


Built For Sin - Bitter Sweet

by Phenobarbital



Series: Built For Sin Series [2]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Minor Violence, Realistic, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-06
Updated: 2013-09-29
Packaged: 2017-12-07 16:37:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 426,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/750683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phenobarbital/pseuds/Phenobarbital
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel - Edward made his choice, he said he would do anything for Alphonse and he meant it. He'd given his life, his unnatural love and his body to his own brother and it was the hardest thing he'd ever have to live with. Now Edward has to deal with his guilt, his growing desires and the ever present threat of their sinful relationship being found out. He knows that his love for Alphonse is enough to pull him through anything...but he could never have guessed that Alphonse's love would be so hard to manage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is the sequel to Built For Sin. If your are a returning reader then thank you for your continued interest in my story. If you are a new reader and haven't read the first part of this story, I'd suggest you do because otherwise this will make very little sense to you.
> 
> Thanks - to Vienna Wood for editing this chapter, your assistance is appreciated.
> 
> \- I mistakenly forgot to post the date -20th February- in the Built For Sin Epilogue, my apologies. (I have rectified this)
> 
> -I have researched Edward's birthday and personally decided to choose Feb 3rd instead of Oct 11 because the manga states Edward is born in Winter and I've made the seasonal months of Amestris the same as our planet's Northern Hemisphere.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong Framing Hanley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note – 10 August 2013
> 
> I've done a layout image for Ed and Al's Central apartment because it features a lot throughout the story and the sequel. If anyone is interested in seeing the apartment they live in as I intended it for the story, a direct image link can be found on my profile.

 

 

 

* * *

**February 3rd**

* * *

_There's a lie for every truth_

* * *

Edward wasn't fond of birthdays, especially his own.

He didn't  _hate_ birthdays either, he just wasn't much for celebration. He was never impolite when someone would wish him a happy birthday or if anyone decided to get him anything but he didn't really care or expect anything from anyone, even though he knew Alphonse would always do something.

He always had anyway.

Edward knew, if he were still in Rizembool he would have woken that cold fading Winter morning to birthday wishes from his brother, Winry, Pinako and freshly baked vanilla cake –it was all Winry knew how to bake. If he were still in the military he would have received birthday wishes –and teasing- from his colleagues, probably a half day off.

If life were still the way it used to be, he would have shared smiles with close friends and his brother. He would have received presents that wouldn't mean as much as the thought behind them.

But life for Edward no longer consisted of those things or people and while life had never been simple and his days had never been consistent or routine, he found he missed the strangest things and the most unlikely people.

The only person his days currently revolved around was the one person who meant everything to him…

…but some days it still hurt to wake up and remember how much things had changed, to consider what he'd lost as well as gained.

He woke every morning lying in bed…beside his younger brother…who would lay kisses born of an unnatural love and lust over his face, to his lips and sometimes to his neck and chest…hands would wander, words would be whispered. I love you's were often the first words Edward heard when he woke up…

…and he would hurt because things were not the way they should be, 'I love you' didn't mean the same thing anymore. Sometimes he wished he didn't have to open his eyes, his bed was almost a safe place…his eyelids blocked out the pain but stood in the way of moving forward.

And he had to move forward, even if it were as his younger brother's lover.

In his new reality every word, every hug, every touch, every smile…every closeness from Alphonse, was intimate and held suggestion of sexuality and sensuality. And Edward didn't loathe it, he didn't even dislike it…he actually enjoyed it in some entirely wrong way.

So while it didn't make him sick...it also didn't make him all that happy.

How many times had he woken before Alphonse and just stared at him while he slept, be it late morning or the early hours? How many times he'd wished for them to be brothers again, for them to be free again?

Not free of each other…but free of sin and secrets.

Often he fought back tears after sex with his younger brother…because it broke his heart  **every single time**. Alphonse was beautiful, he gave himself so completely to Edward, his whole heart, his body, his trust…and Edward loved him, more than words could say. So much that it  **crushed**  him to take that love and twist it, soil it the way he did when he lost himself inside his own kin, indulgent and weak.

It was always  _after_...

He'd thought it'd get easier but he'd been naïve to believe that.

There was nothing so wrong as what he was doing and he knew it. But Edward did it anyway because he loved Alphonse endlessly, without limit, reason or logic and he would for the rest of his life.

So he would cope. He was determined to cope.

Some nights were harder than others to get through, certain looks Alphonse gave him, certain things he'd say without thinking, certain sounds he'd make, certain places he'd kiss, certain reactions he gave…would in turn determine Edward's mood and actions.

Be it good or bad, hesitant or uninhibited…Alphonse took it readily and never complained.

Alphonse probably thought his overcompensating willingness would make it easier for Edward to deal with his ever present guilt –however subtle- but he was wrong. It only made it worse, Alphonse's sexual abandon scared him more than anything. His eagerness made Edward ashamed for him because his beautiful younger brother should  **not**  have to be so suppliant for affection…

…yet he was.

 _'Because I don't give him enough…'_  Edward knew, Alphonse had said it just a few weeks back when they'd last argued and then the younger blonde had acted as if he'd never said it when they'd had sex for the second time only hours later.

He'd said that Edward was far more than a brother to him…while to Edward Alphonse was still mostly a brother.

It was true…so true.

Alphonse was and always would be his younger brother.

Whether he was a little boy, a suit of unfeeling armor, a hollow soulless body trapped in a void or the beautiful man he was presently…he would always be Edward's little brother who he'd die for over and over…and over.

But Alphonse ignored what he did not care to deal with.

He ignored the hesitation in Edward's touches and kisses on bad days, he ignored the slight wetness on Edward's pillow on the occasional mornings after when it hurt too much to hold in, he ignored the sad smiles, the quiet sighs…the innocent kisses to his forehead or cheek whenever Edward could steal one.

Alphonse ignored and forgave.

And Edward felt he didn't deserve it.

All he  **knew** was that Alphonse deserved someone who would give him anything, love him deeply and completely, do anything for him, crawl on hands and knees for him, die for him, do anything to be close to him, cry for him, kill for him, take his pain and his burdens as their own, sell their soul for him, believe in his purity, need him, need to hear his voice, lie for him…someone who would tear themselves apart just to be near him, to be part of him.

And many nights Edward cried…it was because he knew that even while he felt like he didn't deserve Alphonse, he was  **all**  of those things that the younger blonde deserved in a lover.

Nobody could love Alphonse the way he did or know him as Edward did, his purity and perfection, both inside and outside. He loved Alphonse…and he was in love with Alphonse…and he fucking hated himself for it.

Because Alphonse deserved better, he always  **always**  had.

From the very beginning Edward believed he hadn't been the best older brother he should have and he'd fucked everything up, he'd practically killed Alphonse because he was too blind to see his greed, his disillusion…his weaknesses.

Alphonse shouldered the blame of his own volition…Edward never shared it with him.

Because it was  **not**  Alphonse's fault, he would have done anything Edward wanted and the attempted resurrection of their mother was no exception…Edward had been determined and Alphonse had **followed**  trustingly.

Nothing had really changed. Edward still made the wrong decisions and Alphonse still got dragged into the consequences. They were older but were still making the same mistakes.

Edward wondered often if things would be different if he'd never moved to Central, if he'd stayed in Rizembool after Alphonse's confession, if he'd never condoned the odd hug or slip of affection which subconsciously encouraged his afflicted sibling…

…but he knew it wasn't that simple. It wouldn't have mattered if he'd said no, Alphonse would have still wanted.

And something would have given…

 _'It could have been worse…'_  he told himself even though he couldn't think of how exactly.

Taking Alphonse away to be alone with him was both a good and bad thing, good because it shielded Al from his own carelessness and everyone's cruel judgment but bad because Edward gave him the space and isolation to get closer and to break down his defenses.

He knew…Alphonse had  **manipulated**  him shamelessly from the first week in their shared apartment.

Edward was not an idiot, he saw it and he knew exactly what had been happening…but those tears and those words of love from Alphonse had been like getting stabbed in the chest repeatedly.

Alphonse had coerced Edward openly because he'd known he could. And an Elric was nothing if not determined when something they wanted lay just out of reach.

 _'Alphonse.'_  Edward thought often of that name and sometimes when he was swimming in sexual arousal the name fell from his lips in his lowest tones.

Alphonse had told Edward just a few days earlier that he loved the way he said his name, something about the way he pronounced it that was different from everyone else, something about more emphasis on the 's' than other people.

Edward had been saying his name ever since he could talk, he didn't understand how the way he said it had suddenly become a reason for Alphonse to moan the way he did sometimes during sex…even if those moans did do awfully sensitive things to his own body.

"Alphonse." He said it quietly to himself, a sigh followed it as he walked up the stairs toward their apartment floor and then proceeded to take a bite out of the chocolate bar he'd bought for himself while buying a few groceries.

Today was his birthday and he'd resigned himself to having a very quiet day, he'd even been relieved –and confused- by the fact that Alphonse didn't wish him a happy birthday when they'd woken up that morning.

He found it odd, for years his younger brother had always been the first to wish him happy birthday but now that they'd come together in a way that was supposedly meant to make them closer, he'd apparently forgotten. Still, it was a good thing, Edward had already dealt with an extremely awkward phone call from Winry early that morning which was more than enough for the day as far as he was concerned.

Being woken up by the building receptionist just after 7 am had been a pain enough without the anxiety that accompanied the message of a phone call on hold for him.

He hadn't expected to hear from her, not nearly so soon. He figured the next time he'd ever see her would be if he needed an automail tune up, bad as it was, it was how he'd thought it would be. But Winry was tough – as he'd always known- and even though her voice had been laced with resentment and the good bye had been clipped, she'd still said happy birthday to him and asked him to say hi to Alphonse in a tone that wasn't entirely insincere, just a little forced…like she was trying to show him she was fine.

Edward had already felt bad enough just hearing her voice so strained.

Then Pinako had come on the phone afterward, she sounded like she always did and wished him as well…before she'd asked how they were doing and Edward was forced to give a vague outline of their new lives, full of trailing off sentences, awkward laughs and lies…

He couldn't say much.

Pinako was not the easiest person to read, especially not by tone of voice and Edward's stomach had been knotted as he tried to sound relaxed, wondering all the while just what Winry had told her…because he  _knew_  she would have told Pinako at least half the truth. Which half he didn't know, the part about him or the part about Alphonse.

When it was over he hadn't been relieved, just paranoid and nauseous. He'd actually been slightly light headed and when he'd returned to the apartment he'd done the strangest thing…he'd lied to Alphonse.

When the younger blonde had asked him who had been on the phone, he'd said it was Mustang about work.

He frowned slightly when he reached the apartment, the hour it had taken him to walk to the grocer felt like five minutes when he thought about it. He slipped his hand out of his coat pocket and tried the door handle –it was unlocked- which meant Alphonse was up and about since he'd locked it before he left, at the time the younger man had still been lying in Edward's bed.

Although technically it was  _their_  bed.

He walked inside and pushed the door shut before stepping out of his shoes and walking into the hall toward the kitchen carrying the grocery bag in one arm. As he entered the empty room he thought back to the conversation he'd had with Pinako that morning, he'd mentioned that Alphonse would be starting University soon and that he had a contract that was paying him well.

When she'd asked how he and Alphonse were getting on living  **alone**  his insides had coiled with mistrust, it might have been his paranoia but the question seemed suspicious. He and Alphonse had lived alone, travelled alone and practically raised themselves, so her asking that didn't sit quite right.

He'd answered casually enough, pointing out that it wasn't much different than before except they stayed in one place and weren't in mortal danger anymore. She hadn't laughed and neither had he.

Something wasn't right, whatever she did or didn't know, there had been tension in their conversation that had the potential to get worse.

If anyone knew what he and Alphonse were doing…everything would go very bad, very quickly.

Edward had unpacked the groceries onto the kitchen table during his paranoid contemplation, he glanced over the few items and took the final bite of his chocolate into his mouth, chewing it slowly as he crumpled the wrapper in his hand and tossed it onto the table. He swallowed the sweet mouthful thickly as he picked up the spaghetti package to put away. The toffee innards of the chocolate stuck to his teeth and the roof of his mouth, he dragged his tongue over the roof of his mouth slowly…

His thoughts drifted back to Alphonse as he packed the groceries away.

In the beginning, not the actual beginning, but the start of their natural sexual relationship a few weeks back, Edward had chosen to let himself go and just enjoy being with the younger blonde.

Alphonse had looked right through his brotherly hug; looked beyond his expressed fears…or maybe Al was just so completely taken with his feelings that he was no longer able to see the difference between the brotherly or romantic side of their new relationship.

Unlike Edward.

But it hadn't mattered, he'd kissed Alphonse because he knew it was what the younger had wanted…and he had wanted to as well, he'd come to enjoy conveying his affections through kissing, he'd never been a wordsmith. What had commenced after that kiss had almost felt right, it'd almost been okay to undress Alphonse down to his bare perfection and lay him out on the bed.

It'd almost felt right to lay down on top of him, to elicit moans from his younger brother using his mouth and hands…for a few seconds Edward had been so lost in sensation that he'd seen through their relation completely, he'd seen Alphonse with such blatant sexual demand it had bordered on obscene. When he'd realized what he was thinking and feeling he'd managed to curb his less than sweet urges and he'd even apologized.

But it didn't change the fact he'd felt such raw lust for Alphonse.

When he'd entered Alphonse that second time it'd been so bittersweet. A confusing combination of emotions had worked him up into a silent strain and it hadn't been like any hot and fast sex he'd had before…

…it had been with Alphonse –he could never love anyone more than Alphonse- so his heart had been beating faster for more than just his arousal and his hotly coursing blood, his breath had been short for more emotional reasons than just the pleasure building in his groin, he had been  _desperate_  for more than just his release.

He'd been overwhelmed with feeling and had been caught off guard…

…it changed sex for him completely.

As a man who'd had no emotional connection to anyone he'd ever slept with, the feelings came as a raw shock to his system, probably even more so because of his deep seated love for Alphonse and the implicit guilt of wanting to be with his own brother.

He'd fucked Alphonse thoroughly and held onto the pleasure for as long as he could until his body gave in, he'd been floored by his orgasm only just a minute after his younger brother's…and he'd loved every minute of it.

The smell of Alphonse's hot skin had been intoxicating, his hair had been soft and damp, the feel of his breath had raised goose bumps on Ed's flesh, the taste of his mouth had been addictive, his body had trembled, his welcoming …needing…body had trembled just for Edward. The older blonde had experienced that possessive feeling again, it was strangely familiar to him where Alphonse was concerned, except it was of a less appropriate nature than before.

Despite all of his fears and guilt, Edward had really enjoyed that night, it had given him hope that things might be really good for them if it would always feel almost right, he could live with it.

So when –only a day later- Alphonse had initiated sex again when they were in bed for the night he'd been more than willing and it had gone just as well. So had the next few times.

But nothing as wrong as incest could feel good for very long.

The most recent time they'd slept together had been just two days earlier and since that night Edward hadn't been feeling quite as 'okay' as before…because Alphonse was getting a little more bold and experimental each time they had sex…and Edward was very quickly realizing that his younger brother was extremely keen to try new things…

That wasn't a bad thing, not at all, and Edward hadn't been all that stunned by Alphonse's request to try a different position, since if things had been different –if they weren't brothers- Edward would have already tried Alphonse's flexibility out.

But they were brothers and hearing Alphonse say the words 'doggy style' had killed Edward's erection so fast he'd broken out in a cold sweat. The very  **idea**  of doing that to Alphonse had set his skin crawling viciously and still did.

He grimaced and licked his sweet lips –sticky from the toffee- absently. He knew he could do it, like everything so far it would just take him some time to work up the nerve, but Alphonse wouldn't want to stop there…and Edward didn't even want to think about what ideas would follow that request.

He sighed and picked up the last few items, putting away the canned foods he'd purchased in the relevant cupboard. He had to pack them in on top of each other, noting that they had quite a lot of stuff and he'd bought unnecessary groceries.

He glanced at a can of peaches in syrup in the cupboard and smiled because he knew Alphonse loved it with vanilla ice cream and then he closed the cupboard and let his gloved fingers slide down the slightly rough dark wood surface of the small door.

Alphonse hadn't noticed his sudden case of flaccidity at the time because they'd still had their underwear on, Edward had not wanted to hurt him so he'd played it off with a smile, suggesting that they try that position another night when he wasn't so tired.

It had been a lie to get out of it, one which Alphonse had accepted.

But Edward had been lying rather easily lately.

They'd still had sex, after some carefully executed foreplay on Edward's part to get himself going again, but it had been missionary…and he'd been distracted –and uncomfortable- and he knew the younger blonde had noticed. But Alphonse was so good at pretending like nothing was amiss and Edward was good at avoiding as well.

Edward hadn't felt anything close to okay since that request, he didn't want to have that sort of sex with Alphonse and hearing those words out of his mouth had reminded Edward of exactly what they were doing and how it hadn't reached its peak yet…sex was vast, sex was meant to be exploratory.

It put his new commitment into sharp perspective and in a lot of ways he was back at square one, scared.

"Ed?"

Edward snapped his attention from the kitchen counter to the doorway to see Alphonse approaching him, the younger blonde's green gold eyes glanced over the chocolate bar wrapper laying on the table next to the empty grocery bag before they rose to meet Edward's eyes again, he smiled and Ed turned fully to face him.

He wasn't surprised when Alphonse stepped straight into him, arms slipping smoothly around his middle as Al settled his weight against the older blonde and pressed him back against the counter, with a smile he kissed Edward once slowly on the lips, his eyes almost closing but not quite,

"I've been in the lounge for almost 15 minutes waiting for you to look for me." He mumbled against Ed's lips.

How bizarre his world had become since taking his own younger brother as a lover.

Edward absently licked his lips and earned himself another sweet kiss before he was able to speak, looking at his brother's face closely,

"I was unpacking the groceries." He said quietly, he hadn't realized he'd been in the kitchen that long. He smiled a bit, as much as he could and the younger blonde raised his eyebrows,

"For 15 minutes." Alphonse mumbled, his body had started to warm Edward right through his shirt and jeans, he was pressed so close, "You still have your coat and gloves on." Alphonse's arms slid from around Ed and his hands raised, he pressed them to Edward's chest before sliding them under the coat onto his shoulders, kissing the older blonde again.

The older blonde let his eyes slide closed as he returned the lip to lip kiss…he honestly enjoyed it, Alphonse's lips were dry but soft and fit nicely against his own, he smelled of subtle mint and the expanse of his front was firm and warm against Edward.

When Alphonse's hands moved the coat backwards off his shoulders he opened his eyes and leaned back an inch from the kiss to help shrug his coat off and clear his previously negative thoughts –he was determined to make their situation work.

"Why were you waiting, you should have just called me." He slipped one arm out of his coat and then pulled his other sleeve off with his free hand.

Alphonse had given him a few centimeters of space and once the coat was off he took it from Edward's hands while the older man pulled off his gloves,

"Come on, I'll show you why." He smiled in a way that warmed Edward's chest, it was such a bright smile.

He followed Alphonse out of the kitchen, glancing at his coat that the younger blonde had placed over the back of one of the chairs before he dropped his gloves on the table, he didn't ask why his neat freak brother was leaving the coat in the kitchen.

When he walked into the lounge Alphonse was standing next to the coffee table with that same smile, Edward dropped his gaze to the coffee table and blinked twice at the gold apparel gift box, ribboned across in silky red and finished in a fancy pull bow.

He had thought Alphonse had forgotten but he supposed it had been silly to think such a thing, all their lives since Alphonse was old enough to understand the concept of a birthday, he'd never missed it.

He smiled from the gift to the younger blonde,

"Were you hiding that in the apartment?" Ed asked and approached the table, walking around it to sit down.

Alphonse was still smiling as he sat on the couch seat next to Ed,

"Under my mattress." He said grinning.

Edward nodded as he raised his eyebrows and reached for the box. It was slightly weighty considering he knew it was some sort of clothing inside, he placed the large square box on his lap, bringing his knees closer together to balance it before he held the ends of the bow and pulled it loose.

The ribbon rustled quietly and Alphonse shifted just a bit closer, as if he didn't know what was inside and was eager to see, Edward smiled down at the box, absently thinking of how much he loved his younger brother as he lifted the top off the box.

Alphonse took it from him and placed it on the coffee table while Edward was pulling back the soft red gift tissue paper to reveal a perfectly folded black leather jacket, the lapels and shoulders were visible to Edward. He felt normal gratitude at first and smiled, Alphonse knew he loved leather and he loved a good jacket, it was a practical and thoughtful gift if ever he'd received one.

He turned to look at his beaming brother,

"Thank Al, this is great." He was absently pressing his fingers to the texture of the leather, it felt like good quality.

Alphonse's smile softened from excitement to affection,

"Take it out and look at it properly, Ed." He suggested.

Edward realized then that there was more to the jacket so he shifted the box back onto the table again before reaching in for the shoulders of the jacket and standing up as he pulled it out. When it fell out to its full size he realized it was a trench coat, his chest warmed a bit because he loved long coats more than jackets.

He smiled still and took a good look at it, turning it around as he held it up and when he was looking at the back of it Edward felt butterflies in his stomach –the elated kind- and his breath almost caught, his smile widened and out of his peripheral he saw Alphonse stand up,

"Do you like it?"

Edward loved it. It was a full black leather trench coat, good quality and all the rest…but it held a personal touch, no doubt done by his brother's alchemically refined skill.

The very same Flamel he used to have on his trademark red coat was alchemically tooled into the leather perfectly and in detail, from the shoulder backs of the coat to the lower back, not immediately noticeable but when at the right angle or close range, it was perfect.

"It's perfect Alphonse." He said quietly, his red coat held great sentimental value to him and Alphonse knew that. Al also knew why Edward no longer wore it, they'd only talked about it once in the past but he'd never forgotten how sad the younger blonde had looked when he'd boxed away the well-worn red coat.

"Now you have your Flamel again, except you won't have to worry about being recognized in the streets by friends…or people you want to avoid." Alphonse said quietly, "And I think it's more your style, since you're not a teenager anymore and red is too flashy." He added in a lighter tone, repeating something Ed remembered saying a few years ago.

The coat was a simple thing, Edward could afford a new coat with a Flamel any day but that was not the point, it was the sentiment behind it, the fact that Alphonse had revived something so close to his heart. A coat he'd worn in some of the best and worst times of their life struggles…as brothers and that's what made it perfect.

He swallowed slowly and lowered the coat back onto the box, it didn't fold itself obviously but he let it go anyway and turned to Alphonse,

"Thank you Alphonse, I couldn't have made the Flamel look any better if I'd done it myself…" he said, ignoring the echo of his mental voice telling him that he couldn't even if he wanted to try. He reached out, arms easily slipping around Al's shoulders and pulling him forward into a tight hug.

Alphonse wrapped his arms around Ed's middle and he felt the younger blonde smile into his neck,

"I actually transmuted the entire coat, I just bought the black leather and buttons." He said quietly.

Edward squeezed him tighter and then pulled back, his hands on Al's shoulders squeezing as he smiled,

"I probably won't be able to top this gift for your birthday next month, Al." he said honestly.

Alphonse smiled clearly amused but proud of himself,

"I could let you off the hook and take CookieBoots as an early present."

Edward let his eyes linger on Al's lips, soft and pink, debating whether he should kiss his brother or not, the moment was so familial but then again nothing between them was familial anymore,

"I'm not that bad, I'll think of something." Edward said softly.

Alphonse's lips twitched down and Edward frowned,

"What's wrong?" he asked and he felt Alphonse's fingers lightly grip the cotton of his shirt at his sides,

"I…I didn't have Cenz of my own so I had to use some of what you gave me for University, I just transmuted it myself. So in a way, you kinda bought the gift for yourself." He sighed and his green eyes lowered to Ed's chest, "The next gift I buy will be with my own Cenz, I promise, I'm gonna get a j…ob." His words halted and Edward smiled.

He'd leaned in and stopped just short of kissing Alphonse, he could practically feel his younger brother's heartbeat speed up as his face flushed lightly,

"It's from you and it's perfect, thank you Alphonse." He said quietly, sliding his hands from the younger blonde's shoulders to the sides of his face before he kissed Alphonse softly, sweetly, on his lips.

The little things he did often made the younger blonde react in the best ways, and his faint blush and small smile afterward were two things Edward found undeniably adorable.

Alphonse licked his lips slightly, still smiling,

"I went out after you left this morning and got you a cake too." He half whispered.

Edward just smiled and ran his thumbs over Alphonse's ears before removing his hands and watching the younger man leave the lounge, obviously going to fetch the cake.

He turned back to the coat and lifted it again, holding it over one arm so he could run his fingers along the intricate Flamel pattern. He smiled softly, trying to latch on to this moment so when things got bad and his head hurt, or his heart did, he would be able to keep moving forward.

He tried to fold the coat back up as nicely as it had been but he didn't really know that skill well enough, still once he had it back in the box it wasn't so bad. He was just putting the lid back on after sitting down when Alphonse walked back in and Edward blushed when he looked up and reached forward to move the gift box aside.

Alphonse set down a professionally iced chocolate cake, it was smooth, shiny and the icing was swirled fancily over the top, it completely covered the sponge part of the cake…and the embarrassing part was the symmetrically placed candles -23 of them- all burning bright atop the cake.

"Al…" he frowned at the kid-like birthday cake.

"Don't say anything, even adults can blow out candles." Alphonse mock scolded with a pointed finger after setting the cake down.

Edward made a face but he couldn't help smiling at Alphonse when he sat down next to him again, the younger blonde gestured to the cake set before them.

Edward sighed and shook his head lightly before he sat forward at the edge of the couch,

"They better not be trick candles." He grouched.

Alphonse laughed lightly and Ed's stomach fluttered slightly at the precious sound,

"Don't be an idiot Ed, this is not a prank." He leaned his elbows on his knees and tilted his head, still smiling.

With a half roll of his eyes and a light feeling in his stomach Edward leaned forward and inhaled deeply before blowing the candles out.

Several of them stayed lit because he hadn't wanted to get spittle on the cake by over doing it, so he blew a few shorter breaths to snuff them out until they were all off. He turned to Alphonse and tipped his head in a teasing way, Alphonse responded by nodding in approval before reaching for the knife he'd set next to the cake on the table.

As he cut the first slice Edward watched him with a warm smile, Alphonse had a smile set on his face…he looked so happy.

 _'What's wrong with me? Why is it so hard for me to give him this happiness?'_  he blinked slowly and averted his eyes to the gift box and then he looked back to the cake, feeling bad for how much effort Alphonse put into everything.

He smiled again when Alphonse huffed about having forgotten to bring cake saucers from the kitchen, he was about to go get them when Edward stopped him with a light hand on around his wrist. When he sat back down Edward picked the slice of cake up with his fingers and easily stuffed half of it into his mouth.

Alphonse pouted as much as he could around his amused smile,

"Edward…you're making a mess." He complained half-heartedly as crumbs fell onto Edward's black clothes and the tiles, icing also messed the sides of the older man's mouth.

Edward shrugged,

"Ifs my birftday." He said around the cake in his mouth then he jerked in surprise and tried not to spit his cake out and laugh when Alphonse started poking his ticklish sides with his fingers.

Edward had just managed to swallow his mouthful and let out a choked laugh when Alphonse finally stopped the poking and cut a second piece from the cake with a shake of his head and small smile. Edward finished off his own piece and licked the icing from his mouth and fingers without any hesitation while Alphonse tried his best not to make a mess as he held his piece above his upturned palm and took a careful bite out of it.

The minute he had cake in his mouth Edward started poking him.

Alphonse made muffled squeaks and nearly dropped his cake onto the floor a few times, Edward found his wriggling amusing for at least a minute before he left the younger man in peace to swallow his mouthful, of course by this point Alphonse's hand were messed with icing and the tiles at their feet were even crumbier.

He gave Edward a non-convincing glare before trying to eat the rest of his cake, eyeing Edward warily. The older blonde watched him with a small smile as he slouched back onto the couch. When Alphonse was done he licked the icing off his fingers with less enthusiasm than Edward had and then grimaced at the feeling left behind.

Edward really loved his strange brother…much like Alphonse loved his strange self.

"It's just a little stickiness." Ed informed his younger brother who was rubbing his fingers together clearly vexed by the feeling.

Alphonse looked back at him before sitting back himself,

"How's the cake?" he made a point of trying to ignore his fingers and Edward almost felt bad for him,

"It's great, hell of a sugar rush…" he bobbed his eyebrows and Alphonse grinned, "…why don't you go and wash your hands if it's annoying you." He suggested, feeling comfortable where he was slumped.

Moments like right then with Alphonse eased his every tension.

Alphonse glanced at his hands, rubbed his fingers together again before he shrugged,

"It's not so bad…besides…" he looked back to Edward and leaned over, snatching a slightly noisy kiss from the older blonde, "…I have another gift for you."

His tone had changed and while Edward's heart sunk at the loss of the moment, warmth stirred within him for the suggestive, sultry tone of voice Alphonse said those last words in.

Edward didn't say anything, he didn't need to because Alphonse required no permission or prompting.

Edward's arousal as well as his apprehension built as Alphonse shifted closer, one of his hands comfortably settling on the older blonde's thigh and rubbing as Al started to kiss him. Alphonse pressed light kisses to Ed's lips at first and then slipped his tongue into Edward's mouth the moment his lips parted to allow it, the older blonde supplely kissed his younger brother back, tasting sweet sticky chocolate as their tongues slid together.

After a long slow stroke from Alphonse's sweet tongue, the younger blonde drew back from the kiss, lips still touching and Edward opened his eyes to see heated green eyes and he felt a smile spread against his lips,

"Happy Birthday, Edward." Alphonse said in a hot whisper before he shifted again.

Alphonse kneeled between Edward's legs and the older blonde clenched his teeth and inhaled deeply, realizing what his 'gift' was going to be…he wanted to say no but what was the fucking point?

Alphonse had done it once before for him…if he said no now it would likely offend the younger and he'd fuck things up again. It was hard not to say anything though…he could never have imagined spending his birthday with Alphonse giving him oral sex.

It was disconcerting.

Alphonse's warm smooth hands pushed his shirt up half way before he started kissing Ed's slightly tense abs, he trailed partially wet kisses along the slight dip between Ed's defined abdominal muscles and when Alphonse reached Ed's shallow navel he slid his tongue over it, dipping lightly inside…Alphonse hummed quietly and pressed a wet kiss to Ed's navel afterward…while he pressed his palm to Edward's crotch and rubbed.

Edward was already getting hard and the feeling of his jeans fastenings being opened only helped it along, even though he was trying to keep an upset frown off his face as he watched the top of his younger brother's head.

 _'It shouldn't be like this.'_  He uselessly told himself, because that's exactly how it was.

As the folds of his jeans were opened Alphonse kissed lower, his tongue slipped teasingly along the line of Ed's fine blonde hair beneath his belly button and stopped at the hem of his boxers, purposely arousing…Edward exhaled quietly as his erection grew firmer the closer those soft wet lips kissed to his need.

A few wet kisses later to his quickly warming skin had Edward licking his lips, finally frowning as he lifted his hips to allow Alphonse to pull his jeans and boxers lower, freeing his full erection.

His body wanted what his mind no longer rejected but still questioned, it was so hard to deal with and impossible to ignore…it was so unfair.

Edward closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the couch…Alphonse's tongue was hot and wet…he licked firm and slow.

The older blonde swallowed sorely as his heartache forced his throat closed, he exhaled quietly through his nose as his arousal kindled quickly right where Alphonse's mouth was and he again pushed his negative thoughts from his mind, enjoying the sensation of wet warmth taking him in –different from Alphonse's most intimate place- but no less blissful to his sensitive flesh.

Edward acknowledged his pleasure, he parted his lips to moan quietly, his hand shook lightly as he placed it gently into Al's soft hair…Edward focused on what the younger blonde was doing for him…willing to do for him.

It was okay… _but it really wasn't._

As his finger's curled gently in his younger brother's hair and his hips carefully rolled upward to start a rhythm …Edward knew he would never really look forward to a birthday again, not that he ever had to begin with but it would just be another guilty stain on his life from that moment on.

At the time – as he lost himself to the sensation of Alphonse's eager mouth- he thought he could go forward ignoring his personal conflicts…he thought he could cope.

Because Alphonse would start university soon and things would be a little easier because they'd have some breathing space, he'd be able to work out his problems and deal with his anxiety.

But Edward was not as unaffected as he'd been pretending to be…

He could lie to everyone else but it hardly worked when he lied to himself.

As he panted very quietly and gave into his desire to watch his brother pleasure him, Edward subconsciously told himself that everything would be okay.

He'd keep telling himself that.

Even though his chest ached and he didn't believe it,

"Al-phonse…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm now on [Tumblr](http://phenobarbitalfiction.tumblr.com/)  
> 


	2. One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks - to Vienna Wood for editing this chapter, your assistance is appreciated.
> 
> NB: This chapter contains a large time lapse but it will be the only one in the story. Going forward the chapters will progress as they did in Built or Sin.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Stabbing Westward

 

  
_Lately I've noticed_  
_How much you've changed_  
_Even though you swear_  
_You're the same_  
_So why do I feel_  
_A million miles away?_  
_Why do I feel_  
_Like we're broken?_  
_Why can't it be_  
_Perfect like it used to be?_  
_Why can't we be_  
_Perfect?_  
_Perfect is how I_  
_Once described our love_  
_But that was before_  
_We fell apart_

* * *

Edward woke up with a headache.

The moment he opened his sandy eyes, the dull throb intensified and made him frown and shut them again.

He wasn't too surprised seeing as how he'd only slept at around 4 am and he had to get up at 6 again for work, which was right then as the alarm clock ringing annoyingly beside him was telling him. He grimaced and glanced at his bedside stand, opening one eye to glare at the noisy contraption before he rolled onto his side, lazily raised his hand and pressed the silver pin at the top of the clock down.

The ringing stopped and he closed his one eye again and let his arm hang off the edge of the bed.

If there was one thing Edward loathed it was a regimented work day, the routine of 8 am to 5 pm work hours were not something he could ever learn to appreciate, he'd never been one for keeping times and working by the clock.

Even in his military years he'd always overshot his deadlines for missions and reports and he'd never minded getting chewed out for it, in fact when he thought back on how many gray hairs he'd probably given Mustang he felt proud of himself.

Still, he'd signed a contract and while he did technically work for Mustang and could probably push his luck once or twice, there were people working under him at the construction site that required micromanagement –which was new for him- so he made a point to be there on time.

He inhaled deeply and pressed his face into his pillow as he slowly woke up properly, he was a little too warm and still extremely tired. He'd spent the previous night and early morning hour's working on revisions to the building plans because Mustang had called him the previous afternoon at work to tell him the Military Board wanted extra extensions made to the original building design.

He was fed up with all of the indecision amongst the higher ups, as if it hadn't been bad enough signing all the building papers , blueprints and meeting new work colleagues, he'd also had to listen to Mustang whine about permits, landscaping problems and paperwork for that first week of March and he still had to, except Mustang complained over the phone instead since HQ was a bit of a drive from the site. He knew the only reason the older man was so hands on with the project in the first place was because the building was for the military and had to be agreed on fully by all the lower Generals and externally involved investors, but he didn't see why he had to have his ear bent for it.

It's not like he ever actually listened to Mustang babble on the phone anyway, what he didn't do was hang up.

Because recently he'd been more tolerant of the older man. Mustang had had an objective influence on him when Edward had needed it most and he knew that he owed Mustang gratitude and more of his trust than he'd given the man before, because Mustang had never once mentioned New Year's night and what he'd witnessed of Edward in the restroom…

Edward rubbed his face into his pillow before rolling onto his back again, a tired frown formed on his face when he remembered the previous day's phone conversation. When Mustang had said 'lower Generals' Edward had been confused and asked him what he meant, since Mustang was a three star General same as the rest of them. He had practically been able to hear the older man smile smugly as he informed Edward of something he wasn't even allowed to know –but when had that ever kept him from knowing Military Classified information?

As it turned out, Roy Mustang was in line for a  _very_  important promotion and while Grumman was still 'technically' Fuhrer, he was old, diabetic and going to retire sooner than expected. Mustang had already been informed that he would soon be  **the**  General  **of**  the Military and no longer just  **a**  General  **in**  the military.

Edward was genuinely happy for him, he'd been smiling on his end of the phone even though he'd just mumbled that he'd believe it when he saw it. He knew Mustang had been smiling too and then he'd reminded Edward that he owed the older man 520 Cenz, at which time Edward had rolled his eyes and told him to 'bite me'.

Edward groaned and shifted his legs, trying to kick the sheet off his lower half but it was tangled around his waist, so was his sleeping shirt and he could feel his boxers were bunched and twisted up as well. He hadn't even realized he'd been moving around so much in the short time he'd slept. He rubbed his face with his hands sluggishly, he had a long day of delegating morons and construction noise ahead of him…he groaned again, remembering he'd said he'd take Mustang to lunch by way of a non-verbal congratulations.

He was so tired.

He finally sat up in the bed leaning back on his hands, he glanced down at his creased T shirt and the sheet still hooked tightly across his mid-section, he figured he'd been tossing and turning because it had been a warm night, it was mid-May in Amestris and despite there being an annoying amount of cold drizzles in the late afternoons, the mornings and evenings were starting to get steadily warmer as summer approached.

Edward untangled the sheet from around his waist as he glanced over at Alphonse, the younger blonde appeared to still be fast asleep. The sheet covered the younger blonde with much less hostility and he was sleeping close to and facing the wall. Edward wasn't all that surprised, Alphonse woke up sleeping away from him more often than not these days, especially since he'd traded in their old beds and bought new double beds for both of them, Alphonse now had the space to leave a cold gap between them.

Edward raised his eyebrows and sighed, having untangled himself he swung his legs off the bed and pulled his unraveling braid forward over his shoulder to untie it. He glanced around his neat bedroom as he pulled his hair length and most of his bangs up into a loose bun before he got up and walked toward the door, leaving the curtains closed since Alphonse was still asleep, he left the bedroom, closing the door quietly and made his way down the hall to the bathroom.

For the most part things between him and Alphonse had been lukewarm, they were both congenial and sometimes they had really good days but on the other hand, they had a lot of tense and quiet days and they argued very often, or at least Alphonse did, Edward usually just let him yell or complain about whatever stupid thing was annoying him and remained quiet, unless he was particularly irritable, then he yelled back.

It was his own fault things were like that between them anyway, Alphonse was so oversensitive because Edward's moods were unpredictable and the older blonde wasn't having much luck getting a hold of that.

Edward closed himself into the bathroom and switched on the light, it was early and the sun hadn't fully risen yet so the small room was dully lit, the first thing he did was approach the toilet to relieve himself.

He'd been coping as much as he could but he knew he still wasn't giving Alphonse enough…of himself.

Because of this they were somehow close together but distant at the same time, it was exhausting and almost everything turned into a disagreement, it was always about stupid things.

If Alphonse didn't want to do the dishes on his designated nights because he was tired from campus or his part time job –which Edward did not even want him to be doing- instead of asking Edward to take his turn he'd do the dishes and be disgruntled and noticeably irritable afterward. It was the same with laundry, cleaning and cooking. Then there was showering, they had started showering together on occasion a few months back when their natural sexual relationship had first started, then when things began to get bad mentally and mood wise –for Edward- Alphonse had opted to shower separately. And soon after he'd started complaining about how much hot water the older blonde used, or he griped that Edward should pick his hair up from the drain…

…it was like almost everything Edward did –or didn't magically know not to do- seemed to annoy Alphonse.

But the older blonde knew it was only because things weren't right between them.

Things weren't horrible but they certainly could be a lot better.

When he was done peeing he flushed the toilet, he stripped his clothes off before he stepped straight into the bath tub, he closed the curtains and then opened the taps. The initial cool spray made him wince since his skin was still warm from sleep and he broke out in goose bumps, his headache throbbed a little worse at the momentary tension the cold caused in his muscles. After a moment his body regulated to the quickly warming water and he picked up the bath gel and started washing himself.

Edward tried his best not to aggravate Alphonse since he knew he was responsible for the distance between them, he did the dishes on nights he wasn't supposed to, he picked up after himself because Alphonse hated it when he left his clothes or belongings laying around the bedroom and bathroom, he bought take-out food some of the younger blonde's dinner making nights and he did laundry as often as possible in the evening when he came home from work. He took shorter showers, dutifully removed his hair –however little- from the drain hole and he made the effort to placate Alphonse with apologies and agreeableness whenever he could.

As he rubbed his soapy hands over his legs he spotted a fading love bite on his stomach but he wasn't surprised to see it. He often found them on himself, sometimes they were days old, sometimes fresh, it just depended on when last he and Alphonse had sex…which varied from daily consistency to none for days at a time.

But since they hadn't been together intimately in over a week Edward frowned at just how dark that particular hikkie must have been. He was just glad he and Alphonse had an agreement about not making visible marks –which was more for Edward to follow- now that they were both going out in public on a daily basis.

Thinking about their last time together being so many days ago reminded him of how indifferent Alphonse had been the night before after Edward told him he'd be working all night, the younger blonde hadn't even said anything, he'd just shook his head, shrugged and went about his evening routine pretending like Ed wasn't sitting in the lounge hunched over blueprints.

Edward hadn't been and currently still was not feeling well enough for sex –with his own brother- but like it usually did, the feelings of self-loathing and confusion would pass and he'd make up for it.

He usually did…but sometimes, for the last two months or so, by the time he was in the 'mood', Alphonse wasn't.

Edward didn't think of the change in behavior as immediately strange but he did take note of the fact that the younger blonde seemed to be far less willing to insist on sex or sulk when he didn't get any. It was almost like the significance and novelty was finally wearing off.

Edward didn't mean to push Alphonse away but in a way –unintentionally- he still was and he was starting to wonder if it was working…

 _'I should apologize…'_  he thought as he rinsed the soap off his body and face. His bangs had fallen forward and were mostly wet, which annoyed him because without alchemy he had to dry his hair with a towel or hair dryer and it was tedious, especially now that he was working and couldn't let his hair dry on its own in the time he had before leaving the apartment in the mornings.

He heard the bathroom door open just as he switched off the water, Edward pulled the shower curtain back and glanced at Alphonse as he reached for a towel on the rack. The younger blonde looked like he'd been awake for a while –despite his bed hair- and he gave Edward a small smile,

"Morning." He said quietly as he stepped up to the basin and picked up his toothbrush.

Edward wrapped the towel around his waist,

"Morning Al." he stepped out of the tub onto the cool tiles and walked out of the bathroom.

He walked into his bedroom, closing the door behind himself because he had to keep CookieBoots from scratching up his books and unpacked boxes. His belongings from Creta had arrived not long after Winry had visited months ago and he still hadn't unpacked most of the boxes…and cats loved cardboard.

He found some clean neatly folded and hung up clothes in his wardrobe and started to get dressed, as he pulled the crisp un-creased dark grey button up shirt on over a black vest he thought about Alphonse's alchemy and his own hair. The same way the younger blonde took a few seconds to alchemize creases out of their clothing he could dry and smooth out Edward's hair better than any hair dryer and brush could.

He heard the shower start up and continued getting dressed, pulling on black jeans over his boxers and some clean socks. When he was done dressing he made his way back to the bathroom and stepped up to the basin to brush his teeth. He glanced at the closed shower curtain as he folded back the unbuttoned cuffs of his shirt up to his elbows, he was seriously considering asking Alphonse to save him some time by alchemizing his hair for him.

 _'He'll definitely ask me why I can't just do it for myself…'_  Edward sighed as he applied toothpaste to his toothbrush before he pushed it into his mouth. He had once counted himself lucky that Alphonse's consciousness was not present within his physical body inside the Gate when Edward had given up his alchemy, so the younger blonde didn't actually see what he'd sacrificed. When asked, he'd told Alphonse he'd given up his extensive knowledge the Gate had once given him, which was not really a lie but it fell short of the whole truth.

While he retained his complete knowledge, he could never use it again.

He brushed his teeth as thoroughly as usual and was done after a few minutes, he rinsed his mouth out, closed the taps and left the bathroom.

He walked into the kitchen and glanced at CookieBoots –who had grown some and was much fluffier- looking at him guiltily from where he was perched on top of the fridge,

"What the hell did you do this time?" Edward asked him uselessly and the furry animal meowed at him.

Edward sighed as he spotted the newspaper from the day before on the kitchen floor, scratched up and torn at the edges and over the front half. He didn't pick it up, the cat was his one revenge on Alphonse for all the bitching the younger man did, Ed in turn complained about CookieBoots' messes and naughtiness, not often, but he did.

He took out two mugs and the ingredients he'd need to make coffee and tea before he put water on to boil. He heard the shower switch off while he was taking out bread for toast…and it was then that he realized that Alphonse was up really early. He frowned slightly but didn't think too much about it as he put the bread into the toaster and he leaned against the counter to wait.

Edward hoped his morning at work would go by fast and he also hoped lunch would go quickly as well, his thoughts drifted as he wondered where he should take Mustang for lunch. He wasn't good at that sort of thing, where did people go to celebrate becoming a country leader?

Somewhere  **really**  fancy would just be awkward for both of them, somewhere cheap would make him feel bad since Mustang wasn't nearly as much of a penny pincher as he used to be and the occasion called for more than slapdash food.

He blinked out of his thoughts when his toast popped out and seconds later the water was boiling. He continued making his breakfast and his coffee and he was just stirring milk into Alphonse's lemon flavored tea when the younger blonde walked into the kitchen.

Edward looked at him as he approached and he held the tea mug out for him, Alphonse took it from his hand carefully,

"Thanks Ed." He leaned in for a kiss and Edward did at the same time, their lips touched in their usual morning greeting and the older blonde absently licked his lips when Alphonse pulled back.

When Alphonse made to turn to the table Edward stopped him with a light hand on his wrist, Alphonse looked at him with a neutral expression,

"Sorry about last night Al, I had to get started with that work." He felt like a boyfriend making excuses and the fact that it was so eerily close to the truth still managed to disturb him.

Alphonse smiled and nodded slightly,

"It's fine." he turned away again and Edward let his wrist go, watching him as he placed his tea down on the table and then went to the bread bin.

Edward blinked, never really sure what to say when Alphonse was being so passive. It wasn't entirely unusual for the younger blonde to not complain or gripe, like he'd noticed, recently Alphonse picked fights with him about everything except the occasional lack of sex, but since it had been quite a while and Al still seemed reasonably okay –not even angry- Edward felt…worried.

There was always calm before a storm.

He blinked a few more times and frowned as he turned away from watching Alphonse prep toast for himself, Edward smeared margarine over his own toast with a few easy swipes of the butter knife and he left the container and knife out for Alphonse once he was done.

When he picked up his coffee and toast saucer to move to the table he glanced at Alphonse again, the younger blonde was picking up the newspaper from the floor with not even the slightest frown on his face.

 _'Maybe he's just in a really good mood…'_  Edward wondered, although Alphonse wasn't being overly pleasant so the older blonde assumed there might be something else to it. He sat down as Alphonse stood up crumpling the damaged newspaper up in his hands,

"Al…" he sipped his coffee and waited until Alphonse tossed the paper in the bin and turned to face him with raised eyebrows, "…why're you up so early? On Wednesday's your first lecture is usually at ten." He asked neutrally, curious but also trying to smooth out the tension he felt with conversation.

Alphonse walked back to the toaster and leaned against the counter,

"I'm having breakfast with Elizabeth before we go to campus." He folded his arms loosely across his chest.

Edward nodded, he'd never met Elizabeth but Alphonse mentioned her relatively often, she was a friend of his from University.

He bit into his toast and chewed in silence until Alphonse's one slice of toast popped out and the younger blonde turned around to take it out and smear on his margarine.

"So why're you eating?" Edward asked after he swallowed and took a gulp of his black coffee.

"Because breakfast at her house is only at 8.30 and she lives quite far." Alphonse said quietly as he picked up the milk that Edward had forgotten to put away and did it himself.

Edward would have felt bad about doing something that irritated Alphonse if he hadn't been processing what the younger blonde had just said,

"Her house?" he frowned.

Alphonse finally sat down with his single slice of toast and picked up his tea to sip it, he placed it back down and then clapped his hands together and touched the mug to reheat the liquid.

Edward watched the fading blue energy with a sudden longing that made his fingertips tingle and then before he could talk himself out of it he pushed his mug across the table to Alphonse and smiled slightly. The younger blonde looked from his smile to the coffee and Edward was relieved when he clapped his hands and warmed the coffee without any questions…although he did frown ever so slightly as he sipped his tea again,

"Yes, her house, she lives with her parents in a penthouse condo on the other side of North Central." Edward watched him take a bite out of his toast as he sipped his own now hot coffee.

He didn't know if Alphonse was being deliberately evasive in answering his question or if maybe he was answering the actual asked words and not what Edward had meant by asking,

"I didn't realize you knew her well enough to eat breakfast at her house." he re-worded and Alphonse looked at him and pushed his fringe back from his face into his un-brushed hair,

"Yeah, we get along really well and have most of our lectures together since we both intend to be surgeons in our respective fields." He looked at his toast as if he didn't want to eat it, "She wants me to meet her parents." He added.

Edward's stomach lurched.

"What?" he asked quietly.

Alphonse licked his lips after sipping his tea and looked at Edward impassively while the older blonde's stomach felt hollow,

"What?" he asked calmly.

Edward didn't know what to say, he felt sick and somewhat angry but aside from those emotions he felt uncertain, vaguely shocked and confused,

"You're…uh," he placed his coffee mug down and swallowed thickly as he looked back at Alphonse with a slight frown, "…why does she want you to meet her parents, Alphonse?"

The younger blonde shrugged,

"She just asked me to breakfast saying that her parents want to meet me, when I asked why she said she'd told them about me and they suggested it."

Edward's anger rose slightly, he didn't for a second think Alphonse was so dense that he didn't see  _exactly_  why a girl would want him to meet her parents, or why her parents would want to meet him.

And suddenly the anonymous Elizabeth wasn't looking to Edward quite so much like just a friend to Alphonse.

Edward didn't care to think before he spoke, he clenched the handle of his mug,

"Are you dating her?" he asked plainly.

His insides were unsettled as he asked it, he was anxious and confused by the new development he hadn't seen happening and by how he felt emotionally about it.

Alphonse frowned deeply at him as though he'd just spoken gibberish and swallowed down the gulp of his tea he'd taken like it tasted bad. He gave Edward an irritated look as he put his mug down harder than necessary on the table but he didn't answer and just stood up, his chair scraping against the tiles noisily as it was pushed back.

Edward sat back and watched him leave the kitchen before he brought his hands together and leaned his elbows on the table, he interlocked his fingers and pressed his forehead to his thumbs and he took a deep calming breath.

After a few deep breaths he stood up slowly, he felt too queasy to eat anymore so he threw his and Al's toast out and deposited his mug and saucer in the sink along with Alphonse's. He tried to push his confusing feelings out of his mind, he didn't know what to think, on one hand he could assume that the look he'd received from Alphonse had been one of admonition for stupidly asking what he had but on the other hand, he felt like the lack of answer represented something as well.

And if it did…if Alphonse was  _dating_  this girl, then why didn't Edward feel relieved?

He left the kitchen and made his way back his bedroom, he stepped inside to find Alphonse doing his hair in the full length mirror, his expression was less passive and more annoyed.

Edward stopped just inside the door and watched him run a brush through his short hair damp hair until it was in its standard style…then the younger blonde reached into the wardrobe for his hair gel and Ed's anxiety started up fresh as his younger brother started styling his hair…

Into the same hair style that made him look really cute and Edward knew it well because he liked it on Alphonse.

He clenched his jaw, telling himself to let it go because it was guaranteed to turn into an argument if he forced the issue…but he couldn't help it.

Something about Alphonse dating a girl secretly after  **every fucking thing**  Edward had put himself through to be with him intimately ate away harshly at his insides,

"Alphonse, are you dating that girl?" he said it in a deceptively calm voice.

Via the mirror Alphonse looked at him and dropped his arms to his sides as his eyes narrowed,

"Screw you, Edward." He said in a cold tone and turned away from the mirror, his face going from annoyed to upset very quickly.

Edward's temper flared,

"Don't speak to me like that." He said in a warning voice as Alphonse walked toward him to try and leave the room.

"Fine, I'm sorry." Alphonse said in a sad exasperated voice and attempted to walk passed Edward.

Edward could see he was upset but he stepped in front of him to stop him from leaving the room anyway,

"Why won't you answer me?" he narrowed his golden eyes.

Alphonse glared at him,

"Because it's a stupid fucking question!" he said harshly, no longer passive.

Edward wasn't going to be yelled down this time,

"Then why the hell are you meeting her fucking parents? Don't act like you don't know what that means to girls, you're not fucking stupid." He said back just as loud but twice as harsh.

Alphonse rolled his eyes and snorted derisively,

"She's my  _friend_  Edward! Just a friend." He said calmly.

"Then why meet her parents so formally?" Edward asked stiffly and he pinned Alphonse with a look.

The younger blonde blinked slowly, all tension leaving his face,

"Why do you care?" he asked quietly.

Edward was again faced with his conflicted emotions at the question. Of course he  _cared_ , but  **why**  did he care? Was it because he wanted to know if Alphonse was moving past their incestuous relationship, was it because he didn't like being lied to? Was it because they were 'together' and he'd assumed that meant they were a monogamous couple…was he jealous?

 _'Shouldn't I be happy about this, this is what I wanted not too long ago…'_  yet it felt distinctly like he was hurt by it.

Alphonse sighed and saved him from having to answer,

"Edward, why are you even asking me **that** …you know how I feel about you." He sounded as if he were tired of saying it and his eyebrows drew together slightly as he sighed.

Edward swallowed sorely and frowned, unsure of his own reaction,

"It just sounded strange…" he admitted as much as he was willing to as he quickly organized his thoughts.

He'd been so taken up by his emotions he hadn't looked at the situation objectively like he should have, the longer he was with Alphonse the less detached he became to their new closeness. He'd long since acknowledged that he'd fallen in love with his younger brother somewhere in all of the chaos and pain but he'd always maintained his brotherly sense on some level.

That same sense finally came to the forefront and Edward nodded at Alphonse, who looked tired,

"Anyway, I didn't want to just assume anything so I had to ask. If you were dating a girl I'd expect you to tell me first, I think I deserve that much." He was surprised by how steady – and rigid- his tone was, "If you're friends with a girl it's a good thing too, if anyone sees you with her it'll take the focus off of you and me, it's good for appearances if people think you have a girlfriend." Edward finished looking straight into his younger brother's face.

His insides felt cold.

Alphonse was looking at him with an empty expression as he spoke and when he'd stopped talking the younger blonde blinked slowly and then a few more times as though he'd only just absorbed the words and a slight wince crossed his face before he averted his gaze to his gel sticky hands,

"Okay, Edward." He mumbled and then walked around the older blonde.

Edward didn't watch Alphonse leave the room…he knew what he'd just said had undoubtedly added yet another thing to the growing distance between them, he knew what he'd said was unnecessary and cold, he knew he'd hurt Alphonse and like it always did, it hurt him as well.

Romantic relationships were never as simple as just love and sex, they required far more than that…

…something that they naturally didn't have, no matter how much they pretended.

Chemistry, understanding, the same wants and needs…they were missing many things even though they had others. But the dedication, affection and trust they had for each was uneven, not in volume because he knew they cared about each other mostly equally, but in nature, because Alphonse felt them differently from Edward.

The feelings meant different things to each of them.

Edward felt bad for what he'd said but his words were true, he'd rather be told beforehand if Alphonse decided to start dating girls and it would be good if people assumed the younger blonde had a girlfriend.

With his day off to a shitty start, he pulled his tie from his bundled hair and resigned himself the annoying process of blow drying his hair.

After ten minutes of brushing and drying, the loud whirr of the hair dryer had brought his coffee healed head ache back full force and he was tying his hair up into a neat smooth pony tail.

He left his bedroom with his wallet and keys in one hand and his blueprints rolled up in his other arm a minute later. As he walked down the hall he glanced into Alphonse's bedroom, the bathroom and the kitchen but he didn't see the younger man. When he reached the end of the hall and saw the lounge was empty Edward sighed, the weight in his stomach returned as he realized Alphonse had left without saying goodbye to him.

He  **hated**  it when Alphonse did that.

He knew that for the rest of the day he'd feel like shit because he'd be worried and thinking about Alphonse.

Edward clenched his teeth and juggled the items in his hands as he pulled on his lace up boots, then he straightened out, picked his work bag up from beside the coat closet and left the apartment, locking the door behind him.

* * *

Edward was on his fifth cup of coffee by the time it was ten minutes before twelve noon, he still had a headache and he'd not stopped thinking of how to apologize to Alphonse when he got home that night.

He hadn't come up with anything brilliant yet.

He knew what he'd said had hurt his younger brother, he'd pretty much given Alphonse permission to find a girlfriend and sounded as though he didn't care much more than just to get a heads up first. But when he thought about it, not only did he know he should have been less of a bastard about it…but also he didn't really want to think of the younger blonde finding a girlfriend.

It was disturbing to realize that he acknowledged himself as Alphonse's lover and that he expected to be seen that way, he hadn't realized the idea of Alphonse seeing a girl behind his back could make him feel so angry and hurt.

Still, even though he didn't necessarily want Alphonse to find a girlfriend, he knew that logically and healthily, he shouldn't stop his younger brother from doing so if it was happening naturally. He'd already been selfish enough with Alphonse…he knew he should let the younger blonde go if he found someone proper to be with.

He was sure the feelings he was experiencing were just a side effect of him conditioning his mind into dealing with being in an incestuous relationship, Edward was certain that given time he would be able to put the new feelings he'd developed aside if it meant both of them being together as nature intended, as brothers and only brothers.

The thought did leave him feeling strangely empty but he didn't focus on it, he sighed and looked over the lines and figures on the blueprint paper on the desk in front of him with disdain.

"Edward, I'm ready to be wined and dined." A familiar voice sounded along with a few thuds of hard rubber to steel stairs at the doorway to Ed's small office.

He looked up from his incomplete revised building plans to see Mustang standing in the doorway of his makeshift office with a smirk on his face and Edward raised an eyebrow,

"I was thinking of just getting pizza and beer." He lied.

The older man made an unimpressed face,

"That's fine, I'm more interested in watching you pay for my food for once." He pointed out.

Edward smirked because he detected a hint of disappointment,  _'He's so spoiled.'_  Edward laughed inwardly,

"I thought that might be why you agreed to have lunch with me, I mean, surely someone as important as you has better things to be doing than having lunch with an ex-subordinate." He said in his blandest tone as he pulled a pencil from behind his ear and dropped it on his desk.

As usual the older man didn't miss a beat, standing up straight and neatening his uniform jacket right when Edward pushed his chair back and stood,

"Of course I do, but you're more than just an ex-subordinate, you're a valued friend, Edward." His tone was light and far too pleasant.

Edward was just coming around his desk when he heard that and he made a face,

"What the hell Mustang, how many times have I told you can't sweet talk me, I'm not that easy. And besides I wasn't really going to buy you a cheap lunch you scaly bastard." He gestured for the older man to leave the small office.

Mustang followed his gesture and walked down the three steel steps into the bustling construction area,

"Can you blame me for making the effort, I didn't want to have driven across town to eat pizza." Mustang said dully. Edward saw him glance at him when he fell into step beside the older man as they crossed the sandy grounds to the exit gates, "And stop calling me Mustang, I've told you before."

The blonde looked at him sidelong,

"I'm not calling you Roy, if I do that people will think we're friends." Edward tried to sound annoyed but he was smirking.

"Of course I forget, you can't risk anyone finding out that you actually like me." he quipped back.

"Exactly." Edward retorted.

They were both smiling by the time they reached Mustang's military issued vehicle and Edward climbed into the passenger side beside Mustang, who started up the car and then paused with one hand on the gearshift and the other on the steering wheel,

"You didn't forget your wallet, did you Ed?" Mustang asked mock seriously.

Edward narrowed his eyes at the older man as he rolled down the window,

"You keep this up and I'll make you eat my boot for lunch, bastard." He warned and shook his head at Mustang's amused expression as the older man shifted the gears and pulled out of the parking area.

Edward turned to look out of his window as they drove into traffic, he rested his elbow on the open window space of the door and stared up at the dark clouds above threatening early evening rain.

He just hoped it only started once he was home, he didn't want to get caught in it.

He glanced at Mustang, the man looked as bored and well postured as usual as he drove. Edward was still surprised at how easy he felt around Mustang, especially considering that the man had seen him  **cry**.

Edward suppressed a shudder of disgrace for himself at the memory, he had honestly dreaded the day that had followed that awful night so many months ago, he'd expected that when he saw the older man he would be mocked or been made light of for his break down.

But it hadn't been like that, when he'd walked into the older man's office and looked at Mustang's obviously hung over and tired facial expression, he'd been grateful that there was no smug look that greeted him.

They'd started off with mild greetings and then the older man had griped about his aching head for a while –Mustang complained a lot- while Edward pretended to listen, he'd waited for it to come up but in the end Mustang hadn't even mentioned their conversation in the public restroom.

He talked more about the phone numbers he'd found in his pocket and how he didn't remember getting half of them. And it wasn't that Mustang didn't remember it because he asked about whether Ed and Al had worked out their differences and said –while grinning – that Edward had to pay for his drinks but he'd let Alphonse's slide.

Mustang had never brought it up, not even after all the time passed.

It was strange and suspicious but very appreciated and Edward had remembered in that moment exactly why he'd always had respect for Mustang underneath all of his hostility and irritation. Mustang was a good guy, a loyal and trustworthy person… even if Edward needed reminding of that from time to time.

In a lot of ways it made it harder to lie to Mustang than it had been before, his concern for Edward and Alphonse's wellbeing was genuine and Edward still felt the urge –in his weaker moments- to talk to him, just so he could get some of his guilt and the secrets off his chest. But it was not an option.

He didn't think it'd be fair of him to tell Mustang and then expect the older man not to do anything about it, he'd just be dragging one more person into their mess, just like he'd dragged Winry into it and that scenario was still a ticking time bomb…

…no one needed to know, it was his and Alphonse's secret.

He was grateful to have Mustang as a distraction and even if he hated to admit it, he did see the older man as a friend…not that he'd ever tell him – or anyone else- that.

* * *

In the end Edward decided it was best to ask Mustang where he wanted to eat, he was prepared if the older man decided to eat somewhere expensive. But he was surprised when not only did Mustang already have a place in mind, but he looked rather keen on going to wherever it was.

It turned out to be a steakhouse restaurant, he said it was relatively new and that the food was great.

Edward was relieved, not because it wasn't a fancy place but because he ate steak, he  _loved_ steak and he would pay good money for good meat.

They were seated at a table in the busy place soon after they entered the large restaurant and were given menus with a smile. Mustang ordered a beer from the seating host and Edward did as well, she nodded and said she'd send the order over with a waitress.

Edward was looking over the menu with a smile and he liked what he saw, he didn't care all that much what Mustang ate because he was probably going to spend more on himself and Alphonse anyway,

"Does this place do food to go?" he asked from behind his menu.

"Yes and I'm sure Alphonse will appreciate the food as much as you will…" he heard the amusement in the older man's voice, he probably found it funny how well he knew the blonde but Edward didn't comment. He did blink and frown when his menu was pulled down and he saw that Mustang was grinning as he hailed someone over, "…the food is not the only reason I wanted to bring you here." He said and then looked back to Edward, lowering his arm.

Edward raised an eyebrow and contemplated Mustang's usual motives,

"You can't talk me into re-joining the military…and I will not talk you up to whatever woman you just spotted and called over here…" He grinned to himself and continued looking at his menu.

He glanced up to see Mustang giving him a bored look,

"Well…I'm guilty of the first thing you mentioned and I honestly think you should consider it because you'd be reinstated at a higher rank, higher pay and you'd be working for me directly…" Edward rolled his eyes and turned a menu page, "… **but**  that isn't the main reason I brought you here." Mustang smiled slyly and turned his attention to someone coming to the table.

Edward frowned and glanced up at the person who came to stand at their table…and he blinked stupidly as recognition dawned on him, his eyebrows rose when the familiar girl looked from Mustang to him, her eyes widening as she recognized him too.

The blonde girl smiled at him, she was the same waitress from Red Velvet. He attempted to smile back but his last memory of this pretty waitress had been of his younger brother almost calling her a slut…which made him feel awkward.

He couldn't recall her name but she had no such problem,

"Hi you, what a nice coincidence…" Edward shot Mustang a dirty look "…you're Edward, right?" She looked thoughtful about it but Edward knew she knew she was right, still he nodded,

"Uh, yeah..." He glanced at her name badge and she saw it but wasn't offended,

"Kimberly." She grinned, "You were pretty drunk, I'm not surprised you don't remember."

Edward hadn't been that drunk but he didn't want to tell the girl he just didn't remember her name because he didn't care to, so he remained quiet and pictured himself kidney punching Mustang to help himself smile at her.

"You should never get so drunk that you don't remember a girl's name, Edward." Mustang looked far too amused.

"It wasn't like that." Edward said quickly and in a clipped tone, feeling awkward and annoyed.

She laughed lightly and shook her head at Mustang so her neck length ponytail wiggled,

"It really wasn't like that, we just talked and he was really sweet to me, even drunk which is pretty rare considering my line of work." She said easily, Edward could tell she was a social person, confident too.

She wore the waitress uniform of the restaurant, pin stripe black shirt with a black knee length skirt and flat shoes, she had a pocketed waist apron on as well, she was thin, medium chested and built sort of straight which he kind of liked, but there was nothing outstanding about her.

"Yes, Edward is a really nice guy…" Edward wanted to kick Mustang for his sarcastic tone of voice, "…and he's also single."

Edward clenched his teeth at that comment but he tried to stay outwardly calm and keep his irritation off his face, his day was really getting worse by the second.

She laughed lightly again and Edward looked at her as she made a smiling pout with her lightly glossy pink lips at him,

"I've already been turned down once…" she said in a light tone and Edward was relieved that she seemed content to end the awkward conversation there, "Do you guys have a waitress?" Mustang shook his head and picked up his menu quickly, "Okay, what can I get you for lunch?" she asked as she pulled out her order pad from one of her apron pockets.

Edward quickly rattled off what he'd seen on the menu that he liked and Mustang ordered something similar and with a smile at both of them she walked away.

"What the hell was that?" Edward asked in a harsh quiet tone.

Mustang raised his eyebrows and smiled as he leaned back in his chair,

"That, Edward, was me setting you up with a very attractive girl."

The blonde clenched his teeth and shook his head, sitting back and swallowing his anger.

It would be too suspicious if he got mad about Mustang trying to hook him up with a girl, especially since he was 'single' and the girl so obviously liked him. He knew he had to stay calm, the older man wasn't at fault for much except being nosy and it didn't matter anyway, he wasn't interested in the girl and the 'set up' wouldn't go anywhere.

"Edward." Mustang said quietly.

He had been looking around the restaurant but he looked back to the older man at his low tone,  
"What?" he sighed and crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back.

"Am I wrong, are you not single anymore?" Mustang enquired, inclining his head.

Edward glared at him,

"No…" he huffed, "…it's not that…I mean yes, I am single...it's just…" He realized that fabricating a relationship would be complicated with someone as insightful as Mustang, best not to over lie.

"Just what?" Mustang blinked and then raised a fine black eyebrow, "You don't find her attractive? Oh wait…" he lowered his voice, "…are you gay?" he asked completely seriously.

Edward clenched his fists, he was sure Mustang was just trying to rile him up by being so damn annoying,

"Just shut up already, I don't need your help getting a girl."

"So you do like girls?"

"Mustang." He warned.

"What, I'm just curious." Mustang said looking as innocent as he could considering the smirk on his face.

Edward didn't get a chance to say anything because Kimberly came back to the table and placed their chilled beers down with beer glasses and smiled,

"Here you go, guys. Your food will be another ten minutes."

Mustang smiled, Edward smiled as much as he could and watched her walk away.

"She's very attractive, I know you think so." Mustang said casually.

"You don't know anything." Edward mumbled and twisted the cap off his beer.

"I know you like blondes."

Edward nearly choked on his sip of beer because when Mustang said that the first face that popped into his head was Alphonse…in a less than platonic and rather recent memory, one that accompanied the fading love bite on his stomach and it stirred up some highly inappropriate warmth.

"I'm right aren't I?" Mustang asked with a grin, "I'm thinking, light eyes too?" he asked next and Edward placed his bottle down hard on the table,

"What the hell is wrong with you and all the personal questions?" He narrowed his eyes.

Mustang no longer asked about Alphonse and no longer seemed to have any suspicions, Edward took credit for that since he looked well and their secret was –for the moment- very well kept from anyone, but all the personal questions had to be for a reason.

"I'm just curious." Mustang said again and twisted the cap off his own beer.

"Well it's none of your business." He felt bad for saying that since Mustang had been a good friend and distraction in recent months from what was happening in his personal life, he didn't want to start pushing him away again because he was asking too many questions…but he would if he had to.

Mustang raised his eyebrows and folded his arms across his chest casually,

"I'm trying to figure out why you don't like her Ed, she's blonde, fit and pretty. Unless you're in a relationship, have a different taste in girls, or you're gay, I don't understand why you wouldn't ask her out. She's a sure thing. I know she likes you, she asked about you at the New Year's party and I told her to go over to the table and talk to you, I told her you were single and that you like blondes. Is it because she's a waitress, are you that shallow?" He sipped his beer and kept his dark eyes innocently wide on Edward's narrowed gold.

Edward blinked and drummed his fingers along his beer bottle,

"She asked about me?" he didn't remember much about her from that night, she'd not been important.

Mustang nodded,

"Yes, she asked me if you were waiting on a date and I said no." he inclined his head and lowered his voice, "Considering the circumstances of that night it made sense you didn't pay attention to her," Edward grimaced inwardly but once again Mustang stepped around the details, "so when I saw her working here, I think it was two weeks ago or so, I decided that I'd bring you by here sometime and give you a second shot." he raised an eyebrow suggestively.

Edward blinked at the lengthy explanation and considered telling Mustang he just wasn't dating at the moment, but he knew too well that saying something like that would just get him a whole new line of questioning and short of telling Mustang to 'fuck off' and severing his only non-hostile non-dysfunctional friendship, he didn't think he'd be able to get the man to leave it alone.

Edward draped his arm over the chair back, his other stretched out so he could hold his beer and he crossed his legs, feigning indifference,  
"What makes you think I like girls just for their looks, I don't even know her." He said casually.

"Are you gay?" Mustang asked again with a bored expression.

"Stop that!" he snapped and Mustang grinned,

"Why're you so defensive about that question, don't be ashamed if you are." He teased with a lopsided smile.

"I'm not ashamed of anything," Edward grumbled and then huffed, "I have no preferences when it comes to that,  **okay,**  so stop asking." He admitted, deciding that giving Mustang something personal about himself was likely to placate him on some level.

And he was right, the older man looked somewhat stunned at the admission like he hadn't actually expected an answer, Mustang sipped his beer with a thoughtful look on his face. Edward sipped his own beer and stared at the tablecloth, looking up again only when the older man spoke,

"I'm sure we could find you a cute guy too, I'm guessing you still like blondes even in men?" Mustang had a mock serious expression on his face as he glanced around the restaurant.

Edward frowned, his stomach felt cold as he again pictured his younger brother's handsome face and thought about his soft blonde hair,

"Quit it Mustang, I'm not looking for a hook up…and keep what I told you to yourself." He was giving Mustang his trust, which he knew the older man would value.

Edward felt slightly awkward at the silence that settled between them after that, he second guessed himself about revealing his bisexuality to Mustang, he didn't think Mustang was homophobic but he was definitely too quiet all of a sudden.

 _'Could this day get any worse?'_  He sighed inwardly, trying not to think of anything except the delicious meal he'd be eating soon, that was something he could at least enjoy.

"I'm going to the restroom, I drank a lot of coffee this morning and had to sneak out of the office to come to lunch because Hawkeye was in one of her moods, so I didn't get a chance before I ran out and this beer isn't helping." Mustang said out of the blue and he stood up neatly.

Edward watched him stand,

"You mean the mood where she expects you to actually do work." He managed to joke and Mustang grinned,

"The very same." He turned and started to weave his way through the restaurant.

Edward sighed once the older man was far away, his shoulders were tense and the beer was making his head ache worse. He didn't know why Mustang was suddenly so quiet and he almost wished the older man was still nagging him about asking the waitress out, at least he knew how to deal with that. He was worried that what he'd said could have somehow made the older man suspicious.

Edward's palms felt clammy,

 _'My being bisexual and liking blondes can't possibly make him suspicious about Alphonse, I'm being stupid. That sort of reasoning wouldn't even make any sense.'_  He shook his head as he folded his arms on the tabletop and stared at the unused glasses.

He didn't want Mustang to get suspicious about anything, if he could help it he didn't want the older man even thinking about Alphonse. He heard the shuffling of steps and looked up as the waitress came to the table balancing their food plates in her arms, she smiled as she placed his plate down in front of him first.

Edward's mouth watered at his meal, he took the knife and fork wrapped in a napkin from her after she placed Mustang's food down,

"Thanks." He tried to keep his tone neutral and pleasant, he didn't want to make her uncomfortable considering he'd turned her down once and she was being such a good sport about it.

Not that he wouldn't check if she'd spat in his food.

"No problem." She smiled and for the first time Edward detected a hint of sadness in it.

She started to walk away when he remembered he had to order for Alphonse,

"Hey, uh, Kimberly." He turned in his chair and watched her turn around to face him, her ponytail swinging around at how quickly she turned,

"Yes?" she came back to the table.

He felt bad at how perky and…hopeful…she seemed,

"Could you please add another order like this one…" he gestured to his meal, "…to my bill, except make it to go." he smiled at her.

She nodded quickly, pushing her slightly too long fringe away from her light brown eyes,

"Sure…" she nodded again and made to turn but stopped and looked down at him, Edward raised his eyebrows at her since he could tell she wanted to say something,

"I know…I know you said that night in the club that you're not dating but um…" she pursed her lips and slipped her hands into her apron pockets, "…maybe you wouldn't mind just hanging out?"

Edward frowned slightly, he doubted the girl would be interested in 'hanging out' with him without any eventual expectations. As much as Alphonse insisted he and  _Elizabeth_  were friends, Edward knew too well that it didn't stay that way with girls and guys. He'd known Winry from when they were just kids and even that friendship had become non-platonic. He didn't think it was impossible to be  _just_ friends with a girl, but it wasn't likely in most cases, especially with girls who wanted a guy to meet their parents.

He felt himself getting angry at the thought of the anonymous girl in his younger brother's life and smothered it, focusing instead on the pretty blonde standing at his table.

"Hanging out?" he questioned before sipping his beer.

She shifted, leaning against the table a bit when another waiter slipped past behind her with three plates balanced on his arms and then she looked back at Edward,

"Well, I mean…like this Friday night I'm not working at Red Velvet and I'm meeting a few of my friends at one of our favorite music cafés, we usually just hang out, a few guys and girls, some light drinking, conversation and acoustic music, nothing much. Maybe if you're free, you could come too, we could get to know each other." She tipped her head and smiled, "I promise I won't flirt with you…too much." She grinned at her own teasing.

Edward let what she'd suggested sink in, he hadn't been out with people since Creta, he'd never had exclusive friends or had partied with anyone but he had spent some time with certain people –usually fellow researches and alchemists- whose company was decent, mostly in bars and restaurants, never clubs or cafés. He wasn't overly social but he wasn't socially crippled either. If he went out with her once and 'hung out' then he'd at least have something to tell Mustang.

When he thought about what he'd said to Alphonse about having a female friend being good for appearances, he knew that he should be practicing what he preached, especially since he had people like Mustang watching him so closely.

 _'Bastard.´_  he griped inwardly and nodded at Kimberly,

"That doesn't sound so bad, I'm free on Friday night. Where is the café?" He said it but at the same time wondered exactly what he was going to tell his brother/lover about where he was going.

 _'What the fuck am I doing?'_  he knew he was being impulsive and stupid again and Alphonse deserved better.

"Great." She beamed. "I'll write the address down and bring it back with your bill, your friend can come as well, some of my friends have a thing for a man in uniform." She gestured to Mustang's empty seat with a naughty grin.

He glanced around and he spotted Mustang walking back from across the restaurant,  
"Ah, no that's okay, he's a busy guy." He doubted Mustang would come even if he was asked but Edward didn't want to ask him.

It was bad enough that he'd agreed to go. The last thing he needed was to have Mustang and his encouraging eyebrow waggles there to make it worse.

"How long has the food been here?" Mustang walked up and sat down in his place, glancing at Kimberly, she smiled,

"Only a few minutes, I could reheat it for you again if you like." She offered.

Mustang smirked,

"That's okay, I can do it myself."

She frowned, Edward stared at him and Mustang realized she didn't know what he meant,

"I'm an alchemist."

Edward was amused by the fact that she either didn't know what that meant or didn't care,

"Okay then, what about you, reheat?" she smiled rather warmly and Edward knew Mustang was watching,

"No thanks, I'm good." He nodded slightly and unwrapped his knife and fork.

"Ok, call me if you need anything." She said to them both but kept her eyes on Edward, who didn't watch her leave, he was bracing himself to listen to whatever Mustang was about to say since he was grinning like a devil,

"She seemed flirtatious, what happened, did you ask her out?" Mustang was cutting into his steak, he chewed on a piece and seemed to find it still hot enough.

Edward hoped that his decision wouldn't backfire on him at some point,

"Something like that, we're going out Friday night." He stopped himself from sighing irritably.

The older man looked shocked for a moment but he grinned after a moment and swallowed the piece of meat he'd been chewing,

"Very nice, Ed." He said and then sipped his beer.

Edward was very annoyed by Mustang's slyness, this was all the old bastard's fault somehow and Ed was also stressed about what had just happened, on top of that he was still trying to stop thinking about Alphonse and Elizabeth and what their breakfast  _date_  had been like...before he could think about it too much and lose his appetite, he tucked into his food, determined to at least enjoy his meal if everything else in the day was going to be so shitty.

* * *

The remainder of his afternoon at work after his lunch with Mustang had been uneventful, he'd spent the rest of the day doing whatever needed to be done in between trying to work on the revisions. He honestly knew he could get more constructive work done at home but he was getting paid to be there, so he stuck around.

For a split second he thought of how boring his life had become as he unlocked the apartment door and walked inside but the fact that the door was locked let him know that Alphonse wasn't home, which brought all of the emotions he fought off throughout the day rushing back and corrected him almost painfully about just how complicated his life was.

Boring would be a nice change of pace.

He stepped inside and kicked the door shut behind him in frustration as he took a deep breath.

It was 6:30 and on a Wednesday Alphonse's last lecture ended at 4.30 pm. He should have been home for a while already and not knowing his whereabouts unsettled Edward on an entirely new level now that he knew about the younger blonde's female friend.

He hadn't wanted to properly consider the possibility that Alphonse had lied to him about his relationship with the girl but it seemed like it might be true, the more upset and worried he felt at the changes in Alphonse's behavior, the more likely it seemed he was lied to.

He shook his head and glanced down at his shoes, he nearly fell over as he started to struggle out of his boots. His hands were full, one arm full of rolled up blueprints and Alphonse's dinner packet and his work bag was in his other hand, so he couldn't unlace the boots and had to slip his feet out forcefully.

Once he had them off he left them lying askew in the door way, too irritable to care right then about picking up after himself, he made his way down the hall and into the kitchen where he placed the food packet on the table. He gathered his blueprints and bag into a better hold intending to take his stuff to the lounge where he'd be working later but he stopped from leaving when he noticed there were no dishes in the sink.

He frowned,

 _'Did he come ho-…'_  he turned his head toward the kitchen doorway when he heard the main door open down the hall. He walked out of the kitchen as the door closed loudly and he'd stepped into the hall just as Alphonse did, he was carrying a laundry basket with neat clean folded and dried clothes piled in it.

He walked toward Edward and the older blonde stepped aside since his stride was quick,

"Pick up your boots, Edward." Al said as he passed, Edward watched his back until he disappeared into his own bedroom.

"I just keep pissing him off." Edward muttered to himself and walked to the lounge. He placed his blueprints and bag as neatly as possible against the corner wall next to the book shelf and then went to the doorway to pick up his boots and put them beside the door neatly next to Alphonse's shoes.

Once he was done he walked back down the hall to Alphonse's bedroom and he pushed the door inward, he leaned in the doorway and glanced from the unused double bed –he'd had to buy two for appearances' sake- to his younger brother who stood neatly packing away clothes into his wardrobe.

Edward walked a few paces into the room slowly,

"I bought you dinner, Al." He said quietly, he heard a meow and looked down at his legs to see CookieBoots rubbing up against him.

"Thanks." Alphonse answered quietly and evenly as he put away a pair of balled up socks.

"Thanks for doing the laundry." Edward tried again, disliking the cold atmosphere.

"You're welcome." Alphonse responded, keeping his eyes on what he was doing.

Edward frowned sadly and averted his gaze to the side…in the past months, ever since just after Edward's birthday when his own mood swings had started, there'd been times when Alphonse became despondent like this and it was usually because he was feeling neglected and waiting for Edward to let him know it was okay to be close again.

Alphonse had been dealing with the lack of physicality a lot better lately and Edward supposed he'd been taking advantage of that, he expected that all he needed to do was give a little extra affection and he'd make the younger blonde feel better and come around but after everything that had happened that day he wasn't really up to sex. He sighed and glanced down at the purring cat at his feet.

When he was feeling shitty, when he wasn't in a good frame of mind, he discovered a few months ago for the first time that it was much harder to concentrate when it came to sex and being too distracted made it hard to stay in the moment, it made it hard to keep an erection when he couldn't stop thinking about his guilty pleasure and the countless mistakes he'd made in his life. He always ended up sleeping badly afterward, having  _that_  nightmare where Alphonse cried beneath him, or of the Gate taking Alphonse…or he would just cry quietly for hours and not sleep at all.

His stress had started right around the time he'd learned that Alphonse was researching the experimental side of sex…and was starting to mention things he'd like to do in bed. The bolder Alphonse became the less of a grip Edward had on himself and their relationship.

It was no good for him to be physical with Alphonse when he wasn't feeling well, he knew all he needed was some recuperation time, he needed to catch up on sleep and get his head together and then he'd be fine again for a while. They'd been through this before a few times and while he knew the younger blonde didn't take it well, he always waited patiently for Edward to let him know he was feeling better.

And then Edward would make it up to him…dying a bit more inside every time he fucked Alphonse –and enjoyed it- to compensate for the deficiency.

He couldn't help the relapses, even though he tried to, different things affected his feelings and his latest slump had been brought on by their near constant fighting recently. Alphonse had been extra tense for some reason and whenever he wasn't fighting he'd be quiet and complacent like he'd been that morning during breakfast, nice but not all that nice.

Edward assumed Alphonse was starting to get fed up with him, but he didn't think he'd be much good in bed in his current frame of mind.

And he didn't want to hurt Alphonse, he knew that if he couldn't keep an erection during sex he wouldn't be able to explain his emotional problems to the younger blonde, and even if he did, it'd only cause problems between them because Alphonse would take it the wrong way.

He suspected that Alphonse had an idea of what plagued him, the younger blonde wasn't stupid. A few months back Al had talked about trying new sex positions and Edward hadn't reacted well –even though he'd hidden it from the younger man- he had started to suspect Alphonse had noticed because he hadn't brought it up again since.

Edward felt bad when he thought about how accommodating Alphonse was. He had so much patience and Edward tended to take advantage of it, not giving his devoted younger brother half as much affection and closeness as he knew Alphonse craved.

They hardly even kissed anymore and he knew how much Alphonse loved kissing.

Before they'd ever had sex, it had been kissing that the younger blonde enjoyed most.

Edward ran his fingers through his bangs as he watched Alphonse pack away the last of his clothes, what was left in the basket was Edward's. Slowly, he walked over to Alphonse and stood close behind him…he enjoyed kissing Alphonse…and the idea seemed like a good one right then.

Things were so tense between them and he hoped it'd make them both feel better.

He slipped his arms around Alphonse's waist, pulling the younger blonde back against him lightly and the Al stopped what he was doing and stood still. Edward glanced over his shoulder and saw that he'd been refolding a T shirt. Deciding that he had the younger man's attention, Edward placed a kiss to the back of his neck, quietly inhaling the day worn scent of his skin before he placed another kiss to the side of Alphonse's neck.

The smell of Alphonse's skin and the texture against his lips always stirred up Edward's arousal, he'd become so used to it, he missed it sometimes, it soothed his senses.

The sickness of his feelings no longer bothered him, there was no point when they'd already done the things they had and they felt the way they did.

He kissed Alphonse's neck a few more times and then stopped when Alphonse moved to turn around in his arms.

Edward smiled softly at him but he didn't smile back, there was a slight red hue to his cheeks though and it reminded the older blonde of how much Alphonse wanted to be close to him.

It never flattered him how much Alphonse wanted him but it did remind him to try harder and be better.

If only it wasn't so hard to give in, if only Edward didn't have to feel the guilt and confusion he awoke with every morning, then he'd be able to give into Alphonse without any draw backs.

Edward leaned in, pulling Alphonse against himself as he did so, he pressed a firm kiss to the younger blonde's closed lips and when Al pulled back slightly he did it again, wetting his lips just before.

Once he pressed a third kiss to Alphonse's soft lips the younger blonde stopped hesitating and he pressed into the kiss as well, exhaling quietly and raising his arms to encircle Ed's neck. Alphonse tilted his head just when Edward teased the seam of his lips with a sliver of his tongue and Al's lips parted automatically.

He kissed Alphonse slowly, playing with his tongue and worrying his lips with small sucks and bites. Edward wasn't surprised by his body's warm reaction, he was as attracted to Alphonse as any person in their right mind would be. He only wished that he could give into his carnal side and not have to deal with the emotional onslaught he often suffered after and sometimes during sex.

Life would be so much easier and Alphonse would be so much happier.

Edward felt Alphonse's arms leave his shoulders and the younger blonde's hand's touched his face on either side, warm and smooth, his fingers brushed Edward's bangs away from his cheeks and his tongue lapped slowly but sensually at Edward's.

Edward pulled Alphonse tighter against himself as he tilted his head and kissed his younger brother slightly harder, stroking his hands firmly up and then down Alphonse's back before settling them low on the younger blonde's back, one of his hands hitched up under the hem of Al's shirt as he ran his hands upward again and his fingers caressed soft skin.

Edward was confused when Alphonse exhaled deeply and pulled back, separating their lips with a soft smack, he was frowning,

"Don't do this Edward…" he swallowed slowly, "…I saw all of that work you brought home with you." Alphonse slowly removed his hands from Ed's face and neck, "We both know you're not going to be in bed tonight…" he said softly, his expression made Edward feel like utter shit, he looked so derelict, "…so don't get my hopes up."

When he touched Edward's arms as if to remove them the older blonde let him go and he ran his hand over his slightly wet lips and frowned while Alphonse straightened his shirt.

What could he say to that?

"Sorry, Al." he was beginning to hate those words, how many times could he say sorry before it got old?

"It's fine." Alphonse sighed as he leaned down to pick up the half full clothes basket.

Edward raised his hands and took the basket,

"You go and eat, I'll pack this away." He offered with a small smile.

Alphonse let go,

"Neatly?" he asked evenly.

Edward nodded,

"And in all the right places." He nodded.

He was hoping to get a smile out of Alphonse and he was rewarded, even if it was small it was still a smile.

He followed Alphonse out of the room and they went down the hall opposite ways, Edward opened his bedroom door once he reached the end of the hall and stepped inside, closing it behind him.

He switched the light on and then walked to his wardrobes.

He started packing the clothes in, trying to ignore the heaviness in his heart. He knew he was hurting Alphonse and he wanted very badly to be able to smother him with affection –and he did when he was feeling well enough- but if he didn't take time for himself to sort out his constantly building guilt and conflicting emotions he'd start feeling miserable again and things between himself and Alphonse would likely just get worse and worse.

Despite telling Alphonse he'd do the packing neatly he became annoyed half way through and just pushed his boxers into his drawer two at a time and did likewise with his T shirts. He did hang his button up shirts and his jeans more neatly but that was just because the younger blonde was more likely to notice creases in them if they'd been bunched and crumpled.

When he was done he placed the basket in the corner next to the wardrobe and then ventured back out of the bedroom, down the hall and into the kitchen, he stopped in the doorway. Edward smiled when he saw Alphonse looking pleased with the food in the opened plastic container he held, it was steaming slightly, no doubt heated by alchemy.

Edward walked into the kitchen and Alphonse looked at him as he was putting the food container on the table,

"This is different than what you usually buy Ed, it's usually pasta, pizza or spicy rice and chicken." Al pulled a chair out after taking a knife and fork out of a kitchen drawer and then he sat down.

Edward glanced at him as he opened the fridge and reached in for an unopened bottle of cola soft drink,

"Yeah, I took Mustang to lunch today and we went to a new steak restaurant, I knew you'd want to try it." He wondered if Alphonse would be mad about him not having mentioned that he was going to lunch.

Then he remembered that in his pocket was a piece of paper with the address of the music café he was meant to meet Kimberly at on Friday night and he frowned as the weight of lies and secrets further aggravated his already guilt ridden state of mind.

He knew it was self-inflicted, Alphonse was not causing his suffering, it was his own weakness, the things he couldn't fully accept but couldn't change either constantly weighed on his mind.

"Ed, are you listening?" Alphonse's voice brought him back from staring into the still opened fridge, he stepped back and pushed the door shut,

"Sorry Al, I missed that." He said with a small grin when he turned around and saw Alphonse looking at him, a piece of steak stuck to the fork in his hand hovering over the food container,

"I just asked if by saying you took him to lunch, you meant that you footed the bill." He asked lightly, not even asking about Ed's distracted mind.

Edward felt slightly sick and wasn't sure he wanted anything to drink anymore, watching Alphonse behave with such tolerance, patience and just forgetting about his own personal needs just because he didn't want to hurt Ed made the older blonde loathe himself even more.

They were just hurting each other…but Edward had known it would be that way, he'd known from the moment he'd chosen this path that they would never bring each other real happiness, not in the sort of relationship they had now.

"Yeah…" he placed the cola on the table, "…I even bought the bastard dessert." Edward forced a smile as he took two glasses off the drying rack and placed the two items on the table before pulling a chair out to sit across from his younger brother, who was frowning slightly,

"…I've been wondering for a while now about you and him." Alphonse said after he'd swallowed his mouthful.

Edward blinked several times after he turned the cap off the bottle with a hiss, an old memory caused a sudden burn to further upset his stomach and sear up into his chest. Once, so many months ago…Alphonse had said something about Mustang and him that had disturbed him…but the part of the memory that disturbed him most was the vivid recollection of pain, inappropriate touching, tears and shame.

He hardly thought of the 'bad times' he'd had under Alphonse's manipulative hands and mouth anymore, everything that had happened before his repression and before his acceptance was too much a dark place for him to ever return to. But whenever it came up somehow, in his freed state of mind the memories shook him up right at his core, like right then as he swallowed stiffly and tried to purge the thoughts.

He mentally reminded himself that he'd received oral sex from Alphonse on his birthday and it had been nothing short of great,

 _'It's not bad like that anymore, I love him, I want him…it's okay now.'_  He thought quickly as he filled the first glass with the fizzy drink, pleased with his steady hands,

"What do you mean, Al?" even his voice was firm.

Alphonse was chewing as Edward pushed the glass across the table to him, so he poured his own glass –half full- and waited until the younger blonde had swallowed his food,

"I just noticed that you seem to get along better with him than I remember, are you and he friends?"

There was deep relief in hearing the nature of Alphonse's thoughts, it was nothing quite as strange as romantic suggestion, still, Edward had a hard time with the word friend and Mustang in the same sentence.

Even if they were friends, he didn't like to say so…it just didn't feel right.

"I guess, maybe…" he shrugged, "…you know I don't categorize people like that, I either like 'em or don't like 'em, they don't need labels or nothing." Edward raised his glass to his lips and sipped.

He glanced at Alphonse to see the younger man smiling slightly down at his food,

"You're so full of it Edward, why can't you just say he's your friend." He chuckled softly.

Since the night of the New Year's party Alphonse hadn't been hostile at the mention of Mustang, it was almost as if he trusted Edward's judgment on the older man completely. Edward wished he could be so sure of himself, he was still paranoid about Mustang's personal questions and imploring stares, but he didn't want to worry Alphonse unnecessarily, whatever he could deal with alone he would.

Mustang, Pinako, Winry…any one of them, he'd deal with it.

He knew he wasn't able to give Alphonse his total and complete uninhibited love because of his guilt and ever present brotherly needs. But Edward would protect him from outside interference as much as he could while he worked on himself, he would keep trying to be everything Alphonse deserved.

He would do what he could and fix what he couldn't until he was able to indulge in Alphonse's soft, pale flesh without an iota of guilt…because he owed his complete self to the younger blonde.

Alphonse gave himself completely and Edward was becoming more and more aware of the fact that he needed to do more, be better…

 _'I should apologize for this morning.'_  He remembered the harsh words he'd said, practically telling his younger brother to find someone else when he knew Alphonse didn't want that.

 _'Then what about his evasiveness about that girl friend of his and…and why the hell am I lying to him, why am I pushing him away…?'_  he had no answers for his confusion, which was the reason he needed space occasionally, just to stop himself from slipping backwards.

"Why'd  **you**  take him to lunch?" Alphonse sipped his soda after breaking the silence, his meal half eaten.

Edward looked up from the spot on the table he'd been absently staring at, he reached across the table and plucked a crispy fried chip from Al's food and before he popped it into his mouth he realized he hadn't told Al the news.

 _'He doesn't need to know I knew yesterday…'_  he easily chose to omit the information, lest he remind Alphonse of how bad their communication was and ruin the sparsely salvaged mood from earlier,

"He told me some good news…" Edward bit the chip in half –doing his best to ignore his unsettled stomach- and grinned when Alphonse raised his eyebrows expectantly, "…the bastard General is soon to be  **the**  bastard General of the Military. Four stars, the full regalia and all that junk." He ate the rest of the chip and sipped his cola.

Alphonse swallowed his mouthful as though he might choke as his eyes widened,

"Are you serious!? Edward that's  **huge**  news and you're saying it like you're talking about the weather, Roy Mustang is going to be the Fuhrer of Amestris." He half whispered and smiled in the way that made Edward's stomach flutter…until Alphonse frowned at him, "He's going to be  **Fuhrer**  and you took him to a steak restaurant for lunch?" He scolded mildly and shook his head.

Edward made a face,

"Don't say it like that, it was a nice gesture right? I could have just not done anything. And besides he chose the restaurant, see I even let him choose…I was willing to pay for his meal too no matter how expensive it was." he defended himself, whenever Alphonse gave him the 'Brother, that's no good' look he always tried to defend himself. It was a habit…a fond one.

Mentioning that Mustang chose the restaurant made the lingering taste of the chip on his tongue unpleasant, the paper in his pocket might as well have been burning a hole in his thigh with how uncomfortable it made him feel. He honestly couldn't figure out what possessed him to say yes to the waitress…but he was willing to believe it had something to do with Alphonse and his anonymous lady friend.

 _'Never figured myself for the jealous type…especially not for my own brother.'_ He squeezed the glass in his hand and focused on the cool condensation under his fingers, his right hand fingers…a hand and arm he'd never have had if not for Alphonse's selfless sacrifice.

"Well anyway…" Alphonse was smiling again, "…I think we should get him a proper gift but we'll wait until he's officially sworn into leadership. Did he say how soon?" the younger blonde had finished his meal and he made to stand but Edward reached across and took the container, smiling at him.

Edward would make every tiny effort to make up for his shortfalls.

He was glad when Alphonse sat back down, Edward stood with the container and walked to the bin to toss it out,

"He said he's been informed of his new position but Grumman's retirement won't be for another month, maybe two, so I guess he'll be sworn in sometime after that." Edward repeated what Mustang had rattled off to him.

"Okay great, it gives us some time to think of a special gift. It should be something imperishable to mark this great milestone for him." Alphonse was mumbling against the rim of his glass, clearly giving it serious consideration.

Edward was already bored of talking about Mustang, he had other things on his mind,

"So Al, how was your breakfast date?" he tried to keep his voice light as he walked over and sat back down.

Alphonse's green eyes settled on him and he finally took a gulp from the glass before he set it back down,

"It was nice, Elizabeth's parents are good people, also she has a little dog and it's really cute and pampered…" he chuckled and Edward frowned, "…she's an only child so they sort of spoil her, they're very wealthy." He finished and sipped his cola again, having ignored – or avoided- the fact that Ed had called it a date.

Edward nodded slowly, trying to digest what he'd heard, in all honesty it didn't sound so bad, his own situation with Kimberly, the waitress that Alphonse saw as a slut, was probably worse than what the younger blonde had going on with Elizabeth.

"So why'd her parents want to meet you?" he knew his voice was a little too stiff but he didn't look away from Alphonse, he wanted answers, may as well ask for them.

"I don't think there was any specific reason, they didn't want anything from me. Elizabeth just said that she mentioned she was good friends with me and they said they wouldn't mind meeting me, so she invited me to breakfast." Alphonse responded, saying something similar to what he'd said that morning before standing up and picking up their two glasses as he did so.

Edward was starting to dislike the way that name  _Elizabeth_  sounded out of the younger blonde's mouth, softly spoken and so well enunciated. It didn't really matter that Alphonse just spoke well in general and said everyone's names with properly sounded vowels and consonants, it mattered that his smooth voice was so familiar with that name in particular.

It  **mattered**  that Alphonse was playing innocent about something as obvious as meeting a girl's parents. Either he really believed the bullshit about her telling her parents they were good  _friends_  or Alphonse was  **lying**  to him.

 _'Taste of my own medicine…'_  he ran his hand over his mouth as he listened to Alphonse washing their glasses out just behind him at the sink.

"What about you, how was your lunch with the General?" Alphonse asked from behind him and Edward closed his eyes and sighed very quietly before pushing his bangs back from his face,

"It was fine, Mustang was annoying and the food was good." He mentioned the main points, leaving out the part about the waitress and stood up as well.

When he turned around Alphonse did as well, having finished with the two dishes, they were just two feet apart and they looked at each other for a moment, both expressions neutral…then Alphonse picked up a dry dishcloth and dabbed his hands on it, breaking their eye contact,

"I'm gonna take a shower and get into bed…I'll probably be up for a while reading…" Alphonse said quietly and Edward stopped himself from frowning, he knew why the younger blonde had mentioned that last bit.

In case Edward did come to bed, he might still be awake.

"I'll uh, I'll probably be a few hours." Edward mumbled and slipped his hands into his pockets.

Alphonse nodded and stepped forward, Edward leaned forward and kissed him goodnight, two soft kisses,

"Night, Edward." Alphonse said as he stepped back and turned around,

"Night, Al." the older blonde watched him walk out of the kitchen and then sighed and shut his eyes tightly, raising a hand to press his fingers to his eyes.

After a minute he heard the bathroom door shut, a minute further passed before the shower started up and Edward considered going to bed with Alphonse, holding him and kissing him –he always enjoyed that- and whatever happened after that he'd go with it, whether they had sex or not.

Sometimes Alphonse just wanted to be held…and Edward  _always_  wanted to hold him.

He shook his head, knowing there was always the chance the younger blonde would want to do more and Edward wasn't in the right frame of mind to be any good. He pulled his other hand out of his pocket with the slip of paper held in his fingers, he looked down at the information written in a basic neat handwriting, nothing fancy, nothing girly, just block capitals stating the address.

There was no phone number and not even her name.

Still, the paper felt like evidence of his lie so he memorized the address and crumpled the paper in his palm before stepping to the bin and tossing it out. He continued out of the kitchen, flicking the light switch down as he walked into the hall and turned to walk to the lounge.

He knew it was a good idea if both he and Alphonse went out and had separate friends, male or female, it would do no good if they isolated themselves. They both knew that, they'd talked about it at some point in the recent past.

Once in the lounge he picked up his bag and blueprints, checking the paper to see if CookieBoots had found his plans interesting but he saw no damage, he walked over to the couch and dropped his flat square shaped bag onto it. He sat down with a huff and then checked the printed numbers of the paper rolls until he found the one he was looking for.

He opened it out on the surface of the coffee table and pinned the curling sides with his hands as he looked over the building plan he needed to amend.

 _'This won't take me more than two hours or so…'_  he frowned, knowing that he could be in bed before Alphonse was asleep, it wasn't even 8 pm yet.

He shook his head, letting the paper up so it rolled into itself as he turned and opened his bag.

He removed all of his usual tools, his sketching materials, measuring devices, drafting tools, his tape, his case of math instruments and a badly crumpled roll of tracing paper, which he frowned at.

After a few minutes Edward had his work set out on the smooth coffee table, his drafting paper was layered and taped down, his materials laid out and very quickly he was lost in the drawing plans…but he did hear the shower switch off. Unconsciously he thought over the younger blonde's routine, he knew Alphonse would brush his teeth next, Ed knew he would go to his own bedroom first and dress and then he would walk quietly to Edward's empty room and slide silently into their shared bed.

And he'd probably struggle to sleep and would have to face the day tomorrow feeling about as shitty as Edward would. With an absent sigh Edward put his pencil to the paper and started working.

* * *

It wasn't long before his exhaustion and lack of sleep caught up with him, it was just after 11 pm when Edward dropped his pencil and protractor and rubbed his eyes irritably while leaning back in a slouch on the couch.

He knew he needed to sleep, he'd known for the last hour, but he couldn't bring himself to stand up and make himself take a shower before getting into bed and he didn't want to get into bed next to Alphonse –who would be smelling wonderful- and sleep next him with a day's worth of dust and light sweat on his skin.

He groaned quietly and dragged his hands down over his face, he looked around the lounge, beyond the archway was just darkness and he figured by this time Alphonse was asleep.

He took a deep breath and glanced over himself, he was still wearing his long sleeve shirt and jeans and it wasn't cold in the lounge, he decided he could sleep where he was, as he was.

He tipped sideways to lie down, closed his eyes and brought his legs up onto the couch, his feet rested on the armrest and his knees bent up slightly but it wasn't too cramped. He lay on his back and bent his one leg up lazily so it rested against the back of the couch before covering his eyes with an arm and resting a hand on his stomach over his shirt.

Edward immediately felt the pull of sleep shutting down his consciousness, he exhaled quietly and let sleep over come him.

* * *

Edward stirred from sleep when he felt a dip in the couch at his side, he forced his eyes open but they closed again quickly, feeling heavy and sore and he frowned. He tried to open his eyes again and as he did he felt another dip on the couch between his legs followed a moment later by a warm weight settling gently above him.

 _'Alphonse.'_  he thought immediately, the warmth spanned the length of his body and he could feel the firmness of his younger brother's front laying flush against his own, he became aware of a warm thigh between his legs and another rested alongside the outer of his leg on the couch's end as Alphonse stilled atop him.

Slowly he felt an arm fit in between his side and the couch back and at the same time a smooth warm hand slipped under his shirt.

Equally warm breath ghosted over his lips.

He managed to open his eyes only just but the lounge was dark and when he felt a slightly wet kiss pressed to his lips he closed his eyes again and returned it, though he was too weak and sleepy to even pucker his lips properly at first. He did wake up a little more as they shared a few more sleepy kisses, the hand under his shirt slid up slowly and then down again until it left the underside of his shirt.

Edward sighed contentedly when he felt Alphonse rest his head on his shoulder, the weight above him was warm and he could smell the younger blonde's skin and hair and it calmed and lulled him, making him feel all the more sleepy.

Edward raised his arms and placed them around Alphonse before he rolled to the side, facing the couch so Alphonse was between him and the back of the couch.

They adjusted to fit comfortably in the small space until they were settled and in his sleepy state Edward's hand sought out the soft skin he knew was under Alphonse's sleeping shirt and he slipped his hand under the hem and smoothed it upward along Al's back.

The younger blonde sighed softly against his neck and the leg between his own pressed upward as Alphonse pressed into him closer and wrapped an arm around Ed's waist.

Edward was glad Alphonse had come to him, he hated that he hadn't gone to the younger blonde like he should have but he would hold him right then…and kiss him like he'd wanted to earlier.

He didn't bother trying to open his eyes again because he knew the breath on his neck so well that just by dipping his head he was able to find the soft skin of Al's neck. He pressed a kiss there and exhaled softly against the freshly washed skin while he trailed his hand down Al's smooth back until his arm rested comfortably over the younger blonde's waist but was still under his shirt.

Edward didn't have to be fully awake to appreciate their closeness.

He heard Alphonse mumble something quietly against his neck which was followed by a kiss.

He had no idea what Alphonse said though…because he had already slipped too far into sleep.


	3. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Chester Bennington
> 
> NB: I do my best to make sure that all technology/devices mentioned in the story were in existence from at least 1930 in our time in an attempt to match the time period of Amestris as much as I can.
> 
> Credit for artwork goes to Lyson

__

* * *

_And the tears fall like rain_  
 _Down my face again_  
 _Oh the words you wouldn't say_  
 _And the games you played_  
 _With my young foolish heart_  
 _Oh I should have known this from the start_  


  
_Oh the winter and spring_   
_Going in hand in hand_   
_Just like my love and pain_   
_How the thought of you cuts deep within the vein_   
_Brand new skin stretched across scarred terrain_   


  
_I don't want to be let down_   
_I don't want to live my life again_   
_Don't want to be led down the same old road_   
_So I don't want to be let down_   
_I don't want to live my lies again_   
_Don't want to be led down the same old road_   


* * *

Alphonse was awake for at least a half hour before Edward's alarm clock rung out and disturbed the silence.

The sound was shrill and insistent but he didn't move or roll over to wake Edward up to put it off, he just lay completely still on his side facing the wall. He knew eventually the sound would breach the older blonde's sleep.

He didn't want Edward to know he was awake, a bitter part of him didn't want to receive a benign morning kiss or to see Ed's attractive sleep mussed appearance. Not after another night of sleeping alone, waking abruptly after a weird dream about Edward in the early morning hours and then not being able to get back to sleep.

And it wasn't the usual sort of 'weird' R rated dreams about sex and love he used to have either, for the last month he'd been having dreams that actually worried him. His dreams were of kissing Edward in public places, of Winry –always Winry- walking in on them in bed together and sometimes of Ed telling her he loved Alphonse and that he didn't love her…and the one he'd woken up from only an hour or so earlier had been the weirdest yet.

Edward had proposed to him, although not for marriage, but simply stating he wanted to be with Alphonse forever…and the weird part was the fact his older brother had been on one knee when the dream Ed said those words. It irked Alphonse that while Edward had basically told him on a number of occasions he did in fact want to be with him forever, it wasn't ever said in the context that Al would have preferred.

No, it was always brotherly.

'I love you, Alphonse.' always sounded exactly the way it did when he'd first recovered and Edward had cried at his hospital bed side. The same tone of voice, the same soft adoring smile…

Edward never said those words with the kind of love Alphonse himself did. Even during sex, even after all the months past, the older blonde always managed to make the words sound like an apology.

Alphonse stopped himself from sighing because after a minute of the annoying ringing Edward was finally awake and groaning, not long after that the bed shifted and the sound stopped.

It was silent again, except for the rustle of the sheets behind him on the double bed as Edward shifted. Alphonse had suggested they get new beds some time back…and it had been a good idea at first because it was much better having sex on a bed they could move about in more freely.

Of course it didn't serve that purpose very often since Edward avoided sex whenever he got the chance…and Alphonse had long since lost the energy and will to insist or force the issue.

He'd decided a while back to let Edward come to him…but that wasn't working out so well either.

 _'It's been ten days today.'_  He opened his eyes when the weight of Edward lifted off the bed, followed by the patting and soft clunking of his mismatched feet over the tiles as he crossed the floor and then left the bedroom. When the door clicked closed quietly Al let out a sigh and brought his hand up from under the sheet to rub his face and brush his hair back.

He remained laying on his side facing the wall, he knew he had to get up soon but not right away. He had plans that morning but it wasn't all that urgent. Not so urgent that he'd get up and share the bathroom with Edward while he was in the shower.

He was too sexually frustrated to deal with the scent of Edward's wet, soapy skin in the steamy bathroom or to have to endure standing outside of the shower curtain knowing full well that every inch of Ed was naked just behind it. It wasn't as if he didn't have permission to touch or to look, he knew that if he wanted to he could get into the shower with Edward…but it was a lot like torturing himself.

He never knew if his kisses and touches would be received well and be reciprocated earnestly or if Edward would gently rebuff him after a while. In the latter scenario Edward would give him a highly annoying and entirely hurtful kiss on his forehead that had become the indicator that Ed was not in the  **mood**  for sex.

Alphonse had quickly learned to  _loathe_  that kiss on his forehead in a way he never had before. It felt like he was being played with, mocked and then brushed off lightly. So when he'd resolved to wait for Edward to come to him he'd been proud of himself, sure he was deeply in love with Edward, but he still had to retain some of his dignity.

He hadn't thought much of dignity in the beginning but it had caught up with him.

Of course it wasn't his brightest idea, especially since Edward had no problem going days without sex. And when Alphonse started giving more thought to their questing years and how completely asexual Ed had been, he'd realized that waiting for the older blonde to come to him might never happen.

In the first few weeks of their newly established sexual relationship…Edward would pull away for two or three days at most, he'd look a little unwell and uncomfortable and his good night kisses would be as mollifying and discouraging as possible. But then on the fourth or so night Alphonse would find himself thoroughly sated and teeming with pleasure after a wonderful orgasm…and then again each night for the next several days to come.

Before the cycle repeated itself.

Alphonse rolled over once he heard the shower had been running steadily for a minute and he shimmied into Edward's cooling spot on the bed. He lay his head on the older blonde's pillow and smiled at a strand of golden hair left behind on the white surface. He plucked it up between his fingers and then his smile waned and he stretched his hand out, flicking his fingers so the strand fell from his fingers to the floor.

The single hair reminded him of how much of a brat he'd been recently, picking fights with Edward over every stupid thing –like hair in the drain- he could think of in order to cover up his stress and expel some of his frustration. All because things that should have been getting easier and better where steadily getting worse between them.

The sex cycle repeated itself sure enough and Alphonse had been perfectly fine to deal with it, he was fine with getting normal non-sexual affection on the days when Edward wasn't in the 'mood' but it wasn't even like that anymore. As the weeks turned into months and their lives started to become more  _normal_ , where they spent hours apart each day at University and work, Edward's avoidance happened with more frequency and for longer periods of time and even the non-sexual affection dwindled. The more time passed with Edward's volatility, the more distant and annoyed with him Alphonse became.

It was ruining everything.

And it was all because Edward was still clinging to their past and could not see them being together properly.

Edward was clinging to their brotherly relationship, after everything, he was still in denial.

And it didn't feel very good to be denied. He may not show it to Edward but Alphonse spent a fair amount of time when he was alone crying, trying not to cry or trying to distract himself with other things.

Things like University, his part time weekend job as a pharmacy assistant and the few friends he'd made, like Elizabeth. She was a good distraction, she always had a smile for him and something awkward and funny to say, Alphonse liked her, when he was with her he often forgot his problems for that time.

With that thought in mind he sat up in the bed and pushed the sheet off himself, he had breakfast plans with her that morning and he was looking forward to it. Apparently her family had a housekeeper who made amazing blueberry pancakes which Al was pretty keen on trying.

He moved over to the edge of the bed and stood up, pulling his sleeping shirt down and his boxers too. Seeing his slightly rumpled clothing reminded him of how many times he'd moved around accommodatingly after Edward had come to bed and tossed and turned constantly. Not that he'd been sleeping very well but the constant movement coupled with his strange dream had nulled his attempt at trying to sleep again.

Alphonse walked out of the bedroom and down the hall slowly, stretching along the way and when he reached the bathroom he didn't hesitate to enter. He no longer needed to knock, neither of them did.

He'd timed Ed quite well, he heard the water shut off just as he walked in so he left the door slightly open. The shower curtain was pulled back and he glanced at his older brother, forcing himself to keep his eyes on Ed's face as he smiled slightly and mumbled a morning greeting.

He heard Edward greet him as well but he was already looking away and picking up his toothbrush, trying not to think about how good Ed looked with his wet bangs clinging to his cheeks and neck along with the loose strands of hair that didn't stay up in the –too cute- loose bun he'd made in his hair. Alphonse shoved his toothbrush into his mouth and started brushing to stop himself from thinking too much about the strong line of Edward's neck, shoulders and collar bone sheened with fresh water.

He looked up via the mirror as Edward walked behind him and then he glanced at the door after the older blonde had left the bathroom, he paused in his brushing and looked at his reflection.

He looked at himself every day and nothing was ever different about him, yet he was not the same person he'd been almost a year ago. He'd been a different man from the moment he'd acknowledged his feelings for Ed in Xing.

He finished brushing his teeth after a minute then proceeded to strip his clothes off and step into the tub. Alphonse ran the water as hot as he could stand and let the spray beat down on the back of his neck while he rubbed his shoulders slowly. He didn't have a particularly stressful job and his lectures were more about absorbing knowledge he needed to mentally store than it was about trying to understand medicine from scratch, so he didn't have a hard time with it.

It was his home life that vexed him and turned his emotions over and over one another until he was physically tense.

Edward stressed him out, it was one big emotional fuck up being in a relationship with the older blonde.

 _'It's only because I'm his brother.'_  Alphonse sighed and leaned his head back so the water could soak his short hair.

It didn't take him too long to finish showering, he'd heard Edward come in at some point but hadn't said anything, when he was done he made his way to his bedroom and pulled out some clothes. A dark green button up shirt, black sleeveless sweater, black slacks and a pair of socks later he was dressed and left his room, he considered going to do his hair but he paused in the hallway when he realized he was hungry.

His breakfast plans weren't for a few hours and he figured if he ate something he'd have worked up an appetite by the time he was at Elizabeth's house. So he turned in the hall and walked to the kitchen, he spotted the torn up newspaper on the floor –courtesy of CookieBoots no doubt- from the doorway before his eyes rose to his older brother as he entered the kitchen. The smell of fresh toast, faint lemon, coffee and Edward made his tummy flutter pleasantly.

This was home, this was where he wanted to be.

He'd previously avoided kissing Edward that morning but he walked over to him right then, thanked him softly for the mug of tea held out to him before leaning in for the kiss he craved but deprived himself of stupidly.

It was only a light touching of lips but it was Edward's lips, smooth and soft…pressing against his own with medium pressure but managing to leave behind a tingle on Al's lips every time.

He turned from Edward after he pulled back from the kiss, not wanting to get caught up in his yearning since he'd seen his older brother lick his lips. Suggestive of something and yet not. He felt a light hand around his wrist and he stopped, turning back to Edward and hoping his inner sorrow wasn't visible on his face.

He'd worked very hard on concealing his sadness from Edward over the last two months and it was pretty hard, which was also part of the reason he picked fights so often.

Edward dealt with anger, irritation and exasperation a lot easier than he did with sadness when it came to Alphonse. The younger blonde would rather yell at Ed and watch him either get angry or indifferent than see him submissive and unsure of himself whenever he saw Alphonse unhappy.

It wasn't much but it was something Al could do to keep Edward happy…even if it didn't really work.

He blinked at Edward as the older blonde apologized for the night before, he'd come home with a lot of work and had only come to bed at around 4 am.

Alphonse was tired of being apologized to, whether it was Ed apologizing during their numerous arguments or about getting home late or working late at home, Al felt no relief or pleasure from hearing it.

He wasn't manipulating Edward anymore but having him apologizing all the time was not really much better and it was not gratifying in any way. It just meant that he made his older brother feel like he was walking on eggshells around him.

But what else could he do? It was either show how unhappy he was which would make Edward blame himself and be miserable too. Or he could let the older man apologize to him all the time for arguments he wasn't even responsible for or really the cause of and both of them could keep living somewhere between ok and not ok.

The second option made more sense, so Al had adopted a simple way of brushing off the apologies,

"It's fine." he said it with as little tension in his tone as possible and turned away again, pulling his hand from Edward's light grip.

He hated saying that it was fine, because it was  **not**  fine for either of them.

But he had no better options and he was tired of fighting…so tired of fighting with and  _for_  Edward.

Alphonse often asked himself if how they were now had been worth all of the shit he'd caused and how much he'd put the older blonde through.

He placed his mug down on the table and despite not feeling very hungry anymore, he took out a single slice of bread and resigned himself to eating at least something.

When he thought about their situation he realized that it was unbalanced. Aside from the fact that they were brothers and that that particular problem would  **never**  go away –not that he wanted it to because it made loving Edward so much more intense. There was the slowly clarifying fact that if they were  **emotionally**  stable they couldn't be  **physically**  intimate and vice versa.

It felt so hopeless. Which was why Alphonse still cried…when he was alone.

He placed the slice of bread onto one of the silver pull out flaps of the toaster and closed it before flicking the switch on, it would take a minute to be done so he turned his attention to the mess he'd seen on the floor when he'd walked into the kitchen. He walked over to the ripped up newspaper and crouched down to pick it up.

He wasn't surprised Edward hadn't made any effort to pick it up, CookieBoots was something they argued about a lot as well. While the older blonde loved the cat in his own way, Ed was pretty strict about where it could go and what it could do.

Which was pretty much anything it wanted as long as it wasn't doing it in Edward's bedroom.

 _'Edward's bedroom.'_ Alphonse picked up the last of the torn up newspaper pieces and sighed quietly. Even though they had a bed they shared, that bedroom would always be Edward's and his own would remain that way too. Because…if anyone ever came over and happened to look around for  _any_  reason, it was crucial they had their own rooms.

Edward had said so at the time when the new beds had been delivered and Alphonse understood the necessity.

"Al…why're you up so early? On Wednesday's your first lecture is usually at ten." He heard Edward say as he walked over to the bin in the kitchen. Al tossed the crumpled newspaper away and gave CookieBoots a small glare where he sat atop the fridge before turning around and walking back to the toaster,

"I'm having breakfast with Elizabeth before we go to campus." He knew Edward was familiar with his campus hours, being as overprotective as the older blonde was made his insistence of having a copy of Al's entire schedule almost seem reasonable.

Alphonse leaned against the counter waiting for his toast to be done, he watched Edward nod vaguely at the mention of his good friend. He'd mentioned Elizabeth often to his older brother from around the time he'd first met her and only after the first 14 times –he'd counted- that he'd talked about her did Ed make an effort to remember her name.

But even now, he didn't seem to care much and Alphonse supposed he shouldn't expect Edward to care about his friends, if Ed had any friends –besides the people they both knew- he never bothered to mention them.

Alphonse turned to the toaster as the tray popped out, he reached up and pulled a small saucer out of the cupboard before pulling the toasted slice out.

It was slightly burned which annoyed him, he sighed quietly and reached over for the margarine container and knife, getting more annoyed when he saw that Edward had left the milk out. But he didn't say anything, he didn't want to argue over milk so he quietly spread margarine over his toast and blinked slowly when Ed asked him why he was eating if he had breakfast plans.

He didn't stop to think before he answered,

"Because breakfast at her house is only at 8.30 and she lives quite far." It was the truth, Elizabeth had told him she lived far from campus and when she'd showed him on a map he'd pointed out where he lived –which was even farther from her home. She'd asked if she should give him cab money and when he'd told her she was being ridiculous she'd laughed and informed him that that was nothing new. Alphonse had smiled at her…

Alphonse left his toast for a moment to put the milk away and he frowned slightly when Edward spoke next,

"Her house?" his sounded slightly confused.

It didn't occur to Alphonse what would confuse Edward about his straightforward answer, he picked up his toast saucer and sat down at the table. Alphonse sipped his tea, intending to answer Edward afterward but the tea was lukewarm so he clapped his hands together and reheated it quickly.

He looked up from his dissipating alchemic charges to Edward's mug as it scraped lightly across the table surface toward him. Alphonse looked at him and took note of the somewhat forced and almost nervous grin his older brother was giving him. If he'd been in a mood to start a fight this would be the ideal arsenal for it, Ed's continuous disuse of his alchemy and why he didn't ever talk about it had always upset Alphonse. But the younger blonde didn't feel like making it into a big deal, even if he wanted to know the older blonde's reasons, so he just clapped his hands again and reheated Ed's coffee for him.

When he saw the slight relief on Ed's face he frowned but didn't press the issue, instead he sipped his tea and went back to their earlier conversation,

"Yes, her house, she lives with her parents in a penthouse condo on the other side of North Central." He elaborated and then bit into his toast, thinking his answer would clear up Edward's confusion on the subject.

His toast tasted bitter and it was hard and too crunchy, he almost wanted to spit it out but he forcefully swallowed it, looking at Edward as the older blonde pointed out that he didn't realize that Alphonse and Elizabeth were such good friends.

 _'Maybe if you ever listened when I talk about her you'd have known.'_  He griped inwardly and pushed his un-brushed fringe back up into his hair,

"Yeah, we get along really well and have most of our lectures together since we both intend to be surgeons in our respective fields." He said something he'd mentioned  _many_  times to Edward, wondering if this time the information would stick.

Edward knew Alphonse's own field of medicine would eventually- after studying and years of hospital residency -be neuroscience and neurosurgery coupled with his ongoing research on medicinal and biological alchemy. But he doubted his older brother even remembered Elizabeth's last name, let alone her medical aspirations.

Thinking about her chosen profession always made Alphonse nervous…someone as clumsy and with such unsteady hands should  **not**  become a vascular surgeon…or any sort of surgeon really.

He glanced at his horrible toast while thinking of ways to convince Elizabeth to go into a medical profession that did not require anything more than basic surface examinations and prescriptions…like a GP. Although her parents were both surgeons so he doubted she'd want to disappoint them, thinking of that made him mumble unthinkingly,

"She wants me to meet her parents."

"What?" Edward's asked tersely, his tone low.

Alphonse looked up from his toast at his older brother's anxious golden gaze, his mouth was in a straight line,

"What?" he responded evenly, unsure of what had made Edward look so pissed off.

He half expected to get snapped at again but when Al looked past the tone of his voice, Edward looked a little worried…Al realized the older blonde was bothered by something,

"You're uh, why does she want you to meet her parents, Alphonse?" his tone was still low but not quite as harsh anymore.

Alphonse ran his finger around the rim of his mug,

"She just asked me to breakfast saying that her parents want to meet me, when I asked why she said she'd told them about me and they suggested it." He said honestly enough.

It had been a little more awkward than that at the time, they'd been eating lunch on the campus bleachers and as she always did, she was peeling the tomato off her canteen purchased sandwich when she told him about meeting her parents. Alphonse had asked her just what Edward had asked him. 'Why do your parents want to meet me?' and Elizabeth had looked at him seriously and said 'We've been dating for months Al, don't you think it's about time?'

Alphonse was sure he'd paled and looked downright guilty and thoroughly stunned at her words, he hadn't a clue what to say to her because he was so sure he'd never given her  **that**  impression. They were just friends! He'd started to sputter something in confusion…until she'd burst out laughing and nearly dropped her unwrapped sandwich. She'd managed –after much laughter at his expense- to tell him that his expression was priceless and then she'd leaned in to elbow him and told him with an insincere apology that she was just messing with him.

He'd been annoyed and had turned a bright red as he blushed at his embarrassing reaction, she'd continued snickering and he hadn't been able to help dipping his finger into his chocolate pudding cup and smearing it onto her cheek as revenge…and she'd started laughing all over again as she pushed his hand away. That time she did drop her sandwich on the floor and while he did laugh, he also handed her his own uneaten sandwich. She'd only taken one half of and gave him back the other as she explained that her father just wanted to know who she was spending so much time with and was interested in Alphonse's medicinal alchemy.

"Are you dating her?" Edward's firm question cut through his pleasant musings like cold ice and he felt his temper flare while his heart felt like it skipped a beat, it was an  _insult_  to be asked that by the man he'd pledged his unconditional love to so shamelessly. It hurt…but it angered him more because it only solidified his theory that Edward  **still**  did not take their relationship seriously.

He felt so deeply aggravated by Edward that he didn't dignify the stupid question with an answer, he placed his mug down firmly and pushed his chair back loudly before he left the kitchen without even glancing at Ed's serious face.

In the hall as he walked toward Ed's bedroom his angry expression wavered to sad irritation and he shook his head, he opened Edward's door and didn't close it behind himself, unconcerned about CookieBoots getting in, he was too frustrated and upset to care.

He just wanted to leave the apartment, they could argue about it later.

Between his dream version of Edward professing forever to him and real Edward asking him if he was dating someone else he really didn't think he'd get through an argument without bringing up what was really bothering him.

He walked over to the full length mirror after taking a brush out of Ed's wardrobe and he brushed out his hair, it was still damp but it settled nicely enough. He glanced at Edward via the mirror when the older blonde walked into the room, stopping in the doorway and watching him. Alphonse didn't want to leave the room when Edward was so obviously blocking the way so he stayed at the mirror longer, pulling out hair gel and distracting himself by starting to style his hair.

But Edward obviously wasn't going to let it go, Alphonse stilled his hands in his hair when the older blonde repeated his question from the kitchen calmly, meaning he was twice as serious about getting an answer.

 _'He should know why, why the hell does he have to be like this?'_  Al dropped his hands to his sides and tried his best to give Edward a reproachful look to cover up his hurt,

"Screw you, Edward." He managed to say around his clenching throat as he looked away from the mirror and turned.

He tried to walk straight out of the room but his steps faltered when Edward said,

"Don't speak to me like that." in a warning tone. Alphonse was tempted to say 'Make me' but he quickly bit his tongue and huffed out an insincere apology before advancing toward the door again.

Edward stepped in his way and Alphonse clenched his fists at his sides and felt the gel squish between his fingers.

"Why won't you answer me?" the older blonde demanded and Alphonse finally let his anger hide his upset,

"Because it's a stupid fucking question!" he nearly choked on his words since he still had a lump in his throat.

"Then why the hell are you meeting her fucking parents? Don't act like you don't know what that means to girls, you're not fucking stupid." Edward yelled back at him, asking questions that Alphonse hated to admit were valid. He'd thought the same thing when she'd mentioned it to him.

But Elizabeth wasn't like that, not that Edward would understand, he rolled his eyes,

"She's my  _friend_  Edward! Just a friend." He said surely.

"Then why meet her parents so formally?"

Alphonse knew he could have tried to explain what she'd told him but it occurred to him…finally…why Edward was acting like this and his anger was marginally pacified as the possibility dawned on him.

 _'Is he…jealous?'_  Al took a deep quiet breath and as he took in Edward's tense posturing and his upset frown.

"Why do you care?" he wanted to hear it, he wanted Edward to tell him that it upset him to think that Alphonse might be with someone else. Al had never stopped wanting his monogamy returned, Edward hadn't given him any reasons since the waitress to believe the older blonde was with other people behind his back, but if he admitted he didn't want Alphonse to be with anyone else, then Al could say he wanted the same.

Then he'd be able to stop wondering whether Edward longed to be with other people…or if he was secretly.

But Edward didn't answer, a variety of emotions crossed his face however and Alphonse recognized confusion as a primary problem in his older brother. After so long Edward still didn't even know what he wanted…or rather, he had an idea but couldn't face it fully.

Alphonse realized he wasn't going to get an answer anytime soon, so he gave in for once hoping that if he wore his heart on his sleeve, Edward might respond positively,

"Edward, why are you even asking me **that** …you know how I feel about you." He sighed, stopping himself from reiterating to Edward how much he loved him and how he wanted things to be between them.

It hardly made a difference anymore. Edward gave what he could and Alphonse understood that…even though it just didn't feel like enough most of the time.

Edward mumbled that it had sounded strange and Alphonse agreed, he'd been a total idiot about it when Elizabeth had brought it up and in comparison Ed's reaction would not have been that bad if the circumstances were different.

He waited for Edward to move aside, he hoped it was over and that they would go back to their morning routine…but then Ed looked at him again seriously,

"Anyway, I didn't want to just assume anything so I had to ask. If you were dating a girl I'd expect you to tell me first, I think I deserve that much." Alphonse felt his breath leave him at the coldness of those words, "If you're friends with a girl it's a good thing too, if anyone sees you with her it'll take the focus off of you and me, it's good for appearances if people think you have a girlfriend." Edward added and he looked completely staid.

Alphonse felt a severe emptiness fill his stomach.

Edward's words shot Alphonse's hopes for an indirect confirmation of monogamy to shit…as well as hurt a whole lot of his other feelings.

 _'I guess he just wants to know when he'll be able to move on.'_  Alphonse didn't even feel like crying, he felt nothing but desolation right then. Edward stood less than a foot from him but he'd never been quite so far away.

 _'He'll always be my brother…but he'll never really be my lover, no matter what changes, he'll probably never see me the way I see him.'_  Alphonse knew, he'd been aware of it for a while now and he was quickly realizing that he could not change it. And he'd have to accept the things he could not change.

Surely, since he loved Edward enough, eventually he'd convince himself everything was fine and he could live with it,

"Okay, Edward." He said quietly and then calmly stepped around the older blonde.

Alphonse left the room with slightly weak legs and a tremble starting from the tips of his fingers slowly creeping its way through his entire body. He took several shaky short breaths as he entered the bathroom and quickly rinsed his sticky hands until the gel no longer clung to his skin.

His movements became rushed as he dried his hands off and left the bathroom, he went to his bedroom for his satchel and wallet in a hurry, having stuffed the books he needed into his bag carelessly and his watch into his pocket, he quickly put food into CookieBoots bowl and left his room again. He heard the hair dryer on in Edward's room and sighed in relief, the older blonde had given him a chance to get away unheard.

Alphonse put his bag over his shoulder as he walked to the main door, he knew Edward hated him leaving without saying goodbye or if they were fighting but he didn't care right then, he was shaking and his insides were hurting. He stepped into his black monk-strap shoes hastily and opened the door quietly, slipping out and closing it behind himself just as soundlessly.

* * *

Alphonse paid a small fortune of Cenz for the cab ride to Elizabeth's building across town. The part of North Central she lived in looked –from the outside- the same way the rest of the city did. Streets upon streets of brick and stone buildings with the occasional recreational park, scenic feature or small white stone military station to break the monotonous appearance that generally defined Central.

But when he entered the building foyer through high reaching glass doors he raised his eyebrows at the expensive décor and spacious layout. The lights were bright inside, there were highly polished gold colored marble tiles on the floor and large pillars either side of him reaching to a relatively high ceiling. He saw a large stair case leading up to two separate elevator doors to the left and to the right he saw a large reception desk across a spacious area, beyond that there was a waiting area with plush sofa's and there was even a water feature built into one of the walls on the far wall.

He'd realized Elizabeth was wealthy after knowing her for a while, she was dropped off and picked up by a chauffeur driver every day to and from campus which was a rather obvious give away. Also she'd mentioned that she was from a family of doctors which meant they were well to do. She'd eventually told him flat out that her family was 'pretty rich' and when he'd stared at her awkwardly she'd smiled at him and said it was no big deal.

Alphonse didn't think it was a big deal, he had just been surprised by her blatant statement at the time when he didn't know her as well as he did now. Personally he wouldn't say he cared much for great wealth, in the years he and Ed had been little kids their mother had taken care of them well enough and while they hadn't been smothered in luxury, they never went hungry or cold. They were able to afford school, clothes and were generally happy. Then after she died and the Rockbell's and Curtis's had taken them in it had been the same, they had what they needed and they did just fine. The years he spent in the armor he didn't really count, Edward had been making a lot of money but still he'd only lived by necessary means and never made extravagant purchases.

Al knew it had been mostly out of guilt for his own inability to enjoy anything, but Edward had been fine. Cenz had never been a problem during Ed's military days and it had not been a problem since. Alphonse wasn't any more privy to Edward's financial state now than he had been before but they lived well, still not extravagantly but very comfortably. He knew that Edward had no financial worries and that made him feel secure…and warm and thinking of it reminded him of how much he loved his older brother.

No one loved him like Edward did…but then again, Edward didn't love him in the way he wanted.

The thought made him feel ungrateful and he sighed.

He stopped staring at the water feature and he walked further into the building toward the reception desk, he smiled at the friendly personnel once he reached the desk. The receptionist handed him a book and he signed in, putting Elizabeth's top floor down in the visitors log after he signed his name.

After he was done he made his way to the stairs and up, he glanced at the only other person waiting for the elevator as he reached the top and smiled slightly, the older woman smiled back kindly.

He adjusted his satchel on his shoulder as he waited, watching the floor indicator above the elevator slowly rotate as the lift lowered to the mezzanine floor. When it finally arrived and he stepped inside…he started to feel nervous.

He knew he wasn't meeting her parents for courting purposes so he didn't understand why he was nervous, he didn't owe her parents anything but good manners and politeness, yet he was suddenly concerned with whether he was dressed well enough and what he should say when he met them. He ran his tongue over his teeth as he pressed the top floor button and the doors closed.

He glanced at the woman who'd been in the elevator with him as she got out on a different floor and once he was alone in the elevator he double checked that his shirt was neatly tucked into his pants before he straightened his pull over sweater. He felt a bit silly…and guilty….as he reached the top floor and the doors opened.

He stepped out into the entrance area of the penthouse floor and walked a few paces forward to the double doors. He frowned at the nervous butterflies he had in his stomach, he knew he shouldn't be feeling that way about meeting a friend's parents, he had no reason whatsoever to make anything less than a normal and decent impression on these people, no different than Gracia, Mustang, Hawkeye…it was all the same.

Yet it didn't feel that way…and he felt guilty because Edward's words about how a guy did not meet a girl's parents by request if they were just 'friends' replayed in his mind.

 _'But we are just friends.'_  He slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out the gold pocket watch Edward had bought him for his birthday, it was five minutes after 8 so he was not too early and not late. He took a silent breath and knocked on the door three times evenly, absently running his thumb over the raised engraving of his name on the underside of the watch before he slipped it back into his pocket and clipped the chain to the loop of his pants, wearing the watch the way Edward had always worn his State Alchemist watch.

He waited a few seconds –hands in his pockets- before the door opened and he smiled at the thin, middle aged woman who stood before him, she wore a housekeeper uniform, a black dress with a white collar and sleeves, black stockings and flat black shoes.

"Are you Mr. Elric, the guest Miss Elizabeth is expecting?" she asked formally.

Alphonse nodded,

"Yes, ma'am." He kept smiling even though she didn't smile at him.

"Come in." she stepped aside, opening the door fully for him to enter.

Alphonse nodded and said a polite 'thank you' before he stepped inside and she took his satchel from him, putting it into a hall closet. He tried not to look around too much as he followed the housekeeper down the hall, he didn't want to seem like a gawking fool. Still, he did take in as much of the beautiful home as possible.

The pristine white walls, paintings, décor, tiles and wallpaper, they passed a few closed doors in the hall before they entered an open living room space with large plush sofas, a fireplace and large windows. Alphonse glanced around and he couldn't help smiling at the white grand piano at the corner of the large room.

"If you'll wait a moment I'll fetch Miss Elizabeth." The housekeeper said stiffly and Alphonse just nodded and remained standing at the junction of the hall and sunlight lit living room.

He'd always wanted to learn to play a classical instrument, in Xing he'd learned to play a few of their instruments and while they made serene music, it lacked substance for him. He'd long ago been interested in learning to play the piano…there was something daunting and beautiful about the emotions one could provoke with a few well played keys. He knew Edward could play guitar relatively well, or at least he had been able to, he never ever did anymore. He'd taught himself on Winry's dad's guitar when they were still kids, only because Winry had said he was too small to play the guitar properly…which Edward had loathed hearing and promptly proved wrong. He'd only showed Alphonse one time that he could play and it had been a short but steady tune.

Edward had been 9 at the time, Alphonse had been 8…a few weeks later they'd met Izumi Curtis and since then his older brother had never touched a guitar again.

He sighed and tried not to think about what had happened with Edward just an hour earlier, he hated leaving angry just as much as his older brother did but sometimes it was just easier to run.

"Morning, Alphonse."

Alphonse pulled his gaze away from the large windows, he hadn't even realized he'd been staring at them, and he turned to look at Elizabeth. He smiled and she was smiling too as she approached, when she was close enough to him she reached out and pinched at the sleeve of his shirt,

"We'd look great if we were going to a high school dance together." She bobbed her eyebrows.

Alphonse frowned at her and glanced from himself to her, realizing then that she was wearing the same colors as he was. She wore a loose fitting dark green –the same as his shirt- cuffed blouse with black suit pants, a black loose scarf as a neck tie and black closed heels.

"True, I think all we'd need is a matching corsage for you." He joked and she smiled,

"And we'd have to be  **a lot**  younger…do you remember your graduation dance? I remembermine." she looked highly amused, her green eyes, outlined with dark eyeliner, were lit with humor as she grinned, "I wore an awful peach dress and I spilled punch on my date in the first half hour, can you believe that?" she tucked one side of her hair behind her ear as she grinned.

Alphonse raised his eyebrows,

"Yes I can actually, you spilled grape juice on me the first week we knew each other." He reminded her with a teasing smile, avoiding her question about high school. She snickered,

"That was funny though…" she pointed out with a smile.

"I remember you laughing, I wasn't." he raised an eyebrow.

"Well you laughed when I walked into the door that one time."

" _One_  time?" he asked in an amused questioning tone.

She smacked Alphonse on the arm lightly and he chuckled at her, she was trying not to laugh as well at her own clumsiness.

"Purple is a good color on you though, the grape juice really highlighted how red your face was." She mumbled with a smirk and looked at him thoughtfully.

Alphonse smirked,

"The same goes for you, the bruise you had on your forehead was rather fetching." He teased back.

She weakly glared at him and then frowned while smiling,

"What happened to your hair?"

He frowned at her,

"What do you mean, are you being serious?" he raised his hand to touch his hair but stopped as she gestured for him to follow her to a mirror between two paintings on the wall.

He walked up to it and stared at his half styled hair for a moment, it was sticking up oddly and looking quite a mess. The state of it reminded him that he'd stopped in the middle of doing his hair and rushed out of the apartment…because of Edward.

"Were you in a hurry?" she was trying not to make fun of him but couldn't help looking amused.

He quickly tried to rearrange his hair into a less untidy look,

"Kind of." He answered, feeling his mood dip at the thought of his fight with Edward.

"It didn't look bad or anything, it just looked like you rolled out of bed and forgot to brush it…" she watched him and then she smirked at him via the mirror, "…is that what you look like after sex?" she whispered with a teasing smirk.

Alphonse couldn't stop himself from blushing as he glared at her,

"Wouldn't you love to know." He mumbled, not taking her seriously and she giggled.

After some rearranging he finally had his hair looking more like it usually did when un-styled and he glanced at her for approval. She nodded,

"Very unsexy." She gave him a thumbs up.

"Good." He said surely, this sort of banter between them was normal, although it had taken Alphonse a while to get used to it in the beginning. He glanced at his hands sticky with gel residue, "I need to wash my hands."

She gestured for him to follow her as she walked toward an archway leading further into the penthouse, he walked beside her through a dining room and passed another closed door before she turned into a bathroom.

Alphonse noticed that the bathroom was almost as big as his bedroom and he blinked a few times before he stepped up to the double basins of the guest bathroom and opened the taps.

"Where are your parents?" he asked as he used some of the liquid soap in a dispenser to wash his hands and glanced at her. She leaned against the counter beside him,

"Dad's in his study and my mother is still getting ready for breakfast." She rolled her eyes and pushed her hair back from her face, her elbow knocking over a large bottle of hand lotion onto the floor in the process.

She picked it up with a 'aw crap' expression on her face and Alphonse just shook his head, smiling as he closed the taps and dried his hands on the available hand towel.

"You should tie your hair back, it's always getting in your way." he said absently, taking his pocket watch out to check the time.

It was a few minutes before 8.30 and he wasn't feeling so nervous or tense anymore, Elizabeth tended to make him feel like he stressed too much and so he strived to relax around her. She was amazingly blithe and it made him envious of her in some ways, he wished he could keep her around to absorb her positive energy more often.

"It's too much trouble to tie up." She complained as she ran her fingers through her thick, straight black hair.

Alphonse put his watch back in his pocket and gave her a dull look,

"How is making a ponytail or braid more trouble than it always getting in your face?" He asked matter of factly.

She frowned,

"It is, you don't know, you have short hair."

Alphonse blinked slowly as he watched her bring her hair over her shoulder and run her slender, pale fingers through it, twirling the end of her gathered hair.

But he wasn't thinking of her,

"My brother has long hair, it's longer than yours actually. He never leaves his hair open because he says it's a hassle, he can braid it in his sleep…" he smiled slightly, thinking of how effortlessly Edward handled his long silky blonde hair.

Alphonse loved slipping his fingers into Edward's hair on the rare occasion it would partially unravel during sex, the way the strands clung to Ed's sweaty skin and tickled his own flesh when the older man was kissing him anywhere on his body never failed to stir up his arousal.

He knew he wasn't blushing but he cut his thoughts off before he did start to, she turned to look at him directly and not via the mirror, resting her hip against the bathroom counter again,

"You talk about your brother a lot but you've never mentioned that he has long hair…" she ran her fingers through her hair again, "…you can braid hair right Al, will you do it for me?" she pointed the ends of her gathered hair at him.

Alphonse raised his eyebrows at her request… so many times he'd wanted to braid Edward's hair for him but catching Ed with his hair open was almost impossible,

"Yeah sure I cou-…"

"Miss Elizabeth?" the housekeeper popped her head into the guest bathroom through the open door, "Your parents are waiting for you and your guest in the dining room." She said stiffly.

Elizabeth nodded,

"Thank you, Erica." She smiled.

When the housekeeper popped back out Elizabeth rolled her eyes so she looked cock-eyed before she looked at him again,

"Everything has to be a formal announcement, sometimes I like to yell across the penthouse just to annoy my mother and father." She grinned and slipped her arm into his, pulling him from the bathroom with her.

"You said your parents both passed away right?" she asked quietly. Alphonse could smell her expensive perfume when she was so close and it was pleasant, he realized he'd become used the fragrance. He nodded as they walked toward the dining room, "Well, don't think I'm ungrateful to my parents or anything, it's just sometimes it'd be nice to not live by a schedule." She sighed and nearly tripped over her own feet when her heel slipped.

Alphonse helped her get her balance and they both stifled their laughter as they walked into the dining area, she slipped her arm out of his as they approached the table. Al smiled at her parents as they stood up to greet him, both of them had her coloring, black hair, fair skin and light eyes. Her father was noticeably taller than Alphonse whereas her mother was the same height as Elizabeth, both of them were dressed up for breakfast and he was glad he wasn't wearing jeans and boots. Her mother was thin and her father looked like he had the potential to gain a little weight around his mid-section and under his chin.

Over all she resembled her mother, thin build, sharp features and deep green eyes.

Alphonse shook her father's hand firmly and then clasped her mother's hand as if to shake but with a far lighter grip and he nodded with a polite smile,

"Mr. and Mrs. Dunn, I'm Alphonse, it's a pleasure to meet you." He stood up straight after releasing Mrs. Dunn's hand, he knew people were always impressed with his politeness but her parents didn't seem interested in his manners. Her mother was sizing him up with a small smile and her father was doing the same only with a frown. Elizabeth looked amused by it,

"Daddy, stop looking at Alphonse like that." She held Alphonse's upper arm and gestured to the chairs in front of them, across from her mother and adjacent to her father at the head of the table.

The older man finally took his eyes off of Alphonse and looked at his daughter,

"I'm just having a good look, this is the first boy you've brought home, Elizabeth."

Alphonse felt panic rise at the older man's words but Elizabeth just laughed as she sat down,

"I told you already, Alphonse is  **not**  my boyfriend." She tugged on Al's shirt sleeve and gestured to the seat next to her.

Alphonse saw that both ladies were sitting so he moved to sit and her father did as well,

"Yes, sir. Elizabeth and I are friends." He agreed readily, trying not to smile too nervously.

"A woman doesn't talk quite so  _fondly_  of a man who is  _just_  a friend." Her mother smiled teasingly at the both of them, "And especially a young man as handsome as this." She looked at Alphonse and he blushed and lowered his eyes awkwardly.

"Yes, as I recall from my courting days, women always did like polite and well-kept, career men." Her father grumbled and gave Alphonse another stern once over.

 _'This can't be good.'_  Alphonse thought immediately and wished his face would cool down.

Elizabeth didn't seem fazed, she just poured herself some fruit juice and shook her head at her parents,

"He's not my boyfriend, we're just really good friends. Stop making him feel so uncomfortable." She admonished mildly, messing margarine on her fingers when she looked up from buttering her scone and she frowned.

Alphonse handed her the napkin next to her breakfast plate and she smiled, just about to push her hair behind her ear with her buttery fingers and he quickly caught her hand before she did.

She blinked at her mistake and then laughed as she took the offered napkin, Alphonse smiled at her ever present clumsiness and when he looked back to her parents he started to blush all over again.

Her mother was smiling as if she'd just been proven right and her father was still frowning, but much less.

He lowered his gaze to the table and reached for a scone to distract himself from the silence and stares directed at him, he cut his scone in half and had just smeared some strawberry jam onto it–everyone else was doing likewise- when Mr. Dunn spoke,

"So Alphonse…Elric is your last name Elizabeth tells us."

Alphonse looked up from his scone,

"Yes, sir. It is." He answered evenly, glancing at Elizabeth when she placed a glass of apple juice next to his hand, she knew he didn't like orange juice, "Thanks." He smiled and she nodded, tucking her hair behind her ears with butter-less fingers.

"And she says you're an alchemist," he went on, "so it can be assumed then that you are related to Edward Elric?" he asked after sipping his coffee.

Before Alphonse could answer Elizabeth raised her eyebrows,

"Daddy, you know his brother?"

Alphonse had never said who his brother was –namely the former Fullmetal Alchemist-, he always just said 'my brother' or 'Edward' so he knew there was no way she could have said anything to her parents or known anything.

She hadn't even recognized his last name in the time he'd known her but her father obviously did.

"He's your brother?" the older man raised his eyebrows.

Alphonse nodded and picked up his glass, feeling a little unsure of the topic of conversation,

"Yes, Edward Elric is my brother, do you know him sir?" He repeated Elizabeth's question, knowing that could be both a good or bad thing depending on who he was dealing with, Edward had been loved as much as he was hated.

"No no, I've never met him but I've always been a bit of an alchemy enthusiast." Her father explained, "I don't practice but I enjoy reading about it. I've encountered many an alchemist in my years and read a lot of research and for every alchemy researcher and practicing alchemist alike, your brother's published works and advanced discoveries in the field of alchemy were nothing short of impressive and well respected." He actually managed to smile now, "And envied." He added.

Elizabeth seemed confused,

"Your brother is also an alchemist?" she asked and licked some jam off her lips.

Alphonse didn't sense any hostility so he smiled, he had always thought Edward was an amazing alchemist, better than any before himself and possibly the best for years to come,

"Yes, my brother was a famous alchemist when he was still in the military." He told her and she blinked.

"I doubt Elizabeth has heard of the Fullmetal Alchemist, she's never been interested in alchemy." Mr. Dunn explained, "And you being his brother, that means you are the other half of the equally well known 'Elric Brothers' then?" he sounded impressed.

Alphonse nodded with a smile, about to answer when Elizabeth grumbled,

"Well that's not entirely true, I just don't really understand alchemy." She frowned lightly.

"That's an excuse, you're an intelligent girl but you're very lazy." Her father said as he dished some eggs onto his plate, his eyebrows raised slightly.

Alphonse swallowed his mouthful of scone, glancing at Elizabeth who looked at him and made her eyes cockeyed again, he tried not to laugh as he sipped his juice.

"I'd like to talk alchemy with you sometime Alphonse, seeing as you're a doctor and a well-known alchemist I think we could share some good theories." The older man sounded serious, but his tone was friendlier.

Alphonse could almost see Edward scoffing and saying something like 'That old man's got nothing on you, don't you dare show him your research, Al. He'll probably try to rip off your genius.' After he thought about it he realized Edward had actually said that to him before, when they were still teenagers and a researcher on one of Ed's missions had wanted to share information with Alphonse.

He'd agreed with his brother at the time and he agreed with his memory of the advice right then.

"I'm sorry sir, but an alchemist never shares his alchemic theories." He said as politely as possible.

To his surprise the man smiled broadly and nodded,

"I expected you would say that, many alchemists have turned me down with the same line." He chuckled good naturedly, "You alchemists are something else." He patted Alphonse on the shoulder and any tension the younger blonde felt left him as he smiled at Mr. Dunn.

He felt like he'd just received approval of some sort and it was weird to feel happy about it.

"I suppose your brother would say the same thing." Mr. Dunn added after a mouthful of eggs.

Alphonse raised his eyebrows,

"Most definitely, Edward's written research encryptions alone are impossible to crack, so there's no way he'll just discuss it with anyone."  _'And he would never say it as nicely as I just did._ ' Alphonse didn't smile too much, hiding his amusement at the thought of Edward laughing at Elizabeth's father for even suggesting such a thing.

The older man nodded regretfully and then turned his questioning to medicine, asking about things Alphonse could discuss and Elizabeth and her mother were able to talk about as well. Conversation came easily for the duration of breakfast and Alphonse knew that her parents were impressed with him very quickly for the fact that he knew as much as he did about medicine without even having been studying for very long.

They asked why he started so late and he told them he'd been researching alchemy in Xing, being as vague as possible. He already knew that Elizabeth had put off med school because she wasn't sure she wanted to be a doctor and so she'd also started late…it was part of the reason Alphonse felt she should reconsider her career choice and do something she really wanted to.

But she didn't often discuss that.

When breakfast was over and Alphonse had eaten quite a few blueberry pancakes, it was just after 9 am. Her parents both had to leave and they were pleasant as they said goodbye to him, Alphonse thanked them for inviting him to breakfast and said he'd love to come again when they offered.

Once they left Elizabeth placed her hands on her hips and nodded once firmly,

"Well, now I know that they'll let me marry you and have your babies." She tilted her head, "I want two girls."

Alphonse was relaxed by this point and after hearing her deny any truth of him being a boyfriend to her parents he took her jokes a lot less seriously,

"Well, what if I want a boy?"

She sighed exaggeratedly,

"I could probably have three kids, but my figure would be completely ruined." She pouted.

Alphonse chuckled, his eyes trailing over her thin body absently,

"Do you want children?" he asked her seriously as the thought occurred to him…that he would never have kids.

They walked into the living room from the hall where they'd said good bye to her parents,

"Of course, can you imagine our babies, they'd be gorgeous." She said completely seriously as she sat down on the double sofa.

Alphonse sat down in the seat next to her,

"Seriously." He looked at her.

She blinked her dark lashes slowly and bit her lip thoughtfully when she realized he wasn't joking anymore,

"Yeah, I think…maybe just one though. I don't know yet if I'd be any good as a mother." She admitted and crossed her legs, "And you?" she returned the serious question.

Alphonse was sitting forward, elbows on his knees and he glanced back at her,

"…yeah I do." He admitted to her and himself.

It was a serious thing to consider and he never had…but when he gave it proper thought he liked the idea of having a son. His current chosen path would mean he'd never have a kid and while he loved Edward enough to live without having a child, as unhappy as things were between them right then, he was able to look at their situation with some objectivity.

 _'What if Edward wants kids, too?'_  the thought left him cold. He immediately thought of Winry and the time she'd told him that she definitely wanted children someday, more than two, more than three…she'd been excited just talking about it.

And then he thought of the fact that Edward had been willing to marry her…

_'He must have known she wanted a lot of kids…so he probably did t-…'_

"Alphonse, are you okay?" Elizabeth's soft concerned voice cut through his thoughts.

He looked at her, she was sitting forward as well and had her head tilted, peering into his face with a light frown. He smiled at her and nodded, ignoring the pain in his chest and trailing his eyes over her long black hair dangling onto her knees,

"I'm fine…do you still want me to braid your hair?" he changed the subject.

She blinked and sat up,

"Oh yeah, I forgot." She smiled and turned to sit so her back was facing him on the sofa while she gathered her hair and pushed it back over her shoulders, "Do you need a comb or anything?" she asked.

Alphonse thought about it,

"Not if you let me use alchemy."

She looked at him over her shoulder,

"On my hair? You won't fry my brain or anything will you?" she gave him a mock serious glare.

Alphonse laughed softly,

"Don't be stupid Elizabeth, turn around." He told her gently.

She turned around to face away again and he ran his fingers through her hair as he gathered it at the nape of her neck, his fingers caught a few tangles and his knuckles brushed her shoulders and the back of her neck lightly. Alphonse let the hair lay along her back,

"Don't tell anyone how I do alchemy okay, Elizabeth?" he asked quietly, not wanting her to mention to her father that he doesn't use a circle because the older man would no doubt ask  _how_  which he'd prefer to avoid.

She was still for a moment and then she nodded. Alphonse clapped his hands together before smoothing his hands over her hair from the top downward. Automatically he comprehended the construction of each hair strand, the medulla, the cortex and the cuticle and then he applied just the right amount of heat to break down the salt bonds that caused the tangles and slight waves in her hair, deconstructing each hitch to smooth the hair out.

She'd tensed when the alchemic energy had started but by the time he was at the ends of her hair she was relaxed again,

"There…no tangles." He smiled and watched her reach her hand back and run her fingers through her smooth hair,

"That's pretty nifty…my head feels warm." She grinned at him over her shoulder.

He nodded and then ran his fingers through her hair again, separating three sections before he started to braid it,

"Heat breaks down the bonds that kink hair." He said as a vague explanation.

Edward used to do it to his own hair all the time before Alphonse's restoration…now he used a hair dryer and a comb. And it bothered the younger blonde because sometimes it  **honestly**  seemed like Edward just  _couldn't_  –not wouldn't- but could not use alchemy anymore.

"You just clap your hands, no drawing circles?" she asked quietly and he realized he was frowning as he braided.

"Yeah…" he said absently, remembering that Edward had said he sacrificed his alchemic knowledge to restore his body. ' _But he was a damn good alchemist even before the Gate showed him the truth…'_  he started to frown again.

"How come, I thought alchemy had all these weird rules to follow?"

Alphonse slowed his fingers in braiding,

"It's a secret family talent." He mumbled, thinking of how many years had passed since he'd seen his brother grin devilishly as the vibrant surge of alchemic energy surrounded him and raised the veins in his arms.

He'd always looked so beautiful…Alphonse knew Edward loved alchemy…so why?

Elizabeth didn't say anything else but she nodded again.

He turned his attention back to her to avoid his mood plummeting, his eyes trailed down along her braid slowly.

Her hair was soft and she smelled nice, he could feel the soft material of her blouse against his knuckles and the back of his hands and as he braided lower. His eyes drifted down to where her blouse met the waist of her pants and he was able to see a sliver of her pale lower back skin between the two hems.

Alphonse blinked slowly and sighed quietly as he finished the end of her braid…Elizabeth was the sort of girl he should easily be able to fall for…yet he didn't see her like that.

 _'It's because I love Edward, I've never even looked at her in that way.'_  He admitted to himself,

"I don't have anything to tie the end with." he said softly.

"Oh, okay, I'll just go and get an elastic band…if I can find one." She added with a short laugh, he held the end of the braid out for her and she pinched it between her fingers before standing up and walking across the living room, disappearing through the arch.

He watched her leave and then sighed and pursed his lips, every part of him wanted and loved Edward…but the more distant they became the more he questioned whether it was fair to hope his older brother would eventually feel the same.

"It's wishful thinking." He said quietly to himself as he sat back on the sofa.

But Alphonse didn't want to lose hope…not yet, he still had enough strength in him to hang on for a while longer.

"I found an elastic band." Elizabeth came back through the arch and tossed her braid over her shoulder before doing a half turn to show him, it only reached between her shoulders. Alphonse smiled at her, he was going to say that it suited her but a dog trotted out from the archway behind her.

It was, the first word Al thought of, adorable.

Its fur was a multitude of different rich browns, it had curly silky fur that undoubtedly covered every inch of its body but could not be seen since it wore a little white knitted doggy vest and it was small,

"You have a puppy?" Alphonse immediately sat forward and made soft calling sounds to the dog.

Elizabeth laughed,

"He's not a puppy, he's a full grown dog. The breed is just small, he's a Maltese Poodle." He didn't look at her as she spoke because the little dog had trotted over and he was petting it with a grin on his face, he loved animals,

"I've heard of Maltese but I've never seen one before. He's even wearing a little jersey." He glanced at her with a beaming smile before looking back to the cute pet.

"Yes, made with love, I knitted it myself." She boasted as she walked over.

"That explains why the knit work is so awful." He teased in an audible mumble and chuckled when she grabbed a sofa cushion and hit him on his shoulder with it, "I'm kidding…it's only a little bad." He said and laughed again as she hit him over the head that time, laughing as well,

"It took me two weeks to knit that jersey mister, take that back." she sat down next to him, shoving him lightly with the cushion as she did so.

Alphonse watched the doggy jump onto the sofa next to her with a small yap and he smiled at it and then her, holding his breath when he realized her face was close to his,

"What's his name?" he said the first thing that popped into his head, averting his gaze somewhat obviously down to the floor,

"Toby." He could hear the smile in her voice. "You ready to go Al? My driver should be waiting downstairs." He looked at her again when she stood up, there was a lingering smile on her face as she slipped her hands into her suit pants pockets and turned back to look at him after glancing at the wall clock.

He nodded with a returning smile,

"Yeah, let's see if we can get through the day without you injuring yourself…or me." he stood up and grinned at her.

"I only injured you once and your toe wasn't even broken." She almost laughed as she started walking toward the entrance hall backwards.

Alphonse shook his head and watched her carefully in case she fell, she was just that ungainly,

"You're hopeless." He said fondly as he reached out and took her by the shoulders, turning her around as they walked into the hall.

"Maybe so, but you're worse for putting up with me in the first place." she responded and leaned her head back slightly, winking at him. He sighed with exaggeration and nodded,

"I concede, I have no argument to that."

She smiled as she pulled the hall closet door open and they retrieved their bags before leaving the condo.

* * *

Alphonse's day had turned out to be pretty good considering the way his morning had started.

Once he and Elizabeth had arrived at campus everything had gone as it usually did, they had a few lectures together and others separately. Alphonse knew a few guys he considered friends and Elizabeth had other friends too but they somehow always managed to find each other at some point in their day to talk.

Their conversations were usually about random things they would joke about, sometimes they'd compare class notes and Elizabeth would complain that his ability to remember everything from a lecture was disturbing and unfair. But that afternoon when they'd met up and walked through the campus grounds together to leave Elizabeth had mentioned that she'd like to meet Edward.

Presently Alphonse was finishing up the laundry, he pulled the last T shirt out of the clothes dryer in the building's laundry room and he placed it on the available folding table with a sigh. He didn't know if introducing Elizabeth to Edward was a good idea, especially after what had happened that morning. He clapped his hands together and placed them on the shirt, easily smoothing out the few creases from the tumble dryer before he folded it up and placed it in the basket with the rest of the clean washing.

He'd come home as he usually did on a Wednesday and even though it was Edward's night for dishes he'd washed the cups and saucers…because he was bored…

…and feeling bad about telling Elizabeth that she could come over for dinner tomorrow night if she was able to.

She'd readily agreed and Alphonse had even said he'd cook for her…and so he'd decided to do all the laundry as well…because he felt guilty and he was worried about his decision.

He didn't know how Edward would react when he told him but he assumed his older brother would behave nicely to her, as nicely as Ed could anyway, the same way Al had been civil with Winry and at the New Year's party.

But then again Edward was never all that civil, it was just the way he was…

 _'Maybe I shouldn't tell him…'_  he thought as he carried the basket of clean washing out of the laundry room and walked to the elevator.

But he knew it'd be a bad idea to let Edward come home and find her there without forewarning, still he wasn't sure how to bring it up after the argument they'd had that morning.

Alphonse was grateful that the lift came quickly so he didn't wait too long and it was empty, he stepped inside and pressed his floor number and leaned against the elevator walls with the basket in his hands as it ascended,

"I'll just wait and see what kind of mood he's in after this morning." He said to himself softly.

He focused on the sound of the elevator as it climbed upward and when it came to his stop he stepped out and walked along the corridor past all of the other floor occupant's apartments until he came to theirs. He leaned the basket on his left hip and pulled his keys out of his pocket to unlock the door…but it was already open.

 _'Edward's home.'_  He felt the usual high and low rush through him at the acknowledgment.

It was always the same, he would go the entire day missing Edward if not consciously then subconsciously and when Ed came home he'd feel light butterflies and warmth in his stomach, which he recognized pathetically as longing…before it was washed out by the reality that he'd probably spend the night in bed alone again.

He opened the door and stepped inside, quickly irritated by the fact that he had to step over Edward's boots left in the doorway, he counted himself lucky that he had the good sense to look down or he'd have been flat on his face with a heap of clothes right then.

He shut the door and locked it with a sharp exhale and then turned and stepped into the hall just when Edward stepped out of the kitchen…and the first thing Alphonse noticed was the five rolls of blueprints Ed was holding, much like he had been the day before when he came home and then said he'd be working all night.

Alphonse was disappointed that he was right…another night of Edward not coming to bed, not even just to sleep next to him. He walked forward steadily and was pleased that Ed stepped aside for him to pass,

"Pick up your boots, Edward." He said curtly, willing to argue now that he felt depressed and let down yet again.

He walked into his bedroom and straight over to his wardrobes, pulling the door and drawers open roughly in his frustration before he started packing his clothes inside.

 _'Maybe I should give him what he wants, maybe he'd be happier if I…let him go.'_  Alphonse swallowed the lump in his throat and pressed his shirts neatly down into his drawer, trying to remain composed.

He counted steadily to ten and then continued packing clothes away, sure that he was past the point of crying.

"I bought you dinner, Al." Edward's voice was –typically- apologetic and gentle.

Alphonse hadn't noticed him come into the bedroom but he wasn't startled by it,

"Thanks." He said evenly, the older blonde often bought dinner on nights when he didn't want to cook or it was Alphonse's turn to.

"Thanks for doing the laundry." Edward said in the same tone.

Alphonse felt bad, reminded that he should probably mention to the older blonde that Elizabeth would be visiting them tomorrow night.

Besides Mustang and Winry, nobody they knew personally had been in their apartment.

"You're welcome." He said automatically to Edward's thanks.

He continued to pack away clothing, fully aware that Edward just stood there, not too far away but not very close. After Alphonse had packed his last item of clothing away he started to refold some less than tidy clothes, hoping Ed would leave him alone soon so he could deal with his irritation by himself.

But Edward did the opposite, out of his peripheral Alphonse noticed the older blonde walk over to him and when he came to stand behind Al –close enough that he could feel Edward's body heat- he swallowed thickly, unsure of what his older brother was doing.

He'd been folding over a T shirt but he let it settle in the drawer when Edward's arms slipped around his waist. Alphonse's stomach fluttered pleasantly because he could feel Ed's chest against his back and his pelvis against his backside. He looked down at the floor when Ed pressed a kiss to his neck and then he closed his eyes at the next few that followed, he could feel his skin tingling and warmth rising to his face with every gentle kiss. He didn't know why his older brother was doing this to him but it was terribly tempting to revert to his old ways and just ask Edward to take him to bed.

He hadn't asked for sex in so long…maybe Edward would say ok?

 _'I'm so pathetic.'_  He thought miserably and steeled his will, he moved to turn around in Ed's arms and the older blonde loosened but never removed his arms.

When he was face to face with Edward he just felt weaker with want, the older blonde smiled at him, his handsome face framed by his rich golden hair always highlighted how attractive he was…along with the warmth and love reflected in his eyes…brotherly or romantic, it was love. And he could feel Ed's warm breath against his lips at how close they were, he let his eyes lower from Edward's steady gaze to the older blonde's slightly parted lips and a moment later Edward kissed him firmly and pulled their bodies together.

He was instantly aware of Edward's every muscle beneath his clothes and flashes of Ed naked and fucking him, traitorously rushed into his mind, making him even less sure of his resolve. He pulled back from the lip to lip kiss but had no time to say anything because Edward licked his lips and kissed him again.

The soft, wet touch of lips coupled with Edward's scent and the firmness of his body made Alphonse frown uncertainly, when their lips eased apart again, the next kiss was initiated by him as he kissed Edward back, pressing forward and letting out a slow exhale through his nose.

It had been ten days since Edward showed  _any_  sexual interest in him…he felt pathetic but he gave in and parted his lips for his older brother's tongue.

Edward's kiss was as wonderful as ever, his tongue was slick and skilled, playful and inciting, his teeth nipped softly and sensually between kisses, wetting and tasting and Alphonse was tingling all over in no time. Heat pooled in his groin and settled in his other private places as all of his sexual frustration started to surface.

He started to kiss Edward back firmly, running his fingers through his older brother's silky bangs and savoring the feeling of Ed's tongue swirling around his own…gently at first and then rougher as it progressed.

Alphonse's breath hitched as he was kissed somewhat demandingly, he felt Edward's hands caress his back firmly and then slip down. Some part of him wanted Edward to go lower and grope him but that thought raised the question of how far Ed would go…and that question reminded Alphonse of the blueprints the older blonde had brought home with him.

He was confused enough already by the skilled tongue sliding along his own, so when Edward's hand slipped under his shirt he realized he needed to stop and find out if this was going anywhere or if it would end with a kiss on his forehead.

He pulled out of the kiss and opened his eyes, the sight of Edward licking his lips and looking into his face with half lidded eyes almost made Alphonse lean back in but he forced himself not to walk away from this moment feeling foolish and weak,

"Don't do this Edward. I saw all of that work you brought home with you." he started, figuring that if he were wrong Edward would say so. But Edward just stared at him, any desire in his eyes was already starting to fade and Alphonse knew he had his answer, "We both know you're not going to be in bed tonight…so don't get my hopes up." He said it quietly and hated how soft and feeble he sounded.

Edward let him go and too soon the warmth of the older man's body was no longer pressed against him…he shivered slightly but not noticeably. Edward really had no clue what he did to Alphonse.

"Sorry, Al." Edward said.

"It's fine." Alphonse responded in the way he'd become accustomed to and leaned down to pick up the basket and finish his chore.

He paused when Edward took the basket and offered to finish putting the clothes away, Alphonse remembered then that Ed had brought him dinner when the older blonde mentioned that Al should eat. He double checked that Edward would pack the clothes away properly and then smiled at the older blonde before leaving the bedroom, he still tried to smile when he could because he knew it made Ed happy…or at least feel better, if not happy.

He shook his head and tried to ignore the tingling in his lips and the lingering heat in his body as he walked down the hall. His eyes fell on the white packet on the table when he walked into the kitchen, he walked over to the table and reached into the packet to take out the plastic container. Alphonse sighed and considered the closed container for a moment, he wasn't really hungry, between the decadent breakfast and the late campus lunch he'd had in the canteen he'd eaten quite enough for the day.

Sometimes he worried that he'd get fat since he was not very physically active.

_'Edward and I don't even train enough anymore.'_

It annoyed Alphonse that they hardly had time to have combative practice on a regular basis but at the very least they went running every Saturday and Sunday morning for more than an hour, whether or not things were good or bad between them. By 5.30 they would routinely leave the apartment and head to the park at an even paced jog.

On some days they'd do stretches and exercises in the park instead of running, very rarely did they spar but sometimes Edward would show off his flexibility with aerial flips, backflips and front flips at every angle he could, since it was good exercise. Alphonse admired him for how easily he could twist his body in the air and throw himself around…Al himself was not quite sure he wouldn't die if he landed incorrectly so he stuck to the less frightening flips.

Edward didn't encourage him either, the older blonde was paranoid about Alphonse even spraining something, let alone possibly breaking a bone. The younger blonde would have been stubborn and complained if he didn't know that Ed's abilities were years in the making, he'd started young and light and every physical movement he made was fuelled by confidence.

Alphonse opened the plastic container as he thought about what might happen if he attempted a triple aerial flip without full confidence in his ability…he was saved from imagining a painful instant death by broken spine or neck when he noticed the food.

Like his older brother, he had a healthy appetite for meat and he was suddenly quite hungry. He placed the container down and clapped his hands – taking advantage of his alchemy in a way their teacher would scold him for- and heated his food.

He was just moving around the table to sit down when he realized Edward was in the doorway, he looked up at the older blonde, knowing without asking that the clothes probably had been stuffed hastily into his wardrobe with how quickly he was done but Al didn't say anything about it,

"This is different than what you usually buy Ed, it's usually pasta, pizza or spicy rice and chicken." He said instead as he grabbed a knife and fork and then sat down in the nearest chair.

He was looking over the food just about to tuck in when Edward said he'd taken Mustang to lunch. Alphonse blinked down at his meal, he took a quiet breath and shook off the weird paranoid feeling he got at the thought of the attractive older man and how 'friendly', if he could call it that, he'd noticed Ed was with him.

 _'Mustang is the straightest man in Amestris…'_  he told himself surely and started to cut into his meat,

"You took him to lunch? As in you  **paid**  for the food…that's almost impossible to imagine, Ed." He tried to keep his voice light, not letting his irritated emotional state seep into his voice.

Alphonse stuck his fork into the cube of meat he'd cut and started to raise it to his mouth when Edward's silence caught up with him. He glanced up and closed his mouth with his forkful centimeters from his mouth as he looked at Edward's back, the older blonde was holding a bottle of soda and was staring into the fridge.

 _'I wonder what he's thinking about…?'_  Alphonse would have loved to know but asking would not get him a straight answer. Edward was pretty open with him about everything and he could insist, but he was dealing with his own emotional secrets and didn't think it'd be fair to force his older brother to share whatever was troubling him, not right then when there was unspoken tension between them.

"Ed, are you listening?" he said instead, voicing the question purely for the sake of bringing Edward out of his distant thoughts. Sure enough the older man stiffened for a second before relaxing and turning to face him, pushing the fridge door closed and smiling with as much ease as possible,

"Sorry Al, I missed that."

 _'I noticed.'_  Alphonse dropped his eyes to his food again,

"I just asked if by saying you took him to lunch, you meant that you footed the bill." he opted to not repeat his weak attempt at humor and he finally ate the meat off the fork and chewed slowly, savoring the taste.

There was another moment of quiet from Edward but it wasn't a distracted one, just the normal sort, Alphonse listened to the cupboards opening and closing before the older blonde answered.

He sounded a little forcefully cheerful as he said he'd even paid for the General's dessert.

Alphonse watched him fill a glass with soda and he frowned as the question he didn't really want to ask –because it was such a stupid one- bubbled up and found its way out of his mouth,

"…I've been wondering for a while now about you and him." he said it quietly and was glad the way he'd said it was ambiguous in nature.

Again Edward took a short while before he answered and when he did it was with a question of what Alphonse meant.

His pauses between talking gave Alphonse the impression he was choosing his answers carefully…Al couldn't really help being suspicious and paranoid about that.

"I just noticed that you seem to get along better with him than I remember, are you and he friends?" Alphonse asked neutrally – again reassuring himself that Roy Mustang was perfectly straight- after eating another mouthful.

Edward pushed a glass of soda across to him and gave him some half-baked evasive answer reminding Alphonse how socially inept the older blonde pretended to be when it suited him.

"You're so full of it Edward, why can't you just say he's your friend." Alphonse responded and managed a light laugh, deciding he was confident enough there was no chance anything was going on between Ed and the General.

 _'All this speculation is just because I know he doesn't take our relationship seriously.'_ He reasoned miserably with himself as he ate more of the meal while his appetite lessened along with his deteriorating mood.

After some silence Alphonse decided to ask why Edward took the General to lunch in the first place since he knew there had to be a reason and the answer stunned him…in a good way.

Roy Mustang was going to be Fuhrer of Amestris…he practically whispered in disbelief to Edward after the older blonde told him the news.

It wasn't that he never thought it'd happen, it was just so  **soon** , Roy Mustang wasn't even 40 yet.

It was a good thing to hear, it reminded him of everything they'd accomplished as brothers and everything the people who had helped them had accomplished too…it reminded him that there was a history before and life beyond their situation, it reminded him that they'd come a long way…

Alphonse couldn't help disapprovingly pointing out to Edward that his lunch was an inadequate gesture for such a life time achievement but he knew that for the most part his older brother wouldn't really care about the details of what he'd done wrong, so he didn't press the issue. He managed to get a few more answers out of Edward about the subject but the drawl of the older blonde's voice told him Ed was not interested in talking about it anymore.

So Alphonse instead turned his thoughts to what to get as a gift for the older man while Edward took the empty food container and threw it out for him. He knew the gift had to be something meaningful and he realized he was mumbling his thoughts aloud only because Edward's voice was louder than his when he next spoke,

"So Al, how was your breakfast date?"

He let his eyes drift to Edward who was coming to sit back down across from him.

 _'Date…'_  he repeated in his head, he knew that word had been used purposely. Edward was implying the very same thing he had been that morning…and it dredged up all of the bad feelings Al had worked out of his system throughout his day, along with the hollow feeling in his stomach. He exhaled a quiet breath into his soda glass and then lowered it to the table,

"It was nice, Elizabeth's parents are good people, also she has a little dog and it's really cute and pampered, she's an only child so they sort of spoil her, they're very wealthy." He answered neutrally and smiled, still thinking of the cute dog she had while trying not to focus on Edward's frown.

Alphonse realized the topic wasn't going to be spoken of with ease when Edward's next question of 'why her parents wanted to meet him' sounded a lot like a demand to know, he knew his older brother's testy tone of voice far too well…that and Edward was looking at him expectantly.

"I don't think there was any specific reason, they didn't want anything from me. Elizabeth just said that she mentioned she was good friends with me and they said they wouldn't mind meeting me, so she invited me to breakfast." He stood up from the table slowly and picked up their glasses, deciding not to walk out of the kitchen rudely like he had that morning.

He didn't look at Edward as he walked around the table to the side the older man sat on, he walked to the sink which was just behind where Ed sat and opened the taps, habitually rinsing out the glasses so the sink would be empty in the morning.

He closed his eyes for a moment as he did this, again feeling uncertain about Edward's chosen time to remain silent. He was obviously holding back from saying something…or else he just didn't have anything to say.

Alphonse was tempted to turn it into a conversation, he knew he could talk about Elizabeth's father asking about the Fullmetal Alchemist, he could talk about the piano he'd seen and how he wanted to learn to play. He could maybe suggest that he and Edward should try to get into a shared activity like learning to play a new instrument so they could spend some platonic time together.

The way they used to.

 _'Surely Edward would appreciate_ _ **that**_ _…'_  he thought with irritation as opposed to good feelings about it, he couldn't help being upset about the hindering brotherly way in which Edward would never cease to see him.

Thinking of a shared interest reminded him that Edward and he no longer shared their alchemy research, whenever Edward read alchemic texts it was by himself…and he never talked about it either or asked about Al's research.

Pushing aside the irritation building within himself at how different their relationship had become, how little they  _talked_  about things…he shook his head and closed the taps after placing the dishes on the drying rack, absently asking Edward about how his lunch with General Mustang went.

When Edward answered vaguely again, his tone was flat and the sound of his chair scraping let Alphonse know the older blonde had stood up so he turned around and faced Edward. He stared at his older brother, taking in the subtle tension in Edward's jaw and his firm posture…he was upset about something but he was trying not to show it since his expression was indifferent.

Alphonse realized that he was dripping water onto his socked feet from his hands after a moment and he quickly looked for a dish cloth on the counter and wiped his hands,

"I'm gonna take a shower and get into bed…" he mumbled. He tried not to  **want**  more but it was really hard with Edward standing close, reminding him of their kiss earlier, "I'll probably be up for a while reading…" Alphonse added and raised his eyes from his hands to find Edward looking directly at him…ruefully.

It never failed to cut him deeply when Edward gave him that pitying look, his eyes saying 'I don't want to be with you tonight' even if his actual words were different,

"I'll uh, I'll probably be a few hours." Indirectly telling Alphonse not to wait up…or expect him at all.

Alphonse had wondered more and more recently if this was worth the pain of being subtly rebuffed so often. Would being  _just_  Edward's brother again be better than living with the intense longing, self-questioning and painful feelings of not really being wanted?

He didn't know…he knew what he wanted…but he didn't know if it was worth it.

Still he stepped forward with the expectation of a goodnight kiss…and Edward obliged, his lips warm and slightly sweet from the soda, Alphonse wanted more but he  _refused_  to ask for it.

"Night, Edward." He turned to leave the kitchen and heard Edward bid him a quiet good night.

* * *

Alphonse lay awake in the bed he shared with Edward…some nights.

He'd taken a hot shower and hoped to fall asleep as soon as he lay down because he hadn't slept properly the night before, but he wasn't having any luck.

The room was deathly quiet, he could hardly hear himself breathe in the ringing silence. He blinked tiredly as he stared at the white ceiling through the blue hued darkness of the room. He'd been lying completely still for a long time…a few hours at least, so his limbs felt numb and his heartbeat was very slow.

It reminded him of a time when he felt nothing…and he had no heart beat…he had not even had a chest for his heart to rest in. He hadn't had blood, he hadn't had bones, skin…sensitive skin…he hadn't felt emotions physically like he did now. He hadn't known taste could be so addictive, he hadn't known he could crave certain sensations so badly, he hadn't known emotional pain could be so much worse than physical pain…

…he hadn't known that it would hurt so much to love someone with his complete mind, body and soul.

He'd loved his mother and lost her but the pain of that tragedy was lost to the years he'd spent in a hollow suit of armor, he didn't remember how he'd felt when she died, he didn't remember how it had felt to cry for her.

But he remembered –so vividly it seemed like only yesterday- the sensation of Edward's shaking fingers touching his cold cheek when he'd lay on the concrete of the destroyed HQ grounds on the Promised Day. It was the first touch he'd received in years…it was the first thing he'd felt upon waking…and it'd made him feel so happy and safe that it had been Edward's rough, warm finger tips that he felt first before anything else.

He'd opened his eyes and smiled weakly because he could feel the heaviness of exhaustion tugging at his eyelids, then the first face he'd seen with his own eyes had been Edward's.

All the bruises, sweat and smudges of blood on his older brother's face did not take away from the beautiful smile Edward had given him the moment he'd opened his eyes to witness it…followed by his stunning golden eyes watering and Alphonse's name being whispered to him.

He had been able to  _hear_  Edward say his name, with his own ears and for the first time he'd noticed how his brother's voice sounded out his name…as if it were precious, Edward was the only person who said his name like that.

He remembered thinking 'Brother, thank you.' and not being able to say it because his throat was like sandpaper and his breathing felt labored, he'd made a strange sound in his throat that he'd been both excited to be able to make and worried about.

But he hadn't needed to say 'thank you' because Edward had been exuberant just to see him breathe and attempt to talk. Ed's steady words of reassurance and promises that Alphonse would be fine had been as good as gold to the younger blonde, he believed every word, he'd always trusted Edward would take care of him if he needed it.

And Edward had taken care of him…was still taking care of him…would always take care of him.

Because Edward loved him.

Alphonse sniffed and his slender fingers twitched as he raised his arms from his sides and brought his hands to his face, he slowly wiped away the wetness lining his lashes before sliding his hands up into his hair.

He turned his head to the side and looked at Edward's side of the bed…all of his anger had left him, like it often did when he was left alone with his thoughts and feelings.

When he was angry he felt like it'd be easier to just let go, to let Edward be with Winry and for him to try and be with someone else. But when he was alone and he thought about how much he loved Edward, he wasn't prepared to give up, he wasn't okay with the person he loved most and completely just being with anyone else.

Alphonse held on to the hope that they could be happy together.

He drew his legs up as he pushed himself into a sitting position, he missed sleeping next to Edward, he'd become used to it. He was used to the scent of his older brother's skin and the warmth of his body never far away. But whenever Edward didn't want physical closeness, Alphonse forced himself to sleep away from Edward so he didn't have to feel the longing for more, the same as he avoided kisses in the morning…

But he wanted it, all of it, all the time…right up until the points where Edward kissed his forehead sadly or left the bed to go to work and they'd be back to being distant or arguing.

He sniffed again and sat forward so he wasn't leaning on his hands and could wipe his new tears away, he was shaking lightly now, stressed, tired and…alone.

 _'I don't have to be alone, Edward's just down the hall…he'd never push me away.'_  Alphonse knew, he gave Edward space because he knew it was the right thing to do. But if he  _asked_  Ed to come to bed he knew the older blonde would never say 'No', even if he didn't want to, he would.

Alphonse would not do that to him though, there was a time when manipulating Edward's weakness for him was the simplest thing, but Al was no longer so depraved, he'd come a long way.

Still, he didn't have to be alone. Alphonse shifted to the end of the bed and stood up. He turned around and pulled the duvet off the bed to wrap it around his shoulders, bunching the large blanket around himself so it only partially touched the floor. He walked across the room, his bare feet lightly patting the tiles, he reached the door and very quietly turned the handle down and opened it.

Alphonse figured he could sleep on the single couch so he didn't disturb Edward while he worked but he knew the older man's breathing and presence would help him to sleep. He'd been fighting it for days…but Alphonse wasn't willing to lose anymore sleep…right then his need to be close to Edward was stronger than usual.

He stepped out of the bedroom and closed the door quietly behind him, the hall was dark but the lounge light was on. He pulled the blanket tighter around his shoulders, he wasn't really cold but he wasn't all that warm either. Alphonse had been having a hard time and he wasn't feeling well, there'd been a lot of tension between him and Edward for days now. Also there was a lot of strange feelings and thoughts surrounding his friendship with Elizabeth in all of his emotional confusion. Then there was the painful question of what Edward might want out of life and the question of whether Al was willing to cling to his older brother selfishly enough to take away his chance to ever have a family.

He didn't want to have to think about it all for just a little while…

He walked down the hall quietly and peered into the lounge once he reached the doorway, Alphonse felt a mixture of sadness, anger and affection pass through him as he took in Edward's sleeping form. He walked into the lounge slowly and stopped at the coffee table, he looked over his older brother and a tender smile touched his lips.

Edward was fast asleep on his back, one of his arms was above his head so his hand hung over the armrest and his other was at his side but his hand was on his stomach under his slightly hitched up shirt. It was a childhood sleeping habit of the older blonde that Alphonse both loved and disapproved of. One of Ed's legs was bent and leaning against the back of the couch and the other was straight and his flesh foot hung off the other armrest of the couch.

Alphonse looked over Edward's peaceful face, his head was leaning to the side against his raised arm, his mouth was slightly open and some of his bangs were lying across his forehead and nose, the rest of his ponytail was splayed over the armrest and couch in uneven bunches.

For Alphonse, the idea of letting go of his gorgeous and endlessly loving brother seemed impossible. Why shouldn't two people who loved each other as much as they did be allowed to be together, why did it have to be so hard?

Alphonse walked back to the doorway and switched the light off before he maneuvered carefully around the table -Edward's work and tools were all over it- so the blanket wouldn't disturb anything. He opened the blanket so he could raise his leg and he placed his knee on the end of the couch beside Ed's thigh and one hand on the back of the couch, then he raised his other leg and placed his knee between Edward's slightly parted legs so he was kneeling on the couch.

He hadn't wanted to wake the older blonde but Edward was stirring, a light frown passed over his features and his eyes shifted beneath his eyelids. Alphonse lowered himself gently down onto Edward, using his hands to balance himself until he was lying on top of Edward with the blanket over himself and his brother, chest to chest.

He couldn't help kissing Edward's lips and feeling him exhale through his nose lightly at the contact, he looked so sleepy and pliable Alphonse couldn't resist…he also couldn't resist slipping his hand under Ed's already hitched up shirt.

As he ran his hand over Edward's sleep warm skin, tracing the relaxed lines of his muscles, Alphonse closed his eyes and kissed the older blonde again, a little longer but no less softly.

He felt Edward's lips pucker against his own after a few more of the soft kisses and he smiled, he had known the older man was somewhere between waking and sleep when he'd first disturbed him, but he realized now that Edward was still mostly asleep.

Even so, he was trying to kiss back and Alphonse enjoyed the sleepy kisses, Edward's soft exhalations and the feeling of Ed's skin lightly prickling with goosebumps as he trailed his fingers downward to slip out of the shirt were delightful to note. He licked his lips after giving Edward one more lip to lip kiss and when he lay his head down on his older brother's shoulder he smiled because the older blonde sighed lightly and turned his face so his lips brushed the bridge of Alphonse's nose.

It made Alphonse feel better, because Edward knew he was there seeking closeness and it was being returned. Alphonse blinked his eyes open just after they slid shut when Edward wrapped his arms around him and rolled them to the side.

Alphonse smiled again and snuggled closer to Edward, shivering pleasantly as one of Edward's warm hands slipped under his shirt. For Alphonse the atmosphere shifted from simple closeness to longing rather easily, Edward's hand caressing his naked skin would never fail to stir arousal in him.

But he was content to just be held and he sighed against the underside of Edward's jaw, then inhaled quietly as he pulled Ed closer and pressed his body and legs as close to the older blonde as he could.

When Edward kissed his neck lightly –probably still mostly asleep- and pulled him even closer with his arm over Al's naked waist, the younger blonde frowned lightly. Sadness crept up on him until he felt the hollowness return to his stomach, he shifted his head back so he could look at Ed's face.

Edward's breathing was even, his eyes unmoving beneath his lids and he looked fast asleep.

Alphonse smiled sadly and leaned close to Edward so he could brush their lips together, he swallowed nervously and laid his head back down. He knew he shouldn't take a chance of being heard but he risked it anyway,

" _Brother_ , I love you. I wish you could be with me…I, I miss you Edward." He whispered and then closed his eyes as he let out a quiet breath, lightly shaken with suppressed emotion.

His desperate words were lost to the quiet of the apartment and the darkness.

He had been afraid Edward might be awake but when he opened his eyes again and saw that the older blonde hadn't moved and his breathing was the same, Al knew his words had gone unheard. Especially the word 'brother'.

After a few long minutes Alphonse finally found sleep.

* * *

Alphonse had dreamed.

And as he had dreamed he clung to the warm body of Edward pressed close to him and at some point…he might have been kissed…or he had dreamed it, he wasn't sure. But it had been vivid and Edwards's voice had been hushed against his ear, saying words he wouldn't remember.

When Alphonse woke up on the couch, still wrapped warmly in the blanket, he was alone.

He blinked his eyes a few times and felt a vague sort of shame as he remembered dreaming…of Edward. While being asleep in his older brother's arms no less…

His dream had been oddly sweet with smiles, touches, kisses and naked skin and was very arousing even as he thought of it right then. But he was uncertain of a few things, like the one kiss that felt too real and Edward's hands running through his hair at some point…and Edward's voice and breath against his ear.

Those things had felt too real to be a dream.

He was almost certain he must have been at least marginally awake at some point…and Edward had been there.

 _'I wonder what happened…?'_  Alphonse couldn't imagine his brother getting frisky with him while he was half asleep but he knew that some of what he remembered was  **not**  a dream.

He focused on himself and noted he could still feel the faint ache of an unsatisfied build up lingering between his legs. He didn't waste any time in getting off the couch, he made his way out of the lounge with the blanket half folded in his arms a minute later and he walked straight to Edward's bedroom.

His mood somber and his body tense.

He knew Edward was not in the apartment, the coffee table had been cleared of his work and his boots had not been at the front door. He glanced at the clock beside the bed as he placed the duvet on the bed neatly, it was 8.06 am which confirmed for him that Edward was probably at work about ten minutes already.

The night had passed…nothing had changed and Alphonse wasn't surprised.

He pulled his sleeping shirt up over his head and walked out of the bedroom to take a shower and get ready for university at 9 am.

* * *

"What's the matter with you, Alphonse?" Elizabeth asked with a curious smile where she sat beside him on a bench of the campus grounds. Many students of the university were outside in the mildly warm weather that afternoon, studying, eating, hanging out and not far away a drama group was even rehearsing.

Alphonse had been watching them until she asked him what was wrong, he turned his head to look at her and she paused with a pink candy bean almost to her lips, waiting for an answer.

Alphonse wasn't really in a talkative mood, since that morning waking up on the couch he'd been revaluating his situation with Edward over and over and every time he came back to the same conclusion.

Edward wasn't happy…and there was nothing Alphonse could think to do to fix that besides ending things between them…which he didn't even want to consider.

The very thought made him feel sick and miserable.

Whatever had happened the night before couldn't have helped his situation. He'd been seeking simple comfort in Edward's arms and wound up having a sex dream. He knew he'd probably been a terrible sight, he remembered what it was like waking up flushed and with a painful erection in the first months when he hadn't been able to be close to Edward.

He doubted he'd looked much different.

If he hadn't been feeling as depressed as he was right then, he'd probably be dealing with intense embarrassment and shame while wondering how he would face Edward that evening. He wasn't going to ask Edward what happened, he didn't want to force his older brother to tell him about his state the night before.

Alphonse was full of pain, yearning and sexual frustration and it had been his own stupid fault for getting so close to Edward when feeling like that.

"Alphonse?" Elizabeth wasn't smiling anymore, she looked concerned.

He realized he'd been staring right at her and daydreaming, he blinked and frowned lightly, looking away from her and sighing,

"Sorry, I didn't sleep well last night." He half lied and rubbed his hand over his face before crossing his arms over his chest, he was leaning back against the bench and as he sat beside her, their shoulders almost touching.

"Oh, you must be really tired. I guess I'll come over for dinner some other time then?" she asked unobtrusively, not asking him any personal questions which he was grateful for.

Alphonse's eyes widened and then he shut them and groaned,

"I completely forgot about that." He muttered, with everything that had happened the night before Elizabeth had been the farthest thing from his mind.

He looked at her with an apologetic frown, he was ready to agree that they should postpone the dinner but when he looked into her unassuming face and saw the understanding smile she was giving him, he changed his mind, "But that doesn't mean we have to skip it, I'm pretty good in the kitchen and it wouldn't take me too long to make something." He managed a small grin, thinking of how when he was with her his problems sort of faded into the background.

He needed that right then.

She looked at him with a raised eyebrow and he thought of how that raised eyebrow always made Edward look annoyed, defiant or devious…but on her it looked playful and challenging,

"He's handsome  **and** he cooks." She popped the little candy into her mouth with a smile and handed the packet of sweets to Alphonse,

"I also keep a clean house and know how to separate whites from colors when I do laundry." He added quietly as he picked a blue candy out for himself. His voice was slightly strained but he still tried to joke with her. He hadn't seen Elizabeth until ten minutes earlier and she was already making him feel better.

She fanned herself while smiling,

"Careful Al, you might just make me fall for you." She said in a suggestive tone.

Alphonse smiled slightly and put the small candy into his mouth before he handed her back the sweet packet. She didn't take it but reached in to take another bean,

"So, do we need to buy anything later for this dinner you're making me?"

Alphonse shook his head,

"Our cupboards are well stocked, my brother knows I like to cook and so he lets me buy whatever I like." He looked into her green eyes, she wore no makeup that day and Alphonse found she looked a younger without it,

"And I thought I was spoiled." She snickered.

"Do I seem spoiled?" he asked quietly.

He didn't think he was spoiled, life had been too hard and too empty for him not to appreciate everything he had in his life with every fiber of his real body. He took nothing for granted…except Edward's devout love for him.

He swallowed sorely.

"No, actually you're so nice that you make me look really bad." Elizabeth brushed her long hair back from her face with a hand over the top of her head as she giggled and Alphonse immediately thought it looked good on her, so he said so,

"You should wear your hair back more often, it looks nice." His throat hurt but his voice was quietly steady. Elizabeth had sharp facial features and it suited her to have her hair out of her face.

He hadn't often seen her blush and even though it was faint, she blushed right then and nodded,

"Thank you Alphonse, I might just do that." she received the compliment well, Alphonse nodded as well.

They sat in silence for a while, Alphonse found his somber mood was harder to overcome than usual. Elizabeth sat forward and huffed as she looked at her dainty wrist watch,

"I have a lecture in ten minutes but it's across campus, walk me?" she put her book bag over her shoulder and stood up.

"Sure." He stood up as well and as they passed a waste bin he threw the sweets out.

"Al…" she looked up at him, her full height when she wore flat shoes was just above his chin.

"Yeah?" he looked at her, she looked serious but her expression was soft,

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Alphonse smiled just slightly at her,

"Yes, I am. Don't worry about me." he really didn't want her to.

She smiled back just as slight,

"Okay…I wo-ah!" she squeaked when a hard beetle landed on her arm and clung to her clothing, she dropped her book bag on the grass in a panic as she squirmed.

Alphonse quickly stopped her from flailing and batting at her arm frantically, he clasped the medium sized beetle in his hand gently once she stilled…and he laughed quietly at her flustered, shocked and embarrassed face.

Not too long after he set the beetle free, Elizabeth was laughing too and Alphonse was punished for his amusement with carrying her book bag.

* * *

When Alphonse turned the key in the door and found it still locked he felt relieved.

He knew it was a bad idea to have Elizabeth over without telling Edward they'd be having a dinner guest but it was too late to take it back. His mood wasn't much better since that afternoon but she did take the focus off his inner turmoil by distracting him.

It was still at least 45 minutes before his older brother would be home, in that time Alphonse figured he'd try and think of how to deal with Ed meeting Elizabeth.

He opened the door and stepped aside for her to go in first,

"It isn't nearly as huge as where you live, so try not to walk into any walls." He told her with a teasing grin.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes at him,

"I'm not  _that_  clumsy…or that materialistic. After all, it's my parents who are rich, not me." she admitted as she walked into the entrance space and then turned to face him.

Alphonse stepped inside and closed the door,

"You are that clumsy." he told her calmly, "You had leaves and grass in your hair just twenty minutes ago and I don't even know why, let's not rule out the possibility of you walking into any walls." He said with a skeptical look and she poked his chest a few times while trying to look sad,

"I fell okay, the grass on campus is slippery and my shoes have smooth soles." She sighed, tilting her head to ask for his sympathy with a pout. Alphonse shook his head and she followed his actions, placing her book bag down next to his beside the closet door,

"Excuses." He mumbled and he stepped out of his shoes, "You don't have to take your shoes off if you don't want to." He added as he gestured for her to go into the hallway.

She did anyway, revealing two pale feet with dark nail polish on her toenails,

"Stop picking on me, I'm nervous about meeting your brother." She glared at him with a playful warning expression on her face and then followed his gesture.

Alphonse nearly said 'me too' but instead he nodded to her,

"Okay, I'll stop, I promise." He said with a small smile, he felt anxious at being reminded that he'd just let a stranger into their living space.

He wasn't even sure of how Edward's mood would be with him yet he'd brought home his friend.

It seemed so easy to forget he had such a dark secret when Elizabeth offered him a welcomed distraction.

He hated to acknowledge it, but he knew this was what Edward had meant by a 'normal' 'healthy' relationship.

With Edward everything was clouded in worry and stress and wrongness, but with a girl, with Elizabeth, everything was easy and it didn't feel like he needed to be careful of what he said or did around her.

He sighed as they entered the kitchen and she was leaned against the counter while he started opening the cupboards and looking for ideas of what to make for dinner,

"Okay, what do you like to eat, are you allergic to anything?" he looked at her as he held open one of the larger cupboard doors. She narrowed her eyes thoughtfully and then shook her head,

"I like to eat pasta, chicken and fish and no, not that I know of." She smiled.

He nodded and started to take out specific ingredients as he planned out a meal in his head, he was just closing the cupboard to open the next one when Elizabeth whipped her head around – so her hair nearly hit Alphonse in the face - to the sound of a 'meow'.

"You have a kitty!" she quickly walked over to CookieBoots, who meowed in confusion when she picked him up and cuddled him tightly, "It's beautiful, Alphonse. Why didn't you mention you had a pet?"

Alphonse just shrugged as he closed the second cupboard, he placed the black pepper bottle down and started to roll his dark blue shirt sleeves up as he moved to the sink to wash his hands,

"I guess it never came up." He honestly failed to think about much else besides Edward when he wasn't at home.

Even right then…he was thinking about when Edward returned home just what would happen.

"You should meet Toby-Toby…pretty kitty…" Elizabeth wasn't even listening to Alphonse so he shook his head and washed his hands.

* * *

A half hour later CookieBoots had long since run away and Elizabeth had washed her hands and was helping Alphonse cook…which she was no good at.

He had some chicken pieces frying on a low heat in the cooking sauce of diced tomatoes, black pepper, garlic and olive oil and he was just waiting for the chopped peppers so he could add them to the sauce.

But the bell peppers were at the mercy of his hopeless friend and the large dicing knife she wielded.

"You're horrible at this, Elizabeth." He was smiling sadly at the crookedly and unevenly chopped peppers she stood over. She shook her head,

"I know. The Dunn women have always been hopeless in the kitchen…" she sighed exaggeratedly, then smiled naughtily at him and Alphonse raised his eyebrows, unimpressed with her chopping skills and her latest grin, "But we make up for it in the bedroom." She said in a low voice.

Alphonse couldn't help the faint blush that tinged his ears a light pink at her words but he was used to her sense of humor and wasn't all that affected by it,

"That doesn't help those poor mutilated peppers, does it?" he shook his head and walked over to the pan on the burner to turn the chicken pieces over.

At that point she picked up some of the chopped peppers and threw them at him from across the kitchen. Alphonse felt the small cool pieces of colorful vegetable hit his head and back and he turned around to look at her, his expression mildly incredulous and slightly amused,

"Did you just throw peppers at me?" he half laughed.

"Oh yes, yes, I did." She gave him her challenging raised eyebrow and placed a hand on her hip.

He raised his own eyebrow, not knowing how very much like Edward he looked right then and she laughed and raised her hands quickly when he picked up a small clasp of finely chopped parsley on his side of the kitchen and threw it at her.

Most of it landed on the floor, much like the peppers but Alphonse could clean it up easily and besides, he was proud of the greenery clinging to her long hair. He raised his eyebrows at her, smirking as he picked a chopped piece of green pepper off his shoulder and popped it into his mouth, crunching on it victoriously.

She was smiling as she raised her chin at him,

"Well at least it matches my clothes." She touched her hair confidently at her remark. She wore a lighter shade of green that day. A V-neck, well fitted top with elbow long sleeves and black suit pants and she didn't pick the parsley out of her hair or off her top, she simply struck a pose.

Alphonse started laughing when she asked him how she looked, she really didn't take anything seriously and he liked that about her,

"Come here, let me get it out of your hair before you forget it's there." He said with a smile as he took the pan off the burner and stepped toward her. They exchanged small laughs and snickers as he picked the parsley out of her hair, she was facing him, looking at his chin as he did so.

When he thought he'd got the last of it he asked her to turn around so he could double check the back of her hair, she started to turn but then she stopped abruptly and Alphonse frowned down at her before he looked to the doorway of the kitchen.

He didn't know why, but his stomach did a flip when he saw Edward standing in the doorway.

The older man had no expression on his face, he wore his usual full black clothing, a well fit black button up shirt and jeans and his hair was tied back into his customary ponytail.

"Edward, I didn't hear you come in." Alphonse forced himself to smile despite how worried he suddenly felt, his stomach was shaking.

 _'I hope he didn't get the wrong idea, how long has he been standing there?'_  his palms felt clammy since Edward was looking at him, he hadn't even looked at Elizabeth.

"I only just got here…" Edward responded in a flat voice before he blinked once to refocus his golden eyes on Elizabeth, Alphonse recognized that Edward was waiting for her to say something first. He knew Edward wasn't the sort who introduced himself to people if he didn't have to and it was dawning on Alphonse quickly that he had been an idiot to do this.

He was only making things worse between them, he was sure.

 _'He's going to be angry at me for not telling him first…'_  he sighed inwardly as he watched Edward.

The silence was uncomfortable but Elizabeth was -and Alphonse loved her for it- immune to tension,

"Hi, I'm Elizabeth Dunn. I don't know if Alphonse has mentioned me, I'm a friend of his." She smiled brightly and walked toward Edward –bumping into a chair as she did so- and extended her slender hand to him.

Edward had followed her movements and dropped his gaze to her hand when she stood in front of him.

Alphonse watched his brother, unsure of what to expect…and feeling terribly stupid for not thinking this through and not being able to even say anything right then because he knew he was in the wrong.

 _'I should have postponed until I could have told him.'_  He told himself a little too late.

He raised his eyebrows when Edward raised his hand and took hers after a few seconds –which to the younger blonde felt like forever- and his older brother managed a small, tense, smile as he shook her hand,

"Yeah he has, I'm Edward, his older brother."

She beamed,

"Yes I know, I was keen to meet the brother Alphonse never has a bad thing to say about." Elizabeth said harmlessly, "I've known many siblings and they always complain about each other, but not Al. I think you might be a saint from the way he talks about you."

Alphonse appreciated her humor most of the time but right then he wished she'd just shut up.

Edward looked at Alphonse and the younger blonde looked away quickly, he wasn't sure why, he just couldn't face his older brother right then so he busied himself retrieving a casserole dish from the cupboard so he could put the chicken into it.

"I'm no saint I assure you, Elizabeth. Alphonse is a far better person than me any day of week. Are you staying for dinner?" Alphonse's heartbeat sped up at Edward's casual words, even spoken in a neutral tone they held sincerity which made his stomach clench with guilt.

"Oh my, you two really can't say a bad thing about one another." Elizabeth giggled, "Ah, yes, Alphonse invited me yesterday, I thought he would have mentioned it."

Alphonse tensed and stopped his actions at Elizabeth's words and the unsure tone of her voice on the latter statement made him feel bad for putting her in this situation, he'd been removing the chicken from the pan into a dish and the fork was stuck just inside a drumstick.

"It's fine, it's my fault since I'm usually busy with work when I get home and we don't always get to talk." He heard Edward take the blame like it was second nature and Alphonse clenched his jaw.

Alphonse had to suppress the urge to jerk in surprise when Edward stepped up right next to him and touched his hand to take the fork,

"Let me finish, Al. You go and keep your friend company." Edward didn't make eye contact with him as he took the fork but Al knew Ed's actions and his voice well enough to know he was not being asked.

He nodded numbly and stepped back,

"Alright, thanks Edward." He tried to smile but he was feeling too uncomfortable and the older blonde wasn't even looking at him, he walked away from Edward slowly toward the table.

Alphonse looked at Elizabeth, she looked confused and she glanced at Edward's back and then back to him and mouthed 'W _hy didn't you tell him, is he upset, should I leave?'_  while gesturing with her hands. Alphonse shook his head quickly then gestured to the doorway and mouthed ' _I'll be out in a minute, let me talk to him.'_

She nodded and then glanced at Edward who hadn't even glanced at them,

"Do you mind if I use your bathroom?" she said aloud but Ed wouldn't answer so Alphonse had to play along,

"Yeah sure, it's the next door in the hall." He tried to sound pleasant.

She left the kitchen and Alphonse glanced at Edward, he had walked over to the badly chopped up peppers and frowned at them. Edward carried them over to the counter near the sink and washed his hands before he took up the knife and started to dice them finer.

Right then Alphonse heard the bathroom door close and he walked over to Edward and stood beside him,

"I'm sorry Edward, I did actually forget to tell you yesterday." He whispered, looking at Ed's side profile with light frown.

Edward stopped chopping and looked at him,

"It's okay Alphonse, I don't see any reason why you can't bring your friends over and you don't need my permission." His voice was flat but his eyes held an emotion, Alphonse just didn't know what it was and Ed looked down and continued chopping the peppers before he could figure it out.

Alphonse didn't feel any better that Edward said it was okay,

"I'm really sorry."

"Stop apologizing, you didn't do anything wrong." Edward stated firmly and sighed when he placed the knife down, not looking at Alphonse.

"Edward…" Alphonse said, his voice was quiet and sad.

He forgot about Elizabeth's presence being the issue for the moment, he was thinking about the night before and even though he'd told himself he didn't want to ask…he had lied, he did want to know if Edward had kissed him for real during his dream.

The older blonde had picked up the chopping board but he put it down again and turned to face Alphonse,

"Alphonse?" he asked quietly, his voice gentle.

Alphonse swallowed and he searched Edward's emotionless face for a clue to what he as thinking,

"Are you upset?" he asked, his thoughts about what had happened on the couch and their argument from the day before jumbled together and was tainting his voice with anxiousness.

Edward stared at him for a moment and then he shook his head,

"I told you, you don't need my perm-…"

"I mean about last night…what happened on the couch." Alphonse was speaking very quietly now and he lowered his gaze to the colorful peppers on the chopping board, he was close enough to smell Edward's day worn cologne and it stirred up the urge to kiss the older blonde's neck.

When he raised his eyes again Edward was looking at him with a light frown,

"We can't talk about that now."

Alphonse sighed,

"I don't really know what happened." he admitted, "I know I was dreaming and then you kis-…"

"Alphonse,  **not now**." Edward's tone was low and final on that topic, "You should offer your friend something to drink while I finish din-  _hey…what the hell are you doing?"_  Edward's voice went from an even calm to a rough whisper in a second as he leaned back.

Alphonse had attempted to kiss him, Elizabeth was in the bathroom and they'd hear when she opened the door, it was safe to get his first kiss for the day…

…but Edward was frowning at him like he'd lost his mind.

"She's in the bathroom, we'll hear her come out…" Alphonse's badly mixing emotions made him ask, "…kiss me please, Edward." He whispered and leaned in again.

Edward picked up the chopping board and turned away, shaking his head as he walked to the pan on the opposite counter top,  
"No, Alphonse." he said quietly as he put the peppers into the pan and switched the burner back on.

Alphonse swallowed slowly, his chest felt sore as he realized that Edward had just told him  **no**.

He knew that it made sense Edward would say no, there was someone else in their apartment, it was stupid to risk getting caught kissing or looking flustered afterward, as Al knew he so often did.

Still, he'd needed it…a reassurance like Edward used to give that everything was okay…even if it had been a peck.

Even if it had been a light hand on his own…or a genuine smile…

Alphonse would have taken whatever he could get to ease his emotional turbulence and confused feelings.

But Edward had just said  **no**.

The bathroom door opened down the hall and Alphonse ran his hand through his hair slowly before taking in a deep breath and leaving the kitchen without looking at Edward.


	4. Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Chester Bennington
> 
> NB: I do not know anything about cooking, if the meal Ed and Al made makes no sense, I apologize.
> 
> Big Thanks - to Vienna Wood for editing this lengthy chapter, your assistance is appreciated and I think it's making me lazy.

 

 

  
_All those years down the drain_   
_Love was not enough when you want everything_   
_What I gave to you and now the end must start_   
_Oh I should have listened to my heart_   


* * *

 

"Edward…"

He was already slowly waking because of Alphonse's accelerated breathing against his neck but hearing his name mumbled in a low breathy voice made him open his heavy eyelids.

Edward inhaled sleepily and being familiar with the feeling of Alphonse in his arms he wasn't confused by the warm, firm body pressed against him.

He was just thinking it was too warm – having realized they were covered by a blanket- when he decided to get a feel of exactly where his limbs were and to try to untangle himself from Alphonse's sleeping warmth. But he became distracted by the sound of the continued deep, heavy breathing against his neck.

It reminded him of what had awoken him to start with and he frowned, he pulled his head back slightly and inclined it to see Alphonse's face, the younger blonde had his head lowered so his nose had been under Ed's chin.

He opened his mouth to say Alphonse's name and wake him up, moderate concern creeping into his waking awareness at his younger brother's heavy breathing. But he blinked slowly and closed his mouth when he realized Alphonse had an erection and it was pressed against Ed's inner hip since Al's one leg was between his own.

He raised his eyebrows as it dawned on him why exactly Alphonse was breathing heavily…and had said his name. It was unusual for Edward, since he'd never taken the younger blonde's sexual praise of himself as something to be proud of, but right then he felt relief from the situation.

It wasn't a pleased feeling, it had more to do with how he'd been feeling that morning after Alphonse and his argument about Al's female friend. He was relieved because Al dreaming about him meant he hadn't been pushed aside for some girl his younger brother had only recently come to know.

He was still in his brother's heart…and lustings.

No, he didn't feel proud or smug…just relieved that he might not have been lied to.

On the other end of his relief however was guilt…because Alphonse hadn't had dreams like this for as long as they'd been sharing a bed, the fact that he was now highlighted Edward's worsening neglectfulness of the younger blonde's needs.

He sighed and tried to lift his hand from under the covers, only to realize it was still under Alphonse's shirt. Edward's feelings settled between guilt for his hand being there and the urge to touch the skin he could feel against the backs of his knuckles.

He was allowed to touch after all…it was what Alphonse wanted and the small sound Al made against his neck between his breathing right then reaffirmed for Edward that he did in fact have the permission to do so.

He uncurled his fingers and splayed them against Alphonse's mid back, as he slid his hand slowly downward he felt the subtle ridges of his younger brother's spine and his relaxed back muscles, until eventually he stroked his hand over Al's hip and removed his hand from the warm skin under the shirt altogether.

Alphonse's hand was clutching the back of his shirt slightly and his grip tightened for a moment, Edward's hand on his skin had raised a reaction in him even though he wasn't awake.

"Al, wake up…" Edward was finally able to bring his hand up from under the covers and he slipped it between their faces, he patted his younger brother's cheek very lightly while looking into his face at close proximity.

Alphonse frowned and licked his lips, Edward smiled slightly at the small huff Al let out at Ed's attempts to wake him, the younger blonde's eyes remained defiantly closed.

"Alphonse." Edward said slightly louder, blinking his tired eyes and lightly stroking his fingers against Al's cheek. Slowly he turned his hand around and brushed his knuckles along Alphonse's jaw line.

The younger blonde didn't stir at all and his breathing was evening out, Edward sighed quietly, figuring he should just let Alphonse sleep since the dream had obviously passed.

He placed his thumb under Alphonse's chin and raised his head slightly, just enough for him to press a soft kiss to his cheek. He was surprised when Al's face turned and their lips brushed. Edward pulled back and he watched as Alphonse opened and closed his eyes a few times taking in a short confused breath through his nose,

"Ed?" he said in a garbled mumble, his tone had a hint of questioning.

"Yeah. Go back to sleep." Edward said quietly as the younger blonde's eyes fell closed after another tired blink and didn't open again.

Al's head moved in what Edward supposed was intended as a nod but the movement was too sluggish and was followed by a weak attempt to pucker his lips. The older blonde smiled adoringly at Alphonse and kissed him on the lips gently.

He didn't pull back immediately and when he finally did it was only slightly so he could press another dry lipped kiss to Al's still puckered lips. Edward felt wrong for kissing his sleeping brother in the first place but when Al's lips parted slightly the older blonde felt even guiltier for parting his own as well. He licked Al's bottom lip softly and dipped his tongue into Alphonse's mouth slowly…and Al's mouth opened just a bit more to give him access to tease his unmoving tongue.

He didn't go any further though, Alphonse was sleeping and doing anything more would feel dissolute on a different level entirely. As he drew back he used his thumb under Al's chin to brush over his lips as encouragement to seal them. He felt Alphonse exhale against his thumb from his partially closed lips before he breathed out,

"Brother…"

Edward's chest tightened painfully, eyes widening at first but then he frowned at how softly the word had been whimpered. He swallowed when his mouth felt suddenly dry and he realized he was holding his breath, he exhaled very shakily through his nose. Edward stared into Alphonse's dark shadowed face, he was still asleep and his face was so peaceful. Edward felt as though he might cry, his throat was tensing as he stared at his younger brother…

…Edward wanted to hear him say it again, his heart  _ached_  to hear it.

It had been months…since Alphonse had called him that and he truly missed it.

_'I used to be your big brother, we used to be so damn close….now I'm just Edward and all I do is make you unhappy…'_

He raised his hand, now trembling lightly as his body dealt with the harsh emotional anguish he felt, and he ran it through Alphonse's hair, over a few times, slowly each time.

Edward sniffed softly and leaned down to press his lips to Alphonse's ear,

"I'm sorry Alphonse, I'm sorry things turned out like this…it shou-…" his throat hurt and he had to swallow sorely before continuing with a pained short breath, "…it shouldn't have been this way."

He mumbled another apology as he drew back, a few tears finally slipped from his eyes so he shut them tightly. He ran his hand down the back of Alphonse's head to his neck, pulling him closer and hugging him as much as he could laying as they were.

Edward held his sleeping brother for a few long minutes before he finally felt like he could let go. He carefully shifted his leg backwards from between Al's and with a light hand on Alphonse's thigh he pushed the younger blonde's leg off his own. Once he had his leg free he was able to shift himself up and sideways on the edge of the sofa, he still moved carefully as he got off the couch and stood up. Edward held the blanket still so it didn't tug on Alphonse as he moved and then he turned around and covered the younger blonde properly again.

He stepped around the table carefully then walked through the lounge into the dark hall, he listened to the mismatched sound of his feet on the tile as he approached his bedroom door. He went inside quietly, walked over to the bed and sat down heavily heaving a pained sigh, his chest still hurt and he was still trembling lightly as he ran a hand through his bangs and looked at the his bedside clock.

It was almost 5 am.

He knew he had to be up in an hour anyway so he didn't bother to go back to sleep.

Instead he figured he'd just leave really early for work.

* * *

Edward was surprised that Alphonse hadn't woken up.

After he'd showered, cleaned up, tied his wet hair into a ponytail and was dressed by a quarter to six he assumed the younger blonde would be awake from the minimal noise. Alphonse had always been a light sleeper after all.

But when Edward walked quietly into the lounge to retrieve his work tools and blueprints, he found Alphonse hadn't moved and was still breathing evenly, sound asleep. He went on to pack his tools up, expecting the sound of him removing the tape from the table would stir the younger blonde, but still Alphonse slept.

Edward was frowning by the time he'd re-rolled his blueprints, had repacked his bag and was ready to leave…because he realized that his younger brother had been just as exhausted as he was.

 _'I guess he hasn't been sleeping any better than I have…_ ' and he knew sleeping together in the same bed seemed to appease them both enough to sleep well. Even though he'd only slept for a short few hours, it had been a much less restless sleep and he knew it was because he'd been holding Alphonse.

It was abnormal and wrong to need Alphonse's physical body to sleep better but he'd long since stopped denying he did in fact need it. He'd also stopped questioning just how far back his want to have Al physically close actually went…and when it had gone from a subconscious  _want_  to a conscious  **need**.

He stood for a moment in the lounge doorway with his blueprints and bag in his hands, feeling bad for creeping around hoping to not to wake Alphonse and then succeeding in doing so, he could leave before Al woke up.

He knew he should wake Alphonse and say goodbye at least or this would be the second morning that they didn't leave each other on proper terms to go about their days.

 _'But we didn't fight at least…'_  he made an excuse for himself.

With an inward sigh, he turned away from Alphonse's sleeping form and walked into the small entrance way. He put his armfuls down so he could pull his boots on quietly –guiltily- and when he was done he left the apartment just as quietly and locked the door behind himself.

* * *

It was almost 6.30 am when Edward was sitting in a coffee shop down the street from the construction site, the gates would only be opened at 7 am by the site foreman –who didn't like Edward because he had to take instruction from him.

He was staring into a cup of black coffee, it was fresh and steaming and it smelled good because it wasn't cheap shit…and it was his second cup in ten minutes.

Edward hadn't been able to stop thinking of Alphonse's sleeping face, he'd looked so peaceful and perfect…so innocent and pure. And Edward didn't understand why he'd kissed the younger blonde when he'd been asleep and it bothered him, it was twisted…

Then again, it wasn't really. He'd kissed Alphonse that afternoon when he'd come home from work and the younger blonde had stopped him at the time but Edward had been enjoying it quite a bit, he'd wanted to kiss Al. It was the same feeling he'd had when he'd kissed Alphonse on the couch, he'd just wanted to.

Despite his personal conflictions, he couldn't deny that he was very attracted to Alphonse…

…of course that didn't change the fact that sometimes being 'attracted' wasn't enough to keep him going.

But right then…when he thought of the warm wetness of Alphonse's mouth and his soft skin…Edward felt sinfully horny and a little queasy. It was no good, having sex on a regular basis had made  _not_  having sex feel worse.

He'd become used to having sex for several nights in a row at a time and the longer he went without it he found himself craving it. In the beginning the time it took for his avoidance episodes to pass was much quicker as it was slowly replaced with a tepid desire… and he'd be back to serving Alphonse's needs within a few days.

But he'd been feeling the craving for sex less and less which is why he'd been pulling away from Alphonse without even realizing it…until that early morning when Alphonse had been dreaming of him. He could feel his mild desires easing back in slowly but surely.

Edward figured he should suppress his personal guilt now that he knew Alphonse wasn't lying to him and still needed him. Ed knew he had to get back to his priority of making Al happy instead of avoiding him…and he'd be satisfying his own lesser desires in the process.

The fact that the younger blonde had called him 'brother' had both hurt and healed Edward in different ways. It had hurt to be called that right after kissing Alphonse…as if the younger blonde associated their brotherhood with their sexual relationship. But it had healed Edward's pain of wondering whether Alphonse wished they were no longer brothers or never had been at all…

Like everything in his life, it was a double edged sword.

 _'Does Alphonse want to be with me…because I'm his brother?'_  he raised the coffee to his lips and sipped from the hot liquid trying to ignore the sudden nausea that turned his stomach at the thought. His lip stung slightly from the heat but he didn't even flinch, his taste buds were still raw from the first hot cup he'd drunk so he didn't bother about scalding himself.

He sat for a while longer in the quiet shop until his coffee was finished and it was a few minutes after 7 am, the waitress came by to ask if he wanted anything else a few times but he said no each time. He wasn't hungry for some reason and so he figured by lunch time he'd be hungry enough to eat a lot more.

Thinking of that as the waitress took his coffee cup and left a bill, Edward asked her about the lunch specials. She rattled them off in a well-rehearsed manner and then he left the coffee shop with his blueprints and bag, thinking over the menu and what he'd buy that afternoon.

* * *

"What the hell do you mean you need to tear up 815 square feet of concrete and steel foundation?! That stage of the project was completed two weeks ago, why the fuck would it need to be redone?!" Edward yelled at the site foreman who had at least twenty years of age on him and a few noticeable inches of height, not that that made any difference to the blonde who had intimidated many much larger and more dangerous men and monsters in his lifetime.

The man was straight lipped and a little red in his face, he was a slightly balding and large set man who wasn't used to being talked to the way Edward did right then, being the 'guy in charge' and all. But Edward was technically in charge of him since he was not just the designer but had a much more in-depth knowledge of exactly how to create a sound structure from scratch. He didn't seem intimidated by Edward but he didn't seem eager to step out of line because of how much pull Edward had with the military.

"The cement proportions weren't mixed properly…that means th-…" he grunted and Edward scowled making him fall silent, Ed's eyes narrowed quickly,

"I know what the hell it means!" he snapped, "Are your men trying to cut corners by watering down the cement grade?"

"It was just a miscalculation, no one's cutting any corners." The man defended his company with a frown.

"You've been doing this for too many years to miscalculate old man," Edward stared the man down, "unless you  **didn't** check the foundation mix before they laid it, is that it? You fucked up by not doing your job, Foreman?" he sounded calmer as he asked that, no longer yelling.

Several of the workers were standing around and watching them, the older man had his hands folded across his chest as he stared down at Edward but it made no difference, the younger man did  **not** stand down for anyone and he certainly didn't respect people just because they were older than him.

"Yes, I assumed they'd done it correctly." He half mumbled, looking like he had tasted something disgusting.

"Oh," Edward quipped mockingly, "…you  **assumed**  that the foundation concrete mix for a multimillion-Cenz construction project of a State Military building was done correctly. That's really professional…" he scoffed and tucked his bangs behind his ears as he looked across the large open space that was currently an eye sore of excavated ground, cement, steel and machinery.

The weather was warm and it was 2 pm and he hadn't yet eaten anything, he'd only had two cups of coffee that morning and a few more through the day and he was irritable as  **hell** …so the Foreman hot to be the unlucky victim for venting his frustration.

"How bad?" Edward asked and turned his golden eyes back on the older man.

"It's piss poor, too weak to hold up five floors of stone and concrete. It's cracking already and we've only started putting up the walls and pillars." The foreman answered evenly, "We have to tear it up."

Edward grimaced, not looking forward to the call he'd have to make,

"You fucked this up," he pointed at the taller man, "the construction time is going to fall back at least a fucking month," he loathed the idea of dedicating himself to the job for an additional month, "and you better fucking believe that your company's redoing that 815 on your own cost and if you go over your quote you'll take it as a loss." He said calmly and clenched his jaw.

The older man looked angry but resigned, he obviously knew he would  _literally_  pay for his fuck up and he nodded while giving Edward an unpleasant once over.

Edward returned the look and turned on his heel, narrowing his eyes as his glare cut across the staring workers and a few of them looked away from him quickly. He ignored the mumbles and hushed complaints of the men standing around and made his way back across the open sandy space to his small office. Edward had never missed a train ride and a bland country view as much as he did right then, he  **hated**  steady work and dealing with people.

He boots jarred the steel steps outside his office heavily as he stomped up and inside, he slammed his door and glared at the military phone that had been temporarily installed for him.

Mustang hated paper work and expense fuck ups and much as Edward hated people and incompetence.

With a heavy sigh he walked around to sit in his chair, he picked the phone up, dialed the number he knew well and then leaned back in his chair and placed his one leg across his other knee.

The phone rang twice before it was answered,

_-"General Mustang's office."_

"Hey, Major, it's Edward." he greeted Riza Hawkeye stiffly, recognizing the woman's familiar voice.

 _-"Hi Edward, did you want to speak to the General?"_  she asked professionally.

"Yeah, please." He mumbled.

 _-"I'll connect you, he's in a bit of a bad mood Ed…so try not to make it worse for all of us."_  She said seriously enough, but he heard a note of amusement in her tone.

"Can't make any promises, not doing so great myself." He grumbled.

She sighed,

_-"Alright, going through."_

The line went quiet and then started ringing again after a second, Edward waited four and a half rings this time before Mustang's voice spoke into the open line,

 _-"General Mustang_." He said in a blunt tone.

Edward raised an eyebrow, his own irritation still brimming at the surface,

"Mustang, where the hell did you find these fucking morons?" his own tone was harsh.

There was a pause and then,

 _-"Maybe I could answer your question if I knew what the hell you were talking about."_  Mustang used his calm but angry tone of voice Ed was very well acquainted with.

"The construction company you hired, they're fucking morons!" he restated loudly, clenching his free hand into a fist.

 _-"What happened?"_  Mustang sighed heavily and Edward thought he sounded tired.

Edward clenched his jaw a few times and reigned in his yelling for an angry but lower tone,

"Details aside, construction is set back approximately 4 weeks because of the hired company's incompetent piece of-…"

 _-"Yes alright, spare me your colorful vocabulary if you would."_  Mustang said in a dull voice,  _"I have a headache and your complaining always did make it worse."_

Edward narrowed his eyes and was about to start yelling –and swearing- in alphabetical order when he remembered he was adult…and he'd long since stopped throwing tantrums.

He let out a withering sigh and he pressed his thumb and fingers into his closed eyes for a moment,

"I'll get a new time frame worked out and on paper for you as well as a detailed report by tomorrow, send someone to the site by 7.30 to pick it up and you can look it over or whatever the fuck it is you have to do…" he forced his tone to be even and pulled the phone from his ear to hang up.

_-"Edward…"_

He paused with the phone a few centimeters from the hook when he heard Mustang say his name into the phone line and followed it with some more indiscernible words, the older man was clearly still talking to him. He blinked slowly, contemplating whether or not he wanted to continue the conversation with an irritated Mustang while he was also irritated.

He heard his name again said with a more questioning tone.

Edward's lips formed a straight line before he brought the phone back to his ear, he'd hesitated too long, if he hung up now Mustang would phone back and grouch at him for hanging up on him 'deliberately' and that would just piss him off.

"Say that again." Ed huffed into the handset once it was back against his ear.

 _-"You were going to hang up on me weren't you?"_  Mustang asked calmly.

"Maybe." Edward raised an eyebrow.

 _-"Strange…"_ Mustang hummed,  _"…first you don't yell at me for cutting you off but then you want to hang up on me. I'm getting mixed signals from you and its breaking my fragile heart."_  He sighed tragically into the line, apparently feeling much better and ready to trade pointless wit.

Edward hated the smirk that tugged at his lips,

"I'm not going to flirt with you, Mustang, no matter how much it amuses you. What did you say when I was about to hang up on you?" Edward tilted his neck side to side, rubbing at the tension in his shoulder with his free hand.

 _-"I asked if you had a concussion or something, seeing as how you didn't yell at me."_  he said very seriously.

"So I  **should**  have hung up, I really should trust my instincts." Edward sighed.

 _-"All that ever did was nearly get you killed…multiple times."_  Mustang mumbled, a smirk most likely on his face.

"Says the man who has no fighting instinct and forgets he's useless on rainy days." Edward shot back calmly, smirking. But his smirk fell quickly when he realized that Mustang could easily mock him for being  _entirely_ useless when it came to alchemy.

 _-"That happened once."_ Mustang grumbled  _"And might I remind you-…_ " Edward braced himself, his stomach clenching in apprehension of the insult to come,  _"- that I was only eager to stop Scar from killing you at the time."_  Mustang finished smoothly.

Edward felt the abrupt tension in his stomach lessen, leaving behind only a slight feeling of shakiness…and relief.

_'Should have known he wouldn't pick on that.'_

"Ah yes, my  **almost**  hero…" Edward said with a smile and a feigned breathlessness.

Mustang chuckled,

_-"You're flirting with me."_

Edward stopped smiling instantly and his eye twitched,

"Damn it, how the hell do you that…?" it wasn't really a question, just a complaint.

 _-"An acquired skill I assure you, many unsuspecting women have fallen victim to my flirtation."_  He boasted lazily.

"I'm not a woman, bastard. And I'm not about to fall anywhere near you…and besides you're straight remember," Edward grinned, "or are you getting dementia in your old age?"

Mustang laughed quietly and Edward frowned slightly…because that was a laugh he'd never heard before.

It sounded like a personal…sexy laugh and it made his skin crawl…in an odd way.

 _-"Well, I-…"_  there was a noise on Mustang's end of the phone –like a door opening- that interrupted him and Edward heard Hawkeye telling him to please stop procrastinating and finish his assigned work before his meeting. Then Mustang sigh very quietly but it was straight into the phone so Ed heard it and raised his eyebrows.

 _-"I'll send Havoc to fetch the papers in the morning, have you assaulted anyone I should prepare to silence from bringing a lawsuit against you?"_  he said after his sigh.

"No…just like when you asked me last time you called." Edward drawled.

 _-"I'd rather be a step ahead."_  Mustang sounded quietly amused,  _"We both know you have a_ _ **short**_ _temper."_

Edward's eyes narrowed but he didn't let it get to him,

"Not today Mustang, try again tomorrow."

 _-"If you wanted me to call you tomorrow you only had to ask."_  Mustang said smoothly.

"Shut up." Edward huffed.

 _-"Try not to miss me too much."_  Mustang said –with a bastardly grin Edward could just picture him wearing- and then the line went dead.

Edward's eye twitched as he gripped the handset tightly,

"Every time…he does that every time." He grumbled irritably and dropped the phone down so it 'tinged' loudly.

He sat back again and ran his hand over his eyes and then through his bangs, his stomach growled quietly and he grimaced. He was hungry, tired and in a very bad mood…

 _'I wonder how Alphonse is?"_  he sat forward after a moment and opened his desk drawer, shoving some papers and stationary around until he found the paper that had Alphonse's daily lectures printed on it.

"Biochemistry…" Edward read, he'd guessed that was the lecture Al was in right then but double checked in case he was wrong. He'd hoped he was wrong.

He knew that he could only call Alphonse during his anatomy and physiology lectures since his younger brother knew just about all he'd ever need to know about those subjects and always spent the designated times in the university's medical library. Edward hardly ever waited long for the librarian to fetch Al to her reception phone since she always knew exactly where to find him. He looked over the schedule and saw he wouldn't be able to call Alphonse before he left work with his lecture layout as it was.

But the day was almost over anyway and he'd be home soon, he really just wanted to smooth things over with Alphonse right then. The tension in his neck was getting worse and his muscles ached from it.

With a deep exhale Edward dropped the schedule back into his drawer and then slipped his hand into his pocket to retrieve his watch. He looked at the plain face of the silver watch after he flicked the cover open and saw that it was approaching 3 pm.

He closed the watch again and put it back into his pocket, it was not as valuable or intricately created as his State Alchemist watch had been and nowhere near as fancy or expensive as the one he'd bought Alphonse for his birthday but it was a nice tasteful piece that served its purpose.

He blinked a few times tiredly as he glanced over his desk at the scatter of papers, drawing tools, stationary and books, with an inward sigh he rolled his chair in to his desk and started to work on the papers he'd need to give Mustang.

He'd finished his blueprint revisions at work that morning and hoped he could finish the reports before he left work…because he really didn't want to take work home with him again.

* * *

Edward took the steps up to the apartment steadily, he didn't drag his feet or let his usual anxiousness about returning home to his brother…turned lover, bother him. After the night before with Alphonse curled up, sleeping peacefully and happy in his arms, Edward felt a little better.

He was still hungry, he still had work he needed to finish for Mustang, he still had lots of emotional crap to work out and he'd taken a good deal more anger out on the Foreman in his office just before he'd left work but he was looking forward to seeing Alphonse…to kissing him hello after a long day.

 _'Don't think about how sick you are, Edward. Just keep moving forward.'_  He reached the top of the stairs of their floor and walked down the hall to their apartment.

Edward assumed Alphonse was home since it was almost 6 pm so he didn't bother to reach for his keys and just turned the handle down. He didn't have anything excess in his arms since his work papers for Mustang were in his work bag so he had no trouble opening the door and stepping inside…

…and he had nothing to distract his attention from the pair of flat  **woman's**  shoes sitting slightly askew beside Alphonse's black shoes next to the door. Edward stood completely still with his hand on the door handle for a second and then took two steps inside the doorway before his stomach lurched uncomfortably when he heard a woman laugh from down the hall.

Edward frowned slowly and blinked a few times when he heard the laughing even out to a pleasant giggle and then he heard Alphonse's laugh, soft, amused and  _genuine_. Ed lowered his eyes to the floor and took a quiet steadying breath, unable to figure out why he was suddenly so…upset.

Not angry, not jealous, not irritated…just upset. It felt a lot like the feelings of loss he'd experienced after sleeping with Alphonse that first time…except he didn't know what he was losing this time.

Despite the unsettling feeling that flared up, Edward forced himself to focus on being objective and supportive as a brother, because to him, Alphonse was a brother before a lover.

And if Alphonse truly did choose to have a natural, healthy relationship with a woman that made him laugh like that…then Edward would be happy for him…no matter what.

"Well at least it matches my clothes." He heard the woman speak just as he closed the door –quietly-, her tone was amused as well.

Her voice was not high pitched but was still very feminine and she pronounced her words just like Alphonse did, with crisp enunciation and clarity.

"How do I look?" she asked and he heard Alphonse laugh again, slightly louder and again genuinely, Edward experienced familiar butterflies but also felt nauseous at the sound.

He moved to place his bag down and then crouched to unlace his boots enough to slip them off,

"Come here," Edward clenched his fists around the laces of the second boot when he heard his brother say that to her, "let me get it out of your hair before you forget it's there." Alphonse laughed softly…his tone was laced with fondness that made Edward swallow sorely.

He stood slowly and stepped out of his boots quickly, he took a second to compose himself, ignoring his anxiety and the pain in his chest and stomach in order to make his facial expression passive. He walked into the hall as quietly as he could with one metal foot and then he turned and stopped in the kitchen doorway.

His eyes fell on Alphonse's slightly smiling face –directed at the person standing close to him- as he muttered something about 'you threw the peppers'. Ed then trailed his gaze to his younger brother's hands, slender and deft, they were picking green –what Edward assumed were herbs- from the woman's black hair.

She stood close…so close that he was sure Alphonse would have to be pretty familiar to let her stand almost under his chin. Winry was the only girl that had ever been so physically familiar with Alphonse as far as he knew and that was because they'd grown up together. He supposed Mei probably had been like that with the younger blonde too…just like this woman was.

His insides twisted sorely.

Edward looked over them, the table obscured their lower halves but he could see her chest was just a few inches from Alphonse's, her hands hovering over but not actually touching his flanks. Ed looked over her fleetingly, she was thin and had a feminine shape –not straight built like the waitress- this woman had subtle curves, she had long black hair and her skin was fair, fairer than both his and Alphonse's.

He lost interest with her when Alphonse asked her to turn around so he could check the back of her hair, Ed's golden eyes were back on his younger brother and while his face was impassive his chest hurt.

Edward knew that the woman had spotted him as she turned around and he waited the brief second it took for Alphonse to look at him as well.

The flash of shock…and guilt, that crossed the younger blonde's face made Edward's chest ache more. If Alphonse looked that way then Ed could only assume he had something to hide.

"Edward, I didn't hear you come in." Alphonse smiled and Ed knew instantly it was forced and awkward, he knew his brother's smile too well to be fooled by a false version. Alphonse's chosen words made him wonder whether if he'd been just a few minutes later in coming to stand in the doorway…maybe they would have kissed, they'd certainly been standing close enough.

He swallowed sorely as he kept his eyes on Alphonse's ill-concealed discomfort,

"I only just got here…" Ed said honestly in a reasonable tone, the pain in his throat fortunately not giving away his emotional distress.

 _'If this is what Alphonse wants then I won't stand in his way.'_  Edward knew it was the right thing to do for them both, but it was especially for his beloved sibling. He turned his eyes to the nameless raven haired woman…though he assumed he already knew her name.

Now that she was facing him he was able to see her properly…and he was disturbingly annoyed but genuinely approving of how attractive she was. She had fine facial features, dark green eyes and –when she smiled at him suddenly- he found it was disarming and genuine.

"Hi, I'm Elizabeth Dunn. I don't know if Alphonse has mentioned me, I'm a friend of his." She walked toward him and he watched her movements, even as she bumped into a chair, her smile never wavered. The friendliness of her tone made him feel bad because he felt a very deep dislike for her and yet he didn't even know her.

When she offered her hand to shake Edward blinked mildly at her bright smile and her thin, pale hand. He knew it would be childish to ignore her offered hand so he raised his own and as he clasped her smaller hand he could tell he made her nervous since her grip was inconsistent in his light hold.

He managed his own completely fake smile, the one he always used on…well almost everyone,

"Yeah he has, I'm Edward, his older brother." His voice still didn't betray him.

He noticed her hand was soft and warm…and Edward knew that Alphonse would probably prefer hands like that over his own rough and blood stained hands once he experienced them.

 _'If he hasn't already…'_  Edward let her hand go right then as his skin crawled beneath his black shirt…Alphonse deserved innocent soft hands, he knew, but the mental image of Al with this woman did nothing but piss him off.

It was pathetic and irrational to feel that way…and he knew it.

"Yes I know, I was keen to meet the brother Alphonse never has a bad thing to say about." She took her hand back and tucked her hair behind her ears, "I've known many siblings and they always complain about each other, but not Al. I think you might be a saint from the way he talks about you."

Her words didn't give Edward any comfort, knowing Alphonse talked so well about him despite what a bad person and brother he was only made him feel worse. He glanced at the younger blonde and felt a new shudder of inner hurt when Al didn't meet his eyes and turned away rather blatantly.

Guilty…Edward figured he was right about something going on with them that he'd been lied to about.

"I'm no saint I assure you, Elizabeth." He looked back to her, speaking in the friendliest tone he could muster which wasn't much because she blinked at him unsurely, "Alphonse is a far better person than me any day of the week. Are you staying for dinner?" he tried his best to clear the firmness out of his tone.

Elizabeth giggled about their inability to speak badly about each other and then answered his question saying she thought Alphonse would have mentioned she was coming. At that moment he thought about the night before…on the couch and clenched his fists slightly,

"It's fine…" he nodded once as he stepped away from her and walked around the table. "…it's my fault since I'm usually busy with work when I get home and we don't always get to talk."

He didn't want to look at her face anymore, it was making his distress worse. Instead he approached Al's back where he was busy doing something, pretending to be busy.

Edward came to stand beside Alphonse and noticed how the younger blonde suddenly tensed and looked sidelong at him. Ed didn't let the obviously uncomfortable reaction get to him, he reached for the fork Alphonse held and took a firm hold of it,

"Let me finish, Al. You go and keep your friend company." He phrased nicely enough even though his tone was obstinate.

Alphonse let the fork go with slight hesitation and stepped back,

"Alright, thanks Edward." He wasn't hiding whatever he was feeling too well, he sounded confused and he spoke quietly, Ed wondered if he should be worried about what Elizabeth would notice.

But then Alphonse walked away from his side and he decided he didn't want to turn around and try and puzzle out what she might be thinking. He instead focused on what he was looking at, the chicken pieces were half moved over into a casserole dish and the sauce remained in the deep pan. He recognized the dish since Alphonse had made it before and he knew well enough what he needed to do next.

As he moved the last chicken pieces over he became aware of the silence behind him…but there had been no footfalls so he knew they were both still in the kitchen. He frowned but didn't turn around as the silence continued for about a minute. Edward raised an eyebrow curiously when Elizabeth asked rather loudly –and out of the blue- if she could use the bathroom.

 _'Not very smooth.'_  He thought with an inward shake of his head as Alphonse –slightly more accustomed to lying- responded to her in a more natural way.

Ignoring them, Ed left the pan where it was once he'd removed all the chicken and walked over to where he saw the chopping board with a pile of colorful vegetables he identified as chopped peppers on it.

He knew Alphonse was now alone with him in the kitchen and he assumed he knew why the younger blonde had stayed behind after Elizabeth's obvious  _excuse_  to leave the room, Ed wondered what Al could have to say to him? Edward frowned when something crunched under his automail foot as he came to stand at the chopping board, he glanced down and spotted some pepper pieces and parsley littering the floor.

He didn't ask and looked at the peppers, they appeared hacked up but not nearly thin enough to be cooked down nicely so he picked the board up and sidestepped to the sink to wash his hands. He'd just started to chop the peppers –filling the silence- when the bathroom door shut down the hall and within a second Alphonse was standing beside him…close enough that Edward's elbow brushed his mid-section as he chopped.

"I'm sorry Edward, I did actually forget to tell you yesterday." The younger blonde sounded tense and rueful.

For a moment Edward was confused, as much as he didn't necessarily like Elizabeth or their unresolved problems, he didn't see any reason why Alphonse should apologize for not telling him. They shared their home…

 _'Does Alphonse feel like he has to live by rules of some sort?'_  he wondered. Then again, he'd felt the same way after he'd invited Winry to stay without consulting Al first, so he figured it was understandable.

They lived with a secret which they both knew needed to be protected.

He stopped chopping and looked at Alphonse, seeing the uncertainty and worry in the green-gold eyes made Edward feel shittier,

"It's okay Alphonse, I don't see any reason why you can't bring your friends over and you don't need my permission." He said quietly, reassuringly.

Ed looked back to the peppers and continued chopping, unable to look into Alphonse's face for too long. His emotions were a bit raw right then, he was too upset and confused by his feelings about his younger brother and Elizabeth to stare him straight in the eye.

 _'Maybe that's why he couldn't look at me…because he likes her and he doesn't know how to tell me.'_  Edward swallowed slowly, aware of his elbow poking Al gently as he cut the peppers to a finer size.

Alphonse said another hushed apology and his voice sounded strained, Edward didn't like that tone of voice,

"Stop apologizing, you didn't do anything wrong." He said firmly.

Ed put the knife down and picked the chopping board up just when Alphonse whispered his name in a questioning, confused tone. He paused and tried to get his constricting chest to cease aching as he took a deep but quiet breath and placed the board down.

He made himself turn to face his younger brother and meet his eyes,

"Alphonse?" he asked softly, wanting to ease the frown on the younger blonde's face.

"Are you upset?" Al asked quietly.

Edward frowned, disliking having to repeat himself,

"I told you, you don't need my perm-…" he was shaking his head but stopped when Alphonse shook his head too,

"I mean about last night…what happened on the couch." He whispered very quietly.

Edward felt a rush of guilt and anxiousness at the mention of that, he still disliked that he'd kissed Alphonse while the younger boy was asleep. That was so wrong it made him edgy and angry at himself every time he thought about it, no matter how much he tried to justify it, it had been wrong.

Alphonse had been dreaming about him and he'd somehow taken advantage of that, used it as an excuse to kiss the younger blonde just because he'd felt like it. He detested that he  _ever_  felt like it because he wasn't supposed to, even if it was what Alphonse wanted.

It just didn't get any easier to deal with, it was one thing to do it for Alphonse…and another entirely to want it from him.

 _'I'm thinking in circles, I can't start that again…not for a while at-…'_  he realized then that if this girl was Alphonse's girlfriend, he wouldn't have to  **be**  with Alphonse anymore.

Edward didn't acknowledge the hollow feeling left after that thought…even though it made him feel cold.

Alphonse had looked down but when he raised his eyes again Edward looked at him,

"We can't talk about that now." He said stiffly, not wanting it talk about it at all…ever again.

Alphonse sighed,

"I don't really know what happened." Edward felt sick with himself when Alphonse admitted to being oblivious to what he'd done "I know I was dreaming and then you kis-…"

"Alphonse,  **not now**." He stated leaving no room for argument.

He was having a hard time keeping a scowl off his face as his emotions raged and his heart beat loudly in his chest. He swallowed thickly, determined to have some time alone to reign in his emotions,

"You should offer your friend something to drink while I finish din-…" he saw Alphonse lean into him and his breath caught as he moved his head back, "… _hey…what the hell are you doing?"_ he whispered so harshly his vocal cords hurt.

He felt somewhat stunned, at the moment he'd realized Alphonse was going to kiss him it was as if alarms went off in his head. There was  _another_  person in the apartment and they were committing  _incest_. He didn't understand why Alphonse didn't think before he did things…it angered Edward how reckless he was about his own wellbeing.

He didn't want to get caught because he didn't want anything to happen to Alphonse.

"She's in the bathroom, we'll hear her come out…" the younger blonde's voice was hushed and almost pleading "…kiss me please, Edward." He asked.

Edward blinked…Alphonse hadn't asked to be kissed in so long…and he felt his anger wilt. He knew if he didn't get Alphonse to leave he'd probably give in…when asked like that Edward found it very hard to say no. In fact, since his melt down, he wasn't sure he'd ever said no.

He picked up the chopping board quickly, turned and walked across the kitchen, away from his younger brother, not able to deal with the imploring look in his eyes,

"No, Alphonse." he barely managed to get it out of his constricting throat, it came out so quietly.

There was a heavy silence for a moment and Edward reached over and switched the stove back on, right when the bathroom door opened down the hall…

…and Alphonse took an audible –shaken- breath before his footfalls let Edward know he'd left the kitchen.

"Hey, you were in there a while, did you break anything?" in the hall he heard Alphonse's voice, it was light, quiet…and teasing.

"I know where you live now Al, you better stop picking on me." she said back with a teasing tone of her own.

The way they teased, the way she said 'Al' so familiarly and the quiet laugh Ed heard from his younger brother as their conversation faded down the hall…made Edward's insides twist unpleasantly.

It hurt but it was different than the pain he'd experienced when he'd been trying to deal with Alphonse's affliction.

It was insecurity and fear of abandonment that twisted his insides now. It hurt like when he and Alphonse had been little kids and the younger blonde had yelled that he hated Edward right before running out of their father's study. Edward had immediately gone to look for him since the words had hurt him, he'd wanted to apologize for making fun of Alphonse's drawing of a horse and to admit that his own had been no better.

And every hour that went by that he didn't find his younger brother in the fields and farms had hurt more and more.

The hurt was the same right then and slowly the pain in his chest was getting worse, the further away he pushed Alphonse…and in turn he was pushed away.

And this time he knew it wouldn't turn out like it had when they were kids. He'd searched for hours and had been on the verge of tears as darkness approached when their mother had called him home and calmly taken him upstairs by the hand…to where Alphonse had been fast asleep in Ed's bed. His mother had sighed softly and smiled lovingly when she asked if he'd actually seen Alphonse go outside after they argued…Edward had never felt so stupid…or so utterly lost and then relieved to see his little brother asleep soundly and safe.

In the end Alphonse hadn't left him, he'd gone to their bedroom…where he'd fallen asleep in the one place Edward would eventually have found him…after he'd stopped being stupid and looking in all the wrong places.

But things were different now, he was pushing Alphonse away from him, out of his bed as it were and when they did finally fall out, he didn't think Al would be willing to wait any longer for him to stop being stupid.

 _'You were always more level headed than me.'_  Edward sighed as he stirred the peppers into the sauce, the pan was back on the burner and the smell of the food reminded him he was hungry but his unsettled insides weren't too keen on food right then.

* * *

Edward took his time completing the food but it wasn't a lengthy dish to make and twenty odd minutes later he was done. He'd added white wine –and drank two glasses from the bottle afterward- garlic and crushed tomatoes to the sauce just to take a few minutes longer in the kitchen but it didn't help much. When he was done he put the chicken pieces back in the pan and mixed them up with the thick sauce.

He could hear talking and the occasional laugh coming from the lounge but he didn't bother trying to hear what they were saying, he didn't need to hear them talk to each other comfortably and familiarly. It was annoying enough that he'd heard them share some personal joke about her breaking something in the bathroom earlier.

It sent his mind whirring with questions of what personal joke could they share about her in a bathroom…and his thoughts were  **all**  upsetting. He supposed it might be some other sort of joke and he latched on to that idea.

He carried the pan to the kitchen table and placed it down, then he turned and walked to the cupboard to retrieve plates. Edward distracted himself with thinking about whether to eat the meal without any bread rolls or with, since it could be eaten both ways.

He took another look at the pan and decided that it was better without before he crouched down and took out another sealed bottle of white wine from the bottom cupboard where he kept his alcohol. It wasn't a lot and it was hardly ever touched but right then he needed to drink something.

He left the bottle on the table and took out eating utensils and a dishing spoon which he placed atop the plates. Edward picked up the three plates in one hand next and then he lifted the pan by the handle with his other, he took a steadying breath and finally left the kitchen. Edward walked quietly into the hall and heard the conversation a little clearer, they were talking about someone he didn't know.

When he walked in they both looked at him and stood up –they'd been sitting side by side on the three seat couch. Alphonse stepped around the coffee table and immediately reached out to take what was in his hands and Edward let him do so because he had to go and fetch the  **wine**.

He needed it to get through this supper.

When he turned around Elizabeth spoke up,

"Can I help you with anything?" she said pleasantly but he didn't turn around or stop walking away,

"No, its fine." he said dully and walked into the hall.

He knew he was being rude…but Edward never did care whether or not people liked him.

Once back in the kitchen he grabbed three wine glasses, the wine bottle and a cork screw then took another steadying breath as he made his way back to the lounge. Alphonse looked at him again when he entered and Elizabeth smiled at him.

Edward just glanced at both of them, somehow unable to find the energy to be pleasant, it wasn't as if that sort of thing was expected of him in general.

He placed the glasses down along with the wine bottle and cork screw and then sat down…in the single chair.

The opposite of how it had once been, with him next to Winry and Alphonse sitting in that same chair looking at them like he was now looking at Al and Elizabeth.

Alphonse looked at him with an emotion he couldn't read and he met his eyes for a moment before he looked to Elizabeth who was also looking at him,

"This smells delicious, Alphonse didn't tell me you could cook as well." She raised an eyebrow with a smirk, jabbing Al lightly in his side with her elbow and Edward knew instantly she was the sort who teased and joked a lot.

 _'Probably doesn't take anything seriously.'_  He thought as he smiled at her thinly,

"I learn this fancy stuff from Alphonse most of the time."

Alphonse smiled at her too but his small smile was genuine,

"Brother is a very good cook but he prefers to make basic things most of the time." He explained while looking right into her face.

Edward swallowed the rush of burn that shot up into his esophagus as his stomach lurched painfully, if either of them had been looking at him he was sure they'd have noticed the slight loss of color in his face. It was too soon to hear that word ' _brother'_  being used insincerely.

Elizabeth nodded approvingly,

"You two will make two ladies  **very**  lucky someday." She said pleasantly.

The stark silence that followed that statement was unintentional and  **entirely** noticeable.

Elizabeth's smile faded and it was clear she was worried she'd said something wrong.

Alphonse was looking at the table with a small frown on his face and Edward was looking at her impassively, watching as she blinked her dark lashes while looking between them uncertainly. It was only a few seconds but it was a silence that all three of them knewheld significance…and it didn't bother Edward in the least what she made of it, which surprised him.

He was sitting forward with his elbows on his knees and decided he'd snap Alphonse out of the blank stare he was giving the general table area,

"Al, pass me the wine…Elizabeth, help yourself. Between Alphonse and me there'll be nothing left for you if we get stuck in first." He managed a slight grin that time.

Alphonse blinked at his name and managed a small smile at Edward's words as he reached for the wine and handed the bottle to Edward along with the cork screw.

"That's true, the Elric appetite is notorious." The younger blonde managed to say as he leaned back and handed her one of the large white plates.

The dishing of food commenced and besides the clinking of the porcelain dishes with utensils and the pouring of wine it was quiet amongst them.

"I was saying to Alphonse…" Edward had his fork into a few peppers and rich sauce when he looked at Elizabeth since she was obviously speaking to him, "…in my house we  **have**  to eat at the table. We never do anything as adventurous as eating in the lounge on the sofas." She smiled looking from him to Alphonse as she cut and forked awkwardly at the chicken and sauce in the plate balanced on her lap.

He smiled at her attempted humor, even if he wasn't amused and looked back to his food plate which was balanced on his hand, Alphonse held his the same way. She appeared to having difficulty with her food which Edward noticed when he glanced at her while he chewed on his forkful.

He was still sitting forward and he reached for his wine glass, he took a sip and glanced at Alphonse who was eating quite distractedly, not noticing Elizabeth's dilemma. It annoyed Edward because his younger brother didn't seem to be interested in entertaining his guest but it also made him feel bad because he knew –once again- it was his fault Al was upset.

"Al, move the table closer for Elizabeth, she's not used to eating like this." He said evenly.

Alphonse looked up at him and then to her with a frown, she had her eyebrows raised and was only just about to eat the piece of chicken she'd been cutting,

"Why didn't you say anything?" Alphonse asked her in an annoyed tone and she pouted,

"It's no big deal, I feel like I'm living on the edge here. My plate could tip over at any minute, it's exciting." She blinked her green eyes a few times as a smile played on her lips.

Edward watched Alphonse's frown ease and the younger blonde chuckled softly and palmed his face with his free hand, balancing his plate and fork in his other. She laughed as well and when she looked at Edward he smiled at her…genuinely.

She'd made Alphonse laugh so easily...

She was good for Alphonse. And it hurt him…but it was also a good thing. It was the way things should be.

 _'I shouldn't be the only person in his life and I definitely shouldn't be his lover…he's beautiful and pure, he deserves much better and so much more.'_  He thought as he watched Alphonse place his plate down and lean forward to bring the table closer, he was smiling infectiously…at her,

"You're bad enough balancing anything in general, you should stay away from edges period." He teased her.

They shared another personal joke Ed didn't understand.

Edward wasn't hungry anymore –he felt quite sick in fact- but he smiled as he sipped his wine and watched Elizabeth put her plate on the table that was now close to her knees,

"Yes, mother." She rolled her eyes and finally ate the chicken and sauce on her fork, "Hmmm, this is great." She said after chewing and swallowing the bite.

Alphonse narrowed his eyes at her while smirking and then he looked at Edward, the older blonde blinked when the younger's attention was on him, his green eyes twinkling with what Ed assumed was humor and maybe more for his female friend,

"Ed, you used tomatoes didn't you?" he asked knowingly, Ed knew he could taste it in the food.

He didn't trust his voice right then, throat as sore as it was, so he nodded and sipped his wine again and Alphonse looked back to Elizabeth,

"I thought you hated tomatoes." He accused with an amused grin.

She had just sipped her own wine and she raised her eyebrows,

"I do, but your brother's cooking is just that amazing." She said with a smile.

Alphonse shook his head and Edward watched with a growing coldness as Alphonse touched his index finger to her nose and then frowned at his finger tip as though he were inspecting it,

"Is that some brown I see on your nose, Elizabeth?" he asked calmly.

Despite trying to keep her face serious she cracked up with giggles and grabbed his finger in her hand to pushed it away,

"Are you saying it **isn't**  amazing?" she shot back and pursed her smiling lips.

Edward watched Alphonse – almost in a daze- as his younger brother seemed to remember himself, he wiggled his finger out of her hand and turned to look at Ed with a soft gaze that she couldn't see,

"Of course not, it is amazing, it always is…" he said in a sincere but quiet tone that made Edward sip his wine and look into his glass, "…but you  **were** brown nosing." Al said rather flatly after that and then snickered.

Edward glanced at them to see Elizabeth was pinching his arm.

 _'Winry used to do that to me…'_  he thought with an unpleasant feeling of nostalgia.

In a way, seeing them together helped him to confirm that whether Alphonse was aware of it yet or not…the younger blonde  **liked**  Elizabeth. The way they behaved was flirtatious and while Alphonse probably wasn't thinking of it that way – although Edward didn't know that for sure- he would eventually realize what he could have with the attractive young woman who made him laugh.

 _'You've done nothing wrong, you suffered enough, you deserve someone as innocent and free of burden as you are. Someone who makes you laugh and you can laugh with just as freely…I don't make you laugh anymore. I haven't since we were kids.'_ It was the truth.

Alphonse never laughed just because of Edward making him want to, not since before their mother had died. They'd laughed together with people or about things they'd encountered on their journey, they'd laughed with Winry and Pinako, with their military acquaintances sometimes and even Ling many years ago. But…they never laughed when they were alone, not openly and happily, these days it was even hard to smile.

He finished his wine and had practically not touched his food but he couldn't sit there any longer.

He leaned his hands to the table edge and put his plate down along with his glass,

"I have work to do, I have a report due to Mustang in the morning…" he stood making his abrupt excuses and Alphonse's head snapped up to look at him very quickly while Elizabeth blinked and raised her eyebrows. Both of their mouths were full of their meals at that moment so he went on, "…I'll be working in my room. It was nice meeting you Elizabeth, I won't see you when you leave so good night." He said it as an indirect request not to be bothered and nodded to her, she swallowed her food quickly while moving to stand up, probably intending to shake hands.

He waved his hand for her to stay sitting,

"Don't get up." He said calmly.

She sat back down and glanced at Alphonse looking confused then back to him,

"It was nice meeting you too Edward, thank you for dinner. It's a pity you have to work." She smiled in a way that said she was sincerely sorry for him.

Alphonse said nothing, he'd looked back to his plate and hadn't looked up again or said a word, Edward wasn't surprised, he was probably pissed off,

"I'm used to it." He said honestly to her, "I guess I'll see you again sometime."

She nodded enthusiastically,

"Yes, hopefully."

Edward smiled at her, she was definitely an easy person to be around. He glanced at Alphonse in a way he supposed would seem fleeting to her since she was watching them but she didn't know and never would know just what was going on between them,

"Night, Al." he said in the way he always used to, as if they wouldn't see each other again for the night.

"Good night, brother." And he got cold chills when Alphonse did exactly the same thing.

With one last fake smile at Elizabeth he turned and left the lounge, grabbing his work bag from the entrance way before he walked to his bedroom and closed the door quietly behind him.

* * *

He heard the sounds of Alphonse and Elizabeth talking at the main door down the hall and then both voices stopped being audible when the main door closed, it had been an hour or so since he'd left them at dinner.

He finished the report for Mustang about ten minutes later.

He wasn't surprised that Alphonse had gone down with her, knowing Al as he did he assumed the younger blonde wouldn't leave her side until she was securely in a paid for cab.

"Such a gentleman, Al." Edward smiled to himself –even though he was still dealing with ulcer pains from his earlier hurt- as he folded the two page report over twice and slipped it into a crisp vanilla colored letter envelope.

He sealed it and wrote 'General Mustang' on the front.

Then he looked at his neat cursive handwriting on the pristine envelope…and decided it looked too much like a personal letter of some sort. With an annoying heat rising in his face Edward ripped the innocent envelope open, took the report out and squashed the envelope up quickly tossing it into his wastebasket.

That would have been a mistake worthy of some telephonic teasing from Mustang he didn't want to deal with, it was bad enough he'd written the damn report in the standard military format.

Old habits would die hard, he knew.

He shook his head,

"Fucking Mustang." He grouched quietly as the heat slowly left his face. He remembered his unintentional flirting and the way Mustang had laughed that afternoon, it was so creepy to hear such a sound from the older man and it made him feel self-conscious, especially since he knew Mustang was only flirting with him to annoy him since he'd found out Ed was bisexual.

He leaned over and pulled open his bottom drawer to flip through several leaflets and folds until he found a slightly used but not written on docket envelope.

He unfolded the report and slipped it into the formal A4 envelope while glaring at the rest of his letter envelopes on his desk as if his near mistake had been their fault. He leaned over again and slipped the large envelope into his bag next to the papers he'd finished of the construction incident that afternoon.

He sighed and stood up then, Alphonse hadn't come back yet and while it bothered Edward he knew he didn't have to worry about his younger brother's ability to take care of himself, or anyone with him for that matter.

He left his bedroom quietly and walking lazily down the hall where he spotted CookieBoots and picked him up. Edward petted him and scratched behind his ears, smiling as the kitten purred, he pushed Alphonse's bedroom door open with his foot and walked inside.

Minutes later he'd given CookieBoots fresh food and water and he made his way to the lounge, he peered in and saw all the stuff from dinner was still on the table…including the wine which was still just less than half a bottle from when he'd poured the wine earlier.

He walked in and picked up his glass –it was exactly where he'd left it- and then the wine bottle, he gave the table a look over. It was Alphonse's night for dishes, he remembered, so while he felt bad for not being generous enough to do it for him, he wasn't feeling particularly nice anyway, so he walked away from it.

Alphonse was somewhere with Elizabeth right then and even though Edward didn't want to think it, he knew they may very well be downstairs in the lobby making out. At that thought he poured wine into his glass as he left the lounge, filling it almost to the brim before taking a gulp.

Edward made his way back into his bedroom and kicked the door shut with his automail foot once he was inside, he walked to his desk again and placed the bottle down but kept the glass in his hand as he sat down. He pulled a book out from the box right next to his desk, it was one of the books he'd purchased in Creta about atmospheric alchemy.

Creta was by no means an alchemic power or even a country that had an abundance of scientists or alchemists, but they'd had a few over the decades and from their books stores and libraries Edward had acquired some interesting new knowledge to absorb…and some to correct.

So he started reading and continued drinking the wine…

…until he'd finished the little left in the bottle and was half way through the book, already finding many reasons why the theories of the alchemist who published that work were incorrect and had been unstable and unsuccessful.

While he could never again physically do alchemy himself, he had a safe in which he kept arrays, equations, designs and research he'd drawn up and accumulated in recent years, they'd never been tested but they were perfect…

 _'One day I'll give them to Alphonse…'_  he thought with a sad smile as he fiddled with the dog eared end of the page.

He sighed and then frowned when he heard dishes clanking, he focused on it and realized it was coming from down the hall, probably from the kitchen,

"I didn't even hear him get back." Edward muttered to himself as he glanced at the empty wine bottle.

He wasn't anywhere near drunk, it took a hell of a lot of alcohol to get him close to drunk and even when he did reach partial inebriation, it never lasted long. He'd always had a freakishly high metabolism…

But right then he felt well relaxed and warm, he was tired and he hadn't eaten anything all day so he was running on a few hours of sleep and approximately 12.4 percent alcohol.

It wasn't a bad thing to feel relaxed.

Edward listened to the dishes most likely being washed and slowly shifted to lay his head in his folded arms on the desk.

* * *

He didn't think he'd have fallen asleep but he knew he must've because when he felt warm hands on his shoulders and the back of his neck, rubbing in skillful arches and circles over his taut muscles, he had to pull himself from sleep with some effort, his eyelids felt heavy.

The hands on his shoulders continued to massage and Edward exhaled and groaned quietly, it felt good but it also hurt to have his tension rubbed out. Slowly he raised his head from his folded arms before he sat back in the wooden chair. The hands –Alphonse's hands- adjusted to the more accessible lining of his shoulders and started to massage more firmly and deliberately.

Edward leaned his head against Alphonse's midsection and then he tilted his head back and looked up at his younger brother, Alphonse smiled down at him,  
"You shouldn't let your muscular tension get this bad…" he worked out a particularly firm knot as he said that and Edward grimaced and closed his eyes, lowering his head forward again,

"Thanks, Alphonse." he said in an exhale, keeping his eyes closed with head resting against his brother's firm abdomen, he let himself enjoy the massage.

He expected Alphonse to mention his departure from dinner as being rude but minutes passed and nothing was said and Edward realized that the younger blonde was going to let yet another thing slide.

 _'He deserves better…I don't do enough for him.'_  he thought and a frown crept on to his face amidst a lingering grimace from his slowly softening muscle tension.

Edward honestly knew he didn't do enough…and he knew what Alphonse wanted. When he didn't think about all of his own hang ups with the issue, it really was a simple thing to do...it wasn't even unpleasant.

Edward was still –always- trying to sort out his complicated feelings about and toward Alphonse, he didn't know if his uncertainty, fears and guilty conscience would ever let him move past it completely because it seemed to be getting worse. But he knew he had to force himself past it, he had to make the effort to be consistent in their new relationship…he needed to stop hurting Alphonse.

He exhaled slowly and silently willed his ever present conscience to be quiet…

He opened his eyes and swallowed, tasting the sweet wine on his tongue before he leaned forward and moved to stand up facing the younger blonde. Alphonse stepped back slightly when he stood and he looked over him,

"You should change and get into bed, you're tired and it's only just after ten…you'll get a good seven hours of sleep at least…that is, if you're finished with your work." He softly said with a shrug at the end.

Edward blinked slowly,

"I fell asleep because I was bored…" he sighed and also looked over Alphonse while running his hand over his ponytail.

The younger blonde was still dressed into his blue long sleeve cotton shirt and dark blue jeans, his hair looked a bit wind swept –Edward didn't want to think it was untidy for another reason- and Alphonse was smiling at him slightly. Ed was actually tired and sleep sounded great…but things between himself and Alphonse had been in-equivalent for well over a week and he had decided that morning that he needed to smooth things over and play his part.

He didn't think about Elizabeth and Al right then, he decided to treat their situation as if it hadn't changed, so until Alphonse told him otherwise, he would do his best to step up as a lover.

Deciding that he stepped closer to Alphonse and closed the small gap between them, his hand easily rested on Al's hip as he leaned in with practiced eased to kiss the younger blonde, licking his lips right before he pressed a wet kiss to Al's cool lips.

Alphonse seemed a little thrown by the movement, Edward supposed it was justified since his actions were sudden and unusual…it was usually Alphonse who initiated contact and Ed had done it twice in two days.

Edward felt wrong about…behaving this way with Alphonse, but he was tired of letting Alphonse do all the work, he was disappointed in himself for making his younger brother try so hard for what Ed had promised to give him.

Ed kissed Alphonse a few times – and the kisses were returned hesitantly- as his hand on the younger blonde's hip slipped under his shirt and caressed slowly upward along his smooth side until Edward was able to brush his thumb over Alphonse's nipple slowly.

The younger blonde made a sound that conveyed many things he was probably feeling, it was breathy and sort of like a questioning 'hm' sound. Edward responded by biting Al's bottom lip gently before slipping his tongue past his warming lips.

Alphonse shivered so hard that Edward felt it under his hand and the younger blonde's breath hitched into his own mouth. Al's hands came up slowly and gripped Ed's shoulders lightly while the older blonde continued to play with Al's now firm nipple, Ed pinched it gently and sucked on his younger brother's tongue slowly.

Alphonse trembled slightly and leaned in to him…wanting more…so Edward obliged.

…Edward forced his conscience away as he brought his other hand around Al's waist and downward, where he firmly pressed his hand to and groped Alphonse's rear. The hands on his shoulders squeezed tighter and Alphonse arched into him so their bodies were pressed together and their tongues crossed into each other's mouths slowly and deeply, their breathing slowly becoming louder and deeper.

Edward felt himself getting hard quite quickly, his mind providing him images of what was to come since he was so sinfully familiar with Alphonse's naked perfection. He kissed Alphonse harder and groped him firmer which earned him a moan and arms wrapping around his neck.

As Al moaned into his mouth and made the first of his breathy pleasured noises that turned Edward on so much, Ed realized he was experiencing the familiar feeling of possessiveness already…just holding and kissing Alphonse.

And the feeling became stronger as Edward drew back from the lengthy kiss and saw his beautiful brother slowly open his eyes, his hair was still untidy for  _whatever_  reason, his lips pink and slightly wet and his cheeks faintly flush. Edward ached with arousal at the site but also still ached with hurt when thinking of how Alphonse had laughed and smiled with Elizabeth.

He knew then he was in a lot deeper than he should have ever been.

 _'I'm in love with you…'_  Edward would never say the words aloud, it'd be the same thing as acknowledging just how sick he was to fall in love with his younger brother…to want him…and yet still…Edward knew he would let Al go if that's what Alphonse wanted… **because**  he loved him so much.

Right then though…Alphonse was in his arms trembling lightly and breathing deeply against his own lips, his green-gold eyes filled with apprehension and uncertainty that Edward didn't understand at first. But when he thought about it, he realized Alphonse was probably unsure of where this was heading.

With that thought Edward once again forced his disapproving conscience back and let himself treat Alphonse like a lover. He smirked playfully against Al's lips and he watched Alphonse's eyes lower to look at his lips as the younger blonde swallowed audibly… nervously.

Edward very slowly –after a final caress over Al's nipple- slid his hand downward and turned it so that his knuckles grazed lightly over his younger brother's firm abdomen until he reached the waist of Alphonse's jeans. He let only his fingers slide beneath the hems of the jeans and the boxers.

He shifted his fingers and felt vaguely disturbed by how much it aroused him when his finger's skimmed over the curls of Alphonse's natural dark blonde pubic hair. He exhaled slowly and kissed Alphonse's lips as his arousal steadily raised his heart beat and fully hardened his cock,

"Alphonse…" he brought his other hand up and he held Alphonse's neck with it as he kissed him a few times roughly and wetly.  
"Hm?" Alphonse managed the hesitant sound in between as he kissed back eagerly, still trembling and breathing heavily, his hands also holding Edward's neck as he pressed himself against Edward bodily.

"You wanna…" he kissed the younger blonde slowly before pausing, "…have sex?" and then he kissed Alphonse again. He'd said the last word low and suggestively and proceeded to tease the younger blonde's tongue with his own as he started to fiddle with Al's belt, not really requiring an answer.

The younger blonde –unable to speak while being kissed- almost stumbled backwards when Edward took a step forward, intending to move them back towards the bed. Alphonse made a noise that almost sounded like disbelief before Edward gave him a moment to talk by kissing his lips only,

"Aah, yeah…yes…" Al said breathlessly and Edward quickly assaulted his mouth with another deep kiss.

They were almost to the bed and Alphonse was showing twice as much enthusiasm now that Edward had confirmed for him they would be together that night…

…that was until the younger blonde drew back from the kiss quickly and his hands grasped Ed's shoulders firmly to stop him. Al stopped walking backwards making Edward stop too and he saw that Alphonse was staring at something past his shoulder.

He frowned at Alphonse's tense and almost disappointed expression,

"What's wrong…?" even to his own ears he sounded husky, his voice thick with his sexual arousal.

He would probably cry about his behavior later when it was over but right then he didn't want to let his conscience take over. To distract himself from just that he caressed the skin beneath Alphonse's shirt slowly with both hands, feeling the warm skin break out into tiny sensitive flesh bumps as he did so.

"Edward…" Alphonse said softly and looked into Ed's face again, "…you were drinking after I left?"

Edward blinked slowly at the random question and nodded slightly,

"Yeah…" he answered quietly, not seeing a reason to deny it and his hands still caressed Al's skin as he leaned forward and bit Al's bottom lip with his teeth. Alphonse pursed his lips before Ed could suck the tender bite,

"How much…are you drunk?" Alphonse swallowed slowly and frowned.

Edward shook his head and tried not to frown at the quiet accusing tone of Al's voice,

"No…I'm not drunk." He blinked slowly, "Maybe just a little uh…very slightly tipsy." He said honestly and softly since he did feel extremely warm, calm and relaxed…and sleepy.

Alphonse's frown left his face and he sighed sadly. Edward frowned in confusion when the younger blonde stepped back from him slowly and he started to redo his zipper, button and belt buckle that Ed had been single handedly getting off,

"Al, wha-…" Edward started, sincerely confused but Al cut him off shaking his head as his buckle clinked,

"The last time you acted this bold with me was New Year's night when you'd been drinking. You came on to me in the lounge that night just like now, teasing and touching me and acting just as…well the way you're acting now," he sounded somewhat bitter, " **smiling**  and  **talking** to me like that." Al sighed shakily and shook his head again.

Edward didn't actually remember  _every_  detail about that night since he'd had quite a bit more alcohol in his system that night than right then, he just knew he'd discovered he could get it up for Alphonse and had acted on it, beyond that the details were vague.

If he tried hard enough he knew he could probably remember it…but he didn't really want to, that entire night hadn't been great for him.

"You…don't like it?" Edward felt strangely aggravated as he started to question and doubt his bold advances, he'd thought this was how Al wanted it, he clenched his jaw and averted his gaze as he stepped back slightly from Alphonse.  
"Oh no, I like it very much…" Al said softly and sincerely, Ed looked at him with a frown but his irritation wilted at the deeply sad look Al was giving him, "…but I'd like it to be you  _completely sober_  coming on to me like that, not being spurred on by a lack of sleep, anger and substance induce lowered inhibitions."

Edward ran his hand over his mouth as he narrowed his eyes at Al in confusion, he placed is other hand on his hip,

"Anger?" he asked quietly.

Alphonse regarded him with the lingering sadness in his eyes,

"I've been watching you all my life, I may not be very good at determining your less expressed emotions…but I know all the faces and physical tells of your anger far too well." He said surely.

"I'm not angry." Ed shook his head, voice strained, his growing ulcer burning as his anxiousness built and he realized that he did in fact feel angry on some level.

Alphonse sighed dismissively,

"Will you at least sleep in the bed with me tonight?" he ran a hand through his short hair.

At those words Edward definitely felt angry, if he hadn't been completely aware of it before he certainly was now.

Sure he was  _irritated_ by the sheer thought of Elizabeth and the general shit party that was his life…but he hadn't felt so angry until right then…he'd just been hurt.

" **At least?"** Ed asked gruffly, "You say that like I didn't just ask you to have-…" he didn't finish his sentence and instead inhaled deeply, clenched his eyes and jaw and looked away from Alphonse. He knew anything he had to say would make it worse, he always said the wrong thing. When he looked back to Alphonse, the younger blonde looked like he was about to cry and  _once again_  it was all Ed's fault,

"I want to Edward, I really do…but…rather when you haven't been drinking." Al's tone was quiet but in some small way, bitter.

"What fucking difference does half a bottle of wine make!?" Ed snapped at his younger brother.

"It makes you do things you wouldn't do, especially since you're tired and you didn't eat anything…you're not doing this soberly." Alphonse said quietly instead of yelling back, apparently he was not in the mood to argue.

This wasn't the first time Alphonse had turned down sex, it was a rare occurrence though and had only happened twice before, once when Al had been feeling flu-ish and another when he'd been upset because Edward hadn't wanted to do it on the couch. Both times hadn't really bothered Edward  _at all_  aside from feeling sort of bad for Alphonse but right then he was very annoyed with it.

He watched the younger blonde with narrowed eyes as Al turned around and moved toward the bed.

Because despite still feeling sick, hurt and confused by everything that had happened in the past two days he'd shoved his unsettled feelings and his guilty conscience aside to do what he'd promised Alphonse… and now he was being rebuffed just because he'd been drinking minimally and it made him a little bolder.

It  **pissed**  him off and his anger –as it always did- made him want to act like a right bastard, which he honestly was and most people who knew him well knew that about him, Alphonse certainly knew it even though it was never directed at him. But right then the nastier side of Edward wanted to  **remind**  Alphonse that he **wasn't**  even supposed to be  **fucking** his  **younger brother**  in the first fucking place, let alone be following  **rules**  of how to go about doing so!

Instead of saying that, thinking he could keep his bubbling rage in check, he said,

"You didn't have a problem with it the last time…" Edward said lowly, he didn't remember being pushed off on New Year's when he'd ' _come on'_  to Alphonse, in fact now that he thought about it, he remembered the younger blonde had  _wanted_  to have sex right then and there.

He heard Al sigh before the he finished pulling the sheets back and turned around to face Ed. The exasperated sound of that sigh mixed badly with Ed's anger and before he could stop himself his ire spilled into very ugly territory, "…or the time **before**  that, when it fucking  _suited_  you." He said gruffly and then turned away from his younger brother sharply…

…immediately he was filled with painful regret at his hurtful words and he swore at himself violently in his mind as he stared at the tiles.

"The time before that…?" Alphonse asked quietly, confusion tainting his voice.

Edward closed his eyes tightly and worked his jaw for a moment as he crossed his arms over his chest, his back was facing Alphonse so the younger blonde couldn't see his guilt face,

 _'Why the_ _ **fuck**_ _would I say that to him, why would I bring that up…what the hell is wrong with me?'_  he shook his head, wishing he had more control over his temper. He could only hope that Alphonse wouldn't understand the vague reference to their first time drug induced sex,

"Forget I said anyth-…"

"Oh." Was all Alphonse said next, a note of quiet realization in his tone.

Edward frowned and tears quickly working their way to his eyes…of course Alphonse wasn't stupid, Edward should have expected the younger blonde would catch on to what he'd been referring to.

"O-oh..." Alphonse said again, the breath that followed the stunned stutter was shaken to the core.

Edward opened his wet eyes and forced himself to turn around,

"Al I…" he inhaled quickly at the wide eyed look Alphonse was giving him, tears already slipping down his cheeks freely and his face was pale, "…Alphonse, please, I'm sorry…I don't know why I said that…please forget it, I'm sorry…" he stepped toward Alphonse but the younger took an unsteady step back while shaking his head slowly and he closed his eyes.

Another step back and Alphonse bumped into the bed and he half fell, half sat down on the edge, his hands clutching the sheet and mattress tightly either side of him as he cried freely. His shoulders started to shake with strained sobs for what Edward just  _knew_  was guilt, a feeling he'd lived with all his life but one that Alphonse wasn't used to.

Edward was crying now too, almost absently as he watched his brother shake so badly that his voice broke from his choked out sobs. Al's whole body was shaking in a way it hadn't in months…it was caused by the sort of repressed pain that never really went away, another feeling Edward was familiar with.

 _'I made him cry.'_  Edward admitted to himself, he was disgraced by his own spiteful words.

Alphonse slowly put his elbows on his knees and he placed his head in his hands shaking miserably…

…and slowly the silence was consumed by his heart wrenching sobs.

Edward's regret for his words grew physically painful at the sound and he felt like he couldn't breathe properly,

"I'm s-sor-ry A-al-f-phonse…" he started shaking as well.

He stepped closer and lowered himself to the floor just in front of Alphonse.

On his  **knees**  he breathed another pathetic apology and then he closed his trembling lips and started crying without restraint.

"I'm…sorry…Al…phonse…" he choked out again as he punched the tile beside him forcefully and cracked it. A dull throb of pain shot into his hand but he didn't pay attention to it, he just remained on his knees and made no move to touch his trembling brother.

He continued to apologize quietly…but for  _intentionally_  hurting Alphonse, he knew he didn't deserve to be forgiven.

* * *

It was about fifteen painful minutes later when Alphonse's sobs finally died out completely, he was obviously spent by that point. Edward was kneeling back on his legs just in front of him still, his legs were numb from the position and he had his head hung as he stared at Alphonse's white socked feet.

Edward had stopped crying a while before, the skin over his knuckles had broken slightly and was raw but he barely felt it…the pain he was dealing with right then was the guilt and disgrace he still felt for what he'd said and caused. He wouldn't leave Alphonse's side though, not for a second and not unless he was told to. He heard another sniff from the younger blonde and he blinked slowly, his slightly puffy eyes burned since he hadn't blinked for a while.

"Edward…" Alphonse's voice was a soft croak.

Ed snapped his head up and he felt tears burn at his eyes the minute he laid eyes on Alphonse's puffy eyes and the blotchy redness of his face,

"Yeah?" he croaked back, wanting to comfort Al but not daring to touch him.

He watched as Alphonse shakily wiped the wetness from his face with his long sleeves,

"I'm s-so s-sorry…" his voice trembled.

Edward eyebrows drew together and upwards and he clenched his fists, he was worried he'd only make things worse so he didn't just blurt anything out,

"F-for what, Alphonse you didn-…"

"I'm sorry for w-what I did to you, I'm sorry I m-manipu-lated you into th-is…"

"…Alphonse  _stop_  it,  _please_. Don't…" Edward spoke over Al's broken breathy words and stopped himself short of grabbing one of the younger blonde's hands.

Hearing his younger brother admit to manipulating him was a little more painful than he'd thought it'd be, since he'd known it all along but hadn't had it confirmed…it cut him quite deeply.

"Y-you love me, all you've  **ever**  done is love me…" the younger blonde went on and his throat was tensing with the effort he made to get his words out as his sobs choked his speech, "…I'm so f-fuck-ing selfish…and by being selfish I've made you as  **sick**  as, as I am-…" he placed his face in his hands again and clenched his teeth as more tears fell.

"Stop it,  **please** , Alphonse." Edward reached out and finally gripped one of Alphonse's forearms lightly.

It was all he could say to Alphonse's confession…since the pained words the younger blonde spoke were  **true**. So true and so honest. Edward didn't want to hear any more of it though…it was tearing him apart to listen to.

Alphonse slowly removed his face from his hands and looked at Edward when he touched his arm and Ed slid his hand up so he was holding his wrist gently. Alphonse looked at his hand and then he slowly moved his own hands from his tear streaked face.

Edward blinked a few relieved tears from his eyes as Alphonse slowly took his hand into his own two and rubbed gentle circles over the back of his hand with his thumbs, sniffing and staring at their hands.

Ed licked his tear salty lips as he stared up at Alphonse,

"I shouldn't have said that…" he breathed, "…I'm sorry."

Al shook his head slightly and squeezed his hand,

"It doesn't matter what you said, that's not the issue. The problem is that we're brothers, Edward." He said in a soft but bitter tone.

Edward hated hearing those words, he'd never thought of their brotherhood as a problem but as he'd suspected, Alphonse had negative feelings toward it.

 _'He called me brother in his sleep…but consciously…he thinks of it as a problem because…'_  Ed swallowed sorely,  _'…because it is a problem for me and makes it hard for me to be with him.'_

He blinked out of his thoughts when Alphonse gently released his hand,

"I'm tired, I'm going to bed." He said flatly.

Edward nodded numbly, not having anything to say that would make a difference, so he got to his feet slowly and painfully…his right leg and left thigh were cold and sore from the lack of proper circulation and his right knee and ankle felt stiff.

He ran his hands over his face and when he looked at Alphonse he saw the young blonde laying down on their shared bed in his spot near the wall, Edward frowned lightly and turned around.

In a few –pins and needled – steps he'd switched the bedroom light off and after another few he was back at the bed where he lay down in his own place…

* * *

Edward hadn't remembered to set his alarm clock before he'd passed out in bed…

…so after waking up in a sandy eyed, head aching daze at 7.14, taking a quick shower, grooming himself hastily, dressing and skipping breakfast –missing yet another meal- he was leaving the apartment at a quarter to 8.

Alphonse had yet to get out of bed by the time he was ready to leave and Edward didn't want to wake him if he were asleep…also, he didn't want to face him in case Alphonse was still angry or upset.

Edward didn't feel like he had the strength that morning to deal with yelling or crying.

"Shit…" he grouched irritably as he rushed down the stairs to the lobby while putting his bag strap on his shoulder, "I'll have to call Must-…" he trailed off his grumbling as he stopped near the bottom of the final flight of stairs. He frowned at the sight of a familiar tall blonde man in military uniform standing in the lobby.

"Hey Boss…" Havoc spotted him then from where he stood at reception and waved lazily, then he smiled brightly and said something to the woman at reception before turning and walking in Ed's direction.

Edward glanced down so he didn't miss a step and when he reached the bottom Havoc walked up to him,

"Went to the site but you weren't there so I figured you probably over slept…" Havoc grinned and slipped his hands into his pants pockets.

Edward narrowed his eyes as he adjusted his bag,

"You figured that?"

Havoc grinned and nodded,

"Yeah, you know some things never change. I had to pick you up from the military barracks a lot when you over slept after missions back in the day, Ed." He chuckled but Ed could tell the older man was taking in his hurriedly dressed and tired appearance.

"Except back then I did it intentionally to piss Mustang off…" Edward started walking again and ran a hand over his ponytail, "…this time I forgot to set my alarm."

"Rough night, Boss?" Havoc fell into step with him.

"I'm not your military superior anymore Havoc, you should stop calling me that." Edward glanced at the older man as they crossed the lobby walking toward the exit.

"I never got used to calling you Edward since you took off right after you resigned." He shrugged.

Edward was glad he'd managed to change the subject so easily and avoided the question about the previous night. Once they stepped outside Havoc lit up a cigarette immediately, Edward stopped on the stairs outside the building entrance half way down. He opened his bag and pulled out the documents and envelope for Mustang as Havoc stopped beside him,

"This is what you were supposed to pick up." He handed the documents to Havoc, who left his cigarette in his mouth and took the papers with a frown as the smoke rose upward into his eyes,

"Yeah?" he spoke around the cigarette, "The chief said I had to pick  _you_  up."

Edward's eye twitched and he closed his bag,

"Hell fucking no, I'm not in the mood to deal with Mustang…I never am actually." He exaggerated his dislike for Mustang as he usually did.

Havoc smirked,

"Just like old times…except now I can't tell you it's an order from him, cause he ain't your C.O anymore." He raised his eyebrows and took the cigarette from his mouth with his free hand, exhaling his smoke thoughtfully as he glanced at the papers and envelope he held.

"Damn right, tell him to call me  **only**  when he's sorted out the papers for the construction delay." Edward said stiffly, "Later Havoc." He added with a lazy wave over his shoulder as he walked the rest of the way down the stairs.

He was just about to get caught up in his personal thoughts when he felt a hand on his shoulder, he clenched his teeth and his fists in his jeans pockets when he stopped walking and looked at Havoc,

"Hey Ed, lemme at least give you ride to work…since I'm here anyway."

Edward rolled his eyes and glared mildly at the taller man,

"Why is it that everyone in that bastard's office will do anything to avoid being at work." He said knowingly.

Havoc grinned,

"We learned from the best, the chief himself, and besides you weren't exactly different when you worked with us." He pointed out and gestured with a thumb to the military car parked across the street.

Edward wasn't about to turn down a free lift so he nodded and crossed the street with Havoc,

"I was a field alchemist, paper work wasn't part of my duties…as far as I was concerned." He smirked, since paper work had in fact been part of his work load.

Havoc chuckled as he puffed on his cigarette,

"Face it Ed, we're all the same, the General's just the worst of us." He opened the driver's side door and got in.

Ed walked to the passenger side and got in as well.

He didn't respond to Havoc's statement and there was no talking for a while as they drove, he ran his fingers through his slowly drying bangs and then ran his hand over the length of his ponytail out of habit. His stomach was hurting consistently and badly, he hadn't eaten in about 24 hours on top of the lingering anxiety he'd experienced from the night before and the stress was steadily making his ulcer act up.

"So, how's Alphonse?" Havoc was lighting another cigarette while they were stopped at a red light.

Edward glanced at him and took a quiet breath when he thought of how he'd once again left the apartment as quietly as possible so he didn't wake Alphonse up…

…after the night before, waking up bone weary and emotionally exhausted he hadn't been in a good enough mental state to face Alphonse who would be feeling much the same…and possibly worse.

"He's fine." Edward lied flatly and scratched his cheek absently before placing his hand over his mouth and leaving it there, staring out of the window as they pulled off from the red light.  
"And you?"

Edward turned to look at Havoc who glanced at him evenly,

"I'm fine…" he said abruptly and then realized the question had been asked out of politeness, "…uh, what about you?" he asked back somewhat awkwardly, he wasn't used to asking things like that and it sounded odd coming out of his mouth.

Havoc thought so too because his eyebrows rose in surprise,

"Me, yeah, I'm good…uh, thanks." He smiled awkwardly.

Edward nodded just as awkwardly and they sat in a strange confusing silence for a while until they were near the site and Havoc spoke again,

"Hey Boss, uh Ed…" he tossed his cigarette butt out of the window carelessly and exhaled the last of the smoke.

"Hm?" Edward didn't look at him.

"You ever think of coming back to the military?"

Edward turned his head slowly to glare at Havoc and the man leaned away from him slightly, glancing nervously between him and the road ahead as he laughed skittishly,

"I'm just asking…no need to look at me like that." He grinned warily.

Ed shook his head,

"Tell Mustang I said nice try but the answer is still 'no'…and tell him he's a bastard."

Havoc nodded quickly,

"Will do." He smiled, obviously amused, "But not the last part, he's still my superior." He tapped his fingers on the steering.

Edward just ignored him and placed his hand over his stomach as it ached and burned, they turned a corner and slowly Havoc pulled up along the curb near the construction site entrance gates.

"Thanks." Ed grunted once they came to a complete stop and he opened the passenger door and got out,

"No problem, see ya Ed. Oh and if you don't uh, mind, I'm gonna tell the chief I insisted you come to HQ." he smirked around the cigarette he was currently lighting.

Edward glanced at him,

"Yeah sure, tell him I threatened to break a limb of yours or something if you didn't shut up…he'll believe that." he managed a smirk at the older man right before he shut the car door and turned. He gave a final wave over his shoulder as he crossed the street and walked into the construction site, not looking back when he heard a honk of the car horn and the sound of Havoc driving away.

With a heavy sigh Edward walked across the sandy grounds, he knew all too well he wouldn't get through this day without yelling at someone…

…since he was unable to stop thinking of Alphonse and what had happened between them the night before. Because he knew without a doubt…that something had changed.

* * *

Edward left work an hour early that afternoon, he hadn't been in the mood to hang around the construction site especially since the work load had been delayed over almost half of the project area and there were more excess people loitering than people doing work.

He had been feeling physically better since he'd eaten a big lunch from the delicatessen down the street so his ulcer was no longer eating away at his stomach lining. But then Mustang had called him to complain about Edward not  _visiting_  him _,_ paperwork and Hawkeye's slave driving ways…while effortlessly slipping in some superficial flirting and a comment that Ed was still trying to determine whether or not had been a short joke.

He'd only been mildly irritable with Mustang's good mood though…it was when the older man had brought up the fact that Edward had a 'date' that night that he'd paled just slightly and felt physically ill all over again.

Edward had remained uneasy for the rest of the call and had grimaced when Mustang ended their conversation with an almost too pleasant 'Remember to tell her you still respect her after you sleep with her' before he hung up…as he usually did after saying something annoying.

Edward would love to have strangled Mustang for how furious he was at that comment, not so much because of the comment itself but because being reminded of his 'date' made him feel ridiculously ill and guilty.

That's when he'd had the strong urge to go home and see if Alphonse –at the very least- did not hate him…

His paranoia escalated quickly and he had started to worry about his younger brother leaving his selfish, wretched, thoughtless excuse for an existence by moving out or something which had prompted him to leave work early.

He strode through the apartment building doors, not bothering to smile at anyone he passed because he never did. He focused across the lobby at the stairs as he approached and raised his eyebrows when he saw Alphonse just starting to walk up the stairs.

He quickened his pace,

"Hey, Al." he called out, making a few people look his way but he didn't acknowledge them.

Alphonse paused with his feet on different stairs and turned half way round to look back at him…Al didn't smile.

Edward was smiling, if only just, and he continued to do so once he reached the stairs and skipped two to be level with Alphonse,

"Hey." He said again as they slowly started to ascend together.

Alphonse was in step with him,

"Hey…you're home early." He said softly and didn't look at Edward.

The older blonde felt a twinge of pain in his chest as he turned his eyes away from Al's stoic side profile and he watched the stairs as they climbed,

"Yeah…"  _'I wanted to make sure you weren't going to leave me, I need to know if you're okay, if we're oka_ y.' He thought but didn't say since there were people descending the stairs as they climbed.

Alphonse glanced at him and after another flight of steps in silence they both turned to walk down the corridor to their apartment. Edward took his keys out first when they reached the door, he unlocked it and opened it, pushing it inwards before he stepped aside and gestured with his head for Alphonse to go in first.

Al did so, just barely sparing him a glance and Ed followed in right after and shut the door softly. When he turned again Alphonse had placed his bag down and was slipping his shoes off, his facial expression carefully patient.

As if he were trying to…tolerate Edward's presence.

"S-so Al, how was campus today?" Ed tried to breach the invisible tension between them as he placed his bag down…noticing when he stepped closer to the younger blonde during that action Al subtly shifted away.

"I didn't go to campus, I wasn't feeling up to it." He answered flatly.

Edward crouched down to unlace his boots, he looked up to say something only to see Alphonse turn and disappear into the hall, he frowned and swallowed sorely at the lump easily forming in his throat.

He finishing taking off his boots and he placed them beside Alphonse's shoes before he walked down the hall, he stopped outside the closed bathroom door since he'd heard it close and knew the younger blonde was in there. The cold shoulder Alphonse was giving him was scaring him…

He leaned against the wall for a minute while he listened to the toilet flushing and the taps running for a short while before the door opened and Alphonse stepped out. Al glanced at Edward and started to walk past, Ed was about to say something when Al stopped on his own and turned to face him,

"What is it?" he asked in a tone Edward felt was rude.

Ed didn't show how the tone had hurt him as he folded his arms across his chest, trying to keep the misery he was feeling at Al's treatment toward him off his face,

"Are you okay? What did you do today?" he asked quietly and unobtrusively.

Alphonse sighed softly, still seemingly being patient,

"Yes I'm fine, I went to the library, I wanted some time alone." He said in an annoyed tone.

It cut Edward deeply to be spoken to in that tone, so much so that it felt like something was clawing inside his throat as his emotions raged unseen.

He tried to force his face to remain inexpressive but he couldn't help frowning sadly,

"Okay. I hope…you uh, feel better now." He said quietly as the clawing feeling made him clench his hand since it moved to his chest.

"Thanks." Alphonse turned and walked down the hall…into his own bedroom and he  **closed**  the door.

Edward heard the click as it shut and the finality of it tugged at his insides painfully, his expression turned to one of deep hurt now that he was alone. The way Alphonse was acting was different than his usual moody attitude, he was being cold…his eyes were even cold…

The apartment felt cold…and so quiet all over again.

Edward raised his lightly shaking hand from where it was tucked in against his chest and he roughly rubbed it over his mouth as he clenched his jaw and closed his eyes, the onslaught of pain and emotions were slowly going to break him down again, he could feel it.

He had nothing to distract himself with.

He didn't know what this new treatment from Al meant, he didn't know how what he'd said had affected Alphonse either and he didn't know if the younger blonde felt differently toward him after the previous night…he just didn't know what to do.

 _'Maybe I should just wait…eventually he'll say something, or do something, maybe he just needs some space.'_  Ed nodded to himself stiffly, not really believing that 'space' would make anything better but not knowing where else to start.

He'd wanted to push Alphonse away –a while back- as a lover but never as brother. But now he was worried because he'd fucked up again and he feared he might have ruined both relationships…because whether he wanted to admit it or not, they went hand in hand.

He felt very queasy right then and he licked his dry lips,

"Space, I'll give him space…he obviously wants to be alone." He mumbled in a strained voice into his hand. If it was what Alphonse wanted, Edward would do his best to give it to him.

* * *

Edward was sitting at his bedroom desk staring at the large array he'd just drawn out on a blank sheet of drafting paper. After Alphonse had closed himself into his bedroom Edward went into his own and had continued reading the book he hadn't completed the night before.

He'd spent the first hour or so correcting some of the chemical and structural errors of the researcher's work and ended up with two pages full of coded mathematical and chemical equations that he'd have to lock away with his other work. He'd thought about leaving it at that but then he'd decided to work on an array for one of the ideas he'd had while reading the book.

He was looking at the array three hours later.

It was an array to transmute lightening by rapidly cooling the immediate air to below freezing point and using the human body's electrical energy to charge the cooled air and create an electrical field from the colliding iced air particles… until electricity would be produced and ably manipulated by the alchemist's will and ability.

It would depend on the size of the array and the skill of the alchemist just how dangerous such a transmutation would be but the array itself was a bad idea because it could really only be used as a weapon.

He wondered only briefly why he'd thought up such an idea…

"Maybe I'm finally losing it…" he muttered as his pen clattered to the desk and he ran his hands over his face with a sigh.

Being dangerous didn't make it any less beautiful…the lines were flawless, the structural foundation seamless…the equation sound and the runes and text immaculate. He didn't smile as he stared at his work because he knew he shouldn't have drawn out such an array and he knew now he'd have to burn it.

The idea made him feel so totally and completely miserable. He couldn't even test it first…

He had no more alchemy…and now he was sure he was losing the person he'd given it up for.

Soon…he truly feared…he'd have nothing left and unlike his alchemy, losing Alphonse –again- would  **kill**  him. Literally or figuratively, he didn't know.

Edward held his breath and stood up slowly, he leaned on the desk and stared down at the array paper that took up almost the entire space of his medium sized desk. He'd cleared the space by moving all the books and papers to the floor beside the desk and chair…he'd been so caught up he'd hardly realized he'd done it until right then.

He let out his breath and traced his fingers over the symbols inked into the fine paper…

As a slight desperation and yearning filled him, he raised his shaking hands in front of his chest and with a quick breath and the clarity of immeasurable knowledge flowing through him he focused his mind within a second on a basic harmless array and he clapped his hands together sharply…

…but the high pitched sound that usually signified the alchemical circle in his mind had formed within himself and was ready to be used…did not ring out and…he felt absolutely nothing.

Neither the heat nor the rush of power and light in his veins and most importantly, not the feeling of lifting off the ground and being boundless and limitless for a few moments…none of it was present.

And he was just a fool…clinging to the past.

He lowered his still shaking hands and quickly rolled the large paper up until the array was hidden inside before he picked up the equation papers as well and walked to his wardrobe. He pulled the end door open and knelt down, placing the papers down to reach in and unlock the safe at the bottom of the wardrobe.

It was a standard safe that any decent alchemist could get inside of if they wanted to.

But it didn't matter because everything in it was heavily encoded and also wouldn't necessarily make sense to anyone who didn't possess the Gate's extensive knowledge. All of his work was all for Alphonse, when Edward was ready to tell the truth about his alchemy, he'd hand over his research and finally be able to watch his work come to life by the hands of his brother.

When he was ready.

He turned the dial for at least a minute as he entered the combination which was very long and very complicated. He tried not to think of how he was kneeling on the floor as he had been the night before…after he'd made some very bold sexual advances on Alphonse and been turned away because the younger blonde assumed he'd been intoxicated.

Edward didn't think about how Alphonse would feel if he found out Ed's actions had been completely uninfluenced by alcohol and worse were encouraged by his own sexual frustration and desire.

Because he was never going to tell him so…just like he'd never tell Alphonse what had happened on the couch.

He opened the safe and slipped the papers inside and then he considered the rolled up array for a moment.

 _'I'll burn it some other time…'_  he sighed and grimaced as he flattened the paper roll and folded it twice in order for it to fit in the safe.

The safe held other array's, which unlike the one he'd just done, were harmless. Drawing up arrays was just one of his few things he could do that helped him to unwind. It was a way for him to break away from…reality.

It was either that, alcohol or fighting.

And Edward had never been much of an alcohol enthusiast, he had his likes and dislikes when it came to certain alcohol but he didn't drink often and when he did he hardly ever overindulged. Though in recent months he'd been tempted especially since life was peaceful for him now… so fights just didn't present themselves as easily as they used to.

He raised his right fist that he'd punched the tile with the night before, the broken skin hadn't even bled. He smiled slightly, it meant his knuckles hadn't gotten too soft and he made a mental note to do knuckle push-ups on a more regular basis while flexing his fingers.

Hitting stuff had always made him feel better, he glanced back to the tiles by the bed and saw that the tile was still cracked.

He sighed quietly, dismissing it as he closed the safe again, he remained kneeling for a moment as he thought of what to do next that would keep him out of Alphonse's way…and then he remembered he had somewhere to go.

He glanced at his bedside clock and saw that it was nearing 9 pm.

He got up slowly and started looking through his wardrobe, Edward didn't give much thought to what he pulled out as long as it was black and after finding some clothes – a fitting jeans and a tight crew neck cotton short sleeved shirt- he removed his work clothes and changed.

His hair just needed a quick brush through before he tied it back up into a ponytail and he looked himself over in the mirror very listlessly, deeming himself looking decent enough to go to a bar…

 _'Music café…'_  he corrected himself with a grimace.

He brushed his bangs back from his face as he glanced at his bedside table for his wallet and keys he'd placed there before he'd started on his alchemy work earlier.

He picked up his effects and then left his room, closing the door quietly behind himself before proceeding down the hall. Alphonse's door was still closed and he didn't remember hearing anything –not that he would have noticed- earlier when he'd been working so he assumed he was still being avoided.

He walked to the entrance area and opened the closet door, he spotted a pair of his hardly used mid-calf black tanker boots and reached in for them. Edward pulled them on –not intending to buckle them up- and had just crouched down to tuck his jeans in properly when out of his peripheral he saw movement.

He half expected it to be CookieBoots so he barely glanced to his side but he did a double take when he saw it was Alphonse's feet and legs he'd glanced at. He looked up quickly as his heart beat slightly faster for some unknown reason and he stood up slowly.

With the thick soles of his boots and Alphonse's lack of shoes…for a moment he was a subtle bit taller than the younger blonde and whereas at one time it would have filled him with evil glee, right then he just blinked away the thought.

 _'I'm not short anymore…'_  he reminded himself irritably and gazed at Alphonse's slightly frowning face,

"…uh, were you asleep?" he asked even though the younger blonde didn't look even slightly sleep mussed.

"No, I was reading…" he answered and Ed watched as his green-gold eyes trailed downward over the length of him before they rose to meet his eyes again and Alphonse was frowning a little more, "…you're going out somewhere?" he asked in the same cold tone as earlier, just quieter.

Edward felt the guilt start to flicker to life in the pit of his stomach as he nodded slightly,

"Uh, yeah…I'm meeting…uh, some people." He was instantly disgusted with himself for hiding something from Al.

For a brief moment Alphonse actually looked confused,

"From the military?" he asked as he once again –only faster- gave Ed a once over.

Edward shook his head,  
"No, some other people." He watched Alphonse blink a few times, as if his eyes were stinging,

"Friends?" he asked as he shifted on his feet and folded his arms in a sort of hug around his mid-section.

"…yeah." Edward lied very softly.

They stood for a full minute in silence and Edward's stomach twisted with guilt because he assumed – but hoped he was wrong- that Alphonse was expecting him to ask him if he wanted to come along. And Edward  **would**  have…if it wasn't for Kimberly being the person he was going to see.

He wasn't even doing anything wrong, it was just that the girl was not someone Alphonse looked upon fondly or even with respect and he didn't dare think his brother had forgotten the cheeky waitress, he wouldn't take that chance.

Edward finally couldn't take it anymore so he made the next best offer,

"If you don't want me to-…"

"No, you go out with your friends. You don't need my permission." Alphonse said in a vague reference to what Ed had said to him the previous afternoon about Elizabeth, except with some ice in his tone.

Edward nodded uncertainly and after a very quick but confused inner debate he decided he should kiss Alphonse goodbye, so he leaned forward as he would any other time…

…and Alphonse very slightly turned his head to the side and leaned away from him…

Edward's heart stopped sorely for a second and he swallowed slowly as his lightly puckered lips met nothing. Alphonse stepped back to put just a little more distance between them as Edward leaned back again,

"I'll probably be asleep when you get back…" Alphonse sounded like the action had hurt him just as badly and Edward kept his eye on the floor tiles, unable to look at the younger blonde after the blatant rejection, "…good night Edward, I love you." Al said softly and turned to walk back into the hall.

The 'I love you' sounded the same as usual, heavily inundated with emotions that were far from brotherly but the rest of the words were impassive. Edward raised his eyes only once he heard Alphonse close himself into his bedroom again and he clenched his jaw.

 _'That's twice now he's turned me away…maybe…'_  Edward thought it may well be what he'd originally feared when he'd seen his brother standing so comfortably close to Elizabeth in the kitchen,  _'…maybe he's realizing what's better for him, maybe Alphonse doesn't want_ _ **this sickness**_ _anymore.'_

He smiled…bitterly, and turned to the door to leave the apartment.

There was a very dark irony that was consistent in Edward Elric's life…and that irony was that in order to find happiness for Alphonse and himself, he had to suffer the consequential pain and misery that came with whatever choices he made…

* * *

It was the same as it had been with the human transmutation, he'd wanted to bring their mother back to make them happy and whole again. But he'd fucked it up and spent the next many years of his life suffering any pain and every horror in order to make it right again and restore Alphonse.

Then he'd succeeded and brought his brother back whole and  _perfect_ …and in turn he had to live with the pain and gaping loss that had been alchemy in his blood. But it had been worth it in order to live and be happy with Alphonse alive and able to breathe and touch and taste…

Then that had somehow turned into something wrong –and he blamed himself for it regardless of whether he knew how it'd happened- and he'd made another bad choice. He'd decided to give Alphonse what he wanted and allowed his younger brother too closely, too intimately to experience those physical senses with him…sexually and emotionally…just to make him happy…

…which is all that really made Edward happy. Or so he'd thought.

It wasn't that simple…and so now he suffered the painful irony of his reality once again…in which he'd become attracted too and fallen in love with his own brother…who no longer seemed to want to be with him.

He exhaled shortly and derisively into his first empty glass of the night as he sat at a table in the dark, smoky music café, alone. He hadn't bothered to look for the girl he was there to meet, instead he sat at an empty small table in a corner and had ordered a chilled bottle of Vodka. His request had earned him a very unsure look from the waitress sort of person but she had never the less brought a full bottle with a glass.

She'd asked if he wanted anything to mix with the spirit while frowning as though he was crazy when he poured a half full glass of the clear liquid and took a gulp of it, he'd shaken his head and then paid her for the bottle and waved her away rudely.

He had no interest in anything at the moment except sitting and brooding, he didn't even care that the open stage hosted random and ill talented musicians who played awfully, or that the place was half empty…

He poured himself another slightly more full glass and took a drink from it, the liquid burned pleasantly and warmed his throat as it usually did but he'd had better Vodka. He raised his eyebrows in a facial shrug at the thought and took another swill.

Edward placed the glass down and drummed his fingers against it as he observed the condensation on the chilled bottle of Vodka, his eyes unseeingly traced blue and black label while he thought over again of what he'd said to Alphonse the night before.

He'd been angry…Alphonse was right. Edward hadn't even realized he'd been angry and jealous of the pretty face and infectious personality of Elizabeth…and the smile she inspired in his beloved brother.

Al had seen the anger in him…

Edward couldn't believe how angry he'd been once he'd realized it, more than enough to bring up the Sildenafil that Alphonse had…emotionally manipulated…him into taking. He'd had an ugly reaction and he'd like to be able to justify himself by thinking he'd said it with intent to make a point that Alphonse was being a hypocrite, but that wasn't the reason.

 _'I said it because I felt guilty about wanting to fuck him.'_  the thought was sharp and disgusting and he quickly poured more Vodka into his glass and swallowed it faster than was smart if he intended to keep his wits about him.

* * *

It had been a 45 minutes since Edward got to the cafe, he was three glasses of straight Vodka down and pouring his fourth –half way through the bottle already- when someone sat down across from him. He stopped pouring just short of the glass rim and looked across from himself at the blonde waitress he was supposed to be there to meet…Kimberly.

She had her hair tied back as both times before he'd seen her in a high ponytail and she wore a midriff denim jacket with a plain black tight low neck T shirt underneath it,  
"Do you need to be trying to get drunk every time I see you, Edward?" she said with a sigh and shook her head as he raised the glass to his lips…he only sipped the chilled liquid that time and frowned,

"I'm not trying to get drunk." He said very calmly, surprising himself.

She raised her eyebrows,

"Your drinking straight vodka by the glass…it's bound to get there." She said flatly with something of a wary frown.

Edward drummed his fingers on the cold glass and he realized that this girl probably thought he had a drinking problem. Not caring much what she thought of him, he gestured to the bottle,

"You want any?"

"I don't drink hard liquor." She turned her eyes away to look past him further into the bar/cafe and waved to someone, followed by a gesture for whoever it was to move on or go ahead.

He didn't bother to say anything to her comment as he sipped the vodka again and then licked his lips, she was looking at him again in an almost disappointed way. He raised a disinterested eyebrow,

"Look, I know I came here to hang out with you but I'm not generally very good company so you're not missing out on anything, you go ahead to your friends." He gestured over his shoulder in the direction she'd looked earlier.

She stared at him and then nodded,

"Okay… **but** …if you change your mind…" she had that hopeful look again, "…just come back there and find me." she stood up and Edward frowned slightly at the extended offer as he watched her stand. She smiled at him slightly and as she walked by him she bumped her fist lightly on his arm.

He turned his head slightly and watched her walk through a wide square door way leading to the back, then he turned back to his Vodka and shook his head while nursing his drink, thinking that she was persistent if absolutely nothing else.

He sat for a half an hour longer but found himself not really caring to finish off the bottle, he'd only just finished his fourth glass and while he felt relaxed, warm and pleasantly disengaged from his surroundings, his freakishly high metabolism spared him from the raging drunken buzz he'd have had if he were any other person who didn't have an extremely high tolerance for just about everything.

He gave the bottle one final look and then stood up from the table, deciding to abandon the rest of his Vodka. He just needed to take a piss and then he'd leave the weird establishment. He walked to the small –not even really- bar and asked the attendant where the toilets were, the guy gestured to the back and Edward went along numbly.

The place was a little fuller in the back and the music remained inconsistent and awful.

He found the toilets easily enough and since it was just one loo he locked himself in and relieved himself. He rinsed his hands off when he was done since the place was no upmarket joint and there wasn't even toilet paper, much less hand soap.

He felt a bit annoyed with it but his teenage years had consisted of many incidents where he'd pissed on road sides or in alleys and hadn't been able to wash his hands because travelling was never luxurious or glamorous when you did it like he had.

He left the toilet when he was done and made his way back into the busy back area, he took a look around at the pool tables and seating of the place, it was crowded, noisy and dimly lit with a pleasant atmosphere.

_'Music café…pft…this is bar.'_

Edward weaved through a few people, barely glancing around as he did so and he accidentally spotted the blonde waitress at a table with a group of people.

And she was looking around distractedly while all of her friends talked and laughed…then she looked right at him and her eyebrows rose as a smile spread over her face. Edward stopped where he was when she spotted him and he forced a small smile, some of the people with her looked over at him as well and a few of them smiled too.

She said something to them and stood up, Edward realized she was going to come over to him. He decided not to be a total asshole and walk away so he shifted away from some people moving by him and watched her weave through the crowded place until she reached him,

"I thought you left…"she said with her smile still in place. She had nice teeth and Edward absently noted that the tight blue jeans she wore suited her straight build very well.

"I was about to." He answered dully.

"Are you drunk yet?" she asked with a frown.

He frowned in annoyance,

"No, I don't get drunk that easily." He said irritably.

She seemed mostly unaffected by his tone,

"Don't leave yet, come and sit with us…just for a half hour or something." She gestured behind her.

Edward narrowed his eyes, he couldn't figure out why she didn't just let him leave, he hadn't exactly been nice to her. He tucked his bangs on one side behind his ear and nodded stiffly,

"Yeah, okay but if your friends are annoying I'm leaving." He agreed, it wasn't like he had a reason to rush home.

She blinked at him, slightly confused and then nodded,

"Okay then." She turned and gestured with a tilt of her head for him to follow.

He walked just behind her as they weaved through the crowd, she looked over her shoulder at him and slowed down, he nearly stepped on the back of her boots when she did that,

"What do you consider annoying?" she asked with a frown.

"Pretty much anything." He said moodily, looking down since she was slightly shorter than him.

She shook her head and smiled uncertainly,

"Are you always this mean?"

"Yes." Edward responded flatly, raising an eyebrow at the persistent girl.

She blinked, nodded and then started walking again, he thinned his lips irritably and followed her the rest of the way until they reached her table.

* * *

"So, Edward what work do you do?" one of her male friends asked half interestedly.

Edward did not give a shit what their names were, he hadn't bothered to remember them when they'd introduced themselves. He had ordered himself a vodka tonic and was content to sit in his chair beside Kimberly and ignore them and her, which he'd been doing for the past 15 minutes since he'd sat down.

She'd introduced him with 'Guys this is Edward' and they'd all said their names and nodded before turning their attention back to their previous conversation. He'd been pleased with that…until just then when one of them, a guy, had decided to involve him in conversation.

He was leaning back in his chair, glass half way to his lips and staring at people play pool- it was not a game he was overly familiar with- and he looked to the guy sitting a little ways down the joined tables, everyone was looking at him now, even Kimberly.

Edward raised his eyebrow lazily,

"I do research work on a free-lance basis." He said sounding every bit as bored as he was.

But at least the noise and people around him distracted him from his problems. He was only there in the first place because Alphonse had wanted space, he was sure that if things were different at home he'd have stood her up.

"Oh yeah, like what kind of work?" someone else asked.

He blinked lazily and stared into his drink,

"Mostly alchemic research but right now I'm working on a construction project." He answered evenly.

There were a few comments he didn't bother to differentiate between but then one particular question was loud enough,

"What kind of alchemic research can you do on construction?"

Edward sighed and glanced at the people staring at him,  
"I designed a building." He said vaguely.

"I thought you were a free-lance researcher." Someone said skeptically.

Edward clenched his jaw and was surprised when Kimberly spoke up,

"Don't be so nosy Sandra, he's not asking you guys a bunch of personal questions."

"I'm a waitress." Someone said.

"I'm a waiter."

"Bank clerk.

"Bar manager."

"Oh shut up, you only became a manager yesterday."

Edward sipped his drink with raised eyebrows as he realized Kimberly's friends were likely  _all_  in the minimum wage service industry.

"So what  **do**  you do, Edward?" some girl leaned around Kimberly and raised her eyebrows at him expectantly.

Edward looked at her indifferently, there was a time when the answer would have been simple.

 _'I'm an alchemist.'_  He thought bitterly.

Right then he didn't know what to say…he looked over their expectant faces.

Then he remembered he didn't have to be polite to these people… so he sighed, placed his glass down and he stood up, all of them sat back mostly in confusion and disapproval at his rude actions.

Once he was standing he didn't so much as glance at Kimberly, hoping she'd get the hint and back off, he walked away from them and maneuvered his way through the crowds of people.

He made his way out of the late night bar/café and once he was on the curb in the open night air, he breathed in the smoke free air and realized how entirely sober he felt with a twinge of irritation. He grimaced and stuffed his hands into his pockets as he started walking in the direction he needed to.

He was only a few meters away from the café when he heard his name called from behind him.

Edward glanced over his shoulder and saw Kimberly running after him, her ponytail swinging behind her as she ran up to him. He slowed his steps as he rolled his eyes and finally stopped, turning to face her just when she reached him,

"You weren't kidding when you said you'd leave." She huffed and put her hands on her hips.

"I don't kid…" he said irritably and turned to carry on walking. She fell into step with him a moment later,

"So that's it?" she asked.

He glanced at her,

"What's it?" he asked testily.

"I mean, can't we at least try and hang out again sometime, maybe without my friends, maybe with yours and-…"

He stopped abruptly and glared at her,

"I'm not interested." He said flatly.

She closed her mouth quickly and then glanced around,

"In being friends with me?"

Edward snorted,

"You don't want to be friends with me…you want more than that." He said cockier than was his usual manner.

She didn't get offended by his self-important words, instead she nodded and blushed slightly,

"Yeah I do…but I'm willing to wait for it." She admitted.

He frowned at her when she said that and he didn't know how to respond, she was willing to put up with him being a jerk and to wait for…what?

 _'Oh right, I told her I'm not dating right now.'_  He remembered and sighed, looking away from her.

"That's stupid." He said plainly and started walking again.

"Why is it stupid? I don't date a lot of guys and when I do like someone I don't mind making the effort to get them." she caught up with him easily.

"That's annoying." He informed her and crossed the street.

She did not relent.

"But if we become friends and it doesn't go anywhere that's fine too." She sighed and crossed the street with him.

On the other side of the street he stopped again to look at her, she was frowning as she brushed her fringe away from her eyes,

"I'm not looking for any friends." He insisted.

"Then why did you come tonight?" she insisted right back.

 _'Alphonse…'_  he swallowed and looked away from her expectant brown eyes,

"I needed somewhere to be…" he said quietly and glanced at two guys in the distance walking along the street heading in the direction of the café, talking loudly to one another.

She sighed again and he looked at her, she also glanced along the street before looking back at him,

"Look, I'm not trying to make your life difficult. I don't have issues, family problems, kids, ex-boyfriends, debt…" she raised her arms and dropped them to her sides, "…I have no baggage. I am a little stubborn though…" she smiled and Edward blinked at her patiently, "…plus I have a weakness for really attractive blonde guys, with long hair, unusual and amazing gold eyes, really bad attitudes…" she looked him over quickly, "…and who're mean, kind of intimidating and wear black clothes all the time." She bobbed her shoulders when she was done.

Edward wasn't impressed and her smile slowly faded,

"You  **obviously**  have a lot going on." She sighed.

Ed nodded at her, hoping she was finally going to back off,

"Yeah I do…so-…"

"…it doesn't bother me," she said quietly, still reaching, "…plus we have something in common."

He raised an eyebrow, amazed and annoyed at her persistence,

"What's that?" he asked flatly.

She grinned,

"Alchemy." She blinked slowly and pointedly.

Edward just sighed and took a hand out of his jeans pocket to scratch his chin,

"You like alchemy?" he remembered her not showing much interest when Mustang had mentioned it and suspected she might be just grasping at straws.

She made a face,

"Well I suck at it, so no…but I'm sure once I'm able to do at least a basic transmutation I'll warm up to it." she shrugged.

Edward was about to say something, marginally more interested in her conversation than he had been a second ago, except right then the two guys were about to pass them and one of them made a rude sound,

"Oh, hey baby, nice ass." He said loudly and cat called.

Kimberly kept her eyes on him and pointedly ignored them as they passed, it annoyed Edward quite a bit but she didn't seem bothered by it and he wasn't her boyfriend or anything. He figured it'd be best if he ignored it too…that was, until she squeaked indignantly and turned around to the one who'd passed behind her since he'd rather loudly smacked her jean clad rear.

"You fucking asshole!" she shouted at him.

Edward hardly paid attention to her shouting, his blood boiled at the disrespect showed to her and in this situation he saw his opportunity to vent some of his anger.

He stepped around her and advanced on the man, the guy was walking backwards and laughing at her insult so he saw Edward coming and his face changed to an amused grin,

"Check this little guy out, defending his girl…" he laughed and his friend only a meter from him laughed as well.

"Edward!" he heard Kimberly shout worriedly.

The larger man took a bold step forward and said some lame provoking comment right as he attempted to throw a punch. Edward ducked under his fist quickly, getting closer and without a noise or warning he knocked the guy flat out with a solid right hook to his jaw that snapped the guy's head sideways jarringly, it was a precisely executed and undoubtedly painful hit.

It had been so long since Edward had hit someone, it felt so fucking good, especially since the guy had called him  _little_ , he had to grin. The larger and taller guy dropped backwards and landed on the pavement on his back harshly after a staggering wobble. Edward knew he'd be blacked out since that punch had hit his trigeminal nerve.

"Hey what the fuck!"

"Ed!" Kimberly shouted.

The other guy came at Edward with a running lunge, most likely to tackle the blonde and while Ed had many 'fancier' –as Alphonse always called them- ways to get out of the man's way, he settled for a simpler method and skillfully side stepped again when the man was too close to Ed to stop his own momentum.

The guy went straight past him with his full weight thrown into it and hit the road with a harsh smack and an unplanned skid and roll a second later, Kimberly made a shocked sound and the guy groaned in pain. Edward would like to have beaten them stupid, but he knew he couldn't overdo it, this wasn't a military issue beating like it used to be.

Edward flexed his knuckles as they throbbed with a welcomed ache, he was still grinning slightly and he turned to look at the first guy still lying flat out on the pavement. He glanced at Kimberly, she was wide eyed and had her fists clenched in a way he assumed was nervous as she looked at him. He walked over to the man and crouched down next to him, Ed slapped the guy once hard to wake him up.

The guy groaned and breathed heavily as consciousness seeped in and he unsteadily focused on Edward looking down at him,

"Unless you want me to hit you again, and believe me I want to, you better apologize to the lady fuck face." Edward said calmly.

The guy grunted, pain etched into his face from the head ache and buzzing in his ears Edward knew he was experiencing and he looked around until he spotted Kimberly standing just behind Ed then he glanced at Edward again and narrowed his eyes.

"I won't ask you twice." Edward smirked and shifted his weight where he crouched, preparing to hit the guy again.

"Ok, ok!" the guy said quickly and Kimberly made a grossed out noise at the blood that dribbled out of the side of his mouth.

Edward raised an expectant eyebrow and the guy made a face that was rather childish,

"I'm sorry." He said harshly and a few blood spots flecked over his cheek and chin.

Edward raised his eyebrows,

"Is that good enough for you, Kimberly?" he asked calmly.

She was quiet for a moment and then she stepped closer,

"Can I punch him?" she asked suddenly.

Edward found himself smirking at her question and he heard the second man groan somewhere behind him,

"No, you can't punch him or kick him." he said evenly but his smirk widened as she huffed and pouted and the guy on the ground frowned and looked between them,

"Okay, it's fine, it's good enough." she sighed.

Edward nodded and stood up, sparing the other guy –sitting on the floor where he'd landed- a glance to make sure he wasn't going to try anything. Ed felt unsatisfied for the most part because it hadn't even been a fight…he hadn't even experienced any adrenalin rush but the tingling of his long unused knuckles felt really good so he just focused on that.

He turned to her and grabbed her elbow firmly and started to walk away,

"You shouldn't go back to the café right now, guys like that will probably take their anger out on you if they get you alone." He said honestly and easily tugged her away from the scene.

He was aware that a few people across the street had seen him fighting but no one seemed interested,

"My bag and stuff is back there…" she mumbled but gave no resistance as they walked.

"It's with your friends right? Call em' when you get home." He mumbled and once he determined she was keeping up he let her arm go.

She was quiet for a long time as they walked in the mostly empty streets before she said something,

"You looked like you enjoyed that." She mumbled and he glanced at her, to see she was smiling at him, "Wish I could have punched him, I've never punched anyone." She complained.

Once again Edward couldn't help smirking and he flexed his slightly throbbing knuckles,

"You would have broken a few of your fingers." he said honestly and glanced at her again, she looked curious and was making a fist with her right hand and looking at it,

"Really…huh…was he that hard headed?" she chuckled at her joke and Edward didn't humor her.

He was thinking of a time when he was able to punch people and not even feel the throb until the next day and sometimes not even at all.

"So what do you do for a living cause' you looked pretty comfortable beating those guys up for a researcher slash building designer." She turned the corner with him.

Edward sighed and looked at the empty streets ahead of him, it was just the two of them,

"I'm…an alchemist." He admitted quietly.

"Really?" she asked loudly, "Why the heck didn't you say so, that's not embarrassing or anything." She seemed confused.

"I don't do alchemy anymore." He said in a clipped tone, he wasn't about to say he couldn't, he preferred to stick to the story that he chose not to use the ancient science anymore.

"Oh, were you bad at it? Cause I know how it feels to get frustrated with slow progress, it's really hard…" she said sounding annoyed at the topic.

Edward didn't feel like answering anything else so he changed the subject,

"Where do you live?" he glanced at her.

"Oh, 256 Her-…"

"Not your  **exact**  address idiot…" he interrupted her, "…you don't tell a stranger exactly where you live, do you have the mentality of a five year old?" he shook his head disbelievingly.

She frowned and they slowed walking,

"I hardly think you're gonna do anything to me with that information that you couldn't have already done while walking alone with me in the deserted streets,  **especially**  since you seem like a dangerous guy…" She said almost off handedly.

Edward half rolled his eyes,

"Look…just…" he sighed and stopped walking, "…what street?"

"Sterling, lower North." She tilted her head and smiled at him.

He glanced around, moving his bangs from his face as a slight wind passed over them, he spotted a pay phone two blocks down,

"I'm gonna call you a cab…" he started walking in that direction and she followed,

"I don't have any money on me for a cab, my bag-…"

"I'll pay for it." He said testily.

"Then…" she beamed at him, moving closer to his side as they walked and he glanced at her irritably, "…I'll pay you back  **next**  time I see you." She said slyly.

"You don't have to." He said, then regretted not saying he didn't want her to, it was ruder.

"That'll be in-equivalent…and as an alchemist-…"

"You are not an alchemist."

"I am, I'm just not a very good one." She insisted.

He sighed exasperatedly,

"You really are annoying…"

* * *

Edward walked into the dark apartment just after twelve, he hadn't been keeping track of time and between when he'd left home and having waited with Kimberly for a cab for an hour he'd gotten home later than he'd have liked.

The night had been over all very annoying…and Kimberly had insisted she pay him back and see him again. He'd managed to get out of that by saying he'd come and see her at the restaurant she worked at some time, which was a lie…and she'd looked as though she knew he'd been lying.

He had felt bad but since he hadn't been leading her on, he wasn't about to care all that much about her feelings.

Only one good thing had come out of the night…he'd gotten to punch someone in the face and damn, had it felt good. It had been so long since he'd felt the vibration of knocking someone out rattle the bones in his hand.

He grinned in the dark and pulled his feet out of his boots hastily, before he locked the door and walked into the hall. He walked down the dark hall with familiarity and reached his bedroom quickly.

Edward opened the door quietly and automatically glanced to the bed to look for Alphonse…and he saw his bed was empty.

It was as if tons of weight fell on him at the sight of the empty bed, Edward felt himself become painfully tense and his insides hurt, Alphonse hadn't slept in his own bed even once since they'd purchased the double beds…

Edward clenched his right fist so tightly that his blunt nails dug into his palm and a few knuckles popped, his knuckled turned white. The dull throb in his fingers and wrist made him think of how much he'd love to be able to hit something or someone again right then.

He knew it wouldn't solve his problems and it wouldn't take away his emotional tension, that sort of suffering was too deeply draining and imbedded, it was a burden he had to bear for making the mistakes he did with Alphonse. But Edward had always found great physical relief in pounding the shit out of something, he always slept better on the nights when he'd beaten someone up even minimally when he'd been a teenager.

But that was then and this was now.

Now Alphonse had become what he found he needed in order to sleep at night.

But things were changing between them and he honestly didn't know if Al would ever sleep in the same bed with him ever again. The wrenching cold loss in his stomach made him angry again, a deep hurt anger, a festering sort he hadn't been aware of until the night before.

A buried resentment from so so long ago…hadn't ever gone away, he'd simply repressed it.

Now that Alphonse was doing this to him, had made him feel the things he did and now had just  **coldly**  started to pull away without even being willing to talk it out…it was scratching at old unhealed wounds and Edward  **could not**  let himself get caught up in those feelings.

He loved Alphonse and he'd just have to find a way to let go of his resentment and Alphonse's affections and get over his feelings if that was what his future held.

He'd have to find away.

Edward stared through the dark room at the empty bed and frowned slowly as a loathed thought occurred to him.

He hated to even think it…but he did. It seemed like a solution…

"No…" Edward shook his head, "…I can't do that." He whispered to himself and turned around to leave the bedroom again. With an uncertain resolve, Edward forced the thought out of his mind and walked down the hall until he came to stop outside Alphonse's closed bedroom door.

He sighed sadly and considered going in and letting Alphonse know he was home…but he shook his head after a moment and remembered that he'd decided to give the younger blonde space.

Edward walked to the bathroom and shook his head again to get rid of the annoying thought in his mind that was making him reconsider joining the military again.

No matter how much he needed an outlet for his anger…going down that road was not something he wanted to consider as an option…ever.


	5. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Evanescence
> 
> NB: The reference I make to a little death is in the context of the quote by Julius Caesar. (See end of chapter for quote)
> 
> Thanks - to Vienna Wood for editing this chapter, your assistance is appreciated.

 

 

 

_Hold on to me love_

_You know I can't stay long  
All I wanted to say was, "I love you and I'm not afraid"  
_

_Can you hear me?  
Can you feel me in your arms?_

_I know you hear me_  
I can taste it in your tears

  
_Holding my last breath_   
_Safe inside myself_   
_Are all my thoughts of you_   
_Sweet raptured light it ends here tonight_

* * *

Alphonse was upset.

Edward's abrupt announcement that he had work to do, his feigned airy tone of voice and the rigid line of his posture spoke volumes about his mood. Alphonse knew Edward well enough to know his brother was leaving their company for no other reason besides the fact that he was pissed off.

There were many possibilities for why he was angry but Al was sure it had something to do with his own behavior around Elizabeth. He'd realized a bit too late that Elizabeth had- in a way- been holding his hand after he'd teased her about brown nosing and Ed had seen that.

And then when he'd looked over at Edward to say his cooking was amazing, he was actually trying to convey his apology for his actions without words as he'd regarded the older blonde…but Ed had turned away…

…then only five minutes later he'd gotten up, left his practically untouched food and empty wine glass on the table and chosen to leave their company. Alphonse supposed he should be glad Edward had spoken nicely enough to Elizabeth before he left the lounge, he knew his brother had never treated people nicely based on their age, social status or gender, Edward had no qualms about being rude to anyone.

So the fact that Ed had said 'it was nice meeting you' to her came as a surprise to him, one he was grateful for though.

Alphonse didn't think Edward had much of an opinion of Elizabeth though, aside from hardly knowing her, because of his own behavior in the kitchen and just then, they were off to a bad start. He really did regret not putting this dinner off until he could have let Edward know first, he knew things would have gone a little smoother if Ed had had time to get into character.

Like he'd had to when Winry had stayed with them…

He was fiddling with the last bit of his food, poking some chicken around with his fork, when Elizabeth spoke up,

"Is he okay? You said he was okay when I came out of the bathroom." She asked quietly just after Edward's bedroom door had closed down the hall.

Alphonse turned his head to look at her, she had a slight frown on her face and she looked guilty, like she thought it was her fault. Al sighed and reached forward to put his plate on the table at their knees,

"It's my fault, I really should have told him. Edward isn't a fan of surprises and he's not a very social person." It wasn't a lie.

Edward was probably upset with Elizabeth's presence for one of those reasons. He'd thought for a brief moment it might be jealousy but he doubted it. Still, if it was, Alphonse wasn't doing anything wrong with her, he knew and had told Edward they were  _just_  friends…but on the other hand, if Ed had been so close and playful with Winry when she'd been there, he would have been pissed off too.

 _'It was different though…Winry_ _ **wanted**_ _to be with him so I had a reason to be upset, Elizabeth and I are just friends.'_  He sighed again and picked up his wine glass, taking a very slight sip of the liquid.

"You didn't have to feel bad you know, if you'd said another night would have been better I would have understood. I didn't want to upset anyone." Elizabeth said sincerely, sipping her own half-finished glass of wine, the last of her food also left in her plate on the table.

He didn't blame her for not feeling like eating, Edward's sudden departure had obviously been tense, no matter how well he faked his pleasant tone and words, only his bad mood remained behind.

"I know…I just wanted the company." He admitted sorely and quietly, glancing in the direction of the doorway Edward had gone through minutes ago and then back at his lap, he folded one arm over his chest.

"So he wasn't exaggerating when he said he's always working." She said as she sat back with him, tucking her hair behind her ears before she sipped her wine again.

Alphonse just shook his head, not willing to elaborate on anything to do with his complicated relationship with Edward.

"You know Al, you could come over to my house for dinner some nights, my parents wouldn't mind." She said with a small smile.

Alphonse didn't appreciate the offer, aside from the fact that he felt a bit pathetic for admitting he got  _lonely_  and she was probably inviting him out of pity, he knew he couldn't start skipping nights home with Edward. Things were bad enough already and they didn't spend much time together as it was, that would only make it worse. He shook his head,

"It's okay, he does work a lot and sometimes it gets annoying…but I'm not a little kid, I don't need to be babysat and constantly doted on by my older sibling." He said in a joking way to hide his bitterness on the subject.

He did in fact need Edward's attention but it had nothing to do with being siblings.

She raised her eyebrows and tipped her head,

"Well the offer still stands…now that it's out there you might as well know I've considered asking you to spend time with me outside of campus before." She said conversationally.

Alphonse blinked a few times and looked at her with some confusion, there was nothing about her demeanor that was different, she was as Elizabeth-like as ever… yet…her words had sounded so…serious.

He stared at her for a moment, some of hair had fallen forward so she brushed it back, smiling benignly at him. He smiled back at her, still feeling confused,

"Oh, spend time doing what?" he enquired evenly, despite the nervous feeling he got from the suggestion.

Her smile went from being neutral to being amused and she shook her head,

"You always look  **so**  paranoid, like you think I have ulterior motives." she giggled softly, "I meant like we could go to the theatre and watch a movie or some live musicals or plays.  **Or**  we can go to lunch on weekends, maybe dinner and…well anything. If you like clubs we could even do that..." She half shrugged and finished off her wine.

Alphonse looked away from her, back to the doorway but he only glanced, not wanting to be obvious about how much he was affected by Edward leaving their company. He didn't know what to make of Elizabeth's offer, it seemed harmless enough. He was mulling it over while looking at the sweet wine left in his glass and he frowned as he replayed her words in his mind, he raised his eyes and looked at her,

"Ulterior motives, what makes you think I think that about you?" he asked sincerely, he may get a little confused sometimes about her intentions but he certainly didn't think she was plotting against him.

She leaned forward to put her glass down beside her plate,

"Because you get this wide eyed look on your face," she widened her eyes for emphasis, "it's like you think I'm trying to trick you into dating me." she sat back and grinned at him, apparently amused.

Alphonse blushed…because she wasn't teasing, she was speaking honestly,

"I…no I…it's not that…I just…" he sighed and sipped his own wine, deciding not to try and explain himself. He was feeling uncomfortable about the topic and he feared he'd just end up saying something stupid.

She wasn't right per se…but she wasn't wrong either, he did feel a bit worried whenever she said anything that sounded like something a couple should do, it made him think he'd been giving her the wrong impression about their relationship.

He heard her sigh softly,

"We're friends Alphonse, I know that's all you want to be." She said quietly and patted her hand lightly on his upper arm, she was sitting sideways and facing him.

Her words made his stomach tense up and he looked at her a little startled by the implication of her words,

"Elizabeth…" he frowned, "…um, you say…all  **I**  want to be is friends… does that mean you…want more?" he lowered his voice since he was aware Edward wasn't far away and having this conversation with her made him feel guilty.

 _'We shouldn't be talking about dating each other!'_  he clenched his glass.

It was her turn to blush and she took her hand back from his arm quickly to push her hair back from her face while she chuckled softly and looked away,

"I didn't say  **that**." She said awkwardly and looked around the lounge, "You guys don't have any family photos or anything?" she changed the subject abruptly.

Alphonse watched her as she looked around the lounge - which was bare of anything decorative-, even if she hadn't answered his question, he could guess that he was right. He swallowed thickly as he felt guilt creeping into his system…a different sort of guilt from what he felt about Edward.

His Edward related guilt pained him deeply and made him lose sleep and his appetite but the guilt he was feeling right then for Elizabeth would just make interacting with her seem a little more awkward, now that he knew she liked him like  **that**.

 _'Am I blind or something, how did I not notice that she likes me…or wasn't it obvious, would I have noticed, is it my fault?'_  he honestly had no idea. Edward had always told him when they were teenagers that Al was smooth when it came to 'the ladies', but just because he was polite and knew how to treat women, did  **not** mean he understood them or could read them very well.

He realized he was staring at her only when she looked at him again and he blinked his dry eyes,

"Uh, yeah…we have some photographs but we haven't put them up in frames or anything." He admitted, deciding to follow her example and just change the subject.

He thought about the photographs he had of their recent years, since his restoration, taken in Risembool, mostly with Winry and some from Xing with himself and Mei. Edward and Pinako didn't like photographs so only a few included them but he knew Edward did keep three photographs that he seemed fond of. One was from when Ed was a teenager and still in the military, the picture was of Mustang and his immediate subordinates including Ed in which everyone was saluting to the camera half-heartedly, except for Falman who stood at full attention. The second was a picture of their 'family' after Al's restoration; it included himself, Ed, Winry, Pinako and Den. And the final one was a picture of Alphonse on his own, sitting in the grass under a tree near the Rockbell house and smiling, Edward had taken that picture himself.

"Can I see any? If it's okay, I mean." Elizabeth asked quietly.

Alphonse found himself nodding, not seeing any problem with showing her some pictures and distracting himself, he stood up, put his glass down and walked over to the shelves where he crouched down to the two drawers built into the bottom.

He pulled the bottom one open, took out a photo album and then went to sit back beside Elizabeth.

The album he'd taken out wasn't full, it didn't have many pictures and all of the ones in the album were from after he'd gotten his body back. He wouldn't show her pictures of anything else…

She opened it and smiled at the very first picture which was a copy of the picture Edward kept of their 'family'.

Elizabeth looked at him expectantly and he obliged, pointing to Winry first,

"This is Winry, we grew up with her, we were sort of neighbors…you know, as much as you can be on farm land." He smiled and she nodded,

"You mean it was closest property to your own house." She understood and he nodded,

"Yeah, we could see her house from where we lived but it took about twenty minutes to get there if we wanted to visit," he smiled fondly and pointed at Pinako, "this is Granny Pinako, she's Winry's grandmother but when our mother died and she took us in, we started calling her Granny instead of Aunt Pinako."

Elizabeth nodded again and frowned sadly while looking at the photo,

"You said you were really young when your mom died, it must have been so awful."

Alphonse raised his eyebrows, having long since moved past the significant emotions that came with losing his mother, it'd been so long and he'd been through so much that now it was just something that saddened somewhat if he thought about it,

"It was but it was a long time ago…"

She looked at him and sighed,

"When did your dad pass, after your mom right?" she asked quietly. Alphonse felt even less when he thought about his father's death, it had almost seemed necessary since the man had been so inhumanly old,

"Yes, after, a few years ago only…but he was…um, elderly and had had a  **very**  interesting and purposeful life." He smiled at the thought of his bizarre father that he wished he could have known better.

He'd told Elizabeth that his father hadn't been around for them after their mother had died but he didn't want to elaborate and he hoped she wouldn't ask much more about the subject. And as usual, she didn't press the issue and instead looked back to the photo,

"Winry's really pretty Alphonse…" she started in a playful tone.

"She's like my sister." He said with a bit of a forced smile.

Elizabeth pouted, her teasing shot down,

"Oh…I guess that makes sense since you and your brother grew up with her." She turned the page.

Alphonse was  _really_  glad she was moving on from the subject of him, Edward and Winry's prettiness. The rest of the photographs included variations of the four of them doing different things and Elizabeth found the picture where Alphonse was covered in flour courtesy of Winry rather amusing. There was also a picture of Den asleep by the fire, a picture of Trisha's and Hohenheim's gravestones laid with fresh flours and one of Winry in her greasy overalls poking Ed in the side with the back end of a screwdriver while laughing about something, Edward was trying not to smile.

Elizabeth said the picture was 'cute' and Alphonse cringed inwardly.

"You guys have been living here a while right? You should put some of these up, they're really nice pictures." She said smiling as she finally reached the page with the last picture.

Alphonse had nothing to say to that, the only thing Edward wanted on display anywhere in the apartment was their impressive collection of books on the shelf. Al knew he could put his photos in frames and display them if he  _wanted_  but just knowing that Edward would secretly disapprove prevented him from doing so.

"Like this one, this is a great picture, you both look so happy and handsome." She smirked and jabbed him lightly in his side with her elbow so he turned his attention to the photo. He smiled, it was a photograph of him and Edward that had been taken in his second year back in Risembool. He had been at full health for a while and Edward had been so happy, things had been so…right. They'd been sitting on the Rockbell's porch steps side by side and talking about nothing important that he could remember. He just remembered Winry coming outside with a camera saying it was a beautiful day for photos and seconds later she'd instructed them to smile.

Edward had smiled in a way he rarely did and shocked them both at the time, it was disarming and really just highlighted how attractive he was, it'd made Winry and himself smile just as genuinely. Edward had put his arm over Al's shoulder and Al had leaned into him right before she took the picture. The memory was really pleasant and he was glad he had the photo to look back on, where both of them had their best and sincerest smiles on in the warm, summer weather of Risembool.

The dark emotional atmosphere they lived in now seemed never ending…it was like they would never be that happy again.

Alphonse's small smile faded as his guilt over what he'd done to their relationship started to surface steadily, he glanced at Elizabeth who was looking at him with a thoughtful look and he smiled again, forcing away the gloom creeping in and taking the photo album from her hands,

"What?" he asked quietly as he closed it and put it on the armrest next to him.

She shook her head slightly,

"Nothing much, you've just been a little distant and down the last few days. I know you told me not to worry but…" she made an 'I can't help it' face and Alphonse smiled,

"I'm really okay, you don't have to worry." ' _It's not like you can help anyway.'_  He picked up his almost finished wine and drained the glass.

There was a moment of silence and then Elizabeth sighed and he glanced at her as she nodded,

"Okay…okay I won't." She tilted her head and smiled at him, "So, would you _like_ to do something after university tomorrow, maybe we can go to the theatre?"

Alphonse thought about it as he sat back again, he liked movies well enough…but he didn't know if people of the opposite sex who were just friends should go to movies together. Especially now that he suspected Elizabeth liked him as more than just a friend. He realized he had no idea, the last he'd gone to see a movie had been when he was a child and someone in the town of Risembool had come from the city with a projection machine and opened up a small theatre.

Back then it was just curious excited families and children who had attended the 'theatre'.

It had been soundless and black and white but still cool when he was a kid…and as far as he knew, it was a lot different in city film houses nowadays. They had bigger screens, fancy theatres, clearer moving pictures and the films had vitaphone technology so it wasn't completely silent anymore. If anything…it'd be a new experience and he was always up for that…

 _'…she said she knows I just want to be friends, so what could the harm be?'_  he glanced at her.

"Yeah, maybe…" he said noncommittally while wondering if Edward would like to go and see a movie together. They'd gone together when they were kids, he didn't know if Edward had been to newer theatres but he certainly hadn't.

' _Something we can do together as brothers.'_  He thought it sounded like a good idea.

"Okay, we'll see." Elizabeth said neutrally, he was always grateful that she didn't insist on anything.

Alphonse looked over the table and then turned to her,

"Would you like some ice cream?" he offered, remembering the chocolate and vanilla tub of ice cream in their freezer.

She nodded and smiled,

"Yes please."

Alphonse smirked as he stood up,

"Just don't eat it too fast, the last time you had ice cream you gave yourself some serious brain freeze." He chided mildly.

She stood up as well and giggled as she followed him to the kitchen.

* * *

The time went fast when he was with Elizabeth, she was a really pleasant distraction and there was hardly a lull in conversation. Alphonse appreciated it, especially since many times when she picked up on his distancing mind she'd get his attention with a new topic or joke.

He couldn't help his wandering mind, every time he heard the slightest sound from down the hall he thought maybe Edward was coming out to join them, he just wanted some sign that Ed wasn't seething quietly in his bedroom, just to lift the weight of guilt from him for bringing Elizabeth over unannounced.

But by the time they deemed it late and decided that Elizabeth should get home, Edward had still not emerged.

Alphonse walked out of his bedroom carrying a black hooded jacket and a gray sweater, he walked down the hall and stopped at the entrance where Elizabeth was waiting, she had her bag and shoes on and was ready to go.

"I have these, they're the smallest I could find but they're still going to be pretty big on you." He held up each arm with a warm article of clothing.

The temperature had dropped a bit and Elizabeth was feeling chilly, so he'd offered to loan her a jersey or jacket. She didn't seem to care that she was dressed formally, which didn't surprise Alphonse, since she reached for the hooded jacket,

"I don't like gray, it's so ugly." She shook her head while smiling as she gathered the large jacket up and started to pull it onto her arms.

Alphonse watched her as she brought it up and over her head, he noticed –and blinked to avert his gaze- when her tight top slipped up and her pale waist line skin was visible, her skin looked so smooth.

Once she had it on and she pulled it down Alphonse had to laugh at how static it made her shiny black hair, the strands were charged and standing up everywhere, as she attempted to flatten it out and it clung to her fingers he laughed some more,

"It's not funny, I probably look as bad as you did the other day when you had sex hair." She teased. Alphonse blushed and shook his head, ignoring her comment,

"It'll go down on its own eventually." He tried to stop grinning as she fussed.

"No, it won't." she huffed and eventually pulled it back with some success before she tucked it into the back of the jacket, then she pulled the hood up onto her head.

"It's not that cold outside." He informed her as he stepped into his own shoes.

She opened the door and peered at him from under the large hood with wide green eyes,

"What is this jacket, an extra, extra-large?" she smiled with a raised eyebrow and tried pulling the sleeves up from where they hung over her hands.

"It's a regular large, you're just very small." Alphonse smiled, wondering if Elizabeth would start yelling about his jibe at her size like Edward used to but she didn't, she just waited for him with a small smile on her face.

He stepped outside after her, closed the apartment door and locked it, after pocketing his keys he started to pull the jersey he still held on. But he jerked slightly in shock with his arms and the sweater over his head when he felt his shirt lifted up at the front, exposing his abdomen to the cool air of the corridor. Alphonse quickly pulled it over his head and looked at Elizabeth with a frown,

"What are you doing?" he blushed furiously and pulled the jersey down, along with his shirt so his stomach was covered again. Elizabeth blushed and quickly let his shirt go but she didn't apologize right away,

"I had no  _idea_  you had abs like **that** , you look so skinny." She said quietly and blinked several times as she adjusted her bag on her shoulder and continued to blush. Alphonse turned a darker shade of red,

"You don't just go picking peoples shirts up to look at their…their…bodies, that's incredibly rude." He said quietly and awkwardly, trying to ignore her comment about his appearance but ultimately he could  **not** ,

"I'm sor-…" she started to say but he cut her off,

"And what do you mean I look  **skinny**?" he frowned, disliking being called scrawny…even if she didn't use that word he still felt insulted.

He knew he'd lost weight months ago but he'd gained it all back, he thought he looked just fine.

She was still blushing as she looked at him with wide eyes; the hood had fallen off her head,

"I meant that you look…well…you certainly don't look muscular, you're so thin." She half whispered with an oddly satisfied smile on her face as she glanced over him. Alphonse tried not to blush when she looked at him like that,

"I am not _thin_ ," he glared at her, feeling insulted, "I'm  **lean** ,  _looking_  bulky and muscular is an entirely different thing from actually  _being_  toned and fit." He said very seriously.

She blinked and started to look apologetic,

"I didn't mean to offend you by saying you're thin Alphonse." she said sincerely, "I didn't think you were frail or anything, I just didn't think you were so…" she grinned, "…hot."

Alphonse's fading blush returned with vengeance and he looked away from her, feeling self-conscious,

"What made you do that anyway?" he grumbled and started walking through the corridor toward the stairs.

She followed and fell into step beside him,

"When you pulled the sweater on your shirt rode up and I saw…definition…that I wasn't expecting." She was still blushing but her tone was more confident and teasing now.

"I didn't do that when your top rode up." He mumbled, still frowning as they descended the stairs.

"I have no muscles, there's not much to see on my stomach…but further up-…"

"Elizabeth." He said wearily, his face was hot enough as it was and she was still grinning and teasing, making it worse.

"Oh loosen up…" she huffed, ever smiling and pulled her hair over her shoulder since it was starting to bunch up at her neck, "…I'm sorry I did that, I was just kind of caught off guard. Is your brother the same as you or not, because he looked pretty skinny too?" She asked with a curious expression.

Alphonse swallowed slowly and hoped the blush he already had covered up his partial flustering at the thought of Edward naked and just how incredibly attractive he was underneath his clothes, all wiry muscle with perfectly defined contours. He kept his eyes on the stairs, not looking at her,

"Yeah, he is…" he said distantly and then looked at her quickly, "…not skinny, I mean, he is also…like me, well, similar, not exactly the same...he's more…" he was starting to feel stupid so he shut himself up, "…he's, uh, not skinny."

She nodded and raised her eyebrows,

"Wow, both good looking, independent, you both cook, you're both polite  **and**  you're both so hot…" she sounded as impressed as she looked.

Alphonse assumed by 'hot' she meant well built, he stared at her with a confused frown and didn't bother to correct her about Edward being  _polite_ , instead he just stayed quiet as they reached the lobby and walked across to the phone booths.

She called her driver once they reached the phone booths and when she was done they went to wait near the doors. Alphonse was glad he'd worn the sweater since the lobby was drafty and the wind whistled strongly, it was apparently quite cold outside and it was drizzling.

He wondered whether Edward's leg was affected by the colder weather, although the apartment had been warm so it wasn't likely.

He sighed as his thoughts started to drift back to Edward,

"I'm sorry that my brother left during dinner, I hope you won't take it personally." He interrupted the silence between them and glanced at Elizabeth.

It was bad enough that everything Elizabeth said seemed a tad more suggestive now that he suspected she liked him  _and_  thought he was hot, he really didn't want to start having awkward silences as well. The word 'hot' alone made him feel awkward, he hadn't been called that ever before and it was weird. Things felt weird now and he wanted to get her talking again…

"Oh, no I won't. I just feel bad, I don't want him to think I was intruding." She responded with a small half smile, her hands stuffed in the jacket pockets.

Alphonse shook his head,

"No, it was my mistake for not telling him." he said honestly.

"Will he be upset with you, I don't want you two to argue or anything…" she frowned slightly, "…do you guys ever fight, you know, like normal siblings?" she smirked and put emphasis on 'normal' which made Al want to cringe.

They were anything but normal siblings.

He managed a smile,

"Of course we fight, when we were younger it used to be more physical and less talk but now that we're older we just argue a lot and yell, and Edward swears…and then yells at me if I swear too." Alphonse tried to make it sound 'normal' and it wasn't hard because they did argue as siblings would, it was  _what_  they argued about that was abnormal.

"Ah, so you two are not saints." She said smirking.

 _'Not even close…'_  he thought bitterly and just shook his head with a smile.

There was a minute more of silence before she spoke again,

"Why did both of you get so quiet when I said you'd make two girls lucky someday?" she had an amused frown on her face but Alphonse knew she really wanted to know, especially since she asked quietly as if it were a secret.

He was a little thrown off by her bringing that up, at the time he hadn't known what to say and the silence had been really awkward but Edward had moved it along, now though he had to face it.

He raised his eyebrows, trying to figure out what to say that would make sense as he regarded her curiously amused expression.

 _'It would have to be something personal for it to make sense, it was so obvious we both didn't know what to say…'_  he sighed slowly and then blinked when a thought occurred to him. He felt bad for thinking it was the best thing to say, especially since it wasn't his business to tell…but it would be an answer for Elizabeth and would sate her curiosity.

"It's uh…well you see…" he looked at the lobby tiles and then back to her, feeling awful for telling someone Edward's business, "…Edward is, uh…he's bisexual and I know he doesn't like to talk about it, since I only found out a few months ago myself." He admitted honestly, "So I didn't know what to say when you said that…" he added and looked away from her again.

It wasn't a lie but it wasn't his place to tell anyone, Edward obviously kept the information close to his chest because Alphonse might have never known, if it hadn't been for his affliction, that the older blonde liked men and women. It hurt him on some brotherly level that he hadn't been told something so important about Edward's personal life but he'd never told Ed that and he probably never would.

"Oh…well I had no idea or I wouldn't have said anything." She said quietly and then stepped closer, "Your brother dates guys?" she was smiling…curiously.

Alphonse frowned,

"…well…yes, I just told you he's bisexual." He said quietly.

"Have you met any of his boyfriends?" she sounded far too curious and all of the hairs on Alphonse's arms and neck were standing at the question.

The word 'boyfriends' dredged up a lot of insecurity about Edward's daily business and his sex life, there was a hell of a lot Alphonse didn't know about his older brother's previous relationships and sexual interests. He knew that what he and Edward called a 'relationship' was some basic outline of what Edward was  _willing_  to do with him…but there was an entirely different side of the older blonde Al doubted he'd ever know.

He's only seen glimpses of that side when Edward would get a little rough with him in a moment of sexual abandon, or lose himself in the moment and swear in the most sexually enticing way, when he'd bite and very rarely leave a few faint bruises on Al's skin from rough groping. It was so rare that Edward got like that during sex that Alphonse hadn't yet been able to determine just what it was he did that made Ed forget himself…or he'd do it whenever he had the chance to get those incredible reactions. Just thinking about it made inappropriate warmth flourish in his lower regions and he swallowed thickly,

"No I haven't, I told you I only found out a few months ago…why are you smiling?" he frowned at her.

"It's interesting, I've never known any guys who like guys before." She tilted her head, thinking about something before she looked at him again, "Have you ever thought about it?"

Alphonse's frown left his face and he gave her a patient look, wanting to stop talking about this topic,

"No." he lied…he just didn't want her to know that he was –in all honestly- probably bisexual as well.

 _'Or gay…'_  he sighed quietly as he looked to the doors, he still hadn't resolved that personal question since New Year's, he didn't know if he was gay or not since he hadn't –and wouldn't- get together with a girl to test the theory.

"Do you have a girlfriend, Alphonse?" Elizabeth asked out of the blue and Alphonse frowned again,

"That's a silly question, you don't think that you'd already know if I did considering how well we know one another." He said evenly, he spent a lot of time with her and was open about himself about everything he was able to tell her.

Anything besides specific details about their checkered past and his incestuous relationship with Edward.

He was starting to feel a little queasy just thinking about all of the stuff he had to hide and lie about on a daily basis, especially the thing he hadn't been able to overcome and instead dragged his brother into with him…

She nodded and looked at the doors,

"I figured you didn't, I just wanted to know for sure." She said back evenly.

Alphonse sighed, not liking how that sounded,

"Why…Elizabeth, why did you want to know for sure?" he asked, concern on his face when he turned to face her.

She blinked, surprised by his expression and then she smiled at him as if he were silly,

" **Because** I'm coming over to visit you and asking you out to movies, spending all this time with you, if you have a girlfriend I didn't want to be stepping on anyone's toes. You know girls don't like it when their boyfriends have female friends." She said blithely.

Her answer was very evasive and Alphonse just  _knew_  there was something else going on, but he also knew that if he persisted to show her that he wasn't interested in her like that, then she would eventually settle for being friends…he hoped.

So he just nodded at her and she kept smiling as they both stared at the doors.

* * *

When Alphonse finally got back to the apartment he felt sort of tired, the day had been emotionally exhausting and it was catching up with him. He locked the door behind himself and took off his shoes before heading into the hall. He pulled the sweater off –it was quite warm inside- as he entered his bedroom, going to his wardrobe to hang it back up since he'd only had it on for a short while.

Elizabeth had started joking and teasing again in no time, once their awkward moment of unspoken truths had passed she'd started making fun of his reticence on the subject of sex. He hadn't defended himself since he'd been uncomfortable with the teasing, which sort of made her point for her, but she wasn't right, he wasn't prudish or shy. In fact he had a rather vivid and healthy interest in sexual experimentation and fun…but the person he  _wanted_  to try things out with and talk to about it was usually either not feeling like sex or not willing to discuss anything like that with Alphonse.

 _'Because I'm his little brother…'_  he grimaced at the thought as he walked away from the wardrobe to his shelves, intending to grab the cat food and top up CookieBoots bowl. But he saw as he walked by the cat dishes of water and food that it was already filled and looked like it'd been eaten on only slightly.

He glanced around and then walked over to the sleeping kitten on the bed, Al sat down and stroked his pet's fur gently, smiling as he purred and stretched out on the bed in appreciation of the attention,

"Did Edward feed you Mr. CookieBoots?" he asked quietly and stopped stroking, instead he brought his hands up and rubbed his face before he pushed his hands up into his hair and ruffled it with a frustrated whine.

"I'm so tired of it being like this…" he mumbled to himself as he listened to CookieBoots purring deeply beside him.

He sat for a while until he remembered he had to do dishes and stood up, he left the room and made his way to the lounge where he knew the coffee table was still cluttered with dishes from their unpleasant and unfinished dinner.

Slowly he started the task of picking up what he could carry to take it to the kitchen, he didn't fail to notice the half full bottle of wine missing from the lounge along with Edward's glass but it didn't give him any pause…until he brought the first lot of stuff to the kitchen and saw a second almost empty bottle on the counter next to a tumbler.

He knew that Edward probably used some wine in the meal, it was something he did himself sometimes…but the bottle had far too much out of it, it had obviously been emptied by the glass. It meant Edward had drunk from both bottles…on an empty stomach to boot, since he had hardly touched his food.

Alphonse shook his head but wasn't going to make a big deal out of it, he assumed Edward was asleep anyway and no harm was done. So he set about clearing and cleaning the lounge and kitchen until everything was sorted out and in its place.

When he was done he made a trip to the bathroom, peed, washed his hands and his face and then made his way out of the bathroom and down the hall to Edward's bedroom.

He entered quietly and glanced around the bedroom, spotting Edward with his head down on his desk…Alphonse smiled, it reminded him of back in their questing days when he'd leave Ed alone to research and the older blonde would push himself for hours until he gave in to exhaustion and passed out with his face in a book.

The circumstances of his exhaustion were different now…but the results the same, Alphonse walked over to him after closing the door and smiled more when he noticed Edward was in fact asleep on an alchemy book. He didn't pay any mind to the empty wine bottle or glass, he just focused on Edward's soft breathing and his ponytail trailing down over his back, the ash blonde of his hair contrasting against his black shirt.

Alphonse stepped behind the chair and placed his hands on Edward's shoulders, he started to rub gently at the tension but he couldn't really do much since Ed had his arms up and folded under his head, making his shoulders hunched. Al rubbed gently for a minute before he heard Edward inhale quietly, he tilted his head and watched as Ed raised his head and slowly sat up and back. Al smiled again when his older brother leaned his head against his mid-section and when Ed's arms were unfolded and his shoulders straightened Alphonse started a steadier massage, finally able to actually work on the worst of Ed's tension.

When he focused beyond the warmth of Ed's skin through his shirt, Al could feel the stiffness of the muscles and he knew he was the cause of his older brother's stress, his back was probably just as bad, Al knew. He had his own tension but it was not nearly as bad as Ed's.

It had always been like that, Edward's body took most of his strain in order for him to keep a clear head.

 _'Some thing's never change…'_  he slowly pressed his fingers downward and moved them circularly, blinking slowly as he set a steady rhythm and felt Ed become pliant under his hands. He was just thinking about every desirably muscular inch of the older blonde's body when Edward leaned his head back and looked up at him, Alphonse smiled at him. He looked cute, sleepy and relaxed and Al felt better, he'd been worried Ed would be upset and angry at him, he was glad for the lack of tension between them right then.

"You shouldn't let your muscular tension get this bad…" he said quietly as he rubbed his thumbs in a harder circular motion and he watched Ed grimace as the knots eased out under the pressure.

Edward lowered his head again but stayed leaning against him. Al liked it, it made him feel like –for the moment – things were okay between them, he felt closer to Ed than he had in a while in the comfortable silence.

"Thanks, Alphonse." Ed mumbled.

For the small words of gratitude Alphonse made sure to work out as much tension as possible, skillfully working his fingers as Edward sat quiet and relaxed under his touch. He was feeling quite relaxed himself in the calm atmosphere…until Ed sighed and sat forward, starting to get up.

The moment was over he supposed…

Alphonse stepped back in case the chair was pushed back but Edward turned sideways and stood up, he looked tired and Alphonse felt bad for him, knowing how hard sleep had been to come by recently,

"You should change and get into bed, you're tired and it's only just after ten…you'll get a good seven hours of sleep at least…that is, if you're finished with your work." He suggested, wanting to keep the atmosphere between them easy.

He also hoped he and Edward would sleep in the same bed again, he didn't know what had happened on the couch the night before but he'd slept really well with Ed's body next to him and he hoped for a repeat…

"I fell asleep because I was bored…" Edward said softly and straightened out his hair. Alphonse watched him as the older blonde's eyes moved downward over his appearance. He wondered what Ed was looking for…since the older blonde had a slight frown on his face.

He mentally prepared himself for some sort of terse question but he was completely caught off guard by a hand on his hip and Edward's body coming to stand just short of against his own a second later. He inhaled sharply and his eyes partially closed when Ed kissed him, soft and moist, on his lips.

A few more kisses followed and Alphonse hesitated to give in to the tender affection, he remembered Edward had done this the day before, kissed him randomly and so rousingly, but it had been yet another dead end interaction that didn't go anywhere.

So he didn't allow himself to melt into it, even though Edward was warm and close, he tried not to be such a pushover. When Ed's hand crept under his shirt he had half a mind to just pull back like he had the day before when skin contacted skin.

It would hurt too much to be let down if he let it get too far along…

But Ed's touch was firm and sure and when he thumbed and pinched Alphonse's nipple the younger blonde's physical reaction was unavoidable, he felt his arousal rush into his lower extremities so quickly it made him feel a little unsteady on his legs and he moaned, shivering when Edward's tongue- sweet and spicy from the rich wine- slipped into his mouth.

He so  **desperately**  hoped this would not end with a kiss on his forehead…

Alphonse gave in just a little and pulled Edward closer, kissing the older blonde back with less hesitation, he opened his eyes slightly in a daze when Ed's hand groped his rear firmly. He saw that Edward's eyes were closed and he closed his eyes again, gripping the older blonde's shoulders firmly to encourage him to touch more, to do more and go further…and just  **not** stop.

He tilted his head and kissed Edward deeply, trying to let him know how much he needed it, he pressed himself to the older blonde, feeling Ed's erection through his jeans…it was just as firm as Alphonse's own.

Alphonse exhaled into the kiss, relieved and turned on and he would have smiled had he not been so busy lapping at Edward's tongue, he was starting to feel hopeful that this would go where he wanted it to.

Then Edward pulled back from the kiss and it rattled Alphonse's delicate hope, he swallowed slowly and pursed his lips for a second as he opened his eyes slowly, dreading what would probably come next. He couldn't keep his emotion off his face as he looked at Edward, his older brother's lips were slightly moist and his eyes were half lidded…he looked like he wanted more and Alphonse hoped he did.

 _'…don't pull away from me…please…'_  he licked his lips absently when Edward's expression started to become sort of emotional as well. Al knew he was thinking hard about something and he didn't want to lose him to it so he lightly scraped his nails over the hair at the nape of Edward's neck to bring him back to the moment, the sensuality, their closeness…he exhaled shakily against Ed's lips to let him know he was right there and he was waiting.

Then Edward smirked and Alphonse felt strangely anxious at the uncharacteristic action, the older blonde only ever smiled at him sweetly or lovingly when they were intimate…it was new, odd…but exciting. He blinked a few times slowly as his skin tingled from Edward's ministrations beneath his shirt, his warm hand was sliding downward over Al's sensitive stomach…Al's breathing started to get a little louder.

He couldn't help his growing eagerness, especially when Edward's fingers slipped beneath his jeans and boxer hems and his fingers grazed so close to touching Al's throbbing erection. He closed his eyes when Edward kissed him on his lips torturously slow…as if he were teasing him?

It was so strange and sudden for Edward to be doing these things but Alphonse was enjoying it, he liked it, he wasn't about to complain…

He heard Edward say his name and pause as they kissed and his anxiousness rose again, he was still worried that the gentle rebuff would come and leave him with no option but to masturbate alone in the bathroom…and afterward he would cry because he would feel so pathetic.

He made a sound to let Edward know he was listening but he kissed the older blonde a little harder and pressed closer to him, trying to keep him interested.

"You wanna…" Alphonse held his breath, "…have sex?"

Edward's tone was so heavily laced with sexual teasing and suggestion that Alphonse frowned when Edward kissed him again, purposely slow and his hand was already on Al's belt, pulling it loose.

Alphonse didn't understand why, but it didn't feel right…

Something in Edward's voice was different,

 _'He's never been like this with me…he gets a little bolder after a while but never straight off the bat.'_  Just as Alphonse thought that Ed stepped forward, making him nearly fall so that he clutched the older blonde tighter to regain his footing as he was led backwards…toward the bed.

At this point he had a chance to speak because Edward pulled back and gave him an  _expectant_ look,

"Aah, yeah…yes…" he answered quickly, softly…because he'd be stupid to say no.

He was so aroused and he ached to feel Edward's naked skin…he ached to have Edward inside of him, as close as they could possibly get…

So he forced his doubts and worries about Edward's sudden change in personality –so forward and controlling- out of his mind, he should enjoy it, he knew that it would get better if Ed continued on this way…it'd be a little less gentle and slow, it'd be less thought out and predictable.

He knew it'd be hot, maybe fast and rough instead of slow and sweet…there'd be noises of breathing and skin which turned him on so much, there'd be no time to think about secrets and sickness and it'd be much more fulfilling and he'd still be feeling it the next day…he wanted sex like that, he really did. It would be so much more real and they'd become closer once Ed realized Alphonse wanted him like that…he wanted it to be real…

 _'…but what if he regrets it because he's been drinking?'_  his mind supplied very quietly.

When the thought first came to him it was independent of his mouth, body, hands and aching need between his legs…but once he acknowledged it…it made sense of Edward's forward behavior very quickly.

Alphonse opened his eyes while Edward was changing the angle of their kiss and he looked to the desk, he narrowed his eyes at the wine bottle. Ed hadn't eaten, he'd been asleep just moments ago and he'd been drinking…

 _'How intact is his coherence right now?'_  Alphonse asked himself.

It was a bad combination any way he looked at it and the result seemed to be a lot like New Year's night when Edward had been drinking for hours and then had come home and been far more sexually forthcoming…with very little encouragement from Alphonse.

This was the same…

He drew back from Edward's warm, wet mouth and took in a deep breath as he was wracked with disappointment, let down again, he hated that he had to stop what was happening but he didn't want it to be just another thing Edward would feel guilty for and stress about when it was over.

 _'It'll never get better if we keep being together because Edward's forcing himself somehow…'_  he could almost feel himself on the verge of shaking, especially since the next part of his thought was abrasively hurtful.

The factual thought that  _every single time_  Edward  **ever**  slept with him…it was forced.

Edward asked him what was wrong, his voice thick with arousal and husky…and his slightly rough hands caressed Alphonse's skin beneath his shirt firmly…

…it was hard to concentrate when every slight sensation sent another pulse of heat to Al's groin but he forced himself not to make this mistake for both of them. If Edward wanted –if he ever really did at all- to have spontaneous sex, then he should do it without any substances affecting his basic lucidity.

"Edward…" Alphonse only managed a very quiet tone as he looked into Edward's smirking face "…you were drinking after I left?" he tried to approach the subject lightly but his own hurt and disappointment were pretty overwhelming and seeped into his tone.

He already felt like crying just for the fact that he needed to be strong but he wanted to give in, it'd be easier and so satisfying to let it play it out…but afterward it would just be another fuck up and Edward would walk around with an apologetic look on his face that always Alphonse sick and angry –with himself.

"Yeah…" Edward answered honestly, he didn't sound like he knew why Al was asking and he wasn't slowing his advances, Alphonse had to pull back again when Ed sucked on his lip…the teasing was so unfair because Al wanted it but not under these circumstances.

"How much…are you drunk?" Al knew there was no point in asking, but he was hoping –stupidly- that Edward would smile more normally and say 'no' confidently so Alphonse could justify himself in dragging Ed to the bed to get what he wanted.

Edward shook his head,

"No…I'm not drunk, maybe just a little uh…very slightly tipsy." He said it in the same low voice and he had a look on his face that told Alphonse he didn't understand where the questioning was going.

There was no point dragging it out, Alphonse was only torturing himself by hoping they could continue so he pulled back completely from Edward and stepped out of his arms, the loss of warmth and the smell of his older brother was like a wave of emptiness…it'd be so easy to be selfish again, it'd be easy to take whatever Edward was willing to give and just ignore the emotional consequences.

"Al, wha-…"

But he couldn't do that…because he'd told Edward he didn't want to hurt him anymore and taking selfishly just because Ed felt obligated to give was the same as hurting him intentionally. It was the same problem all over again, the same cycle of events, one of them was always sorry and always guilty…

 _'It'll always be like this, it'll never be_ _ **normal**_ _.'_  He swallowed down a swell of hurt and anger and braced himself emotionally to face Edward,

"The last time you acted this bold with me was New Year's night when you'd been drinking." He tried to explain, his voice slightly shaky, "You came on to me in the lounge that night just like now, teasing and touching me and acting just as…well the way you're acting now…smiling and talkingto me like that." He clenched his jaw and shook his head, despising how close he felt to crying.

He knew he had to keep himself calm, if he started getting emotional and crying Edward would only get worse, there'd be guilt and an argument, or pointless wrongful apologies and tears. He needed to be strong in order for Edward to be…he was his older brother's Achilles Heel and would never take advantage of that again.

He watched as Edward frowned, looking worried already and he'd hardly done anything to bring on such an expression,

"You…don't like it?" the question was said with sincere uncertainty but Alphonse heard the anger beneath it, he'd known Edward had been angry earlier so it didn't surprise him that it was still somewhere in there.

Edward had always had a problem dispelling anger in any way that wasn't violent.

He didn't want Edward to think  _for a second_  that he didn't enjoy it, he enjoyed everything and anything the older blonde did to him and for him so he didn't hesitate to correct him,

"Oh no, I like it very much…" he said sincerely and looked Edward right in his eyes but Edward only frowned more and was starting to look worried again, his anger lost somewhere in the change of emotions on his face, "…but I'd like it to be you  _completely sober_  coming on to me like that, not being spurred on by a lack of sleep, anger and substance induce lowered inhibitions." He explained calmly, his voice was tense because his throat hurt from his restrained emotions but he felt like he had control of his tears for the moment.

He watched as Edward fidgeted and looked around the room, the tension in his posture was visible and Alphonse was pretty sure he hadn't done a very good job of not upsetting the older blonde,

"Anger?" Ed asked bluntly.

Alphonse thought about what he'd said and realized he'd pointed it out to Edward, he didn't want to fight but everything he said just seemed to make Ed more tense so he tried again,

"I've been watching you all my life, I may not be very good at determining your less expressed emotions…" he mumbled that part, "…but I know all the faces and physical tells of your anger far too well." He answered honestly and calmly.

Before he'd properly finished Edward insisted he wasn't angry, his tone alone contradicted his words, he was clearly angry,

 _'Maybe I made him angry now, he didn't seem angry before …'_  he frowned, wondering again if he should have just went along with it and dealt with another –possibly longer and worsening- case of Edward's avoidance and guilty self-loathing.

He huffed to himself, irritated with his own willingness to give in and be selfish. He decided to change the subject,

"Will you at least sleep in the bed with me tonight?" he looked at Edward again, hopeful that they could.

He was surprised by how angry Edward did in fact look when he faced him again, frowning and clenching his jaw as if Alphonse had just insulted him.

The younger blonde blinked a few times when Edward snapped at him,

" **At least?"** his tone was angry and irritated, "You say that like I didn't just ask you to have-…" he trailed off and Alphonse frowned sadly and clenched his own fists in frustration at his ill-chosen words. He watched as Edward tried to calm himself and he thought of how he could correct himself, his throat was starting to close up and his chest felt sore, he wanted to cry but he fought it.

He needed to let Edward know he hadn't meant it like that, he just wanted to sleep next to him and be held,

"I want to Edward, I really do…but…rather when you haven't been drinking." He hoped he'd said the right thing that time, it was the truth. He wanted to have sex but he just didn't want it to be after Ed was drinking.

He felt like elaborating, he felt like telling Edward to have some coffee and a shower to wake up a little and then see if he still wanted to and if he did, they'd see whether he was willing to be so bold about it.

But that idea just screamed 'bad' and he knew it would only piss Edward off on the level where the older blonde would lose his temper and they'd really start yelling. It was rare when the older blonde got into an all-out shouting match with him…but it did happen and those were the arguments Alphonse always lost.

When Edward argued passionately it was usually because he was absolutely sure he was right and would  **not**  be told otherwise. And Alphonse had to admit…usually in those arguments Edward was right…

"What fucking difference does half a bottle of wine make!?" Edward's voice was already rising and Alphonse was trying to think of a way to diffuse the tension, for one thing he wasn't going to yell,

"It makes you do things you wouldn't do, especially since you're  **tired**  and you didn't  **eat** anything…you're not doing this soberly." He said quietly, explaining his logical reason  _why_  Edward needed to let it go.

He couldn't say he didn't want Edward to do something he'd regret because that would be poking at the older blonde's guilt and the result would be the opposite of anger, which would be worse because Al wouldn't be able to stop himself from crying if Ed started to apologize and blame himself saying things like 'I'm not good enough' and 'you deserve better'.

It made Alphonse physically sick to hear those words because they  **were not true**  but Edward really believed them.

Edward wasn't saying anything and he still looked angry, his breathing was a little tense but overall, Alphonse felt like the worst might have passed. He'd been calm and reasonable, he hadn't taken advantage of Edward's weaknesses and he'd avoided making it worse, he mentally patted himself on the back. He still felt like he might cry, he was still disappointed and hurt, he still felt like the truth in all of this was that no matter what…Edward would never want to be with him naturally…but the  _worst_  of that moment had passed and for right then, he just wanted to lay down with Ed and be held. He wanted to sleep…

So he turned and walked the few steps to the bed side before he started pulling the sheets back, stopping himself from sniffing as his trembling started. It was so hard not to lose himself in his own unhappiness, it was hard to be strong for someone else.

It always amazed him to think of how strong a person Edward had to be all through their teenage years, Al had thought he was strong too but since he wasn't really  **feeling**  anything all that time, he hadn't known just what Edward was dealing with. That suit of armor had made him soft and sheltered him…he hadn't known what it felt like to be eaten away at by guilt, fear and stress.

 _'Brother, how did you do it?'_  he wondered as he straightened up, staring at the white sheets and remembering how Ed would always smile and say he was fine. It didn't matter if his automail ached, if he was bleeding, bruised and had broken bones from violent life threatening altercations, if he was cold from rain or sunburned from hot weather, if he'd had a hard day dealing with the military…if he wasn't sleeping because he was researching for hours…he'd always  _lied_  and told Alphonse he was…fine.

The first tear slipped over his cheek and he blinked weakly a few times as his lips trembled,

 _'He was_ _ **never**_ _fine…not until he'd restored me…and then…and then I did_ _ **this**_ _to him.'_ he quickly wiped away his one tear before it encouraged more and he stifled a sound of frustration as he tried to get his twisting insides –rife with guilt – to stop wringing out his emotions.

"You didn't have a problem with it the last time…" Al opened his damp eyes and tried to even out his expression as he absorbed Edward's soft spoken words. He swallowed sorely and sighed shakily as he started to turn around,

"…or the time **before**  that, when it fucking  _suited_  you."

He turned the rest of the way slowly and when he was facing Edward the older blonde was facing away from him, the older blonde's posture was rigid and his fists were clenched tightly, his frame shaking with…anger, Alphonse assumed. He blinked a few times and frowned, trying to understand what Edward had said…his tone had been so harsh and gruff it'd over powered the words for a moment.

"The time before that…?" he mumbled, part of him was thinking of a new way to diffuse the tension, part of him was struggling with his emotions and another part was trying to understand what Edward had meant.

There'd only been one time before when Edward had been drinking and had gotten close to him which was New Year's. There'd been no time before that incident, he didn't understand. Ed hadn't had any indulgences in alcohol that Al knew of prior to that and he didn't take drugs or medication. Alphonse frowned as he tried to think of the last time before New Year's where Edward had had even the slightest amount of alcohol…

"Forget I said anyth-…"

"Oh…" he heard himself say as the words and their  _meaning_  sunk in like he'd been dropped into ice water.

Alphonse felt like he'd been severely winded, for a moment he couldn't breathe and his mouth hung open, his already squirming guilt rushed up into throat and made him feel like he was suffocating. He moved his mouth uselessly at first and then he breathed out after a deep ache passed through his chest,

"O-oh..." he was finally able to breathe and he rasped out what little air was in his lungs as he curled his ice cold finger tips into his palms harshly, clenching his fists as he started to shake with the shock of realization.

Edward had made a blatant statement, he'd said something he'd probably wanted to for a  **very**  long time.

 _Or the time_ _**before** _ _that…_

 _…the time_ _**before** _ _that, when it fucking suited you…_

 _…_ _**before** _ _that…_

 _…when it fucking suited_ _**you** _ _…_

Alphonse heard it over and over again in his head, hammering away at his battered conscience and tearing his insides apart as the guilt he'd been trying to deal with for so long came forward painfully. He didn't even realize he was crying until he heard himself sob and became aware of wetness on his face and lips…he couldn't even see Edward for a moment as his vision was blurred with warm liquid.

 _'I knew it, he resents me…he knows exactly what I did to him, he knows. Everything he does for me is out of obligation and guilt and every time he sleeps with me it just makes it worse, he probably can't really stand to touch me or look at me but he still tries and it's all because I used his weakness and love for me, I took advantage of him.'_  The pain and shock were like tidal waves, all of his fears were confirmed for him.

Everything he was in denial about…was laid out in the open just like that. Edward knew…

He knew Alphonse had pushed…he'd wanted…he'd  **manipulated**  and Edward had only ever tried to love him.

 _'How can he stand to look at me?'_  Alphonse blinked away little streams of tears as Edward reached out to him, he was saying something but Al didn't hear it, he just pulled back, trying to put distance between them because even now, Edward was reaching out to him when he should by all rights not  **want**  to be near him.

He backed up some more until he felt something against the back of his legs and he unsteadily sat down, his mind told him it was the bed and he clutched the soft sheets in his shaking hands as he stared blankly at the floor,

 _'I'm still sick, I'm completely sick…to have continued this all this time when I_ _ **knew**_ _what I was doing. I deluded myself into thinking Edward would be okay. How the fuck would he be okay?_ _ **I forced him to sleep with me!**_ _'_ he screamed at himself mentally and clutched the sheets as tightly as he physically could as he cried.

Everything around him became an unfocused blur and he turned in on himself…

For the longest time he felt himself cry, his body felt weak and he shook and it  **hurt** , his throat ached and every muscle ached from the tension and heaving. He gripped his hair until it hurt, he dug his elbows into his knees and he clenched his teeth…and he heard nothing but ringing, some of his sobs and his heart beat thudding loudly in his ears.

This was reality…and it wasn't  **fine**  and it would never be  **okay**  and it could never be  **right**.

And he had to face it.

He didn't know how long he sat that way but it was when he swallowed at some point –so sorely it ached- that he heard a pop as pressure was released from his ears and he could suddenly hear himself breathing quietly. Slowly he became aware of every ache in his body, he felt the pain in his throat and sinuses, he felt his headache throb, he felt really cold and stiff…

He sniffed and it burned so he blinked his eyes, they burned as well but he blinked a few more times anyway and raised his head, the first thing he saw he focused on…

"Edward?" he hadn't even realized Edward was right there, on his knees at his feet.  _'Was he here the whole time?'_

He saw Edward start when he spoke and then he looked up, his golden eyes were bloodshot and slightly puffy,

"Yeah?" he asked quietly, his voice sounded as awful as Alphonse's own.

When he looked at the pain and worry in Edward face he said the first thing he'd been wanting to,

"I'm s-so s-sorry…" it was desperate and breathless…and useless because it changed  **nothing**.

He watched as Edward looked at him confused, as if it didn't make sense and the look made Al stare at him in disbelief as he asked what Alphonse was sorry for.

 _'What have I done to you Edward…that you can sound so sincere when asking me that, that you can pretend like you don't know how sick I am?'_  he wondered almost absently, still feeling detached from certain aspects, his physical pain and Edward's presence were his main focus at the moment.

"I'm sorry for w-what I did to you, I'm sorry I m-manipu-lated you into th-is…" he knew he should explain, he should just say it, he felt like if he said it Edward would have to face it too.

He'd have to face that Alphonse was sick and had done horrible things to him to get his way.

"…Alphonse  _stop_  it,  _please_. Don't…" Edward sounded hurt and his breaths were unsteady.

Alphonse shook his head slightly, even as his throat closed he forced himself to tell Edward the truth,

"Y-you love me, all you've  **ever**  done is love me…" he forced out and pressed his face into his shaking hands, "…I'm so f-fuck-ing selfish…and by being selfish I've made you as  **sick**  as, as I am-…" he heard himself speaking and he was starting to feel extremely tired.

"Stop it,  **please** , Alphonse." Edward sounded desperate now for him to stop talking.

So he would.

He belatedly became aware of a new sensation against his cold wrist, Al removed his hands from his face and his vision remained blurred for a moment from the pressure he'd been putting on his eyes before he was able to focus and he realized Edward was  _touching_  him.

 _'How can he stand to touch me?'_  he asked himself again and started to take Edward's hand off his arm.

He should have let it go…but for a moment…a last moment, he held on to the warm hand with both of his own and rubbed the soft skin of the back of Edward's hand. He rubbed over the faint scars, slightly raised veins and the strangely red and broken skin of the older blonde's knuckles, he listened to Edward's breathing as he stared at the thin, but strong hand he held and let himself focus on that only.

"I shouldn't have said that…I'm sorry." Edward apologized.

Alphonse felt his stomach lurch slightly at the words and tone,

 _'Edward should not be apologizing to me.'_  he knew it, he couldn't let it keep happening.

"It doesn't matter what you said, that's not the issue. The problem is that we're brothers, Edward." He said it honestly, as he always thought it but had never wanted to deal with it.

Edward had always wanted his little brother back…and Alphonse had taken that away from him so easily.

 _'Because I'm not who he thought I'd be, I'm just as fucked up as anyone else, I'm just as weak, my mind is weak…weaker now that I'm in the flesh.'_  He nodded subtly to himself.

There was nothing else to be said, this was the end of it, this was as far as it'd go…even if it'd already gone past the farthest point, he would stop it. They couldn't go back…but going forward, he would no longer inflict himself on Edward.

"I'm tired, I'm going to bed." He felt like he had no energy as he weakly removed his hands from Edward's. He didn't wait for agreement or acknowledgment, his head was pounding viciously and he just needed to close his eyes…and if he didn't wake up…he wouldn't mind.

But if he did, he'd make things right,

 _'I'm your brother, I love you Edward…and I'll love you properly, I'll love you as your brother just the way it should be…'_  he laid down slowly, he was aware of the fact he was and shouldn't be in his brother's bed, but he was too weak to make it anywhere else right then…so he curled up near the wall and closed his eyes.

_'Tomorrow will be different.'_

The pain in his chest did not ease.

* * *

Alphonse sat at the kitchen table, spooning milk and cereal into his mouth absently as he stared at a spot on the table.

He'd woken up that late morning with an intense headache and unsettling nausea and five minutes later he had been in the bathroom on his knees throwing up the contents of his mostly empty stomach. Afterward he felt better, it was as if he'd been holding it in, the need to purge his stomach. He'd sought out headache pills and took four of them once he'd decided it was safe to leave the toilet bowl, then he'd proceeded to take a hot bath and clean himself up. He'd even looked at himself in the mirror when he was done and decided he needed a haircut, his dark ash blonde hair was starting to get a little too long.

He'd dressed himself in a white t shirt and dark jeans and then made himself a bowl of cereal, which he was presently eating very slowly so as not to disturb his sensitive stomach too suddenly. He'd learned a lot of lessons about violently throwing up not too long ago…lessons he'd not soon forget.

He swallowed another mouthful of his sugary flakes and then he lifted the glass of water beside him and sipped it slowly, taking in only a little at a time, sugar for his energy levels and water for his dehydration after vomiting. He paused for a moment and moved his flakes around in the milk, he scratched his nose absently and pressed his bare feet together, one on top of the other…looking down at his cereal with a blank expression.

He felt miserable, he felt a little tired, his body ached and his throat was sore but he wasn't going to let it get him down because for once he wasn't unsure of what to do, he wasn't confused about where to start or how to proceed. If there was one thing Alphonse could do without needing help or guidance…it was be a brother.

He'd been doing it all his life. And now he had to start doing it again…

No, he hadn't forgotten a  **single** thing that had happened the night before, in fact, in waking –after medicating away his headache and taking a bath to wash the cold sweat from his skin- he remembered everything with crystal clarity. Edward  **didn't**  hate him, he knew his brother would never hate him, but resentment was different.

It was ugly and it festered…but it could be healed.

Alphonse didn't dare think it'd be easy to fix the damage he'd done to their relationship, when he'd been looking at everything from his selfish perspective he hadn't seen just how bad things had become but now that he saw it from an objective perspective…

Now he knew that he'd tampered with something unique and rare, he and his brother had a relationship that had been closer, ran deeper and was more bonded than other siblings, than other people in general. They'd bound themselves to each other spiritually as children, when they'd  **already**  been close as it was.

They needed one another…and in needing one another, lines were easily blurred…

He knew now that he'd severed many things between them by crossing and blurring those lines…but the main thing he'd been hacking away at between himself and Edward…was the trust.

"Edward doesn't really trust me, how can he?" he asked no one as he raised another spoon full of the cereal to his mouth and ate it, crunching slowly,  _'I've lied to him and taken advantage of him. I need to absolve him of his obligation to me, an obligation I created by manipulating him. He doesn't owe me anything.'_  he nodded to himself and swallowed sorely, his throat felt raw.

He sipped a little more water and then took another moment, trying to help his weak stomach cope with his minimal intake. He wouldn't stop eating, getting better required being healthy and if he started neglecting his body, his mind would suffer.

"That's exactly what happened the last time, I was neglecting my health and the weaker my body got the less I was able to deal with my mental problems." He nodded again at his whispered self-confession, he spooned up another lot of slightly softened flakes, "I can't do that again, I need to stay in touch with myself, I need to let Edward see I'm not helpless and that he doesn't need to bend to my will and destroy himself to make me happy." He clenched his jaw at the harshness of his own words. But he needed to hear it from someone…

He knew what he'd been doing and he would not do it anymore.

He sighed quietly as he chewed and swallowed before taking another sip of water.

* * *

He smiled via the mirror at the middle aged barber,

"Thank you, it looks good, you always do a great job Mr. Jeffrey." Alphonse said as he looked over his freshly cut hair, it was more or less the same, just shorter in the back and his fringe was less in his eyes, exactly as he liked it.

"Well son, you always want the same haircut. I can't really mess that up or I'd be really bad at my job." the older man laughed good-naturedly as he placed his barbering utensils down on the tray.

Alphonse waited as the man removed the cover from around his shoulders and then he stood up and leaned closer to the mirror to get a better look.

He leaned back after a moment, ignoring the slight darkness under his eyes and picked his satchel up from beside the barber chair before turning to walk over to the counter where the cash register was. He took out the Cenz from his wallet as he waited for the man to come over as well and he paid with a smile.

"When is that brother of yours gonna let me get my hands on his hair?" Mr. Jeffrey asked with a raised eyebrow as the register popped out and he fished out Alphonse's change.

Alphonse blinked slowly and smiled,

"Edward won't ever change his hair length, he never lets its get any longer than his lower back but he never trims off more than an inch or so either." He explained evenly despite the tension he felt as he tried to work out whether to refer to Edward as 'brother'.

 _'Maybe it's too soon.'_  He nodded to the man once he received his change and bid him goodbye as he left the barber shop.

Alphonse walked among Central's early afternoon crowds in the cool weather, the rain from the night before had cooled down the spring temperatures in Amestris but it wasn't cold, just sort of fresh. He was glad that despite his throat and body being sore from all of the tension he'd experienced the night before, his voice was normal and he could speak properly.

It would have made going out a little harder if he'd had a rasp, especially since the barber was talkative and nosy and so was the librarian at Central Library, which was where he was currently headed.

He had decided to skip out on going to university that day, he didn't feel quite well enough for that.

He was able to make small talk well enough and deal with trivial matters, but having to be around peers, Elizabeth and concentrate in lectures would be too difficult. Alphonse felt like he was taking the day off to get his feet under him, he was fully dedicated to what he had to do in theory…but readying himself to apply it would require some time alone to let the weight of his decision fully bear down on him.

The decision to end his 'relationship' with Edward.

Saying it and thinking it was easier than having to actually do it would be. Because he was in love with Edward and he did want to be with him, that hadn't changed. He was just making the decision for Edward that the older blonde hadn't been given a fair chance to make for himself…

…Alphonse was doing what Edward would have surely done had he not been manipulated and deceived. He would have never let Alphonse have his way.

He would have stayed at Alphonse's side as a brother and only a brother.

Which was how it was meant to be…

Alphonse grimaced at the constant pain in his chest as he walked briskly to the library, he was enjoying the small work out and he found himself looking forward to going out running the following morning with Edward. He knew he could use some decent cardio, he was starting to get 'flabby' as Edward always called it.

Tomorrow however, seemed like it was a long way off…

Alphonse was worried about exactly how the evening would play out now that he'd resigned himself to severing their romantic relationship, he wondered how very intensely it would hurt to be around Edward while having to smother his feelings after so long of being indulged. He wanted to be prepared for the crushing pain that accompanied his decision…he had to learn how to manage it. He thought about what he'd done after breakfast that morning, he'd removed his few clothing and personal items from Edward's bedroom, it'd been hard and he'd gotten the shakes as the initial weight of what he was doing had started to settle in...he'd felt the crushing feeling in that moment. It felt a lot like being slowly suffocated…

It'd taken a while to ease, even after he'd left Edward's bedroom with armfuls of his boxers, shirts, some toiletries and books, it'd still hurt and felt like he was doing something wrong, even though what he had done was actually the right thing…

He told himself to be proud for staying strong, he'd even been strong enough to go back and remove the partially used bottle of lubricant from Edward's bedside drawer and then also the sealed one in the bathroom and he'd thrown them both away and taken the trash out to finalize it.

The emotional pain had been present and had almost made him curl on his own bed and cry but he'd forced himself out of the apartment again before he had a chance to…

He wanted to be proud but…he'd still have to face Edward that evening and he knew that if it was hard when the older blonde wasn't around, it'd be much harder when he was. It'd be even  **worse**  when Edward noticed the things he'd removed…

Alphonse neutralized his thoughts as he reached the library around 45 minutes later, with a heavy heart but a clear mind and he greeted by the librarian, he exchanged a few words with her –librarians seemed to like him- and then he made his way to the section of the library he hadn't been in since the previous year.

The section that held all the books of psychology.

* * *

He read for hours.

He came across many books.

Some of which had relevant material and some that didn't.

The –not deafening but peaceful- quiet of the library and the lack of people where he was sitting helped him concentrate.

None of what he read was really helpful and he wasn't surprised, after all there were no books in the library about brothers whose souls were bonded together right before they suffered a life altering tragedy that took them away from each other physically but not mentally, emotionally or consciously.

There were no books on siblings who had dedicated their lives to one another and had literally risked and sacrificed their lives to be together again as brothers.

There were no books on siblings who had overcome all odds, obstacles and been through a great deal of horror to be happy again. So of course there were no books on how to deal with the  _psychological repercussions_  that might follow such circumstances.

But there were plenty of books of various mental illnesses, incest and its psychological causes and mental dangers, co-dependency disorders, coming to terms with tragedy and trauma, how to know if you are a psychologically manipulative and there was even a book called 'Are you a Psychopath? Know the signs'. That last one had been interesting…but alas, he didn't fit the profile.

To some degree Edward did though…which was kind of amusing.

Over all it'd been a vast waste of time and Alphonse still had to find a way to deal with his sickness unaided but he wasn't all that intimidated by the prospect, he still had Edward to help him once the emotional healing finally started. The one thing that never faded between himself and Edward was their love for each other, it was a brotherly connection that Alphonse had –for too long- wrongly loathed, but now, he was deeply grateful for it.

Because it was the one thing that would make righting his many wrongs possible.

Alphonse left the library after putting all of his books back on the shelves and tucked the single book he'd checked out into his satchel, it was a fiction book. He occasionally enjoyed reading fiction, the stories could be really entertaining and distracting when the authors were good and he had a few personal favorite writers that he enjoyed the works of.

He walked along the streets in the later afternoon crowds, most people only got off work at 5 pm but others earlier so it was relatively busy since it was just after 4.30. He passed a group of middle school children as he walked and he looked at their uniforms and the bags and books they carried. He wondered for a moment what life would have been like if he and Edward had grown up…normally.

He'd wondered before if he'd have had the same sickness he did now, whether he'd have still been sexually attracted to his own brother. But he doubted it, something about their life circumstances was responsible for it and even if he didn't know what, he knew it had happened sometime while he was in the armor.

Something had changed in his mindset toward Edward, something he hadn't noticed until it caught up with him.

He allowed himself to think about what life might have been like if things had been different, he imagined himself and Edward being like  _ordinary_  siblings, having separate friends, having separate interests, having separate lives, going to dances with pretty girls and falling in love, leaving home to start separate lives when they came of age…

He couldn't help the nausea after a while so he stopped thinking about those things because it was upsetting him.

Alphonse nearly walked by his destination since he was so deep in pained thought, he turned into the pharmacy he usually worked in on the weekends and greeted the staff he was familiar with.

He purchased some over the counter sleeping pills…because he expected he'd be needing them to get to sleep in the future, at least until he got used to sleeping alone again and then he left after confirming with the store owner what time his shift the next day would be.

After he left the pharmacy the walk to the apartment building was quick, it was still early enough for him to get a load of laundry done before they closed the laundry room for the day and he found himself looking forward to the mind numbing task. So he rushed across the lobby and had just started up the stairs…when he heard his name called out.

He felt a shock of cold wash over him instantly and his anxiousness returned full force at just  _hearing_  Edward's voice. Alphonse took a steadying breath and turned around on the stairs to look across the lobby at his older brother walking quickly towards him with a small smile on his face.

 _'What's he doing home so early…and why is he smiling? I wish he'd stop the pretense…'_  Al turned again when Edward reached him and skipped the first steps to stand level with him. He glanced at the older blonde when he greeted and Alphonse said the first thing he'd thought of in response,

"Hey…you're home early." His voice was quiet.

Alphonse kept his eyes ahead as they climbed the stairs, Edward had only been in his presence for a few seconds and he already felt his confidence slipping. The older blonde had been smiling as though he was relieved about something and he looked tired and handsome and it was really hard for Alphonse not to notice those things.

He swallowed sorely and clutched the strap of his bag.

"Yeah…" he heard Edward take a breath as if he'd been about to say more but he just fell silent again, Alphonse suspected it was because people were coming down the stairs toward them.

He was glad for the people interrupting Edward, in case he'd wanted to say something about the previous night. Alphonse didn't want to talk to about it, he didn't even want to think about. He just wanted to walk away with the revelation he'd had and move forward…anything else would be too difficult to handle right then, when his stomach was already in knots over just being in Edward's presence.

It wasn't fair that he loved Edward as much as he did, yet he wouldn't change it for anything. He just had to suppress the part of his love that was wrong and then things would hopefully start to get better…

The silence the rest of the way up was a great relief, it gave him time to decide that he was going to be a coward for right then and hide away from Edward in his bedroom.

It seemed like a safe enough plan, Edward had never been the type to intrude in his personal space unless he had good reason, so he'd just close himself in there and try to get his shit together. He needed the time alone to work on his emotional management, doing that would ease the physical manifestations, like the new pain he was suddenly feeling, an ache in his abdomen so painful it made his legs weak.

 _'Could be muscle or intestinal spasms from the constant stress, it kind of burns, so maybe a developing ulcer or inflamed esophagus…'_  he tapped into his knowledge of the anatomy, he knew the cause, now he was sorting through the symptoms so he could work on the treatment next.

Like the three phases of alchemy, except it was medicinal.

He waited as the older blonde unlocked the door and he walked inside first when Edward gestured for him to do so, he quickly placed his bag down and started to step out of his shoes while Ed closed the front door,

"So Al, how was campus today?"

The question made him look at Edward and he stepped back when he noticed he was partially in the way of the older blonde moving to put his bag down. Alphonse was focusing so hard on keeping his emotions and pain off of his face that he'd zoned out slightly, he glanced at Edward and replayed the words in his head so he could figure out what to say in response,

"I didn't go to campus, I wasn't feeling up to it."

It was the truth, after waking up late and throwing up he hadn't felt like it  **at all**.

Alphonse then walked into the hall quickly, wanting to get to the bathroom and close himself him in. He was feeling a little warm and dizzy from the unrest and stress rushing to the surface.

It dawned on him that they were alone now…in the apartment…which was supposed to be their sanctuary away from prying eyes where they could be together…but it wouldn't be like that anymore.

He would never again feel Edward's kiss…

He practically threw himself into the bathroom and shut the door as gently as possible with shaking hands, he clenched the handle for a moment and tried to steady his breathing while he placed his other hand over his stomach,

 _'It'll be okay, Edward won't do anything he doesn't think I want and I just have to stay away from him. He only ever touched me because I wanted it, once he sees I'm not…that I don't…'_  he let out a shuddering sigh and turned to go to the counter to drink some water,  _'…it'll be fine, he'll understand.'_

He was only able to pass two minutes in the bathroom before he was ready to leave and he stepped out, his stomach did another nervous flip when he spotted Edward waiting for him. His first instinct was to ignore the older blonde and go straight to his bedroom, but he knew if he did that there was a good chance Ed would know something was wrong…and that would be reason enough for him to come knocking.

To avoid that happening Alphonse turned to face him, swallowing sorely and frowning slightly at Edward's somewhat confused expression,

"What is it?" he asked quickly, wanting to be alone.

He'd assumed it'd be hard to face Edward after the night before, but it was proving to be far more difficult than he'd thought. Alphonse tried not to let Ed's sad expression cut him  _too_  deeply, it was already making all of his physical pains worse,

"Are you okay? What did you do today?" the older blonde asked with a put on pleasant tone.

 _'I wish he'd stop forcing himself to be nice to me.'_  Alphonse let the irritation fuel his strength and resolve, if they were ever going to be normal brothers again, they had to move past the fake intimacy,

"Yes I'm fine, I went to the library, I wanted some time alone." He said it as firmly as he could and he thought he saw Ed flinch, his blink was a bit sudden and he swallowed a bit obviously.

Alphonse clenched his fists, wanting to grab Edward and hold him, apologize…kiss him. He wanted to kiss him…

"Okay. I hope…you uh, feel better now." Edward mumbled and lowered his eyes submissively.

Alphonse didn't stick around long enough to give in to his rapidly crumbling resolve, he turned down the hall and headed toward his bedroom quickly,

"Thanks." He said quickly and once he was at his door he went inside his bedroom quickly and shut the door.

Alphonse shut his eyes tightly as he leaned against the door, his breathing was slightly erratic but he felt like he had his urge to cry under control. He nodded to himself, praising himself mentally for the small amount of control he was able to hold on to.

After a minute of quiet breathing and clenching his eyes shut he felt like he'd calmed down enough, he inhaled deeply and opened his eyes, glancing around his bedroom until his gaze fell on his unused bed.

There was a crease in the covers near the pillows, the spot that CookieBoots usually occupied but the kitten was nowhere to be seen right then. Besides the cat, he'd never even really laid on the bed before…

He sighed and pushed himself off the door, his legs felt slightly wobbly and his stomach was still tense and sore but otherwise he was steady on his feet as he walked to his desk.

He leaned on the back of the desk chair as he sat down, huffing once he was sitting and then with a tired sigh, he placed his head on the desk, closed his eyes as and wrapped his arms around his aching midsection.

He knew the pain he was feeling was stress related,

 _'I need to get anti-anxiety medication before it gets as bad as it used to be_.'

He sat for a while giving the ache in his stomach a chance to lessen and he heard Edward close himself into own bedroom soon after. He sat up once he felt better and glanced over the books on his desk, he moved a few aside off a pile and smiled as he pulled nearer one of the books Edward had bought for him in Creta. He'd read some of it before but hadn't completed it, so he opened the book to the index and skimmed the contents…

…and while he read, he did his best to remember how it calmed him and soothed him so he could try to summon the same feeling and state of mind when he inevitably faced Edward again.

* * *

Alphonse had ventured out of the room –quietly- to retrieve his fiction book from his satchel at some point. He wasn't aware of exactly how much time had passed when he'd finally put the alchemy book aside and decided to read something lighter.

Presently he was engrossed in the fiction story about a mass murderer, an angst filled love affair and several corrupt main characters, he had been for about an hour when a sound he recognized made him snap his head up from leaning over the book.

He blinked and frowned slowly.

He'd heard a clap.

Alphonse knew it could only have been Edward,

 _'So he_ _ **does**_ _use his alchemy.'_  He thought angrily and keened his ears in the harsh silence of the apartment.

His anger ebbed when he didn't hear any telling sounds of an active array, not the hum, the crackle of energy, the deconstruction and reconstruction of base material. He didn't even feel the energy which was strange because he assumed he was close enough to feel even a small active array…but it was as silent as it had been before the clap.

He frowned, feeling sure he'd have been able to hear if Edward were transmuting something, it was never a silent process. Alphonse sighed and rubbed his eye a few times as it itched,

 _'That was weird…'_  He pursed his lips as he contemplated what the clap could have been for if not alchemy.

His first assumption was that Edward was fixing the crack in the tile that Alphonse hadn't bothered to sort out but having not heard or felt anything, he didn't know if the clap was even related to alchemy. Not that he could think of another reason for a single sharp clap…

He sighed again and looked around the bedroom idly, leaning his elbow on the desk and his chin in his hand,

"Maybe it was too small to feel or hear…" he mumbled to himself, slightly puzzled by such a random thing.

He hadn't heard Edward clap like that in  _years_.

His thoughts slowly turned to something that'd been on his mind for a while, the thought that sometimes it seemed as though Edward couldn't use alchemy. He knew that broken dishes were hardly incentive for Ed to make the effort. Alphonse had considered that maybe the older blonde preferred to use his alchemy on bigger things  **or**  if he did actually choose not to use alchemy, maybe he'd only deviate from that stupid decision if something serious was happening and he  **needed**  to use it.

 _'Maybe I should ask General Mustang, he gives Edward work assignments which means he knows what skills Edward's putting to use. He's working on a building project, it probably involves alchemy…'_  he realized at that moment he didn't actually know all that much about what work Ed was currently involved in but something about it did strike him as odd and he narrowed his eyes at the wall,  _'…but if it's an alchemic building project, then why is it a nine month long contract? It should be done in a month or two at the mo-…'_  he sat up straight when he heard a door open.

Edward's bedroom door.

He listened carefully to the sound of Edward closing his door again and then his footfalls as he walked down the hall. When the steps paused outside his door Alphonse tensed in his seat, he felt a small burst of painful panic and he quickly started to gear himself up to deal with whatever Ed was coming to talk to him about.

 _'Calm down, calm down…'_  he breathed quickly and quietly a few times.

He had broken out in a cold sweat when he heard the steps carry on through the hall passed his door, he could only discern them because of Ed's automail on the tile. He let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding and wiped his cold forehead as he stood up and approached his door.

Alphonse's stomach lurched when he heard another door close, too faint to be the bathroom next to his bedroom, he frowned and grabbed his door handle tightly, pushing it down gently and pulling his door open. The only other doors in the apartment besides the bedrooms and bathroom were the closet and main door,

 _'Is he going somewhere this late?'_  he felt the burn in his stomach get steadily worse at the stress such an idea caused.

People who went out late on a Friday were always going to clubs or bars to meet people, he didn't know exactly what time it was but it had been several hours since he was home and he knew it wasn't damn well early.

He stepped out of his bedroom and walked down the hall quickly, stepping around the corner into the entrance area and his eyes dropped down to Edward…who was putting on his boots.

Alphonse swallowed sorely, feeling the tension and stress already clutching at his insides and throat. Alphonse watched as Edward did a double take when he looked at him, apparently surprised to see him standing there. The older blonde stood up quickly, Al inhaled the smell of faint pleasant deodorant and his mind reared in the incestuous direction at the sight of Edward standing in front of him in a form fitting black jeans and shirt.

 _'…why the fuck does he look so goo-…why the fuck is he going out looking like that?'_  He frowned at Edward when the older blonde asked him if he'd been asleep.

 _'Why, did you want to sneak out?'_  he thought angrily but didn't say aloud, he had no claim to Edward…he was giving that up and he had to stick to it. His anger quickly wilted against the steady pain he felt,

"No, I was reading…" he said stiffly and he looked over the older blonde again before he averted his gaze back to Ed's uncertain expression. Al tried to think of something less hurtful than the ideas coming to mind of  _where_  his older brother was going or who he planned to see there, "…you're going out somewhere?" he asked quietly.

Edward's eyebrows rose slightly, it was as if he hadn't really expected to be asked that,

"Uh, yeah…I'm meeting…uh, some people." And his answer just sounded like a lie.

Alphonse frowned and licked his lips,

"From the military?" Al hoped it was, he really did.

"No, some other people." Edward answered with an uncomfortable frown.

Alphonse felt a burn behind his eyes when he realized Edward was going out with people he didn't know and that it could be anyone, it could be someone close, old friends, new people, it could be a  **date**.

He felt very sick and tried to make it look like he was crossing his arms as he held his midsection when it ached,

"Friends?" he frowned and tried to maintain eye contact, he hoped to be able to tell if Ed was lying about anything.

"…yeah." Edward said quietly and didn't elaborate, he did fidget slightly but Al didn't know if that meant anything.

It was  **horrible** …he felt lost for a moment and he just stared at Edward and clutched his mid-section.

 _'I can't stop him….no wait, I can, I can tell him I don't want him to go.'_  He swallowed sorely,  _'But I shouldn't, he's my brother, he's my brother…it hurts…fuck…Edward's my brother…'_  he managed to keep his facial expression at a mild frown even though he felt sicker by the second.

Edward was just quiet, just staring at him with a worried, uncertain frown on his face.

Alphonse wanted to cry, he wanted to reach out…he wanted to touch Edward in any way at all, even just a hug, it wouldn't matter, he just wanted to feel some sort of closeness. Fighting himself like this really brought to light how sick he was and it scared him.

He wouldn't reach out to Edward, it would only make it harder to stop himself from doing anything else if he gave in right then. He felt so bitter. He felt so scared.

Edward sighed quietly,

"If you don't want me to-…"

"No, you go out with your friends." He said quietly, "You don't need my permission." He added as his insides shook under the strain he felt.

Edward was his brother and could go wherever and do whatever he wanted to…that was the way it should be.

He looked at Edward again and it hurt so bad when he realized Ed was leaning in to kiss him, the thought of being kissed out of forced intentions hurt his pride and dignity and guilt but he still wanted it.

Alphonse clenched his teeth and closed his eyes…he turned his face away quickly and felt Edward exhale shakily against his cheek when his kiss was avoided.

The breath on his skin made him tingle, he swallowed sorely and stepped back from Edward, he didn't look at the older blonde since his eyes were starting to moisten,

"I'll probably be asleep when you get back…" his throat ached as he forced the words out, "…good night Edward, I love you." His voice shaky but he had to tell Edward at least that much.

Without waiting for a response –not really expecting one- he turned into the hall and walked on wobbly legs back to his bedroom as quickly and quietly as he could.

Just like earlier he closed himself in softly and leaned against the door, except this time he was crying noiselessly and shaking as he slid to the floor and drew his knees up to his chest.

He suppressed the sounds of his crying until he heard the main door close…and then he cried in earnest but not too loudly. It felt like the beginning of the end and it hurt to know what he was giving up, but it hadn't belonged to him in the first place.

 _'He was never supposed to be with me…'_  he clenched his teeth together so hard that it hurt.

* * *

When Alphonse woke up to the sound of chirping birds the following morning…it was with another splitting head ache and many, many sore muscles. He groaned quietly and rolled from his side onto his stomach, pressing his face into a cool spot on his pillow,

 _'…at least…I'm not nauseous…'_  the thought sluggishly came to his partially awake brain and he felt relieved.

As he breathed into his pillow and his head throbbed steadily, he slowly replayed the previous night's events, maintaining the calm he'd woken with and only feeling slight anxiousness at the recall. His thoughts drifted from his pathetic crying induced headache to the point where he'd taken two sleeping pills and laid down.

It had been very effective, he had slept like the dead and couldn't remember hearing anything between laying down the previous night and his waking just a minute earlier. He rolled back onto his side and sat up slowly with a grimace, it was just his head that really was a problem but it was nothing some of those trusty headache pills couldn't fix.

As he shuffled and shimmied out of his sheets and off of his double bed, Alphonse remembered that it was Saturday. He ruffled his sleep mussed hair as he pulled his bed side drawer open and pulled out his pocket watch,

"…it's almost six, a bit late but salvageable." He mumbled sleepily to himself as he placed the watch back in the drawer.

Alphonse left his bedroom quietly and slipped into the bathroom, he wasn't going to take a shower because he intended to go out running so he just relieved himself, brushed his teeth and washed his face before he went back to his bedroom to pull on a running pants and shirt.

* * *

Once he was dressed and had brushed his hair out of its untidy state he walked to Edward's bedroom door, taking deep breaths to steady himself. He stopped outside the door and reminded himself that they were brothers and that not everything between them was romantic or sexual.

That's what he'd been telling himself the night before while he cried with his back to the door…before he medicated himself to sleep.

 _'We're going out in public, our interaction has to be strictly platonic.'_  He nodded to himself, feeling like being outside would make it easier to get the day off to a good start.

He was about to take another deep breath before knocking but it caught in his throat when the thought occurred to him that Edward might not have come home last night, he hadn't heard anything. For a moment he hesitated outside Ed's bedroom door, considering going to check if the older blonde's boots were at the entrance but that wouldn't confirm it for him.

Edward had lots of boots, it wasn't like he knew the difference between them.

 _'He's never not come home before, never in our entire lives, why would he do that now…?'_  his mind questioned helpfully.

There was really only one way to know for sure though, Alphonse frowned and took a deep breath, trying to steel his emotions and already unsettling stomach for whatever he might find or not find in his brother's bedroom.

His mouth felt slightly dry by the time he had worked up the nerve to raise his hand and he knocked twice firmly, he would no longer just walk in, it wasn't his bedroom to do so. When he didn't hear anything he took a few more breaths and knocked louder and a few times more,

"Edward?" he said loudly and quickly so his voice didn't quaver.

When he still didn't hear anything he let out a shuddering sigh and gave into the shaking of his stomach, no longer tensing his body against the pain. Alphonse placed his hand on the door handle and opened the door…

Edward raised his head and looked at him with a sleepy frown before his head flopped back onto his pillows and he mumbled something with a groan while rolling onto his back. Alphonse felt relief wash over him so quickly his sudden smile expressed it and he exhaled as he slowly stepped into the room just a little ways,

"I came to wake you up,  we should go running." He said audibly.

He watched as Edward rubbed his hands over his face before he moved to sit up, leaning on one hand as he did so. Edward pushed his mussed bangs into some sort of order behind his ears before he focused his half-awake gaze on Alphonse again and he blinked slowly before he sighed,

"…you what…wanna…go running?" Edward said tiredly and frowned.

Alphonse looked away from him for a second to get himself back on track, the sight of his older brother looking so adorable and just woken reminded him of how warm Edward's body was when he woke up, how soft his skin was and how firm his body felt when being held…

He cuffed a hand through his hair tensely,

"Y-yeah, we always do on a Saturday. I only start work at 11 and it's still early, we have plenty of time." He said in the general direction of the window and then glanced back to Edward because he heard movement.

He watched Edward toss the sheets off himself before he shifted to the edge of the bed where he sat for a moment rubbing his eyes, he'd been asleep near the middle and Alphonse pitifully wondered if Ed had missed him while sleeping alone in his bed.

Just as quickly as he wondered he blinked the thought away and cleared his throat softly,

"I'll make you some coffee, I know you need it to get started…change up and stuff quickly in the meantime." He said as pleasantly as he could and before Edward could say anything he backed out of the bedroom and closed the door.

Alphonse took a few more breaths as he walked to the kitchen,

"I'm doing good, I just have to be strong…" he said as quiet encouragement to himself.

He put everything together for Edward's coffee just the way he liked it, slightly bitter, strong and black but he held off on the boiling water because the older blonde hadn't finished getting ready.

Alphonse sat down at the kitchen table and listened as the bathroom door opened, Edward had gone in about ten minutes before and then there were footfalls and his bedroom door closed.

He took another breath as drummed his fingers on the table as he planned out the morning,

 _'We'll go running, get some exercise that'll make us both feel better. Then when we get home I'll get ready for work…then maybe later, when I get home, I'll finally have worked up the nerve to tell him my decision.'_  He frowned and absently glanced at the clock, not even registering the time it told, ' _Or maybe I shouldn't tell him and just let him figure it out…no no, that's a very bad idea. I should tell him…'_  he was nodding to himself when he heard Ed's bedroom door open again.

He got up quickly and picked up the stove kettle to pour the hot water into the coffee, he was starting to stir it when he felt Edward's presence in the kitchen…and then close behind him. He hadn't expected it –even though he should have- and he visibly tensed up faster than he was able to stop himself, leaning forward against the kitchen counter. He chanced a glance over his shoulder and watched as Edward took a step back, looking a little worried and  **definitely**  hurt.

Alphonse exhaled a little louder than he would have liked and he stepped away to the side, gesturing toward the mug of coffee,

"It hot." He managed to say as he tried to smile.

Edward didn't smile at him, he didn't even say anything…he just nodded weakly and stepped forward to take his coffee. Alphonse felt like a right piece of shit for that reaction, he could only imagine what Edward was thinking about his behavior from the day before and right then.

 _'He probably doesn't realize what I'm trying so hard to do, he must just think I'm angry at him. If his apologies from yesterday are any indication then he definitely thinks I'm upset about our argument. I should just tell him…'_  he shook his head to himself when Edward wasn't looking.

He watched as Edward drank the hot coffee faster than could have been pleasant due to its temperature and then he dropped his mug somewhat noisily into the sink,

"Let's go." Ed said quietly and didn't even turn around to look at Alphonse as he walked out of the kitchen.

With a grimace and a hand on his stomach, Alphonse followed Edward out of the kitchen. He reached the entrance just as Edward was taking their running shoes out, the older blonde didn't look at him as he handed Alphonse his pair.

Once they had them on and laced, Edward pulled his keys out of his black running pants and opened the door, once again he stepped aside and gestured for Alphonse to go first.

They left the building in silence and once they were outside Edward didn't wait to start jogging in the direction of the park and Alphonse followed suit, keeping pace with the older blonde on the mostly empty sidewalk.

Alphonse glanced at Edward once or twice, he noticed the older blonde looked tired and a little sallow…and blatantly upset, which Al knew was due to what had happened in the kitchen moments earlier. He didn't know if he should apologize, he was worried that if he brought it up Edward might turn it into a conversation and start asking about his behavior.

He wasn't ready to answer to that yet.

So they jogged in silence for twenty minutes until they reached the park entrance and turned onto the set jogging/walking path. Usually they'd circle the park two or three times for their standard run, it was a big park and so it counted for plenty of endurance running and Alphonse assumed they'd do just that.

They also usually talked though and even though he was feeling guilty, sore and worried about Edward and what he was thinking as he ran so silently, Alphonse knew that talking would be good for them, it was what  **brothers**  should do. He glanced around the open space, inhaled the fresh air and felt a bit of tension leave him, in public he knew he couldn't even look at Edward inappropriately which made it easier to cope with his feelings.

He was managing not to let it bother him too much that he'd indirectly rejected the morning kiss he'd have probably received from Edward if he hadn't recoiled from it in guilty shock in the kitchen. He took that as a good sign…and ignored his sore stomach.

He nodded to himself as he jogged beside Edward while trying to think of a completely neutral topic of conversation, when he finally thought of something he looked over at Ed, the older blonde's ponytail only swung slightly with Ed's even steady pace and his expression was still tense.

"Ed, I was wondering about what work you do at the construction site?" Alphonse tried to make it sound casual around his slightly accelerated breathing.

He saw Edward frown slightly but he didn't look at Al,

"I supervise the manual labor." He answered audibly.

Alphonse looked at the running path ahead and then at another jogger passing them before he turned his attention back to the conversation. Edward's answer was straightforward yet didn't explain anything really,

"Do you help…I mean with the manual construction?" he glanced at Edward again.

There was no answer for a moment and then Edward glanced at him,

"Why?"

Alphonse hadn't expected the blunt question,

 _'He's upset with me, probably doesn't feel like talking…'_  he tried to decide if he should keep talking but he was still worried that it would somehow turn into a discussion about their relationship.

"I was just curious, never mind." He was going to smile but Edward didn't look at him.

After another stretch of running where they'd nearly rounded the park one full time, Edward slowed down and eventually came to a stop. Alphonse did as well after he saw that the older blonde had stopped, he breathed in and out slowly as he looked around the empty area. They were on the far end of the park now…most joggers didn't run the full circle of the path…so it wasn't likely anyone was going to come by at regular intervals.

Alphonse swallowed thickly, his throat was dry from running plus he was getting nervous, he was wondering if Edward stopped so they could talk out there? It wouldn't make sense, Edward didn't approve of talking about their situation publically…

"I was thinking maybe we should spar, we haven't done that in a while." Edward said, his hands on his hips as he breathed fast but steadily, he was looking at a large grassy area next to a fountain off to the side of the path.

Alphonse didn't know whether he was relieved to hear that, it meant no conversation but it involved physicality at a time when he was trying to avoid contact,

 _'This is normal, we always did this…he's my brother, we're in public, don't sexualize it.'_  He scolded himself and nodded when Ed looked at him again, "Yeah that sounds fine." he licked his dry lips.

Edward nodded too and started to walk toward the grassy area, Alphonse followed and watched as the older blonde started his first stretches of a set Al was familiar with. He chose not to watch Edward stretch out all of his lean muscles and instead faced away toward the pretty fountain and started his own stretches.

It took about five minutes to stretch out his already warm muscles, Alphonse eased himself out of his final quad muscle stretch and then he stood up straight and turned to Edward. He was a little surprised to find Edward standing and watching him thoughtfully, Alphonse opened his mouth,

"Are you ready?" he touched his neck nervously.

Edward nodded and smoothly shifted his feet just a little further apart, the older blonde hardly ever assumed a fighting stance and he didn't right then either, instead he just raised his hands up waist high, palms upward and hands tilted inward and waited, his face impassive. Alphonse walked closer so they were about a meter apart and got into his default fighting position, his most relaxed and favored one, his hands raised at a specific angle, chest high with one leg slightly behind his leading leg, knees very slightly bent.

Edward made the first move, his hand lashed out quickly at a shoulder high angle and Alphonse quickly deflected with an open hand, pushing it to the side. There was no force behind their actions, it was just contact sparring after all, it hardly ever counted as more than a few skin slaps and grapple holds.

They got a little more serious with their 'attacks' after the first ten minutes of going through the motions. Edward deflected a firm kick from Alphonse that held enough force to leave slight bruises on Al's shin and Ed's forearm. Alphonse flinched a second later when he had to deflect a harsh punch aimed at his side and then side step to avoid a kick aimed at his thigh.

He used one of Edward's favored evasive moves and flipped backwards with an agile momentum, hands on the ground first and legs over after; he landed in a crouch with some space between himself and the older blonde to catch his breath. They were both out of breath and a little more untidy and dusty by that point. Ed was grinning,

"Nice one, Al…" he said sincerely and Alphonse watched him flex his hands.

Alphonse stood up slowly and took in deep breaths,

"Thanks." He smiled back.

Edward nodded,

"Are you okay, we're not really contact sparring anymore, you wanna slow down?" he asked as he stretched his arm across his chest.

Alphonse quickly shook his head, it felt good to get a little worked up, he could feel the burn in muscles –and less in his stomach- he hadn't exerted himself since his initial physical fitness training with Edward after he'd recovered fully from the Gate. He used to push himself so hard before but now he felt like he'd been so lazy all along,

"No, I think we should keep going. I feel good…maybe we should spar normally, fully offensive and defensive?" he grinned as he also stretched his arms out.

It was starting to get a lot warmer as mid-morning rolled in.

The park was still empty enough at the end they were on but every so often someone went by and stared at them as if they were crazy. Edward raised an eyebrow,

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yeah." Alphonse nodded surely.

Edward smirked,

"Okay, Al." a second after he said it he ran at Alphonse.

The younger blonde barely managed to duck the kick Edward sent at him and he quickly deflected another kick. When he hurriedly side stepped Ed's next aimed attack he felt a little more confident, it almost came naturally to him once he got into the flow and soon he was throwing his own punches and kicks every chance he could manage between Ed's hits and evasions.

It was tiring after a while and it made him realize he needed to work on his physical stamina, he was starting to feel sluggish whereas Edward didn't look any more worn out than he had when they started. He wasn't about to complain though, the way he felt right then was much better than when he hadn't felt anything at all in the armor.

He appreciated how physically taxed he felt.

Now that he was experiencing the breathlessness, the ache in his muscles and the places where Edward's hits landed against his blocks, the warmth of overexertion making him break a sweat…he realized just how much harder it was when you could  **feel**  the fight.

Still, he was proud of himself for doing so well, he couldn't help smiling at how much he was enjoying himself…and the fact that Edward was smiling too.

He wasn't oblivious to the flush of Edward's fair skin, the exertion of his muscles making the veins stand up along his forearms, the sheen of sweat on his skin or his bangs clinging to his face slightly…but he didn't let himself think about it too much.

He was determined to enjoy this activity, free of his sick lust and it was working out pretty well.

After a beat of catching their breaths again Alphonse attacked first this time, he pushed himself to move as fast as he could and threw a flurry of punch and kick combinations at Edward. He noticed the older blonde had only flipped once and cartwheeled or jumped a handful of times so far and he assumed it was because there was no height difference between them.

Before Edward had to flip, maneuver and evade skillfully to avoid being hit or to land a high hit to the armor, but now his lean legs could kick above Alphonse's height and anything Al did could be blocked or deflected from natural angles and vice versa. It really was very different now…and it was far better.

Edward continued to skillfully deflect and ducked the Alphonse's hits, his ponytail flailing every time he side stepped, ducked or shifted quickly and then it happened…so quickly Alphonse wasn't even sure how.

One of his punches made it through Edward's raised forearms and thwacked him on his jaw with force enough that the older blonde's head snapped back. Alphonse immediately froze, he was about to panic and apologize –since he hadn't expected that to happen- but he barely managed to throw himself backwards in order to duck a round house kick from Edward just a second later.

Edward had used the momentum and pivoted around fluently with a kick that would have hurt very much if it had connected. When Alphonse had his defenses up again and was some distance from Edward he noticed the older blonde didn't seem fazed at all by getting hit in the face and was still grinning.

"Don't let your guard down Al, I nearly landed that last kick." He chided teasingly.

That playful warning tone was so Edward like it gave Alphonse shivers, when last had Ed looked so vibrant and alive with color and pleasure? Even when they had sex, Edward never looked so completely…excited. His golden eyes were bright, his skin was flush and his grin was wicked.

Alphonse swallowed tensely, trying to push his thoughts in a different direction,

"I hadn't expected to land a hit on you at all, I guess I was just surprised." He admitted.

"Don't be," Edward said firmly, "you've have the skill and the execution down perfectly. If we do this more often your confidence in your abilities will get stronger Alphonse, you'll fight more surely. You pull your punches even though you're fast enough to land them, you defend more than you have to." Edward said somewhat seriously but he kept his smiling, "You don't have to hold back, I can take a few punches, no problem." He added and cuffed his knuckles over the spot where Alphonse had punched his jaw.

Alphonse nodded but wasn't nearly as sure as Edward was, he didn't feel like he'd been holding back or pulling his punches, he was actually pretty fucking tired and was making an effort to get his attacks out,

 _'Maybe I'm just not in top shape, like he said if we do this more often, I'll improve.'_  He agreed and smiled at Edward,

"We should do this more often, I missed it." He said it before he could stop himself, he didn't want to say things to bring up those sorts of feelings.

Alphonse watched Edward with a bit of worry but the most reaction he got was a short nod,

"We will, now that I know you're up to it we can get a much better work out and stay in top form."

Alphonse nodded in agreement and soon they'd started their next round.

It was more intense than the previous rounds and Alphonse could feel himself being worn down a little faster, still he pushed past it and had Edward defending himself just as much as Al himself had to. At one point they grappled and Al tried to flip Edward and pin him but the older blonde moved too quickly, twisting and flipping himself away and Alphonse barely dodged a kick to his chest as the motion played itself out, Ed's shoe clipped his shoulder and it stung slightly.

Following the same motion Alphonse braced himself when Edward came at him again, looking for the entire world like he was going to throw a punch so Al prepared for it. It took only a few seconds for Edward to reach him and for him to raise his arms to defend…but he saw it too late, Ed wasn't planning to punch him, he was planning to run him through…with a knee.

Alphonse couldn't get his leg up in time to block and took a fully impactful knee to his solar plexus.

The air left his body so quickly he could taste blood in his throat from the force and his eyes clenched shut harshly as he hardly sounded out a strangled groan. He doubled over and expected to hit the ground on his knees first and then to fall flat on his face since he was weak  **all over**...but he never fell. Instead he was held firmly and kept standing, his chin rested on Edward's shoulder as he struggled to breathe while pain spasmed through his entire torso.

"Fuck, fuck fuck fuck, I'm sorry, Alphonse I thought you were going to block, shit, I'm sorry!" Edward's voice was panicked and full of concern.

Alphonse couldn't even breathe let alone say anything in response, all he could feel was sharp pain after sharp pain shooting up through his sternum as he struggled to catch his breath and his vision blurred…and he felt like he might throw up.

He realized they were on their knees after a moment, he was leaning again Edward who was trying to uncurl him,

"Don't fold in on yourself, you have to stretch out so you can catch your breath…" Ed's voice was shaky, he was obviously worried, his hands gently tried to pry Alphonse's arms from around his mid-section and push his shoulder back at the same time.

 _'I'm okay…it just hurts really fucking badly, I wonder if it'll make my stomach pains worse…'_  Alphonse wondered as he was finally able to groan, he shut his eyes tightly again as more pain from his sudden intake of needed air ached his chest.

When he opened his eyes again a second later, Edward had laid him on his back on the cool grass and had pushed his curled up knees down and pressed a firm hand to his shoulder so his torso was flat on the ground. Air seemed to come a little easier and Al took a few coppery rasping breaths before he finally felt some relief in his constricting lungs.

As he took in more needed air he felt his chest slowly stop hurting, but his abdomen throbbed with pain as well as his knuckles…and every little bruise and scratch he'd acquired suddenly announced itself. He didn't feel quite so good any more…

Alphonse realized there was a cool sweat damp palm on his cheek and he opened his eyes –when did he close them?- breathing heavily as he looked up into Edward's concerned pale face,

"I'm sorry, I thought you were going to block it, I really did." He said quickly and moved his hand, his fingers brushed over Alphonse's lip and the younger blonde frowned and swallowed as everything came back into focus properly.

"You're bleeding, is it from your throat or your stomach?" Edward asked worriedly.

Alphonse shook his head quickly,

"M-my throat…I'm fine." he hoped and smiled weakly to calm Ed's panic, he didn't want to ruin the mood with stress and worry, "I was just…too slow." He said with a sore laugh, his mid-section ached badly and he tried to curl up again but Edward stopped him gently.

Alphonse had never been hit like that… **ever** …and if he never was again, it'd be too soon.

Edward shook his head,

"I shouldn't ha-…" Alphonse knew where it was going so he shook his head quickly,

"Don't make exc-uses for me, I'm r-rusty." He insisted and started to sit up, grimacing as he used his abdomen muscles to pull himself up and nearly fell back at the sudden pain it caused.

Edward helped him quickly, one hand on his upper arm and the other behind his back supporting him,

"Next time, if someone hits you in your solar plexus, you can't fold up, Al. They'll kick the  **crap**  out of you if you hit the ground…distance yourself as much as you can and  **stay on your feet,**  try to stay up straight so you can breathe." He was giving the advice based on concern alone, Al could hear it in his voice, a faint quaver of worry in his tone and it made him feel warm and loved.

Edward didn't want anyone kicking the crap out of him.

He turned his face and looked at Edward with a weak smile,

"I'd like to think that I'd be good enough to not let just anyone do this much damage." Alphonse defended himself half-heartedly and was aware of Edward rubbing his back lightly and how close their faces were.

"Yeah, well…just in case…for whatever reason…" the older blonde mumbled and let out a sigh of relief, "…I'm sorry."

Alphonse shook his head and sighed softly, enjoying the moment of comfort for what it was,

"Don't be, how will I ever be able to fight if I can't even take a hit." He was able to breathe normally now, his throat burned a bit and he hurt in many places but he was feeling better already.

Edward hummed and slowly sat back on his legs from his kneeling position, easing off his hold on Alphonse,

"I guess that's true… _still_ …" he sighed again and Alphonse raised his eyebrows at the older blonde, he couldn't help smile when Edward smiled at him, "…you know I'd like it better if you never got into any fights."

Alphonse shook his head,

"Honestly Ed, you're so soft." He said affectionately and watched as Edward tried to pull his face in disagreement but couldn't really since he was still smiling.

They sat for a moment, a few people went by and glanced at them, before Edward stood up and offered a hand,

"We better get back, we've been out here for about two hours." Ed pointed out.

Alphonse took his hand and let Edward pull him to his feet,

"…crap, I have to take a shower before I can go to work." He groaned and had to lean hunch slightly when he was standing since it hurt. Edward put an arm around his shoulders and tried to get him to stand up straight,

"You could just not go to work at all." He mumbled.

"Edward, I told you I like having a job." He grimaced as he stood up straight…sort of.

"Yeah yeah, whatever." Edward fanned his hand lazily in dismissal of the topic.

Alphonse shook his head as they started walking and eventually they started jogging –much slower- in order to wind down their muscles and make it back to the apartment faster.

* * *

When they got back Alphonse went straight to the bathroom.

He pulled off his shirt as he entered and then looked at himself in the mirror, he blinked at his untidy hair and the slight dirt and sweat patches on his face and neck…then he looked at the rest of himself as he leaned on the counter.

He had bruising on his forearms and upper arms and the worst and largest slowly forming and soon to be awful bruise was spreading over his lower sternum, it was very visible against his fair skin, red, purplish and blue.

And it hurt constantly, he was still hunching slight and when he tried to touch it lightly his abdomen trembled as if he was afraid to touch it but was trying to anyway,

"Ugh…" he whined to himself and pulled a face at the steady dull ache, he realized he actually felt a little shaky.

"Al?" Edward popped his head into the open door and Alphonse looked at him first via the mirror and then he glanced at him over his shoulder.

Edward looked very very sorry as his eyes landed on the forming bruise,

"Shit, that's going to hurt like a bitch, Alphonse." He said quietly and walked in, coming to stand beside Alphonse…who was shirtless and feeling weak and tired.

He tried not to think about his less than fully dressed self and looked at the forming bruise again,

"I'll just take pain killers." He mumbled and broke out in involuntary goosebumps as more sore spots ached.

"That'd help some but you should put ice on that for a while and lay down." Edward added quietly, "You really shouldn't go to work, Alphonse." he said more firmly and frowned, concern etched into his face.

Alphonse was a little more than surprised when Edward's hand –strangely warm- touched his abdomen just below the bruise and his stomach trembled away from the touch because it was so close to the injury but also out of vulnerability. Alphonse frowned, he felt like he might cry,

 _'I like it when he touches me…but I can't…'_  he was completely aware of Ed's hand very lightly tracing the bruise.

He inhaled and exhaled shakily, feeling so worn out and even weaker since he could feel Edward's breathing against the top of his bare shoulder,

"Are you okay?" it was a simple question but it was also a weighted one.

It was a question about everything happening between them and not just the bruise forming on his torso,

"Y-yeah...m' fine." Alphonse could feel the start up his anxiousness in the pit of his stomach, making his abdomen pain worse. Edward's warm hand was still just over his navel and the older blonde's breathing was quiet,

"You promise?" Edward looked at him and Alphonse turned his head to look at him, their eyes met and they held gazes for a moment before Al nodded very slightly.

To Alphonse, Edward didn't look angry, resentful or forced…the older blonde really looked like he wanted to be that close to him. It felt so right,

 _'But that's because I made it like this, I…pushed him until this was the only option he had to make me happy.'_  His stomach clenched and he hunched slightly with a soft groan, fighting back the urge to cry.

Edward's arm encircled his waist gently,

"Come to the lounge and sit down, I'll get you some ice." He said softly.

Alphonse nodded, trying not to think of Edward's closeness as he turned around when Ed did and they left the bathroom together. Al walked just fine but he had to hunch over slightly and Ed stayed close with an arm around and his hand on the younger blonde's shoulders.

When they reached the lounge and Alphonse sat down Edward shook his head and propped some pillows up against the armrest,

"Lie down Al, don't sit…it puts tension on your abdomen." He explained quietly.

Alphonse didn't argue and did as told, he was shaking now…but not only because of how exhausted he felt, his thoughts were stressing him out, running around in confusing circles about what he wanted and what was the right thing to do. He watched as Edward left the lounge once he was lying down and he let out a shuddering sigh and grimaced as more aches moved through him.

He knew it'd feel really good to have Edward's non-platonic affection right then, to lie on the couch next to him, to feel his warmth an smell his faintly sweat laced skin.

Alphonse was swallowing thickly and trying not to look as miserable and pained as he felt, he listening as Edward moved around in the kitchen and then there was silence for a moment. Eventually he came back into the lounge carrying a cold compress and a hand towel and he walked over.

Alphonse could see he was planning to kneel so he shifted up making some space for Edward to sit next to him, he grimaced as he did so but then smiled weakly at Ed's frown to show he was okay.

With a sigh Edward sat down,

"This is gonna hurt for a second…" he warned quietly as he raised the compress and very gently placed it on the bruise. Alphonse hissed shortly and it turned into a quiet groan as the ice cold compress bit into his sore skin unpleasantly, once again he broke out in goosebumps and clenched his eyes shut.

"I'm really sorry." He heard Edward sigh and opened his eyes again.

"I'm okay, I'm just…sore…" he said quietly, feeling cold from the compress on his sensitive skin.

"I know you're not used to getting hit…but…it shouldn't be this bad Alphonse?" it was a question, Alphonse could hear it in his tone. He wanted to know what else was going on that made him so ill, weak and shaky.

Al shook his head, it was all he could do to answer since his throat and stomach hurt and he didn't want to speak, he stared at Edward with half lidded eyes, telling the older blonde how much he loved him in his thoughts.

It was really quiet for a while, a few minutes passed…and Edward's gaze went from confused, to thoughtful and then finally to affectionate…and then he shifted.

Alphonse watched as Edward leaned over him and placed a hand on the side of his head before he leaned down…

When Edward kissed him he quivered weakly and puckered his lips slightly, it was hardly even a kiss, just a touch of lips. Alphonse immediately started berating himself for not being stronger, he closed his eyes as the need to cry returned. Ed kissed him again, slightly firmer and parted his lips, exhaling against Alphonse's lips and he gave in to Ed's affections, opening his mouth.

He clenched his fists at his sides tightly as Edward kissed him –hesitantly- he could feel himself shaking and the guilt that had been unleashed the night before started to rampage through his body, the pain all settling in the already injured area of his body. He breathed shakily into Ed's mouth and brought his arms around his mid-section while frowning deeply, he weakly moved his tongue against Ed's tentative licks, he was too distracted by how much it hurt inside his chest…

He wished he could allow himself to kiss Edward back properly, ardently…to show Ed just how much he wanted him, how much he always did and always  **would**  no matter what happened. But that would just hurt more in the end…

So instead he tried to focus beyond the guilt and pain in order to memorize the taste of the older blonde's mouth, the way his kiss felt as well as the sensation of his breaths ghosting over Alphonse's face gently, warm and lightly shaken…the way he smelled, the way his mouth moved against Al's…slowly and tenderly.

To Alphonse, in his guilt ridden state, it felt like the kiss was a question…a question of 'yes or no' from Edward.

And Alphonse couldn't bring himself to answer because no matter what he knew he had to do or how strong he wanted to be, saying  **no** to Edward would be like betraying the older blonde.

So he didn't say anything or do anything, he just lay quietly enduring the pain and tried to savor Edward's kiss, however much it hurt…because it would be the last time he ever experienced it.

Reality really hurt…everything was hurting and Alphonse hated most how he went from enjoying Edward's kisses so completely the day before to being in practically  **writhing**   **pain**  from it right then…but he knew it was because he was guilty of creating the unnatural relationship they had.

It felt like a long time passed but it hadn't, before Ed drew back. Alphonse exhaled weakly as Ed's lips left his own, he clenched his teeth and kept his eyes shut tightly, turning his face to the side and holding onto his stomach just below the compress as he shivered.

"Alphonse…" Edward's voice was very withdrawn and Alphonse didn't open his eyes, he couldn't look at Ed. After a moment the older blonde continued, "…Al, if you don't want me to…kiss you…anymore…or t-touch you, you just have to tell me, just say so…okay?" his voice sounded very strained and so sad.

Alphonse felt like his heart stopped in his chest before the painful aches continued again and he took in a few shaky breaths and tried to turn on to his side away from Edward's warmth, love and his willingness to do  _anything_ , regardless of pain, sadness or hurt.

 _'I'm sorry…I love you, I'm doing this because I love you…'_  Al forced himself not to cry, he just continued to shake and suffer internally, keeping his eyes screwed shut.

He inhaled sharply when the cold compress was lifted and warmth from his own body slowly flushed to the area before something dry and soft dabbed over the bruised area gently. Next he felt Edward get up, his weight left the couch and Alphonse listened to Edward's footfalls leave the lounge and he instantly curled into himself and rolled on to his side facing the couch,

 _'I have to tell him…'_  he clenched his teeth, curling up seemed to ease the pain a little at least.

His breath caught when Edward came back into the lounge and Alphonse kept his eyes shut still, even when he felt a blanket settle over him,

"I'll call the pharmacy later and tell them why you couldn't make it." Edward said quietly from somewhere above and behind him and he clenched his fists against his chest and nodded weakly, not really caring.

He heard Edward start to walk away and curled in on himself further to keep himself from turning over and trying to reach out, he did however, force himself to speak,

"E-Edward?" he said sorely.

The footfalls stopped,

"Yeah?" came the quiet reply.

Alphonse felt tears finally slip from his clenched eyes,

"We're b-brothers…I just w-want…" his shallow breathing was starting to make it hard to speak.

"It's okay, Alphonse. I understand…now try to sleep, you'll feel better." Edward continued to speak gently.

It was infuriating for Al how  **accepting**  Edward was.

 _'You don't understand!'_  Al swallowed and grimaced at the constriction in his throat.

"I'll be right here…" Edward said audibly,"…in my room, just call me if you need anything." Al listened as the footfalls faded down the hall after those soft words of reassurance.

The tears left his eyes but he didn't sob, he felt too weak…once again he'd left Edward to reassure him that everything would be… _okay_. He'd changed their relationship with only a few words, words that didn't even explain or make sense, words that hurt him and he was sure hurt Edward somehow…and yet, Edward was willing to do it… _anything_ …as long as it was what Alphonse wanted.

Alphonse slowly opened his eyes and stared at the couch, feeling disgusted with himself,

 _'Does this mean, it's over…now that I've told him?'_  Everything he'd spent painful months trying to create…had it really ended just like that. Would Edward really  **never** kiss or touch him again?

It was the right thing to do…it was right…

…but it felt so incredibly wrong that Alphonse's entire body continued to shake.

Alphonse licked his lips slowly, more tears slipping from his eyes as he thought of Edward's lips being on his only minutes ago and he clutched the couch cushion under his head with both hands while clinging as he finally started to sob audibly.

He felt like a  _complete_  coward, wanting to fix everything but unable to follow through…because he was too scared to say the words that would explain what he wanted to do, he was too scared to actually say anything that would end it...

In that moment…Alphonse experienced the cold, bone deep pain of a little death…a coward's death.

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quote: Caesar-
> 
> "Cowards die many times before their deaths,  
> The valiant never taste of death but once."


	6. Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks - to Vienna Wood for editing this chapter, your assistance is very appreciated.
> 
> NB: I'd like to apologise not only for the delay of this chapter being done but also for the content quality in general. I have been ill with the flu and my writing suffered.
> 
> \- I mention in this chapter that Edward had stayed in the military lodgings from time to time, seeing as how he was with the military for quite a few years I felt it was a safe assumption to make that occasionally he had to stay at the bases for different lengths of time.

 

 

 

_Well if we take all these things_  
 _and we bury them fast_  
 _And we'll pray that they turn into seeds,_  
 _to roots and then grass_  
 _It'd be all right, it's all right,_  
 _it'd be easier that way._  
 _Or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain_  
 _Like it knew it was time_  
 _to start things over again_  
 _It'd be all right, it's all right,_  
 _it'd be easier that way._

* * *

 

Edward knocked once on the bedroom door and then walked in; he was carrying a bowl of warm sugary oatmeal with banana slices in it and a tall glass of apple juice in either hand.

He smiled at Alphonse as he approached his younger brother's bed,

"Morning, Al." he tried to keep his voice pleasant despite his worry.

Alphonse smiled at him but it did nothing to brighten the ill complexion of his skin, if anything it just highlighted the visible lack of weight in his face, making his naturally angular jaw look far too sharp.

He'd been sick for about a week.

It worried Edward deeply because despite the doctors discharging Alphonse from hospital and saying that he was stable, they had also warned that Al was susceptible to just about all and any germs and would be for a while so he would have to be extra vigilant about taking care of himself. His immune system was nothing short of pathetic due to his lack of nourishment and emaciation.

It had been almost a year since his restoration so far and in that time Alphonse had taken ill a handful of times, he'd been given various antibiotics which in the beginning seemed to make him even sicker. But as time went on his body started to recover from flus, coughs and allergies faster and more naturally, he got stronger every day, kept weight on easier and his skin tended to bruise far less from small bumps or touches.

But he still wasn't one hundred percent.

Edward sat down on the single bed next to Alphonse's legs, the younger blonde was sitting up with his pillows propped up behind him,

"How're you feeling?" Ed asked as he placed the not too hot bowl into Alphonse's sensitive hands.

Al nodded and placed the bowl on his lap over the blanket covering him and his several layers of clothing,

"Thanks. I'm feeling better, I think I've caught this strain of flu before…it's not as bad as it was last time." His voice was stuffy from congestion.

Edward raised a skeptical eyebrow but he tried to smile as he nodded,

"That's good I guess, the doctor did say we shouldn't worry too much since you're past the worst." He placed the glass down on the bedside table and opened the drawer, reaching inside for the four bottles of pills he knew were in there.

"I'm sure eventually I'll be like you Brother, you almost never get sick…" Alphonse trailed off, putting a spoonful of the oatmeal into his mouth.

Edward sorted the pills, three of them Alphonse had to take every day, they were different vitamins and an immune booster to aid Al's health. The fourth bottle contained his recently prescribed flu medication, Edward placed the four tablets on the bed side table next to the glass of juice for the younger blonde to take when he was ready.

Edward sat there as he usually did when Alphonse was sick and confined to his bedroom, watching his beloved younger brother eat his easy to digest breakfast –Al always enjoyed the bananas most in oatmeal- until he was done. Then Edward would watch him take his medication, not because he doubted Al would take it, but just because the younger blonde wasn't fond of swallowing pills –or used to it- and sometimes he choked a little.

Edward liked to be there to tell Alphonse that it was okay, it was just a gag reflex and that nothing was wrong with his ability to swallow. Despite being intelligent and knowing that, Al still got paranoid…as did Edward, about every little thing.

That morning went well though, Alphonse finished off his oatmeal and then swallowed each pill –one by one- without any problems and he smiled afterwards, proud of himself and Edward smiled too, just because Al was smiling and it made him so happy to see it.

"What do you want for lunch, Al?" Edward asked as he placed the empty glass into the empty bowl, ready to leave Alphonse to sleep.

"Is Granny making lunch?" he asked quietly as he pulled the blanket up to his shoulders with a small shiver.

Ed shook his head,

"Nope, she's in town for the day and Winry's busy with an automail rush order, so you're stuck with my cooking." he said with a small grin. Alphonse laughed quietly,

"So then I have the option of anything burnt, overcooked or undercooked?" he looked highly amused.

Edward glared at him weakly,

"Shut up, I'm not that bad…I've hardly burnt anything…" He was a little red in his face, embarrassed by how slowly he was learning to cook, "…besides Winry isn't exactly the best teacher." He added.

Alphonse continued to laugh quietly and the sound warmed Edward's chest and gave him happy butterflies, the sound was so wonderful when it was real and not trapped inside steel armor,

"She's not so bad with me but I think it's because I take instruction easier than you do. You're stubborn Brother." Al shook his head and slid down on the bed slightly, looking tired.

Edward shrugged,

"Maybe I should wait until she's taught you and then you can teach me." he raised his eyebrows.

Alphonse frowned,

"How will that change anything, you'll still have to take instruction." He informed Edward in his muffled voice.

The older blonde smirked,

"Yeah but I enjoy yelling at Winry, I don't enjoy yelling at you…so there will be less fighting and more learning."

"You're so mean, Ed." Alphonse said quietly, looking ready to nod off.

Edward smiled at him, he had the blanket around his shoulders high enough so that only his eyes and the top of his head were visible,

"You didn't say what you want for lunch, Al." Edward said quietly.

"Anything you feel like making Brother, even if it tastes bad, I'll still eat it and be proud of you for trying." He mumbled and Edward knew he was smiling because of the slight crinkling around his closed eyes.

"Who's mean now, huh?" the older blonde ruffled Alphonse's hair gently, since he knew Al probably had a small headache to go with his congestion.

He felt Alphonse's forehead next and sighed with some relief before he removed his hand,

"Least he's not burning up anymore…" he mumbled to himself since Al looked just about asleep already, his medication and flu symptoms working together to knock him out.

Ed was just about to get up when Alphonse's hand slipped out from under the blanket and touched his knee lightly,

"…love you, Ed…" Alphonse mumbled.

Edward smiled lovingly as he stood up slowly and leaned over, he used his free hand to pull the blanket over Alphonse's extended but unmoving hand, covering it so it didn't get cold.

He was just about to return the voiced sentiment…when a loud knock interrupted him...

* * *

Edward remembered telling Alphonse he loved him and then leaving very quietly…not standing and staring at the white door of Al's bedroom while someone knocked.

"Edward?"

He frowned and sighed heavily…against something soft and warm and he knew then that he was dreaming.

 _'Oh right…in bed…my pillow…'_  he thought groggily and groaned quietly. He'd only just fallen asleep, he was sure, because he remembered tossing and turning for hours before he slipped into unconsciousness.

He heard the soft click of his door opening, which confused him because wasn't Alphonse next to him? Who would open the bedroom door? Sleepily he pushed his hand to the spot next to him where the younger blonde usually was…it was cold and empty…so he raised his head. He looked in the general direction of the door and saw a fuzzy blur of blonde and white before he dropped his head back down to his pillow and huffed quietly…

…he didn't get drunk easily but drinking alcohol did affect his memory enough to make the simple things easy to forget. Like the fact that Alphonse hadn't been in his bed the night before when he got home.

"I came to wake you up, it's a bit late but we should still go running." Alphonse's voice was so sweet Edward could have cringed.

 _'…the fuck is he so happy about?'_  he thought irritably, subconsciously annoyed by Alphonse's absence from his bed. He hadn't slept well at all…

Edward rubbed at his face, feeling tired and aggravated, before he pushed himself to sit up. He opened his eyes, seeing his bangs were all over, obscuring his line of sight and tickling his face so he brushed them back in any direction and squinted at the door. Sure enough Alphonse stood there…fully dressed and looking to have been awake for a while,

"…you what…wanna…go running?" he frowned, wondering just what bizarre mood Alphonse was in that day.

Considering what had transpired in the past 48 hours…going running was the last thing Edward would have expected to be suggested by the moody younger blonde. As his vision cleared up, sleep slowly leaving his eyes, he watched as Alphonse looked away from him and he sighed quietly. Apparently Al was still behaving strangely.

"Y-yeah, we always do on a Saturday. I only start work at 11 and it's still early, we have plenty of time." Alphonse said…to the window. Edward shook his head, wondering why his younger brother was acting so immature.

 _'It could be like the last time, last year…'_ Edward tossed the sheet off himself,  _'…when he was acting childish. It was because he felt guilty and angry. But I got him talking eventually, maybe I can this time too.´_ he moved to the end of the bed and swung his legs off the side.

His eyes were sandy and he could have used a late sleep in but if Alphonse wanted to go running then-…

"I'll make you some coffee, I know you need it to get started." Edward had been rubbing his eye when Alphonse spoke up, sounding tense, Ed frowned and looked at the younger blonde, "Change up and stuff quickly in the meantime."

Just as soon as the last words were out of his mouth, Alphonse had backed out through the doorway and closed it. Edward blinked slowly at the closed door before he let out a tired sigh,

"Just give him space…" he reminded himself, still not believing it was the best solution but not really willing to try and force the issue any other way.

Edward stood up and walked to his wardrobe, doing as told he went about finding some running clothes and then he left the bedroom and made his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face.

* * *

He ran a hand over his newly tied ponytail as he walked into the kitchen, his eyes fell on Alphonse who was stirring a mug of what Edward assumed was coffee from the aroma. He loved the smell of coffee, it was probably one of the best things ever thought of, he was sure.

Eager to get his hands on it he walked around the table and headed towards Alphonse, a pleasant 'thanks' was on the tip of his tongue but it died before he could say it because when he was a step away from the younger blonde Alphonse tensed up quickly and leaned away from him…

Edward felt…hurt.

The sight of Alphonse recoiling from his presence cut him deeply because whether they were brothers or lovers, Al had never ever moved away from him like that. It was as if he was disgusted by Edward's presence and all things considered between them, that just rubbed the older blonde the wrong way.

Their entire new relationship was based on crossing the physical boundaries of brothers, it only existed because it was what Alphonse wanted. But Edward had been rejected twice so far…and this reaction he supposed he could count as a third.

He took a step back from Alphonse, raising his hands slightly to show that he was backing off...all the while his hurt started to slowly work itself up to anger. It was one thing for Alphonse to change his mind about what he wanted and didn't want…it was another thing for him to treat Edward like his presence was offensive.

"It hot." when Alphonse moved away from the counter and the mug of coffee, Edward subtly acknowledged his warning and reached for his coffee. He turned away from Alphonse, he was tired, hungry and all of his anxiousness from the day before was returning very quickly.

Bringing with it the unanswered questions he had about what Alphonse wanted, about whether Alphonse wanted to be with Elizabeth, about his sad feelings on his younger brother's sudden decision…about his own reconsideration to join the military. He sipped the coffee to test its temperature as he flexed his bruised right hand, watching as the skin of his knuckles stretched and tinged red at the tension of breaking the slowly healing skin.

He determined the coffee was cool enough that it wouldn't make his gullet raw so he drank it down, the steam made his face hot and the warmth spread over him. When he was done, his back still to Alphonse, he dropped the mug in the sink and then started to leave the kitchen,

"Let's go." He said stiffly.

He walked into the hall not liking the mood he was in, somewhere in all of this he'd started to lose his patience. Edward didn't want to get angry, he didn't want to have such deep seated anger for Alphonse especially since he'd known that things would turn out like this.

He'd known all along that eventually this 'relationship' they had would end and it wouldn't be pretty. There would be confusion, pain, loathing, regrets and lies. Because it was never supposed to happen, because they were brothers and brothers were  **not supposed to fuck each other**.

He clenched his teeth as he pulled the closet door open and reached in to get their running shoes.

He'd had nightmares about this outcome months ago, he'd known that Alphonse would eventually realize how wrong what they were doing was and be repulsed by it and yet still, Ed had broken himself down and pushed down all of his feelings on the matter in order to give his younger brother what he'd asked for.

And it was  _fine_  if Alphonse didn't want their sick relationship anymore, yes, it would hurt because Edward had somehow gotten his wires crossed and started to have sexual and romantic feelings for his own brother  **but**  he could endure.

He could always endure for Alphonse.

But Alphonse was treating him like he was…

Edward handed the younger blonde his running shoes when he came to the entrance before he put his own on and crouched down to tie his own laces,

 _'He's acting like I wanted us to be like this…'_  his insides shook under the stress and he kept his head down as he blindly tied his laces.

It had been his original fear that Alphonse would be disgusted by him after they'd slept together for the first time…but he'd tried to prepare himself for it…

So why did it hurt so much?

Was it not enough emotional preparation just knowing it would come to this? And also why did he feel so fucking angry? Edward felt the initial rush of shock and anger dwindle as he stood up and opened the door to let them out.

He knew now that he had more to deal with than he'd originally thought he would.

He'd foreseen this outcome and expected the hurt…but he hadn't expected that his own developing incestuous feelings for Alphonse would make him so angry and resentful...and jealous. The new feelings would make things more difficult, no doubt, and Edward Elric usually dealt with difficult situations in the same way he dealt with just about everything.

With confidence , fearlessness, intelligence and violence if it was necessary.

But this situation was centered around the one thing that could make him give in- get onto his knees and beg if it came down to it- the one thing he feared losing more than anything and everything. The one thing that usually served as his strength and motivation to not give up…

 _'Alphonse.'_  he frowned slightly to himself as they descended the stairs to the lobby, he moved on automatic, going through the motions. He had no plan, no ideas, he didn't know what to say or do.

It was all in Alphonse's hands because Edward could not plan or plot against his younger brother, he couldn't make decisions or demands, he couldn't insist or force, he couldn't do whatever he thought was best and just hope for a good outcome. He couldn't wing it…

Because Alphonse  **mattered**.

Which was more than he could say for just about anything else. Alphonse was usually on his side…this was the first time he had no idea where the younger blonde stood and the first time where he would just have to fall into place.

Whatever Alphonse decided and wanted to happen, would be what Edward would accept and do.

The only person who called the shots for Edward –when it really counted- was his younger brother.

Edward inhaled the fresh morning air once they were outside and he started into a jog straight away, he could feel his tension building by the second the more he thought about how lost he felt, lost and angry. He was acutely aware of Alphonse's presence beside him the entire time, he was aware of the specific distance the younger blonde kept between them, of Al's silence and the way he kept glancing over hesitantly.

But he didn't openly acknowledge it, he tried to focus on his breathing as he ran and how his different muscle groups slowly started to warm to the movements. Physical exertion always made him feel better and thinking about that made him think about the military again.

As they ran along toward the park Edward seriously thought about it, he was no longer an alchemist which meant if he was in the military and there was ever a war he'd have to face the front line with manual standard weapons. Of course war was the first thing to think about because even with peace in Amestris it didn't mean it couldn't change in the next few years and going to war without alchemy seemed more dangerous than it ever had before. Aside from that he supposed he'd have to ask Mustang what exactly he'd be doing in the military because if it would be a desk job pushing paperwork then it would be pointless.

He needed a physical outlet that paperwork and research would not provide.

 _'If I ask Mustang the bastard is going to know I'm reconsidering and he's going to be all smug about it…'_  Edward grimaced at the thought of the older man being able to say 'I told you so' about him returning to the military.

Many years ago when he'd first mentioned his resignation Mustang had said that whether Edward realized it or not, he was a military man. He hadn't understood or believed that at first but came to realize it as time went on. And he'd tried hard to work himself out of the compulsory practices he'd acquired from his infrequent stays in the military hotels, barracks and working in their offices.

It'd taken him months to stop making his bed military style, something Winry teased him about with much giggling. Waking up far earlier than he had to to an internal clock was another annoying habit he'd slowly shaken off, along with never sleeping or sitting with his back to a doorway and standing at parade rest whenever he was in public. He often carried writing utensils and paper still but that was something he'd always done before the military so he kept that habit. He was glad he hadn't done too many marching drills or he was quite sure he'd have gotten used to walking like he had a stick up his ass…like Mustang did.

Still there were things in the military he'd learned and used which had saved his life, like knowing how to take a gun apart, put it back together, disarm it and shoot accurately with it. His aim wasn't anything to write home about but Hawkeye hadn't said he sucked at it so he supposed it was passable. He'd learned early on from Havoc never to walk or drive the same route when outside of military grounds when going to or from a location. He'd gotten tips on how to profile people based on their physical appearance from Maes Hughes which he'd been bored listening to at the time but he came to appreciate the advice in the future.

There were pros and cons to influence his decision…and Alphonse. No matter how shitty things were, their agreement had been that as soon as their goal was achieved they'd be done with the military. Going back to it would be like breaking an unsaid promise…

They turned into the park entrance and started along the running path, Edward glanced at Alphonse and saw that he was frowning slightly, looking at the ground which was unusual since Al knew better than to be unfocused when out in the open. Even if life was peaceful it as always best to be prepared for anything…but then again, that was just the way Edward did things.

He frowned as he glanced ahead, thinking of how 'relaxed' their lives were, sure they had domestic problems but physically they were out of shape and had lost touch with the things that used to be a part of their daily routine. Edward remembered fondly waking up every day, eating an adequate breakfast before heading straight out to train in the Rockbell's open yard.

All the time in the sun back then had quickly taken the sickly pallor out of Alphonse's skin…

He thought about the memory he'd dreamed about that morning, he didn't know why that particular memory had filtered into his dreams. Surely if he was going to dream about a time Alphonse had said 'I love you' without the words being laced with a different meaning he had lots of times to look back on where his little brother was in good health.

 _'But he isn't in good health…neither of us really are…'_  he sighed and controlled his breathing to keep himself from getting a stitch in his side as they jogged.

"Ed, I was wondering about what work you do at the construction site?" Alphonse's voice made Edward's stomach lurch, as if he was surprised that he was being spoken to. He'd assumed this was a silent excursion but apparently not and Alphonse sounded –once again- far too pleasant.

Edward clenched his teeth lightly at the tilt of his stomach contents and kept his eyes ahead,

"I supervise the manual labor." He answered simply and picked up his pace a bit.

Alphonse kept pace without a hitch,

"Do you help…I mean with the manual construction?"

Edward took note of the question and what its required answer might reveal, Alphonse was asking about what he did at work and Ed would have taken it as small talk had it not been for the words 'manual construction'.

Either Alphonse was fishing for him to say that it was  **not**  manual construction –indirectly saying it was alchemic work- or he was expecting Edward wouldn't notice the question and just answer, indirectly confirming that it was  _manual_  work.

Somehow it seemed suspicious, probably just because Edward always had his guard up about his lack of alchemy, he hoped Alphonse wasn't starting to figure out what he was hiding. He hated to think that Alphonse was trying to worm the answer out of him…but in light of recent circumstances, he could believe Al would go about getting what he wanted in an underhanded way.

He felt a deep well of upset at the fact that he no longer trusted Alphonse's intentions toward him, Edward glanced at Alphonse and saw nothing but open curiosity in his expression,

"Why?" he asked stiffly. He sort of hoped Alphonse would just ask whatever it was he wanted to know so Edward could decide whether he was ready to answer truthfully, but then again, he didn't want to tell Al just yet.

He wasn't ready.

He kept his eyes ahead when Alphonse answered that he was just curious and brushed off the topic, Edward felt relieved and once again started to jog faster.

The silence that followed was not uncomfortable but only because they were out in the open. Edward assumed Alphonse might have wanted to get out of the apartment to avoid having to talk about anything going on between them. In a lot of ways it wasn't verbally or physically complicated.

If Alphonse wanted to end their 'relationship' all he had to do was say so and then they would stop everything, from even the slightest kisses to all out sex, it would stop, Edward knew he could do it, it wouldn't be hard, not physically anyway.

But emotionally…it would be very complicated, very hard and very painful.

 _'But that'll be my problem to deal with, he won't have to know it's affecting me or it'll just make it more confusing for him. If he is interested in Elizabeth and wants to end this, then it'll have to be a clean and amicable break so he doesn't feel guilty and can move on easily.'_  He felt the burn of his ulcer start to swell and he swallowed sorely.

Yes, it'd be really painful to watch Alphonse get over him after everything he'd been through to give the younger blonde the sort of relationship he wanted…

It'd be one of the worst pains, right up there with the emotional trauma of watching his brother deconstruct right before his eyes and the physical trauma of having an iron rebar tear through his side taking blood, flesh, parts of his organs with it as well as scraping against a broken rib as it exited.

After everything…after all of the tears, sickness, the breakdown and the self-loathing he'd endured just to be able to kiss and touch his younger brother in the worst way…and to have started to  _enjoy_  doing so and having to live with himself for feeling like that…

…Alphonse was pushing him away as if he mattered very little.

 _'He really has no idea how much I love him…'_  he frowned and glanced around, trying to disperse the heat of anger and pain in his stomach from the emotional upheaval caused by thinking about his past, thinking about his sacrifices, thinking about everything he'd done and would do just to make Alphonse happy…and all he wanted in return was to be loved.

His stomach clenched painfully and he had to stop running.

All he wanted was for Alphonse to wake up every morning breathing, healthy, happy and human. He just wanted to see him smile at least sometimes, he wanted to hear his voice and his laughter and be able to hug him…just once in a while. He wanted to know that Alphonse didn't hate him…he wanted to know that at least one person in the world would always love him and stay at his side regardless of how much of a fuck up he was and how many mistakes he'd made.

He just wanted his little brother to love him and stay with him and he'd pay any price, sacrifice anything and endure any pain to have that. Where Alphonse was concerned equivalent exchange did not factor in, Edward would give anything…just to have what he could.

But now it seemed like Alphonse didn't care too much for his feelings, or he would have at least tried not to be so hurtful about their…break up.

Edward grimaced and felt nauseous at the term 'break up'.

He was standing and staring at nothing for a moment, breathing steadily as his insides ached before he glanced at Alphonse, the younger blonde had stopped as well just ahead of him, he was breathing deeply and evenly and looking around…nervously?

Edward frowned, his anger quickly rising again,

 _'What the hell is wrong with him? Why does he look nervous to be alone with me?'_  Edward couldn't shake the feeling that Alphonse was uncomfortable around him for some reason.

He hated to think that Alphonse was worried about Edward  _forcing_  himself on him.

It seemed absurd but with the way the younger blonde had rejected him the night before, then stood in the doorway of his bedroom nervously that morning and also withdrew from him in the kitchen…it was starting to seem like Alphonse was scared that Edward would  _touch_  him against his will.

It was a staggering sort of ill feeling that accompanied the idea and Edward felt slightly off balance, he blinked several times and tried to ignore the shaking of his insides as he worried over the possibility…

The last two days he had been kind of forward with his advances and now Alphonse was pulling away from him.

 _'Did I offend him, does he think I'm being forceful…is this…was what I did abusive?'_  he looked at Alphonse who was looking at him with raised eyebrows and standing at least three meters from him.

 _'_ _ **I DID NOT FORCE MYSELF ON HIM EVER! Do not overreact…'**_ he told himself firmly while gripping his hips tightly where his hands rested, he stared at Alphonse, suddenly furious, then he looked to the side at an open area of grass,

"I was thinking maybe we should spar, we haven't done that in a while." He said evenly, trying to reign in his anger.

All of the things he'd done in the past months  **to**  and  **for**  Alphonse were because the younger blonde had wanted it, hell there were things he wouldn't even do because he felt it was wrong. He couldn't let himself start believing he'd taken advantage of Alphonse sexually...he would lose his mind.

 _'It's not that, be rational…be rational…he's just realized he wants to be with that girl, that's all…'_  and that hurt but it was fine, it was better than what he was thinking right then.

He looked at Alphonse when he felt like he had concealed his pale faced shock of worry,

"Yeah that sounds fine." Al said with a nod, sounding sure.

Ed turned and walked straight to the open grassy space, hearing Alphonse follow as the newly growing grass crunched under their shoes. The confrontational part of him wanted to just flat out ask Alphonse the reason for pulling away from him, he needed to hear it, he needed to know it was anything but his forwardness so he could stop worrying…but he wouldn't ask.

He stopped once he was on the grass and started to stretch, wasting no time since the mounting tension was enough to drive him crazy, he needed to work off some of his pent up aggression and some sparring –even the contact kind- would make him feel better, he hoped.

He'd be able to think clearer if he could get rid of the blunt anger churning in his gut.

He did a few cursory stretches, not really interested in his proper routine since he expected this would only be mildly exerting and also, he'd been in real fights with no warm up whatsoever in the past and come out just fine. Edward liked the strain his body took, it gave him a reason to push himself and in this case, focus his stress in a different direction.

When he was done he turned around and watched Alphonse, who had his back to him and was stretching with a heck of a lot of concentration. He noticed every small grimace that Alphonse made and determined by it which parts of Al needed tuning up,

 _'He's really outta shape if stretching is enough to make him sore.'_  He raised an eyebrow and once again thought about a way that both of them could exercise more. City life was too soft, there were no physically taxing chores or manual labor.

After all when he'd decided to move to the city it had been about mental health, not physical.

He was about to sigh when Alphonse turned around and looked at him awkwardly, almost as if he'd forgotten Edward was with him,

"Are you ready?" Al asked with a small forced smile.

Edward nodded, thinking it was probably better not to talk since Alphonse seemed uncomfortable again. With long practiced ease Ed put himself into a stance that looked relaxed but was readied for offence or defense. Alphonse came toward him and took the fighting stance that Edward was very familiar with, he knew Al's fighting style like the detail of an array.

But the younger blonde –while being predictable- was fast and his defenses were sharper than Edward's, they always had been and when Alphonse had gotten back to full strength in Risembool he'd been a proper challenge to spar with. The main difference between them was that Edward hit much  **much** harder and his precision was better than Al's when it came to attack. But getting through Al's defenses used to be impossible when he was armor, he'd been three times Edward's size and made of steel so it had been hard to ever get the upper hand and Ed never did back then.

Now though, in the flesh, Alphonse  _tired_  and _weakened_  like any human being did after a while, it made their spars more even but Edward had learned during Al's re-training years ago that he needed to pull back as the spar wore on in order to not hurt the younger blonde. That was why they chose to use contact sparring, while it was inadequate for the most part, it was still just about good enough for exercise and technique.

Ed started out the spar with a sharp hit intended for Al's shoulder, testing the younger's reaction time. Al was quick to deflect it and Edward took that as an indication that Alphonse wasn't distracted, he was paying attention.

_'Good, this should be fun…'_

So he gave Alphonse a variation of attacks, high to low and fast to slow.

Alphonse was up to standard, Edward was glad, he didn't back down but Ed did notice he tended to defend more than make any attempts at attacking. So the older blonde decided to push his little brother, thinking that Alphonse was getting too soft, he started to put a little more force behind his hits which in turn made Al have to put more ground behind his defenses.

It was just getting good when Alphonse narrowly avoided getting kicked and he back flipped out of reach. Edward didn't follow with another attack since Al looked a little out of breath and Ed didn't want to overdo it, but he was glad they weren't just tapping each other.

"Nice one, Al…" he said sincerely, Alphonse rarely did anything 'fancy' like flipping but he had the agility for it and then some.

Edward was proud of him, they were practically sparring properly and it felt good to have someone to train with who could keep up with him. Alphonse and Izumi had been the only people who ever posed a genuine skill challenge for him when it came to fighting, alchemy and inhuman strength aside. If he and Al trained more often Edward was hopeful that eventually they could spar all out and he wouldn't have to hold back.

"Thanks." Alphonse smiled genuinely and Edward felt warmth bloom in his chest, a different sort to the heat of his well warmed muscles and racing pulse from the exercise. How he loved that smile.

Edward unclenched his fists after a few flexes,

"Are you okay, we're not really contact sparring anymore, you wanna slow down?" he had to ask, no matter how much he itched to throw himself head first into a really good sparring session, he wouldn't go farther than Alphonse was okay with.

He never would, not in  _anything._

His earlier disconcertion at the idea of forcing himself on Alphonse resurfaced and he stretched his arms out, pacing shortly to distract himself.

"No, I think we should keep going. I feel good…" Alphonse said enthusiastically and Edward looked at him for any signs of pretense, "…maybe we should spar normally, fully offensive and defensive?" Al asked with a small grin.

Edward didn't see any apprehension in the younger blonde, Alphonse was serious, he really wanted to spar properly. The older blonde felt his bad mood lift somewhat, he'd missed this,

"Are you sure?" he double checked and stopped pacing, just waiting for the go ahead.

"Yeah." Alphonse nodded surely and he had a slight smirk.

Ed returned the smirk,

"Okay, Al."

He charged at Alphonse without hesitation, his speed threw most people off but Alphonse jumped back in two neat light footed steps quickly and braced himself for defense without a missing a beat.

 _'He's still as good as ever, he's just been slacking off.'_  Edward assessed as Al deflected and ducked his attacks smoothly.

It went on like that for a while until Edward found himself having to deflect and duck more often, Alphonse was starting to attack with more consistency and Ed was grinning, he loved it, just seeing the concentration in Al's eyes and the smile on his face made Edward's worries feel lighter.

In that moment they were the same boys they'd always been, playing and sparring in the grass and enjoying it like there was nothing better to be doing.

 _'I really missed this.'_  He thought as he kicked out high, swinging his leg back and forth in quick succession and just missing Al's face both times.

The younger blonde ducked under his leg and tried to swipe him off his feet, Edward avoided it by pushing himself off the ground with his foot into a single airborne spin before he landed in a crouch not far away.

Ed had just broken a sweat and he felt really fucking good, his muscles burned and his skin was hot and Alphonse was giving as good as he got.

It was great!

He stood up quickly and Alphonse ran at him this time so he ducked sideways and low to avoid two fast punches aimed at his face. Then he used a firm hand to stop a kick aimed at his side and he retaliated with a low kick of his own and Alphonse avoided it smoothly and attacked again.

Edward could see Al was tired but he could also see that Alphonse wasn't letting it slow him up, if anything he was pushing himself harder. It was a good thing, it meant that the younger blonde still had an appreciation for the art of good fighting and physicality, it meant he still cared about his body, it meant he still enjoyed sparring…with Ed.

Edward wasn't going to let him waste the energy, so he went as hard and fast as Alphonse did and occasionally gave a little more and watched –with pride and relish- as Al pushed himself harder to keep up.

It was excellent, Alphonse was lashing out hits so quickly that Edward had to stay his own attacks for a while to defend himself and eventually Al's unrelenting attacks paid off, Ed hesitated between defending and attacking and ended up getting punched in the face.

The feeling he got from it was intensely stimulating, he couldn't remember the last time he'd been punched and while it wasn't hard and didn't hurt all that much, it was enough to make him smile. He took the hit and let his head fall back which was something also hard learned from years of getting hit…take the hit, don't go against it.

Ed swung himself into a smooth turn following the punch and brought his leg up for a quick and forceful roundhouse kick, as expected Alphonse ducked…but Edward noticed the startled look on his younger brother's face after he'd managed to duck and Ed realized he'd probably very nearly landed a hit that would have injured Al.

He was about to ask if Al was okay but the younger blonde grinned quickly after, apparently pleased with his own reflexes and he got into his fighting stance again. Edward grinned too, feeling proud of Alphonse for recovering quickly. Whatever the reason was that Al had dropped his defenses and nearly got knocked flat out, Ed didn't know.

He doubted it was caused by over-confidence, that was unlikely for Alphonse,

"Don't let your guard down Al, I nearly landed that last kick." He warned in a half-hearted tease, feeling a little caught up in the high he got from sparring.

He really didn't expect Alphonse to blush and Edward nearly smiled at how cute it was, he recognized that particular blush and the he knew what usually caused it. But he had no idea what he'd done to make his brother get hot and bothered…still he was sort of relieved.

_'So he isn't disgusted by me…that's good at least.'_

"I hadn't expected to land a hit on you at all, I guess I was just surprised." Alphonse said with a small smile and a few deep breaths. Edward shook his head,

"Don't be," he insisted, "you have the skill and the execution down perfectly. If we do this more often your confidence in your abilities will get stronger Alphonse," he didn't like that Al didn't know just how good he was, "you'll fight more surely. You pull your punches even though you're fast enough to land them, you defend more than you have to." He grinned at his blinking and uncertain looking younger brother, "You don't have to hold back, I can take a few punches, no problem." He made his point by punching his own jaw lightly.

Alphonse nodded but looked unconvinced, Edward couldn't help thinking Al looked cute when he was confused. He smiled when Al said he'd missed sparring and wanted to do it more often, Ed had needed to hear that, it made him feel so much better to know they still had something in common. Edward didn't want to say anything mushy to ruin the moment so he just nodded,

"We will," he agreed with Al's suggestion, "now that I know you're up to it we can get a much better work out and stay in top form."

Alphonse nodded too and they shared a small smile before starting their next round.

It started out really intense and Edward could tell Al was pushing himself but even though he moved quickly, eventually his attacks didn't hold as much force and his defenses were starting to get sluggish. Edward, though he knew he could keep going for a lot longer, started to pull back, it was time to wind down.

It had been a good spar though and he knew that as time went on Alphonse would have more stamina and more strength, he just needed to exercise more consistently.

They grappled for a moment and he sensed that Alphonse was going to toss him and try for a pin, he'd done it often enough over the years that Edward knew the move well. So he ducked, twisted and launched himself backwards gaining distance and managing to knock Al off balance with a half landed kick to his shoulder.

When he looked again Alphonse had righted himself, Edward assumed the younger blonde was ready for a follow up attack, so he ran at him and he saw Al prepare to defend himself.

Ed really and truly expected Al to either duck out or deflect the hit…but when he felt his knee –the right one thankfully- impact without any hindrance into Al's midsection, Edward felt like his heart jumped into his throat.

"Fuck, fuck fuck fuck, I'm sorry, Alphonse I thought you were going to block, shit, I'm sorry!" his stomach flipped over itself several times as he filled with worry and regret for putting so much force into that hit.

He'd caught Alphonse around his torso under his arms instinctively after the hit and held him up since the younger blonde was undoubtedly weak with pain, he wasn't holding himself up at all and Edward took his full weight into his arms and kept Al close so he couldn't fold up.

He'd taken enough hits to his solar plexus to know exactly how Al felt and he also knew how to ease the breathless pain quicker. Slowly he crouched down and Alphonse went easily onto his knees with him, Edward could feel him cringing with pain and hear Al making pained breathless sounds.

"Don't fold in on yourself, you have to stretch out so you can catch your breath…" he advised quietly, he felt shaken by the sounds Al made, hearing his younger brother in any kind of pain –especially when caused by him- made him feel sick.

He heard Alphonse groan as the younger clutched at Ed's arms and exhaled shakily before inhaling too quickly, Edward was glad he was breathing again and to assist him further he leaned forward to ease Al down so he could lie on the grass.

Alphonse continued to take in breaths that were too short while exhaling with pained little groans and he was trying to curl up the moment Edward had his back flat on the grass. Ed leaned himself over the younger blonde to prevent that and then pushed Al's knees down while placing a light hand on Al's shoulder.

He knew he had to keep Alphonse from curling up, all of his muscles were spasming and if he curled up now it'd make it harder to breathe and it'd also hurt twice as bad later.

After a few seconds Alphonse was breathing more easily but Edward still felt shaken, he was tempted to pull Al's shirt up and look at the damage. The action would be innocent enough, but with their secret looming over his conscious and being in public it made him uneasy about doing such a thing, instead his placed his lightly shaking hand on Al's face.

He watched as Al opened his eyes, exhaling and inhaling slowly while focusing on Edward's face,

"I'm sorry, I thought you were going to block it, I really did." Ed apologized, not able to keep himself from frowning, since Alphonse looked pale and his skin felt clammy.

He then noticed the blood at the corner of Al's lips and his stomach did another worried flip, without thinking he brushed his fingers over Al's lips to catch the blood, "You're bleeding, is it from your throat or your stomach?" he asked with fear growing in the pit of his stomach.

If he'd injured Alphonse too badly he had to know so he could get him to a hospital, but he trusted Al would know the difference between an internal injury and something superficial and surely enough the younger blonde shook his head and smiled weakly,

"M-my throat…I'm fine." he said breathily, probably whispering to accommodate the rawness in his throat, "I was just…too slow." He laughed and then grimaced.

Edward sighed and swallowed thickly as he stopped Alphonse from curling into a fetal position again with a gentle hand against his knees,

"I shouldn't ha-…"

"Don't make exc-uses for me, I'm r-rusty." Alphonse cut him off and Edward closed his mouth and resisted the urge to touch Al's face again.

When Al tried to sit up Edward nearly stopped him before he realized it would be better for Alphonse to get up and move around. He helped Alphonse sit up and before he could stop himself he was rattling off a quiet lecture about what Al should do in future if he were to ever get hit like that by someone else.

The idea of Alphonse laying on the ground and getting kicked or hit made Edward both sick and angry, his protectiveness for Al's flesh body was a hundred times more extreme than it used to be for the durable armor.

He didn't realize he was rubbing Al's back lightly until the younger blonde turned his face to look at him and Edward felt his breath ghost over his face, telling him their faces were very close and reminding him that they were in public,

"I'd like to think that I'd be good enough to not let just anyone do this much damage." Alphonse said with a sore smile, seemingly unconcerned with their proximity all of a sudden.

Edward forced himself to ignore the fact that they were in public because he didn't want to pull back from Alphonse, this was the first comfortable interaction they'd had in two days and he didn't want to mess it up. Besides they weren't doing anything wrong,

"Yeah, well…just in case…for whatever reason…I'm sorry." He sighed.

"Don't be, how will I ever be able to fight if I can't even take a hit." Alphonse responded, his voice was less strained and his breathing seemed more natural, Edward felt better since the worst seemed to have passed.

 _'He'll be fine, it's going to hurt but it's not serious.'_  deciding that Ed leaned back from Alphonse slowly and sat back on his legs,

"I guess that's true… _still_ …you know I'd like it better if you never got into any fights." Ed smiled at Alphonse, knowing he sounded like an idiot and he felt like an idiot when Al smiled at him and called him 'soft'.

 _'For you, yeah of course I am…'_  he sighed inwardly. He gave up on trying to look offended and smiled in defeat, he couldn't deny anything when Alphonse was looking at him with such a sweet sincere smile.

They sat in peaceful silence for a while, Edward enjoyed the morning breeze and the fresh smell of grass and flowers in the park, the sound of the water running in the fountain near them… and Alphonse's breathing.

He looked over Alphonse's side profile almost absently, Al's nose was pointy but not as much as Ed's, his lips were slightly fuller than Ed's own, his eyes were rounder and his face unscarred, unlike Ed's. The older blonde always savored looking at Alphonse, he felt like restoring Alphonse was the one and only thing he'd gotten right in his entire life.

When Alphonse turned to look at him he looked a little sleepy and still somewhat pale, Edward sighed thinking that his younger brother most likely needed some ice and to be horizontal for a few hours,

"We better get back," he got his feet under him and stood up, "we've been out here for about two hours." He turned to Al and held out his hand.

"…crap, I have to take a shower before I can go to work." Al grumbled as Ed pulled him to his feet.

Edward frowned, he disagreed with the younger blonde going to work and when Al hunched over and grimaced he shook his head,

"You could just not go to work at all." He didn't want to tell Al not to go, he wasn't a little kid and Edward wouldn't try to boss him around.

Alphonse said something about liking his stupid job and Edward just brushed it off, not interested in hearing about how Al needed to feel like he was contributing financially or whatever. He tried to get Al to stand up straight but it was no good, he was hunching over slightly no matter what so instead Ed patted his shoulder and gestured to the park walkway with a tip of his head.

They walked for a while through the park until Alphonse said he was feeling better and stood up as straight as he could, then they started jogging at a slow pace. Edward was still upset with himself for hurting Al, he kept glancing at the younger blonde constantly as they jogged.

Alphonse held a hand to his mid-section the entire run home.

* * *

Edward had barely closed the door before Alphonse disappeared into the hall and out of sight, he frowned as he locked the door.

 _'I wonder if he's going to start treating me like a bad smell again.'_  He grimaced at the thought.

Being outside and sparring had cooled his anger off significantly, especially sitting peacefully with Alphonse afterwards and despite accidentally hurting Al it'd been fun and he was sure the younger blonde would agree.

He leaned down and picked up Alphonse's hastily kicked off running shoes and tossed them into the closet before he took his own off and tossed them in as well. He stood for a second in the entrance space, wondering whether he should leave Alphonse alone or go to him…

…after some frowning deliberation he walked into the hall and approached the bathroom door, relieved to see it was ajar. He'd been concerned about knocking and being told to 'go away', he reached the door and peeked in,

"Al?" his eyes fell on Alphonse where the younger stood leaning on the counter and looking in the mirror.

Edward noticed that Alphonse looked for paler and more pained than he had five minutes ago, he dropped his gaze to the younger blonde's bare stomach and his own stomach lurched at the sight of the gradually darkening contusion spreading over Al's upper abdomen.

 _'Oh fuck…'_  he frowned and pushed the door open more so he could walk in.

He came to stand close beside Alphonse, cringing in guilt over marring his brother's tender flesh like that,

"Shit, that's going to hurt like a bitch, Alphonse." he shook his head sadly, leaning his hand on the counter and inhaling deeply in regret before he sighed.

He tried to ignore the pleasant smell of Al's skin because it was inappropriate to notice it, not only because he needed to start pulling away to give Elizabeth room in Al's life but also because he knew he was never supposed to have started  _enjoying_  the smell of Al's skin.

"I'll just take pain killers." Alphonse's voice sounded tenser than it had earlier as well and Edward frowned as he saw Al shiver, it looked like the unpleasant sort.

 _'He looks like he's in more pain than he should be…I hope I didn't actually hurt him internally.'_  Ed worried.

"That'd help some but you should put ice on that for a while and lay down." He said quietly and looked at Alphonse via the mirror, "You really shouldn't go to work, Alphonse." Edward frowned as he looked at his younger brother's face properly.

For the first time since he'd woken he actually took the time to analyze Alphonse's appearance and in the white tiled and sunlit bathroom a lot of things were more noticeable. Like the darkness around Al's eyes, the sickly pallor of his skin and how exhausted he looked.

He didn't know whether or not touching Alphonse was a good idea but the urge to do so was stronger than he could fight right then, he'd become so used to having permission to touch that trying to stop himself was difficult. Gently he slipped his hand in front of Al's stomach and he traced the bruise with his fingertips, barely making contact with the skin…and Al's stomach quivered.

But that wasn't the reaction Edward took most note of, it was Al's face he watched and he saw his younger brother frown looking like he might cry. But he didn't pull away or look disgusted so Edward didn't remove his hand and he asked very quietly if Alphonse was okay.

He was asking about the bruise but he also wanted to know whether Alphonse was okay with him, he still hadn't gotten an answer to that question since the day before, but then, he hadn't actually asked.

"Y-yeah...m' fine." Alphonse said very quietly, barely moving his lips.

Edward settled his palm against Al's cold clammy skin, he frowned and looked away from the mirror since Alphonse had averted his gaze and was staring at the counter top. He knew that Alphonse wasn't fine, especially since he was having a worse reaction than he should to the injury he sustained.

 _'This is something else, it has to be about us.'_  He thought surely because he knew just how awful emotional pain was. Edward could see that Alphonse was thinking hard about something and he knew the younger blonde wanted to say something or tell him something.

He also figured he knew what it was but it didn't surprise him that Alphonse wasn't sure how to end things between them, just as much as he didn't want to  _hear_  Al say he wanted to be with that girl, he assumed Alphonse didn't want to  _say_  it. It would hurt them both.

He frowned again, his train of thought interrupted by Alphonse hunching forward and groaning, obviously in pain, the sort of pain that wouldn't come from a bruise on his stomach while he was standing completely still. With a shaky sigh Edward held him supportively,

"Come to the lounge and sit down, I'll get you some ice." He suggested very quietly.

Alphonse didn't hesitate to move with him so Edward helped him to the lounge, just steadying him as they walked.

When they got to the lounge Alphonse sat down and grimaced, Edward quietly told him to lie down and was glad that Al listened, he seemed compliant but he was shaking badly and Ed was getting more worried by the second.

Once Al looked comfortable enough he left the lounge and headed for the kitchen, he shook his head as he started to put together an ice compress.

The entire situation was upsetting and even though he had a hold of his emotions right then he doubted it would stay that way. He was waiting, literally just waiting, to be told that he was no longer wanted and all he could do was try to prepare himself, try not to get angry, try not to make Alphonse feel guilty for hurting him…and all the while he had to be a good brother and not let Al see his pain.

He felt exhausted and queasy.

Once he'd prepared the compress he left the kitchen and slipped into the bathroom to grab a hand towel before he went back to the lounge. As he entered he noticed that Al had brought his knees up slightly and was frowning, he sighed quietly and stopped at the side of the couch.

He was about to kneel when Alphonse shifted up for him, his kind gesture contradicted by the pain and guilt written all over his face. Edward could see it now that the younger blonde was in such a vulnerable state, Alphonse looked guilty and could hardly meet his eyes.

When Alphonse tried to force a smile Edward just sighed and ignored his own confusing emotions, he was angry and sad and it wasn't sitting well with him right then because he didn't want Al to see it in his face. He sat down next to Al on the couch and warned him quietly to prepare for the cold of the compress just before he placed it gently over the bruise.

He did his best not to touch the younger blonde unnecessarily and he cringed when Alphonse hissed in pain and groaned quietly afterward, the younger's eyebrows drawn together as if he might cry,

"I'm really sorry." Ed shook his head, not sure which of the many things he was apologizing for because his heart felt so heavy, too heavy.

"I'm okay, I'm just…sore…" Alphonse lied quietly and Edward looked at his glossy green eyes,

"I know you're not used to getting hit…but…it shouldn't be this bad Alphonse?" he asked carefully, hoping to get an answer. Maybe Alphonse would just come out and say it was over and then Edward could nod and say it was  _okay._

It wouldn't be okay, not for a long time but for Alphonse's sake he'd say it was and he'd deal with his own pain when he was alone, like he always had…

But Alphonse just shook his head and looked even more depressed…although he maintained eye contact and Edward did as well. He watched his younger brother's face hoping to see something in the emotions playing over his features. Alphonse looked uncertain above all other emotions Ed could see, the way his lips twitched like he wanted to say something, the way his eyes shifted slightly searching Edward's face and the sad frown he wore…

There was something he wanted to say but he just didn't know how to say it.

Edward knew then that Alphonse was  _scared_  to tell him, just like years ago when Al had wanted to know if his existence was a product of Ed's alchemic experimentation, when he hadn't believed he was real. He'd kept it to himself, he hadn't known how to bring it up to Edward because he was unsure and didn't like confrontation.

It'd taken something Edward said, insensitively, to make Al speak up and then it'd been Edward who had acted like it wasn't a big deal, he'd had to make Al feel like everything was fine when it was all said and done. Even though it'd hurt for several weeks after that…thinking that Alphonse could doubt him like that, he'd just pretended like it was okay.

He'd only started to feel better again once he'd cried and thrown up over digging up what he believed was his mother's bones and then realized that there was a damn good chance that Al's body was still in the Gate…

But what Al never knew wouldn't hurt him and this was no exception.

Edward could deal with the pain, he'd accept the guilt and the burden…so he decided he should give Alphonse the easy way out instead of waiting for the younger blonde to say the words. It wouldn't hurt any less…but in the end it was the right thing to do, Al deserved to have a natural and healthy relationship, that's how it was supposed to be.

He sighed as he looked over Alphonse's pale face, Edward leaned down and placed his hand to the side of Al's head. It would be a test and…also a final kiss he supposed…Alphonse's reaction to the kiss would tell him what he needed to know.

He pressed his lips to Alphonse's and felt the hesitant response, he paused with another gentle kiss to Al's lips and he inhaled and exhaled softly, lingering and waiting to see what Alphonse would do. When Alphonse parted his lips Edward frowned slightly –he hadn't expected that- but he slipped his tongue just barely into the younger blonde's mouth and felt Al exhale shakily against his face.

His tongue was unresponsive at first but then he started to kiss back, although it wasn't anything like Alphonse's usual kiss and when the younger blonde's arms shifted around his own stomach Edward opened his eyes and he saw Al frowning as though he were in pain…

…he had his answer.

It had to stop, the sickness of them being sexually involved had finally started to dawn on Alphonse.

Edward felt cold wash over him as he drew back from the kiss, he stayed close and smiled sadly, trying to conceal the hurt wracking his body from his face. It didn't matter though since Al wasn't opening his eyes and had turned his head away…he was shaking.

Ed was too.

"Alphonse…" he said the name softly, lovingly even as his chest ached and he fought back tears. Al didn't look at him, he just frowned deeper and kept his face to the side. Edward nodded to himself weakly, accepting that Alphonse didn't want to look at him, it was time for him to say what the younger blonde didn't want to,

"…Al, if you don't want me to…kiss you…anymore…or," he swallowed sorely and looked over the deepening frown of guilt on Alphonse's face, "…or t-touch you, you just have to tell me, just say so…okay?"

Edward waited…he watched Alphonse and noticed how the younger blonde was trying to shrink away from him into the couch, every single second that passed hurt more and more and eventually Ed couldn't smile anymore, not even sadly.

After everything, after months and months…this was the response he got…Alphonse wouldn't even speak to him.

 _'…I guess how I feel doesn't really matter. He probably thinks this will be easy for me.'_  he nodded to himself again and ran a shaking hand over his face, it was best if Alphonse thought he'd be fine anyway.

He blinked a few times as his eyes burned while he removed the ice pack, not wanting Al to get frost bite and then he very gently dabbed the hand towel over the younger blonde's abdomen to take away the cool wetness.

When that was done he stood up and left the lounge, he walked into Alphonse's bedroom and opened his wardrobes to find a spare blanket and then he made his way back again.

He shook his head when he noticed that Al had curled in on himself facing the couch but he wasn't going to try and straighten him out, Edward resigned himself to avoiding any unnecessary contact with Alphonse.

 _'Just like in the beginning when I didn't do anything to make it harder for him.'_ he remembered how it'd been when Al first confessed his feelings.

He'd had to avoid hugging, any small contact and even undressing anywhere Alphonse could see him, so he'd treat this the same way. He frowned at Al's shivering form as he spread the blanket over him and fell into the role of brother with natural ease,

"I'll call the pharmacy later and tell them why you couldn't make it." He offered quietly.

Alphonse still didn't look at him but he nodded, Edward saw his head move and he turned and started to leave the lounge, taking deep pained breaths into his aching throat and chest while he clenched his hands and his jaw.

He was almost out of the lounge when Alphonse said his name softly and his stomach clenched,

 _'What now?'_  he didn't turn around, he just exhaled very quietly, "Yeah?"

There was a quiet moment of his own deep breathing and Al's loud unsteady breathing before the younger spoke,

"We're b-brothers…I just w-want…"

Edward clenched his fists so tightly his knuckles turned white and he closed his eyes,

 _'…now we're_ _ **brothers**_ _, now…after every fucking time I said it…'_  he got a quick hold of his anger with a stiff shake of his head, forcing himself not to be angry at Alphonse,

"It's okay," he lied flat out, "Alphonse, I understand…" yes, he understood but it still fucking  **hurt** to be pushed aside without even so much as being looked at by the person who claimed to love him, to be  **in** love with him, "… **now**  try to sleep, you'll feel better." He finished quietly, feeling bitter and miserable.

He waited a moment and when Alphonse still didn't say anything Edward blinked a few tears from his eyes,

 _'Just like that, I guess it's all I deserve.'_  Because really, he didn't know why he thought he should get a break, he was the one who fucked up everything right from the beginning and no matter what, he'd never stop paying for that single life changing mistake.

"I'll be right here…" he reminded Alphonse because he always would be and he hoped that no matter what Al would stay with him,"…in my room, just call me if you need anything."  _'Anything, Al…just don't hate me.'_  he swallowed sorely and didn't wait to hear if Alphonse would respond.

He walked down the hall but didn't go to his bedroom, instead he stopped outside the bathroom door and then went in to take a shower and wash the dust, sweat and dirt from his skin.

* * *

Edward didn't cry over the 'break up', he'd shed a few tears at that moment and had expected to lay awake in bed at night crying over his guilt. But while it did hurt and he hadn't slept at all the night before…he didn't feel the need to cry at all and it was because he was angry and that emotion seemed strong enough to keep him from weeping over his hurt feelings.

He'd never required coddling, special treatment, sympathy…he'd never needed someone comforting him.

And he would get by the same way he had before, Alphonse hadn't been able to offer him warmth or affection in the past, he'd drawn his strength from their brotherly connection. And since Alphonse wanted them to be brothers again –now that it suited him- Edward would once again draw his strength from their connection.

Presently, it was Sunday morning and he was sitting up in bed with his back to the wall. Edward had his left leg drawn up and he was running his fingers over the side of the metal covering of his automail shin and thinking about when was the last time he'd done oil maintenance,

"About three weeks…" he mumbled to himself flatly.

He was exhausted having not slept much and dealing with all of the misery he was harboring but his anger had drained from him hours ago. After he'd taken a shower the day before he'd gone to his bedroom and immersed himself in reading for a good few hours.

Eventually he'd gone to check on Alphonse in the lounge and had found the younger blonde sitting on the couch with the blanket around him and staring at the empty fireplace. He'd cleared his throat to announce his presence and when Alphonse had looked at him –not looking him in the eye – Edward had asked him if he was hungry.

To Ed's surprise he'd said yes and then had gotten up and walked, hunched over, toward him and when Edward stepped aside he walked down the hall. Ed hadn't interfered as Alphonse went into the kitchen, while he was still pale and most likely was still hurting, the younger blonde seemed to be functional.

Edward had taken that as his cue to continue to give Alphonse space and after asking if Al needed any help and receiving a 'no' in the form of a head shake, Ed had gone back to his bedroom…and stayed there.

He'd gone out once at around 2 am again to use the bathroom and Al's bedroom door had been closed so he hadn't seen him.

It felt strange to live together like they'd been for so long and yet be able to completely avoid each other, Edward hoped it wouldn't be like that for much longer or forever, but he didn't fret over it right away because he was too tired to work himself up into an emotional duress.

Instead he reminded himself that Alphonse was still there, he hadn't left, and had said he wanted them to be brothers again which was enough, it'd always been enough before they'd become anything else.

With a weary sigh Edward got off his bed and walked to his door, he left his bedroom wearing only his boxers and a sleeping shirt and made his way to the kitchen. He brushed his bangs back from his face irritably as he walked to the kitchen sink and crouched down, his hair was loosely braided down his back which made more hair than usual slip forward into his face than he cared to deal with.

Ed opened the cupboard under the sink and moved some cleaning products aside before he grabbed his can of automail oil as well as his degreasing solvent. He stood up using the cupboard to help him since his right leg was kind of sore from all of the exercise the day before, he was a little stiff all over actually.

 _'So outta shape…it's pathetic, Teacher would kick my ass and I'd deserve it_.'

For a brief moment after he stood up he thought about their teacher, who had repeatedly asked to be called Izumi over the last few years and neither he nor Alphonse were comfortable doing so. She was still alive but last he'd heard she spent most of her days getting bed rest…last he'd heard…

 _'We haven't seen her in almost 3 years, the last time I wrote her was from Creta…'_  he sighed and shook his head.

She was important to him but Alphonse was priority and besides that, they were in no shape to be getting in touch with the woman who could read them like an open book. Just like Pinako, she'd need only one proper look and she'd know something was very  **wrong**.

He kicked the cupboard shut with a final shake of his head and shuffled over to the drawers, leaning over to open the bottom drawer he took out one of his many sealed silicone cloths and also another plain cloth before he kicked the drawer closed, he grimaced when he stood up straight again.

Edward left the kitchen and went back to his bedroom, he kicked the door shut and walked to his bed where he sat down on the cool tiles and he leaned back against the foot end of his bed. He wouldn't sit on the bed because he didn't want to get any oil on his sheets.

He sighed absently as he pulled the cap off the degreasing solvent and then opened the packaging of the plain cloth and pulled the soft square out. He usually wiped the metal down with water first and then dried it off thoroughly but his shower the day before was probably good enough – as far as Edward was concerned. So he went to work spraying the solvent onto his automail leg before he started to wipe it down, turning his left leg to suitable angles as he worked in silence.

He had just finished off his metal toes when he heard a knock on his door and snapped his head to look across the room, as he sat in shocked silence he became aware that his heart was beating faster and that his stomach was cold and felt heavy. He'd been so absorbed and free of thought for the last hour he hadn't considered that Alphonse might try to talk to him that morning.

He wasn't prepared to talk about anything but what could he do? Telling Alphonse to leave him alone would be childish! He looked back to his leg with a slight scowl and wiggled his automail toes before dropping the cloth next to the solvent and reaching for his oil spray,

"Come in, Alphonse." He said audibly as he pulled the cap off the can and started spraying it over his leg in even lines making sure to get it all over the surface. He knew he'd need to oil the inside parts again soon but he was too lazy to worry about it right then so he settled for a surface job.

His automail didn't take nearly as much strain as it used to and tended to last him much longer so he slacked off on maintenance more than usual.

He heard the door open but he didn't look up, instead he stayed focused on what he was doing. When he was done he put the can down and took the silicone cloth out of the packaging, at this point he glanced next to him because Alphonse had sat down right beside him.

Close to him.

Edward focused back on his leg and started to rub the oil into the metal, up and down and in small circles, attentively rubbing over the bolts and screws and into the grooves.

It was silent for a while and then Alphonse spoke,

"You haven't oiled the inside of your automail plates in over a month…" he spoke quietly, "…I…I could do it for you if you like, remember you let me do it a few times after I first got my body back."

Edward heard the smile in his voice and slowed his rubbing to look at Alphonse…sure enough he was smiling sadly.

Edward was nonplussed, he did not have a  **clue**  what was happening.

Where was the surmounting pain, angst, guilt and misery that had been present between them just the day before?

Alphonse exhaled quietly,

"I know you only let me do it because I insisted back then but I remember how to do it properly." Alphonse had his legs drawn up and he was resting his arms across his knees, leaning his head on his arms and smiling sadly at Edward…looking melancholy.

Edward swallowed thickly and looked back to his leg, feeling confused and awkward as he once again started to rub the oil in, leaning his leg to the side to rub the cloth down his inner metal calf,

"Yeah, sure you can do it…but not today." He said quietly, glad his bangs covered his face because he couldn't help but frown.

"Okay, whenever you want." Alphonse agreed quietly, "Have you eaten? Can I make you breakfast?" he asked with a smile in his voice again and Edward controlled his breathing as his emotions started to fray,

 _'What the fuck…?'_  he thought as he rubbed a spot on his heel harder than necessary.

He didn't know if Alphonse was trying to fuck with his head but if he was it was working.

"I'm not really hungry right now. I'll eat later, thanks." He mumbled and sniffed as he laid his leg flat, still hiding his face behind his hair, and started to rub the oil into his knee.

"Okay." Al agreed again, "Can I make you coffee at least?" he sounded hopeful.

Edward felt incredibly tense and his emotions were chaotic so instead of answering verbally he just nodded stiffly, hoping for the moment to get Alphonse out of the room so he could be confused and emotional in private.

That had been his plan after all, to hide his emotional pain from Alphonse in order to make their 'break up' easier on the younger blonde…he hadn't been expecting Al to seek him out and start acting so…normal.

He felt Alphonse leave his side and some quick steps later the door closed and he was alone again, he let out a heavy breath and leaned his forearm on his knee as he frowned at the floor.

"What the hell…" Edward muttered.

He'd been gearing himself up to deal with tension, awkward silences and an overall miserable atmosphere. But Alphonse wasn't avoiding him or treating like an uncomfortable obstacle, he was trying to make  _conversation_  and he was even  _reaching out_.

 _'Did I get it wrong? Is this about Elizabeth or something else? What would make him want to stop being intimate with me, but not…upset him enough to stop him from being around me? Wait…what?'_  Edward dropped the cloth on the floor with a groan and drew his other leg up, elbows on knees he cradled his head in his hands.

He didn't know how he was supposed to respond to Alphonse behaving amicably.

With yet another sigh he picked the cloth back up and finished off the oil polishing of his leg and when he was done he stood up and picked up the cans and cloths before heading toward the door.

He stopped short when the door opened and Alphonse walked in carrying a steaming mug of coffee in one hand, "Oh, let me take that…here." Al said with another one of those small hopeful smiles and Edward stood numbly while the contents of his hands were exchanged for the coffee mug and then Alphonse left the bedroom again.

Edward watched the door close and he blinked twice, feeling rather slow for a moment before he looked at the steaming coffee, the smell of it was strong just the way he liked it. He brought it to his lips and sipped it slowly, tasting it instead of swallowing a gulp and burning himself like he'd been doing lately.

He didn't think much of the fact that he was standing in the same spot and drinking his coffee until the door opened again and he turned his distant –confused- gaze to Alphonse.

The younger blonde stepped into the room and closed the door and Edward wondered for a split second if Alphonse had changed his mind about the whole thing or something.

And Ed didn't know how he would feel about the unfair fickleness of something like that.

"I'm going to work in an hour, but I'll be home by two since it's the Sunday shift. I just wanted to let you know and find out how you were feeling before I left?" Alphonse asked quietly as he leaned his back against the door.

Edward cleared his mind quickly, deciding to deal with what was immediately happening instead of wracking his brain over everything else that made no sense,

"I'm fine." he said by default and then frowned and glanced over Alphonse, "Are  **you**  okay, how's your stomach?" he let the feeling of concern come forth so all of the other emotions faded into the background.

Alphonse raised his eyebrows and smiled in a way that was  **so**  familiar to Edward, it was the smile Al always used to give him before and after his armor years…genuine and sweet,

"I'm fine, the bruise is really ugly but it only hurts a lot if I touch it or move too strenuously. Doing counter sales and arranging the shelves at work will be a cinch so don't worry about me." his tone was even light.

Edward's stomach felt very heavy with worry as he stared at his younger brother, Al was acting…like himself…from before…

Worriedly Ed thought that maybe Alphonse was experiencing some sort of mental breakdown or schizophrenia. He opened his mouth to say something and then closed it again and looked at the floor, not sure whether he should bring up the night before.

It was still a sore spot for him…he didn't want to start something unpleasant especially if he was wrong and Alphonse was just trying really hard to get along.

He looked at Al again and saw that his smile was sadder,

"I promise I'm okay, Edward." He said quietly, knowing the older blonde well, "Do you promise you're okay?"

Edward swallowed sorely,

 _'I'm not okay but saying that won't make anything better.'_ "Yeah, I promise I'm okay Al." he smiled weakly as his misery remained unseen beneath his façade, "But you shouldn't go to work, you should be applying ice to that," he gestured to Al's midsection, "a few times over the next few days and resting." He said truthfully and sipped his coffee again, his throat felt dry.

Alphonse sighed,

"I don't want to lose my job, you didn't call them yesterday did you?" he asked in an amused tone instead of an upset one like Edward would have expected. He'd forgotten all about calling the pharmacy,

"Uh, no I forgot, sor-…"

"It's okay, really, I'd just rather go today so I can explain what happened." He mentioned the incident as if there were no significant emotions attached to it.

 _This_  Alphonse was not the one he'd been living with for the past few months, there was no anger, no gloom, no undertones and no ill hidden emotions in his expressions, it was just Al.

Edward still felt worried…but also a little relieved and…happy. He didn't understand it but he didn't think it could be a bad thing.

Of course, he needed to know if Alphonse was suffering some stress induced temporary memory loss, possibly a breakdown or if he was just incredibly bipolar because without a reason Edward could logically think of, a change this sudden in mood and personality couldn't possibly be healthy.

"You shouldn't go to work…" he mumbled, not really thinking about that since he was considering a way to test Alphonse.

"Ed, come on…" Alphonse sighed and Edward's stomach tensed when the younger blonde flashed him a sappy smile, so perfectly adorable, so very much like the younger brother he'd missed so much.

The idea to test  _touch_  struck him and he jumped on it,

"Can I see the bruise?" Edward asked evenly.

He figured that depending on how Alphonse reacted to him, he'd get some idea of what was going on. If Al declined it'd be obvious he wasn't interested in any physical contact, just like the night before in which case Ed would know he hadn't suffered some strange breakdown and was just trying really hard to be nice. But if acquiesced, Edward could judge by Al's further reaction to proximity and touch whether Alphonse was  _affected_  or not by him still, good or bad.

A basic experiment with volatile and unstable variables, it could go badly or really well.

And hopefully conclude with a useful result.

Alphonse blinked and glanced at himself before he nodded and stopped leaning against the door,

"Yeah sure…" he said softly.

Edward watched him carefully and the first thing he noticed was the nervous tick Alphonse had unknowingly developed, he licked his lips quickly before he reached for the hem of his shirt.

Edward narrowed his eyes slightly as the younger blonde lifted his shirt up –Ed took note that he was dressed to go out in a jeans and T shirt. But when the bruise was partially visible, Ed's attention was diverted and he stepped closer,

"Hold this Al…" he instructed as he pushed the mug at Alphonse, his voice distracted.

Alphonse let one side of his shirt fall slightly and took the coffee mug without complaint, but he looked a little wide eyed and uncertain. Edward noted that as he took the liberty of holding Alphonse's shirt with one hand and pushing it up further to reveal the entire bruise.

Edward frowned, it'd spread further than the day before and it looked slightly swollen, forgetting his original intentions for getting close to Al, he shook his head,

"Alphonse you need to ice this, have you seen it? It looks worse than it did yesterday…" Ed didn't think before he leaned down slightly, raising his free hand and gently pressing his fingers near the center of the contusion. Even though Alphonse twitched anxiously and his stomach trembled away from his touch, Ed was able to feel that it wasn't firm to touch and he sighed in relief, "…you took pain killers right? So you're not hurting but if you don't rest there's a good chance it'll get worse and-…"

"I know what could happen, I'm studying to be a doctor remember." Alphonse said quietly.

Edward frowned deeper and stood up straight to look into Alphonse's face,

"Exactly, you know I'm right so why are you being so…stub-born…" his frown disappeared when he realized that Alphonse was blushing faintly and he looked…bashful.

While it was terribly cute to see Alphonse look at him like a shy school girl, it was also incredibly strange.

Alphonse's stomach twitched beneath his fingers and he remembered his hand was still lightly touching the bruise so he moved it away slowly and let go of Al's shirt as well, he didn't know if he had an answer because even though Alphonse was  _reacting_  to his proximity, it was a different reaction than he was used to, which confused him further.

"I won't do much at work, I'll-…"

Edward shook his head, despite being confused about Al's behavior the contusion and its bad state was crystal clear in his mind,

"No, you can't go to work, it'd be irresponsible of you and me to let you walk around injured." He stepped back to give Al the space he'd thought the younger blonde wanted, but wasn't so sure anymore, "I'll go to the pharmacy to tell them you're hurt and I'll pick up some arnica cream as well, it'll help heal the bruise…"

Edward watched as Alphonse nodded weakly and covered his abdomen with his shirt,

"Okay, you're right." He mumbled.

Ed felt bad for invading Al's space, even though he hadn't done anything that wouldn't be totally platonic under normal circumstances,

"Sorry if I…uh…" he didn't want to say 'touched you' because his gut told him that'd bring up those emotions he was trying to avoid, so he cleared his throat and went for a different angle, "When I get back with the cream I'll let you rest, I won't bother you okay?" He offered and took the cooling coffee mug back from Al's hand.

He finished off the coffee and walked over to his wardrobes, Ed pulled one of the doors open and grabbed the first jeans on a hanger he spotted and only then remembered he was only wearing his boxer shorts…and Alphonse didn't seem uncomfortable about that.

 _'Maybe it isn't like it was in the beginning, maybe I don't need to keep away from him?'_  he walked over to the bed and put the mug down on the bedside table. Edward still didn't understand it but he guessed it wouldn't be unreasonable to assume that since they'd changed and adapted to their 'relationship' over the months, it was possible Alphonse had grown past that.

Edward started to pull the jeans on when he glanced at Alphonse, as if to prove him right and wrong at the same time, the younger blonde was standing in the same spot and watching him. He didn't look like he was bursting at the seams with desire but he was blushing and looking  _shy_  and it baffled Edward.

It made Ed uncomfortable because he didn't know how to deal with it.

He did up his jeans once he had them on and went back to the wardrobe for a shirt, as he reached in to dig through his drawer Alphonse spoke up,

"Maybe when you get back we could play chess…or something…"

Edward couldn't see Alphonse because of the wardrobe door but when he said 'or something' it didn't sound even remotely suggestive. Ed felt several painful and confusing emotions clash with his concern and inapt happiness.

He didn't feel very well…

"Okay, we can play chess if you want." He responded neutrally and pulled a shirt out, it was a little creased but he didn't actually give a shit. He was keen to get out and get some air.

"And when I'm healed up, we should spar more often and also…we should go out sometimes." Alphonse went on quietly but his voice was pleasant. Edward closed the wardrobe door and glanced at Al, he was smiling slightly and had his arms folded very loosely across his chest, "We could go and watch a movie, I haven't been to a new theatre so I'd like to go, what do you think?"

Edward tossed the new shirt on the bed as he approached it and pulled his sleeping shirt up over his head, he only realized once he reached for his clean shirt again that he should maybe not be undressing in front of Al, he chanced a glance at his younger brother.

Still watching, still blushing faintly but his gaze wasn't wandering.

Ed nodded,

"Yeah Al, that sounds fine." he agreed as he pulled the clean shirt on, although he'd hardly heard what Alphonse had said and at that moment didn't know what he'd agreed to. He'd remember later.

He made a final trip to the wardrobe –his confusion and anxiousness throwing off his logical order- to get socks. He un-balled them and pulled them onto his feet where he stood instead of sitting down.

When he was done he pulled the elastic out of his hair and started to run his hands through it to re-gather it into a high ponytail. Edward walked instead toward the doorway and Alphonse moved to open the door for him,

"I could go with you if you want." Al said just as CookieBoots meowed and slipped into the bedroom with a quick weave between their legs.

Edward turned to say something about the cat –which would have been muffled by the hair elastic between his lips- but Alphonse had already picked the cat up and was closing the door behind them. Ed blinked and finished gathering his hair before he took the elastic out of his mouth to tie it up,

"You should make a cold compress and lie down, I won't be gone long, maybe fifteen minutes." He said, feeling oddly guilty about wanting to leave Alphonse when the younger blonde seemed to be trying to keep him close.

Was he being an asshole? Unreasonable? Selfish? He had no fucking idea...

Edward walked down the hall and slipped into the bathroom to brush his teeth, Alphonse didn't follow but Edward heard him say 'Okay, I will' in a completely amicable voice from the hall.

Alone now, he pushed the door so it touched the frame but wasn't closed properly and then he walked to the counter and frowned at himself in the mirror,

"I don't get this…ugh…what…dammit Alphonse…" he whispered to himself, swallowing sorely. He ran a hand over his face before he reached for his toothbrush and the toothpaste.

If he looked at it for what it felt like and perceived Alphonse's behavior at face value, it seemed as though Al was trying to be…like he was before, like they were before. When they were just-

 _'Brothers!'_  he blinked at his reflection and stopped with his toothbrush in his mouth as it occurred to him.

He slowly started brushing his teeth as he remembered the night before and what Alphonse had said,

 _'Something about he just wants…uh, he didn't finish and he said that we're brothers.'_  Edward remembered being  **very**  pissed off when he'd heard those words because he'd said it himself so many times and Alphonse never listened.

But now that he wasn't feeling so angry, he remembered that something had changed between them and Edward knew the change had occurred that night they argued and he said that awful thing to Alphonse about the Sildenafil. His chest hurt to think about how nasty he'd been and he nearly choked on his toothbrush as he absently pushed the brush too far down his throat.

He gagged slightly and coughed as he leaned over the basin, when his throat stopped its mild convulsion he spat out a glob of toothpaste and stared unseeingly down into the white basin,

 _'That night he apologized for…manipulating me, he acknowledged what he'd done for the first time, at least to_ _ **me**_ _. He acknowledged his_ _ **guilt**_ _…so then, this change, this abrupt and contradictory change in what he wants is probably just the resulting contrition for his guilt.'_ Edward raised his head and stared at his reflection,  _'He's giving me what I want, he's ended our sexual relationship and is trying to repair our brotherhood...?'_

It wasn't as complicated as it seemed in the end and after a brief stint of confusing emotional concern, Edward now managed to figure out  **exactly**  what was going through his younger brother's mind.

And he was bombarded with new mixed emotions on the subject.

He felt happy because it  **was**  what he wanted but he felt worried because it wasn't what Alphonse wanted and finally…he felt anxious and sad…because he had different and unorthodox feelings for Al that wouldn't disappear overnight, if at all and he didn't have much of a plan for handling those feelings.

He'd planned a far from genius strategy of  _ignore, avoid_  and  _lie_  about his feelings but that had been before Alphonse walked into his bedroom to extend a metaphorical olive branch and also before he'd figured out that he wasn't being rejected or found suddenly disgusting to Al.

Now that he knew what was going on…he felt lost.

He knew what Alphonse was **trying**  to do, he knew what Alphonse  **actually**  wanted and he knew what he was  **hiding**  about his own feelings…

…feelings that, if revealed, would have a  **huge**  impact on their 'relationship'.

The question…that he had to ask himself was simple, yet sick and scary and morally complicated.

 _'What do I want?'_  he spat again into the basin as he blinked his burning eyes out of a blind stare and he opened the cold tap. Ed rinsed his mouth out and his toothbrush off and then splashed some water onto his face.

When he was done and he'd dabbed a towel over his face he sighed and smiled sadly to himself,

 _'It doesn't matter what I want, the only thing that matters is what's best for Alphonse. And it's definitely not_ _ **incest**_ _.'_ He swallowed thickly and hung the towel back on the silver rail.

That was all the decision he needed to make as far as he was concerned. And so Edward left the bathroom with the unanswered and ignored question of what  **he**  wanted and he focused solely on ways of making the transition back to brothers as easy on them both as possible.

Alphonse was making everything  **easier**  but it was still so fucking hard for Edward to wrap his head around it.

* * *

Presently Ed was seated on a bus that was occupied by only himself and one other stranger, he could have afforded a cab to get to his destination but he wasn't in a hurry since he was on his way to Central HQ. The bus had a route and would take a nice lengthy amount of time to get there, which suited him just fine.

Especially since he had a lot on his mind.

The previous late afternoon –Sunday- the building receptionist had knocked on their apartment door bringing with her a telephone message left by one General Roy Mustang for Mister Edward Elric, saying that the construction site would be closed for the week to come and that Edward needed to see Mustang at Central HQ 9 a.m. Monday morning.

As if Edward didn't have  _enough_  to deal with.

His Sunday had been bizarre and confusing enough without Mustang letting him know that his Monday morning would be filled with the older man's obnoxious and flirtatious presence. He sighed as his thoughts easily drifted back to his younger brother, Ed leaned his head against the bus window as he thought about how oddly normal Alphonse was acting while still being not quite completely normal at the same time.

When Edward had returned from getting the cream for the bruise Alphonse had been laying on the couch with a cold compress rested on his abdomen –just as he'd been instructed-, the chess set was laid out on the coffee table and Ed could smell hot chocolate.

It wasn't cold outside that time of year but their tradition of chess and hot chocolate going as far back as their first years in Risembool after Al's restoration had never been seasonal so Edward didn't think it completely strange. Alphonse had announced that he made hot chocolate with a smile and Ed had just nodded.

He'd watched numbly as Alphonse took the ice pack off his stomach with a grimace and readjusted his shirt once he sat up, then he'd watched just as numbly as Alphonse went off to the kitchen. What followed had been two games of chess –both of which Al won because Ed's head was not in the game at all- and a few cups of hot chocolate.

Admittedly the conversation had been awkward and stiff, Alphonse had tried again to talk about Ed's work but the older blonde had sidestepped the questions each time, none too subtly but he didn't care. They'd played until it was late afternoon which was when Mustang's message came.

After that Edward allowed himself to assume the role he was best and genuine in, a concerned and caring brother, it came naturally and seemed to be the best frame of mind for him since he had no idea how to deal with Al's small pleasant smiles and attempts at small talk.

Edward made another compress but with a warm towel instead since alternating between warm and cold was good for reducing swelling and encouraging blood flow respectively. Alphonse hadn't complained about the fussing and simply lay down on the couch again, picked his shirt up until it was under his arms and allowing Edward to care for him. Just like during his recovery and even afterward…he seemed perfectly content to be taken care of by Edward.

After removing the compress a while later Edward had been a little uncertain about the application of the cream, did he do it himself or should he let Alphonse do it? He'd taken the cream out and feeling too confused to make the decision himself he'd held the small container out to Al who had still been lying on the couch.

They had been in the same position as the night before, Edward sitting beside him on the couch and yet Alphonse seemed oblivious to it while Edward's insides hadn't settled all day and felt a little worse in that moment.

The bus stopped to pick someone up and Edward's head bumped against the window, he grimaced in annoyance, waiting for the bus to move again before he leaned his head back.

Alphonse had looked at the cream and then –with a small cute frown- he'd asked if Edward could do it. With a short uncertain nod Edward had done as requested and gingerly applied the cream to the bruise with the lightest touch of his fingertips…and Alphonse had been blushing faintly the entire time.

 _'What the fuck…?'_  Edward thought right then what he'd thought at the time. Alphonse had cringed at his touch on Saturday but on Sunday he did ask for it and blushed shyly each time Edward made any contact with him.

After Ed had finished with the cream, they'd eaten together over more awkward conversation –on Edward's part- and had their separate showers afterward and finally…they'd gone to their separate bedrooms and slept.

That morning Edward had left the apartment only after peeking into Al's bedroom and seeing him sleeping, like he'd always done before they'd moved to Central. He was surprised by just how easily he fell back into his old ways, habits he'd thought he abandoned after so long of being his brother's lover. And while his anxiousness had yet to settle, he wasn't feeling particularly stressed out.

Which shouldn't have been as surprising as it was, after all, they were brothers and always had been despite their sins and mistakes, so being brothers once again shouldn't be hard…and it wasn't.

Not on the surface anyway but emotionally it was pretty painful.

Edward wasn't sure how everyday going forward trying to achieve to brotherhood again would be like while he lived with the daunting knowledge that he'd  **slept** with Alphonse, that they'd experienced things they shouldn't have, touched each other, kissed each other and shared bodily fluids.

He was nauseated just thinking about it from that perspective.

When he'd finally gotten used to being intimate with Alphonse he'd stopped thinking of things like that, he'd stopped paining himself over the little details of sleeping with his brother and had just tried to cope with the overall guilt of failing Al as a brother on the whole.

Now that he was on the outside again, looking in at the situation as a brother without having to consider everything as a lover, he was worried that he'd start regressing to the state where he'd broken down trying to cope with what he'd done.

But aside from the neverending churn of anxiousness in his stomach and the unnatural feelings for Alphonse he was working steadily to not think about at all…he was…managing.

 _'Maybe I should take it as a good thing, I thought it'd be harder to deal with this but it's not so bad. If we both come out of this with only a few tainted intimate memories and things we'd prefer not to ever talk about again, it'd be better than long term emotional pain and a void between us'._  He nodded to himself as he watched the bland scenery of Central's streets go by.

Ten minutes later he got off the bus and walked down the block to the north entrance of Central HQ. It never took Edward long to get by security, aside from the fact that Mustang always notified the security detail if he was coming, for the most part he was recognized.

As he walked through HQ's white concrete and neatly kept grass lined paths Edward thought about his recent weakening resolve with regards to rejoining the military. He knew it was a bad idea to bring it up with Mustang since once he gave that dog a bone he would be asking for trouble but Ed also knew that if he wanted to know what he would be getting out of rejoining, he'd  _have_  to ask the bastard.

He made his way inside the main building and then up to the General's office after a few more quick –annoying- security checks and when he reached the dark wood double doors he half rolled his eyes and walked in.

All heads of the outer office occupants popped up from their desks and it was smiles all around, Edward couldn't help smiling slightly back at them.

These people used to be his colleagues, now he supposed they could be considered 'friends'.

"Hey Boss." Havoc grinned and relaxed back in his chair.

"Ed, long time no see." Breda nodded with a smile looking as lazy as ever.

"Hi Ed." Fuery smiled and waved with a screwdriver in his hand before he went back to whatever he was fixing.

"Good morning, Edward." Falman said as he walked to his desk from Riza's carrying some papers.

"Good morning Ed, the General is expecting you." Riza smiled and shuffled some papers on her desk which was nearest to Mustang's double doors.

Edward had just nodded and mumbled 'hi's' to everyone in turn before he focused on Riza and walked into the office, pushing the door closed behind himself,

"Morning Major." He smiled at her and approached her desk, a long time ago when he'd resigned she'd said he should call her Riza but Edward doubted he'd ever be able to do that, it felt too weird, "Should I just go in?" he sighed and gestured to the second set of double doors.

"Since when do you ask?" Havoc asked in an amused tone loudly, "I remember a time when doors were nothing but an unnecessary hindrance to you, Ed."

"Yeah, how many times did the Gen make you fix his doors every time you kicked it in or dented it?" Breda chuckled.

"154 times, that I know of…Falman used to keep count." Fuery added and Edward turned to glare at him for joining in, the man smiled apologetically.

"And that's  _not_  counting the dents you made in his desk and the wall behind the doors of his offices." Hawkeye smirked and Ed swiveled back around to turn his glare on her, when she winked at him, instead of glaring he blushed and glared at Mustang's doors instead,

"If it hadn't been the doors it would have been Mustang himself." He grumbled.

Havoc chuckled and Breda made a noise that sounded like agreement,

"Heh yeah, I think I remember him saying something like 'rather the furniture than my face.'" the red haired man laughed along with Havoc,

"I remember that." Fuery added with a small laugh of his own.

"Yeah and then he made a comment about valuing his good looks more than anything…"

Next they were all snickering over Roy stealing another one of Jean's dates and Edward shook his head and looked back to Riza as she signed another document, she was smiling as she listened to them.

It was just like it used to be, people never really changed in the end.

"Should I-…" he asked again, quieter that time but she nodded before he finished,

"And don't be so polite as to knock Ed, you might just give him a heart attack." She joked quietly.

Edward tried not to smirk at that comment, Riza always had had a reserved but good humor,

"If he does keel over it's just cause he's getting old." He mumbled in response and then walked toward the doors.

Taking Riza's good humored advice simply because it suited him, he didn't knock…although he did sort of want to. Since he no longer worked there he felt almost compelled to follow usual manners and etiquette.

 _'It's Al's fault, all that stuff about manners and whatever.'_  He thought grumpily as he walked into the office unannounced, he glanced at the main desk under the large windows and Mustang glanced up at him as he closed the door.

The older man went back to what he was doing, his head bowed over his work as his hand moved to the sound of a pen scrawling over paper. Edward heard the smile in his voice when he spoke,

"Edward, I'm glad to see your time keeping is as excellent as ever."

"What're you talking about, I'm a half hour late at least." He informed lazily as he walked over to the leather sofas in Mustang's office.

"Exactly, just as expected…you'll find the coffee is still hot."

Edward narrowed his eyes at the tray on the table between the couches, on it sat a full –steaming- coffee pot with two clean cups overturned beside it as well as a bowl of sugar cubes, two teaspoons and of course a small jug containing milk.

Edward raised an eyebrow,

"It's creepy that you know me so well." He muttered and moved to sit down on one of the couches, he hadn't carried a bag so he had nothing excess with him. Edward leaned back on the couch and draped his arms along the back as he crossed his jean clad legs.

"Some might say it's the correct premise for a good, strong relationship."

Edward didn't read too much into that, it didn't sound flirtatious so he didn't take it like that,

"I still say it's creepy."

The older man chuckled quietly.

He heard the scrape of Mustang's chair on the floor and quickly the older man walked into view and sat on the couch opposite Edward, except he sat on the edge leaned forward. Edward watched him overturn the cups and he sat forward as well, feeling like he shouldn't let the future Fuhrer make coffee for him.

 _'Fucking manners, what the hell…'_  he scowled to himself as he reached for the coffee pot, "I'll do it." He mumbled and pulled the mugs closer to his end of the tray,

"Thanks." Mustang said after a moment of quiet.

Edward glanced at him as he poured the dark liquid into the cups, Mustang's eyebrows were raised slightly,

"Don't look so surprised, I know how to be nice, I just don't do it much." He mumbled and picked up the tiny spoon, "How many sugars?" Edward asked evenly as he put one cube into his own cup.

"Two, thanks." Mustang responded.

Edward stirred in the sugar after he added it and then he added milk to Mustang's cup,

"It's soy milk, you can drink it." Mustang said evenly.

Edward glanced at him before he picked the little milk jug up again, he didn't really want any but since the bastard made a plan to have the milk substitute available he chose to not be a jerk.

 _'I must be getting soft if I care about this stupid shit.'_  He kept scowling as he stirred in the milk.

When he was done he picked his own cup up and sat back, looking at Mustang as the older man sat back as well,

"Thanks." He said again and Edward narrowed his eyes and sipped his coffee,

"Why the hell are you saying 'thanks' so much, Mustang?" he asked irritably.

Mustang sipped his coffee, looking unphased and lazy,

"It's the first time in as long as we've known one another that you've made me a cup of coffee, I don't want to seem ungrateful for your rare show of kindness." He was smiling, looking amused and sounding bored.

"Yeah yeah, don't get used to it." Edward grumbled and looked toward the windows.

"I'd never dream of it." Mustang said lightly.

They sat in silence for a beat before Ed looked at him again,

"So why am I here? You could have left a message to tell me I have the week off instead of making me come all the way here." He complained half-heartedly, the coffee was imported and expensive, he liked expensive coffee, it made him feel better.

He expected Mustang to say something flirtatious like he usually did but the older man surprised him,  
"While you do have the week off and possibly the next as well, following that break your work load might increase." He said in his lazy business tone.

Edward frowned, not liking the way that sounded. Mustang explained,

"After I told the investors and other military General's about the setback on site they took it as an opportunity to revise…again."

"What!" Edward snapped as he clutched the handle of the mug tightly, had he still had his automail he would have had a lap full of hot coffee for the aggravated reaction.

"That was my reaction too, it seems they've all unanimously agreed that they want a few more additions to the Embassy building…including an entire extra floor." Mustang sighed and placed his coffee down as he stood up, "They've sent the new written floor plan along with a few more changes, they want elevators instead of just stair cases and…" he trailed off and Edward clenched his jaw as he turned to sit sideways and look over the back of the couch at Mustang's back, "….another large change in the design." He finished as he flipped through some papers he'd sought out on his desk.

Edward frowned and put his almost empty mug down, he stood up as well and walked around the sofa over to Mustang,

"Let me see." he reached for the papers and Mustang let him take it,

"I don't like it, just for the record." The older man said calmly and folded his arms behind his back.

Edward gave him a wary glare and then he skimmed through the changes and frowned,

"They want the building to be a rotunda…" he felt his irritation rising, "…the entirety of Central is designed in classical symmetrical architecture and they want to have a massive building with a dome in all that, talk about an eyesore." He shook his head and brushed his bangs behind his ear before he looked at Mustang.

They weren't standing particularly close but Edward put some distance between them anyway, taking a casual step back and waving the papers,

"Whose dumb idea was this?"

Mustang shrugged,

"I don't know, one of the many people investing Cenz into this and others involved obviously agreed." He leaned against his desk and folded his arms over his chest.

"It's funny, all this trouble…we don't even have an ambassador in Amestris." Edward shook his head, not looking forward to more tedious work.

"Not yet but…" Mustang grinned, "…I'm hoping to have been inaugurated as Fuhrer by then so I can choose someone myself, someone who is actually a good representative in all respects and not just a rich politician."

Edward didn't care,

"Yeah…okay whatever, so why the time off?" he asked shortly.

Mustang raised his eyebrows,

"Because…they're still revising, which is why I said you'll have more work following the time off. You shouldn't actually start working on anything in case they change their minds aga-…"

"Can't you do something about this Mustang!?" he snapped irritably, "They can't just keep changing their fucking minds, I'm not spending hours drawing up plans for shits and fucking giggles!" his temper flared and once he was done yelling he mentally berated himself for the tantrum, it was so much like when he was a teenager.

Edward sighed loudly, glared at the floor as he rubbed his hand over his mouth slowly, he glanced at Mustang,

"Sorry…" he huffed, "…I'm just…just…" he shook his head.

He was  **just**  fed up of how thoroughly life always fucked him over.

Edward already had so much emotional pain dealing with his past guilt, present guilt and the void that not having alchemy left inside him…on top of having to do this job in order to give himself and Al some semblance of normalcy and stability, feeling frustrated enough to want to rejoin the fucking military and trying to figure out how to live with being in love with Alphonse while trying to not be in love with Alphonse.

It made him sick and he closed his eyes, frowning and swallowing thickly.

"I know you're annoyed with the work Ed…" Mustang was saying and he trailed off, sounding so understanding it made Edward even more sick, "…are you okay, you look a little pale?" now he sounded concerned.

Edward opened his eyes and glanced at the older man, he didn't know if he looked as exhausted as he suddenly felt,

"Yeah, fine, I'm just tired." He said quietly, honestly.

He felt so fucking tired.

"You want to sit down?" Mustang asked gently.

Edward frowned at the tone of voice, he wasn't familiar with that tone from the older man,

"No…" he said shortly, his defenses going up a little.

A hand on his shoulder made him take note that Mustang was standing in front of him, looking concerned and being understanding and it didn't feel right, it made Edward uncomfortable, just like he'd been that fucking night he cried in front of Roy. He assumed Mustang thought it was  _okay_  to be all comforting because of that incident, but Edward didn't like it.

"Water?" Mustang offered.

Edward made an irritated sound and looked at him, their heights were only marginally different but the 2 or so inches were still noticeable,

"Would you quit this concerned routine, I appreciate the thought but you're getting on my damn nerves." He said as scathingly as he could.

He felt like a douchebag instantly, remembering all too well that Mustang had been nothing but supportive for as long as they'd known each other.

Of course Mustang was used to Edward and didn't even flinch or move away,

 _'Bastard knows me_ _**too** _ _well.'_

"Well at least you don't look pale anymore, if annoying you puts some color in your cheeks I'll gladly deal with the consequences." He smirked in an awfully nice way and Edward…

…blushed.

 _'Fuck!'_  he looked away from a surprised looking Mustang and pushed the hand off his shoulder stiffly,

"And here I thought you weren't going to pull anymore of this flirty bullshit." He grumbled and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I wasn't flirting…but the fact that I made you blush means I'm getting to you." Mustang said pleasantly, not putting any distance between them.

So Edward did so again, he walked away and turned back to go toward the couches,

"To what end, Mustang? You wouldn't like it if I started taking you seriously and ended up making a move on you…" he said irritably, his voice flat and completely unserious. He was expecting his statement to get a laugh and a comment from Mustang that would be asinine and flippant.

Basically, not serious.

"What makes you think I wouldn't like it?" Mustang asked in a tone that didn't give much away.

Edward had just sat down and he frowned, whipping around on the couch to glare at Mustang and get an idea of what the older man was thinking from his expression, he expected it was some other form of teasing but Mustang was standing with his arms over his chest just where Ed had left him and looking at him sidelong.

Edward felt new worry blossom in his stomach, unwelcomed just like the serious and strange vibes he was getting from Roy Mustang. Effectively creeping him the fuck out.

"You're so full of shit." Edward said irritably, "It's one thing to flirt in jest because I swing both ways but you're pushing it now." He warned as he turned and sat normally, sighing and slumping in the seat leaving the papers on the seat next to him, "It stops being funny at some point." He finished flatly and honestly.

Mustang's teasing was getting old fast. Edward didn't have time to deal with that nonsense, just like he didn't have time to be going out with that blonde waitress, making friends and doing anything that could be considered an extracurricular activity.

His priorities had and always would be  **Alphonse** , Winry, Pinako, himself and then the general din of life, like working and making money or socializing with idiots like Mustang.

And he took care of what he had to, he sent a cheque to Pinako every month and he assumed she accepted it because they never came back to him. She and Winry were family and he had to help support them no matter how much money they made, it made him feel better to do that. He used to send cheques to Izumi and Sig but she sent them back every time so Edward gave up.

And as usual, the rest of his time and attention went to his little brother.

Right then Alphonse was his first and only priority he needed to fully focus on.

He blinked out of his thoughts when he heard Mustang sigh, Edward frowned at the sound,

"Alright Edward…" he half mumbled, "…that's all I had to tell you concerning the construction, if the time off is extended I'll let you know." He didn't sound amused anymore.

Edward smirked, grabbed the papers and stood up before walking around the couch,

"So you're gonna stop flirting?" he asked with a victorious half grin.

Mustang looked quite serious,

"If you don't like it then yes, I'll stop." He answered calmly.

"I don't like it." Edward informed.

He expected the conversation to be over after that and started for the door but he stopped when he thought maybe it wouldn't be so bad to ask Mustang about the rejoining the military thing, since he'd taken the smug out of the older man for the moment he figured he should take advantage.

So he turned around and opened his mouth but Mustang spoke first,

"Why?" he asked evenly as he walked toward Edward slowly.

Edward closed his mouth and frowned,

"Why what?" he didn't put the question together with his last spoken words quick enough,

"Why don't you like it, is it because you don't like flirting in general or don't you like it because it's me?"

Ed stared at Mustang as if he'd lost his mind,

"Both." He said simply, "Anyway I wanted to ask-…"

"I'm offended, what's wrong with me?" Mustang asked with mock hurt in his voice.

Edward just huffed, annoyed to the point of exasperation,

"I'm leaving  **now**." He stated flatly and turned around.

"Is it because I'm not a blonde? _'_  Mustang went on, making Edward's recent urges to hit someone twice as strong.

"Fuck off, Mustang." He was not going to take that shit, not in his current mood, he reached the door.

Mustang chuckled lowly,

"You're no fun Fullmetal…" he said with an exaggerated breath, "…never mind then, what did you want to ask?" his voice was back to lazy in an instant and Edward felt  _relieved_. Even being called Fullmetal didn't annoy him, if anything it made him more interested in asking his intended question.

He was at the door, hand on the handle, so he leaned his shoulder against the wood as he half turned to look at Mustang, the older man was walking back to his desk,

"Okay…just answer the question okay, don't act like a bastard about it." He waited until Mustang was seated and looking at him indolently before he leveled him with a questioning glare.

Mustang raised his eyebrows and leaned his elbows on his desk,

"Alright." He agreed with a hint of a smirk.

Edward second guessed himself,

 _'It's just a question, I just need to know what I'd be getting out of it, if it'll be worth my time.'_  He sighed, "I wanted to ask…" he pulled his face and walked back toward the desk, eyeing the door briefly like he thought it might be too thin, "…I just want to know…" he stopped just short of the desk, "…what offer is on the table for me if I consider rejoining the military?" He asked very quietly, wishing he could take the words back the moment he said them.

Mustang's smirk grew smug very quickly but to Edward's surprise, the older man smothered it in the next second and sniffed before he sat back in his lush desk chair and crossed his legs, arms folding across his chest,

"I would reinstate you at Colonel ranking, your outstanding service to this country assures you as much. You know most of what that rank entitles you to, so ask your questions." He said very seriously.

Edward was grateful he was treating the question professionally, he nodded slowly,

"Yeah, okay…so with being a Colonel, I'd have subordinates, a department to run, I'd have to take meetings, be deployed for mediation or overseeing state affairs if necessary, I'd have to run drills with cadets and all that shit right?" he asked evenly.

Mustang nodded,

"Yes, all that shit." He smirked just slightly.

Edward glared mildly and then took a deep breath to ask the question he dreaded most,

"I…I wouldn't be a state alchemist anymore…" he hated how soft he'd said that, "…people would ask questions, anyway around that?"

Mustang became completely serious, his eyes lowering to his lap and Edward felt the atmosphere in the room change.

It felt cold like the day he'd told Mustang he'd sacrificed his alchemy, standing in the very same spot and admitting something that still saddened him to this day.

Mustang licked his lips and seemed thoughtful for a moment before he finally looked back to Edward,

"You know that state alchemists, under the revised constitution, are not weapons of the state anymore Edward." He said quietly. Ed narrowed his eyes, "I would reinstate you as a State Alchemist, as the Fullmetal Alchemist. Despite your…" Ed visibly tensed, "…unfortunate circumstances with regards to alchemy, you're still a genius and your research has and always will be considered invaluable to the state."

The tension left Edward shoulders as the words sunk in but not because he liked what he'd heard, it was because he didn't. He shook his head after a moment,

"I can't walk around with the title of state alchemist if I'm not an alchemist. I'd feel…like a liar. I shouldn't have asked, I can't rejoin the military as a standard Colonel." He admitted and looked right at Mustang, the older man was frowning slightly,

"I suppose I understand what you mean, but make no mistake, you  **are** an alchemist Edward. And you know I'd like nothing more than to change your mind about rejoining  **my**  military." He smirked, so full of himself Ed could have slapped him.

Edward felt deflated after all that but he shook it off because there was nothing he could do to change it and he wouldn't do a damn thing differently if he had to go back. He had Alphonse…and that's what made the sacrifice worth it.

"One thing about it would be fucking sweet though…" he gave Mustang a sharkish grin and the older man tilted his head, feigning innocent curiosity, "…I'd take your place of being the youngest Colonel in Amestris state history."

Mustang smirked first and then all out smiled,

"If I had to give up that title I'd rather it be to a child prodigy than any ordinary person…and besides," he grinned rakishly, "you'd still be working for me and there'd be no way around that."

Edward rolled his eyes,

"Bastard."

Mustang didn't stop grinning,

"Although, there'd be a downside for  _me_  if you rejoined…" Edward raised an eyebrow, "…as an adult you'd be required to wear the military uniform."

The blonde frowned,

"I get why that'd piss me off…but what's it to you?" he asked confused.

Mustang blinked innocently,

"Why Edward, are you oblivious to how good you look in tight leather pants?"

Edward's eye twitched. Mustang blinked slowly.

A few seconds later Edward left Mustang's office after slamming the door so hard it shook on its hinges, he was  **fuming**  mad,cursing black and blue under his breath and very red in the face.

No one in General Roy Mustang's unit thought it was unusual…it was just like old times after all.

* * *

Edward stomped up the stairs to the apartment, most of his embarrassment and anger had left him by that point but he was still annoyed. He didn't know why he thought for a second Mustang would stop teasing him, no matter how much yelling, anger and frustration he'd expressed over the years the older man had never once stopped making fun of his height.

This was no different, he wasn't short anymore so those jokes no longer carried much weight but he was and  **always**  would be bisexual, and Roy Mustang would  **always**  make fun of that.

"I should have punched that bastard." He grumbled as he rounded the corner and stalked down the corridor, another person walking toward him stepped aside quickly and Edward felt pleased by it.

As much as punching Mustang would have felt good it wouldn't have made any difference and he would have just felt childish for overreacting to teasing.

"Just forget it, don't get mad Edward…get even…" he told himself with a devilish and scary grin on his face as he unlocked the apartment door and walked in, "…I'll show Mustang."

He kicked off his shoes irritably and ran a hand through his bangs as he walked into the hall, feeling really creeped out underneath his bravado.

He hoped Mustang was just teasing because if he wasn't then it would just be too weird to deal with. And he had enough weird, strange and confusing things going on as it was.

Speaking of weird, strange and confusing…before Edward could reach the kitchen he stopped walking because Alphonse came out of his own bedroom.

He didn't look too well, kind of pale and sleepy and he walked toward the older blonde quickly and then stopped a foot away, hesitating. Edward frowned,

"Al, whats wro-…" he was cut off.

Alphonse hugged him. He'd stepped forward and slipped his arms around Edward's shoulders almost nervously before finally tightening his hold and pressing his face to the side of Ed's neck almost desperately.

Edward didn't hesitate to raise his arms and hold Alphonse close to him, he pressed his face to Al's shoulder and inhaled quietly.

Alphonse was warm and his skin smelled familiar in a way that it shouldn't to Edward but it did and it made all of the tension leave his body. They were hugging too closely,  _brothers_  didn't hug like that but Alphonse didn't seem bothered so Edward didn't intervene, enjoying the warmth…and admittedly the feel of the younger blonde's body against his own.

He'd become too used to it. He felt so guilty.

After a while of just holding the younger blonde and feeling his warm even breaths against his neck, Edward mumbled,

"What's wrong, Alphonse?"

The hold Al had on him tightened for a moment before he finally eased up and pulled back, Edward's hands lowered to his flanks almost naturally and Alphonse's hands came to hold his face.

The younger blonde sniffed and stroked Ed's cheek bones with his thumbs,

"Nothing's wrong, I just felt like hugging you…" he spoke quietly, looking apologetic and Edward frowned, "…is that okay, Ed?"

Edward looked carefully at Alphonse's face and saw the obvious toll the change between them was taking on him, he looked sallow, his eyes were dark underneath and stress was visible in his expression, however slight.

 _'Of course this isn't easy…not for either of us.'_  And since he'd resolved to try and make it as easy as possible he nodded.

"Of course it's okay, Al." he smiled and felt the warm hands on his face shift, Al's hands moved smoothly down to Ed's jaw and the younger blonde sighed softly. Edward felt the sigh against his face since they were that close and for a moment he thought Al would kiss him…and he doubted he'd stop the younger blonde if he did.

But then the contact slipped away so Edward took his hands back automatically and Alphonse stepped back slightly stuffing his hands into his jeans back pockets,

"It's almost lunch time, I'll make us something to eat…how did your meeting with the General go?" Al's voice was too pleasant again, his smile was small and strained and he was trying so hard that Edward's heart broke for him.

 _'This must be so hard on him…but it's the right thing…I know it is.'_  He sighed and watched Alphonse walk into the kitchen before he followed.

His heart ached at the loss of closeness, the calming smell of Alphonse's skin lingered in his senses and the proximity of Al's lips just now reminded him of how the younger blonde tasted…

…but he forced down his own feelings and cleared his mind of everything but his main priority.

"Alphonse, why don't we go out for lunch…" he walked into the kitchen and watched as Alphonse's beautiful dark gold eyes lit up as the younger blonde looked at him, "...we haven't had pizza in a while." Ed suggested.

When Alphonse smiled at him brightly, Edward's heart raced and his stomach fluttered wildly.

It wasn't the reaction he should have had as a brother but he wasn't bothered by it at all, because Alphonse was happy.


	7. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks - to Vienna Wood for editing this chapter, your assistance is appreciated.
> 
> NB: I'd like to mention again that I try my best to make sure that all technology/devices mentioned in the story were in existence from at least 1920/1930 onward in our time in an attempt to match the time period of Amestris as much as I can.
> 
> -Thank you for the song recommendation for Alphonse, you know who you are.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Brand New

 

 

  
_Take me, take me back to your bed_   
_I love you so much that it hurts my head_   
_Say, "I don't mind you under my skin_   
_I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in"_   


  
_Well when we were made we were set apart_   
_But life is a test and I get bad marks_   
_Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins_   
_The storm is coming, the storm is coming in_   


  
_You burnt bright but you run out_   
_I fell asleep at the incline_   
_I can't shake this little feeling_   


_I never did anything right, I'm on my own..._

* * *

Alphonse groaned softly as he pulled his shirt up over his head.

He continued to slowly undress himself out of his running clothes with small grimaces and quiet groans. He'd taken pain killers earlier that evening after eating before he'd lain down on the couch again but they had worn off and the dull throb of the bruise seemed worse.

Once he was naked he stepped into the tub full of hot water, his skin rippled with goosebumps and burned slightly from the temperature of the water but he sank down into it without hesitation. Alphonse laid back against the tub and stretched out as much as he could.

The water level was high enough that he was completely immersed in it save for his partially bent knees and his head and the steam swirled slowly around him in the air as he breathed quietly.

Out of all the emotions he was dealing with right then, Alphonse was wrung out the worst from regret.

Regret was the first feeling he'd experienced when he woke up on the couch alone that afternoon…deep, painful regret. He'd been so sore, vulnerable and emotional when he and Ed had returned from their run that morning and in his pathetic state he'd handled everything all wrong.

He hadn't actually even handled anything, he'd just shriveled up and cried while Edward handled it.

He sighed and raised his hands out of the water to run them through his short hair as he sniffed,

 _'What do I do now?'_  Alphonse stared up at the ceiling with a small frown on his face.

An apology wouldn't do, saying sorry for being such a pathetic coward and letting Edward take the blame and the responsibility for something Ed probably didn't even properly understand would not be sufficient.

 _'I didn't explain, I didn't even say anything. I don't even know what he's thinking.'_  He sniffed again and shivered as his mid-section ached slightly and his body tensed with stress.

Yes, he was regretting how things had gone, he'd meant to talk to Edward and tell him the decision, explain his reasoning and apologize for everything he'd done to bring them to this point.

He'd messed it up because he was too weak, too human…too cowardly.

But there was something else also bubbling just beneath the surface, a feeling just as strong.

He'd fallen into a very sore and uncomfortable sleep with the taste of Edward on his lips and when he'd woken up he'd still been able to taste and smell the older blonde and it had stood out to him above the pain.

Down to his core, Alphonse had been filled with yearning and instead of making him feel impulsive and desperate for attention and touch like it used to, it made him feel sad and empty.

Alphonse drew his legs up more and brought his knees together, he raised his hands to his knees and as he slowly slid his hands down his inner thighs he considered giving into the warm desire still lingering from earlier. It'd be easy to touch himself to his imaginings and memories of where Edward would touch and kiss him, he'd done it so often.

But he didn't want his own hands, he wanted Edward and just hours earlier he'd ended their relationship –and in such a bad way- he'd never feel his older brother's hands again, or his lips, his body…nothing.

He stopped the slow caressing he'd been doing against the sensitive skin of his inner thighs and stretched out his legs again. Al opened his eyes and dropped his gaze to his abdomen with a tired sigh, he looked at the bruise beneath the water as he gingerly touched the edges of it.

He thought back to their spar that morning, how much they'd both enjoyed it, how natural their interaction had been, how great it'd felt…up until the point where he'd been kneed in the stomach at least.

Just thinking of the grin on Edward's handsome face and the brightness in his golden eyes dulled Alphonse's second thoughts on going back on his decision, he was determined to give the older blonde back the younger brother he needed.

It was still the right thing to do, it just felt so awful because Alphonse didn't know how he was going to just move past his feelings for Edward, he didn't think he ever would…

 _'…ugh…I love him, it's not fucking fair!'_  he slipped his arms around his midsection as the pain he felt on the inside merged with the bruise and he frowned deeply.

Taking in a deep breath when the pain passed Alphonse held it in, closed his eyes and slid down in the tub until his head was submerged.

* * *

The apartment was so unnervingly quiet as Alphonse lay awake in the middle of his double bed, it was just about dawn and beyond his curtains he could see first morning light.

He hadn't seen Edward since the previous early evening, he hadn't even heard a sound from the older blonde since, Edward had only checked on him once the day before and Alphonse had been too overwhelmed by his guilt, regret and yearning to face Ed then.

Such a coward.

Now it was a new day and he hadn't slept at all because he missed Edward lying next to him, he missed his scent and his warmth and his body and his presence…and his love.

And for hours all Alphonse had been able to think of was how could he make this transition easier on himself, he was too tired to care that he was weak, it hadn't even been 24 hours and he was craving Edward's physical and emotional presence.

He knew it probably felt so much worse because he knew he could no longer be close to Edward whereas before if he'd wanted attention he could get it, the abrupt change was killing him inside. So for hours he lay thinking of a way to help himself along.

He wouldn't take it back or change his mind, Edward deserved happiness and Alphonse wanted to give that to him, but he did start to think that maybe going cold turkey on the touch and closeness was a bit much for him to handle. When he thought about it he remembered that as brothers they'd never been adverse to being closer than normal siblings, the only thing that would be different was that the touches would have to be platonic, which he'd deal with as best as he could.

It would still be better than  **nothing**.

The fact was that he didn't need to pull himself away from Edward so suddenly and cold that it'd hurt even worse than it already did…he really hoped Edward wouldn't mind if he hung on to just the barest minimum.

Alphonse sat up slowly so as not to hurt his abdomen too much and looked around his bedroom as he moved carefully to get off the bed, he made his way to his wardrobe once he was up to look for clothes because he remembered that he had to go to work.

Okay, he didn't  _have_  to but he felt like he should, even if Edward never took any money from him, it made him feel good to be able to go and buy groceries and other home necessities, or even something for Ed every once in a while, with Cenz of his own.

And also, work sounded like a pretty good distraction depending on just how Edward acted towards him after the previous days horrible events.

So he found himself some clothes and set about getting ready for the day.

* * *

Alphonse had long since dressed, cleaned up and eaten a light breakfast when he heard Edward's bedroom door open in the hall. He'd been up so early that he had a lot of time to pass before he had to leave for his shift at the pharmacy which started at 10 a.m.

So he'd been sitting on his bed reading a book and when he heard Ed's door, he turned it over and leaned it against his bent up knees as he listened for the older blonde's movements. He heard nothing for a moment and he leaned over to open his side drawer, he took his watch out and checked the time seeing that it was just after 8 a.m.

His heart was beating a little faster from anxiety as he closed the book on his lap and put it aside, he heard what sounded like a cupboard closing and then a drawer before footfalls sounded in the hall again, going past his bedroom door. He got off the bed with a light hand on his stomach and walked toward his door but he didn't open it.

He needed to face Edward, that was inevitable but he was nervous to do so, scared to face his wrongdoings and his sibling's possible resentment. He'd cleared his head, having thought it over all morning and he'd decided that he wasn't going to cut himself off from the his older brother but he had to get past the initial point of seeing Edward for the first time since the previous day before they could move forward.

He leaned his head against the door and then his shoulder as he frowned,

"I just want us to be happy…" he let out a shaky breath and then grabbed the door handle firmly,  _'…I'm supposed to be reasonable and strong, I was never this pathetic when I was in the armor.'_  He ignored the steady burn in his stomach that he still needed to get anxiety medication for and opened the door,  _'I won't stand by while my human body lets me down, Edward gave me this body…'_

He swallowed thickly as he stepped out of the room into the quiet hall, trying not to follow that last thought with one of Edward's body…and his own body and every desirable, sexual and incestuous thought that accompanied it.

Alphonse took a few more breaths as he walked to Edward's door, he was determined to get past this obstacle of fear.

 _'I don't have to be afraid of my own brother, it's Edward and he and I have always been close, I don't need to tiptoe around him.'_  he raised his hand, fist loosely made and he hesitated to knock for a few seconds before he finally rapped his knuckles on the wood a few times.  _'But what if he's_ _ **really**_ _pissed off at me…?'_  Alphonse tensed.

Edward was practically never angry at him, not seriously anyway, he shuddered to think of what it'd be like to be on the receiving end of Ed's  **real**  anger. He wasn't afraid of violence or anything, it just hurt and scared him to think that he might be the reason for it. He'd seen Edward angry, truly angry, at very few people and it usually left those unfortunate people looking hurt, worried or regretful…sometimes in tears and sometimes in hospital.

Alphonse had already faced all of those things...except the violence that led to hospitalization.

"Come in, Alphonse." Edward's voice sounded from inside the room.

He blinked a few times and scratched his neck nervously before he opened the door and peeked in, his eyes fell on Edward who wasn't looking at him as he sprayed his automail down with what Al assumed was oil by the smell. Alphonse slowly stepped into the room as he looked over Ed where he sat on the floor at the foot of his bed…in nothing but his boxer shorts and a nicely fitting white T shirt.

The younger blonde closed the door quietly and guiltily he let his eyes trail over the visible muscle contours of Edward's flesh leg and he remembered a few occasions when they'd bathed together and he'd been able to run his hands over that taut muscle. He swallowed slowly and started to walk toward the older blonde, taking note of how loosely his soft hair was braided, how many loose long strands were free of the braid and trailing over his shoulders and the sides of his face…along with his bangs that hid his face from view.

When he reached Edward's side he leaned on the bed to lower himself down, his legs felt a little shaky, and he settled on the floor close enough to Ed so that he could smell his skin and so that his elbow could brush Edward's side…if he moved it…even though he had no intention to.

He felt stiff, awkward and worried.

When Edward glanced at him Alphonse wished he could have smiled quick enough but the look was fleeting and the older blonde went back to what he was doing. Al dropped his gaze to the movements of Edward's hand as he polished his automail in small circles and long strokes. He frowned when he noticed the red, cracked and slowly healing skin on the back of Ed's knuckles for the first time.

He didn't ask about it though, it seemed like an unnecessary question with everything going on. He drew his legs up and wrapped his arms around his knees as he watched Edward, it wasn't as rare as it used to be to see the older blonde doing basic maintenance but it still calmed him in some weird way to see it.

It was ironic that during their questing years Edward's maintenance had been twice as important and yet he'd almost never bothered yet now he tried to do up keep at least once a month, even if it was surface work. Al blinked slowly and looked at Edward's side profile, still covered by his hair,

"You haven't oiled the inside of your automail plates in over a month…" Al chose to break the silence, "…I…I could do it for you if you like, remember you let me do it a few times after I first got my body back." he offered.

It was a neutral offer, something he'd helped with before and it had been one of the activities they'd done together as brothers when Al had first been restored. He'd wanted to help Edward with his automail the way Ed had always taken care of his own armor body back then.

 _'He's always taken care of me…'_  he sighed inwardly, still smiling sadly when Edward finally looked at him.

Alphonse blinked at the older blonde, Edward was looking at him with a slightly raised eyebrow and an expression that suggested Al had lost his mind. He didn't immediately know how to respond to that look, he felt disappointed though so he sighed softly and tried to explain himself,

"I know you only let me do it because I insisted back then but I remember how to do it properly." He mumbled, hoping to reassure Edward that he knew what he was suggesting.

He waited for some sort of response but eventually Edward just looked away at his automail and started to polish again, he did so for a few seconds –Al was trying his best not to reach out and touch the older blonde's hair so he could see his face- and then Ed mumbled back,

"Yeah, sure you can do it…but not today."

It was not a 'yes' and Alphonse knew that, it was just a subtle brush off. His stomach turned lightly in upset and he kept his eyes on Edward, not willing to give up so easily,

"Okay, whenever you want, have you eaten? Can I make you breakfast?" he tried again, shifting his toes on the tiles as his eyes wandered over the naked skin of Edward's right leg.

Alphonse was miserably aware of the fact that just a day before he'd have been allowed to place his hand on Edward's thigh and slide it up…beneath the leg of his shorts…slowly up to brush his knuckles against the older blonde's…sensitive parts. He pursed his lips and looked away from Edward as he rubbed the back of his neck, his face felt warm.

"I'm not really hungry right now. I'll eat later, thanks." Edward answered flatly and Alphonse glanced at him, grateful that he wasn't being looked at because his thoughts were in all the  _wrong_  places.

"Okay." He nodded to himself, "Can I make you coffee at least?" he asked pleasantly, knowing Edward loved coffee and wasn't likely to say no.

And sure enough, Edward nodded to the offer stiffly and Alphonse felt like he'd made some progress. The older blonde was obviously upset but he wasn't angry so Al knew he could get them past this hitch with some more effort. He quickly stood up…and grimaced when pain shot through his abdomen at the movement, and then he walked across the room and let himself out.

Once he had the door closed he let out a shaky breath and took note of the warmth lingering in his face and groin, the yearning from the day before was back and he found himself wishing he could be back in the bath tub alone right then so he could get rid of the aching need.

It hadn't manifested physically yet, he was holding off a raging hard on but it was just below the surface and being close to Edward, wanting to be closer and knowing he shouldn't touch…it made him want to  _touch_  and  _kiss_  so much more.

He walked down the hall quickly, running his hands through his hair a few times irritably as he entered the kitchen and went straight over to the stove kettle to put on some water to boil. As he made the coffee, moving around the kitchen quickly and on automatic, Alphonse kept thinking of Edward and how difficult it'd be to give up the privileges of their relationship he'd spent so much time acquiring.

 _'But I wrongfully acquired them, I manipulated him into this entire thing…but then…that was in the beginning. Maybe now he doesn't feel that way about it…no no…damn it…I'm so fucking selfish.'_  He stirred the coffee and then picked the mug up and left the kitchen, tossing the spoon in the sink noisily as he passed.

 _'Edward doesn't want to be my lover, I need to stop telling myself what I want to hear.'_  He walked down the hall quickly and didn't bother to knock that time, he opened the door with his free hand and stepped in.

He stopped just inside since Edward was just there at the door, spray cans and cloths in hand, ready to leave the room. Al saw another opportunity to show the older blonde that he wanted to smooth things over so he held the coffee out and exchanged what he held with Ed's handfuls.

Alphonse left the room again quickly and returned to the kitchen, as quickly as he could he put the cans away and tossed the cloths in the bin before he went back to the room.

When he found Edward in exactly the same spot sipping his coffee Alphonse hesitated in the doorway for a second but then he steeled his will and stepped in fully, closing the door behind him and leaning against it. He didn't want Ed to think he was trapping him in and he looked for any signs on discomfort on the older blonde's face but there were none so he forced himself to relax where he stood,

"I'm going to work in an hour, but I'll be home by two since it's the Sunday shift. I just wanted to let you know and find out how you were feeling before I left?" he tried to make conversation.

Edward frowned slightly and Alphonse tried not to do the same,

"I'm fine. Are  **you**  okay, how's your stomach?"

Alphonse felt relieved by that response, Edward didn't even sound annoyed and he looked genuinely concerned which made Al feel slightly less like an awful human being and he smiled,

"I'm fine, the bruise is really ugly but it only hurts a lot if I touch it or move too strenuously. Doing counter sales and arranging the shelves at work will be a cinch so don't worry about me." he tried not to give Edward anything to worry about.

He'd taken enough pills to dull the worst of the pain and he could deal with the occasional ache, so long as he got himself something to remedy the internal burn he figured he'd be fine, he wanted to save Ed as much stress over him as possible. Edward's expression was somewhere between confused and affectionate and Alphonse looked him right in the eye…thinking of how easy it'd be to kiss the older blonde right then.

He blinked a few times to clear his head and smiled tenderly, even if his own thoughts were no good, he could read Edward and he knew the older blonde was wondering if he was really okay,

"I promise I'm okay, Edward." He said quietly, managing to tell the lie easily enough, "Do you promise you're okay?" Al asked just as quietly.

Edward responded that he was fine but Alphonse knew he was lying as well.

'Sometimes it was okay to lie to protect someone you loved', some stupid adult had told him that years ago when he'd been a young teen but he couldn't remember who it was since he'd come across so many people. He hated that people did that, he hated that Edward did it…but he was doing it himself now…so he had no right to be mad.

 _'Maybe if I'd never told him about my feelings in the first place…I could have protected him from a lot of pain.'_  He thought sadly, too little too late. He listened as Edward told him he shouldn't go to work and talked about treating the bruise and while Al liked the idea of not going out for the day –feeling like being near Edward was more important considering he wasn't spitting venom-, Al didn't want to lose his job because he wanted the Cenz.

He'd been saving up…suddenly Alphonse realized that his intended gift he'd been saving for would no longer be appropriate now that they weren't lovers anymore and his stomach felt cold. He sighed and spoke automatically,

"I don't want to lose my job, you didn't call them yesterday did you?" he forced himself not to frown, he kept his voice light even as his mood dipped.

He'd been saving up the majority of his Cenz over the last few months to take himself and Edward to a resort in Xing. He still had a few more months of saving before he could comfortably afford it but the idea had been to go to the secluded town he'd discovered during his time in the beautiful country, where nobody would know who they were and they could be –even for just a weekend- like a real couple.

But that idea was no longer a possibility and it upset him…how quickly things changed.

Edward looked apologetic, he started to apologize and Alphonse realized Ed thought he was upset,

"It's okay, really, I'd just rather go today so I can explain what happened." He explained quickly, his mind more focused on everything he'd given up than on his job after his latest realization.

He looked over the length of Edward as they stood in silence, from his sleep untidy hair and how it hung around his face half bound, right down to his bare legs, his automail was shining slightly and Alphonse could smell the oil, so strangely comforting when mixed with Ed's natural skin musk.

"You shouldn't go to work…" Edward mumbled and Alphonse thought he sounded distracted,

"Ed, come on…" he responded, feeling distracted himself, he smiled to try and ease Ed's worry about his health.

Alphonse knew the risks of an untreated bruise and he wasn't about to go and make it worse.

"Can I see the bruise?" Edward asked suddenly, voice firm and eyes clear serious.

He was asking. Alphonse hated that he asked, even before they'd become lovers Edward hadn't ever had to ask to touch him, not for any platonic and simple reason, especially not when it came to helping or nursing his wounds.

Alphonse nodded,

"Yeah sure…" he said easily, he didn't think much about it, Ed just wanted to see the bruise.

He started to pick up his shirt, the bruise was pretty bad to look at and it had spread pretty far up his sternum and downward to a few inches above his navel, it was dark purple and bluish red around the edges too. He was about to say it was worse than it looked but Edward held out his coffee mug and asked Al to take it suddenly.

Alphonse took it quickly, almost without thinking and then he took in a quick breath when Edward held up his shirt for him and next his other hand –warm from the coffee mug- gently prodded his abdomen.

Al shivered instantly, weak to the contact, a memory flashed to his mind of lying in bed while Edward peppered his stomach with soft wet kisses and teasing licks of his tongue, the thought made him flush slightly.

"Alphonse you need to ice this, have you seen it? It looks worse than it did yesterday…" Edward was saying and Al looked at him as the older blonde leaned down to look closer, "…you took pain killers right? So you're not hurting but if you don't rest there's a good chance it'll get worse and-…" his breath was warm as it ghosted over Al's abs and he closed his eyes tightly against the onslaught of feelings that came with the sensation.

"I know what could happen, I'm studying to be a doctor remember." He said quickly, hoping to get Edward to give him some space before his body reacted to the closeness.

Edward stood up straight again and went off into a concerned reprimand, his face was close and Alphonse knew he was obviously blushing as he looked at the older blonde. He expected that his feelings were written all over his face right then so he said nothing and tried to suppress a light tremble as Ed's fingers slipped over his skin softly when he removed his hand.

He took in a small shaken breath and tried to explain that he wouldn't exert himself at work but Edward gave him a look that he recognized as being final,

"No, you can't go to work, it'd be irresponsible of you and me to let you walk around injured." He stated firmly and Alphonse closed his mouth quickly as Edward stepped back, "I'll go to the pharmacy to tell them you're hurt and I'll pick up some arnica cream as well, it'll help heal the bruise…" he was saying, looking a little uncertain.

Alphonse didn't know why Ed seemed nervous but he hoped it didn't have to do with his own blushing, he didn't want to make Edward uncomfortable,

"Okay, you're right." He agreed quickly and straightened his shirt out, he knew he was still blushing.

Edward nodded and Alphonse lowered his eyes to the floor but when the older blonde apologized and said he would stay out of his way Al panicked slightly since that was the  **last**  thing he wanted.

He let go of the mug as Edward took it and walked away, Alphonse turned to look at him, wondering what he could say to let Ed know he didn't want to be left  _alone_.

The whole point of severing their sexual relationship had been to make it easier to reestablish their brotherhood, Edward 'leaving him alone' was going to be counterproductive. He watched as the older blonde moved around, he'd spent years watching Edward go through his morning routine when they'd been young teens and even after all this time it was the same.

Edward hadn't always been graceful per se, he had been untidy and somewhat wild as a teen and he still could be in his adulthood, but he'd always had a fluidity in his movements and personal space. He'd always had excellent posture, he'd always kept his head up and even though he probably didn't know it, Edward strutted.

He had a very specific walk that was a mixture between a casual sway and a steady gait that warned people out of his way, always back straight and eyes alert.

Alphonse wondered if he also had a specific walk. He smiled slightly to himself as he realized there were still things he was learning and wondering about his body. He swallowed slowly and watched as Edward pulled his jeans up, making the boxers bunch up in interesting places that Alphonse felt so immature and stupid for noticing.

 _'This ridiculous horniness is going to be around for a while, I'll have to learn to manage it.'_  He continued to watch Edward despite knowing better. It wasn't like the older blonde was giving him a show, but he certainly wasn't trying to get dressed discreetly.

"Maybe when you get back we could play chess…or something…" Alphonse said to distract himself from Ed's dressing.

"Okay, we can play chess if you want." Edward said quietly, sounding distracted again.

"And when I'm healed up, we should spar more often and also…we should go out sometimes." He said sincerely, keeping the conversation going, smiling slightly and glancing at Edward when he walked to and from the wardrobe to fetch a shirt, "We could go and watch a movie, I haven't been to a new theatre so I'd like to go, what do you think?" he said quickly, trying to get out every suggestion to let Edward know they should spend time together.

He folded his arms loosely over his chest, careful not to hurt his bruise. Al tried not to watch the older blonde dress but it wasn't easy especially since Edward pulled his shirt up over his head next and gave Alphonse an excellent view of his toned muscles and just how low the jeans he wore rode on his narrow hips,

"Yeah Al, that sounds fine." Edward mumbled after he had the clean shirt on.

 _'Fuck me…this is like silent torture.'_  Al sighed to himself and when Edward disappeared behind the wardrobe door again he closed his eyes and rubbed his hands over his face, shaking his head slightly as he tried to think of something else to say but nothing came to mind.

He gave up and raised his eyes from the tiles to continue watching Edward,

 _'What's the matter with watching him, he's not uncomfortable, he's not complaining…?'_  Al blinked slowly as Ed retied his hair into a neater ponytail, his eyes drifted over Ed's back and over his backside and again his mind flashed to a memory of a shower they'd shared a while back…

…the memory of Edward's naked back and rear was vivid in his mind almost as if he was back in that shower lathering soap over Ed's shoulders before pressing himself against the older blonde from behind.

He remembered with crystal clarity how Edward had tensed slightly when he'd pressed his arousal against him before Ed had turned around to kiss him while proceeding to give Alphonse a fucking excellent hand job.

Alphonse brushed his hand through his hair quickly and frowned slightly as he forced the pleasant thoughts out of his head before he got to the part where he returned the favor right after. He and Edward had nearly slipped and fallen in the slippery bath that time and they'd laughed about it in the moment.

Edward had been so flush…his skin had been wet, soapy and warm, his voice had been low, his smile had been slight but real and his cock had been so  **hard** …

…Al couldn't help thinking of the details in the end.

He felt the slightest tremble start in his fingers and he clenched his fists,

 _'Was he really that unhappy being like that with me, it didn't seem like it?'_  he wondered as he tightened his arms across his chest. He quickly stepped aside when Edward came toward him at the door, he was starting to get hard and he didn't want Ed to notice so he pulled the door open and let the older blonde go out first,

"I could go with you if you want." He offered distractedly and glanced down when CookieBoots slipped through his legs into the room.

Al quickly scooped him up, feeling bad for the kitten since he was obviously feeling left out and wanted attention,

"You should make a cold compress and lie down, I won't be gone long, maybe fifteen minutes." Edward spoke and Alphonse looked at him as he closed the door behind himself, grateful for the distraction of his pet from his sordid yet hot thoughts.

He followed Edward down the hall and when the older blonde walked into the bathroom Alphonse mumbled an agreement and then walked down to the lounge. He let CookieBoots jump out of his arms onto the single couch right before he ran his trembling hands over the front of his jean clad thighs when he sat down,

"Come on, get a grip…" he told himself quietly.

Alphonse knew it wouldn't be any good if he got turned on every time Edward touched him or did anything even remotely attractive but he also knew that avoiding contact or Ed in general wouldn't help either.

 _'I have to get past it, I want to be close to him as a brother, in order to achieve that I have to get past this.'_  He ruffled his hair and made a face when his midsection ached since he was leaning forward and putting pressure on it.

He sat for a while until Edward was ready to leave, after smiling and watching him leave Alphonse swallowed the random lump in his throat, forced away the need to cry and the stress building beneath along with all of his suppressed feelings and he stood up to go to the kitchen and make a cold compress.

* * *

Alphonse smirked as Edward moved the chess piece a few spaces, he raised his eyebrow and glanced at the older blonde, Ed looked dissatisfied with the move and Al guessed he was probably dissatisfied with the entire game.

Since Edward had returned from the pharmacy they'd played two games of chess, this was their second one and it was going to be over very soon. Alphonse was sitting with his legs crossed underneath him on the floor, Ed sat similarly across from him and the chess set was laid out on the coffee table between them.

Alphonse took a quick and calculated looked over the board and saw his next victory was only two moves away, he picked up his cup of hot chocolate and sipped it,

"So how's your work, Ed?" he decided to talk about something simple and impersonal.

The older blonde glanced at him as he reached back and started to pull his hair out of the band, Alphonse watched as Ed sighed and ran his hand through his hair down to the nape of his neck, some of his long blonde hair slipped forward over his shoulders and Ed didn't bother to push it out of the way,

"It's a basic job, it not very interesting." He said evenly and gestured to the board with his eyes, "Your move."

Alphonse nodded and moved a piece as he'd preplanned and then he sighed,

"I'd like to hear about it, you never talk about your job." He mumbled and leaned his arms on the coffee table and his chin on his arms, looking over Edward and feeling almost sleepy.

If he could have reached out and touched Edward's hand, his hair or even leaned across the table and gave him a kiss it might have been just perfect…but it was okay as it was too.

Edward sighed and moved another piece without much thought, Alphonse wasn't expecting much from him in the game at this point, the older blonde didn't look much bothered by his losses and was hardly paying attention,

"It's a lot of paper work, phone calls and delegating…boring." He said a bit stiffly and Al frowned slightly, figuring from Ed's tone that he wasn't interested in talking about work.

 _'He must really hate his job…'_  he felt bad about that because Ed was working a contract job for the sake of them having a steady home life.

"Don't you enjoy bossing people around?" Al tried to joke.

Edward looked like he was trying to smile but Al knew it was forced,

"You should know I like to work with you or alone, it's always been that way. I don't like excess responsibility." He sipped his hot chocolate and Alphonse smiled and moved his next piece,

"That's true, you always hated having to do anything that wasn't immediately in your job description…" he looked at Edward and the older blonde narrowed his eyes at the board, he noticed his king piece and the danger it was in, "…you're also lazy, Ed." Al mumbled teasingly, trying to keep the atmosphere light.

Edward glanced at him and moved his piece deliberately giving Alphonse a clear checkmate as he shrugged,

"I won't deny that." he pushed some of his open hair behind his ears.

Alphonse wished he could go around the table and run his fingers through it and braid it, he sighed and made the final move,

"Checkmate." He said quietly.

There was a strangely heavy silence that followed the victory, Alphonse ran his hand through his hair and glanced at Edward, he noticed Ed looked like he was going to say something but the knock on the door interrupted him and he frowned and looked to the lounge doorway,

"What's the time…?" Edward mumbled as he got to his feet.

"It's probably almost six." Alphonse knew there was no clock in the lounge so he didn't bother to look around and just watched Edward leave the room.

He heard a second knock sound but it was cut off when Edward answered the door,

"Good evening, sir. I have a telephone message for Edward Elric." One of the receptionists spoke up, Alphonse continued leaning his chin on his forearms as he stared at the few chess pieces still on the board.

There was some quiet then Edward mumbled thanks before the door closed, clicked locked and a few seconds later he walked back into the lounge with raised eyebrows as he read from a piece of paper held in his hand,

"What is it?" Al asked quietly, feeling oddly relaxed in the calm atmosphere.

Edward walked past him and sat on the sofa behind where Alphonse sat on the floor,

"It's Mustang, gotta meet him tomorrow morning at HQ…" he sighed.

Alphonse sat up and turned around, Edward was slouching on the couch and his legs were only just to the side, Al wanted to reach out…

…many possibilities flashed through his mind of where he could put his hands, his lips and what else he could do to get Edward turned on, after months of sleeping together he'd learned a few tricks.

He sighed and looked at the tiles,

"It's like old times, Roy Mustang summoning you to HQ in the mornings to report." He wasn't complaining but he knew it probably sounded like it.

"…hm, it's not really to report. He just likes to complain about work most of the time." Edward sounded thoughtful about that subject and Al glanced at him.

He didn't really have any notable expression so Alphonse couldn't guess what he was thinking about,

"We should eat supper, do you feel like stew?" he asked with a knowing smile.

That time when Edward looked at him and smiled it was small but sincere,

"That sounds great, Alphonse."

Alphonse sighed forlornly on the inside but he smiled at Edward happily.

* * *

Al felt warm and he thought it was odd because sleeping in his double bed alone wasn't warm, it wasn't even as comfortable as a new bed should feel, it was cold and lonely and too spacious.

But he felt so warm…and interestingly tingly.

He exhaled softly and frowned, he attempted to roll onto his back but he was already on his back…apparently,

"Alphonse." it was Edward's voice.

"Edward?" he heard himself say as he opened his eyes, but it felt like they were still closed.

He felt his heart start to race when warm hands touched his knees, he looked down along his body and he could see all of a sudden, Edward was kneeling at his legs and his hands were on Al's knees…gently he started to push Al's legs apart.

 _'My legs are bare? Wait, I was wearing long pants when I went to sleep…'_  he frowned again as he realized his skin felt bare against the sheets and it felt soft and smooth, his heart kept beating rapidly and he licked his lips as he looked around again. It was dark in his room but he could see Edward clearly as the older blonde pushed his legs apart just enough for him to crawl up so he was hovering over Alphonse.

All questions flew out of his mind when Edward smirked down at him and Alphonse glanced between them, confirming for himself that the older blonde was naked as well.

Before he knew it Edward was kissing him and their bodies were pressed together, Alphonse could feel Edward's skin, hot and smooth against his own, he kissed back deeply and dug his nails into Edward's back.

"What do you want me to do to you Alphonse…?" Edward breathed against his mouth as he kissed there once and started a trail downwards, slow and wet and even just a little messy over Al's chin and down to his adam's apple where Edward sucked and nipped, "… **anything** , just tell me, just say it, I'll do it to you." he said low and husky in a voice that made Al shiver and exhale sharply as he looked down to watch Ed kiss over his chest.

Those words…he loved hearing them. It set him trembling effortlessly.

When Edward clamped a nipple between his teeth, grinned and looked up at him while pushing his legs wider apart roughly…Alphonse's mouth fell open and he breathed out a half moan and clutched Edward's shoulders.

His body was heating up very fast…too fast, he felt like he might burn up…and Edward kept going…lower…

"Yes…please, anything…" Alphonse breathed as Edward's wet kisses moved lower still and his tongue dipped and flicked over and inside Al's shallow navel making him arch up slightly, only to find his hips were pinned to the bed by Edward's strong hands,

"Ah ah ah…don't be so eager, you wouldn't want it over with too quickly…would you?" His voice was low and teasing and sexy and Alphonse shook his head quickly,

"No…no I…" he frowned, "…wait, what are you talking ab-ah oh shit…Edward!" he gasped and felt his face turn a bright red as Edward sucked slowly once over the head of his erection.

He felt his insides quiver with desire and he tried to thrust upward, his hand going to grip Ed's open hair as he moaned…Edward had  **never**  gone down on him before!

He wanted to know that feeling, he'd never received oral in his lifetime…but he was disappointed, even as Edward's hand wrapped around the base of his erection stroking tightly and slow as he continued to suck up and down Al's arousal…but…Alphonse couldn't  **really** feel it.

He knew he felt good but the sensation was…it was…

' _...it's not real…this is a dream…'_

And the minute he realized it and clutched the soft, smooth warm sheets in his hands –not skin- and realized the stickiness of something pressed against his skin was his long pants clinging to his damp quivering thighs…Alphonse let out a quiet sob and opened his eyes.

He closed them quickly again and closed his legs, they were wide open underneath his sheet and he was fully clothed, he was painfully aroused and intensely hot, shivering with unspent desire and his insides shook with pain…not pleasure.

He curled into himself, rolling onto his side and wrapping his arms around his aching midsection as he gave into his silent sobs and pressed his face into his pillow. Reality hurt, wanting more than Edward had ever given was bad enough and now not being able to get anything at all... **hurt**  so much more.

He could ask himself a million times  _why_  he'd severed the relationship he'd gone through so much –lies, deceit and cruelty- to forge but no matter how much he wanted it, the end could  **not** justify the means he used to get there.

He could not change his choices from being anything more than vile and wrong where Edward was concerned, he no longer even believed his own lies that it was okay...

So he cried as his insides quailed and his pillow started to turn cold from his tears resting in the cotton too long…and eventually he realized sleep would evade him for the remainder of the night…

He opened his wet eyes again and his exhausted mind registered the brightness in the room, he rolled over away from facing the wall and looked to his window,

 _'Day…'_  he corrected himself as he sat up and wiped the tear streaks from his warm cheeks.

He was still sporting an erection and still shaking lightly from the vivid yet incomplete dream of things he wanted from Edward and had never experienced. That voice, that cockiness, that sexy grin and that heated, rough touch…he knew Ed had it in him but he'd never seen more than a glimpse of it…

…and Edward had most certainly never even attempted to perform oral on him, not in any way.

He shivered again just considering Edward's mouth being in his most private places, many times he'd considering  _asking_  the older blonde to go down on him, to let him feel what it was like, but after Ed's bad reaction to even a suggestion of changing their sexual position to anything other than missionary, Al had abandoned the idea.

Edward wasn't a prude, he knew, but his older brother had no desire to do anything kinky, naughty or 'dirty' with him. So it was always missionary position and always slow, attentive, he always asked if Al was okay and always made sure he kissed him as much as he could and stroked his hair…sweet and loving…

…Alphonse dreamed of what he desired, Edward taking control, teasing him with words and suggestion of what he  **could**  do to Al's willing body. Alphonse dreamed of being able to lay back and let Edward have his way…

"And now I have nothing and I won't ever have it again." He told himself quietly in a dry throat rasp, he felt bitter as he frowned and grabbed his hair with both hands tightly, feeling his head ache at the tension of his grip on the soft blonde strands.

He didn't let go though, he just grit his teeth while tears slipped over his face and he tried to get a grip on his feelings, his paining stomach and his shaking legs…he could swear he still felt Edward between them.

After five minutes and no success getting a grip Alphonse growled quietly, making his throat ache before he kicked his sheets off himself almost violently and he rushed off the bed and out of his bedroom.

He hurried into the bathroom and locked the door with shaking hands before he walked shakily to the bath tub and got on his knees beside it. He sniffed as he pushed the curtain back noisily and leaned on the tub with one arm while he opened the taps with his free hand, he sniffed again as he dropped the plug into the tub and adjusted his position to press it into the drain hole.

Once he adjusted the hot and cold water he leaned his head on his arm on the rim and continued to cry quietly, his tears no longer flowed freely but he was still shaking and his stomach still ached.

He sat in the noise of the running water as his bruised stomach ached from his sudden exertion, he allowed himself to be oblivious to all else until he felt water around the fingers of his one hand still hanging over the tub.

He raised his head and sniffed again as he moved the same hand to turn the taps off, the tub was very full and the water was hot, Al's cheeks felt warmer from the steam in the bathroom but he didn't bother with checking the temperature as he sat back on his heels and pulled his shirt up over his head.

Alphonse got to his feet with the support of the tub and pushed his pants and boxer briefs off his cold damp thighs hastily, leaving them in a pile on the tiles as he stepped into the tub.

The water burned him slightly but he sat down anyway and hugged his knees to himself, resting his chin on them while he tried to ignore his slowly waning erection pressed against his joined thighs and stomach.

In his mind the image of Edward's firm stomach pressed against his own, trapping his erection between them flashed into his mind and he groaned and put his legs flat quickly.

He felt like he was falling into some sort of sexual depression, now that he could no longer have Edward he was reverting back to the state of mind from the first weeks of dealing with his incestuous feelings, when he couldn't have Ed then either.

"Fuck…" he cussed softly in the quiet bathroom, he sniffed again and laid back slowly as he took his erection in his hand and went to work slowly stroking himself, his eyes clenched shut…and Edward easily came to mind.

Lean, naked and perfectly muscled.

Al clenched his jaw as he moved his hand faster over his throbbing need, it was nothing fancy, nothing sensual…just friction and the mental fantasy of Edward flipping him onto his stomach and fucking him from behind roughly. It was a familiar fantasy that varied only slightly in location but never content, sometimes it'd be up against a wall, over the kitchen table, on the lounge sofa and one time it was in a fitting stall in a public clothes store.

Alphonse's fantasy was always that Edward would want him so bad he'd go for it anywhere.

He ignored the slight splashing of the water his vigorous hand movements made as he rushed to finish himself off with another also repeated fantasy in mind of Edward sucking him off. He didn't know the feeling but the mental image was enough to push him over the edge and quickly with a shuddering inhale he was cumming, thick spurts of semen that barely made it out of the deep tub water before it settled on the surface.

Alphonse didn't look at it, he kept his eyes closed and his head leaned back and removed his hand as if it were offensive to touch himself. He felt pathetic and desperate all over again, lost and uncertain of what to do with all of his feelings starting to conflict with one another. The good and the bad intentions, the selfish wants against the knowledge of what was right and wrong…all making him crazy.

Life felt much emptier for him than it had just a few days before.

He opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling, frowning as he wondered just how many times he'd find himself jerking off in the bathroom over the next few months. As he lay there, contemplating how miserable his life was going to get…Alphonse's thoughts drifted from his sexual needs for his brother to the idea of a healthy relationship…and almost involuntarily, Elizabeth popped into his head.

Her green eyes, pale skin, long soft hair and thin attractive body.

He swallowed sorely and sat up quickly in the water, glancing over his mess floating before him with an expression of mild self-disgust before he leaned forward and pulled the plug out to let the water drain. He got to his still orgasm shaky legs and switched the tap settings to shower before he started the water running and put his head straight under the spray with a shaky sigh.

 _'How fucking selfish would I be to use Elizabeth as an outlet for my sexual frustration? It's not as if she'd make this emptiness go away anyway, the best I could hope for is a friction and warm body induced orgasm every once in a while. She's not who I want…I mean, I like her…but I'm not attracted to her…'_  he pulled his head out of the spray and wiped a hand over his face to clear the water before he opened his eyes slowly,  _'…then again, I haven't looked at her like that. Maybe...I mean…Edward did suggest a_ _ **healthy**_ _relationship for both of us and I am trying to do what's right by him…would that be right, forcing myself to be with someone else so he feels like he can move on too?'_  his stomach turned at the idea of Edward getting together with anyone.

Especially Winry.

He knew he was only considering Elizabeth like  **that**  because of what he'd discovered about her feelings for him recently, before knowing she liked him romantically he'd have never even put himself and Elizabeth in the same thought region of sex. But now…now he had to consider his 'healthy' options.

But he didn't want to…and the knots quickly becoming more severely painful in his gut was proving just that, the idea of Ed and Winry…or Ed and any girl…or guy…struck him at the core as painfully as being kneed in the solar plexus a hundred times over.

Alphonse ran his shaking hands through his dripping wet hair as the water ran down his front steadily, he shook his head and cleared all of the complicated and hurtful thoughts from his mind,

"It's not like I even know if I can anymore…I don't even know if I'm gay now or just bisexual…" he sighed heavily, having not had a sexual thought about a woman even once since discovering his feelings for Ed, he didn't know if he'd still have a physical reaction to one. He reached for the bath gel as the last of the bath water swirled down the drain and the pain of his contusion started to announce itself over the already permeating pain of his insides.

Alphonse blinked a few tears from his eyes as he started to wash his sore skin…

* * *

Edward wasn't home.

Alphonse wasn't surprised, he'd woken up at 11 am so expecting Edward to be there when he'd had a morning meeting was a bit silly.

Alphonse was sitting on his desk chair in his bedroom, he had it pulled up near the window and he was staring across the street to the opposite boring brick building and occasionally down into the street that ran along the side of the building, like almost all streets in Central, it was a main street and was busy with traffic and pedestrians.

He was leaning his arm on the back of the chair and leaning his head against his hand, dressed in a comfortable jeans and T shirt, hoping to relax at least marginally while he tried  _not_  to think of how he'd fucked up everything. He focused instead on the fact that he'd have to go to university the next day, having skipped two days already, he'd have to catch up and he hoped  _not_  to have to deal with too many questions from Elizabeth about his absence.

He was just thinking that maybe he should go downstairs and call her, be preemptive and make up some excuse about why he wasn't at university and act as though he was just fine and then tomorrow would go smoothly, then he heard the main door of the apartment open.

He felt his heart start to beat faster and his stomach did a pleasant little flip, he'd missed Edward in the weirdest way the last couple of hours. Every part of him just wanted some sort of closeness with his older sibling after the horrible morning he'd had and even though he doubted it was the best course of action in his current emotionally regressing state, he still went ahead and got up.

Alphonse walked to his door and left his room quickly, when he stepped into the hall his eyes fell on Edward who had just started walking into the hall too, he was frowning and looking annoyed but his expression softened into a questioning frown when he spotted Al.

Alphonse took a few quick steps toward Edward, his intentions unclear even to himself at first so he hesitated, torn between whether to kiss the older blonde or just touch his arm or his face.

Then he asked himself quickly,  _'What would I have done as his brother?'_  and before he knew it he'd decided.

"Al, whats wro-…" Alphonse stepped forward quickly and enclosed Edward in a hug, he felt nervous at first but the minute he could smell Ed's skin he tightened his hold on Ed and pressed himself against the older blonde.

Edward didn't even tense and not a second later Alphonse felt himself embraced firmly by his older brother.

He melted into the contact once he realized it was okay and he pressed his face into Ed's neck, his lips were against the skin but he made no move to kiss the familiar area. He closed his eyes and focused on Edward's steady warm breath against his shoulder and the feeling of his body pressed so close –too close for brothers- against his front.

Was it wrong? It probably was…to hug so closely…but Edward wasn't pushing him away…so…maybe this was okay…

He held onto Edward in silence for a long time, not interested in the dull pain that having Ed's firm torso pressed against his wounded midsection caused, he just didn't want to let go.

Then Edward asked what was wrong and in his mind he screamed that it was  **everything**  and that he wanted to take it all back…

_'…and please kiss me…'_

Alphonse realized he was squeezing Edward tighter and so he finally loosened up his grip and swallowed his weak words as he pulled back…but not completely. Edward held him, didn't push him away so he stayed close a while longer and let his hands stroke the sides of the older blonde's face gently, while he looked over the handsome face he loved so dearly. Golden eyes looked at him with concern and expectance and Al sighed softly,

"Nothing's wrong, I just felt like hugging you…is that okay, Ed?" he asked, he hadn't asked permission in so long.

He was slipping.

The dream from that morning passed through his mind of Edward telling him to just ask for what he wanted and he felt himself pale just slightly but he still didn't let go, Ed felt like his anchor, Ed felt safe and real and there was so much love and  _understanding_  in his beautiful eyes.

 _'I'm so lucky to have him.'_  Al thought to himself wistfully.

Edward's concern slowly melted into a smile and his hands shifted ever so slightly along Al's sides and he suppressed a shiver and smiled back just slightly,

"Of course it's okay, Al." Ed said quietly.

The words dissolved some of Alphonse's internal agony and despite him knowing he shouldn't he caressed Edward's face and leaned in ever so slightly, he saw no hint of resistance and he just  _knew_  that if he kissed his older brother right then…he would not be rejected.

He was reminded again of Edward's endless sacrifices to make him happy and his resolve strengthened for the first time in hours so he pulled back slowly and gently and broke the physical contact…Edward did as well.

Al stuck his hands into his back jeans pockets to hide the shaking from Edward and he smiled his best fake smile to appease his brother's slowly concerned expression in its return,

"It's almost lunch time, I'll make us something to eat…how did your meeting with the General go?" he asked as lightly as he could and turned away to head to the kitchen.

His smile fell away as soon as Edward couldn't see him and he walked into the kitchen, he glanced at CookieBoots –who was on top of the fridge and looking sleepy- and he pulled the door of the large appliance open and started to scan its contents for an idea of what to make for lunch.

His insides were cramping from the constant tension and he felt a little light headed since he hadn't eaten breakfast that morning and it was almost lunch time.

"Alphonse," he heard Edward say and he turned to the doorway, belatedly he forced himself to stop frowning, "why don't we go out for lunch...we haven't had pizza in a while." Ed stood in the kitchen doorway.

Alphonse registered the words and he smiled genuinely at Edward in that moment…because the older blonde was  _trying_ …

A part of him hated that Edward was going along with the end of their relationship so quickly, he hadn't even put up a fight, but Alphonse should never have expected him to, so he cleared the idea from his head and he nodded,

"That sounds…really nice Ed."

He was about to say something else as Edward smiled back and nodded but he couldn't keep a grimace off his face as his insides reminded him that he was stressed out and he needed to get something for the anxiety.

"Al?" Edward walked over quickly and he leaned Alphonse back against the fridge gently.

The image of Edward pressing his back to a wall and then pressing up against him jarred Al's sensitive insides and he nearly doubled over from the pain,

"Alphonse, did you put any ice on the bruise today, did you take some pain killers?" Ed was holding his shoulders and his voice was filled with worry, Al leaned his forehead on the older blonde's shoulder and breathed deeply,

"I took p-pain killers… and a hot bath this morning…" he spoke slowly, "…I'll be okay, ca-…"

"You're not okay! I'll go out and get pizza, you stay here and lie do-…"

"No, please…" Alphonse stopped holding his midsection and he grabbed Edward's forearms lightly, picking his head up to look at Ed, "I really want to go out somewhere with you, let's just go out and get some fresh air…and relax and eat…" he spoke softly as he looked into Edward's frowning face.

A strange silence fell between them and Edward looked oddly conflicted for a moment before he haltingly leaned closer and pressed a very light kiss to Al's cheek as his hand came to the nape of Al's neck, bringing the younger blonde forward again so his chin rested on Ed's shoulder.

Alphonse raised his arms around Ed's torso comfortably and once again he let himself be held and he smiled slightly as his cheek tingled against Ed's welcoming warmth,

"I'm worried about you Alphonse…a-about what… **this**  is doing to you." He whispered against Al's hair and his smile slipped away, Edward was bringing  _it_  up.

Their attempt at being just brothers again, Ed was talking about it indirectly.

Alphonse could have said so many things, one of them being the start of begging for Edward to let him take it all back…

_'…and please please kiss me and tell me you don't resent me for wanting you…'_

But he just squeezed Edward tighter and leaned into him as they continued to hold each other–and it felt so right to Alphonse-,

"I just want to spend time with you, as much as we can. Let's go to lunch please…?" he whispered back quietly and felt pleasantly safe as Edward's fingers stroked the hair at the back of his neck.

 _'He used to do that to me when we laid together in bed…'_  he clenched his teeth against the painful longing in his gut.

"Okay, the pizza place is only two blocks down but we're getting it to go and we'll bring it home…" Ed mumbled, he seemed very comfortable so close and Alphonse couldn't help frown and wonder if Edward missed holding him.

"No, please let's eat out and…and we can go to the drug store so I can get some…more pain killers." He lied at the end, not wanting to tell Ed he needed anti-anxiety meds.

Edward sighed shakily and pulled back, still stroking Al's hair softly as he regarded Alphonse and in turn Al looked at him affectionately,

"Okay, if you  _really_  want to eat out…but we'll walk slowly and take it easy…and promise me if you're in too much pain you'll tell me." he said seriously.

Alphonse smiled at the brotherly tone, it had become quite foreign to him over the last few months,

"Yes…" he'd been tempted to say brother, but he felt like it was still too soon, "…Edward, I promise I'll tell you, okay." He nodded and let his hands slide down Edward's back.

Edward nodded slowly and Alphonse was pleasantly surprised when Ed reached back and brought Al's hands into his own, holding them between them as they stood. He thought Edward would say something really serious because he looked to be in deep thought for a quiet minute as he stared at their hands.

But then he raised his eyes and smiled slightly,

"…no pizza with pineapples okay, you know I can't eat that weird shit." He said softly but Al recognized the underlying gentleness and affection in his tone, Edward was trying to joke.

Al nodded,

"And nothing with pepperonis either, because-…"

"It's too salty and rubbery to chew," Ed smirked and squeezed Al's hands, the younger blonde's chest warmed and his pain eased at the gesture, "I know, let's go get some grub, Al."

Al nodded and as they turned to leave the kitchen, Edward ruffled his hair and Alphonse tried not to laugh as he quickly neatened his hair again and glared halfheartedly at his older brother…

…Edward's grin was so real and so brotherly that despite feeling the tug at his guts, Alphonse felt weightless for just a moment with that smile directed at him.

* * *

Alphonse had to keep himself from bursting out in laughter as he watched Edward scarf down the last few bites of his eighth and final slice of pizza. Al had two pieces left himself on his plate and he'd given up trying to beat Edward in finishing off the food, if there was one thing Ed always won at it was eating contests between them.

He placed his half eaten slice down and swallowed around a crooked smile as Edward swallowed and grinned –with a pizza saucy mess on his face- at his victory. Alphonse raised his hands and conceded,

"You win Ed, you always win at this but I wasn't **too**  far behind…" he gestured to his two and a half slices left, he imagined his own face wasn't free from pizza sauce smears.

They hadn't done this sort of thing in years and Alphonse hadn't been able to resist after Edward had started off their meal by finishing his first large slice in three impressive bites, eyeing him pointedly as if to say 'beat that little brother'. It was childish…but he'd be damned if he hadn't eaten his own first piece in three bites as well and then the race was on.

"Hm…I'll say you did pretty good considering you're not well right now." Edward picked up his glass of cola and gulped from it, apparently not at all interested in the mess around his mouth while Alphonse had picked up a napkin and was cleaning his face off discreetly.

They were in public after all and quite a few people had been watching them, some with amused smiles and others with wide eyed disapproving looks and glances.

Of course, Alphonse had to admit he didn't really care as much as he usually would, when dining with Edward, you sort of got used to it since Ed very rarely bothered to eat as social etiquette suggested he should.

Alphonse half rolled his eyes and smiled once he had the tomato and cheese off his face,

"Don't make excuses for me, what does my injury have to do with my ability to eat?" He asked with a shake of his head. Edward smiled slightly at him and placed his now empty glass down beside his equally empty pizza plate,

"I meant what's going on inside Al…" he said honestly and softly.

Alphonse blinked,

"…inside?" he tried to play dumb.

"I know what it feels like," Edward said quietly and reached across the table for Alphonse's half-finished glass of soda, "when it hurts like that and you're nauseous all the time." his smile was small and understanding but his words were vague. Still Al knew Ed was aware of the pain he was experiencing and he no longer had to hide it, which made him feel just a tad better.

He'd put Edward through that same pain after all, so why wouldn't Ed understand?

Alphonse watched as Edward easily finished his own soda and he glanced around to catch the eye of the waitress to order two more glasses, Ed was obviously thirsty after that pig out. He wondered for a moment if the older blonde would be sick with indigestion later on and once he waved the waitress over he turned back to Ed,

"When we stop at the drug store we should get you something for digestion, as fast as you ate that pizza it's gonna catch up with you later." He said with a sincerely worried frown.

Edward nodded and finally reached for a serviette to clean his face off, Alphonse tried not to laugh at his older sibling as he picked up Ed's empty pizza plate and put his own on top of it –deciding he was full- he neatened up the table idly putting everything in the middle.

"Yeah, that's not a bad idea." Edward agreed after he was done wiping his face, "You should take something too."

Al nodded,

"I will…" he trailed off and smiled at the waitress as she reached the table, "…hi, two colas please."

She nodded and walked away quickly and Alphonse licked his lips, tasting the traces of pizza as he did so, before he looked back to Edward, the older blonde was running his hand over his ponytail…and then he reached for his wallet in his back pocket.

"Edward, let me pay." Alphonse said quickly, starting to reach for his own wallet but Edward gave him a look,

"No, I know you like working and whatever for your Cenz but if you take your wallet out I'll punch you." Ed said with raised eyebrows and a half smile as he opened his black leather wallet.

Alphonse knew the threat was empty but he also knew the point was made and he settled down again, giving up on even arguing,

"You're impossibly stubborn sometimes you know that." he complained lackadaisically, part of him would always love the warm feeling it gave him for Ed to take care of him emotionally and financially but the adult part of him didn't want to be such a burden, even if the older blonde always got upset when Al referred to himself as such.

Edward flashed him a cheeky grin and pulled out a few notes just as the waitress placed fresh glasses and cola cans on the table and then proceeded to gather up all of the dishes to take away. Alphonse watched as Ed handed her the Cenz, not bothering with a bill since he'd over paid and told her to keep the change.

Edward was hopeless at socializing most of the time but he knew how to not be a jerk when it counted. The girl smiled at the sizeable tip and thanked them before she walked off with the dishes and Cenz.

Alphonse smiled when Edward looked at him, they hadn't been out and so relaxed in a long time, it almost felt as though all their problems didn't exist right then,

"You gonna go to uni tomorrow?" Edward asked as he sipped his fresh cola straight from the can, making small talk that Al had found it impossible to get him to do just the day before.

Al nodded and picked up his own soda, he popped the can open with a hiss,

"Yeah, the two days of classes I missed won't be so much to catch up on." He admitted and leaned his elbow on the table between them as he sipped and he glanced around the busy pizza place.

"Elizabeth is in your classes right? She'd probably have notes of whatever you missed." Al heard no accusation in Ed's voice but somehow he felt awkward about the mention of her from Ed.

It was because of the revelation that she liked him, Alphonse felt guilty because he'd thought it wrong to encourage her previously…but now with the change in his and Ed's relationship, he hadn't figured out yet if he should pursue something with her.

"She's in _some_  of my classes, we're not studying exactly the same field so only our basic medical classes are the same, our specialty classes are different." Al took another gulp of the cold soda, feeling the start of anxiety swell in his stomach, talking about this wasn't a good idea with his erratic emotions playing havoc with him.

Edward nodded,

"What kind of doctor is she studying to be?" the older blonde asked casually as he glanced around.

Alphonse pursed his lips and swallowed his latest gulp slowly as he stared at his older brother, Edward was asking about Elizabeth…showing an interest!

 _'That's not a good sign, he's taking her presence in my life seriously…that means he thinks…that me and her are…'_  he didn't know exactly how to feel about that. Here he was wondering what was best for him to do about her and yet Edward seemed to already be  **assuming**  Elizabeth was more important to Al personally than he let on.

The only reason Edward would start to give a shit about someone Al knew was when he expected they meant something him, something more than just a simple buddy.

"Al?" Edward frowned at him.

Alphonse blinked out of his confused thoughts and raised his eyebrows,

"She's uh, studying to be a vascular surgeon." He said with a shrug at his older brother.

Edward raised an eyebrow,

"Vascular…like surgery on arteries?" he didn't sound impressed or interested, just conversational.

"Yeah, it's pretty detailed surgical procedures." He said with a worried frown, not realizing Edward wouldn't understand his concern.

"Yeah, so?" Edward asked just before he finished his cola.

Alphonse raised his can to do likewise,

"Elizabeth is uh…well, she's  **extremely**  clumsy." He decided to admit to his older brother, since Edward was asking about her. He finished his soda as Edward smirked,

"Clumsy, like just unsteady hands or clumsy like she'd kill someone on the operating table by accident?" he asked amused.

Alphonse nearly choked at his brother's callous words, he placed the empty can down and swallowed quickly,

"Edward, how can you say that so casually when it could happen? She is really clumsy, I've even considered suggesting to her that she should get checked up. She might have an inner ear problem or some sort of nerve damage…" he admitted with a sigh and shook his head.

Edward's smiled faded,

"That serious, huh?"

Al half shrugged and shook his head again,

"She walks into doors Ed and sometimes when she stands up, just normally, she almost falls over and when I ask her if she feels dizzy or lightheaded she always says no. But I don't believe her, I think she needs to see a doctor…" he trailed off, he did genuinely worry over Elizabeth.

But sometimes she seemed just fine and he'd feel like he was just being paranoid.

"Well Al…" Edward said evenly and moved to stand up, "…you should probably convince her to see a doctor then if you're really worried it might be serious, but I wouldn't worry about her becoming a surgeon with those circumstances. She'll be forced to have herself checked up before she starts her residency because if she doesn't they'll never give her a medical license in the end." Edward said honestly.

His bland tone would probably offend Elizabeth, Al imagined, Edward sounded like he didn't give a shit whether she had a medical condition or not and Al knew that for the most part the older blonde probably didn't.

Edward would feel bad for her on a human level but since it wasn't a debilitating disease or a terminal one, Edward wasn't inclined to give a shit, and as far as caring about how that would affect her medical prospects he would give even less of a shit.

Al knew him so well.

If it wouldn't kill you, Edward didn't think it was serious. Unless it was to do with Alphonse.

He couldn't help smile thinking of how even something as small as a paper cut would prompt Edward to run out and buy plasters, it was sometimes silly how overindulged he was by his older sibling. But he loved it…most of the time…

"Why're you smiling?" Edward asked with narrowed eyes but he was smiling too, standing and waiting for Al to get up. The younger blonde belatedly got up from the seat and shrugged,

"Just thinking." He admitted.

They started walking toward the exit,

"About what?" Ed's tone seemed a little softer.

Al continued to smile,

"About…you, actually."

Edward frowned,

"Something I said was funny?" he accused mildly as they walked out of the busy eatery into the warm spring weather and the sun shining brightly over Central.

Alphonse laughed softly and shook his head, sticking his hands half way into his jeans pockets as they started walking down the street in the direction of the drug store,

"No, I just realized you're right is all…if Elizabeth can't practice medicine I know you'd probably just tell her to keep moving forward, because she wouldn't be dead, right?" he raised an eyebrow at the older blonde.

Edward seemed confused by the serious thought behind Al's smile but he shrugged and nodded,

"Yeah, and it'd be true, there are many things in life far worse than having to change your career path because you can't walk in a straight line." He mumbled, looking lazy all of a sudden.

Alphonse laughed and shook his head,

"I did not say she can't walk in a straight line." He knew Ed was exaggerating but it was still funny, though insulting as well to his friend who wasn't there to defend herself.

"You said she walks into doors Al, if she can't walk straight  **past**  an open door then she can't walk straight." Ed cracked a smirk and Al started to laugh again, finding Edward's reasoning amusing and somewhat true.

Eventually Edward chuckled along with him and it was such a sweet sound that Alphonse found himself wanting to hear it way more often.

They hardly laughed together anymore.

For all the things that were hard about his decision, some things –like Ed's laughter and smile- made it seem worth it.

* * *

The walk to the pharmacy actually felt pretty good after stuffing the pizza down his throat in less than 3 minutes, the pain in his stomach had eased and the pain killers he'd taken before leaving the apartment earlier were still working so the bruise wasn't hurting too badly.

As they walked he and Edward were talking about their questing days, remembering some of the more amusing experiences they'd had and the strange people they'd encountered in the smaller towns. The older blonde found it amusing how the smaller towns –not unlike Risembool- always had the weirdest characters in abundance.

Alphonse found that despite saying that Ed shouldn't laugh at people just because they had weird personalities, he rather agreed, having met people who sometimes left him in stitches of laughter by their antics or worried for their mental health, he couldn't say Ed was wrong.

The bell of the door to the pharmacy dinged twice loudly as they walked into the familiar pharmacy, Alphonse caught the eye of the person on shift behind the sales counter and smiled as he greeted him with a small wave.

Edward suggested he go and say hi 'or whatever' and he'd get the medication they needed from the counter in the back. Alphonse watched him walk down along one of the aisles before Al walked over to the guy not much older than him who worked alternating shifts with him on weekends.

"What are you doing here on a Monday?" he asked as he reached the counter, habitually he neatened one of the boxes of throat lozenges displayed on the counter top.

The dark brown haired male leaned on the counter and gave him a pointed look,

" _Someone_  skipped out on their early shift this weekend, the very same shift that _someone_  swopped out with me for…" Alphonse knew his face expressed his guilt as he remembered what his work colleague was talking about,

"Oh man, I'm sorry Ricky. I completely forgot but I couldn't have been here even if I'd remembered." He admitted, aside from Edward saying no, he had been hurting quite badly and being up and about and working would have been no good.

Ricky shrugged and smiled lazily,

"Eh, it's not a big deal, I didn't have to come in but because Jeanette worked both shifts for us the whole weekend, she gets  _all_ week off, so I'm working her alternating shifts with that other guy…whose name I can never remember."

Alphonse was feeling bad for Jeanette having worked but when Ricky said the last bit he snickered,

"That's because we can't pronounce it, it has like four 'R's and three 'Z's in it." Al shook his head.

"Foreigners." Ricky rolled his eyes.

"Hey, don't say that, it took years for Amestris to align themselves with Xing in traveling, business, import and social respects." He scolded with a shake of his head and glanced around, he couldn't see Ed way in the back since the drug store was very large.

"I forget you're such a weird guy, Al." the brunette raised his eyebrows, "Why do you care about that stuff? Be young and be irresponsible once in a while." He grinned.

Alphonse didn't say anything as he rolled his eyes as well with a smile, he often kept his last name from people and Ricky was no exception. People didn't need to know that he and Edward –his already famous brother- were directly responsible for peace between Xing and Amestris or that they knew the Emperor personally. The bell dinged as a customer walked in and over to the counter so Al waved to Ricky and moved into one of the aisles at a slow browsing pace.

He found himself in the toiletries aisle so he grabbed a bottle of his favorite mint bath gel off the shelf as he walked, he reached the shampoo and conditioner and paused to look through the options. He raised his eyebrows at a fruity option and he wondered how Ed would feel about smelling like peaches and cream.

 _'I'd like him to smell like peaches and cream.'_  His mind provided and he forced himself not to blush as he grabbed the fruity creamy shampoo and its partnered conditioner. He moved on down the aisle as he tucked the three bottles in his arm against his side, grimacing as he adjusted it so it didn't hurt his stomach.

He was just thinking about getting a basket when he came to the 'family planning and personal products' section of the aisle. Alphonse walked by the lady products and then stopped; he trailed his eyes over the various colorful condom boxes hanging on the clip strip hooks and down to the lower racks packed with gels, lubricants and massage oils for hims and hers.

His eyes fell on the familiar lubricant he usually bought for himself and Edward, so expensive because of its many features, including water resistance,

 _'Yet we never had sex in water even once.'_  He sighed and reached for a tube he didn't recognize out of curiosity, it was probably a new product.

He raised his eyebrows as he read the label,

 _'Warms to the skin in 15 seconds, six different fragrances and flavors, thin consistency…hydrates skin…'_  he would have laughed at how fancy it was if it wasn't for someone popping up next to him.

"You're some kind of sex fiend aren't you?" Ricky said with a grin as Alphonse nearly dropped the lubricant, "…you must lead some double life. You just bought  **two** bottles of that stuff like three weeks ago, Al." he reminded.

Alphonse's face was a very deep shade of red as he clutched the lube and glared at his colleague,

"It was over a  **month**  ago…" he said quietly, "…andanyway I'm not buying, I'm just looking."

Ricky smirked and lowered his tone,

"You liar, you want to buy that. It's pretty interesting, it makes you tingle and has a thin consistency for maximum friction while not being any less effective for lubrication." he pointed out like a good store assistant while wearing a shit eating grin.

Alphonse wanted to punch him in his face,

"I do not want to buy this, shut up." He lied with a heavy blush, yes he wanted to buy it but there was no point to purchasing it anyway.

Ricky chuckled and Alphonse turned to put the lube back on the shelf when something –someone- moved in his peripheral on the opposite side,

"Hello Alphonse, dear."

His heart skipped a beat at the familiar voice and he changed his mind about putting the tube down, he tried not to be too obvious as he quickly shoved his hand –holding the lube- behind his back. He struggled to find his voice as he smiled at Gracia Hughes brightly when he turned to face her, heart racing, face red and Ricky no doubt grinning behind him.

"Mrs. Hughes!" he said a little too high pitched and she frowned slightly around her friendly smile, he knew he looked ridiculously guilty, standing in front of a decorated wall of condoms and blushing.

To make it worse she glanced at the shelf and a slight blush touched her cheeks as well but she shook her head,

"I didn't mean to embarrass you, Alphonse." she said quietly with an odd little smile, "You're a young man, there's nothing to be uncomfortable about." She gestured to the condoms subtly and Alphonse wanted the ground to swallow him up immediately.

The array to make it happen even came to mind.

Gracia's presence made him feel weird as it was since the last time he'd seen her he'd stolen erectile dysfunction pills from this sweet motherly figure –and she'd probably noticed them missing after all this time- and now he was seeing her while he stood right beside the condoms. What fucking brilliant luck…

He laughed nervously and decided to step completely around the subject,

"How are you and Elysia doing, Mrs. Hughes? Ed and I haven't been to see you in months I know but with his work and my university schedule it's hard to find the time." He lied to her, he and Ed didn't like visiting people any more.

Being incestuous and all that made them feel awkward around familiar caring people.

She didn't look at the wall of condoms again and went along with the subject change,

"We're just fine, just fine, I'm actually glad I've run into you since I haven't seen you boys in so long. I asked Roy about you two and he says as far as he knows you're both fine but I still wonder." She tilted her head.

"Uh, excuse me." Ricky said with a pat on Al's shoulder when the bell dinged at the front of the store.

"Yeah, sure." Al said distractedly and Gracia smiled at him as he walked away.

Alphonse hoped his one arm behind his back wasn't too suspicious,

"We're fine too, keeping busy and staying out of trouble like we promised you we would." He smiled at her.

She nodded,

"Good to know, you and Edward always had such a knack for finding trouble." She raised an eyebrow, mock scolding. He laughed, still a little nervously,

"So, where's Elysia?" he tried to keep the conversation moving away from the shelf beside him.

Gracia raised her eyebrows,

"It's the middle of the day dear, she's at school…" she pointed out and Alphonse felt like an idiot for even asking, "…speaking of which, why aren't you at university, everything okay?" she asked, concerned.

Alphonse wondered what she really thought of him right then, looking at him from a motherly perspective as he stood next to a condom display –guilty as can be and still fighting to get rid of his blush- while ditching university,

"I was injured on the weekend, so I've taken the day off." He said mostly honestly.

She looked worried now,

"Injured how, what happened?" she blinked a few times and clutched her basket in her dainty hands.

Alphonse blinked and shook his head with a smile,

"Nothing serious, Edward and I were sparring and I got hurt is all." He reassured.

She sighed and shook her head,

"You boys should give up that violent pastime, it's no good, honestly."

"Al?" he heard Edward's voice…coming up  **behind him.**

He clutched the lubricant bottle tightly and could only hope Ed wouldn't notice it,

"Hi, Mrs. Hughes!" Ed said pleasantly and Alphonse glanced at the older blonde as came to stand beside him.

"Edward, dear, are you also staying off work today?" she placed a hand on her hip.

Edward raised his eyebrows lazily,

"Huh, no, I actually have the whole week off." He explained with a small grin.

This was news to Alphonse and he frowned and looked at Ed,

"You're off for the whole week, I thought maybe just today since you came home early."

Edward looked at him,

"I forgot to bring it up at lunch, sorry Al, the construction site's closed for the week so Mustang gave me the time off."

"Good timing it seems, Alphonse was just saying he got injured." Gracia shook her head again.

Alphonse hated that Edward looked guilty as he rubbed the back of his neck,

"Eh, yeah, it was an accident."

"I was careless." Alphonse provided.

Gracia looked between them and was about to say something when a man walking along the aisle toward them –from behind her- stopped at her side and placed an arm around her shoulders with a warm smile on his face,

"I got everything on your list so far, love." He raised the basket he was carrying to show her and then he looked to Ed and Al and smiled, "Hi there."

Edward and Alphonse stared at the taller man  _holding_  Gracia who smiled at him just as nicely and then looked back to them,

"Boys, this is Jackson." She said simply, Alphonse figured she felt it was unnecessary to elaborate, they were adults and could figure out that this man was her boyfriend, "Darling, this is Edward and Alphonse. I've mentioned them before." She gestured to them.

"Hi." Edward reached for the extended hand of the older man and shook which made Alphonse realize he had no free hand to shake with, so he blushed and resigned himself to having to put the lube down…in front of  **all**  of them. He was about to when Edward, who only carried a small brown paper bag with medication in it turned to him,

"Let me help you with that, Al." he said casually as he reached to help –with both hands- and Alphonse let go of the three bottles…and also the lubricant as Edward's other hand took it discreetly from his hand behind his back.

Alphonse quickly extended his now available right hand, feeling like a total idiot…actually, worse now that he knew Edward had seen the lubricant,

"Hi, I'm Alphonse, he's Edward." He gestured to the older blonde while Ed adjusted everything in his hands, the lubricant was nowhere to be seen.

"I've seen pictures of you-" he gestured to Edward, "at Gracia's house, but not you Alphonse." he informed casually.

"You have, Jack, Alphonse is the one in the armor…he went through a phase." She said just as casually and the older man nodded. She played off the seriousness of the subject well but the man was no doubt wondering –like everyone did- about how Al's average stature had filled the massive armor.

Al just smiled and he glanced at Edward to find him mostly without an expression.

"Gracia Hughes! Oh my, it's been years!" a woman's voice exclaimed from the end of the aisle and Gracia spun around and broke into a wide smile,

"Agatha!" she exclaimed and then turned to them again, "Excuse me." she said quickly and walked down the aisle talking happily to the unknown woman.

She looked happy and Alphonse smiled as he watched her, of all the people he knew she was one of them that most deserved to find peace and happiness after Maes Hughes untimely death.

"She talks about you two like family, refers to you both as her surrogate sons." Jackson said with an affectionate smile as he watched Gracia talking to her friend.

"Yeah, she's  **very**  important to us." Edward said stiffly and the older man looked at him a little stunned at his warning tone. Alphonse had to jump in to avoid the situation getting awkward…or worse, hostile.

"We love Mrs. Hughes like a mother, is what my brother means to stress, sir. So naturally we're a bit shocked to see her with someone since we had no idea." He said politely, no longer blushing now that the lube had disappeared. The older man didn't look offended and he just nodded with a smile,

"I completely understand, I know that you two knew Maes Hughes very well, I wouldn't expect her close friends from her marriage to just warm up to me right away, I have to work towards that." he admitted and sighed, "But I want only the best for Gracia and Elysia, I promise…actually, that reminds me." His voice dropped to whisper.

Alphonse frowned and Edward raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"Her birthday is this Friday…" he said quietly, "…and with the help of some of her friends I've managed to plan a surprise party of sorts at her house. I've even managed to get in contact with that Roy Mustang fellow and asked him to please invite along anyone that he knows is close to Gracia from his side, since I don't know her friends from her marriage." He looked a bit sheepish. "She hasn't celebrated her birthday in years and so I wanted to do this for her and I'd like everyone special to her to be there and that would include the two of you, so if you'd attend on Friday afternoon, 4 pm, I know she'd love to have you there." He smiled brightly.

"How would you have asked us if you hadn't just met us?" Edward asked accusingly.

Alphonse was still absorbing the information but he glanced at Ed at the abrupt question,

"Well, I figured Roy Mustang would contact you about it. Gracia says you're friends with him." again he looked pointedly at Edward.

Alphonse expected the older blonde to deny the connection of 'friends' to Mustang but Ed didn't even flinch or look annoyed like he usually did, his expression actually eased from its suspicious hostility and he nodded,

"Mustang's an idiot." He informed with a sigh, "We'll be there, right Al?"

Al blinked at Ed's calm reaction and he nodded quickly and smiled,

"Of course we will, without a doubt."

Jackson nodded at the brothers with a happy smile, he'd laughed just a bit at Ed's comment about Mustang,

"Great, you can bring your wives or girlfriends along as well, and children if you have any." Al blinked and Ed frowned, "I'm really glad we ran into you so I could personally invite you," he extended his hand again, "it's good to have met you two. Gracia always speaks so fondly of you…" he glanced at her and raised his eyebrows, "…I'd better go and get her, we still have lots to do before we fetch Elysia from school."

Alphonse shook his hand and then looked past him to Gracia as Ed shook his hand next,

"Bye Mrs. Hughes." Al said audibly and she turned around and waved quickly as Jackson started to walk toward her,

"Oh, bye boys, please come for dinner sometime, alright." She said with a smile.

"We will." They said at the same time and looked at each other afterwards.

Edward just smirked and so Alphonse did too and then the older blonde reached behind himself, when his hand came forward again he raised the lubricant to their side where Gracia and her boyfriend wouldn't see if they looked over,

"Were you going to buy this?" he asked very quietly, no notable tone of voice.

Alphonse blushed again as he glanced at the lube and he shook his head slightly, not feeling so good about himself even under Ed's gentle questioning gaze.

Edward didn't say anything and instead just leaned over and using Alphonse's body as cover he placed the lube back and then stood up straight,

"Let's go, Al."

Alphonse started to walk with him, in the opposite direction of Gracia, when he remembered his insides –since they were starting to hurt again-,

"Wait, I need to get something from the medical counter." He mumbled and placed a light hand on his stomach.

Edward sighed and placed a hand on his shoulder,

"I got you something for that pain." He said quietly.

Al walked with him and frowned,

"Not the bruise, Ed." He mumbled.

Edward didn't look at him,

"I know." He said with a sigh and Alphonse realized Ed had gotten him something for his anxiety pain, so he relaxed and they walked around and through another aisle toward the cash counter.

Ricky grinned when he spotted Alphonse and said 'hi' to Edward before he started to ring up the items –he knew Ed was Al's brother. Ed ignored him and Alphonse glared at him when Edward wasn't looking every chance he got until they left the store.

* * *

It was about 6.30 that evening as Edward was washing the dishes and Alphonse was drying and packing…that he brought up the subject of their time in the pharmacy,

"Mrs. Hughes looked really happy today." Alphonse had been thinking about it while they ate a light supper. First he'd thought of his embarrassment with the condom shelf and then next his guilt about stealing his Gracia's sex pills and eventually he'd thought about having met her new lover.

Such a tiring afternoon.

Once they'd gotten home, he'd taken the pills that Edward had bought for him…surprisingly Ed had taken some as well. It was mild medication, nothing quite as strong as  _benzodiazepines_ , but he knew anything like that he'd have to get with a prescription and Al didn't want to see a doctor.

At any rate, he was feeling a little better.

"Yeah, she did." Edward agreed as he washed a plate in slow circles with a sponge.

Alphonse put the plate he'd dried away in the cupboard and then came back to wait for the next dish,

"I know I should be really happy for her but I can't help thinking of Mr. Hughes and feeling like that guy has no right to be with her." He admitted quietly, watching as Edward rinsed the suds from the plate in the second sink.

"It's been years Al, it was bound to happen sometime." He said quietly.

Alphonse sighed,

"I know, I know…but she really does feel like a mother, different than Teacher does, you know. Not the strict, disciplining and scary mother who can beat the crap out of anyone. Mrs. Hughes is the soft, sweet and kind mother that I feel like we need to protect and look after."

Edward nodded with an amused smirk and handed him the rinsed plate,

"I know, Al. That's why I was going to threaten that guy but then you had to go and be all polite." Ed gave him a bored look.

Alphonse shook his head while smiling as he dried the plate,

"You can't go threatening Mrs. Hughes' boyfriend Ed, we don't even know the guy. He seemed nice enough…" he mumbled and walked back to the plate cupboard to put the dish away.

"You're too trusting, you know that." Edward informed him.

"And you're too cynical,  **you**  know that." Alphonse stated flatly as he closed the cupboard and walked back over.

"I'm a realist." Edward said as he rinsed a glass out, tilting his head and looking at Al.

"Oh please…" Alphonse laughed softly and reached for the glass when Ed held it out, "…you can call it realism but you know you're just trying to dress your cynicism up with a nicer word."

Edward gave a short laugh and let the glass go, but it was wet and Alphonse was a bit slow to grip it firmly so it fell into the second empty sink and cracked in a few places, the glass pieces broke off instantly.

"Crap, sorry." Alphonse sighed.

Edward didn't even look at the glass; he just stopped Alphonse from reaching into the sink to touch it,

"Don't worry about it Al, I'll throw it out when we're done."

Alphonse's attention shifted from Edward lightly holding his wrists to the comment,

"Throw it out? Why don't we just fix it?" he asked honestly confused.

Edward let go of his wrists rather quickly and looked back to the sink of warm water, he dipped his hands in and picked out another glass to wash,

"Oh yeah, sure Al, go ahead and fix it then." Ed said quietly as he washed the glass.

Alphonse stared at him, his bangs were covering the side of his face, Al didn't know if he should bring it up, but he figured there would never really be a good time to force the issue,

"Why don't you fix it Ed, I'll finish up the dishes…I'm a little tired and nauseous." He said as evenly as possible.

It was a stupid excuse, being too tired to transmute a little broken glass wasn't really even a thing, but Al expected Ed wouldn't make him do something he didn't feel like doing.

"Okay, I'll sort it out, let's finish the dishes first." Ed said as he opened the tap of the second sink to rinse the glass he'd washed and Alphonse frowned because some of the finer glass was no doubt swirling down the drain because of that action.

"Ed…" he reached to switch the tap off, "…the glass." He stated and turned the water off.

Edward sighed and gripped the half rinsed glass in his hand tightly, he looked at Al,

"Forget it Al, I'll throw it out."

Alphonse frowned and narrowed his eyes,

"Why don't you just  **fix**  it?" he insisted.

"Why the fuck don't you just let me throw it out! It's a fucking glass, I'll buy a new set tomorrow!" he yelled and Al –having not expected so much anger- closed his mouth and blinked at Edward's annoyed expression.

Alphonse knew then that something about Edward was off, if he was choosing not to use alchemy then his reaction to such a small thing wouldn't have been so severe. But the older blonde was angry…and when he got angry it was because something was out of his control or hurting him somehow.

Edward swallowed and reopened the tap, he rinsed the glass in hand and washed away the small broken bits as if making his point that the glass would not be saved,

"Sorry for shouting." He mumbled and held the clean glass out to Alphonse as he closed the tap.

Alphonse blinked a few times, feeling a strange sadness well up inside him at the distant dejected tone of Ed's voice. Something wasn't right…

"I'm sorry…for insisting, it's just a stupid glass." He felt like it was all he could say. He took the glass and started to dry it but after a moment he stopped and put it down on the counter. Alphonse stepped closer to Edward, behind him and he threw his rules to the wind as he slipped his arms around Edward's torso and he embraced his brother closely.

It was not something a brother would do to another but Edward –once again- didn't resist or tense, so Al laid his cheek to the point where Ed's neck and shoulders met and he sighed,

"I'm sorry, Ed." He didn't know what the second apology was for but he felt like he had to say it.

Edward stopped washing whatever he'd picked up and sighed,

"Alphonse…" he said quietly.

"Hm?" Al didn't want to speak, he could feel Ed's warm skin against his cheek through his shirt and he felt so comfortable holding him.

"Today at the pharmacy…" Al opened his eyes and his insides twisted with shock at what Ed might bring up, "…why were you holding the lube?" he asked very quietly.

Alphonse didn't let go, even as his eyes burned suddenly with tears.

He had no excuse, he'd stopped and looked and contemplated…he'd wanted to buy that for every sexual reason he could think of where Edward was concerned…but he couldn't because it would no longer serve a purpose.

He turned his face so his lips skirted along the round low collar of Ed's T shirt,

"I…I was just reading the label, that's all." He mumbled against the older blonde's skin.

There was silence for a moment then Edward sighed,

"I shouldn't have asked, it's not my business anymore, sorry, Al." he started to wash the dishes again and Alphonse frowned and looked at Ed's neck in confusion as let his lips linger against the skin,

"What do you mean, it's not your business?" he enquired softly.

Edward sighed again and whatever he was washing clattered noisily in the sink as he dropped it and pushed back lightly, Alphonse let him go and watched as Ed picked up the abandoned dish cloth and dried his hands off slowly,

"Your reasons for what you buy or look at...it's not my business." He answered.

When Ed moved to walk away, apparently no longer interested in the dishes Alphonse spoke up,

"I was thinking about me and you when I looked at it, Edward." He said softly and a little angrily, he realized Ed had been implying that he might have been looking at those products for use with  _someone else_.

As if.

Edward had only taken two steps before he stopped and turned to Alphonse with a deep frown,

"But  **why** …?"

Alphonse frowned, feeling hurt by Ed asking that as if Alphonse shouldn't even think about them anymore,

"I can't help it, I'm trying to manage my feelings…but I still-…"

"This was your choice Alphonse." Ed reminded him flatly.

"I know that! Okay…but I'm doing it for you!" he hated that he said that out loud, somehow he just didn't think Edward would appreciate it for what it was…not after how much they'd been through.

"You're hurting yourself for  **me**?" and he was proved right, Edward didn't understand, "You think for a second I  **want**  you to do that for me?" Ed said in a strained voice and brushed his bangs back from his face.

"It's the right thing isn't it Edward?" Al asked through an aching throat, "You said it so many times, I knew you were right, we're brothers, we're not sup-…" his throat tensed and he swallowed, "…supposed to be anything else."

"You decide that  **now**?" Edward asked with a harsh breath, sounding like he thought Alphonse was being ridiculous, "That was a decision that needed to be made before we started sleeping together!" he said in the same strained voice and cut his arm through the air sharply.

Alphonse threw his arms up,

"I know I fucked up! I know it okay! I'm not denying that, I'm trying to make it right!" he insisted.

"And I love you for that…" Edward said desperately as he stepped closer, looking Al in the eye, "…but Al, you should know that hurting yourself for me will  **not**  make me happy."

Alphonse was breathing quite heavily as he realized Edward was giving him permission to take back his decision, Ed was giving him the right to be selfish and take advantage of his older brother's weakness for him.

Al swallowed sorely as he closed the gap between them, his hands came up to hold the older blonde's face as he leaned in and breathed shakily against Ed's lips,

"It'll stop…hurting…eventually, I love you more than eno-ugh to get by with just being b-brothers…" he breathed the words but even so, he kissed Edward.

"Al…wha-…" Ed tried to say something as he pulled back but Alphonse didn't let him, he pulled Ed forward by his neck and kissed him firmly, opening his mouth and letting his tongue slip between Ed's parted lips.

Ed was slow to kiss him back, Alphonse imagined he was confused by his words that contradicted his actions…but he hadn't been able to resist kissing the older blonde.

It was overwhelming to have Ed stand there and tell him once again that it was okay to be selfish, to use him…so Al was giving in…just a little. Alphonse kissed Edward messily in his eagerness, slipping his tongue as deep as he could into Ed's accommodating mouth, sucking on his tongue slowly every time he drew back and Ed let him lead the kiss.

The overwhelming feeling started to rise and get stronger and Alphonse trailed his shaking hands down over Ed's chest and abdomen until his fingers grazed the buckle of Ed's belt.

They paused in kissing and Alphonse knew his next chosen move would decide where they went from there, because Edward would do anything he wanted…and right then Al wanted to be with Edward, he always did…but…

That would be taking advantage, it would be wrong…Al's hands started to tremble badly over Ed's belt buckle. Their lips were still touching and moist from each other's tongues, their breaths still mingled, quick and hot and audible in the silence. Alphonse imagined what he'd like to happen if he unbuckled Ed's belt, he thought about the older blonde taking him right there on the kitchen table, it was just behind them…

…and with how much Edward wanted to make him  _happy_  right, Alphonse didn't doubt he could have it that way if he so much as breathed the words…

His insides twisted with several emotions and he licked his lips slowly, his tongue tracing Ed's lips as well for how close they were, he slowly shifted his trembling fingers over the buckle and Edward looked straight into his eyes, eyes half lidded and questioning…waiting for Al's decision…

 _'Anything I want…he'll do anything I want.'_  Al knew it and it both excited and saddened him.

Yet still, despite how wrong he knew it was, Al clutched Ed's belt and started to pull the leather strap out of the buckle…

_'Sorry Edward, I'm sorry…'_

The minute he'd started to open the belt Edward had pressed their lips together, kissing him shakily as Ed's hands –also shaking- skimmed the hem of Al's T shirt and started to pull it up.

Alphonse stepped back, hooking his fingers in the front of Ed's jeans and pulling him along backwards,

"On the…table…" he said between kissing Edward.

Edward didn't say anything and Alphonse felt sick and sore…and giddy…at the fact that he'd been right.

Ed wouldn't say no to anything right then, he was trying to make up for something, trying to make Alphonse happy. Al knew he should stop, of course he knew, but he didn't.

When they reached the table they stopped kissing for a second and Edward pulled Al's shirt up over his head then Alphonse pulled Ed's buttons open on his jeans with one quick tug, revealing the band of his boxers…and beneath it the visible outline of the top of his erection.

The soreness was washed out by arousal for the moment, Alphonse couldn't even feel the bruise with his sexual adrenalin pumping so furiously. Al sat up on the edge of the table and pulled Edward between his legs as they rejoined their mouths wetly, he wrapped his arms around Ed's shoulders as he hooked his legs around Ed's waist and pulled him closer.

Edward's hands trailed over his back sensually and once he reached the bottom Ed pulled Alphonse forward so their groins were pressed together, he could feel Ed's hard on and his own was just as prominent. When Edward's fingers started to work Al's jeans button open he separated his mouth from Ed's, breaking their long heavily breathy kiss so he could look at the older blonde.

He was shaking and Edward seemed to be as well, the atmosphere between them was strange but the sexual tension –at least for Alphonse- was intense and blatant.

Edward's eyes were still hooded, he was flushed and he looked downright sexy as he pulled Al's zipper down slowly and exhaled shakily, leaning their foreheads together, Alphonse exhaled just as shakily as they paused in their actions…

…the gravity of their present intent was heavier for Alphonse since that night he'd acknowledged his guilt, every action he carried out right then highlighted his misuse…of Edward.

By the time Edward's pause ended and he hooked his fingers into the sides of Al's jeans and underwear, the younger blonde was feeling the pain of his anxiety and guilt tenfold as his insides strained and shook. Still he raised his hips at Ed's first tug to pull his clothes off, even as he shook with trepidation for his actions and struggled to suppress his conscience, he let Ed undress him.

When his underwear and jeans were pulled down to his knees…Alphonse was exactly where he wanted to be…but the sound of loud knocking at the door ruined it as the sound merged with their heavy breathing and shaky, ominous undressing. Edward paused again with the jeans and underwear almost to Al's ankles and he looked at Alphonse…expectantly, wanting to know what he should do.

The unexpected knock had jarred Alphonse's tender insides with shock but in the back of his mind he knew the main door was locked so he kept his attention on Edward's slightly ashen face, he knew Ed had probably also had a bit of a shock at the interruption.

 _'Why…why does he just do whatever I say, why doesn't he stop me?'_  he asked himself just as selfishly, knowing he shouldn't expect Edward to decide everything for him, especially when he was the one in the wrong.

"Ignore it." He said in a whisper, continuing to be weak and shaking with pain while Edward stripped him quietly. His skin was hot in contrast to the cold table surface against his bare buttocks. Alphonse didn't feel sexy or attractive even though he'd become more sexually confident in the past months, he just felt vulnerable and worried.

But so painfully aroused by Edward.

Edward reached for the bottom of the jeans legs and with a grip on each pant end he pulled Al's jeans off and the denim dropped heavily to the floor followed by his boxer briefs,

"Kiss me, please Edward." Alphonse pleaded softly as his legs trembled anew, sitting naked with his legs parted for Ed on their kitchen table was by the far the hottest and most intense thing he'd experienced in a while, he could hardly breathe. Al slipped his hand into Edward's boxers to grope his cock as the older blonde leaned in to kiss him but before Al had a chance to stroke the hard, hot flesh in his hand…a second knock sounded, firm and deliberate.

Somehow Al just knew whoever it was –by their confident knock- was not about to go away.

 _'Maybe this is a sign…'_  Al wasn't religious but he was willing to misinterpret the coincidence of being interrupted if it was a strong enough feeling to forcefully stop him from taking advantage of his beloved older brother,

"Edward…" he breathed against Ed's mouth and scrunched up his face in emotional agony, feeling like he might cry as Edward's hands caressed the insides of his thighs slowly.

A third knock sounded...

"Yeah, Al?" a kiss was pressed to his lips, gentle and moist as Ed's hands slipped up toward Al's throbbing erection.

The words felt like they would choke Al as he leaned his head on Edward's shoulder and sighed with a whimper,

"I ca-can't do this…" he swallowed sorely and started shaking more noticeably. He raised his head again, eyes wet with tears and he looked into Edward's pale, confused face, Edward's shaking hands were stationary on Al's naked thighs, "I can't do this to y-you. I can't say some-thing and t-then just take it back, you deserve to have what's right, please don't let m-me…" Al pushed himself off the table and Ed stepped back, removing all contact, "…don't let me do this to you, I'm not as strong as you…" he admitted in a pained whisper as tears slipped over his cheeks.

A fourth knock followed…louder and more demanding.

"You  **need**  to say no to me…" Alphonse stressed quietly, pushing hair back from his eyes before he started to bend over to pull his underwear back on. Edward held his shoulders to stop him and stand him up straight then Al watched –shaking like a leaf- as Edward crouched down. The older blonde picked up the briefs and Alphonse sobbed quietly as he stepped into them as Ed held it waiting,

 _'Why are you doing this?'_  he bit back another sob, hating and loving Ed's gentle and attentive actions.

Edward slid the underwear up slowly, his fingertips trailing over Alphonse's naked legs the whole way. When Ed was standing up again and he let the elastic of the boxer-briefs settle on Al's waist his hands lingered, he closed his eyes and leaned their foreheads together again,

"Are you sure? I won't ask you again, Alphonse." Edward breathed quietly. Alphonse sobbed as his insides shook painfully. He could only manage a nod even though it tore him up to do even that much.

Then Edward's warmth, closeness and touch were completely gone,

"I'll…go and answer the door." He said in a shaken voice as he walked out of the kitchen refastening his buttons and belt. Alphonse gathered up his clothes quickly, feeling light headed and wrought with pain everywhere, inside and out before he rushed out of the kitchen.

By the time the next knock came Alphonse ran into his bedroom and shut his door a little louder than he should have but he didn't care…because he was struggling against the urge to puke, he threw his clothes on the floor and himself onto his bed in the next instant and he continued crying.

His thoughts and feelings were cluttered and overlapped each other giving him a headache, the pain he felt in his abdomen also agonized him, his throat ached as he tried to reign in the rushing need to vomit. He turned his face into his pillow and cried as quietly as he could, his frame shaking…all the while he cursed himself for doing what he had done.

It hurt so fucking awfully to ask to be touched and then to have to push Edward away…

 _'…and why did he do that, why would he pull my underwear on like that, so gentle…so sexually...like a lover? If he_ _ **doesn't**_ _want me then why the fuck does he touch me like that?!'_ He felt so completely sick and angry at the question he'd asked himself a million times.

Why did Edward touch him like  **that**  if he didn't really feel the same way!?

Alphonse heard a voice raised, Edward's voice, he sounded annoyed and then Al heard a second male muffled voice, speaking much less audibly, not yelling.

He tuned the noise out and slowly curled up on his side as he cried and hurt quietly, he was still tingling with arousal, just like that morning, just like every time would be from then on. Doing the right thing…not using Edward just because he could, not being able to be with the older blonde…would kill him slowly, Alphonse was sure.

 _'He wasn't saying anything, he was so quiet, waiting for direction…that has to mean it's just me, he doesn't want this, he just does what he thinks will make me happy, that's probably all it is .Why is it so fucking easy for me to take advantage of that!'_  he knew he needed to be stronger, even as he pounded his pillow with a fist in frustration and misery, the tension of each hit making his midsection ache but he was unrelenting in his assault.

After the pillow took its beating and Al's bruise throbbed to the high heavens, he calmed himself down, breathing heavily into the pillow and he told himself to be proud…proud that he'd at least had the guts to speak up that time. He'd had the guts to tell Edward not to let himself be used…

Alphonse didn't know what he must have sounded like to his older sibling, so pathetic and honest about how sick and weak he was…

…sometimes…just sometimes, Al wished he was back in the unfeeling armor…just sometimes…so it could be easier…to breathe.

The veins on his neck stood as he silenced his painful heaving sobs into his pillow and clenched his jaw, a fresh flow of tears left his sore, swollen eyes.

"Alphonse?" he heard the barely concealed worry in Ed's voice following a soft knock, "Mustang is here, he said he wants to take us out for dinner or drinks…" there was a pause in which Al gripped his pillow so tightly it hurt his shaking hands, "…do you want to go?"

He would love to have killed that bastard! If not for the  **persistent**  knocking Alphonse would still be on the kitchen table, probably with Edward inside of him, making him feel amazing and so deeply satisfied by now…even if it'd only be for that moment…

"Al?"

He turned his face to the side,

"No!" he shouted, his voice cracking, "You go, just leave me, I want to sleep!" he practically demanded with a pained rasp. Being alone right then to cry like a weak bitch was exactly what he wanted.

"Alphonse, are you sure that's a good ide-…?"

"Yes dammit, I said  **go**!" he insisted. He directed his anger at Edward and snapped loudly over his sibling's soft speaking behind his door, "…just go." He said just audibly and pressed his face back into his wet pillow as he shook with more restrained sobs.

He heard Mustang ask –in the hall probably standing with Edward- if Al was okay.

 _'Fuck off you interfering prick!'_  Alphonse thought harshly as he gripped his pillow again.

He heard Edward mumble something and then their voices faded down the hall, there was some muffled talking for a while and then Ed said loudly,

"Al…I'm going, are you sure?" his voice sounded uncertain.

Alphonse sniffed a few times and raised his head again, his head throbbing with pain,

"Yes…" he said as loud as he could around his aching throat, hoping Ed would hear him.

When the main door closed a minute later Alphonse knew he'd been heard…and he started to cry properly.

He didn't know how much more he could take of this, life was starting to seem like it just wasn't worth struggling through.

* * *

Alphonse could only assume that his emotional instability was brought on by his directly contradicting feelings of guilt and love for Edward. His want to be with his older brother clashed with his love that insisted he stopped abusing Ed's feelings…all the time and every second, it droned on and on in the back of his mind.

And seeing how Edward had gone out with Mustang and only returned after 10 pm the previous night, he felt it was safe to assume that Ed's emotional pain wasn't nearly as severe as his own…because the older blonde had no burden of guilt in this matter, not really anyway.

Alphonse knew from previous conversations and arguments that Edward felt guilty for sleeping with him. Al didn't really understand how that worked because he'd asked for it, he'd told Ed time and time again that he wanted it but he knew that whatever it meant, it wasn't the same kind of guilt that had ripped Alphonse apart for hours the night before.

The wind kicked up and he held down his papers scattered on table and bench he sat at on the university grounds that morning. Edward had been asleep when he left that morning; he knew the older blonde had no work to attend so he hadn't bothered to go near his sibling's bedroom lest he woke him. Al had woken up aching everywhere and sick to his stomach, so he'd rushed through a quick shower, brushed his teeth, popped some pain killers, hardly groomed himself after dressing and then he'd left the apartment.

He sighed, feeling exhausted as he continued to copy notes from Elizabeth's work. The weather was slightly overcast but the air was still warm and the wind was just getting on his last frayed nerves. He thought maybe he should move inside to the library for his free period, Elizabeth had skipped classes to sit with him.

He glanced up just then as he heard heels clacking over the concrete, stopping short as Elizabeth reached the grass. She approached with a small smile and two cups of hot drinks, her black hair blowing around as she walked unsteadily over.

Alphonse would have shaken his head at her stubbornness against tying up her hair but he didn't have the energy to care right then. He hadn't slept the night before –obviously- and Edward's touches and kisses had lingered for hours into the night…so had Al's tears.

Eventually he'd cried himself to sleep at around 4 am and woken up a few hours later sore and miserable.

But what else was new?

"Here you go, one hot chocolate for you." Elizabeth said as she reached the table and sat down next to him, placing the cup next to his free hand, "I'd still like to see that ugly bruise you claim to be sporting."

Alphonse sighed and picked up the hot plastic cup,

"You just want to see me with my shirt up again." He mumbled before he sipped his drink, half teasing and half serious. Elizabeth snickered but she blushed ever so slightly,

"Well, I'll try not to let my eyes wander, I swear." She batted her eyelashes as if to say 'pretty please'.

Alphonse would usually have felt better at her easy joking but he just looked away from her and sipped more of the hot chocolate, not feeling well enough to entertain her light heartedness. Life was  **not** a joke, it was  **not**  fair and it was **not**  wonderful…it was miserable and it hurt to breathe and think and exist.

He hated feeling this way, it made him think he was being ungrateful for what Edward had spent years working to give back to him, but if someone had told him early on that he'd be so incredibly miserable and fucked up in the head, he might had thought Greed was onto something when he said a suit of armor sounded like a great way to live.

 _'Ugh, how can I think like that, after everything Ed's done for me?'_  even as he scolded himself mentally and dragged a hand through his hair feeling stressed, he still felt bitterness and anger at being able to feel.

Edward was letting him bare this burden all alone, letting him make the decisions and the mistakes…

And he knew he deserved it because this entire situation was his own fault, it wasn't Edward's.

"You really don't look well, you should have stayed home." Elizabeth said quietly and Alphonse felt her hand settle lightly on his upper back, rubbing in gentle circles.

"You told me off for not calling you to say if I was okay…now you're telling me I should have stayed off longer." He said irritably, wishing he had the nastiness in him to tell her to take her hand off his back.

He did not want to be touched, his skin was crawling with bad feelings and guilt and he didn't think he deserved comfort or soothing touches.

Just the night before he'd been willing to let Edward cater to his will like some subservient puppet just because he'd wanted to get laid by his older brother. The very thought made him feel like he'd throw up, he felt like he was the lowest of the low…still, Elizabeth rubbed gently and spoke softly, completely oblivious to his sickness,

"I was just worried, sorry about that." she said with a sigh.

He sighed as well and looked down at his awful handwriting, usually he was meticulous but in his awful mood he was scrawling illegibly across the pages, the pen was nearly tearing into the paper from the pressure he put it down with and there were some ink smudges too.

"Alphonse…" Elizabeth said gently and placed a warm, soft hand over his tense cold hand holding the plastic cup on the table, "…why don't you leave that for now? I'll make photocopies for you at the library, let's just relax, just talk about anything and get whatever's bothering you off your mind for a while." She suggested softly.

Both of them held the papers down as the wind kicked up again.

Alphonse let go of the pen once the wind passed and he closed the books over the papers and nodded,

"Okay…thanks." He knew it wasn't as simple as that but writing notes right then was pissing him off quite a bit.

He leaned his elbows on the table and placed his head in his hands,

"I doubt you want to talk about whatever it is but just so you know, you can talk to me if you want to." She offered unassumingly. Alphonse stared across the expanse of open area around them, few people, some benches and no sunlight,

"Thanks." He said flatly.

They sat in silence for a while, Elizabeth drinking her coffee and Alphonse having given up on his hot chocolate all together because of his nausea. He was staring off into the distance, mentally berating himself for everything that was wrong with him when Elizabeth sighed,

"Okay, let's talk about something neutral…" she suggested in a light tone, Al shrugged in response and he laid his arms across each other on the table and laid his chin on his arms.

She sighed,

"I went out last night with some girlfriends to a bar called Durego's, not a bad place at all and their drinks are not too pricey…" she said conversationally and then her random story found its point, "…anyway, I saw your brother there." She said with a smile in her voice.

Alphonse frowned but he didn't look at her, why she sounded so pleased by that he didn't know, but he had known Mustang had taken Ed out so her seeing the older blonde in a bar wasn't news to him.

Thinking of Edward going out right after what had been happening in the kitchen did bring a grimace to his face, even though he practically demanded Ed leave the apartment. He knew he shouldn't wish the same miserable feeling on Ed but some very horrible part of him wished he wasn't suffering alone.

He wondered if Edward thought about the fact that Alphonse had been completely naked on the table, trembling with need –and pain- and desperate with feelings of uncertainty and want. He wondered if the older blonde had even considered that Al had cried himself to sleep, he wondered if the fact that he'd spoken so openly about being too weak not to take advantage made Edward sick to his stomach.

 _'What kind of person am I?'_  he stared at the stone table top.

"You don't look interested…" Elizabeth mumbled, "…but I thought you'd like to know that I  _think_  I saw your brother with a potential boyfriend last night."

Alphonse stomach lurched so suddenly he panicked for a moment that he might throw up his hot chocolate, it was all that was in his stomach after all. He swallowed several times and glanced at Elizabeth, she was smiling and looking at him; he supposed he looked so shitty to begin with that the fresh cold feeling he had in his face at her words went unnoticed.

"W-what do you mean?" he mumbled against his arm and looked at the table again.

"Well, I say potential because I think it might have been one sided…" her voice was less certain now, "…the guy he was with looked interested, I saw him checking out your brother a few times and he was smiling a lot, flirtatiously. Your brother wasn't being stand-offish or anything but he didn't look like he was interested, it was like he didn't care. He wasn't smiling or laughing nearly as much either, I couldn't hear their conversation though, they were playing pool away from the bar but I was looking over occasionally." She informed with a smirk.

Alphonse absorbed the information and then frowned,

"The guy Ed was with, what'd he look like?" he asked, hoping he was wrong about his suspicion.

"He was a real looker," Elizabeth bumped shoulders with Al, "one of those well groomed types, wearing expensive clothes and probably has money to throw around. He had short black hair and he looked sort of Xingese as well, you know, his eyes weren't really round, kind of slanted…and he was, I think he was taller than your brother, fair skin…he was really good looking, that's for sure, oh and older than your brother, definitely." She giggled and leaned her arms on the table so she could look at Al properly, "You know the guy?"

Did Alphonse know who she was talking about?  **Fuck yes**. Was he pissed off hearing that some flirting was going on and Roy Mustang –interfering prick extraordinaire- was instigating it?  **Hell fucking yes.** Was he jealous that Edward wasn't being 'stand-offish' about it and was entertaining it?  **Absolutely hell fucking yes!**

Alphonse didn't move, not trusting himself not to get up, go home and punch Edward in the face. Or to go to Central HQ and punch Roy Mustang in the face! That sounded  _even_  better…

"Yeah…" his voice sounded gruff even to himself, "…I know him."

"Oooh…" Elizabeth smiled, trying to keep the spirits up he supposed, "…so is he a potential boyfriend? Maybe a really close friend that might be interested in your brother…or a bizarre cousin twice removed that doesn't understand you're not supposed to check out your relatives?" Elizabeth was rattling off jokingly but the last sentence rubbed Alphonse the wrong way on so many levels.

He took in a quiet breath as his body tensed painfully under the stress he felt and he turned his face the other way so she couldn't see him seethe,

"He's Ed's boss." He said tersely.

"His boss huh? They have to be friends or something Al…way too friendly to just be colleagues. I think there might be something else there," she said conspiratorially, "your brother has good taste though and you know, somehow him dating an older man makes sense." She added casually.

Alphonse sat up quickly and turned to glare at her, shaking his head irritably as he narrowed his eyes,

"You don't even fucking know my brother, how can you know what makes sense about him?" he asked rudely and he saw her flinch, his admonition was genuine and she could tell his anger was too.

She shrunk back a bit and looked awkward,

"He just seemed so reserved and mature, so I-…"

"Mature? Edward…mature? Ha! That's a fucking joke if I've  **ever**  heard one." He said testily and loudly before he stood up and grabbed his books up hastily.

Elizabeth didn't move to stop him, he walked away with long determined strides, telling himself he'd resettle in the library  **alone**  and work through these notes even if it took him all god-damned day.

 _'And fuck Edward for going out and flirting with_ _ **Roy fucking Mustang**_ _!'_  he clenched his jaw, furious, jealous and hurt. He felt like he hated Mustang on a whole new level, he'd never thought so ill of anyone before, not even Winry. But the idea of  **straight**  Roy Mustang trying out his moves on Edward ran Alphonse raw with ire.

He wanted to kill that  **bastard**.

"Alphonse?" Elizabeth shouted from behind him, he could hear her heels clacking as she ran up to him,

"Just leave me alone." He said stiffly when she caught up with him.

She huffed,

"I'm assuming here, but are you fighting with your brother?" she asked as she tried to keep pace with him.

Alphonse stopped and turned to face her abruptly,

"Mind your  **own**  business, Elizabeth." He said harshly.

She frowned, looking affronted,

"I am trying to! But how can I when I don't know what's bothering you so I  **can't**  avoid it!" she demanded.

"Try leaving me alone!" he snapped and turned to carry on walking.

"Is that it? That's your answer? I'm not even trying to pry and you're still going to act like a child, fine then." She sounded exasperated.

Alphonse slowed in his walking after a few more paces, taking in her words.

She was right, she wasn't even asking him to explain his bad mood, all morning she'd been skipping classes, trying to keep the conversation light and make him feel better…and here he was…acting like an asshole.

Just like with Edward, he was taking her for granted.

"Elizabeth." He turned around and saw her walking away in the opposite direction, her stride on heels was not as steady or fast but still clipped, for the first time ever Al knew she was upset with him. "Elizabeth, wait." He said again and he started after her, wishing his head would stop pounding so he could think clear for a moment.

He'd never felt such blinding anger like he had just then, he now understood just why Edward got so horrible when he was angry, it was an all-encompassing feeling and no doubt a shared trait between them.

As he got closer Elizabeth, she finally stopped walking and turned to face him, looking expectant. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair,

"I haven't slept properly or eaten this morning and yes, I'm…fighting…with my brother. It's just been a shitty couple of days and I know it's no excuse to take it out on you and I'm sorry I yelled but I-…"

"Okay okay you big dope." She waved her free hand, she held books with the other and smiled kindly, "You know, you go from being a raging tiger to a pussy cat in ten seconds flat, I have to say, it's kind of cute…but also scary." She poked his arm softly with a finger and raised an eyebrow at him.

He smiled slightly but shook his head,

"I have no right to take my anger out on you Elizabeth, I'm sorry."

She nodded,

"I don't mind all that much, friends fight you know, it's normal…I just wish you'd give me some kind of guide line so I know what to say and what not to."

"No…please…" he said quickly, "…do  **not**  be so accommodating. I already have more than enough of that pandering to my every need and want business from my brother…" he quickly realized what he'd said and went to amend it, clarify it so it sounded less strange, "…like I'm a little child, you know. If I throw a tantrum, I get what I want sort of thing, regardless of what it is." He sighed and averted his gaze nervously, feeling stupid for saying something like that carelessly.

He knew it might only sound strange to him because he knew what his needs and wants really were, but still.

Elizabeth sighed and shook her head,

"Are you kidding? You're fighting with your brother  **because**  he gives you your way all the time?" she laughed and face palmed dramatically, "I don't know whether that makes you a spoiled brat or a stupid brat." She teased as she dragged her hand over her face.

"I'm trying not to be a brat, okay, so shut up." He said dully, for moment letting go of his immense stress as he laughed with her quietly.

She sighed and stepped closer, linking her arm into his free arm and pulling him along,

"Okay, you haven't eaten, so I'm going to take you home and feed you my  _pet_." she cackled softly here for effect and Al raised an eyebrow, "And  **then,**  because you haven't slept, I'm giving you permission to take the rest of the day off. You can catch up on sleep in our guest room, away from your brother and his insistence to give you whatever you want because that must be pure torture." She said it sarcastically, having no idea how right she was, it was torture.

"And I'm extending you the invitation to stay the night if you like, that guestroom never gets used so I'm giving it to you whenever you need it and I know mommy and daddy won't mind because they think I should marry you." She blinked prettily as they walked and Alphonse found he didn't have it in him to say no, he even laughed quietly at her last comment, "You know parents, they love the handsome, genius doctor types." She held her hand up and splayed her fingers, feigning pretension.

As they walked to the exit of the university laughing quietly, Alphonse had to admit, he was feeling just a little better and the idea of not necessarily having to go home to face Edward that afternoon relaxed him just the slightest bit.


	8. Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks - to Vienna Wood for editing this chapter, your assistance is appreciated. 
> 
> * In the manga the Fuhrer's house was within central HQ.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to 30 Seconds To Mars

  
_I've been up in the air, out of my head,_   
_Stuck in a moment of emotion I destroyed._   
_Is this the end I feel?_   
_Up in the air, fucked up on life,_   
_All of the laws I've broken, loves that I've sacrificed._   
_Is this the end, end, end, end?_   


_I'll wrap my hands around your neck so tight with love, love._

  
_A thousand times I tempted fate._   
_A thousand times I played this game._   
_A thousand times that I have said today, today, today._   


* * *

Edward was surprised…and relieved.

The whole 'back to brothers' thing was going pretty well, or so it seemed thus far.

Hell, he'd even managed to make Alphonse laugh, even if he'd been insulting his younger brother's friend to do so, Al had still laughed and smiled and it'd been genuine. Ed had just been thinking recently of how rarely they laughed together anymore and yet it'd seemed so easy to inspire laughter from his younger sibling all of a sudden.

Lunch had gone great too, Alphonse had been smiling and stuffing his face just as much as Ed had during their eating contest and their conversations didn't feel forced or uncomfortable, which was another thing that surprised him since just the day before he hadn't known how to deal with Al's new outlook or how to talk to him.

He worried that it was too simple, he didn't want all of the good feelings to backfire later on them, he hoped Alphonse wasn't pretending really damn well and that they really were in a good space.

Of course there was still the matter of their physical boundaries, before they'd left the apartment earlier there'd been a lot of holding and closeness that Edward knew was not normal between brothers. But all things considered, he supposed that a few closer than should be hugs and some lingering kisses to the cheek weren't so bad.

They'd been sleeping together for months, they'd become so intimately close and really, Ed assumed that under  _normal_  circumstances just  _ending_  a regular romantic relationship was hard enough because of feelings, attachments, emotions…those things were all involved in a relationship. So for him and Alphonse, being as close as they were to begin with –as brothers- it made sense that severing their intimate relationship would be even more difficult to deal with because of their preexisting bond.

_'Then again, I could just be making excuses for my urges to be closer to him than I should want to…'_  he sighed inwardly just as they walked into the pharmacy and the bell dinged annoyingly. Alphonse had walked in just ahead of him and the younger blonde waved and smiled at a guy who was working behind the sales counter.

Edward had seen the guy once or twice before since Al had started working there but he couldn't remember his name. He glanced around the large drug store as he came to stand beside Alphonse,

"Al, you can say hi or whatever to your friend, I'll go and get the medication we need." He suggested and he received a smile and a nod from Alphonse.

Edward turned and walked into one of the aisles, he was worried about Al's anxiety pain since he knew how severe it could get and considering how quickly Alphonse's had become so bad, he knew the younger blonde was under an immense amount of stress. There wasn't much he could do about it though, except trying to be as accommodating and pleasant as possible in order to make Alphonse feel less guilty and take away from his burden somewhat.

Edward knew guilt better than just about anyone and he knew that the only person who could ease the crushing burden of such a feeling was the same person who brought it about. When he'd been spending every waking moment seeking a way to restore Alphonse and struggling with his overwhelming guilt for his mistakes, Al had been the only person who could make him feel better, by telling him that he didn't blame him or hate him.

Ed hadn't often believed Alphonse when he said he didn't hate him but sometimes…it helped and he'd be able to fall asleep at night feeling like he could get through another day.

This situation was mostly the same, he knew Alphonse was probably blaming himself and dealing with self-loathing and questions of his self-worth every second he had a chance to think which left Edward in much the same place Al had been years before. To tell Alphonse as often as was needed that Ed did not blame him or resent him for anything…and that they'd get through this together.

Just like their quest for their bodies, they had to get through this new obstacle together.

He reached the medicine counter and smiled at the elderly woman waiting to assist him. He asked for some reasonably strong pain killers, something for indigestion like Al had suggested and finally he asked for over the counter anxiety medication. Then he had to wait as the woman walked from shelf to shelf  _slowly_ and Edward had to try not to groan and complain that he'd gotten the oldest and slowest assistant on shift that day. After about ten minutes she had finally packaged his medications and Ed told her his information, waiting while she  _slowly_ wrote it down into the pharmacy medication logs.

When she was finally done he forced a smile, said thanks to the elderly woman and then turned to leave. He started down the same aisle he'd walked through the first time and stopped half way down when he realized Al wasn't at the sales counter anymore.

The guy behind the counter caught his eye and pointed to an aisle a few rows down –Ed assumed by his gesturing-, he nodded to the smiling guy and turned to walk back and around to look down the aisles until he spotted his brother. Two aisles down he finally found Alphonse, he was standing and talking to someone. Ed could see it was a woman by her long skirt and sandals but he couldn't see her face because she was a little shorter and of slighter build than Alphonse so she wasn't completely visible.

He walked down the aisle at a reasonable pace and when he got closer he couldn't help noticing Al was holding something behind his back.

With one glance at the arrangement of products beside his younger brother on the shelf and then to the shape of the small bottle he was clutching in his hand, Edward didn't need to look again to know what it was. So he didn't and instead got his sibling's attention,

"Al." he said aloud and as he reached Alphonse his eyes fell on the familiar person he was talking to and Edward felt a little shock run through him, "Hi, Mrs. Hughes!" he said with a half-smile while his thoughts ran a mile a minute.

He wondered why Al was hiding that product behind his back, whether Gracia had seen it, whether she'd asked any strange questions…and then he wondered  **why**  Alphonse was holding that product in the first place!?

"Edward, dear, are you also staying off work today?" Gracia said with a mock scolding tone of voice and Edward blinked twice before her words registered through his worried overworking mind,

"Huh, no…" he tried to keep his tone light, "I actually have the whole week off." He forced a grin.

"You're off for the whole week, I thought maybe just today since you came home early." Edward turned to look at Alphonse when the younger blonde spoke, he sounded a little higher pitched than he usually did, which told Edward he was uncomfortable.

He could guess why.

"I forgot to bring it up at lunch, sorry Al, the construction site's closed for the week so Mustang gave me the time off." He explained and looked back to Gracia as he did so.

She raised her eyebrows,

"Good timing it seems, Alphonse was just saying he got injured." She looked a bit sad.

Edward immediately felt guilty all over again for having hurt his brother, it hadn't been intentional at all but it still made him feel sick to think about. Hurting Alphonse physically, however accidental, was as bad as hurting him emotionally, Ed would rather suffer all the pain in the world than cause his little brother any harm.

"Eh, yeah, it was an accident." Ed mumbled and he glanced at Al when the younger blonde quickly added that he had been careless, probably trying make Edward feel less bad.

After all these years and all their trials together, Al still tried to ease his burden whenever he could, it warmed Edward's heart and only made him love his younger brother that much more.

Gracia was smiling and looked like she was about to say something when a guy that Edward had hardly noticed walked over to them and put his arm around her. Ed's guard went up immediately and he swept his eyes over the taller guy, he looked like a male version of Gracia in a lot of ways. Similar skin tone, similar hair and eye color, he wore clothes of neutral browns and beiges, his overall outfit was a golf shirt, a knee length Bermuda shorts with sandals and he looked laid back and friendly…

…Edward didn't like him.

The man smiled at Gracia and they exchanged some words before he turned to face the two brothers and flashed a smile,

"Hi there." He said pleasantly. Edward just stared at him.

Gracia introduced him as 'Jackson', her voice was light and sweet and Ed's dislike lessened a fraction at how delighted she sounded at introducing the guy who was obviously her boyfriend judging by the arm around her shoulder and the way they looked at each other. When she went on to tell Jackson who he and Alphonse were the man kept smiling but he had a look of recognition in his eyes now and he extended his hand to shake.

Edward shook his hand first, the guy had extended it to him since they were standing on the same side, also he felt like he had to accept the hand offered since Gracia was watching and Ed didn't want to do anything to take that warm smile off her face. When Jackson reached to shake Al's hand Edward glanced at his younger brother and he saw the underlying worry in his sibling's expression, Ed looked down to his full hands and realized Al had no free hand to shake…his only option was…

When he saw Alphonse's expression slip into resignation he acted quickly, not willing to let his sweet younger brother embarrass himself in front of a woman he looked up to, Edward reached out,

"Let me help you with that, Al." he said casually and didn't miss the relief that came over Al's face as he nodded, a faint blush gracing his cheeks as he let go of what he held for Ed to take.

Edward just smiled and took everything Al held, including the lube, as quickly as he could without it being obvious that Al was hiding something behind his back. Once he had everything in hand he took advantage of the effect Al's distractingly bright smile had on people –in this case Jackson and Gracia- and he pushed the small bottle into his back pocket so he wouldn't have to hold it.

When he looked back up Alphonse was gesturing toward him and specifying who was who and then Gracia's boyfriend nodded and gestured to Ed,

"I've seen pictures of you at Gracia's house," he tilted his head to Al next, "but not you Alphonse."

After all these years it still grated on Edward's nerves that Al was never recognized, even if it made sense that he wouldn't be by anyone who had never had the pleasure of meeting him or seeing his face, still it rubbed Ed the wrong way. Gracia saved him the trouble of snapping at the older man about the fact that Alphonse was in  _all_  the same pictures as him at her house when she spoke up,

"You have, Jack, Alphonse is the one in the armor, he went through a phase." She obviously remembered she couldn't reveal the truth about them and she said it so casually that Edward was grateful to her.

Their secret had been spread among of lot of people in the questing years but since Al's restoration Edward had been far more guarded about it, he wanted Alphonse to live without questions and interrogations about their past as much as possible. Edward watched as Jackson nodded at Al, looking ever so skeptical about Al's size in comparison to the 7 foot armor no doubt, but Ed couldn't really blame him for that. It was a logical thing to wonder about…but the guy was lucky he didn't ask cause the older blonde would have told him to mind his own fucking business.

Just then someone exclaimed Gracia's name and she turned around to look down the aisle, she recognized whoever it was because she smiled happily and excused herself before she went over to say hi. Edward kept his eyes on Jackson, still feeling like he needed to analyze the man a little more.

He noticed how adoringly he looked after Gracia as she walked over to her friend and then he heard the warmth and affection in the older man's tone as he spoke about her, mentioning that she talked about Ed and Al as if they were her surrogate sons.

Edward saw his opportunity to lay down the law with the guy,

"Yeah, she's  **very**  important to us…" he stated pointedly, using his warning tone of voice.

When the guy looked at him a little surprised by the terse tone of voice Ed was fully prepared to threaten the man and let him know just how lightly he needed to tread where Gracia was concerned…but Alphonse spoke up and as usual, diffused all of Ed's tension with his soothing voice of reason,

"We love Mrs. Hughes like a mother, is what my brother means to stress, sir." Al said it with a small smile but firmly enough that it'd be taken seriously, easily able to stay on the side of polite cautioning using grace that Edward could never hope to have, "So naturally we're a bit shocked to see her with someone since we had no idea." Al finished, making his point perfectly without even raising his voice.

With Edward there was a fine line between calm and angry, yet with Alphonse there were many different smiles and tones of voice he used when dealing with people. Edward would have envied and been annoyed by him for such a talent –like he was where Mustang was concerned- but he loved Al too much to grudge him even the ability to manipulate people with the right smile or words.

Even when that same manipulation had been used on him quite a few times…

Jackson seemed to understand Al's reasoning –not surprisingly- and he smiled as he said that he understood how they felt, pointing out that he knew how close they'd been to Maes Hughes and that he had no expectations of just being accepted and liked by the people who knew Maes.

_'Damn right…'_  Edward thought with a slight narrowing of one eye as Jackson continued speaking.

"But I want only the best for Gracia and Elysia, I promise." He said it so sincerely Edward had a hard time thinking he was just putting on an act for them, "Actually, that reminds me..." he said quietly all of a sudden and Ed raised a suspicious eyebrow at the change of tone.

Jackson went on to tell them it was Gracia's birthday that Friday, which was news to Edward since neither he nor Al had known of her birthday in all the years they'd known her and when he mentioned that she hadn't celebrated in years, it sort of made sense.

Edward and Alphonse had only met Maes when they were 15 and 14 years old, when they'd been stationed in Central for a short while and it wasn't all that long after they'd met him…that he'd been killed. It made sense to Ed that Gracia had probably stopped celebrating her birthday since then, of course he was guessing because he didn't actually know.

Jackson also said that he'd told Roy Mustang about the party, Edward found himself wondering what Mustang had thought about it. Maes had been his best friend after all, surely getting a call from Gracia's new boyfriend must have upset him on some level. Finally Jackson got to his point and asked Ed and Al to be there and Edward didn't miss a beat, voicing the first discrepancy that came to mind from the man's blabbering,

"How would you have asked us if you hadn't just met us?" he asked stiffly.

The older man looked wide eyed and innocent on the subject,

"Well, I figured Roy Mustang would contact you about it. Gracia says you're friends with him." he explained.

Edward would have been annoyed at being referenced as Roy's friend on any other day, except it was not important in that particular conversation and anyway, for all Gracia knew about him and Mustang, it was probably normal that she'd assume they were friends, having known each other for so long.

So he didn't correct the man and instead focused on the important thing,

"Mustang's an idiot." He stated plainly, he'd seen the Mustang just that morning and the bastard hadn't mentioned anything about Gracia or a birthday party, so really, the older man was a moron, "We'll be there, right Al?" he said surely and glanced at his sibling.

Alphonse looked a little confused but agreed readily enough.

Jackson looked amused,

"Great, you can bring your wives or girlfriends along as well, and children if you have any." He said it seriously but Edward found the statement just irritated him and Alphonse looked uncertain of how to respond to that. The older man went on to share some more pleasantries and Ed couldn't help thinking the guy talked  _way_  too much.

When Jackson was finally done yapping and Edward was forced to shake hands with him again, he was glad the conversation was over, he couldn't remember the last time he'd spoken to someone so benign and annoying. Alphonse said bye to Gracia loudly and Ed waved a hand at her as well, when she announced that they should come for dinner sometime he smiled,

"We will." He said and glanced at Al who had said it at exactly the same time.

They smiled at each other, that hadn't happened in a long time, where they'd speak at the same time or finish each other's sentences, it was yet another thing that seemed to simply fall into place and while he still worried it was too easy, he also hoped there'd be no strings attached to it.

Once Gracia and her boyfriend were no longer taking notice of them from the end of the aisle, he reached into his back pocket and took out the lubricant, holding it out of sight so only he and Al could see it and he watched as Al turned red all over again but he looked ashamed instead of embarrassed.

For that reason Edward didn't bother to ask any pertinent questions about Al's reasons for having picked up the lube, he settled for the question that was most important right then,

"Were you going to buy this?" he asked quietly and unobtrusively.

Alphonse still looked uncomfortable despite Ed's effort to not make it a big deal and he shook his head, glancing down the aisle at Gracia before he looked back to Edward. The older blonde accepted that as an answer and put the lube back on the shelf just behind Al before he stood up straight again and sighed quietly,

"Let's go, Al." he said gently, still trying to sooth Al's obvious unease.

All the while, his own unease was starting to build.

* * *

Alphonse was in the kitchen making something small for supper; it wasn't even 6 pm yet.

Edward was standing in his bedroom looking at himself in his full length mirror; he wore only his boxer shorts.

He had a small frown on his face as he trailed his eyes over his torso in his reflection, over his many unsightly scars, the ugliest and most discolored of which were the unnaturally multi-tonal brown colored scars over his right shoulder and pectoral and over his ribs on his left side. There were many others but they were less noticeable because they were smaller or thinner from cuts and stab wounds.

Edward had never been ashamed of his automail, his discretion had always been more a case of disliking the attention of forward questions that came with people seeing a child with two missing limbs. He'd also never been ashamed of the scars he'd acquired over the years, every time he'd taken a cut to his flesh, or been hit by scraps of flying rubble or a weapon that would take some flesh and blood away with it, he'd never thought much of it.

It had all been for Alphonse.

As a young teen with a goal he'd never given a rat's ass, anyone who knew him well enough never looked twice at his scars or automail…

…but then he'd achieved his goal and restored Alphonse and suddenly, the different aspects of life he'd previously been uninterested in were things he could start taking part in and notice of.

Society, normal work, leisure travel, fun, friends…lovers…

The first time Edward took his clothes off in front of 'a lover' had been strange, the girl had been his own age, he'd been 18 and a virgin in  _every_  way. She was the first girl he'd let himself become interested in when he'd been living in Risembool and to this day he knew it was only because Winry had been seeing someone at the time herself.

He hadn't been nervous about stripping naked, Edward had never been ashamed of his body…not for any reason. It wasn't until the girl had stared at him…with pity…that he'd become uncomfortable. And from then on, he'd always had to deal with the moment after he took his clothes off to see a lovers reaction before he proceeded to ignore it and get to the point.

Funnily enough, not a single person was ever put off having sex with him once they saw him naked, it was just as if for a split second they'd feel sorry for him and Edward  **hated**  that. Still, he didn't blame them, when people saw scars they assumed –rightfully so- that the person wearing them had gone through some sort of hard life.

It really couldn't be helped so he'd gone on to deal with it but he'd never had much of a connection with any of his lovers, not in any way that would make him consider dating or taking their involvement in his life seriously.

It was just the way things had always been for him and that was why Winry had been the only person he'd have even considered settling down with. She was the one person he'd always had feelings for that had seen him at his worst, his best and with every scar he had and never once had she looked at him with pity.

Sadness, admiration, anger, frustration, grief, worry…love…he could name many looks he'd seen on her when she'd regarded him over the years, but never ever pity. Maybe it was because she was an automail mechanic and was used to people who had to live with lost limbs, maybe because she believed people who could go through awful things and come out strong and well were brave and she admired them…or maybe just because she knew people didn't appreciate pity, much like she herself didn't…for whatever reason, Winry never looked at him like he was an injured bird.

The only other people who'd ever looked at him without pity were Alphonse, Pinako, Izumi and Mustang. Even his own bastard father had looked at him with pity when he'd thought Edward wasn't looking…

_'Fucking lousy excuse for a father…'_  he thought with a certain love/hate emotion for his father flitting through his gut.

Out of those four people, only two had ever seen him completely naked and Pinako didn't count because he'd been a little boy when she'd last seen him bare and he'd had no scars then. So only Alphonse counted because he'd seen Ed naked…well pretty much every time Edward had taken a shower and dressed afterward.

Still, neither Pinako nor Alphonse had been people he'd been –sanely- able to consider as future romantic partners as an adult and Mustang never even factored in to begin with…

…that had left Winry.

While she'd never seen him naked, she'd seen everything but his private areas which was almost the same thing.

She'd made the most sense to his logical mind as 'wife' material.

He raised his left hand and ran his fingers over the scar tissue on his right shoulder, it was ugly, veiny and smooth…it would always be. Anyone he'd have settled down with would have had to accept him for exactly the way he looked and the way he was as a person.

Edward sighed and looked away from the mirror, Winry really had seemed like the only option for a lifelong partner…until Alphonse had changed  **everything**.

If Edward was honest with himself, brutally honest, to the point where it'd sicken him…

…he would admit that Alphonse was  **perfect**  for him.

He took a deep breath and turned to take a clean shirt and jeans out of his wardrobe, he'd discovered pizza on his shirt upon returning home and so he decided to change his clothes.

The fact was that Alphonse –aside from being his flesh and blood brother- suited him in every possible way. Edward hadn't really thought that he favored any gender when it came to sexual partners, he liked both men and women and had certainly been with more females than males, but…now when he thought about it, he could admit his best sexual experiences had been with men.

Alphonse was a man…and he suited Edward's visual tastes from the soft dark ash blonde hair on his head all the way down every lean inch of muscle on his stunning body…to his ten perfect toes.

Alphonse was intelligent, a genius actually, he had all the same interests as Edward, he was the perfect balance in personality to Edward's own, he was physically on par when it came to fighting, sparring, lifestyle…

He was  _everything_ Edward wasn't…he was beautiful and…Edward loved him so much it was immeasurable.

Edward pulled his clean shirt on,

_'But that love is brotherly, had he and I not been born brothers…there's no guarantee we'd even like each other as people.'_  and he knew he was right about that.

Their love, their bond, their dedication to one another, was brotherly…all the new romantic and sexual feelings were just amplified because of that.

Still Alphonse was his perfect match if there was such a thing in the world.

And between Winry and Alphonse…there really was no question of who he'd choose. He'd already chosen.

He buttoned up the jeans he'd pulled on as his thoughts drifted to the painful and unsettling fact that the relationship he and Alphonse had been having was now over…and how while it bothered him, it wasn't really a cripplingly emotional pain like he'd expected.

Edward was in love with Alphonse, he knew that, but he also knew it wasn't the same as the way Al was in love with him. The kind of love Al had for him seemed far more…passionate and…natural.

It was the sort of 'in love' Edward supposed two unrelated people experienced when they'd fall in love with one another, as much as it disturbed him to think about it he supposed it was the way his mother and father might have felt for one another, also Izumi and Sig, Maes and Gracia…heck…maybe Roy Mustang had even had a few lovers like that.

The point was, Edward's version of 'in love' was something that grew from his brotherly feelings for Alphonse. So their expressions of love were different, Ed wasn't desperate for intimate physical contact with Al, he didn't yearn for romantic attention and closeness, he didn't feel jealously over Elizabeth quite as much as he supposed he would have had Alphonse not been his brother, but just a serious boyfriend.

The entire situation was different for each of them, he'd seen the lust and adoration in Al's eyes whenever they'd shared intimate moments, it was different than any look of admiration or affection he'd ever remembered being gazed at with when they been just brothers. He never personally felt uncontrollable lust when he was with Alphonse, well maybe sometimes when he got carried away, but for the most part, all he felt was a deep overpowering need to please and satisfy.

To make Alphonse happy, to make him feel fulfilled and loved…in every aspect.

Yet his brotherly feelings had hindered him in doing even that much sometimes.

He distractedly picked his belt up from the bed and started to loop it into his jeans as he wondered whether Alphonse was able to see the difference between their feelings, did Alphonse know that Edward's feelings weren't quite as…simple? Edward frowned as he stood buckling up his belt, now fully dressed and staring at the wall, he realized something he hadn't thought about before. Al's feelings for him were  **simple** , when Alphonse spoke of loving him, it was without confusion or guilt, the younger blonde only felt guilty because of his actions in getting Edward to 'be' with him, not because of how he felt.

Edward realized that it was his own feelings for Alphonse that were complicated, his unnatural love, his sexual attraction, his strange new emotions, the pleasure he got from just being physically close to Al…all of them were a byproduct…of them being brothers turned lovers.

He blinked a few times and ran his hand over his mouth as he continued frowning, a small amount of panic setting in as he considered what he'd just realized. If his realization was as blatant as he thought, then that meant that he was the one that was sick, or at least, more so than Alphonse.

_'Alphonse was without a body and any human physical feelings for years, he loved me as a brother without actually feeling anything. Only his mind held the knowledge of our biological relation. so for him to develop romantic feelings for me…is far less disturbing…than me developing feelings for him, since I_ _ **always**_ _felt for him as a brother.'_ His frown deepened before it eased into a miserable look and he sighed heavily.

Alphonse hadn't fallen in love with Edward as a brother,

_'…he fell…in love with me…as…a man.'_  He felt weird even thinking that, but it was the conclusion he'd come to,  _'I'm the one who fell in love with him…for being my brother.'_  he didn't know if that was a bad thing since it made Al happy to be with him, but he knew it wasn't a good one.

In a way it could be thought of as better because Ed could be objective about separating the two relationships. He found it easier to step back and let Alphonse be with someone else, knowing that while it'd hurt him, in the end seeing Alphonse, his little brother, happy, healthy and living his life, would make him happy and his life would go on. But it also meant that…he would probably not ever really have a problem with giving and receiving affection from Alphonse as a brother…or a lover…because he'd  _accepted_  that the two relationships were merged.

He was starting to get a headache, over analyzing again as he usually did when it came to Alphonse. But his thoughts were scaring him because it meant that Alphonse may very well get over his unnatural love for Edward if given enough time, the same way that when two people broke up, they eventually moved on to find love and happiness with someone else. Whereas Edward would never really and truly be able to separate the two different types of love for Alphonse… because they'd become intertwined and the one now relied on the other.

His need to try to give Alphonse everything, anything, all the time and make him as happy as he could be in their romantic relationship was fuelled entirely by his –unconditional- love for Al as a  **brother**.

Just the same as his guilt and inability to really be an uninhibited lover to Alphonse conflicted with his moral and familial dedication, his responsibility to protect and his devotion as a brother.

Edward lowered his eyes to stare at his bed that he now slept in alone,

"Once again…" he said quietly to himself, "…I get royally fucked by life. I have to push Alphonse into the arms of the perfect girl for him, while I'll always feel conflicting needs to be with him, as a brother and lover." he smiled bitterly to himself, "Well Elric, it's not like you're not used to shoveling shit…" he raised his eyebrows, all tense emotion leaving his face.

Edward was content to suffer if it was for Alphonse, he took it in his stride actually.

He walked back to the mirror and looked over his hair bringing his long ponytail forward before he ran his fingers through it, he looked over the ends and he decided it needed a trim to get rid of the dry ends.

"Edward?" there was a soft knock on his door, "Supper's ready." Alphonse informed audibly.

Ed gave himself one final look over, his overall visage was somewhere between exhausted and resigned, before he turned and started toward the door, ready to eat a delicious meal cooked by his beloved younger brother.

* * *

When the glass hit the sink bottom and broke, Edward immediately felt his insides tense and his defenses came up slightly. He knew, he just  _knew_ what the conversation that would follow the broken glass would be.

"Crap, sorry." Alphonse sighed beside him and Edward glanced at him just in time to see him reaching for the glass bits. Ed reached out quickly and stopped Al's hands, he wanted to ask why Al was going to pick the glass up but the questions that would follow that he didn't want to answer so instead he said,

"Don't worry about it Al, I'll throw it out when we're done." He would rather pick up broken glass bits and toss them instead of Al doing it.

Alphonse looked at him with wide eyes and then a blink,

"Throw it out? Why don't we just fix it?" he asked and Edward let go of his wrists because his tension increased and he didn't want to squeeze Al's wrists. He turned back to the task of washing the dishes and he picked up another glass; he started to wash it,

"Oh yeah, sure Al, go ahead and fix it then." He mumbled.

Alphonse wasn't being unreasonable and if he wanted to fix the stupid glass, Edward wasn't going to argue with him about it, it was just a dumb glass anyway.

"Why don't you fix it Ed, I'll finish up the dishes…I'm a little tired and nauseous." Alphonse suggested and Ed slowed his washing, narrowing his eyes at the dish water,

"Okay," Ed said as evenly as possible, trying to squash the suspicion he felt for Alphonse's lame excuse of why he didn't want to fix the glass, "I'll sort it out, let's finish the dishes first."

He was done washing the intact glass so he opened the tap over the second sink and started to rinse it, with his mind rushing through thoughts of how to avoid having to discuss the alchemy he had quite frankly forgotten about the broken glass and in the second it took him to notice the finer pieces slipping down the drain, Al reacted,

"Ed…the glass." Alphonse said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world as he shut the water off.

Edward took a deep slow breath, he'd heard the lightest touch of accusation in Al's tone and he felt annoyed now himself, sure that the conversation was about to go down the same road it often did when something fixable by alchemy would break. Ed sighed,

"Forget it Al, I'll throw it out." He forced himself to speak calmly as he turned the slightly soapy glass over in his hand and reached for the tap again,

"Why don't you just  **fix**  it?" Alphonse insisted and Edward went from 0 to 100 on his temper scale instantly,

"Why the fuck don't you just let me throw it out!?" he yelled before he could stop himself and even though Alphonse flinched back he stated the obvious loudly, "It's a fucking glass, I'll buy a new set tomorrow!"

He watched as Alphonse blinked at him a few times before a thoughtful frown settled on his face. Edward sighed wearily and turned his gaze to the tap as he reopened it wider than before, that time purposefully running the water enough to wash away the broken shards as he rinsed the glass in hand.

Alphonse didn't say anything.

He started to feel bad as he always did when he would raise his voice at Alphonse,

"Sorry for shouting." He mumbled and turned the tap off, making tense silence fall between them as he handed Al the glass to dry off. After a second Al took the glass from his hand and he heard the younger sigh,

"I'm sorry…for insisting, it's just a stupid glass." He said quietly.

Edward didn't respond, not having anything to say, he just picked up a bowl and started washing it distractedly. He knew that he'd probably given away a lot to his genius younger brother by that reaction. It wouldn't be hard for Alphonse to start drawing conclusions about his inability to use alchemy at the rate he was going, being hostile about discussing work and hostile about fixing anything, he never used his alchemy and he never talked about it anymore either, it was probably starting to become obvious.

If it'd been him trying to figure it out, that'd be one of the things he might have guessed. He felt a little guilty about keeping such a huge secret from Al, he suspected that if Al didn't trust him so much, the younger blonde might have considered Edward was lying about his alchemy from the very beginning.

Before his thoughts could drift any further, Edward was slightly shocked at the feeling of Alphonse's arms slipping around his mid torso, warm hands clutched his shirt against his chest and while he didn't tense at the familiar contact, he did frown at the strangeness of it all.

_'Since I came home this afternoon he's been so touchy-feely, yet he decided it was over between us.'_  It would always disturb him to refer to their relationship like that of a couple but whether he liked it or not, it was exactly what they'd been for a while.

"I'm sorry, Ed." Alphonse sighed against his skin and Edward closed his eyes and squashed the dishwashing sponge tightly in his hand at the sensation of Al's lips ghosting over the back of his neck.

He swallowed thickly and let the bowl and sponge slip from his hands into the sink before he leaned his hands on the sides of the sink, his newly acknowledged feelings of brotherly and lover-like affection making him feel uncertain and irritable,

"Alphonse…" he sighed the name, not really even realizing he was saying it aloud,

"Hm?" until Al responded, sounded about as content as anytime they'd fallen asleep next to one another.

Edward blinked slowly as he watched the thousands of tiny soap suds slowly dissolving and he asked the question that had been subconsciously worrying him,

"Today at the pharmacy…why were you holding the lube?" he asked calmly even though he felt nervous and yet too curious about what the answer would be.

Ed knew he shouldn't ask, he knew he should let it go…he knew he shouldn't bring up anything about their previous sexual relations or anything pertaining to it, he knew…but he wanted to know because some terribly conflicted part of him had feelings for Alphonse and needed to know the answer to that question.

Alphonse sighed against his skin again and his arms squeezed a little tighter,

"I…I was just reading the label, that's all." His vague answer didn't match the action of brushing his lips over Ed's skin and the older blonde felt his frustration at Al's misleading behavior rise,

"I shouldn't have asked, it's not my business anymore, sorry, Al." he finally decided to let the subject drop, for all he knew Al was looking at that product for another reason, maybe another person.

It hadn't even been the usual lube Al favored, so maybe it was something new for someone new. As he started to rewash the same bowl, Edward swallowed sorely and tried not to think of another man fucking Alphonse. It made him incredibly  **angry**. Envisioning a woman with Al made him a little moody, a little nauseous and he felt hurt, but the idea of a man just  _pissed_  him off.

"What do you mean, it's not your business?" Alphonse asked against his skin and Edward's already flaring irritability felt as though it might worsen, he gave up on the dishes and pushed away from sink because he needed to walk away and cool off. He was slightly relieved when Al gave him some space,

"Your reasons for what you buy or look at...it's not my business." Ed said as he dried his hands off on the dish cloth that Al had left next to the abandoned glass, he felt like a lie down would do him some good, he'd never handled emotions very well and it always made him tired.

He turned to leave the kitchen and the conversation he was sure would lead to absolutely nothing good but then Alphonse spoke up, sounding hurt and sad,

"I was thinking about me and you when I looked at it, Edward." He said quietly.

Edward's feelings became chaotic in an instant, thinking of all the things that statement could mean, bad and good and he turned around, exhaustion washing over him from Al's confusing behavior,

"But  **why** …?"

Alphonse frowned at him and looked just a bit upset at the question, Edward wouldn't have understood it if not for the words that followed,

"I can't help it, I'm trying to manage my feelings…" Edward narrowed his eyes, "but I still-…"

"This was your choice Alphonse." he cut the younger blonde off, stating the facts.

Even though he knew he shouldn't be talking about it, even though he knew Al was making the right decision and that he should let it go.

"I know that! Okay…but I'm doing it for you!" Alphonse raised his voice now, frowning and looking confused and upset and frustrated all at once. His words made Edward shake his head, it was the same shit, just a different day,

"You're hurting yourself for  **me**?" he asked Al with a tired frown, "You think for a second I  **want**  you to do that for me?" he shook his head again.

Alphonse only looked sadder and as if he might start to cry, Edward imagined he was battling with his guilt and his will and Ed  **knew** he should drop the subject.

"It's the right thing isn't it Edward?" he sounded so desperate and confused Edward felt a lump rise in his throat, "You said it so many times," Al continued, "I knew you were right, we're brothers, we're not sup-…supposed to be anything else." He sounded like he was hurting, his voice was strained.

"You decide that  **now**?" Edward asked just as desperately, "That was a decision that needed to be made before we started sleeping together!" he pointed out the obvious again, grabbing his hair as his headache from earlier returned with a vengeance. Alphonse threw his hands up, his voice was higher pitched when he shouted next,

"I know I fucked up! I know it okay! I'm not denying that, I'm trying to make it right!" he half defended and half confessed, looking like it was so confusing to him that he didn't even know what to do anymore.

Edward stepped closer, every part of him was demanding that he comfort Alphonse, but he didn't know if he should do so as a brother or a lover,

"And I love you for that…" he told Alphonse softly, gently and very honestly, "…but Al, you should know that hurting yourself for me will  **not**  make me happy." He stressed to his little brother.

He saw a shift in Al's expression and his body, he seemed to slouch as though defeated, his nostrils flared a few times as his breathing increased becoming anxious and his eyes started to look a little watery. Edward didn't know what to say to stop those tears that seemed inevitable, tears of guilt and confusion.

He  **knew**  he was making this harder for Alphonse, he knew he should not be asking for reasons and giving Al a way back into their unhealthy relationship…yet he couldn't help it, because the brotherly part that wanted Al to be happy told him –surely- that Alphonse would only be so if they were lovers.

It was so confusing for him as well, yet it was only Al's feelings that mattered at all.

He didn't step away when Alphonse moved closer to him, close enough to breathe in Ed's exhales and so close that Ed could smell his soft, warm skin and feel the heat radiating from his face and body. Edward took in a slow calming breath as his senses were overwhelmed by Al for the moment and his emotions swarmed against each other when Al's soft hands cradled his face,

"It'll stop…hurting…eventually, I love you more than eno-ugh to get by with just being b-brothers…"

Edward's brotherly feelings started to dominate at hearing those words, his mind starting to close off all of the other feelings in order to formulate the appropriate physical response to Al's reassurance of his decision to end things…that was of course, until the younger blonde kissed him. Confused once again, Edward tried to ease back from Al's soft slightly moist lips,

"Al…wha-…" he tried to speak but Alphonse pulled him forward somewhat forcefully by the back of his neck and Edward's breath hitched at the rough action followed by a confident and eager tongue slipping into his mouth.

Ed frowned slightly as he was kissed, it was rushed and moist and Alphonse didn't seem too concerned with how uncoordinated and messy it was…and Ed didn't mind all that much either since he felt his body react rather quickly to the feeling of Al's tongue slipping wetly and erratically in and out of his mouth.

His hesitation to respond faded and he started to kiss back, going along with Al's messy kissing as he felt Al's warm hands slide up into his hair. The younger blonde breathed a small noise that made Ed's brotherly side slip into the background. Al's hands ran down his neck hastily and then over Ed's chest to where they settled on his belt buckle, Ed swallowed –tasting Alphonse's saliva as he did so- and pulled back from the kiss with a heavy exhale.

Alphonse seemed equally halted by the moment and where exactly it might be headed, his stunning eyes were half lidded with desire but his brow was knitted with uncertainty. Edward glanced between their bodies only an inch apart, he watched as Al's delicate thin fingers played along his silver buckle nervously.

Right then, Edward decided that he wouldn't say no to whatever Al decided. It was left for his younger brother to figure out what he wanted, Ed just wanted to see his face express anything but the anguish, guilt and confusion he was seeing right then, even if it was lust, he'd take it, he'd give Al what he needed and wanted.

That had been their choice in the first place.

Edward took note of it that time, the merging of his brotherly and lover-like feelings for Alphonse, but he didn't fight it, it was what it was and he couldn't change it, he had to deal with it because in the end it didn't matter which feeling dominated, so long as Al was happy.

He was just wondering with soreness starting to grow in his stomach whether or not Al would be disgusted knowing that Edward's brotherly feelings factored into their relationship, since Alphonse obviously felt for him without their brotherhood being an issue…but then Alphonse licked his lips and Edward came back to the moment with the feeling of Al's tongue skimming over his bottom lip.

A few seconds later Edward heard and felt his buckle being tugged open and he knew what Al's decision was,

_'He still wants to be with me…'_  he didn't know why he thought it, or why it mattered so much to him, but all the same he kissed Alphonse while his younger brother removed the pin from his belt hole with lightly shaking hands.

Edward didn't know why Al was shaking, they'd had sex so many times he knew Alphonse usually only started trembling once they got to the part where they were naked. And even then, it was only usually because the younger blonde would be overwhelmed with sensitivity and sexual anticipation by that point…that was different from the apprehensive shaking Ed suspected Al was having presently.

Then Edward realized he was also shaking…and suddenly what they were doing felt almost…forced.

Alphonse pulled back from the kiss just as his hand tugged Edward forward by the front of his jeans as Al stepped backward,

"On the…" Al kissed his lips, soft and wet, "…table…" he kissed again and Ed held his breath at the words.

His feelings started to conflict again, the dominating ones were brotherly and telling him to say 'no' and take Alphonse to the bedroom where he could lay him down in a comfortable appropriate place. But another sort of emotion deep within the rest, one that was indiscernible and may well have been born of both sides of his feelings was insisting he gave Al what he wanted.

_'I never made him happy enough before, he wanted this sort of thing…I shouldn't say no, he must be so tired of me letting him down…'_

And as it sunk in for him that he'd be fucking Alphonse on the kitchen table, his shaking and desire both increased and he took a few deep quick breaths as he regarded his younger brother's flushed and lust filled expression.

_'Give him what he needs…'_  Edward told himself and he started to pull Al's shirt up over his head.

The minute Ed had the cotton shirt off he felt a tug on his jeans front and he glanced down to find his jeans buttons were open and the outline of his sinful arousal was visible through his boxers. In the next moment Edward found himself pulled between Al's legs as the younger blonde sat atop the table, when Alphonse pulled him closer Ed did the same so their bodies were flush and their arousals were pressed together through their clothes.

Edward was tempted to grind against Alphonse, to rub his straining erection against Al's, just to get some friction but as it usually did, his brotherly side told him not to, so he didn't. Instead he focused on Alphonse's lips when he was kissed again…but when Al's legs wrapped around his waist tightly Edward grabbed Alphonse's thighs and couldn't help moving his hips just a bit when his arousal spiked.

Alphonse made a quiet moan and squeezed Ed tighter between his legs, kissing Edward deeply and breathily, something about the entire situation turned Edward on more than usual…

…Alphonse wanted it and like so many times before, Edward would give him what he wanted while sating his own shameful desires for his little brother. Nothing had really changed, except now Alphonse was uncertain of their actions and was shaking while Ed felt as though he was functioning with an on and off switch controlled by Alphonse.

Right then he was 'on' though, the younger blonde's choice to have sex was dictating Ed's actions.

Edward's hands slid along Al's jean clad thighs to find his button before he pulled it open. Alphonse broke the kiss with a shaky breath as Edward started to pull down his zipper, they were both flush and frowning slightly, the entire situation felt wrong somehow but Ed wasn't going to say anything.

Al looked into his face and he stared right back, Ed searched for a change in decision…hoped even…yet not because he was painfully hard and his blood was rushing through his veins at an accelerated speed.

Still his sweat was slightly cold, his breathing was slightly difficult and Al was still frowning. Ed leaned his forehead against Al's and closed his eyes,

_'Yes or no?'_  he asked mentally, needing to know whether to continue since it was Al's decision.

It was whatever Al wanted.

When Alphonse rose his hips so his jeans could be pulled off…there was never a more obvious request for Ed to continue than that. Still Al's noticeable shaking concerned Edward as he pulled Alphonse's jeans and underwear down to his knees. Once he'd revealed Al's nudity, Ed's gaze lingered on the younger blonde's fully hard erection as it twitched against his stomach, a dusky pink color and wet at the tip showing his physical excitement. Ed licked his lips absently right when there was a knock at the main door and he felt his insides turn cold with shock and his face drain of color.

_'Calm down, the door is locked…'_  he told himself quickly, even though he was clutching Al's jeans and underwear in a vice grip, panicking subconsciously about who the fucking hell was at their door.

He looked at Alphonse, not sure what the younger blonde was thinking and when Al looked at him he also seemed just a bit pale himself,

"Ignore it." He whispered.

Edward wanted to say 'no' again, he wanted to say it was too risky to do anything with someone who might stay, go and come back or anything outside of their door…Alphonse tended to be loud during sex…it was too risky…

There were so many reasons that it was a bad idea but when he looked into his younger brother's flush face and the need that shone so clearly in his green eyes, Edward could not…say no…

…so he pulled Alphonse's jeans completely off and Al's boxer-briefs slipped from his ankles to fall atop the jeans on the tiles before Edward looked over his naked younger brother. His eyes lingered on the dark purple bruise, as ugly as it was, it didn't change the fact that Alphonse was perfect, every inch of skin, every muscle…everything…

Edward touched Al's trembling thighs –his guilty pleasure was Al's smooth sensitive thighs- running his slightly rough hands over the soft skin, his arousal throbbed inside of his jeans at the texture of it, velvety skin over firm muscle. Yes, he most certainly was not innocent in all of this, he wanted Al…it wasn't a furious lust that drove him crazy or caused him to lose control of his brotherly cognizance but it was a strong desire…one that burned hot and bright…and only for the love of his life.

Who just so happened to be his brother…

"Kiss me, please Edward." Alphonse reached for him and Edward was helpless to deny Al's lightly pink, moist and quivering lips. He kissed Al just as the younger blonde's hand slipped down the front of his boxers and when Al's soft hand wrapped around Edward's cock, he squeezed Alphonse's thighs again a bit tighter.

Then was another knock and Edward felt the same burn of panic and shock run through him –he'd just about forgotten someone was at the door. Alphonse didn't seem bothered though as his initial touch became firmer and he started to rub his palm along what he could reach of Ed's erection in his constraining clothes. They continued to kiss and ignore the anonymous visitor, both frowning and Edward's paranoia of who was at the door making the hairs on his neck and arms stand even as Al hungrily kissed him…

…the atmosphere wasn't pleasant and Edward was starting to feel a little sick to his stomach and his body was reacting to the ill feeling, he could feel his arousal slipping as the tension mounted, especially since under his hands Alphonse was shaking twice as badly as before. Still, he didn't falter, not until Al drew back from the kiss,

"Edward…" he breathed the name in a tone that sounded like he might cry.

Edward paused with his lips to Al's jaw when the third knock sounded and he swallowed thickly, unsure of what the shaken breath of his name would mean,

"Yeah, Al?" he kissed Alphonse's lips sweetly, waiting for whatever would come next as his hands –guiltily- continued to caress Al's thighs.

"I ca-can't do this…" Alphonse practically sobbed and Edward felt the last of his arousal burn out, his insides did a painful flip and he swallowed sorely, exhaling heavily against Al's lips. When Alphonse looked at him next his eyes were filling with soon to be shed tears and he shook his head, "I can't do this to y-you. I can't say some-thing and t-then just take it back, you deserve to have what's right," he said haltingly and Edward blinked slowly at him, "please don't let m-me…" Alphonse pleaded.

Edward stepped back, ignoring his own lingering physical aches and needs, he gave Al his space as the younger blonde unsteadily pushed himself off the table,

"…don't let me do this to you, I'm not as strong as you…" he mumbled, sounding like he was in pain as his body shook with what Ed knew was anxiety and stress.

But he felt his tension melt away as he looked over Alphonse, the younger blonde was going through this for no other reason other than that he wanted to do what was right by Edward. He'd doubted Al's intentions towards him a few times recently but he knew now he was an idiot.

"You  **need**  to say no to me…" Alphonse said in a harsh whisper as tears slipped from his eyes finally.

Alphonse was pure, even though he was capable of hurting someone, it was never out of malicious intent if he did. He'd wanted Edward to love him differently, so he'd taken action to make it happen…Ed knew that deep down, Al had never wanted to hurt him…

Now Alphonse was damaged by his guilt, just like Edward was…

There was a fourth knock, loud and annoying, just when Alphonse bent over to pick up his underwear. Edward reacted immediately, stopping him and standing him up straight, not missing the grimaces of pain Al was expressing now that reality was setting back in and he was feeling his injuries and inner pains.

Edward crouched down, he'd only intended to help Alphonse put his underwear on so the younger blonde would not be completely naked but once he was down there and facing Al's trembling legs, his waning arousal and pale flesh, he felt the urge to kiss and touch come alive just a bit.

It was a bitter sweet feeling.

He would only have Alphonse if the younger blonde was willing to give but if Al said they couldn't, then they wouldn't. Edward would never go against him…regardless of what he wanted personally.

Everything between them was wrong and right somehow, simple yet complicated.

Alphonse stepped into the legs of his briefs and Edward heard him sob, the older blonde pulled the underwear up, letting his fingers skim over Al's legs as his eyes and hands ascended…he was tempted to kiss his younger brother's naked warm skin, from his thighs to his waist, his hips…his quivering stomach, his pert nipples…his throat…his lips…

…but he did none of it, because Alphonse had said they couldn't.

When Ed was standing again he gently released the elastic of Al's briefs so they sat on his waist, covering his main nudity and he held Al's waist lightly, inhaling the scent of his younger brother's sexually warmed skin and his shampoo scented hair, if not for the cold sweat on his skin, Edward would have felt calmed by the familiar scents.

Edward leaned his forehead against Al's and he listened to the younger blonde sob again quietly, no doubt overwhelmed by emotion and while Ed felt strangely calm –feeling only the ever present need to give Al what he wanted – he just sighed and asked one final time,

"Are you sure? I won't ask you again, Alphonse." and he meant it, if Al said he was sure then Edward would let him be.

He would help his brother move on and fall in love, move on to a healthy way of life where there'd be no pain eating away at his insides and they would be  _just_  brothers again…if that was what Al  **really**  wanted.

Alphonse nodded, however slightly, and Edward frowned just slightly as he felt something inside of him crumble, maybe it was the 'hope' he'd felt earlier. It was small and almost indistinguishable amongst his more prominent emotions but it felt like it was gone now.

Edward nodded; even though he didn't want to leave Al right then he stepped back completely,

"I'll…go and answer the door." He said slowly, evenly, feeling calm but sad.

It's not to say it didn't hurt at all…the emotional pain just wasn't as important as doing whatever Al thought was best. Edward left the kitchen as he hastily fastened up his jeans and belt, he walked down the hall quietly in only his socks, his automail not making much noise on the tile through the thick cotton. Now that he was out of Al's presence his anger for the person persistently knocking on the door returned and he stopped in the small entrance way to glare at the door.

He heard Al's bedroom slam just as another knock, just as insistent as all the others, sounded.

Edward wanted the person on the other side to get the hint and fuck off, he needed to go to Al and make sure his little brother was alright, there was a lot of repairing and rebuilding on their relationship that needed to be done and that was his obvious priority. He waited another few seconds leaning against the wall next to the entrance closet and when the next knock sounded Edward sighed irritability, at that point he figured the chances of whoever it was  _leaving_ was not just going to happen.

With a flare in his temper he walked to the door, subconsciously he wiped his hand over his mouth a few times and looked over himself to make sure he was presentable before he switched the latch back and turned the key to unlock it. When he swung the door open he made sure he looked murderous because he wasn't intending to say anything, he didn't want to yell at someone standing in the corridor and draw attention.

But when he saw Mustang standing in the doorway his stomach bottomed out and suddenly ignoring the knock and fucking Alphonse on the table seemed like it would have been a  **very** ,  **very** bad idea. But even though seeing the future Fuhrer made him numb with shock, it only lasted a moment because Mustang's presence also stabbed at Ed's irritation like a searing hot poker, particularly over the persistence the older man had knocked with.

Edward clenched his jaw and gripped the door handle so tightly it hurt his hand before he let the handle go and pulled the door open wider. He turned away from Mustang and walked into the lounge, having left the door open he waited until he heard it close and he turned to the lounge doorway. The moment Mustang stepped into the lounge he snapped,

"What the fuck are you doing knocking on the door like that, do you have any idea how fucking annoying that is!" he yelled at the older man.

Mustang raised his eyebrows lazily, as usual completely unphased by Ed's temper,

"I knew you were here, the reception lady said you and Alphonse came home a few hours ago and hadn't left again." He said as though it gave him any right to be such a relentless bastard.

Edward huffed and brushed his bangs behind his ears before he placed his hands on his hips,

"Did it ever occur to you that I was  **ignoring**  you?" Ed said with narrowed eyes.

Mustang had the nerve to smirk,

"Of course it did, why do you think I kept knocking?" he blinked.

Ed's eye twitched and he clenched one of his fists as he took a step forward, Mustang raised his hands defensively and stepped backwards,

"Calm down Ed, I've come in peace and with good intentions I swear…also this shirt is silk and it'll be ruined if it gets blood on it." He added with a lopsided grin. Edward closed the gap between them and even though Mustang's easygoing demeanor took the steam out of his anger, he was still frustrated enough to punch the older man in his right shoulder hard enough to hurt.

He owed him so much worse though for that morning.

Roy grabbed his shoulder and stifled a groan as his arm no doubt went numb and Edward grinned, feeling better after that,

"What the hell do you want, Mustang?" Ed asked almost sweetly and folded his arms across his chest.

Mustang looked a little pouty at being punched in his arm and Ed was tempted to laugh but he kept his cross face on,

"I came over to offer to take you and Al out to dinner or for some drinks." He said somewhat grouchily as he massaged his arm. Edward narrowed his eyes, nothing was ever so easy,

"What's the catch?"

Mustang deadpanned,

"Seriously, after all these years you still question my motives?" he asked sounding bored.

Edward gave him a suspicious once over, Mustang was dressed in full black much like Ed was except instead of a jeans and T shirt, he wore a –silk- shirt and a pair of flat front pants that fit him rather well.

Ed raised an eyebrow as he realized the fitted clothing made Roy look both slimmer and younger…

_'I knew that military uniform was bad for a reason, he usually looks so…frumpy in it.'_  He blinked away the thought when Mustang chuckled,

"Edward, I do wear normal clothes, stop frowning at me like I'm covered in dog shit." He said so casually Ed had to blink a few times to stay on track,

"I know that bastard, I've seen you in normal clothes before…like…twice or something." He tried to think back to the very few times he'd seen Mustang out of uniform, none of the memories –not even the News Year's party when he'd worn a tux- really stood out as much as the outfit he had on now did.

_'What the…?'_  Edward looked at him questionably,

"Why are you so dressed up anyway, if you think Al and I are gonna be your wing men while you pick up women all night you've got another thing coming."

Mustang rolled his eyes, having finally stopped rubbing his arm,

"There you go again, assuming the worst of me Edward, really…I'm not as bad as you think I am." He shook his head and glanced around the lounge.

It was only his second time being there.

"Yeah sure, whatever." Ed said unconvinced, his mind flitted back to Alphonse and whether he was okay as he looked over Mustang again. He frowned as he noted the expensive wristwatch the man wore with a few other pieces of plain gold jewelry, the way Roy's pitch black hair was swept over to the side looking so shiny and pin straight –like it'd been styled which made Edward want to laugh again- and…the noticeable scent of his cologne.

The entire scenario of Roy Mustang standing before him so looking and smelling so…

_'…no way…not attractive…weird, he looks weird.'_  Put Edward on edge.

_'Doesn't matter anyway.'_  He shook his head,

"Al and I can't go out, he's not well and I don't feel like it…" he said flatly once he'd gotten over Mustang's weird appearance. The older man had walked over to the book shelf to read through the titles and he turned to face the blonde when Ed spoke,

"What's the matter with Al, is everything alright?" there was that damned concern again.

Edward inhaled quietly and averted his gaze as his stomach knotted up with guilt,

"Yeah, it's nothing serious, we sparred the other day and he got hurt." He said quietly.

Mustang made a face just short of stunned,

"You  **hit**  Alphonse." he announced.

Edward unfolded his arms and clenched his fists,

"I didn't say that bastard." He said warningly.

Mustang blinked a few times,

"You didn't have to, I know you well enough to recognize guilt when I see it." Edward was ready to punch him properly that time, "But I know it must have been an accident, where did you…uh…did he get hit?" he amended his statement.

Edward thought him rather lucky he did, or he would have lost a few teeth.

"Yeah…I kneed him in his solar plexus, he didn't block fast enough." he mumbled as he gestured to his own mid-section, realizing now that his guilt was written on his face. Mustang's expression went from teasing and amused to empathizing,

"Ouch, I know what that feels like. I'm guessing it's his first time too, since having his body back." the older man frowned. Edward shrugged as his thoughts settled on Alphonse's  _real_  problem, he knew his younger brother was probably crying right then in his bedroom but Ed had to act normal around Roy,

"Yeah but he didn't take it too badly, it caught up with him later." He glanced toward the lounge doorway, feeling his worry for Al start to resurface fully now that he'd taken his frustration out on Mustang.

"Well, why don't you ask him anyway, maybe he'd enjoy going out for a relaxing dinner." Roy suggested harmlessly. Edward sighed and tried to think a reason to not ask Alphonse but he couldn't think of anything, he and Al needed to act ordinary and a stomach injury that was not severe wasn't reason enough to insist Al be left alone.

He nodded,

"Okay, I'll ask him…" Edward agreed and left the lounge, once he was out of sight from Mustang he frowned worriedly and took a steadying breath. He reached Alphonse's door and knocked lightly,

"Alphonse?" he called softly, "Mustang is here, he said he wants to take us out for dinner or drinks…" he said audibly, fully expecting Al to say no and then Ed would ask Mustang to leave…or throw him out, whichever he felt like, "…do you want to go?"

He waited to hear the answer he expected while wishing he could go into the bedroom and run his hand comfortingly through Al's hair, hold him while cried, tell him it was okay…

_'As soon as Mustang leaves…'_  Edward sighed again.

After a minute of no answer he tried again,

"Al?"

"No!" Alphonse shouted and Ed was shocked and pained at the rasp and note of misery in his tone of voice, he clenched his jaw and had to stop himself from entering the bedroom. He'd expected that answer though and he was about to walk away when Al continued, "You go, just leave me, I want to sleep!"

Edward stopped, blinking at the door in the dully lit hallway and wondering just why Alphonse would want him to leave. Surely he didn't really mean it, why would he want to be alone right then when he no doubt crying and hurting and Ed wanted so badly to comfort him,

"Alphonse, are you sure that's a good ide-…?"

He was cut off by another shout from his younger brother, more insistent,

"Yes dammit, I said  **go**...just go!"

Edward was hurt by the demand, Alphonse was  _chasing_  him away. It was a repeat of Saturday for Ed, Al had seemed to want to get along, be friendly, be close…and then all at once, when his guilt caught up with, he'd pushed Edward away coldly.

It really wasn't fair.

"Is Alphonse alright, Ed?" Mustang's voice was just behind him and Edward tensed and glanced at the older man over his shoulder. He hadn't even heard Roy come up behind him…and the man was wearing oxfords and walking on tile! Ed should have heard him,

_'Shit…I can't even think straight.'_  He rubbed a hand over his forehead and turned away from Al's door, walking down the hall,

"Yeah, let's just leave him." Edward said dejectedly, unable to keep it out of his tone.

As they reached the end of the hall he felt Roy's hand settle on his back between his shoulders,

"You don't have to come, you said you didn't feel like it and Al doesn't sound so good." He said quietly.

Edward shrugged off his hand, not liking to be comforted or even just touched by Mustang when he spoke in that soft gentle tone of voice, it was too strange,

"Didn't you hear, he practically demanded I get out." He shook his head and glanced past Roy down the hall.

Mustang sighed and slipped his hands into his pants pockets,

"Well it's up to you, I know you wouldn't like to leave him when he's not well but…I also know that sometimes time alone can do a person some good."

Edward looked at him, Mustang looked sincere and his words were true enough, the objective voice of reason where all Ed could think was 'I must stay' and 'I must comfort him'.

_'Maybe he'd feel better if I wasn't so close to him…after what happened in the kitchen.'_  He heaved a sighed as the image of Alphonse trembling and naked on the kitchen table flashed into his mind, he nodded haltingly,

"Yeah, I guess you're right…alright I'll go with you, but I'm not changing my clothes." He gave Mustang a look and walked to the closet, yanking it open to retrieve his boots.

"No need, you look just fine." Mustang informed.

Edward didn't acknowledge him, he was wearing black jeans and a black T shirt like he usually did and he thought he looked fine, he didn't need Mustang's approval.

"And I'm not having dinner, I already ate." He added and stood up after pulling his boots on and leaving them unlaced. Mustang nodded,

"Alright, just drinks then, you could probably use one to relax, you look a little peakish." He stated evenly.

Edward averted his gaze, he hadn't realized he looked noticeably unwell, his insides were in knots and he felt stressed but he didn't think it was outwardly obvious.

"I uh…need to fetch my wallet." He pointed vaguely past Mustang to the hall but he the older man raised his hand to stop him,

"No, drinks are on me."

Edward –for the first time ever- felt uncomfortable about the idea of Mustang paying for his drinks, usually having the older man fit any bill made him feel victorious…but something about them going out together with Mustang dressed like a Casanova and spending money on him made him feel hesitant.

If by some disturbing happenstance Mustang was in fact being serious in any way when he flirted or teased, Edward didn't want to be caught unawares and end up leading Roy on somehow. It seemed completely absurd but he didn't want to leave anything to chance.

He ran a hand over his ponytail as he glanced at the hall avoiding Mustang's eyes; he decided to try one final time,

"Al…I'm going, are you sure?" he asked loudly and hoped for the best.

He barely heard the 'Yes' from Alphonse, but it was in fact a 'yes', his heart sunk and he glanced over Mustang again before he turned to the door.

He couldn't think of any really valid reason why Mustang was so dressed up to take them out, unless,

"Are we meeting someone else?" he asked as he pulled the door open and took his key out of key hole,

"Someone like who? I came here to take you and Alphonse out." Mustang followed him out, hands back in his pockets. Edward frowned as he closed and locked the door,

"So why are you so dressed up, it's just me and Al?" he turned to Mustang and settled his narrowed eyes gaze on him.

Mustang regarded him for a moment and then raised his eyebrows and shrugged lazily,

"Contrary to what you might think Edward, I do actually like to look good when I go out. Especially since once I…" he lowered his voice as they started walking down the corridor, "…become Fuhrer, I probably won't have a chance to go out dressed up and socialize with the public."

Edward rolled his eyes, ignoring the ache in his stomach the further they got from the apartment,

"I doubt that, Bradley and Grumman were 'family men'," Ed air quoted, "that's the only reason they led such a boring life as far as anyone knew, but underneath it all, one of them was an inhuman murdering son of a bitch…" Edward said like he'd tasted something bad.

"…and the other is an old leering pervert." Mustang said quietly and chuckled.

"…and the point is, you'll be in charge, you're supposed to do things differently." Edward reminded.

"Expectations, expectations…" Mustang sighed with a smile.

Edward smiled and absently licked his dry lips, his smiled faded as they descended the stairs, he could taste Alphonse on his lips and it made him feel warm and then quickly cold.

He bit his lip slightly and ran a hand over his mouth slowly with a distracted sigh.

"So Ed, are you going to miss me when I'm Fuhrer and you hardly get to see me." Mustang asked, sounding amused. They reached the lobby and Edward scoffed, grateful for the stupid and distracting conversation,

"What are you talking about bastard? When you're Fuhrer, I'm going to extort you for all you're worth; you'll see me so often you'll probably want a restraining order." He smirked.

Mustang laughed and they glanced at each other,

"I wouldn't really mind, in fact, you could just move in with me and save yourself the trouble of commuting to HQ *****." he said smoothly.

And so the night began, with Edward's skin crawling in the weirdest way and his stomach hurting and tense.

* * *

After driving for a while eventually they stopped and parked along a street lined with a few cars and a busy curb side, outside of a bar called Durego's.

Apparently it was a nice place, not very well known and it only attracted a more upmarket crowd, Edward had called Mustang stuck up when he'd been informed of this and the older man had just shrugged and said he didn't like to spend his nights in run down bars.

They walked inside and Edward looked around, it wasn't all that busy but then again it was only going on 8 pm so it was still pretty early and it was a week night. As they walked to an available high table with bar chairs, Edward glanced at Mustang,

"Why're you out tonight anyway, don't you have work tomorrow?" he asked over the upbeat music.

They sat down across from one another and Mustang leaned his elbow on the table, fiddling with his hair as he glanced around. Ed almost laughed but then he remembered he also fiddled with his hair often and bit his tongue,

"I'm going in a bit late tomorrow, I worked late all of last week so I'm taking a few hours for myself tomorrow morning."

Edward just raised his eyebrows and glanced around as well, even though he was out and Al was back at the apartment, the younger blonde hadn't left his mind for even a second. He still didn't like that Al had told him to go and leave him alone, Alphonse wasn't the only one trying to grapple with their situation and he wished Al would realize things might be easier if they worked it out together.

At the moment Edward was practically dancing to Alphonse's tune every step of way, he was doing anything he thought Al wanted and since Alphonse didn't seem to know what he really wanted, Ed was just as confused and uncertain about everything. He sighed and glanced at Mustang who was looking at him,

"What?" he asked dully.

"You want to talk about what's really going on with Alphonse?" Mustang asked audibly and drummed his fingers on the table.

"Just mind your own business." Ed said halfheartedly as a waitress swung by their table and they placed their orders for drinks.

When she was gone after Mustang paid her, the older man sighed,

"So we're back to that are we?"

Edward ran a hand through his bangs and then scratched his neck idly, still disliking having to give Mustang the brush off after everything he'd done for the two of them, but what was going on was not something to he wanted to talk about at all, let alone to anyone besides Alphonse,

"Yeah, Alphonse's business is not mine to discuss." He said hoping to brush the older man off the subject.

The last time Mustang had been so overly concerned it was because they'd both been ill, but now Al was just 'not well' and Mustang hadn't actually seen him and couldn't guess how bad it was, so Ed figured he could play it off as a personal not too serious sort of problem.

"Ah, so there  _is_  something else..." Ed just glanced at him "…okay, I won't ask but I hope he starts to feel better." Mustang sighed. Edward just shrugged,

"Yeah, I'll tell him." he said blandly.

The waitress came back shortly after that with a tray full of drinks and deposited theirs before moving along again.

There was some silence while they both finished their first drinks, Edward was wondering whether Al was okay by himself –and also about how comforting he smelled - and Mustang looked to be thinking about something too, but Ed didn't know…or care what.

His mind drifted to how Alphonse had kissed him, it'd been different than usual, almost begging and just a little rough. He knew something was going with Al besides the obvious and when he considered how Al had pulled him to the table and asked for it to happen there, he had an idea that it was something to do with their previous sex…lives.

He really hated thinking of their relationship in those terms.

Edward had suspected many times that sex had become sort of boring for Alphonse, the novelty having worn off and whatever fantasies he'd built up seemed to have fallen to the way side, all because Edward was unaccommodating in a lot of things he knew Al wanted.

But why those feelings were clashing with Al's decision to end their relationship baffled him, the two things didn't go hand in hand, the relationship couldn't end with Alphonse still wanting his fantasies, that would be redundant.

Unless he pursued his fantasies elsewhere…

_'He'll probably get what he needs from someone else…'_  Edward thought bitterly as he finished off his drink. Despite not wanting to, he had to admit to himself that the idea of doing Alphonse on the kitchen table had been very arousing underneath all of his brotherly reservations.

He really wished that things would just clarify themselves and save him the trouble of trying to figure it all out.

"Okay, seeing as how you don't seem to up for talking, you wanna play some pool?" Mustang asked audibly and placed his empty glass down. Edward looked at him, realizing he'd been spaced out in thought, he shrugged,

"I've never played, so I only have an idea of how it works." He admitted.

Mustang stood up,

"No problem, I'll teach you the basics, you've always caught on quickly."

With raised eyebrows and no real interest in learning how to play pool, Edward nodded and stood up to follow Mustang to the pool area.

* * *

Four drinks later Edward was still sober but feeling far more relaxed than he had two hours earlier. Mustang was on par with drinks and seemed no more affected by the alcohol than Ed was, he assumed the older man probably drank more often than he did and had a high tolerance from years of experience.

"You're pretty old now aren't you?" Edward asked with a shit stirring grin as he leaned on his pool cue next to the table they occupied. Mustang had been right, after a few pointers, the lay out and the rules of game being explained to him, he'd more or less gotten the hang of it. He'd only found the way the cue was held a bit problematic at first but he was managing.

Mustang was aiming his cue and leaning over the table across from where Ed stood when the blonde made his comment. With a raised eyebrow, Mustang made a quick and skilled shot with the cue, a sharp clacking followed and two balls slipped into different pockets, leaving only three other color balls and the 8-ball waiting to be sunk.

Unsurprisingly Mustang had won every game so far, the score was 5-0 but the last two games had been closer, their current one included. Ed figured by the end of the night he'd have Mustang beat, he just needed another hour and another drink.

"I am  **not**  old." Mustang stated smoothly as he stood up straight again, his eyes sweeping over the pool table lazily.

Edward glanced over the table as well while Mustang walked around so he was almost next to Ed, clearly plotting his next play,

"How old are you?" Edward stepped aside to give Mustang some space as he leaned over and measured up the next shot, at the same time Ed looked at the older man's cue and guessed what shot he was aiming for.

"Thirty…" Mustang drew back the cue a few times distractedly, "…seven…" he concentrated hard on his aim and Edward leaned closer to him waiting for the right moment,

"I think I see a few gray hairs." He said matter of factly and as expected –smug bastard that he was- Mustang's cue slipped forward unsteadily when he took his shot and knocked the white ball sideways randomly. The older man stood up and glared at Edward,

"I do  **not**  have gray hairs." He stated with a flustered expression that made him look comical.

Edward raised his eyebrows and smirked,

"Oh my mistake, you don't…" which was true, Ed couldn't see even a single black hair out of place let alone gray hair, "…but you did fuck up that shot, my turn." He picked up his cue and turned his gaze to the table as he grinned. He was still smirking about Mustang's upset expression as he looked over the table and then walked around the older man to where the white ball had veered off to.

"That was a cheap trick, Fullmetal." Mustang said darkly.

"Eh, you'll get over it." Edward quipped as he leaned over the table and set the cue into place, disliking how uncomfortable it felt to hold it so awkwardly.

"It's also a useless one, your aim and posture for this game is so bad it's laughable." The older man mumbled and picked his drink up from the table side and sipped it.

Edward didn't take as much time to aim as Mustang did, but when he hit the white ball and dropped the 14-ball successfully, he still felt pretty good about his rapidly improving skills,

"You were saying?" he asked smugly as he came around again to pass Mustang,

"Lucky shot." He grumbled.

"Never pegged you for a sore loser, Roy." Edward snickered as he leaned over the table again and set the cue up.

He was pretty sure he could drop the next ball he was aiming at, then he'd have one left before the 8-ball,

_'I can take this game.'_  He squinted his eye as he aimed the cue.

He was aware that Mustang had come to stand beside him and leaned on the pool table,

"Edward…" he said airily.

"Hm…" Ed was hardly interested in what he had to say as he drew the cue back ready to shoot.

"You called me Roy."

And so his aim went to shit. Payback's a bitch.

"Dammit." He stood up and turned to glare at Mustang who was smiling, not smugly but instead it was a little too friendly, "How many drinks have you had?" Edward looked away from the unfamiliar smile with a grimace.

"Same as you, which is probably why you called me Roy." He finished his current drink.

"Shut up." Edward grouched and gestured to the table, "Just play your damn turn." He leaned against the table.

He had called Mustang 'Roy' unthinkingly and it seemed to have set the flirtation wheel back in motion, it was either that or the alcohol. Either way, Edward wasn't fit to deal with that, especially not when he'd been drinking himself, he didn't trust himself to not flirt back and give Mustang ammunition to make fun of him for it.

Mustang took his turn and sunk the 10-ball and Edward sulked, crossing his arms over his chest after leaning his cue beside himself,

"I say we cut off the drinking for the night." He suggested.

Mustang came to stand next to him after his shot and placed a hand on his hip, Edward had always thought he had a bulkier build but in the clothes he wore presently it was revealed that he was lean and rather fit looking.

It irked Edward to no end that he even noticed.

"Why's that, is it because you know I could drink you under the table?" he teased and picked up the chalk cube to use it on his cue. Edward gave him a side glare,

"As if, at the New Year's party you were flooded by the time you'd had as many drinks as me." he informed flatly.

Mustang shrugged,

"That's true, so what then?"

Edward blinked a few times, trying to think of a suitable excuse that didn't include admitting he didn't trust himself not to flirt with the older man,

"I uh…" he glanced around and his mind easily drifted back to Alphonse, "…I don't want to go home after drinking too much, in case Al wants to talk or something." It wasn't a lie, but Ed knew that lately Al preferred to avoid talking about their problems so he didn't think whether he was drunk or sober really mattered.

But it was a good enough excuse for Mustang.

Sure enough the older man nodded and lined up his next shot,

"Alright, how about one more?"

Edward sighed and watched Mustang sink the 5-ball…followed by the 8 and the game was over.

He made a face,

"Alright, and one more game."

* * *

Another two drinks later found Edward lining up the last shot of the game with a smirk, he pulled the cue back slowly and then smoothly sent it forward…sinking the 8-ball and winning his first game for the night. 6-1 was shameful but considering he was new to the stupid game, he was sure the next time he took on someone he'd do better.

He stood up straight and smirked smugly as he turned around to look at Mustang, Edward spotted him standing a few feet behind and leaning against the back wall looking lazy eyed and sipping a colorful drink through a swirly straw. But none of that stood out to Ed, the thing he noticed was  _where_  Mustang's eyes had been until he'd turned around to face the older man.

He narrowed his eyes,

"Were you just looking at my ass?" he gave Mustang a wary look.

Mustang took another long sip through his straw and blinked innocently,

"Oh no, I was just admiring your jeans is all." He smirked.

Edward gripped his pool cue tightly,

"Keep it up and you'll leave this bar with this cue shoved up your ass." He gestured his cue at Mustang.

Mustang's smirk only widened into a creepy smile and Edward didn't even ask why, instead he scolded himself for following the subject of asses with things being shoved into them.

"I win." He announced randomly and gestured to the table behind him, making Mustang glance at it but his smile didn't even falter and his eyes slid back to Edward quickly,

"So you did, I did say you were a quick study…good enough to beat me after your first few tries." He said around his straw. Edward rolled his eyes and placed the pool cue on the table surface before he picked up his drink,

"Don't talk yourself up so much, you could be a rookie for all I know." He hated to take away from his own victory but insulting Roy's ego was more important.

Edward glanced beside him when Roy came to stand next to him and placed his empty glass down on the table followed by his own cue,

"I would suggest a rematch but-…"

"…I can't, I have to get home." Edward finished his drink and placed the glass down as well.

"…yes I know…" Mustang added then smiled, "…thanks for the company though."

Edward looked at him dead on and had to once again deal with that unfamiliar smile being directed at him, it wasn't even flirtatious…it was almost  _affectionate_.

He didn't return the smile and instead averted his gaze and crossed his arms over his chest,

"Yeah sure, it's always a good thing to run away from my problems." He said sarcastically, feeling upset all of a sudden for having not stayed home against Al's demands. The noise of the bar and the crowdedness were starting to bother him now that he'd won one game and actually acknowledged how full the place was.

Also Edward was starting to seriously suspect Roy was…well...being serious when he flirted and it made him angry because he didn't need it, he didn't need more complications on top of everything he had to deal with already.

He sighed into the smoggy bar air, Alphonse was probably suffering at the apartment with how much emotional torment he was dealing with and Edward knew that suffering all too well. He'd given Al enough space as far as he was concerned, now it felt like he'd been gone too long,

_'I got too caught up in this stupid game, so relaxed and without all that tension.'_  He felt horrible for being there having something very close to 'a good time' playing pool with Mustang when Al was home all torn up.

_'What the hell is wrong with me?'_  Edward scolded himself,  _'Why do I always make such fucked up decisions.'_

"Ed, you're not running away, you're just taking a break and giving Alphonse a break too…" Mustang said calmly and then he put his arm around Ed's shoulder loosely and it seemed heavier since Ed was a little tipsy. He felt himself pulled sideways and he went along when Roy tugged him away from the pool table, "…and now I'll take you home and since you've both cooled off from whatever's going on, you'll be able to talk nicely. Or maybe you can use that Elric telepathy you used to talk about…" Mustang grinned as they maneuvered awkwardly through the crowd.

Edward didn't hold onto Roy, instead he found himself supporting the older man's weight on his shoulder more than anything,

"I don't remember telling you about that." he said at a regular volume but since they were relatively close Mustang heard and chuckled,

"You didn't tell me, but I heard you talking about it to Jean one time." He informed.

Edward sighed and half smiled,

"That was a joke, you know that right."

"Yes, I know…I laughed then…" he continued chuckling, "…like I'm laughing now."

Edward didn't say anything else as they made their way out of the bar. He and Alphonse didn't have telepathy per se, but he knew that quite often nothing needed to be said for the other to understand what was being thought or felt.

_'Or at least that's how it used to be, Alphonse is a lot harder to read these days.'_

They finally exited and Edward slipped out from under Mustang's arm, the older man stood rather straight considering how sleepy he looked. The air was cool and Edward felt relieved to be out of the bar, as usual he felt pretty sober too,

"Can you drive?" he asked Mustang as the older man pulled his car keys out of his pocket.

Mustang looked at him,

"I've driven far more drunk than this, so yes, I can." He smiled a little less enthusiastically before he turned and walked toward the car down the street away from the late night crowd loitering on the curb side, Edward fell into step beside him,

"I could drive if you want." He offered, not liking how tired Roy looked. Especially after hearing that he'd been working so much, Ed could guess he was tired and getting into a car accident didn't sound too great what with all the shit going on right then.

Mustang looked at him with raised eyebrows and half closed eyes,

"You can drive?" he sounded genuinely surprised.

Edward scowled at him,

"Of course I can you moron, I learned years ago. I'm 23 years old for fuck sakes…" he reached out and grabbed Mustang's wrist, "…gimme the damn keys so you don't land me in the hospital." He pulled the keys out of Mustang's long slender fingers and then let his wrist go with a slight push.

"You don't wear gloves anymore." Mustang pointed out uselessly, ignoring Ed's temper as per usual.

"Only in winter." Edward responded just as uselessly and glanced around the street.

They reached the car and Edward got in the driver's side, he waited until Mustang was in and he started the car.

The drive was quiet and Ed took the time to figure out what he should do when he got home, he supposed that if Al was asleep –since it was late- that he would just leave him alone but if he was awake, Edward decided that he'd try to talk to him about their situation. They needed to work out how things would be between them going forward, things like boundaries…he just hoped that whatever boundaries they decided to set would not affect their relationship as brothers the way it'd been before.

They'd never avoided being close to each other as brothers –platonically- he didn't want to have to give that up.

Edward turned the final corner and stopped the car outside of the apartment building, he actually found himself hoping Alphonse would be awake so they could talk, it was probably partially the alcohol still lingering in his system but he felt a little touch-feely himself right then,

_'Maybe Al's right, when I've been drinking I do get a little more…what did he call it?'_  he frowned as the car idled,  _'Oh right, he said I 'come on' to him.'_  Ed sighed and glanced over at Roy, pushing aside the thoughts of how fucked up he was.

Mustang looked half asleep or just deep in thought, Ed didn't know,

"Hey, Roy, you gonna be okay to drive home or d'ya wanna leave your car here and I'll call you a cab?" he offered, seeing as he didn't like the idea of Mustang ending up in hospital either, not unless it was Edward's fist that put him there.

Mustang glanced at him and shook his head lazily as he sat forward and opened the passenger door,

"No, that's okay, I'll be fine." he mumbled and got out of the car.

Edward frowned slightly and opened the driver door to get out as well, he stood beside the door holding it open as Mustang came around the car. Ed felt better that Mustang didn't seem to be wobbling, maybe he wasn't as inebriated as Ed initially thought.

When he came around to Ed's side the blonde let go of the car door because Mustang had taken a hold of it, but then Roy let it go and the door closed so it rested in the frame. Ed didn't have a chance to say anything because he unexpectedly found himself caught between Mustang -standing less than a foot space away- and the car side behind him. And then a hand was placed beside his head and one at the side of his shoulder when Roy leaned against the car.

Too close.

Edward tensed as Mustang looked at him, all serious and relaxed,

"Ed, you wanna go out to dinner with me sometime?" he asked in a low voice.

Edward was not about to misread that request as an innocent or friendly invitation, right then he was  _one hundred percent_  sure that Roy Mustang was hitting on him,

"Maybe when Al's feeling better, we'll all go out." He offered a neutral option in a flat tone, standing tense and uncomfortable in the empty street.

Mustang's eyes lowered so his gaze moved downward and Edward wanted to squirm, he was just as certain he was being checked out that time as he was about being hit on,

"I meant…just  **you**  and  **me** , Edward." He raised his eyes again, voice still low, and looked at Ed seriously.

If Edward were dealing with any other person presenting him with unwanted advances he'd have just said no in the most uninterested way or the rudest way, but this was not just anyone, this was Roy Mustang and he was a  _friend_ , even if Ed hated to think of him as such.

He cared about Mustang in some annoying way and he didn't want to actually hurt him by rejecting him in an offensive way.

_'How would Al handle this, tact…how can I say 'no thanks' tactfully?'_  Edward wracked his brain as Mustang narrowed his eyes slowly as if analyzing him.

Way too close.

"…look Roy, I really can't…even…"  _'…understand where the fuck this is coming from.'_  "…I mean, aren't you straight? Right, so why are y-you…"  _'….looking at me like_ _ **that**_ _, fuck its weird, the bastard actually looks sexy…ugh…'_  Edward pressed himself backwards into the car, deciding he was no good at not saying exactly what he wanted to, which in this case was 'no thanks and fuck off.'

"I never said I was straight." Mustang stated simply and smirked before he stepped closer, leaning his elbows on the car either side of Ed's head instead of his hands and Edward panicked, his defenses flying up at an alarming rate and he swore he'd knock Mustang on his ass if the man tried _anything_.

Mustang was way too fucking close, so close Ed could see that his eyes were dark blue instead of…well, he'd never noticed the color before!

Edward shook his head more surely, his temper starting to get the better of him,  **he did not need this shit**.

"I can't go out with you…" he said quickly and firmly.

"Why?" Mustang didn't miss a beat.  
"Because,  **I said so**." Edward narrowed his eyes, inhaling irritably and finding his senses filled with the smell of Mustang's rich cologne. Edward blanched inwardly when he realized he liked the way it smelled and he snapped, "Back off, Mustang." He stated through clenched teeth and gave the older man a warning look.

Mustang did as told, exhaling loudly as he leaned away and took a step back, Edward relaxed when he had his personal space back,

"I'm gonna act like this  _never_  happened." He informed Roy, still clenching his teeth as he pushed himself off the car and stepped aside to where he couldn't be trapped between Mustang's lean body and any other hard place.

_'Fuck this bastard! I don't_ _ **need**_ _this absolute shit!'_  He cursed Mustang angrily in is head.

"Why?" Mustang asked again as he pulled the car door open, "You think I'm going to regret it tomorrow?" the bastard had the nerve to ask the question confidently, smirking even.

"Hell yeah, cause you probably don't realize that you're taking this flirting shit too far with me." Edward shoved him into the car and shut the door after him loudly, "Now go home and sleep off your stupidity and don't bother to call and apologize cause' you'll just piss me off." Ed growled.

Mustang smiled lopsidedly and blinked as he put the car into gear before he tilted his head and looked at Ed through the open window,

"What if I want to call just to talk to you?" he asked with a teasing smirk.

"Mustang, cut the shit." Edward said firmly and Mustang smiled amused and nodded slowly,

"Okay, okay…calm down…" his face became serious again and he looked like he just remembered something, "…oh right, it's Gracia's birthday on Friday, a sur-…"

"I know already bastard, you're a moron." Edward sighed, his anger deflating now that Mustang seemed to be back to his non-weird side.

"Well…" Mustang smirked again and placed his hand on the steering, "…I guess I'll see you Friday." He sounded suggestive and Ed realized he was wrong, the bastard was still flirting,

"Go home, bastard." Ed said exasperatedly and turned around, he didn't look back as he ascended the stairs and still didn't once he was through the doors.

Once he was inside the building he felt extra exhausted and he trudged up the stairs with many sighs and a frown, running his hands through his bangs and clenching and unclenching his fists and jaw. He didn't even give Mustang's 'come on' a second thought, dismissing it as the man having had too much to drink, being tired and taking his teasing too far.

When Edward reached his floor he walked to his and Al's apartment and unlocked the door, stepping into the quiet before he locked the door again. All the lights were on just as he'd left them so he knew Alphonse hadn't come out of his bedroom.

He heard a soft meow and glanced down when CookieBoots came to rub up against his legs while looking up at him expectantly. Ed frowned as he leaned down and picked the furry pet up,

"You're hungry aren't you, Al's closed you out of the bedroom." He mumbled to the purring cat.

Edward held onto him while he stepped out of his boots and pushed them to the side of the door with his socked foot afterward. He walked down the hall and into the kitchen where he put CookieBoots down on to the floor but CookieBoots followed Ed as the blonde walked around the table and crouched down at one of the cupboards.

He smiled at the cat as it rubbed up against him, obviously hungry, Ed pulled out a sealed bag of cat food and then stood up to retrieve a plastic bowl from another opened the bag and put the bowl down before filling it with some food and immediately CookieBoots purred louder and slinked over to the bowl, Edward crouched beside him and stroked his fur so his tail stood up straight as he crunched on the kibble,

"I always thought cats didn't like me…" he mumbled to himself and then sighed almost sadly.

Edward stood up while closing the food bag and he put it away, he took out a second small plastic bowl, filled it with water and left it down next to the food bowl for his brother's pet when it got thirsty. Edward proceeded to clean up the glass in the sink, he wrapped it in older newspaper and threw it in the bin, then he finished the dishes and when he was done he turned around and his eyes fell on CookieBoots.

He smiled at the cat sitting perched on the counter with his eyes half closed and his legs tucked underneath him,

"Night, Boots." Ed said quietly as he left the kitchen, not looking at the table even once, he switched the light off.

He switched everything else off afterwards and then walked down the hall to his bedroom, he glanced at Al's closed door with a sad forlorn feeling in his chest as he passed and decided that he was too tired to shower, besides, it wasn't like he needed to smell fresh and good for Al who usually slept next to him, so Ed didn't bother.

He was glad to get his clothes off though…because he could smell Mustang's cologne on his shirt.

* * *

Edward was a little upset when he'd woken up to find that Alphonse had left the apartment the next morning, and after the time had dragged on past 11 am he'd given up on waiting and assumed Al had gone to uni instead of just out for a walk or something.

After the previous night he hadn't known if the younger blonde would still go to university like he'd said, Ed had hoped they could talk but he guessed he'd just have to wait for Alphonse to get home.

He'd showered, cleaned up and dressed after waking that morning, so he'd spent the morning wasting time until he'd become too bored to stand it. Edward had chosen to braid his hair for a change after he'd washed and dried it, he was dressed in a black tank shirt and jeans, so after deciding to go out for the day since he had the time off and Al wasn't home, he'd just grabbed his wallet and his keys and left the apartment at around 12 pm.

Time went fast when he was out and alone, he spent an hour or so in a book store and made a few purchases before he ended up in a few clothes stores. It had once been rare to find him clothes shopping since he'd been able to make clothes customized for himself by himself, but in recent years he'd had to resort to buying clothes.

Edward browsed through the clothes overlooking most of the items, seeing as how summer was coming in soon everything in the shops seemed too bright and colorful. He did pick up a few shirts for Alphonse's in oranges, blues and greens since they seemed to be his younger brother's favored colors.

He also wished Al was there shopping with him, Alphonse  _loved_ to shop.

Edward found a few black shirts for himself and just to be spontaneous he picked up a blood red colored formal shirt and then he made his way to the checkout. The one thing he never bought for Alphonse without him present were shoes, since Al was fussy and usually liked to pick out his own and try them all on first.

He smirked at the thought as his clothing purchases were packaged for him by the stores staff. By the time he was done with that he was incredibly bored with shopping, it had never been his thing unless it was for books.

As he walked home carrying his few bags, Edward started thinking about Friday, it was a birthday party so he knew he and Al needed to buy gifts but he was really bad at that sort of thing. He figured it'd be best to leave it to Alphonse, maybe one day between classes Al would be free and they'd find something for Gracia before Friday.

If not, he'd have to ask for advice from his younger brother and then pick something along those lines himself.

When he got back to the apartment about a half hour later it was after 4 pm, Edward dumped all of his own things in his room on the floor and went to Al's bedroom to neatly put his bags down in the corner next to the wardrobes.

He knew Al would be home at around 4.30 or 5 so he made a quick supper for the two of them, a chicken stir fry he'd learned from Alphonse and when he was done and it was after 5 pm, he started to wonder where Al was.

Edward wouldn't usually worry if Al decided to stay at university later, or even if he went with friends somewhere afterwards, however rare it was, it didn't usually bother him…

…but with everything that'd happened the night before between them, all of the unresolved things that they still needed to discuss, Alphonse not coming home made Edward upset and nervous. For all he knew Al was avoiding him, or he had finally reached his limit with their tense and unpleasant atmosphere at home and was looking for a way out…or he was ill from his stress and maybe ended up in hospital…

Edward felt his hands start to shake at the idea of Alphonse laid up in hospital, he shook his head and tried to stop thinking the worst,

_'If he wasn't okay he wouldn't have left the apartment.'_  He told himself, because other times Al had stayed home when he wasn't feeling well.

To distract himself Ed took a load of washing down to the laundry room and spent another half hour sitting as the clothes washed and then he moved the load to the dryer. After he'd put the dryer on he left the laundry room and made his way back upstairs.

But Al was still not home and it was almost 6 pm.

Edward had meant to set a timer so he'd know when to go back down and fetch the dry clothes, but his worry was getting worse so his mind was too distracted by Al's absence for him to care about that.

Instead he walked into the lounge and sat down heavily with his head in his hands,

_'Please be okay…please, whatever you're doing, wherever you are, just be okay.'_  He pleaded to no one.

Edward eventually sat back, feeling exhausted and concerned about Alphonse, he didn't want to start panicking, overreacting and phoning around, he didn't want to call Mustang and say 'Al's missing' prematurely just because he was paranoid and over protective. Nothing good would come out of that…

"Just relax, Al can take care of himself, like Mustang said…he just needs some time alone to clear his head, don't panic Edward." He told himself quietly. With a deep sigh he grabbed up a sofa cushion, punched it a few times and then placed it on the arm of the chair before he lay down and stretched his legs out with one hand behind his head and the other under his shirt resting on his stomach.

_'Just relax, Al's fine, he'll come home when he's ready.'_  Ed stared up at the large windows behind the couch, it was starting to turn a dull orange outside as the sun set and the noise of traffic and people down below were quieting since peak hour was passing.

The apartment was so quiet…Edward missed Alphonse.

_'I always missed him when I was away from him. Even in Creta, I wonder if that was also unhealthy?'_  he frowned slightly as his eyelids dropped halfway closed, his tiredness of a unsatisfying alcohol mixed bad sleep catching up to him.

Edward didn't want to think he'd been wrong to lay awake nights thinking of Alphonse when he'd been in Creta, to miss his younger brother's smile and voice and laughter in all innocence…how could that be wrong?

Even if it was tainted with intimate taste, touch and sensation now, it had been innocent once…

He sighed and closed his eyes, telling himself to just  _relax_ and stop over thinking everything.

* * *

_"S-tay inside, Ed-ward…" Alphonse's voice was hot and breathy against his neck, Edward could feel the air catch the sweat sheening his skin and it made goosebumps break out all over his skin._

_His eyebrows drew together and he breathed rapidly as his body went through the motions of orgasm… extreme heat, waves of muscle tensing pleasure, tingles and numbness in his toes and twitching fingertips._

_"Al…" Edward half groaned, he didn't remove himself from the depth of his younger brother's body because he was still coming and it was gloriously tight inside of Alphonse. He clenched his fingers lightly in Al's soft damp hair while his other hand rested on the mattress beside the younger blonde's head, clutching the untidy sheets._

_As his orgasm dulled to a pleasant hum running over his sweat slicked skin, Edward became aware of Al's hands –lightly trembling- as they stroked up and down along his back tenderly. Alphonse moved his legs that were still wrapped weakly around Edward's waist and the damp smoothness of it drove Ed to lean down and kiss his younger brother's neck sweetly, tasting the slightly salty skin just beneath Al's jaw line in order to stifle a quiet moan he'd nearly made._

_He loved Alphonse's skin, it was soft and flawless…so perfectly easy to mark and yet so porcelain all he wanted to do was preserve it._

_Edward continued to lather Al's neck with kisses in between his heavy breathing, slowly the kisses became wetter and turned to little suckles that wouldn't leave hikkies but it still caused Alphonse to make the breathy little noises Ed loved so much to hear. He listened as he kissed and tasted, he was pleasantly aware of Al's skin everywhere it contacted stickily with his own, be it from sweat or bodily fluids. He played the soft strands of hair between his fingers and he inhaled deeply the scent of sex on Al's skin…because even that was so intense he couldn't resist._

_The bedroom would smell of Alphonse –and he supposed himself as well- for the next few hours until the windows were opened when day break came and the sheets would be washed. Until then Ed knew they'd lie beside each other in the dark bedroom and eventually they'd fall asleep._

_And he'd spoon Al's naked perfection, being able to feel the curve of his body as it ran along Ed's own…so intimate…_

_Edward placed a final wet and somewhat noisy kiss to Alphonse's collar bone before he decided it was time to detach their bodies as he usually would. Only when Al's breathing had slowed and the younger blonde was comfortably passed the sensitivity that orgasm no doubt caused to his anal walls._

_He raised himself up on his elbows and shifted his hips backwards, expecting Alphonse to unwrap his legs but the younger blonde only closed them tighter, keeping his ankles hooked together behind Ed's back. The grip was barely tight because Al was still weak in the aftermath of sex, he usually was for a while after, but Edward didn't try to pull out again, instead he focused on Al's face as the younger blonde spoke. Al swallowed lowly and blinked tiredly,_

_"Please…stay inside me, just for a while." He asked quietly._

_The repeated request only did to arouse Edward all over again, it was the first time Al had asked such a thing of him and it was somehow sweet and…even a little sexy. Ed doubted that Alphonse could even really feel him inside, since he'd softened significantly and Al's body was still pliant and stretched. But the request wasn't necessarily about feeling, the softness of Al's tone suggested he craved continued closeness._

_So Edward obliged the simple request and nodded slightly, he leaned down and pressed a kiss to Al's swollen lips as he felt his younger brother's hands slide up his back to his shoulders and clutch tightly, blunt fingernails barely digging into his skin but he still felt it._

_He still liked it._

_Ed's skin was starting to cool down but Al was still so hot beneath him, so he relaxed his weight atop the younger blonde and he kissed Al's lips again…Alphonse smiled against his lips and his hands slid further up to lightly caress Ed's neck…another shiver and goosebumps rose everywhere on his body…and Al exhaled against his lips still smiling appreciatively._

_He puckered his lips and Edward held his own to Alphonse's for a few seconds before they both sighed through their noses and breathed deeply, it seemed so loud in the silence. Al didn't separate their lips when he spoke next,_

_"I love you…" his hands travelled back downward, fingers trailing along the indent of Ed's spine, "I love it…when we're close like this…as close as two people can be." He said it so quietly if it hadn't been silent around them Ed wouldn't have heard it._

_Edward didn't have anything to say, he swallowed slowly and shifted his lips to kiss the corner of Al's mouth before he sniffed -his body was starting to feel the weight of exhaustion- and he leaned on one elbow, leaving his hand in Al's hair as he moved his other to lightly caress Alphonse's thigh…a subtle request to separate their bodies._

_Alphonse's words had made him feel just slightly overwhelmed with emotion, to be told such a thing by his younger sibling, in such a voice, with such a tender and adoring expression on his tired face gnawed at Ed's guilt._

_Alphonse wasn't letting him go though and he swore he felt Alphonse tense his anal passage around him. He frowned at the sensation as his arousal started up again, just knowing that Al's body was still able to tighten around him after a half hour of penetration sent a sinful thrill down his spine, reminding him of how tight and sensual it was to move inside of Al._

_…being able to feel every single spasm, every shudder and convulsion around his cock…_

_"Do you…enjoy being with me? I know I've asked before, but…you never really answer me." Alphonse asked as he peppered moist kisses to Ed's jaw and neck, his hands had moved so low that Edward felt them resting on his buttocks._

_Edward's arousal continued to stir under Alphonse's ministrations, he slid his hand back down along Al's thigh and over his hip, further up along his side, his chest until he finally let his fingers splay over the front of Alphonse's neck gently. He slipped his index finger into the hollow of the younger blonde's throat and he rubbed a drop of sweat into Al's skin almost absently, caught up in the moment and the feeling of Alphonse's breath and lips on his neck and his fingers teasingly drawing invisible patterns on his buttocks,_

_"…I do…" he whispered in an emotional but quiet tone, "…more than I should, Alphonse." he confessed._

_He hated being so honest about his inability to resist his desires for his younger brother, but his answer seemed to please Alphonse. Edward kissed Al deeply when their lips were brought together again, the sweetness of it still lingered but it went beyond just pecks as their tongues slid into each other's mouths and Ed was able to taste the salt of his own skin in Alphonse's wet mouth._

_But then again…it could have just been remnants of his pre-cum still tainting Al's tongue from their earlier foreplay. Any memory of Alphonse giving him oral always made him feel wretched but never deterred the pangs of arousal from reaching their destination…_

_…the memory of the sensation or of course the sensation itself always turned him on as much as it disturbed him. Seeing his cock inside Al's mouth and feeling it reach the back of his throat –Al had improved a lot from practice- never failed to make Edward as hard as physically possible…and right then was no exception._

_Alphonse moaned into Edward's mouth and tensed his insides again around Ed's quickly stiffening erection. Ed didn't like the feelings he was experiencing, his body was betraying his mind and he hated to lose his coherence too much during sex…because he usually slipped up and lost control._

_Edward's breath hitched at the combined sensations of Al's tongue, his breath, his skin and his inner walls…it was starting to get the better of him, he'd even made the mistake of lightly thrusting his hips, pushing himself into Alphonse almost all the way again…_

_…the younger blonde was still slick, welcoming and warm…and Al moaned again as their kisses became noisier and deeper._

_Ed slid his hand upward from Al's neck to cup his jaw before he separated their mouths for a moment…the exact moment when Al parted his legs wider and clenched Ed's waist tightly with his legs to pull him closer. Edward's lips parted to allow a soft moan out when he felt his cock slip all the way into Al's body followed by one of Alphonse's hands slipping between their bodies. Ed felt Al's fingers slide through his pubic hair and then lower…when he felt Al massage his fingers around the tight space where their bodies connected it suddenly became too much for Edward…_

_…he felt just a bit too…dirty…all of a sudden, laying on top of his younger brother like that while being touched that way and the expression on Al's face was so lust filled, his green eyes seemed darker…it scared Edward._

_Not because of Alphonse's lust but because of how hard of a time he was having not giving into the need to fuck Al again, he was almost willing to disregard how sore he knew Al would be the next day if it meant he could bury himself inside that perfection for as long as it took and let go again…_

_But once_ _**had** _ _to be enough, if he didn't keep a hold on himself…he'd lose the internal battle of brother before lover._

_So he steeled himself to ignore Al's tongue trailing over his lips, asking to be kissed again and he ignored the tightness he was imbedded in…Edward gave Al one soft kiss to the corner of his mouth again and then moved his hand back down Al's thigh as far as the back of his knee,_

_"Stop Al, we can't…" he said it quietly, his voice gruff._

_Alphonse's breathing paused and quickly his beautiful green eyes were cleared of lust and instead filled with confusion, hurt and…disappointment. Edward couldn't hold his gaze, so he lowered it to Alphonse's shoulder and patted his leg to wordlessly reaffirm his statement._

_"But w-why?" Al breathed, frowning sadly, his eyebrows drawn together and his hands sliding in restless caresses over Edward's sides and back, "You want to don't you? Edward I can feel you ins-…"_

_"_ _**Stop** _ _, Alphonse." Ed used his authoritive tone, he had to stop Alphonse from saying those sorts of things, even if they weren't even dirty, it still left Edward struggling painfully between what he should and shouldn't do._

_He needed to keep his head._

_As he expected his younger brother didn't argue with him, his legs loosened and fell to Ed's sides but Al's expression was one of complete desolation. Edward expression softened as well as his voice and he gently ran his fingers through Alphonse's hair and brought his hand up again to run his thumb along Al's jaw line tenderly,_

_"You'll be uncomfortable tomorrow, you'll be hurt, Al, we can't." he used his usual excuse, it wasn't that Al wouldn't be sore if they did it again, but it was mostly just because he needed to keep himself in check._

_Alphonse inhaled slowly and looked away,_

_"You know I don't mind." He said weakly._

_Edward felt like he would cry…as he let Alphonse down again, protecting himself and much as he felt he was protecting the remnants of their brotherly connection with his refusal,_

_"I don't want to hurt you, Al."_

_Al looked back up at him,_

_"Please, Edward, just this one time?" he sounded soft and hopeful, his expression still heavily sad and Edward felt like shit because his younger brother was practically begging him, even if it is was a quiet sort of pleading._

_Ed's breathing became painful, he swallowed sorely and stroked Al's hair one more time before he shifted his hips and removed his erection from the younger blonde's body._

_Al winced just slightly and Edward told himself his refusal was justified so he didn't feel like such a bastard,_

_"We can't, Al. Sorry…"_

* * *

Edward inhaled and exhaled deeply as he returned to the waking world, he ran his hand over his face and swallowed around the lump that had formed in his throat during sleep. His emotions were rife, his head was sore and he had a semi straining against the confines of his jeans from the vivid images and feelings of Al he'd just relived…

…over all…Edward felt like shit.

_'Just like I did when I told him we couldn't…why did I say no? Why did I choose to disappoint him, he wasn't asking much of me?'_  he thought bitterly as he clenched his jaw and tried not to let his urge to cry overcome him.

That hadn't been a dream, it was a memory from over a month ago…just one more night Edward had let Alphonse down, hadn't done enough…had made excuses because he didn't feel like he could handle his own feelings.

He was always so scared to do things to Alphonse that he felt were crossing the line, he'd told himself that certain sexual positions were crude and unnecessary, sex anywhere but in a bed where Al could be comfortable was not acceptable and sex once a night –when Ed was emotionally able to- should be enough to satisfy his younger brother's needs.

But as time had gone on he'd realized Alphonse wanted more… and having had a new revelation recently about Al's feelings, Edward realized now that all Al had wanted was a normal couple scenario where everything, including kissing, cuddling, going out, flirting with each other and having fun experimental sex were a part of the equation.

Now, after so much time and tears wasted…and having had this particular dream/memory, somehow the confusing and complicated emotions he'd experienced that night and many others, seemed trivial. The idea of flirting with Alphonse had seemed awkward before, now it seemed harmless, and taking Al out once in a while on something like a date –even if they'd have to be platonic in public- didn't seem so risky or suspicious. Even the suggestion to take long baths together like Al had wanted to do so many times instead of just getting in and getting out sounded relaxing and comforting now, instead of indulgent…and the idea of sex on the sofa…or on the kitchen table, no longer seemed so awful either.

Edward figured what he feeling now was something along the lines of that saying that went 'You don't know what you've got until it's gone.' Even if he shouldn't be feeling the loss of a romantic relationship with his own brother, he was…

When Al had hugged him the day before when he'd come home from seeing Mustang, Ed had realized then just how much he'd miss holding Alphonse closer than he should, and how much he'd miss kissing him, he'd realized that after Al had kissed him in the kitchen and he'd given it some thought.

There was another saying to go with the first one…'We always want what we can't have.'

"Stupid sayings…who comes up with that shit." He mumbled to himself and finally opened his eyes, resting his hand on his chest above his other hand. His gaze fell on the windows and Ed's stomach did a flip…it was dark outside.

Night time dark.

_'Alphonse is still not home?'_  he frowned and sat up quickly, absently pushing his bangs and braid into a neater arrangement as he stood up. He felt a small amount of panic rise and he looked around the lounge uncertainly, trying to think of what he should do first.

He quickly decided to check the time first, to see just how late it was, so he walked around the table and out of the lounge, intending to check the wall clock in the kitchen but he was stopped short in the hall by a knock on the door.

Edward hesitated, he didn't want to answer to a stranger, or worse, Mustang and he knew Al wouldn't knock on the door,

"Unless he's lost his key." He mumbled to himself and turned quickly to double back to the entrance area.

He unlocked and opened the door quickly but he didn't smile at the unfamiliar building receptionist when she smiled at him,

"What is it?" he asked irritably and she quickly stopped smiling,

"There's a phone call waiting for Edward Elric." She informed.

Edward narrowed his eyes, not trusting that it might not be Mustang phoning him,

"Who is it?"

"Uh," she checked a little piece of paper in her hand, "Alphonse Elric."

Edward instantly felt better but still a little worried for why Alphonse was calling him, he grabbed the key out of the back of the door and stepped out hurriedly, making the shorter woman step back quickly,

"What time is it?" he asked her as he locked the door.

She checked her wristwatch,

"Just after eight thirty."

Edward didn't wait for her or even thank her; he went ahead and descended the stairs in a hurry. Once he reached the lobby he rushed to the main desk where the handset rested to the side of the phone.

He picked it up as he leaned his back to the counter,

"Al?" he said quietly, "Are you okay?" was his first and most important question.

There was a beat of silence and then,

_-"Yes, I'm fine."_  to Edward, Al sounded flat and distant.

"O-okay, that's good…uh," he hated how Al sounded, it threw him off, "uh, are you out, you'll be home later?" he asked after glancing around to see if anyone was trying to overhear his conversation.

There was another pause of quiet,

_-"Uh, no Edward…I won't be home later."_  Edward felt himself pale and his grip on the handset slackened slightly as he became weak with worry,  _"I'm at Elizabeth's, I'll be staying over here tonight…in the uh…guestroom."_  He said that part a little softer but Ed didn't really pay attention.

He was only slightly relieved not to have been told Al as moving out, or had gone off somewhere and wasn't interested in coming back…but the only other emotion he felt at the explanation, one he hadn't quite thought his brotherly side would make him capable of…was intense jealously.

Alphonse was staying the  _night_  at Elizabeth's house…

He took a deep breath when Alphonse asked quietly if he was still on the line,

"Yeah, yeah okay Al…" his tone was a little tenser than he would have liked. He didn't have anything else to say, he knew he shouldn't just  _assume_  Al was there for  **those**  sorts of reasons but Ed was the sort of person who jumped to conclusions first, beat the shit out of it and then asked questions later.

But this was Alphonse, so the usual rules didn't apply, hence the reason he kept calm and tried to be rational.

_-"Uh…alright, I'll see you in the morning when I come home to change clothes before uni."_ Al mumbled with a sigh.

Edward clenched his teeth as the image of Alphonse all ruffled and untidy from a night of being sexed up to his heart's content flashed through his mind. The question followed in his mind of 'why did I let him down so often' and the rationalization of 'staying over at a friend's does not necessarily mean there'll be sex involved' and finally the self-scolding of 'even if he does have sex with someone else it's not supposed to upset you!'

In the second it took for this to go through Edward's mind, his headache had tripled in severity,

"Yeah, sure Al, whatever." He mumbled back, holding back a sigh of his own.

Again there was a silence and Edward rubbed his eyes in frustration as he waited for a response,

_-"Ok…I guess that's all. Good night Edward. See you tomorrow."_  Al's voice was soft now, Ed couldn't place the tone.

"Night, Alphonse." Ed hated how clipped his words sounded but he hated even more the fact that he practically slammed the phone down on the hook.

When it dinged loudly everyone in the lobby turned to look at him but he didn't care.

He ran his hand through his hair and took a deep calming breath, telling himself over and over again as he crossed the lobby to get to the stairs that it was  **better**  if Alphonse moved on and that Elizabeth was actually a really good match for him from what he could tell when he'd met her.

A healthy relationship, a normal relationship…a legal one too.

That's what Al needed, not incest…not isolation, not an older brother that was getting confused about where and what his place was in Alphonse's life. As he ascended the stairs to get to the –lonely- apartment Edward took several more deep breaths through the tight pain in his chest and calmed himself with one thought,

_'At least I know Alphonse is safe.'_

Because that was the right thing for a brother to think.


	9. Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks - to Vienna Wood for editing this chapter, your assistance is appreciated.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Placebo

 

 

  
_I was alone, falling free,_   
_trying my best not to forget,_   
_what happened to us, what happened to me,_   
_what happened as I let it slip._   


  
_I was confused by the powers that be,_   
_forgetting names and faces,_   
_Passers by, were looking at me,_   
_as if they could erase it._   


  
_I was alone, staring over the ledge,_   
_Trying my best not to forget,_   
_all manner of joy, all manner of glee,_   
_and our one heroic pledge._   


  
_How it mattered to us, how it mattered to me,_   
_and the consequences._   
_I was confused, by the birds and the bees,_   
_forgetting if I meant it._   


_...and the sex and the drugs, and the complications..._

* * *

Alphonse still felt physically sick.

But he knew that wasn't going to go away any time soon, the anxiety medication Edward had bought he hadn't bothered to take that morning in his hurry to get out of the apartment. He also hadn't taken any pain killers so his mid-section had a continuous dull throbbing ache that he had to silently contend with. And on top of all of that he had a headache and despite Elizabeth's effort to cheer him up, he was still feeling incredibly miserable.

His anger was long gone, replaced by sadness and so many questions and doubts, specifically concerning what Elizabeth had said about seeing Edward with Roy Mustang the night before. What she'd said hadn't 'incriminated' Edward –for lack of a less accusatory word from Al's vocabulary- in doing anything wrong, in fact, the way she described it had made it sound one sided from the General.

Alphonse still didn't like it, even though he was too emotionally taxed to get really angry again, the idea of Roy, who was supposed to a famous **womanizer**  throughout Central and previously the East of Amestris, suddenly taking a romantic interest in Edward just aggravated him. Because it didn't fit…and yet it  _did._

Because Mustang and Ed been getting along and spending more time together than Edward had ever bothered to before and it had to mean  _something_.

Al blinked slowly as he watched the streets of North Central go by, he was sitting beside Elizabeth in the back seat of her expensive chauffeured car as they were driven to her house, but he wasn't really seeing the blurs of people and street names as they drove, his mind was preoccupied.

He couldn't say that back when they were teenagers he'd ever seen anything more than jesting–and sometimes aggressive- discussions and interactions between Edward and Roy Mustang. He couldn't say he'd ever sensed chemistry or an underlying attraction between them either, not like he'd been able to do with Riza Hawkeye for Roy…or Winry for Edward, however subtle and unknowingly revealed, he'd been able to detect it in a look or a smile.

And Roy Mustang had  **never** once looked at Edward in a way that suggested he liked him like  _that._

_'So why all of a sudden? Did I miss something? Is this the same as me not noticing that Elizabeth liked me…'_  he glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, she was staring out of the opposite window,  _'…I've been so distracted with everything going on between me and Ed that I could have not noticed…I guess.'_  He frowned slightly and raised his hand to his mouth, he started to nibble on his thumb nail without breaking it.

He wondered now about when Mustang had left the message to see Ed at HQ the previous morning. Edward had looked sort of thoughtful about it, as if he'd been considering something…and then Mustang had showed up and asked to take them both out to dinner hours later, it seemed sort of convenient.

_'Did he really want to take us both out, or did Edward just include me to be polite?'_  he felt more than a little bitter and insulted by that thought, being invited along when he was possibly not included to begin with.

All the same, it didn't matter, the point was Alphonse could believe that Edward wasn't interested as Elizabeth had said it seemed. He'd never seen even a hint of that sort of feelings in his older brother for Mustang either…

But even though he could believe it, it didn't mean he was completely confident about it.

Elizabeth had also said Edward hadn't seemed 'standoffish' about the flirtation, which for Alphonse translated to 'Edward wasn't discouraging it' which was the same thing as not wanting to discourage it as far as Al was concerned.

_'Maybe he's keeping his options open…after all, I did end our relationship…twice. Maybe he does like Mustang like that and he's just waiting.'_  his skin crawled and his stomach flipped unpleasantly at the thought of his older brother and Roy Mustang even doing something as simple as standing too close to each other.

When the very disturbing image of them kissing came to mind Al felt mentally violated and he took his thumb from his mouth –his nail now slightly jagged- and cradled his forehead in his hand as he frowned deeply and tried not to make the noise of disgust caught in his throat.

"Are you okay?" Elizabeth asked quietly and he heard her shift closer on the leather seats, "We'll be there in about five minutes, I'll make you something to eat and you can lie down, okay?" she suggested quietly and he felt her hand on his back, rubbing gently between his tense shoulders.

He just nodded weakly, her offer sounded great but he doubted he'd keep whatever he ate down with how nauseous he was right then and sleep would evade him as well since his thoughts were racing and he was feeling so irrationally hateful toward Roy Mustang.

Irrational because he didn't really know the older man personally and if the General wasn't entirely straight, or if he just liked Edward, Alphonse knew he had no right to be angry at Roy for taking an interest in his older brother. Mustang was a bachelor –always had been-and he was good looking, as Elizabeth had so readily pointed out. And Edward was –so very- good looking himself and was publically assumed single –although since their break up, literally single- and if Ed decided to  _get with_  Mustang Al knew he couldn't do a fucking thing to stop it from happening.

He couldn't say anything…it wasn't his place…it wasn't his choice…it was sickening to Alphonse.

Because it could be happening, they could be liking one another and getting closer, and he'd previously suspected it and told himself he as being paranoid and now he'd let Edward go and Mustang was right there.

Unlike Winry, who was far away so Edward couldn't turn to her for  **comfort**  should he seek it.

It was just so  **fucked up**. He swallowed thickly, trying to force the lump in his throat to go away, he didn't want to start crying in front of Elizabeth, honestly, that would be an entirely new level of pathetic even for him.

He felt the car slow and the hand on his back stilled,

"We're here Al, come on, let's get inside." She said quietly as if she was aware of his headache.

He got out of the car with her after picking his books up off the seat and they made their way into the building, he noticed Elizabeth looked a little down and even though he didn't want her to, he suspected she was worried about him.

_'This is just like it was with Brother and Winry all those years ago, it's the same look she used to have whenever Edward and I would leave again for a mission and she'd not know if we were going to come back or not.'_  He sighed inwardly, hating that he was making Elizabeth worry over him.

Alphonse knew he wasn't worth her stress and concern, if she really knew him, she'd be disgusted and repulsed.

_'So would Winry…and Granny and…and Teacher.'_  He watched the stairs under his feet as they ascended to the elevator level,  _'Even Mustang would be disgusted.'_  He blinked his eyes as they burned,  _'And because of me, they'd all be disgusted with Edward too.'_

His guilt was never too far below the surface and reminding himself that he'd dragged his brother into his sick mess made his anxiety pain worsen by a few notches and he grimaced, placing a light hand on his stomach. As they stepped into the elevator when it arrived –thankfully it was empty- Elizabeth held his elbow lightly and he glanced at her where she stood beside him, frowning with concern,

"Alphonse, you look a lot paler than you did five minutes ago," she informed him, "whatever you're thinking about, let it go for a while, just until you've had some time to eat and rest." She advised while looking unsure of something and he just glanced at the floor numbers lighting up one after the other, having no response.

"Look," she continued with a frown, "I probably shouldn't suggest this but, my mother has prescription Zolpidem for insomnia," she sighed, "I'd hate for you to take something not prescribed for you but you know how sleeping pills are, they're not so bad unless you get addicted…and you look like you're about to fall over and if you're not sleeping there has to be something keeping you awak-"

"Elizabeth." He said softly, managing a small thankful smile after cutting off her self-justifying explanation. She was trying to validate her offering him medication he wasn't supposed to take and he didn't think she needed to, she was only trying to help and shouldn't feel bad for it. "Thank you, a sleeping pill will actually hel-…" he blinked at her a few times and the elevator dinged a moment later, as if punctuating his realization as he had it.

When they stepped out on the right floor, Elizabeth looking confused at his unfinished statement, Alphonse stopped walking and turned to look at her uncertainly, wondering if he had any right to ask. He'd remembered after her offer that both of her parents were doctors and if there was one thing they were likely to have in their house, it was high level prescription medications.

"What is it?" she frowned as they stood in the short hall a few meters from the double doors of the penthouse, the elevator doors slid closed again and Al took a breath,

"Uh…since you're offering..." he rubbed his right forearm with his free left hand, "…do you think you could check if your parents have any prescription anxiety meds?" he asked very quietly, "That'd  _really_  help me out."

Had he not been in so much pain he would never have stooped so low as to ask a good friend for drugs.

She blinked at him and her frown disappeared as if she was shocked,

"You…do you suffer from anxiety attacks?" she held her books to her chest tighter.

He shook his head quickly and made an ambivalent expression,

"No…not attacks, I've just been under some severe…" he hated to say it to her, "…emotional stress lately and it's started to make me sick." He practically mumbled and looked at her hopefully.

She stared at him, he could just about see all the questions she wanted to ask reflected in her pretty green eyes, but she didn't ask and he really loved that about her, she never pried into his business. She blinked after a second, her dark lashes lowering as she glanced at the floor and then back at him,

"I'll check, I think there might be something…" she nodded and turned to walk toward the door. Alphonse felt very relieved at her acquiescence and he started to follow but when they reached the doors she stopped with her hand on the handle, she was frowning again and he looked at her questioningly, "Just, promise me…" she sighed and looked at Alphonse sternly, "…promise me you're not addicted to benzodiazepines or something." She said in a hushed voice.

Alphonse raised his eyebrows and half gaped at her,

"Addicted?" he asked back quietly, "Why would you think that?"

She took her hand off the handle and clutched her books again,

"Because…" her eyebrows drew together upwards, she looked sort of cute with her face all scrunched up with worry, "…you're pale, shaky, your skin looks clammy like you're having cold sweats, you're not eating or sleeping, you're having abdominal pain and you're asking for strong pills that should be prescribed to you if you have a problem by a  _doctor_ , but you obviously haven't been to one and…" she trailed off because Alphonse couldn't help smile at her.

He started to chuckle quietly as he ran a hand through his hair, she pouted,

"What's funny?" Elizabeth huffed.

"Elizabeth…" he was surprised by how fondly he said her name, "…I'm not going through  _withdrawal_." He stated calmly. "I promise you I am  _not_  addicted to prescription drugs, okay?"

She sighed heavily and brushed her hair back from her face as well,

"Okay, I- I believe you." She finally opened the door. He frowned slightly,

"Thank you I guess, at least I now know you think I'm capable of being a drug addict." He muttered as he followed her into the sort of familiar house.

He closed the door after himself and turned around to find her weakly glaring at him,

"Alphonse, I come from a family of doctors, uncles, aunts, cousins…" she was speaking very quietly, "…my parents. I  **know**  drug dependence too well, I've seen the long and short of it." She confessed, "There's a reason I think we might have just about anything you're looking for." Elizabeth turned around abruptly and walked down the hall, her heels clacking lightly as she went.

Alphonse almost felt bad for guessing correctly about her parents having a wide variety of drugs in the house, but almost was not enough to stop him from feeling relieved about getting his hands on some proper anxiety meds without seeing a doctor.

He followed her down the hall at a slower pace and stopped in the large living room area when he saw the house keeper standing and staring at him. He'd forgotten her name so he smiled at her as familiarly as possible,

"Hello again." He tried to not be obvious about it but when she raised an eyebrow, he assumed she knew he didn't remember her name because she looked vaguely patronizing,

"Hello Mister Alphonse Elric." She rubbed it in, her tone clipped, that she knew his name and that he'd been an ass to forget hers. His smile turned rueful and he was about to ask her for her name when he heard Elizabeth call him loudly,

"Alphonse, where are you? Come here!" she yelled and he felt amused by that because he remembered her saying she liked to yell across the house to annoy her parents.

He gave the unsmiling housekeeper a stupid –and awkward- wave and then turned away, he clutched his books at his side and walked through the archway that would take him in the direction of Elizabeth's voice and the part of the house he knew the bathrooms and bedrooms were in.

Alphonse walked passed a few closed doors until he stopped outside the familiar bathroom he'd last been in when he'd visited there the first time,

"Elizabeth, where are you?" he asked aloud and then smiled when Toby yipped and came trotting out of an open door further down the hall,

"In here." She said aloud and he was able to guess that it was from the room her happy pet just came from.

He walked to the room and stopped in the door way, it was a massive bedroom, bigger than his and Edward's put together. For that reason he knew it was the master bedroom and in turn, her parents' bedroom so he stepped back out and leaned against the wall in the hall beside the door, not comfortable with just wandering in.

He hadn't seen Elizabeth and he hoped he'd guessed the right room, a minute later she popped her head out of the bedroom and looked at him and he felt relieved,

"Why're you waiting here?" she raised an eyebrow and stepped out into the hallway, she was still holding her books as she closed the door behind her.

"It's obviously your parents' bedroom Elizabeth, it'd be very inappropriate for me to just go inside." He explained quietly. She raised both her eyebrows,

"Oh wow, you're just adorable." She smirked. He narrowed his eyes,

"Don't make fun of me, it  **is**  bad manners and you know it…" he thought of an example, "…you wouldn't just walk into my brother's bedroom if you were visiting me again would you?" he asked pointedly, his stomach knotting strangely at the mixture of feelings the question gave him.

There was a time where he'd never needed to knock on Ed's bedroom door…yet now he felt like he'd have to knock every time before entering his older sibling's bedroom.

She half rolled her eyes,

"Of course I know you're right, yes I wouldn't go into your brother's bedroom…but…" she smirked, "…I would go into yours." Elizabeth turned and walked back the way he'd come. He didn't know if she'd meant that as some sort of sexual innuendo but he didn't let it stop his honest response,

"That would be rude too." He informed her as he followed her until two closed doors back down the hall,

"You're  **so**  old fashioned." she responded rolling her eyes and opened the door she'd stopped at.

Alphonse once again stopped in the doorway when she walked in, he looked into the bedroom –obviously hers- and then he looked at her as she dumped her books on a cluttered desk and turned to face him. She looked amused,

"Come inside, Alphonse." she waved her hand slowly in a gesture to bring his attention to the large bedroom, bigger than his own and Edward's, not together but separately.

He hesitated but then walked inside a few steps,

"Put your books down on the desk and close the door." She said with a sigh as she walked to her high double bed and sat down on the cushioned chest at the foot. Alphonse watched her as she started to remove her heels,

"Um…" he glanced at the door just behind him, "…you said there was a guest bedroom." He reminded awkwardly.

She tossed her heels onto the carpeted floor around her bed and rolled her eyes,

" **Yes**  Alphonse, there is and you  **are** going to sleep in there…I promise I'm not going to tie you to my bed and have my merry little way with you." She said sarcastically and he blushed as well as felt stupid, "I just wanted to come in here for a while so that Erica doesn't eavesdrop." She stood up, looking just a bit shorter without her shoes on.

Alphonse walked in a little more but didn't close the door or put his books down,

"We don't exactly talk about anything worth eavesdropping on." He mumbled and watched her as she came to stand in front of him. She pulled a small white bottle out of her suit pants pocket and shook it pointedly so the contents clacked around noisily,

"I meant about this." Elizabeth looked a little offended as she pressed the bottle into his free hand.

Alphonse felt really bad again for being so unfair toward her, he'd yelled at her earlier and now he as acting as if she were some sort of molester,

"Elizabeth…" he got her attention quietly before she left her bedroom, she turned to look at him and he said the only thing that described his shameful attitude, "…I'm being a complete asshole." He stated firmly and approached her, "Thank you for helping me when you don't have to." he said sincerely and gripped the little bottle tightly in his hand.

She shrugged,

"You are being an asshole, but I'll let it slide this time cause I can see you're going through something." She raised a finger and an eyebrow, "Just remember that you owe me, so if I ever start yelling at you when I'm on my period, don't you dare get mad at me."

Alphonse couldn't help blushing at how blunt she was, he almost wanted to cover his face but that'd be childish, aside from them both being adults, they were both going to be doctors and nothing was stupider than blushing over the mention of something so biological. He shook his head after a moment, still red faced,

"Yes, I swear I won't say a thing."

She was grinning, clearly satisfied with her handiwork in making him blush,

"Come on, let's get you something to eat…you can't take any medication until you've eaten." She said rather seriously and Al just nodded, not willing to disagree.

They made their way back to the lounge area and Elizabeth insisted he stopped carrying his books around so he put them down on the fancy glass coffee table when he sat down. But Elizabeth quickly grabbed his arm so he stood up again and she dragged him in the opposite direction of the archway and into a spacious kitchen lined with cupboards, an island and wall counter space.

It occurred to him again just how wealthy Elizabeth's family was,

_'They're doctors, it's not surprising.'_  He thought as he glanced at his green eyed friend, she was opening and closing cupboards, looking lost if you asked Alphonse, he smiled,

"You don't even know what you're looking for, do you?" he asked quietly and leaned on the counter island.

She closed another cupboard and turned to face him, her long black hair swinging around,

"Um…ahah, well…no, not really…" she admitted, blowing out her cheeks.

Alphonse's smile broadened,

"What do you usually do about food?" he enquired, fingering the bottle of pills he'd slipped into his pants pocket.

She grinned and took in a deep breath,

"Erica!" she yelled and Al closed one eye at the high pitch of it as he shook his head, still smiling,

"And you called me spoiled." He mumbled.

Elizabeth just laughed and Alphonse just smiled at her.

* * *

They were sitting together at the dining room table, Alphonse was just finishing his fourth sandwich from the plate that Erica had laid down on the table for them. At first he'd almost felt bad about eating any of them, the plate was so fancily laid out, the sandwiches looked so decorative as well but when Elizabeth had started eating he'd followed her in doing so.

It was sort of nice actually to eat such attractive food and not long after the sandwiches Erica also brought out three different beverages of soda, juice and iced tea as well as a bowl of fresh fruit salad and some sort of cold pasta salad with fresh rolls and a large side plate of cheeses, spreads and hams.

He tried a bit of everything and ate slowly and Elizabeth made a comment saying he didn't need to be shy, he just smiled but didn't say anything because he wasn't being shy, he was just eating slowly because he was trying to keep himself from throwing up. The rich cheeses and sweet drinks weren't agreeing with his tempestuous insides right then but he knew he had to eat to take the pills.

He swallowed the last bite of his sandwich and then sipped his iced tea, washing the unwelcomed food down with a bit of a grimace. Just then Erica came back in to clear away some of the used dishes,

"Thank you Erica, that was really great." He forced a smile but he was sincere in his words, on any other day when he wasn't feeling like utter shit, he knew that sort of lunch would have been delightful.

She nodded while Elizabeth just smiled at her around a mouthful of juicy fruit pieces and then she walked away with handfuls of dishes. Alphonse waited until she was out of sight and then he quickly pulled the pills from his pocket, he raised it to eye level and read the label,

_'Diazepam, 10 milligrams…_ _ **perfect**_ _, it'll help me sleep as well. I wish I could keep it.'_  he popped the lid of the bottle open and dropped one of the pills into his palm.

"You can only take 3 a day, you know that right?" Elizabeth asked quietly, she was sitting beside him.

He frowned as he popped the tablet into his mouth and picked up his iced tea, he swallowed it down and then looked at her,

"It's not as if I'll have them to take." He mumbled as he tried to remember how long he'd have to wait for them to take effect, he really wanted his cold clammy skin and aching insides to ease up as soon as possible.

"What do you mean?" she blinked at him with a forkful of peach slices just inches from her mouth.

To make his point he held the bottle out to her,

"These are your mother's right?" he'd read the prescription label, "I can't take this, she'll notice." He whispered, aware of the housekeeper. In the back of his mind he couldn't help thinking of the last time he'd stolen pills from an older woman.

_'Don't blush, don't blush…don't you dare blush.'_  His face only felt mildly warm so he figured it wouldn't be noticeable.

Elizabeth shook her head, chewing and swallowing the peaches as she placed her hand over his and pushed the bottle down below the table surface,

"She has three different prescriptions for that, she  _won't_  notice. You need it, you look awful Alphonse…" she sighed, "…I'd say you should see a doctor, but for now take those, she doesn't take it as often as her sleeping pills." Elizabeth managed a worried smile. He thought it was ironic how he also thought she needed to see a doctor but he wasn't going to bring that up right then, she was having a good day and hadn't even stumbled once since he saw her that morning.

He smiled at her and shifted their hands beneath the table, he was able to squeeze her fingers while holding the bottle,

"Thanks, you have no idea how much this'll help me."

Her smile turned sweet and she glanced at their hands before taking hers back and leaning her elbows on the table,

"As long as you stop PMS-ing, that'll be 'thanks' enough for me." she teased as she always did, brushing aside their small contact and while Al was glad she didn't take it as more than a thankful gesture, he was also sad because he could see that she'd probably have liked to.

_'How'd I get so lucky to have such a great girl interested in me?'_ He looked back to the sandwiches and reached for another one. He was still nauseous but he was feeling positive now that he had some proper meds, so he decided to attempt another one,  _'I wonder…if that's how Ed felt about Winry before I…'_  his stomach lurched and he hesitated with the small sandwich in his hand.

He needed to try and avoid those sorts of thoughts.

"Don't eat more than you can…" Elizabeth advised kindly and he didn't feel bad as he placed the sandwich on his plate untouched. He turned to watch Elizabeth as she finished off her fruit salad, her hair was pulled over her shoulder on one side and was not obscuring her face from where he sat.

She had really fine attractive features and very matte white skin, he imagined she was sought after by many men, which raised the question,

"Elizabeth, you asked me if I have a girlfriend…" he started quietly and she turned to look at him, licking some fruit juice off her lip as her fork clinked against the bowl when she pushed it aside,

"Hm?" she nodded.

"…why don't  **you**  have a boyfriend?" he asked and leaned his elbows on the table as well, pushing his plate away to make room.

She blinked and raised her eyebrows,

"Uh…I should have seen this question coming." She smiled in a strange way and then tilted her head to face him, making her hair skirt over the table surface unevenly, "Well, long story short Alphonse…" she looked at him dead on, green eyes serious and her smile slightly sad, "…I've been cheated on,  _a lot._ "

His heart sank,

"What?" he frowned and sat up straight as she nodded slightly,

"All of my boyfriends to date have cheated on me." She said quietly, with a bitter sort of humor in her tone, "so after the last one did about a year ago, I just gave up. My mother says that it's bad luck from a skipped generation because she met my dad in med school and married him. He was her first serious boyfriend, first love and they're still together, but not me…" she smiled again, but there wasn't a trace of humor now.

Alphonse could only imagine how it must have hurt…every single time.

That  **one**  time when he'd come home to find Edward coming out of Winry's temporary bedroom with his pants undone and his hair untidy…Alphonse had felt like his insides were suddenly ripped apart, and yet Ed hadn't even been with him then, they'd still been going through their rough patch.

But to be in a relationship and be cheated on  _every_  time…

"That's…that's horrible, how can people be so…cruel and fickle." He frowned and shook his head, he knew he'd love Edward forever, he didn't understand how feelings for some people were so fleeting.

"So, you believe in monogamy…" she said quietly, almost dreamily and with a small smile.

Alphonse didn't hesitate,

"Yes, of course…monogamy and loyalty, trust and honesty, commitment and love." He sighed, noticing how every word punctuated how he felt for Edward, he was just glad his stomach wasn't reacting violently to it.

He glanced at Elizabeth again, she looked sort of sad and he realized why she'd sounded so dreamy,

_'…oh right, she likes me. I probably sound great to her…she has no idea how fucked up I really am.'_  He smiled at her,

"But you shouldn't give up, there are guys out there who aren't superficial bastards you know, I've met quite a few good guys…so there have to be more." He reasoned.

She just shrugged and pushed her chair back to stand up,

"Not in the city there aren't." she mumbled.

He frowned,

_'Oh dammit, I'm not from the city…geez, how long has she liked me?'_  he was starting to really wonder how blind he'd been to her feelings. How long had she been considering him as a possibility and  _when_  had she realized she wasn't getting anywhere?

She'd said before that she knew he didn't want to be more than friends, so she obviously got to a point where she noticed he wasn't feeling the same and he wondered what exactly he'd done to make her realize it.

He stood up as well and decided to change the subject but then she did first as she walked toward the hall and he followed,

"You should lie down, those are strong pills, in another 15 minutes you'll be as good as high." She joked as if they hadn't been having a serious conversation. He fell into step beside her,

"Yeah, I'm already feeling better." He admitted since his insides were easing their continuous ache, "Are your parents at work, are you sure they won't mind me being here?"

Elizabeth shook her head,

"Nope, daddy might have but he's in the North for a few days and my mother won't mind at all. She'll be home later after work and you'll have to endure dinner with her…" she made a face that said 'sorry'.

Alphonse just shook his head and smiled,

"I think your parents are wonderful people, I don't mind at all."

She gave him a crocodile grin,

"You better not say such charming stuff at dinner, or I swear, my mother is going to start negotiating with you about marrying me the minute she gets you alone." She shook her head.

Alphonse didn't know why he said it, maybe because there was still an underlying sadness in her eyes that were usually so happy, but the words just slipped out and they were honest,

"You deserve far better than someone who needs to be negotiated with." He said it very quietly.

Her eyes brightened just a bit, he knew he eased at least some of her emotional ache with his kind words. He knew the effect of kind words well, it was the same feeling he had anytime that Edward looked at him and told him how much he loved him.

No matter how little he felt he deserved it.

* * *

Alphonse swore he could feel Edward's warm breath on the back of his neck, he felt like the touches of hands –slightly rough textured skin of Ed's dexterous fingers- were trailing over his arm until their fingers laced together. He could have sworn that Ed was lying with him, spooning him, for how warm, relaxed and calm he was…

But the bed he laid on smelled of fresh and unfamiliar laundry detergent and there was a comfortable quiet around him instead of a deafening silence like the one in their apartment. Alphonse knew even before he took a quiet deep breath and opened his heavy eyelids, that he was not lying beside Edward…he wasn't lying beside anyone.

He swallowed thickly, his mouth felt dry but still tasted vaguely sweet from the iced tea he'd drunk earlier. He rolled onto his back from the spoon position he'd been laying in, the spot he rolled into was cold. He frowned irritably, opening and closing his bleary eyes a few times before he actually looked around the unfamiliar guest bedroom.

It was dark.

He groaned quietly and brought his hands up to rub at his eyes,

_'How long did I sleep? I must have been really out of it to just come over to Elizabeth's house and fall asleep like the dead.'_  he sighed as he sat up slowly, his head felt heavy and he was a little congested but he also felt rested and not anxious.

He looked around the plain but nice bedroom that Elizabeth had shown him to after they'd eaten, his eyesight was adjusting to dark and he could make out the drawers, wardrobe and sofa that were in the bedroom besides the bed. He also noticed the curtains were drawn and he wondered if Elizabeth had closed them before or after he'd fallen asleep.

It was sort of a blur to him, once the pills had kicked in and mixed with all of his already present exhaustion, his mind and body's stress had slowed down to a manageable pace. He remembered being grateful that she'd taken him to the guestroom and told him to lay down…because he'd slipped into sleep so quickly he'd probably been just short of passing out on the nearest surface.

_'Those pills are heavenly.'_  He smiled slightly and sniffed uselessly, his nasal passages were all blocked up. His smiled faded after a moment as he shifted to get off the bed, he sat on the edge and placed his face in his hands,

_'I have to thank Elizabeth for everything…'_  his back stiffened and he made an awkward face before glancing at the door,  _'…her mother must be home by now and I've been passed out in the bedroom. Shit, talk about pathetic and rude.'_  He groaned again quietly and gripped handfuls of his hair.

He was feeling better but even with that he was reminded that this wasn't  _home_ …so he couldn't be completely comfortable. As that thought crossed his mind Alphonse had another urgent thought and it jolted him into a standing position so fast his bruise hurt,

"Oh shit…Edward." He felt guilty –even if it didn't make his insides ache- because he knew that Ed would be worried about him, since it was dark out then it was far later than he should have returned home by.

And Edward didn't have any idea where he was.

_'He's gonna be so pissed…'_  Alphonse threw all of his previous cares out of his mind, Elizabeth's mother namely, and he walked to the door without putting his shoes back on and let himself out. He glanced along the hall both ways, vaguely remembering that Elizabeth had taken him to the bedroom beside her own.

He walked a meter and half to her bedroom door and knocked in quick rapid succession; feeling troubled because he knew Ed would be stressing over him,

_'I really am a complete asshole, he doesn't deserve to have to worry about me on top of everything else.'_  He scolded himself and was just about to knock again when the door opened and Elizabeth blinked her green eyes at him and smiled,

"Hey, the dead has risen." She pulled the door open wider and then frowned, "Why do you look so worried, the medication should still be in your system, you can't be feel-…"

"What time is it?" he asked quickly and ran a hand through his –undoubtedly- messy hair.

She blinked a few times and then glanced at her wristwatch,

"It's after 8…why, what's wrong?"

Alphonse took a few quick breaths and smacked his hand to his forehead,

"I have to call Edward, he must be so worried about me." he groaned.

Elizabeth quickly stood up straight,

"Oh, you need a phone?"

He nodded quickly as he dragged his hand down the side of his face, he was really glad he wasn't in any pain inside, just the slightest throb from his bruise was all he felt, he knew if it wasn't for the medication he'd have been splitting with pain right then for his inconsideration towards his brother.

Elizabeth waved for him to follow down the hall and so he did, they stopped outside another closed door and she opened it and told him to go inside with her. It wasn't a bedroom so he didn't feel too uncomfortable but when he realized it was a study or office he frowned,

"Is this your dad's?" he assumed as he glanced around the lavish room lined with bright shiny wood shelving, it was an almost dazzling room of amber and beige, books, paintings and collected ornamental items.

"Yeah, we have a personal phone line in here, you can call your brother." she was over at the desk, holding up the handset for the phone.

_'They have a personal phone line…'_  he thought as he approached, knowing few people who did. Calling Edward was still his main priority, even though he felt that he probably shouldn't be in her father's personal study.

"Thanks, I won't be long." He took the handset from her, he hoped she'd leave but he didn't really expect her to, he was only calling his brother after all and she wouldn't think he'd want privacy for that.

It wasn't like he needed any actually.

He turned the dial and input their apartment building's telephone number and then he waited as the line connected and it started to ring. It rang a few times before someone answered,

"Hi, Alphonse Elric calling for apartment 34." He said evenly and glanced at Elizabeth as she flopped into her father's oversized fancy desk chair. It reminded Al of Mustang's office chair and being reminded of the General made him clench his hand around the phone handset tightly.

The receptionist asked who he was calling to speak to,

"Edward Elric." He said distractedly as he considered how even in his current less than fit state, without Roy Mustang's alchemy he'd still be able to beat the man to a pulp. He smirked just slightly, making sure he wasn't facing Elizabeth when he did so.

The woman on the line asked him to hold, he knew they'd send a message up to the apartment so he sighed and leaned against the large desk to wait. He wondered if Edward would yell at him for being inconsiderate…or for not being home…or just in general to vent after what had happened the night before.

He blinked slowly as he listened to the dull hum of the open line, Alphonse knew it was pathetic but either way, he was looking forward to hearing Edward's voice. He'd been doing well not to think about their incident on the kitchen table but that morning he'd blushed –despite being hurried- when he'd walked into the kitchen to get some water. He also hadn't missed the two mismatched plastic bowls laid out on the floor, one contained half eaten on cat kibble –some of it littered the floor around the bowl- and the other had some water in it.

He'd felt irresponsible when he'd seen that, having completely forgotten that his cat would need food and he'd closed CookieBoots out of the bedroom thoughtlessly,

_'I should thank him for feeding Mr. CookieBoots, it's not like it's his responsibility. He lets me have a pet, I shouldn't neglect to take care of it…'_  he sighed and folded his arm across his chest, still waiting.

He frowned, distracting himself with bland thoughts of just how much trouble it would be to get a personal line installed in their apartment, but he knew it wouldn't be a good idea. Permanent phone lines were best installed in permanent residences,

_'Maybe someday when we own a house…'_  the thought was so automatic it was sad.

Alphonse pursed his lips, vaguely aware of Elizabeth humming a tune behind him, as he thought about the fact that ultimately he and Edward would end up living apart. They'd have separate houses…and maybe wives and children. But even though the realistic outcome occurred to him, he honestly couldn't picture it, he couldn't imagine Edward living a domesticated life with kids and a wife.

He should have been able to though, because Edward was living a domesticated life with him and a cat and it was organized and mundane and ordinary, everything Ed hated, but he did it because he loved Alphonse, so maybe if Ed loved someone else he would do it for them too in future. Alphonse still didn't know how Edward felt about having children, whether he'd ever wanted any, Al himself was still avoiding giving his own feelings on the subject too much thought.

Because…he didn't want to accept the cold hard fact that he and Edward could never be…a normal couple.

No matter what, no matter how long they would stay together, no matter how much they loved each other, no matter how much they sacrificed or compromised for one another…

… **no matter what**. They would never be able to live in the real world as a couple.

_'We could never have kids because we can't adopt, a gay couple can, but we wouldn't be able to because our relationship is illegal. We could never be publically open, we could never get married and in the long run people would ask us questions and get suspicious the longer we lived together. The longer we stayed without partners or lover, the harder it'd be to hide.'_  The medication was doing a good job staving off the worst of his anxiety, but his increasingly depressing thoughts were effective enough to make his stomach feel cold.

Now when he really thought about it…how would he ever be with Edward? It'd always be too complicated, it'd always be illegal…it'd always be wrong and disgust people. He was naïve, he'd been naïve all along and yet  **still** , Alphonse referred to their relationship as though they were still together, he thought about Ed with the same hopefulness in his heart that they could work it out somehow…and just be together.

_'Because I love him…I love him so mu-…"_

_-"Al? Are you okay?"_  Edward's quiet but noticeably concerned voice made him blink and the deepening frown slipped from face as he tried to imagine the expression his older brother had right then.

He swallowed quietly, glancing over his shoulder to see what Elizabeth was doing –she was braiding her hair and Al's stomach felt even colder,

"Yes, I'm fine." Al said and he stopped himself from sighing as his frown returned.

Seeing her braid her hair reminded him of Edward's long silken hair…again he clutched the handset tightly.

_-"O-okay,"_  Edward sounded uncertain but still worried _, "that's good…uh…"_  he sighed slightly and Al lowered his gaze to the floor,  _"uh, are you out, you'll be home later?"_

It was a simple question but the way Edward worded it made it sound as though he were hoping Al would confirm that he was in fact coming home. He wanted to say 'yes' almost automatically but at the same time, he remembered what had happened the night before, he remembered crying until he was so exhausted and his throat had hurt…he remembered how good Ed smelled, tasted, sounded and felt and he just knew that if he went home, there was a good chance things might go the way they had in the kitchen.

It would get more confusing and complicated.

Because Al wasn't coping quite as well as he'd hoped he would with their break up.

"Uh, no Edward…I won't be home later." He said quietly and glanced at Elizabeth behind him, she just smiled reassuringly, "I'm at Elizabeth's, I'll be staying over here tonight…" that didn't sound as innocent as it was so he added, "…in the uh, guestroom."

He had been expecting the silence on the other end of the line, he knew Edward was processing what he'd just said and probably taking it apart.

_'He's gonna think I'm here to be with Elizabeth, he already suspected I like her that way and he's been talking about her to me like she's a potential girlfriend…'_  he frowned and clenched his jaw,  _'…for all I know he'll be happy to hear that I'm with her, maybe it's what he wants.'_  The thought was disheartening.

The idea that Edward would be happy if he was with someone else hurt him deeply.

His throat tensed slightly, he felt a bit like he might cry and Edward wasn't saying anything,

"Ed, are you there?" he asked quietly and gripped his upper arm tightly.

After a short beat of silence,

_-"Yeah, yeah okay Al…"_ Edward said shortly, sounding annoyed, Alphonse didn't know how to take that response.

He didn't know if Edward was annoyed by the news of him staying at Elizabeth's or because he hadn't called and had made Ed worry about him,

"Uh…alright," he frowned sadly, "I'll see you in the morning when I come home to change clothes before uni." He pushed himself off the table where he was leaning and unfolded his arm, clenching his fist slightly.

_-"Yeah, sure Al, whatever."_  Edward sounded dismissive and it made Alphonse's heart ache, of all the physical pain he'd been experiencing lately, this one was different. To Al it sort of sounded like Edward was rushing the conversation along, now that he knew Al was okay, he sounded like the details of 'why' the younger blonde was at Elizabeth's didn't bother him.

He swallowed sorely and tried not to fidget as he had to bite back the many things he wanted to say to Edward, some of the main ones being 'are you mad at me?', 'do you like Mustang?' and 'I miss you'. But he couldn't say any of that, not only because Elizabeth was in the room but also because he had no right to ask Edward about Roy and to tell Ed he missed him after a few hours just seemed so pitiful.

_'We're not together anymore, I can't…'_  he slipped his shaking hand into his pocket quickly,

"Ok…I guess that's all." He said quickly and softly, attempting to sound normal, realizing now his anxiety was probably quite extreme if it was showing through the Diazepam, "Good night Edward. See you tomorrow."  _'I love you, I miss you…'_  he let out a quiet breath.

_-"Night, Alphonse."_  Edward said abruptly and the next thing Alphonse heard was a sudden dial tone in his ear, Ed had hung up before he'd even thought to take the handset from his ear.

He quickly took the phone from his ear and inhaled a slow breath as he reached back, he glanced over his shoulder and spotted the phone on the desk before he put the handset on the hook and then he turned around again quickly facing away from Elizabeth. Alphonse glanced at his hands, they were both shaking and immediately he stuck his one hand back into his pocket and grabbed the small bottle of tablets.

He was just dropping a tablet into his palm when Elizabeth came up next to him –her hair was loose again- and held his wrist lightly, she was frowning at how badly he was shaking,

"Alphonse, you should probably get something to eat before you take that. You last ate at noon…" she informed him quietly.

Alphonse glanced at her, some distant part of his mind wondered just what she thought about him shaking so badly after just having a simple conversation with Edward, but the forefront of his thoughts made him pull his hand up from her light grasp and throw the pill into his mouth.

He dry swallowed with a grimace and watched as her expression took on one of sadness. But she didn't say anything and Alphonse didn't have anything to say either, he knew he was starting to look more and more like some kind of prescription addict but having been hung up on by Edward left a gaping emptiness in his chest that he could hardly describe.

He craved numbness…nothingness…to be without any feeling at all…he craved his armor body and he felt so horrible for indirectly craving death.

She just watched as he closed the bottle and re-pocketed the pills, Alphonse wanted to change the subject desperately and he stuffed his hands into his pockets to lessen the visibility of his shaking,

"I should say hi to your mother, she must think I'm really rude." He tried to say lightly but his voice was tense.

Elizabeth just shook her head,

"She's not here, she called a few hours earlier, she said she was going out and would only be home late. That usually means after midnight so it's just me, you and Erica." She sighed, "I told her you're here though, so it's fine."

Alphonse was sure he'd never heard so many sighs and seen so many frowns on Elizabeth's pretty face before.

He was feeling so shaken and cold, his anxiety creeping into his skin like uncomfortable pin pricks that he hoped she'd forgive him for seeking just a bit of comfort from her warmth,

"Elizabeth…" he said softly and when she looked up at him from the shiny tiled floor, Alphonse raised his arms and slid them around her small shoulders and he brought her towards him into a loose hug, "…thank you." He whispered as he leaned his cheek against her hair.

She smelled nice, like roses…and though her frame was smaller than his own she fit nicely in his arms.

She was a bit stiff at first but after he thanked her he felt her body relax and she leaned into him, her arms came up and encircled his torso and she squeezed him just slightly, bringing herself closer so that she was pressed against him and her nose rested against the front of his shoulder,

"You don't have to thank me, we're friends, this is what friends are for you know." She said slightly muffled and he could feel her lukewarm hands pressed flat against his mid back.

She was nowhere near as warm as Edward, but it was still warmth where he was cold and it comforted him.

"You're shivering…" she whispered and he knew he was, "…I have your jacket if you want it." She suggested. He closed his eyes for a moment as he held her,

"It's the anxiety, I'm not cold…" it was the truth, he wasn't cold in temperature, he was cold inside. Empty.

His words seemed to distress her, she sighed heavily against his shoulder and squeezed him tighter, tight enough that their closeness put too much pressure on his bruise and he grimaced and flinched backwards slightly. She quickly pulled back, a little wide eyed and glanced from his face to his mid-section,

"Oh crap, sorry Alphonse. I completely forgot about your stomach…" she eased back, giving him his personal space back, she looked less sad and he felt just a bit less empty.

"I did too to be honest." He mumbled and ran a hand through his hair as he glanced at her, "I'll bet I look a mess huh?" he tried to smile. She did smile, even if it was small,

"Not really, besides, that sex hair always looks good on you." She said with a teasing wink and Alphonse's smile grew to be more genuine as he blushed slightly.

She gestured for him to follow as she walked toward the door and he shook his head as he did so,

"It's not sex hair, its bed hair."

"Yes and sex happens in a bed –oh…" she started to say and then turned around to walk backwards out of the room as she looked at him, "…Alphonse, you  _naughty_  boy, where have you been having sex?" she grinned and narrowed her eyes at him.

She had no idea just how much her words affected him due to recent –kitchen table- related sex events and he turned a bright shade of red in an instant. She probably would have asked why he blushed so furiously if it hadn't been for Erica standing just outside the door with raised eyebrows at hearing their topic of conversation, but for this reason Elizabeth blushed brightly as well and they both look at the older woman awkwardly.

He cleared his throat quietly and willed his face to cool down and Elizabeth –while blushing- hadn't been able to stop smiling,

"Alphonse was just making a call to his brother…and now…" she reached out and grabbed Al's wrist, "…we're going to uh…" she started tugging him around Erica and he went along without hesitation, "…um, to get him some ice."

Alphonse had to smile as well at how awkward the entire situation felt, he had never had uncomfortable teenage mischief moments and he found he appreciated it, even if he wasn't a teenager and had never really been.

Once they were out of sight and back in the lounge Elizabeth erupted in a fit of giggles and Alphonse just smiled and glanced back down the hall,

"She must be wondering what I need ice for." Alphonse said logically.

"Maybe she thinks it's some weird sex kink." Elizabeth snickered perversely.

"She doesn't think like you." He mumbled as they made their way into the kitchen.

"Well that's true, Erica does seem sort of frigid." She said it like it was a secret but her whisper wasn't near soft enough and Alphonse shot her a reproachful look,  
"Elizabeth, that is  _incredibly_  rude…not to mention presumptuous and insulting." He whispered as he glanced back through the kitchen doorway out of paranoia that Erica had heard.

Elizabeth giggled as she noisily pulled ice trays from the back of a freezer,

"Relax Al, you're such a goody-goody." She stuck her tongue out at him and bumped the freezer closed with her shoulder. He narrowed his eyes slightly and shook his head but didn't say anything, over the years he'd been told in many variations that he was basically just too nice and polite, he hardly bothered to insist otherwise or explain that having manners was not a bad thing. It was wasted breath.

He watched as Elizabeth pulled a hasty cold compress together, obviously something learned in basic med classes, and then when she was done she walked by him and gestured back to the kitchen doorway.

After another walk back through the large penthouse they ended up in the guest bedroom,

"Okay, lie down and let's put this on you." She said as she climbed onto the bed on her knees and waddled along until she was somewhat in the center, she was still in her clothes from that morning minus her shoes.

Alphonse didn't protest, the medication was once again taking effect and he felt wonderfully relaxed, so he went over to the bed and sat down before laying back with his head on a pillow,

"Alright." He said with a tired sigh as he relaxed very easily into the mattress and he pulled his shirt up as far as his chest. Usually he'd never have been quite so okay with doing such a thing, but he felt sort of weightless and uninterested right then.

It got very quiet for a moment and when Al glanced at Elizabeth he saw that despite a faint blush she was frowning and looking at his stomach, at his bruise. He picked his head up slightly, glancing down at his stomach before he placed his head back down,

"I know it looks bad…" he sighed and feeling extremely sleepy he closed his eyes.

"It looks worse than bad and…it looks like it hurts." She said quietly and placed the compress to his skin.

He flinched slightly, forgetting for a second that being numb to emotional feeling wasn't the same as physical,

"Sorry, I should have warned you." She apologized quickly and then gingerly adjusted the compress.

"It's okay…just cold." He tried to smile but was distracted by the cold molding to his sore skin.

For a minute there was silence as she half kneeled and half leaned on her arm beside him where he laid, her other hand was idly shifting the compress over his bruised stomach area. His eyes remained closed but he wasn't asleep, as relaxed as he was and feeling rather good, Edward slipped into his mind quite easily.

Pleasant thoughts of smiles and laughter, happiness and simpler times at first and then slowly it shifted to an unlit bedroom with heavy breathing, smiles of a different kind and the feeling of Ed's hands and the memory of his taste and touch. Alphonse shivered and frowned, knowing full well he should not be thinking about sex with Edward in general, let alone with Elizabeth right next to him.

He already started warming up but thankfully his entire body seemed sluggish to respond, which saved him any physical reaction to his dubious thoughts,

"Are you cold?" Elizabeth asked very quietly and without asking she removed the compress and pulled his shirt down gently, "Or are you asleep?" she had a light humor in her tone and Alphonse managed a sleepy smile,

"I'm not sleeping." He exhaled drowsily.

She laughed quietly,

"You don't trust me with your prone body, do you?" she asked sounding sad but he knew she was teasing so he opened his eyes to look at her, deciding to be honest,

"I do actually." He admitted solemnly, she had no idea how much he valued his body and what it meant to trust someone besides Edward with his vulnerability, especially in his current state.

She blinked once and then again, looking a bit surprised by his serious tone of voice but then she smiled and tilted her head so her hair all fell to one side, like a shiny black curtain slipping over her shoulder,

"I'm glad to hear that, sometimes I think I make you uncomfortable." She laughed again but it didn't have the same humor, not in her tone or eyes.

Alphonse kept his sleepy gaze on Elizabeth but he was more aware of her now, her words made him feel bad, he knew he probably hurt her sometimes with how nervous he acted around her,

"You don't…" he started but she wasn't looking at him so he raised his hand and patted her lightly on her knee, when she looked at him he frowned slightly, "…you don't make me uncomfortable." He said in a firm but quiet tone.

_'You just make me feel guilty…'_

She glanced down for a second and then looked back to his face,

"Except when I flirt with you, right?" she sounded just a tad more serious now.

It was Alphonse's turn to avert his gaze, he took in a slow breath and brought his hand up to run it through his hair, but the gesture was so lazy that his hand settled on his forehead instead,

"Not uncomfortable…" he settled his sleepy gaze back on her, "…it's just, well, we're friends so I…" he slowly moved his hand up into his hair, it felt damp but he knew it was just cold.

Elizabeth smiled sadly,

"You just don't like me like that…" she shifted slightly, scratching her manicured dark painted nails over her pale lips with her free hand. Alphonse's frown deepened,

"That's not true, I like you…" he said quietly, although whether he was admitting to liking her as a friend or as a woman, he wasn't really sure, his head felt heavy and his mind was a little foggy.

She frowned as well just slightly,

"Sure but, as…as a friend…or…?" she wasn't going to finish the question, her eyes were clear and questioning enough for him to know what she was asking. He swallowed slowly and blinked tiredly,

"I…" he felt like he knew the answer but in his subconscious lay the burden of guilt he bore for what he'd done to Edward and the fact that he needed to move on, "…I honestly…" but he still had no idea what he was supposed to do, "…I don't know, I don't…"

The atmosphere became uncertain between them but despite the quiet being noticeable, the air was warm enough and the softness of the mattress beneath Alphonse removed the feeling of emptiness from his insides for the moment, he felt relaxed and calm as he stared up through half lidded eyes at Elizabeth.

When she shifted from leaning on her hand to her elbow, sliding downward slowly toward him, Alphonse should have suspected what she was going to do. But he felt sluggish and it wasn't until she'd leaned down far enough so that their faces were inches apart that he realized what was happening.

He also didn't expect the tingles over his skin that followed the touch of Elizabeth's –so very soft- lips to his own.

The tingles were fleeting, they'd been caused by surprise and unexpected sensation, nothing more. But her lips remained lightly pressed to his own and Alphonse's already half closed eyes drifted shut…and he puckered his lips slowly against hers. When he responded she reacted by pressing a little firmer into the kiss, molding their lips together and Alphonse felt her exhale just as he inhaled.

With her so close to him he could smell her just as he had when he'd hugged her, her scent was pleasant and in his lethargic state, comforting. When she pulled back slightly and then kissed him again, her actions were surer and her kiss steadier, Alphonse responded accordingly. They shared a few slow lip to lip kisses before there was even the slightest slip of tongue to lips and Alphonse was surprised because it'd been him to seek a deeper kiss from her…and she obliged.

Slowly he kissed her, easing his tongue into her mouth as she parted her lips and slipped her tongue against his own, letting him take control in a way he wasn't really used to. It didn't last long, a few seconds at most was all he needed to taste her –not even thoroughly- but enough for his mind to tell him that Edward tasted different…

…and Edward was his preference.

Just as slowly, so calmly, Alphonse moved his hand from his hair to her face, his fingers tangling in her smooth long hair, he cupped her cheek and stroked his tongue along hers one final time before he gently eased her head back so their lips parted with a soft wet sound.

Despite his preference being Edward, he'd never shared such a kiss with his brother. They'd kissed with many emotions, but never before with so much sensual curiosity. The same way he'd been curious to taste her she'd seemed the same, there was no hurried breathing between them or hastiness and Alphonse opened his eyes before hers by only a moment and they looked at each other seriously.

Her pale lips were a pretty pink to match her cheeks and her dark hair was falling around her face in silky wisps, Alphonse felt like he should probably be blushing too, maybe feel at least a little aroused by having kissed her, but he was pleasantly numb over all so instead, when she smiled a small smile at him, he returned it and didn't let all the rest worry him.

She leaned back up slowly on her elbow beside him, they were practically lying together and under less medicated circumstances that would have bothered Alphonse being the gentleman that he was. He listened to her breathing and he closed his eyes again, subconsciously he was aware that having kissed Elizabeth was a big deal, it was something that was going to affect their friendship, it was going to make things more confusing…but he simply couldn't bring himself out of the lightweight haze in his mind long enough to care right then.

He wasn't even sure how much time passed as he lay there in comfortable silence, he licked his lips a few times and tasted remnants of Elizabeth's lipstick and the bland aftertaste of kissing someone and exchanging saliva. That should have bothered him too, but it didn't. His thoughts drifted from Elizabeth's frigid housekeeper, to a few hard to pronounce medical terms that annoyed him, to the smell of Edward's cologne…the sharp lines of his straight white teeth when he grinned…to the perfect balance of human ingredients, the array to transmute a body and finally to the numbness in his fingertips.

Alphonse was on the verge of sleep when Elizabeth's soft voice brought him back,

"Can I ask you something personal?"

"Hm." He almost smiled when he realized how much he sounded like Edward when he was distracted.

"That bruise, you said it was an accident?"

"Hm hm." He nodded very slightly, barely moving his head as he placed his hands on his stomach below the injured area, wiggling his fingers absently to disperse the numbness.

"Was it really an accident?" her voice sounded a little tighter now and Alphonse frowned and forced his eyes open, his eyelids felt heavy but after a few blinks he managed to keep them open, he looked at her,

"What do you mean, was it  _really_  an accident?" his voice was deeper than usual, laced with lethargy.

She looked a bit unsure and shifted so she was laying on her stomach next to him, leaning on both elbows and fiddling with the pillow case as she spoke,

"You said you and your brother were doing physical training and you got hurt by accident…but I just don't understand how you get hurt like that from training." She shook her head.

Alphonse's mind didn't comprehend as fast as usual so at first he didn't get what she was implying,

"Sparring…" he corrected and she looked at him with a confused frown, "…when I said training, I meant sparring as in fighting." He swallowed and blinked tiredly again, "Well, pseudo-fighting actually, anyway, I didn't block fast enough and this happened." He patted his stomach lightly below the contusion; his voice was a little steadier and not so much of a mumble as he came around.

"Oh…" she blinked as if she didn't understand but Alphonse didn't feel like explaining further, "…so then, your brother didn't…uh, he didn't-" she brushed some hair out of her face, "-he didn't assault you?" she asked uncertainly.

Alphonse felt something very much like offense and anger grip him but it faded quickly because of the medication and instead he laughed a little loudly and looked at her like she was crazy,

"Assault? As in, did my brother hit me intentionally?" he didn't wait for an answer, he just laughed a bit more and shook his head before he spoke again, his tone inflecting more adoration than he could have helped in his state, "Edward would  **never** try to hurt me, my brother would  _die_  before he ever laid a harmful hand on me…Edward loves me." he sighed and closed his eyes again, "Don't be silly, Elizabeth." He finished flatly and closed his eyes again.

She didn't say anything for a while but Alphonse's slow comprehension worked its way through the fog and he opened his eyes again to look at her questioningly, she was staring at her hands distantly,

"Why would you think that?" he asked quietly.

She seemed surprised when he spoke, her black lashes fluttered a few times before she spoke,

"Well, because…" she clenched her dainty fists, "…because when you spoke to him on the phone, you were  **shaking**  Alphonse. It seemed like maybe you were afraid or something…" he raised an eyebrow, "…and this accident happened the morning after I was there, I just thought maybe you and him had a fight about me showing up there uninvited an-…"

"Is that…" he started to say and then finally coming around to the conversation fully he pushed himself up, leaning on his elbows while lying on his back, "…is that what you think this is about?" he asked seriously.

She frowned and hung her head before pushing herself up and shifting to sit properly next to him,

"I didn't know for sure, I was just worried…" she mumbled and placed her face in her hands, her hair fell forward to cover her entire side profile.

Alphonse took in a deep breath before he sat up fully and rubbed his eyes,

"It's got nothing to do with you," he drew his leg up and leaned one arm on it as he looked at her sitting beside him, "I promise. Edward and I…we had a disagreement about something and we're trying to work it out, that's all, okay?" He explained quietly.

She nodded, he only knew because her hair swayed slightly and then she raised her head again and turned to look at him, she looked tired as well,

"You're really close to him, aren't you?" she tried to smile.

Alphonse wondered if he should be feeling worried by the seriousness of her question but the worry never came to fruition, so he answered honestly,

"Very." He said in a quiet but sure tone, "It's been just the two of us since we were only little children, we've been through more than most people can understand." he averted his gaze to the mattress and clenched his fist,  _'No one knows what we went through emotionally, yet all of them will be the ones to judge us if they ever find out what's happened between us.'_  It made him sad to think about.

It didn't matter that it shouldn't have happened, what mattered was that it happened because of their feelings, emotional obligations and extenuating circumstances. Even if it wasn't quite so cut and dried, Alphonse really wished it were. He wished everyone would leave them alone…

When he looked back to her he was surprised to see her smiling,

"What?" he blinked.

"I just think it's great. I don't know what it's like to be that close to anyone…so close that just having a disagreement takes such a toll on you, I doubt I ever will." She sounded sincere enough but he listened for any sarcasm, there didn't seem to be any.

Hearing her say it made him uncomfortable, wondering if it could be considered suspicious that he was so emotionally torn up over a disagreement with his brother. They were adults, they were men…didn't couples have fights like this…not brothers?

He decided to ask her opinion, trying to sound amused as he did so,

"You don't think it's weird?" it was a straightforward question asked with a fake smile.

Elizabeth raised her eyebrows lazily,

"Weird?"

He swallowed nervously and didn't look at her,

"We've been told we're too close…" he remembered Pinako telling them that once when they were much, much younger and spent all of their time together, "…you know, unhealthily so." He glanced at her to gauge her reaction.

Elizabeth smiled again and then she shook her head,

"It's probably just because you're men, if you were sisters no one would care at all." She said it so matter-of-factly Alphonse couldn't help smile, "I've read a few stories about the Fullmetal Alchemist and his brother, being a part of the military at your ages, being in the sort of constant danger that comes with that alone sounds like more than most adult men can handle. I don't know much about you and brother as kids or what you went through Alphonse…" her hand shifted to settle over his on the mattress between them, "…but I do know that life must be just a little easier knowing you have someone that you can rely on for anything, family or otherwise, it's pretty rare, so I think you and your brother are  **lucky**  to have each other." Her fingers curled around his hand.

Alphonse blinked slowly and turned his eyes back to her before he curled his own fingers into hers and held her hand but he didn't say anything, her words were as sincere as they could be and her smile was completely genuine, he didn't need to say anything. She'd never know the full story but she wasn't judging them and that counted for something.

"You should know though…" her tone was much lighter all of a sudden, laced with her usual teasing humor, "…whatever girl you decide to marry will need to know that she has to share you with him," she had no idea how that sounded to Alphonse, "or you're going to end up with a lot of heartbroken ex's following fights for your attention." she giggled.

Her words intrigued him,

"What do you mean?"

Elizabeth's green eyes became as serious as he'd ever seen them despite her smile,

"It's obvious that your brother is your first priority, so the women in your life will never really be number one…and they'll just have to accept that." at this point she squeezed his hand again, "I've never seen you as upset as I did this morning, I hope whatever disagreement you're having can be worked out Alphonse, seeing you like that was really upsetting."

He didn't really know when the conversation had gotten to be so serious but he did know one thing, after hearing her say that any women in his life would have to accept they'd never come first, he'd been reminded of one person. Winry.

There was something about the resignation of her tone of voice that reminded him of his longtime friend, a friend he no longer thought of often or really wanted around, a friend who had always spoken in that tone when concerning Edward… every time they went away and left her waiting. He hadn't understood that tone until she'd stood in his bedroom so many months ago and asked him if Edward was seeing someone else. She'd looked a little hurt, a little betrayed…but so resigned, as though the idea of Edward not choosing her didn't surprise her that much. Alphonse had felt smug then because he realized that Winry had gotten used to coming second in his life.

But now Elizabeth's tone of voice held the same sad acceptance and the subtle squeeze of his hand at that exact moment…it was like she was trying to tell him that she understood and accepted it. And whether she knew or not, the months they'd been friends were the same as it had been for Winry over the years.

He and Elizabeth were labeled friends, just as Edward and Winry had always been and Elizabeth liked Al romantically, just as Winry always had liked Ed. And now…Elizabeth was waiting, hoping and biding her time as his friend while his life centered around his brother, just as Edward's life had been centered around him while Winry waited.

Alphonse blinked his gold-green eyes a few times,

_'Elizabeth…is my Winry.'_  It seemed like a conceited thought but he didn't think he was wrong,  _'I don't deserve a person that dedicated to me, just like I don't deserve Edward.'_

"Anyway…" Elizabeth said with a sigh, more than a minute of silence had lapsed and Alphonse realized he probably should have said something to her heartfelt words, "…I'm sure you're tired, oh, and you probably want to have a bath or shower?" she removed her hand and started to get off the bed.

He shook his head,

"No thanks, I'm too tired right now and besides, I have no change of clothes." He managed a smile, "You look tired too, I've stressed you out enough for today, you should get some sleep."

She looked like she might argue but then she shrugged and walked to the partially closed bedroom door,

"You'll feel better in the morning and I think you should take tomorrow off as well…doctor's orders." she gave him a stern look and leaned against the door. Alphonse smiled,

"Yes ma'am." he raised an eyebrow and made a show of tipping a nonexistent hat.

Elizabeth just grinned and then her smile turned affectionate,

"Sleep well, Alphonse. Breakfast is at -…"

"8.30, I remember." His smile eased up a little, becoming more thoughtful as he regarded the look she was giving him. She nodded,

"Night." She turned and stepped out,

"Good night, Elizabeth." He watched her as she switched the main light off and pulled the door on until it closed behind her.

The moment the door clicked quietly shut and he was alone in the dark…the look she'd had on her face burned brightly in his mind and it finally sunk in. He'd  **kissed**  her.

_'I kissed her, I kissed her…why did I…?'_  he blinked several times and pressed his face into his hands, feeling how clammy his skin was from his constant cold sweats.

At the time when he'd kissed her it'd barely registered that he was doing it, but it had been short and real, it had been a proper kiss, and if he licked his lips he could still taste the lipstick traces. It was surreal in a way, it'd happened only ten minutes before and yet he felt like he was remembering something from so long ago.

"Fucking pills." He rubbed his hands over his face vigorously.

He hated that he'd been so dismally relaxed that he hadn't even seen that kiss coming and worse, he'd returned it and now, what would happen now? She was looking at him differently, even if it was only slightly, and she was saying such understanding things and holding his hand so comfortably.

One kiss…one kiss had just set something in motion.

He knew full well that one kiss could change everything between two people, he hated to remember the first time he'd gotten Edward to kiss him, which had ended so grievously –he now thought of it that way- and from there Ed had steadily deteriorated into a state of submissive misery.

Alphonse eased himself back into a horizontal position, rolling to lie on his side and burying his face into the pillow, trying to push the old memory of Edward violently throwing up in the toilet minutes after their first kiss from his mind.

_'Don't think about it, it's in the past…it's not like that now…'_  he told himself as he breathed heavily into the pillow, he hated that even with the medication in his system he could still work himself up. He swallowed thickly –tasting Elizabeth- he grimaced and proceeded to grapple and shift around on the bed in frustration until he had the covers over himself.

He shoved his head into the pillows a few times and tensed his body as his frustration worked itself out; he was angry yet too tired to express it. He sniffed after a moment and settled on his back, staring at the ceiling with a slight wetness in his eyes. A part of him felt like after all of his talk of loyalty to Elizabeth, he'd just cheated on Edward.

But the right part, the smart, logical, guilty part was telling him over and over again that he was not with Edward anymore. _Even though they'd kissed and touched and wanted just the day before._  He knew he had no right to be with his older brother.  _Even though it always felt so right and he yearned for him._

Alphonse sighed heavily and shifted around again, feeling exhausted and just wanting to sleep, he tried to clear his mind. He'd kissed her, he knew it was a bad thing, or at least he thought it was, but there was nothing he could do to change it now.

_'I don't need to feel guilty, Edward and I are_ _ **not**_ _together.'_  He rolled onto his side again and frowned into the pillow while shifting his legs restlessly.

He lay for a while keeping his eyes shut forcefully, trying to will himself to give into exhaustion but his mind turned to thoughts of his phone call to Edward earlier that evening,

_'He'd sounded so rushed, liken he'd needed to do something. Maybe he was going out again…maybe…with Mustang again?'_  he gritted his teeth and sniffed again, his eyes were still only slightly damp.

When he thought of what Elizabeth had said, when he thought of Edward going out the night before with Mustang while the older man flirted and knowing they had probably been drinking, he couldn't help but wonder…

…if maybe they'd kissed.

_'Like I kissed Elizabeth.'_  He hated that he'd never know but really, he wasn't sure he wanted to. It'd hurt before when he'd known Edward had been doing something with Winry in that bedroom and he still didn't know what that had been. He didn't want to know how he'd feel if Ed had done anything with Mustang, he'd thought Winry was the biggest threat to his relationship with Edward but somehow Mustang was just as threatening.

"Damn it, we're not together anymore…" he told himself angrily and muffled into the pillow and squeezed his damp eyes shut tightly as he thought of how Edward had kissed him, of how his older brother had so intimately and sensually touched him and talked to him the previous evening.

He shivered when he remembered Edward's fingers trailing up along his thighs as his underwear had been slipped on. Even in his medicated and relaxed state, Alphonse couldn't help the few tears that finally slipped from his eyes…

…because even though he and Edward were not together, it still felt like they should be.

* * *

The following morning brought with it waves of anxiety and embarrassment.

Alphonse shoved the door to the apartment building open, leaving the pouring rain behind him as he walked quickly through the lobby. He hadn't gotten too wet since he'd taken a cab but from the vehicle to the building entrance in the downpour had been just enough time to soak his hair, the shoulders of his shirt and his books.

He was having a fucking awful morning and the rain just seemed like the cherry on top. He'd been woken that morning by knocking on the door of the guestroom and then the sound of Elizabeth's voice asking if he was okay. Alphonse had panicked when he realized it had been after 9!

He'd pulled his shoes on and tried to tidy the bedroom and then his –god awful- appearance up as much as he could before he wobbled out of the room. While Elizabeth and her mother just looked worried, Alphonse couldn't count how many times he'd apologized while ignoring the looks. He'd been grateful to Elizabeth for lying and saying he'd taken a sleeping pill and then he'd felt guilty for quickly checking his pocket to make sure he still had the magic bottle of tablets.

Her mother hadn't seemed to mind his appearance despite his embarrassment and profuse apologies, she'd just insisted he eat something, saying he looked like death and then after he'd forced some breakfast into his nauseous and hurting insides, Elizabeth had insisted he take a shower.

The two women had seemed intent on fussing but Alphonse didn't let himself get caught up in their concern. Every part of his -no longer medicated- mind was screaming at him to go  **home**  to Edward.

He'd known he looked like utter shit but he'd declined and said he had to get home, so he'd slipped into the bathroom to wash his face and rinse his mouth out –it was so dry- before he apologized a few more times to Elizabeth and her mother, declined a lift home, and evacuated the building as fast as his weak legs had been able to carry him.

In the cab he'd managed to –luckily- find parked off around the corner, he'd taken his first pill for the morning and waited with very little patience for his aching stomach to ease up and shortly after that the light drizzle had turned to fat rain drops, pelting the cab and the streets furiously. Since waking to worn off meds, he'd been feeling nauseous and as the previous day and night's events had resurfaced it'd steadily gotten worse.

Too much stress.

It wasn't going away and medication, Alphonse knew, was not the answer.

As he forced his tired legs up the first flight of stairs Alphonse frowned to himself, he stopped to lean against the banister of the empty staircase with his free hand,

"I'm not…I'm not coping…." He mumbled to himself, sighing before he slowly continued up and around the corner to the next flight.

He finally reached the apartment door about two minutes later and he tried the handle, the fact that it was locked sent a shock of worry and confusion through him. He clutched his books tighter to himself as he stuffed his hands into his front pants pocket, then his back pocket.

He frowned and then swapped the books to his opposite arm and searched his left pockets, he felt the tablet bottle in the front pocket and his wallet in the back…but no keys.

"The fuck…" he frowned irritably and uselessly searched his pockets again before he groaned and leaned his head against the door. He'd been so caught up since yesterday in making sure he had his pills everything else in his pockets hadn't seemed so important. He supposed he should count himself lucky that he still had his wallet.

He swallowed thickly and grimaced at the stale taste of his mouth before he raised his hand, forehead still pressed to the door, and he rapped his knuckles against the wood four times loudly,

"Please be home…" he whispered to himself, "…I'm so tired, I need a shower, I need to brush my teeth, I want to lie down…please be home." He sighed and frowned,  _'Please have come home last night, please, don't have gone out with Roy Mustang and not have come home.'_  He clenched his teeth and rapped on the door again a bit harder and more times.

He quickly opened his eyes and leaned back from the door when he heard the latch click and then the door was pulled open slowly…and Edward looked heavenly, so much so that despite the dulling the medication did to Al's feelings, his heart wrenched with affection almost painfully.

Edward had clearly just woken, his braided hair was coming undone and was a complete mess of soft blonde tangles and strands hanging over and around his face. He had crease lines over one of his cheeks, his eyes were squinted, his skin looked warm and probably the best part was that he was wearing nothing but boxer shorts.

"Alphonse?" his voice was slightly slurred, he licked his lips and stepped back pulling the door open with him as he backed out of the way unsteadily, "Why the fuck are you knocking?" Edward half grumbled and rubbed at his eyes.

Alphonse blinked out of his mesmerized daze and stepped inside, he was about to answer when his homecoming seemed to dawn on his older brother and Edward looked up suddenly from rubbing his eyes. He pushed the door closed with a quick hand and at the same time his eyes scanned over Alphonse,

"Are you okay, why were you knocking, what happened, Al?" his voice was full of concern in an instant and Alphonse felt his chest warm.

"I lost my keys…or I…left them at Elizabeth's." he looked away from Edward when he answered, mentioning Elizabeth to Edward after kissing her the night before unsettled him all over again.

He glanced back to Edward to see his older brother was looking him over a bit more critically; his expression of concern had turned to a thoughtful one,

"Oh, uh…" Ed blinked the last of his sleep from his eyes and raised his hands to push his unruly hair behind his ears, Alphonse loved how some of the strands curled and hooked over his ears stubbornly, "…did you uh, was it…did you have a good night?" Edward cleared his throat after he asked.

Alphonse watched Edward turn and walk toward the lounge entrance after he spoke,

"It was…" he licked his lips, feeling a few cracks starting, he couldn't tell Edward he'd gone there to try and pull himself together and get real drugs for his pain, "…yeah, it was okay. A-and you…what did you do last night?" he felt his throat tighten asking that question as he followed Edward and stopped in the doorway.

Edward walked over to his usual spot on the sofa and flopped down, propping his bare foot and automail up on the table crossing one over the other and stretching his arms up over his head. Alphonse just stared, tired and yearning for physical contact with Ed but not really feeling any urge to go over to the older blonde,

"…I ate, read and only went to bed about two hours ago." Ed sighed and leaned his head back, arms folded behind and eyes closed.

A familiar warmth travelled along Alphonse's thighs at the sight of Edward's lean half naked state stretched out and relaxed and before it could settle and concentrate between his legs he turned away,

"I'm gonna take a shower and lie down." He said dully, feeling vaguely miserable through his foggy mind.

He didn't look back at Edward, it'd be hard to look away again if he did, and as he started walking down the hall he heard Ed ask if he wanted something to eat,

"No thanks." He said audibly and walked into his bedroom. He glanced at his pet curled up on his bed as usual but he didn't have the energy to fuss over him, he just walked over to his desk and dropped his books and incomplete notes down untidily and then emptied his pockets on to his bedside table.

Alphonse couldn't wait to get out of his slept in clothes and wash the previous days sweat and sleep –and Elizabeth's smell and taste- from his body. He shook his head to clear the memory of the kiss from his head, still not entirely sure how he'd let it happen or why he'd kissed her when she'd initiated it.

That most definitely must have given her a mixed signal.

With a tired sniff Alphonse pulled his shirt off and walked back into the hallway, he made his way into the bathroom and pushed the door shut behind him. Alphonse stripped down and tossed all of his dirty clothes into the hamper before he stepped into the bathtub and pulled the curtain closed.

A minute later he was standing under a fast stream of burning hot water with his eyes closed and his shoulders slumped, he let the sound of the water running over his ears drown out all other sound and he blanked his mind so he wouldn't think of anything. He wasn't tired physically because he'd slept but he was tired emotionally and mentally, it was a strange feeling, to feel like lying down even though he wasn't tired.

He leaned his head back from the water when he heard the bathroom door open, his mind started racing for a second, images of Edward getting into the shower with him were the first thing that came to mind and he frowned as a shiver ran down his spine.

"Al?" he wiped the water off his face when he heard Ed's voice and then reached for the –peaches and cream- shampoo to distract himself from over thinking,

"Yeah?" he swallowed dryly and then licked the shower moisture from his lips as he watched the shampoo pool in his open palm from the bottle,

"I'm going back to bed, if you need anything just wake me up okay?" Edward sounded neutral, unperturbed.

Alphonse wondered if he'd stayed up because he hadn't been able to get to sleep but he didn't want to give himself so much credit, the older blonde hardly seemed bothered by his presence, so he figured his absence wouldn't have been much different.

"Yeah." He responded quieter that time and rubbed the shampoo into his hair as his eyes slid closed, and after a beat of quiet he heard the bathroom door close again.

Alphonse stayed in the shower under the hot spray long after he'd washed himself thoroughly and enjoyed being surrounded by the different scents of his bathing products, only when the water started to run lukewarm did he finally turn the taps off and heave a sigh…because he still felt cold on the inside.

* * *

He dragged his tongue over his clean teeth and savored the taste of mint as he swallowed and licked his chapped lips. Alphonse had just pulled a pair of black boxer briefs on and had for once left his towel lying on his bedroom floor where he'd dropped it, he honestly didn't care about his usual tidy habits.

He was…simply put…high and unhappy.

He ran a hand through his un-dried hair, it was still wet enough for him to squeeze moisture out of if he tried so without giving it much thought he clapped his hands together and raised them over his hair, making an annoyed face at the crackle and heat that traveled over his scalp before the water was evaporated and his hair was dried.

For a few seconds he stood at his wardrobes in nothing but his underwear and looked at the tiles, his bruised stomach, his bedroom door and then CookieBoots. The chill on the tiles reminded him that the weather wasn't great and it was kind of cold outside so he should probably put more clothes on or get under the blankets. The bruise on his stomach made him think of Elizabeth from the night before, playing nurse to him and kissing him, such a soft, searching kiss that hadn't felt right or wrong, it had just happened. The bedroom door wasn't closed and reminded him that Edward was outside of it, just down the hall, half naked, beautiful, warm and loving. And CookieBoots on the bed reminded him that he didn't want to sleep there…which took his thoughts back to Edward very quickly.

After a minute of internal confusion, mild debate and cold toes, Alphonse absently pushed his underwear drawer closed and then walked toward his bedroom door. He stepped out into the hall and looked at Edward's door, it wasn't closed all the way and he frowned at that, it was unlike Ed to leave it open because of the cat.

Deciding to use that as an excuse to go closer he padded down the quiet hall until he reached Edward's door, still frowning slightly he pushed the door open a bit more until he could see the bed, his eyes settled on his older brother's back half covered by his sheets while his bare shoulders were visible.

Now that he'd come that far he gave in to his original intention and slipped into the bedroom quietly, pushing the door almost closed, his cold feet made a light patting sound on the tiles, audible enough that Edward heard it and rolled over half way, leaning up on his elbows and frowning,

"Al?"

Alphonse reached the bed and hesitated at the side for a second before he brought one knee up onto the bed, Edward watched and blinked a few times and his frowned shifted to confusion instead of worry, Al brought his other leg up and crawled over his older brother to get to his usual side of the bed against the wall.

He knew if it weren't for the medication his anxiety –from fear of rejection- would have set him trembling like a leaf already but he felt calm enough as he kneeled beside Edward above the sheets and looked at him questioningly. Edward looked at him for a moment and then exhaled a little shakily before he moved over a bit and pulled back the sheets for Alphonse to get under.

The younger blonde did so quite quickly and with one short, desperate breath he shifted closer to Edward and slipped an arm around his older brother's waist before pressing his face into the his neck, exhaling slowly and then inhaling as well. The smell of Edward was unrivalled, it was as though the products he used on his skin were complimented by Ed's natural scent instead of the other way around.

Alphonse loved it, it gave him butterflies.

Edward was still lying on his back and leaning on his elbows,

"Alphonse…" he sounded weary, "…you said you were sure." Ed didn't beat around the bush, bringing up the incident in the kitchen very openly and Alphonse frowned and pressed closer so his entire body was making contact along Ed's side, legs brushing and skin touching wonderfully,

"I know…" he breathed against Edward's neck, resting all of his weight on his one arm as he nuzzled closer. He did know what he'd said, but he had no idea what he was doing or if he'd meant it, he was  **not**  coping.

"Then what are you doing?" Edward asked in a tired, quiet whisper.

Alphonse couldn't answer that, he couldn't think of anything right then except the fact that Edward's skin was beneath his lips and that he'd kissed Elizabeth and that he felt like he'd cheated.

_'Did you kiss Mustang, do you like Mustang?'_  he wanted to ask but he hadn't the guts to do it. He kept picturing them kissing and then him kissing Elizabeth would flash through his mind…he felt dirty and betrayed and it made no sense, but nothing really did anymore.

"Alphonse." Edward sounded a bit more insistent and a gentle hand touched Al's bare shoulder to push him back, the touch of warm fingers to his skin reminded him that both of them were so close to naked. He was starting to feel horny and his lips reacted to it, he kissed Edward's neck and shifted one of his legs to lie between Ed's.

"Alphonse?" Edward said again, his tone questioning but Alphonse didn't let him pull away, instead he pressed closer so he was almost on top of Edward. He started kissing his neck over and over again, wet and slow, moving higher until he reached Ed's ear and did something he never had before, he slipped his tongue into Edward's ear and twirled it lightly.

Edward shivered and his legs shifted, brushing their bare skin together pleasantly.

The hand on Al's shoulder gripped firmly and pushed him back just enough to give Edward room to look into his face, the older blonde was frowning, looking confused and a little upset. Alphonse knew he was tired of the back and forth,

_'…but you made me go through it for months, aren't I allowed to be confused. To deny myself what I want one minute and then have it the next?'_  because a part of him still held on to the hopeful belief that Edward did want him in some way.

Although, he hadn't been aware that he harbored a grudge until right then.

With the thought that Ed could still want him burning a trail of arousal through him, Alphonse leaned forward and kissed Edward a few times on his lips. Ed didn't respond so much as accept the kisses and Ed's hand moved from Al's shoulder to his neck as the younger blonde pressed more kisses to his lips, slipping his tongue out sparingly, trying to coax Edward to open his mouth as he shifted his hand upward from Edward's waist to firmly caress his abdomen and chest.

Edward didn't give in.

The older blonde's hand shifted to the front of Al's chest over his collar bone as Alphonse continued to wet Edward's lips teasingly with his tongue. He knew what was coming next and before Ed could push him back he moved his hand again and quickly slipped it beneath the hem of Edward's boxers.

Edward tensed and Al's breathing increased rapidly, his arousal stirred double time at the feeling of Ed's slowly forming hard on in his hand,

"Al-phon-se-sto-op…" the older blonde said between Al's kisses and he snatched the wrist of Alphonse's fondling hand to stay it, his grip wasn't too tight but it was firm.

Alphonse almost whined, he had no anxiety pain, no abdominal pain, no headache, he felt relaxed for the first time in weeks and all he  _wanted_  was to enjoy Edward's closeness. He'd be breaking all of his rules and promises to himself and Edward like the weakling that he was but he knew Ed would forgive him…he always did.

The next kiss he pressed forward was much firmer and he kept his lips to Edward's, forcing the older blonde to relinquish the hold on his wrist to stop himself from going off balance and ending up with his shoulders to the mattress. Alphonse quickly took a hold of Edward's cock again and tried to stroke more life into it, being medicated made his mind slow enough to focus on only one thing at a time and right then, it was focused on the satisfaction he knew only Ed could give him.

As it was Edward wasn't pushing him off, the older blonde's breathing had increased, his body was reacting positively and Alphonse knew he was just hesitant, his older brother had to have a breaking point, he was sure of it, he wanted to reach it, to push Edward past his inhibitions…

After several wet kisses to Ed's jaw and neck Alphonse tried his mouth again and when he gained entrance this time and thrust his tongue inside with a breathy exhale, he thought he'd gained control, but he was wrong.

He got caught up in Edward's kiss once the older blonde got a hold of his tongue and then there were Ed's rough, so warm hands sliding down his naked sides, fingers skimming just below the waist of his underwear teasingly and he forgot about Ed's resistance completely…until he was on his back and his hands were pinned down to the sides of his shoulders firmly while Edward straddled his waist.

The kiss was ended abruptly and Edward was staring down at him with an untidy arrangement of hair dangling around his face and down to tickle Alphonse's face, Ed was slightly flush and he looked pissed off,

"Why the fuck are you doing this Alphonse?" he asked through clenched teeth, "Have you lost your fucking mind, I can't deal with this…do you not remember what you said to me? Huh?" his hands squeezed tighter on Al's wrists and the younger blonde grimaced.

He swallowed slowly as he looked up at his older brother's serious and angry face,

"I know what I said…" he said quietly before licking his lips. He felt vaguely angry himself, remembering how Edward used to run hot and cold all the time, it had been exhausting, he felt like the older blonde was getting a good taste of his own medicine.

"Then what the hell are you doing? You practically threw me out of the apartment the other night and then you didn't fucking come home last night…" Edward's face expressed many emotions but Alphonse singled out anger since it was –as usual with Ed- the most prevalent, "…what did you stay over there for last night anyway? We needed to talk about what happened, I was _worried_  about you and you were just avoiding me Alphonse!" he half yelled, voice strained.

_'So he's angry at me about something else, not just this…'_  Alphonse didn't speak, he just listened, letting his relaxed mind absorb Edward's words and what they revealed,

"And you called me so late, didn't you think I'd be worried, what the hell were you  _doing_?"

To Alphonse Edward seemed angriest about the fact that he hadn't come home, the fact that he'd stayed over at Elizabeth's.

He clenched his jaw a few times and stared up at Edward defiantly.

"You lost your keys and you looked like shit when you walked in, like you didn't even sleep… _did you_?"

_'He keeps asking and referring to what I was doing last night.'_  Alphonse knew he shouldn't just assume, but all the signs pointed to one thing; Edward was jealous.

Alphonse could hardly feel his fingertips but he made no move to try and get free, all he wanted to do was rile Edward up, get some sort of emotional response out of him that wasn't brought on because Al wanted it or needed it. Something real, something raw…which was what made him tell Edward,

"I kissed her, Edward…", he said quietly with a straight face, the grip on his wrists tightened and the reaction spurred him on, "…we were lying on the bed, just talking and then I kissed her," he made it sound less innocent than it had been as he watched Edward's angry expression falter, he looked just a bit shocked and Al drove it home,

"I liked the way she smelled, her skin and her hair, and when she kissed me back I could tell she  _really_  wanted me…" he paused and watched Edward pale, "…it was nice to be  _wanted_ , Edward." His throat hurt by this point for how tightly it was clenching.

His mind was still moving much slower than usual and all he felt right then was spite and so he acted on it.

He was tired of hurting by himself…he wanted to see Edward get upset, he wanted to see Edward get jealous over him.

His emotions were barreling to the surface quickly and forcefully the more he said hurtful things to draw a reaction from his older brother and the medication was having less effect in stopping it.

He couldn't feel his hands at all…he'd have bruises on his wrists when this –whatever it was- was finally over.

_'Say it…tell me you want me, please?'_  Alphonse pleaded in his mind as he tried to twitch his ice cold fingers.

He hadn't known what to expect …but he didn't think it would be a sad smile,

"Did she satisfy you?" he certainly didn't expect that question, his mind went blank and he didn't answer, he just stared up at Edward who didn't look smug or angry, just sad. Al was numb with shock at the calm tone of voice it had been asked in, "Why are you in my bed if she satisfied you?" his golden eyes narrowed just slightly.

Alphonse was trying to figure out what to say next, Edward wasn't crying guilty and he wasn't venting his anger and Al had little experience with anything else from him lately, he didn't know what to expect next so he prodded this more serious side of Ed's emotions just a bit more,

"I came to you…" his voice rasped and his throat hurt, he was having some trouble breathing, "…like you came to me after…Winry."

It was a risky thing to say, Winry was a very sensitive subject usually and Alphonse braced himself for an angry reaction before anything else but Edward just laughed bitterly, again catching Al off guard and finally his hold on Alphonse's wrists lifted and the younger blonde's fingers twitched stiffly.

Edward pressed his hands into the pillows either side of Alphonse's head and leveled him a look that was almost condescending,

"I never  **ever**  pegged you for the vengeful type…little brother." Alphonse stopped breathing and Edward shook his head, "I thought you fucked Elizabeth," he mumbled, "but you were just trying to make me  **think**  you did." He laughed again, mirthlessly, he actually looked hurt.

Alphonse felt infuriated at having his feelings belittled with laughter, however empty it was.

Without any warning to even himself he raised a cold right fist up and stopped just short of punching Edward across the face, even if the angle wouldn't have made much of an impact, he'd wanted to hit the older blonde. His face felt hot and his hands were stinging with pins and needles and Edward didn't even flinch,

"Hit me if you want to Alphonse, I won't fight you." He said calmly and looked at Alphonse's hand.

"I want to hit you." He admitted shakily, he was starting to tremble with anger, the words  _little brother_  were still ringing in his ears with a painful sharpness.

He felt like he just couldn't  **win**  with Edward, every way he turned was a dead fucking end.

_'I should just give up, I can't make him say something he doesn't feel, I have no idea_ _**what** _ _to do anymore.'_

"It's okay…" Edward had the nerve to smile bitterly, "…I deserve it."

Alphonse shook his head, hating the words 'it's okay' with a venomous sickness,

"Get off me." he breathed out, feeling incredulous and hollow.

Edward didn't move, Alphonse was about to make an effort to get the older blonde off him when Ed spoke again,

"Did you really kiss her?" he reached for Al's clenching fist, eyes softening to reflect regret at the sight of the bruises forming. Alphonse pulled his hand away,

"Did you kiss Mustang?" he shot back and tried to sit up, effectively hurting his contusion as he clenched his abdomen muscles and he only just managed to lean up on one elbow and hide his grimace from Edward.

"W-what?" there was no rebuke in his tone, in fact to Alphonse, Edward sounded a little hesitant.

Suspicion crept up his spine, cold and clammy feeling and unpleasant enough to make him really angry,

"Get the fuck off me, Edward." He demanded.

"Why are you trying to run away from me?" Edward asked just as irritably.

Alphonse gawked up at him,

"Run away! I'm in your bed for fuck sakes!" Al was thinking about the pills on his bedside all of a sudden and craving the calm numbness they provided as his stress mounted and started to feel like someone was stabbing him in his stomach and chest.

It was slipping out of his control…getting out of hand…

"You came in here wanting sex, Alphonse!" Edward accused, his voice terse.

"Can you blame me for being horny!? You're so fucking selfish when it comes to sex, Edward!" he accused right back, not able to shut himself up.

…not wanting to.

"What the he-…!?"

"Don't look so surprised!" Alphonse lost it, cutting Edward off. He didn't care less right then that they were no longer even sleeping together and he was not going to censor himself, "You know I'm right, you most certainly  **did not**  give me sexually as much as I gave  **you**! Sometimes I had to practically beg you," he narrowed his eyes, "It was  **selfish**  and sometimes it was  _boring_!" he said through clenched teeth, feeling nastier and nastier and asking himself why the fuck he hadn't just cuddled up next to CookieBoots and never even left his own bedroom.

Why couldn't he stop himself….? Why was he feeling so resentful?

Edward's face was as white as a ghost, his expression unreadable,

"I…I…" he didn't know what to say. Alphonse finally found the strength to shove Edward backwards off of his waist and the un-expecting older blonde was so off balance he flailed backwards off the foot of the bed and landed with a skin slapping sound on the tiles.

Alphonse was seeing red by this point and his mouth was running away from his brain, all control flouted,

"You never wanted to fuck me anyway right,  _brother_?" he said spitefully and kicked the sheets off his feet where they'd ended up in all the movement, "All the times you nailed me to the fucking mattress and got off inside me  **I**  was obviously  **forcing**  you to do it, right  **brother?** " he was off the bed now and just like the day before when he'd gotten upset at the university he made his way to the nearest exit, needing distance, needing to be alone. "I'm so sorry I made you do all that," he spat, his voice dripping with sarcasm, "in fact," he yanked the door open and his voice cracked with emotion, "I'm **so**  sorry I love you like I do, because it's only making us both fucking miserable." And with that he walked out and slammed the door behind him.

He walked down the hall -hyperventilating slowly but surely- until he reached his own bedroom and slammed his own door so hard it rattled on the hinges. His breathing was getting away from him, his throat closing and his face was wet. He wiped at his streaming tears absently and stumbled to his bed as he broke out in a chilling cold sweat; CookieBoots had probably been startled by the noise and was nowhere to be seen.

He collapsed onto his bed and cried into his pillow in uneven heaves and sobs, so bitterly it ached from the pit of his stomach and throughout every muscle. Alphonse begged and pleaded to be able to take every word back as he wet his pillow with tears and saliva but he knew he couldn't, he'd said it and now it was just another thing he'd spend every day regretting.

Resentment was an ugly thing. And him and Edward were drowning in it.

A half an hour later when Alphonse had curled in on himself and was trying not to cry out in pain at the stabbing feeling tearing through his insides, he heard the main door to the apartment close.

* * *

Edward had left and he didn't come home that night. He left his keys behind.

* * *

On Wednesday Alphonse stayed home because he vomited blood. Edward still didn't come home that night.

* * *

On Thursday Alphonse felt worried enough to see a doctor and was told he had developed a severe stress ulcer and that it was bleeding. He was given several medications and told strictly to finish the course of antibiotics and to relax.

Edward still hadn't come home by the time he returned to the apartment.

But Elizabeth showed up.

* * *

"Sorry I worried you again." He apologized in a monotone as he lay in bed with a hot water bottle rested on his contusion over his shirt. Elizabeth was sitting beside him on the bed sorting through his pills and getting all the evening ones out for his second dose since that afternoon,

"I'm just glad you're not upset that I came over." She said very quietly and sniffed, she'd been upset to hear what the doctor said, she'd even looked like she might cry for him.

Alphonse thought she was overreacting to an ulcer but he didn't tell her that, he'd barely said anything to her since he opened the door – hoping beyond all reason that it would have been Edward – and had found her standing there. At least she'd brought dinner; he hadn't felt like making food.

"Here you go." She held 6 tablets out to him and a glass of water she'd fetched. He shifted into a sitting position after moving the hot water bottle aside,

"You don't have to do this, I'm capable." He took the glass and tablets and swallowed them two at a time, he'd never been fond of tablets.

"If you want me to leave just say so…" She huffed sadly.

Alphonse swallowed the last tablets and slowly he shook his head and handed her the glass back,

"No, thank you Elizabeth, I don't want you to leave." He sighed and ran his hands through his hair.

"You look like you've lost a bit of weight." She gestured for him to lie down again and then placed the hot water bottle back on his stomach. Alphonse didn't look at her, he stared at the ceiling,

_'Edward hasn't come home.'_  He repeated for the hundredth time to himself, feeling completely empty.

"You're worried about him?" she guessed correctly what he was thinking about.

Alphonse blinked slowly and was grateful he had no tears left to cry,

"Almost three days…" he said quietly, "…I haven't heard from him." he swallowed sorely.

He felt Elizabeth's hand find his own and she rubbed her palm over the top of his hand in a gesture he supposed was meant to be comforting,

"Isn't there someone he might have gone to, someone who might know where he is that you can call?" she enquired, trying to help but Alphonse just kept quiet, "Your brother had to go to work, so maybe you should call his boss?"

Alphonse pulled his hand away from her as gently as possible and adjusted the water bottle, he steadied his voice so he didn't sound as pissed off as he felt at the mention of Mustang,

"Edward had the week off." He explained and she nodded in understanding.

She sighed and brushed her hair behind her ears,

"There has to be someone who might know." She tried again, for what Alphonse didn't know, she didn't even know Edward, how much could she really care?

_'She cares about me, she knows how close we are…or used to be…'_  thinking the last part made him as nauseous as the taste of vomit and blood had made him a day earlier.

He inhaled deeply and shook his head before he started mumbling to himself,

"He wouldn't go to Risembool, he and Winry aren't on good terms."  _'That's my fault.'_  "He wouldn't go to his boss, or at least I don't think he would."  _'I hope he wouldn't'_  his nausea got a little worse and he swallowed again, shifting restlessly on the bed, "He wouldn't go to Dublith, our teacher wouldn't take him in after a fight with me." he glanced at Elizabeth to see she was listening to him attentively.

So he continued mumbling,

"He wouldn't go to Mrs. Hughes because he'd feel too ba-…" he stopped short and Elizabeth frowned,

"What, did you think of something?" she shifted and crossed one leg over the other.

Alphonse sighed, feeling only slightly relieved,

"Gracia Hughes' birthday party is tomorrow evening," he smiled ever so slightly, "he'll be there, he wouldn't let her down. So at least I'll get to see him and be able to see that he's okay." Alphonse stared at the ceiling.

Elizabeth frowned,

"You aren't going to try and talk to him?"

_'He won't talk to me, he won't even be able to look at me after the things I said to him. I know Edward too well, he left because he felt sick, I made him feel guiltier than he already did. I'm so_ _ **disgusting**_ _…'_  his skin crawled and he shook his head stiffly,

"If he never speaks to me again I wouldn't blame him." he said in a strained voice, nearly choking on a stuck breath. Elizabeth sighed yet again,

"I'm sure you guys will work it out, words are just words, and they're not going to draw blood or leave scars." She tried to be comforting.

But the mention of scars only brought to mind the picture of Edward's naked body, a network of scars across his skin…each and every one was imbedded into his flesh for the cause that had restored Alphonse's body. Sacrifices…selfless sacrifices made for Alphonse…

Blood spilled…

Bones broken…

It was always  **okay**  for Edward.

_'And I told him he was selfish…I said I wish I didn't love him.'_  Al had cried every night and every morning, his chest, throat and eyes burned something terrible, he hardly had the strength to cry anymore. He did not deserve forgiveness and he wouldn't dare ask for it, he just wanted to see Edward and know that he was alive.

"Who's Gracia Hughes?" Elizabeth was frowning, looking so much sadder and Alphonse wondered if she was just mirroring his own expression. He swallowed sorely and sniffed,

"She's sort of like a mother figure to us, we've known her for a long time, since we were teenagers." He answered hoarsely, so much emotion was continuously building up within him, he felt so awfully trapped inside it and yet empty because all the pain didn't keep him company, it just sucked the life out of him.

But even though he felt alone, he wasn't.

"That sounds nice, I'll bet she's lovely if you guys value her so much." Elizabeth managed a weak smile but her words were sincere. Alphonse stared up at her, feeling grateful that he wasn't alone, and he asked the question as soon as he thought it,

"Would you like to come with me tomorrow night?" he asked quietly with a small weak smile of his own.

Elizabeth smiled and nodded…and Alphonse silently wondered why he was dragging her into the mess that was his life when he knew he would probably only end up hurting her,

_'What the hell is wrong with me?'_


	10. Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks - to Vienna Wood for editing this chapter, your assistance is appreciated.
> 
> \- I have a basic understanding of chemistry, if anything doesn't make sense in this chapter I apologize.
> 
> \- Thank you to KKtheRipper for the song recommendation for this chapter.  
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Avenged Sevenfold

 

  
_Cry alone, I've gone away_   
_No more nights, no more pain_   
_I've gone alone, took all my strength_   
_I've made the change,_   
_I won't see you tonight_   


  
_It's building up inside of me_   
_A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free_   
_Don't mourn for me,_   
_You're not the one to place the blame_   
_As bottles call my name I won't see you tonight_   


  
_Sorrow sank deep inside my blood_   
_All the ones around me_   
_I cared for and most of all I loved_   
_But I can't see myself that way_   
_Please don't forget me or cry while I'm away_   


  
_So far away, I'm gone._   
_Please don't follow me tonight_   
_And while I'm gone everything will be alright_   


  
_No more breath inside_   
_Essence left my heart tonight_   


* * *

Edward was exhausted.

But no matter how tired he felt he hadn't been able to fall asleep. He'd eaten something once he returned to the apartment – which had been a box of chocolate chip cookies that belonged to Alphonse – and then he'd taken a long hot shower to relax all of his tense muscles. But after lying down in his bed for a half hour without sleep taking him, he'd resigned himself to drastic measures. He'd ventured into the kitchen grumpily and made himself a cup of chamomile tea- which was detestable and also happened to belong to Alphonse- and then he'd drunk it in quick gulps and with several grimaces. He'd never liked tea of any kind.

In the end, by the time it was nearing midnight and he still hadn't been able to fall asleep he'd given up and done the usual thing he did to relax himself, he'd taken out his stationary and alchemy books and set to distracting himself with alchemical equations that would baffle most people and he'd also drawn a few farfetched arrays that probably wouldn't work but they looked beautiful.

He wasn't really able to concentrate so he wasn't going to make any breakthroughs as he usually did when he worked, in the back of his mind his and Alphonse's situation irritated all of his other mental processes, demanding attention, just as his little brother had many times when they were small children and even a few times as adults.

Despite not wanting to stress himself out over Alphonse being at Elizabeth's, he couldn't help it, the entire situation reeked of human cliché. Edward knew that his younger brother was a pinnacle of strength in all things, except for the allure of flesh. Al's experiences with physical human interaction and the subsequent feelings and emotions that arose from it as an adult were limited to a few people and a few significant events since he'd been restored. So it didn't seem too unlikely that in a moment of desperation and confusion –like Alphonse was obviously going through- he would try to quell a sexual desire and need for comfort by indulging in the next closest person available to him in that way.

After all, most people went down that path in moments of vulnerability, at least from what he knew. He'd never had a real relationship yet –he wasn't sure Alphonse counted- and so he'd never been pushed in that direction, and aside from that he'd always had his younger brother to turn to when he needed any semblance of comfort or incentive to stay strong and keep his head up.

But things were different now, Alphonse seemed much more comfortable with ignoring their problems rather than talking or even fighting them out, which frustrated Edward because he  _needed_  Alphonse.

He lived for Alphonse, he'd probably have given up long ago had he not been able to bind Al's soul to that armor, if he'd lost everything including his precious brother that night, Edward would not have had the will to keep living. The very same will he'd been complimented on all the years he'd served in the military only existed because of Alphonse…his breath, his ability to love, hate, trust and fight and even to fuck –be it with Alphonse or anyone else, it only existed because Alphonse was with him.

People always pointed out how Alphonse would have been dead had it not been for the sacrifice of Edward's arm…that detail seemed so significant to everyone who knew of it. The fact that Edward had lain bleeding on the basement floor and had still found the strength to offer up any part of his body to bring Alphonse back from oblivion.

But it hadn't been a selfless act or a brave one…it had been selfish.

Because Edward hadn't been able to handle the idea of not having his younger brother beside him, it had terrified him then like it did even now. He would have  **died**  on that basement floor that night if he'd been unable to bring Al back. He wouldn't have attempted to cry for help, he wouldn't have tried to drag himself up those stairs, he wouldn't have tried to make a tourniquet for his lost bleeding limbs…no…Edward knew he would have curled up into a ball and awaited death impatiently.

Because without Alphonse, he had no one…he was nothing, purposeless and empty and alone and incomplete.

He sighed as he lay on his back in bed, the sun had long since come up and when he'd last checked the time it had been almost 8 am. Beside his bed lay a pile of books with written on pages full of equations and notes stuck in between them, a few pencils and pens as well, he'd dumped everything there a few minutes ago since his eyes had been burning something terrible. He hoped sleep was finally imminent, so he closed his eyes and let his mind continue to think on his beloved sibling.

Alphonse underestimated himself in terms of how much control he had over Edward, and the older blonde supposed he should count himself lucky for that, because with the right guilt trip or the correct accusation, Al could crush him, cut his legs out from underneath him, break his will.

The only reason Edward no longer drowned in self-loathing was because he'd finally started to believe –only a few years ago- that Alphonse truly didn't hate him for what he'd done. It had made believing he was valued and loved as a brother just a little easier, it'd given him responsibility and the feeling of unconditional duty and dedication as an older brother, to be the best he possibly could to make up for all of his mistakes and shortcomings.

But like everything in life – in his life specifically- nothing could ever be right for very long.

And now that everything was unraveling, he'd been feeling like he'd taken his time with Alphonse's fully restored self for granted, he'd been thinking back and even dreaming of how much time he'd actually spent with his younger brother and he found he wished that he could have had much more.

They'd had a good deal of time together but it had been time mostly spent helping Alphonse regain full health and strength and reintroducing him to the world in full color and tactility. It hadn't been just them, as brothers, spending time together doing things the loved, it had been more like work and another goal to achieve…and then there'd been Xing and Creta, separation and two years of their lives they'd never get back.

And in that time, something had changed in Alphonse and Edward hadn't been there for him.

Of course, it was perfectly normal for him to blame himself for everything, so doing it again didn't even seem odd, even if they'd been thousands of miles apart on opposite sides of the world, Edward would still blame himself for Al's incestuous feelings. Because he'd recreated his brother and would always suspect he'd fucked something up, because that was just what he did, he fucked up.

Edward absently rested his hand on his stomach, a sleeping habit long standing, before he let out a tired sigh. He lay above his sheets and covers, the air in the room was cool and the silence was as deafening as ever, he couldn't hear a bird chirp, or a car go by down below in the streets, he could only hear his breathing…and he focused on that…

* * *

Edward had one of those moments where he didn't even realize he'd fallen asleep, that would usually be the best way to fall asleep because he'd only wake up many indulgent hours later and feel completely rested after having passed out. But in this case he was abruptly woken by a loud knocking at the main door, it was loud enough to travel all the way down the hall and clearly into his bedroom.

That baffled him for a second before he remembered that he'd left his door open so the cat didn't have to feel lonely, that explained to his sleep clogged brain why the knocking sounded so loud. He exhaled loudly and forced his eyes open after a few half eye rolls and eyelid lifts, dragging himself from his exhaustion induced slumber was no easy, or pleasant, task.

By the time the second set of louder knocks filtered into his bedroom, Edward had snatched his apartment keys off his bedside table and he was standing up. But he was still getting his bearings so he wobbled to the door feeling groggy and sluggish, he was half sure it was Mustang again since the knocking was rather similar to how it had been the last time, and if it was Edward was going to be severely pissed off.

He would love to have ignored the persistent bastard but his mind –no matter how sleep addled it was- was still able to worry him enough that it could be another message for a call from Alphonse. As he walked quickly and unsteadily down the hall on tired legs, Edward felt a knot of dread tighten in his stomach at the thought of Al calling to say he wasn't coming home again.

When he reached the door he leaned his hand against the wall beside it with and the small key set dangling from his thumb jingled, he shook his head once before focusing on the latch and raising his other hand to open it. Next he unlocked the door with the key and pulled it open half way and squinted at the person standing there.

The minute he saw the familiar shape of his brother his heart felt constricted, whether it was relief or sadness he wasn't sure, either way it hurt and made him take in a quiet steadying breath,

"Alphonse." he swallowed to clear up the thickness in his voice, tasting remnants of cookies and awful tasting tea that he hadn't added enough sugar to, "Why the fuck are you knocking?" he asked the obvious question as he stepped back and pulled the door open wider for his younger brother, blinking and rubbing his sandy eyes so he could see Al properly instead of a blonde and fair skinned blur.

He had not for a second expected it to be Alphonse at the door, it made no sense for him to be knocking since he had keys-…Edward's brain suddenly kicked into gear and his slight chest pain turned into a full blown ache of concern. If Alphonse was knocking then something must have happened?

He quickly looked over Alphonse, his vision clearing from its distortion caused by long hours of reading small book print and not getting any sleep. His eyes took in the complexion of his brother, his usually smooth healthy skin looked sallow and slightly porous around his eyes, nose and at the front of his neck. The skin around his eyes also looked slightly shiny and reddened…and his pupils were dilated.

Edward pushed the door closed after Al walked inside and he frowned at the younger blonde,

"Are you okay?" he asked first and foremost, unsure of what to make of his brother's clearly over sweated skin, glazed eyes and large black pupils. Alphonse blinked slowly and Ed glanced over him again, "Why were you knocking, what happened, Al?" he asked as he noticed his brother's creased clothing and slumped shoulders.

The only thing that made sense about Al's appearance was the wetness of his hair and shoulders because Ed was able to hear the downpour outside, but everything else seemed out of place, the last time he'd seen his younger brother he hadn't looked so sick.

_'That was more than a day ago…'_  he thought guiltily.

"I lost my keys…or I…left them at Elizabeth's." Alphonse finally answered, his tone flat just like it had been the day before on the phone and he looked confused, like he really had no idea where his keys were.

Edward worried, this sort of thing was unusual for Al who was always so meticulous and responsible,

"Oh, uh…" he looked over Al one more time, critically and he wondered if this was the result of no sleep and lots of exertion, as in, from sex and he had the urge to sniff his younger brother. He turned away from Alphonse quickly instead, the thought of it dropped a cold and heavy feeling into his stomach, "…did you uh, was it…did you have a good night?" he stumbled over his question in a hoarse voice, brushing his tickling and unruly bangs back from his face before he walked into the lounge.

He didn't want Al to see him clenching his jaw or notice his elevated breathing so he needed to put some distance between them, like a coffee table and a few meters.

"It was…" Alphonse answered, flat and sounding bored and Edward wanted to ask just what the hell was good about it, but he strictly reminded himself that Al had decided it was over between them so he had no right to ask anything anymore, nothing but questions of the usual brotherly concern.

As he sat down in his usual spot on the couch he glanced at Alphonse where the younger blonde stood in the doorway of the lounge, staring at him with an indiscernible look on his pasty face,

"…yeah, it was okay." Alphonse went on to say and Edward watched as he licked his lips and then bit at the skin on the bottom one, it told Ed the younger blonde's lips were chapping, "A-and you…what did you do last night?" he returned the question with an impassive look on his face.

Edward felt suspicion replace the cold weight in his stomach as he reclined back on the couch and regarded his sibling, Alphonse looked vaguely…intoxicated, especially as he leaned slightly toward the frame of the arch to steady himself.

Edward raised his arms up and placed his hands behind his head before lowering his gaze, trailing his eyes over Alphonse yet again. He was thinking of a few possibilities to what could make his brother look the way he did.

It was either Al had been extremely sick with a fever and had been throwing up all night, or he was coming home from a night of boisterous sexual activity after which he'd gotten no sleep and then there was the option that would explain Alphonse's mood…either alcohol or drugs,

"…I ate, read and only went to bed about two hours ago." He answered distractedly as he mulled over the possibilities and weighed the likeliness of each one, all the while Alphonse stared at him with an unwavering gaze but vacant eyes.

The stare finally ended when Alphonse looked away, gaze lowered and lips quirking downward at the sides as though he was displeased with something,

"I'm gonna take a shower and lie down." He mumbled and then walked out of sight and down the hall.

Edward was thinking about food when he glanced down at himself and blinked a few times at his state of undress,

"Do you want me to make you something to eat?" he asked distractedly and as he realized that, yes, he was near naked. Alphonse declined the offer and Edward lowered his arms from behind his head as he wondered why the hell he'd answered the door in his boxers, because that was just dumb and then he glanced at the doorway and wondered why Alphonse had looked so unhappy to see him unclothed.

Not that he wanted to see any appreciation for his scantily clad body from his younger sibling, it was just strange to  **not**  see any. Edward didn't feel all that awkward thinking about Alphonse looking at him with wanting eyes, he was too far gone into the taboo of incest with his younger brother to care. Instead he turned his thoughts back to making sense of Alphonse's strange state.

Of the three possibilities he supposed that sickness was most likely, Alphonse had been crying in his bedroom the last time Edward had heard him, voice hoarse and tense and laced with pain, plus he'd been experiencing severe stress symptoms, which could have put him into the physical state he was in…but that didn't explain the dilated pupils or impassivity.

When he considered it might be the…sex…option, he became nauseous but…if Al had spent the night having sex and exhausted himself, then not slept, it would explain the way he looked and his strangely distant mood –including his unimpressed expression at Ed's nudity-, it fit and that made Edward clench his jaw. He still didn't really think it was possible, mostly because he didn't want it to be but also because Al didn't smell of sex when he clearly hadn't showered, his skin had looked too sweat oiled for him to have.

Edward clung to that for the moment and twiddled his flesh toes as he stared at nothing and considered the final option.

Alcohol or drugs would account for the mood and dilated pupils, but if Al had passed out from drinking, he'd be smelling like whatever he'd been drinking, especially since his skin had been sweating, it'd be radiating off of him. Drugs, as in medication, on the other hand…as much as they'd make sense for the dilation and mood, did not account for his sickly appearance. But drugs, as in recreational sorts, would account for  **everything**.

Edward sat forward and brought his legs off the coffee table, planting his feet down on the tiles with a pat and clink. He glanced at the doorway again when he heard the shower start up, water probably running high for how loud it was and then the sound of water impacting porcelain dulled and became inconsistent spatters, which meant Al was under the spray.

_'Drugs? Would Alphonse really do drugs?'_  he frowned to himself and leaned his elbows on his knees,  _'I would say I don't think so, but then again, since he has his body back he has adopted that attitude of 'try everything once'.'_  Edward scowled when he remembered Alphonse wanting to try Pinako's pipe _once._

He'd probably grown an instant grey hair at the question from his younger brother of 'can I?' and he'd promptly said no and listed every reason why doing something like that would be blatantly unhealthy and was out of the question. Alphonse hadn't looked particularly disappointed and he'd never asked again, so Ed hadn't thought of it again, but now…

He didn't really know Elizabeth after all, maybe she was into recreational drugs and was getting Alphonse into them. If so…the solution was simple, Edward would  **kill**  her.

With that decided and a weight off his shoulders now that Alphonse was home –all other degrees of worry and stress lessened by the short relief- he stood up and figured that he would go back to sleep.

Alphonse looked about ready to drop and Edward assumed the younger blonde would go to sleep as well, university was out of the question with him looking like that, so Ed made his way down the hall and stopped at the closed bathroom door.

_'We'll talk later once we've both gotten some sleep, at least he came home and I know he's okay.'_  He turned the bathroom handle, not bothering to knock and not bothering to feel bad for it either,  _'I'll also ask him if he's using drugs and find out whether I need to kill that girl.'_  He leaned and peeked round the door.

He looked at the closed shower curtain and swirling steam,

"Al?" he said over the sound of the running water while leaning on the door. He was very aware of the fact that behind the curtain Alphonse was naked, in his mind he could clearly picture the lines of his younger brother's well defined body, muscles taut and firm beneath pale wet skin.

There were many times when he thought of Alphonse's naked perfection, but it hardly ever randomly turned him on, except right then, when he felt a tiny and undeniable trail of arousal move through his abdomen.

"Yeah?" Alphonse's voice was passive. Edward frowned, dismissing the new reaction from his body quickly,

"I'm going back to bed, if you need anything just wake me up okay?" he said evenly and waited until Alphonse mumbled a quieter but still flat spoken 'yeah' before he left the bathroom.

He closed the door with a quiet click and then walked down the hall to his bedroom, Edward considered his door for a brief second and then decided to leave it open slightly in case CookieBoots got closed out of Al's bedroom again and wanted some company. He was surprised by how well behaved the cat had been the night before, taking leisurely strolls into Edward's bedroom at random, rubbing himself up against a few things and then slinking out again without making any trouble. Leaving his scent behind after marking Edward's things as his own, including Edward's automail leg, he couldn't help but smile when he thought of the purring animal's apparent fondness for him, after all the times he spoke so ill of cats, CookieBoots actually liked him and gave him curious and insistent stares when he wanted to be petted.

Edward's pointless thoughts were enough to fill his head until he was lying in bed again under his sheet with his back to the door, doubtful he would sleep again anytime soon but okay with just lying there. When he thought about a cat's futile attempts to mark a human as their own by rubbing up against him, it made him think about the fact that humans did it as well, to other humans, except they did it for more base reasons.

Edward had had the brief but powerful urge to sniff Alphonse at the door when the idea of sex had first occurred to him, he knew he would have been able to smell sex on Al's skin and it wouldn't have been his own sex, it would have been Elizabeth's, it would have been feminine. The thought was nauseating, it also made him feel a perverse sense of possession over Alphonse, in the end he was glad he hadn't smelled her scent on Alphonse and he was also glad that his mind was not in the habit of supplying him vivid imagery so he didn't get a mental image to go with the upsetting thoughts.

He sighed softly and stared at the empty spot on the bed beside him, he was laying toward the center of the bed though so he was partially in Al's old place. Edward knew that it would be easier to fall asleep if he were holding Alphonse, all sex and extreme intimacies aside…the scent of Alphonse's skin made him feel so comfortable it was ridiculously sappy.

Edward closed his eyes and relaxed into his bed, he couldn't hear anything outside the room but he was aware the shower had stopped running. He pictured Al's appearance again, he'd looked really unwell and it made Edward feel bad because if it was his fault then he wanted to do something about it.

He just wanted to  _talk_  to Alphonse, they needed to figure out what was going on in order to avoid there being anymore tension between them, he just wished Al would stop avoiding him.

It was over between them, he knew that much and on some level mixed in with all his other emotions, Edward's heart was sore, his feelings hurt, he felt just a bit lonelier, just a bit emptier but for the most part, he was doing okay, as long as Alphonse _stayed_  with him and still loved him he would be okay.

Things could be okay.

But he was starting to get the distinct feeling that Alphonse wasn't doing so well…

…and as if to prove him right, he heard the soft patting of his younger brother's bare feet on the tiles of his bedroom. Edward sat up and turned to lie on his back, leaning up on his elbows. His breath stuck in his throat for a second as he looked at Alphonse.

He was wearing nothing but his well-fitting boxer-briefs, that choice of underwear always had and always would look good on Alphonse, it was tight in all the  _right_ places, accentuating the shape of his younger brother's manhood, as well the far too sexy V shape of his abdomen and his well-muscled thighs. He looked a little less pale –since he'd showered- and it was all smooth planes of skin and muscle, his hair looked soft and un-brushed so Al's short bangs were untidy and hanging just slightly over his eye on one side.

_'Fuck…'_  Edward frowned and swallowed thickly, he always knew his brother was gorgeous, but it never failed to stop him dead in his innocent thoughts when he saw him in all of his perfection…not since he'd had that body, been inside of it, he would never look at Alphonse in a completely pure way again.

"Al?" he asked quietly, panicking just slightly as he tried to control his oddly spiking arousal. Only a few days before he'd become aware of the fact that his attraction and love for Alphonse was not entirely the same as the younger blonde's passion and lust for him…but he wasn't quite so sure anymore. Something felt different…

Since his revelation on the couch the previous night about the fact that he could have and should have done more to make Al happy –like with the kitchen table incident-, his own sexual interest in Alphonse was presenting new degrees of strength. It scared him, like everything about wanting and loving his brother, it scared him badly.

And it scared him even more when Alphonse approached and then climbed onto the bed, he crawled over Edward and then kneeled beside him, not speaking, just staring passively. Their positioning was so close to how it had been the first time they'd ever had sex that it gave Edward pause, he had to calm himself down as he looked at Alphonse's questioning eyes, the soft greens and golds of his irises were minimized behind his enlarged black pupils.

Edward didn't want to speak, he worried that his voice would give away that he was nervous about having Al so close to him, crawling in to his bed -and practically naked much like himself- when they were supposed to be returning to a platonic relationship. But he gave Al the benefit of the doubt, he breathed out quietly before he leaned over and pulled the sheets back in the empty spot next to him and moved up to give Al room…

…and put some reasonable distance between them, some platonic distance as well. Although it was hardly innocent as it was, both of them wearing as little clothes as they were. He watched as Alphonse got under the sheets and was just about to lay back down and roll over, expecting Al just wanted to sleep beside him, when the younger blonde was suddenly in his space with warm breath and smooth skin against his neck and an arm over his waist.

And while he felt a tremble go up his spine, it wasn't shock or discomfort; it was pleasant warm rush that came with the scent of Alphonse's freshly washed –naked and smooth- skin and his lean body practically in Edward's arms. Edward inhaled slowly, trying to get the strange surge of arousal that moved through him under control, it was new and it was sudden and greedy, most likely brought on by the possibility of Alphonse having had sex with someone else.

It was jealousy and…he hated to admit it, possessiveness and longing. He hadn't been feeling these things all along, not so strongly, but now when presented with the  **actual**  possibility of Alphonse having slept with anyone else Ed was having trouble containing them. He clenched his jaw and closed his eyes for a moment,

_'I'm stronger than that, I have to be for Alphonse, I can't stop him from moving on.'_  He reminded himself.

"Alphonse, you said you were  **sure**." He pointed out quietly, voice tense and body warming against his will to the calm breathing on his neck and the fingers ever so lightly clutching against his bare side.

"I know…" Alphonse said, his lips brushing over Ed's neck and leaving a warm moisture behind as Al shifted his legs against Ed's left leg, their skin contacting over his thigh and it made the older blonde tense and swallow slowly,

"Then what are you doing?" he hated how soft his voice came out.

Alphonse's breath hitched against his neck, apparently Edward's question had got to him somehow because he tensed slightly. So Ed tried again, needing to separate their skin because it was starting to feel too good, he took his weight off one of his arms and touched Al's shoulder gently,

"Alphonse..." he said quietly.

Before he could say anything else, he felt Al place a wet breathy kiss to his neck and his bare leg had shifted over Ed's automail to slip between his legs. Edward's eyes closed briefly as he dealt with the sensation of moist kisses to his neck and a smooth, soft thigh putting light pressure to his crotch as Alphonse moved to lie more on top of him.

Edward licked his lips as the kisses moved up his neck to his ear and Alphonse's tongue, slick and wet, slipped into his ear slowly, making him shiver at how good it felt…he felt the first pangs of arousal slide down to his groin and he tried to ignore it as he drew his legs up and pushed Al back by his shoulder to look into his face,

"Alphonse?" he said somewhat breathily, but it was a question, he didn't know what Alphonse was doing  _again_.

After the other night, after the painful build up on the kitchen table had ended in tears, surely avoiding this sort of indecisive business made more sense for their emotional health…

…it confused Edward, it frustrated him and most importantly, it angered him.

He looked over the younger blonde's slightly flushed face, Al's eyes were half lidded, his pupils still dilated and his lips were parted, he was breathing audibly but there was no actual expression on his face, Edward frowned at him. He'd seen many expressions on Al's face, but the look he was receiving now –especially considering what Al was initiating- didn't make sense, there was no emotion, there was hardly even a desire reflected.

When Alphonse kissed him again it was on the mouth and he frowned deeper, moving his hand to Al's neck unthinkingly, he was about to part his lips and reciprocate but he caught himself before he gave in, even as Alphonse's warm hand massaged his chest and stomach. More and more his actions implied he wanted to get sexual…and Edward wanted to as well, if he was honest with himself, he was horny and Alphonse smelled and felt so good.

Every kiss and slip of tongue over his lips tempted him to kiss Alphonse back and ravage his mouth…

But he remembered Alphonse pleading with him in the kitchen to  **not** let him do this, as if the younger blonde had known he'd slip back again, right back into Edward's bed. Keeping that in mind and ignoring the fingers raking over his scars and nipples slowly, the strong leg moving between his own and the lips pressing to his own over and over again asking for more, Edward moved his hand around to Al's chest to push him off.

But it was for naught, Alphonse intercepted him quickly and Edward swallowed a moan as his younger brother's soft hand slipped into his shorts and cupped his partial hardness. The arousal that followed was fierce and made Ed's legs feel blissfully numb for a few fleeting seconds as Alphonse confidently reached lower and cupped his balls, massaging them in way that made Edward's resolve weaken drastically.

In an attempt to clear his head and bring some blood back from his cock to his head, Edward turned his head away from Alphonse to separate their sealed lips, leaving Al to kiss over his cheek and jaw…and then he was sucking on Edward's neck while grinding his hips lightly and it felt  **far too good**.

_'When did he get so fucking good at this?'_  Edward thought dazedly, it was like Al had learned just what he liked. Everything from Al's nails scratching over his nipples, to the wet kisses, firm suckles and finally the slightly rough way he was massaging Ed's testicles. Edward's breathing had increased during his desperate attempts to regain his competence and he made some progress in speaking just when his lips were assaulted with kisses again,

"Al-phon-se…" he kept leaning his head backwards from the kisses but Alphonse followed his mouth, "-sto-op…" Edward reached down and gripped Al's wrist firmly to still his hand in its determined fondling.

Edward was starting to get pissed off even as he grew fully hard in Al's hand, the younger blonde was not relenting, in fact Alphonse increased his efforts and pressed a harsh kiss to Ed's mouth. The older blonde had to hold back another moan when Al sucked at and bit on his lower lip, Alphonse's eyes opened just long enough for him to give Edward a sultry look before he put his weight behind the kiss so that Ed felt himself losing balance on the side where his arm was not supporting him.

He realized then he wouldn't be getting out of this situation with words, whatever Alphonse was on, it had put him into sexual autopilot; it was like he wasn't hearing anything Edward said at all. So he decided to try a new strategy - as he had to do often during battles with stubborn and dangerous opponents- and he let Al's wrist go in favor of regaining his balance.

He closed his eyes and leaned his head to the side slightly as Alphonse's kisses moved along his neck again and left a sexy trail of kisses and saliva up towards his chin. Edward felt the muscles in his neck tense against the teeth scraping over his jaw line right when Alphonse gripped his hard cock firmly and started to stroke it. He could feel Al's erection pressing against his left thigh and it made him twitch in his younger brother's warm hand as his desire momentarily blinded him from his good intentions…

Edward's resolve buckled.

It felt really good, better than it had in the kitchen when everything felt so wrong and forced…but it still wasn't right either, because Alphonse wasn't himself. Edward finally opened his mouth to kiss Al when their lips came together again and the moment his tongue found Al's he sucked on it…Alphonse shivered bodily and squeezed Edward's erection.

Edward spread his legs as heat swelled in his groin and he moved his arms so his shoulders hit the pillows, Alphonse followed him, their lips parting wetly for only a second before they were kissing again. Edward moved his now free hands down Al's sides as he felt the younger blonde's weight settle more relaxed over him…

…then it struck Edward, right before he let his hands slide into Al's underwear to grope his firm buttocks, Alphonse was no longer trying to be in control, he'd eased up and was letting Edward lead.

It gave him the opportunity to stop what was happening…

Edward moved slowly, caressing one hand up Al's back and then down his arm, sneaking toward the forearm that was partially covered by the elastic of his boxers as Alphonse all but jerked him off.

When he reached Al's wrist with his hand he gripped firmly and opened his eyes, he's waited for a moment when Alphonse let go to adjust the grip of his moist palm on Ed's length and then Edward pulled the hand out of his shorts firmly and pushed it up and backwards. He successfully pushed Alphonse off balance onto his back as well as pushed himself up. He was surprised by how easily he was able to pin both of Al's wrists to the bed once he was straddling him, he'd expected a scramble or resistance…

…but Alphonse remained impassive despite his aroused state and accelerated breathing.

Edward shifted from his quick straddled landing and more evenly balanced his weight on his knees either side of Al's legs as he pressed his younger brother's wrists into the mattress tight enough to avoid him pulling free. Ed couldn't ignore the arousal that coursed through him at having Al pinned that way beneath him, a beautiful sight despite his blank expression.

The skin of Alphonse's torso and his face were a soft shade of red, his chest was rising and falling quickly, drawing Ed's attention to his pert nipples and how his tummy hollowed out when he inhaled deeply, dipping sexily and highlighting the lines of his abs-and the bruise- that Edward would love to have kissed over right then. Al's soft hair was falling back from his face and even though it wasn't long, it wasn't so short that his hair didn't splay out just a bit on the white pillow. Then there were his legs, slightly spread and bent up behind Edward, the tops of Al's thighs brushing the backs of his every time he moved…and finally his younger brother's erection straining against the material of his back underwear, blatantly reminding Ed of just how much Al wanted him.

And vice versa…

He knew the image would be burned into his mind forever…Alphonse was stunning.

Edward was leaning over him, his own breathing was a little harsh and his skin felt hot and just slightly sticky from the arousal spikes that brought out a fine layer of sweat. The worst part was that he was still achingly hard and there was a distinctive wetness in his shorts. Ed didn't look, but he was sure it was visible on the front of his grey boxers.

He clenched his teeth and stared down at Al's unwavering lack of expression,

"Why the fuck are you doing this Alphonse?" he was surprised by how angry he sounded when he didn't feel it, "Have you lost your fucking mind, I can't deal with this…" he trailed off and exhaled a few times loudly, making his dangling strands of hair shift.

He stared down at Alphonse and saw no reaction except a small twitch of his eye when a strand of Ed's hair skimmed over it, Edward felt apprehension build in his insides, he didn't like the way Al was acting, it made him worry and it worsened his frustration,

"Do you not remember what you said to me?" he tried again, becoming annoyed with the fact that he was horny and emotionally worked up while Alphonse didn't seem more than physically affected, "Huh?" he gripped Al's wrists a bit tighter and again he received no emotional reaction, just a slight grimace before he felt the muscles in Alphonse's wrist tense as he wiggled his fingers.

Edward's breathing became harsher as they stared at each other, when finally Al spoke his voice was low and flat,

"I know what I said…" he admitted without even a hint of remorse for his contradictory behavior.

"Then what the hell are you doing?" Edward shot back without missing a beat, it baffled him and he wracked his brain to try and figure out what drug Alphonse could have taken to make him so unresponsive because Al just stared.

_'An antidepressant maybe, where would he get it from?'_  he frowned and watched as Al blinked up at him slowly. Edward narrowed his eyes slightly, glad his body was finally cooling down from the surges of sexual desire and he was starting to think clearer, now he felt more able to use his words. He approached the situation from a different angle,

"You practically threw me out of the apartment the other night…" he huffed slightly, again shifting his hair, "…and then you didn't fucking come home last night." He couldn't help say that last part with a bite, almost snapping his sharp teeth together as anger quickly replaced his arousal "…what did you stay over there for last night anyway?" he heard how accusing he sounded, "We needed to talk about what happened, I was _worried_  about you and you were just avoiding me, Alphonse!" Edward had yelled despite wanting to stay calm.

Alphonse's expression remained detached…he looked bored.

Ed took in a deep breath, teeth clenched and anger spurring him on. He swore to himself that if he found out that Elizabeth was a drug user and had given Alphonse some sort of downer or dissociative drug, he would strangle the bitch. His thoughts only made him angrier,

"And you called me so late, didn't you think I'd be worried, what the hell were you  _doing_?" he demanded, needing to know if Al had done drugs. He glared down at his indifferent sibling, Alphonse swallowed slightly and blinked up him with a miniscule amount of tension in his brow. Apparently unaffected by the tension and stress Edward knew was probably radiating off of his body.

He felt desperation creep into him, he'd barely gotten more than a few words out of Alphonse since he came home and Edward's concern was rising and gripping at his chest painfully, hitching his breaths,

"You lost your keys and you looked like shit when you walked in, like you didn't even sleep…" he said in a weaker tone as he frowned at Alphonse, "…did you?" ' _Did you take some sort of stimulant and now you're coming down from it…please tell me I didn't push you to drug using…'_  he felt himself start to panic as he considered that.

He'd given Al his body back after so much hardship…it would be his greatest fuck up yet to make his brother so unhappy that he started to abuse it.

Edward finally saw a shift in Alphonse's expression and he was watched as the dull gaze widened slightly as if the younger blonde had thought of something and then Al licked his lips,

"I kissed her, Edward." Al said point blank, voice impassive and his green eyes stony.

Pain stabbed at Edward's chest and stomach, he was holding his breath without even realizing it…and leaving bruises on his brother's wrists without noticing how the muscles in his arms tightened as tension coursed through him violently,

"We were lying on the bed, just talking and then I kissed her." Alphonse continued as his gaze took on a certain new light, he leveled Edward with a look somewhere between anger and curiosity and Ed's nerves slowly started to fray as his younger brother's words sunk in, "I liked the way she  _smelled,_  her skin and her hair, and when she kissed me back I could tell she  _really_  wanted me…" Edward felt the color drain from his face as his stomach bottomed out "…it was nice to be  _wanted_ , Edward." Alphonse finished in a cold voice that chilled him.

_'…lying in bed, they were in bed together…'_  his mind put the words together, ' _...she wanted him…he liked it…they were together, I was right…she and Alphonse are…they did…'_  when he finally took a breath it hurt deep inside his chest and he found himself smiling bitterly down at Alphonse, his lips twitching.

Even though he knew it was natural and it was okay for Alphonse to move on…it really wasn't, because it hurt so badly to know that hours ago Alphonse had been with someone else intimately. He felt completely numb, all he was aware of was Alphonse's expectant glare and the prone body beneath him that he knew so well…far too well for a brother…

…had Elizabeth known the things Al liked in bed?

Had she known that Al's body was sensitive, that he liked to be touched and caressed and kissed slowly all over? Had she known that if she bit his nipples just so he would make a different pleasured sound than if she had to nibble at his inner thighs? Did she know how high Alphonse could arch off the bed if she had to finger his tight, sensitive anus just right? Did she know that Alphonse shivered delightfully if she kissed him right when he climaxed?

**Of course not** , how could she know?

…she was a woman…and when it came to sex between a man and woman, the one on the receiving end of most of the foreplay was the girl.

It was not the same as sex between men, Edward knew that well.

The real question was whether or not Alphonse preferred to do those things to her than to have them done to him…

"Did she satisfy you?" Edward heard himself whisper and it shocked him back from numbness, he hadn't intended to say it aloud, he'd just been thinking it. But when Alphonse's impassive mask finally slipped and he looked genuinely shocked by the question, Ed looked at him suspiciously, "Why are you in my bed if she satisfied you?"

The question was valid, Alphonse had been all over him not five minutes ago, eager to please and probably seeking to be satisfied in the way only a man could satisfy him…in all the ways a woman could not.

Because Ed knew Alphonse loved being sexed up and stimulated by hands, mouth, teeth and tongue until he was a quivering mess…and then he loved to be penetrated and Edward _knew_  that because Al would sometimes find his voice to say it in breathy, throaty moans of 'please' and 'want' and ' _inside_ ' and 'now' and 'yes' and ' _deeper_ '…

…and 'Edward'…he would moan Edward's name…

…and the sound the younger blonde made whenever Ed finally slipped all the way into him was by far the best sound of all the noises his little brother ever made. It was like a moan of reaching for…wanting, getting and finally all at once…there would be quivering thighs, loud breaths and clenching of  **all**  muscles and that was usually the point when Edward had to take a moment and pull himself towards himself.

The moment when he was inside of Alphonse, every time, those moments, it leeched at his sexual control.

Edward let out a slow hot breath…

**No** , Elizabeth could  **not**  have satisfied Alphonse.

"I came to you…" Alphonse's soft breathy –uncertain- words made Edward's eyebrow twitch upwards in question ever so slightly, "…like you came to me after…Winry." And just like that it dawned on him what was happening.

The sudden lack of indifference replaced by hesitation in the younger blonde's words and the fact that he was starting to look a little paler…told Edward that his sibling wasn't being truthful.

Edward felt tension ease out of his shoulders as the realization that he was being mind-fucked sunk in and he laughed quietly, strained and short as he let go of Alphonse's wrists and pressed his hands into the pillow either side of Al's head. Edward was bizarrely tempted to kiss his forehead and stroke his hair but he focused on Alphonse's now expressive face,

"I never  **ever**  pegged you for the vengeful type…little brother." he said quietly, the words 'little brother' came off his tongue like butter and he watched as lines of anger and hurt etched into Al's face.

He knew he shouldn't have said those words but it was too late to apologize so he didn't, he just continued to stare down into Al's hurt face as regret and hurt slowly came to the surface of his emotions,

"I thought you fucked Elizabeth," he admitted, not sure why he was the one feeling like he'd done something wrong when Alphonse was the one who'd tried to blatantly hurt him, "but you were just trying to make me  **think**  you did." He couldn't help the second short, ugly laugh that came out of him.

He saw a look of something so close to hate cross Alphonse's face before an abrupt movement brought Al's clenched fist – a white row of hard perfect knuckles- so close to his face he could feel heat radiating off of it.

"Hit me if you want to Alphonse, I won't fight you." He said calmly, meaning it completely, and he looked at Alphonse's hand and at the slowly forming bruises on the younger blonde's wrists that were by his doing.

Yet another way he'd managed to hurt his most treasured love.

"I want to hit you." Alphonse told him in a shaken and honest voice and Edward managed a small and pained smile in response to the admission,

"It's okay…I deserve it." Edward said calmly, he felt so hollow and sore inside now that the anger was gone.

"Get off me." Alphonse's words were cold enough to shock Edward into focus.

He regarded the anger on Alphonse's face, weighing the authenticity of his expression as it occurred to him that Al's admission to kissing Elizabeth had been said without even a quaver in the younger blonde's voice, it had been the most honest of all his words, so Edward wondered,

"Did you really kiss her?" he asked and reached for Al's shaking slowly unfurling fist but he barely got to run a gentle thumb over the bruised bone of the wrist before the hand was forcefully pulled away from him,

"Did you kiss Mustang?" Alphonse spat and when he sat up suddenly Edward quickly pushed off of the pillows and crouched back on his legs to avoid getting headed in his face.

Alphonse stopped short and Edward frowned at him as the question sunk in, bringing with it a recent memory of being trapped between Mustang and a car where being kissed had probably been a real possibility had he not acted as quickly as he had,

"W-what?" he had no idea why Al would ask him that, he couldn't possibly have known what almost happened.

"Get the fuck off me, Edward." Alphonse didn't give him an answer, but he looked twice as pissed off as if whatever had been in his system stunting his emotions was no longer active. Edward quickly tried to reach Alphonse now that he seemed to be more reactive,

"Why are you trying to run away from me?" he shot back.

Alphonse's face twisted into disbelieving irritation,

"Run away! I'm in your bed for fuck sakes!" he said loudly, voice straining.

Edward decided they were finally getting somewhere, Al was talking again so it was his best shot to get answers,

"You came in here wanting sex, Alphonse!" he said honestly.

Alphonse needed to explain himself because Edward was tired of being fucked around, they either  **were** or they **weren't** , but it couldn't be both.

"Can you blame me for being horny!? You're so fucking selfish when it comes to sex, Edward!"

That struck him like a blow to the gut and all of his intentions to talk through the topic of them being together were snuffed out like a candle by the sheer force of Al's exclamation. Edward stared dumbly,

"What the he-…" he started to say, not even sure where  _that_  topic of conversation had arisen from.

Alphonse cut him off and Edward could suddenly see a severe anger in his green-gold eyes, the entirety of it directed at him,

"Don't look so surprised. You know I'm right, you most certainly  **did not**  give me sexually as much as I gave  **you**! Sometimes I had to practically beg you. It was  **selfish**  and sometimes it was  _boring_!" Alphonse's straight white teeth were bared, he was sneering and Edward was emotionally intimidated because he'd never seen this side of his brother.

The insults to his sexual abilities didn't affect him, it was the look Alphonse was giving him that took the fight out of him, the breath, the nerve, the feeling…

It was a look of abhorrence.

He stuttered out something he wasn't completely aware of as he stared at Alphonse's scornful face and then he was caught unawares by hands impacting against his chest forcefully.

Edward couldn't catch his fall, he'd been crouching on a soft surface and he was numb, his limbs didn't react fast enough and the strength behind the shove threw him backwards off the foot of the bed. Edward hit the tiles on his back with a painful cold slap and the back of his head bounced against the tile sending a sharp pain through it.

One of his legs were still partially on the bed but the rest of him was sprawled on the floor, grimacing at the pain shooting through him, he was slightly winded since he hadn't had time to prepare himself before he hit the ground so he arched briefly off the tile. Before he could get his paining head to clear or his still numbed limbs to work properly…Alphonse ripped into him with a ferocity that Edward could have sworn made his heart bleed.

"You never wanted to fuck me anyway right,  _brother_?" Ed felt dizzy from the words, slowly he pushed himself up onto his elbows and watched as sheets flared up on the bed. He felt nothing right then except for the anguishing pain ripping through his chest, "All the times you nailed me to the fucking mattress and got off inside me  **I**  was obviously  **forcing**  you to do it, right  **brother?** " he turned his head unsteadily as Alphonse's bare feet slapped onto the tile and he started to walk across the room, his face an expression of loathing Edward would never forget for as long as he lived. "I'm so sorry I made you do all that," Alphonse yanked the door open and Edward couldn't breathe , "in fact, I'm **so**  sorry I love you like I do, because it's only making us both fucking miserable."

Then the door slammed and Alphonse had left the bedroom. There was another slam a few seconds later and Edward still couldn't breathe, he couldn't feel…he couldn't comprehend…

The pain in his chest continued to viciously constrict his throat, hitching his breathing painfully for almost a minute before a suffering sob made it past his gray lips …

…and then there was a burning wetness in his eyes and he was shaking so badly his muscles felt like they were spasming and he was breathing out quiet, broken, empty sounds.

Edward pushed himself into a sitting position, drawing his legs up but he didn't get off the floor right away. He remained sitting on the cold tiles for a length of time he didn't care to take notice of as he tried and failed to stop his painfully wrenching heart and the tug of war within his guts. He could hear Alphonse crying and that sound always did him in, twisted his insides up so badly that all he wanted to do was apologize and plead for forgiveness for whatever he'd done wrong.

But this time he just didn't have the strength, Alphonse's words were so cold he felt like 'sorry' would not be enough, it would never be enough again.

_'Maybe I'll try later…'_  he thought emptily because he felt no conviction at the idea, Edward hadn't stopped shaking and he knew he wouldn't be able to face Alphonse right then…or even for a while…

He was  _ashamed_  and  _sickened_  by himself, for hurting Alphonse…for bringing out that ugliness from within his younger brother's honest love and need.

The ache in his chest was painful…so painful that even as Edward got to his feet on jelly-like legs, he still hadn't been able to take a full breath. There were a few warm trails sliding down his face and he didn't bother to wipe them away as he stared at the bedroom door.

The very same door that Alphonse had walked out of, that the love of his life –in every way possible- had walked out of…after telling Edward exactly how he felt. Just like Edward had wanted, to hear his feelings on their relationship…

…but not like that. Not so vicious…not so cruel…

In the end, after everything…it really was an ugly thing that they'd become.

And in the end, Alphonse did hate him.

Alphonse hated him. That look…those words…

Shaking badly, Edward walked to his wardrobe and opened the doors, he fumbled for clothing until he found something and he pulled on the jeans and shirt slowly. He didn't bother with anything else, he didn't even bother to re-braid his hair, he just grabbed his wallet and then headed for his bedroom door.

_'Just a walk…I just need some air…'_  because his breath was still halting in his chest,  _'…I can fix this, I just need some time to…to…'_  he didn't know what, he had no idea what he could do. He rushed out of his bedroom, the sounds of Alphonse crying were louder and he felt sick to his stomach as he walked by his younger brother's bedroom door with fear and uncertainty in his veins.

He hated himself for running away but Edward could only deal with so much before he needed a reset point. He'd been through the ringer, just the same as Alphonse, and now he needed to take a moment, just a walk, just a simple long walk, to gather his thoughts and reestablish his brotherly strength.

He was only human after all…no matter how strong he'd been in his life, he was flesh and blood…and he had a heart…a heart that hurt and ached just like anyone else's, and emotions that if they took too much strain they would yield and he would break down.

It had happened before.

He didn't want it to happen again.

_'Just a walk…'_  he told himself as he pulled his boots on and nearly tripped over his loose laces as he opened the main door and rushed out.

* * *

'Just a walk' had ended up being a walk to the nearest liquor store for Edward.

He wasn't usually the type to seek solace in the bottle but then again, his problems of late had been anything but  _usual_. From there, his walk had turned into 'just need some sleep' which had taken him to a nearby –not too cheap and not too expensive- small hotel.

A few hours later Edward found himself sitting on a single bed in a quiet hotel room opening the cap off a bottle of rum, he didn't have a taste for it, but in his experience it was one of the few alcohols that made him drunk much more effectively.

He grimaced before his lips even touched the mouth of the bottle and then he took a quick swig, it burned his throat which was not unfamiliar but the taste made him pull his face. It didn't stop him though, he had a goal and it was to sleep like the dead which he could not achieve without some sort of help.

He took a longer drink from the bottle and licked his lips, still pulling his face in dislike,

"What the hell am I doing? Of all the things I saw happening in my life…drowning my sorrows in alcohol wasn't one of them…" he muttered and took another drink. And then another.

He probably should have taken into account that he was drinking on an empty stomach.

* * *

Edward woke with a headache and with his face just about off the edge of a bed in an unfamiliar room.

He was lying on his stomach, face pressed to the side at an uncomfortable angle and his arms were sort of numb but he knew that one of them were at his side on the bed and the other was dangling over the end. He didn't rush to get up; the hotel room he was in was still light as it had been when he remembered lying down so he figured he hadn't been out for too long.

Just then there was a knock at the door and Edward frowned when a woman's voice announced she was there for housekeeping. He remembered the receptionist telling him that the room cleaners only came in the mornings at around 10 am. As it dawned on him that it was more than likely the next day…it also dawned on him that he was going to throw up.

He got off the bed as quickly as he could and smacked his hand over his mouth as he rushed across the small room into the bathroom. Edward barely managed to get the lid of the toilet up before the liquid contents of his stomach came rushing up. He fell to his knees painfully as he started to throw up, his hands weakly gripping the lid and the seat of the toilet.

The stench that came with his vomit was raw alcohol, there was nothing else in his system besides approximately 650 ml of cheap rum. He'd very nearly finished off the bottle, he remembered now, and hurled again…and again, closing his eyes against the burn in his throat and the sound of the reddish sweet liquid and bile hitting the water in the toilet bowl.

He heard the housekeeping lady announce herself again and with a shaking stomach he scowled,

"Fuck off!" he yelled in a rasp and then gripped the toilet again when he gagging, but that time he only dry heaved.

He spent the next minute just spitting out the rushes of saliva gathering in his mouth and breathing shakily.

When it was finally over he leaned back from the toilet bowl and sat back on his legs, his stomach was shaking and his throat burning and every time he swallowed it tasted vile, he hated rum.

_'At least I slept.'_  He thought sarcastically and wiped tears away from his eyes.

It was the next day which meant he'd slept for a long time, but he didn't feel rested and his vomiting episode only made his headache worse. He was about to rub a hand over his mouth when he remembered the moisture on his lips and chin, he grimaced in self-disgust and leaned forward slightly to grab the toilet paper off the holder.

He wiped his chin off after unraveling some and then looked over himself, blinking at his state of undress. He didn't remember taking his jeans or his tank shirt of but apparently he had because he was only in his boxer shorts.

Edward sighed as he wiped some of his throw up off his thighs and the floor between his legs –he really had barely made it to bend over the toilet,

"Just as well, I wouldn't have had clean clothes to wear." He mused since he'd have messed them with puke.

When he was done he tossed the used tissues into the bowl and stood up, his legs were a bit weak from sitting on them and his overall bad state but he actually felt better after throwing up. Edward closed the toilet bowl and flushed away his sick and then he stepped over to the bath tub, he glanced up and was relieved to find they had showers installed, he wasn't fond of baths.

He stripped off his shorts and took them into the shower with him, when he started up the water and flinched at the initial cold, Edward snorted and smiled sadly. His situation right then –minus the getting drunk and vomiting- was similar to the way things had been years ago.

Staying in a small impersonal hotel and taking lukewarm showers in tiny bathrooms, having to wash his underwear out whenever he took a shower or bath in order to have a clean pair at least every second day when he wasn't sleeping on trains or in makeshift accommodations in the middle of nowhere.

As he rubbed his wet shorts up with the bar of cheap sandalwood scented hotel soap until it was thoroughly sudsy, he thought that it would have been better if he could be able to say he'd come a long way. But that wasn't the case, if anything, he was doing worse than he was years ago.

Life had only ever had one purpose for him, and that was Alphonse.

"Look at us now." He said bitterly as he washed his shorts briskly, rubbing the cotton roughly against itself, then he paused and sighed miserably, "I'm sorry Alphonse, I'm sorry…I can't be perfect, I can't do anything right." He thrust his shorts under the lukewarm spray and let the water rinse the soap from it as he bit back tears and his burning throat tensed around a lump.

When he was done rinsing his shorts Edward wrung it out and hung it over the shower rail and then proceeded to wash himself thoroughly, including his hair, which he realized with quite a bit of embarrassment, he hadn't bothered to re-braid since he'd left the apartment.

He couldn't imagine what he must have looked like the previous day with creased clothing, untidy hair, a sleep deprived and sickly appearance…and he'd walked into a liquor store at midday.

How the Fullmetal Alchemist had fallen.

He shut the water off when he was done and wrenched the shower curtain back irritably. After he grabbed one of the folded hotel towels on the rack he wrapped it around his waist and then twirled his long hair tightly together over the bath and wrung as much water out as he could before stepping out of the tub.

He huffed when he realized he had no toothbrush or toothpaste and would have to deal with the taste of rum and stomach acid until he could get some supplies,

_'I should just go home.'_  Even as he thought it, Edward didn't see himself returning home just yet.

He rinsed his mouth out as much as he could with plain water and then went back into the small room. Edward proceeded to dress himself in his thankfully clean clothes, he checked for any alcohol spillage and found none. Of course he had to go commando since his boxers were wet but it wasn't the first time and wouldn't be the last for him.

"Could have been worse, I could have been wearing leather pants…" he pointed out another small silver lining in his self-inflicted mess as he pulled his jeans on, being grateful for the fact he wouldn't end up with over sweating and chafing in his private areas. Once he was dressed and had tied his wet hair into a ponytail he picked up the almost empty bottle of rum and threw the little remaining contents down the basin drain before placing the bottle in the wastebasket for housekeeping to throw out and then he grabbed his wallet and left the room.

As he walked to the hotel lobby Edward felt incredibly guilty for the fact that he had every intention of returning to the hotel later and as he stopped at the main desk and took his wallet out to pay for another night, Ed sighed miserably, feeling like a coward for deciding to spend the night in the hotel again rather than returning home to face Alphonse.

Never in his life had he so blatantly avoided his beloved younger brother…until now.

* * *

Edward walked out of the supermarket with a grocer packet containing a toothbrush, toothpaste, mouthwash, deodorant and a stick of strong minty gum which he was already tearing into. He'd been tempted to buy himself some cheap clothing but had forced himself not to; he needed a reason to force himself to go home, he couldn't let himself get comfortable with running away and avoiding Alphonse.

He chewed a piece of gum with harsh bites as he walked along the moderately busy streets, he didn't like gum but he wasn't going straight back to the hotel and he'd desperately needed to get the taste of rum out of his mouth. When he reached a small café on a corner that had a nice variety of sandwiches and other quick lunches he decided food was a good idea, so he bought himself a large turkey sandwich –hoping his stomach didn't reject it – and a bottle of water.

Ten minutes later he ended up in North Central Park sitting under a tree in the grassy area beside the lake. There were quite a few people around for a weekday, some walking or playing with dogs, some sitting on the grass much the same as he was and talking or eating. Others were walking, jogging or taking their kids out to play and as much as he'd have preferred to be completely and utterly alone, Edward appreciated the sounds of everyday life as a background noise over the loudness of his own thoughts.

He leaned back against the tree as he finished off his sandwich, licking the corners of his lips to catch the last of the tasty sauce before he drank from his half bottle of water. He was glad that his stomach wasn't violently disagreeing with his meal, but he'd always had a strong stomach.

His legs were stretched out, his knees bent up slightly and his supermarket packets sat on the grass between his thighs. Edward squashed the sandwich wrapper up and dropped it in the packet before he drew his legs up more and leaned his elbows on his knees; absently his thumbs traced the label on the clear plastic bottle as he stared at the lake water.

He pursed his lips as his thoughts inevitably drifted to Alphonse from the day before, Edward knew Al had taken some sort of drug, it was the only explanation for his strange behavior. But whatever it was, it wasn't responsible for the harsh –and honest- words Alphonse had left him with before walking out.

Those words had revealed real feelings and thoughts that Alphonse had been keeping to himself all along.

Edward knew he'd been holding back with Alphonse sexually throughout their relationship, he'd been entirely aware of it, he'd been doing it purposely because he wasn't comfortable with the idea of going too far with the younger blonde. For that reason, the insults didn't bruise his ego or affect his self-esteem. Being called selfish had hurt though, probably because he knew his own reasons for doing it and he knew Alphonse wouldn't appreciate them.

Alphonse used to look at him like he was an idiot whenever he'd pointed out in the past that he wasn't comfortable with doing certain things during sex, whether or not he might have been tempted to, even though Al always wanted it. Alphonse was amazing, Edward could never deny how many times he'd wanted to do all kinds of things to his little brother that were so sexual it would make their mother turn in her grave time and time over.

Thinking of his mother always brought about a deep feeling of shame, but she was not alive to help him through this, he was on his own and Alphonse wanted and needed things from him…she wouldn't have understood,

_'Hell, I barely do after all this time…'_

He ran a hand through his bangs while keeping his elbows on his knees and he hung his head. Edward wondered now if he'd just gone ahead and done everything sexual to Alphonse that crossed the lines he'd carefully drawn for himself, would things have still ended up the way it currently was.

It took Edward a moment to remember just when things had gotten to be so bad between them, and when it did finally come to him –the night he'd been drinking and had spitefully reminded Alphonse that he'd used Sildenafil to drug and manipulate Ed- he didn't find it surprising that he was once again to blame.

So yes, he nodded to himself and swallowed sorely, it could have been avoided,

_'If I'd given him a proper relationship from the beginning, this wouldn't have happened because he would have been happy.'_  That didn't necessarily include his own ultimate happiness, but he'd be content whenever Al was happy,  _'But that was the plan in the beginning and I still fucked it up.'_  He sighed and stared at the green grass, absently breaking it down to its basic composition in his head within seconds.

_'Alphonse can't be happy unless I'm happy…and I can't be happy unless he is.'_  He made an irritated face at the grass when the redundancy of that situation sunk in; it was just like what Mustang had said the previous New Year's night. He hated that Roy had been right but he couldn't fault the older man for being somewhat wise, he smirked,

_'Bastard is so old after all, if he wasn't a little wise he'd be totally useless.'_

His smirk faded when he thought about what had happened with Mustang, he wanted to believe it had been a drunken mistake, Roy just overdoing his teasing and joking because he'd been inebriated. But Edward suspected it wasn't completely an alcohol induced incident, Mustang had been too close and too serious and he'd looked just a bit too frustrated when Edward had told him to back off.

Edward had no idea how to approach the idea of Roy being genuinely interested in him, yet it didn't amuse him like he might have thought it would. It…concerned him. Because now that he was faced with the possibility of a serious romantic interest from the older man, he was confused about what that meant to him.

He'd  **never**  liked Roy Mustang like that, at the most he'd always been aware that Roy was an attractive man, but then again, who the hell wasn't aware of that. It'd never been more though, he'd never checked Mustang out or considered what it might be like to be close to him or to kiss him.

Edward's skin crawled in that odd way again at the thought of kissing his ex-commanding officer. It wasn't an unpleasant crawling but it wasn't all that nice either, it was…weird. Just like being close enough to smell the man's cologne that night or realizing how nicely built Roy probably was underneath his clothes…it was just too weird.

Edward ran his hand over his face, raising his head as he sighed,

_'And just why the hell would Alphonse ask me if I kissed Mustang, where would he get that fucking idea from?'_  he thought, clenching his jaw a few times as his mind worried over the same things they had the previous night before he'd become too drunk to think straight anymore.

_'And why would he give a shit…if he'd really been…doing whatever…with Elizabeth?'_  he groaned quietly and opened his eyes as he pressed his hand over his mouth.

Edward blinked at the little girl that was staring at him, standing in front of him just more than a foot away. She had two little blonde pigtails, big brown eyes and a tiny skinny body clad in a bright yellow top and blue jeans, she couldn't have been older than ten.

"Hi…" she blinked and smiled, "…are you sad?"

Edward didn't dislike children, he honestly didn't, he just found their inability to not be forward, obnoxious or susceptible to death glares somewhat bothersome,

"No, I'm not…" he mumbled, "…I'm just tired, now go away." He tried to smile at the unintentionally intrusive little girl.

He remembered Winry telling him in one of her letters to him when he'd been in Creta that she thought he'd make a great dad. Something about 'because his own father had been absent he'd probably strive to be better for his own kids'. It wasn't that he didn't think he'd try to be a good dad, it was just that he didn't really believe he had it in him to be one. All the same, when he'd decided he was going to ask Winry to marry him all that time ago he'd resigned himself to the fact that he'd be having kids since she had very honestly said she wanted kids…more than one…more than two in fact.

It had scared him, but Edward was the sort of guy who did things now and dealt with consequences later. Which made him really stupid even if it was often mistaken for being brave and confident.

He did think Alphonse would make an incredible father though…

_'…maybe now that he has Elizabeth…'_  he felt the misery stab at his insides just a bit more.

"You look sad." The little girl –who Edward had forgotten about- spoke up and he blinked at her again, frowning slightly,

"Where's your mom or dad, kid?" he mumbled audibly into his hand still covering his mouth.

"At work." She fidgeted, crossing her sandaled feet over each other and scratching her face.

Edward raised an eyebrow, some concern slipped into his features,

"Who're you here with?" he moved his hand from his mouth.

The girl opened her mouth to talk but then someone yelled,

"Amy! I told you not to move from my side! Who're you talking to!?" a panicked female voice screeched as it came nearer. Edward watched the little girl make an insincere guilty face at the rapidly approaching woman but he didn't look up to see, hoping the woman would drag her child…or charge…away and leave him in peace.

"I wanted to see the ducks in the lake but then I saw this sad man sitting here." The little girl, Amy, explained and pointed from the lake to him. Edward frowned at her and then glanced up when the woman finally reached them and snatched her small hand up tightly,

"Didn't your mother teach you not to talk to damn strangers…serious…ly…" the woman trailed off.

Edward finally looked up at her face and he felt his mood drop several degrees,

_'Can't catch a fucking break.'_  He thought irritably.

"Edward." Kimberly said somewhat stiffly.

Edward raised his eyebrows and leaned back against the tree so he didn't have to strain his neck to see her. He couldn't imagine that seeing her was anything more than a shitty coincidence, he'd never been in the park during the weekdays so for all he knew she was here all the time and he was the one unexpected there.

"Haven't seen you here before." She glanced at the little girl and adjusted her handbag on her shoulder.

_'Yup, unfortunate coincidence.'_  He sighed,

"Getting some air." He said flatly, not in the mood to talk to  _anyone_.

"You know the sad man, Aunt Kim?" the little girl asked but didn't wait for an answer, "Then he's not a stranger." She stated confidently with a frown. Kimberly gave her a bland look,

"He's a stranger to  **you** ," she sighed and looked back to Edward, "my niece, Amy."

Edward just smiled –fake- at them both.

"Why is your friend sad, Aunt Kim?" Amy asked with wide eyes aimed at Edward.

Kimberly laughed quietly,

"He's not sad, that's just his face." She jibed and Edward gave her a weak glare.

"Oh." Amy said, feigning that she understood the sarcastic comment and then she grinned at Edward, "Guess what, I'm going to see alchemy right now!" she was boasting –Edward assumed by her childish smugness- "If you want Aunt Kim to show you too, I don't mind, then you don't have to sit here alone!" she invited Ed as only a child could, oblivious to her words or the tension in the air between Ed and 'aunt Kim'.

He didn't blame Kimberly for disliking him, he didn't blame anyone for disliking him actually.

"Uh, no Amy I don't think Edward wants to see." Kimberly said awkwardly and tugged a little on the confused girl's hand as she took a step away,

"But why? Is it too hard for you to do?" she aimed this question at Edward, "Aunt Kim says you have to be real smart but don't feel bad if you're not." She explained with an expression that told Edward she assumed that she knew everything.

He grinned wryly at her and slid his eyes to Kimberly, she looked like she didn't want to be put on the spot, so Edward put her on the spot anyway,

"Actually  _Aunt Kim_ , your niece is right, I would like to see you do alchemy." He remembered her claiming to be an aspiring alchemist – a bad one- and of course he knew, to be an alchemist you needed much more than aspiration.

She looked a bit unhappy at the way things were going but Edward was amused by it.

Kimberly huffed and nodded hesitantly,

"Okay fine, sit down Amy." She let the girl's hand go and both of them sat down on the grass around Edward, Amy crossed her legs underneath herself and Kimberly kneeled.

He watched as Kimberly reached into her handbag and pulled out a folded piece of paper and a neat rectangle of grey and white granite.

When she turned to face him again she looked irritable, her ponytail swung back over her shoulder and she gave him a reproachful look, he wondered if it was because she didn't want to embarrass herself in front of him.

"Okay…" Kimberly mumbled and placed the granite in her lap as she unfolded the paper.

Edward sat forward slightly, crossing one leg to lie underneath the other as he looked over the circle drawn on the paper now spread out on the grass.

"Where'd you get that circle?" he asked quietly just before she placed the granite on the paper.

She blinked and glanced between him, Amy –who was wide eyed and excited- and then the circle on the paper,

"From a book on basic alchemy in the library."

Edward gave the paper a lazy dismissive look,

"That's very basic, how long have you been doing alchemy?" he knew he sounded utterly unimpressed but that's because he was, the circle she was using was the simplest type, one that he'd first used when he was five years old. The basic matrix with two opposite facing triangles inside – for earth there was an additional crossing line below the point of the triangle and for fire just a plain triangle, and within that there was a smaller square and circle attached to an inner circle and the line of earth, which represented the components of restructuring the stone in the granite.

"On and off over the last few years." She sounded upset, Edward glanced up from the paper to look at her and Amy, the little girl's hopeful look was now skeptical and Ed realized he was probably ruining this for Kimberly. The little girl looked up to her and he was questioning her inept abilities so blatantly.

_'Stop being such an asshole.'_  He told himself as he smiled a little more genuinely at Amy, thinking of how Alphonse had once looked at him with hope and awe when Edward had been the first one of the two of them to use alchemy successfully, And then Al had been so happy when Ed had helped him do the same only a few hours later. Of course…Alphonse was a genius like himself…but that was beside the point…

"How about Kimberly and I both show you a little alchemy." He suggested and glanced at Kimberly to see her surprised expression, "I'll show you the technical side Amy, and your aunt will show you the practical side." He offered and the little girl stared at him.

Kimberly pursed her lips and smiled before she spoke to Amy,

"He's going to explain the circle to you and I'll do the alchemy." She explained.

Edward didn't think a kid of ten or so should need to be spoken to in such layman's terms but then again, he also doubted he'd make a good father, so he didn't comment and instead picked the paper up,

"First of all, this circle is more for sedimentary rock…while the compositions are similar it's not exactly the same as granite." He glanced at the piece of stone in her lap, "Of course it'll still work since the minerals are not impossible to blend, but your outcome won't be nearly as clean or impressive….do you have a pen?" he looked at Kimberly.

She looked surprised again like she hadn't expected him to want to change the transmutation circle; all the same she pulled out a pen and a hard cover address book for him to press on. Edward felt their eyes on him as he placed the paper at different angles on the smaller book and started to amend the circle as much as he could without starting from scratch.

When he was done he laid the paper out again and pointed at different alchemical runes he'd added for salt, sulfur and mercury, explaining that the symbols went a long way to stabilizing the components of the transmutation. Sulfur represented fire, mercury represented water as well as fire and even air and salt represented earth and life on a more complex level and together they represented a combined understanding of all active ingredients that made up the universe. It was still pretty basic but more stable.

He glanced at Kimberly when he was done to see if she understood –because as an aspiring alchemist she should definitely know the three philosophical principles of the science. She didn't look dumbfounded which he took as a good sign and then he glanced at Amy, and wasn't surprised that she looked bored since she didn't understand.

Edward considered for a second whether he should start the circle from scratch and add in each chemical symbol to more easily transmute the granite from its basic makeup but he knew the circle might look too complicated even though it'd still be quite basic. In the end he decided not to interfere too much, he let it be and placed the granite in the center of circle before he gestured to Kimberly,

"Your turn."

She blinked at him and then back to the circle and then she nodded uncertainly and looked at Amy,

"What should I make for you?" she smiled unconfidently and Edward was amused.

"A fairy!" Amy exclaimed, obviously wanting to have a pretty little stone model of the fairytale creature.

"A…fairy…" Kimberly raised an eyebrow and glanced at the granite.

"Yes, with wings and, and a pretty dress and everything."

Kimberly looked back to him hopefully and Edward's felt a bit sad, he shook his head, because he couldn't do it, one upon a time he would have made a perfect little fairy ornament –with sharp teeth, bat wings, a maniacal grin and a dagger in hand- but he could no longer use alchemy.

She sighed and stared down at the stone,

"I'll try…but no promises." She mumbled.

Edward brushed his bangs behind his ears and stopped her before she touched the circle,

"You can do it, it probably won't be very detailed but as long as you know your material the rest is up to your imagination." He picked up the granite and weighed it in his hand for a moment, "This is about 1.5 kilograms of granite, so you won't get a very big ornament out of it." He lowered Amy's expectations and placed the granite back down, and then he shifted to his knees opposite Kimberly and the paper.

"Comprehend the granite…" he instructed, "…you should know its total composition before you attempt to deconstruct it or you won't be successful. What is its chemical make up?" he looked at Kimberly expectantly and she blinked a few times, "You do know your chemistry right?" he asked skeptically.

Quickly she nodded and took a breath,

"Okay…it's uh, sodium, potassium, manganese…" she glanced at him and he nodded, encouraging her to keep going, "…silica, alumina…and…uh…" she pursed her lips and looked at him for help, he realized now why she was no good at it, she probably wasn't fully dedicated to it or didn't completely understand it, "…oh, and iron." She said quickly.

Edward nodded slightly,

"Iron oxide and iron oxalate, also you left out titanium, magnesium and phosphorous pentoxide but a percentage of those compounds are not critically important if you're not a perfectionist, now, do you know all those minerals?" he asked her and she nodded more surely.

He gestured to the circle again,

"If you understand your material, you should be able to deconstruct it easily, focus mainly on breaking down the silica, alumina, potassium and sodium. The melting temperature of granite is more than 1200 degrees Celsius; I'd suggest you try around 1230 for a smooth transition into reconstruction." He added off handedly, having transmuted granite many times before.

"O-okay…" Kimberly seemed stunned and Edward was surprised by how much he was enjoying talking chemistry and physics –even on such a basic level. There was a time when he and Alphonse would spend hours sharing calculations and talking about alchemy, he missed it sorely.

_'But it's my fault we don't anymore, because I've been lying to him.'_  he frowned and watched as Kimberly hesitantly put her hands on the circle edges on the paper. Edward hoped it wouldn't make her uncomfortable but he placed his hands on top of hers, pressing them for firmly to the paper,

"Don't hesitate, if you're uncertain of the equation of your chemicals before you transmute, it could rebound. It's a small transmutation so it won't be dangerous to you but it'd be a bad example." He tipped his head in Amy's wide eyed direction.

He played it off as though he wanted to help steady her confidence but truthfully, he wanted to feel the electric energy over his skin when she activated the circle. He felt guilty to miss his alchemy so much considering the invaluable reason he'd given it up for, but he couldn't help it, the wanting to feel the energy again…

…just like he wished he didn't crave Alphonse's physical closeness as much as he did, but couldn't help it.

He'd lost alchemy…he didn't want to lose Alphonse too.

"Okay, here we go." Kimberly said a little more confidently and closed her eyes –a rank amateur if he ever saw one, only newbies closed their eyes- and then there was a dull blue glow.

Edward felt the brief shift in the air, blowing his bangs and Kimberly's back from their faces as they leaned into the paper. When the shallow blue sparks started to crackle he felt the surge from her hands travel into his own, the body was a conductor of electricity and the hair on his skin stood up and hummed pleasantly at the long since felt sensation.

He let himself enjoy the shallow reaction, so much weaker than what he'd once been used to, and then when it was over and it was just warm smaller hands beneath his own, he slowly removed his hands and kneeled back on his legs. He smiled sadly down at the squat granite fairy – it looked a bit like a cherub with indiscernible clothes, crooked wings and shallow facial features- that was in the middle of the paper.

He thought it was awful looking, worse than his first try when he'd been no more than a toddler, but Kimberly looked proud and Amy looked pleased and he missed Alphonse so much his chest started to ache anew.

Edward sighed and got to his feet, Kimberly looked up at him, clearly disappointed,

"I gotta go." He said by way of goodbye.

"Oh, okay…I guess I'll see you around." She managed a smile.

"I guess." He mumbled and picked his packet up from the grass,

"Bye Edward!" Amy said brightly, holding her ugly cherub-fairy as if it were a treasure.

"Bye kid." He flashed her a small smile and then walked away.

* * *

Edward didn't go home that night.

He'd wanted to, especially after being a part of that little alchemical reaction with Kimberly and her niece, he'd wanted to go home and tell Alphonse about the fact that he had no alchemy anymore, he wanted to just come clean.

But then he chickened out because things were so bad between them as it was, resentment, guilt, love and lies had all built up and caused a stressed and ugly rift between them. Telling Alphonse that he'd sacrificed his alchemy to get his body back would only make Al feel worse.

He sighed as he lay in the hotel bed staring up at the ceiling, he'd returned to the hotel after being at the park. He was feeling emotional and guilty because he couldn't work up the nerve to go home or to call Alphonse, asking himself 'what if Al doesn't take my call', so he'd lain down and slept for a few hours. When he'd woken again it'd been dark outside so he'd decided it was too late for him to seek supper at the hotel restaurant. Instead he'd –finally- brushed his teeth, stripped his clothing off and opted to sleep in the nude so he'd have his underwear clean for the next day…

…when he hoped he'd have the guts to go home.

He wondered what Alphonse was doing right then, like he had so many times before when he'd lie alone in a hotel room while he'd been in Creta. He used to comfort himself with the thought that his younger brother was missing him too, while also enjoying life and the company of people they loved, like Winry and Pinako.

Now though, it was hard to imagine Alphonse missed him at all, after what he'd said…

Edward sighed and shifted under the thin sheet, the cotton felt smooth against the naked –usually covered- parts of his skin, he hadn't often slept naked but he decided it wasn't an entirely uncomfortable experience.

The texture of the soft cotton reminded him of skin, it wasn't nearly as smooth, soft or warm…but the skin that came to mind was Alphonse's…

…along with the memory of that skin being against him just two days before.

Smooth skin, a wet eager tongue…a warm deft hand on his…

Edward sighed heavily and shifted his legs as warmth started to kindle between his legs, he glared at the ceiling as if it were responsible for his arousal before he placed a hand on his chest and scratched his skin absently. He didn't want to get a hard on right then, the last thing he wanted to do was jerk off in a hotel room, he hadn't done that since Creta but at least then he'd had Winry's racy letters –which were locked away in his safe presently- to keep him company.

But now he was alone, there was no second written party and even the memory of Winry's perfume scented letters telling what she liked to do to herself when she was in the bathtub thinking of him didn't stir his arousal as much as the memory of the things he and Alphonse haddone together.

He groaned quietly as he started to get hard, fisting the hand on his chest as his thoughts of Winry and Alphonse mingled. Imaginings of Winry's explanation of wetness and heat between her legs for him to sensory memories of Al's mouth, hot and wet, sucking him off.

Edward had almost forgotten how very sexually inclined he was after all the time he'd spent holding back with Alphonse, but he got hard so fast it quickly reminded him that he did indeed like sex  **very**  much, even if he could live without it, he didn't mind having it at  _all_.

He slid his hand down over his stomach when he remembered how close he'd been to fucking Winry that one time, but that wasn't the part of the memory that made him take a firm hold of his erection and squeeze lightly. It was the occurrence that had followed that which brought him to full hardness, made him lick his lips and close his eyes…thinking of when he'd slipped into Alphonse's bedroom afterward and been bestowed with an illicit and oh so intense blow job…

…and then he'd come in Alphonse's mouth and even though it had once made him sick to think about, it had happened so many times since that it was easier to get past…

And think about…and desire….

Soon Edward was jerking himself off in earnest, he'd pushed the sheet covering himself down so he wouldn't mess it. He'd spread his legs wider as he thrust up into his hand, squeezing himself and rubbing his thumb and palm over the head of his cock occasionally between thrusts to enhance the sensation. His other arm was resting across his eyes, his free hand clenched into a fist as many arousing thoughts flashed through his mind. He never made much noise during sexual activities but in the quiet right then he could hear his hitched breaths, abrupt pleasured sighs and low quiet moans as he worked his hand at the right speed and grip that would get him off quickly.

Behind his eyelids he replayed memories that turned him on most, and as dirty – and good- as it felt, the memories were of all of Alphonse. The feeling of Alphonse's tongue in his mouth, on his skin, on his cock…the feeling of being inside Al with his fingers or with his erection…the image of what Al would look like if he'd had the chance to fuck him on the kitchen table that night…bend him over it…

He exhaled loudly, running his tongue along his bottom lip as a strong wave of pleasure moved through him, drawing more pre-cum from his erection, making his palm slicker and his strokes squelch more audibly. He moved his hand faster and pressed his head back into the pillow, his hips started to move erratically upward, pushing himself firmly into his hand. The final thought that undid him was a blissful memory of feeling Alphonse orgasm around him, his anal walls clamping like a silken, wet, hot vacuum that would suck him in every time…

…Edward squeezed his cock tightly, as tight as it felt to be inside his younger brother during orgasm and with a short moan, he stroked himself a few times roughly just as he came. Edward breathed out sharply and he gently trapped his tongue between his teeth as his orgasm rolled over his skin with a wonderful heat, he continued to slide his hand up and down his cock slowly until he'd finished coming.

Edward absently moved his hand down to massage his scrotum as the last of his orgasm left behind a sated numbness. His hand stilled after a moment and he remained with his arm over his eyes until his breathing had evened out, his skin had cooled down and his head was no longer swirling with images of Alphonse's naked, prone body.

He started to work his jaw as he lay there, not sure if he should be angry at himself or ashamed for the fact that –for the first time ever- he'd jerked off to thoughts of Alphonse. In all the months they'd been sleeping together, never once had he masturbated to Alphonse, in fact, he had avoided masturbation and settled for sex whenever it happened.

He'd never wanted to be okay with sexualizing Alphonse mentally in order to gratify himself…

…but with a deep inhale to calm down, Edward told himself that he shouldn't feel bad or be ashamed, not after Alphonse's scathing words to him recently.

It had never been clearer to him than after hearing that, he could no longer even deny knowing it, Alphonse wanted to be desired sexually by him, so Edward chose that moment to force himself to stop the self-loathing and second guessing bullshit and just get over it.

He finally removed his arm from his face and glanced down at himself to double check that all of his ejaculate had landed on his stomach and chest, when he confirmed he hadn't messed the sheets he moved to get up carefully, figuring in a quick shower before he laid down and waiting for sleep to hopefully come.

He really hoped that after releasing that small amount of frustration, he might fall asleep easier.

Edward sighed as he sat up,

_'Learn from your mistakes, you're in this mess because you couldn't fully commit to a romantic relationship with Alphonse after promising that you would…'_  he got off the bed and made his way across the room,  _'…there's no more room for regret and resentment, what's done is done…all that's left to do now…is beg for Alphonse's forgiveness and except whatever he wants from me, whether it's as a brother or a lover.'_

He closed himself into the bathroom.

* * *

The next day Edward decided he would leave the hotel without paying for another night, he had his mind set on going home and asking his brother to forgive him for everything he'd done wrong and ask what he could do to make it right.

And this time when he said anything, he'd try to mean it like Alphonse wanted him to.

But first, he needed to get Gracia Hughes a birthday present.

He'd forgotten about the party, which didn't surprise him because of the chaos of his thoughts recently, but seeing the little girl –Amy- the day before had made him think of Elysia and in turn, reminded him of the party, but he still hadn't thought of anything to get her.

So when Edward woke that morning without a headache and with his thoughts more organized, he devised a clever plan to get a gift idea. He'd dressed in his two day old clothes –creased but not smelling bad- but he felt okay because his skin was freshly washed, his hair and teeth were clean and so was his underwear.

He was feeling something similar to positivity about his intentions toward fixing things with Alphonse but he didn't want to get his hopes up too much, after all, Al could still choose not to forgive him.

The thought of being renounced by his brother made his entire body cold…so he tried not to think about it which was hard since Edward had always been a cynical guy.

Downstairs in the hotel lobby he made his way to the phone stalls and stood in one for a while, considering whether or not he should call Alphonse. He'd been so worried when he hadn't heard from his younger brother and now he was doing the same thing by not calling, worrying Alphonse.

_'But is he worried about me?'_  Edward wondered miserably, Alphonse had told him to get out of the apartment that one time, what was to say he hadn't been happy when Ed left this time?

Disliking that he was being a coward but unable to help it right then, Edward picked up the handset and dialed a familiar number that wasn't the one to the apartment building he lived in. He leaned against the side of the booth as he waited, one arm crossed over his chest, and listened to the phone ring, he was fully expecting to hear Riza's professional voice on the phone since that's who he was calling to speak to and ask for a gift idea for Gracia…

…but when a man answered, a familiar man, with an abrupt statement of 'desk of Major Hawkeye', Edward made an annoyed face and closed his eyes,

"What the hell, did they demote you to Hawkeye's secretary?" he effortlessly started into mocking Mustang.

There was a pause on the line and Edward wondered if Mustang didn't recognize his voice but then there came a response,

- _"Major Hawkeye has the day off Edward and I happened to be passing her desk, were you calling to speak with me?"_  Roy asked in such a professional voice that Edward blinked stupidly at the opposite side of the booth,

"…eh…uh…" he frowned, "…no I wasn't, but I guess," he sighed in defeat, "I guess you could help."

The response came immediately,

_-"If you need to talk about something you can either come and see me at work when I'm free during my lunch hour or I could meet you for lunch. I have work to do so I don't have time for social phone calls."_  His tone didn't change.

Edward entertained the idea that this was Mustang trying to worm a lunch date out of him as a follow up to the last time they went out, but his voice didn't sound suggestive.

Edward made a quick decision, figuring Roy would definitely know a thing or two about buying a gift for a woman.

"Alright, I'll come and see you at work," it was neutral, safe ground, "what time is your lunch break?" he mumbled grudgingly.

_-"1 PM, I'll be in my office."_  Mustang said shortly and hung up.

Edward narrowed his eyes and pulled the handset from his ear to glare at it and then he slammed it down on the hook,

"Bastard…" Ed grumbled, feeling oddly upset about being hung up on, on such a sour note,  _'…he can't be pissed at me for that night, can he? That isn't like him.'_  he frowned at the phone in confusion.

It felt unsettling how he seemed to be making bad blood with the people closest to him. First Winry and Pinako, then Alphonse, now Mustang…slowly but surely it felt like Edward was losing the people he cared about and loved and it was eating away at the familiar gaping hole in his heart that having lost alchemy had originally created.

Feeling dread creeping up his spine he pushed past his cowardice and picked up the phone again, quickly dialing the number for the apartment building he lived in. It rang a few times and he sighed twice before the call was answered. The woman who answered spoke pleasantly, asking who was calling,

"Edward Elric, uh-…"

She cut him off with a pleasant hello and asked how he was doing, Edward realized she knew who he was which meant she was one of the more permanent building staff workers. He decided to take advantage of the fact that she knew him and probably Alphonse,

"I'm okay thanks, I'm kind of in a hurry…" he lied, "…could you tell me if you've seen my brother, Alphonse, lately? I haven't been at home in a few days." He kept his voice polite and hopeful.

She 'um'd' a few times and then said that she thought he was fine because he had a visitor who had arrived about a half hour earlier. Edward felt himself turn cold as he asked if she knew who the visitor was. He waited as she checked the sign-in book and then his insides clenched up when she told him who it was.

Elizabeth Dunn.

He quickly forced out a 'thanks' to the woman and when she asked if he wanted to leave a message Edward shook his head miserably as he told her that 'it's fine, I just wanted to know if he's okay' and then he hung up, the hole in his heart slowly getting bigger.

He decided –as he took a few calming breaths and told himself not to cry in a public phone booth- that if Alphonse was having Elizabeth over to visit, that he was probably fine, more than fine actually.

After a minute of getting himself together he finally left the phone booth with his hands stuck deep in his pockets and his shoulders very tense.

He felt pathetic and alone…he was hurting deeply…but he knew he only had himself to blame.

Edward glanced at the large clock in the hotel lobby and saw that he had an hour or so to kill before meeting Mustang –which he was also dreading after talking to him on the phone-, so he left the hotel and decided he'd get some lunch before his ulcer started up again and made everything he was already suffering through much worse.

* * *

1 PM found Edward walking into the outer office of General Roy Mustang's administration to find it completely empty. There was a desk fan blowing up some papers on Riza's desk, empty mugs were on Havoc's and Breda's desk and then there was Fuery's chair pushed far out from the desk as though he'd rushed out.

Ed swallowed thickly and turned his gaze to the double doors across the room before he closed the outer doors and walked forward. Edward knocked on the doors, something he felt compelled to do since he no longer worked there and after what had happened on the phone, and he didn't wait even a second before Mustang announced an audible but distracted 'come in.'

Ignoring the heavy anxiety in his entire body, Edward opened the door and walked in. As per usual Mustang glanced up at him and then went back to whatever he was doing. This time though there was no tray with coffee or tea predicting Ed's arrival and the atmosphere felt uncomfortable.

Edward wished it didn't have to be that way, he'd just been starting to enjoy Mustang's company as a friend and now everything was turning to shit. He could only wonder why everything in his life seemed to do that.

"Where is everyone?" he asked in a quieter voice than he would have liked and Mustang glanced at him with a slight crease between his eyebrows before he answered,

"I gave them an extra hour on their lunch break; they've been working late with me every day so I thought they deserved it." He answered, eyes back on his papers.

Edward remained where he was near the door,

"Ah okay, well…" he cleared his throat and leaned against the door, "…I'll be quick, since you're busy." He watched as Mustang once again glanced at him and then the older man dropped his writing utensil on the desk with a soft 'clack' and leaned back in his chair before he raised his eyebrows expectantly.

Ed felt offended by Roy's aloof attitude toward him and he didn't like that it bothered him, with a quiet huff he chalked it up to being just because everything was going so badly lately and he moved past it, looking to the side of the office and easing his face into an indifferent expression,

"I was going to ask Hawkeye for suggestions of what I could buy Gracia for her birthday. I don't have much experience with that sort of thing." He admitted, "But you said she's not in, so if you could help I'd appreciate it." He spoke evenly as Mustang listened and watched him.

The older man took a deep breath, his eyes lowering to his desk and he looked contemplative for a full minute as Ed stood silently waiting. Then Roy leaned his elbows on the armrests of his chair and tapped his chin as he spoke, now looking at Edward,

"Since it's a gift for Gracia and you're sort of like a son to her and a big brother to her daughter, I'd say you could buy her a necklace or bracelet, it'd go nicely as well if you got a matching one for Elysia." he smiled fondly for whatever reason, "As a man with no sisters and very little  _typical_ female influence in your adult life, you probably don't know that jewelry is the best gift for  **all**  women, varying only depending on how it's given, who and what it's for."

Edward frowned slightly and brushed his bangs behind his ear on one side,

"Yeah, I kinda thought jewelry was strictly for girlfriends." He mumbled and crossed his arms over chest.

Roy smirked again,

"Diamonds and gold of excessive value on any piece of jewelry are for women before marriage, they won't even care as long as it's expensive enough." he smirked, "However, when giving a gift to a family member, like a mother, sister or a wife, something personalized and sentimental goes a longer way than just the price of it." He finished.

Edward nodded as he thought it over, it sounded simple enough,

"Okay, so like…matching bracelets with engravings of their names or charms or something?"

Mustang nodded slowly,

"That sounds perfect…what's Alphonse getting?" the older man enquired innocently and Edward tried his best not to be too obvious about the dull ache of misery that coursed through him,

"I…I uh, I don't, I don't know, what about you?" he changed the subject quickly and leaned his weight fully on the door.

Mustang grinned,

"All expenses paid weekend at a luxury spa for her and Elysia…" his grin turned a little sad, "…I hope Gracia won't mind. It was what Maes used to get for her on her birthday long before Elysia was born. Now that Elysia is old enough to appreciate manicures, pedicures and all the like, I figured it would make a nice gift for them." Mustang sounded so sincere Ed had to smile.

"That sounds great, I'm sure they'll both love it." He paused and a thought occurred to him, "Gracia's like…she's like your sister-in-law, huh?" Edward didn't know why he asked, maybe because he wanted to know if Roy had known what it felt like to have a brother in Maes Hughes. Roy nodded,

"Yes I suppose she is…" he said quietly, "…and I do like being an uncle." He chuckled lightly, smiling fondly.

Edward had a memory from long ago, the previous year and he suddenly felt like he needed to apologize,

"I'm sorry about what I said that time, when we were at Gracia's and…I accused you of…trying to…"  _'…get into Gracia's pants.'_ he trailed off into his thoughts and looked at Mustang awkwardly.

He didn't seem to know what Edward was talking about so the blonde just shook his head and waved his hand before he pushed off the door and turned to leave, settling his hand on the door handle,

"Thanks for the idea." He said audibly.

"Edward." Mustang sighed and Ed stopped and looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

Roy pushed his chair back and stood up, as he came around his desk Edward took his hand off the handle,

"Is this about the other night?" the older man asked as he walked closer but stopped a good few meters away.

Edward frowned and shook his head,

"What do you mean 'this'?" he asked, not understanding.

Mustang blinked lazily,

"You're standing at my office door like you're ready to run away." He pointed out blandly.

Edward frowned irritably,

"I'm not going to run away," he scoffed, "you said you were busy on the phone so I figured I wouldn't get comfortable, just asked what I needed to and get going."

"Since when has my being busy ever stopped you from getting comfortable?"

"Since…since you're going to be Fuhrer and when you say you're busy I actually  **believe**  you." Edward lied with a reasonably straight face, not wanting to tell the older man the real reason was because he was offended by their abrupt telephone conversation.

Mustang didn't look convinced but he didn't press the matter,

"Well I _was_  busy when you called. I had two other Brigadier Generals waiting in the office for me to sit down and finalize a briefing for some soldiers being deployed in a few days." He said dismissively, waving his hand slightly and took a few casual steps closer, his tone was conversational, "But now it's just paper work." He made a face.

Edward felt slightly relieved at that explanation, it meant Roy had been talking like that because he'd been in military company. He still didn't like that it made him feel better to know he wasn't been brushed off, but he reminded himself that he was only human and he was going through a hard time, it was no big deal and Mustang was a friend.

_'Ugh…'_  he never imagined himself seeking people's company like this,  _'…I really am pathetic without Alphonse.'_

He stuffed his hand into his pocket, taking absent notice that Mustang hadn't attempted to apologize for the other night, even though he'd brought up, which made Ed think the older man remembered everything that happened, including Ed telling him  _not_  to apologize.

But that would mean Mustang hadn't been joking and that made Edward's skin crawl in that weird way again.

"What's that?" Mustang asked and Edward blinked from him to the shopping bag he'd completely forgotten he was carrying. He felt awkward all of a sudden,

"Just…uh, clothes." He mumbled and clutched the bag handles tighter. He hadn't wanted to think about the fact that he'd bought a change of clothes and underwear for Gracia's party after hearing Al had Elizabeth visiting him, his determination to go home had withered so quickly.

He'd changed his mind and decided he'd go back to the hotel that night after all, so he'd used the hour before meeting Mustang to buy a change of clothes.

Roy smirked,

"Did you buy a new outfit for the party, Edward? How feminine of you…" he had walked closer, he was only just about a foot away and was obviously trying to get a rise out of Edward but he didn't react, everything inside of him was so empty and closed off that their proximity didn't even phase him,

"Yeah, I guess." He mumbled, "Anyway, I should go…"

"Ed…" Roy's tone was questioning and Edward looked at him expectantly, "…why do you smell of hotel shampoo?"

The question was asked so straightforwardly Edward knew he probably looked guilty and startled when he shot back,

"What are you talking about?" he snapped uncomfortably, despising that if anyone could identify the common shampoo used in most hotels across Amestris it was probably Roy fucking Mustang.

"You reek of it, it's not as subtle as whatever you usually use." He mumbled the last part.

Edward looked at him warily; he blinked a few times as he started to frown,

"You…you know what my hair  _smells_  like?"

Mustang blinked very thoughtfully and raised his shoulders a bit before he blatantly changed the subject and shrugged,

"Did you sleep in a hotel last night?" Edward didn't get a chance to respond, Mustang's sharp mind was starting to work and his dark eyes narrowed, "Hotel products, damp hair, bags under your eyes, creased clothes and…you have a change of clothes in there I assume?" he halfheartedly gestured to the bag.

Edward clenched his jaw before he opened his mouth to speak but Roy cut him off again with a quiet sigh,

"Let me guess, it's not my business, right. I guess that's fair…" he raised a thin eyebrow, "…anyway I know that only one person could successfully evict you from your own apartment, and that would be your younger brother. I suppose this means you and Alphonse had a fight." he smiled sympathetically,

Edward thought about saying something rude, walking out or just changing the subject himself, but he was emotionally exhausted…so he just gave in and nodded, not seeing a point in denying the obvious, even if Mustang didn't know the full story.

The older man tilted his head in the direction of his bookshelf where there was a cabinet built in,

"Drink?" he offered and Ed shook his head quickly,

"No thanks, I got…I got drunk the other night in the hotel and suffered for it the next day." He slumped back against the door tiredly. Thinking something he never thought he would,

_'At least I still have Mustang.'_

Said man frowned and looked concerned instead of fondly amused now,

"Edward, how long have you been staying at a hotel?" he asked seriously.

The blonde avoided eye contact,

"Uh, two nights…so far…and tonight, I guess, as well." He couldn't even muster up enough energy to feel irritated with Roy's concerned expression.

Roy looked at him with a thoughtful frown,

"Surely it can't be so bad between the two of you that you can't go home?"

Mustang was right; Edward knew he could go home. Edward knew he hadn't been 'evicted' from his own apartment, Edward knew the only reason he was staying in a hotel was because he was hurt and scared that his life was falling apart and he didn't want to risk having that confirmed by going home so that Alphonse could tell him…

…that he was leaving him.

Edward felt his face contort into a distinctly miserable expression and he watched as Roy's face changed to that strange affectionate concern. The blonde lowered his gaze and didn't stop himself from admitting, his voice an emotional rasp,

"…I…I don't  **want**  to go home. I just keep fucking up…"

* * *

That was how he ended up sitting on Roy Mustang's couch in the older man's bachelor apartment with a cup of expensive –oh so good- coffee in his hands and a pillow and blanket folded and set beside him on the three seater that lined the wall beneath an ugly painting that Roy called 'art'.

Mustang was sitting with his own cup of coffee in hand, settled in a single seat couch that Edward assumed he sat in most of the time since he looked very comfortable there. He'd taken his military jacket off so he only wore his white button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up and his uniform pants and boots. It wasn't too late, just after 6 PM, Roy had left work earlier than usual and Edward –having been given the offer to spend the night on his couch- couldn't for the life of him figure out why he'd accepted.

"I can't believe I'm here…" he groaned aloud and set his coffee down on the coaster set atop the expensive coffee table, "…never in a million fucking years did I see myself sleeping on  _your_ couch." He grouched.

Mustang chuckled,

"Don't feel too bad, I've had a few male friends over the years spend the night on that couch for different reasons, everything from being too drunk to go home to the usual marital or girlfriend problems. In your case, we'll call it a marital disagreement…" he teased with a rakish grin on his face but it wasn't funny.

So not funny.

Edward felt very sick all of a sudden, Roy had no idea how right he was.

"Lighten up, Ed…" Mustang sighed and leaned forward, setting his own coffee down, "…I know you well enough to guess that whatever happened, you're most likely blaming it on yourself." He smirked just a bit again, " **And**  I know you well enough to know it probably is your fault…" he joked again and Edward felt himself pale and placed his head in his hands.

"…just shut up." He sighed in a pathetic weak voice, feeling like a hand was squeezing his heart.

There was silence for a moment and when Mustang spoke again he sounded like he finally understood that the situation was severe,  
"I can't offer any advice because I don't know what's going on, but I can offer you my couch for as long as you need it." He said sincerely.

Edward dragged his hands down his face and looked at Mustang,

"Thanks." He said into his hands where they settled over his mouth and then he moved them and forced a smile, trying to remove the tension he'd created, "What's it gonna cost me?" he asked jokingly but then wondered if he'd just given Roy ammo to flirt with him.

He  **did**   **not**  need a fucking repeat of the other night.

He tensed ever so slightly when Mustang laughed quietly,

"It's probably going to cost  **me**  with the way you eat…" he said with an odd look on his face, "…there is one thing though." He said a bit more seriously and Edward frowned, anxiousness building by the second,

"What?" he was starting to think the hotel was still his best accommodation option.

"There's only one bathroom and it's an en-suite." He said without a hint of teasing, completely straight-faced.

Edward picked his coffee up and sipped it because his mouth had gone slightly dry,  
"That's, uh…it's fine, I'll try and stay out of the bathroom when you're here." He said it quietly and immediately asked himself just how fucking long he intended to stay there, "I might just go home tomorrow or something anyway, so I won't get in your way…" he cleared his throat and sipped more coffee.

Mustang wasn't laughing or anything, he looked serious still and Edward expected the topic of conversation before it came up,

"It's not about me, I think…Edward I think that I made you uncomfortable that night we went out and it  _wasn't_ my intention." His voice was apologetic now, "I just don't want you to think my offering for you to stay here is related to what happened that night." He said evenly.

Edward tapped his fingers along the sides of the warm mug as he sat with his elbows on his knees; he looked at Roy seriously, assuming this was the best chance he'd get to clarify for himself just what had  _happened_ ,

"So you were just fucking around right, drunken humor gone too far?" he quirked an eyebrow briefly.

There was a heavy silence in which they stared at each other and Edward cursed himself very colorfully for asking because Roy looked  **so**  serious and worried. The older man sipped his coffee and when he removed the mug from his lips he averted his gaze away from Edward, said blonde felt his stomach knot up instantly,

"No." Roy said plainly, "I think I was being serious."

Edward's stomach went from tense to hollow as it bottomed out, his muscles tightened up with anxiousness painfully and he was gripping the mug in his hands tightly. His expression must have been scary because Mustang hastily explained,

"I say 'I think' because…well, I know that I am…attracted to you in a sense," he stared at his coffee and Ed's eye twitched, "but I have, as far as I know, always been heterosexual so I wasn't taking it seriously." He sounded a little uncomfortable, starting to talk faster and Edward felt nauseous and stressed. "But the night we went out I seemed to have forgotten that when my inhibitions were lowered, which revealed to me…th-that what I assumed to be some sort of emotional attraction to you, might also be…physical and I-…"

"I don't want to hear it." Edward cut him off, his voice strained and face tense with pain that he hoped Roy would mistake for severe discomfort.

He couldn't listen to Mustang telling him something he didn't want to hear, something he wasn't emotionally strong enough to handle right then, not when he had to sleep on his couch and share a bathroom with him for that night,

"Can we, c-can we just…pretend like you didn't just say  **any**  of that?" he wasn't looking at Mustang, couldn't look at him, he was breathing slightly heavier, stress wiring itself into his muscles as he awaited a response, probably looking like he'd seen a homunculus for how cold his face was.

"Yes, of course, if that's what you want Edward." Mustang answered evenly.

They sat in silence for a few minutes and then Edward decided that he needed to say something, the quiet was becoming oppressive and his ears were starting to ring. Mustang was all he had until he could find out whether Alphonse still wanted to be a part of his life, he needed at least one friend, just for now,

"So I, uh…I created an array that can channel electricity." He said with a forced smile, he hesitantly met Roy's eyes and changed the subject to something completely neutral.

Roy forced a smile right back,  
"Do you mean controllable electricity, that's not been done before."

Edward put his coffee down and shifted to sit back, trying to make himself relax,

"Yeah, it'd be similar to fire alchemy except it uses the human form as a conductor and is not nearly as precise," he swallowed uncomfortably since Roy was staring at him with an unreadable expression, "I can't test it but it's a sound equation. And if I worked on it some more, I could probably get it to work like your alchemy." He finished almost sadly.

Then Roy smiled at him genuinely, affectionately and he felt even shitter than he had before,

"I don't doubt that you could, Edward. After all, you are a brilliant alchemist."

* * *

Sleeping on Roy's couch hadn't been so bad and even sharing a bathroom was okay.

Since the confession the night before of things Edward could have lived many lifetimes without ever knowing, things were just a bit awkward –for him at least- but for the most part Mustang was behaving like his usual self and Edward found it was good enough to get by with.

The occasional affectionate smile from Roy was far better than scorned looks from Alphonse or Winry.

Edward had showered and cleaned himself up after Roy had left for work that Friday morning and then he'd dressed in his new change of clothes which he'd wear throughout the day and to the party, until the time came to find out his fate from his younger brother.

He was fearful and nervous about the conversation – or argument- they would have to have to sort things out, about what other feelings it might reveal Alphonse was harboring, but he continued to try and think positively about the outcome.

If he didn't, his pain and emptiness would start to eat him from the inside out.

Edward made himself a small breakfast after he'd dressed and then he'd washed the dishes as a common courtesy to his unlikely host, before he settled himself down on the couch with a pile of Roy Mustang's books on alchemy that he hadn't read before.

As it often did, his reading had taken him through many hours of the day, getting lost in alchemy was one of the few things Edward could do to keep out  **all**  of his emotional demons.

His mind would shut off everything else and he'd be able to focus on only what he was absorbing.

When it was almost 3 PM, as Roy had said he would, he returned to his apartment and Edward had to blink burning eyes at him when he was tapped on the shoulder, having not heard the other man return or speak to him.

After taking a minute to freshen up in the bathroom after the day spent on the couch, Edward was just left to wait as Mustang changed into other clothes for the party and freshened up as well. And Ed quickly started to feel nervous and nauseous about seeing Alphonse now that he didn't have a book to distract him. He didn't doubt that his sibling would attend the party, Gracia meant a lot to both of them, they wouldn't let her down.

Alphonse would definitely be there.

He looked over himself absently, he'd purchased standard black jeans and a black button down shirt the day before, it would go fine with his leather boots, like it always did. Then he glanced at the couch seat beside him where Gracia and Elysia's gift sat wrapped in shiny silver paper with cursive 'happy birthdays' printed on it in dark purple. He'd spent the previous afternoon –while waiting for Roy to get off work- looking for a nice set of matching mother, daughter charm gold bracelets.

He would really like to have made them himself…

Edward blinked slowly, his eyes burning just slightly and he looked around himself.

He was sitting in Roy Mustang's apartment, it was a neat spacious bachelor flat with an open plan lay out, clean white walls and sharply contrasting black furnishing and décor.

But why and how the fuck did he end up there…?

_'How did it get this bad, why does everything fall apart so_ _ **quickly**_ _but it takes years and years and so much pain and suffering to make it right again?'_  he wondered distantly, achingly.

Years ago they'd nearly died over and over again trying to get back to each other in the flesh.

Months ago they'd been the closest two brothers in existence.

Weeks ago they'd shared a bed and their bodies and they'd said 'I love you' and meant it many ways.

Days ago he and Alphonse had shared laughter and felt like brothers again.

Now they were broken, separated and severed and miserable…and they weren't lovers and hardly felt like brothers anymore...and  **nothing**  was okay and everything hurt…

Now there was Elizabeth Dunn and Roy Mustang in the middle of _everything_  that was fucked up already…and Edward didn't want it to be that way. He could deal with them both, he could accept Elizabeth in Alphonse's life no matter how much it hurt and he could be good friends with Roy even if it'd always be a little weird between them…

…he could do it…but only as long as Alphonse didn't leave him.

"You ready to go?" Mustang asked from the doorway to his bedroom as he stepped out.

Edward looked over at him, he was decked out in black pants that fit him just the same as the others had, really well. He wore it with a deep blue formal shirt, black dress shoes and his hair wasn't styled like it had been the other night but it still looked good.

Roy looked good.

Edward stood up slowly, tiredly, with the gift in hand and pushed his long ponytail off his shoulder,  
"Yeah, I guess." He mumbled and walked toward the door as Roy led the way.

When they stepped out and the older man was locking his door he asked quietly,

"Are you worried about seeing Alphonse there?"

Edward was staring at the hallway floor, his body felt weak and he was riddled with anxiety, he felt scared and he wasn't used to it,

"Yeah…I think…I think he might… _hate_  me." he heard the crack of emotion in his voice.

Mustang put a firm, warm hand on the back of his neck,

"Alphonse could  **never**  hate you, you could kill every kitten on the face of the planet and your brother would still adore you." He said surely. Edward could hear the smile in his voice despite not looking at him.

He raised his head and turned to look at Mustang standing at his side, Roy's chest was just a few centimeters from touching Ed's shoulder and their heights were only slightly different…their faces just about as close as they had been a few nights before. Edward could smell his cologne again, he could smell his shampoo and something that was vanilla scented.

Edward liked vanilla, it relaxed him.

He inhaled quietly and lowered his eyes from Mustang's to look over his face, his insides were still knotted up but somewhere in all of that his human need for comfort was making the tiniest flutter of butterflies flare up from the warmth, smell and closeness of Mustang.

Edward hadn't had sex without restraint in almost two years, not since his first year in Creta, before Winry, before Alphonse. And every time he'd been with Alphonse he'd given himself rules to follow, do's and don'ts, yes's and no's…sex had been stressful and guilt ridden…amazing at times but also morally abominable.

He had never been good with rules but with Alphonse he'd forced himself to stay in check…and now he regretted it, because his younger brother had wanted  **love**  and  **sex**. In the end Edward had complicated something so simple…

He swallowed thickly when Roy said his name quietly and asked if he was okay, the hand on his neck moving to hold his shoulder, Roy was close enough that Ed could smell the toothpaste on his breath when he spoke. He sighed at the questioning look on Mustang's face and he seriously considered everything that was going on in his life right then.

He considered Alphonse's words from three days earlier and whether he really believed there was a chance that Al would forgive him…and what that might mean for their relationship, would it really be over or not.

Because if every single part of him believed Alphonse would reject him and hate him, then he saw nothing wrong with giving up…

…maybe he'd rejoin the military on active field duty.

…maybe he'd marry Winry and give her many children.

…maybe he'd become an alcoholic and spend all his nights in hotels.

…maybe he'd hook up with Kimberly and end up regretting it.

…maybe he'd sleep with Roy Mustang and end up insane.

…or maybe he'd just do everyone a favor and kill himself.

_'I'm being dramatic again, Al would tell me that…he'd sigh and roll his eyes at me, then tell me how much of a drama queen I can be. Then he'd tell me that for someone so smart I'm really impressively stupid sometimes…and he'd laugh and he'd be right...'_  Edward managed the smallest of smiles when he could almost hear Al's exasperated voice and his good-natured laughter, he saw Mustang smile slightly, confused.

Edward blinked slowly as he felt a flicker of hope course through him, hope that things could be right again between him and his brother. That small feeling was enough to decide for him…that if Alphonse wanted him as a brother…or a lover, then he would continue to do his best.

If Alphonse was with him, Edward could get through anything.

Edward's smile faded and he turned away from Mustang before he started walking down the corridor,

"I'm fine, just tired Mustang, let's go."

Edward immediately started to think of what he was going to say to Alphonse when he saw him…

…and something told him that no matter what came afterward, his first words would be 'I love you.'

* * *

After a twenty minute drive without conversation, Edward and Roy finally arrived at Gracia's apartment.

It was only once they were outside the door and it was 15 minutes past four that Edward stopped with his hand raised to knock and looked at Mustang, the older man raised his eyebrows,

"I meant to ask," Edward lowered his hand slightly, "how do you feel about this guy, uh, Jackson, that Gracia is seeing, you think he's good enough." he had no idea why he asked, probably to stall having to knock.

Mustang looked a bit resigned,

"He's a little too talkative and overly happy all the time but then again, people used to say the same thing about Maes." He snorted.

Edward smirked and they both shrugged before he was forced to knock on the door, he waited a moment, listening to the silence on the other side before it was unlocked and opened by Jackson who smiled at them,

"You're late guys, come in…" he pulled the door open, looking like an excited child and they walked into the apartment filled with more people than Ed had expected.

He didn't look around, feeling a little trapped and even more anxious now, instead he paid attention to what Jackson was saying, "…Gracia will be here really soon, she thinks I won't be home when she gets back from fetching Elysia from choir practice, so we're all going to surprise her when she walks in." he said grinning and ushering them further into the small crowd.

Jackson closed the door after them and Mustang leaned over to him as they moved to a wall where smiling people were lined up,

"Ingenious." He mumbled quietly and sarcastically.

Edward managed a tiny distracted smirk at the jibe and stopped at a space where some people had made room for them to stand, Mustang greeted the people, Ed ignored them.

He took that moment to look around the crowded living room –he hadn't known Gracia knew so many people- and he tried to spot Alphonse… and when he did he had to lean back against the wall because his legs turned to jelly.

Alphonse was standing on the opposite side of Gracia's lounge behind a couch among other people, he looked handsome but still sickly, and he was wearing full black just like Edward. Elizabeth was with him too –that fucking hurt Ed about as much as getting stabbed in the stomach did- and she looked really beautiful…

…but the  **worst** part was that Al was glaring straight at him from across the room…with a dirty look that was so sincere Edward wanted to shrink into the wall and disappear.

He clenched his hands when he felt the slightest tremor pass through him, his anxiety winding up at twice the force and his previous hope dwindling quickly. Then there was a hand on his shoulder –Roy's hand no doubt intended to be comforting- and Edward felt himself tense under the touch because Al's lips turned down in disgust as though the gesture from the older man sickened him.

Like a cold slap, the memory flashed through his mind,

_'He asked if I had kissed Mustang?'_  Edward was vaguely aware of everyone shushing each other,  _'Does Alphonse think that I'm_ _ **with**_ _Mustang?'_  he frowned at his brother, wondering if Al could see how much he was hurting right then.

Alphonse looked away, face sour and unhappy, his gaze settled on someone and Edward followed it.

Edward barely felt Mustang's hand slide off his shoulder because his eyes had fallen on  **Winry** , she was standing not too far from Al…standing close beside a young guy who she was openly holding hands with…

…and when her gaze drifted and locked with his…she smiled awkwardly and waved with her fingers. Edward absently raised his hand in a weak attempt at a wave before he forced himself to look away from her face.

Edward's eyes settled on the floor, he took a long slow breath and instead of wondering why Winry was in Central, who the man holding her hand was, why Al seemed to suspect Ed was involved with Roy and focusing on being hurt that Al had brought Elizabeth to the party, he chose to deal with one thing at a time.

He clenched his fists when there was an exclamation of 'surprise!' loud enough to hurt his ears and Edward raised his eyes and smiled slightly when he saw the look of happy surprise on Gracia and Elysia's faces.

As everyone moved forward to share greetings and birthday wishes with the guest of honor, his eyes drifted back to Alphonse, who had moved forward as well and was waiting to greet with a bright smile on his face.

Edward watched as Elizabeth said something to Alphonse, smiling brightly as well and his younger brother nodded in agreement of whatever was said. And when Al stepped up to greet Gracia, Edward watched as they exchanged a hug, smiles and words and then Gracia's attention turned to Elizabeth…

There was no other way to look at it, Elizabeth would be assumed by everyone at the party to be Alphonse's girlfriend and for all Edward knew, maybe she was and maybe Al would introduce her as such.

He took one last long look at his younger brother's smiling face and slowly he smiled as well, but his own smile was empty. He'd had every intention of trying and trying again to sort things out between himself and Alphonse but right then he decided that he shouldn't, for once Edward didn't think it was in his power to make Al happy…it felt like it was out of his hands.

He'd already failed so many times before…

_'I have to let him go,_ ' he noticed that the space around Gracia was less crowded and pushed himself off the wall, ignoring the weak feeling in his legs and heaviness in his heart, he made his way over to say happy birthday, flashing his best fake grin when she spotted him-,  _'if Alphonse still wants me in his life he'll tell me, he'll come to me, but until then…'_

…until then he’d suffer in silence.


	11. Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks - to Vienna Wood for editing this chapter, your assistance is appreciated and also for the song recommendation for this chapter.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Linkin Park

 

 

_Something has been taken from deep inside of me_   
_The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see_

_Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back_   
_And never moving forward so there'd never be a past_

_If I could change I would take back the pain I would_   
_Retrace every wrong move that I made I would_   
_If I could stand up and take the blame I would_   
_If I could take all the shame to the grave I would_

_It's easier to run_   
_Replacing this pain with something numb_   
_It's so much easier to go_   
_Than face all this pain here all alone_

_Just washing it aside_   
_All of the helplessness inside_   
_Pretending I don't feel misplaced_   
_It's so much simpler than change_

* * *

 

Alphonse had spent the better part of Friday morning in a medicated slumber.

Presently it was just past noon and he was apathetically looking through the birthday cards on display.

Most of them were either too sappy or too inappropriately funny for him to give to Gracia, but he'd managed to find a section in the selection that seemed more neutral with simple well birthday wishes and some attractive imagery on the card front.

He sighed absently as he finally picked one out of the three he held in hand and not really caring about much right then, Alphonse dropped the other two into a random slot before walking away and around the shelf to look at a few of the novelty birthday presents displayed throughout the gift shop.

He wandered around listlessly, looking at the glass ornaments, trinkets, picture frames, accessories, books, heart balloons, adult gifts, humorous gifts, masks, costumes…

Alphonse sighed and half rolled his eyes before he walked through the highly decorated store to the cash point, he wasn't going to find a decent gift for Gracia in a store like that, he didn't feel too bad to admit to himself that he'd been hoping to though. He wanted it to be over with, the shopping excursion, he just wanted to go back home and lay around uselessly as much as possible until the party later that day.

That morning when he'd woken from a long sleep the first thing he'd done was take his anxiety meds…a double dose, since he had a few left from what Elizabeth had given him and from his own prescription written for him the previous day. He knew he shouldn't have taken two, he knew he was being irresponsible because he'd barely eaten anything that morning, he knew it was the reason he was feeling sleepy and like he was walking on soft and uneven ground…

…hell, he knew he probably shouldn't be out in public when he was so medicated, but Alphonse knew a lot of things, that had never really made a difference to his decisions.

He'd once known it was a bad idea to try and resurrect the dead, he'd also known it was absolutely wrong to want to fuck his own brother and then force him into agreeing to it, and he knew he shouldn't have invited Elizabeth as his date to a sort of family and friend gathering when he didn't even like her that way…knowing those things hadn't stopped him.

He paid for the birthday card and a pretty envelope and then waited as it was packaged for him before he left the store and stepped into the warm air of Central. Alphonse rubbed at his cheek, his skin felt uncomfortable on him, even if that didn't make sense to him that was how it felt and he put it down to the mixture of anxiety meds.

Taking one type was enough without mixing it with another type, it was self-negligent…so fucking unlike himself, but the great part was the medication prevented him from giving an actual shit about that too.

While it did take away his pain it also made his skin prickle and itch, but he wasn't worried about a damn thing so he felt like the trade off was worth it. He was very sleepy though which made it hard to do things, he stifled a yawn right then as he started to walk along the street curb looking into the different shops in hopes that a gift idea would make itself known because he couldn't really be bothered to think of anything himself.

Except...Edward still hadn't come home, that was about all he really thought of. It didn't stress him out because he was properly high most of the time, but it did make him feel sad deep inside. He knew it was his fault, he'd said some things to Edward, things that he was rightfully disgusted with himself for.

He felt a little dizzy with the sun beating down on him so he stopped walking when he came to a bench on the sidewalk, Alphonse sat down and took a few slow breaths, trying to manage his medicated state as best as he could while being out in public. He wouldn't dare _not_  take the pills, if he did that he would be riddled with the pain, loss and pining for Edward…and all the guilt that came with it.

No, he needed the pills, he needed the hazy void that submerged all of his emotions to the point where all he felt was a soft feathery assault on him as opposed to a thousand knives and searing fire rushing through his tortured insides constantly. He needed the sunshine of the day to be dimmer so his eyes didn't ache and he needed the sounds around him to be muted so he didn't have to listen to everyone existing happily around him.

He needed Edward too, but he thought it was best to manage what was within his control first.

Once his heartbeat stopped racing and his tilting vision found even balance, Alphonse got up slowly and proceeded on down the street for another block before he came across a shop that had just the right gift for Gracia Hughes.

With a sad smile, Alphonse entered the store.

* * *

Alphonse considered his hair for two whole minutes, he just stared at it in the mirror in his bedroom.

Then he took a break from that and popped another one of his anxiety pills before he went back to contemplate whether he thought he should do anything more than just run a comb through his hair, he felt too lazy to worry over it, it was clean and dry and it looked just fine.

It was after 3 PM and Elizabeth would be there soon with her fancy driver to take them to Gracia's party. He had taken a longer than necessary bath an hour earlier and used up all the hot water while he was at it. Then he'd searched for clothes in his wardrobe and found himself not wanting to wear any of his shirts, so he ventured into Ed's bedroom. He'd found something he liked there, he was now wearing one of Edward's well-fitting long sleeve black cotton V neck shirts. Even if it smelled mostly of laundry detergent, it still held a feeling of the older blonde to Al, it was comforting in some terribly pathetic way to wear it. Still, it wasn't the whole reason he was wearing it.

Alphonse didn't have clothes like Edward did, clothes that clung to the form and showed off his brother's incredibly sexy and fit body, not because he didn't think he'd look good in it –because he  _really_  did and the mirror confirmed that for him- it was because it had always been his preference.

When he'd first gotten his body back it'd been about comfort, he'd loved his skin and hadn't liked anything clinging to it…but that was then and this was now, he'd gotten over the novelty of new skin. He wanted to look good, he wanted to feel confident…because beneath all of his suppressed emotions was an ugly personal insecurity.

The thought made him blink slowly and lick his dry lips before he reached for his hair comb.

Another good thing about the style of the shirt was that it had really long sleeves, so they covered his bruised wrists completely without the risk of slipping up since the shirt was tight and clung to his hands. He wore the shirt with a pair of black fit pleated pants, a black leather belt and a newer shinier pair of his black monk strap shoes.

He pulled the comb through his ash blonde hair a few times and when he was done he tossed the comb into his wardrobe and closed his eyes as he sighed and went over the list of things he'd had to do before leaving for the party.

He'd wrapped the birthday gift and written in the card, he'd put fresh food and water out for CookieBoots, he'd eaten something, bathed, brushed his teeth, he'd closed all the windows, he'd-…

Alphonse opened his eyes slowly when he heard a knock on the main door filter into his room,

 _'Elizabeth.'_  He inhaled sleepily and wondered whether he'd make it through the night without falling asleep as he left his bedroom and walked to the entrance hall.

He glanced down at CookieBoots who was meowing softly and rubbing himself up against the main door, he'd been doing that every so often and Alphonse couldn't think of any other reason for it except that maybe he was waiting for Edward to come home.

 _'Me too, Mr. CookieBoots…'_  He sighed and leaned over to pick the cat up but didn't hold him, he just turned around and deposited him lightly in the passage, he was absently conscious of the fact that his clothes were full black and CookieBoots shed his cinnamon and white coloured fur at a fast rate.

Just as he turned back to the door there was a second soft knock and he pulled the door open quickly, Alphonse's eyes fell on Elizabeth and he was about to say something but as his gaze drifted over her his mouth hung open for a moment.

He'd expected her to dress up…but damn.

She smiled slightly as he stared at her, she wore a fitting, straight cut dark jade green dress that was sleeveless and tied in a silken green scarf around the neck, the length of it sat few centimetres above her knees but not enough that the dress was too short, it was however…a dress.

Alphonse had not seen Elizabeth in a dress before and he was able to appreciate her thin and shapely legs, accentuated by her thin strap black stilettos. He brought his eyes back up from her dark painted toe nails and looked at her face, she wore subtle makeup but with her fair skin colouring and pitch black hair, she really didn't need much to look attractive.

"You're wearing your hair up…" he said when he realized she was waiting for him to say something. She blinked once at his choice of compliment and Alphonse averted his gaze, knowing she probably wanted him to point out how beautiful she looked, but he wasn't going to say that.

It was wrong enough that he'd invited her on some sort of a date, if he went around complimenting her too much she'd probably get the wrong idea, if she hadn't already. He stepped back from the door and opened it more for her to enter,

"Yeah, it usually gets in my way so..." She smiled as she stepped in and closed the door behind herself.

Alphonse translated that as 'I don't want to embarrass myself by fussing over it when it annoys me' and he smiled back as much as he could, it was a forced smile, the medication didn't make him happy high, it just made him so relaxed he felt slow.

He looked over her again as they stood between the lounge entrance and the main door, she looked really lovely and her hair was pinned up in the back so only some of the long straight black hair was hanging down to her shoulders around her face, it showed off the line of her smooth shoulders and the dress fit her thin feminine body appealingly. Alphonse decided then that it couldn't hurt to pay her a  _small_  compliment, especially since it looked like she'd made an effort to look so nice, so he chose his words carefully,

"You look very…lovely, Elizabeth." He kept his voice pleasant and neutral.

She beamed at him, apparently that compliment was enough and then she wiggled her eyebrows,

"And what about you, very nice, I've never seen you in a super tight shirt before." Her voice was teasing, which he always appreciated but he wondered if she was hiding behind her own insecurities with her humour.

Just like he was hiding his emotional insecurities with medication and by wearing Edward's shirt that showed off his own aesthetic physical attributes, he'd rather people stare at him for showing off his looks instead of at his empty eyes and pallid skin.

He blinked a few times drowsily,

"Yeah, thought I'd try something new." He said vaguely and then absently wrung his hands together before pointing down the hall, "I just have to grab my wallet and watch and then we can get going." He turned to start walking down the hall.

"Al?" Elizabeth stepped after him and he stopped, she placed a hand on his forearm, "You look tired, you sure you're going to be alright going out with all the medication in your system?"

He raised his eyebrows and shook his head but answered positively,

"Yeah…" he smiled at her slightly, "…I have you with me to keep me from falling down stairs or walking out in front of any cars." Alphonse didn't like saying those words, he didn't even force a smile to go with them.

Because Elizabeth was all he had now, after he'd driven Edward away from him…and it hurt to admit that.

"That's  **not**  funny." Elizabeth scolded and took her hand back to cross her arms over her chest.

"No, it's not." He agreed sombrely and she frowned, concern slipping easily into her features.

"You still haven't heard from him?" she asked quietly, just knowing what was still the problem for him.

Alphonse just shook his head and then turned and walked down the hall to fetch what he needed before they left.

He was anxious about seeing Edward, he didn't know what he'd say to his older brother, he had no idea how Edward was feeling about what had been said and done. Worse, he didn't even know if Ed was okay because he hadn't heard from him. He told himself he was sure Ed would be at the party but a part of him wasn't so sure.

Had it not been for his abrasive and cruel words to Edward before he left, Alphonse would have been angry about the double standard of not being contacted about his brother's whereabouts after Edward had chewed him out for the very same thing,

 _'But that wasn't really the issue…'_  he sighed as he put his wallet and watch in alternate pockets of his pants, he squeezed the watch in his palm tightly, feeling how the cool surface of it warmed to his skin, the gift Edward had given him for his birthday.

As he stepped toward his door he frowned because a question came to him suddenly when it dawned on Alphonse that the birthday gift he'd given Edward, the older blonde had  **never**  worn, in fact, he hadn't seen it since the day he'd given it to Edward. With a new determination in his step he walked out of his room and turned down the hall to go toward Edward's bedroom.

Alphonse pushed his brother's door open by the tips of his fingers, his stomach did a subtle flip as his eyes quickly passed over the bed just like it had earlier that day, it was still in the exact state it'd been the last time Ed was there…the last time they'd been in the bed together.

He walked to Edward's wardrobes without a second –unsettling- glance at the bed, no matter how medicated he was, some things were quick triggers that caused his brain to override the effects of the pills.

The wardrobe doors were not closed properly, which usually annoyed him but right then he just wanted to find the jacket he'd taken his time to alchemize and embed his love and appreciation for his brother into. He went through the first wardrobe hastily; it was mostly drawers so he didn't think the jacket would be there.

The second double door wardrobe was where Edward hung clothes in, so Alphonse went through the line of shirts, pants, jeans and jackets with a frown slowly working its deeper way onto his face as hurt worked its way into his feelings.

"Alphonse, it's almost 3.30, we're going to be late if we don't leave soon." Elizabeth said audibly from outside the bedroom door. He didn't respond, he'd reached the end of the row of clothes and had not come across the black leather Flamel trench coat.

He felt his hurt swell a little more pronounced in his chest, he was worried over the missing gift; he didn't want to think Edward would throw it out or get rid of it somehow, he felt like he'd start crying at even a hint of that possibility.

 _'But why would he? What reason could he_ _ **possibly**_ _have to get rid of a birthday gift, it was a present, something I made that meant so much, to show how much I admire him and love him, would Brother really…?'_  he was breathing heavier by that point and he cuffed a hand through his hair, dropping his gaze to the bottom of the wardrobe.

The floor space was only half taken up with a few pairs of shoes, but there was a large folded old blanket stuffed in the corner of the wardrobe, he frowned,

 _'Why would he put a blanket in the shoe space of his wardrobe?'_  he bit at the skin of his lip.

"Alphonse?" Elizabeth questioned and the door creaked very slightly. Al assumed she was peeking in and he continued to ignore her as he crouched down in the corner, shoving the door open with his hand flat to the wood so it hit the wall as he got down on his knees.

He felt over the blanket first in case something was folded inside, something valuable, it wasn't unlikely he supposed for Ed to try to cushion something in the folded layers and put it down there but when he felt nothing, he sniffed irritably and pulled the blanket out roughly, tossing it on the floor beside him.

He blinked slowly and let out a deep breath, scraping his teeth together harshly as his eyes fell and focused on the gift box set atop a safe that was lodged –and had been concealed- in the corner of the wardrobe.

Secrets. Edward had secrets…

He swallowed sorely, absently cursing his meds for not being strong enough to withstand the anxiety that thoughts of Edward provoked. He heard the door creak open further and the soft clack of heels on the tile followed just as he picked up the –slightly weighted- apparel box and sat back on his legs.

He placed the box on his slanting lap, sniffed again, pulled the lid off and his breath hitched when he found himself looking down at the coat…packed in exactly the way he'd refolded it for Edward that day…

…it hadn't been touched since then.

He sniffed again as his eyes burned up and he dropped the box lid on the tiles with a small clatter, then with shaking hands he grabbed the coat out of the box and fisted the leather, lifting the coat up slightly as his eyebrows drew together and upwards sadly.

"Al…" Elizabeth was standing in his peripheral and staring at him, "…is… is something wrong?" she asked quietly.

He took in a deep breath and shifted his eyes from the jacket to the safe, slowly narrowing them as his hurt feelings dulled slightly and burned low and warm as it turned into ire,

 _'What's in the safe, Edward?'_ he glared at the offending hunk of steel for a moment and then relaxed his face from his scowl and turned to look at Elizabeth,

"Ah, no…I was just looking for this jacket, I wanted to borrow it…" he lied flat out and stood up, getting his legs under him a bit unsteadily with the jacket lapels still clutched in his hands.

He had  **every**  intention of wearing the jacket and letting Edward see it, he had every intention of confronting his older brother about  _why_  he didn't like the gift, he didn't even ever  **look**  at it let alone ever wear it.

Alphonse ignored the gift box now laying in two parts and tissue wrapping on the floor as he flared the jacket out and pulled it on, it fit him well, just as he knew it would have fit Edward if he'd ever bothered to even try the fucking thing on.

"Oh wow, that's a beautiful coat…" Elizabeth came closer and Alphonse turned around to look in Edward's full length mirror, "…it's leather?" she asked and he saw her looking wide eyed and impressed via the mirror, no doubt looking over the intricate Flamel pattern –he'd taken his  **time**  to get perfect- that was tooled into the back.

"Yes, it is." He answered stiffly and he stared at his reflection.

For a moment he saw his brother in himself, they'd never looked all that much alike when you took a close look, but right then, minus the long hair and brighter gold eyes, he saw the resemblance.

 _'We're brothers after all.'_  He thought bitterly.

"We should get going. We need to get there before Gracia since it's a surprise party." He turned around and faced Elizabeth, she was blushing slightly and he raised an eyebrow, "What is it?" he asked genuinely curious as he fingered the discreet coat pockets absently.

She raised her eyebrows,

"You just…you look so different dressed like that…black tight clothes, leather…and you look a little angry." She tugged on one of the lapels of the coat gently.

 _'I look like Edward, but she doesn't see that, she's hardly seen him enough to know.'_  He wondered if anyone he saw tonight who knew his brother might have the same opinion.

He looked into Elizabeth's face, he could tell she was thinking about something to do with the two of them and he could guess what, so he stepped back and then around her before she could bring the kiss up or worse, try for another one,

"We've kept your driver waiting Elizabeth, I'm sorry." He said with fake sincerity as he left the bedroom and she followed with softly clacking heels,

"He's paid, he can't complain." She tried to joke and Al didn't humour her.

When he reached the main door he considered whether he should take another anxiety pill, but he decided against it, he'd already taken his dose for the day and he knew it'd be better if he had at least some sort of emotional capability when he faced Gracia and the other people he knew would be there.

He offered a small –slightly tense- smile to Elizabeth as he pulled the door open for her, she walked out and he took a deep breath as he followed her.

Soon he'd see Edward…the idea made him happy, sad and angry all at once.

And Alphonse started regretting not having taken another pill by the time he was in the car with Elizabeth and his head was starting to ache along with his anxiously churning stomach.

* * *

The drive to Gracia's apartment was uneventful, Elizabeth looked and sounded nervous as she talked about something he wasn't paying much attention to. He'd watched her tiredly as she fidgeted between her small purse, the very expensive bottle of wine she bought accompanied by an equally expensive bouquet of flowers and then the loose parts of her hair. He assumed she felt the same way he had when he'd gone to meet her parents, unreasonably worried about the opinion they'd have of him, she was probably experiencing that.

She knew Gracia was like family to him, she knew many people who were close friends to Al were going to be there as well and of course Edward, he could only guess she wanted to make a good impression.

 _'Like a girlfriend would.'_  He sighed inwardly as they both got out of the car outside of the apartment building.

Alphonse carried his gift in one hand leaned against his side and the bottle of wine in his other since Elizabeth was carrying her purse and the flowers.

They walked in silence up the few flights of stairs to the right floor and when they reached the door Elizabeth looked down over her dress distractedly and then flashed him a smile. He raised his eyebrows and smiled back slightly, his anxiety hadn't dulled at all during the drive over and he was just pretending to be okay because he knew he had to have his expression of wellness practiced for the entire evening.

He didn't know how convincing he was though since Elizabeth still looked worriedly at him.

With a slow quiet inhale he knocked on the door as best he could while holding the wine bottle and he didn't glance at Elizabeth as she stepped a bit closer to him so that her arm was lightly pressed into his side. There was no sound of movement inside until the latch was opened and he blinked at the loud clack of it in the silence.

Although he guessed it was just because everything seemed so slow, soft and distant for him due to the medication that the small sound seemed pronounced.

When the door opened Jackson grinned at him and then looked to Elizabeth with the same smile, but it turned into a frown when he glanced around them as if he were looking for someone else.

 _'Edward isn't here yet.'_  Alphonse surmised from the look of question on Gracia's boyfriends face,

"Come in, come in Alphonse..." the older man stepped back and gestured for them to come inside, his eyes remained on Elizabeth as they stepped inside and he held out his hand to greet her, "...I'm Jackson, nice to meet you." He said pleasantly and took the bouquet of proffered flowers to free up one of her hands.

Elizabeth took his hand and shook it lightly and briefly once they were inside,

"Elizabeth, nice to meet you too." She smiled back and Al handed the man the bottle of wine next. Alphonse would have been impressed by her extremely polite smile and tone of voice as they exchanged quick pleasantries over the impersonal gift for the general party if he wasn't more distracted by the many people crowding the living room.

"Where's your brother, you all would have been the last to arrive I think." Jackson said in a quiet voice as he closed the door and re-locked it, still smiling, as he gestured for them to head further inside toward everyone else.

Alphonse had just flashed his practiced smile at Riza Hawkeye, her boyfriend, Jean Havoc, Sheska and a few other people he recognised from Maes Hughes' former command standing in a small group before he turned his gaze back to Jackson,

"He'll be here soon, I'm sure." He said confidently even though he wasn't and at the same time his mind questioned why Roy Mustang hadn't been standing among his military friends.

Jackson just nodded and rattled off his plan for Gracia's arrival before Alphonse nodded, Elizabeth smiled and nodded and the older man patted their shoulders quickly,

"You can leave your jacket in the guest bedroom if you like, Alphonse." Jackson said finally before they were left to stand among the crowd and he went back to wait near the door. Alphonse chose a spot to stand behind one of the sofas, it was a small space so no one else stood there and even though it gave Elizabeth a reason to stand closer to him, he wasn't paying enough attention to her to find it problematic.

It was very warm in the crowded living room so he started to shrug off the leather coat he had every intention of confronting Edward about at some point, and at the same time he skimmed his gaze through the crowd, looking for Mustang again. He didn't spot the General but he did realise he knew almost no one attending the party.

He frowned as he neatly folded the jacket over his arm and looked at Elizabeth beside him, she was watching him with no real expression, everyone around them was trying to be quiet as they spoke to the people they knew,

"Could you hold this for me?" he handed her his birthday gift for Gracia –inside the card was written to her from both himself and Edward since he knew his brother wasn't particularly good with gifts-, "I'm going to leave the coat in the back room." He explained.

Elizabeth took the gift wrapped in silky red paper carefully and nodded,

"Sure...it is warm in he-" she was saying as quietly as he had spoken but she was cut off.

"Alphonse." A voice said, soft and hesitant but still pleasant and he looked away from Elizabeth's green eyes into bright, stunning –very familiar- blue eyes.

His stomach flipped in shock at the sight of Winry.

 _'What the hell, why is Winry here!?'_  he panicked inwardly, wondering if he'd paled worse over his already sallow complexion as his lips twitched into a probably not very convincing smile. He knew he should have done better but he felt incapable of forcing a good smile at his self-appointed rival,

"Hi Winry..." he said a little more flatly than he thought was good for keeping up appearances.

She noticed his demeanour because her own hesitant smile waned but still –because they'd grown up together and had been through the worst of the worst- Alphonse found himself stepping forward just as she did and he hugged her, and she hugged him...and after a few tense seconds, both of them separated and stepped backwards.

He felt like running his hands over his arms because his skin had crawled when his senses were assaulted by her perfume and he'd bitterly wondered if Edward remembered and liked the way she smelled,

 _'Why the fuck is she here?'_  he thought again as he watched Winry smile genuinely at Elizabeth and shake hands with her,

"I'm Winry Rockbell; I'm a family friend of Alphonse's and a close friend of Gracia's." She introduced herself, her eyes casually looking over Elizabeth just as Elizabeth's did over her,

"I'm Elizabeth, a friend of Alphonse's, he's mentioned you before." Elizabeth said with her own bright smile. Al appreciated that she said 'friend', there was no hesitation in her tone either to give Winry room to wonder if she was lying or anything.

But that didn't stop Winry from asking anything, as she always had been, she was immune to the Elric's personal boundaries.

"Just a friend, not a girlfriend?" she said with a raised eyebrow and a teasing smile, looking between both of them. Elizabeth laughed quietly while glancing at him and then she shook her head.

Alphonse was staring at Winry, he hated that she looked so pretty, Winry never had been the type to over dress because she didn't need to in order to look good. She wore only a hint of make up on her eyes and a touch of clear gloss on her lips. Her long blonde hair was open and suited her that way, as it always had. She wore nicely fitting blue jeans and flat heeled boots with a powder blue off shoulder blouse that was loose and flowing over her upper arms but tight around her thin waist, showing just a sliver of her waist between the jeans and top. It also showed the straps of her white bra over her slightly tanned shoulders. She and Elizabeth were about the same height but with Elizabeth's heels on, Winry looked a little shorter.

Elizabeth had turned a faint shade of red at Winry's forward question and Alphonse intervened before Winry said anything else to annoy him,

"Winry, what are you doing here...in Central?" He asked quietly after glancing around and seeing everyone was still engaging in quiet conversation, his skin was still crawling and all the hushed voices were getting on his frayed nerves. She looked at him and he noticed that she tried to stop herself from frowning, the tension that had been between them months ago had not eased after so long.

It was clear now...Winry either still suspected something strange was going on or she was still sore about what had happened between her and Edward when she visited and on top of that, Alphonse knew she picked up on his badly concealed hostility.

"I live in Central now." She said simply.

He felt his eyes widen at her words and she smiled a bit, although what kind of a smile it was he couldn't really tell since he was focussing on keeping the flash of pain in his guts from showing in his face in a grimace.

"You look surprised, Al." She said his name with the same affection she always used to and he swallowed thickly, "I told you and Ed I wanted to move to Central, so I started making plans after I got back to Risembool that time, I've been here for about a month now." She informed and then asked, "Where is Edward?" and he heard it, the distinctive note of warmth in her tone.

He took a deep quiet breath and shrugged, raising his eyebrows as he tried to look unaffected by her presence,

"I don't know, he hasn't been home for a few days..." he didn't know why he told her that but it was too late to take back the admission or the bitterness that laced his tone when he said it, "...excuse me." He gestured to the jacket over his arm by way of explanation and walked away from them toward the hall leading to the other rooms.

He'd noticed how Winry had frowned worriedly at him before he walked away and he'd also noticed a look of concern on Elizabeth's face, one look was for him and the other was Edward.

Two women who were independent, educated and confident and yet they'd both gotten caught up in the same simple trap, the same mess...the mess of the Elric brothers.

He walked toward the bedroom he knew was for guests, the door was open and on the bed he spotted a very small pile of jackets, not many people would wear jackets in the warm spring weather. He wouldn't have either, had it not been for wanting to show Edward he knew how ungrateful the older blonde was.

And secretive.

He was itching to know what was in that safe too, he hadn't even known it was there, he hadn't seen Edward bring it home, hadn't known he'd bought a safe...or had it been there to begin with? Was that why Ed had moved his stuff into that bedroom instead of the one Al now occupied so quickly, because it had a safe built in?

It frustrated him to think he hadn't known about the safe.

After he placed the jacket down beside the pile he sighed and pressed his hands into his face, feeling the sleeves covering his palms rubbing softly over his cool face,

 _'The safe might be empty, he might not even be using the fucking thing.'_  He reasoned, since he had no way of knowing if there was anything in it.

He shook his head and ran his hands through his hair a few times before crossing his arms over his mid-section where his slowly fading bruise was. He frowned to himself as he wondered just where Edward actually was, his confidence, his anger, his relief, all of his emotions were hanging in the balance, they had been since the previous day when he'd realised he'd be seeing Edward at the party.

But the older blonde wasn't there and now there were just coils of anxiety and worry writhing inside of him.

And then there was Winry, apparently  _living_  in Central, and there was Mustang who hadn't arrived yet either and in all the fretting and worrying he'd been doing the past few days, one of the main things bothering him had been about whether Edward would had gone to Mustang after leaving the apartment.

It hadn't seemed likely of his brother, but then again, very little was making sense lately.

He clenched his jaw a few times and ran his hands over his face as well before he left the guest bedroom and made his way back to the living room and the crowd. As he walked he glanced at Elizabeth, she was standing by herself, so he cast a fleeting glance around and spotted Winry, she was standing and talking to a guy he didn't recognise.

He was just glad that the group of people he knew from the military were gathered on the other side of the room or he would have had to greet them and answer the same question of where Edward was. People really did expect them to be together all the time and it was sad, because he felt that's how it should be.

Alphonse approached Elizabeth and she smiled at him, when he reached her and leaned with his hand on the couch back she bumped him gently with her shoulder,

"You okay, you looked a little shocked to see your friend, Winry?" she asked in a whisper.

Alphonse glanced at the clock on the wall over the lounge bureau and saw that it was almost a quarter past four and he frowned, questioning whether Edward was actually going to show up,

"I'm okay...jus-..." he was cut off by knocking on the door and his stomach overturned again.

Logic told him it  _had_ to be Edward. Jackson had said they'd have been the last to arrive, the time was past due by now and Gracia wouldn't knock on her own door...

Jackson quickly and quietly leaned over to the peep hole to see who was there and then he smiled – he smiled a lot- and unlocked the door before pulling it open and Alphonse spotted Edward.

His heart soared for a second at the sight of his gorgeous older brother, Edward gave Jackson a small smile and Alphonse heard Jackson say in a loud whisper,

"You're late  **guys** , come in…"

 _'Guys?'_  his heart sank and the sharpness of the feeling made him frown.

He watched as Edward shrugged in some vague acknowledgement that he was tardy before he walked inside and following his steps closely was the one person Alphonse had been dreading seeing with his brother...Roy Mustang.

And he looked good, he looked so lean and handsome and he had that charming smile on his face as his gaze moved from Jackson back to Edward when they proceeded to walk further inside.

Alphonse felt his heart start to beat hard and sore in his chest as he watched Edward avoid looking around while Roy kept his eyes solely on Ed, and then he leaned forward and said something very close to Ed's ear. He noticed that Edward didn't lean away from the proximity of the older man. Ed smirked and his eyes flitted to Roy's face briefly before focusing on a vacant spot for them to stand against a wall opposite where Al was.

His emotions raged suddenly and painfully in his body, the sort of anxiety building up in him could not be numbed by medication. It was jealousy and anger and frustration and  _misery_.

 _'I was so worried about him, he didn't have the fucking decency to call me for three days and now he shows up with_ _ **Mustang**_ _.'_  He felt sick and he didn't realise he was downright glaring murder at Edward until the older blonde's eyes met his and he actually saw Ed flinch and slump back against the wall.

He didn't stop though, he was furious and he had a mind to walk across the room and deliver the hit to Edward that he'd stopped himself from giving three days earlier.

As far as he was concerned Edward really  **did**  deserve it after all this time without so much a phone call, now showing up smiling and pleasant with Mustang as if nothing, absolutely  _nothing_  had happened.

He felt Elizabeth shift beside him but he didn't look at her, instead he noticed that Mustang moved and he glanced at the older man, their eyes met for a second as Roy frowned and then placed his –loathed- hand on Edward's shoulder.

He felt his lip upturn as his stomach twisted with disgust at the idea of Roy's hands having been on places less innocent than Edward's shoulder in the past days. He sniffed irritably and looked away from Edward's sad and confused face, Alphonse felt nothing but anger, he didn't even feel bad for wiping off the small smile that had been on Ed's face when he entered with that one severe look.

Alphonse's eyes fell on Winry almost automatically, his anxiety burning harsher still as he realised that Winry and Mustang were both there. It didn't even matter that Winry was holding some guy's hand – a guy she hadn't bothered to bring over and introduce anyway- or that he had no proof that Ed and the General had done absolutely anything sexual together, it just mattered that his insides were hurting and everything seemed too much at once.

He wanted to be home very badly.

Alphonse quickly dropped his gaze and his head, focussing his eyes on the couch back as he gripped the cushion tightly and slowly closed his eyes. He heard some hushes being passed around and then Elizabeth's hand settled lightly on his back and tapped him gently just as the locks of the door sounded.

He licked his lips, opened his eyes and raised his head quickly, seeing Jackson wasn't at the door Al realised Gracia had arrived. He glanced at Elizabeth who gave him an 'are you okay' look and he turned away again. Alphonse swallowed sorely but he managed to smile as the door opened and when the room chorused a loud 'surprise' and Gracia nearly dropped her grocery bag while gripping Elysia's hand tightly, he let himself focus on just one thing at a time.

Gracia's elated expression…at least someone was happy.

The room was filled now with movement and excitement and he allowed the noise to swallow him up, absently he sought Elizabeth's forearm and his hand slid down to take hers...her slender fingers clenched his own without hesitation.

Alphonse started to move forward with the crowd as everyone took turns hugging Gracia and Elysia and greeting her with birthday wishes, handing over presents which Jackson promptly took and piled on one of the side tables. When finally Al got close enough to her to be spotted she turned her eyes on him and she beamed, her light green eyes crinkling up with happiness as she raised her arms and took him into a hug.

Alphonse smiled genuinely as he as he hugged the shorter woman with a firm squeeze,

"Happy Birthday, Mrs Hughes." He said over the slight noise around them as they pulled apart.

She shook her head fondly and ran her hands down his arms before squeezing his wrists,

"Call me Gracia dear, really, after all these years." She said with a small laugh and her eyes fell on Elizabeth, "Hello, we haven't met before, I'm Gracia Hughes." She took Elizabeth's hand in both of hers and smiled in a very motherly way.

Alphonse waved at Elysia when he spotted her through some people's crowding bodies and then he glanced at Elizabeth, Alphonse watched as she squeezed Gracia's hand back gently,

"Hello Gracia and happy birthday," she slipped in with a radiant smile, "I'm Elizabeth, a friend of Alphonse's." She repeated the words Alphonse wondered if she disliked saying.

Gracia raised a curious eyebrow as she smiled but unlike Winry she didn't question the introduction,

"Lovely to meet you Elizabeth." She nodded.

"You too..." Elizabeth offered back.

Alphonse –for the first time- wondered whether everyone there just assumed Elizabeth was more than a friend to him by default,

"Where's your brother, Alphonse?" Gracia's hand touched his arm and he looked at her, he'd been staring at nothing during his distracted thoughts,

"Oh, he's-..." but he stopped because when he glanced around Gracia had as well and they both spotted Edward at the same time coming toward them with a winning grin on his face, a fine row of white and slightly sharper than average teeth on show for Gracia and it didn't look fake at all.

Alphonse resented him for looking so happy.

"Here's Edward!" Elysia –shorter than all the adults- popped up next to Ed and quickly she had her hands wrapped around Ed's one arm while smiling up at him. She'd grown taller, she was by Alphonse's estimation probably 12 years old or so now, but Ed had grown too and it seemed she noticed since she didn't call him little brother anymore.

Edward seemed surprised by the sudden attention but he recovered easily, Alphonse watched as he patted Elysia's head once gently, approaching with her,

"Hi Elysia." he said just before they reached where Gracia stood, as well as Al and Elizabeth.

Jackson was now standing just behind Gracia with a few other friends and Mustang was coming up behind Edward with Riza and Jean. Alphonse wanted to spot Winry too but his attention was drawn to Ed when he hugged Gracia, avoiding eye contact with Al who tried not to scowl over it.

"Happy birthday, Mrs Hughes." His older brother said kindly and after they parted he held up a small gift box Al hadn't seen him carrying, "This is for you." He said pointlessly and Gracia took the gift and smiled brightly,

"Thank you Edward, this is so wonderful having all of you here..." she was saying with the start of tears in her eyes, Jackson took the gift from her hands and then reached for the one Elizabeth still carried.

Tears were just ready to slip from her eyes when she spotted Roy and she covered a hand over her smile as her emotions visibly caught up to her, the tears slipped down her cheeks freely the moment she hugged him. Everyone who knew Maes Hughes' close family relationships with both of them became solemn and a little sad at the teary smiles.

Gracia mumbled something about all of this being wonderful and Mustang pulled back from the hug gently, beaming at her in a way Alphonse had rarely seen him smile –he noticed even Edward stared-,

"It's been too long since you celebrated something for yourself, Jackson here had the right idea to throw you this party." He quirked his eyebrows and glanced at Jackson, Mustang was so socially comfortable that he effortlessly passed over Gracia's beaming smile aimed in thanks to him to the person actually responsible for the party.

When she turned to face Jackson to kiss him and hug him, saying her emotional thanks, there was an exchange of glances that happened between familiar people. Edward and Mustang, Alphonse and Riza, Mustang and Havoc, Havoc to Alphonse, Riza to Mustang, Edward to Riza, then Mustang to Alphonse, Edward to Elizabeth, Riza to Havoc before finally Roy turned to smile down at Elysia and broke the silence amongst them,

"Did you know about the surprise for your mother Elysia?" he asked her with a grin as he pulled her smaller form into a one armed hug against his side.

Alphonse didn't really hear her answer because he had looked at Edward and the older blonde was looking at him too. He expected to see hostility –considering not only his last words to Edward but also because of the look he'd given his brother when he walked into the party- but instead Ed smiled at him, it was sad…but plainly affectionate.

And so confusing it caused a lump to swell in Alphonse's throat.

"Hey, Elizabeth." Edward turned his gaze to her next and gave her a small odd smile.

"Hi, Edward." She smiled back, it was small but more genuine than Ed's had been.

"Hi, Edward." Winry popped up and Al's stomach lurched, his eyes darted between them before zeroing in on Edward's reaction.

Alphonse watched as his older brother turned to look at his once intended future wife, Ed didn't look very surprised to see her, but a few other subtle emotions crossed Edward's face before he smiled at Winry,

"Hey Winry, what the hell are you doing here?" he asked, his words were the usual with Ed but they were said with a sweet smile –that Al wanted to smack off his face- and a tone of familiar pleasantry as his older brother raised his arms and Winry stepped in to the hug.

She looked quietly happy and relieved as she wrapped her arms around Edward's mid-section and pressed her cheek into the front of his shoulder. Their hug was closer than Al's had been with her, more comfortable as well, it said something about their underlying relationship that Elizabeth must have noticed because she glanced at Al and he also noticed Riza glance over and smile at the pair of them.

He wanted to pull his hair out, every inch of his skin was crawling as he watched Edward slide his hands absently over Winry's shoulders as they pulled apart, so calm, so natural and he **hated**  it.

Because Edward was like that with him, or at least he had been after they'd gotten past their rough patch...

 _'Edward is mine...he...he was mine...'_  he swallowed around the sore lump growing in his throat.

"I'm living here now-..." Winry was saying when the noise level raised, music was turned on and Jackson spoke loudly,

"Alright everyone, how about some drinks?" he asked and many people agreed and there was movement again and Alphonse felt a hand clap his shoulder, he turned his head to look at Havoc,

"Let's get a drink Al, and you can introduce me to this lovely lady friend of yours." The taller blonde wiggled his eyebrows, smiling at Elizabeth and she smiled back, vaguely amused, at him.

Alphonse just sighed.

Before long Alphonse did end up at the drinks table but as he reached to grab a bottle of beer from the large ice bath Elizabeth appeared at his side, placing a gentle hand on his own and reminding him that he couldn't drink, he was on medication.

Resigned and miserable, Alphonse knew that it was going to be a long night.

* * *

After about an hour or so the party got into a fuller swing, just about everyone had had their loosening up drinks and had been mingling and introduced to each other and it was all laughter, eating, drinking, talking, dancing and general merriment...for the most part.

Alphonse's medication had long since started to lose its efficacy in his system and his mood was worsening along with his stomach pain. For that reason he'd spent the better part of the hour sitting in the same spot, a chair at the dining room table pushed again the wall. He had the company of a bowl of potato chips and a plate of sugary cupcakes while he sat nursing a bottle of the cold fruit juices Jackson had bought for Elysia and the few other kids there.

Alphonse mused that it was to make the children feel included by having their own bottled beverages along with adults. He had to hand it to Jackson, it was a nice party with a good atmosphere, even though there were mostly adults present, the mixture of food, drinks and people went well along with the kids.

It felt like a family gathering in a way, which he hadn't had many experiences with.

He wished he were feeling well enough to properly appreciate it.

There were quite a few couples at the party; some who had brought their own youngest kids, elder kids weren't there. There was also a pregnant woman who was being fawned over by every mother and potential mother present, except Elizabeth he noted wryly; even Winry seemed interested in the pregnant girl.

It'd made him think of the time Winry had delivered that baby, she'd been so incredibly strong and brave, Winry was an amazing woman even if he hated to admit it these days, she'd always faced odds with a headstrong and no nonsense attitude no matter how difficult and intimidating they were,

 _'Just like Edward.'_  He sighed and raised his eyes from his bottle to where a lot of the guests were dancing.

He looked over the people dancing with their kids, girlfriends, wives and friends. Elizabeth was dancing too…

She'd been asked to dance quite a few times by Havoc and at first she hadn't minded but Al could tell it was starting to bother her after so many times. It seemed that since she hadn't been introduced to everyone as Al's girlfriend, Havoc took it as a go ahead to flirt and just be overly friendly with her in general. Elizabeth was not interested in Jean, Al knew as much, he'd become familiar enough with her body language to know that the smile she wore was guarded and the distance she kept between them when dancing was purposeful.

 _'She likes me, not you Havoc.'_  Alphonse blinked slowly, swallowing down the sore burn that was making him clutch his half empty bottle of juice tightly. His eyes drifted over the dance area to settle on Elizabeth, she was now dancing with one of the other few single guys at the party, a soldier that Al didn't recognise, which wasn't surprising since he hadn't been around general military personnel at all in the past months they'd been in Central.

He looked away from Elizabeth to Winry, she was talking to Riza, Sheska and a few other ladies off to the side of the dancers, laughing and joking. He still hadn't heard her full story about being in Central and he found he didn't actually give a shit, the more his insides hurt, the more his mind drifted back to the one person causing his ache...

...he looked for Edward and spotted him...dancing.

Alphonse smiled before he could help it, watching his older brother do something he never did, and only because his dance partner was Elysia. According to Elizabeth –when last she'd stopped by his lonely corner to ask how he was doing- Elysia seemed to have a 'cute little crush' on Edward.

He didn't think so but he didn't bother to explain why to Elizabeth, he watched now as Edward grinned at Elysia while he spun her around, holding her arm up in the air as she stood on her toes to twirl, smiling and giggling while her long brown curly hair fanned out around with her.

No, it wasn't a crush, he knew that he and Edward were like older brothers to Elysia and watching how she interacted with Ed and how Edward laughed and indulged her energetic out of beat dancing while barely moving himself, it was fun and innocent, pure and sweet.

Alphonse might have twisted his own brotherly relationship with Ed into something sick but that didn't mean he couldn't see that sort of quality in the people around him. It occurred to him then...that that's how Winry and Pinako had probably looked at himself and Ed –pure and sweet- whenever they'd hugged or talked closely,

 _'...and it had been innocent.'_  He picked up the bottle, his hands shaking slightly as he sipped the strawberry liquid contents and continued to watch Edward.

Elysia was insisting he dance more while giggling, it was obvious Edward was trying to get away now from the childlike look on his face. Elysia grabbed Ed's hands and started swinging his arms back and forth, Edward just laughed awkwardly and stilled their arms easily. Alphonse watched him gesture to his feet and say something and Elysia rolled her eyes and dramatically shrugged while placing her hands on her tiny hips.

Alphonse was smiling at her antics and at Edward scratching the back of his neck while being scolded right when Elizabeth came over and blocked his view. He raised his eyes to look at her and she huffed quietly before setting a glass of red wine down on the table next to his juice,

"Can't you dance with me Al, I'm getting a little tired of being hit on by that guy." She complained quietly and rubbed the side of her neck, she looked slightly flush and her skin was probably warm from all the dancing.

"Only a little?" he asked in a lame attempt at teasing her. She narrowed her eyes in a weak glare and he smiled slightly,

"Seriously, that Jean guy keeps asking me if I'm single in very not subtle and uncreative ways and I can't exactly say no, because I'm here with  _you_  and they're gonna think we're...you know." She gestured for him to move up so she could squash onto the dining room chair next to him.

Alphonse blinked tiredly and did as gestured, making room for her beside him on the single chair, he leaned his shoulder against the wall and placed his elbows on the table. It was the only chair available, the others were removed from the living room for space reasons he supposed and the couches were cluttered with people. She sat down in the small space sides him more or less with her back to him and picked up her wine glass, Alphonse watched her sip it as he thought about what she had said. He really did appreciate her not bringing up the kiss they'd shared since it happened, he knew she could have insisted they define what it had meant and she could have asked him whether she was there as a date or as a friend, but she didn't, she just let things be.

He really liked that about her, even if it meant he could take advantage of it selfishly.

He didn't know if she just guessed he didn't want to talk about the kiss or if it was because she herself didn't want to but he wasn't going to bring it up either. Alphonse glanced around the room and spotted Havoc watching them, but the older man tried to appear casual and looked away when Al spotted him, returning to a conversation. Al picked his juice up and sipped it before looking at Elizabeth again, they were sitting pretty close and he could smell her perfume and feel the warmth of her skin from the exertion of dancing.

 _'Edward's been dancing, I bet his skin is warm too...'_  he inhaled quietly and glanced over to his older brother and what he saw hurt him and angered him. He tensed and fisted his hands on the table around the bottle tightly; Al licked his lips – his mouth felt dry- and he swallowed down his jealous fury to keep it from showing on his face.

Edward was  **dancing** with Winry, even if he wasn't doing much dancing per se –and Winry had probably forced him into it because she was just like that- they were still there...dancing together.

Ed's hand lightly on her higher waist, hers was on his one shoulder while they kept their other hands raised and clasped together. They were going around monotonously to a steady but not slow tune...talking about something from what it looked like. Al quickly glanced around for the man Winry had come to the party with, he was talking to some people and seemed to not notice Winry dancing with Ed.

"You're brother and Winry seem close and Winry's even prettier in person." Elizabeth had to go and make him nauseous, "Were they ever together?" she enquired innocently over her shoulder, licking wine traces off her lips.

 _'No...but they were going to get married and have babies ...'_  he thought miserably and pushed his fruity drink aside with a small scowl on his face, "No, they were never together." He said honestly,  _'I never gave them the chance.'_  He felt ridiculously smug about that fact right then, not guilty like he usually did.

He glanced at them again, Winry was frowning slightly and listening to whatever Edward was saying, his face was also serious and their movements had slowed and they were going around almost absently as they discussed whatever was so interesting.

"Alphonse." Elysia came over smiling and Elizabeth smiled at her, Alphonse did too over Elizabeth's shoulder,

"Yes, Elysia?" he asked pleasantly, always having time for the sweet girl.

She blushed slightly as she looked at Elizabeth and she fiddled with the hem of her pretty little summer dress,

"If your girlfriend doesn't mind, will you dance with me?" she asked politely and looked at Elizabeth with wide green eyes.

Elizabeth laughed sweetly and was about to say something but Alphonse decided to do something that he knew would make him a jackass in the long run, but for right then it would make a show to Havoc –and any other forward single guys watching Elizabeth- when they kept looking over,

"Elizabeth doesn't mind Elysia, I'll just dance with her next..." he said pleasantly, letting his smile move from Elysia to Elizabeth, who smiled brightly at him,

"Finally." She rolled her eyes and stood up so he could get his legs out from under the table and stand up.

When he was standing on his tired legs he glanced at Edward one quick time and their eyes met, they'd been avoiding each other for as long as the party had been going on. He looked away when Ed did because Winry had said something and regained Edward's attention. Alphonse turned to Elizabeth and leaned close to her, placing his hand on her waist –a little lower than a friend would- purposely and he said quietly into her ear,

"If Havoc is making you uncomfortable you can tell him you're involved, let him assume what he will about us." He said quietly and smiled at her with a subtle nod when he pulled back and turned to Elysia.

"After you, Elysia." He bowed slightly and Elysia giggled and proceeded to drag him to the dance space, much like he was sure she'd done to Edward earlier.

He didn't miss the blush on Elizabeth's face and neck before he was tugged away and he'd found it looked very fetching on her, especially with her hair up like that and her overall demeanour being so flushed and warm.

He danced with Elysia much the same way Edward had, except he actually danced instead of stepping around uncomfortably and when they got close to Ed and Winry while dancing, they shared smiles...

Alphonse found it amusing and it made him feel a little better for how Edward used the small distraction and pause in dancing to subtly separate himself from Winry, saying something about needing a drink and she just nodded –with a twinge of disappointment in her eyes- and watched him go.

It was obvious that she still had feelings for Edward, Al had known it but it still pissed him off.

Winry smiled at him and Elysia shortly and then walked off in a direction Al didn't care to watch, he just smiled –a bit brighter- and twirled Elysia around so fast she squealed.

A minute longer and the song ended before another began and Elysia skipped away because she spotted her mother, Al watched her go over to Gracia and Jackson who had come to dance and they shared a hug...a family hug. He thought of Hughes as he looked at Jackson but didn't give the man too much thought, Maes was gone and life went on, like Edward had said, it had to happen sometime,

 _'Just like mother and father are gone and Ed and I are alone, life has to go on.'_  He tried to smile for Elizabeth when he turned to head back to her but he saw that Jean was at the spot he'd left her, leaning casually on the table and probably flirting up a storm, Elizabeth was smiling and talking politely.

Alphonse wasn't a bastard by nature, that was Ed's thing, but he'd been having a really bad week and so when he walked over it was with the intention of getting Havoc off of Elizabeth's case he found he didn't care if he offended the older man by showing him he had no shot with Elizabeth. He knew from back when Edward worked with Havoc that the man had a history of being overlooked by women for other men, but he just didn't feel bad and he kind of liked it.

He stepped up beside Havoc and the older man stood up straight and smiled at him,

"Hey, Al."

"Hey." Alphonse said with a lopsided, amused smile and turned his attention to Elizabeth quickly, she was sitting in the chair, "I came to get that dance." He said with a wink and held his hand out to her.

She sighed –relieved- and brightened up a bit, trying to be polite about her respite as she stood up and tipped her head to Al,

"Of course, sorry Jean." She said to the taller blonde and Al gave him a quick smirk before he took Elizabeth's hand and they walked to the dance area.

When he held Elizabeth to him he intentionally pulled her close so their stomachs and hips were almost pressed together, his hands –both of them- he looped around her waist and rested them on the small of her back. She followed his lead and placed her hands between his shoulder blades, her arms over his shoulders and they started dancing to the speed of the music. Alphonse supposed there was something to be said about the fact that he felt comfortable enough with Elizabeth to be that physically close to her…

She smiled impishly which made him smirk,

"If I flirted with you right now Alphonse, would that make you uncomfortable?" she batted her lashes.

Alphonse raised his eyebrows and kept his eyes on her, not wanting to see Edward talking to Mustang because that's where he'd glanced his brother just a moment ago,

"I suppose I'd be practically asking for it dancing with you like this, wouldn't I?" He said in a low tone and he turned them a bit sharply with a smooth sway so that she had to stifle a giggle when she hung on to his neck and her green eyes shone prettily, Alphonse smiled.

She snickered and patted his back a few times with one hand, her face had flushed though and he knew he was having an effect on her. He should have stopped…it wasn't right to flirt with her…

"You would, you'd completely deserve it if I had to say what a smooth dancer you are, oh and also..." she made a face somewhere between mockingly sultry and amused, "...if you keep this up I might be tempted to take you home and tie you to my bed after all." She smiled cheekily.

Alphonse noticed the affection in her gaze and the way her eyes travelled between his lips and his eyes, he knew what she was thinking, for once he wasn't blindsided by it either.

But he couldn't kiss her...he didn't feel the urge to kiss her...but he didn't want to let her go either, he liked holding her close…

He asked in a damnably flirtatious tone of voice,

"I wonder if you'd be serious." Not sure where it was coming from.

It was the wrong thing to say, he knew, he shouldn't be flirting with her, not when he didn't feel anything for her like that. As they turned he didn't miss Edward's glance in their direction, Ed's expression was tense but unreadable, before he continued talking to Mustang about something.

And Alphonse didn't miss the different look in Mustang's eyes when he regarded Ed as opposed to how it used to be. It was more personal, sort of affectionate…

It made him sick with anger.

It made him want to be closer to Elizabeth the further away Edward seemed to drift and it fucking hurt.

He was just glad that Elizabeth, probably for her own good, wasn't easily taken up by flirting and he knew she'd been hurt so many times and it was probably why she didn't take everything at face value, she was careful and hid all of her insecurity behind her great smile and sense of humour. It made him feel a smidgen less guilty about his selfish misleading actions, knowing that she wasn't going to read too much into it,

"Well, I probably wouldn't tie you up," she said matter of factly, "because then you'd be on your back I'd have to do all the work." She finished with a dramatic sigh.

Alphonse couldn't help bursting out with laughter and she laughed too, people glanced at them as they snickered together closely but he just shook his head and stayed focused on her,

"You are...unbelievable, Elizabeth." He muttered to her as he laughed.

"You're supposed to say that  _after_  the sex." She whispered dully and he laughed a bit more, leaning into her shoulder and she was laughing quietly too.

When his laughing had eased he pulled back and smiled at her, she looked at him with a fond smile,

"You feeling any better?" she asked sincerely.

Alphonse sighed and quirked his lip,

"My stomach hurts and I'm anxious as shit, so no..." he smirked, "...but it was nice to laugh, thank you." He admitted. Elizabeth tended to make him feel better at his worst moments.

She glanced around but he didn't follow her eyes and when she looked at him again she blinked a few times, her face becoming somewhat serious,

"You should talk to your brother, you've been avoiding him since he got here." She said quietly.

"He's been avoiding me too." Alphonse added.

"You've been avoiding  _each other_..." she rolled her eyes, "...and if you keep it up, he'll leave here however he came and you'll go home alone and you'll keep feeling sick and you'll never sort things out and-..."

"Okay, I get it..." he said stiffly…and he did.

Her words about Edward leaving the way he came –which as far as he could tell had been with Mustang- made pains shoot up, down and through his insides sharply and even into his legs as they moved... **no** , he didn't want that.

It registered after a moment that Elizabeth's words –while said in innocence- sounded very much like she was giving him couple advice. As they swayed to the jazzy music playing on vinyl, he thought distractedly about when he'd seen Edward dancing with Elysia earlier. Anyone who knew how close Ed and Elysia were, himself included, would never mistake Elysia's affection for Ed as being a pre-teen crush, they'd know she looked up to them as brothers.

And from that realisation, it occurred to him that most likely  **nobody** who  _really_ knew Edward and him would think it odd how close they were. Elizabeth had said people might think it weird because they're men, but the people who knew them really well, all their secrets, all their pain…had never once thought their unbreakable bond to be strange or unhealthy.

Even Pinako, who had told them they should stop sleeping in the same bed when they were 8 years old, had no longer seemed to seemed to think that way about them. He didn't know how she felt now, after what had happened with Winry, but the few times he and Edward had fallen asleep in the same bed after Al's restoration, she'd never commented or looked bothered about it.

Because after their trauma, after their suffering...after the alchemy that changed their lives and bound their souls together...things had changed and people could see that, people knew it…as long as they really knew Edward and Alphonse.

The question arose in his mind then,

 _'Would they actually think it's weird if we lived together for the rest of our lives? Would they question if we chose stay together? Would any of the people who know us really suspect the nature of our relationship to be anything more than unconditional brotherly dedication to one another?'_  he frowned slightly and felt oddly pleased at the train of thought and the positive vibe it carried for him.

He'd been feeling so hopeless since thinking that Edward and he could never have a relationship because people would eventually become suspicious and interfere. He'd been feeling so empty when he'd watched Edward dance with Elysia, imagining that his brother probably would make a great dad, he'd felt so hurt watching Edward dance with Winry, knowing that he'd intended to promise his life to her.

But now he felt better.

Of course it didn't sort out any of the  _other_  problems, like the guilt Alphonse was still trying to sort out over what he'd done to Edward's trust and happiness and the break-up he still wasn't coping with,

"You're right, I will talk to him tonight...I have to." he said at length and Elizabeth seemed surprised by the delayed response but she just nodded,

"Good, you'll feel better after you have." She said, not knowing how right she was.

Alphonse knew he'd feel lighter than a feather if Edward would say he forgave him for the nasty things he'd said just days before, he nodded and wanted to respond but the music was turned down and he and Elizabeth turned to face Jackson when he asked for everyone's attention.

"It's time for the cake and presents!" he announced cheerily, he didn't swoon or become giddy like Maes would have, but the likeness in personality was obvious. Alphonse wondered if the man knew that it was most likely his similarity to Maes that drew Gracia to him.

Alphonse and Elizabeth moved with the crowd to make room as the cake was brought out, they settled to the edge of the circular crowd, Edward stood a few people down from them. Not with Winry, Mustang or anyone familiar, but by himself, sipping distractedly from a bottle of a golden coloured alcohol cooler as Gracia stood at the centre of the small crowd with Elysia and Jackson.

The large cake was set down on the coffee table lit up with candles.

Al wasn't looking forward to the cake, he hadn't actually eaten anything from the snacks all night because his anxiousness was still rife. But at that moment it was more because he wanted to get a moment alone to talk with Edward...

...and apologize, he'd decided he was going to tell Edward how sorry he was and...he hadn't decided yet if he was going to go back on his word to end their romantic relationship or just tell Ed that he was having a hard time dealing with it. He wanted to be back together with Ed, so so badly, but he worried that the moment they got back together, he'd start being eaten away at by guilt all over again.

He wished the decision could just be easier, he wanted to be with Edward but he couldn't do it without guilt and pain unless he knew Ed wanted it too.

He sighed quietly and clapped along with everyone else when Gracia cut the cake.

* * *

Alphonse sighed heavily as he closed the bathroom door behind himself and turned the key to lock himself in.

It'd been a few hours that the party had been going on by that time, the cake was almost completely eaten by Gracia and her guests and he had even did his best to eat his piece of the sweet marble cake layered in fancy decorative –too sweet- icing.

After the cake he'd managed to push some bowls of snacks and bottles aside so that he could sit on the dining room table while everyone gathered close and tight around to watch Gracia open her presents.

It'd been a relatively long process, there were just over 30 guests at the party and each present had required some thanks and gushing to the givers, some hugs or smiles or tears too but he'd been happy enough to sit through it, to see Gracia look so happy. Al had been really nervous about her opening his gift because he'd been second guessing his choice since purchasing it–and he'd felt a bit stupid when she read the card and thanked both him and Edward.

Edward had glanced at him with a small frown and Alphonse had just looked away.

He'd been relieved when she opened the gift and smiled, it had been a sad nostalgic smile, but she still seemed genuine when she thanked him for the new camera. It was the latest instant camera model available and it'd reminded him of the Hughes family photo tradition and obsession.

He'd paid a pretty penny for it, but he had all that extra money since he no longer had a romantic trip to save for.

Or did he...? If things went a certain way...and Edward forgave him...?

That's what he'd started thinking immediately after Gracia thanked him for the expensive camera. Ten minutes later she, along with Elysia, thanked Edward with tears in her eyes for the matching set of bracelets he'd bought them and Alphonse felt oddly upset.

Not because Edward's gift had been sweet and thoughtful and perfect, but because there was  **no way**  in hell Ed had thought of a gift like that himself...and the smirk and glance his older brother had spared Mustang after Gracia and Elysia thanked him answered the question of  _who_  had helped Ed pick a gift.

Alphonse bent over and leaned his elbows on the bathroom counter as his head ached slightly, he pressed his forehead to the cool surface between the twin basins. He was dying to know how long Edward had been with Mustang, if it'd been all three of the past days...and if it had, what had they been doing?

He breathed deeply, trying to calm himself, thoughts of Ed and Mustang seriously upset him.

His medication had worn off, even if it was still in his system and Elizabeth wouldn't let him have a drink, so he was feeling low...and he'd feel lower the longer the night dragged on and too easily his mind drifted back to those pills. He wanted them...he felt like he  **needed**  them and he knew he was walking very steadily to the beginning of an addiction.

He had to stop taking them for a while or he'd become completely dependent on them and the only way he could stop needing to take them was if his pain would  _stop,_

"I need to talk to Edward." He whispered to himself, nodding slowly as he looked at his sickly reflection.

Alphonse took a moment to wash his face with some cool water and then he relieved himself, washed his hands and finally left the bathroom. He smiled at someone waiting just outside and as the door closed behind him, he was left standing in the hall, he listened to the music that had been started up again and the clatter of bottles, laughter and continued merriment in the living room.

He shook his head, not ready to go back to that right away.

Instead he walked down the hall to the guest bedroom and walked inside, it was dark because the light was off and he noticed that the jacket pile remained untouched, including the coat he'd brought with him set beside it. Seeing it again reminded him of the hurt he'd felt at discovering it was left to collect dust in the bottom of Ed's wardrobe.

He walked to the bed and picked it up, sitting in the spot it'd been laying in,

"Why didn't you ever wear it, or even look at it...?" he wondered quietly to himself, frowning as his heart ached.

Alphonse couldn't make sense of it, it was a gift, given with love...so much love...

 _'Maybe that's it...'_  he felt his face heat up when he remembered the type of love that had accompanied the giving of the gift. He hunched over, elbows on his knees and the jacket clutched in his hands between his legs, hanging partially on the floor as he stared at the bedside table.

Alphonse remembered the day he'd given Edward the jacket and he remembered what had followed. He remembered how he'd kissed Ed on the sofa in their apartment and used every ounce of his confidence to sound sexy as he said he had another gift for his older brother.

He remembered how he'd slipped down to the floor, got on his knees between Edward's legs and opened his jeans slowly, trying to be sexy and glancing up at Ed for approval, trying to gauge if he liked it. He'd been trying to turn Edward on with his actions, at that time he hadn't been all that sure of himself sexually even though they'd been sleeping together for a little while. He'd still been getting used to things between himself and Ed and he'd been trying to figure out what Ed liked.

Edward hadn't known how shaken he'd been to initiate that so boldly while trying to be romantic, saying his sexual advance was a birthday gift...and then he'd been so aroused by his own actions. The thought alone of having Edward in his mouth again, tasting, feeling and memorising the core of the older blonde's masculinity cradled against his tongue had made him shiver with anticipation. But he'd never told Edward how much he enjoyed the act of giving him oral sex…because Ed would probably have tried to shy away from it, since it'd sound like something dirty if said aloud.

Alphonse could only shake his head at Edward's selective prudishness toward him. All the same, he'd started to love the feeling that day, the sensation of performing felacio on Ed... and he loved it now a hundred times more after all the times he'd done it since.

Even if Edward never ever returned the favour, Alphonse had never felt put off of giving Edward oral sex.

He doubted he ever would…

Having Edward's cock in his mouth was incredibly pleasurable for him, the fullness of it –just like when they had sex- made him feel good in a strange way, sexy and vulnerable, scorching with desire and scared of his neediness all at once. Having Edward throb in his mouth, wet the back of his throat with pre-come, the taste of which Alphonse had grown to recognise distinctly and enjoy as well…

Feeling Edward's thighs and stomach tense under his hands and hearing him very quietly moan sounds that may or may not be Al's name. In moments like that Al always wondered as he did now, whether Ed really felt anything for him, because he honestly seemed to when they were together.

Edward seemed to really enjoy it, the way he breathed heavily and would grip Al's hair in his hand gently, the way he'd move his hips after a while and start to very hesitantly fuck Alphonse's mouth...it happened like that every time...and sometimes Al wished Edward would let go of his restraint and just do it properly…

"Ugh...stop thinking about that." Al told himself with a muffled groan and he rubbed his hand over his mouth, trying to ignore the hot stirring of arousal in his groin, the thought of something so raw happening between them warmed his insides quickly with yearning. He sighed and rubbed the leather between his hands, blinking a few times to get his mind out of the gutter and refocus back on his original train of thought.

Edward had no real reason to dislike the gift, not unless it had something to do with their incestuous relationship and the acts Al had performed for him that marked the giving of the present.

"That's so fucking stu-…" right then his harsh whisper was cut off by a dull murmur from down the hall, it was loud enough to override the music in the living room and he frowned, raising his eyes to look at the doorway.

Alphonse started slightly when he heard Winry's voice,

"Let go of me!" and the murmur went quiet, "You have no right to say that to me, dammit!" her voice was high pitched and upset and Al heard her squeak out an apology to Gracia before there was quiet again.

He shifted slightly to the edge of his seat on the bed when he heard a man's voice call after her, followed by the opening of a door and then it closed and there was another louder murmur from the living room.

Alphonse had just stood up when he heard booted footsteps –one heavier than the other one- coming down the hall quickly and he tensed slightly with random concern, clutching the jacket in his hands all over again.

He didn't know what had happened but he expected it was something to do with Winry and,

"Edward?" he said when his brother walked into the room with quick angry strides.

Ed hadn't seen him and was just about to punch the wall but he paused mid punch and turned around to face Alphonse quickly. He blinked a few times in the dark and visibly swallowed as Alphonse watched the tension leave his body. Edward sagged and exhaled tiredly, rubbing his hand over his face as he exhaled loudly and then looked at Al again,

"You okay Al, what are you doing in here in the dark?" he asked quietly, ignoring whatever had just happened in favour of asking Al how he was, it didn't even surprise Alphonse.

He shook his head and put the coat on the bed for the moment,

"What just happened?" he frowned and stepped toward Edward but there was a good distance between them.

Edward raised his eyebrows and glanced back at the open door, down the hall there was steady murmuring of many voices and the music had been turned down,

"I uh...well, I fucked up, like I always do, ya know." He laughed dryly before he gnashed his teeth together a few times and looked over Alphonse.

Al watched as Edward's eyebrows drew together slowly and when he came towards Alphonse the younger blonde didn't hesitate to let himself be embraced. Automatically he wrapped his arms around Ed and leaned into him fully, welcoming the rush of relief and warmth that came with it,

"...I'm sorry I didn't call you, I'm sorry about leaving you like that Alphonse, I'm sorry I always fuck up  _everything_." Ed squeezed him so tightly it almost hurt and he smiled, he  _loved_  it and he squeezed back, "You're not angry at me? I thought you'd be angry, you looked at me...you looked so angry when I got here, I'm sorry for everything..." he went on breathily against Al's shoulder.

Al's heart pounded in his chest and he closed his eyes.

"Edward..." Alphonse said, his voice choked up with emotion at the stream of apologies and concern flowing from Ed, regardless of whatever had just happened with Winry his brother was there, holding him, asking for his forgiveness. Al loved the feeling even it was selfish and greedy, "...I'm...I'm..." he had no idea what he wanted to say as he clutched Ed tightly.

He had been so incredibly angry and jealous, miserable and in pain and medicated and selfish and guilty, yet right then he felt relieved and pain free and he couldn't believe he'd said such awful things to drive his brother away, when he loved him so much and all of this, all of their problems were his fault,

"...I'm...I'm fucking sorry." He breathed out and turned his face into Ed's neck as he felt tears burn his eyes up.

"I love you Al, I'm sorry..." Edward said pretty much at the same time and also turned his face in so Al could feel his shaken exhales against his ear.

Al shivered slightly and Edward pulled back just a bit and one hand –warm and shaking- settled on Al's face gently. Alphonse opened his mouth and had to say,

"I love you too Edward, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry..." he pulled his hands from around Edward's back to grip handfuls of his shirt.

Ed sniffed and Al did too,

"Are you okay, you look sick...?" Edward's hand shifted to his neck and his eyes looked over Al's face.

"I was," he felt like he had to admit, "I got sick after you left...well I got worse, I was already...anyway..." he felt like he wanted to say everything all at once, speaking in a quiet hushed tone as Edward's fingers gently stroked his neck, "...what about you, where were you?" he  **really**  wanted to know.

Edward laughed bitterly and shook his head, taking one hand back through his bangs while the other gripped Al's neck, blunt fingernails raking lightly –and pleasantly- against his skin,

"I'm  _pathetic_ Al, I fell apart the moment I left you...can you believe it? After all these years I still can't handle fighting w-ith you." He pulled Al into another hug, his voice hoarse with emotion.

Alphonse noticed he didn't answer the question.

But he still hugged Edward back, enjoying the feeling of Edward's body pressed against his –closer than was normal- and yet for once it wasn't about his sexual feelings, he just enjoyed having Ed close and safe and holding him...as a brother.

He'd missed Edward, he really had…more than he'd realised at first.

He heard Edward sniff again and he unthinkingly kissed Edward's cheek when he pulled back to say something, just at the corner of his mouth...and just when someone stepped into the room.

The sound of the approaching quiet footsteps hadn't been heard over the din of the apartment down the hall but the sound of an exhale made them look sharply to the doorway.

Alphonse felt a strange thrill of panic wash over him and yet nothing had happened, just a kiss on the cheek, really, so simple, but it felt dangerous and made him hot with worry. His mind filled quickly with expletives as he inwardly stressed over just what the hell the kiss might have looked like…but underneath the layers of worry, he felt just a bit curious about whether his theory was right…would  **he**  think of a kiss like that between Al and Ed as brothers to be weird or questionable.

 **He**  was Mustang, the older man was standing in the doorway and he raised his hand and flicked the light on by the switch, making both Al and Edward squint as they pulled apart from their hug. Al could feel tension radiating off of Ed and he assumed the older blonde was worried about Mustang's reaction as well.

But Mustang looked unfazed –if a little amused-,

"So you made up with Alphonse at least, Ed..." the General huffed and Al glanced at Edward seeing the tension leave his face before he gave Mustang an annoyed glare. That confirmed for Al that Mustang knew something of their disagreement and must have been with Ed over the last three days in order to have found out, "...now you should go and apologise to Winry for  _whatever_ you said to her." He suggested with a lazy raise of his eyebrows.

Alphonse watched Mustang closely, wanting to spot any hints of disapproval in the older man's eyes as he looked over them, but he saw none and it fuelled Al's confidence that he and Ed could get away with their emotional closeness and co-dependence, so long as they kept the actual incest behind closed doors.

Edward sighed and shook his head,

"I can't apologise now, it's too soon...Winry's a lot like me, she needs time to cool off." He said and Al knew that to be true, he found himself mentally agreeing but he was still curious,

"What happened?" he asked Ed, not particularly interested in talking to Mustang.

His heart was still racing from emotion and shock and his fingers felt prickled with pins and needles.

Edward looked guilty and angry at the same time and he raised his hands up weakly before turning around and moving toward the bed away from him and Mustang,

"I...I may have...indirectly called her a...I kind of said she was...easy, implied that she's slutty." He sighed as he moved to sit down but he stopped short and Alphonse watched him pick up the jacket and toss it on the pile before sitting down.

He didn't even recognise the coat and that  _offended_ Alphonse, it hurt all over again in his chest and he clenched his tingling fingers into tight fists.

Mustang scoffed quietly,

"Why would you call her that? Jealous because she came with her boyfriend?" Mustang sounded amused rather than scolding and it made Al's stomach turn at how familiar he and Ed seemed.

Edward scoffed now and leaned his elbows on his knees, his bangs fell forward to hide his eyes and parts of his ponytail slipped over his shoulder in uneven strands,

"Jealous? No fucking way, that guy is some asshole she met just after moving to Central a  **month**  ago and she's calling him her  _boyfriend_." He said distastefully and Al listened for a hint of jealousy in his tone, "She said that she thinks the relationship is serious and they might move in together..." he paused and raised an eyebrow, "...after a fucking month? Please...so I told her what I thought of it." He said bluntly.

Al didn't hear jealousy per se, but he did hear disproval and upset.

Mustang chuckled behind him,

"You told her she was being easy." He confirmed.

"Yeah..." Edward sighed and glanced at Alphonse when the younger blonde remained quiet, "...no lecture Al, you're not gonna tell me how rude and terrible I am to say that to her?" he asked with a small smile.

Alphonse just blinked slowly at Edward, he couldn't be bothered about whether Winry was fucking that guy in alleyways; he'd stopped caring about Winry somewhere along the way without really realising its full extent. He shook his head and made a point not to look at Mustang standing just behind him, he focused on Edward who frowned slightly as he looked over Al,

"Is that my shirt?" he mumbled not really sounding like he wanted an answer, the small smile on his face turning into a cute smirk as he tucked some of his bangs behind his ear and then rested that hand on his thigh.

Al just nodded and folded his arms over his chest, licking his lips slowly and wishing Mustang would get the fuck out, he felt ready to confront Ed about the jacket  **now.**

"Is Gracia upset?" Edward asked quietly as his gaze drifted back to Mustang.

"She's just worried about Winry, but her boyfriend went after her, I think she'll be fine with him for now, she'll probably go home."

Alphonse watched as Edward nodded slowly and then he laughed quietly, mirthless,

"Fuck, what a week...I'm exhausted." He sighed heavily and then looked at Alphonse again, Al stared straight at him, back still faced to Mustang and his inner tension building, "I'm just relieved you don't hate me or something Al..." Ed's eyes dropped, "...I really am sor..." he trailed off.

His eyes had fallen on the jacket and he frowned slightly at it before he stood up and picked the jacket up. He turned it over in his hands until he had it held up by the shoulders and could see the Flamel sign on the back. He looked worried now and he regarded Alphonse, who had tensed and was brimming with hurt anger, wanting to know just what Ed was going to say about the discarded gift.

"This...t-this is my jacket, Al?" Ed asked quietly.

Alphonse felt his mood swing, quickly becoming annoyed,

"Yes, it is." He said stiffly.

Edward looked at him a moment longer and then swallowed slowly, averting his gaze and lowering the coat,

"You...wore it here, you...uh…did you find it when you found the shirt?" he tried to keep his tone even but Al could tell he was either angry or worried about something.

Probably about his secret safe being seen, that thought riled Al up even more.

Alphonse shook his head,

"No, I went looking for it..." he was surprised by how hurt he sounded, "...because it occurred to me that after so many  **months**  you still had never worn it and then I found it stuffed in its original packaging right in the  _bottom_  of your wardrobe." he managed to keep his voice down and when he saw Edward glance at Mustang, he narrowed his eyes and clenched his jaw.

"Did you hate it that fucking much, Edward? I tried to recreate something that meant so much to you with that gift, something from when you were the Fullmetal Alchemist..." he went on as Ed stared at him with shocked gold eyes, trying not to yell and attract attention, "...I know that title meant something to you, but you couldn't wear your red coat anymore so...I..." his throat was starting to close up and when Ed glanced at Mustang again Al snapped, he turned around with look he was sure was fury on his face, "...could you  **get out**?" he said rudely, tone harsh, "I'd like to talk to my brother  **alone**." He gave Mustang a look he rarely gave anyone.

Contempt.

He knew he needed to get a hold of himself but somewhere between the beginning of everything and the end a few days ago he'd lost his grip on his mood and his temper.

He saw Mustang frown and look at Edward, it pissed him off even worse that the man was looking to Ed for confirmation that he must leave them alone. He was just about grinding his teeth when Mustang nodded to him once, expression serious, and then turned to leave, closing the door behind him.

He wanted to feel better that Ed had at least agreed that Roy must leave, but he hardly did. Al turned around to face Edward again and raised an eyebrow as his eyes burned, tears he'd been keeping back finally swelling up,

"If you hated my gift, you should have just said so Edward." He said brokenly, his anger draining as he watched the hurt and scared look on Edward's face grow.

"Are you kidding me Al?" Edward breathed and clutched the jacket and shook it once, "I  **love**  i-..."

"Don't  **lie**  Edward." Al spat quietly through clenched teeth, stomping his foot to show his frustration since he couldn't raise his voice, "If you loved it then it would have been lying in the bottom of your wardrobe  _untouched_." He insisted harshly.

Edward didn't get angry like Al expected, there was no defence in his stance or in his face, in fact he did the opposite, he backed down and averted his gaze submissively,

"I'm sorry, I don't want to fight with you anymore please, I love the jacket Alphonse, I'm promise I do." He insisted.

Alphonse shook his head and groaned irritably,

"You didn't answer my question Edward, if you love it then  **why**  did you never wear it? Or even take it out of the fucking box? And why..." he just remembered, "...and why didn't you answer me when I asked you where you were the past three days?" he took a few steps closer and Ed seemed to wither under his glare.

It was odd, Edward never got like this, not during an argument, not without a damn good reason.

"I..." he sighed shakily, "...the past three days Al, I...first I was in a hotel...passed out drunk..." his voice got very soft and Alphonse stepped closer, his heart aching as he listened, "...I was hurting Al, I was so tired. And then I went to see Roy at HQ," Alphonse took note of the use of Mustang's first name and made him feel sour with disgust at the familiarity, "and last night he let me sleep on his couch." He finished quietly, having  _explained_ himself meekly.

Alphonse knew Edward didn't need to explain himself or where he'd been in detail but the older blonde didn't seem to see it the same way since he was caving so easily, Al didn't stop him,

"And the jacket Al..." he looked at the jacket in his hands and then at Alphonse again, "...it, I..." he seemed to be having difficulty explaining that part but Alphonse wanted an answer and he folded his arms across his chest to make his point that he was waiting.

Edward's voice shook,

"...Alphonse, I'm  **not**  the Fullmetal Alchemist anymore." He said very quietly, eyes sadder than Al had ever seen over something material, "I loved the thought behind the gift and the sentiment but what the jacket stands for...it's not me anymore, I can't wear this." Edward said through slightly clenching teeth and he took the last few steps toward Alphonse.

Alphonse felt confused and still hurt at the explanation, to him Edward would always be the Hero of the People of Amestris, he would always be the Fullmetal Alchemist. He didn't understand how Ed didn't see himself as being that person anymore, that brave and strong and amazing person he'd always been, that everyone knew him as.

"Edward, of course you  **can** , you are still, you'll always be..." but he trailed off because Ed shook his head with a finality Al recognised and folded the coat over his arm,

"No, I'm not..." his mouth moved as though he had something more he wanted to say, his face twisting into an expression of hurt but then he just shook his head and forced a smile, "...just stop fighting with me okay?" he asked softly.

Alphonse didn't know whether he would be able to get his temper under control any time soon but right then he felt weak and drained, his mood and anger fluctuated so quickly and unpredictably it was tiring. Now he just felt confusion and sadness...but at least no pain. Edward hadn't done anything questionable with Mustang from what he'd said and he'd driven Winry away with unkind words, things seemed to be going in Al's favour.

The extremes of his pain, the ache of jealously, was lessened and Edward was standing before him wanting to patch things up…he looked so tired as well.

Al wanted to kiss him…but that feeling was common enough that he could suppress it.

He nodded,

"Okay, no more fighting..." he wanted it to stop too, he wanted to stop being in pain all the time so he could kick the anxiety pills. He was just going to ask Edward about coming home right when the older blonde said something to upset him all over again,

"So, you and Elizabeth look...uh..." Edward's lips twitched into an uncomfortable smile, "...you guys look good together, I saw you dancing with her, very smooth little br-…ah, Al, I'm happy for you." Aside from the near slip of  _little brother_  which had rendered Al's stomach hollow in a second, the next worst part was that Ed sounded sincere in his words.

Alphonse swallowed thickly and blinked uncertainly,

"What do you mean you're happy for me?" he asked slowly, carefully, unsure of what Edward was assuming.

The older blonde brushed his bangs behind his ear on one side absently,

"Havoc said you guys are a couple, or well, he said it seemed like you were cause' Elizabeth turned him down and said she was involved with someone." Ed was forcing a smile and it made Al nauseous.

It'd been his advice for her to say that and now it was backfiring, but it gave Al a chance to find out once and for all, to find out the truth of whether Edward wanted to be with him or not. He  **needed**  to know,

"You're happy for me?" he asked quietly and looked Edward straight in the eye, green-gold holding yellow-gold seriously, "So, you...it doesn't bother you, that I'd be...with someone else?" he was whispering by this point.

This conversation was delicate, illicit and private.

He watched as Edward absorbed his words and then he looked thoughtful for only a few seconds before he shook his head slowly, looking uncertain but his words sounded relatively sure,

"It's right, she's right for you Alphonse. She's beautiful, she's genuine and she makes you happy, I've seen it now and before when I first met her Al, she's-..."

" **You**..." Alphonse cut him off, hating how evasive Edward was being again, "...would it  _bother_   **you** , would it  _hurt_   **you**?" he specified.

 _'Please don't let me go…'_  the thought was fleeting and made him feel cold.

Edward shook his head quickly but his eyes watered even as he smiled again,

"No Al, if she makes you happy, I'm happy..." Alphonse was so sick of hearing that redundant rubbish because neither of them had been completely happy in all these months, "...and you look happy with her."

It wasn't convincing and Al was about to stress what he needed to hear but then Edward broke his heart,

"I actually think it's better if you're with her and if I find someone else, that way we can be brothers again like we both wanted and there'll be no more fighting, no more resentment...I don't want you to end up hating me...because I need you Al, you know that." Edward was starting to sound emotional and shaken again.

His words sounded sincere and how could Alphonse force the issue now. It had been said…Ed didn't want this.

Al had heard enough.

Edward wanted to move on...with someone else.

"Okay." He said weakly and blinked a tear from his eye that was followed by several more.

Edward frowned and stepped forward, his free hand coming up to wipe Al's tears from his cheeks. Alphonse looked numbly into Ed's face.

Even when Edward took Al's shoulders and held them gently but firmly, Al just stared at him emptily,

"I want to always be with you Al, you're my brother, my  **only** brother, you're  **all**... **all**  that I have..." those words were so similar to the ones Ed had screamed and cried that night of the failed transmutation Al could only blink more tears from his eyes, "...I can't lose you, I can't live with you hating me or resenting me. So be happy with Elizabeth because that's normal and its  _right_ and I'll still be here,  _always_..." Edward breathed out shakily, "... _always,_ Al." his eyes were watery now.

He was so close that Alphonse could have kissed him but Edward kept saying it was 'right' for him to be with Elizabeth which translated to him as Ed thinking it was 'wrong' for them to be together.

It all came full circle, standing this close to Edward and being told that they would always be brothers but should never be anything else...because it was wrong.

Square one.

Months of agony and emotional pain to get there and in a matter of seconds, all the hard work broken down with such simple words, painful words that twisted his insides mercilessly.

 _'I fucking love you, I wish you understood how much…'_  the thought echoed as he nodded weakly, right before he found himself embraced again.

Alphonse hugged Edward back tightly without hesitation, listening to his brother's soft and sweet 'I love you's' in his ear…I love you's that were meant as a brother and a brother alone.

He leaned against Edward for support as his legs weakened with abdominal pain, and all Alphonse wanted right then was his anxiety pills…

* * *

 _"Morning Al, do you want some tea?"_   _Edward asked in a soft but pleasant voice, he was standing in the kitchen at the counter over a cup of freshly made coffee that Saturday morning. Alphonse just nodded in response as he walked in and then sat down while Ed started to take another mug out of the cupboard, "How'd you sleep?" he asked Alphonse with a loving smile._

_Al just stared at him through sandy eyes._

* * *

"So you and Edward talked out your differences at the party on Friday, is everything okay now?" Elizabeth asked him as she fiddled with a pen. It was Monday, late afternoon, they'd finished their lectures and gone back to her house for a late lunch and since Edward had practically told Alphonse that Friday night that they needed to find separate people in their lives, he'd accepted her offer.

Edward said it was right this way, Alphonse hadn't the strength to argue differently.

In fact, he'd resigned himself to letting Elizabeth be a steadier more personal part of his life. He didn't  _want_  her to be, he didn't feel that way about her...but Edward clearly didn't want to try again with him, he didn't want to be with Alphonse as anything more than a brother even after all this time, so Al just…had to let go.

Because he'd lost hope…

Presently he and Elizabeth sat on the floor of her bedroom, their work notes scattered around on the floor while Alphonse copied over and caught up on everything he'd been missing in classes.

"Yeah...it's...better." he responded apathetically.

Things weren't actually better, they were just bizarre.

* * *

_Edward seemed oddly better the next morning, after the two of them had talked and reached painful conclusions in the room at Gracia's they'd re-joined the party for a while and after some apologies to Gracia they'd left together to go home._

_Elizabeth left with them but they hadn't gone home with her chauffer, instead they'd walked together in unsettling silence in the mid-evening coolness, not speaking a word the whole way and once they'd reached home they'd said goodnight and gone to their separate bedrooms._

_Edward had held onto his jacket as he closed his bedroom door and Alphonse had tried to pick up the broken pieces of his heart rattling in his chest the moment he'd closed his own, he'd cried as quietly as possible for the rest of the night._

_But Saturday morning was a new day and Ed was up early, dressed in his sleeping pants and tank shirt while being busy in the kitchen, wearing a soft smile as he made perfect tea –just the way Al liked it- and handed it to Al with a hand on his shoulder and a kiss to the top of his hair. Alphonse didn't know whether to be insulted or pleased by the long lost brotherly gesture..._

_So he chose neither and instead pulled out a pill from his sleeping pants pocket and swallowed it down with his perfect tea when Edward's back was to him. Next had come the toast, freshly made, not even slightly burnt and with butter and sweet jam spread lovingly over the slices._

_Alphonse ate it because he needed to have something in his stomach to aid the medication._

_Then Edward asked if he felt like going out to do something together that day...and Alphonse said no, thank you._

* * *

"That's good, I was worried when you went to bathroom at the party and didn't come back. I thought you might have passed out or something but then that Roy Mustang guy came back to the party and said everything was fine and thatyou and Ed were just talking." Elizabeth sighed from where she sat just behind him.

Alphonse turned over a page of her notes and started on copying the next one, he was doped up again and completely pain free. Nothing felt significant anymore, not after he'd been one hundred percent rejected by Edward. They were  _just_  brothers now and as brothers nothing had ever been wrong...

…and as long as he couldn't  _feel_  the pain that silently gnawed away at his stomach lining, he was just dandy.

"Yeah, we talked." He responded dully and continued to rewrite her notes into his own book.

"It was shocking though," Elizabeth carried on, sounding distracted, "when Winry just started yelling. I didn't even really see what happened but someone said she tried to slap your brother and he stopped her hand before she could, I didn't see that." Elizabeth sighed and Alphonse didn't even look up.

He was sat cross legged on the floor while Elizabeth sat next to him leaning her back against the foot of her bed while he sat hunched over his work.

He didn't have anything to say about Winry.

* * *

_Saturday had continued like that, Edward walked around forcing smiles and trying to recreate some semblance of brotherly-ness between them. Something that was present naturally before but had been long since replaced by other newer –better- less brotherly things._

_As far as Alphonse was concerned anyway._

_Alphonse didn't find himself quite so adaptable to the changes, he didn't like the soft punch on his shoulder when Ed tried to get his attention or the ruffling of his hair to show affection. And he certainly didn't like Edward's cheeky – sexy -winking whenever he said something he thought was funny. Sometimes Al had found Ed's sense of humour amusing, sometimes not, but now none of it was funny and he found himself laughing so blatantly fake that Edward would actually sigh and look hurt._

_It was not good…it was not going to get better._

_True enough, Sunday had been worse. Alphonse had medicated himself to sleep again and woken up to another breakfast, slightly more elaborate than the tea and toast from the previous morning. There were scrambled eggs and apple juice with toast...and he ate it, because he needed to._

_But afterward he'd retreated to his bedroom –it was hard to be around Edward platonically- with the excuse that he had to go through his notes and figure out how far behind he was before he started to get caught up at Uni on Monday._

_Edward had sighed again, looked briefly hurt and then smiled that hurtful 'I love you, no matter what' smile that made Alphonse feel like he was being patronised and yet adored at the same time._

_He really couldn't stand it, he didn't want to go back to being normal...he wasn't_ _**fucking normal** _ _._

* * *

"So things will go back to normal at least, you'll stop looking like a walking zombie once your ulcer starts healing up and we'll go back to having boring lunches and equally boring lectures." Elizabeth joked and poked his back with a finger.

He didn't flinch or stop writing and just clenched his jaw a bit at the mention of the word  _normal._

Nothing would go back to fucking normal, there was  **incest** and Elizabeth and Roy and Winry and lies and secrets and façades and pain and drugs and yearning and feelings, needing, wanting, hating, anger, guilt and somewhere in  **all**  of that there would be sex and hurt and regret...but there would be no fucking happiness.

And there would be no fucking normalcy.

"Yeah, I guess." He said flatly.

* * *

_"I'm going to see Winry..." Edward said from the doorway later that Sunday, he'd knocked and only opened the door a little ways, probably because Alphonse had very unpleasantly said he could 'come in', "...she told me on Friday where she's staying and if I call she'll probably just hang up on me. I need to apologise for what I said so I have to go see her, I had no right or reason to say that to her." He sounded so sincere and sorry, Alphonse could have puked._

_But he just kept his head down facing his book and made no move to acknowledge Edward properly._

_"Fine." He'd responded and not looked at Edward._

_"...uh, I might go see Mustang too, depending on how long I take at Winry's. I need to find out about work for next week and they don't stay very far apart so I'll get both over with." Edward continued to explain himself, sighing when he was done._

_Alphonse wanted to say, 'We're not fucking anymore_ _**brother** _ _, so why are you telling me where you're going like it's my business.' but that kind of attitude had fucked up everything in the first place so instead he just said,_

_"Okay, see you later." And he continued to pretend like he was focusing on what he was reading where he sat on his bed._

_He heard another sigh, longer and sounding exhausted before his door closed._

_Alphonse had taken another pill an hour later._

* * *

Turned out Edward wasn't working for the next week which gave Al mixed feelings, how great it would have been to spend that time together but as it were, he'd rather avoid Ed all together if it meant he didn't have to hear his pleasant voice, see his fake smile or have to be close to him when Alphonse couldn't have him.

Yes, it was simpler to run away. Much simpler.

He wondered how the fuck Edward had been so strong to stick around through all that shit when they'd been in constant danger of dying in their questing years, especially when it would've been infinitely easier for him to just go off on his own, run away to where no one would have found him, not even Alphonse.

Al knew he was the reason Edward endured all of that but he took no consolation from it in anymore. He'd had more from Edward, he'd felt more, he'd experienced his real happiness briefly when being as close and as loved as humanly possible to and by Edward –the person he loved more than  _anything_ \- could possibly be…

…and then had been forced to let it go.

'Anything' no longer held the weight it used to for him anymore either and promises were apparently made to be broken.

And all because it was wrong to love his brother, to  **really**  and  **truly**  love his brother...and Edward didn't want anything wrong in his life.

"You're so tense, Alphonse." Elizabeth sighed, "You want me to give you a massage?"

He nearly snorted, he was wound up in coils upon coils of anger and frustration beneath the medication, emotional frustration as well as unyielding unpredictable anger...and she was offering him a massage?

How wonderful life would be if massages could fix misery.

"No, thanks. I just want to finish these notes." He sighed heavily, coming off as distracted instead of annoyed.

* * *

_Monday morning Edward hadn't made breakfast but he hadn't slept in either, Alphonse had found him sitting in the lounge when he'd been getting ready to leave for university and the older blonde had been shirtless, wearing just a sleeping pants and his hair had been tied in a hasty ponytail. His legs had been bent up on the couch where he sat in his usual corner spot and he had been staring into the empty cold fire place._

_He'd looked tired, drained and very worried about something._

_Alphonse hadn't asked what was bothering him...because he had enough emotional shit to work through on his own. He'd just left the apartment very quietly…_

* * *

He hadn't stopped thinking of being with Edward even once since Friday night, no matter how many times he told himself to just be a brother and to stop being so angry and so cold, he only ended up feeling like a scorned, hurt ex-lover.

Because that was exactly what he was and no amount of sugar coating or denial was going to change it.

It wouldn't go away, Edward had said that once, there was no going back for them.

No shit. Alphonse had to learn that the hard way.

He wouldn't be forgetting the kisses, the touches, the words, the closeness, the sweat, the breaths, the skin, the sex, the feeling of being complete...none of it was ever going to go away. Not for all the medication and fake smiles in the world.

The pain wasn't going to go away either…nor the misery…

He huffed and shoved his books off his lap before stretching his legs out and lying back against the foot of the bed, slouching lower than Elizabeth.

He placed his hands behind his head and looked to his side at Elizabeth, she just smiled at him.

She was no less pathetic than he was really, he was in love with Edward and she was in love with him. It seemed like a stalemate.

Also Alphonse didn't know what went on his older brother's side.

Edward had looked so deeply thoughtful about something that morning, his demeanour begged the question of what had happened at Winry's and then what had happened at Mustang's.

Edward had come home after 7 PM, so either he'd spent well over six hours with Winry or some of that time with the General. Had something drastic changed for Edward in that time with one of those people…?

Winry was angry but she'd been angry at Edward before so many times, it had never stopped her from forgiving him and Al was loathed to think of how forgiveness could have come in the form of sex, she'd seemed pretty eager to take things down that road the last time.

And Alphonse didn't really buy the boyfriend angle, Winry had always loved Edward, just like he did and that didn't go away.

The question was what did Edward feel for her? He'd said Friday at the party that he would move on with 'someone else' and Alphonse should too.

But who was that? Was it just a random reference to no one in particular, or did Edward have someone in mind. If that was the case it seemed unlikely that it was Winry, considering neither he nor Ed had known she was even in Central, so it just seemed like it had to be Mustang.

He very inhaled quietly to himself.

Everything was speculation and all the speculation made him sick.

He doubted Edward was sitting around and fretting over what decisions he was making and even that hurt. The older blonde seemed content to force them along into brotherhood again, no matter how futile it seemed at this point. Too much was lost and broken and severed to be put back together so easily.

Edward was the one who was being naïve now.

Where there'd been a confused relationship between them before, now there was nothing. Now there wasn't even any trust between them, too much had happened...and even though it had all felt honest at the time, honest feelings and actions and nasty words, it was all lies and excuses.

Edward lied about being okay as a couple all the time.

Alphonse lied about being okay with being brothers.

They would lie about being happy eventually, once the routine set in and then they'd be miserable together with fake smiles and tortured hearts.

 _'This is_ _ **reality**_ _, this is what's happening...this is what my sickness caused.'_  He stared at the floor distantly,  _'If I'd never acknowledged it, never ever been so weak and needed to confess to Edward about my incestuous feelings, I would have probably still been in Xing now. I would have been with Mei and Edward would have been engaged to Winry...and even though I wouldn't have been completely satisfied and would have been living with a dark secret, I could have managed because I'd never have known any better. And Edward would still be…happy...'_

It was the truth, he'd never have known what it was like to be kissed by his brother, he'd never have known he pleasure and joy that came with it, the feeling of rightness and fulfilment. And therefore his longing and imaginings of it would not have held so much power over him.

Now he had to go on like it'd never happened.

He couldn't help thinking sorely that maybe the best way to do things now was just to jump in with his eyes closed. Just force himself to do something he didn't want to. Like jumping into cold lake water, many times he hadn't wanted to as a kid and after his restoration...but once he did, once he forced himself and then he adapted to the temperature, he enjoyed himself swimming.

It was a safe risk, because he knew that once he was in the water very little could go wrong as long as he knew how to swim.

That was how people lived life after all.

The majority of the world took safe risks so they could be prepared when things went wrong.

They never challenged the norm.

Edward and Alphonse had always challenged what was considered normal, broken rules and laws and boundaries,

 _'I suppose it just comes naturally...'_  he mused sadly.

But Edward didn't want any more challenges now, when they'd talked that Friday night he'd looked defeated, tired and unwilling to fight anymore.

Edward didn't even see himself as the Fullmetal Alchemist anymore.

He was giving up. Edward Elric...was giving up...and he'd asked Alphonse to do so as well.

"What're you thinking so hard about?" Elizabeth asked quietly and dusted his nose with the back end of her feathered pen. Alphonse looked at her again for a moment and then he sat up properly beside her slowly.

He took a deep breath and leaned his head back against the bed before he rolled it to the side and looked at her fully, she leaned her head back too and raised her eyebrows at him questioningly.

Alphonse had only ever fought so hard in life because he was driven by Edward's determination; they'd always fed off of each other's strengths, needed each other and kept each other going.

So now...when it all came down to it, if Edward was giving up, Alphonse had to as well because he didn't have the strength to go it alone, to fight alone...not when Ed was no longer for the same cause.

It was time...to be normal.

"Elizabeth..." he said her name evenly and she quirked her eyebrows,

"Alphonse..." she said mock seriously.

"Will you...would you like to go out with me?" he asked her quietly but couldn't bring himself to smile.

He didn't want to smile, there was nothing to smile about.

But he didn't need to...because Elizabeth was in love with him. So when she said yes a bit breathily after a moment of obvious astonishment over the randomness of the request, Alphonse wasn't surprised that he didn't feel anything, not relief or excitement or even really interest.

There was nothing spectacular happening right then. He was just asking her to be his girlfriend and that was completely normal…

Alphonse knew that he wouldn't be surprised if he never felt anything ever again.

But he didn't see why he should care, it was only his life anyway.


	12. Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks - to Vienna Wood for editing this chapter, your assistance is appreciated.
> 
> \- I apologise for the lengthy delay with putting this chapter out.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Slipknot

  
_Sitting in the dark, I can't forget._   
_Even now, I realize the time I'll never get._   
_Another story of the Bitter Pills of Fate._   
_I can't go back again. I can't go back again..._   
_But you asked me to love you and I did._   
_Traded my emotions for a contract to commit._   


  
_And when I got away, I only got so far. The Other Me Is Dead._   
_I hear his voice inside my head..._   


  
_You told me to love you and I did. Tied my soul into a knot and got me to submit._

_So when I got away, I only kept my scars. The Other Me Is Gone._   
_Now I don't know where I belong..._   


  
_We were never alive, and we won't be born again._   
_But I'll never survive with Dead Memories in my heart._   
_Dead Visions in your Name._   
_Dead Fingers in my Veins._   
_Dead Memories in my Heart_   


* * *

 

Edward had been dragged into it…literally.

Elysia had appeared seemingly out of nowhere and latched onto his arm with a scarily strong grip for a twelve year old before she'd dragged him over to the makeshift dance area in Gracia's lounge. He'd been content to humor her for a minute but when he'd tried to back out and tell her that he was no good at dancing…she'd been unfazed.

It was frightening; she had inherited the persistence and powers of 'persuasion' of Maes Hughes and her mother's calm, sweet, charming ways. She would be formidable to deal with as an adult, he was certain, but just as infectious and genuine as her father.

Right then she stood with her hands on her little hips and raised her eyebrows at Edward, he found himself being told that he was not leaving the dance until the song was over…and he quickly acquiesced because really, she looked very serious about it. The rest of the dance hadn't lasted very long though, not even another minute into the song –in the second he'd taken to glance over at his younger brother –like he'd been doing throughout the party so far, Winry had popped up.

He'd still been watching Al –with an ache in his chest- as the younger blonde made space for Elizabeth on the single chair he was sitting in and they proceeded to talk quietly about something. Alphonse didn't look well at all and Edward had been tempted more than once to go over and talk to him, ask how he was, or apologize…maybe see him smile, but he hadn't.

He just didn't feel ready to face Al one on one.

He also didn't feel ready to face Winry one on one at  **all,** but that's what was happening presently. Winry had come over and asked Elysia if she could take over dancing with Edward, and he felt lost for a second while Elysia blushed and nodded, smiling as she skipped away before Winry turned to smile at him.

"I…I don't like to dance Winry, you know that, I was just-…" he shrugged with an awkward smile at the pretty blonde as he gestured after Elysia. He was honestly a little unsure of what he felt about Winry after so long but he felt no desire to be physically close or to talk to her right then, he knew that much. He hadn't ever been  **in love**  with Winry, Edward was sure he'd never been in love before at all, not counting Alphonse because his love for Al was different, born of blood, endless and painful but unconditional and resolute.

It hurt just to think about it.

"Oh come on Ed, it's not going to kill you to dance with me just once…" she smiled sadly, stepping closer to him and he didn't step back as he kept his eyes on her sad smile. When her hand rested on his shoulder, he sighed and brought her just a bit closer by placing his hand on her side, giving in to her because it really wouldn't kill him and it would probably make her smile.

He may not be **in**  love with her, but he did love her and he hated to make her sad if he could help it.

As her hand found his free one and her thin, smaller and softer hand settled against his own, Edward closed his hand around hers and wasn't surprised by how natural it felt to be close to her that way.

He glanced over at Alphonse and Elizabeth through the people moving in and out of his line of sight when he and Winry started to step and sway to the music and he saw his brother still talking to Elizabeth, he didn't look too happy about whatever she was saying and he wondered what they were talking about.

But he refocused his attention on Winry as they turned and stepped awkwardly with each other and she laughed quietly, smiling –more happily- up at him,

"I'm not an idiot you know, I built that automail. I know its precision ability better than you do, so you can't pretend with me, you can move more efficiently than this, you can  _dance_." She raised a knowing eyebrow and Edward just blinked and then made a 'oh shut up' face and huffed quietly at her,

"Physically yes, my automail is precise in movement enough to dance…"

"Because you certainly have no problem fighting with it…" she chimed in.

"… **but** ," he said over her quiet, smug mumble as they turned stiffly around again, "…technically I'm not very good at dancing."

She half rolled her eyes still smiling as their boots knocked together due to the lack of co-ordination,

"You're just lazy, we both know it…dancing isn't complicated and you can do complicated stuff." She said in a mildly chiding tone. Edward raised an eyebrow,

"I can't tell if you're complimenting me or being sarcastic." He mumbled, looking down at their feet because he was sure he nearly stepped on her foot that time.

At this point she gave him a thoughtful look he really didn't understand before she said quietly,

"You never could tell when it came to me…if you had been able to read me better, things would have been very different now." She sighed quietly and he felt her squeeze his hand lightly.

Edward would never claim to understand females, hell, he hardly understood people in general, but he wasn't so dense that he didn't get that Winry was referring to the two of them in a romantic sense.

Many times she'd told him in her letters that she'd liked him long before he'd come home to Risembool for good, so he knew she was referring to those years of their lives, indirectly saying that if he hadn't been so completely immersed in his goal for Alphonse's restoration and had taken some notice of her, they probably would have had a normal teenage romance.

Or at least that's how he took it.

Edward didn't like hearing that at all, it actually irritated him that she would dare imply that he should have taken a moment to notice her when Alphonse had always been the very most important thing in his life. Despite feeling his temper crescendo, he just clenched his jaw once and inhaled softly,

"So you moved to Central for good huh, you gonna start a Rockbell Automail business here?" he changed the subject blatantly and he ignored the small frown on her face at how he chose to ignore her comment.

He wasn't interested in talking about what could have or would have been between them, it wasn't going to change anything, their time had passed. Edward hadn't given it much thought since he tried not to think about Winry usually and he'd been unsure of what to think when he'd seen her again after so long earlier, but now that she was there with him, standing so close, looking as beautiful as ever, he realized that…he no longer had those sorts of feelings for her. And it was almost a relief.

"Yeah I am, I already found property to rent and have started setting up-…"

It was eye also opening; he'd thought all the months past that he'd harbored some hint of resentment toward Alphonse for making him hurt Winry the way he had, by telling her he'd be with her and then choosing not to –for Al- with hardly any explanation to her. But…now he realized he hadn't, leaving Winry had been his choice not Al's, even if he'd done it for his sibling's wellbeing. He realized it now because being close to Winry didn't dredge up any emotions of a romantic kind, only some guilt for having left so abruptly, but he didn't regret it.

He didn't think he'd made a mistake by taking Alphonse away from people who wouldn't have understood…

…not that he had understood completely himself back then just what life had in store for him.

"…I've rented an apartment just above the store property. It's on Stamford Street in North Central, not very far from where you and Al are living actually and it's a prime independent business area…-"

And after learning new things about himself and feeling new –scary- things for his brother, he now knew why he held no resentment for giving Winry up. It was because while he'd been willing to give his life to Winry through marriage it hadn't been because he'd been in love with her, it'd been because she had been his best option. But then he'd fallen in love for real…a strange, wrong and yet deepest reaching sort of love that he hadn't thought it was possible to be in.

The kind of love that was truly absolute. The kind of love that transcended usual romance through blood.

It was very fucked up, but it was also very real.

He didn't realize his gaze had drifted to Alphonse and he'd been watching his younger brother –who was now standing up-, noticing that his skin looked sallow, his eyes looked tired but he wore a charming little smile on his face that awoke in Edward the unusual and pleasant urge to kiss him-…

….Alphonse looked right at him then and at the same time Winry continued to speak so he looked back to her,

"…are you even listening?" she asked with a small frown on her face.

He nodded slowly, having fallen into a rhythm they were moving more fluently as they danced distractedly,

"Yeah, I'd like to come and see the shop some time…uh…" he tried to clear his head of the strange urge, he'd have to chalk it up to his continuously building and frightening romantic and sexual interest in Al and just suppress it, "...how long before you get set up?" he tried to sound interested.

In his peripheral he could see Al leaning close to Elizabeth but he and Winry started to turn too much for him to see anything and his mind crossed with the image of Al having kissed her…be it on her cheek, lips or neck…it made his stomach clench up painfully and he struggled to keep the hurt off his face because Winry was looking at him so closely as she continued to speak,

"Probably a few more weeks still, I'm having the place re- painted and there's still a lot of my equipment I'm waiting on to be delivered from Risembool." She said smiling; Edward smiled too, knowing that Winry's love for automail really did make her happy.

"You're excited, huh?" he grinned slightly and she did too,

"I am, a lot of my clientele used to either come out to Risembool from Central or I had to come to them here. But now that I'm going to be in stationed Central I'll get twice as much business  **and** ," she smirked in her very Winry way that could still scare the crap out of him when he was its target, "…I'll be able to hike up the prices for these rich city folk for convenience."

She looked pleased with herself and Edward gave her a look of lazy annoyance, he was hardly even paying attention to the music but he was aware that at some point Winry had stepped a bit closer to him and he could feel her front pressed against his,

"And here I thought you used to only over-charge me." He griped halfheartedly and when they turned again he tried to put a little space between them as subtly as possible.

Aside from realizing he no longer had those sorts of feelings for Winry, he also realized she probably still did have those feelings for him. She'd already tried to bring up a conversation about their relationship that never had a chance to happen and now she kept slipping closer, squeezing his shoulder and his hand. He didn't need to deal with that, the same way he didn't want to have to deal with Mustang.

All Edward wanted was Alphonse…to forgive him, love him and never leave him.

It was the same thing, always the same thing, if he had Alphonse on his side, he could deal with anything else.

It felt unhealthy just to be thinking it, his needy dependency for his own brother would most likely be considered disturbing, unnatural and creepy to anyone and everyone, but even knowing that it didn't change his feelings toward Alphonse. And since having been  **with**  Alphonse, the feelings were that much stronger, that much deeper and yes, unnatural but they didn't feel as wrong as they had when it started.

A lot had changed.

"I only ever over-charged you because I knew you could afford it." She said quietly, leaning closer again.

Edward sighed quietly,

"I didn't mind paying even though I bitched about it, you and Granny Pinako did more for me and Al than any amount of money could have made up for." He admitted.

Winry's smile turned sad again,

"Yet, there was never anything keeping you away and you never came home to visit us…all these months." She said quietly, her tone very slightly questioning. Edward was just about to make up a lame excuse, he'd done it so many times over the years it wasn't even hard anymore, but then Winry spoke first, "I told Granny."

Edward's stomach bottomed out for a second and after a slow painful swallow and all of his defenses going up sharply, he asked far calmer than he felt,

"Told her what?" he asked stiffly.

Winry stared back at him, her gaze was soft but questioning, like she was trying to understand the change of his tone of voice before she smiled uncomfortably,

"That…that I noticed something was…" her expression became a bit more tense, "…that something was _different_ about him."

Edward knew she was giving him the short of it; he fully expected that she and Pinako had had a more in depth discussion about it. Pinako would definitely have asked questions, wanting to know just how Winry thought Al was different exactly. A part of him was tempted to ask –demand- exactly what she'd told the old woman, but the side of himself more concerned with protecting Alphonse, both personally and publically, warned him that this was not the time or place to have that conversation.

In fact, not having the conversation  **ever**  would suit him just fine, because Winry had no  _proof_  of anything that anyone would even believe –like the fact that she'd seen Al 'checking him out', so he didn't feel threatened, just pissed off by her interfering ways.

"Ed, I…" Winry started but trailed off when they both heard a giggle.

Edward looked to the spot beside him and Winry amongst the dancers, his eyes fell on Elysia first –where the giggle had originated from- and then drifted up to Alphonse, whom she had brought over to dance with. He managed to smile at his brother because Winry and Elysia were smiling, Al smiled back at him and even though it was forced, Ed still felt a twinge of warmth in his chest.

Then he realized it could just be the warmth from Winry pressed against him and he quickly chose to excuse himself from dancing with her, it wasn't as if he had anything else to say to her on their most current topic of conversation.

He walked away from the dance area in the direction of the table with the alcoholic drinks on it and when he reached it he scooped up one of the ciders. He didn't like flavored bubbly alcohol but the nature of the party hadn't called for hard liquor so he was stuck drinking it. He turned the cap off the cider and took a sip from it, grimacing at the sweet taste and fizzy texture going down his throat. He turned around and looked back to the dancing area to where Al was making Elysia grin and giggle, the song was slightly more upbeat and his younger brother was moving her around quite energetically as they danced.

He was smiling and Edward just stared at him for a moment, enjoying the sight.

When he saw Al and Elysia rotating more or less to face his direction he turned away and leaned against the table behind him, casting his gaze over the room just in time to see Roy approaching him. Edward thought of the look Alphonse had given him when he'd walked into the party, and then the even worse look he'd received when Roy had put a hand on his shoulder.

He felt ten times more uncomfortable talking to Mustang after that look, he almost felt guilty to talk to or be near the older man. When Mustang reached him Edward spared him a glance just as he leaned against the table as well,

"Havoc is very interested in your brother's girlfriend." Mustang said with a bastard smirk, clearly amused.

Edward frowned when his stomach clenched and he crossed one foot over the other, resting most of weight against the table,

"Girlfriend…" he said a bit stiffly, having suspected it might be the case but his mind and heart apparently rebelled against the idea. He caught himself from frowning and forced a half grin onto his face, "…huh…Al doesn't waste any time then, just recently they were _just_  friends." He subtly ground his teeth when he turned his head away from Mustang to cut his eyes across the room.

He blinked as he watched Alphonse, the younger blonde had gone back over to where Elizabeth was sitting and Jean was over there too, proving Mustang right about him being interested in Elizabeth.

"Well, as far as I was introduced they  _are_  just friends, when I asked her earlier that's what she said…but Havoc seems to think differently." Mustang said dully and for a brief moment Edward felt relieved.

A very brief moment.

Because in the next, Alphonse had taken Elizabeth by her hand onto the dance floor and with his arms around her waist, he'd pulled the dark haired girl close –so close- and smiled warmly at her as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Edward's breath was halted and he distantly heard Mustang chuckle behind him,

"They definitely look like a couple, they look good together too."

Ed licked his lips slowly, his mouth felt dry, his heartbeat sore and his stomach tense,

"They do…don't they." He admitted honestly and smiled small and bitterly before turning his head again to look at Mustang, he quirked his lips into a more believable smile, "Al always was a ladies man."

Roy smiled right back and he glanced away, Ed followed where his eyes led and he watched with a hitch in his breath as Al danced smoothly with Elizabeth, leaning in close, smiling…looking a lot like he was flirting with her,

"Indeed, although I doubt you do all that badly yourself." The older man said over the hum of conversation around them.

Edward supposed it was a compliment and it wasn't untrue, when he'd bothered to, he'd never had trouble finding suitable lovers. But coming from Mustang, it just made him feel uncomfortable…because he felt guilty over Al's accusing glare from earlier. He blinked slowly and smothered a scowl when Alphonse and Elizabeth laughed somewhat loudly about something, bringing attention to themselves from the other people at the party.

_'Why should I feel guilty? He brought Elizabeth here, he's moving on…and that's...'_ he looked away when Elizabeth's eyes travelled in his direction, he sipped his drink and then repeated his mantra to himself,  _'…that's a good thing. I should…I should move on as well.'_  He sighed inwardly and grimaced after taking another sip of the cider he held.

"I've got whiskey in my car." Roy informed quietly, eyes slyly slipping from side to side when Edward looked at him dubiously,

"Why?" he asked sincerely wondering.

Roy tried to look innocent which was impossible no matter how Ed looked at it,

"I bought it for the party…then forgot it in the car when we came up…and then realized it wasn't appropriate for the party." He sighed forlornly.

Edward had learned over the months since getting to know Mustang as an adult and…friend, he knew the older man well enough to know he loathed any alcohol besides rich, distilled liquor and expensive quality beer. He sympathized with the man, his own eyes narrowed and he glanced around,

"Is it good stuff?"

"15 years matured, single malt…full bodied rich taste with just the right amount of sweet, smooth as silk…" Roy sounded as though he was mentally undressing the most likely expensive bottle of alcohol.

Edward couldn't help smiling, looking at Mustang as he stared unkindly at his own cider. Ed didn't like whiskey as much as Vodka, but he definitely liked it more than the apple fizzy shit he was drinking right then,

"Can you sneak it up here?" he asked, leaning just a bit closer.

And he was serious…he didn't want to entertain the idea that he was seeking alcohol too easily recently, but a real drink would ease up the weight in his stomach and blur the clarity with which he was witnessing his far too beloved brother get up close and personal with his new girlfriend.

Roy licked his lips and Edward raised his eyebrows expectantly as they glanced at each other,

"Meet me in the kitchen, ten minutes." He said quite seriously and Edward nodded once and took the cider bottle Mustang was abandoning when it was handed to him before he watched the older man walk across the crowded room and slip out the main door.

For a second he felt like he was being some sort of naughty teenager and he tried not to grin like an idiot as he put Mustang's unfinished cider bottle down on the table behind him. He turned back around when the music was turned down,

"Everyone, your attention please?" Jackson said loudly and Ed blinked dully at him as everyone did indeed give the jovial man their attention, "It's time for the cake and presents."

* * *

Mustang had returned just when everyone was getting a piece of cake, Edward spotted him and raised an eyebrow. Mustang nodded at him subtly and with a quick look around the distracted crowd – and Alphonse poking a fork into his slice of cake absently while Elizabeth talked to him – he took the cake saucer being held out to him, mumbled a 'thanks' and slipped away.

No one seemed to be watching him and he was glad, had it been years ago when he was a shit magnet teenager, everyone's eyes would have been on him…including his usually vigilant brother.

_'He's got a girlfriend now so he won't be worrying about me, it's_ _ **normal**_ _, that's how it's supposed to be.'_  Edward told himself forcefully as he walked into the kitchen, eyes falling on Mustang's back where the older man was doing something at the far counter.

He stepped up next to Roy and put the cake saucer down a bit noisily, Mustang spared him a glance and then looked back down. Ed looked down as well and watched as Mustang poured two generous shots of the whiskey into two of Gracia's tumblers.

When he was done he held one out to Edward and the blonde took the glass and without hesitating, he knocked back the drink in one go and swallowed with only a slight hitch in his throat before he exhaled a bit loudly,

"Shit…" he watched Mustang drink down his own, "…that's really…good." He said honestly, pleasantly surprised by the nicely flavored amber liquid burning his throat.

"That, Edward…" Mustang licked his lips and picked the fancy glass bottle up again to pour two more shots, "…is what excellent quality tastes like."

Edward waited until his glass was refilled just about half way and then he lifted it and paused,

"Did you really buy  _this_  for the party?" he didn't believe that story.

Mustang blinked lazily and raised his glass, clinking it against Ed's and amusing said blonde with his now far from innocent expression,  
"No, I just didn't have a better excuse for having a full bottle of whiskey in my car." He sipped from his newly poured drink and Edward did so too, glancing at the kitchen door when he heard Jackson loudly announce the opening of the presents,

"Eh, I got pissed on a bottle of cheap rum in the middle of the afternoon two days ago, I'm not gonna judge you." He shrugged and knocked back the rest of the shot again, exhaling loudly after swallowing and shaking his head absently.

Mustang smirked,

"Appreciate it." He half mumbled before knocking back his own drink just as quickly and making a bit of a face.

Edward took a moment to absorb the quiet of the kitchen as they stood waiting for their burning throats to ease up, he took in the smell of the rich alcohol, Mustang's cologne and the discomfort of his insides and then he put the glass down on the counter,

"Hide the whiskey for after the presents." Ed mumbled and Mustang's smirk returned before he capped the bottle.

* * *

Ed was relieved that Gracia and Elysia liked his gift and his heart had been very slightly warmed when he'd realized that Al had bought a gift as well and said it was from both of them.

He was feeling better, if only just a bit, but he knew it had a lot to do with the whiskey shots he'd drank so quickly and so much of, it wouldn't make him drunk, but it did a good job of relaxing him.

So he went back for more after Gracia was done opening her gifts.

Presently he'd slipped into the kitchen alone, Mustang had been involved in a conversation with Jackson and Gracia so he hadn't bothered to get the man's attention. He crouched down and extracted the bottle of whiskey from where Mustang had stashed it in the cupboard under the sink before standing up again and unscrewing the cap. He placed it down for a moment on the counter and turned to the other cupboards to find a fresh glass since the ones used previously Roy had left in the sink with a jumble of other dishes.

"What are you doing in here?" Winry asked from the doorway.

Edward tensed up, arm above his head in the cupboard with a glass in hand, and looked around the cupboard door at her with a raised eyebrow. Her blue eyes narrowed and she smirked,

"I know that look, what are you up to, Ed?" she walked over, absently touching the backs of the chairs to the kitchen table as she approached.

He pursed his lips and closed the cupboard before he placed the glass down, leaning back against the counter so the bottle was hidden behind him,

"Just getting some…uh…water." He blinked.

He watched as she glanced at the counter and he followed her eyes, she was looking at the untouched piece of cake he'd left there earlier and when he looked back to her she was just about a foot from him,

"Liar, spill it…what are you doing in here?"

Edward gave her a mildly annoyed look, much like he used to do as a teenager when she'd catch him stealing meat out of the stew pot and would smack him with a wooden spoon,

"I'm getting a drink…" he admitted, trying to sound casual.

Winry seemed to understand what he meant very quickly,

"You have something besides the ciders?" she looked interested.

_'Oh right…how could I forget…'_  he thought and his annoyed look turned fond as he remembered that Winry was raised by Pinako Rockbell who much like himself and Mustang, was fond of real liquor. He'd always known the older woman had an admirable stash, even if back then he'd never been interested in drinking and never went after it, so he didn't doubt Winry had gotten her tastes from her Grandmother as an adult.

"It's Mustang's…but yeah, you want any…?" he offered, figuring he could probably cough up the money to reimburse Roy for his expensive whiskey if Winry drank as fluently –and held her liquor as well – as Pinako.

"What is it?" she slipped her hands into her jeans pockets.

Edward turned slightly and picked up the bottle, holding it out to her, Winry's eyebrows went up,

"Damn." She said, apparently knowing the brand and quality by the renewed look of interest, "This is expensive." She said much quieter now.

Much like the Winry Edward knew –and loved as a not-really sister- she boldly stepped up next to him and picked up the glass he'd placed down, giving the bottle one thoughtful look before she took it and poured herself a generous shot,

"Did you drink this much by yourself, there's at least nine shots missing…" she informed him.

Edward blinked, impressed despite himself that she could count shots. Winry had always been just the right amount of good girl and bad girl and she hadn't lost it…he found watching her quickly drink the double shot she poured to be rather entertaining, especially since she didn't gag at the burn afterward.

Still, it didn't rouse the romantic affection it once had to watch her or think of her, now it was just fondness. He took the empty glass from her and poured his own shot,

"Nah, Mustang and I had a few shots earlier." He answered, appreciating the taste all over again as he drank his down and also appreciating the continually easing pain in his guts.

"You and Mustang never got along before, when did that change?" she laughed quietly, her blue eyes were focused on him and Edward recognized the affectionate look but didn't acknowledge it. Instead he looked away as he capped the bottle again,

"I grew up I guess, turns out he's not so bad now that I'm older and understand him better." He said evenly.

Winry gasped mockingly and he shot her a side long glare,

" **The**  Edward Elric just admitted that he used to be  _immature_ …will wonders never cease." She teased.

Edward just grunted as he placed the bottle back under the sink and then stood up straight,

"I didn't say that." He pointed out.

"No, I did…and it's true." She smiled brightly.

Her smile was disarming and infectious and aimed right at him, it made him feel better to have a genuine smile directed at him, even when Roy smiled at him it made him feel better, like he was still human.

He only wished Al would smile at him again sometime soon.

"Yeah, yeah…" he huffed halfheartedly and they turned to leave the kitchen together. They walked down the short hall and stopped in the doorway to the lounge, Edward leaned against the one side of the wall and looked over the room.

He didn't see Alphonse.

Immediately he looked for Elizabeth, he couldn't even help the jealous rush he felt but it wasn't an angry feeling, only a sad one. When he spotted her though he was relieved, she was talking to some of the other ladies at the party…

He knew it shouldn't bother him if she and Al had slipped away for some privacy, but it  _did_  and he assumed it would for a while still because of how he felt about Alphonse, but it would fade, he hoped.

"You know I still talk to Mei sometimes," Winry said and he looked at her where she stood against the opposite wall, she was looking at Elizabeth across the room too, "I think she'll always have feelings for Al, she always sounds so hopelessly longing and distant when she talks about him, she asks how he is, wants to know what he's up to." Ironically, Winry sounded quite forlorn herself right then and Edward felt a tad guilty, wondering if it was because of how things turned out between them.

"But I'm happy that he's found someone here in Amestris, she's so pretty too and has the same interest in medicine as he does, he's lucky." Winry smiled and glanced at him.

Edward knew it was all true, Elizabeth was just right for Alphonse, he nodded slightly in agreement,

"Yeah, he uh…they are…they're good together." He agreed for a second time that night.

He'd already expected that everyone would just assume Elizabeth was Alphonse's girlfriend, vague introductions and polite denial aside, they looked like a couple, they talked so familiarly and they'd danced so closely…

It made sense, they made sense…

He moved his eyes over the room again and his gaze fell on Mustang, the older man was smiling at someone he was talking to. He looked relaxed, happy, not conflicted or suffering from emotional ailments and when he caught Ed's eye he winked roguishly and Ed nearly rolled his eyes. Instead he turned his gaze to Winry, she had her head tilted slightly, she was leaning back against the wall and looking at him thoughtfully. She was always a pretty sight and her eyes clearly reflected what she was feeling, her love and care and affection so bare…

…so natural.

Just like the way Al had held Elizabeth and talked to her, it was right, it was normal. That's what it should be like to be with someone, there shouldn't be the feeling of sickness, fear, doubt and resentment, it shouldn't have to be a secret and that was all it'd been like between he and Al, because there should be no such thing as romantic love…between siblings.

Edward had never been one to follow the line of wrong and right so easily before, he'd always followed his own moral and legal decisions and broken as many rules as he could while managing to stay alive.

But with Alphonse it wasn't worth the risk of ruining his younger brother's life.

_'So I'm choosing not to be with Alphonse, for Alphonse…'_  he frowned slightly, his gaze had dropped to the tiles, as he contemplated the same decision he'd been so dedicated to for the past few days.

Every time he thought it over again…it sounded less and less like the right choice and it felt it too.

"What about you Ed," Winry asked quietly, "have you met anyone?"

The question was not as simple as it sounded, she wanted to know for personal reasons, whether it was to give her hope for the two of them or just so she could feel good about the fact that she had found someone and he hadn't.

He raised his eyebrows slightly and glanced across the room again, his gaze passing between Elizabeth and Mustang, no matter how much he tried to, Edward just couldn't see his or Al's futures being with either of them.

Then again, he knew it was just because the sad and sick part of him didn't want to let go of Al.

"No, I uh….I haven't," he looked at her and decided to change the subject before she could ask more questions or say anything, "I'm glad you have though," complete lie, he didn't even give much thought to the fact that she was with someone else until right then, "is he from Central or Risembool?"

His questions were only asked to veer the subject away from himself –or Alphonse- but she looked genuinely surprised that he was asking, maybe it was the casualness of his voice that shocked her,

_'Maybe she was hoping I'd be jealous?'_  he blinked,  _'Maybe I should be, it would make more sense than being jealous of Elizabeth being with Alphonse.'_  He told himself irritably.

"He's from Central, I met him when I first moved here. He owns the store that's next to the property I'm renting and he's been helping me out, unpacking boxes, getting set up…then we went to lunch together one afternoon and from there, just kind of started seeing each other." She shrugged her shoulders, a small smile on her face.

Edward didn't know what to say to that, so he just smiled back slightly and wasn't surprised that Winry took it as encouragement to keep talking,

"It's been pretty great, we've gotten really close really fast. I met his family and I've told Granny about him, he's a great boyfriend, we see each other all the time and never argue or disagree…" she bobbed her eyebrows at that part, giving him a pointed look and Edward got the jibe she was directing at him with regards to their own relationship, he just kept up his fake little smile.

What Winry was saying about her new boyfriend –who she hadn't bothered to introduce to him mind you- sounded like a good thing, just like Al and Elizabeth did in theory. If Winry was happy and Al was happy, then he should probably take it as signs that he should get moving too. It'd been a while since he'd actually looked at anyone with an interested eye…

…but not really, since just a few hours earlier he'd given Mustang a rather serious consideration, even if it had been because he'd felt desperately miserable and scared of losing Al at the time.

Edward's skin prickled with that indistinct sensation again at the idea of himself and Mustang getting together like  _that_ , the feeling bothered him though, because it was becoming less unpleasant and was starting to feel just slightly like anticipation and curiosity.

That was no good.

"He asked if I wanted to move in together…" Winry said distantly and Edward raised his eyes from the floor to look at her again, an eyebrow raised since his attention was officially got, he did  **not**  like the sound of that.

Winry wasn't looking at him and he followed her gaze through the crowded room to where the dark haired, tan skinned, taller than himself and –in Ed's opinion- scrawny looking guy was standing and talking to some guys.

He was unremarkable, much like Jackson was, nothing like Elizabeth who stood out very attractively in this room of people, nothing like Winry either because even she was eye catching.

He wasn't good enough for her, that's what Edward felt.

"You're not gonna do that, right?" he frowned and looked back to her, she blinked and looked at him too before she frowned,

"Well, I was thinking about it actually, he-…"

"You barely know the guy." Edward stated flatly, cutting her off, voice serious and expression annoyed.

Winry sent his annoyed look right back at him,

"I know him well enough to know that I-…"

"Are you sleeping with him already?" Edward asked quietly, incredulously, without even thinking of the fact that it wasn't his business, the way she'd said 'well enough' had got his hackles up.

He liked to think that Winry wasn't so fucking stupid to sleep with a guy after knowing him for such a short time.

Winry glared at him openly but her face flushed just a bit,

"That is none of your business, Edward." She stated coldly.

To Edward it translated as a 'yes' because if it was 'no' he didn't think she'd be so defensive or abashed,

"Holy shit you  **are**." He made a face –which he knew was clear disapproval- "Come on Winry, I can't believe you…I never thought you would be so-…"

"So,  **what**?" she asked quietly, blue eyes narrowed and her –deceptively- small fists clenched.

Edward's physical guard went up automatically, with Winry it'd always been a knee-jerk reaction because she was a violent person and he knew it far too well,

"…you know what, it's none of my business." He backed off. He was surprised at himself because he never usually let up so easily, but he didn't want to spare the energy to face her anger.

He was exhausted as it was.

"Exactly, it  **isn't**. It stopped being your business a long time ago." She said with a hurt look on her face and crossed her arms over her chest as she shook her head slowly, "After spending years waiting for you and being strung along to no end, the novelty of suspense and intrigue lost its appeal  _entirely_." She said just audibly over the music, her tone upset.

Edward clenched his jaw, guilt climbed up his throat sorely and he struggled to swallow it down before he let his usual temper and defensiveness speak for him,

"Don't blame me for you being easy."

Ed wasn't even surprised when Winry's body quickly tensed up and within a second her hand was raised and coming at his face, but his reflexes were faster than Winry could ever hope to compete with and while usually he'd let her hit him –with a wrench or hand- he was not okay with it right then.

He caught her wrist easily and firmly, but not gripping tightly enough to hurt her. Her hand was tense and stiff, fingers close together and palm flat and angled showing she'd had the intention to hit him as hard as she could. He'd stopped it a good few inches from his face and the slapping of his hand to her wrist caught a few people's attention nearest to where they stood.

She had traces of tears in her eyes and Edward frowned sadly at her…then she snapped and balled her hand into a fist, pulling it away from him roughly,

"Let go of me!" she yelled and got everyone's attention.

Edward cringed.

He let go of her the moment she yanked her hand back and this time when she slapped at his chest with her hands to shove him into the wall he didn't stop her.

The look in her eyes cut him deep, she looked like she loathed him and all he could think was 'not you too',

"You have no right to say that to me," tears slipped over her red cheeks, "dammit!" she hiccupped quietly, "Dammit Edward." She said the last part so quietly he knew only he'd heard it, even though everyone was staring at them.

When she turned away, shaking her head and starting to sob as she walked away from him, he didn't try to stop her. He clenched his jaw and didn't look at anyone as he walked away from the kitchen hall toward the bedrooms and bathroom hall, his body was tense and he wanted very badly to hit something.

_'Why…why couldn't I just shut the fuck up?'_

He heard someone –probably the scrawny guy- call after Winry just as he was passing the closed bathroom door, he cursed inwardly because that was where he'd been headed but he continued walking to the where he knew the guest bedroom was.

Edward clenched his fist and raised his arm the moment he walked into the dark room, eyes set on the nearest spot he could punch, he felt every muscle in his arm tighten and he had every intent of cracking the plaster on the wall and making his knuckles bleed until he heard a voice that sapped his tension effortlessly,

"Edward?"

He immediately turned back to the doorway, thinking Al had followed him but then he turned his head again to look into the room since the doorway was empty and he saw Alphonse standing up beside the bed, he'd apparently already been in the bedroom.

Edward wondered for a brief second why Al was alone in the room, his eyes glanced over his younger brother quickly as he assessed that Alphonse was unharmed or hurt, not visibly upset or ill, aside from his pale complexion.

He felt nervous suddenly, having been worried throughout the evening of the moment he'd be alone with Al and have to confront their problems. Now was the best time he'd get, he supposed, but his guts were all tangled up because of the suddenness of finding himself face to face with Alphonse, all of his regret and confusion vying for his attention at once. He had to say something, he knew, before Al took his silence as a bad thing,

"You okay Al, what are you doing in here in the dark?" he asked, glancing awkwardly to the floor and blinking a few times.

He was vaguely aware of the dull murmur from the living room down the hall and he realised that any anger and anxiety he'd been feeling over Winry was completely gone.

His attention was automatically, solely on Alphonse.

Realising but not surprised by his totally tunnelled focus on his younger brother, he took note for the first time that Al was holding something –a coat- and he put it down on the bed next to a pile of other jackets before he gave Edward a concerned look,

"What just happened?" he asked, ignoring Ed's own question.

He wasn't surprised by that either, Al had more than likely heard Winry shout and Edward internally braced himself for a rebuke from his brother for when the younger blonde found out what he'd said to her. For the moment though he hoped to avoid getting a look of disapproval from Al by answering vaguely,

"I uh...well," he scrunched his face up, remembering how hurt Winry had looked, "I fucked up, like I always do, ya know." He tried to laugh but the sound was weak and sore to his tense throat.

Edward was trying to keep the strongest of his tumultuous emotions off of his face and out of his voice and his throat was taking strain, as well as the palms of his hands since he was clenching his fists painfully.

He didn't want to focus on his internal upset so he just let himself absorb Alphonse's over all presence, the slightly confused and wide eyed expression on his face, the way his hair fell to the side in its usual way, soft and dark blonde in the shadows of the room. It was unusual for Al to wear all black clothes without a single other colour to break it and Ed found it suited him.

Without warning his emotions broke the surface, going against all his efforts, and his eyes burned, his heart ached and his throat closed up.

He wanted nothing more to than to be close to Alphonse right then, to feel his living, breathing body and be able to hope that everything would be alright again. Edward moved forward without hesitation and didn't even stop to consider Al's unsure facial expression before he grabbed his shoulders and pulled the younger blonde into himself, crushing him in a tight hug with his arms around Al's mid torso and his neck.

He was impossibly relieved when a second later he felt Alphonse's arms encircle him the same way –tightly- as well and a deep shaken breath was exhaled against his shoulder. Al's warm palms pressed flat to his back and between his shoulder blades before his fingers clenched and Ed felt his grip tighten in the shirt he wore…

…desperate clutching hands…just like Edward's own in Al's shirt.

He felt calm run through him and he smiled with wonderful relief against Alphonse's shoulder,

"I'm sorry I didn't call you, I'm sorry about leaving you like that Alphonse," he started in a breathy strained hush against Al's shoulder. He'd been scared and unsure of where to begin with his apologies but he just allowed the words to flow uninterrupted, "I'm sorry I always fuck up  _everything_. You're not angry at me? I thought you'd be angry, you looked at me...you looked so angry when I got here, I'm sorry for everything..." He flexed his fingers a few times in Al's shirt and hugged him tighter still.

Feeling his warmth, his chest heaving from emotionally exerted breathing and even the slight tremble in his frame.

Edward never wanted to be apart from Alphonse, hell, right then he didn't even want to let go.

Alphonse was all he had, precious beyond words to him, irreplaceable by anyone or anything.

"Edward…" he heard Alphonse say his name and felt the shudder of his breathing at the same time, his voice was tight with emotion and Ed hated to hear the distress but with how Al squeezed him tightly back, he knew that at least the emotions were not bad. Alphonse stuttered breathlessly a few times and Ed just knew what was coming before Al finally sobbed out an, "...I'm fucking sorry." into Edward's neck and he said at the same time,

"I love you Al,  **I'm**  sorry..." because he didn't think Al should apologise to him.

The soft wetness from his younger brother's eyes against his skin along with the heat of his shaking breath broke Edward down, he closed his own wet eyes and felt the moisture on his lashes threaten to form tears and while he didn't want to pull back he did anyway because he needed to see Al's face.

When he pulled back and placed his hand on Al's cold cheek he didn't for a second think that he shouldn't be so touchy and close and teary with his brother while they were in public, it didn't even cross his mind that male siblings didn't behave this way with one another.

All he cared about was that he needed to be close to Al and no one was going to tell him different.

"I love you too Edward, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry..." Alphonse said with twitching pale lips and Edward's eyes betrayed him for a second and flitted from the soft, adoring gaze to Al's mouth. He wondered for a split second if Al's lips would be as cold as his skin was but he let his eyes close to block out the inappropriate thought as Alphonse readjusted the grip on his shirt and sniffed cutely.

_'It's too late, I love him that way already…I can't change it, I just have to deal with it.'_  He told himself for the hundredth time and he refocused his mind on his earlier resolve and his brotherly affection. He had to let Al  **go**  and he had to let go as well and be a big brother.

"Are you okay, you look sick...?" he asked evenly and softly as he ran his thumb under Al's eye, making Al blink once quickly and then he moved his hand down to the side of his neck. Edward scolded himself inwardly for the caress but Alphonse didn't seem to mind the far too tender touch leaned forward almost absently as he nodded,

"I was, I got sick after you left...well I got worse," Edward felt sick with guilty instantly, "I was already...anyway..." he shook his head and Ed watched him frown "...what about you, where were you?"

The question should have been expected but Edward didn't want to answer, he didn't want to tell Al that he'd been so fucking weak and drunken himself into unconsciousness, and then puked on himself. He didn't want to tell Alphonse he had been too much of a coward to face him, too scared to go home…too in love to be told he was no longer wanted by a person he shouldn't have been with in the first place…

He laughed mirthlessly as he struggled with the painful emotions, he hated it…he wished he didn't feel this way about Alphonse, it had been easier to deal with before he'd succumbed to loving his own brother…because now he knew just how amazing Al was in  _every way_  and he could not just un-feel the things he'd uncovered in himself for Alphonse.

He only wished he'd known he was falling so he could have caught himself but as he smiled bitterly at his younger sibling, Edward knew he'd never been particular insightful of anyone, least of all himself, when it came to emotions. Al was looking at him expectantly so he knew he had to say something,

"I'm  _pathetic_ Al, I fell apart the moment I left you...can you believe it?" he cuffed his free hand back through his bangs while keeping his other against Al's neck, the skin there had warmed to his palm and he loved the feeling of it, "After all these years I still can't handle fighting w-ith you."

He swore he'd start crying just looking at the sad confused expression on Al's face so he pulled the younger man into another hug, encasing Al by his shoulders and holding him flush to his body.

Alphonse again hugged him back without hesitation, his arms going around Ed's torso and Ed heard him sniff, moving his face in a slightly nuzzling motion against Ed's neck and it warmed his heart…and his blood…

_'I shouldn't be holding him like this.'_  Edward told himself but didn't let go, if anything he held tighter.

He'd been a little sad when he felt Al pull back but he wasn't expecting the kiss to his cheek that followed and it was so close to his mouth that Edward panicked for a second, wondering if Alphonse would try to kiss him and more than that…he was scared of how he'd react…

…because he knew he shouldn't even consider kissing Alphonse, but he also knew a part of him wanted to.

His confusion on the matter was quickly replaced by hot shock flashing through him at the sound of someone huffing, and it wasn't Al. He pulled back slowly from Alphonse and didn't move away completely; the logical part of his mind insisted that a reaction like that would make the two of them look suspicious of  _something_.

So instead he kept close enough that his hands were holding Al's upper arms lightly but there was reasonable –platonic- space between them, and Alphonse seemed to have the same idea since he didn't pull away quickly or too much either. In fact his hands had stopped to rest low on Ed's flanks so casually that he wondered if Al even realised where his hands were right then.

But he didn't draw attention to it, showing any sort of notice to the placement of hands would look odd to Mustang, who was standing near the doorway and looking bored and somewhat amused as he stared at them with one hand in his pants pocket and the flicking the light switch on.

He squinted against the brightness and he and Al both decided at that moment it was appropriate timing to separate from their –questionably- close embrace.

Edward was a little worried about Mustang's possible reaction to what he'd just seen but the concern faded as the older man's lips formed a lazy smile,

"So you made up with Alphonse at least, Ed, now you should go and apologise to Winry for  _whatever_ you said to her." he said blandly and Edward felt his worry completely leave him at the easiness of Roy's voice.

Edward sighed as his tension left him, he felt tired and kind of content now having been forgiven by Al so the Winry episode seemed far less stressful,

"I can't apologise now, it's too soon...Winry's a lot like me, she needs time to cool off." He mumbled and shook his head, knowing it would be impossible to reason with Winry for at least 24 hours.

"What happened?" Alphonse's question made him look to his younger brother still standing beside him with a slight frown on his face. It was the second time Al had asked and this time he knew a proper answer was expected and he frowned as well thinking of the nasty thing he'd said to Winry.

She hadn't deserved it, not the way he'd said it anyway.

His tiredness urged him to sit down so he turned away from Alphonse and Mustang and walked toward the bed where Al had been when he'd walked in,

"I...I may have...indirectly called her a..." there was no way to make what he'd said sound any less like an asshole thing to say, "I kind of said she was...easy, implied that she's slutty." He finished as he picked up the coat in the spot on the bed he wanted to sit in and dropped it on the pile of jackets before he sat down with a huff.

When Mustang asked if he'd said that out of jealousy over the guy Winry had come with Edward couldn't help scoffing at the suggestion,

"Jealous?" he said as drolly as he could and leaned his elbows on his knees, staring down at the untied laces of his boots, "No fucking way, that guy is some asshole she met just after moving to Central a  **month**  ago and she's calling him her  _boyfriend_." Saying it aloud made it sound as stupid as it had when she'd said it to him and he saw Mustang raise an eyebrow so he went on, "She said that she thinks the relationship is serious and they might move in together..." he half rolled his eyes and then cocked an eyebrow, "...after a fucking month? Please...so I told her what I thought of it." He ended dully, linking his fingers together absently, thinking inwardly that he'd been right.

Winry shouldn't be so easy and she certainly shouldn't have blamed it on him.

_'I never told her to wait for me…'_  he thought irritably but still he felt guilty, because he'd never told her  _not_  to wait for him either.

"You told her she was being easy." Roy filled in, sounding amused.

Edward answered to the affirmative and then glanced at Alphonse, wondering at his silence on the subject, he'd thought for sure Al would have chewed him out for saying something so crass to a girl in general, let alone Winry,

"...no lecture Al, you're not gonna tell me how rude and terrible I am to say that to her?" he asked with a small smile hoping he wasn't inciting the younger's anger when it came to him being insensitive and tactless.

But instead all he received was an distracted shake of the head from Alphonse, his disinterest on the subject actually confused Ed but he chose not to question it, if Al wasn't angry at him over it, he certainly wasn't about to ask why. He was just about to look back to his scuffed boots when he noticed –in the light and up closer to Al than he'd been most of the night- that the younger blonde was wearing a familiar shirt,

"Is that my shirt?" he asked.

Again Al's reaction was stiff, he just nodded and Edward managed a smile as he looked over the younger blonde again, noticing that it fit him  _very_  nicely especially since he'd filled out properly since his last sick stint. It occurred to Ed that Al was sick again and he worried that he'd start to lose weight again, with a small sigh he dragged his gaze away from Alphonse and looked to Mustang.

The older man had been looking at Alphonse with a small frown on his face, but he looked at Edward right then,

"Is Gracia upset?" he redirected the conversation away from himself and Al.

Mustang looked ever lazy as he slipped both hands into his pockets and said she was fine, just worried about Winry. Edward found himself nodding, making a mental note to apologise to Gracia soon, he thought it was ridiculous how many times in recent months he'd come to Gracia's and made an unpleasant scene of some sort.

He laughed quietly, disappointed in himself,

"Fuck, what a week...I'm exhausted." He exhaled and sat up to look at Al directly, his gaze soft, "I'm just relieved you don't hate me or something Al..." he lowered his eyes "…I really am sor..." Ed trailed off as he stared at the pile of jackets next to him, he'd noticed a familiar design in the top most coat.

_'Flamel?'_  he frowned to himself, finding it very odd that someone would be walking around with a jacket bearing the mark of his teacher and thereafter more well known as the symbol of the Fullmetal Alchemist himself. He reached for the jacket as he stood up and opened it out so he could see the design properly.

As he held it up and took in the detailed pattern, the strong smell of new unworn leather and the pristine condition of the jacket, the familiarity of the coat hit him hard and winded him slightly,

_'This is my jacket…'_  he remembered then that when he'd walked in Al had put it down on the bed and he turned his eyes to his sibling.

Alphonse looked…angry.

Many strange ideas of why his jacket was there and Al was angry about it flashed through his mind but he settled on the most likely one,

_'He found the jacket…he found the safe…he must have opened it.'_  Edward dreaded the idea because in that safe were quite a few unused, groundbreaking, secret and untested alchemical equations and arrays as well as personal –R rated- letters from Winry.

Admittedly, he was more worried about the alchemy work being discovered, because to Alphonse -who didn't know any better- it would seem like Ed was hiding his work from him, it would seem as though he didn't trust Al.

But really, he thought miserably as he clutched the jacket and blinked a few times at Al, he didn't actually trust himself enough to divulge that information.

Because he was a coward to say it and to deal with the reaction to it.

"This...t-this is my jacket, Al?" he asked uselessly, of course it was his, it had been  _made_  for him.

"Yes, it is." Al said irritably.

Edward felt his insides knot up all over again and he looked back to the coat, hoping there was some simple reason for the coat being there –instead of where he'd put it so he didn't have to feel useless and empty whenever he looked at it- causing problems,

"You...wore it here, you...uh…did you find it when you found the shirt?" he asked, knowing he sounded scared and hating it.

Mustang was standing right there, looking between them and the coat with a slight frown on his face, obviously not understanding the significance of something as ordinary as a jacket.

Alphonse was clenching his jaw now and shaking his head, Edward felt his anxiety spike and his stomach instantly started to hurt from the intense look of betrayal on Al's face,

"No, I went  _looking_ for it because it occurred to me that after so many  **months**  you still had never worn it and then I found it stuffed in its original packaging right in the  _bottom_  of your wardrobe." He said in a clipped tone, voice tense with emotion and one eye narrowed slightly.

The words sunk in as Edward's eyes looked nervously over Alphonse and then he glanced at Mustang, the older man raised a questioning eyebrow and Ed looked back to Al. He didn't know what to say, he didn't want to get into this, he didn't want to have to blurt out a confession about his lack of alchemy because of a fucking jacket!

His lack of answer only served to make Al more cross though and the younger cut his arms through the air sharply, as he raised them,

"Did you hate it that fucking much, Edward?" the older blonde flinched at the harsh tone, "I tried to recreate something that meant so much to you with that gift, something from when you were the Fullmetal Alchemist."

Edward had again glanced at Mustang, knowing the older man was listening and from the look of vague understanding dawning on his face Ed knew he'd figured out why the jacket was a problem for him, knowing the piece of information Alphonse lacked helped him draw a conclusion and it made Ed feel guiltier.

He knew Alphonse would be  **furious**  and hurt and if he found out that Roy had known something so important that Edward had kept a secret from him…

…just like that all confidence drained from Ed and he just wanted Al to stop glaring at him.

"I know that title meant something to you, but you couldn't wear your red coat anymore so...I..." Al stopped talking and he was shocked when Al whirled around on Roy and rudely told the older man to  _get out_. It was so unlike the younger blonde to talk that way to anyone. But the anger –disgust?- in his tone worried Edward more than anything.

When Mustang glanced at him with a questioning look he nodded, telling him without words to do as Al demanded. Roy turned to leave and Ed was glad he'd closed the door behind himself because from how angry Al looked he was sure he was about to get told off quite harshly. The younger blonde raised an eyebrow, tears lining his eyes as he looked at Ed again,

"If you hated my gift, you should have just said so Edward." He narrowed his golden eyes and Ed felt himself slip further into his misery, his guilt was land sliding, caving in and increasing the weight in his stomach and while he so badly wanted to tell Al the truth and just be done with the secret, at the same time he just  _couldn't_  make things worse between them by dumping that on Al.

"Are you kidding me, Al?" he decided to try to stop it from turning into something ugly, "I  **love**  i-..."

"Don't  **lie,**  Edward." Alphonse cut him off, tone as cold as ice as he stomped his foot, "If you loved it then it wouldn't have been lying in the bottom of your wardrobe  _untouched_." He spat in a harsh whisper.

Edward couldn't even feel grateful that Al was keeping his voice down because he was trying not to cry and scream and just fucking hit himself, hit something, he needed to just stop being confused and feeling lost for a second, he just needed to get his bearings.

He couldn't do it anymore, he couldn't defend himself, he was exhausted,

"I'm sorry, I don't want to fight with you anymore please," he sounded pathetic, he sounded broken and it was okay, because it was for Alphonse, "I love the jacket Alphonse, I promise I do." He told the truth quietly, frown on his face deepening as his voice broke.

Of course he loved it…but he couldn't wear it, he was not what the jacket represented, he could not wear it without feeling like he was wearing a lie, trying to compensate for something that he was missing.

Alphonse shook his head, making a sound of annoyance,

"You didn't answer my question Edward, if you love it then  **why**  did you never wear it? Or even take it out of the fucking box? And why..." his eyes widened "...and why didn't you answer me when I asked you where you were the past three days?"

There is was, another question he didn't want to answer and admit to.

He never had to lie to Al before, he'd never wanted to, he still didn't…but it wasn't so easy between them anymore. Nothing was easy.

_'Nothing is_ _ **ever**_ _easy.'_  He continued to back down and decided to give a little information, because it was easier than lying completely but wouldn't be as hurtful as just telling the whole truth.

So he confessed in a weak, tired voice to staying in a hotel, getting pissed drunk and passing out, he told Al he'd gone to see Mustang after that –watched the look on Al's face twist to contempt- and then he made it worse by admitting he'd stayed over there for a night but stated clearly he'd slept on the couch. It was obvious Al thought something about him and Mustang was weird and while he thought it wasn't fair that Al should care –considering Elizabeth- right then wasn't the time to be wondering why or pointing it out.

So he went on, getting as much as he could off his chest without just spilling his guts and making Al more miserable,

"And the jacket Al...it, I..." he was having some trouble figuring out a way to do just that but Al wasn't giving an inch, he crossed his arms over his chest and looked stonier than before on the subject, he  _wanted_  an explanation and Edward understood, he deserved one anyway so Ed told him as plainly as he could, "...Alphonse, I'm  **not**  the Fullmetal Alchemist anymore."

And the words came out shaken and miserable, just like he felt right then. Alphonse looked confused by his answer, like it didn't make sense and Ed supposed that to him it wouldn't,

"I loved the thought behind the gift and the sentiment but what the jacket stands for...it's not me anymore, I can't wear this." He finished quietly and gave the jacket he held one bitter look but continued to hold on to it.

It was so valuable, it was what he could never be again so he loved and hated it.

"Edward, of course you  **can** , you are still, you'll always be..." Alphonse was saying but Edward just shook his head firmly and looked his younger brother dead in the eye, letting him see the gravity and the emptiness in his eyes on the subject,

"No, I'm not..." he hated seeing the confused sadness on Al's face, "...just stop fighting with me okay?" he said quickly, not wanting Al to find another problem to pick on.

They had so many to contend with as it was.

Alphonse stared at him sadly, many questions clearly going through his mind rapidly and Edward waited a painful, worried minute before Al nodded slowly and swallowed thickly,

"Okay, no more fighting..." he agreed quietly.

Edward felt slightly relieved again and Alphonse just continued to stare at him, questions that Edward could not answer hung between them. Ed didn't want there to be silence right then and there was another issue that needed clarity, the issue they'd had before Winry, before the jacket…the issue of where they stood with one another.

"So, you and Elizabeth look...uh..." he broached the subject awkwardly, trying to smile when he really didn't want to, "...you guys look good together, I saw you dancing with her." He said to Al's slightly raised eyebrow, "Very smooth little br-…ah," he could have choked on the word for how quickly the younger blonde paled, "Al, I'm happy for you." He recovered but it was too late, he'd already fucked up again.

The last he'd said 'little brother' was the last time they'd argued and he'd ended up sleeping in a hotel, drunk, that night. He thought himself the epitome of idiocy for using the once fondly spoken words too soon after that horrible incident between them.

Still pale and looking uncomfortable all of a sudden, Alphonse asked quietly,

"What do you mean you're happy for me?"

Ed shifted the jacket hanging over his one arm and brushed his hair out of his face,

"Havoc said you guys are a couple, or well, he said it seemed like you were cause' Elizabeth turned him down and said she was involved with someone." He explained with the same forced little smile.

Havoc had complained about that to him when they'd been watching Gracia open her presents, it'd been another blow to Ed's battered feelings which was why he'd sought out the whiskey in the kitchen straight after.

Alphonse wasn't smiling.

"You're happy for me?" he said a few seconds later, eyes slightly wide and face tense, , "So, you...it doesn't bother you, that I'd be...with someone else?" he asked as a follow up before Ed could answer the first question.

Al's tone was quiet but serious.

Edward absorbed his words, wondering just what Alphonse was asking him, it could be either that he wanted to know it Ed was okay with him being with Elizabeth or that he was hurt because Ed was okay with him being with someone else. It could mean many things, it could be just a question…but it couldn't be any less complicated and sensitive a subject.

He had to answer, he had to say what was right even if he really didn't know anymore just what the fuck he wanted or what was right and wrong…

…or no…he did know…he was just starting to care less. And that was dangerous for Alphonse and himself.

They had lives to live and they'd had it hard for long enough, it was time to stop going against the grain and let normalcy and society take its place in their lives. Incest was not normal.

He shook his head –to himself more than Al- but contradicted his action with his words,

"It's right, she's right for you Alphonse. She's beautiful, she's genuine and she makes you happy, I've seen it now and before when I first met her Al, she's-..."

" **You**..." Alphonse cut him off, staring at him so intently Edward felt like he was trying to  _will_  the answers he needed to hear out of Ed "...would it  _bother_   **you** , would it  _hurt_   **you**?" he specified and Ed wondered hopelessly just what answer Al was looking for.

_'Does he want it to be okay so he can be with her…or…does he still want…me…?'_  but then he shut the thought down because the second part didn't matter, he had to remember that what was  _right_  mattered.

This time when he shook his head it was because his chest was aching, he was doing it, he was letting go,

"No Al," he said firmly, "if she makes you happy, I'm happy...and you look happy with her."

Alphonse frowned and Edward saw through his confusion for just that moment, he didn't know how he knew, but he just did. Al needed to **hear**  it, he needed one hundred percent confirmation that Edward meant it, that it was over.

Al had asked him to make the decision, he remembered sorely, during the kitchen table incident when he'd told Ed that he was weak, when he'd asked Ed not to allow himself to be taken advantage of.

So that was what needed to happen…Edward had to do the final break up…because Al wasn't able to.

"I actually think it's better if you're with her and if I find someone else." He said with the emptiest smile he'd ever had and he saw Al's face fall from a frown to mirror his own empty expression, "that way we can be brothers again like we both wanted and there'll be no more fighting, no more resentment..." he kept talking even as his body started to numb by the sight of Al's eyes widening and his lips parting in quiet shock, "I don't want you to end up hating me...because I need you Al, you know that." His voice cracked right at the end, shaken and throat sore.

And then there was silence between them and Al just stared at him.

"Okay." Alphonse said after a breathless quiet moment.

It wasn't enough for Edward, it wasn't even enough for Al, he could tell,

"I want to always be with you Al, you're my brother, my  **only** brother, you're  **all**... **all**  that I have..." he said those words as they echoed through his mind, like they always did, "...I can't lose you, I can't live with you hating me or resenting me. So be happy with Elizabeth because that's normal and it's  _right_ and I'll still be here,  _always_ …" because he would, because he couldn't live without him, "… _always,_ Al." he could hardly breathe by the end.

He was trying to get a reaction out of Alphonse but there was none, not a single reaction, he just stared, pale, cold and empty looking. Edward didn't know how it was that no matter what he said or did…it always felt fucking  **wrong**.

So wrong that Al looked like he was cracking from the inside, tears welling up in his eyes slowly, lips moving but no words coming out, his eyes darting from left to right in confusion…

…Edward grabbed him quickly and held him, told him he loved him over and over and over…so he'd hopefully never forget.

The nature of his words of 'love' meant everything and anything but he didn't tell Al that and he didn't think the younger blonde knew, because it was  _wrong_ , and Edward just held him close and he felt Alphonse go slightly slack in his hold…

…and then he was clutching Edward again.

But he was also crying quietly and Edward thought he'd rather be stabbed a million times because really, the pain he felt was no different, but the cause of it was and he truly hated himself more right then than he ever had before.

* * *

It was still wrong.

Even though he'd done the 'right' thing and pushed Alphonse in the 'right' direction, his younger brother looked even more miserable than he had before and was treating him like a stranger, keeping him at an impersonal distance. That last hug he'd received in Gracia's guest bedroom the other night had been the last proper contact he'd had with Al at all.

Presently it was Sunday, late morning and an hour earlier Alphonse had finished breakfast –that Ed had made, trying to restore normalcy between them- and then he'd immediately retreated to his bedroom, mumbling something about university and he left Edward to sit alone at the kitchen table and stare into his empty juice glass and breakfast plate miserably.

He'd been trying since Saturday morning, after spending the night awake, red eyed and in emotional pain, completely unable to sleep, he'd went into the kitchen with the resolute decision that he would make  _every_ effort to let Al know he was fine with his younger blonde being with Elizabeth, to encourage it even.

Edward had made a quick breakfast, he'd offered Al tea when he walked into the kitchen fifteen minutes later –looking as shitty as Ed had felt- with his best smile.

But from that moment, all he'd received was a detached politeness, and sometimes not even the politeness.

Alphonse was behaving like he was a zombie of some sort, like he was just going through the motions. He seemed numb and unhappy and it –as it always fucking did- made Edward feel worse and worse.

He didn't give up though, he'd continued to reach out, asked if Al wanted to go out and do something. He'd been willing to go to a movie, he remembered Al saying he wanted to do that at some point, but Alphonse had just declined in a static tone of voice. So Ed had tried some more, joking, teasing in a brotherly way, initiating innocent contact –if only to feel whether Al's skin was still warm and alive- but nothing, nothing got a proper reaction out of the younger blonde.

Very quickly it started to terrify Edward; he could not live with Alphonse walking around as if he were dead inside. It hadn't even been that way when his younger brother hadn't had a body, it could not and  **should**  not be that way now. But he didn't know how to stop it or exactly what was making Al act that way, but he'd started to puzzle it out with determination after the umpteenth brush off as he sat at the kitchen table alone, listening to the clock tick.

He'd thought maybe Al had gotten into his safe after all, after Alphonse hadn't mentioned the safe on Friday he'd assumed the younger blonde either hadn't noticed it –unlikely- or had just not thought much of it. But after Al had been so cold and unfeeling toward him on Saturday morning, Ed had backtracked and checked the safe, just in case Al had gotten into it and had discovered his hidden materials.

But when he'd checked everything had looked exactly as he'd remembered it leaving it inside the safe. Alphonse hadn't bothered to clean up after himself to hide that he'd been rummaging through the wardrobe in the first place. Edward had found the apparel box lying on the floor along with its inner tissue wrapping, the blanket he'd covered it with was lying where it had been obviously tossed, his wardrobes had all been left open, the hangers pushed and clumped together randomly, his drawers slightly open and the inner contents untidy.

The safe had been untouched in all of that mess.

So he was left now still trying to figure out what was wrong or what he could do about it, he was feeling lost and guilty still, nothing had gotten any better, only worse. He rubbed at his face irritably and propped his elbows up on the table before he sighed heavily and pushed his chair out, getting to his bare feet and picking his empty glass up along with his plate. Slowly, quietly, Edward piled the dishes beside the sink and proceeded to fill warm soapy water into it before he started to wash the dishes.

His mind was elsewhere, his face seemed settled in a permanent frown as he considered his sibling. Alphonse was behaving in a severely apathetic manner, Edward had never seen him the way he was now. He recalled that Al had acted sort of similar that morning when he'd climbed into Ed's bed and started feeling him up, all hands and body on board but his eyes had been vacant and his pupils dilated. It had taken quite a lot of riling him up with words before Ed had been able to get an actual reaction out of him.

But this was not the same, not only did Al's pupils look normal for the most part, but he was avoiding Edward so openly it was offensive. He wasn't even trying to hide it or disguise it like he used to and he looked utterly  _empty_  and contemptuous whenever he did make eye contact with Ed _._

Al was acting as though he just existed, drifting miserably around the apartment. His face held no expression except the occasional frown or a plainly forced and not all that pleasant smile –or snort- as a response whenever Ed tried to make conversation or a joke.

Edward shook his head as he finished off the last of the few breakfast dishes and switched off the cold water, he stared down at his wet hands, flexing his right hand and vaguely remembering the way his fingers used to clink together when they'd been metal.

For a moment he thought of how easy it was to forget how painful or unpleasant something had once been after a person had overcome it, but then he glanced down at his automail foot and wiggled his toes, listening to the familiar clink. No, he couldn't ever really forget what he'd done, he'd forever be reminded of what he'd lost, what he'd sacrificed, his mistakes and all of his hardships to get Alphonse back.

And Alphonse's living and breathing body would always be a reminder that he needed to be eternally appreciative to have his little brother alive and well.

_'But Al doesn't have a reminder, maybe the closeness we used to share before all of this doesn't mean the same to him, because he has more now than he had before. I'm no longer his only hope, or his only option…'_  Edward leaned on the sink and frowned down at the soap suds left behind,  _'…but he gave himself to me, he did need me and want me. I'm the one who couldn't accept it.'_  He sighed and shook his head.

Despite incest being wrong, if he looked beyond the social and legal restrictions, really, Alphonse had given him the highest honour, given him the best of himself, all of himself. He'd wanted Edward to share in his perfection, to enjoy the fruits of their long suffering together, to be together in every way. Alphonse had stopped caring about what should and should not be…he'd just wanted them to be with one another completely.

_'In a perfect world, maybe it'd be so easy Alphonse…in a world where incest wouldn't matter, wouldn't be sick, it'd be different.'_  He smiled sadly. They didn't live in their ideal world, they never had and never would and there would always be rules and people judging and right and wrong and blood and brotherhood between them.

It was reality that got in the way of fantasy, but such was life.

All a person could really do was make the most of it.

He grabbed the dishcloth and dried his hands off quickly, thinking of the better point in their situation, he still had Alphonse. The younger blonde hadn't left him yet and Edward would still do all he could to keep it that way, if Al wanted his company Edward would oblige and if Al didn't want him around all the time, then he would adhere to that as well, as long as Al never told him to go and never come back.

Right then, since the younger blonde was closed into his bedroom, Edward assumed he wasn't wanted around. And he certainly didn't want Al feeling like he was forced to hide in his bedroom, this apartment had been for Al in the beginning and it still was, everything was for Alphonse. The apartment was his home and Edward would not make him uncomfortable by hanging around when he wasn't needed.

So he made his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth and then he'd get dressed and head out for the day.

* * *

Edward hadn't immediately known what he would go out and do but once he was dressed in his usual black clothes, jeans and T shirt, and had tied his hair into a neat ponytail, his long blond hair reminded him of Winry and that decided for him what good he could do with his afternoon.

As he ran his hands through his ponytail he thought about many years back, when he'd first started growing his hair out during his automail recovery, Winry had been the one to braid his hair and make neat ponytails since she'd been managing her own hair for a few years by then. He remembered quite fondly how she'd even sat patiently with him once his automail was working well enough and taught him how to do it for himself, helping him whenever his hair would snag in the joints or the bolts of his fingers.

Because Al had been unable to help him…his hands had been as large as Edward's head at the time.

Edward shook the miserable thought from his head and grabbed his stuff off his bedside table, deciding he'd given Winry enough time to cool off, if he was going to go out he might as well make the trip to apologise to her.

As he left his bedroom he remembered where Winry had said she was staying,

_'Stamford Street in North Central, above the property for her new Rockbell Automail shop…that shouldn't be too hard to find.'_  He decided. He'd walked longer distances than Stamford Street was from there and finding an up and coming automail shop would be easy as pie.

He had just come to stand at Alphonse's closed bedroom door, sadness snaking its way through him automatically, when he realised Winry didn't live too far from where Roy did, so he figured he'd make a double trip.

He didn't have a reason to visit Mustang, except maybe to find out about work for the new week, but seeing a smiling face after dealing with Alphonse's cold shoulder and whatever he'd have to face at Winry's sounded like a hell of a great idea.

He knocked quickly on Alphonse's bedroom door and after a second he heard a tense but audible 'come in'. He didn't try to keep the hurt off his face as he opened the door, not going inside in case Al didn't want him any closer than he already was, his eyes settled on Alphonse where he sat on his bed reading,

"Hey Al, I just wanted to let you know I'm going to see Winry…"  _'…to give you some time alone.'_  He watched as Al didn't even look at him, slowly turning a page in the book he was reading as he sat slumped back into his pillows propped against the wall, "...she told me on Friday where she's staying and if I call she'll probably just hang up on me." Al stopped reading –his eyes stilled and then averted from the book- that was the only indication Ed received that he was being listened to, "I need to apologise for what I said so I have to go see her, I had no right or reason to say that to her." He admitted.

Even if she was being easy, he really shouldn't have said that to her, it wasn't his place.

"Fine." Was all his younger brother had to say before his eyes drifted back to the text in the book.

Edward felt extremely hurt, Alphonse wouldn't even look at him? He wished he knew why…he wished he had the guts to ask…

He dropped his eyes to the ground and gripped the door handle a bit tighter, his idea that he needed to give Alphonse time away from him seemed more sound right then, and part of him wanted some room to breathe as well,

"...uh, I might go see Mustang too, depending on how long I take at Winry's." this time Al did look at him, one sharp glance, "I need to find out about work for next week and they don't stay very far apart so I'll get both over with." He quickly explained himself.

It was a reflex more than anything else, with Alphonse giving him such accusing glares since the party on Friday, he felt like he had to give reasons where Mustang was concerned. But really, he knew he didn't have to, because it was time to move on and Al should be focussing on himself and Elizabeth.

The mental question of 'so why isn't he?', Edward didn't allow himself to answer, because the answer had to do with the two of them and what he suspected Alphonse still wanted between them. But he couldn't know for sure without asking and he wouldn't ask because ending their incestuous relationship was something Al had indirectly asked him to do, so nothing else mattered but the fact that they had to be strong…he had to be strong for both of them.

"Okay, see you later." Alphonse said quietly, voice low and tense.

Edward wanted to blurt out that he loved Alphonse and ask that he please look at him, but he swallowed it down and exhaled tiredly before he stepped back out of the doorway and closed the door quietly, staring at the handle for a moment before he let it go.

_'Just let it go…'_

He clenched his hands again as he walked away toward the main door because they were shaking.

* * *

Edward walked all the way to Stamford Street at a nice relaxing pace, taking a good hour to do so and enjoying the outside air –not suffocating or cold- and the lively people around him –not detached and unhappy- and listening to his boots scuff the sidewalks and streets as he went.

It was familiar. He smiled slightly to himself, thinking that all he needed to complete the moment of nostalgia was the swishing of his red coat behind him, the clinking of the chain of his State Alchemist watch against his belt and the sound of heavy reassuring steel footsteps beside him…and the voice that he loved right along with it.

His smile faded though as he realised he was missing a time when Alphonse hadn't had a body or a real life. He hated that he thought about times like that fondly. Were things really so bad now that he missed having a hollow armour, inhabited by his brother's soul as opposed to the living, breathing one he'd left alone at the apartment? The one who now had his beautiful eyes back but wouldn't even look at Edward….

Were things really so bad…that he felt like it would be better to be loved by Al in any form rather than loathed by him in the flesh, with a heart that could hurt and a mind that could hate?

He glanced around, swallowing tensely at the thought as he walked into a busier section of the street and figured he should start paying more attention now that he was in the right place. So he did and he walked along the busy sidewalks looking into every shop that wasn't busy and looked vacant or new to see if he could spot any sign that it might be Winry's shop.

Of course, he didn't have to look so hard because he managed to spot it effortlessly since Winry already had signage up even though the place wasn't open. He glanced at the 'opening soon' sign hanging inside of the glass on the doors and then leaned around it to look inside since the shop windows were all papered up –most likely until the shop was set up properly.

He couldn't see much inside, a few lights were on but he could only make out a lot of boxes and part of a long counter running across part of the store. He leaned back and figured he could take the chance of just going in, the worst that could happen was that Winry might beat the crap of him if he surprised her and thought he was an intruder or burglar. He blinked slowly as he considered the fact that she probably had a box full of wrenches somewhere in there and instead knocked  **loudly**  on the doors first.

And then again and again but there was no answer after several times, so he finally tried the handle, he'd been expecting it to be locked because how could she be inside and not have heard him rattling her doors? But it opened smoothly when he turned the handle and pushed the door in.

He frowned slightly, wondering if she was upstairs in her apartment and thinking it was pretty irresponsible to leave the shop unattended and full of open boxes filled with expensive parts and stuff. Edward truly thought she might be losing her mind as he stepped inside,

"Winry?" he called out into the musty smelling room, but even though it was stuffy, it was also laced with the smell of cleaning agents. He knew eventually the shop would smell as clinically sterile as the surgery room in Risembool always did.

"Winry, are you here?" he tried again and stepped fully inside, closing the door behind him.

He heard no response and walked further inside, glancing into a few of the open boxes and seeing he was right about expensive parts, he shook his head and turned toward a corner end of the shop where there were stairs going up, probably to the apartment floor above.

He manoeuvred around a few towers of boxes, heading toward the stairs when he heard someone coming down quickly so he stopped and waited the last few hurried steps until Winry came into sight. She halted rigidly at the bottom of the steps when she saw him and stared wide eyed as her bangs swayed,

"Edward…" she said at first and then blinked a few times until she was frowning at him, "…what are you doing here?" she asked, her tone now abrasive and she was scowling. She walked forward and he had to step out of her way quickly lest she shove him aside.

He turned around and watched her walk over to some boxes, she started to move a few of the top ones down to the floor, aiming to get to one of the bottom ones he supposed and he walked over to her,

"I came to apologise…" he stopped beside her and picked up the next box before she could since –despite how strong she was- boxes of parts were heavy and she was heaving them with some effort, "…what else?" he gave her an apologetic grin.

She had paused when he picked the box up but then she just pointed to where he should put it and he moved to do just that, placing the box in a different pile. Edward recognised she was organising the parts by the box labels. When he turned back she was picking up another box and he moved to help again but she gave him a sharp look and he stopped, watching her carry the heavy box over to another pile before dumping it there a bit hastily and leaning on it,

"So apologise and leave, that's what you always did anyway." She muttered, slightly short on breath as she pushed her ponytail over her shoulder when she stood up straight again, leaving only her bangs to fall forward as she leaned over again and opened the box she'd just placed down.

Her words stung and he pursed his lips as he watched her dig through the box of bolts, looking for specific ones by the labels tied to them like he'd seen her do so many times before,

"Winry, I'm really sorry for what I said…" he said sincerely, "…I was just upset by what you said to me. I mean, even though I was an asshole, even if I still am, it doesn't mean you should let it make you do things that are irresponsible." She clutched the few screws she held tightly and stood up to face him, blue eyes angry but he didn't shut his mouth –he never did learn- "Moving in with some guy you  _barely_  know is stupid, I don't want you to get hurt and- ah!" Edward barely dodged the bolt she chucked at him.

He found himself ducking several more after that –she had a box full at her dispense- and putting more distance between them and he flinched every time one hit the glass windows or walls and floor with a hard pang sound, she really was putting strength into her throws and if he wasn't as quick as he was, it'd hurt to get hit by those for sure.

"Don't…you dare…tell…me…that you…don't…!" she was throwing them with worse aim the angrier she got every time she missed and Edward was nearly to the door, nowhere else to move to so he ducked behind a tower of boxes quickly as she chucked an entire handful at him, "…want me to get  **hurt!** " she yelled, out of breath from her exertion, her voice pitching quite high.

He was about to peek around the boxes when he heard a blunt thwacking sound –cardboard denting- and then the tower of boxes toppled on to him. They were heavy and they hurt as they fell onto his back, shoulders, head and against his legs, tumbling onto and around him before they hit the floor next. The parts and various tools inside clanked and pinged inside the boxes and the more noisily as some of them spilled out on to the floor.

He'd very nearly been knocked off balance because he hadn't expected it but he was still standing when he turned to face Winry in time to see her lowering her leg after she'd kicked the boxes onto him. Her large boots looked intimidating to him…mostly because out of every irate enemy or opponent he'd ever had, Winry was the only one he'd never  _ever_ consider hitting back.

And she'd always worn steel toed boots when working with heavy metal parts.

He swallowed worriedly and eyed her boots warily,

_'I could restrain her…'_  he thought quickly as she picked up the thing nearest to her –a broom- thankfully,

" **You** hurt me, you have hurt me more than you could know you bastard!" she didn't even bother coming closer to hit him since he'd back stepped until his back was against the doors, she just chucked the flimsy wood at him and he caught it with one hand,

"Winry, I'm sorr-…" he tried to say but she wasn't interested in hearing him out.

"I'm  **sick**  of your apologies!" she shouted over him.

He realised it was his fault she was pissed, she'd been relatively calm when he came in but,

_'Me and my big fucking mouth.'_

"You're always sorry but you  **never**  change," he knew that was true and fuck, did his stomach lurch painfully with guilt at hearing it, "year after year after year, _sorry_  I don't write,  _sorry_  I don't call,  _sorry_  we don't visit, _sorry_  I broke my automail,  _sorry_ I made you cry,  _sorry_ … **sorry** , always  **sorry** but you never  **ever**  changed, you never even tried to change!" she was furious and her eyes were wet with tears from her ire.

"I told you I loved you in  _every single_  letter I ever wrote and you never said it back even once but I thought it was just because you're a  _moron_  and I was okay with that." She threw her arms up, "I knew you were always an overly proud, egotistical, immature, insensitive asshole from when we were little kids so I  **accepted**  it, like I accepted everything else about you that is infuriating and selfish!" she spat, her voice was shaking, "But now I know you never said it because you never felt it!"

Edward just stared at her, for the second time in a week, he was being told exactly what a fuck up he was and all he could do was stay quiet and try to breathe around the ache in his throat.

"And then you told me you were coming home to  **me**! But I knew when you did finally come back it was only because Al was sick and it was  _fine_  because I have always known that everyone and everything comes second to Alphonse and I  **accepted** that too because I  _loved_  you Edward!" she was deflating slowly, her body was shaking now as well, her voice rasping and tears were slipping over her cheeks, "And then you kissed me…you  _kissed_  meand I couldn't even breathe properly afterward, I was so happy because it was  _finally_  starting to feel real, it was finally happening…" she was crying earnestly now.

He could have sworn that when he'd kissed her that first time in Risembool–so fucking long ago- it'd been because he had feelings for her, but now…he couldn't even remember what it'd felt like, he didn't remember those feelings.

Edward felt numb as he watched her take a step back and sit heavily on one of the boxes, the top of it gave slightly under her weight but didn't cave in, so she sat there sobbing quietly, rubbing wetness from her cheeks even as more tears slipped from her eyes,

"Then you left again, saying you were sorry and there was nothing I could do…I tried to hold on to the idea of us after you left but it only got worse after that. You told me we wouldn't be together when I came to Central and what  _else_  could I do? What else could I say…?" she hiccupped and pressed her face into her hands and Ed closed his eyes tightly as his eyes started to burn.

She wasn't done talking but her voice was softer, strained, when she spoke again,

"And then you're cruel enough to call me easy…because I'm eager to be with someone who makes me happy and treats me well, who tells me he loves me all the time? How can you be so heartless Edward, I know…" she took in a shaky breath and when he opened his eyes again she was looking right at him, "….I know that Alphonse means everything to you, I know you care about him more than anything, but surely…" she shook her head, expression slightly incredulous, "…surely you care about the feelings of other people who care about you too?"

Her words were true, he did care, he did love her and Granny and Izumi, he did care about Roy and all of the people he'd been close to in the military, hell, he'd even cared about Mei and other people they'd come across over the years to some degree…so why…did he feel so utterly alone and lost? Why didn't any of them matter?

Why didn't he have anyone to turn to now when he was so scared of losing the very thing that meant everything to him?

_'Because what we did is wrong and nobody can know, it's not the same as before, nobody could forgive us for being so sick with each other, we're not children anymore. It's more than just a mistake, they would just, everyone would…Winry…'_  he took in a deep breath,

"Winry, I…"

"Don't say you're sorry." She said in a slow, distasteful tone, "Just go Edward, please." She wiped tears off her cheeks with trembling hands.

He couldn't say anything else, he had been going to say he was sorry again and it wasn't enough for her.

He didn't blame her…he didn't blame Alphonse either, he didn't deserve to be put up with by anyone.

He supposed he should just do as she said, so he nodded meekly and turned around, stepping carefully around the parts and bolts laying by the door before he pulled it open, letting himself out and closing the door quietly behind him..

…but he didn't miss the sound of more sobs from Winry as he left…

* * *

Edward rapped his knuckles on Roy Mustang's door slowly, dull thuds sounding in the quiet corridor to the older man's apartment. He was staring at his feet, he was on a real shit streak lately and it looked like it would be another awful, painful, long week of hurt feelings and emotions.

Fuck he was tired of it.

He didn't hear anything from inside and he frowned deeply as he leaned his back against the wall beside the door, thinking that there was a chance Roy wasn't even home,

_'So much for a friendly smile…'_  he thought sorely and pushed himself off the wall, not willing to knock again.

He started walking away when he heard the sound of a door being opened, he stopped and turned around just as Roy leaned out and peered both ways down the hall. He blinked once and raised his eyebrows when he spotted Ed,

"Edward, did you just knock?" he asked confused.

He realised then that he'd probably knocked quieter than he should have and he nodded,

"Y-yeah, I did." He said around the lump in his throat –it wouldn't go away.

Roy frowned at him and stepped out of his apartment to stand outside of his door,

"Are you okay?" he asked in that genuinely concerned tone.

Edward stared at him for a moment and then shook his head and raised his eyebrows,

"No…no I'm not…but I never have been when you think about it." He said sourly and Mustang raised an eyebrow, "I could use a drink, if you're not busy…and don't mind." He added at the end, stuffing his hands into his jeans pockets and staring at the hallway floor.

He had never been so verbal before about his feelings but Mustang was the only friend he had at that point, so he allowed himself the weakness because he was too exhausted and emotionally drained to lie or pretend. Besides, if Mustang was willing to treat him like a human who had feelings that could be hurt and walked all over, he knew he owed the same to the older man.

Mustang nodded and moved some of his black bangs away from his forehead,

"Sure, I don't mind…come in." he said and walked back into his apartment.

Edward swallowed sorely and glanced around the empty hall once before he walked the few steps back to the apartment door and went inside.

He closed the door behind him and walked inside slowly, heading over to the couch he'd slept on the last time he'd been there and he flopped on to it, slouching in the seat and sitting low so he could lean his head against the couch back. He could hear Roy down the hall, busy in the kitchen with something. Edward didn't feel all that relaxed, he still felt tense and sore with emotional hurt but at least he didn't feel anxious about having another confrontation, Mustang had no reason to yell at him and tell him how disappointing and selfish he was.

So he let his guard down and closed his eyes for a moment, sighing quietly.

He opened them a few seconds later when he heard Mustang's bare feet patting on the tiles, coming closer, he looked up at the older man – he was wearing home clothes, an old blue jeans and white vest. Edward's eyes focused first on the tumbler glass half filled with a rich brown liquid so he reached for it and sat forward,

"Thanks." He mumbled and brought the glass to his lips.

He kept his eyes on Mustang as the older man walked by him, stepping between his legs and the coffee table before sitting down next to him about a foot away on the same couch. He also leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees but he didn't have a drink in his hand. Edward took a deep gulp of the smooth, strong whiskey and then he licked his lips and averted his gaze to the tiles beneath his boots,

"Don't drink on a Sunday?" he enquired quietly and took another deep gulp from his drink, then finished the last bit off next. Mustang was watching him, he could feel it,

"Oh, I do, but you look like you need to get drunk, so I'll be sober just in case…" he said quietly.

"In case what?" Edward asked a bit hoarsely, his sore throat burning from the rich alcohol, as he stretched his arm forward and placed the glass on the coaster, remembering Mustang insisted it be that way from last time.

"You said you passed out the last time you decided to drink while you were upset, I don't think you'd like that to happen again." He sounded sincere enough about his concern so Edward didn't chew him out for being forward and assuming that he'd get plastered.

He was actually kind of grateful, Mustang saying that reminded him that he didn't want that to happen again, it strengthened his resolve on the subject of drowning his sorrows and he shook his head,

"No, just one drink, I don't want any more." He sighed and leaned his elbows on his knees and put his head in his hands. Mustang sighed and Ed felt a hand pat his forearm once lightly,

"Good to hear, I'd hate to see you develop an alcohol dependency." He said just as sincerely.

Edward made a face to himself,

"Shut up." He said quietly.

Mustang chuckled and then shifted but Edward didn't raised his eyes from the palms of his hands to see,

"Are you staying the night again?" Roy asked next, so casually that Ed wouldn't have felt bad to say yes had it been the case. But it wasn't, so he shook his head slightly and finally took his hands off his face, clasping his hands together before he turned his head to Mustang but didn't look directly at him, instead he kept his eyes down,

"I just needed a breather, a distraction…" he admitted aloud but to himself he thought,  _'A friendly face, someone who isn't sick of me, yet.'_

There was silence for a moment and Edward hesitated to meet Roy's eyes, glancing first over the older man's well-built torso, his lean muscled arms were visible since he wore a vest and the sight wasn't half bad, it actually wasn't bad at all, before he finally looked at his face and saw that Mustang wasn't looking at him.

He was staring unseeingly at the table and he looked like he was in deep thought about something, Edward sighed quietly flexed his fingers over his knuckles,

"Roy…" he said to get the man's attention.

Mustang blinked and looked at Edward again, face serious and gaze curious,

"You don't want to talk about whatever's going on?" he asked and Ed shook his head immediately.

Mustang sighed,

"Since you moved to Central you and Alphonse have been having a lot of problems, Ed. I mean, I thought you guys had sorted it out on Friday, but apparently not. The two of you never used to fight like this, not that I ever knew of…maybe you should move back to Risembool?" he suggested. Edward scoffed acridly,

"No, Risembool wouldn't be any better…we're staying in Central…" he said irritably and ran his hands through his bangs.

"Then maybe you should tell him about your alchemy, that jacket argument was about that right?" he enquired.

Edward sighed heavily and shook his head,

"That's a small part of it, there's no simple solution to fix this…" his voice was touched with distress and he hadn't been able to help it. He knew he couldn't talk about his problems with anyone, why the fuck was he being so stupid by saying things like that?! Edward realised he had to find a better way to channel the weak, miserable feelings he was being drowned by before he had a break down again.

He couldn't let himself slip up to someone –especially not the future Fuhrer- in a moment of abject misery.

Edward did wish there was some way to fix things between himself and Al though, but he didn't know if there was an answer anymore, they couldn't go back to the way things were and going forward was looking like a disaster too…

"Edw-…"

"I don't want to talk about it." He tried to snap firmly, but his voice came out shaken and tired and when he glanced at Roy he saw something like surprise on his face. Apparently his obvious sadness was more effective than his usual rude finality because Mustang looked more concerned than before but he also nodded.

_'Yeah I know I sound pathetic.'_  Edward grimaced and then was slightly startled by a hand patting his back, he looked at Roy and then the man shifted to get up,

"Alright, a distraction then, I think I have just the thing." He smirked.

Edward looked up at him at first and then stood up himself, his legs felt unsteady, bringing himself to be just about but not quite Roy's height,

"What?" he asked with a frown.

Mustang just smirked wider until a few teeth were showing and Edward narrowed his eyes.

* * *

Roy slammed a stack of long since seen but all too familiar military folders on to the desk in his study between himself and Edward and the blonde groaned,

"Are you kidding me, after all these years you  _still_ get behind on your paperwork?" he stared at Mustang as if he were insane. The older man just looked at him lazily and dropped a pen onto the high pile,

"I'll have you know, this paperwork is what amassed those two days last week I left work early." He cocked an eyebrow, "Equivalent exchange right Fullmetal, so you can't back out, you owe me a favour for a favour." He said it with his smirk but Ed could tell he didn't mean it all that seriously.

He also knew when Roy said 'Fullmetal' it was like a strange endearment of some sort. Edward appreciated that he was willing to pretend like nothing was wrong, it helped Ed pretend as well.

He snatched up the pen up and walked around the desk to where Mustang was standing and he plopped himself into the comfy expensive office chair and Roy gave him a 'what are you doing' glare,

"If I'm gonna sign your stupid paperwork I'm sitting here, deal with it…" he raised his eyebrow challengingly and reached for the first folder on the stack that Mustang had placed down, "…besides, I sign your signature more consistently than you do, you lazy bastard, so don't complain." He said matter of factly.

Mustang just huffed above him and then walked around the desk, picking up a different stack of papers and a pen for himself,

"Fine, even if I wrestled you for that chair I'd probably lose anyway." He muttered and walked over to the couch against the wall, it was adjacent to a wooden coffee table scattered with papers and Roy sat down as he set the papers down on top of some others.

"You  _would_  lose, nothing probable about it, it's a fact." Ed shot back with a smirk.

Edward wasn't surprised that Mustang's home office was so disorganised, the man was hardly the pinnacle of professionalism where his visual and social appearance wasn't concerned. Ed knew he wore the uniform proudly, walked the walk and talked the talk like a pro, but he hated the red tape that came with it and was hopeless at it too.

_'…hasn't changed a bit.'_  Ed shook his head and glanced down at the folder before he opened it.

"Could you just scan over them first to make sure it's all in order before you sign, it's mostly SF 180's, DD 149's and a few VA Forms, 1990's, nothing you're not familiar with." Mustang rattled off absently in his C.O voice and Edward blinked at him, slightly annoyed, he watched the older man shuffle through his thick stack, separating his work.

Edward tapped the pen against the papers in the folder,

"Did it ever occur to you that since I've been out of the military for almost  **7 years**  that I don't even remember what those are, Mustang?" he asked dryly.

Mustang smirked and didn't look up, continuing his file sorting,

"Not for a second." Roy said surely and Edward glared weakly at him.

Mustang knew him too well, of course he remembered what all the different form codes meant, but he wished he didn't, there was nothing more boring than paperwork. He sighed and clicked his pen to get started,

"So you got me signing applications and requisitions, what the hell are you doing?" he asked as his eyes scanned over the first few lines of the form.

Attached to the application he was going over were personal papers, other forms, statements, test results, performance data and everything else that came as a necessity to approving or denying different level officers access to military files and records, or giving them education grants.

Boring, so damn boring…but a worthy distraction because it required enough focus to keep Ed's mind busy while allowing him to relax and not work anything besides his mind.

Mustang's smirk was now a grin as he sat back on the couch, bringing a file with him and a pen, he crossed his one leg over the other, placed the file against his knee and clicked the back of his pen,

"DD 293's." he said pleasantly.

When he looked up again, Edward was briefly distracted by the frameless spectacles rested on Mustangs nose –and how well they suited his face- but then he gave Mustang a reproachful look,

"You really enjoy dismissing soldiers?" he asked seriously and dropped his eyes back to the papers, flipping through what required checking before he started signing Mustang's signature.

"If they're incompetent, yes, which they mostly are when they're brought up on a complaint or for unscheduled review." He sounded a bit distracted so Edward didn't respond but after a moment he added, "I only want the  **best** people in my military, which reminds me…have you reconsidered join-…"

"Shut up…" Edward grumbled and pulled the next folder off the pile and tried to ignore the smile he saw Mustang sporting, because it was disarming and having not been smiled at so genuinely in a while…

…it gave him the weird skin crawls and even a few butterflies.

Edward buried himself in the paperwork and tuned Mustang out.

* * *

Time passed quickly with a distraction and peace and quiet. When next Edward looked up from his latest file, it was because Mustang placed a cup of coffee down in front of him, near his nose and the smell was heavenly…it was the expensive stuff.

He couldn't help smiling brightly at the smell and he flashed that very same smile at Roy as he dropped the pen from his stiff fingers and grabbed the mug handle,

"Thanks." He said just before he took a sip, closing his eyes in instant satisfaction.

"Wow, is coffee the only thing that makes you smile like that?" Mustang asked, sounded genuinely curious.

Edward frowned as he hesitantly removed the cup from his lips after another sip,

"Smile like what?" he asked dully, realising that the lighting in the study was now artificial and no longer daylight.

"Never mind." Mustang sighed and sat on the desk next to where Edward was sitting and sipped his own coffee.

"What time is it?" Edward didn't take note of his wistful tone and looked around for a clock.

He spotted one on the far wall of the study and saw that it was just after six pm,

"Shit…I've been here all day." He mumbled and took another gulp of coffee before he placed the mug down and ran a hand over his ponytail. He glanced at the pile he'd been working through for the past few hours, "Heh, there's only two left, I guess I'll finish em' before I go." He decided.

Even though he'd been there longer than he should have, it'd been the most comfortable he'd felt for the past two days and he just wanted to soak it up a bit more before he returned to a cold home and colder sibling.

But when he reached for the next file Roy spoke up,

"You don't have to, I've finished all of mine and I can do those last two myself."

"Your pile was smaller than mine." Edward complained half-heartedly and grabbed the folder anyway, he picked up his pen again and sipped his coffee again before opening the file.

The older man smirked,

"I was working with discharge and dismissal, there's far more attention and reading required, after all I'm deciding the fate of someone's career." He said in an innocent tone.

"Lazy…" Edward grumbled as he read through the form at a very quick but still efficient speed.

They sat quietly for a while as Ed finished off the file, he'd finished his coffee in between flipping pages and checking information, his mug was empty but Mustang's wasn't and the older man continued sipping at his coffee, staring ahead at the open windows behind where they were situated. There was only a faint breeze outside but the air was cool enough in the room and it was slowly getting to be inky black outside in the night sky.

Edward dreaded going home.

He blinked when Mustang spoke,

"You know," he was smirking when Ed glanced up at him while reaching for the final folder, "I never ever thought I'd ever see you  _hugging_  someone, or getting kisses and being all soft and comforting." he chuckled quietly and drank from his mug again, tilting his head back to drain it.

Edward was confused, sincerely, he hadn't a single idea what the man was referring to,

"What the hell are you on about?" he asked as he reread a paragraph due to his distraction by Mustang.

"I'm talking about when I walked into the guestroom on Friday, you and Alphonse were hugging each other like your lives depended on it," Ed blinked rapidly and looked up at him, a slight amount of panic bloomed in his gut, "It was bizarrely sweet. And I say bizarre because even though I know you probably have hugged and most definitely kissed people in your lifetime, seeing it was…it was interesting." His smile was softer now.

Mustang's sentence sounded all kinds of wrong to Edward –even if it was said in innocence – and he looked back down to the folder quickly, frowning,

"It's Alphonse, not 'people', he's my brother…I…I can hug him and, and whatever…it's not a big deal…" he said as firmly as he could as he scratched Mustang's signature into the paper.

Mustang chuckled,

"Don't be embarrassed about being a softy, even if it is only with Alphonse. He is your weak spot after all, everybody know-…"

"Just stop…" he said abruptly and sighed heavily, closing the folder, dropping the pen and sitting back in the chair "…stop talking about him." he shouldn't have said that.

_'Fuck, what is wrong with me?'_  he scolded himself.

He heard Mustang sighed and he looked up at him, Roy nodded,

"I forgot…I'm supposed to be distracting you…forget I brought it up."

Edward could only marvel at how unbelievably  _understanding_  Mustang was, how could he not even look remotely questioning about Ed's behaviour over the topic of conversation?

_'Does he just not think it's weird I'm so messed up over Alphonse? Does he really just take it at face value, is this what he thinks is normal…for me and Al?'_  he frowned to himself, honestly in wonderment over it.

It seemed like Mustang didn't question his abnormal emotional state with regards to Alphonse, it was almost as the older man just accepted it.

He thought then of Winry's words from that early afternoon, how she'd stressed that she'd  _accepted_  that Alphonse's place in his life was more important than anyone else's, she said she'd accepted that it would always be that way. Mustang pushed himself off the desk and moved toward the windows behind the chair, Edward turned his head first and then the chair to follow the older man's movements with a thoughtful gaze.

_'Maybe he doesn't think it's weird or unhealthy, because of how close he's always known Al and I ar-…how close we used to be.'_  He frowned sadly as he watched Mustang close the windows with his one free hand.

Edward swallowed thickly, hating the emptiness he felt at the missing closeness between himself and Al, but he didn't want to start thinking about home just yet so he distracted himself by making conversation,

"So anyway," he cleared his throat, "when are you getting inaugurated as Fuhrer?"

Mustang glanced at him as he reached out for the last window latch to pull it in and he opened his mouth to answer…but he didn't get anything out except a shout of surprise and disgust when a large moth flew straight into his face with a force than shocked Edward for a second.

The mug dropped from Roy's hand –luckily empty- and when it hit the tiles it split into uneven parts and smaller shards. When a second of 'what the fuck just happened' had past and the moth was fluttering wildly around the study while Mustang sputtered moth wing dust from his mouth, Edward couldn't help cracking up loudly.

He honestly couldn't help it and he laughed loudly and freely and fell back against the chair with unsuppressed cackles as he replayed the look on Mustang's face when the moth had flown into his face at full speed.

"Haha…very- ugh- funny…" Roy said muffled and Ed forced an eye open to see the man wiping over his mouth with a grimace on his face.

He cracked up again,

"Ye-ahah-yes…hahahahhhaaa, very fu-nny…" he leaned forward then as his sides tensed up from his laughter, he was shaking his head and trying to space his laughter out so it would ease up.

He looked up again when he heard movement and he was left snickering again as Mustang tip toed and skipped over the general area that glass might have spread to before he relaxed onto the flats of his feet again at the side of the desk, still grumbling irritably.

Edward finally felt his laughter tapering off, he brushed his bangs back from his face as he sat up straight again and shook his head, a few last chuckles slipped out but then finally stopped altogether. He licked his lips and glanced around the study but couldn't see the moth, he assumed it must have settled somewhere so he looked back to Mustang…just in time to catch the older man lifting the front of his shirt up to rub the cotton over his face.

Edward saw abs and he raised his eyebrows, all feelings of laughter left him as he looked at the defined, visible outline of toned muscle against fair skin. He also saw the defined v shape of Mustang's lower abdomen and a line of fine black hair trailing down from his navel to the waist line of his jeans…

He looked away immediately and blinked a few times as his skin got all crawly, he ignored the feeling as he stood up with a sniff,

"I should go…" he said then managed a grin when Roy looked at him, "…I'll leave you and that moth to sort out your differences. It seems like it had it in for you, probably doesn't want you to be the next Fuhrer or something." He joked lamely and made his way around the desk, avoiding the glass with one wide step.

He looked at Mustang when he was closer to the older man, the front of his white vest –now covering his stomach again- had soft brown and gold smudges on it, no doubt from what the moth had left on his face after its attack,

"…I'm surprised it didn't kill itself." Mustang mumbled irritably and another laugh slipped from Edward at how cross Roy looked over it.

"You should have seen your  _face_." His laughter picked up again when he thought about it and Mustang gave him a deadpan look,

"I'll bet it's every bit as amusing as the look you get on your face when you're forced to drink  _milk_." He said back breezily and stepped around Edward.

The blonde made a grossed out face at the mention of milk but his final wave of laughter was still a good feeling and he turned around to see Mustang getting down on his knees and using his hand, cupped and sideways, to gently bring any fine pieces of glass together near the larger broken pieces.

Edward knew he was going to use alchemy to fix it without having to ask…and he remembered what he'd done with Kimberly a few days ago. The urge came quickly and without giving it much thought he quickly walked over and stepped around Mustang to crouch down more or less across from him just as the older man had finished bringing all visible white pieces together.

He realised awkwardly, once he was across from Mustang and the man was looking at him, that the situation was different from how it had been with Kimberly. With her there'd been a circle and a believable lie that made it plausible for him to put his hands on hers, this was different. Mustang didn't need a circle and he certainly didn't need Ed to 'guide' him through a transmutation on any level.

So he found himself frowning at Roy, who was looking at him questioningly, hands leaning on his thighs as he kneeled across from Edward,

"You were going to say something?" Mustang asked surely.

Edward licked his lips and looked to the mug pieces uneasily,

"…uh…uh yeah…but you know what, never mind." He said shortly and moved to stand up again.

Mustang sat back on his legs and looked up at him,

"What is it, Edward?" he asked calmly, curiously.

Edward asked himself whether he was willing to be so pathetic as to  _ask_  if he could…what?  **Hold Mustang's hands to feel the alchemic energy?** He must have made quite a face at the idea of saying that because Mustang frowned,

"Edward, you look like someone just kicked you in the gut, what the hell?" he raised an eyebrow.

He tried to school his face back into a neutral expression as he looked down at Roy, he didn't look amused or anything, he looked sincerely questioning and Edward absently scratched at his cheek and then his bare forearm wondering if Mustang would make fun of him over this.

_'I doubt it, he never has made fun about my alchemy…'_  he reasoned.

"Ed?" Mustang sighed and Edward decided he'd  _try_  to ask, without really asking, he'd done it plenty of times with Mustang in the past when he wanted research fund increases for personal things, or when he wanted time off because he was exhausted and Al was insisting he rest and take care of his body.

He quickly shoved the thought of Al out of his mind because he was dealing with enough awkward feelings right then, he didn't need to start feeling guilty and miserable and longing, not yet, he'd deal with that when he got home,

"….uh well, you were gonna fix the mug…with alchemy right…" he glanced at Mustang, the man was frowning slightly, undoubtedly trying to puzzle out Ed's problem before he got to the end of it, "…so I thought, uh, because I can't anymore…you know…" he grumbled the last part and glared at the desk, clenching and unclenching his fists.

He knew Mustang was good at figuring things out, he just hoped the older man would this time so he didn't have to ask but he didn't even know  _why_  he was hoping! He didn't think he'd ever sink this low, it was awful,

_'I should be doing this with Al, I should be letting him help me deal with the loss of my alchemy. I wouldn't even have to ask him if I wanted to share a transmutation…but fuck…I can't because I'm too scared to even tel-…-'_

" **Oh** …oh you mean you want to…" Mustang had figured it out and he raised his eyebrows, Edward tensed, dreading  _whatever_  came next because he doubted there was any way Mustang could say 'yes' without it being embarrassing or 'no' without it being awkward.

"Sure." Mustang said shortly and smiled –not smirked- he smiled, nicely, handsomely, proving Edward's dread to be misplaced with one simple word and a smile.

Edward still cringed inwardly,

"No, no…never mind, forget it, it's fucking pathetic, dammit…fuck, fuc-…" he was about to pull his hair out.

"Ed, no,  **relax** , it's fine…it's not pathetic." He sighed and gestured for Edward to get down on the floor.

Edward continued to cringe, but exhausted as he was –and anyway, Mustang had said 'okay' so why not?-, he let himself get down onto his knees and he sat back on his legs like Mustang was,

"It is fucking pathetic, I'm pathetic." He said irritably, looking straight at Roy, "And you're  _enabling_  me to be pathetic, bastard." He accused irritably.

Mustang kept smiling as he raised his hands,

"I've kept bigger secrets of yours than something like this, so don't worry…" he touched his hands together lightly –unlike Ed and Al who used to make a show of clapping loudly- and Edward heard the sharp, high pitched sound of alchemic energy focussing around Roy in the quiet study.

He broke out in goose bumps instantly and stared at Roy's hands.

"…no one will find out…" Mustang went on and he placed his hands out between himself and Ed in the air above the mug pieces on the floor. Edward raised his own hands while grimacing, thinking that Mustang was going to finish with  _'that you're alchemy-less and needy'_  because that's exactly what he thought of himself. But just as he touched his own hands to the tops of Roy's the older man finished, "…that you held hands with me."

Edward blinked –and blushed  **dammit** \- when Roy shifted their hands, moving his own on top of Ed's and then he pressed their hands down together onto the floor, either side of the mug pieces. Edward suppressed a shudder as the energy crackled and arched in spurs of dark blue between them and Mustang being the extremely capable alchemist that he was, focused the transmutation perfectly around Edward's unnecessary hands in the equation.

Instead of being an incorrect ingredient inside the array, Roy used his hands to help conduct the alchemic energy and as the energy perpetuated and a wind swept up to push his bangs back from his face along with Roy's, Edward smiled longingly at the warm, hair raising electricity that moved through the skin, blood, tissue, veins and bones of his hands and up his arms.

It almost felt like he was creating the energy within the array…except the pit of his stomach still felt hollow and empty and he didn't feel like he was floating, which ruined the illusion somewhat…

…but it was still better, better than it had been with Kimberly and certainly better than nothing.

Mustang was smiling at him when he next looked at the older man and Edward realised the transmutation was dragging on a bit for such a small thing. When he looked down he saw that Roy was prolonging it, the mug had reformed…and continued to reform again…changing its shape many times over, from a mug, to a saucer, to a small pony, to a car, to a large spoon…

Roy was prolonging it for him…

Edward vaguely wondered if it was a  _weird_ romantic gesture, he didn't know why he thought of it that way, but he ventured a guess that it had something to do with knowing Mustang was interested in him that way…and the fact that the older man was squeezing his hands slightly beneath his own and that he was feeling light-headed and flattered by the small kindness.

He could feel all that despite the hot energy and small vortex of wind being kept consistently aloft by the transmutation between them. His stomach was starting to flutter but his mind quickly went against the feeling he recognised as a growing attraction, for  _whatever_  reason, he wasn't okay with this situation.

If he had to move on, whenever it happened, it would have to be with someone  _unimportant._  Because the people he valued he could not risk hurting with his incredibly fucked up life. Winry had brought it to his attention just that afternoon, he should care enough about those who care about him to at least take into consideration their  _feelings_  and how what he says and does will affect them _._  So Mustang was not an option, because Alphonse always came first and he'd never be able to give Roy emotional equivalency in a relationship.

_'I'll never be able to give_ _ **anyone**_ _emotional equivalency.'_  he shook his head as he watched the mug reconfigure and reform into a toy soldier,

"That's enough…" he said and glanced at Roy.

The older man frowned,

"What's that?" he asked over the noise of wind and the blue arches occasionally flashing and crackling around the unseen circle on the floor. Edward leaned forward a bit, his throat was too sore to raise his voice much,

"I said that's enough Roy, stop now…" he said more audibly.

Mustang looked at him for a moment and Edward was about to repeat himself since the energy kept warming his hands and surging up his arms pleasantly…but then it started to slow…

…and Roy leaned forward just enough to catch his lips with the slightest of kisses.

Edward didn't pull back as the words 'I knew it' flitted through his mind. Mustang didn't pull back either, he stayed close, an inch away, with his eyes open and searching Edward's carefully. Ed's eyes were open as well, staring right back and he didn't feel all that surprised that Mustang had done that…

And he found  _that_  odd , Mustang had just kissed him so why wasn't he shocked, upset, disturbed?

He didn't have time to puzzle it out because Mustang's eyes slipped to half closed and he pressed forward again, their lips touched and Edward again didn't pull back but he didn't press forward either.

Edward didn't want to kiss Mustang, he didn't feel an interest, an urge, a curiosity or a desire to do so. But as Roy leaned forward more and made the contact firmer so that Edward could feel the slowly exhaled breath from the older man's nose, his eyes slipped closed and he let himself be kissed. His hands were freed up when Mustang lifted his off and Ed ended up sitting back on his legs again while Mustang negotiated their mouths.

Mustang wasn't being forceful, in fact he seemed hesitant to do more than just touch lips and Edward didn't feel much besides warm from the alchemy, his hair was still standing from the transmutation energy and he assumed the new rush of goose bumps he felt was due to the transmutation as well, not from Mustang…

…not from the way Roy started to move his lips and pressed them firmer against Ed's own at a slightly tilted angle and then he did it again, their lips making very soft smacking sounds in the quiet around them as he did it over again and again. Slowly he became more confident, the kisses were harder, softer, more angled, until finally…Roy licked his lips…and Edward felt the moisture of it against his own…

Edward hadn't responded or resisted up until that point but the wetness of another person's saliva brought him back from his 'after alchemy' high and he leaned back from Roy, just enough to show the older man he wanted him to back off and Mustang did, without any hesitation.

Roy had moved closer, their knees were touching, Edward frowned down at the white formless shape of the mug between them, it'd obviously ended up that way because Mustang hadn't been focussing on what shape to finalise when he'd…

"I should…uh, go…" Edward had said that earlier, he didn't know why he was still there.

He didn't know why he let Roy kiss him, he hadn't wanted it…so why?

He swallowed sorely, Al was waiting for him –or maybe not- but he was at home, alone –or maybe  _not_.

Edward felt sick, was there even a reason to rush home? He made no move to get up despite his words and he thought of the fact that Al was the last person he'd kissed before Mustang…he licked his lips and felt his stomach twist with guilt, but whether it was over kissing another person or having kissed his own brother for so long and now kissing Mustang he didn't know.

He was so tired of being confused.

"Did I upset you?" Roy asked seriously, quietly, still looking closely at him, their faces still quite near.

Edward rubbed his hand over his mouth and frowned down at the white shapeless glass,

"No, it's just…it's weird." He mumbled and looked at Mustang, he didn't know what expression was on his face but he felt confused, so maybe that's how he looked right then.

Roy blinked slowly at him and then smiled,

"Weird?" he said quietly, in a tone Edward recognised as flirtatious, before his hand raised and eased its way to the back of Ed's neck, "There are far worse things than a kiss feeling…weird…" he said the last part after leaning in and pulling Edward closer to close the gap.

_'I shouldn't kiss him…'_  Ed thought distantly, even as he tilted his head, closed his eyes and parted his lips to the sliding of Mustang's tongue over his lips. Roy tasted like strong –expensive- coffee and his kiss was slow, deep tongued and wet, but the right amounts of it. His kiss was deft, his lips moved in sync with the lapping of his tongue and Edward fell into the motion of it…he found himself leaning into it.

And shit…he was kissing back.

Mustang –shit, shit- he knew how to kiss…

Edward felt blunt nails rake through the hair at the nape of his neck as Mustang's mouth moved over his own a little more aggressively, drawing back teasingly once quickly, before coming back with a deep, slow stroke of his tongue along Edward's. Then he drew back again sucking on Ed's bottom lip slowly…and then he kissed again, slightly different each time, sometimes slow, a bit less tongue - he moved closer and Edward breathed a little heavier, frowning at the heat rising in his face. Then next the kiss was a deeper, a little faster…more suckling…light nipping…and then Mustang licked Ed's bottom lip…before covering his mouth again and wetly sucking Ed's tongue into his own mouth.

Mustang really knew how to kiss… **fuck** …it felt good, Edward couldn't deny he was enjoying it.

But the feeling was on the surface, it wasn't feeling good where really it counted, in his  **heart** , in his  **mind** …

Even if it was right –and normal- to kiss someone who wasn't Alphonse, it didn't feel the same. When Edward kissed Alphonse, when Alphonse kissed him, he  _always_  felt of rush of want so strong it trumped anything he was feeling right then. However sick it was…Al brought a feeling out in him that had once lied dormant…before the incest, Edward would never have known that he could feel passion and want mixed with possession and desire as strongly as that.

It took a lot from Al to get bring it out in him, but once it was rife, it was hard to keep it in check.

Fuck, he remembered how intense a feeling it was to be with Alphonse. It always felt so good it  **hurt**.

But having those intense –forbidden- feelings for Al didn't mean he wasn't reacting to Mustang bodily, oh no, he was getting hard, he was feeling hot and it was starting to freak him out enough that he grabbed the front of Roy's vest and pushed him back firmly, their lips parting with an audible wet smack. Edward breathed unevenly, swallowed thickly and he tasted more of Roy Mustang than he ever should have.

His stomach turned with guilt and overall queasiness and he asked himself just the fuck he thought he was doing kissing Roy Mustang.

So weak…so pathetic, he didn't know why he couldn't get a hold of himself.

"…don't kiss me again, I'll fucking…I swear I'll punch your fucking lights out." He threatened with a confused frown, it came most naturally to be harsh and rude, and he got to his feet after placing his hands on the floor behind him and moving away from Roy.

He assumed he looked ridiculous, he could feel how hot his face was and he still had the warm fuzzies from being kissed so thoroughly and once he had his legs under him he walked steadily toward the door to Roy's office.

He needed to  _leave._

"Edward…" Mustang said behind him, his footsteps followed, but Ed didn't look back, he just ran his hand over his mouth a few times and walked his way down the short hall toward the main door of the bachelor apartment without slowing.

Mustang sighed irritably,

"Ed, I'm sorry…when you didn't push me off I-…"

"Don't apologise!" Ed found himself snapping just as he grabbed the main door handle, he gripped it tightly and then let it go before turning to face Roy, eyes clearly reflecting his regret and exhaustion as he met Roy's confused eyes, "You're right, I didn't stop you…okay…so don't apologise to me…" he licked his now dry red lips.

It would have been easier to just walk out, but he was once again faced with Winry's words from earlier, he had to try and leave on good terms because he cared about Mustang –so weird- and he didn't want to fuck up yet another relationship, "…no awkwardness okay, let's just, let's not let it be weird. Better, better if it's like it never happened," was that a good thing to say? Mustang was frowning at him, "can you, just…don't do it again, okay ever." He grabbed blindly for the handle a few times behind him as he said the last part.

He'd just fucked up, he knew, because he was insensitive and an asshole and tactless and fuck!

Mustang looked somewhere between hurt and annoyed, his face was slightly flushed and his lips visibly kiss swollen, he was obviously  _affected_  by what had just happened between them and it  **never** should have happened. Ed just shook his head and grabbed at his bangs for a second in frustration, he assumed Mustang would soon get fed up with how fucked up he was as well. He'd just have to prepare to lose this friendship too…

…but until then,

"I'll see you around…" he said shortly, his tone sounded angry and only then did he realise that he felt  _really_  pissed off…at himself? He wasn't sure. He turned quickly and grabbed the handle, pulling the door open quickly before he paused, "Uh…work. Is there work next week?" he asked as he stepped out, again rubbing his hand over his mouth.

He couldn't meet Roy's blue eyes. He felt so fucking sick with anger all of a sudden.

Mustang just shook his head and Edward nodded before he closed the door with a definitive click and turned to walk away. His steps became faster as he went and he reached the empty stairwell quickly and descended a few flights as fast as he could before he stopped on one of the levels suddenly.

He breathed a few times heavily, worked his jaw from side to side and he breathed heavily and then he turned to the wall and – unbidden - Ed slammed his right fist into it…over and over again.

* * *

He'd run all the way home. He'd actually been winded from the fast pace he'd taken but by the time he reached the apartment, shaking slightly with exertion, he'd felt better and his anger had dulled to an unsettling burn in his gut.

He'd nearly sprained his hand –he would have broken something if it hadn't for his years of mastering the proper way to punch a rock hard object- and his knuckles and fingers had been caked with dry blood by the time he got home, but he felt much better. Edward felt like he was losing it, punching that wall had been an outlet, a much needed way to relieve his stress and anger over everything that he couldn't control, in himself and around him.

He could usually handle pressure, he could handle danger, he could handle enemies and fighting and confrontation…as long as there were no  _emotions_ involved. But when it came to  **feeling**  so much at once, he could tell it made him unbalanced.

He was always hurting someone but for fucks sakes he was hurting just as badly!

His entire situation and everything contributing to making it worse just  **infuriated**  him.

He'd been thinking of a different way to channel his feelings so he didn't break down –he nodded to himself as he sat in the silent bathroom under the bright white light overhead- and after he let himself be kissed by a Mustang when he'd specifically told himself not letanything like that happen, he'd lost his grip. But instead of giving in and being  _weak_  and  _submissive_  and  _pathetic_  and ending up in bed with Roy like he had the last time with Alphonse, he'd redirected his emotions into anger that left bloody cracks in paint on the wall in a stairwell…

…and his head felt clearer now.

Presently he was wrapping bandages around his freshly cleaned and badly bruised and injured hand, sitting on the bathroom floor with his back to the side of the bath. Alphonse's bedroom door had been shut when he got in and he might as well have walked into a fucking graveyard for how quiet the apartment had been.

He was getting  **sick** of this shit. There was no communication! Alphonse was just hiding! It was infuriating!

_'Why doesn't he say something, why doesn't he confront me without me having to provoke him…if he has something to fucking say to me why doesn't he just fucking say it. If he wants to hit me, scream at me…fuck, yes it hurts to argue and fight with him, but at least I know he_ _ **feels**_ _something toward me.'_  He tied the bandage off sorely in his haste and as he stood up he just barely managed to stop himself from kicking the toilet and breaking the porcelain.

His injured hand was shaking and throbbing but he didn't care, he'd been in pain so much worse it was  _nothing._

He'd thought his anger was at himself at first, but now slowly…it was directing itself toward Alphonse.

Edward was worried, he knew that if he wasn't going to crumble into himself pathetically like he'd originally thought, then he was going to blow up, and it was looking a lot like it would be the latter at this point.

* * *

Alphonse ignored him again, hours later, in the mid-morning when he'd been getting ready to go to University. Edward hadn't slept, he'd just sat in the bathroom for a long while and then taken a quick shower before he'd made his way to the lounge and just sat there.

He didn't want to sleep.

He'd spent a lot of time thinking about what had happened with Mustang, thinking about the fact that he'd fucked that up too. He knew he should have stuck to his guns, he shouldn't have let Mustang kiss him but he'd been so incredibly pathetic…it made him sick to think about now.

But he couldn't change what had already happened –story of his life- so he just resigned himself to seeing how it played out next time he ran into Roy, he'd take his cue from the older man.

Besides, it was just a kiss…a weird, weird kiss. He felt his skin crawl even then, still not in a bad way, but it still wasn't great either. Because Mustang wasn't an option, right then he didn't actually want  _any_  options.

He wanted to focus on knowing what was going on with Alphonse, he wanted to know if it was drugs, or of it was just his little brother being a cold, cruel bastard toward him.

He'd been tempted to scratch around in Al's room, but he wasn't going to be encouraging that sort of behaviour between them, not while he had his safe in his bedroom, so he'd instead just waited all day on Monday. He didn't leave the apartment, he lounged around on the sofa in only his sleeping pants, shirtless and uninterested in anything but seeing and confronting Al when he came home.

Alphonse only came home many hours after he usually did on a Monday, it was well past 7 PM when Alphonse walked into the apartment.

Edward was sitting in the lounge still, legs stretched out and crossed one over the other, feet propped up on the coffee table and a book rested in his hands, he was leaning sideways with an elbow on the arm rest. He stopped reading when he heard the sound of the door open, close and then the sound of Alphonse shuffling –probably out of his shoes- before the coat closet door was opened, something was dumped inside and it was closed again.

Edward watched –carefully- for the moment when Alphonse would pass the entrance to the lounge and when he did, just as Ed expected, he only glanced briefly in and then continued to walk by,

"ALPHONSE." Edward said loudly, firmly.

He was  **done**  with the pussy footing bullshit.

The footsteps in the hall faltered and after a moment he saw Alphonse again, the younger blonde came to stand in the doorway, his stance and expression was as static as it had been for the past two days.

Edward snapped his book shut, tossed it so it landed with a thud on the coffee table and he stood up briskly, eyes on Alphonse all the time and he saw a slight frown form on Al's face as he approached,

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he asked straight up as he walked over to where Al stood, folding his arms across his chest where he stopped just a few feet away.

He took note that Al's pupils were  **not** dilated.

Alphonse raised his eyebrows slightly and shrugged,

"I don't know what you me-…"

"Don't bullshit me, you can't lie to me when you look like shit  **all**  the time. You've never stopped yourself from telling me off before, before  **all**  of this, you never held back when you thought I was wrong, or I was making a mistake. Tell me what the fuck is wrong, tell me what  **I'm** supposed to do if  **nothing**  is enough, if  **nothing**  is right, if absolutely  **nothing**  works, how the fuck do I make things right between **us**?" he was speaking with his teeth clenched now and was having keeping his hands from gesturing his quickly elevating anger.

He hadn't expected to say quite as much so quickly but he hadn't been able to help it and Alphonse actually looked shocked now, finally, some emotion again. The younger blonde swallowed tensely and shook his head,

"No, we're okay, we're doing what we're supposed to do…we're doing what's normal…" he managed to stay calm.

" **You** walking around like a fucking  _robot_  is not normal, if you're pissed off at me just say so, dammit." He pointed his finger at the ground harshly, breathing a bit heavily.

Alphonse was starting to look annoyed and Edward knew he was on the right track, from here Al would start to get worked up and when he was angry he tended to be the most honest, if what had happened the last few times was any indication at least. He averted his gaze,

"I'm  _fine,_  I'm just dealing with this-…"

"This? What is 'this' Alphonse?" Edward pressed him.

"What are you doing?" Alphonse asked irritably, sidestepping his question.

"I'm  _talking_ , you'd swear you don't fucking know what that is  _anymore_  with how shut off you are-…"

"I don't want to  _talk_ , I don't have anything I want to say-…"

"To me?"

"In  **general**." Alphonse shot back quickly, fists clenching.

"Do you talk to Elizabeth?" Ed hoped it was the right button to press.

Alphonse's nostrils flared,

" **Yes,**  yes I fucking do….do you know why,  _Brother_?" Ed forced himself not to flinch at the word, "Because it's  _normal_  and it's  _right_. Isn't that what you want? You want us to move on right?" his voice was tense.

This was it, Edward had him, they were talking and whether it turned to yelling, fighting or tears, he hoped to reach some sort of conclusion or solution.

So he continued to provoke, taking the derision in Al's tone on the subject of 'normal' and 'right' as a cue,

"Yeah, course' it's right Alphonse, that's the way society says it should be, that's the way the law says it should be." He said as flippantly as possible, as if it were obvious.

True enough, Al bared his teeth when his face contorted with anger,

"So why the hell are you bringing it up?!" he yelled.

"Because you said you were okay with it but  **look**  at you!" Edward said pointedly and gestured his hand at Alphonse, nearly jabbing him in the chest. The younger blonde made a sound of irritation,

"Look at  **me**? Why don't you look at yourself?" he gestured right back, "Worry about your goddamn self, I'm doing what I'm 'supposed' to do," he actually made air quotes with his fingers, Edward could have laughed, "what're you doing, sitting on the couch all day waiting for me to come home so you can ask me what  **you're**  supposed to do? What the fuck is that?" his tone got a little higher in pitch, showing his frustration.

Only one part of his words hurt and upset Edward and his own frustration made him pounce on that,

"Don't you  **tell me**  to worry about my fucking self, you might have forgotten or just don't give a  **fuck**  anymore but I haven't, I have not forgotten or stopped giving a shit about  **you**  because you're my  **brother** , so don't make light of me caring about you-…"

"I don't want it!" Alphonse shouted right over him and Edward stared at him, "I don't want you to pat my shoulder, and don't ruffle my fucking hair like I'm some little child, don't smile at me like everything is fucking hunky dory and don't  **ask**  me what we're supposed to do when you know, you KNOW exactly what the fucking problem is!" he was alight with anger now.

It was beautiful. And a little scary…Ed wondered if that's how he looked when he got pissed off…

In a rush Edward thought back to  _everything_  thing that had happened right up until the point where Alphonse had told him to end it, after Alphonse had rejected him  _twice_. This, the  **end**  of the relationship that the younger blonde was indirectly referring to as being the 'problem' was Alphonse's choice…his anger flared up as well…because why the hell was Alphonse blaming it on him?

So he raised his voice just as loud, looked as furious as he felt and saw Al flinch back,

"The fucking problem is that you can't make up your fucking mind about what the fuck you want!" he yelled right back and Alphonse came back fiercely and lashed out, the closed side of his fist hit the wall of the arch with a hard slap,

" **I told you over and over and OVER what I fucking wanted and you couldn't give it to me!** " he was almost on his toes when he yelled that. Edward was struck a little numb by it,

"B- but after-…"

"SHUT UP!" Alphonse stepped forward and shoved him backward, much like he'd done on the bed days ago but this time Ed had his balance and he stepped back with the shove, "You made me feel like shit about the whole thing, I felt guilty about even so much as- as…" he distinctly lowered his voice to a hiss for the next part, "… _kissing you_ …" his eyes were narrowed and his fists were shaking, "…so I tried to end it and then that didn't make you any happier and I wasn't any happier and it was  _horrible_  every secondand YOU, fuck, you just confuse me, because one minute it's like you hate  **it**  but the next you…you…" he shook his head and made a disgruntled sound, stiffening his fingers like claws near Ed's neck as if he wanted to strangle him.

Edward had pre-prepared himself for this outburst and whatever was said during, so everything Alphonse said he listened to instead of getting offended by it and tried to make sense of it. He was sick of being yelled at, if he was honest with himself, but this had been necessary. From everything Al said and everything he knew, it sounded like they'd gone around in a fucking circle. They were back at square one, trying to decide whether they should go down that road, except now it came with the added stress of also trying to figure out if their brotherly relationship could take the strain and whether they could make each other happy with all of the problems that came with being together.

He had no solution, for him it was always easiest to let Al decide because he'd do anything for Alphonse –though that hadn't worked out so well last time- even so, all he could do was ask in an exasperated tone while staring into Al's rage red face,

"So what now?" he asked quietly.

Apparently it was the wrong thing to say – but what else was new for Edward- because Alphonse tackled him full bodied.

For the next minute they grappled, they didn't hit each other so much as shove and grab and grunt and swear and smack and struggle and get bruises from the furniture as they tossed each other around in the small lounge.

Eventually the coffee table was knocked over as Alphonse effectively tripped Ed off his feet and pinned him down on his back, his one arm pinned under Al's knee and the other held in Al's grasp above his head.

The younger blonde was knelt over his chest but he wasn't as strong or as balanced as he needed to be, he was also breathing heavily and his grip was not firm enough and Edward –red faced and sweating slightly from their little wrestling match- informed him of that little fact,

"You're not strong enough to hold me down." He stated plainly right before he raised his legs quickly and kicked them into a twist, easily throwing his weight sideways and tossing Al –weaker in strength- off, and the younger blonde hit the tiles a bit harshly on his side.

But that didn't stop him from kicking his legs out and catching one of Ed's before the older blonde could get his feet under him properly. When he hit the ground they grappled again, Al scrambled onto him and tried to pin him again, looking thoroughly miffed. Edward could tell Al was having a hard time holding on to him because he was sweating and shirtless, so when Alphonse managed again –on sheer skill alone- to pin him to the floor, Ed had yet another advantage to get out of it.

"You can't  **pin**  me, Alphonse…" he smirked, he was on his back again, and he applied his strength from his lower half to buck up since Alphonse was sitting on his waist. And when the younger blonde was tossed forward by the force of Ed's movement, his grip on Ed's wrists slackened enough for Ed to reverse the hold so he had Al's wrists in his grasp.

He followed through with his initial idea to propel Al over his head except now he had more leverage to do so. He raised his knee to Al's abdomen quickly when the younger blonde was distracted with trying to pull his hands free and Ed used his leg to lift and throw him over so he flipped and landed on his back on the tiles – in the small lounge his feet hit the book shelf and several books toppled down- and he was lying head to head with Ed. Then very quickly Ed rolled himself back onto his shoulders, using his foot to push his weight up and over and just a second after Al hit the tiles and groaned from the ache of it, Edward had flipped and landed their positions in the opposite. He was now straddling Al and when he pinned his younger brother's arms to the floor by his wrists and squeezed Al's legs together between his own to prevent any movement, they both knew Al wasn't going anywhere.

"Fuck!" Alphonse groaned and tried to pull his wrists free, his face was flush and slightly sweaty as he glared up at Edward. Ed could feel aches and bruises on his body from the table, walls, book shelf and couches they'd landed over, into and on top of in their little altercation, he assumed Al was feeling the same pains he was,

"You may have me beat in skill Alphonse, but you're nowhere near as strong as I am." He had meant it as just plain smack talk.

But Alphonse looked hurt by his words anyway,

"Yeah…" he said hoarsely, "…I know that, if I were as strong as you, I never would have fucked up our lives like this." He blinked a few times, a sign of burning eyes, the threat of tears.

Edward took in a deep breath and let go of Al's wrists –and fuck did his right hand throb like a motherfucker now that his mild adrenalin rush had faded. He got off of Alphonse, feeling suddenly tired again, he shook his head as he sat beside the younger blonde who also sat up slowly and grimaced at whatever pains he was feeling.

Edward knew Al hadn't meant physical strength when he'd said that,

_'I'm far from strong in the way you mean…'_  he thought sadly, breathing slightly heavy as he pushed his bangs out of his sweaty face, thinking again of how weak he'd nearly been with Mustang.

"Al…" he glanced over just as Al held his mid-section with a wince and Ed just remembered the bruise, "…shit, I forgot, are you okay?" he touched Al's shoulder and the younger blonde just nodded,

"Yeah, I didn't feel it until right now…" he said evenly and Ed knew it was the same scenario as his newly bloody bandaged hand, "…besides I started it." Al admitted with a sigh.

Edward stared at him, memorising all over again how attractive Al's features were, stupidly, he thought Elizabeth was a lucky girl…the stupidity of the thought being the fact that Al had wanted to be his in the first place, it made him smile sadly,

"Do you feel better, I'm sure you still want to hit me in the face?" he asked quietly.

Alphonse glanced at him, not very amused,

"I'm not sure, I'll know whether I still want to once my body stops hurting." He mumbled and grimaced when he moved to stand up. Edward stood up with him and as Al started to walk away he caught him around the waist and pulled him back.

He shouldn't have...but he did.

Edward hugged him from behind tightly and pressed a kiss to his sweat damp hair,

" **I love you** , you know that right…?" he sighed after asking quietly.

Alphonse was tense in his arms but Edward had felt the shudder that wracked Al's body and he got a perverse little kick out of it, out of knowing he still made Al  _quiver_ just with the slightest touch or hold.

He shouldn't be enjoying the little bit of power he held…but he did, it told him without words that Al wanted to be close to him. It was the one way he'd know without having to ask…

"I know, I love you too…Brother." He didn't say the word nastily that time, he said it quietly, sincerely, swallowing loudly and licking his lips.

Edward inhaled deeply, savouring the closeness mentally, before he finally let go of Alphonse and his slightly shaken brother stepped away from him before glancing around the lounge at the mess they'd made,

"I'll clean it up." Edward told him with a small smile as raised his hand to rub the back of his neck and the younger blonde glanced at him – he looked confused and his face was a renewed shade of red- and then he nodded haltingly before he turned and headed for the lounge exit.

It occurred to Edward then that yet again, they hadn't actually resolved anything, but before he could say anything Al stopped into the door way and turned back to him, frowning,

"Oh…by the way, I guess I should probably tell you…" he stared straight into Edward's eyes and older blonde actually felt a bit uncomfortable because it was like Al was trying to see right through him, "…I asked Elizabeth to be my girlfriend and she said yes, I'm going out with her tomorrow night…" he gaze was unwavering and Edward had stopped breathing, "…is that… _okay_?" Al tilted his head slightly, curiously.

Edward didn't know for sure, but he could have sworn Al was  _mocking_  him.

He felt numb with shock, he supposed it was because what he'd suspected about Al and Elizabeth was just confirmed to be true, they were together, Al was moving on. But he'd still known on some level, it wasn't news to him…and besides, not a minute ago Al had been quivering lightly in his arms.

So bringing Elizabeth up now… it was mocking, it was probably intentional and he didn't want to give Al the satisfaction of seeing him hurt over it.

Edward managed a smile,

"Yeah, that's  _okay_ ," he said back in the same casual tone, "you have fun." He watched as the corners of Al's mouth twitch downward and Ed –deciding to mock his little brother right back- winked at him, breaking into a small grin before he turned to start picking up the books that had fallen.

He didn't see Al leave but he heard him go down the hall and he heard his bedroom door shut, a bit too loudly.

Edward was crouching with some books in his hands as he stared at the empty spot in the archway for a second –his heart pounding painfully in his chest- before he glanced around the lounge and shook his head,

_'…why the hell did I do that, did I just…tease him?'_  He asked himself with a confused frown, ignoring the familiar ache of hurt in his chest.

Edward stood up, placing the books on the shelf before he leaned over and righted the coffee table so he could sit down on it. He placed his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands and he shook his head slowly from side to side and just sat there.

_'I did, I just teased him…I did it because he was trying to upset me and I knew it, so I retaliated…'_  he found himself laughing quietly at how ridiculously childish he'd been.

Yet, he felt pretty good about it. He hadn't let Al win that round and yet he hadn't actually done anything wrong.

Edward dragged his hands down his face so he could stare at the book shelf with a frown,

_'Maybe that's how I should do things from now onwards, don't let him see how much he gets to me…?'_  it was just an idea, just a simple idea.

He sighed into his hands, at least one thing out of everything was finally clear, Al was involved with Elizabeth for real now and they would begin their 'normal' relationship.

The wheels were in correct motion.

"My turn…" he muttered to himself, thinking of it in terms of 'the sooner the better'.

He would start by using this week at home to reconsider his work options, re-joining the military still had its pros but it also had its cons but if he gave it some real thought he knew he'd be able to decide a yes or a no. And on that note, he'd have to check in on whether Mustang was still ally territory.

He snorted, smiling un-amused at the bookshelf.

When Edward heard a sudden knock on the door he didn't even get a shock, he just remained sitting, shaking his head slowly. The knocking sounded again and he heard one of the receptionists asking loudly through the door if everything was 'okay' because one of the neighbours heard a ruckus and shouting.

Edward thought with bitter amusement that,

_'No, everything is not okay, but it has to be because you can't know any better…'_  and then he stood up with a weary exhale and moved toward the door to deal with the person knocking worriedly.

As he reached the door and placed his hand on the door handle he took in a quiet breath, preparing a good enough smile for whoever was on the other side of the door, because as far as the outside world needed to know…

…everything was okay.


	13. Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks - to Vienna Wood for editing this chapter, your assistance is appreciated.
> 
> NB: This chapter has come later than others but it is also twice as long. The structure of this chapter is slightly different and it ran longer than previous ones because it represents a turning point in the story and I had a lot to get through. I apologise if the length gets a bit tedious for anyone, I know not all readers enjoy extra long chapters.
> 
> \- *'The Door with Seven Locks' is a real 1940's film. I do not own the title, it belongs to Edgar Wallace who wrote the book.
> 
> \- I'd like to remind and reassure all readers that this is still undoubtedly an Elricest story.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to The Used. (Excellent Song, Relevant to Chapter Content)

__

 

_Small, simple, safe price_   
_Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets_   
_This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals_   
_And I am not afraid to die_   
_I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight._   
_I want the pain of payment_   
_What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts_   
_Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks_   
_Would you be my little cut?_   
_Would you be my thousand fucks?_   
_And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid_   
_To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts_   
_My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter_   
_I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart_   
_Love is not like anything_   
_Especially a fucking knife..._

* * *

Alphonse was a bit confused.

He'd asked her out and Elizabeth had said yes, so he'd nodded –without a smile- and then sighed, sitting up and forward again to continue his copying of her notes. Then after some silence as he sat fiddling with the pen idly between his fingers and found his last place of reading in her notes, out of nowhere…she'd asked quietly,

"Why though…?" he turned to look at her over his shoulder and frowned, she blinked a few times quickly and pressed her hand to her neck as she explained herself, "…I mean, not long ago, like, two weeks or something, you weren't showing any interest, so I just want to understand where it's coming from?" she looked at the feather ended pen she held.

She had a small frown on her face and Al raised an eyebrow, he inhaled quietly and looked back to the notes. He knew he should have expected some questions, Elizabeth wasn't stupid and on top of that she probably had tons of trust issues with men and their motives because of her history. He supposed his sudden proposition was confusing, but he didn't have it in him to give her some long winded explanation –he'd have to lie about it anyway- and he didn't really feel all that much conviction on the subject of going out with her either.

He was only doing it because it was 'normal' and Edward said to move on…

So he shifted, crossing his legs again, before he bent over the notes on the floor and started writing,

"I just thought we'd give it a shot but if you'd rather not…" he trailed off, blinking lazily down at his notes as the sound of the pen scratching across the paper filled the silence.

Elizabeth was quiet but he didn't bother turning to see her expression or to prompt more conversation on the subject, he'd asked her and if she wasn't interested –or if she didn't think it made sense- he wasn't going to try and change her mind. He liked her as a friend anyway and he genuinely wanted to keep her that way-…

"Did you start considering it after we kissed that time?" she asked quietly, it was a tone he wasn't familiar with from her. It was soft and uncertain, like she was scared to talk about it.

He gave her question some thought while keeping his eyes on the notes, but only because he didn't know if he should just say 'yes' and stop her from asking any more questions or if he should side step the question entirely.

He didn't want to talk about having kissed her,

' _But then…if I'll be seeing her, I'll most likely be kissing her again at some point.'_  The idea of kissing Elizabeth made him feel guilty, because it wasn't mixed with any good emotions, only anxiety and sadness.

She was beautiful and intelligent and such an amazing person, but he only wanted one person and no matter how wonderful she was, he doubted he'd ever fall in love with her.

"Al?" she sighed quietly.

 _'But I don't have to be in love in order to be with her, I like her, she's attractive…she's everything in a girl I probably would have wanted before…'_  he sighed and dropped his pen before he leaned his head back and stared up at the ceiling,

"Yeah, I did…" he lied, his tone was tired but he didn't think it made a difference to what he decided to say, "…I was worried that if we ever did start dating it'd ruin our friendship," he lowered his head and turned around a bit to face her, uncrossing his legs and leaning his elbow on his knee and he leaned his weight on his free hand, "but after we…kissed, uh, nothing changed between us so I started thinking it might be okay." He managed a small smile.

She wasn't smiling, she looked worried and Alphonse was actually curious about what was going through her mind right then, why would she look so concerned over something that was as simple as 'yes' or 'no'?

Realizing then that she might have had a change of heart and mind herself since they'd kissed, he decided he should let her know that he wasn't going to be upset if she had,

"But if you…if you don't think it's a good idea or you'd rather not, I still don't want it to interfere with our friendship," that much was true, "so don't feel oblig-…"

"Obligated, Al…really?" she laughed softly and put her fingernails between her teeth, but didn't bite them, "I'd like us to…see each other. I know I wasn't as subtle as I could have been about the fact that I like you, so there's no obligation or anything, I don't feel anything like that, I just…" she moved her hand from her mouth slightly and looked at him seriously, "…I just don't think  _you_  really want us to see each other." She said quietly.

Alphonse lowered his gaze, feeling substantially more guilty now that he realized his apathy on the subject of them going out  **had**  bothered her, so he tried to make a more sincerely faked effort to convince her,

"I am…I mean, I do, I do want us to see each other." He forced himself to make some form of contact and he placed his hand on her shin because her legs were stretched out on the floor and crossed one over the other, "Sorry if I don't seem enthusiastic right now, I just…" he was going to blame it on Ed, because he was doing this because of him anyway, "…Edward and I haven't been getting along, you know that, and it's the medication, it makes me tired all the time an-…"

"I know, I know…sorry…" it was just that easy. She leaned forward and placed her hand over his and held it lightly, "…don't worry about it…I'm just a girl you know and that part of me would have liked it to be a little more charming and romantic when you asked me out, but under the circumstances, I'll get over it, it's fine."

He smiled at her easy acceptance, it was a small smile but it was real and she smiled too, her playful smile, while she squeezed his hand lightly,

"You can just buy me flowers when you have a chance and I'll be able to gush over it, then all will be right with the world." She said with a small laugh.

Alphonse really did like her, he couldn't deny that much, and he knew that his feelings could probably develop into something more real given time and some effort.

If he was going to do this –because Edward needed him to- then he felt like she was worth the effort.

"I'll do you one better…" he grinned and moved their hands so that he was holding her fingers as if he were going to kiss her hand, deciding to give her a little charm like she'd mentioned, "…Miss Dunn, would you give me the pleasure of your company tomorrow night, I would like to take you to dinner and treat you to an evening of romance?" he raised his eyebrows.

She smiled back –partly playing along- but mostly she was genuinely happy with his words, he assessed that by the pretty blush that arose on her face,

"I would like nothing more than to accompany you, Mr. Elric." She said back in a voice that sounded a bit like her mother and Al just nodded and squeezed her hand before letting it go.

She drew her legs up and wrapped her arms around her knees while she twiddled her toes, they were peeking out from under the hems of her suit pants.

It got quiet between them again and all Alphonse could think about was how easy it was to play pretend when it came to certain things, like words and empty gestures, but he doubted it'd be that way when things started to get serious…and intimacy started to become an issue.

He didn't want to be with anyone else and he wasn't sure what he'd do when he found himself having to make that decision of whether to touch her or kiss her. Would it be easy to just let it happen? Would he feel something…would he enjoy the feeling of her skin the same way he did Edward's?

Alphonse pursed his lips and was just about to turn around and continue his work when Elizabeth spoke again, softly and with a hopeful smile,

"Let's just promise each other…that we'll stay friends, even if for some reason it doesn't work out?" She was asking sincerely and it made him happy to know she did value him as a friend enough to not just let him go if –when- it didn't work out between them.

It wasn't just about romantic love, it was also about their friendship, their closeness and Al appreciated that.

Because besides Elizabeth, Alphonse didn't have anyone else to turn to.

With that depressing thought in mind, he nodded at her, managed a passable smile and then turned back to his notes, hoping to distract himself from thoughts of Edward at least until he absolutely had to go home and be alone with him…

…and alone in general.

* * *

Alphonse frowned.

It was just a minute ago when he'd first walked in that his insides had only been mildly sore, he'd felt passive, he'd felt like he'd had the greater parts of his thoughts coordinated. He'd eaten a good –sustenance rich- supper with Elizabeth and her parents; he'd made a decision to quit his job at the pharmacy since he'd skipped work for two weekends and just didn't feel like going back…he'd been feeling…collected.

But then he'd walked into the apartment he shared with his brother and Edward had demanded his presence by stating his name in a tone of voice the younger blonde would always know as 'older brother', and the next thing he knew…Ed was in face, yelling at him about…about…

"What are you doing?" he asked with a deep frown of confusion after Edward had retorted back to his last numb statement. He'd been trying to answer the questions the older blonde was shooting off at him, trying to absorb the accusations about his physical state and how it was making Ed feel, but in all honesty, during his older brother's strangely irate rant and listening to the loudness of his tone, Alphonse had no fucking idea what was happening.

Edward never just 'came at him' like a bull out of the pen. Whenever they argued there was always a build-up first, but it seemed as though –from the tenseness of Ed's shoulders and his offensive stance- that Edward had been  _waiting_  for him to get home to chew him out.

"I'm  _talking_ ," Edward said in a tone that suggested Alphonse was slow, needless to say it pissed him off, "you'd swear you don't fucking know what that is anymore with how shut off you are-…"

"I don't want to  _talk_ , I don't have anything I want to say-…" he tried to deflect all the same, he was not prepared for an argument and he didn't want to have one.

His insides were already starting to get all knotted up and the last pill he'd taken had been that morning, too many hours had passed for it to still have any effect in his system…but why was Edward-…?

"To me?" Ed frowned, looking annoyed and Al just shrugged and shook his head, expressing with his face just how ridiculous he thought Ed was being even though he was starting to get annoyed himself,

"In  **general**."

"Do you talk to Elizabeth?" Ed asked in a tone that was oddly sly.

Alphonse exhaled loudly and narrowed his eyes a bit, he felt distinctly like he was being  _provoked_  and while it wasn't Ed's style to goad him into arguments, he didn't think it was impossible. If Edward was looking for a reason to  **leave**  or be pissed off for whatever reason, Al would oblige him if it meant some peace and no pain,

" **Yes,**  yes I fucking do….do you know why,  _Brother_?" he said 'brother' intentionally to upset Ed, no matter how much it hurt to say things that would push the older blonde away. Because Edward was picking a fight and the only reason Al could think of was that he wanted a reason to storm out. It hurt to notice the word 'brother' hadn't even affected Ed when he said it.

He swallowed sorely, "Because it's  _normal_  and it's  _right_. Isn't that what you want? You want us to move on right?"

His voice was stressed because his body was, it was hurting all over again to  **try**  and be okay with losing Edward. This was Ed's choice, he had to remember that, it had been finalised the night of the party, it's what had been decided…he took a few quiet calming breaths as Edward breathed a bit heavily and gave him a sharp once over.

He really wished he knew-…

"Yeah, course' it's right Alphonse, that's the way society says it should be, that's the way the law says it should be." Edward said, shrugging his bare shoulders –he was shirtless, dammit- as if it were such a stupid question to ask.

 _'Why is he being so patronizing?'_  Alphonse swallowed down the lump in his throat and shook his head, feeling hurt, insulted and angry,

"So why the hell are you bringing it up?!" he shouted despite wanting to stay calm.

Edward didn't give anything different away in his expression; he continued to look impatient and annoyed as he shouted back,

"Because you said you were okay with it but  **look**  at you!" he gestured his hands harshly and Al had finally had it with the superior tone of voice Edward was using.

He gave up on trying to quell his anger, it was a lost cause anyway, his anxiety was rampant now and he could feel the pain travelling all the way down his back and into his legs, so he took it out on Edward,

"Look at  **me**?" he snapped harshly, "Why don't you look at yourself?" he jabbed his finger at Ed rudely, "Worry about your goddamn self, I'm doing what I'm 'supposed' to do," he made sure to sound as sarcastic as possible and then he attacked Edward's apparent useless way to pass his time, "What're  **you**  doing? Sitting on the couch all day waiting for me to come home so you can ask me what  **you're**  supposed to do? What the fuck is that?" he leaned forward a bit when he yelled that time.

The situation was verging toward a physical confrontation, at least for Al it was, he'd been resisting an urge to take his anger out on Ed physically for a while now because he was left constantly frustrated  **every**  fucking time he realised he couldn't get through to the older blonde with  _simple words_.

The saying did go that actions spoke louder than words and the idea to use his fists were looking better by the second. Edward was so stubborn it was infuriating! Words didn't reach him, they  _never_  had, he just could not  **talk**  Edward out of something, he could not be reasoned with…

…except usually when it came to Al, but that was in the past and  **now**  Edward gave him the same constantly guarded and unwavering frame of mind and treatment as everyone else used to receive.

He didn't think he could be blamed for wanting to smack out the next lot of redundant words that came from Edward's mouth,

"Don't you  **tell me**  to worry about my fucking self, you might have forgotten or just don't give a  **fuck**  anymore but I haven't, I have not forgotten or stopped giving a shit about  **you**  because you're my  **brother** ," and there is was, the usual, nothing new, nothing helpful, just the same shit on a different day that would get them absolutely fucking nowhere, "so don't make light of me caring about you-…"

"I don't want it!" Alphonse had to cut him off, he couldn't listen to any more benign 'I loves you's' and 'we'll always be brother's' lines, it was all just blah, blah, blah because it  **would not**  be that way again between them and how Edward failed to see that the two of them choosing separate paths and leading 'normal' lives would inevitably distance them as siblings,  _baffled_  him,

"I don't want you to pat my shoulder, and don't ruffle my fucking hair like I'm some little child, don't smile at me like everything is fucking hunky dory," he continued to yell, even as his throat hurt and his voice cracked.

Ed needed to know his attempts at brotherhood were  _futile_  because Al certainly was not feeling any warm and fuzzies over it, "and don't  **ask**  me what we're supposed to do when you know, you  **KNOW** exactly what the fucking problem is!" he pointed straight at Ed again for emphasis then took in a deep breath and glared at Edward as best he could while trying to hide the fact that he wanted to cry.

Edward stared at him wide eyed for a short moment, his bare chest rising and falling from the exertion of their argument and then he bared his teeth and Al was surprised at the raw anger in his older brother's face,

"The fucking problem is that you can't make up your fucking mind about what the fuck you want!"

It would always shock Alphonse when he thought about it later, but the truth was, he had a temper just like his brother, it was obviously an Elric trait because he couldn't help the surge of fury that shot through him at Ed playing the blame game and he'd slammed the side of his fist into the wall next to him before he could even stop himself,

" **I told you over and over and OVER what I fucking wanted and you couldn't give it to me!** " Al yelled louder than he or Ed had ever before when arguing and felt his fists shake with anger.

He was thoroughly pissed off now.

For months and months and months…and weeks and weeks and days and hours and every painful fucking second that he and Edward had shared any kind of sexual  _intimacy_  he'd had to deal with the  **guilt**  of seeing it make Edward unhappy. Promises of always and anything aside, Ed had  **not**  been able to give himself one hundred percent to Alphonse and  **that**  was where all of this needing to break up and the hollow pain had started.

Well after Al had realised he was sick, after Al had been selfish and manipulated Edward into bed,  _after_  it had been all his fucking fault and they'd already slept together…Edward had been the one unable to fulfil the commitment…

"B- but after-…"

"SHUT UP!" he shouted and shoved Edward backwards, letting his need to physically beat some  _tact_  and  _sensitivity_  into Edward start to seep through the cracks in his badly built up walls of restraint. His anger was mixing with his ever present guilt because no matter how much he tried to pin the blame on Edward, it would  _always_  be his fault that they'd lost the pure love of their brotherly relationship.

Always.

"You made me feel like shit about the whole thing, I felt guilty about even so much as- as…" it hurt to think, hurt to say it, hurt to remember it, "… _kissing you_ …" his eyes burned and he felt himself shaking with anxiety but he kept his glare up. Trying to hide the guilt he felt, trying to make Ed hurt as much as he was because –fuck- Edward looked irritable but calm after he'd been the one to  **start**  the argument, "…so I tried to end it and then that didn't make you any happier and I wasn't any happier and it was  _horrible_  every secondand YOU, fuck, you just confuse me, because one minute it's like you hate  **it**  but the next you…" he took in a few breaths as he regarded Edward's face.

He looked unaffected, almost like he'd been expecting everything Al had to say,

 _'My words have become just as redundant to him…'_  he realised, heart sore and angry at being dismissed, because Edward always said he loved him but Edward had  **never** treated him like this, so why now?

He clenched his jaw and raised his hands,

"You…" he wanted to grab Edward and shake him, he also just wanted to ask Ed to stop looking at him like that so he would stop feeling like he was the  **worst**.

 _'It's all my fault and I know it and he knows it and now he's just staring at me, probably thinking how pathetic I am, how I ruined everything, how I hurt him…and I'm…I can't…I don't feel guilty about loving you Edward,'_ he thought miserably and he ground his teeth together,' _I just feel guilty about trying to force you to love me back.'_

He prepared himself then, for harsh words, for stronger more direct accusations, he prepared himself for the onslaught of –truthful- hurtful things Edward had every right to say him, because everything was his fault for being sick. He almost  _wanted_  to hear it, it'd be a relief, it'd make it easier to give himself to Elizabeth if he knew the full extent of Edward's disgust, disappointment and resentment towards him.

He felt like he deserved to be told just how disgusting and selfish he was, for the first time, he felt like he  _really_ deserved it. It wasn't the superficial feeling of 'I'm wrong I know it but I still want it'. It was the feeling of knowing what he'd done had and would continue to  **ruin**  people's lives, knowing it would never go away.

Knowing that no matter how well he pretended or how many times he apologised, he would always be sick.

So he focused on Edward and ignored his paining insides, he breathed slowly and blinked back tears and let himself embrace the fact that he deserved to finally be acknowledged as imperfect by his beloved older brother.

Edward sighed heavily and shrugged,

"So, what now?"

The words struck Alphonse like a slap across the face and his eyes widened; he stared at Edward for only a second before he could not contain his anger and frustration anymore.

He tackled Edward, literally threw himself into his older brother, hands first and randomly aimed at his neck.

After all that, after arguing and dredging up so much of their shit and unhappiness, after making Al think he'd finally be getting the raw end of the deal, the side he most deserved for being a fucking selfish, sick, ungrateful brat… Edward was still in denial.

Edward was  **still**  hiding behind the idea that Al could do no real wrong and that was…it was…it was  _worse_  somehow.

Alphonse didn't want to be treated like a fragile saint because he wasn't! He was mentally screwed up and he was wrong and Edward had the  **nerve** to confront him about it and then flip his attitude back to submissive and altruistic as if it there were some sort of switch for it!

It wasn't  **flattering**  to be worshipped or adored or exempted for his horrible behaviour, it probably should have been, but to Alphonse it just wasn't. He had gone past the point of being content as the little brother who was doted on all the time by his sibling.

He was an adult now, Edward was too and the things he wanted had changed!

He wanted  **real**  life,  **real**  emotions,  **real** pain,  **real**  love,  **real**  sex and  **real**  feelings. He didn't want to be pandered to and handled like he was precious because he wasn't. He was human, so human and so weak it disgusted him to think of it a lot of the time.

Why couldn't Edward just let him be  **human**  and love him for it.

 _'Maybe because…if he allows himself to acknowledge how fucked up I really am, he wouldn't be able to still love me at all.'_  Al thought as he was hefted roughly by his waist and shoved backwards over the armrest of the couch.

Their combined weight made the foundation of the couch creak as he was slammed down onto it with Edward half way on top of him, the wood inside hurt his back and shoulders from the impact and he growled softly as he grabbed blindly to get at Ed.

He let out a sound of hurt and miserable frustration when Ed wormed away and he quickly kicked out at Edward's shin when the older blonde had gotten up off the couch and attempted to grab him up by his shirt. Edward went off balance only slightly and Alphonse took advantage of it before the order's reflexes could kick in. He surged up and grabbed Ed's waist, putting all of his weight behind it and sending Edward backward with a misstep and a shout of surprise.

Alphonse grunted as they hit the ground, Edward's back had clipped the side end of the table when they fell and he made a sound of irritation –which Al recognised as a tell that Ed had been hurt. Al quickly got his arms out from under his brothers back as he moved up so he was kneeling over Edward's chest.

He pressed one of his knees into Edward's elbow joint, successfully pinning that arm and he grabbed the other by Edward's forearm and pressed it down against the tile at the side of the older blonde's head.

He was out of breath and it annoyed him, he wasn't properly fit, he hadn't been in peak condition since before Xing and whenever he thought he was getting back to good health something always got in the way. He had a weak constitution too, his body hadn't lived through all that much and so when illness or stress hit him he took it hard. It was unfair in a way.

And it frustrated him and hurt his pride that Edward threw him over to the side in the next second with ease after stating that Alphonse could  **not**  pin him. He couldn't hold Ed down and being very agile the older blonde had twisted and manoeuvred beneath him with expert ease.

Alphonse grimaced when his shoulder hit the tiles but he kept his eyes open and once again stopped Edward from getting up by kicking his right foot as he tried to get up from lying on the floor.

He was running on anger and emotionally induced adrenalin and all he wanted to do was get the damn upper hand.

He heard Edward cuss as he landed on his side and then Alphonse scrambled over him and tried again to pin him, some childish sort of determination driving him to prove Edward wrong. It was a struggle though, a distracting one, he was trying to get Edward's arms in his grip but the older blonde was blocking and twisting his own grip awkwardly and trying to get out from under him.

Alphonse had nothing to grab on to for leverage because Ed was shirtless and he was desperately trying not to focus on Edward's bare chest, his muscles tensing in little rippling movements every time he moved, the light sheen of sweat that was now layered over his finely tanned skin.

Trying hard not to and failing badly.

There was no way he couldn't have noticed that Ed's loose elastic band sleeping pants had slipped down on his waist and left quite a bit more skin on Edward's lower abdomen visible than would be considered decent.

After taking a few more forearm to forearm knocks from Edward, Al dug his knees into Edward's sides and when the older blonde made another sound of irritation –hurt- again, Al placed a hand on Ed's face and pushed it sideways.

That moment where Ed was distracted enough to stop trying to shove Al off in order to grab his arm or hand was enough for Alphonse and he dug his knees in deeper while he grabbed one of Ed's wrists quickly with his free hand. Once he had one wrist secured, he moved his hand from Edward's cheek and jaw to replace it with his forearm but he could feel the strength in his older brother from his firm writhing.

Al was trying very hard to hold him down.

He was having a hard time keeping grip and he panicked when Edward exhaled noisily and let go of Al's upper arm to –more than likely- shove at his face as well, so he quickly moved his hold on Ed's face and grabbed the wrist of the hand coming at his face. His mistake was obvious even to him and he could have screamed in frustration as he put far too much weight and balance into a forward movement to keep Edward's wrists pinned.

Edward was breathing heavily, much like himself, but the older blonde looked damnably amused as he looked up at Al. They both knew that Alphonse didn't have a good grip, his knees were sore on the tiles and his legs not strong or properly grounded enough to keep sufficient pressure against Edward's sides. On top of that, his upper body strength was completely balanced forward to hold Edward's hands to the floor…which left his equally strong bottom half completely free.

Ed had the smug nerve to smirk at him,

"You can't  **pin**  me, Alphonse…" he said matter-of-factly and before Al could retaliate he felt himself knocked forward jarringly by Edward's waist from underneath him.

He didn't even have a chance to assimilate because Ed was fast and stronger and Al was ill and distracted by his frustration and petulance and before he knew it, there was a dull pain in his stomach and the world flipped.

"Fuck!" Alphonse exclaimed and his words bled into a groan when he hit the ground on his back.

The knee that had pressed into his stomach, the pain from his socked feet hitting the wood shelving and the tight grip on his wrists paled in comparison to the ache of hitting the tiles, full back, without any means of breaking the impact.

Pain shot up his back, he heard himself groan again but before he could even arch away from the tiles and try to ease the pain, the weight of Edward landed on his hips and he felt his older brother's legs lock tightly either side of him and at the same time his wrists were pinned across each directly above his head.

There was no room for movement and he knew it, he was trapped…beneath his half naked, sexy older brother that he was in love with and all at once the ruffles in his feathers smoothed out and he lost his steam completely. He felt miserable all over again with the new addition of pain from their little wrestling match to go with his internal pain he just felt worse.

It really was unfair…that things had turned out this way between them.

He flinched when another book –of the many that had fallen- fell from the shelf and landed on his foot. He didn't dare wriggle or squirm while he was beneath Edward's body. He didn't want his medication subdued feelings to surface right then, he was having a hard enough time as it was just seeing Ed like that.

"You may have me beat in skill Alphonse, but you're nowhere near as strong as I am." Edward said in his 'I'm so badass' tone of voice. It used to amuse Al –and sometimes embarrass or exasperate him- when Ed would smack talk his enemies or his colleagues, but now it just made him sad.

Because what Ed said was true, in a different way.

"Yeah…" he agreed sadly, wishing he wasn't being pinned down so he could leave the lounge to hide away in his room and curl up in a sore little ball on his bed, "…I know that, if I were as strong as you, I never would have fucked up our lives like this." He kept his eyes from trailing after a bead of sweat as it slid down the line of Edward's sternum slowly but he still licked his lips absently.

He watched as Edward's playfully smug expression quickly turned as miserable and sad and he could guess his own was. So much pain, he remembered a time when he would have given anything to get that misery and guilt off his older brother's face as teenagers…he wondered just when he'd stopped wanting to see Ed happy.

Maybe Edward was right, maybe he had stopped valuing their brotherhood, maybe he only really cared about whether he could be with Ed as more than just as a relative these days. And that idea made him feel worse because even though he acknowledged it, it didn't make him feel or want any differently.

He wanted  **all**  of Edward, not just parts of him.

Edward released his wrists and got off of him and he painfully pulled himself up to sit, Ed sat beside him on the floor. There was silence for a short while, he glanced at Ed and saw the older blonde scratching his chin absently, looking thoughtful about something, Al wished he knew what but he also didn't want to know.

In case Edward was mentally agreeing that Al was a fuck up, in case he was thinking of Winry, or Mustang or anything besides good things to do with himself.

His stomach clenched up right then and Edward noticed because he flinched,

"Al…shit, I forgot, are you okay?" He asked and Al felt a warm hand settle on his shoulder.

Alphonse inhaled quietly and wrapped his arms around his midsection, looking down at the tiles between his legs instead of into Ed's concerned face,

"Yeah, I didn't feel it until right now…" he sighed and remembered he really wanted to leave the room "…besides I started it." He admitted and clenched his fists a few times absently.

He didn't want to just get up and leave abruptly, they'd just had such a big argument and he remembered parts of it being about Alphonse not being willing to talk, or something about being a robot. He'd been so startled by Ed's planned attack on his emotions, he hadn't really absorbed everything Ed had yelled at him in the beginning.

At the same time though, he didn't want to be close to Edward because it hurt, especially since he was looking so good and all that did was tempt Alphonse to make the same old mistake of guilt tripping Edward into being with him.

 _'No more, if he ever wants to be with me again, he'll have to be the one to say so.'_  Even as he thought it, it hurt. Because Alphonse knew there was no was no way in hell that Edward was ever going to want to be with him completely voluntarily.

"Do you feel better, I'm sure you still want to hit me in the face?" Edward said quietly, Alphonse wondered if he was trying to joke or being serious. A part of him did still want to physically hurt Ed only because it seemed –even after their little spat- that it was impossible to impress on his older brother the point that Al did  **not**  need to be spoiled and treated like something precious and perfect.

Even if he sometimes loved the reverence Edward showed and felt toward him, recently it had only become twice the burden because he could not  **live**  up to that perfection!

"I'm not sure, I'll know whether I still want to once my body stops hurting." He spared Edward –who was staring at him sadly- a glance.

He remembered a very long time ago, before he'd ever even really kissed Edward. He'd used the lowest, most vile form of manipulation to get Ed closer. He'd threatened to leave the older blonde, he'd worded it nicely, saying that it would be best if they went their separate ways.

He'd slyly pressed all the buttons he'd known would push Edward into a corner…until the older blonde had been right where he wanted him.

And it had worked.

Now though, he would  _never_  do it again, no more lies, no more manipulation, because Edward deserved more, so much more, more than Alphonse was even worth. And while Edward would never agree –out loud, he assumed- that he was wretched for everything he'd done to his older brother, it didn't change the fact that it was true.

He moved to stand up, deciding he couldn't wait any longer to put some distance between them again and to get away from the silence and the heat radiating off of Edward just beside him. He winced as he stood up straight and turned to walk away quickly because he saw Ed had stood up as well.

He didn't get far though and his heart leapt into throat when Ed grabbed him, the beat of his heart increasing rapidly as he first registered the arms slipping around his waist and then faster when he was tugged back and held firmly against Edward's tight, hard chest. Al's heart started to hurt as it throbbed inside his chest cavity and he couldn't supress the shudder that moved through him at being held in Edward's arms, feeling the heat of the older blonde's bare skin through the thin material of his shirt…

…it was awful and wonderful and he frowned deeply, in emotional duress all over again.

His thoughts were somewhere between turning himself around in Edward's arms to get closer or wrenching himself from the tender, close hold in order to rush to his bedroom and medicate away the pain tearing through his abdomen. But he did neither and instead he closed his eyes briefly, letting himself enjoy the slight sensation of Edward kissing the side of his head, just behind his ear and then he very quietly reminded Alphonse that he loved him.

And it was bitter sweet to hear, because even if it was true, it wasn't true in the way that Al wanted it to be. All the same,

"I know," he did and it would never hurt him to admit the same to Edward, "I love you too…Brother." He took a chance using that word again and yet that time when he said it…it sounded right.

It sounded like it always used to and for a moment Edward squeezed him tighter just so, breathed deeply, and then the hold was gone and Alphonse was left to pull his stomach back up from the free fall it'd done into his guts. Fuck, he felt weak and shaky; he needed some space to get his heartbeat and his emotions under control…

And yet part of him still wanted to stay close to Edward, especially when he smelled like he did right then. No overpowering fragrances from perfume, deodorant or soaps, Ed's skin was day worn and he'd been sweating just enough that his natural musk was permeating off of him and it was perfect, raw and completely Edward in every way.

Alphonse glanced around as he wondered whether Ed had been thinking anything similar since just a minute ago the older blonde had inhaled deeply against his hair,

 _'Does he like the way I smell?'_  he hoped.

Edward had told him as much on different occasions but it was usually when they'd laid in bed together after a shower, or when Al would be dressed and ready to go out to uni or work and was wearing cologne.

That should have been enough really, those compliments, after all Edward didn't owe him anything anyway.

"I'll clean it up." His eyes quickly snapped back to Edward from the mess of the lounge he'd been absently looking over and he blushed because Ed was rubbing the back of his neck with one hand while the other was resting on his hip and the sight was appealing –because it was so Edward- and also sexy because Ed was so…well, sexy.

Alphonse felt his face continue to heat up and he quickly nodded before he walked toward the lounge exit. But he stopped when he remembered Elizabeth, he'd been thinking he should probably tell Edward about the fact that he'd asked her out, it was sort of a big deal considering what they were going through.

 _'It's what he wanted, he told me…so I shouldn't hesitate to tell him, he probably won't care.'_  but he really did want Edward to care…and be hurt by it, the nastiness of the thought crawled over his skin quickly, making him feel terrible but he still followed through.

Alphonse turned around and looked at Edward as apathetically as he could, which wasn't much since he was in physical pain,

"Oh…by the way, I guess I should probably tell you…" he started and he watched Edward raise his eyes from where he was crouching down and picking up books, his gaze patient and expectant, "…I asked Elizabeth to be my girlfriend and she said yes," he didn't bother to drag it out, "I'm going out with her tomorrow night…" for a second he saw Edward's eyebrows draw closer together, as if he might frown "…is that… _okay_?" he drove it home.

Using a word he loathed and he watched as his older brother averted his gaze, but he didn't frown in the end, his expression actually smoothed out and when he looked at Al again he seemed calm and accepting,

"Yeah, that's okay," he said quietly and casually, "you have fun." Edward  _winked_  at him and then he turned his attention back to the task he had started.

Alphonse clenched his jaw and fists, he felt stiff with tension but the moment Edward had looked away his face fell and he swallowed a sound that threatened to escape from his throat before he turned and rushed –quietly in his socks- down the hall and into his bedroom.

That afternoon spent in his bedroom was no different than many others that he'd spent crying himself into exhaustion after self-medicating, thinking of the painful irony that at one time Edward was the person he'd have sought comfort from, but now, Edward was the source of his pain…

…and he was the only one who could make it stop hurting.

* * *

 

  
_Look at me, you can tell_   
_By the way I move and do my hair_   
_Do you think that it's me or it's not me?_   
_I don't even care._

_Just look at me, look at me now  
I'm a fake..._

* * *

A week had passed.

A whole week of mundane life with Edward as a brother, and while Alphonse didn't think the situation was getting easier per se, it wasn't as hard to stand anymore. The first two days had been the worst, Edward had continued to treat him as brotherly as was humanly possible –minus the hair ruffling- and it had grated on his nerves but all of the forced attempts at smiles and conversation were slowly starting to bother him less.

By the time it was mid-week Ed's smiles were less forced, so while they were sadder, they were more genuine. Edward's breakfasts were simple but he made them every morning, and the tea he made for Al still tasted just the way he liked it and while the older blonde no longer insisted on trying to spend a lot of time together or attempted to make platonic brotherly contact, he was still there…always there…just like he'd promised he would be.

Alphonse sighed as he pulled a plain white button up shirt on to go with his black chinos, he'd already showered, medicated sufficiently and had done his hair and the shirt was the final piece he'd need before going out.

He sighed again and closed his eyes in irritable exhaustion as he buttoned the shirt up until only the top two were left open. He had –another- date with Elizabeth.

The first one had been two days ago.

Their first date had gone well. He'd taken her to dinner at an upmarket restaurant that he was lucky had a reservation open since he'd made a last minute call only Tuesday morning to book it. Alphonse had paid for a cab to fetch her and once they'd reached the restaurant he'd bought her a single rose from a person selling flowers. Typical date-like things he'd learned through his teenage years, things he knew a gentleman should do when courting a lady. He'd pulled out her chair for her, he'd complimented her on her appearance –which was easy since she was stunning-, he'd made sure to pay attention when she spoke –which was also easy because she was fun, intelligent and they were friends. He'd paid for their entire dinner and then the cab to take them home, dropping her off first and she'd laughed when he'd jumped out and opened the cab door for her.

He'd been just going through the motions.

She had been very happy, Alphonse had been able to tell even before she'd sincerely –with a smile that by all rights should have mesmerized him- told him that she'd had a wonderful time and said 'thank you so much' for the evening.

What had vexed him horribly when he'd finally returned home that night afterwards, was realising that he had enjoyed himself too. Elizabeth's company was always a pleasure and he couldn't even pretend differently. Worse still was that Edward had been in the lounge, waiting up for him, and he'd looked relieved and exhausted to see Alphonse.

Then he'd gone to bed, saying a pleasant good night with a light, hesitant, pat on Al's shoulder and left Alphonse to think about how much he hated that Edward was not missing him or being jealous, he was just being 'brotherly' and worrying about him when he was out.

It was so fucking frustrating.

But it had gone on that way and Alphonse had gone on another date Wednesday night with Elizabeth, and then Thursday night as well and the one he was presently preparing for what would be the fourth. Four dates in four nights…

He honestly became more and more disheartened at having to use the Cenz he'd saved up for the trip to Xing for their dates but it had been going to go to waste if he didn't start using on it.

He'd even bought some groceries Thursday afternoon as a contribution to the household with some of the money.

But he'd never dated before and he was realising that dating a girl required many things, and having a good of amount of Cenz to spend was one of them.

Although Elizabeth wasn't the type of girl who gave off the impression that she was high maintenance, knowing the background she was from made Alphonse feel like he needed to do right by her probably high standards, whether she'd say so or not, she was likely used to expensive restaurants, clubs and that sort of thing.

He sighed yet again and then became even more irritable at the continuous flow of sighing he was doing, exhaling excessive amounts of air was not releasing any of his pent up emotional frustration.

Or any other frustration for that matter.

As he moved to his wardrobe Alphonse heard a door open, he knew Edward was home but he hadn't seen the older blonde all day. Edward had started spending a lot of time in his room again, staying awake until early hours and Alphonse could only assume he was reading, researching or working on something alchemical.

That behaviour was part of what made being around Ed platonically tolerable, since he was always working, tired or moody, he tended to give Al more space.

And Alphonse dealt much better with not having to pretend like he was happy just being brothers, it was so much better when Edward was too tired to do more than say something like 'hope your day was good Al' and then get stuck into work or go to his room and leave Al alone to wallow miserably in secret.

He still had his moments, when Edward would be sitting at the breakfast table and he'd be forced to be in his presence for that long at least and while he'd watch Ed talk or eat he'd remember a time when he'd had permission to reach out and hold his brother's hand, or lean over and kiss him on the lips.

Then he'd remember that sometimes Ed would look happy and other times he'd look disappointed, or upset and that would bring him forcefully back to reality, the reality that if Edward had been strong enough to make the decisions in the very beginning, they'd probably never have been anything more than brothers.

It still shocked and shamed Alphonse on some level when he realised how completely merged his views of Edward as a brother and a lover had become, it was no longer one or the other for him, it was one and the same.

He applied a single spray of cologne to the front of his neck and then replaced the bottle in his wardrobe and turned to look in his mirror.

He assessed himself without a smile or a care for anything besides whether he was 'presentable' for a date in public. It was all about doing it right, it was all about the appearance for Elizabeth and anyone watching, he had to appear normal because that was the way the world worked.

Finally he opened his sock drawer and dug into the back of it, pulling out a silver casing he'd made to keep his savings in. He opened it and extracted a suitable amount of Cenz for his night out taking Elizabeth to see a movie –he was finally getting to go- and then put the casing back. He made his way to his bedside to grab his pocket watch off the top and as an afterthought he pulled his drawer open and used a hand to push the remainder of his prescription med bottles inside, lest Edward come into the room for any reason and see them.

Alphonse was actually amazed that in the five days past, Edward hadn't once ventured into his bedroom for any reason, not even to feed CookieBoots. He did notice that Ed had been leaving his bedroom door open and feeding the cat from the kitchen stash of food occasionally. He also knew that his brother had noticed something about his moods and personality wasn't right and yet hadn't even so much as asked.

It struck Al as odd and slightly offensive, he knew Edward wasn't stupid and had to know he was on some form of medication because he'd seen the concerned looks he'd get whenever he was visibly affected by the medication, still, Edward never said anything and it made Al think that either Ed thought he  _needed_  to be medicated, or he just didn't care enough.

He'd wondered a few times if he should just ask, since Edward had stressed in the argument they'd had a week ago, that they needed to talk to each other. But Alphonse didn't want to talk…because talking only caused problems. From the very beginning when he'd first confessed his feelings, he'd started to fuck everything up and he was tired of digging himself deeper into the trench of shit he'd fallen victim to.

_'I'm not a victim, Edward is the victim, I'm the selfish fu-…"_

"Alphonse?" there was an even knock on his bedroom door and he paused, he'd been absently fiddling with rolling up and neatening his long sleeves to the top of his forearm.

He no longer felt any  _serious_  underlying physical anxiety when Edward came near him, just a bit of tummy turns and skin prickles which faded after a while. It was a good thing and a bad thing, good because it meant he was finally starting to _cope_  with the break up and bad because he didn't want to get used to things being that way.

No, he still wanted Edward…

With a deep exhale, he walked to his door and opened it.

Edward had been looking down and he raised his golden eyes, they seemed a little brighter in recent days as if slowly but surely the misery was clearing, as if the dark clouds were lifting for him, Alphonse wondered –unhappily- if he was looking similar. Because even though things weren't the way he  _wanted_  them to be with Edward, they were better than they had been just a week ago. Perhaps time and patience and unconditional love truly did heal emotional wounds, however slowly.

"Yeah?" he asked in a neutral tone, one he couldn't really help when he was as doped up as he was.

"I wanted to let you know that I'm going out…" Edward said in a quiet voice and Alphonse immediately dropped his eyes to assess what Ed was wearing, "…you look like you're going out too?" Ed added, it was a question.

Edward wasn't dressed up, not really, the usual with Edward was jeans and a shirt so Al didn't think he meant 'going out' on a date. Yes, it still bothered him to think Ed was moving on, it bothered him more that while Ed used to occasionally mention Roy Mustang, he no longer did at all. What it meant, Al could only speculate,

"I am, yes, Elizabeth and I are going to movies." He said plainly, every time he announced a date to Ed he watched carefully for a reaction.

Sometimes he'd get a blank faced nod, sometimes a smile or a wink and sometimes if he looked hard enough, he thought –or hoped- he could see a bit of sadness in Edward's careful façade.

Right then Edward gave him the blank faced nod,

"Ok, well we can leave together if you're ready to go?" he asked, gesturing down the hall with a slight jab of his thumb. Alphonse returned the nod, and when Ed stepped back he stepped out of his bedroom and they walked down the short hall together and then they put their shoes on in silence and they left.

It felt strange and as they descended the stairs together, Alphonse realised they hadn't done so in weeks. And it was unsettling to think of how distant they'd become and it brought up his guilt, even if it was muted by the medication, he was still aware of it. His relationship with Edward as a brother had really deteriorated horribly, even then as they walked, they didn't speak, didn't look at each other, neither of them were smiling…

…it was just so wrong to be that way.

Alphonse frowned slightly as they reached the lobby and he glanced at Edward, the older blonde had his hands in his pockets and wore his hair in a long braid, he didn't often braid his hair to go out, only to sleep. It made Al want to know,

"Where are you going?" his voice was flat and he didn't try to camouflage it with a smile or anything.

Edward looked at him, he didn't seem surprised or bothered by the question and he shrugged,

"I'm just gonna get a drink at the bar a few blocks down, I won't be out long." He mumbled.

They had walked across the lobby and through the doors out into the open and Alphonse stopped on the sidewalk when they'd reached the bottom of the stairs, he turned to face Edward. He wondered if Ed was lying about where he was going, thinking maybe he was going out to meet someone and just didn't want to say…but then, Edward had admitted to him at Gracia's party that he'd gone out and gotten drunk and since then, Edward did have at least two or three glasses of wine with his dinner most of the time.

It worried him, he'd noticed that while Edward never got drunk per se, he was affected by the alcohol on some level. When they'd still been together it had made Ed act bolder, lowered his sexual inhibitions in a way that would be considered typical had Alphonse not been his brother. But nowadays it just made Edward quiet, withdrawn…

"Don't we have alcohol at home?" he ventured curiously, noticing that Ed seemed a bit surprised at him stopping to talk instead of just going their separate ways.

Edward raised his eyebrows,

"Yeah…but it's, uh, it's too quiet." He sounded sincere as he glanced at the building and Alphonse felt bad, it was always quiet and it unnerved him a lot of the time too. Also they never really talked at all and it was mostly because of him, he never wanted to talk because it was easier to avoid Edward. It was just another example of how bad things had become between them. He frowned as an idea came to mind, one that would get him out of his date with Elizabeth and would also put him in a trying position for the rest of the night.

But when he weighed the pros and cons of his idea, the answer was simple, Edward and tension won over Elizabeth and easy company hands down, because he loved Ed more than anything, even if it was hard to be around him.

Putting his selfish needs and feelings aside for the moment he smiled slightly and was hurt by the widening of Ed's eyes, as though him smiling at the older blonde was surprising. He didn't comment on it though,

"How about I cancel with Elizabeth and you and I go to the movies?" his voice still sounded flat but he kept up his small smile and hoped not to be turned down.

He was reaching out, trying to bridge a small piece of the huge gap he'd single handedly created between himself and the person who he'd always been closest to, loved and trusted with his whole heart and soul.

"Uh," Edward blinked at him and then shook his head and smiled sadly, "you don't have to do that Al, you have plans with your, uh, with Elizabeth, you don't have to worry about me, I'll be fine."

Alphonse felt a little put off by that reply, yet again Edward was putting him first and perhaps it was a bit –only a bit- manipulative to ask his next question, but he did anyway,

"Ed, do you want to spend time with me?"

Edward frowned with worry and very quickly he nodded,

"Yeah, of course I do Al." he said quietly and rubbed a hand over his mouth before he slipped it back into his pocket.

Yes, Al was manipulating him, but this time it was for a good reason, something that would be good for them both,

_'I need to stop being so distant, it's getting easier to be around him lately so I should make the effort.'_

"Then let's go to movies together, I'll even buy you dinner." He pressed his lips together right after he said that, thinking himself incredibly stupid and weak for flirting with Edward not even seconds after he decided to try again to close the rift between them as brothers.

It was both surprising and upsetting how easily it came to him.

Edward managed a smile, Alphonse didn't know if it was the flirting or the straightforward insistence that they go to movies together, but he seemed a little less down and Al felt good, like he'd done something right for once, however small,

"Yeah, okay…" he nodded, "…but it's kinda short notice Alphonse, isn't Elizabeth going to be upset?"

Alphonse shook his head quickly,

"Uh no, she'll understand, she knows we're close…" he blinked as his bangs were blown slightly into his eyes from the night time breeze and Edward was bothered by it too, tucking his own hair behind his ears, "…she's actually a lot like Winry." Alphonse said sincerely…and a bit sadly.

Edward looked worried,

"You mean her relationship with you is like…?" he trailed off and Al knew what he was asking; whether Elizabeth was as overly tolerant and patient as Winry had been with Edward all the past years.

Alphonse didn't know what had happened when Ed had gone to see Winry a week ago, he hadn't asked about it at all but he'd been curious because since that day Edward hadn't mentioned Winry or Roy Mustang. So he assumed something had happened…most likely something not good at both places.

He nodded,

"Yeah, she's willing to be second." He admitted quietly.

Edward looked…relieved, for a second before he shook his head,

"She shouldn't have to be."

Alphonse didn't know why, but something about the way Edward said it told him the conversation had just taken a turn into a serious place, so he responded accordingly,

"It's her only other option besides being just friends with me." He said looking straight into Edward's face.

Edward stared at him, Alphonse couldn't place any one single emotion in his face but Ed looked deeply affected by what he'd just said, although whether it was good or bad he didn't know. Then he looked to the side, giving Al a pleasant eyeful of his defined jaw line and the line of his throat as he sniffed and swallowed slowly,

"It's kind of hard to believe you feel that way recently, Al." he clenched his jaw a few times.

Alphonse was right, the conversation had turned serious.

He waited as some people walked by them on the side walk, his heart felt sore but his insides weren't hurting, it made it easier to keep talking when he wasn't in pain and when he was able to concentrate and not get stupidly emotional.

Something was changing in him and it wasn't all that bad,

 _'Maybe I'm finally accepting that I can't be with him.'_  He nodded, keeping his eyes on Edward even though the older blonde kept his eyes on a point across the street,

"I know, I've been really distant and it's just because I needed some time to get used to us being just brothers again." He said it quietly, just audibly over the sounds of night in the semi-busy street.

Edward looked back to him and Alphonse ran a hand through his hair and tilted his head,

"But it's getting easier and I think I'm ready to stop…running away, I'm ready to try Edward." He was really sticking his neck out now as Edward stared at him with open eyes, reflecting hope and love and relief.

The older blonde smiled, the sort of smile that Alphonse adored and was sure he was the only person to have ever witnessed. A sweet lopsided smile,  
"Fuck…you have no idea how happy it makes me hear you say that Al, I was getting so sick of giving you  _space_." He shook his head and brought his hand up to press his fingers into his eyes.

 _'He was giving me space, huh. So he wasn't just pulling away from me because I was treating him like a stranger…he was doing it for me?'_  he didn't know why he was surprised, everything Edward did was for him.

He smiled right back,

"Thanks for giving me plenty of time to figure out what an idiot I am, now I can start making it up to you." He said sincerely. Edward just kept smiling as he nodded,

"We both have a lot to make up for because we've both been idiots, so let's do it together." His voice was a bit tense with emotion and Alphonse knew how he felt, since he was sort of feeling it too.

It was bitter sweet relief, they'd possibly finally reached the end of a painful journey and were ready to start a new one, Alphonse hoped he'd learned from his mistakes so that he could go forward without messing up too much.

He nodded and then Edward inhaled deeply and glanced up the stairs to the apartment building doors,

"You should probably call Elizabeth before we go, Al."

Alphonse blinked, he'd completely forgotten about her for a second, he nodded again,

"Oh yeah, right, I should…it won't take more than a minute."

Edward nodded and Alphonse turned to head back up the stairs so he could go inside and use the public phones.

But he did note –and wonder about- the look of smug amusement on Ed's face at his clear forgetfulness.

* * *

Alphonse genuinely felt better.

Even through the medication, he was able to feel good and he shouldn't have been surprised, the medication was not meant to dull good feelings, it was meant to dull the anxiety. It only then fully occurred to Alphonse how miserable he'd been since being on bad terms with Edward.

Presently they were sitting inside the dark movie theatre, the movie was about half way through and while the content wasn't stellar, Alphonse had to admit that it was more entertaining to watch with the background music and sound effects. The theatre was screening a 'horror' so there were a lot of shrieks, high pitched noises and dramatic keys of piano at all the points where something ominous was happening.

Alphonse found himself smiling throughout it, his eyes absorbing everything of the new experience happening in black and white on the large screen, listening to the muffled dialogue with a bit of interest and amusement. Edward on the other hand, was quite near falling asleep, if it wasn't for Alphonse's occasional elbow against his arm, he'd probably be snoring loudly.

He glanced over at Ed again right then when the girl acting in movie was wide eyed, looking afraid when she happened upon evidence of something. Alphonse made an annoyed expression when he saw that Ed had in fact nodded off with his head leaned back and his arms on the rests, so he elbowed him a bit hard and the older blonde blinked blearily as he woke and looked at him,

"Is it over?" he asked drowsily.

A few people in the row in front of them and to their sides glanced at them since Edward had spoken loudly, Alphonse shook his head and glared at Edward in the dark,

"Honestly, if you were just gonna fall asleep we should have done something else." He said quietly, leaning closer to Ed so the older blonde could hear him.

Edward frowned, looking more confused than offended,

"If I had known it was gonna be this boring I would have probably suggested something else." He mumbled back quietly and Alphonse half rolled his eyes,

"Do you want to leave?"

Edward sighed softly and shook his head,

"No Al, you said you wanted to see a movie so we'll watch it." Ed whispered back and Al sighed too, Ed was again doing something he didn't want to just for him,

"Let's go, it's not that interesting anyway." He admitted as he patted Ed's forearm once and then stood up.

He excused himself quietly as he moved along the row trying to avoid stepping on peoples feet or kicking their legs, behind him though he heard insincere mumbles by Edward of apologies and several 'ouches' and 'watch it's' from the people seated in the row. He nearly laughed, usually he'd have thought it ill-mannered that Edward –with a heavy automail foot- was not being more careful but he'd missed Edward so much that his rude antics just amused him,

_'I really did miss him.'_

He glanced back and waited for Edward to catch up before they exited the dark room together and walked into the quiet theatre foyer,

"Sorry Al, it was just really boring…I don't get what's so scary or interesting about seven doors…" he trailed off into a yawn as he scratched his cheek.

Alphonse walked reasonably close beside him across the foyer,

"It's entitled ***** 'The Door with Seven Locks', Ed and it's about supernatural happenings, you know, things that are meant to scare people." He explained, feeling amused.

Edward snorted,

" **That**  wasn't scary, are you kidding, after what we've been through and seen, heh." He shook his head.

Alphonse's smile lessened as he thought about the horrendous things they'd seen and lived through, one of the most frightening and disgusting being Envy's true soul filled form…and then there was Pride, now he had been something to truly fear.

And then of course, Father…that crazy bastard homunculus.

"Yeah," he agreed with a few eyebrow raised blinks as they walked outside into the chilly air and started down the quiet but not empty sidewalk, "I guess I should have said normal people, it would scare normal people." He sighed.

Edward just shrugged,

"We're not normal, Al." he said it so casually Al couldn't help respond somewhat bitterly,

"Yet we're trying so hard to be."

The silence that fell between them was expected and Alphonse took a moment to curse himself for bringing up their ever present problems right then,

"I'm glad we came out, we should spend more time together, Al." Edward said quietly minutes later, when they'd walked a block from the theatre and the silence was slowly bringing a scowl to Al's face.

He glanced at Edward,

"Yeah, we should." He nodded and while he meant it, he was filled with a small bit of yearning for closeness with the older blonde all of a sudden.

Alphonse glanced between them and then around them, they'd walked far enough from the theatre that the streets were quieter and emptier save for the occasional car. He drifted closer to Edward as they walked, remembering that before the break up he'd decided he didn't have to cut himself off completely from contact, and when their shoulders bumped he raised the same arm and put it around Ed's shoulders.

Very briefly he squeezed Ed's shoulders and bumped the sides of their heads together gently, when he felt Ed's hand settle on his mid back and pat him twice firmly, he smiled softly and separated from his older brother, leaving the platonic gesture as just that. Al felt a swell of warmth in his chest and he glanced over to see Ed smiling slightly as well, there was affection in his eyes.

Alphonse had the overwhelming feeling to say something corny and loving and so he gave in to it, because Ed wouldn't laugh at him for being emotional, his older brother wouldn't ever laugh at him,

"As long as we stay together, we'll be fine, right…Brother?" he could hear the emotion in his own voice, personified by the quiet and the dark and the scuffing of the shoes as they walked.

He heard Edward sigh, but it wasn't an exasperated sound, it was relief,

"That's right, Al." he said quietly.

It wasn't perfect, it wouldn't ever be perfect but Alphonse felt like he was finally starting to understand what Edward meant by 'as long as they had each other' they could still be happy in some way.

And as hard as it had all been to suffer through, reaching a point where he could do little things to ease Edward's emotional pain and his own guilt, it did I fact…make him just a little happier.

_'Maybe there is hope for us to be happy again.'_

But subconsciously Alphonse was aware that he'd thought that giving Edward their brotherhood back was enough once before and that it hadn't worked, still, he tried to hang on to the positive feeling.

* * *

 

  
_Satisfied, in your eyes_   
_I'm the biggest fan I've got right now..._

* * *

"I'm glad you and Edward are  _finally_  getting along." Elizabeth said as she stirred sugar into her coffee.

It was Saturday, early afternoon, and Alphonse had –playing the role of a good boyfriend- promised to make up for missing their date the previous night by taking her to lunch the next day.

Alphonse sipped his tea, he had his elbows leaned on the table and Elizabeth was sitting across from him in a small booth in the lunch time busy restaurant,

"We've been getting along more or less." He corrected, since he'd told her over the past week that things between himself and Edward were 'not so bad', they were just fine. She raised an eyebrow and then picked up her coffee cup with thin, feminine fingers, her nails were painted a dark gray,

"So you mentioned, but when you said good afternoon to me when you saw me today, you sounded like you actually thought it was a good day for once. So I'm guessing the two of you actually made some proper amends." She sipped her coffee and then smirked and leaned forward, "Which one of you apologized first?"

Alphonse huffed quietly and shook his head, Elizabeth really did mean well but she had no idea of the way the things she said about Edward and himself would sound to an outside listener.

 _'It'd sound exactly like it should, or should have, if we were still together…ugh…'_ he sighed and reached for the dessert menu,

"No one apologized." He admitted and then changed the subject, "Did you want anything else?" he offered.

They'd already eaten and shared their usual easy conversation, the topic over their food had been purely medical, Elizabeth had told him about some of her classes that he didn't share with her because they were specific to her branch of medicine but he'd had opinions to offer and she'd discussed the different points of their opinions at length. She'd also dropped her fork twice so it clanged on the table and her plate and kept pushing her hair out of her hair face just before it could get in the way of her eating, but it was typical behavior for her.

Alphonse just focused on enjoying talking with her about medicine, it wasn't as enjoyable as talking about advanced alchemy with Edward, or as enjoyable as talking about Alkahestry with Mei, but that was only because alchemy was a first love, the same way it always had been for Edward.

_'Now he never uses his alchemy.'_

"No thanks, are you going to have anything?" Elizabeth asked back as she continued to sip her coffee.

He shook his head as he placed the menu down and fingered the hot tea cup, pressing the pads of his fingers to the round of the cup and letting it burn him just slightly before letting go and doing it again.

They sat quietly for a while, he was staring into his coffee thinking of how nice it had been to return home the night before feeling less tense than he had in weeks. He and Edward hadn't had any awkward silence when they said good night and it had been a nice enough night that he'd taken a smaller dose of medication and managed to fall asleep without any pain.

Usually he had to medicate himself so heavily that he hardly remembered taking the pills from the night before.

 _'It should never have gotten to this point…'_  he thought, but he'd still taken his pills that morning and something told him it'd be quite hard to stop should he want to…

…if things continued to get better between he and Edward, he would definitely have to.

Then Elizabeth sighed and he looked at her, thinking it was his boring company that was making her sigh,

"I have to be home in a half hour, my mother's mother is coming for lunch which means my mother will start fussing at least an hour before." She rolled her eyes.

Alphonse raised an eyebrow,

"Why don't you just say your Grandmother?" he mumbled and lifted his slowly cooling tea to take a sip.

"Are you kidding?" Elizabeth made a haughty expression, "Eleanor Dunn does not respond to that word, she has always insisted I call her by her first name." she was making fun of her grandmother and Al just watched her over the rim of his cup,

"Always, what about when you were a kid?" he wondered aloud with a small smile on his face.

She nodded as she stopped sipping her coffee,

"Always, I was calling her Eleanor before I could properly pronounce it." She smiled, amused, and then tilted her head, "You didn't know your grandparents, right?" she asked quietly.

Alphonse just shook his head,

"No, even if we had grandparents, my mother never mentioned them. The only person we grew up referring to as Granny was Mrs. Pinako Rockbell," he watched as Elizabeth smiled and nodded, he'd mentioned Winry and Pinako a few times, "and she was all my brother and I ever needed as a grandparent and adult figure after our mother died. She took care of us like we were her own grandkids, just like real family, sometimes I wondered how she put up with us…" Alphonse said, thinking of how many times he and Edward hadn't visited or written and when they did how abrupt it usually was.

After all these years it still made him feel like a an ungrateful brat.

"Oh yeah? Were you two a handful?" she asked smiling.

Alphonse smiled nostalgically,

"Not me, not really anyway, but my brother was." He laughed quietly, remembering how Pinako and Edward used to argue and insult one another. Elizabeth nodded slightly, for no real reason and then sighed again as she checked her wristwatch,

"I should go, I told my driver to come back in an hour and it's been quite a bit longer." She stood up.

Alphonse nodded,

"Of course." He said absently as he glanced around for the waitress, she'd left the bill book with him and hadn't yet come to fetch it once he'd put the Cenz in it. When she spotted them making a move to leave he caught her eye and waved the book, she nodded and started to hurry over.

He watched as Elizabeth picked up her handbag while he fiddled with the rough textured bill book, thinking of how many times Edward and he had fought over bills, Alphonse always wanting to help financially…while he'd been royally fucking up everything else. He shook his head slightly, disappointed in himself.

But when he asked himself would he do it again, the answer was yes. He knew now that he would have done anything he could have to be with Edward, although maybe he would have just made slightly better choices for them both at certain points and would have been less manipulative, he would have allowed things to take a less forceful course, maybe been more patient but he knew he would have wanted the same outcome.

They left the restaurant together and walked out and over to where her chauffeur was waiting, Alphonse took a few steps ahead of her and opened the door of the back seat for her. She shook her head slightly but she was smiling quite sweetly, just as Al had guessed, she wasn't ever going to admit it aloud that she was used to this sort of treatment but the fact that she accepted it so readily and didn't look surprised told him all he needed to know.

If he had to go opening doors for Winry she'd make fun of him, snicker, blush or scoff, whatever it was, she'd have a reaction to such treatment because she wasn't used to it. He could even assume Mei would have been awkward about it, but then again, he'd never had the opportunity to pull out a chair for her since Xingese culture didn't favor traditional Amestrian furniture.

He hoped to return there one day, it was a beautiful country with a rich and deeply rooted culture, so much to learn and see…and it would be perfect if Edward would be there with him when he went back some day, even just as a brother would be fine.

She stopped short of getting into the car when Alphonse didn't move to follow,

"Aren't you coming, we can drop you off at home first." She offered.

Al shook his head, he wanted to walk, he'd been making a point the past week to stretch in the mornings and work out a little. It was hard since the medication –even a reduced dose- made him sluggish and sleepy, but since his 'fight' with Edward the previous week he'd become all too aware of his lack of physical strength, at least when compared to Ed. Then again…his older brother's strength was years in the making…

He sighed, quickly blinking away the readily available image of Edward naked that was stored in his subconscious,

"No thanks, I'd prefer to walk, I need the exercise since I've been getting…flabby." He said with a small smile, using a word he'd heard Ed use to describe himself when he felt out of shape.

Elizabeth mock gaped,

"You? Flabby? Alphonse, if anything you've lost weight since you've been unwell." She said quietly, keeping her tone light, trying not to bring him down with the serious topic of conversation she was bringing up,

"Flabby doesn't mean I've gained weight, it means I'm losing muscle tone…if I keep it up eventually I'll be scrawny." he shook his head, thinking back on how he'd been in the first few months of restoration.

Even a year after he'd had his body back when he'd regained a healthy muscle to body fat ratio, he'd never liked looking at himself and seeing a smooth stomach or undefined arms and skinny average legs…not when Edward was walking around in his vests, shorts or boxers unconsciously parading an excellent physique that Al had envied all of his years in the armor.

 _'I don't think I was sexually attracted to Ed back then, but I certainly knew the way his body looked far too well for a brother.'_  He realized.

Elizabeth stepped around the car door and poked a finger into his abdomen and he absently tensed at the first poke and then relaxed, but only slightly because Elizabeth was smiling in a different way, a flirtatious way, and she was standing closer and making him feel a bit uncomfortable,

"Well I won't stop you from keeping fit, I wouldn't want you to lose this six pack." He watched her carefully as she moved her hand to let her palm rest flat against his stomach.

She looked uncertain after a moment and her smile lessened, then her eyes darted to his lips and back to his eyes and he knew what was coming before she leaned up slightly and forward to kiss him.

It was technically their second kiss, but the first since they'd started 'going out' and Alphonse didn't know what he was supposed to feel, but it certainly wasn't much more than a shallow fluttering in his stomach.

All the same, he was her boyfriend and this was part of the package, so he puckered his lips and pressed forward when she drew back slightly to kiss him a second time. Her kiss was soft and tentative, little pecks to his lips, he knew she was insecure over the physical side of their 'relationship' since he hadn't made a single move on her –even just to hold her- since they'd started dating.

He knew it was wrong to say one thing and then do another, but saying he'd go out with her and actually acting on what was expected inside of going out with her was different, he needed to work on it.

So he started by kissing her back lightly and when she smiled on the final lip to lip kiss he did too, she opened her green eyes just as she leaned back and the hand on his stomach moved upward in a way he easily identified as a caress, however subtle and concealed it was between their closeness…in public.

 _'Ed and I could never have been like this in public…we weren't even really like this alone…'_  his smile wavered so he chose to speak before Elizabeth noticed,

"I guess I'll see you on Monday?" he asked in an appropriately quiet voice, since they were standing so close, not needing to worry about the people walking by or glancing their way.

Because what they were doing was socially acceptable and normal…and not sick…

…it still hurt to know Edward was right and was just looking out for him, for both of them.

It would always hurt.

"Yeah…" she sighed and tipped her head slightly as she shook her hair back from her face, "…and we have a paper due on Monday for biochemistry, crap." the wind kicked up slightly and blew some of her open hair into her face again, Alphonse wondered if it would be  _expected,_ as a boyfriend, to move it out away from over her eye.

But he didn't do it, he just thought about it and as she moved the hair out of her face he realized that he was never going to be able to give Elizabeth the kind of relationship she deserved to have in her life, she deserved someone who would be hopelessly in love with her…not settling for her because she was socially and legally acceptable in comparison to what he really wanted.

But what could he do…? Edward said he needed to move on and Elizabeth was the only one that made sense…

"You better go then." He sighed, feeling a little down and a little sleepy.

She nodded and stepped back and only then he realized she'd had her hand on his abdomen the whole time and he had barely noticed,  
"Have you finished your paper?" she asked as she walked back around the car door,

"Yes, obviously, it was given to us on Monday, Elizabeth." He said with a raised eyebrow.

She made a 'cut me some slack' expression,

"Come on Al, I'm not an overachieving brainiac like you." She blinked lamely at him.

Alphonse kept his eyebrow raised and smirked,

"You're just lazy." He told her as she finally got into the car and he closed the door after her.

"I am, I'd love nothing more than to just take a nap when I get home and skip the stupid paper entirely." She frowned childishly while looking up at him from inside the car's open window.

"The nap part sounds like a great idea actually…" he said sincerely, "…I think I'll do just that." He had nothing else to do with his Saturday,  _'Maybe Edward will want to do something.'_  he figured he'd ask the older blonde when he got home, he wanted to keep working on their brotherly relationship.

However hard it still was, it was easier than it'd been when they'd first broken up and easier than a week ago now, so the emotional wound was healing and life would go and they'd have to move forward because it was the only option available to them anymore.

They now had obligations…to normalcy. He loathed the way his life was turning out, the two of them had gone from being people who'd challenged life head on and broke the rules and changed people's lives, they were now conforming and it was bitter, so bitter he could almost taste it.

They said a final good bye and then he stepped back as the car pulled away from the curb, Alphonse pushed his hand up into his hair and left it there, staring at the dark tarmac of the street as he thought about how nice it'd been to go out and get along with Edward the night before, just like old times.

He really wanted it to be enough, he really wanted to stop dreaming about Edward, he wanted to stop fantasizing about him, he wanted to stop craving his scent and his closeness and his kiss and needing more love than the older blonde was able to give to him.

He really wanted to.

But he really couldn't just make it stop.

Dropping his hands at his sides, Alphonse turned and started to walk in the direction that would lead him home and whether he and Edward would do something together that day or he took a nap, he knew that no matter what, it would just have to suffice.

* * *

 

  
_I made sure, that I look how I wanted to look_   
_The people around me, the people surround me_   
_Just look at me, look at me now_   
_I'm a fake..._

* * *

When he walked into the apartment building twenty minutes later, hands deep in his jacket pockets –since the weather was overcast and chilly- it was a completely random happenstance that he glanced around the lobby.

And in doing so he spotted a familiar pair of black jean clad legs, unlaced boots and the top of a blonde head complete with a ponytail visible around the edges of the telephone booth partitions lining the far wall.

Alphonse stopped walking toward the stairs and turned in the direction of his brother, he needed to ask the older blonde of he wanted to do anything that evening anyway so going over to him seemed logical,

 _'What if he has plans…or is making plans for tonight?'_  he found his somewhat jealous side providing him the idea that Ed had a date, he'd been worrying over that for a while now.

He couldn't shake the hurt that accompanied the thought of Edward seeing anyone else.

He sighed quietly as he finally came up to the booths, Edward was three down the row and Al was prepared to tap Ed on the shoulder and let his brother know he was there, waiting, but his stomach clenched and he frowned, back stepping a few times as he caught a bit of Ed's telephone conversation.

"…-t's a safer, less powerful version of the array for conducting electricity that I told you about before. No, I can't release the original for publication, we both know that if an array like that falls into the hands of any shithead psycho-alchemists we'll have another Kimblee or Freezer on our hands." Edward said irritably and then huffed after a moment, "Fine, on your hands, whatever…no, I haven't made a decision about rejoining yet, it was just a slip up, I shouldn't have included myself…shut up." He grumbled.

Alphonse had back stepped and slipped into a booth one down from Ed's and he frowned deeply as he listened to Edward's conversation, he was talking about alchemy –something he no longer ever did with Al- and he'd mentioned…rejoining…after mentioning two of the State's once most violent and well known ex-military criminals.

 _'The military, he's talking about rejoi…'_  he opened his eyes a little wider, feeling ridiculously betrayed, ' _…he said he hasn't made a decision_ _ **yet**_ _. He's considering going back to the military after_ _ **swearing**_ _to me that he wouldn't, we both promised each other.'_  He clenched his jaw and leaned against the partition of the booth he was standing in.

"Yeah, yeah I know…" Edward said sounding bored, "…so listen, can you collect the cheque from the journal on my behalf since you like all that attention," his voice was airy when he said that and Al just knew he was talking to Roy Mustang, "and also, I'm not signing off my consent for them to publish unless the right's release form states clearly they're **not**  permitted to use the name Fullmetal Alchemist anywhere in the journal, just Edward Elric." He sounded serious about that.

This was only the second time he'd heard Edward vehemently deny himself being referred to by his former state title but it really bothered Alphonse, it was like Ed was trying to become a different person and he wondered if it all tied in to this new insistence for the two of them to be  _normal_.

"…you don't have to do that Roy, I can bring the array to HQ on Monday. I have to come in anyway to find out about the construction project this week." His voice was quieter now and tense, Alphonse frowned and listened intently, his heart was racing a bit as he continued to hear things not meant for his ears. Edward sighed and practically whispered, "Talk about what?  **No** , I told you to act like it never happened…why not…ugh…what the fuck Mustang…it happened a week ago, can't you just let it go…?" his words suggested he was annoyed but his tone was quiet and not even irritable, just awkward.

Alphonse felt his heartbeat speed up even more,

_'What are they talking ab-…'_

"It was a mistake, my mistake, I shouldn't have let it happen and I  **don't want to talk about it**." He sounded like he was saying the last part through clenched teeth.

There was a brief silence and he could only just hear Edward breathing over the dull noise in the lobby.

"Geez, I didn't call you for this shit, I was just responding to your message about the publication material…I'm hanging up…" but he didn't hang up "…shut up, why do you sound so fucking amused?  **What…** I am not blushing you bastard." He snapped and Alphonse listened with a sore chest and his stomach doing uncomfortable anxious flips.

It sounded a hell of a lot like Edward and Mustang were talking about…something personal…

 _'Blushing? What…why would he be…did they, did something happen between them, did they…sleep together? Is that what Edward's talking about being a mistake?'_  he swallowed sorely and folded his arms around himself as he heard Edward sigh,

"I'd appreciate that as much as you'll appreciate me not punching you in the face if you bring it up next time I see you." He said in an amicable voice and then snorted, Al guessed he was smirking since his voice was lighter and amused as he continued, "As if, I'm not cooking for you, I keep telling you I'm not a woman…" Alphonse clenched his jaw, Edward sounded a heck of a lot like he was  _flirting_ , "…yeah, okay, that's fine, just as long as you bring food. Yeah, Al and I both eat that…"

Alphonse felt irritated hearing his name mentioned in Edward's insidious conversation, or at least it sounded and felt insidious to him, since Edward had revealed more about himself and his life during this conversation than Alphonse had known about him in  **months**.

In the five minutes he'd been eavesdropping, Edward had –amazingly unaware of his presence for all of his usual alertness- revealed that he still practiced, researched and invested time in alchemy. He'd also revealed that he'd been considering going back to the military. And also that something had happened between him and Mustang which was more than likely not platonic in nature, since recently he'd seen the look of affection in the older man's eyes for his older brother on top of hearing something about Mustang's apparent attraction for Ed from Elizabeth.

He never could have imagined Edward had so many secrets that he kept from him…so many lies.

"Yeah, the original array is in a safe place…I intend to destroy it eventually. Yes. I'm sure." He sighed and Alphonse shook his head, insulted beyond words that Ed would create some array worthy of publication and then destroy it and-

"Alphonse won't see the publication, he doesn't read the Journal of Alchemical Atmospheric Sciences so he won't come across the article… **what**?" Edward's voice went from calm to angry in a second and Al's body went from hot to cold.

 _'He's…he's hiding it from me deliberately?'_  he felt like something inside of him shattered, slowly, sorely and he frowned as his eyes burned and he leaned heavily against the partition with his shoulder.

" **Yes**  you asshole, I  **do**  and I  **want**  to but the time is not right and -…" Edward exhaled loudly and Al heard a dull thud against the wood of the partitions that made the whole row shake, "…you know what, I don't have to explain myself to you. Like I've told you before,  **stay out**  of my business with Alphonse." He ground out and then the sound of the phone slamming down on to the hook made Al jump slightly as he realized Ed was finished on the phone.

He quickly turned to face the phone in his own booth and picked up the phone book, trying to look inconspicuous and shrink into the booth lest Ed glance his way as he passed and…well shit, there's no way Edward wouldn't recognize him.

"Shit…shit…" he heard Edward muttering quietly and he heard the note of regret in his older brother's tone, as if he were upset with himself for losing his temper. It only upset Al more because before witnessing this conversation, Alphonse had  **never**  known Edward to feel bad for yelling at, swearing or being rude to Roy Mustang.

He was staring down blindly at the phone book trying to deal quietly with his slightly wet eyes, sore stomach and the aching constriction in his chest and he was eternally thankful to whoever it was who came to the phones right then. Just as Ed was leaving, Al heard the newcomer excuse himself from what Al could only assume had almost been a collision with Edward in the narrow space between the boots and the wall.

Whatever had happened, Edward had been distracted from noticing him and when Alphonse heard the phone in the booth between the one he was in and the one Edward had been in lifted off the hook, he assumed it was safe to relax.

But he didn't, instead he sagged heavily against the side of the booth while he ached deep inside and he blinked slowly. No tears fell, Alphonse was all cried out, it had been weeks and weeks of this confusing shit and all that was left was an uncomfortable emotional ache beneath the effect of his quickly receding meds.

He knew now that Edward had been lying to him…for what seemed like a long time.

 _'Probably since before I told him about my sickness even, he's been keeping his alchemic work from me…'_  he shook his head, embracing the anger that seeped in to replace the misery,  _'…and now I find out that he's been lying about a lot of other things too.'_  His lip quivered and his fists clenched, he closed his eyes but he still didn't cry, he was too angry now.

He drowned out the dull sound of the man talking on the phone in the next booth as he replayed Edward's conversation in his mind,

 _'The military…he's considering rejoining, what a fucking hypocrite! Double standards…shit…and him and Mustang, it's like Winry all over again. How am I supposed to know that he wasn't already making 'mistakes' with Roy when we were still together…shit Edward…'_  it was like all of his previous insecurities of lies, secrets and monogamy had just been released from the place he'd locked them away inside and were bombarding him all at once.

It was twice the stress…except he couldn't cry and he was going sort of numb inside.

It was as if he was finally becoming desensitized to the constant pain, finally at the end of his wits, finally completely let down, broken down and empty. Before now, before finding out he'd been on the receiving end of so many lies and secrets, Al had been clinging to the idea that Ed still loved him and trusted him as a brother, because all Ed ever seemed to  **want**  was to have his precious little brother back.

But did it even really mean anything? If it did, why would Ed hide so much,  **deliberately**  hide his alchemy work and intentionally keep it a secret that he was consorting with Roy about so many things, including the possible decision to go back on his  **word**  and rejoin the military.

 _'I don't think…I don't think he trusts me anymore and I don't even know whether it's because of my sickness or because I made him sick too. When did he start hiding so much from me, when did he start thinking about leaving me to go back to the military? How long…how…'_  the phone beside him was hung up and he blinked out of his wide, red-eyed state just in time to see the man from the booth next to him walk by.

He glanced in and Alphonse gave him a sharp look just as he passed.

It was a lot to take in and the pain seemed to be more of an emotional suffering now than it had before, not so much physical as it was peeling away at his sanity…because it made it seem like their lives, from the point of his restoration –maybe longer?- were probably integrated with lies.

Edward's lies.

He knew it was unreasonable and overly paranoid to just start assuming that Edward's devotion and love for him wasn't as real as it had always seemed, because he'd felt that love, both as a brother and as a lover, but he knew now that just because Edward loved him, it didn't mean his older brother had any qualms about lying to him.

Fuck, it hurt. He slapped a hand to his face carelessly before he rubbed it roughly over his cheek and eye and then pushed his hair back, clenching his teeth and shaking his head,

"Bastard…lying bastard…" Alphonse thought Edward had some nerve.

Edward was always apologizing, always saying selfless words of always and anything, always blaming himself for everything but now Al saw that maybe it was overcompensation, maybe it was a little too much devotion for one human to be capable of…too good to be true…

…because Edward was human,  _'Just like me.'_  And Edward was imperfect,  _'Just like me.'_  And so Edward was capable of lying well and being selfish, and being devious and manipulative and  _cruel_.

It was just paranoia talking, rearing up from within his overwhelming insecurities, but for the first time, Al wondered if maybe Edward had played him at his own game.

He stared unseeingly at the partition opposite him,

 _'I manipulated him into a relationship he didn't want to be in but that he couldn't say no to. Maybe all of his misery and uncertainty, his constant promises of anything and saying how much he loved me always right before we had sex in that fucking_ _ **brotherly**_ _way…maybe all of that was his way of manipulating me into feeling_ _ **guilty**_ _.'_  He narrowed his eyes,  _'Because even now, he still says it, like he's trying to play on my guilt, saying things like 'normal' and 'right'…indirectly telling me how wrong what I've done is?'_

He was shaking his head, he was confused and he knew he was getting ahead of himself, thinking Edward was running some huge conspiracy on him, thinking his own manipulation had just been applied back onto him, his own sordid strategy to their situation, except in reverse. Guilting him  **out**  of the relationship as opposed to when Al had guilt tripped Ed into it.

He knew thinking that way was a sign of the very guilt he was thinking of acting up strongly.

He felt light headed.

It hardly made sense in his head but right then he wanted it to make sense, even if Edward's character and lifetime of self-sacrifice spoke volumes against such paranoid allegations, he wanted to believe it because he was angry and hurt…

With a loud exhale Alphonse swallowed sorely a final time and then walked away from the booths, determined to go upstairs and confront Edward just the way he'd been confronted a week earlier.

He made quick work of the distance across the lobby and then the stairs and when he reached the apartment he grabbed the handle tightly, fully intending to throw the door in so it'd make a noise, but instead he met resistance and nearly walked into the door when he turned the handle and the door didn't budge.

Irritably- and uselessly- he rattled the handle but he knew from the first try that it was locked,

"What the hell, did he lock me out?" he said angrily to himself, but the more logical answer was that Ed hadn't come up to the apartment from the phones.

The latter was proved right once he'd jammed his –recently recut- key into the lock and made his way inside, he slammed the door behind him and stormed down the hall, glancing into the lounge, kitchen and bathroom as he went. He stepped around CookieBoots when the pet tried to rub up against his legs and reached Edward's bedroom door with his hands out first, he shoved the older blonde's door in so that it swung and hit the small shelf behind it noisily.

He exhaled irritably when he didn't spot Edward –even if he knew deep down Ed was most likely not there because of the locked door- and then he turned his head and glared at the wardrobes,

"He said to that bastard Mustang that the array was in a  _safe_  place. I'll fucking bet." He spat into the silence of the apartment and then walked to the wardrobe and opened the last door the same way he'd opened the bedroom door and it hit the wall noisily as he crouched down to reach the safe concealed in the bottom.

He absently shoved the wardrobe door back again when it bounced back on him before he pulled the blanket off the safe like he'd done the last time, there was no apparel box there anymore but he didn't bother looking to see where the jacket was. He just wanted it confirmed for himself with solid drawn or written proof that Edward had been hiding things from him and  **lying**  to him.

He wanted to be angry, not pathetic or miserable or sad and needy. This was betrayal, this was horrible, it was something he'd never thought would happen to them. He'd  **never**  been able to keep anything from Edward,

"That's why I told you I had incestuous feelings for you, because I could never lie to you, because I  **trusted**  you…" he shook his head, spitting his words quietly to himself through clenched teeth as he assessed the size of the safe and tried to determine how thick the steel top of it was before he clapped his hands together.

His stomach was in knots, his face felt hot from emotions and rage and his hands were shaking as he pressed them to the top of the safe. He felt his alchemy push back at him, resisting, and he quickly readjusted the equation until he'd found the right thickness and then a few small blue crackles sprung up and he transmuted the top of the safe into a removable square slab of steel.

When the glow faded he removed the top and the steel top made a crack in one the tiles when he dropped it beside where he was crouching. Alphonse shifted onto his knees and leaned into the bottom of the wardrobe, putting a hand into the small safe through the open tip and pulling out the first handful of whatever was inside.

He sat back on his legs and stared at the handful of neatly folded papers and a pen that was folded between one of the papers he now held in his hand. The pen slipped out and hit his lap before sliding to the floor with a small clack. He was breathing heavily in anger and he put the papers down on his slanted lap –they mostly slid to the floor- before he picked up one folded page and opened it up…

…and as he opened each page, one after the other his chest hurt more and more. Some of the pages had coded equations, others had array sketches, some had coded theories. Alphonse felt like something was digging deep and scratching at the pit of his stomach with every piece of evidence he found that proved he'd been lied to. The dates on the theories, the deeper he dug into the safe, dated back as far as just after his restoration.

Yet he'd never seen or heard of any of it.

Back then it had already started, Edward had started to avoid talking about alchemy with him…

Alphonse didn't have the time –or the emotional patience- to try and crack Edward's convoluted and headache inducing coding to his written equations and theories but the array sketches were obvious and they were conclusive.

Not only had Edward recovered most of the vital knowledge he'd sacrificed to the Gate, more than just the vital bits it seemed judging by the complicated and ancient runes scribbled onto some of the arrays that Al didn't even recognize, Ed was obviously still actively practicing and working with alchemy…and hiding it from Alphonse.

He had wet eyes and his jaw hurt from clenching his teeth by the time he reached into the safe a final time, grabbing around for what was left since most of the safes contents were untidily crumpled and laying around him.

When he felt a handful size stack of something firm he grabbed it and also felt something else lying next to it, so he grabbed it too. When he'd pulled it out, the second thing he'd grabbed stuck and he had to maneuver his hand to pull it out. He frowned at the neatly folded over –but clearly A1- size draft sheet that had been almost too long folded over twice to pull out of the safe.

He unfolded it with somewhat gentler movements because of the type of paper it was –his hands were still shaking- but his anger was turning to a steady ire the deeper he went and the more the reality set in, so he felt and looked deceptively calm. Once he'd unfolded it over himself and part of it against the wardrobe door, his eyes quickly scanned over the runes, lines and text.

Shit…it was intricate and beautiful and perfect and so…complicated.

Quickly, like the alchemical genius he was, Alphonse was able to determine that the array he was looking at was the one Edward had mentioned during his call with Roy. Not the 'safer' one Ed had created, but the dangerous original, the one that could do as much damage as Mustang's alchemy and then some if it landed in the wrong hands.

He couldn't help that he was impressed by his brother's applied genius to the array, achieving a feat not yet accomplished in the alchemical sciences of being able to manipulate lightning. Atmospheric alchemy; being able to manipulate the sensitive matter in the air…to the extent that a person could control it by using themselves as a conductor. He sniffed –he hadn't realized he'd actually managed to get a few tears out- and he licked his lips, looking away from the array with mixed feelings of hurt and pride as he folded it back up.

There were no real words to describe the pain he felt inside, it wasn't even that it was manifesting physically again, it was the emotional value of it that was killing him.

He was questioning something he never had before, whether Edward's brotherly love for him was as deep and unending as he claimed…because if it was…why was the older blonde hiding something from him that had been their shared love all their lives?

The thing that had changed their lives and  **made** them who they were both figuratively and literally speaking.

 **Alchemy** , it had always been something they shared…but now…it seemed like ever since Al's restoration had no longer been Edward's 'goal', the former  _Fullmetal Alchemist_  no longer wanted to share his gift, his genius or his passion for alchemy with Alphonse.

It hurt…it hurt more than  **anything**  else he'd felt recently and yet it wasn't the same kind of hurt.

This was not about love and sex and sickness.

This was about their brotherhood at the root, this was about the essence and energy that had bound their souls together.

He swallowed thickly, sorely and put the dangerous array back in the safe first, then he picked up the firm stack of letters he'd taken out with it and saw that on the top one it had written a general post office address in Creta with Edward as the addressee.

Alphonse recognized the handwriting as Winry's.

Absently, still sniffing, hurting and shaking slightly, he pulled the elastic band holding the stack together off and flipped through the letters, looking at the dates. All of them were from the time Edward had been in Creta.

Alphonse chose one of them randomly and opened it, he knew what he was doing now was just blatantly violating his brother's privacy, but he didn't care, he was  **angry**  and he'd been lied to for so long, his heart was dark with pain, he didn't think Edward deserved privacy.

He felt so hurt that all he thought Edward deserved right then was the same pain.

He pulled out a four…no five, page letter and frowned as he scanned over the contents, the first page was boring –if a bit flirtatious- and the second page was the same…then the tone changed and a few more paragraphs down Alphonse made a face of revulsion and hastily put the pages back together -in the wrong order- and folded them up, jamming them back into the envelope and tossing it into the safe uncaring of how Edward found it and what his reaction would be when he did.

He deserved no respect, he deserved no politeness…he was a  **liar**.

Alphonse tried not to think of the gross things he'd just read as he refolded all the papers, dropping them into the safe in a completely unorganized way. Finally when all the papers were put away he picked up the pen that had rolled to the floor and he glared at it, realizing it was a pen that Ed's  _military_ colleagues had all pitched in to buy him on one of his birthdays as a teenager. It was a semi-expensive pen with Fullmetal engraved in the silver.

"Sure, you use the fucking pen but you can't wear the jacket I  _made_  for you…" he threw the pen into the safe, furious enough that he hoped it would leak ink all over his older brother's precious –lies- safe of secrets…and pornographic letters.

"Ugh…" he placed the top of the safe back and alchemized it sealed again before he got up and shut the wardrobe door firmly. Alphonse left the bedroom wiping moisture from his cheeks with a shaking hand, he was so worked up that he felt hot and prickly in his denim jacket, T shirt and jeans, his hormones –the good the bad and the ugly- were all over the place.

This had to be one of the worst days of his life, he was sure.

The pleasant feelings he'd had after going out with Edward the night before and all the hope he'd had for being happy again seemed like a distant memory shrouded in doubt and deceit.

That day felt worse than when he'd been deconstructed by the Gate, worse than when he'd been trapped in hollow armor for four years of his life, worse than when he'd been fooled into thinking that he was just the product of Ed's alchemy experiments, fearing that he'd never even been human at all…and it was worse than realizing he was fucked up in the head and sickly in love with his own flesh and blood brother…

…so much worse…because this time he felt like there was a question of how much Ed loved him as a brother.

All else aside, he'd always loved Edward as a brother. Even when the lines were crossed and blurred so badly that brother and lover became one and same for him, behind all that, inside of it, a huge part of it, the best part of it…was the fact that they were brothers and that they shared more than any siblings or lovers probably ever would. It was sick and wrong but it was special and it was fulfilling and unconditional.

Or at least it was supposed to have been.

But still, their closeness, their friendship and unconditional love, their trust, their souls…all before they'd shared their bodies, they'd had more than they'd ever needed just by having one another as brothers. Hadn't they? Wasn't that what Edward kept fighting for?

But if Edward was hiding things from him for so long, if Edward didn't trust him and Ed really didn't want him to be a part of one of the most important things in his life, then how could that brotherly love had meant anything? Or was he only ever included in the first place because his restoration had been the aim of their quest as teenagers. And had he made this secret distance worse by manipulating Edward? By forcing him into a sexual relationship? Did he abolish what was left…if anything had been left at all?

He shook his head quickly, allowing his anger to overpower his self-blame and loathing, because even if he'd done all of that, he'd never lied and kept such serious, life affecting secrets from the older blonde.

This…this one thing, this major lie…it was Edward's  **fault.**

Alphonse blinked a few times and found he was standing at the main door but he didn't even remember getting there or stopping with his hand on the handle. He frowned, he was still breathing heavily and sweating coldly, then he followed through on his absent direction and pulled the door open.

He left the apartment hastily and the building the same, he had no idea where he was going, but he knew he was furious and that he didn't want to see Edward. Not yet, not until he'd got his head together and could figure out a way to rip the truth from Ed, and he could only hope that throwing his brother's betrayal and lies in his face would make him hurt  _nearly_  as much as Alphonse was right then.

Because it felt like his world was being pulled apart…and something was trying to consume him.

* * *

 

  
_My stomach hurts now, and all tied off in lace_   
_I pray, I beg for anything, to hit me in the face..._

* * *

He'd forgotten all about his pills when he'd left the apartment.

He'd barely been able to think straight and when he'd ended up in a bar, it hadn't made much sense to him why he'd gone there, or why he was still there. He wasn't drinking or looking to get drunk; he wasn't the type to drink.

So he'd ordered one lonely beer just because the bar lady had kept asking what he wanted and three hours later it was warm and only half drunk on and he had his head down on the bar, face hidden in his arms looking for all the world like he was drunk and asleep where he sat.

But he wasn't drunk, he wasn't asleep…he was just miserable.

"Hey, you…" he heard the familiar voice of the –annoying- bar lady and the knocking of her knuckles on the bar top just next to his arms. So he raised his head and rested his chin on his arms,

"What?" he sounded quite a bit like Ed when he said that.

It made him feel twice as depressed.

"That beer is probably warm as piss, do you want another one?" she looked skeptical, since he hadn't even drunk the first one in all the time he'd spent in the moderately quiet and dimly lit alley bar. He was amazed he'd even managed to find such a seedy place, he couldn't remember how he had actually.

Aimless wandering he supposed.

He shook his head as he heaved a sigh and sat up,

"No, I'm going…" he said as he slid off the bar stool, wobbling unsteadily from fatigue and emotional exhaustion, but appearing drunk enough to earn the comment,

"Wow, you're really light on juice aren't ya, half a beer has you unsteady." She chuckled.

Alphonse offered her a sarcastic smile which was really more of a sneer and then he patted down his pockets making sure he had his keys and wallet before he walked away from the bar and made his way to the exit.

* * *

He'd drifted again for another hour…or two, he wasn't keeping track and he didn't have his watch. He was just walking the streets of Central in a haze of thought and hurt and disbelief at what his life –his precious life he'd wanted back so badly- had turned into.

It was so easy to place blame, whether it be on himself or Ed. And that's all he could think about, playing it back over and over again, from all the way back to when they'd been little boys, trying to remember signs in his younger self of incestuous behavior or feelings. And then when he couldn't think of any he tried to remember if there'd ever been times when Edward had lied to him, or hidden things from him…there were a few…

But hiding toys as a childish revenge or pretending to be strong even when faced with the sight of their dead mother's coffin were not the sorts of secrets or pretenses Alphonse was looking for from Edward in their history. When he found he couldn't think of anything in the child years, he tried to think of something in their questing years.

But even then he couldn't properly determine, he'd had vision to see Edward but having had no body or emotions to  _feel_  anything for Ed meant he couldn't say what he'd been actually feeling and of course Edward had kept things from him, told him white lies and hidden things.

But again, physical pain, fear and pretenses of confidence as well as words of reassurance in times when all seemed lost were not what Al was looking for.

 _'So then…it was after my restoration when things changed…?'_  and that left him wondering exactly  _when_  and  _what_  had brought about the change. He didn't think it was entirely his sickness to blame since Edward's secret alchemy work predated that, but he knew it more than likely had made whatever was wrong between them worse.

But he still didn't know what the original problem was and it made the entire calculation imbalanced.

All he could think was that he'd missed something and somewhere along the way, Edward had changed. He'd turned into a liar, keeping secrets, going back on his words and apparently fucking around with a man twice his age that he'd  _always_  claimed he couldn't stand.

That thought reminded Al that until recently he hadn't even known Edward was bisexual and might never have if their circumstances had been different.

Even that had been a secret…

 _'It's like he's not even himself any more…'_  Alphonse shook his head, shivering slightly when the wind blew harder, ruffling his hair and pressing his cold denim jacket against the thin shirt underneath. The weather was getting colder as the sky slipped into early evening and he realized that he needed to go home and confront Edward at some point…

…but the idea made his stomach overturn and he made a face of irritation, he doubted he could face Edward right then. He'd only have nastier than nasty things to say and accusations and he knew there'd just be an argument and yelling and if they fought this time…there was no guarantee it wouldn't become violent.

He was afraid as well…that Edward would admit to having been lying all this time, that he'd admit he just didn't…care as much about Al as he did before. In his head he could hear Edward saying 'we grew apart when you were in the armor' because he remembered fearing that very thing so many times during their questing years.

And Edward had always said that they'd always be close and always be brothers…but then again, Edward had always had good excuses for everyone when they called him out on his insensitivity or disinterest in certain people and things, he was a good liar…so Al didn't know if everything after his restoration had just been an act, born of obligation about what was expected of an older brother.

Maybe Edward had clung to him just because there really was no one else in their lives…until Al's restoration.

Then there'd been girls –and apparently boys too – and there should have been Winry and marriage and more than likely children.

 _'But I interfered…I made it so that I was all Edward had, I gave us a new dark secret that no one could know about, forcing him to stay with me…'_  he shook his head again and stopped walking on the curb side, not looking at any of the few people who walked by him,  _'…me…it's me…but it's him too, he_ _ **lied**_ _first, in the beginning.'_  He clenched his teeth.

He didn't want to be the  **only**  one to blame for the mess they were in. Even if he was guilty of obligating Edward to stay with him, Edward was guilty for lying about his willingness to stay close as brothers forever from the beginning.

Alphonse glanced around and hunched his shoulders up as the wind kicked up again, clinging stubbornly to the thought that they were both equally guilty, and he recognized the street name when he looked up ahead a little ways. Alphonse started walking again, uninterested in the fact that he'd walked really far away from where he lived, so far that in another half an hour, he'd have walked to Elizabeth's place.

And so he did, he took the walk briskly, now having a place to go, a destination after hours of wandering around.

It crossed his mind that it'd be rude to just show up, especially since Elizabeth had said her family was having her grandmother over as a guest. But like everything else right then, he tried to push it to the back of his mind and continued on.

When he reached the apartment building he walked inside and was grateful for the warmth, the fact that he was feeling so cold probably had a lot to do with how fucked up he felt physically on top of the change of weather.

Alphonse signed in at the front desk and then made his way to the elevators, he went through the process of waiting and boarding and selecting his floor in a daze, with his head down and his thoughts all over the place.

Trying to consume him…when all he wanted to do was stop thinking for a while.

A few minutes later when the last stop dinged and the doors slid open, he walked out of the elevator distractedly and approached the doors of the penthouse apartment. Only then did he pause, swallow thickly and frown, realizing he'd brought his problems to Elizabeth once again.

But even though he knew he shouldn't be dragging her into his shit…he still knocked on the door.

 _'I guess no matter what, I'm still weak…and selfish…'_  he clenched his jaw and stuffed his cold hands into his jeans pockets. He waited as he usually did until the door was answered and he was relieved that Elizabeth had answered the door,

"Alphonse…" she frowned the moment she saw him, "…what in the world? You're so pale…" she was shaking her head, looking ridiculously worried as she pulled the door open wider, "…come inside." She gestured.

He leaned sideways a bit and peered inside over her head, he couldn't see anyone down the hall but he could hear talking and light music playing, he shook his head,

"I…I'd rather not…" he admitted.

She continued to frown but didn't question him –he always appreciated that- and instead she stepped out of the house and closed the door behind her.

She was in a dress with a v neck and angel straps over her shoulders, it was completely white and fit her thin figure very well and like the last few dresses he'd seen her in, it was just above her knee in length and she wore a pair of heels like she usually did, except they were white to go with her dress,

"Are you okay, what happened?" she took a step closer and he shook his head, he honestly had no idea why he'd come over to ruin her evening,

"I'm sorry, you're obviously having a party or something, I'll go…-"

"No, Al, it just turned into a dinner party because Eleanor and my mother invited some of their friends over, and they brought their daughters and then father went out with some of his friends for cigars and boring conversation…so…" she smiled and he looked at her seriously as she reached out and tugged on the lapels of his denim jacket, "…I'm actually really glad you came because I was getting bored in there, I just wish you didn't look so…" she sighed, "…did you and Edward fight  **again**?" she actually looked a bit angry.

On any other day he would have thought her anger misplaced and found her frown amusingly cute, but right then he was happy that she disapproved of Edward, he was happy that she was happy to see him…

He shook his head slowly, deciding not to get into anything to do with Edward, he really didn't know how to explain any of the new information to her in a less detailed way without just lying,

"No, I haven't even seen him today, just had a bad afternoon…I'm just not feeling very well…I haven't taken any more meds today so maybe it's…uh…" he didn't want to say it but she did,

"Withdrawal?" she looked twice as worried all of a sudden.

He quickly shook his head,

"No…" he told the truth, but it would have been a decent excuse if it hadn't made her look so upset, "…my problems are just catching up, all the problems I take the pills for, you know." He mumbled and rubbed a hand over his face as he sighed.

She tucked some hair behind her ear,

"Did you want to lay down or something, we can go in…" she was always willing help, he smiled sadly,

"No…I just…" he said the first thing that made sense, "…I just wanted to see you." It wasn't a complete lie, when he'd realized where he was earlier the first place he'd thought of nearest to him was her place and he'd immediately headed that way.

Because Elizabeth usually made him feel better.

She smiled and tilted her head, her long open hair fell to the side over her shoulder a bit and she absently gathered it together and started twirling it in her hands,

"Okay, are you hungry or an-…"

"Elizabeth…" he sighed, smiling at her sadly, "…I'm here to see you, not for you take care of me." He realized that that was what had become of their friendship and their 'relationship'. She sighed and let her hair go,

"Okay, so…you don't want to go inside, should we go somewhere, maybe for dinner or a drink?" she suggested.

Alphonse blinked tiredly, looking away from her and shaking his head,

"I actually really wouldn't mind being somewhere quiet and empty, I don't want to be around anyone." He admitted. She nodded and bit her lip as she considered his words and then she raised her eyebrows and smiled,

"I know, there's a pool mezzanine two floors down, its cold out so no one is likely to be there. We could go there and talk, it has a spacious deck, tables and chairs and everything so we can relax." She suggested, clasping her hands together.

Al nodded and licked his dry lips,

"Yeah, it sounds perfect…"

She nodded in return and reached behind her for the door handle,

"Alright, I just need to let my mother know…and you should probably say hi." She looked apologetic.

Alphonse sometimes wished good manners weren't always necessary, but as it were,

"Of course, I don't want to be rude." He forced a small smile and after Elizabeth smiled back, she went inside and he followed her.

* * *

Alphonse didn't know what time it was but he knew they'd been on the pool level for a while now, probably more than an hour. Elizabeth had told her mother they were going to the roof so that no one would come looking for her and just as Elizabeth said, the pool level was quiet, deserted and in darkness.

When they'd arrived there, as she'd said the place was closed up, lights off and looked like it hadn't been used all day. Elizabeth explained to him that it was used at the discretion of the building tenants, so if nobody had come up there then no one would have switched the lights on and the pool maintenance worker would have been the last person there during the day.

It seemed like a waste to him, having a level with a pool that people didn't use, but Elizabeth said it was because people preferred the heated pools at the spas they frequented, her mother was apparently one of them and even though Elizabeth didn't say it he assumed she was one of them too since she shot the cold, dark blue water a glare as they'd walked along the side of the water to the back of the pool level.

Presently though, they were sitting in the moderate darkness since neither of them thought the lights were necessary and he was enjoying the dark solitude. It wasn't anywhere near pitch dark in the large room because the entire level was lined with windows and light from the street below, the building across and the moonlight which did a good job of keeping visually impairing darkness at bay. The entire level was a washed out blue and white color and the view was unremarkable but they weren't settled too near the windows, they were sitting on the side by the deep end of the pool, having pushed two of the many pool chairs nearer so they could talk quietly.

They'd brought up a bottle of nonalcoholic champagne from the dinner party and two glasses for them, along with a tray of tiny sandwiches and other finger food and snacks, but it was almost finished now and they'd left the tray, bottle and glasses on another pool chair nearby.

Alphonse was lying on his back in his own chair and Elizabeth was laying in hers, on her side, facing him. She'd taken her heels off and they were lying askew beside her chair. In that lighting she looked even paler and her green eyes seemed dark blue and shiny and as she talked about her grandmother being a complete pain in the ass, he found himself watching the perfectly still surface of the dark pool water.

But he was listening to her, her presence provided him a calm distraction from his troubles,

"Why'd she say that to you?" he frowned and glanced over at her after she'd finished the end of her exasperated rant,

"Which part?" she laughed but didn't sound all that amused.

"The part about you ending up a spinster." He thought that was a nasty thing to say to a family member, especially a granddaughter. Elizabeth raised her eyebrows,

"Ah, well…" she adjusted her hand on her cheek, she was propped up on her elbow, "…she came to visit the last time I was dating someone and she met my, then, boyfriend. I was with him for about a year at the time and we were pretty serious," she rolled her eyes and stared at the water with an annoyed expression on her face, "or so I thought. But then it turned out he was pretty serious about some other girl and so we broke up. But since he was a prosecutor, Eleanor liked him, she said he was a good man, said he was 'distinguished and mature' because he was ten years older than me," she made air quotes with her free hand, "he had lots of money and he was well known and blah blah…" she sighed and scratched the side of her thigh through her dress.

Alphonse really didn't understand men who cheated, he'd never be inclined to go out and cheat on someone he promised commitment too, not that he'd ever been in a position like that but he assumed he knew himself well enough.

 _'Unlike Edward…'_  he kept the anger off his face when he thought about Winry and whatever might have happened with Roy Mustang. He quickly pushed the thought of Edward out of his mind and refocused on Elizabeth,

"So why does she think you'll be a spinster, he's the one who cheated on you?" He said irritably, "It's not like you drove him away." He offered his opinion.

Elizabeth smiled sadly,

"My grandmother is very old fashioned, she believes it's a woman's place to make every possible effort to keep a man happy. I actually see a few of those traits in my mother sometimes and I've even seen it in myself in some of my relationships…" she shook her head, looking like she thought she was crazy, "…so, dear Eleanor tells me whenever she can that if I can't keep a man happy, or satisfied in bed rather, but she's too much a prude to say as much," Elizabeth grinned, "then obviously, it's my fault and if I go on like that I'll be a spinster someday." She finished and shifted to lie on her back.

Alphonse had managed a smirk at Elizabeth's usual sense of humor but he really thought Eleanor sounded like a cow,

"It's not your fault if someone you're with is unfaithful and it's not your obligation to put up with that kind of thing either." He said seriously, but then smirked, "And even if you are bad in bed, that's still no excuse for your partner to cheat." He teased her.

She gasped and he ducked when she chucked her pool chair cushion at him, she was smiling though, she knew he was kidding and he laughed as the cushion bounced off his shoulder and landed on the deck,

"You're so mean to me." She complained, pouting, but when he glanced at her he noticed she was blushing.

 _'Oh right, we're dating now, teasing her about her sex skills probably isn't the nicest thing a boyfriend can do…'_  he sighed,

"I'm just teasing you…" he smiled at her across the foot space between their chairs.

She nodded and rolled her head to the side to look at him,  
"I know Alphonse." She laughed quietly.

When she moved to get up he glanced at her and sat up,

"Don't get up, Al, I'm just going to get the last bit of the champagne." She swung her legs over the side.

Alphonse got up quicker,

"I'll get it, it's nearer to me anyway." Which was true.

He walked a few steps over to pool chair where they'd left the tray and stuff and he picked up the almost empty bottle of champagne and one of the glasses.

He walked back over and past his chair, she'd pulled her legs back onto the chair and he sat next to her near the bottom. He held the glass out to her and when she took it he uncapped the bottle and raised it to pour some out for her. Once it the glass was full he glanced at the bottle, seeing there was just about a gulp left, he drank it from the bottle as she sipped from her glass.

He placed the bottle down next to her shoes and leaned his elbows on his knees. They sat in silence for a little while until she'd finished the fizzy grape cider and she placed the glass down on the wooden deck next to the chair,

"Are you feeling any better?" she always asked how he was feeling, he sometimes felt like asking her if she was sure she didn't want to be a psychiatrist instead of a surgeon.

He certainly thought it'd be better than her operating on people, just a few days ago she'd been talking animatedly with her hands during their lunch together and nearly poked herself in the eye with a plastic fork. He shuddered to think of her anywhere near a scalpel.

"I am." He admitted, nodding slowly and looking down at his socked feet, he'd also taken his shoes and jacket off, he'd given Elizabeth his jacket to put around her shoulders but she'd moved around a lot since then and now it was crumpled up behind her back,

"Good, every time you come to me and I make you feel better it's a nice ego booster." She informed casually, nudging him in his side with her knee as she folded her arms over her mid-section.

Alphonse smiled at her teasing,

"Thank you Elizabeth, really, you calmed me down a lot." He admitted sincerely and turned his head to look at her.

She frowned,

"Calmed you down? You looked pretty calm to me…stark white and really upset, but calm." She prodded gently, leaving her knee resting against his side. He pushed his hand into his hair and massaged his scalp, blinking lazily,

"Yeah, I wasn't though…." He clenched his jaw as he thought quickly of everything that had been going through his mind a few hours earlier, "…I was pissed off, really angry." He mumbled.

He glanced at her after a bit of silence and she tilted her head, she looked thoughtfully at him,

"Do you want to talk about it?" she offered quietly.

He shook his head,

"There's nothing to talk about, things just keep going wrong and I'm starting to think absolutely everyone in my life is going to be completely against me soon." He said irritably, surprised by how quickly his anger came back to him.

She sat forward and rested her arms on her knees,

"Hey, not everyone, what about me?" she asked quietly, "I'm on your side."

He shook his head and made a soft scoffing sound,

"Yeah…but for how long?" he asked sarcastically and stood up abruptly, feeling his blood start to boil as his anger resurfaced, his morning dose of medication had long since worn off completely and so his emotions didn't take much provoking to start running amuck.

"Alphonse, don't think like that…" Elizabeth said from behind him as he walked away, around the pool chairs and over to the windows. He leaned against the large slab of wall between two windows and he heard the creak of Elizabeth getting off the pool chair, "…I'm not going to turn against you and there's no way your brother would do that either."

 _'Too late, he may have already done that and I didn't even know…because he's been lying to me.'_  He narrowed his eyes as he stared out at the dull view of the nearest building.

She came to stand next to him and he glanced at her, she looked sad,

"Come on, he's your  **brother**  Alphonse, he  **loves**  you. And he-…"

"Fuck." He said a bit loudly and then sighed heavily as he looked at her, "I don't want to talk about Edward okay, that's why I came here, because I don't want to think or talk about him and all the  **shit**  that's going on." He said in a quiet but harsh voice, clenching his fists as he folded his arms over his chest.

Elizabeth sighed and placed her hands on her hips, she was balancing on the sides of her feet, bobbing up and down and looking sympathetic,

"Okay, what do you want to do then, should we go back up and get more champagne and maybe…ooh, ice cream." She smiled, slipping back into her carefree persona for his benefit.

He wished it were that simple, but he was still angry and it wasn't as easy to ignore now that he wasn't high. He sighed heavily as he continued glaring out of the window but he started slightly when he felt arms slip around his waist. Elizabeth had stepped closer and come around to his front and was apparently slipping just as easily into girlfriend mode which he wasn't familiar with at all,

"Do you need a hug?" she tilted her head back slightly, looking at him closely with her arms linked around his waist. He thought she might be mocking him, but when she kissed the front of his neck he realized she was making a move on him, "Maybe a kiss?" she asked quietly and kissed the side of his neck next.

Alphonse sighed quietly as he turned his head so he could press his lips to the side of her head, feeling her silkily cool hair against his lips. When she kissed him under his chin he had a fleeting thought of Edward and he breathed a little heavier because following that thought of Edward kissing his neck was an upsetting image of Ed kissing Mustang that way.

 _'That's right Alphonse, remind yourself why you're here, why you're avoiding Edward…because he's been lying to you and he's been pushing you away…'_  he clenched his jaw and he blinked a few times before he looked down at Elizabeth because she sighed against his chin,

"I'll go get the champagne." She mumbled, looking a bit disappointed.

As she stepped away Alphonse swept his gaze over the length of her body, for the first time allowing himself to fully appreciate the fragile, attractive femininity of her form, like he'd once done with Mei. He'd been in a happier place at that time, with Mei…before realizing his feelings for Edw-…he narrowed his eyes and –forcefully, hurtfully- he shut Edward out of his mind…Edward and Mustang.

He just focused on Elizabeth.

Al's hand moved before she could get more than two steps away and he snatched her wrist, when she turned around he tugged her back just enough to bring her to him quickly without making her stumble. She took a large step and then a quick second, stopping with one foot slightly off the ground because he'd stepped into her so that she was practically standing flush against him.

She slowly put her bare foot down and was about to say something as she smiled but he didn't want to bother with words of romance and while he didn't know how such an attitude would be received by her, he just went with the feeling building itself up inside his chest. With Mei he'd had an entirely different dynamic when it came to their intimacy and he had no other experience to speak of or refer to but his scientific mind told him that it couldn't be too different and Mei had been thorough in showing him the ways and methods plushe had an excellent memory…

So when he kissed Elizabeth before she could get a word out and raised his hand to slip one into her long, soft hair he didn't think she'd mind, because Mei hadn't minded. And he didn't start with soft kisses, he wasn't looking for tenderness…he was looking for something else…something raw…

 _'…don't do this, you're doing it for the wrong reasons.'_  He told himself as Elizabeth parted her lips and he kissed her deeply and a bit roughly. She reacted by wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling herself closer and when she moved herself up onto the tips of her toes Alphonse moved his hands simultaneously down her back to her waist and he turned her with him when he moved them to face the wall.

He continued to kiss her deeply as he pressed her against the wall, thoughts of Mei were in the back of his mind, purely for reference to the difference in anatomy –it had been a while after all- and when Elizabeth slipped a hand into his hair and tilted her head to accommodate his tongue he felt the first trails of arousal move through his abdomen and up his legs.

He was getting turned on and he was interesting because it answered a question he'd been stuck on for a while.

Now that he knew he was still attracted to women, his instincts took over and he started to massage his hands along Elizabeth's slim waist and sides, his caresses were firm and he moved his hands upwards until he reached her flanks. It wasn't very gentlemanly but Alphonse didn't let that stop him when he moved his hands to her chest and rubbed his palms firmly over her breasts, not squeezing, because he remembered Mei had said it hurt.

Elizabeth's fingers tightened in his hair and her other hand slid up his chest to settle on his shoulder.

It was all coming back to him, as if he'd done it only a few days ago, except now he was more confident, more experienced with sex in general and he was actually surprised at himself, he was horny, he could tell by how eager he suddenly was to do something about his slowly forming erection and the heated pleasure that came with it.

Elizabeth was arching into him, pressing her chest into his hands and he felt her hands move to massage his chest, grabbing at his pecks and his abs through his shirt as he sucked on her tongue and adjusted his hands so that his thumbs were rubbing firm circles over her now pert nipples through the thin fabric of her dress.

He broke off the kiss when she made a little sound into his mouth, he wanted to hear it loud and clear if she wanted to him to stop because he knew he was moving faster than a week of dating –not counting the months they'd known each other- should have permitted him to.

He was moving very fast, especially as he kissed and sucked a bit harshly on her neck while moving his hands under her dress and bra straps on her shoulders. He hooked them with his thumbs and pushed them off her shoulders before he brought his lips down and kissed her collar bone first and then the tops of her breasts. Her cleavage was just plump enough that he could nip a nice amount of the soft skin between his teeth and leave a little red mark.

Edward liked to bite…

Elizabeth's hands had stilled and he pulled himself forcefully from the rest of the thought about Edward to focus on her skin beneath his lips. She was gripping his shirt but he only noticed because as he kissed up to her collar bone again and moved his hand upward, she tightened her grip and when he slid his hand under the material of her dress and bra to cup one of her bare breasts, she made a breathy noise.

Alphonse licked his lips and pulled back from her skin –it was barely salty and tasted of some sort of body lotion- and he kept his hand stationary on her breast, he could feel her hard nipple under his palm and it was helping his semi erection along.

He drew back and looked at her, she was flushed and breathing heavily and she blinked a few times slowly as he watched at her. Alphonse slowly removed his hand from her breast and watched her carefully, expecting that he would be able to see any signs of discomfort, after all, he didn't want her to do anything with him just because she felt obligated.

Immediately he thought of the first time he'd had sex with Edward and his stomach lurched painfully, he clenched his jaw and leaned his free hand on the wall beside her head as he placed his other one over his eyes, taking deep quiet breaths as he tried to get Edward out of his head.

"Alphonse…" she whispered.

He removed his hand from his eyes and looked down at her disheveled appearance, not being able to help thinking that usually Edward made him look like that, needy and impatient. He blinked once tightly to again force Edward out of his head, trying not to acknowledge the fact that thinking of his brother was doing a damn good job of getting him fully erect.

When he opened his eyes again he trailed his gaze over her cleavage and the slim line of her shoulders, letting himself focus back on her and not his brother and she helped it along when her hands finally moved again, this time down and her fingers moved quickly over his belt so she could grip and rub over his cock through his jeans.

Alphonse took her actions as a request to continue…he hadn't even had to ask.

Unlike with Edward.

He quickly dove back in and became immersed in the scent of floral perfume on her neck, rich and unmistakably that of a woman and he massaged her breasts a few more times before moving his hands downward and around her waist to firmly grope her backside.

It wasn't muscular and tight…it was slightly firm, round and soft…so different…

…but better?

He didn't dwell on it.

Instead he clenched his hands into the material under his hands and started pulling her dress up, she made another noise against his neck but her hand was still rubbing him firmly through his jeans so he didn't think it was a bad noise or a noise that meant he should stop. He kissed his way up the side of her throat as he worked her tight dress up her thighs and then he kissed her quickly, using his tongue a bit messily as he left his one hand off her dress and brought it around between them.

He skimmed his fingers up her inner thigh and under her dress, his wrist pulling it up at the front until he had his hand firmly cupping her sex through her panties –it was hot and damp- and her legs instantly parted a bit to accommodate him, another sign that she wanted him to continue, so he did.

Alphonse didn't hesitate to rub her through her panties and she broke the kiss to start kissing on his neck, he closed his eyes and let his fingers guide him. He was well enough acquainted with a woman's body after that one time with Mei, and it was so much simpler than it was with a man anyway.

Elizabeth's free hand had wandered under his shirt and the other one was now trying to find its way into his jeans.

He was hot and so was she…she was so desperate with her hands and her mouth…something he hadn't ever had with…

He quickly distracted himself again by working his fingers between her legs, slipping them into the seat of her panty right when he gripped her backside with his other hand. Alphonse kissed her mouth again as he easily pushed two fingers inside of her – she was so wet- and she made a noise that was actually quite sexy as her entrance tightened around his fingers.

Then he felt her tugging at his belt buckle and he started moving his fingers, enjoying her noises and her neediness, he could feel the wetness, the warmth, her excitement, her  _need_  to have him touching her…unlike Edward, she wanted him. She was even trying to part her legs more for him by leaning back against the wall as he fingered her…shamelessly…in what was technically a public place.

Really, Alphonse had no idea what was wrong with him, he knew better than to treat a woman like this, or any person really, Elizabeth was worth more than this…

He thought of that just when she'd gotten his jeans undone and she had just managed to take a hold of his erection beneath his underwear –her palms were small, warm and smooth and it wasn't quite as good as it could have been because her grip was not sure and firm- but it still felt good.

Still…he told himself he could at least make her more comfortable, she was on her toes and her legs were shaking.

He current state was a lot like the state Edward usually put him in, he wasn't nearly as overwhelmed with want and need as he usually was though…no, it was definitely not the same for him, but for her it looked like he was doing it right.

He bit his lip as she stroked him awkwardly because of the angling her of hand in his underwear and he removed his fingers from her body,

"Wait…" he first said it because he had intended to move what they were doing over to the pool chair, "…wait, shit…" then he said it because he realized something important, "…fuck, Elizabeth, I don't…we don't have a condom." He trailed his wet fingers along her inner thigh, it was her moisture on his fingers that reminded him that his own body fluids mixing with hers was a definite no because she'd very likely end up pregnant.

He swallowed thickly and she shook her head as she grabbed his hand on her rear and brought it around to her breast, she kissed his chest through his shirt,

"I'm on oral…contraceptives…" she breathed heavily, "…I won't get pregnant, it's okay." She sounded quite sure.

And he trusted her.

Unlike how Edward didn't trust him.

He nodded then and gestured to the pool chair just before he kissed her again and as they walked, navigating around the edge of the pool, they continued kissing and by the time they reached the chair Elizabeth was pulling Al's shirt over his head.

Their loud breathing seemed to echo in the unlit, empty area of the pool level as did the creak of the pool chair when Elizabeth sat down and then laid back. Alphonse got onto the chair on his knees and there was something pleasing about the way Elizabeth hastily started to pull her simple black panties down her legs.

He helped her, taking them from her knees down over her ankles and as he did so he had a flash in his mind of Edward pulling his underwear up his legs. It aroused him to think of but he again shut it out by focusing on Elizabeth again. He dropped her panty down onto his shirt on the deck and settled on his knees between her legs.

And then it was real. And it wasn't Edward. And he felt  _guilty_.

But he blinked away the cold chill of second thought and absorbed the image of Elizabeth beneath him. Her legs were spread either side of his and as he ran his hands down her thighs and she shimmied down to lay lower on the chair and give him better access to her body…she became fully exposed. The lower part of her dress was now around her waist and he had a clear view of the deeply flush folds of her sex and the moisture wetting her entrance…

He felt smug –and guilty- because she wanted him –and she wasn't Edward- but because he hadn't felt really or truly wanted in so long, he wanted to indulge himself. And she wasn't pretending or being forced, so he let himself enjoy it, he let himself be selfish. Alphonse shifted closer on his knees and leaned over her, she was watching him, her eyes half lidded and many of her long fine black hairs were sticking to the light sweating skin of her neck, shoulders and cheeks. He took a hold of the front of her dress and bra and pulled then down over her breasts, revealing them completely. Alphonse fondled them gently, rubbing his palms over them and playing her nipples between his fingers gently. She moaned quietly at his actions and grabbed his shoulders, pulling him down for a desperate kiss and he had to quickly catch himself with an elbow beside her head for balance.

He kissed her deeply and used his still free hand to continue massaging her and then he reached his hand down and stroked himself a few times, and as he did so…he realized that he wasn't as hard as he knew he could get and with Edward he'd needed quite a lot less stimulation to get there.

He really hated that he had to realize that.

So he distracted himself by pushing his underwear and jeans down only so it was low enough that he could comfortably take his cock out, the occasion didn't call for complete nudity after all, and then he balanced his weight on the elbow beside her head as he shifted from his knees so he could positions himself.

And a second later he was pushing into the slick, warm heat –that he hadn't felt since Mei- and it felt really good and Elizabeth had moaned so he knew it felt good for her too.

Somewhere in all of his selfish, shameful actions, that counted.

And then he started thrusting and he got lost in it, he got lost in the increasing moisture and the heat and the smooth legs wrapped around his waist and the quiet moans from Elizabeth. Her hands shakily skimmed down his back and were weakly clutching at his waist as he thrust faster and harder.

Subconsciously he asked himself what the fuck he was doing, he asked himself exactly when he'd lost his mind and his morals and his ethics and what had changed so much that he was willing to use a wonderful woman like Elizabeth just to sate his own need for…personal revenge.

 _'I'm sorry Elizabeth…'_  he apologized in his mind, but most of his blood and comprehension was elsewhere and his mouth was only good for keeping him breathing right then.

He had closed his eyes but he opened them quickly when the pleasure shooting through his body brought flashes of Edward to his mind, he needed to remind himself that he was with Elizabeth and seeing her beneath him with her red lips parted to breathe, her half closed eyes and flushed face was a quick reminder.

Hastily he kissed her lips and her cheek and then slowed his thrusting for a moment so he could suck on one her nipples and her vaginal walls tightened around his length nicely and distracted him back to his faster, deeper and harder thrusts…the thrusts that would quickly build his pleasure to his orgasm point.

He pressed his forehead to her shoulder and adjusted his weight so he could thrust more fluently and much harder, the harder he went the more she moaned and the tighter it got inside of her. And as he worked to achieve his climax with the help of her body, Alphonse realized that what he was doing right then seemed exactly like what Edward always did to him.

He was quiet and detached from the sex, there was just breathing and skin slapping with an obscene echo and he wasn't interacting with Elizabeth, he was just…getting lost in the feeling around his erection and in his body and waiting for it to be over in one short but glorious burst of pleasure.

He felt ashamed for using her and angry for the fact that Edward had probably just been riding it out the same way with him.

 _'Fuck, Edward…'_  he clenched his jaw as his eyes burned, now was not the time to think about that.

He was with Elizabeth, he was moving on, sleeping with someone else…getting even with Edward for Winry and Mustang…getting even…revenge…it was revenge…he was doing this for the wrong reasons.

He wanted to hurt Edward, he really wanted to see his own pain reflected in the older blonde.

He sped up his thrusts as much as he could and gripped the cushion of the pool chair –it was the chair he'd been sitting on earlier- tightly in his hand while he rested his full upper body weight on his elbow,

"Ah, Alphonse…just a bit…ah…longer…" Elizabeth said breathlessly and started writhing, trying to meet his movements and failing.

A minute more passed of hasty kisses, grunts and little moans and Alphonse warned her as his body muscles spasmed, a first warning for him that he was going to come soon,

"Elizab-eth…I'm…" he started thrusting erratically but when she made a little whine that didn't sound happy he forced himself to slow down.

It took a bit of effort but since he wasn't completely immersed in pleasure he was able to think well enough, he remembered that Mei had insisted he indulge her in foreplay and intermediate sex play as well because she'd needed it to orgasm.

It was frustrating, he usually didn't have to worry about anything like that, but he wasn't so far gone that he wasn't going to let it be good for her as well, especially when he was using her such a shameful way.

So he spent the next minute thrusting a bit slower –so he wouldn't just go over the edge- and he touched her and kissed her and did everything he could to make her shiver and moan.

And it was frustrating but when she finally climaxed it became tight enough inside of her for him to get off with only a few more quick thrusts…but it wasn't nearly as powerful and blinding as it usually was for him…with Edward.

"Ah, fuck…" he breathed deeply, frowning unhappily –unsatisfied- even as his orgasm moved through him and Elizabeth continued to grip him tightly around his waist with her legs as she shuddered and breathed heavily against his neck.

Some heavy breathing filled the silence for a minute or so and then it just became uncomfortable and sticky and his sweat was cooling and making him shiver in the cool air. He separated himself from her and rested back on his knees, not even realizing he was avoiding looking at her still exposed body and meeting her eyes.

He didn't feel right. This entire thing…was unlike him…

Alphonse licked his swollen dry lips as he tucked –with a grimace- his sticky, now flaccid penis into his underwear after pulling his pants and briefs back onto his waist. He glanced at Elizabeth only once he was doing up his zipper and he noticed she was frowning as she pulled her dress down to cover herself on the bottom half first. When she sat up properly she pulled the top half of her dress right to cover her breasts and put her straps onto her shoulders.

He realized then that he should probably do something or say something to her, he'd just had sex with her…in a public area, on a pool chair, in an entirely impersonal setting after only having been officially seeing her for a week.

Alphonse felt disgusted with himself.

And he was swimming in regret now that it was over…

Forcing himself, he quickly he scooted closer since she'd brought her legs over and was sitting the same way he was, off the side of the chair, Alphonse raised an arm and put it around her shoulders, rubbing her bare arm slowly with his hand,

"Are-…" he cleared his throat and ran a hand through his sweat damp hair, "…are you okay?"

Elizabeth didn't look at him, she just blinked a few times while staring at her knees and then she nodded, licking her lips before she looked at him with a forced little smile. He didn't have to have a lot of experience to know that he was doing something wrong, either it was the fact that he hadn't kissed her or even looked at her right away afterward or it was the fact that he'd basically just given her a friendly hug.

He swallowed nervously and tried to think of what to do to make it right, he really didn't want to be another asshole who had hurt her. He knew on some basic level that he probably should feel closer with her, he knew they'd just been intimate and it should have awoken a more personal and intimate feeling within him toward her…like it had with E-…

He clenched his jaw and sighed shakily, he felt so exhausted.

It was the same problem no matter how he looked at it and he had just made a huge mistake by sleeping with her.

Still all he could think about was Edward, still he wondered if Edward had made this sort of mistake with Mustang and still it hurt and made him feel jealous. Especially since it seemed likelier now after he'd made a mistake with Elizabeth and the image in his head of Edward and Mustang having sex made him feel shaky and sick.

It still wasn't right, it still wasn't okay…it still hurt and now it was worse because he was filled with regret and shame for his own disgusting actions.

"Fuck, I'm sorry Elizabeth." He removed his arm from around her to place his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He heard her sniff,

"Are you?" she asked quietly, her voice was soft, "I wish you weren't." she laughed mirthlessly, quietly.

Quickly he tried to make amends with useless words but didn't take his face out of his hands,

"It sh-shouldn't have happened like this, if it was going to happen it should have been better than this, you're worth more than this, I'm sorry." He said a bit angrily, angry at himself and Edward for saying it was  _right_  to be with Elizabeth.

It couldn't be right, not when it just felt so completely wrong.

"Is that really what you're sorry about?" she asked quietly and Alphonse raised his head and frowned at her,  
"Yeah, why, wh-what do you mean?" he asked, confused at how she could have picked up on something she couldn't have had a clue about. Namely, his bitter regret over what had just happened.

She shifted, leaning over and picking up her panty,

"You just said 'if it was going to happen'." She pointed out as she put her feet into her underwear and then she stood up, making an uncomfortable face as she did so and Alphonse thought he knew just why, he'd experienced that feeling after sex as well, "Saying 'if' makes me think you weren't really sure you wanted us to get to this point at all." She sniffed again as she pulled her underwear up under her dress.

Alphonse stared at her legs absently as he considered her words and then he blinked a few times and stood up as well, facing her as she straightened her dress out a bit more and then started on her hair,

"I didn't mean it like that." He lied on top of a lie, "I just meant…this…" he gestured between them and finally found it in himself to be a little less cold with her, even if he had to lie, "…it should have been romantic, it should have happened in a bed, in a warm, intimate place…" he tried very hard to sound confident in his words as he placed his hands on her hips, "…that's all I meant."

She smiled meekly and placed her hands on his forearms lightly before she slid them up his arms and pulled herself closer, putting his arms around her waist and her arms around his neck. She hugged him tightly and he hugged her back, wishing he could undo what had just happened.

For so long he'd thought he was a better man, a better person than this…but that was before he'd known what it was like to live in the real world with a real body and people, pain and love.

He squeezed her tighter and then drew back, pressing a kiss to the side of her head like Ed always did to him, a gesture of placation and  **fuck** , now that he was acknowledging what the actions meant he felt so cheated, so much more hurt.

Edward had been  _playing_  along with him all these months, probably feeling just like Alphonse did right then, nothing more than guilt and the need to try and act as if he were happy with the situation he was in.

It was eye opening, having been with Elizabeth, if nothing else.

There was a moment where he just kept his lips to her hair and she kept her face in his neck and then they both parted. Alphonse picked his shirt up and put it on before he did his pants the rest of the way up and put his shoes on. Elizabeth fetched the tray and put the empty glasses and bottles on it after she'd put her shoes back on as well.

Neither of them said anything because neither of them felt right.

He took a moment to tidy the chairs and then he clapped –and it was so loud in the silence- and as his alchemic energy centered around him, it echoed loudly and he pressed his hands to the cushion that had questionable traces of wet spots on it and he used the moisture in the air and the heat to steam clean the cushion.

When he was done he turned to Elizabeth and she blinked tiredly,

"That's uh…nifty." She tried to be her usual self but the sex and the sudden and obvious distance between them took the humor right out of her smile.

He thought it was quite fitting, as he smiled back sadly and they left the pool mezzanine together, that right before he'd fucked up by using Elizabeth, that he'd just being saying how he was sure soon enough, everyone in his life would be against him.

And now here he was, proving himself right.

* * *

 

  
_Look at me now,_ _I'm a fake..._

* * *

Alphonse walked into the apartment he shared with his brother just after 10 PM…filled with miserable shame and regret. He felt so lost…like he no longer knew who he was…and he was scared that he'd feel that way forever.

It was a horrible feeling, to not know yourself, to not recognize the person you'd become.

He was scared…of himself.

He sighed heavily.

After taking Elizabeth back up to the penthouse and kissing her goodnight on her cheek –he felt like a right bastard when she tried to hide her hurt expression- he'd quickly left, swearing at himself all the way down to the lobby in the elevator and then he'd called a cab to get home. He was doing a half decent job now of ignoring the dull headache he had and the uncomfortable stickiness of dried sweat and sex on his body.

He wanted to shower, he wanted to be clean and warm…he wanted to pretend like it never happened, no matter how childish it'd be, he just wanted to close his eyes and wish it away.

Because he was a selfish coward…

He closed the door when he realized he was just standing in the open doorway, then he locked it and stepped out his shoes. He did all of it quite a noisily and deliberately since the apartment was in darkness,

 _'He doesn't even wait up worrying anymore, how about th-…'_  he was cut off by the sound of Edward's bedroom door opening down the hall just as he dumped his shoes in the closet.

As he closed the door Edward came around the corner, dressed in sleeping pants and a T shirt with his hair was tied in a loose ponytail but he looked wide awake so Al didn't think he'd been asleep,

"Fuck Al, where the hell were you all day, you said you were just going to lunch…" Edward put his hands on his hips and shook his head, looking pitifully worried, so much so that Alphonse just stared, wondering how such a genuine look could be faked, "…you could have let me know if you were going to be out  **all**  day you know, so I wouldn't have worried." He smiled slightly, it was forced.

Alphonse averted his gaze when Edward continued to stare straight at him,

"Yeah, next time, I'll try to remember." He mumbled and then shrugged before he walked around Edward.

The older blonde frowned and turned with him, walking into the hall with him,

"You okay, did you have a good day?"

 _'Here we go again with the benign brotherly routine.'_  Al thought miserably, being so exhausted from a day of hellish emotion and one hell of a mistake –the regret was killing him- just an hour ago with Elizabeth he decided he could leave his accusations and confrontations for the next day, he just wanted to shower and sleep,

"Yeah, I guess." He responded dully.

Edward walked just behind him all the way to the bathroom and then he spoke quietly when Al stopped at the door,

"You look…really tired." Edward sounded worried.

Alphonse turned around to face him, the expression of love and unhappiness was as clear as ever on Ed's face, he'd become so used to it he recognized it with little effort these days,

"I am tired, I was at Elizabeth's house and I'm fine," he sighed, trying to go along with the 'brotherly' song and dance, "I just want to take a shower and go to bed." He said flatly and when Edward glanced over him quickly, he saw a brief look of realization flash over Edward's face…a look Al didn't understand at first but then Ed nodded and averted his gaze, he was now frowning and looking…hurt.

Why was he hurt? Did he have any right to be hurt? Alphonse had a hard time feeling sympathy for him after the day he'd had, after the truths he'd learned.

Edward nodded and backed up a step before walking around him without giving Al another look,

"Okay…good night." He said quietly, tensely and a second later Alphonse blinked to the sound of his older brother's bedroom door slamming shut.

He didn't understand what part of the act or of reality that strange reaction had been.

He felt like he didn't understand anything anymore.

Alphonse gave one last – confused – glance down the hall to Edward's closed bedroom, there was no light under his door so Alphonse assumed he was gone to bed for the night.

He sighed quietly and went into the bathroom, longing to take a hot shower and wash the mixture of perfume and sweat scents off his body. It didn't help the misery he felt at being able to smell Elizabeth on himself, it made him feel uncomfortable and miss the way Edward's scent smelled on his skin.

His scent was so much better…

* * *

The following morning's weather was just as overcast and dull as the previous day and Alphonse awoke to small aches in muscle groups he hadn't used in a long time, the usual pain in his stomach and a dark feeling in his heart and mind.

Something just wasn't right.

In the cold light of morning, sitting in his bed hunched forward with his face in his hands, the mistake of the previous night spent on a pool chair with Elizabeth doing something that had literally meant little more to him than spite for Edward, his regret and shame for his behavior was personified, it was clear and ugly.

And it wasn't even really spite, not unless he told Edward about it…

"I'm so fucked up…" he told himself tiredly as he rubbed a hand through his clean hair.

The long shower he'd taken the night before had made him feel better on the surface but the real problem was on the inside and it couldn't be washed away with soap and water. He wondered how Elizabeth must be feeling, he'd had plenty of time while struggling to fall asleep through the night to think about how awfully he'd behaved and treated her. He wondered if she'd managed to sleep…

Never in a million years had he imagined that he would take advantage of someone's feelings like he had, he'd pretty much –completely- used Elizabeth. He'd been angry, emotional and full of confused feelings and emotions over Edward and himself and he'd turned all of that inner turmoil onto Elizabeth.

And then to make it worse he'd been so cold when it was over, he hadn't wanted to touch her but he knew he should have kissed her afterwards, held her, said something sweet and boyfriend like…but he didn't feel like her boyfriend and even though he was technically, he didn't want to be. He was doing it all for the wrong reasons, everything…

He knew he needed to stop and take a good long look at just how selfish and despicable he'd been acting lately, he knew he needed to stop focusing on all the  **bad**  and all of the things he wanted but couldn't have and he knew he needed to make the effort to be happy, for both him and Edward.

The old Alphonse knew those things.

But the person he was now, an adult and no longer a child, couldn't just let go of the things he'd learned and been hurt by so deeply, he needed closure. He'd been tossing and turning throughout the night because of his pain and his stress, he couldn't help remembering all of the betrayals he'd found out about, all the lies and secrets he'd learned Edward was deliberately keeping from him.

He just wanted the truth now, he needed Edward to tell him  _why._

He inhaled deeply and grabbed two handfuls of his hair before he tossed the sheet off his legs, he wasn't wearing anything besides his boxer-briefs and he didn't even care that it was cold in his room and that his skin was prickling from the chill. He swung his legs off the side of the bed and pulled his drawer open so quickly that all the contents rolled around and rattled noisily.

He felt exhausted and sore inside and out even though he'd taken an anxiety pill before bed, it obviously hadn't been quite enough for hours of sleeplessness and depressing thoughts of how shitty his long awaited flesh and body life was turning out to be.

And yes, he knew it was his fault for the most part but just  _knowing_  that Edward had been keeping something so serious from him for as long as he had made Al feel justified in thinking his older brother should shoulder the blame. Lies and deception begets lies and deception after all. It had to have started somewhere.

And he liked the idea that Edward had started it all because he was angry and he didn't want to be the only one who was wrong and hurting people who cared about him.

He grabbed up his pill bottle and opened it, closing his eyes tightly after dropping the last two tablets into his mouth. He'd need to go back to the doctor for a refill soon, especially if things were going to go on like the way they were now. The tablets went down his throat sorely since his mouth felt dry, he also felt dehydrated and he knew it all tied into his lack of proper sleep and eating. He blinked his sandy eyes unevenly as he turned his gaze to his bedroom door, he was more awake now and he could hear noise…unusual noise…coming from beyond the door.

He frowned and stood up slowly, rubbing his one eye a bit before he walked toward the door. When he pulled it open, CookieBoots -who had been sitting outside his door- slowly got up and Alphonse watched as he leisurely stretched and then trotted his furry way into the bedroom.

Al blinked lazily and refocused his attention on the noise coming from the hall, it sounded like…trumpet jazz music. He swallowed dryly and licked his lips as he ventured out into the slightly cold hallway and walked toward the lounge where the music was coming from.

He belatedly remembered he was almost naked just as he reached the end of the hallway and so instead of just walking into the lounge –in case someone was visiting- he stopped at the side of the arch and peered around first.

The lounge was empty except for Edward…and the unusual music.

So he stepped into the archway, keeping his gaze on Edward's back, the older blonde was standing at the book shelf and leaning against it with one hand while his other hand was on his hip. He was fully dressed and his hair looked neatly done, like he'd been up for a while and possibly even out.

The music faded out and talking started up and Alphonse –slow as his brain was processing- finally realized the noise was coming from a radio, because the talking was that of a commercial. But as far as he knew they didn't own a radio, which prompted him to ask,

"When did we get a radio?" he was surprised by how scratchy his voice sounded.

Edward turned around quickly to look at him and his eyes went from relaxed and bored to slightly wide with raised eyebrows,

"Uh, I went out and got it this morning…Al, it's pretty cold outside, you should put some clothes on, you haven't been well as it is." He said with an awkward smile as he turned around fully and folded his arms over his chest.

Alphonse noticed the older blonde didn't seem to want to look straight at him but he didn't know what to make of it anymore, he actually never had known where Edward was concerned. Mixed signals and contradicting actions and words seemed to be something that came naturally to Edward. Just like when they used to have sex, Ed's actions would all be saying 'yes' but in his eyes, in his emotions reflected in his face, there'd be a 'no' or a hint of guilt. Al grimaced slightly and looked from Edward to the radio propped up on the middle level shelf,

"Yeah, I will…what time is it?" he asked, because Edward said 'this morning' as if it wasn't even morning anymore.

The older blonde scratched the back of his neck absently,

"Probably just after 12, you slept pretty late…you feeling okay?"

 _'Oh great, more brotherly concern.'_  Alphonse openly rolled his eyes,

"I'm going to put some clothes on." He stated stiffly for Edward's benefit since he'd requested Al put clothes on and he went back down the hall to his room.

He was surprised it was so late, he realized then that he must have passed out and fallen asleep at some point when his exhaustion became too much, but he could have sworn he hadn't slept since he felt so tired.

He sighed, feeling impatient for the meds to start working so that he could stop tensing up whenever pain lanced through his midsection. In his bedroom he glanced at CookieBoots now curled up in the spot Al had left warm from being in bed a little while ago and then went over to his wardrobe and yanked one of the doors open so he could find comfortable loose fitting pants to put on.

Digging through his wardrobe made him think of the mess he'd left in Edward's wardrobe safe the day before, he frowned as the thought dredged up more bitter feelings and then he took a deep, long breath in an attempt to calm his stress. He felt it was safe to assume that Edward hadn't looked in his safe since because Al was sure he would have been confronted about the invasion of privacy by now if Ed had.

He found clean dark gray sweat pants and pulled it on over his briefs and then he lazily dug around for a shirt and pulled on the first T shirt he found. It was short sleeve and a bright yellow –from when he'd been going through his bright colors on new body faze- but he was too irritated to continue digging for anything else, so he just pulled it on. He didn't even let it settle properly on his torso before he pushed his wardrobe door shut and headed back out of the room. He hated feeling so depressed, it was unpleasant and he felt so disoriented, listless and detached. It was worse than being unable to feel anything, because he could only feel the bad all the time.

Alphonse wandered into the kitchen, intending to make himself some tea, but he found Edward was already doing it for him. He felt a rise of irritation rush through him and he brushed his hair back from his face,

"You don't always have to make me tea Edward, I can do it myself." He said with a huff of exasperation as he walked around the table to the counter Ed was standing at while stirring the liquid.

The older blonde looked at him when he reached the counter and Edward seemed like he didn't know what to say as he pushed the freshly made cup of tea toward Al over the counter,

"Um…sorry, Al." he frowned and then patted his hand on the counter once before raising his eyebrows and walking away. Alphonse hated the fact that he felt bad for being rude,

"Thanks…for the tea." He mumbled as he curled his fingers into the handle of cup and leaned against the counter.

Edward had walked over to the fridge and Alphonse glanced at him to see him pulling a beer bottle out from the fridge and he couldn't help feel annoyed, Ed drinking beer was completely new for one thing, for another,

"Edward, it's pretty early in the day and its Sunday, don't you have work tomorrow…why are you drinking?" he asked in a quick breath, leaving his tea cup on the counter as he turned to look at the older blonde.

Edward stopped with the fridge door half way closed, the beer bottle held aloft between his fingers and he was frowning confusedly,

"I'm not  _drinking_  Alphonse, this is one beer and it's all I'm going to have." He said quietly, sighing a bit as he pushed the fridge door closed. It sounded like an excuse,

"You told me you don't like beer." Al said irritably, wondering if that had been just another lie.

It wouldn't be so hard to believe, months ago Edward had said he'd only liked to have some wine with his dinner when he'd been in Creta, but he sure had been drinking a lot in the time they'd been living together in Central.

Before Al could start blaming himself for Edward's increased drinking, the older blonde spoke up,

"I bought it for Roy," he glanced at the bottle in his hand and shrugged, "he said he's coming by later today to talk about work and he's bringing food so I bought the beer he drinks." Ed explained casually.

He looked kind of upset.

Alphonse  **knew**  he was lying about the 'work' bit but for how calm Ed had spoken it didn't sound even a little like a lie. But it was without a doubt, Alphonse heard that conversation…on one side, and it hadn't sounded like  _Roy_  had wanted to talk about work.

His anger bubbled up quickly, the tablets still hadn't kicked in, probably because he hadn't eaten anything since the previous afternoon, and he wasn't able to bottle up his aggravation,

" **Roy** and beer and visits." He said the name with a grimace, "When exactly did you get so comfortable with Roy Mustang?" he narrowed his eyes and shook his head as he stare at his brother.

Edward tilted his head and frowned,

"When exactly did it start to bother you so much?" he asked back with a sigh.

Al had to bite his tongue on that last question, if he started into why it bothered him, it would set off a lot of other bad, worse, hurtful things being said and it would only make things worse.

He wanted to confront Edward…but before he did, he felt like he needed to have the upper hand, he needed to be ready. Right now, he was once again looking and sounding like a jealous lover, his emotions were in control which was no good. Being emotional during a confrontation would only make the process sloppy and it would not be effective.

He had to take a step back, he had to try a different angle, so he put that issue aside until he had an idea of how to broach it and decided to try Edward's usual method of evasion,

"Sorry…" apologies were a good diffusion for tension most of the time and then it occurred to him as he saw the tension leave Edward's shoulders, that he could probably try to fish for information using Ed's methods, "…I shouldn't have said anything, you can see whoever you like, it isn't my bu-…"

"See, as in seeing someone, like dating?" Edward cut him off, looking slightly uncomfortable, "What are you talking about? I'm not  _seeing_  Mustang." His tone suggested that he thought Al was crazy.

Edward chose to leave the kitchen at that point and Alphonse was tempted to bring up that he'd heard Edward on the phone the day before but again, it would only be ill timed. He had to wait for the right moment and remember to keep his focus on the real problem, the real betrayal, which were the lies about Edward's alchemy.

So he forced himself not to respond as he started to follow Edward but then he back stepped and picked up his tea before continuing after his older brother. He walked into the lounge and watched Edward taking a sip of the beer as he fiddled with the tuning of the radio, switching it over to a station playing more melodious music.

Alphonse didn't like seeing Edward looking so tired and drinking alcohol in the early afternoon, it was not the image he'd ever had in his mind of his beloved older brother. He'd never seen anything turning out this way for them and it concerned him because he was able to identify the self-destructive path both of them might end up on if things went on that way. He sighed quietly and he sipped his tea, it tasted great, it always did when Ed made it for him. He'd always liked to think it was made with love…and he still liked the thought.

What he didn't like was how all over the place his emotions and moods were, happy and sad, compassionate and cold, guilty and spiteful…it was exhausting. He absently slipped a hand under his shirt to lightly rub his fingers over the place where his dark bruise had been, it was now just a faded yellowish blue color and the skin wasn't even tender to touch anymore,

"So why the radio?"  _'Is that for Roy's entertainment too?'_  he asked sarcastically in his mind.

Edward glanced at him and then sipped the beer again as he moved to sit down in his usual spot on the couch, he propped his socked feet up on the table and leaned sideways on the armrest,

"I figured a little noise would be good…" he pursed his lips and stared at the bottleneck of the beer as he rested the base on the armrest, "…it just gets really quiet in the apartment and I don't like it." He mumbled and then sipped the beer again, keeping his eyes focused anywhere but on Al.

Alphonse stared at him for a moment, standing near the archway and holding his hot tea mug, he knew exactly what Edward meant, he'd felt like ripping his hair out many a time when the silence would get on his nerves. So he nodded and walked over to sit on the armrest of the single couch,

"…yeah, me too." He agreed quietly.

There wasn't anything else said for a while, they just sat and sipped their respective beverages while the radio drifted between songs and the occasional talking. There was a lot that could have been said but the radio was providing noise where there should have been uncomfortable silence, so neither said anything.

Besides, anytime they talked they just ended up arguing and even when they didn't talk, there was still tension. But the longer it dragged on, the more people got involved and got hurt –he frowned as he thought of Elizabeth- and the more distant he and Edward became…then the more unhappy they would be.

So why was it so hard to find a balance? It was like they were missing something.

If being just brother's again was supposed to make Edward happy, then why did he not look it?

Al tipped his tea mug up and realized he'd finished his tea when only a trickle dribbled into his mouth. He held the mug by the base as he lowered it and sighed into it, letting his eyes trail along a shallow crack in the side which was spreading its way onto the point where the handle joined the mug.

He frowned slightly, thinking of the last time he'd brought up alchemy with his brother when the glass had broken. He thought about Edward's reaction and his suspicions about the older blonde being unable to transmute for some reason, a reason that Al could not think of or come up with and so he had dismissed it as a possibility.

And now that he knew Edward was still actively involving himself in alchemy and had just been lying, he felt bitter and stupid for having ever had such a concern. Yet still…he hadn't seen Edward use alchemy even once since his restoration.

So either it was an excellently concealed secret practice, or something else was going on…

He was starting to feel impatient to confront Edward, the more he thought about it, the more frustrated he became. But previous dead end conversations and arguments told him that he wouldn't get a straight answer if he asked nicely or nastily, Ed would probably just feed him a lie or an evasion as usual. His gaze drifted from the mug to Ed, who was sitting and fiddling with the almost empty beer bottle while staring at his lap,

 _'Asking will get me nowhere, I need a different way…maybe I should force him to use his alchemy somehow? Leave him no choice. And I want him to feel really_ _ **bad**_ _when he finally reveals that he's been lying to me for so long.'_  Al looked back into his mug and absently ran his tongue along the sharp edges of his teeth.

There was also the issue of the military and Mustang lies, but they weren't as important as the alchemy lie, they were not of the same significance as the science he and Edward had shared all their lives. They were lesser issues, just recent interferences –like what had happened with between himself and Elizabeth.

Al sighed at the thought of her, but as much as he felt bad and knew he'd been a hell of an insensitive bastard to Elizabeth's feelings the night before, she still was not priority.

He'd deal with her eventually, whenever he saw her next, the most important thing –now and always- was Edward, and their relationship.

It was clearly damaged and becoming ruined by deception, mistrust and lies.

Before they could move forward, before Al could work at putting his heart back into their brotherhood, he needed to know that everything about their recent years of life hadn't been a complete farce, he needed to know why Edward had chosen to push him away and shut him out of his alchemy.

He needed to put Edward into a position where there would be no room to lie or run away.

Alphonse stood up and stepped forward before leaning over and placing his mug down on the coffee table, his movement got Edward's attention and the older blonde looked at him so he asked,

"Do you feel like going out?" he asked in a light voice.

Edward raised his eyebrows slightly and shook his head,

"Not really, but why, did you want us to do something?" despite saying so he sounded very agreeable.

Typical, he didn't want to but he would if Al wanted him to. It was really confusing to the younger blonde.

"Yeah, I thought we could go to an open area, like the park maybe and experiment with some alchemy…" the minute he said it he saw Edward tense up and he wondered if he'd been too straight forward, "…like old times, you remember we used to try out new theories and circles and it used to be so much fun?" He offered a smile hoping to get Ed to relax and he gave the older blonde the best hopeful expression he could manage.

Edward could usually be persuaded with the right look from the younger blonde.

It worked because even though Edward looked uncertain, he didn't openly say 'no' about the alchemy,

"Uh…we can go to the park…maybe we could spar…if you're up for that?" but he didn't say 'yes' either.

Again Alphonse wanted to snap and just start spewing accusations and questions at Edward, but that would defeat the objective which at that point was to put Edward in a position where he had to use alchemy.

And alchemy was always best used outdoors, so he had to get them out of the apartment first.

Al just shrugged and nodded,

"Sparring sounds fine." He said agreeably, smiling slightly. He felt anxious about confronting the older blonde but the meds thankfully kept the worst of it at bay.

Edward nodded after a single –seemingly surprised- blink and then he took his feet off the table and stood up,

"Okay…uh…you gonna change or go out like that…" he gestured at Alphonse and the younger blonde glanced at his creased baggy clothing,

"I'll change." He said quickly and turned to leave the lounge,

"…we'll be back in about an hour or so, probably…" he heard Ed mumble, most likely thinking about their impending visitor but Al wasn't interested in whether Mustang was left waiting.

He didn't give a shit about Mustang at all actually.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later Al had washed up and dressed in jeans and a long sleeve T shirt like Edward was wearing, except it was a white shirt and blue jeans as opposed to Ed's full black. They were walking out of the apartment presently and neither mentioned that they weren't dressed for sparring or that the weather wasn't really good for it either and the general atmosphere between them was tense.

Alphonse couldn't help thinking of how quickly they could go between a good atmosphere and bad atmosphere, just a day ago they'd gone to see a movie together and had had a relatively nice time, they'd gotten along for the first time in a while and they'd both been feeling better afterward…yet now they were back to awkward silence, unspoken grievances and discomfort.

The walk to the park was chilly, windy and dull, the streets weren't busy since it was a Sunday and the weather was bad and when they reached the park some time later it was empty, Al literally only saw one old person sitting on a bench and reading near the entrance to the park. That suited him just fine, he didn't have any definitive plan in mind for what he was going to do to get Edward to use alchemy but he would come up with something and the fewer people around the better.

They walked farther into the park to the spot they usually sparred at, a spacious clearing in the well-kept trees and bushes with a water fountain and a bench, it was only just visible from the main park path. After they walked into the clearing they both stood with their hands in their pockets and glanced around as the wind rustled the trees and their hair. Alphonse sighed after an awkward minute and looked at Edward and the older blonde met his eyes and smiled uncertainly,

"You didn't really want to spar…I know that, so how about I just uh…" he walked toward the stone fountain, "…sit here and you can try out whatever you had in mind. I'm sure you have some awesome new techniques to show off since we last practiced alchemy together." Edward sat down on the side of the fountain and clasped his hands together as he leaned his elbows on his knees, looking very ready to just be a spectator.

Alphonse stared at him and latched on to his last words, seeing an opportunity to touch on the issue,

"Why don't we practice alchemy together anymore?" he asked evenly and took a few steps closer.

Edward frowned and averted his gaze to the grass,

"You know I don't use alchemy anymore." He mumbled tensely and Al had expected that answer,

"But  _why_?" he asked specifically.

He was asking, even though he knew it would be fruitless because with Ed it was never that simple.

Edward clenched his jaw, looking upset and Alphonse found it really annoying that Ed had the nerve to get upset when he was the one being lied to by the older blonde for the last  _six_  years.

 _'Six fucking years!'_  it sunk in harshly when the thought occurred to him but his meds had long since started to work and he wasn't able to get unreasonably fired up…just yet, but if Ed kept pushing, kept being unreasonable and kept lying…

"I don't want to, okay." Ed said in a curt tone, hiding his uneasiness behind anger, "It's my choice, can't you just deal with it?" he asked rudely.

Alphonse narrowed his eyes, having known this was going to happen he wasn't fazed by Ed's clipped tone,

"Tell me the  **truth**." He said back just as stiffly.

Edward frowned and upturned his palms in a gesture of question before placing his hands on his knees,

"That is the truth." He said slowly and loudly.

Edward was continuing to lie and he was so good at it, it was like he'd become so used to evading that it came effortlessly…and it hurt to be lied to.

Especially after what they'd been through together and how close they were  _supposed_  to be.

Alphonse shook his head and swallowed slowly, his ire was building but he remained calm on the outside as he said quietly but warningly,

"Stop lying to me, just tell me  _why_." He didn't specify what he wanted to know because he expected Edward would catch on to the fact that his lies weren't going to work anymore.

But Edward was as stubborn as they came.

Still, Alphonse was the one person who could match that trait and he was about to show that to the older blonde.

When Edward huffed irritably and moved to stand up, Al knew he had to act, it was now or nothing, so he improvised based on his options. He didn't want Ed to walk away again, so he had to stop him from doing so…

Al clapped his hands together quickly and crouched down as efficiently as he always used to as a suit of armor to press his hands into the cold, damp grass. Instantly blue energy arced up from the ground, shooting off along the ground in Edward's direction and since it was Al and not an enemy, he was pleased to note his older brother's guard had been completely down around him.

Edward hadn't had the thought to move, or duck or react when Al initially transmuted, he only reacted once it was too late,

"Alphonse, what the fuck are you doing?!" Ed shouted in a confused voice and tried to pull himself away from the stone of the fountain as it noisily and fluently reconstructed around him, but the older blonde wasn't going anywhere.

Alphonse had trapped him in a grasp of a transmuted hand of the gray stone fountain sides. He'd picked Edward up with it and raised him into the air so he was dangling a few feet off the ground. He also made the stone hand's grip just a bit tight so it'd be uncomfortable as well impossible to wriggle out of.

The use of the stone material caused some of fountain water to gush out onto the grass but Alphonse hadn't been concerned about finesse of his actions, he'd had to act quickly to stop Edward from leaving.

Now that he'd successfully trapped Edward he felt more confident of his intentions and he was ready to put his plan into action, he would give Ed a reason to use alchemy.

He stood up straight and dusted his cold palms together absently as he glanced over his older brother's trapped form, assessing his hasty work. Al was relieved to see he'd maneuvered the stone hand's grip correctly so that Ed's arms had been pressed forward when the hand had encased his body from his midsection to his shoulders. It was most likely really uncomfortable to have his shoulder squashed forward as they were but it was necessary so that Ed's hands were close enough together that he could clap to transmute…and to free himself.

Alphonse felt a bit smug at how nicely his impromptu plan had worked out.

Edward kicked his legs and grunted as he squirmed uselessly in the grasp of the stone hand, his fists were clenched tightly and his eyes were narrowed, his expression was one of confused disbelief,

"What are you doing? Put me  **down**  Alphonse." It surprised the younger blonde at how  _furious_  Ed sounded, he'd gone from calmly lying to angry and threatening within seconds.

With Alphonse he was usually more reserved in his anger but this reaction had been instantaneous.

Alphonse ignored the nervous uncertainty making its way down his spine…something didn't feel right.

But he'd been feeling that way for a while already and didn't let it get to him, Edward was trapped, there was no way the older blonde was getting out of explaining this time.

He shook his head as he looked up at Edward,

"No I-…"

"Put me the fuck down now, Alphonse!" that was the 'big brother' voice mixed with anger and it was a bit hurtful to hear. Al frowned, Edward looked very, very pissed off.

But he was  _trapped_  and Alphonse was in control, now was the right time to confront the older blonde and even if it meant Edward would punch him in his face later when he finally gave in and freed himself, Al was sticking to his guns,

"No." he stated more firmly than before and he watched Edward narrow his eyes, "You get yourself down, use your alchemy or give me a  **damn good**  reason why you don't want to and then I'll free you." He said confidently, "Your hands are close enough together…come on, you're pissed off at me right?" he was willing to taunt Edward, "You need to get down if you want to hit me or something." he watched as the blatant anger on Ed's face lessened at his last words.

It was pathetically touching to witness, even in a moment like that and in the situation he was unwillingly trapped in, Ed looked offended and hurt by the allegation that he'd want to hit Alphonse. It tugged at Al's heart strings and his guilt but he did not relent,

"So go ahead, get yourself down with your  **alchemy**." He insisted loudly and glared up at Edward.

Edward made a sound of pure frustration, his teeth were tightly clenched together as he raised his legs up a bit and then dropped them again,

"Fuck, Alphonse…I…" he hung his head while shaking it slowly, his voice was stressed.

Alphonse assumed he'd been about to get closer to the truth, Edward sounded close to giving in, so he decided to keep pushing. If Ed wouldn't  _say_ why then Al would make him angry enough that Ed would get himself down just to get away,

"Do you need more incentive to tell me the truth?" Al taunted spitefully, deciding to fully confront the lies once and for all, "How about we try sharing since we don't talk any more, you said so yourself so we should be more honest about what's going on in our  **normal**  lives." He said sweetly sarcastic and he watched Edward huff and puff and tense and grimace down at him.

Al continued to be cruel and calm on the outside even as he squirmed with uncertainty on the inside. The medication at least made it easier to concentrate since it dulled his emotional anxiety and the pain that accompanied it. So he was able to focus on his words and his intentions and he knew he needed to get Edward spitting mad if the older blonde was going to break his lying streak or use his alchemy,

"What the fuck, Alph-…"

"I'll start then." he cleared his throat, cutting Ed off, "I know you want to keep lying about your alchemy, so let's talk about something else you've been lying about," he said as he crossed his arms over his chest, "…are you sleeping with Roy Mustang?" he couldn't keep the distaste out of his voice.

There was a pause and Alphonse calmly waited as Edward stared down at him, breathing heavily,

" **No**." Edward said loudly and stiffly, he sounded very sure about it too.

And he also managed to look really fucking intimidating even though he was restrained, Alphonse swallowed thickly, feeling nervous under the weight of Edward's severe regard. He chalked the nervousness up to him being aware of how nasty he was acting and feeling bad about it.

The ability to be mean didn't come easily to him, but he could be downright scary if he was pushed too far. He remembered once shoving Edward into a large puddle of muddy water when they'd been little kids, walking home from school, and just because Ed wouldn't stop repeating back everything Alphonse had been saying all day to annoy him.

He'd always been the polite Elric brother; but it didn't mean he couldn't be pushed to a breaking point. Being aggressive and ill-tempered was an Elric trait –or perhaps it was a gene from Hohenheim-, one that had always been far less prominent in Alphonse, unlike in Edward, where it was second nature.

But now Al had been pushed too far and he was letting his anger drive him,

"You don't have to try and spare my feelings…" he smiled bitterly, "…I might be  **really**  grossed out because he's so old and yes, I'm jealous…" he admitted, "…but you said we should move on and that means I couldn't hold it against you if you were, so you can tell me, just be  **honest**." His smile faded and even though he said he wasn't going to hold it against Ed, he knew he would because he felt cheated on.

Edward gave him that look again, the one that suggested he was crazy,

"What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm  **not**  sleeping with Mustang, Alphonse for fucks sakes, I'm not sleeping with anyone! How many times do I have to say it?!" he asked with a sharp snap of his teeth.

"Until you tell me the fucking truth!" Al insisted, wanting to believe him but unable to.

"It  **is** the fucking truth!" Edward yelled back at him and a few birds perched in the trees around them were startled and flapped their wings. Alphonse decided to play his trump card,

"I heard you on the phone with Mustang yesterday, Edward." Al said quickly, "I was at the phone booths and I  _heard_  you talk about what a mistake something was and you said that it shouldn't have happened and then you insisted you weren't  _blushing_  but I think you might have been because you sounded flustered! So what else could it be? If you're not involved with him like  **that**  then what were you two talking about?" he raised his arms up and then dropped them to his sides.

Edward was wide eyed and looking worried and even more confused now, he'd stopped squirming,

"Y-you heard my….my conversation…with Mustang yesterday, you…" he shook his head and sighed sharply before swallowing and letting out another frustrated sound, "…it wasn't…it's not, dammit, Al…" he looked like he didn't know what to say and Alphonse felt triumphant, he knew he had Edward now, caught out in his lies.

"It wasn't what Edward? Yes I heard your conversation, I heard you flirting and it made me nauseous but no matter what you should still be able to talk to me, you should be able to be honest with me." he managed to say it mock kindly, "After all, we're brothers and it's normal for us to share things about our lives, for instance..." he hated himself before he even said it, "…last night I slept with Elizabeth," Edward clenched his eyes shut and breathed heavily out through his nose, "and as my brother I feel I should be able to talk to you about it, like we always used to, we used to confide in one another." He was breathing heavily and voice wavered with emotion, but he didn't have to raise it to be heard, they'd actually been talking in a partial hush all along.

They could hear each other clearly in the quiet and aside from the occasional yell, they were both aware that they were outside in a public place and so they were watching what they said and how loudly they said it.

Alphonse was staring at Edward with a lump in throat, his insides were twisting up like pretzels and he felt like he was going to throw up…because Edward looked devastated and a little pale.

Instead of the news making the older blonde angry all it did was make him wilt, he looked defeated and Alphonse frowned when Edward nodded and spoke quietly and wheezily,

"I kn-know already, okay? I figured that out for my-self when I l-looked at you last night…" Edward's voice was quiet and strained, "…but I'm not lying to you, I'm  _not_  sleeping with Mustang." He said with a deep, pained frown on his face.

Alphonse heard him, but he was itching to undo the transmutation and start blubbering tears and apologies just from the expression on Ed's face alone. He could barely stand to see Ed looking at him like that…and Edward hadn't made any move to get himself down.

Thinking of that reminded Al of what was important, which of the lies had hurt most and he dropped the nasty act easily because it simply wasn't like him in the first place.

The issue of Edward's lies about his alchemy had not yet been resolved, so he sighed shakily and went back to that,

"Fine…" Alphonse said in a meek, hurt voice, his body was alight with painful emotions and he forced himself to maintain eye contact with Edward, "…but why have you been lying about your alchemy?"

Edward's mouth opened slightly and then closed, his eyes had started to look a little shiny too but he didn't look like he was about to say anything in the end so Al continued to ask uselessly,

"Why have you been telling me you don't want to use it, why have you been shutting me out when you're doing amazing work, publishable work and you're sharing it with  _Mustang_? Edward…how can you do that to me?" he asked with desperation in his tone, "How could you lie about something so important?"

Edward looked wide eyed and very worried again, Alphonse didn't understand it but he went on,

"How could you have lied to me about it  **all**  these years, why don't you want me to share alchemy with you anymore? Our entire lives alchemy has been so important to us both but yet…" his voice broke and while he still felt like he'd throw up and had the urge to cry, no tears came, "…yet you've been keeping it from me for so long. Do you…" he inhaled shortly and painfully as his chest ached, "…have  _any_  idea how much it h-hurt to find out you've been lying to me for so long, lying to me to my  **face**  over and over again?" his legs felt a bit wobbly as his vulnerable emotions previously masked with anger started to take over.

And it only got worse when Edward's shock and confusion faded to a guarded frown, it was as if whatever Alphonse just said had somehow changed the entire atmosphere,

"Alphonse," Edward sighed, "let me down…let's go home and we'll talk, I'll tell yo-…"

"No you  **won't**." Alphonse said firmly with clenched his fists and burning eyes, this is what he'd originally expected.

Edward was trying to talk his way out of it and Al was certain that if he didn't stay strong right then it would forever remain a topic Edward hedged around or lied about,

"No," he said again surely, sadness replaced his abrupt outburst and as his hands and legs shook he looked away from Edward, "you won't tell me if I let you down. You'll just keep lying to me, I don't know w-why, but you will." He turned and started to walk away, rubbing at his face and hair as he did so.

"Alphonse, hey! What the fu- Alphonse where the fuck are you going?" Edward's tone was a higher, almost panicked. Alphonse turned around and walked backwards over the grass toward the path as he watched Edward kick and squirm with renewed vigor,

"I'm going home…" he said a bit louder since he was putting distance between them, "…when you're finally ready to stop  **lying**  to me," his voice was laced with every hurt emotion he felt when he said that, "you'll get yourself down and come home and then we'll  _talk_." He turned around quickly…because Edward was looking pale.

"Alphonse…Al wait…you  **can't** …Al, Alphonse!" he was shouting, sounding stressed and worried.

But Alphonse kept walking because he was tired of being lied to and also…he knew if he stayed and kept looking at the emotional distress on Ed's face he'd eventually give in and all of this would have been for nothing.

At some point –he hoped- all the pain and emotional suffering would finally cease and they could move forward once again.

* * *

 

_...and this sickness isn't me, I pray to fall from grace..._

* * *

Alphonse took a slow walk back to the apartment, only when it started to drizzle and then started to rain properly, did he speed up. He managed to miss getting wet too badly and when he reached the apartment all he did was sit down on the sofa…and wait.

And he did wait, the time crept from ten minutes, to fifteen, to a half hour, then 45 minutes and the clock in the kitchen continued to tick and tock. But he would wait in the silence, staring blankly across the small lounge in pain and in misery, for Edward to slam the door open and come over to him to rattle some sense into him, or hit him, or yell at him, or cry and scream or break something… _anything_ …and then they'd be able to talk properly because the lie would have been revealed and Edward would finally have to tell him why he'd lied in the first place.

Finally.

 _'And then I'll forgive him…and then I'll_ _ **beg**_ _for his forgiveness…'_  he thought as he hugged his middle and blinked a few tears from his eyes. He was in so much pain, but he had no tablets left an-

There was a firm knock on the door.

Alphonse knew who it was, he recognized that knock and the misery that welled up from knowing made him clutch himself tighter and turn his gaze toward the window. When the knock sounded again – persistent and confident - Al swallowed thickly and said audibly,

"Come in."

He figured it was best to let Mustang see that Edward wasn't there for himself, in fact, it seemed like a good idea for him to see how miserable and cold the apartment was so that maybe he'd never come back there. He heard the door open and close and it was followed by a few footsteps which stopped –he assumed- in the archway of the lounge,

"Alphonse?" Mustang said in his baritone lazy voice and walked further into the room.

Alphonse turned to look up at him from where he sat just as Mustang placed two takeout packages down on the coffee table. When Mustang looked at him the older man's expression went from calm to concerned in an instant,

"Alphonse, are you okay?" he frowned and took a step closer.

Alphonse made sure to give Mustang a look that warned 'don't come near me' and he was pleased when the man hesitated and then made no further move to come closer. Naturally the next question out of Roy's mouth was,

"Where's Edward? Is he okay? What the hell happened, did you guys fight again?" he frowned worriedly, it was such an annoying expression coming from someone Al was trying to hate.

But subconsciously he couldn't because he knew Mustang hadn't done a single fucking thing wrong.

He scoffed quietly and started to anxiously shake his leg,

"What do you know about us fighting?" he mumbled and then turned his statement sarcastic, "Oh that's right, you know about Edward lying to me about his alchemy. So you can probably guess what the fucking problem is." Al gave Roy a scathing look.

The older man looked shocked, though whether it was from Al's bad language he was unused to or from the information Al had just divulged, the blonde didn't know. Mustang sighed heavily and ran a hand through his slightly rain damp hair, it was coming down harder now and Al heard thunder rumble some distance away.

Shitty weather for a shitty day.

"So he finally told you?" Mustang asked levelly, diplomatically.

Alphonse looked at him like he was an idiot,

"Told me? He didn't tell me  _anything_ , I found out on my own that he's been lying and hiding his alchemy from me, lying to  **me**  like he doesn't want me involved, like I'm not imp-…"

"Wait, what…?" Mustang frowned and his slanted eyes lowered as he processed Al's words with a few quick blinks, "…did you say, he's  _been hiding his alchemy_  from you?" he asked.

Alphonse blinked very slowly in annoyance and nodded once,

"Yes, I overheard your telephone conversation with him yesterday and I found all of his alchemy work," he licked his lips and forced his leg to stop moving, "…and  **you** …" he looked at Roy with a grimace, "…of all people he trusted  **you**  over me. He's been sharing his new research and his alchemy work with  **you**." Al shook his head and ran his hands into his hair, gripping handfuls of it in frustration and choosing not to look at Mustang's annoying face anymore.

If Mustang was fazed by Al's unpleasant tone in regards to him the older man didn't show it,

"Alphonse, I think there's been a misunderstanding ab-…"

Al looked up at him suddenly and stood up so fast Mustang stepped back a bit,

"Don't **you** dare lie to me as well, don't try to tell me that I heard wrong or something like that! And don't talk to me like that!" he glared threateningly at Roy, "Edward tried the same damn thing, using that fucking placating tone of voice to try to calm me down and get me to be agreeable, do you think I'm a fucking child?" he looked at Mustang with as much contempt as he could muster and then turned away sharply as he took in a deep breath. He honestly just wanted Mustang to leave him alone, "Edward's not here, so go…" he said rudely and walked away, leaving the lounge with quick strides.

"Where is Edward?" Mustang sounded slightly tenser now.

Alphonse sniffed and said coldly as he turned into the hall,

"Exactly where I left him, where he deserves to be until he comes clean about his alchemy and frees himself." He said irritably. He expected that Mustang would let himself out.

What he didn't expect was the older man's footsteps following him in loud sharp cuffs on the tile or the –strong- hand that seized his upper arm and roughly turned him around. Alphonse had every intention of giving Mustang a kick to his stomach that would send him into the wall at the end of the hall…but he stopped thinking so maliciously the second he saw the blatant, unbidden concern on Roy's face,

"You  **left**  him somewhere?" he asked in a voice laced with disbelief and worry, "You said he'd need to  **free**  himself, what do you mean, did you restrain him?" Mustang was squeezing his arm a bit sorely and Alphonse frowned in annoyance.

He grabbed Roy's hand and gripped his clutching fingers before roughly pulling them off his arm,

"Yes, I transmuted a hand and restrained him and I told him that when he was ready to be honest he should free hi-…"

Mustang's concern flashed to irritation for a second,

"…you restrained him with alch-…in the  **rain** , _Alphonse_ …" Mustang looked stressed all of a sudden, "… **damn**  the two of you for being so fucking stubborn!" he said loudly and once again Al felt himself grabbed tightly by his upper arm and with very obvious confusion on his face he was being dragged back down the hall toward the main door.

"Mustang! Let me go, what the hell are you doing?" he snapped irritably as he was pulled to the door, he was embarrassed by his own weakness, Mustang had dragged him far too easily,

"Where did you leave him?" Roy asked as he yanked the door open, "Put your shoes on." He insisted quickly after, jabbing a finger at a pair of Ed's boots left out of the closet before he cuffed a hand through his black hair and huffed.

Alphonse shook his head and stepped back,

"I'm not telling you, this isn't your business so st-…"

Mustang gave him a stern look Al remembered him using on Ed once or twice years ago to silence his older brother, and hell, did it work,

"Your brother is stuck out in a fucking rain storm," there was a loud clap of lightning that seemed to upset Roy further, "tell me where he is right now, we have to get to-…"

"He's not stuck! He's probably freed himself and-…"

" **He can't free himself**!" Roy announced in a loud tone of voice, but Al recognized the guilt lacing his voice.

Instantly he knew that Roy had just revealed something to him…Roy had just revealed Edward's secret to him.

_'He can't?'_

He blinked dumbly as Mustang stared him down, he looked very grave,

"Edward can't use alchemy anymore, he can't free himself Alphonse, we  **have** to help him." Mustang said quietly and his eyes darted to the boots again, insisting without words.

Alphonse felt overwhelmed and confused as he absorbed what had just been revealed, something he'd thought impossible to even suspect. He also felt completely halted and pained with guilt over what he'd done to Edward.

 _'…he can't free himself.'_  The rain continued to pour as thunder rumbled across the sky.

Within seconds he'd pulled Ed's boots on –since his own shoes were in the closet- and next he was –shaken and pale faced- hastily running out of the apartment and down the hall, stairs and across the lobby ahead of Mustang.

Alphonse had never felt so utterly sick and awful in his entire life.

* * *

Mustang had come to their building in his car so getting to the park in the scarce traffic was quicker than even running would have been. The road ahead was distorted by the harsh downpour by the time they reached the park entrance and pulled up along the curb side. Alphonse was out of the car before Roy had even switched the vehicle off and feeling the chilled rain pelting his skin and soaking his clothes through instantly only made him run faster.

He ran desperately along the brick tiled path, the boots he wore slapped against the ground and it was barely audible over the sound of the rain. He didn't know if Mustang was behind him and he didn't care, he only cared that he needed to get to Edward.

He couldn't believe what he'd done, he couldn't believe that his childish actions would have led him to do this. It had been more than an hour since he'd left the park earlier and he'd assumed that Edward had long since freed himself and was off somewhere blowing off steam, maybe drinking in a bar or taking a walk or doing  _anything_  besides being trapped in the cold rain.

He kept asking himself  _why_  Edward hadn't just said so, why he hadn't just answered the damn question! But then he knew that he might not have believed Edward even if he had because of all the lies and the  **confusion** and because of his own stubbornness.

He was crying by the time he reached the place he'd left Edward and true as Roy's word, Ed had not freed himself.

There he remained in the grasp of the stone hand, his body looked limp and his head was down, he was just dangling.

He stumbled and skidded on the slippery grass as he ran up to the fountain,

"E-Ed-Edward…Brother…I'm sorry, I didn't kn-ow…" he said loudly in a shaken voice over the rain as he fell to his knees, clapped his hands and pressed them into the muddy grass. The stone appendages encircling Ed's shoulders and torso receded just as Ed lifted his head and then he fell the three feet from the ground he'd been suspended at.

Before Al could even get up again to go to Edward, Roy skidded past him. The older man had pulled his coat off and he got down on his knees beside a shivering cold, miserable looking Edward and placed the coat around Ed's shoulders and said something Al couldn't hear through the rain. The older blonde's bangs were stuck to his face and his clothes to his lean form from the water soaking it and he looked very pale as he shivered, even his teeth were chattering. Alphonse felt numb, his legs were like jelly and he remained kneeling a few feet away, watching as Edward looked at Roy with a frown before his gaze quickly moved to Al and his eyebrows drew together and upward.

It was obvious Edward had been crying, his eyes were red and a little puffy and he looked so deeply miserable.

Alphonse was crying too and he finally got up and moved a few feet forward until he was kneeling at Ed's other side,

"I'm sorry," he grabbed Edward's shoulder and arm tightly, "I didn't know you couldn't get free, I really didn't, I thought you were lying to me-…"

"We have to get out of the rain, he's ice cold…fucking automail saps his body heat…" Mustang cut him off, looking angry and worried.

Alphonse nodded quickly, not arguing since he knew it was true, Edward's lips were starting to look more blue than white as it was. He got up on his shaky legs when Mustang did and they helped Edward to his feet before they started walking with him and Ed was obviously favoring his right leg. Noticing the severe limp, Al clutched Edward tighter, knowing that his brother's automail leg was most likely hurting badly and it made him feel nauseous with guilt.

Al wasn't interested in his own chattering teeth from the cold rain, he was just worried about Ed.

But the older blonde didn't let them help him for long, after only a few steps he nudged both of them off with his elbows and still shivering badly, he pulled the coat tighter around his shoulders, kept his head down and walked ahead, limping badly. Alphonse felt wretched, he felt worse than he ever had…

Even if he hadn't known that Ed couldn't use alchemy when he'd done it, the only reason he'd been able to trap Edward in the first place was because he was the one person Edward would never have suspected do something like that to him and he'd been completely unguarded for that reason.

Alphonse had taken advantage of that, an unfair advantage and now it was even worse.

Yes, he knew Edward should have told him…but there were so many things that should have been done differently.

 _'This is all my fault…all my fault…from the beginning…'_  he could barely see through his tears and rain as he watched Edward walk ahead with Mustang following close at his side.

All Alphonse could do was follow because right then he knew he was the last person Ed would want anywhere near him.

* * *

 

  
_The last thing I see is feeling_  
 _And I'm telling you I'm a fake.._.

* * *

He was sitting in Mustang's lounge.

The older man lived closer to the park in a different direction and had insisted they get Edward somewhere warm and dry as fast as possible. Not a word had been said in the car, Edward had sat in the front passenger seat shivering quietly, sniffing, wincing, clenching his teeth and wiping his wet sticking hair from his face every now and then.

Alphonse had just sat in the back staring at Edward with endless regret and apology on his face, but Edward hadn't even looked back at him. Mustang did glance at him via the rear view mirror a few times, but Alphonse wasn't even grateful that the older man had looked sympathetic rather than disgusted, he felt like he deserved to be loathed right then.

When they'd reached the apartment after watching –guility- as Ed limped and stifled groans of discomfort all the way up the stairs, Mustang had instructed Edward to take a hot shower or bath. Alphonse didn't allow his jealousy to rear its ugly head as he'd watched Ed nod without argument and then navigate his way further into the apartment with easy familiarity.

He'd simply shivered quietly with his head down and dripped water onto the tiles as he stood in the lounge for a good ten minutes, unmoving, just thinking and regretting.

And wishing he could take it all back…all of it.

He'd only looked up again when Roy came back into the lounge –clothes and hair completely dry- with the same sympathetic look from the car on his face, he'd held out a cup of hot coffee for Al to take. Mustang hadn't known that Alphonse didn't drink coffee but it didn't matter, Al had thanked him in a hoarse quiet voice as he took it and then listened distantly to Roy when he said Alphonse should dry his clothes off before he got sick.

Twenty minutes later he was sitting on the couch, hunched forward and staring at the floor, he'd dried his clothes and hair off with his alchemy a few minutes after Roy had suggested it to him but he didn't feel any better, just dry and uncomfortable in his own skin. The coffee was untouched and he was sitting alone.

Roy had been sitting in the lounge with him earlier, they'd sat in silence while Mustang drank his coffee and Al stared miserably and kept his head down. They'd both been listening to the shower water running and when it had finally turned off a more stark silence settled in and Alphonse had nearly jumped when Roy asked out of the blue if he needed anything else.

He'd shaken his head and watched as Mustang took his full cold coffee mug with his own and left the lounge, then came the sound of dishes settling in a sink…but Mustang hadn't come back.

That had been at least ten minutes ago.

Alphonse's limbs felt numb and he had a headache, but he still hurt in all the worst ways inside and his eyes still let a few tears slip occasionally. But he didn't care about his aches, he just wanted to go to Edward, he'd been sitting there alone long enough, he wanted to say sorry…he needed to…

He stood up slowly, preparing himself to start begging for forgiveness…for everything.

He hadn't wanted anything like this to happen, they were just supposed to have argued and Edward was supposed to be angry at him but then they would have made up, Ed was supposed to have freed himself because Al had been so sure he'd been lying.

And he had…except the lie had been something completely different, something Al had suspected but hadn't been able to find a reason for why it could be true.

He frowned as he quietly made his way into the hallway leading down to the other rooms,

 _'Why can't he use his alchemy, I didn't think it was possible because it made no sense…why wouldn't he be able to?'_  it still baffled him but it changed nothing of what he'd done.

He'd betrayed Ed's trust by trapping him and leaving him unguarded and helpless like that. Had they been living in more dangerous times doing something like that might have ended in death. He started shaking and leaned against the wall a bit as he thought of what could have happened if anyone, absolutely anyone dangerous…ex-militants, ex-criminals, wayward alchemists, past enemies –they'd had the worst and most inhuman enemies- or even a random mugger or crazed murdering sort had happened upon Edward left like that in an empty park completely restrained.

The Fullmetal Alchemist had been the bane of a lot of bad people's existences once upon a time.

Edward could have been hurt or killed, not even able to physically defend himself…and it would have been his fault.

He placed a hand over his mouth to stop himself from making a sound of distress, it was a reaction to all of his shame and guilt, every worry was personified, every bad selfish action hurt twice as much…he didn't know if he'd ever feel okay again.

He heard the sound of muffled voices as he neared a door furthest down the hall, quietly he walked to it and the door wasn't closed all the way so he was able to see inside. His eyes fell on Roy and his older brother, standing about a foot apart and facing each other as they talked.

Edward was dressed in his previously wet clothing, now dried off, as was the older blonde's long hair. He knew Mustang was probably to thank, but the idea of him drying Ed's hair seemed very personal and Al didn't want to think about it. Edward was currently pulling his hair back and starting to braid the long pale blonde length of it.

His head was down as he did so and his bangs were hiding his face but his posture clearly showed how exhausted he was, as well as the slow movement of his fingers through his hair and the untidy braiding also showed it. Alphonse just stared at him, trying not to make a noise because he didn't want to upset Ed or interrupt the calm atmosphere with his presence.

There was a time when he'd have been the person Edward came to for calm reassurance…but now Edward was standing in Mustang's bedroom and Roy was the one speaking calmly and saying words that weren't obvious comfort but were meant to help ease the tension.

"…-had no idea, he looked completely mortified when I told him and he realized what he'd done." Mustang said quietly, watching Edward with an affectionate gaze that still hurt Alphonse, but no longer angered him.

"…" Edward said nothing as he reached the end of his braid and Alphonse watched as Mustang held up a single red elastic band and Ed took it before tying off his haphazard braid.

Mustang went on,

"At least the worst part is over, he knows now, all you have to do is explain it to him…" Alphonse watched as Edward started to shake his head and Roy tilted his head as if trying to catch Ed's gaze, "…you  **have**  to. He was angry Ed, he really believed you'd been trying to keep him out of your life, he really thought you were still doing alchemy all this time, all these years and hiding it from him. I've  _never_ seen Alphonse look so much like he wanted to kill someone, he looked like he wanted to strangle me just for knowing about it." Roy said, looking honestly concerned over it and he kept his tone low and hushed.

If Al hadn't been eavesdropping he'd have never heard it.

Edward mumbled something he couldn't catch and then Roy sighed, he watched as the older man placed a hand on Edward's shoulder and shook him once gently,

"He doesn't hate you, this entire thing was a huge misunderstanding because the two of you are both useless at communicating. You're like an old couple that needs counseling." Al flinched at those last words and he watched as Edward abruptly turned away and shrugged Mustang's hand off.

He stepped back a bit in case he was seen but Ed hadn't turned his way and the older blonde ran a hand through his hair,

"I don't know how to tell him, if he doesn't hate me, he's just gonna hate himself." Edward said in a miserable voice. Alphonse frowned, not understanding what that meant and then he looked at Roy, who spoke and kept his eyes on Ed even though the older blonde wasn't looking at him,

"He won't if you explain why you kept it from him, you just need to be honest and clear about your reasons, after all, you did it for him." Mustang said quietly and crossed his arms over his chest.

Edward was shaking his head and he turned back to Mustang, flapping his arms once at his sides,

"Not entirely, I also kept it to myself because I felt…I felt like less of who I used to be. It was a big loss, it changed a lot about me, about the way I act and think and I feel  _weaker_." Edward looked directly at Roy but Al could only see the side of his face and couldn't make out his full expression, "When he used his alchemy on me in the park and walked away, I started sh-shaking…all I could think about was how helpless I was,  **me** , the full-fucking-metal alchemist who always ran head first into danger and got out of sticky situations  _all_  the time, I felt _vulnerable_." The word sounded like it tasted bad in Ed's mouth.

And Alphonse couldn't stop a few new tears from slipping over his cheeks at the admission, if he'd ever known Edward felt that way, if he'd known what Edward was going through, he'd have done everything so differently…from the beginning. But he still didn't know when the beginning had been, he still had no idea how Edward had lost his alchemy…he didn't know how that was possible.

Did it have something to do with giving up his knowledge from the Gate? Did losing that information somehow impair his abilities? Al didn't think that was the case, he'd seen Edward's genius on the arrays in the safe, they were amazing.

Al watched as Mustang shook his head,

"I do actually know how you feel…" he said softer than before and when Ed frowned at him and crossed his arms over his chest Roy continued, "…I was only blind for a short while, but it was during one of the most dangerous and bizarre fights I've ever been in, in all my life and had it not been for Hawkeye, I would have probably been killed." He admitted, "I felt vulnerable then, I felt useless…I know how you feel."

Alphonse felt something inside of him die a little as Roy quietly, personally, found a common ground, a way to closely relate to Edward in way he never would be able to…because he had never known fear and vulnerability in a physical sense, only emotional.

He really had no idea what Edward was going through, but Roy did and he had taken a step closer and Edward was looking thoughtful about his words, he was looking empathetic,

"At least you got your eyesight back, I can never get my alchemy back." Edward mumbled and dropped his gaze to Roy's neck, he looked deep in distant thought, as if he were remembering something.

Mustang nodded,

"I know you miss it, I know you felt like it made you complete…but it wasn't the most important thing in your life and I know you know that..." Roy said cryptically and Alphonse's heartbeat sped up for a second.

He didn't want to be conceited, but as far as he'd known  **he**  had always been the most important thing in Ed's life…so…was that what Mustang was talking about?

"You've just been going through a hard time and when things are bad it's easy to forget why you were ever happy in the first place but-…"

"Would you shut up and stop sounding so wise and old." Edward said with a small smile on his face and Roy smiled right back and it killed Alphonse because even though Ed had denied it, he could see  _something_  between them.

"It's all I can do, you're not exactly receptive to physical comfort, like a hug…"

"Don't you dare hug me."

"I would never, I value my life too much."

Alphonse's insides squirmed uncomfortably at the flirtatious, comfortable tones of their voices and he frowned deeply as he watched them, not angry, just very sad.

When had they become like that?

Edward sighed,

"But I appreciate your old man advice," he said thanks in a way that was typical for Ed, mixed in with an insult, "I know you're right and I've never regretted my decision, things are just really bad right now and I've been feeling like I'm losing Alphonse…" He admitted quietly, sounding hesitant to say anymore.

"Which is why your lack of alchemy is affecting you so much more." Roy concluded.

Again Al's heart beat unevenly a few times, again those words…sounded a lot like they were saying-

"You're still an alchemist anyway." Roy added in his lazy voice and he tapped his temple, "Up here, where it counts." Edward didn't say anything and his hair obscured his face from view but Al did see Roy raise his eyebrows,

"And about the other night…" everything went silent for Al right then as he realized what Mustang was about to talk about.

His recently renewed conscience warned him to walk away but he stayed where he was and held his breath,

"I told you I don't want to talk about it-…" Edward said very quickly.

Mustang sighed heavily,

"So then, you really want to go on like it never happened?" he asked quite sincerely.

Edward nodded his head a bit stiffly and Alphonse wished he was able to see his older brother's face.

Roy nodded and sighed, he looked disappointed,

"Fine, if that's what you want, then I won't bring it up again."

"You said that the last time when you first brought it up." Edward grumbled.

Mustang looked unapologetic,

"Yes, I know I did…but I apologized…and I apologized for kissing you."

Alphonse's legs felt numb and his stomach bottomed out when he heard that, instantly his mind provided many hurtful images in his head of his brother and Mustang kissing. And it was so much worst to imagine now that he knew it had happened.

He wondered if Edward had felt anything like the hurt and loss he felt right then after he'd admitted to sleeping with Elizabeth. Shit, he just kept feeling guiltier at every turn. How could one person fuck up so much?

"I told you not to say sorry…" Edward sighed, "…look, it was weird but like, not in a bad way…because…I, I think under different circumstances, I might have…probably would have…maybe…"

"Okay, I get it, you didn't hate it but it's  **me**  and that makes you uncomfortable." Mustang said with a sigh.

Ed paused and then shrugged,

"Not even that, I just don't want be in any kind of relationship right now and probably not for a long time, I just don't feel right about it, I don't want to."

Alphonse felt oddly touched by that statement and then he felt rotten because he'd gone right ahead and slept with someone else when Edward was now revealed to be feeling after effects of their break up. He didn't think this day, or his internal pain could get any more emotionally painful.

He felt so weak with misery.

"Like you told Kimberly." Mustang said and Al wondered who the hell Kimberly was.

"Yeah, same thing." Ed said and then heaved a huge sigh and continued quietly, "Anyway, I need to go to the lounge and start by apologizing and telling Al how much I love him and how happy I am to have him, so that when I tell him that I sacrificed my alchemy in exchange for his body he won't feel like I just dumped a huge burden on him."

Oh.

Alphonse took a few hollow breaths as those words seeped slowly and sharply into his mind and body, like slowly sinking into iced cold water, it felt so incredibility hollowing that he forgot how to breathe in the next second.

Now he knew.

Now he knew…what Edward had  **truly**  given up for him.

And now that he knew, he wasn't so much affected by the knowledge that his brother would give up his treasured alchemic ability for him, no, he knew – and had always known and was a weak person for ever doubting it- how much Edward loved him. Edward had been willing to give his life for Alphonse, so having given up his alchemy seemed like nothing in comparison.

What really tore Al apart was realizing just what he'd done to Edward by completely  **soiling**  a perfect, flawless and treasured love and bond created by Edward's pure love just for him, only for him. He now understood the cryptic truth from conversation…

…that he was the most important thing in Edward's life.

Alphonse tried to breathe but only managed to swallow a sob.

For months he'd been chipping away at that connection, trying to get Edward to stop seeing him as a brother…

He hadn't even realized that trying to take their brotherhood away from Edward was the same as saying his sacrifice had been for nothing, that his happiness was misplaced, that his dedication and devotion were not good enough…Alphonse had been  _destroying_  Edward's will by trying to sever their brotherhood.

Slowly he started breathing again, he blinked a few times and he could no longer hear what Edward and Roy were saying, his heart was thumping too loudly in his chest and in his ears but he was able to see that they were still talking, they hadn't noticed him.

As quietly as he could while moving on newly shaking legs, Alphonse walked back down the hall, feeling completely hollow and completely vile and completely alone. He didn't go back to sit down and wait for Edward to come and face him with words of love and no regrets.

How he'd ever been so lost and foolish to doubt that Edward loved him eternally and completely, he didn't know. He didn't know how he'd gotten to a point where he couldn't even understand himself.

Alphonse should never have doubted, never, ever…that Ed didn't regret anything he'd gone through to have their lives and each other back together, in flesh and blood…as brothers.

He felt wretched.

He walked to the main door of the apartment in a miserable daze and absently wiped moisture off his cold cheeks before he took a deep breath and glanced back at the hall way.

For too long, Alphonse had forgotten his own purpose, his own true happiness, he'd forgotten his own devotion, his own love and sacrifice and worship for his older brother. For too long, he'd forgotten what really mattered…

But now he remembered and now…after so long…he actually felt like he was strong enough to do the  **right thing**.

* * *

 

_And I'm telling you I'm..._


	14. Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks - to Vienna Wood for editing this chapter, your assistance is appreciated.
> 
> NB: This chapter is very long, I decided it was only fair to write a chapter like this for Edward since I'd done one for Alphonse and most readers often say they enjoy Edward's POV. So here is an exceptionally long chapter, apologies for the delay in bringing this to you. I've decided to do the layout for this chapter the same as the previous one.
> 
> \- Elizabeth is NOT pregnant. I'm sorry if this was a suspenseful part of the story for you, but it was unintentional. I had no intention of making her pregnant and I still have no intention to, I had to clear this up because so many reviewers were concerned about it. There will be no baby making in this story (and if there were to be, it'd be canon characters only)
> 
> \- I have chosen to use Russian as the language of the Drachmans because I think it fits best according to their appearance.
> 
> \- *Academic College : Any educational facility (Primary or High School) that has been approved to offer a Bachelor degree to it's students.
> 
> \- *Avon River is an actual river in England, I borrowed the name.
> 
> \- If you google 'Central City Fullmetal Alchemist' for fun, you'll be able to see the river and the outskirts or Central as I've referred to it in the story.
> 
> \- All technological inventions mentioned in my story have been researched, I've made sure they were in existence between the years 1930 and 1960.
> 
> \- And finally, I had some spare time and I decided to draw up a layout for Ed and Al's apartment. It's nothing fancy, it looks vaguely like a blueprint layout would. Since Ed and Al spend so much time in the apartment I figured if anyone wanted to see how I pictured their place to look, they could view the image. It's on my profile is anyone is interested, a direct image link.
> 
> \- I you've read ALL these author notes, thanks for your time :)
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Blink 182

 

 

_I can't get my feet up off the edge..._

* * *

Edward was surprised.

He'd had a stressful week since their last big argument –and physical fight- of Alphonse giving him withering looks and not so subtle brush offs anytime he came around or spent just a little too much time in Al's company. Breakfasts were full of uncomfortable silences where sometimes Al would spend the entire 15 minutes sighing or fidgeting until he was finished eating and then he'd just leave, or other times Ed would feel his younger brother's eyes glancing at him from time to time and whenever he'd chance a glance at Alphonse, the other blonde would look sad and forlorn, never actually meeting Ed's eyes.

Even so they still went about their shared domestic duties as they always had but Alphonse no longer looked like he enjoyed having the life he'd wanted for so long. The peaceful, cozy and quiet life, no…these days he'd just looked miserable and detached. And while Edward would have loved to blame it all on the medication he'd snuck into Al's room and found a few days earlier –even though he'd suspected Al was on something, he'd still been shocked and sad to discover it-, he knew it wasn't entirely that. Alphonse was distant from him for personal reasons, not just medicated reasons.

So it had been really shitty, receiving those exasperated or annoyed glances whenever he'd try to smile and brighten the mood, it hurt him and it hadn't taken him long to catch on and just back off altogether.

He'd been grateful when halfway through the week he'd been brought a message by the receptionist left for him by Mustang, not at first, but after he read the contents of the message.

He'd been paranoid about what it was going to say, he really hoped Mustang wasn't stupid enough to mention anything about what happened between them in a relayed telephone message, but he was the one being stupid, because even he knew Mustang wasn't that moronically inclined. So once he'd gotten past his paranoia and read the message, he'd been grateful because it was a work assignment of sorts and would serve the perfect purpose of distraction.

The message had said that Roy had talked to a friend of his who worked for an alchemy journal and he'd conveniently mentioned that Edward Elric was still creating excellent alchemical theories and arrays. Ed had been mildly annoyed but that was just because he'd never been interested in the attention that came with published work, it usually led to more magazine phone calls and he used to hate that when he'd still been in the military. But that had been because he didn't have time for it back then, now it was different so the offer to have his new array –even if he'd have to change it a bit- published so that people would know that Edward Elric wasn't totally alchemically useless –not that anyone knew anything of it in the first place- made him feel good about the project.

It awoke the pride he had invested in his alchemic work and he found himself saying yes, he decided he would take Roy and the journo up on their offer and have his new groundbreaking array published.

He'd actually felt excited about it, which was a feeling he'd lost familiarity with after so long of not having anything to look forward to.

So, following that message he'd been able to bury himself in the project of creating a publishable –safer- version of his lightning conducting array and he pushed everything else to the back of his mind for several hours a day, which made it easier to get by living with a miserable brother. There was less sadness to see, less time to feel regret and guilt and misery and wonder over what was going through Al's mind or on in his life.

Despite having argued over their lack of communication a week ago, nothing had changed since, Al still wouldn't talk except for the occasional mumble if Edward asked him a question.

So Ed had resigned himself to just letting things play out because he didn't think it would be possible or healthy to force his presence and his brotherly affections on Alphonse when he clearly wasn't interested in them.

Edward could only hope that it wouldn't stay that way forever, whether or not they continued to be an active part of each other's lives.

He needed Alphonse to –at the very least- forgive him.

Even though he was no longer sure what he'd done wrong…he was just waiting for the right time to ask for forgiveness. But finding the right time meant waiting for Alphonse to, hopefully, come around, which meant giving Alphonse all the time he might need without interference. And Edward had been starting to think it wouldn't happen any time soon…

…that's why he was surprised. Because just when he'd been preparing himself for the long haul, for waiting and watching as Alphonse drifted farther and farther away, out of nowhere Alphonse had extended an olive branch.

He'd asked Edward if he wanted to go to movies together, cancelling a date with Elizabeth to do so.

It had been so unexpected that for a second he'd felt obligated to decline and he actually had, just because he'd suspected Alphonse was only taking pity on him since he'd said he was going out for a drink.

He hadn't wanted to be a burden to his younger brother.

But when Al insisted and hadn't looked pitying at all, being able to say yes had been the easiest and very relieving thing for Edward to do.

So they'd gone to see a movie and while the movie itself was by far one of the most boring experiences of Edward's life, being able to go with Alphonse and watch him smile, listen to his occasional remarks –before Ed had fallen asleep- had been the best experience he'd had in a long few weeks.

And at the end of the night, after eating a quiet and informal dinner consisting of hamburgers and soda and then going to watch a movie together, Edward had been almost stupidly elated when Alphonse had hugged him.

It had been one armed and it had been brief, but it was a hug nonetheless, the hug a brother gave another and just that, something so small and so simple, had given him new hope.

However long it lasted, it was better than nothing and he'd slept better than he had in weeks when they'd returned home afterwards.

That had been the night before.

Edward had woken up that Saturday morning feeling lighter in his step and heart and presently he was still in his creased sleeping clothes. It was almost noon and he was smiling to himself slightly as he sat in the lounge alone, giving his automail a proper cleaning. He had his metal foot propped up on the table as he tilted his head to the side, watching the screwdriver held in his grip as he rotated it and slowly undid the final screw in the plate covering his shin.

Once he'd finished, he placed the screw in a neat pile with the other few and then he removed the plate, inside of his shin were a few wires and tubes, all compacted together professionally and he noted each wire and tube looked smooth and undamaged in a protective outer waterproof layer. He gingerly pushed aside the main connecter cable that ran along the center of his automail, it was a thick, resilient tubing that was the stable connecting point into his port. It stabilized his body's electric nerve pulses so that they were distributed evenly into the limb, right down to each metal toe.

He looked over the other wires and nerve conductors as well and he was pleased to see that none of them looked melted or blackened which meant they hadn't been damaged since his last tune up. It made sense, he hadn't had any reason to think they might have been damaged, but he liked to be sure. He'd broken the joint motors and burnt out his nerve connecters so many times in the past it sort of made him feel good to know he took good care of his automail these days.

Especially now that he wasn't sure he was still welcome by Winry, his automail was Rockbell guaranteed and if for any reason it did break or start giving him unmanageable problems, his guarantee would only be valid if he went to a Rockbell mechanic…and there were only two…and one of them was currently not speaking to him.

With a sigh he brought his foot off the table and looked at the shin plating more carefully, he made a face when he noticed that there was some residue from the last time he'd oiled it mixed with some grime,

"Ah well, it used to be worse." He mumbled and placed the metal part down on the newspaper he'd laid over the table and then dragged the table nearer.

He remembered a time when he used to have to clean grime from sand, dust, heat and cold condensation and sometimes even blood out of his automail. Some oil and sand lining the edges of the plate really wasn't a big deal in comparison to what it used to be like. He assumed the buildup had come from the training he and Alphonse had been doing in the past weeks along with his neglect to clean, oil and polish the inside of his automail in a while.

As he ripped open a packaged cloth and picked up his metal cleaning solution his thoughts drifted back to Alphonse, the way they usually did, and he found himself smiling again. The night before had really made him feel better. He'd been feeling hurt and becoming more and more depressed by Alphonse's lack of interest in even talking to him. And every time his younger brother dressed up, looked good and smelled good to go on a date with Elizabeth, Edward would feel a sharp rush of pain and jealously over it.

But he'd smother it with thoughts of Alphonse's happiness and his health, which would immediately overrule anything else he was feeling and make it okay again to go about his day…until night time fell and he'd have to try and sleep. He didn't get a lot of sleep lately.

But Alphonse was finally coming around, he'd said he was ready to start trying, Al had said he was ready to move forward, to talk and make things right between them. Edward couldn't have hidden his immense relief when he'd heard those words if he'd cared to try, but if Alphonse had noticed it he hadn't commented. The night had just been so needed, just like he needed Alphonse.

Ed finished off cleaning the shin plate and the screws and then raised his leg back up and started to work at cleaning inside the automail, once he was done with that he'd have to remove the plate over the top of his foot and after that he'd close it up and polish the outside again.

It would take about an hour, he approximated, but he had nothing else to do…and he was feeling good enough that the silence didn't even bother him.

* * *

  
_I kind of like the little rush you get_   
_When you're standing close to death..._   


* * *

After finishing off his automail cleaning, Edward had decided he was bored –since he'd completed the redesigning of the array- so he'd gotten dressed to go out of the apartment, cleaned himself up and left the apartment sometime after noon. His vague plan consisted simply of going out to get something to eat for lunch, popping into a book store or two because he'd run out of recreational reading and from there he figured he'd go to the supermarket or something. He didn't think they needed anything in the apartment because he'd noticed that Alphonse had bought some groceries in the week but he'd browse just in case. Edward had wondered about Al's part time job seeing as how the younger blonde had missed work again that day. But it wasn't a worry out of wanting Al to work, it was a worry over why Al had stopped working.

He'd been so pleased with having a part time job, when he'd first gotten it he'd said it made him feel good and it had been a genuine feeling, Edward had been able to see it, so for him to have just given up on it made Ed worry. More and more, Alphonse was showing signs of clinical depression.

 _'It could just be those anxiety pills that he's on, they're pretty heavy duty.'_  He hoped it was only the meds, but that didn't explain most of Al's recent behavior.

Alphonse becoming clinically depressed would be yet another thing Edward would never forgive himself for causing, but he didn't want to be paranoid. When they'd gone out to the movies Al had seemed okay and from what Ed knew about clinical depression, it wasn't something that was switched off and on so easily, so chances were that Al was just moody because he was stressed. He was just walking across the apartment lobby when he stopped and thought about the array that he'd completed, it was Saturday and Mustang's message had asked if he could get the array to him by Monday since the magazine would put out their next issue on Wednesday.

He chewed the inside of his lip as he glanced to the reception desk, considering asking one of the staff to call and leave a message for Mustang, that way he wouldn't risk having to speak to Hawkeye, who might just transfer him to Mustang's office in a hurry, it had happened before.

But the idea of doing that made him feel childish, he wasn't a teenager anymore, it didn't make him feel like he was getting away with murder whenever he managed to avoid his commanding officer, now that he was an adult, it just seemed stupid.

Not to mention pointless, since he'd probably receive a message back saying he had to report to HQ on Monday to see the man in person. He huffed and glared at the floor for a second, disliking how automatically he referred to it as 'reporting' when he wasn't even in the military anymore. He clenched his jaw once or twice and his gaze drifted to the public phones.

 _'I told him to act like it never happened, by avoiding him I'm not exactly sticking to my own advice. I can't let that…what happened, make things uncomfortable between us.'_  He sighed and started to walk toward to the phones,  _'I have to be more mature than that.'_  He told himself, even though he had done his best to not think about the fact that he'd kissed Roy Mustang, which wasn't very mature because he was running away from it.

But he didn't even want to think of the word  _kiss_  in the context of Roy Mustang, it made him feel  _weird_.

Roy was much older than him and so he told himself that just had to be a bad thing. Also the man had known him when he'd only been 11 years old, just a child, so that was weird too. He'd seen him at his most pathetic, before Edward had ever had his prosthetics and had just been a useless cripple sitting in a wheel chair. He'd seen Edward break down, he'd seen Edward angry, sad, violent, cold…he been on the receiving end of those emotions too.

He had been and was again slowly becoming a serious part of Edward's life…and something told Ed that he needed to draw the line before it went too far. His life was not meant to be an open book and Roy had been too close once before but that had been unavoidable, after all, if it hadn't been for him Edward would have never found the resolve and purpose in joining the military.

But this time was different, Ed was a grown man now and his problems and mistakes could no longer be anyone else's burden but his own, and in wanting to protect everyone he cared about, he knew he had to keep them at a safe distance…at least for as long as it took to sort things out between himself and Alphonse.

He'd reached the row of partitioned phone booths and he slipped into the first available one. Edward leaned his shoulder against the side as he picked up the phone handset…and then put it back down. He had a weird feeling forming in his stomach at the thought of speaking to Mustang for the first time since the…kiss. He pulled his face as the word tripped him up mentally again and then he lifted the handset and stuck his finger into the dialer, turning it back on the first number of the General's administration.

He dialed out the number and continued leaning against the side as he folded his free arm over his mid-section and stared at the phone cable. He knew it was best to get the worst of the awkwardness out of the way before he saw Mustang on Monday, at least then he wouldn't end up doing something ridiculous like stuttering or blushing –no fucking way- if Roy did or said anything even remotely flirtatious.

And he knew Mustang well enough to know the man would still flirt, he was never deterred by awkwardness or discomfort, he seemed perfectly immune to it. Edward missed the days when he had been immune to those sorts of things and everything had been categorized as 'important' and 'not important.' It had been so much simpler to fly off the handle or be rude and brush it off when someone said something annoying or uncomfortable rather than having to acknowledge them and be polite.

Being an adult really sucked sometimes.

The dial tone was ringing in his ear a bit longer than usual and he almost chose to use that as an excuse to hang up but then the phone was answered,

 _-"General Mustang's office."_  It was Breda's voice.

Edward raised his eyebrows,

"Hey Lieutenant, its Ed." He said evenly, and then wondered if he should have specified which Ed since it was a pretty ambiguous shortened name.

 _-"Hey Ed, how's it going?"_  the older man said with a smile in his voice, Edward imagined it was Breda's usual easy going smile.

Edward swallowed down his nervousness, he despised that he was nervous at all about talking to Mustang and he hated even more that it was making him awkward on the phone with other people,

"Uh, okay, I just wanted to talk to Mustang, is he busy?" he frowned right after asking that, he knew he probably sounded as strange to Breda as he did to himself. He wasn't known for asking considerate questions like that, certainly not for Roy Mustang, but he was doing it now because of his damned nervousness and it wasn't like him.

Edward hated being unsure of himself, the only person who deserved to make him feel that way was Alphonse, he latched onto that thought and squared his shoulders, deciding to stop treading so lightly. Mustang was like an animal, he had a sense for emotions and fear; he would pick up on Ed's nervousness if the blonde didn't get it under control.

 _-"Nah, you know the chief, he's only ever as busy as he pretends to be."_  Breda sounded amused and Edward would have laughed or added his two cents usually, but in this case, he just wanted the conversation to be done with,  _"Going through Ed."_  Breda added and Ed realized he hadn't responded,

"Eh, yeah, thanks Lieutenant." He said quickly, glad that he'd managed to sound more like himself that time.

There was a second before the line went quiet and then started ringing again as usual, and he didn't wait more than two rings before the phone was answered,

 _-"General Mustang."_  that was the usual flat, bored tone Edward was familiar with and even though his stomach overturned lightly, he was extremely relieved that it didn't affect his voice,

"Hey, Mustang." This time he didn't bother to say his name, he doubted it was necessary.

There was a pause and Edward thought he heard a flutter of papers and a chair creak before there was anything said,

 _-"I wasn't expecting you to call."_  Mustang said in a quieter voice.

Edward's skin did its weird crawling thing and he didn't like that the conversation was already starting off in an odd way, lowered voices and long pauses.

 _'…the fuck…'_  he frowned and pulled out his usual attitude, even if it seemed abrupt and rude, it was more normal than the way he'd greeted the older man and the way Mustang had lowered his voice when he answered,

"Why not, after all those years of you telling me in performance assessments that I needed to be more competent with the uses of a telephone, I figured I'd make a point." He said in a snarky way.

 _-"Oh, and what point would that be?"_  Mustang sounded amused and Ed instantly felt relieved, he smiling slightly,

"That I just didn't call cause' I never wanted to speak to you." He said lightly.

He heard Roy chuckle and he just knew the man found something in what he'd said to tease him about,

 _-"Then I'm to understand that you're calling me more often these days because you do **want**  to speak to me?"_ he asked in a smooth, less quiet and more smug Mustang-like tone.

Edward didn't know when subtle flirting had become 'normal' but it was better than awkward personal quietness, it was more like the two of them to take shots at each other, even if the insults and jokes had become more mature with age,

"Yeah sure, when you're useful." He smirked as he pulled a long white hair from CookieBoots' fur off his black shirt with an annoyed look. Mustang sighed heavily in his exaggerated way and just like that things were reasonably back to normal,

 _-"What use have you found for me this time, Edward?"_  he asked in his usual lazy voice.

Edward relaxed and some of the tension drained away since it was back to business,

"It's about the array, I've finished it, I thought I'd let you know." He informed.

 _-"You mean you actually managed a deadline, I'm amazed…"_ Edward half rolled his eyes,  _"…if you had a performance review coming up I think it'd be your best yet."_

"Again, I only ever kept you waiting because I enjoyed giving you gray hairs." Ed responded with a small grin.

 _-"And because I never wrote you up for it, you owe me hundreds of hours of overtime as it stands, I could probably get at least another 4 years of military service out you…"_  he sounded thoughtful,  _"…and I **don't**  have gray hairs,  **shorty**."_  He said flatly.

Edward lowered his eyes to give the handset a glare meant for Mustang,

"And I'm  **not**  short, so shut up."

 _-"You used to be."_  He said simply.

"And you will have gray hairs real soon, I'll  **never**  be short again." He said smugly.

_-"You're still shorter than me."_

Edward actually did get a little annoyed at that comment, because it was true,

"Barely." He said through clenched teeth.

 _-"Whether it's an inch or a meter, it still counts."_  He was smiling, Ed could hear it.

"I'll bet that's what your last girlfriend said right before she left you." He shot back.

 _-"Edward, are you sure you want to take this below the belt?"_  Mustang asked in strangely flirtatious tone of voice which was unlike the lazy amusement of all the other come backs.

Edward narrowed his eyes as he considered whether those last words had been just a question or an innuendo but then he realized what he was thinking and frowned,

"No, dammit Mustang…" he tried to remember what he'd initially been talking about, "…ah right, the array, I finished redesigning it so you can turn it in to the journal." He huffed.

_-"Why did you redesign it, what was wrong with it?"_

"Nothing, the original is flawless-…"

 _-"Humble as ever."_  Mustang mumbled.

"…it's just too dangerous." He ignored the comment, "The one I redesigned, it's a safer, less powerful version of the array for conducting electricity that I told you about before."

_-"Most standard alchemists would never figure out how to understand my fire alchemy, the one you made is probably as complicated if not more right? You could…"_

"No, I can't release the original for publication," he said with finality, "we both know that if an array like that falls into the hands of any shithead psycho-alchemists we'll have another Kimblee or Freezer on our hands."

Mustang hummed and Ed frowned suspiciously,

 _-"Edward, you just said 'on **our**  hands'. Is that your indirect way of telling me you're coming back to the military?"_ he sounded rather pleased. Edward clutched the handset tighter, wanting to smack himself in the face for his idiocy.

He had no idea why he made slip ups like that, he'd been out of service for so long the habit should have been gone by now,

"Fine, on  **your**  hands, whatever…"

 _-"Are you coming back though, have you made a decision?"_  the older man's voice was serious now.

"No, I haven't made a decision about rejoining yet, it was just a slip up, I shouldn't have included myself." he sighed quietly, he honestly hadn't thought about the military once in the past week, not for a second.

He'd only been thinking of Alphonse, all the time.

 _-"Subconsciously I think you want to rejoin, I told you when you resigned, once a military man, always a military man."_  Mustang reminded him.

"Shut up." He said irritably, not needing to hear that right then when everything was already so confusing and problematic…and filled with guilt and indecision.

 _-"I'm not trying to upset you."_  Mustang said that like he knew just what Ed was thinking and for the all the blonde knew, maybe he did,  _"You just can't really go wrong if you do, it's not like before, I've told you that things have changed. On top of that the salary would be significantly higher-…"_  Ed sighed, he'd heard it all before,  _"…you'd also be able to get a housing subsidy, Alphonse always did say he wanted a proper home one day."_  that statement just made Edward's guilt unfurl quickly in his gut,  _"With the rank of Colonel you'll get military health insurance, you'll have access to military vehicles, you'll get research grants and-…"-_

Edward sighed and pressed his fingers into his eyes,

"Yeah, yeah I know…" and he did, it all sounded great and even though there was always the threat of war looming over his head if he ever rejoined, the pros did outweigh the cons in terms of everyday life.

But that was not the conversation Ed wanted to be having right then, he'd just started feeling better and he didn't want to mess that up by overthinking about things that weren't immediately important,

"…so listen," he changed the subject abruptly, like he always did, "can you collect the cheque from the journal on my behalf since you like all that attention, and also, I'm not signing off my consent for them to publish unless the right's release form states clearly they're **not**  permitted to use the name Fullmetal Alchemist anywhere in the journal, just  **Edward Elric**." He stressed the point, just in case Mustang was getting hard of hearing in his old age.

Mustang sighed and there was the sound a creaking chair again,

_-"Just Edward Elric, hm? Fine, I don't like it but I won't argue since I'm well acquainted with your stubbornness. I'll be sure to tell him that when he calls. He'll bring the release form to me on Monday if I let him know today, so I'll come by tomorrow and pick up the array?"_

Edward pursed his lips, thinking about seeing Mustang again was still a little awkward, he still hadn't given any full blown thought to what had happened. He found not thinking about the fact that Mustang's tongue had been in his mouth –and had felt good too- made it easier not to feel guilty and pathetic all at once.

Still, he knew he'd have to see the man again soon and until then he'd have to figure out a way to get over the weird skin crawling feeling,

"…you don't have to do that Roy, I can bring the array to HQ on Monday. I have to come in any way to find out about the construction project this week." He said as evenly as he could but he could hear the tension in his voice.

He heard Mustang sigh again, quieter now,

 _-"If you come here it's just going to be business as usual, I would prefer to come and see you, I was…hoping we could talk."-_  Roy was using the same quiet, low voice he'd started the conversation off with and Edward frowned, disliking where this was going,

"Talk about what?" he asked, even though he already suspected what it was.

_-"About what happened the last time we saw each other Ed-…"_

" **No** ," he sighed out the answer, "I told you to act like it never happened." Edward leaned heavily against the partition and raised his hand to press his fingers into his eyes again.

He could feel a headache forming.

 _-"It's not that easy Edward."_ Roy sighed.

"Why not?" he asked quickly, feeling exasperated as he dragged his hand down his face.

 _-"Because you left in a hurry, you were angry but you did… **respond**  to what happened."_ Roy was being discreet because the military lines weren't always closed and secure.

"Ugh…" Edward knew he'd  _responded_ , he'd kissed Roy back and he'd been turned on and he'd been so weak and in a bad place and he'd almost made a mistake he knew he would have regretted. Ed felt weird, nauseous and yet oddly curious when the idea of having sex with Mustang crossed his mind,

 _'I don't fucking need this.'_  He shook his head quickly,

"…what the fuck Mustang…it happened a week ago, can't you just let it go?" he asked hopefully and tiredly.

He had way too much to deal with and he didn't need to try and explain to Roy  _why_  he wasn't interested, because he knew, even if he didn't want to know it, that under different circumstances…ending up in Mustang's bed wouldn't have sounded like a bad thing at all. Edward had always thought Roy was attractive, even if it'd been in and entirely neutral way, a simply observed fact back then, he'd still noticed…and he still knew now that Mustang was an attractive man.

Albeit being much older.

 _-"You keep saying that, but you're not telling me why."_  Roy pointed out calmly.

Edward couldn't give him a reason, he couldn't say 'it's because I know I'll end up fucking up our friendship' or 'I'll just end up hurting you because I'm in love my own brother'. He grimaced as the thought crossed his mind, glaringly honest, but darkly secret.

"It was a mistake, my mistake, I shouldn't have let it happen and I  **don't want to talk about it**." he could feel himself getting angry now, he really didn't ever want to have to discuss this.

It was too stressful and too complicated.

 _-"I think you're overreacting, it was a simple interaction Edward, between two adults who, as far as I could tell, were **both**  enjoying said interaction quite a bit."_ Mustang said in a business like voice but Edward just  _knew_ he was smirking. While Roy was finding it amusing, Edward could feel his temper rising,

"Geez, I didn't call you for this shit," he clenched his jaw and stood off the partition, "I was just responding to your message about the publication material…I'm hanging up-…"

 _-"Alright…"_  Roy dragged the word out, his tone light and pleasant,  _"…I'll drop it, for now, since you sound like you're getting **flustered**."_

Edward narrowed his eyes,

"Shut up, why do you sound so fucking amused?" that really annoyed him.

 _-"Because I can just picture you blushing."_  he chuckled and Edward's eye twitched,

" **What…** I am not blushing you bastard." he stated a bit louder than he would have liked and chanced a glance behind him but all he saw was the wall and he turned back to glare at the mounted phone as Mustang laughed quietly again,

_-"Relax Ed, I can practically see the steam coming out of your ears, I won't bring it up again, okay?"_

And even though Edward just  _knew_  Mustang would, he did relax, because it was easier to put the topic off until later rather than have to deal with it right then,

"I'd appreciate that as much as you'll appreciate me not punching you in the face if you bring it up next time I see you." He said pleasantly and meant it, he'd slug Mustang and it'd feel so good.

 _-"I'll take that deal…"_  the older man mumbled,  _"…so I'll see you tomorrow, probably late afternoon, will you be making lunch or dinner?"_  he enquired lightly.

Edward rolled his eyes and scoffed,

"As if, I'm not cooking for you, I keep telling you I'm not a woman…" he informed lazily and rubbed at his shoulder with his free hand, feeling how stiff his muscles were.

He really wouldn't have minded one of Al's massages right then…soft, smooth, warm and skilled hands on his skin.

Edward shut his eyes tightly as he squeezed sorely at the tension in his shoulder to distract himself from thoughts of Al's hands on his body. The last time he'd received a massage it had been full bodied and they'd both been naked and right when Alphonse had started to massage his thighs after finishing Ed's chest…there'd been wet kisses over his abdomen that had trailed lower and lower, until Al's massaging hands had started to move in sync with his mouth…up and down…

 _'That was more than two months ago…'_ he swallowed a sigh and shoved the arousing thought out of his mind, feeling disgusted at himself for playing back those memories.

Mustang laughed quietly again,

 _-"I should have expected that, anyway, I'll see you tomorrow afternoon then."_  he said sounding distracted and Edward heard the sound of a door opening in the background,

"…yeah, okay, that's fine, just as long as you bring food." He answered as he listened to the mumble of someone saying something to Roy.

 _-"That's fine."_  Edward heard Roy say, mouth most likely away from the receiver because he sounded further away. There was another mumble,  _"good afternoon Lieutenant."_  Mustang said in a bored tone and then a door sounded again,  _"Do you and Alphonse eat curry?"_  Roy's voice was back to full sound into the phone.

Edward raised an eyebrow slightly,

"Yeah, Al and I both eat that…" he said tiredly, ready for the longer than expected conversation to be over. He was nauseous and hungry and he just wanted some fresh air.

 _-"Great…"_  he sighed and Edward heard papers shuffling, he assumed Mustang was also ready to end the conversation before it took a turn into awkward and upsetting again,  _"…that array, the original, you should keep it somewhere it won't be discovered if it's as dangerous as you say."_  he sounded completely bored and flat now.

Edward could just picture him scanning over documents with a dull gaze, he'd seen that so often as a teen the image was forever burned into his mind,

"Yeah, the original array is in a safe place…I intend to destroy it eventually." He admitted, thinking again that he probably should have done it already.

 _-"Destroy it? Are you sure?"_  Mustang's tone went a bit higher at the question.

The conversation was back to normal and Edward blinked lazily,

"Yes. I'm sure." He sighed and went back to massaging his shoulder, making a face at the ache there. That time he forced himself not to think about Alphonse's massages, not in any way other than platonically.

 _-"…okay…oh and what about the article, you're not worried that Al will see it?"_  Mustang asked just when Ed had thought he could say a short goodbye and hang up.

He ran a hand over his ponytail and leaned against the partition again,

"Alphonse won't see the publication," he felt so guilty just admitting that but it was the truth, "he doesn't read the Journal of Alchemical Atmospheric Sciences so he won't come across the article…" when Mustang had first sent him the message about the magazine he'd immediately wracked his brain to remember what sort of weekly literature Alphonse read to make sure he could say 'yes' before he'd decided to go ahead.

He felt awful for keeping it from Alphonse but he hoped that now that things seemed to have potential of getting better between them, that he would be able to find a good moment to tell the younger blonde the truth about his alchemy. He knew once the secret was off his chest he'd feel better and he hoped he and Al could move forward faster. Sometimes he wondered why he hadn't just told Alphonse in the first place, after his restoration…when things had been simpler between them.

It seemed like a million years ago now…that happiness.

Mustang sighed and his tone became very quiet and grave,

_-"Edward, you know it's not fair that you're keeping this secret from your brother, it's not going to get any easier to tell him the longer you keep it from him."_

Having already been feeling like shit just  _thinking_  about the fact that he was keeping the huge secret from his beloved younger brother, Edward's temper flared,

" **What?** " he snapped, furious that Roy had the nerve to say that to him, like he didn't already know everything that was  _wrong_  with him keeping such a serious thing from Al.

Mustang went on quietly,

_-"I'm sure you feel guilty for hiding it, you must want to get it off your chest-…"_

" **Yes**  you asshole," he had to cut Mustang's concerned words off, he didn't  _need_ to hear that, he didn't  _need_  any of this, "I  **do**  and I  **want**  to but the time is not right and -…" he realized he was raising his voice and he closed his eyes tightly. He hit the side of his fist against the partition as he clenched his teeth and shook his head, inhaling deeply to calm himself somewhat, "…you know what, I don't have to explain myself to you." He said surely, deciding that for once, he'd be the one to hang up on Mustang, "Like I've told you before,  **stay out**  of my business with Alphonse."

And he did hang up, he banged the phone down on the hook and was satisfied by the loud 'ting' that followed. He breathed heavily a few times and then played the end of the conversation back in his mind, frowning slightly to himself. He felt bad…because Roy's voice had been nothing but concerned for the ever worsening condition of his own relationship with Alphonse, he was just worried for Edward and the blonde couldn't help feeling like shit for continually telling Roy to back off.

All he was doing was trying to help…and he was in a way, but Ed had to keep reminding himself that he couldn't let Mustang get too close, not until there was time for friends and permanent jobs and houses and normal lives…

Now was not the time.

He sighed heavily,

"Shit…" he really hoped that things would come right soon, before anyone asked too many questions or anything else had the chance to go wrong, "…shit…shit…" he shook his head and licked his dry lips before turning out of the phone booth with a firm stride.

Edward's eyes widened and he had to stop short after a few steps because he'd nearly walked into a guy coming toward a booth. The guy had looked momentarily startled by Ed's stride, or maybe it was the glare Ed could feel was fixed on his face,

"Excuse me." The man said and stepped into the booth beside him to give him room to pass,

"Yeah, 'scuse me." Ed muttered and walked by without a second look, heading back to the lobby.

His tension felt worse after that conversation with Mustang, it had started out so pleasantly and ended so badly and it had happened so quickly. He shook his head, tired of his temper -which he'd taken years to get any sort of handle on- being uncontrollable lately.

 _'Last night was the calmest I've felt in weeks,'_  he sighed as he stuffed his hands in his jeans pockets and headed for the building exit,  _'I hope Al and I can work things out…I really fucking need…I just need things to be okay with us again.'_

* * *

_Like when you're driving me crazy..._

* * *

Edward walked away from a road side vendor with two large kebabs stuck with delicious meat held in his hand. It was freshly made, still hot and layered with a rich sweet chili sauce, just the way he liked it. When he took the first large bite out of it and some of the thick sauce landed on his black shirt, he glared at the glob as though it had been out to get him. After a moment he felt like he'd sufficiently intimidated the saucy glob, so he returned his attention back to the kebabs and took another bite out of it. He was walking along a busy sidewalk, it was a Saturday so everyone was out and shopping or going to lunches with family, friends and dates.

 _'Just like Al.'_  he'd finished off the first kebab in few large bites and was now running his tongue along his teeth to clean them of sauce and meat as he wiped the serviette over his mouth. When he was done he adjusted the packet hanging from his right arm that had his newly purchased books inside of it, two for himself and one for Al, he always had to buy something for Al or he didn't feel right about buying anything for himself.

He walked at a reasonable pace, chewing on the meat from his second kebab and allowing the din of the world to distract him so he didn't have to get sucked into deep thoughts about his life. He knew that even though he and Al had made some sort of progress the night before, it didn't mean that things would just be better, it would still take a lot of work. With a sigh he finished off his second kebab and then he dumped his waste into the first street dustbin he came across and took a moment to look around him. Central was a huge city and it was not as clean in air or void of noise pollution like the country…but he preferred it there, in the city.

Just when thinking that he glanced around and saw a pair of soldiers walking along the sidewalk across the street. He noticed how people no longer sent them filthy looks as they passed by, Mustang was right, the city's…no, the nation's circumstances had changed,

 _'And he'll be Fuhrer soon, and he'll continue to make changes and make Amestris better, just like he planned.'_  Ed frowned,  _'Like we all planned.'_  He wondered if he really wanted to be a part of it all again, if he really wanted to go back into service.

While there would be subordinates, paper work, political and patriotic duties, orders from superiors and a uniform…there'd be stability. He would no longer just be drifting around, he'd have a purpose, a daily grind.

 _'But I'm not able to be in the field anymore and I hate staying in one place.'_  He reminded himself and lowered his eyes to the curb side as he thought of how regimented his day would be if he had to sit behind a desk and delegate all day, or be delegated to. He didn't think it'd suck too much to be directly working for the Fuhrer of the country, which alone would have its perks and its drawbacks. He grumbled quietly, a halfhearted curse and started walking again, thinking of how nothing was really as simple as it seemed.

Making a decision of 'yes' or 'no' was shrouded with so much uncertainty it was hard to choose.

And then there was Alphonse, Edward didn't know if his younger brother would really care all that much now that he had a girlfriend, but he hadn't forgotten the fact that he'd promised Alphonse he'd never rejoin the military.

 _'But if he gets serious with Elizabeth and they end up living together or whatever, I'll need something to keep me sane, to keep me busy.'_  He ran a hand over his mouth.

He was just turning a busy corner when he heard some people talking about looking forward to something and he glanced up just as two young girls walked by, holding flyers of something and each other's arms as they smiled and talked about whatever was so exciting. He hadn't been able to get a look at the flyer they'd been huddling over so he glanced around for a source of the papers. He spotted a kid, probably around 13 or 14 years old, coming toward him carrying a stack of flyers printed in the same color. The boy was wearing a school uniform, Edward didn't recognize it per se, but he knew that it was a private school uniform because of the stupid little hat the kid was wearing as well as how uncomfortable it all looked.

The public schools either didn't have uniforms or they were less superfluous about their chosen outfits. This kid's uniform was layers of blazer, neck scarf, jersey, shirt, gloves, tie, hat and he walked with a strictly bred upright posture that came with money, etiquette classes and years of prep school attendance.

As he was about to pass Edward grabbed him by his shoulder and he was pulled off balance, Edward wasn't surprised by the boy's startled expression since he'd caught him completely off guard. Edward didn't apologize when the boy turned to face him, instead he wiggled his fingers in a 'give it here' gesture as he eyed the flyers, he was still cleaning meat out of his teeth.

The boy, who was a good few inches shorter than Ed, was scowling as he held out the stack of flyers for Edward to take. He took the stack from the kid and turned it around so he could read it.

He raised his eyebrows,

"A carnival huh, Mortimer *Academic College…your school's paying for this?" he glanced at the boy and then at the insignia on his hat and blazer –and tie and jersey and school bag- and the teenager blinked at him as if just seeing him for the first time,

"Uh, no, we're just hosting it for Drachma because we have large enough enclosed grounds." He said in a bit of an excited voice, eyes wide and he was pretty much staring up at Ed.

Edward continued to read the flyer but it didn't seem necessary because his question had apparently afforded him full commentary on the event,

"The carnival, or as they say in Drachma," he raised his eyebrows as if that would help him pronounce it better, " _Karnaval"_ ,he smiled, seemingly chuffed with himself and Edward just stared at him apathetically, "is the first major Drachman affair hosted in Amestris since they resigned the new non-aggression agreement a five years ago and it's going to be an extravaganza. There'll be music, dancing, circus acts, other performers, carnival rides, vendors with foreign food and-…"

"I get it, I get it…big deal…big party…lots of merriment…" Edward waved a hand at the kid to get him to shut up and the boy's mouth did close but his eyes still looked excited for some reason.

Edward wondered just how big the school was to host this event that would obviously be massive,

"Your school must be on the outskirts of Central right?" he enquired, knowing that outside of the tight centre of Central there was a suburbia and also, as Mortimer College was, huge grounds for private schools and specialised universities, golf courses, sports stadia and even horse racing tracks among a lot of other things. All for the wealthier Central residents.

"Yes sir," Edward cocked an eyebrow, did he look like a 'sir'? "Mortimer College is on the North East end of Central, our grounds overlooks the *Avon River." Edward leaned back as the kid took a big breath, "Will you be there, sir?" he asked with wide eyes.

Edward peeled one of the flyers of the stack and handed the rest back to the boy, who didn't look as he grabbed once then twice for the stack before he finally had it in his hands but he was looking hopefully expectant at the blonde and Edward was getting creeped out,

"Eh, maybe…what's it to you, kid." It wasn't really a question he wanted answered, to make that obvious he started walking away.

The creepy kid followed.

Edward shot him a sidelong glare when he trotted up beside him, stack of flyers in hand and eyes still wide, he was smiling,

"Because if you are sir, then I have some books I'd like you to sign, please."

Edward stopped walking and the kid, creepily, stopped at the exact same time, eyes still wide and smile still thin but genuinely excited. He blinked slowly and frowned at the boy,

"What books?" he suspected…

"Alchemy books  _of course_ , I have many, some with your work is in them and others where you're mentioned and referenced." He said surely, Ed glanced around,

"You say that like you know me, kid." He no longer suspected, he knew…

"Of course I do sir, you're the Fullmetal Alchemist." He said a bit loudly and a few people walking by turned to glance at them.

Edward glared down at the boy and the young teen's smile faltered,

"Don't go saying that so loud, kid, what makes you think I'm…him…anyway." He started walking again, faster, because some people's stares were lingering.

"I've collected your work and newspaper articles of you since I was 8 years old, I've seen many printed pictures of you…you look older…and much taller…" Edward's eye twitched violently, "…but you look exactly like him, I mean you." The boy skipped to keep up because Ed was striding faster to show just how not short his legs were, "You are, aren't you?" the kid seemed to get the idea and had lowered his voice as he kept up with Edward.

Edward shook his head,

"No kid, I'm not." He said tensely as he crossed the street with a crowd of people. It was the truth, he wasn't anymore. The boy didn't slow down and Ed glanced down and saw that he had a frown on his face,

"But I'm so  **sure** , I can't be wrong, your hair and your eyes." The boy's eyes flitted to Ed's visible right hand and he frowned, clearly confused by the flesh.

"Lay off, kid." Edward used his warning tone as he headed along a street which would take him in the direction of home. Suddenly being out in public was a pain, damn kid.

"But-…"

"Kid," Edward stopped and snapped, the boy blinked and continued to frown as he stepped back, "I said  **lay off**. I'm not who you think I am." He huffed at the disappointed look on the boy's face and then he turned around and started walking away.

 _'I'm not even who I thought I was.'_  Edward thought bitterly as he strode away, glad to see the boy had taken the –outright- hint and was no longer following. It bothered Ed just a bit to brush off a younger alchemy enthusiast, it bothered him that he felt like he would be lying to the boy if he'd admitted he was, or used to be, the Fullmetal Alchemist.

Because that wasn't him anymore, it hadn't been for a long time. Right then Edward remembered one of the main reasons he hadn't told Alphonse about his lack of alchemy…

…it was because he didn't feel strong or confident without it and he didn't want his younger brother to know he had such pathetic weaknesses. He hadn't wanted Alphonse to think any less of him, but now it seemed like that was the case anyway.

 _'I don't want to make it worse, I don't want him to blame himself for what's missing in me, I can't…tell him.'_  the walk home was miserable and Edward could feel a distant ache in his automail which told him the slight chill in the air was going to be much worse tomorrow.

 _'Just one more thing to look forward to.'_  He thought sarcastically as he sighed and hunched his shoulders.

* * *

 _'...56, 57, 58, 59…'_  Edward exhaled through his nose loudly as he rose on his arms steadily, only to lower himself again. He made sure to keep his back and shoulder posturing aligned and straight, he focused on raising and lowering at an unchanging pace, focused on keeping his toes and hands firmly in place on the cool tiles and his eyes straight ahead as he did push ups.

He had to focus on something, he had to stare at the floor of his bedroom while focusing on steadying his breathing, on the start of a burn in his muscles that he often missed…he had to focus on something because it was the only way to keep himself from going downstairs to the apartment building lobby and calling Elizabeth's house to ask –demand- to know where Al was and if he was okay.

It upset him that he had no idea where Alphonse was, it had started to upset him more the later it got and once it reached 9 PM and he'd still heard no word from the younger blonde, cracking his knuckles more times than they could pop while pacing the lounge and hall and the kitchen were no longer sufficient in easing his frustration and worry. So he'd started to exercise in his bedroom but when stretching, mock skipping, balance form training and doing hand stands –one and two handed- hadn't been enough to keep his mind busy he'd started to work out in earnest.

He supposed he was getting a bit overly worked up over it but he was more stressed out because he hadn't seen Al all day and subconsciously he'd been hoping to and looking forward to it, because Alphonse had said they could finally talk and sort things out between the two of them. He'd been looking forward to some normalcy, some relaxing, better conversation than they'd had in weeks and after waiting for it all day, just watching as the hours crawled by…it had started to work on what was left of his frayed nerves.

Weeks of anger and frustration and misery had left him little patience to work with but he'd been managing, until the night before when Alphonse had given him hope, now going back to that stalemate just didn't seem possible…

But he also knew he couldn't get upset over it, if Al was out with his  _girlfriend_  Edward knew he had to force himself to be okay with that -at least on the outside- because with his girlfriend was exactly where Al had every right to be.

 _'I wish he'd at least have called…'_  Edward frowned irritably as he breathed heavily, he'd lost count but he was still going. He was only 15 minutes into his work out, he'd started with sit ups, then moved on to abdominal crunches and now he was doing push ups. He randomly picked up counting from where he'd remembered leaving off, somewhere in the 70's and before his next rise he took one of his arms out of the equation and put it up and behind his back, he carried on from there, keeping his pace with one arm. He reached 103 on one arm when he heard an indistinct clacking and clicking sound from outside his room down the hall and he paused on a rise.

He heard a quiet thud behind him and put his second hand down on the floor for balance just as he glanced behind him in time to spot CookieBoots trotting across the bedroom toward the closed door with his tail straight up in the air, he'd been asleep on Ed's bed. CookieBoots waking up and wanting to leave made Edward question whether or not he needed to check what the noise was since he wasn't entirely sure he'd heard anything, even though it was silent as he listened presently.

With a slight frown he pulled his legs up under him and stood before he picked the front of his shirt up absently to wipe over his face –although he'd barely broken a sweat- before he started walking toward the door. He pulled it open and frowned deeper when CookieBoots rushed out into the hall only to turn into Al's room instead of going to the entrance. He wondered then whether the cat had just gotten up to eat something or use his litter box and hadn't heard anything because even as Ed padded barefoot down the hall, he didn't hear any noise that would signify Alphonse was home.

Still, he walked the length of the hall –glancing into Al's room just in case the other blonde had slipped inside unheard- until he reached the small entry area and when his eyes fell on Alphonse's back just as the younger blonde was shutting the door, Edward felt a rush of relief and irritation,

 _'Why the fuck is he skulking around so quietly, is he avoiding me?'_  he really hoped that wasn't the case, not again, not after the small amount of progress they'd made just the night before.

As an extra thought, just as Al had turned around and spotted him –he looked downright miserable…and pale- Ed wondered what could have changed in the few hours of a day that would make Alphonse suddenly try to avoid him?

"Fuck Al," he started, ready to rant but then reminded himself that he couldn't use a demanding tone to ask where the younger blonde had been, he was an adult and could go where he wanted without Ed's permission. So Edward sighed his next question instead of stating it aggressively, "where the hell were you all day, you said you were just going to lunch…?" he inhaled quietly and masked his anxiety with a small smile.

Alphonse didn't smile back, he only blinked slowly and licked his lips, staring tiredly back at Edward. Feeling awkward, he decided to interpret Alphonse's stare as annoyed and he felt his confidence wane, he hated to think he was getting on his brother's nerves, so he backed off and kept his small forced smile,

"…you could have let me know if you were going to be out  **all**  day you know, so I wouldn't have worried." Ed stifled a sigh.

Alphonse just continued to stare at him for another long few seconds before the younger blonde looked away over Ed's shoulder and shrugged slightly,

"Yeah, next time, I'll try to remember." He said sounding disinterested in the subject before he walked around Edward and the older blonde caught the faintest whiff of perfume -a feminine type- from Al as he walked by and down the hall.

Edward took a quiet slow breath, trying to stop himself from getting irritated and feeling hurt all at once, he'd had a decent day without as much stress up until a few hours earlier when Al was late coming home, he didn't want to lose that calm. He had to keep his head and know his place, so he asked a safe question, a brotherly question,

"You okay, did you have a good day?" he hoped to get some idea of where Al had been all day.

Even though he already knew the answer judging by the scent of perfume; with Elizabeth.

He followed Al down the hall, keeping his face neutral even as images of Alphonse fooling around with Elizabeth ran through his mind. It wasn't hard to picture, after having seen how good they'd looked together at Gracia's party, conjuring up closer images of the two wasn't hard.

Alphonse walked slowly down the hall,

"Yeah, I guess." He answered flatly.

"You look…really tired." Edward pointed out as he noted the slouch in Al's shoulders and the way he dragged his feet as he walked.

Alphonse stopped at the bathroom door and pushed it open with a hand as he turned around to face Edward and in the white light from the bathroom, Al's appearance was clearer…

"I am tired, I was at Elizabeth's house and I'm fine," he sighed heavily, "I just want to take a shower and go to bed." He sounded defeated, he sounded tired but it was more than that and now that Ed could see better, he quickly realized what he was looking at.

Edward's heart beat faster and harder in his chest as he absorbed the sight of his younger brother, the obvious slightly sweated and faintly blotchy appearance of his flawless skin, the dry, redness of his perfectly shaped lips, the messy way his soft, smooth blonde hair sat atop his head and the lethargic, glossy set of his eyelids over his beautiful golden eyes. Ed dropped his gaze to look over the rest of Al and even though his clothes weren't unusually creased for a day of wearing them, the appearance of them on Al's tired –and thin- frame, only highlighted what Edward suspected.

But he couldn't be absolutely sure, and he couldn't lean over and smell Alphonse for a scent of sex and sweat, and he couldn't demand to know. But most importantly, he couldn't let it bother him if his younger brother had come home after more than likely having gotten laid by his girlfriend. All he  **could**  do was walk away to be alone with his emotional pain,

"Okay…good night." He forced his voice to sound as flat as he could get it and without another look at Alphonse's hurtful appearance, Edward walked around his younger brother and walked quickly down the hall and into his bedroom.

He hadn't meant for the door to slam but in his hurry to plant his face into his pillow, he'd pushed the door behind him a bit harshly and the sound of it shutting punctuated the finality of something. Something real.

Edward walked to his bed and when he reached it he raised a leg and when his knee touched the soft surface he let himself fall onto his bed, bone weary and worn thin from exhaustion and emotional conflict, he breathed into his pillow face down and heavily.

He didn't cry, it took a lot to bring him to tears…a lot of Alphonse to bring him to tears. But in this case he was not the focus, Elizabeth was the focus. Alphonse wasn't interested in him, wasn't looking for him or needing him anymore. No, this time it wasn't about what Edward could have done wrong, Alphonse was just moving on like he was meant to and the way Ed knew he'd encouraged. So he didn't cry, he just laid there and let the ache of his emotional pain move through him as he started to mentally condition himself to  _accept_  it. Like all the guilt and pain he'd suffered in his life, when it became real, when it became unavoidable and there was nowhere left to hide and pretend like it was okay, he had to embrace it.

He'd known the day would come when Alphonse would be with someone else, he knew it was right and he knew at some point he'd probably do the same. But for right then…fuck, did it hurt.

He and Alphonse had been with each other only, for months, like any monogamous relationship. There'd been commitment, there'd been trust, there'd been intimacy…so much intimacy…and even in all the guilt and all the sickness and moral questioning, there'd been love and it had been real.

It had meant more to Edward than he'd been comfortable to admit to himself before, but since acknowledging that he loved Alphonse in  _that_  way, he could admit to himself that he was losing the best thing that could have ever happened to him. He was losing a lover he didn't deserve, a body he didn't deserve to have touched with his blood and sin tainted hands. A heart and love that he didn't deserve to have because he'd taken so many years of Alphonse's life away from him. He didn't deserve to have had Alphonse's forgiveness for that very first and most awful mistake. But he had…and Alphonse had given him more than forgiveness.

Handed to him on a silver platter, unconditionally, and still he'd fucked it up.

He laughed bitterly into his pillow, his chest ached, it was so fucking ironic. All the months he'd had Alphonse, all he'd been able to focus on was how wrong it felt to be having a sexual relationship with his brother. But now, when all of that was taken out of the situation and they were no longer together, everything that had mattered and worried him seemed so far away.

Because now all he could ask himself was 'how bad could one more secret have been?' on top of all the others they'd had. He'd convinced himself he'd wanted to end it because it was the right thing to do by Alphonse, he told himself Al needed to live a free life, a happy, normal, pure life…but now when it was happening and Al was starting to live without him, it felt greater than the sense of loss he'd experienced when they'd first had sex.

But Edward wasn't stupid, he knew he was thinking himself in circles. His original logic was right, he and Alphonse should not be together. Alphonse was proving him right as well by moving on so quickly, doing so well with Elizabeth, it showed Edward –however painful it was to see- that he'd been right to sever their relationship.

Yes it hurt to lose Alphonse and it was hard to stop himself from trying to justify his feelings for his younger brother, it was hard to lie to himself and tell himself he was okay with never kissing Alphonse again. But he'd suffered through much harder things and when the cause was for Alphonse it was always worth it.

So no matter how much he second guessed himself, he wouldn't let his resolve slip.

Alphonse was making progress, Alphonse would be happy and the two of them would fix their brotherhood and then soon –maybe a week, a month or even a year- they'd be back to normal.

 _'I'll always have Alphonse as a brother.'_  He sniffed quietly and raised his arms up from where they'd laid flat along his sides before he slipped them under his pillow and turned his face so he was looking at the wall.

His eyes burned but he could feel the misery start to ebb to the place in his heart and mind where he could contain it and control it. His life had always been about hiding his pain, he knew all too well how to do it.

He lay for a long time in the ringing silence –despising it- and forcing himself to think of ways to bring Elizabeth closer to them. He knew if he didn't want to lose Alphonse too much then he'd have to accept and welcome Elizabeth into their home and lives, include her in everything he could.

He had to show he was happy…letting Al see that he was happy for him was important. He didn't want to bring up any more guilt in Alphonse by showing how badly affected he was by his and Elizabeth's relationship. Because Al was relying on him to be strong and enforce the change in their lives. Alphonse was relying on him to make things better…

Edward didn't want to think about the many holes in his reasoning. Like the fact that Alphonse hadn't looked happy a single day since they'd one hundred percent broken up at Gracia's party. Or like the fact that every time Al said he had a date with Elizabeth his voice was always blatantly flat and resigned. He didn't want to think about the fact that Alphonse still looked at him  _that_  way some times when he thought Ed didn't notice.

He didn't want to think about the fact that Alphonse still obviously wanted to be with him and was probably with Elizabeth simply because Ed had forced him into it…

…because that thought only dredged up all the wrong feelings and guilt. It only complicated everything more and made Edward second guess his inner strength and what he wanted and what was right and wrong.

It was hard enough to deal with one thing, that one thing being his and Alphonse's –forced- break up, it would be even harder if he had to consider all the reasons why they shouldn't have ended the relationship so prematurely. It was harder still to think of how many things had been unresolved between them at the time, like Edward's strongly developing feelings and Alphonse's misplaced guilt.

There were so many things that just kept piling up and he couldn't see a way through it all.

So as he closed his eyes and hoped for sleep to take him and the pain in his chest to subside, Edward found himself hoping that something would give, because until it did, those unresolved issues and feelings would  _always_ be problems.

Brotherly love and lovers aside…their secrets and unspoken feelings would always hold them back.

_'…because we can't move forward, if we're always thinking about what happened in the past.'_

* * *

_Hold on as we crash into the earth..._

_A bit of pain will help you suffer when you're hurt, for real..._

* * *

The following morning was cold and overcast and quiet, so quiet that Edward had been tempted to start smashing dishes to break the deafening ringing in his ears as he sat at the table eating oatmeal.

He hated oatmeal.

He spooned another lot of the thick, sloppy sweet substance into his mouth and felt sick but he wasn't about to make himself anything more complicated to eat. He was too tired and too hopeless.

The night before spent lying awake while finally coming to terms with the fact that life for himself and Alphonse would never be the same again had been a stressful and draining –though quiet- process.

At sometime around 5 am, it had dawned on Edward that nothing he did would matter. Like he'd originally feared, after sleeping together, their relationship was changed from the core, they'd never be the same, they'd never recover what they'd lost.

Something would always be wrong because they'd crossed lines and mixed blood that should never have come together. Sill, life would go on and so would he and Alphonse.

With a grimace on his face he spooned the last of his breakfast into his mouth and then pushed himself out from the table, his chair scraped against the tiles loudly, and then he dumped his bowl into the sink along with a collection of other unwashed dishes before he left the kitchen.

He was going to take a cool shower in order to wake himself up, he hadn't slept so his mind was foggy and his cognitive processes were sluggish. As usual, he didn't have any specific means of getting rid of his frustration or sleepiness so he was going to resort to a walk and fresh air.

He didn't glance at Al's closed bedroom door as he passed it.

* * *

_'Cause you were driving me crazy..._

* * *

Edward returned a few hours later from walking the quiet Sunday streets with a new radio under his arm, a grocery packet with a six pack of over-priced beer and some potato chips. He hadn't gone out thinking about buying anything specific, but as he'd walked by the supermarket he'd gone in to get something to drink for later that afternoon when Mustang would visit. After that he'd continued on his walk and the minute he spotted a radio in a shop window, he'd thought about spending another night or day in the silent apartment and had immediately gone into the store to buy one.

He kicked his boots off and pushed them with his feet so they were settled next to another pair he'd left out of the closet the day before when he'd returned home. A part of him was aware that doing such a thing would probably get on Alphonse's nerves at some point and that same part was looking forward to giving Alphonse a reason to stop avoiding him, even if it was just to yell.

He frowned as the thought occurred to him, it bothered him how childish he was feeling. Jealousy was not an emotion Edward had too much experience with. Aside from his height envy and complex from when he'd been a young teen, he'd never known the feeling of coveting or desiring something another person had or was.

But now every second where he wasn't distracting his mind he was thinking about Alphonse holding, kissing and having sex with Elizabeth and it was eating at him.

He knew it should be the idea of his brother  _having sex_  with any person that should bother him because it was his brother and it should be  _gross_ …but in the twisted world he lived in, it was just jealousy he felt, at not being the one having sex with his brother.

The thought –blatantly disturbing and honest as it was- made him nauseous and he pulled his face in self-disapproval as he walked into the lounge with his new tube radio. He placed it down on the coffee table along with the packet containing the beer and chips for the moment and then he walked over to the book shelf and pushed aside some of the books neatly to make room for the new appliance.

It was a light color wood finish with a rounded top and a wide base, he would have preferred something to match the Tudor style coloring of the apartment, white walls and dark wood, but it wasn't a big deal to him, he just thought that Alphonse would probably point out what an eye sore it was.

 _'It's like I'm looking for a confrontation with him.'_  He thought as he turned back to the coffee table and picked up the slightly weighty appliance. He carried it over to the shelf and placed it in the space he'd made between the books and he gave it a considering look, narrowing his eyes before he glanced over to the fireplace and thought about placing it above the hearth instead.

Something kept nagging at him that shelves were for  _books_ and not radios, but in the end he just huffed quietly and shrugged off the annoying impulse to move the new contraption. He didn't switch it on right away, instead he took his other purchases to the kitchen and unpacked the chips into the cupboard and the beer into the fridge before he left the kitchen –casting a quick, sad glance down the hall at Al's bedroom door- and then he made his way back to the new radio. Edward reached for the power knob and turned it on, it made a soft click noise and then the lounge was filled with the sound of a crackling static and broken voices.

He scrunched his nose up as he turned the volume down and then focused his attention on the tuner knob. Ed leaned his hand against the shelf as he turned the knob slowly, adjusting and readjusting whenever he found a station that wasn't clear enough. When it cleared up and he was able to hear what was playing he started tuning it again, he wasn't interested in listening to running news commentary right then, he had enough on his mind as it was.

So he tuned the radio to a music station, it was a bit of an upbeat jazz and jive sort of sound so he left it there for a moment, closing his eyes and enjoying the noise. He'd always been a fan of silence but lately he just couldn't stand the quiet, it made him feel far too  **alone**. He opened his eyes when the music abruptly changed to talking, it was a commercial and he found himself frowning as they advertised some sort of new cooking product. Edward smirked, amused,

_'This is probably the housewives station, I'll bet they listen to this music and repetitive advertising all da-…'_

"When did we get a radio?"

The question was spoken over the talking and Edward would have started had it been silent in the room, but since there was –wonderful- noise to break the eeriness, he was only mildly surprised that he hadn't heard Alphonse wake up and make his way into the lounge. He turned around to face the younger blonde and his breath caught in his throat.

Alphonse was practically naked, just like he'd been the last time they'd been in bed together, the last time they'd been anywhere near one another sexually…Al had nothing but his well-fitting boxer briefs on, a white pair. All of his smooth planes of skin looked soft and warm in the daylight streaming in from the lounge window and his musculature was neglected but still visible and defined. He was thinner than Edward was comfortable with, but it wasn't sickly like it'd been when Al had first gotten sick from his incestuous feelings, he just looked too lean instead of properly fit. Edward could see his fine blonde arm and legs hairs since they caught the daylight and the reflection of light made them visible against his fair skin…all along his forearms, his lower legs and the very fine hair that trailed from his navel downwards into what Edward knew was a warm patch of natural dark blonde curls.

 _'Stop.'_  He cleared his throat quietly.

"Uh, I went out and got it this morning…" he swallowed slowly and after the seconds it took him to conjure up a vivid sexual image of Alphonse he made a point not to meet the half-naked younger blonde's eyes, "…Al, it's pretty cold outside, you should put some clothes on," his voice got just a bit hoarse and he folded his arms over his chest and turned around to face his brother without eye contact, "you haven't been well as it is." He added so the suggestion didn't sound as awkward as it felt to say aloud.

He wondered if his feelings and thoughts were transparent since Al was frowning at him looking slightly suspicious and  _annoyed_. It confused Edward, just the night before he'd been telling himself not to think of all the signs that suggested the Alphonse still wanted to be with him but now…with that look on his face, Ed thought maybe he was wrong.

 _'Or maybe since he's slept with Elizabeth, he's no longer interested in me.'_  He sighed quietly and watched as Al's lips curled downward slightly and his eyes drifted to the radio,

"Yeah, I will…what time is it?"

It sounded like a brush off and Edward raised his eyebrows, keeping his eyes on any point around Al instead of on him. He scratched his neck absently,

"Probably just after 12, you slept pretty late…" he answered Alphonse's question in a mumble and then went back to the safe questions, "…you feeling okay?"

Edward glanced at the large windows and he was aware that Alphonse was staring at him, it made him feel more uncomfortable, it felt like an accusing stare and he felt guilty because just a minute ago he'd been thinking of the last time he'd felt his brother up and had his hands in very personal places.

When Alphonse openly rolled his eyes it hurt Edward, the pain was physical, it made his throat clench up and he frowned as the younger blonde turned away from him with a growing air of annoyance,

"I'm going to put some clothes on." Alphonse drawled, his voice was plainly sarcastic and he walked out of sight into the hall. Edward absently let his eyes trail down from Alphonse's shoulders to the curve of his lower back before he caught himself looking and grimaced, averting his wandering eyes.

Edward sighed tiredly and glanced back to the radio, giving it an affectionate look but he was thinking of Alphonse, of the smile he'd received from his younger brother the night they'd gone to movies and all he could ask himself was 'what changed?'.

With a new tiredness in his legs he walked away from the radio toward the couch, but then he stopped and glanced at the hall,

 _'I have to keep trying, even if he's hostile, I can't let him keep putting so much distance between us.'_  He nodded to himself and turned to leave the lounge.

He headed into the hall and into the kitchen and once there he put the stove kettle on to boil and started to make a cup of tea for Alphonse. Lately he'd felt like it was the most he could do, making breakfasts and dinners because those duties used to fall on Al most of the time in the past, Edward usually just bought take out or put cereal out for Al's breakfasts, but recently he'd been trying a bit harder.

He kept trying but it was hard, it was hard to be a better man when he kept forgetting he was trying.

"You don't always have to make me tea Edward, I can do it myself." And when Alphonse talked to him in that voice that suggested he was fed up with Ed, it was even harder. He heard Alphonse enter the kitchen, his bare feet patting audibly as he came closer and then he came to stop next to Ed at the counter.

He tried very hard to keep the hurt off his face when he looked at Alphonse's irritated expression and he pushed the completed cup of tea toward Al across the counter,

"Um…sorry, Al." he mumbled tightly and then walked away, keeping his shaky exhale as soft as he could. Edward walked to the fridge, not acknowledging Al's belated thank you, he wanted something to drink and his mind quickly went to the unopened bottle of Vodka he had in one of the kitchen cupboards.

But it was early in the day and he knew, and hated that he knew, that drinking hard liquor as an immediate resort to anxiety and tension was not a good idea. He was grateful that he had a strong mental conviction and will power, or else he would probably have spiraled into alcohol abuse headlong for all of the shit that had happened in his life.

 _'I hope Al isn't addicted to those pills he takes…'_  he thought with a guilty burn in his gut as he opened the fridge and glanced over its contents. He overlooked the cans of soda and the cartons of juice and reached in to take one of the expensive beers he'd bought for Roy's visit.

He'd felt obligated to pick something up that morning when he'd gone out, he wasn't used to being a host to a guest but he wasn't clueless and he knew that since Mustang was bringing food it would be courteous to do something in turn for him, as far as he knew that's what friends did.

He had just taken the beer out and was about to close the door of the refrigerator when Al's clipped tone interrupted his confused thoughts about friends and how they behaved,

"Edward, it's pretty early in the day and its Sunday, don't you have work tomorrow…why are you drinking?"

Edward turned to look at him and took a second to notice how absolutely annoyed Alphonse looked and he realized that he was annoyed as well. He didn't see why his  _younger_  brother should give him a chastising look of disapproval, he was an adult and could drink whatever the fuck he wanted.

 _'Remember Edward, don't get angry, it won't do any good…both of us acting like children will only make this shit worse.'_  He told himself and let out a quiet breath when he shrugged,

"I'm not  _drinking_  Alphonse," he was glad he was able to keep the irritation out of his voice, "this is one beer and it's all I'm going to have." He added as he shut the door and sighed.

His shoulders were tense with frustration and the build up of unreleased anger, he'd been dealing with Alphonse's cold shoulder for a week now and unlike before they'd broken up, he found it wasn't as easy to ignore, especially since he hadn't done anything wrong. He was only trying to fix what was broken between them and all Alphonse seemed able to do was give him sad, scathing or unpleasantly thoughtful looks while ignoring him every other time, except for the night they'd gone to the movies.

He nearly shook his head in wonderment of what had changed but Alphonse spoke up, having turned to face him fully,

"You told me you don't like beer." He said the simple statement in an accusing tone and Edward frowned at him, feeling his own irritation scratching at the walls of his restraint. He looked directly at Alphonse,

"I bought it for Roy, he said he's coming by later today to talk about work and he's bringing food so I bought the beer he drinks." he said calmly and licked his lips, constantly reminding himself that he didn't want to have another ugly and pointless confrontation with Alphonse. The last time he'd sought a confrontation nothing particular useful had come out of it, except him learning that Al was officially dating Elizabeth and was comfortable with trying to rub that fact in Ed's face.

It was fucked up on so many levels and yet still, he didn't blame Alphonse, he never would. Like he was doing right then, he'd take Al's anger, he'd let his younger brother take out his frustration on him for as long as it was  _reasonable_  and only when it reached a point where it was just bullshit, would Edward put a stop to it. When it came to Alphonse he had almost endless patience, he could wait out anything if he had to, but waiting for his brother to get better and tolerating Al allowing his own emotional condition to deteriorate were two different things entirely.

At some point it would become far too unhealthy to go on the way they were, so for now Ed would continue to try to be the one who kept the peace, he would not start or get involved in any more fights. And hopefully Al would come around properly before it was too far gone to mend their relationship. He'd thought they'd made a breakthrough the other night but this setback was just that, a setback, and Edward was nothing if not efficient at improvising.

Efficient…not sufficient, but that was just the devil in the details of his life.

He was standing and waiting for Alphonse to speak because the younger blonde looked to be thinking about something, his once fair eyes were slightly darkened from lack of sleep and expressive of whatever turmoil was conflicting Alphonse right then and every day, he looked so unhappy it made Edward feel sick with worry.

Edward saw the tension set in Al's shoulders even before he spoke again, his tone was even more clipped and thoroughly unimpressed,

" **Roy** and beer and visits." He narrowed his eyes, his dislike when saying 'Roy' was blatant, "When exactly did you get so comfortable with Roy Mustang?" he asked a bit loudly.

Edward clenched his hand around the bottle he held and he narrowed one eye slightly as he regarded his younger sibling, Alphonse was so obviously jealous it was actually troubling. Edward didn't understand how after just coming home the night before from –he was guessing but he just  _knew_  he was right – **fucking**  Elizabeth, his girlfriend, Al could be standing there expressing jealousy over Ed having a friendship with Roy Mustang.

He knew he should have backed down and given some dismissive answer, but he decided not to. Still, he wasn't going to be antagonizing, he kept his voice even but made sure Al would know it was a question by tilting his head curiously,

"When exactly did it start to bother you so much?" he was genuinely curious to know.

He'd been confused on and off for the past week about whether Al was still interested in being with him or whether Alphonse was irritated with having him around and now he was faced with obvious upset from Al on the subject of Mustang. Edward knew from Gracia's party that Alphonse had drawn some of his own conclusions about what sort of 'relationship' Ed had with Mustang, and now seemed like a good time to find out just what Al actually thought was going on.

Alphonse seemed to swallow something he'd been about to say and it looked like it stuck in his throat, Edward realized Al was holding back whatever he wanted to say and he recognized it because he was constantly doing the same thing, restraining himself. He felt the longing right then to be able to just  _talk,_  he inhaled slowly and was about to ask Alphonse about his promise that they'd talk from the other night but Alphonse beat him to saying something first,

"Sorry…" it was completely insincere and Ed took the blow to his feelings silently with an unchanging expression even though it hurt on the inside, "…I shouldn't have said anything, you can see whoever you like," Ed cocked an eyebrow at those words, "it isn't my bu-…"

"See, as in seeing someone," he had to cut Al off, he had his answer, he knew what Al thought was going on now, "like dating?" he asked uselessly cause he knew what Al meant. But the subject unsettled him because it brought up the vivid memory of Mustang kissing him, "What are you talking about? I'm not  _seeing_  Mustang." He said quietly but surely, hoping to settle at least one problem between them and he shook his head slightly and turned to leave the kitchen.

He did hope that if Al stopped suspecting him of being with Mustang, the younger blonde would stop being so cold to him. It was unfair, obviously, that he should be treated that way for being in a potential relationship when Al was well and truly on his way to being completely moved on. Sleeping with someone else was pretty much the deciding factor…if it had happened.

But Edward wasn't the rebound sex type of guy, the only rebound he'd ever experienced was the alchemic one that had ruined their lives when they'd been children and since then he'd pretty much sworn off making any stupid mistakes that could backfire on him and affect Alphonse.

Like sleeping with someone just to curb a need for contact, comfort or spite because that was all a rebound really was, it was the experience of plummeting into a bad idea unbidden and then recovering from it and looking for ways to justify it when it was over. Although the jealous part of himself had whispered all through the night the disturbing suggestion of 'I should have slept with Mustang', simply because he'd had to face the probable fact that Al had slept with Elizabeth.

Spite was so petty and unfair to the external party. Edward didn't want to drag Roy into that and he hoped Alphonse sleeping with Elizabeth hadn't been done for that reason. He entered the lounge with a tired sigh just when he turned the cap off the beer bottle and heard the sound of Al's footsteps coming down the hall after him.

* * *

 _'This is a bad idea, this is not going to go well…'_  Edward thinned his lips as he walked beside Al through North Central Park toward to the back end of the park where their usual sparring spot was.

He didn't know why he'd agreed, the alarms went off in his head the moment Al had suggested they go out to the park and practice  _alchemy_  and he knew he should have just said  **no**. It had been the only right answer to the out of nowhere request from the younger blonde.

The worried, cautious part of his mind that wanted to defend and keep his secret about his alchemy hidden was suspicious about Al's motives for suggesting such a thing so suddenly. One minute they'd been sitting in the lounge listening to the sound of the new radio drowning out the usual oppressive silence and then the next Al had turned to him and suggested they go to the park and experiment with alchemy…like old times. But the part of him that hoped Alphonse was genuinely trying to reach out to him again, like the night of the movies, trying to make things right, trying to spend time together, the part of Ed that hoped Al just wanted to spend some brotherly time together had made him unable to just say no.

Especially when his guilt welled up over the secret of his alchemy that he was hiding from Al, he felt too awful to just blatantly deny Alphonse some one on one time together doing something they'd done all their lives as siblings. But since he couldn't do alchemy, he'd instead suggested sparring…and Al had agreed  _too easily_  with a small smile on his face. Edward had been able to see an underlying upset in the lines around his tired dark rimmed eyes but it had been too late by that point to take back his words, he'd already agreed to go out to the park, even though he strongly suspected that Al had a specific reason for wanting to go out and do 'alchemy' in the first place.

Presently they were almost to their sparring spot and Edward could feel the tension getting thicker in the air between them, even as they walked silently and didn't even look at each other.

 _'Maybe he wants to fight, physically, maybe it won't be such a bad thing._ ' He contemplated the chances that Alphonse would deck him the second they were in the small spar clearing and he considered whether he should fight back or just let Al take his frustration out once and for all.

Edward knew he was fully capable of taking a beating, especially if it'd resolve whatever hang ups Al had right then. He couldn't think of any other reason why Al would want to go out in public, if he'd wanted to talk then it would have definitely had to be in private, so a public park wouldn't make sense.

 _'Maybe this is really about alchemy, maybe he wants to show me something and he's hoping I'll have some input.'_  He raised an eyebrow and spared a glance to Al as they walked.

That possibility also made sense, it was like old times, when Al or Ed would come up with something new and show it to each other, seeking improvement or opinion on the discovery in their most loved field of science. Edward decided then that he could still help and give an opinion, he didn't actually have to do anything himself. He expected it would piss Al off, he'd noticed many times in the past months that Al got really confused or annoyed whenever he refused to use alchemy, but he would take that anger too.

He couldn't tell Al yet, aside from not being ready to face it himself, Edward knew the younger blonde would only feel worse when he found out the truth about Ed's alchemy. He knew he wanted to tell Al one day, just not any time too soon. As it was Al was looking thinner again, paler and sleep deprived, he didn't want to make that worse. Some of his reasons were selfish but most of them, as with everything in his life, were about protecting Al's feelings and wellbeing.

They reached the path to the clearing and he let Alphonse walk ahead, it was quiet and empty in the park, aside from the rustle of trees from the cold wind and a few bird squawks it seemed a bit ominous. Edward thought it was fitting, he had a bad feeling about agreeing to come out there with Alphonse and the weather seemed to reflect that.

He stopped walking once they'd entered the clearing and he glanced at Al who was standing with his hands in his pockets, like Ed himself, and the older blonde flinched slightly when a particularly chilly wind swept up and flicked his bangs across his face. His skin pimpled with goosebumps and he wished he'd worn a jacket, but the apartment had been relatively warm so he hadn't realized the weather was so dull and cold until they'd been outside. He spared a thought for his automail, but he noticed he couldn't feel any pain yet, he was still warm at his core but it wouldn't be long before the metal started sucking up the warmth he generated naturally and the ache would start.

He hadn't had any automail pain since winter and he felt some concerned dread fill him at the thought of the painful throb that came with cold weather and automail, when it got bad enough it would feel like someone was trying to cut off his leg with a blunt bone saw. He grimaced to himself, he doubted it would get that bad, the last time his automail had hurt that badly had been when he was in the North many years ago and the weather had been below zero. Central never got that cold, but still, he didn't want to have unnecessary pain on top of everything else, so he looked at Al again and seeing that the younger blonde wasn't about to say anything, Ed decided to speed things along so they could get this over with and head home.

"You didn't really want to spar…I know that, so how about I just uh…" he spoke up when Al finally looked at him and he offered a small smile because Alphonse frowned slightly at his words, "…sit here and you can try out whatever you had in mind. I'm sure you have some awesome new techniques to show off since we last practiced alchemy together." He finished off as he walked over to the fountain that was in the clearing and sat on the stone brim.

The sound of the water behind him filled the quiet as Alphonse stared at him, frowning and looking unimpressed at his suggestion and obvious avoidance to do alchemy himself. Edward wiggled his automail toes in his boot and stretched his leg out, knowing that it was best to keep pressure off it in cold weather and since his goosebumps hadn't gone away Ed knew he was probably losing body heat little by little every second.

 _'Really should have worn a jacket…'_  he complained to himself.

"Why don't we practice alchemy together anymore?" Alphonse asked evenly and Edward looked at him from where he'd been staring at his clasped hands, he was leaning his elbows on his knees. He watched as Al walked a bit closer but he looked away and couldn't help frowning and thinking 'I knew it' because he'd suspected that this little outing would end badly,

"You know I don't use alchemy anymore." He gave his usual answer, the one that always upset Alphonse,

"But  _why?_ " Alphonse asked without missing a beat and his tone was the only warning Edward got from the younger blonde that something about this particular alchemy confrontation was different.

There was a weight in Alphonse's tone, a graveness that Edward hadn't heard before…a threat.

Edward clenched his jaw, wondering what was the best way to approach this situation, again he thought maybe he should just let Al get mad enough for them to start fighting and then he'd just let Alphonse take out all his anger. For Edward it was the easiest solution, he dealt better with pain than he did with emotions, which was why he'd managed to stay in the North so long without ever letting Al know that his automail had ached like a motherfucker every second, so badly that it was hard to stay upright sometimes. But he'd hid it from Al because it had been easier to grin and bear the pain than it would have been to hear Al's concerned voice echo from inside that cold, empty suit of armor every time the younger blonde wanted to know if Ed was okay or if he wanted to be  _carried_.

He would have smiled at the memories of Al wanting to carry him, it was sometimes still a bit of a shocking contrast to look at his pale, thin brother in comparison to that huge, ever strong armor. But didn't smile, he was too busy trying to ignore the anxiety crawling up his throat underneath the goosebumps still risen all over his flesh.

"I don't want to, okay." Ed said firmly, not in the mood to get into this argument with an ever worsening mood and tension in his quickly cooling muscles, "It's my choice, can't you just deal with it?" he asked as an afterthought, noticing how clipped his tone was but not bothering to apologize for it since Al was giving him a dirty, _hostile_  look.

Ed's stomach clenched and flipped over unpleasantly at seeing that look directed at him,

"Tell me the  **truth**." Alphonse said slowly, as though he were talking to a stubborn simpleton.

Edward stared right back at his condescending younger sibling with a cool but steady gaze, even though his insides were starting to knot up, Edward had always been good at staying calm on the exterior. Although usually he wasn't torn up emotionally on the inside, but where Alphonse was concerned, it was an unchanging situation for a long time now,

"That is the truth." Edward said back loudly and slowly, just the way Al had spoken to him except with less tension and no threat in his tone.

This particular confrontation was different to Al's previous more polite or worried enquiries into his alchemy. Edward got the distinct feeling he should be on guard because Alphonse was starting to look angrier and that combined with the hostile expression, physical stance and his threatening tone, Ed knew he should be prepared to get punched in the face or kicked in the stomach. So he relaxed and resigned himself to the possibility of an attack, he'd let Al beat on him, he deserved it anyway.

 _'I think he's reached his limit, he looks like he really wants a proper answer this time and I wish I could give it to him.'_  Edward thought sadly to himself.

"Stop lying to me, just tell me  _why_." Alphonse said through clenched teeth, his tone low and his question oddly ambiguous considering that he was accusing Edward of  _lying_. Edward wondered if Alphonse knew something and he narrowed his eyes slightly, thinking of the chances that Al had figured him out.

 _'Does he know? Is he just expecting me to confess now that he knows the truth, why is he calling me a liar, how does he know I'm lying?'_  Edward huffed loudly, realizing this was most definitely not a conversation to be having in a public place.

He moved to stand up, prepared to tell Alphonse that if he wanted to talk, they should be doing it at home…but then something happened .

Edward tensed up when Al clapped his hands sharply and loudly together, his face a picture of hurt and anger as he dropped to a crouch and his hands touched the ground. Ed's mind told him in a quick flash of comprehension that Al was using alchemy and he registered it with a small scowl that Al was using alchemy to attack him instead of his fists.

It hurt Edward in the brief second it took for blue arcs of light to shoot along the ground in his direction, that he had no means to defend himself against getting hit by an alchemic attack and he hoped with a dull panic in his deepest subconscious that Al would use a blunt attack and not something that would hospitalize him.

However, in the seconds his guard was down and he was sure he was about to get hit painfully by some sort of rock structure that would leave ugly bruises and cuts to add to the rest he had…

…Edward had not for a second considered the possibility that Alphonse might be doing anything else.

So when the stone beneath his butt dipped rigidly and he was tilted slightly off balance where he sat, Edward was too late to do anything about the stone deconstructing from beneath him to reconstruct around his arms and torso in quick, surely calculated alchemic movements. But once he did realize what was happening he felt a sharper rush of panic, followed by anger that he'd been restraining within himself all week. Because as the fingers of the stone hand Alphonse was transmuting formed painfully tight around his shoulders and ribs, squashing his arms to his body and his shoulders into an uncomfortable forward hunched position, Edward realized he was being  _trapped_  by Al.

"Alphonse, what the fuck are you doing?!" he shouted without thinking, eyes focused on the ground as it was distanced from his feet when he was lifted into the air by the tight stone hand, the noise of the reconstruction seemed loud and disturbing in his quiet anger and confusion. Alphonse didn't say anything even as he raised his hands off the ground and let the last of the alchemic energy dissipate into the air.

When the stone shifting and crackling of energy finally stopped and silence filled the clearing Edward became aware of his own loud breathing and his heart thudding loudly in his ears. He didn't know why, but he felt ridiculously angry and  _stressed_  at being restrained in an alchemized stone hand…that he couldn't undo.

It wasn't a rope he could use his physical strength to wiggle out of or break, it wasn't handcuffs where he could dislocate his thumbs to get out of them. He had no freedom of movement, his feet were not touching the ground, his ribs hurt and the stone's sharp edges were pressing into his cold flesh tightly and it was  _worse_  because he had an automail leg. It was heavy and it was  _weighing_  him down, making it hard to keep the pressure off his ribs and arms from the stone hand. He raised his eyes from the gray stone around him to look at his younger brother below and a few feet away. Ed ignored all the pain because really it was nothing in comparison to some of the pain he'd felt in his lifetime…except for the fact that this pain was being caused by Alphonse and he took deep breaths to calm his panic.

His mind worked quickly as he watched Alphonse dust his hands off, he looked pleased with himself underneath his scowl and that pissed Edward off far more than it should have considering he didn't think himself to be in any sort of danger. Al was not an enemy, he was just a younger sibling throwing a tantrum, so Ed didn't like that the situation made him so furious.

 _'It's because I don't have alchemy, I'm defenseless, fucking useless…I **can't** …I can't get out of this.'_ The last words in his mind only fuelled his anger as his ire demanded that he  **did not**  want to be in that situation. He clenched his teeth and lifted his left leg slightly, testing the weight because he knew that the small twinge of pain starting there would only get worse the longer he was suspended in the air and getting colder.

His automail was heavy and was held in by a port which was  _drilled_  into his femur, securely connected, so there was absolutely no way it was coming out…but that didn't mean it wouldn't start to hurt like hell after a while of having that heaviness completely unsupported and weighing down on his pelvis and spine. His anger reached a point where he had to say something, he was furious by now, wondering just how fucking clueless and cruel Alphonse could be to ignore the physical circumstances of what he was doing.

He knew his younger brother wasn't stupid, surely Alphonse realized that the cold weather and the weight of the automail were all making this much worse, especially if he knew Ed didn't have alchemy, why was he being so harsh, just to make a point? Edward clenched his fists and stopped his wriggling when he felt the skin stretch painfully on his upper arms, he knew if he continued to struggle the bruising would turn to surface cuts.

So he stilled and tensed his body, using his body muscles to try and support as much of his left leg's weight as he could and he focused his gaze of Alphonse,

"What are you doing?" he asked lowly and Edward wasn't surprised how threatening his own tone sounded, "Put me  **down**  Alphonse." His anger was at a bad point and if he was able to he probably would have blasted the fucking stone hand to pieces and would have put some serious distance between himself and his sibling, who he honestly wasn't sure he recognized anymore.

Alphonse shook his head, face set in a deep frown and his eyes accusing,

"No I-…"

"Put me the fuck down now, Alphonse!" Edward couldn't control it, the demand was out of his mouth before he could stop it. He  **hated**  being strung up like some helpless doll, it was poking at old wounds, tearing open the rips in his pride and digging into the hollow pit in his guts that was his lack of alchemy, making him feel stressed and miserable and furious and hurt…and pathetic, he felt so pathetic.

He watched as Alphonse flinched back at his harsh tone and words but then he saw the stubborn set of his younger brother's jaw lock again and Alphonse glared up at him,

"No." he stated firmly and Edward's anger surged for a second and he glared right back, wanting to tell Alphonse what a bastard he was being for doing this to him, but he couldn't because –dammit- he would not tell Al that he had no alchemy.

 _'That's exactly what he wants, a confession…and it won't do either of us any good especially if it's admitted under these circumstances. There's too much anger, I'm too angry, I need to calm down…and so does he.'_  Edward reasoned with himself and clenched his jaw as a dull throb of pain moved through his left leg.

The first of what would be many more.

"You get yourself down, use your alchemy or give me a  **damn good**  reason why you don't want to and then I'll free you." Alphonse told him after a moment of steady glaring, his voice was very slightly shaken, letting Edward know he was right about Al also running high on all the wrong emotions.

He really just wished he'd said no to leaving the apartment, he'd had a bad feeling about coming out to the park and now he knew he'd been right. Alphonse had seemed strangely upset, it had been a different mood that morning in the kitchen…he should have known something was wrong, something unusual.

 _'So he figured out I've been lying to him about my alchemy, that's why he's so angry.'_  Edward wiggled his automail toes as another throb at his port made him grimace slightly.

"Your hands are close enough together…come on, you're pissed off at me right?" Alphonse spoke up again, by the pitch of his voice Edward assumed he didn't appreciate the silence from the older blonde. But Ed didn't have anything to say, he wasn't about to confess, if Al knew, he'd just have to say so.

Edward saw no reason to be cooperative after the stunt Al pulled with trapping him, he was too angry to speak nicely anyway and he was taking very deep breaths and reminding himself not to argue, not to fight in order to calm himself down,

 _'It's my fault anyway, he has a right to be angry at me for lying to him.'_  That admission of guilt went a long way to taking the heat out of his anger and Edward swallowed sorely and felt chilled when the wind hit him again. He was sincerely cold now, colder than he would have been if he didn't have an aching chunk of metal fixed into his body and if his emotions weren't moving into the more depressing sort…he could feel himself start to wilt.

There was a lump in his throat now and the feeling of being pathetic only made it worse,

"You need to get down if you want to hit me or something." Alphonse said in a smartass tone and Edward was hurt by those words.

He looked at Alphonse, seeing the expectant and still dirty look he was receiving and Edward wondered when he'd ever given Alphonse the impression he wanted to hurt him physically. Even if he did want to hit someone right then, it wasn't Alphonse. He would never  _want_  to inflict pain on Alphonse.

 _'But I have, he knows I've been lying to him. I'd be hurting too if I found out he'd lied to me.'_  His guilt wrenched through him at the same time as his leg and stomach ached and Edward felt his resolve weaken. Physical pain was worse when it was mixed with emotional pain…shit.

Alphonse huffed loudly and raised his arms,

"So go ahead, get yourself down with your  **alchemy**." He said loudly and Edward averted his gaze, not able to meet the accusing stare of his younger brother anymore.

Edward raised his legs again, trying to take some of the weight off his left leg and he felt the strain on his muscles all the way into his chest and along his spine before he dropped his legs again and grimaced,

"Fuck, Alphonse…I…" he shook his head, he'd nearly said 'I'm in pain' but saying that would be unfair.

This was obviously something important to Al, Edward didn't want to undermine it with a guilt trip, saying he was in pain would definitely get him down. Alphonse didn't seem to be thinking of anything besides his anger at being lied to and Ed could tell he had a specific vendetta right then, the younger blonde had not considered anything outside the factors of his plan and Edward was pretty damn sure Al had no idea that he was hurting.

It was a one track fury in Al's eyes, he wanted an answer, he wanted a confession, he wanted Edward to admit he'd lied and apologize and even though Ed knew he should, he wouldn't…because Al wouldn't feel any better for it once he knew the truth.

The truth was a bitch.

He steeled himself to the slowly increasing consistency of throbbing pain moving through the left side of his body from his waist down into toes he didn't even have and decided to just be still and wait it out. Alphonse had to let him down eventually,

"Do you need more incentive to tell me the truth? How about we try sharing since we don't talk any more, you said so yourself, so we should be more honest about what's going on in our  **normal**  lives." Alphonse said in a mocking tone and Edward looked at him through his bangs when the wind blew them across his face again.

He felt new dread start to seep into his cold body, he didn't like that ugly tone of voice, it wasn't Alphonse. The angry, betrayed, unhappy young man standing and glaring up at him spitefully…it wasn't his little brother…it wasn't Alphonse Elric.

 _'What the fuck have I done to you?'_  Edward thought miserably and licked his lips, bringing a few strands of hair into his mouth since the wind was picking up and continued to sting his bangs across his face,

"What the fuck, Alph-…" he decided to say just after a particularly sharp pain shot into his thigh but Al cut him off, talking over him like he hadn't said anything,

"I'll start then." His tone had a constant sarcasm to it and Edward swallowed thickly as his internal pain started to amplify the ache in his left side, "I know you want to keep lying about your alchemy, so let's talk about something else you've been lying about," Ed tensed up and he kept his eyes on Al as the younger blonde crossed his arms over his chest smartly, "…are you sleeping with Roy Mustang?" Al sounded plainly disgusted.

Edward couldn't even feel angry at the second round of questioning about Roy Mustang, a follow up to what had started in their kitchen about an hour earlier. He just felt irritated, sore and tired at having to answer the question again, even if it was a more specific question. Apparently Al thought he was doing more than just 'seeing' Roy,

" **No**." he made sure he said it a surely as he could while ignoring the pain burning around his port and in his thigh.

Alphonse gave him a long stare, but he didn't look at all like he believed Edward and the older blonde just frowned down at him as Al shook his head and gave him a small, unpleasant smile,

"You don't have to try and spare my feelings…I might be  **really**  grossed out because he's so  **old** ," he pulled his face to show how 'grossed out' he was and Ed just blinked down at him with a deep frown, "and yes, I'm jealous but you said we should move on and that means I couldn't hold it against you if you were, so you can tell me, just be  **honest**." He insisted and gave Edward another expectant look.

Edward supposed that Al being grossed out wasn't surprising, Roy was older than him, being a year short of exactly twice his age, he expected a lot of people would find it kind of 'gross'. But Ed didn't, Roy Mustang was a good looking man and he didn't feel bad for finding the older man attractive, however strange it was. But more importantly, he didn't care what Al thought about Mustang because that wasn't Ed's problem, he didn't care whether Roy was gross or not, he wasn't sleeping with the man and he didn't know why Al thought he'd lie about it,

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he snapped, "I'm  **not**  sleeping with Mustang, Alphonse for fucks sakes," he shook his head when Alphonse looked like he still didn't believe him, "I'm not sleeping with anyone! How many times do I have to say it?!" he yelled that time, letting Al see just how pissed off the stupid repetition of the question was making him.

"Until you tell me the fucking truth!" Alphonse shouted back and Edward growled,

"It  **is** the fucking truth!" and his loud yell unsettled the silence enough that Alphonse paused and looked around, blinking as though he was just coming back from whatever plane of accusation he'd been on.

But the intent didn't leave his eyes and he suddenly looked calmer,

"I heard you on the phone with Mustang yesterday, Edward." He said quickly and Edward felt his breath stop in his chest, "I was at the phone booths and I  _heard_  you talk about what a mistake something was and you said that it shouldn't have happened and then you insisted you weren't  _blushing_  but I think you might have been because you sounded flustered! So what else could it be? If you're not involved with him like  **that**  then what were you two talking about?"

Edward took in a few quick belated breaths as he processed the information,

"Y-you heard my….my conversation…with Mustang yesterday, you…" he tried to remember his entire conversation, they'd talked about the military and yes, Roy had been flirtatious but that wasn't important to Edward,

 _'Shit, that's how he found out about my alchemy?'_  he frowned and looked down at Alphonse with a deep frown,

"…it wasn't…it's not, dammit, Al…"  _'It doesn't make sense, I didn't say anything that would have given away that I don't have alchemy anymore.'_  He closed his mouth before he said anything else and retraced the conversation he'd had through his mind to confirm that he hadn't said anything to give away his secret.

Confirming that quickly in his head, Edward had no idea how Al could have found out,

 _'Even if he'd managed to see anything in my safe, it wouldn't have given away that I can't use alchemy.'_  He was calming down quickly as it dawned on him that something wasn't right here.

"It wasn't what Edward? Yes I heard your conversation, I heard you flirting and it made me nauseous but no matter what you should still be able to talk to me, you should be able to be honest with me." Alphonse went on angrily but Edward was only half listening, because he was getting angry at the only person who knew about his lack of alchemy and if Al knew, then Mustang was the  **only**  person who could have told him.

Alphonse stepped closer and Edward looked down at him, all pain dulled in light of his new growing anger,

"After all, we're brothers and it's normal for us to share things about our lives, for instance..." Alphonse paused and he looked like he had just bitten into something very bitter, "…last night I slept with Elizabeth and as my brother I feel I should be able to talk to you about it, like we always used to, we used to confide in one another."

 _'Ah, **fuck, fuck** …' _Edward closed his eyes, he couldn't look at Alphonse right then. Some part of him had obviously been in denial about whether Al had actually slept with her since hearing that admission hurt really badly. But now he knew for sure and he felt oddly like he'd been cheated on,  _'…don't be stupid, just let it go, she's his girlfriend and he can fuck her all he wants to._ ' His stomach turned at the thought and when he glanced down at Al again he still had that expectant look on his face.

He decided he had to say something, because that look was starting to get to him, break him down,

"I kn-know already, okay?" he watched as a flash of guilt crossed Al's face, "I figured that out for my-self when I l-looked at you last night…" he admitted and then went back to reassuring his jealous brother, "…but I'm not lying to you, I'm  _not_  sleeping with Mustang."

Edward just wanted this to be over.

He didn't owe Alphonse an explanation, but he would give one anyway. As his temper once again deflated he tried to hide a grimace as sharp pains throbbed hot and sore through his thigh. His leg felt very heavy and the stone of hand was digging sharply into his arms and sides. All the pain was coming back to him since the tension was seeping away but at least Alphonse looked like he finally believed Edward.

Alphonse looked like he was shaking and Edward doubted it was from the cold chilling his own skin and making his jeans feel damp against his legs,

"Fine…" Alphonse sniffed and rubbed a hand over his nose and mouth, he swallowed thickly and looked up at Edward with a subtle nod, "…but why have you been lying about your alchemy?"

Ed inwardly groaned as he tried to lift his left leg to ease the ache again but it was too heavy and he felt too weak and tired by that point. His emotions were starting to get the better of him and he was going to ask Al to let him down but the younger blonde started talking again, voice stressed and his face a picture of hurt and indictment,

"Why have you been telling me you don't want to use it, why have you been shutting me out when you're doing amazing work, publishable work and you're sharing it with  _Mustang_? Edward…how can you do that to me?" he asked with desperation in his tone, "How could you lie about something so important?"

Edward frowned as he processed the words and Alphonse just went on,

"How could you have lied to me about it  **all**  these years, why don't you want me to share alchemy with you anymore? Our entire lives alchemy has been so important to us both but yet…" his voice was shaking, he sounded like he was on the verge of crying, "…yet you've been keeping it from me for so long. Do you h-have  _any_  idea how much it h-hurt to find out you've been lying to me for so long, lying to me to my  **face**  over and over again?"

His words were true…but not in the way Edward had thought. Yes, he'd been lying, but Alphonse didn't know his secret, Alphonse had the entirely wrong idea of exactly  _what_ Ed was hiding about his alchemy.

He felt relieved but guilty at the same time, relieved because Al just thought he'd been lying and wasn't blaming himself for anything, unlike how he'd feel if he knew the truth. But he felt guilty because it was still a secret and eventually Al would find out the truth and what then?

Would it be worse than all this? Would anything ever be worse than all this?

Alphonse was once again waiting for an answer and Edward finally felt calm enough to try and get a handle on the situation again, he grimaced as his weight shifted slightly and the stone cut into him,

"Alphonse, let me down…let's go home and we'll talk, I'll tell yo-…"

"No you  **won't**." Alphonse cut him off, his voice wasn't cold anymore instead it was thick with emotion and disappointment, but firm with resolve.

Edward's eyes widened a bit when Alphonse shook his head,

"No," he said again as if to be sure of his decision, "you won't tell me if I let you down. You'll just keep lying to me, I don't know w-why, but you will." He was shaking his head.

Ed licked his dry lips and opened his mouth to reassure Alphonse that they would talk, but he felt even guiltier because Al was right, Edward wouldn't tell him the truth as long as he could avoid it, as long as he wasn't ready to jeopardize what was left of their relationship, the state of it was too bad.

But then Al turned to walk away, sniffing and taking steady strides in the direction of the path and Edward felt panic well up inside him at the sight of Al's retreating back.

_'Wait…is he lea-….'_

"Alphonse, hey! What the fu- Alphonse where the fuck are you going?" he yelled out, not caring that he sounded higher in pitch and frantic.

He was worried, he'd been sure this would end when Alphonse gave up on this interrogation and would let him down but now Al was walking away and all over again, just like when Al had first transmuted the stone hand, his pathetic, helpless disposition returned full force and shook the breath in his lungs.

Alphonse turned around but he kept walking backwards toward the path,

"I'm going home," he announced, "when you're finally ready to stop  **lying**  to me you'll get yourself down and come home and then we'll  _talk_." He said seriously, voice still shaking and expression still hurt.

Edward blinked several times and his breathing sped up,

 _'He's leaving me here?'_  he started wriggling again which was a bad idea because he felt the stone cutting into him the more he moved, his skin was slowly giving into the press of the stone and he was positive he'd have the marks to show for this.

"Alphonse…Al wait…you  **can't** …Al, Alphonse!" he shouted in a panic as he watched Al disappear out of sight into the path.

Alphonse was  **leaving,** he was gone, out of sight and Edward would not be able to get himself down! And his automail hurt and his ribs hurt and he felt worried…disgustingly weak and pathetic and hurt, he was hurting inside because he didn't understand why Alphonse would do something like that to him, why would Al leave him?

Alchemy or not, why would Al…

Edward moved his fingers, uncurling them from the fisted clench they'd been in since the beginning of their confrontation. He wiggled his fingers, taking note of how close his hands were together, close enough to clap and yet perfectly useless,

"He thinks I can get myself down…that's why he left me here." He blinked a few times as his eyes burned, "Alphonse…Al, please don't hate me." He whispered to himself and grimaced as more pain shot through his leg, spreading into his pelvis.

Minutes passed and Edward could only listen to the quickening wind, his shaken breathing and the trees rustling. He could feel blood throb in his fingers, neck and his right leg and the ache of consistent slowly worsening pain in his left leg, the sting in his arms and ribs from the cut of the stone, the pain in his neck and his shoulders from being squashed together…he kept trying to tense up to alleviate the weight, trying to lift his leg as often as he could but it was hard without leverage.

He wasn't even thinking of a way to get free, there was no way out, not without  _severely_  hurting himself to get out of the stone hand's clutch. Besides, Alphonse had left him there –a fact that made the whole situation so much worse-, not an enemy who wanted him dead, just his younger brother who obviously thought he deserved to be left there, alone and in pain, because he was a liar, he'd been lying about a lot of things.

His alchemy was the biggest and longest standing lie, his kiss with Mustang was an omitted truth, simply because Al hadn't asked whether he'd kissed Roy. If Al had heard the entire conversation with Roy then he probably knew about the fact that Ed was reconsidering joining the military and had been hiding it, he'd also know about the magazine publication. Ed wasn't sure but it was possible Al knew about the safe full of alchemical arrays and calculations…

…but the worst secret Ed could think of was one that could have saved both of them all the pain and drama that made all the other secrets and lies that much worse.

Edward swallowed sorely and grunted quietly as he slipped a bit further into the stone hand, the edges pressed into his aching cold and sore skin and he shivered as an especially chilly wind passed over him…and with it came a few drops of rain.

His breathing sped up, emotions running high,

 _'I love you, I'm in love with you, what the fuck is wrong with me…I don't know if telling you that would have made you happy, if it would have changed anything, I just want you to be happy. I'm not lying to hurt you Alphonse.'_  He explained it to himself uselessly and he closed his eyes when the sound of rain hitting the tree tops around him was all the warning he got before the rain drops started to pelt his hair and face, gently at first, and cold.

His breathing got louder and he opened his eyes, blinking a few times when the water hit his eyelids before he dipped his head so the rain would stop hitting directly on his face. He clenched his teeth as the rain started to fall heavier, it got louder and thunder rumbled in the distance, the gray sky slowly got darker and Edward shivered and clenched his fists.

Edward had already been cold and within minutes of the steady rain, he was soaked through and slipping further into the cutting stone of the hand the more wet his shirt got. He was just glad he had worn a long sleeve, it didn't do anything to keep in the warmth but it did put a layer between his skin and the stone of the hand.

Lightning sounded somewhere nearer and Edward flinched, he was in an open clearing and the rain continued to fall harder, he was soaked and getting colder by the second and trying desperately to ignore the hot burning ache and sharp pains shooting along his left leg and settling all around his automail port in severe throbs. The clinging wet jeans didn't help at all since it served to make the heavy metal colder which just made Ed more miserable.

It was when his teeth started to chatter some minutes later, his hair was matted to face and head, his clothes stuck cold and heavy to his skin, he was shivering cold and the pain in his leg was starting to give him a headache that his shoulders started to shake slightly and he blinked tears out of his eyes.

Edward gave into the desperate unfamiliar  **need**  to cry,

 _'I can't help myself, fucking useless…'_  he gritted his teeth so hard his jaw hurt and his fingers twitched.

More lightning and thunder sounded and Edward's soft sobs were drowned out in the noise of the weather. The pain was moving steadily into his waist, lower spine and stomach now, mixed with the cold wind and the water soaking his skin he was starting to feel queasy, like he was going to throw up. He swallowed several times to stop the rushes of saliva to his mouth and leaned his head back, the pain in his head was getting worse…the cold always affected him badly.

It was worse than heat because heat made the automail hot to touch and made his stump swell and feel sensitive around the metal port, but in the cold, it was a complete bodily ache that drained every feeling but pain out of him. When the rain pelting his face became too much and water slipped into his nose, he quickly leaned his head down again. He sputtered and coughed, he could feel the water run off his hair and over his face in fast streams. It was pouring and his teeth were chattering loudly, he was starting to burn all over and he knew it was the temperature of his body dropping terribly low,

"Ah fuck…" he tried to move his legs, he knew he needed to get some sort of movement, it would generate some heat in his body but the automail was heavy and it hurt to move his leg so he gave up after a few tries.

He laughed bitterly through his soft sobs, thinking of the fact that in the past, in the North and whenever else he'd had trouble with heat and cold and his automail he'd been able to do something about it, he'd had his alchemy in most cases but in others he'd had mobility.

But right then he was stuck and he had no means of freeing himself.

He shivered violently when the wind came up harshly and slapped the rain into his body and face and he let out a tired shaken breath, teeth chattering harshly and swallowed a few times as he felt nauseous again. He clenched his teeth as a sharp pain vaulted through him and lingered, aching worse than all the rest before it. He felt like he'd been stabbed in the leg, his femur was hurting from the weight of the metal attached to it.

"Fuck…Alphonse…." He glanced uselessly to the path, he couldn't even see it through the rain and it made more tears stream down his face, he hated feeling and being so pathetic but there was nothing else he could do.

His teeth clacked loudly when he unclenched them, he once again wiggled his fingers and in a moment of desperate, hopeful foolishness, Edward clapped his hands together…

…and when nothing happened, besides more pain and cold running through the length of his body, Edward sobbed louder and hung his head.

He didn't regret giving up his alchemy, but it certainly hurt to think that he'd done it all to end up with a brother who hated him and didn't understand –didn't know the truth- that if Edward stayed in the cold rain much longer, he was likely to pass out and from there things would only go downhill…

* * *

  
_Bite your lips, your words a robbery_   
_Do you grin inside? You're killing me..._   


* * *

He didn't know how much time had passed but he was still struggling to remain conscious, especially as the pain increased and spread throughout every inch of his body. The ache in his leg was severe and constant, no longer throbbing, it was now stabbing pains from his port into his upper body, specifically into his ribs and chest and everytime he inhaled it felt like his chest was on fire. He was breathing shortly and haltingly because of it and he'd been shivering violently non stop which also made it hard to catch his breath. He was in so much pain it made it hard to think and a few times he'd heard himself groan and whimper involuntarily.

He wished he'd go numb, he wished the chiling rain would just  **stop**  so he could fucking think straight! But it showed no signs of letting up, the cold wind continued to thrash stinging heavy drops of rain water against him and he was wheezing through his bluish lips, trying to keep his sluggish mind working so he could stay awake…he was so disoriented that when he heard a sharp clap through the deafening sound of the heavy rain around him, he didn't immediately register what it was.

He opened his eyes slowly, there was blackness threatening the edges of his vision when he did so but he quickly shut them again when the intense, cutting pressure around his body receded quickly, instantly allowing more air into lungs in a rush and he groaned quietly as he dropped to the ground.

"Fuck." Edward breathed out harshly when his feet hit the ground and he fell forward to his knees, clenching his teeth and shivering anew as he was wracked with pain from the impact of his automail and numb flesh foot hitting the muddy ground. The impact jarred his port and sent _sharp_  trills of pain right into his bones, so harsh that it resonated through his pelvis and right up through his stiff spine into his skull…and the pain was enough to blur his vision when he tried to open his eyes again.

He was aware that someone had freed him, he thought he heard a voice but the rain was too heavy and he was disoriented from the severe cold in his body so he wasn't sure of anything around him. What he was sure of was that he was clutching the muddy ground and he couldn't breathe through his blocked up nose and he was barely able to stand the pain behind his eyes and in his leg and back.

He was just comprehending that he was on his knees when he felt something settle on his shoulders and then there were two  _warm_  hands on his shoulders, but the warmth was sucked up by his cold body almost instantly. Still, there was someone there, someone warm and Edward just wanted to sink into warmth right then.

He pushed himself back so he was sitting back on his legs, it would have been harder to move if it wasn't for a hand on his shoulder and around his middle helping him sit back.

"Edward, are you okay?  **Look**  at me Ed…" a familiar voice –Roy?- spoke worriedly near his ear and his breath was hot compared to the iced cold burn over every inch of Ed's skin.

 _'Roy?'_  he frowned, wondering why he was there, how he'd known where to find him.

But then it all rushed through his foggy mind as his teeth chattered loudly and made his headache worse. Alphonse must have gone home, and Roy would have come over…and somehow they'd ended up here?

His jaw felt stiff and sore but he couldn't stop his teeth from clacking together and he couldn't feel anything except pain, his limbs seemed lost in the downpour and the only map he had of his body was the ache spiking throughout his skeleton.

He opened his eyes again and turned his head to look at the person projecting the warmth now pressed against his shoulder. It took a few blinks to see the face staring at him, full of concern, but Ed didn't need his vision to clear up completely to identify that he was right, the person had black hair and fair skin, it was definitely Roy.

He tried to say something but he just ended up choking on the ache in his throat, so he licked his lips and he looked away from Roy and around the rest of the clearing.

There, through the rain was a somewhat clear outline of a blonde a few meters away and after blinking a few times –he was sure more tears left his eyes as he realized it was Alphonse- he watched as the blonde came closer, skidding in the wet grass and mud a bit before he reached Ed's side.

Edward continued to shiver when two lukewarm hands settled on him and Alphonse's voice was in his ear and his breath was just as warm as Roy's as the younger blonde apologized. His voice was desperate with worry and apology. That tone of voice affected Edward, it hurt to hear so much shame and misery in Al's voice but his head was still foggy so he couldn't react, he was numb on the outside and hot and sore in his bones, he couldn't differentiate between the pains anymore and speaking seemed impossible.

He just wanted to be  **warm** and  **dry**.

"We have to get out of the rain, he's ice cold…" that was Mustang's voice, he spoke over Al's apologies and then the baritone trailed off into the rain. Edward felt the now cold hands clutching him on either side pick him up, helping him to stand but causing more pain to the cold bruises and slight cuts on his arms, but it was a small pain in comparison to how painful it was to stand on his automail leg.

 _'Fuck, ugh, it hasn't been this bad in years.'_  He thought miserably as Alphonse and Roy supported his weight either side of him and they stepped forward together, leaving Ed to quickly step as well. Edward kept his head down because the rain was still falling heavily and he clenched his chattering teeth on the first step with his left leg.

It hurt like a motherfucker to put pressure on it and Edward knew he'd do well to allow Alphonse, who was on his left side, to help support him as he walked but after everything that had happened, after spending his time shivering and crying in the rain and being over all pathetic, Ed didn't want to rely on anyone to hold him up.

He had to try to piece his pride back together or he'd only feel worse and the last thing he needed was to get depressed on top of  _everything_  else. His alchemy was gone and that was that, he had to live his life and continue to deal with it. Edward knew he had to stay strong, his mind was somewhat clearer now that he was moving again, the stiffness was still in his bones and the pain was ridiculous but it would pass once he got warm again.

With that determination in mind he shrugged Roy and Alphonse off and took a step forward on his own, and it hurt, but everything hurt, so he walked –limping heavily- ahead of them.

He was glad that in all the rain neither of them would be able to tell that he was still crying.

* * *

_All along we talked of forever..._

* * *

Edward just stood under the steady spray of hot water.

He was in Roy's shower, he was familiar enough with it to know that the water ran really hot and seemed to last long so he took advantage of it and let it run at a temperature that burned his cold skin, chasing away the worst of the bone deep pain he'd been overwhelmed by as fast he could.

Mustang had stayed a step behind him all the way out of the park and Al had lagged behind.

Edward had been tempted to ask questions but with his teeth chattering as badly as they had been he'd decided to just stay quiet. When they reached the street outside of the park Mustang had opened the car door for him and Ed had given him a half glare to which Roy had just smiled very slightly. Minutes later when they'd all gotten into the car and were driving, it had eased Ed's anxiety knowing he didn't have to immediately be alone with Alphonse, especially when Mustang said he was taking them back to his place because it was closer. He was the only one who'd spoken in the car as it was.

Edward needed to pull himself together before he could face Alphonse.

Presently, as he stood under the hot water stream, he put a few things together. Al had apologized to him when they'd come to free him at the park, saying he hadn't known, which meant he really did know now that Ed's alchemy was gone. It was easy enough to figure out that Roy was the one who'd told Alphonse, somehow he must have found out Al had left him in the park and he must had told Alphonse the truth at some point. Edward couldn't be mad, it would be unreasonable, especially since both Al and Roy had looked guilty and worried when they'd come to get him.

He was relieved about the fact that Mustang hadn't told Al before that, when Al had first started spitting accusations at him he'd thought that Roy had told Al about his alchemy but once he realized Alphonse hadn't actually known and had the wrong idea, it was clear Mustang hadn't betrayed his trust. He appreciated that.

Edward leaned his head back from the stream and water so he could open his eyes and he rubbed his now hot hands over his reddened skin, all the cold was gone and his skin had adapted to the burn from the water, he felt comfortably warm. The steam and heat were relaxing and he leaned over slightly under the hot water to rub gently at the irritated skin around his port, his scars looked red and slightly inflamed.

He pressed his fingers into the skin and then rubbed higher up on his thigh, massaging his thigh muscles, his bone was still sore and it hurt to stand with too much pressure on his left leg. After rubbing his leg for a while he assessed the light bruising to his ribs and the bruising and scratches on his upper arms, it was nothing serious. After another five minutes of soaking the tension from his muscles under the hot water, he put his head back under the stream and let the water soak into his hair before he ran his hands over it and brought it together into a long twirl down his back.

When he switched off the water and wiped a hand over his face, he noticed that aside from his breathing he couldn't hear anything. He knew that Alphonse was in the lounge though, that's where he'd last seen him before Mustang had told him to go and take a hot shower, Al had been standing looking like a miserable, wet kicked puppy.

It made Edward's stomach turn to think of it, but the only thing he'd wanted to do when he saw Al standing like that was to go over and hold him…maybe kiss him. He could admit it to himself now that he wanted to kiss and hold Alphonse. He sighed as he turned around an opened the glass shower door and then he leaned out and grabbed a towel off the rack. He dabbed his face, neck and chest dry before he wrapped it around his waist and sniffed loudly, but he was still heavily congested and he coughed when the inhalation caught in the back of his throat.

Before he got out of the shower he squeezed his hair out and then he stepped onto the cold tiles, he was careful to keep the majority of his weight on his flesh leg, but it still hurt because the pain would be fused into his bone for the next few days. The pain didn't even show on his face as he limped out of the en-suite into Roy's bedroom, it was down to a consistent dull throb that he was used to so it barely fazed him.

He limped over to the large bed and sat down at the foot, acutely aware of a trickle of water sliding down the side of his neck as he absently placed a hand on his left thigh and rubbed up and down slowly, the throb was annoying. He sighed again and glanced beside where he'd sat down, he'd seen it when he first came out of the bathroom, his clothes were neatly folded and perfectly dry, waiting for him.

He picked up his shirt and inspected the sleeves, the tears he was sure had been there judging by the bruising and cuts on his biceps, forearms and ribs were gone. He knew Roy had dried, cleaned and mended the clothes and he closed his eyes for a moment, scratching his nose as he thought a quiet thanks to the older man.

Mustang had no reason to still be helping, still be caring and yet here he was, doing just that.

Edward put the shirt back down and picked up his clean and dry boxers as he stood up, he pulled them on up under his towel and then pulled it off and walked over to the chair where he opened it up and draped it over the back.

Just as he turned around and started limping back towards the bed the door opened and Mustang walked into the room. Edward stopped and Mustang did too, he'd been half naked around the older man before, what with having been in hospital gowns and bandages so many times around him. But that was years ago, he was an adult now and Roy was sexually interested in him so standing there practically naked and partially wet in the older man's bedroom just seemed so much less innocent than it actually was.

 _'But it is innocent and Al's down the hall.'_  Edward told himself quickly and continued limping toward the bed, deciding it was better to just do as he'd first suggested, pretend like nothing had happened between them.

Nothing romantic had been or ever would be between himself and Roy and that was just the way it had to be. He loved Alphonse and in their relationship as brothers or lovers, Al was who he owed his life to.

Once he got to the bed he sat down and pulled his socks on first and then his jeans, he was aware of Roy's eyes on him but the older man was not the type to be awkward,

"How's your leg? Should I get you an ice pack?" Mustang asked as he walked closer.

Edward stood up as he pulled the jeans up to his waist, tucking his shorts in with a small sniff and cough before he done up the zipper and button,

"No thanks, it's tolerable," he coughed lightly again as he reached for his shirt, "I'll take some pain killers when I get…home." He paused and looked at Roy who stood holding a half filled glass of water and two white pills in either hand. Edward pulled his shirt on and then took the water and pills, taking them quickly and finishing the cool water before handing Roy the glass, "Thanks…by the way, for uh, all of this." He mumbled and Mustang just nodded.

Edward pursed his lips and gingerly touched his sore left hip, it was an internal pain from the strain put on his left side earlier,

"Is…is Alphonse okay?" he asked quietly and coughed again, swallowing sorely afterward.

Mustang raised his eyebrows,

"He's upset, probably berating himself for leaving you out there…but it's your fault for not telling him and it's his fault for being so melodramatic in his confrontational tactics." He sighed and tapped his fingers against the empty glass. Ed frowned at his words, "Honestly, the two of you are ridiculous." He mumbled.

Edward rubbed his hand over the side of his neck to catch the water droplets cascading down to the line of his shirt,

"It's not his fault, I-…"

"Yes, I'm so sure it's  **all**  your fault." He blinked lazily and he looked tired, "You always take all of the blame Edward, here, let me dry your hair…" he offered as he put the glass on the bed.

"No it's okay I'll use the tow-…"

" **No** , don't be stubborn, let me dry it completely. You already sound like you might be getting sick." Roy had walked around so he was standing behind Ed and he held his hands up.

Ed stood stiff for a moment, remembering what had happened the last time Roy used alchemy in front of him but he couldn't let that memory put him off balance, it wasn't important, so he glanced at the towel and then to Roy's hands a final time before he nodded.

He didn't hear Mustang put his hands together, all he heard was a soft crackle and all he felt was a soothing even heat as it passed over his skull and moved down to the base of his neck. The crackle lasted a few seconds and then he felt a soft tug on his hair, Mustang was touching it but it was a fleeting touch,

"There, completely dry." The older man said quietly.

Edward turned around as he ran a hand through his straight, dry hair, his scalp was still slightly warm and it made him feel sleepy since he wasn't feeling well, he had a stuffy nose, sore throat and he was still nauseous,

"I hope I don't get sick, that's the last thing I need." He shook his head and continued to run his hands back through it, closing his eyes and sniffing.

"When you get home, just take something for a cold in case and get into bed, you've had a really bad day…" he trailed off and Edward opened his eyes and looked at him, "…you looked out of it when we got to you in the park." he explained. Edward licked his lips slowly, thinking of the time he'd spent shivering and miserable in the park, left alone to reflect on his many, many mistakes. Now that it was over, it seemed less serious but the situation was worse than ever in his personal life and there was no going back now.

He started to gather his hair at the nape of his neck to braid it,

"He knows?" he asked quietly as he separated his hair into three parts.

Roy looked at him and then turned around and walked to one of the bedside tables to pick something up,

"Yes, I'm sorry, I had to tell him or else he wouldn't have told me where he'd left you." He sighed and came back over to Ed, he had Ed's hair elastic held between his fingers.

Edward started to braid his long hair with a sigh,

"Was he angry, was he okay when you got the apartment? He was really upset when he left me at the park." He coughed quietly and glanced at Roy as the older man pushed one hand into his pocket,

"He was upset, that much was obvious and he wasn't pleased to see me at all." He sounded like that part confused him and Edward didn't say anything, "But he was adamant about not telling me where he'd left you, until I told him that you couldn't free yourself." He lowered his voice and shook his head, "He honestly had no idea, he looked completely mortified when I told him and he realized what he'd done." Roy sighed.

Ed didn't say anything to that, he had nothing to add but he imagined Alphonse had been very upset considering how bad he'd looked when he left the park. He reached the end of his braid and took the elastic Mustang held out to him –he'd had it in his pocket- with an acknowledging glance of 'thanks' before he tied his loose braid off and sighed heavily, avoiding coughing when his throat scratched.

Mustang raised his eyebrows,

"At least the worst part is over, he knows now, all you have to do is explain it to him…" Edward shook his head slowly, tiredly, "…you  **have**  to. He was angry Ed, he really believed you'd been trying to keep him out of your life, he really thought you were still doing alchemy all this time, all these years and hiding it from him. I've  _never_ seen Alphonse look so much like he wanted to kill someone, he looked like he wanted to strangle me just for knowing about it." Roy was looking at him with that concerned look that made him feel bad and uncomfortable.

His words affected Edward though, knowing about Alphonse being jealous over what he believed was happening between himself and Roy, he imagined Al was pretty rude and cold toward the older man but it didn't sound –from Mustang's recap- like Al had said anything suspicious or worrisome in his anger.

"He probably hates me." He mumbled and rubbed his hands over his face before he pushed his braid back so it swung over his shoulder to his back and settled along the line of his spine. He blinked and glanced to the hand Roy settled on his shoulder and then squeezed, it was a gesture of comfort and a touch that made Edward feel guiltier,

"He doesn't hate you, this entire thing was a huge misunderstanding because the two of you are both useless at communicating. You're like an old couple that needs counseling."

Edward felt his stomach turn slightly at that last statement, he shrugged Mustang's hand off and turned away from looking at the older man. He was drawn back to his thoughts from when he'd been left in the park, wondering if things would have been different or better if he'd just told Alphonse that he'd fallen for him,

 _'He was honest with me from the beginning about his feelings, should I have been honest with him when I realized mine?'_  he swallowed sorely and when he brushed his fingers over the underside of his jaw he felt the slightly swollen glands there and he knew it'd be sore for a while.

He grimaced,

"I don't know how to tell him, if he doesn't hate me, he's just gonna hate himself." He ran his hands through his bangs absently. He knew that Alphonse would blame himself, he didn't want that, hell, he didn't want any of this shit to have happened or be happening.

"He won't if you explain why you kept it from him, you just need to be honest and clear about your reasons, after all, you did it for him." Mustang tried to reason with him but he shook his head,

"Not entirely, I also kept it to myself because I felt…I felt like less of who I used to be. It was a big loss, it changed a lot about me, about the way I act and think and I feel  _weaker_." Edward turned to look at Roy but met his gaze hesitantly, "When he used his alchemy on me in the park and walked away, I started sh-shaking…all I could think about was how helpless I was,  **me** , the full-fucking-metal alchemist who always ran head first into danger and got out of sticky situations  _all_  the time, I felt _vulnerable_." He hated admitting that, but it was true, he'd felt pathetic.

And talking to Mustang was okay, he trusted him, it had taken years for him to trust Roy, but his trust was not misplaced because Roy never laughed or mocked him when it came to the serious topics and Roy kept his secrets. What Mustang said next nearly made Edward smile with  _fondness_ ,

"I do actually know how you feel…" Mustang said quietly, "…I was only blind for a short while, but it was during one of the most dangerous and bizarre fights I've ever been in, in all my life and had it not been for Hawkeye, I would have probably been killed." He admitted, "I felt vulnerable then, I felt useless…I know how you feel." It was so bizarre, that Roy would confide in him about his own vulnerability when he'd been blind for that short time, when once upon a time they'd barely tolerated each other and couldn't hold a civil conversation.

The confession didn't make him feel better though,

"At least you got your eyesight back, I can never get my alchemy back." He said with a downward twitch of his lips.

Mustang nodded slightly,

"I know you miss it, I know you felt like it made you complete but it wasn't the most important thing in your life and I know you know that..." Roy said quietly, knowing Edward too well. He snorted softly through his stuffy nose, "You've just been going through a hard time and when things are bad it's easy to forget why you were ever happy in the first place but-…"

He couldn't help rolling his eyes,

"Would you shut up and stop sounding so wise and old." Ed smiled slightly.

"It's all I can do, you're not exactly receptive to physical comfort, like a hug…" Mustang mumbled and raised his eyebrows. Edward preferred the lighthearted talking instead of the serious personal stuff,

"Don't you dare hug me." He gave Roy a mock warning look and coughed quietly as he wiggled his automail toes, all the while he'd been standing he'd been leaning his weight on his right leg and but his left was still aching,

"I would never, I value my life too much." Roy said back with a small smile.

Edward sighed, he thought of Alphonse sitting down the hall in the lounge and rubbed a hand over his mouth,

"But I appreciate your old man advice, I know you're right and I've never regretted my decision, things are just really bad right now and I've been feeling like I'm losing Alphonse." He admitted miserably.

"Which is why your lack of alchemy is affecting you so much more." Roy finished in a quiet understanding tone.

Ed didn't acknowledge Roy's next soft words of reassurance,

"You're still an alchemist anyway. Up here," he tapped his temple lightly, "where it counts." They were just words in the end, they didn't matter but he did look at the older man when he brought up what had happened between them the night Ed had last been there,

"I told you I don't want to talk about it-…" Edward huffed.

Mustang sighed,

"So then, you really want to go on like it never happened?" he asked softly.

Edward nodded slowly but made sure Roy could see how serious he was when he looked at him and when Roy nodded back and sighed again, a small frown settling on his face, Ed felt better,

"Fine, if that's what you want, then I won't bring it up again."

"You said that the last time when you first brought it up." Ed pointed out.

Mustang just raised his eyebrows lazily,

"Yes, I know I did…but I apologized…and I apologized for kissing you."

Edward inhaled quietly and his stomach fluttered uncomfortably at the mention of the kiss and the thought of it, especially since Mustang was standing just a foot away from him and Ed had the distinct memory of the taste of texture of the older man's lips. He tilted his head and sighed tiredly, his sighs were muffled by his congestion,

"I told you not to say sorry…" he said and then licked his lips, deciding he owed Roy a decent –if vague- explanation, "…look, it was weird but like, not in a bad way…because…I, I think under different circumstances, I might have…probably would have…" he thought he might start blushing like an idiot, "…maybe…" he frowned.

Mustang took in a soft breath and stuck both his hands into his pockets,

"Okay, I get it, you didn't hate it but it's  **me**  and that makes you uncomfortable." Mustang said in his usual smartass way and Edward just shrugged,

"Not even that, I just don't want be in any kind of relationship right now and probably not for a long time," because he had a lot of feelings to work out with regards to Alphonse, "I just don't feel right about it, I don't want to."

 _'I just want to hold him.'_  He felt empty as he thought about losing Al, being out in the rain and shivering, alone like that earlier had reminded him of how much he valued having one thing in his life that made everything worth suffering through.

Just Alphonse, he just needed Alphonse.

"Like you told Kimberly." Mustang mumbled.

"Yeah, same thing." He nodded and then inhaled deeply and looked directly at Roy, deciding he'd procrastinated enough, it was time to face his beloved younger brother and beg for his forgiveness "Anyway, I need to go to the lounge and start by apologizing and telling Al how much I love him and how happy I am to have him, so that when I tell him that I sacrificed my alchemy in exchange for his body he won't feel like I just dumped a huge burden on him." He was frowning by the end of his words, not sure where he would even start when he finally faced Al.

"Whatever you do, just be honest. He seemed most upset about being lied to so avoid doing any more of that." Mustang said tiredly and rubbed the side of his neck.

Edward nodded,

"I will." He said honestly, he wanted to be done with it, he wanted to tell Alphonse  _everything_  and then he wouldn't have anything to hide and whatever happened after that he'd feel exonerated from guilt and blame.

"Good, uh…" Roy looked contemplative as he stared at Edward and his eyes went from affectionate to serious before he looked away and ran a hand through his hair, "…I'll go out for a while and give you two time to talk, or yell, however you two sort your problems out best, just try not to fight physically. Both of you look like shit and you don't need to make that worse for one another." He turned and walked toward the door.

Edward watched him walk away until he reached the door then he piped up,

"Hey," he walked toward the door as well and stopped when Roy turned to face him, "Seriously, thanks for all this." He felt like a real 'thank you' was long overdue.

Mustang smiled at him slightly,

"You're welcome, Edward." He said sincerely and Ed raised his eyebrows, trying to disguise his emotions behind one of Mustang's bored expressions,

"Okay, anyway…uh…" he gestured to the door.

Mustang stepped back and pulled the door open all the way and Edward took in a deep breath as he walked out of the bedroom.

He coughed quietly, putting a loosely fisted hand in front of his mouth as he walked the length of the hall and when he entered the lounge he licked his lips and his face was expressive of the regret he felt for his awful lies and behavior…but it quickly changed to confusion when he looked around the empty lounge.

"Where's Alphonse?" Mustang asked from behind him and Edward blinked, swallowing slowly as he turned to look at Roy and then he walked around him, back into the hall.

Edward checked the study and the single toilet and then the kitchen but Alphonse wasn't in the apartment, he ran his hand through his hair as he walked quickly back toward the lounge. Roy was standing with his hands on his hips and he raised an eyebrow. Ed frowned,

"I have to go find him." He wheezed, anxiety building as he rubbed his hand over his mouth and walked to the main door.

"I'll help you." Roy said and followed but Edward glanced back and shook his head before he pulled on his boots,

"No, I'd rather find him on my own…" he pulled the door open next and walked out but when he tried to pull the door closed behind him, Roy grabbed it,

"Okay fine, but take my car, I'll call a military pick up for me to get to work tomorrow." Edward shook his head as Mustang pulled his car keys out of his pocket, "Don't argue, it's still raining and you're still limping." He pointed out and jingled the keys.

Edward hesitated outside of the door but then he reached out and took the keys,

"I don't like owing you." He mumbled.

"Now is not the time for that mindset, Edward. Find Alphonse, sort out your problems." He said evenly and once again Ed was grateful.

He was about to say 'thanks' again but he swallowed it and just nodded before he turned and started to limp as fast as he could down the hall,

"And let me know when you find him." Roy called down the hall and Ed just raised a hand to acknowledge that he'd heard and then he turned down the stairs.

Every solid step he took made his left leg hurt even worse but it didn't slow him up, he had to find Alphonse…

* * *

_I kind of think that we won't get better..._

* * *

Edward had driven around for about ten minutes while trying to remember Elizabeth's home address. Alphonse had told it to him once when he'd asked and he knew it was somewhere in his mechanical memory, he'd just had to drag it out of his category of 'not so important' information.

It took him the time he spent driving around to finally remember it, or at least he hoped it was right and then he was driving in that direction. It made sense to him that Alphonse would go to Elizabeth, she was the only person Ed could think of that Al would turn to when he was upset. Or more accurately, she was the only person Edward knew of that his younger brother was good  _friends_  with in all the months they'd been living in Central. He grimaced when he pressed his foot down on the clutch and changed gears, the pressure of his foot to the pedal sent unpleasant shocks of pain up into his thigh.

 _'If he's not at her place, she can probably tell me if he has some other friend he might have gone to.'_  He thought hopefully as he turned a last corner into another long main street and drove until he saw the apartment building matching the address Al had told him. He parked along the curb and then switched the car off, instantly the rain washed out the visibility of the streets through the windshield when the wipers stopped.

The chill in the air wasn't making the pain in his leg any better but he ignored it and got out of the car, he shut the door with a quick push before he rushed to the entrance of the building and hastily went inside. The cold rain water dampened his shirt and his previously dry hair very quickly and once he was inside the lobby he swallowed sorely as the added wet chill made his other aches feel more pronounced.

The hot shower was forgotten now that he was back out in the bad weather.

He walked on his aching automail as properly as he could and he was going to head straight for the staircase when a security guard gestured for him to go to reception. Edward clenched his jaw, feeling the need to just make his way to the stairs and if the bastard got in his way he'd just knock him on his ass. But he knew that would not be productive in terms of finding Al quickly, the fewer unnecessary hindrances the better. So he crossed the lobby to the desk and signed in. He didn't know what the number address of Elizabeth's house was so he filled in 'penthouse' under the apartment number requirement space and then he made his way back to the stairs, wincing and mentally cursing with every step.

When he reached the elevators he pressed the button and waited impatiently, not looking at the few other people also waiting who were glancing at him. He was partially wet and not wearing a jacket or carrying an umbrella, he figured they probably thought he was an idiot for running around in the rain. Edward walked into the elevator as soon as it came and jabbed the top floor button harshly, he clenched his jaw the whole way up and at every stop the lift made for people to get off he sighed irritably.

When he finally reached the top floor he walked out and glanced around at the lavish layout of the short hall leading to the double doors. Usually he would have had some snide insult or amusing comment about rich people and a stupid hallway chandelier but right then, he just needed to see Alphonse.

He limped to the doors and knocked loudly a few times, making sure he'd be heard, before he brushed his hands through his damp bangs and waited, he was breathing quietly but deeply from the mixture of anxiety and pain coursing through him. It was at least warmer all the way up on the penthouse floor.

When the door opened Edward looked up from the floor frowned at the old woman dressed in a house keeper's black and white uniform, she looked about as unfriendly as was possible,

"Can I help you?" she looked over him once and then blinked slowly, her gaze set on him expectantly.

"Elizabeth," no time for pleasantries, "I need to see her." He added flatly, in a clipped tone and much like he was used to, he made a bad mannered impression and the woman gave him a look of dislike.

She took a moment to think about something and Edward ran his tongue along his teeth to keep himself from snapping at her,

"Who shall I tell her is calling?" she asked evenly, professionally.

"Edward." He said quickly and raised an expectant eyebrow.

She gave him one last fleeting look of disapproval and then turned around and closed the door in his face, Edward's eye twitched but he wasn't going to do anything to embarrass Alphonse. This was his brother's girlfriend after all and he had to be amicable.

He turned away from the door and stuck his hands into his pockets as he waited, leaning against the wall of the hall to take pressure off his left leg. When the door opened again he stood off the wall and watched as Elizabeth frowned at him and stepped out of the penthouse, closing the door behind her,

"Edward, why're you here, is everything okay, is Alphonse okay?" she asked quickly and quietly, her arms were crossed over her chest and she was dressed in a large green wool jersey that hung on her small frame and over the top of her tight black pants.

Her genuine concern for Alphonse pleased him, he liked that Al had a girl who cared so much for him that it showed clearly on her face. But seeing her also reminded him of how attractive she was and conjured up vivid imagery of her and Alphonse having sex.

His stomach turned and he shook his head,

"I was hoping he'd be here, but I guess he's not." He said as he decided it, Alphonse would have come to the door with her or without her if he'd been there, "Did he come by here?" he asked quietly and stared straight into her worried green eyes as he coughed into his hand a few times.

She shook her head,

"Today? No, I saw him last night but not today, I haven't heard from him either." She said quietly and she frowned. Looking at her closely Edward noticed she looked tired and stressed, he knew that her similarly unwell appearance to Al was probably significant on some level but that wasn't his business.

He just needed to find Al, he closed his eyes and then blinked a few times as he sighed, he felt tired and his eyesight was slightly blurry because of his exhaustion.

Elizabeth seemed to take his silence as a bad sign,

"Why? Don't you know where he is? Did he make it home last night?" she uncrossed her arms, her eyes wider and she looked slightly panicked as she stepped closer. Edward nodded his head absently,

"Yeah, he came home last night, I was with him up until about a half hour ago…" he watched her visibly relax, "…he kind of walked out and I thought maybe he came here." He gave her the short and not so sweet version.

She still looked worried but significantly less now that she knew Alphonse wasn't hurt or anything and she shook her head,

"No, like I said, I haven't seen or heard from him today." she repeated, looking sad about something.

"Do you know anyone else he might have gone to, any other friends?" he asked hopefully.

She shook her head again, re-crossing her arms,

"I doubt he'd go to anyone else, he barely wanted to come here when I first invited him and his friends from university aren't that close to him." She explained quietly. Edward nodded, he was feeling more stressed out now because if Al wasn't at Elizabeth's and she didn't think he'd gone anywhere else, he felt lost without any idea of where to look next,

"Thanks anyway." He said shortly and turned to leave, walking quickly back toward the elevator.

"Edward…" she said quickly and when he glanced back she was walking toward him. She stopped when he turned to face her, "…could you tell him to let me know he's okay, whenever you find him or when he comes home?" She asked with a deep frown.

He nodded once and then walked quickly down the hall, clenching his teeth against the pain shooting down his left side. He jabbed the elevator button a few times and sighed at having to wait for it, he glanced back once to see that Elizabeth was still standing at the doors to the house and staring at him with wide, concerned…and sad eyes.

Something was off about her, she didn't look as sweet, carefree or as happy as he'd remembered seeing her being the last two times. She looked like she'd been hurt and Edward had to wonder if it had something to do with her and Alphonse sleeping together, or if maybe it was something else.

He wouldn't know, and he definitely wouldn't be asking, it wasn't important unless it affected Al and even then, he'd only know if Alphonse wanted to tell him.

The elevator arrived, the doors sliding open pulled him from his thoughts and he blinked a few times, realizing he'd been staring at Elizabeth and she was smiling at him slightly, awkwardly. He forced a small smile, feeling like an idiot, and then looked away when he stepped quickly into the elevator.

* * *

Edward spent another half hour driving around searching the familiar streets, he drove along the roads Alphonse was likely to walk along to get to their apartment, to or from Roy's apartment and the same with Elizabeth's. When he didn't pass by anyone walking around -at all- since it was raining like hell, he took one last hopeful drive around the park area and cursed when the rain only came down harder, blurring everything even more. It was pointless to drive around anymore and he knew it.

He pursed his lips and rubbed a hand over the lower half of his face, his skin was cold and clammy, keeping his other hand on the steering wheel as he navigated the scarce Sunday traffic. Edward frowned as he considered what options he had left, he knew Alphonse wouldn't go to Gracia, not only because Jackson was in the picture now, but also because the questions would be inevitable and hard to answer if he showed up on her doorstep in the condition he was in.

Edward clenched and unclenched his jaw as he stopped at a red light, wringing both his hands tightly around the steering wheel,

"He doesn't know where Winry lives, or at least I don't think he does and I doubt he'd go there anyway…" he shook his head as he talked to himself, trying to think of where Al might be.

Edward had come to realize a while ago already that there seemed to be no love lost for Alphonse where Winry was concerned, the younger blonde seemed completely content to not have their childhood friend be a part of his life. He shook his head, saddened by how much things had changed.

But he didn't let it get to him, there was no changing what had already been said and done. He turned his thoughts back to Alphonse's potential whereabouts as the light turned green and the car in front of him pulled off. He followed at a distracted but safe distance, thinking about whether Alphonse would have gone home.

It seemed unlikely, especially if his intention was to avoid Edward, but with the rain flooding the streets and the lightning flashing every two minutes, Ed doubted Al would go wandering somewhere far or foreign.

 _'Maybe he did go home…'_  that thought was followed by mental image that left him cold and pressing his foot firmly down on the accelerator. He'd pictured Al at the apartment packing his bags, preparing to leave him. It was a scary hollow fear that he felt as he drove as fast as the car could in the direction of the apartment building.

Home was a last resort to check and yet he was thinking he should have gone there first, now after the fact it seemed obvious that Alphonse would go somewhere to be alone, where he had privacy, a bedroom of his own with a door he could lock. Especially now that Al knew Edward couldn't get into his bedroom using alchemy, anything short of kicking the door down the good old fashioned way was not an option.

 _'He knows the truth, now I just have to apologize and explain it to him, just like Roy said, no more lies.'_  He heaved a strained sigh, a mixture of stress and uncertainty, as he turned onto their street and drove up quickly to park along the curb near the doors to the building.

He got wet again as he ran through the downpour from the car to the building, his leg was aching so badly and his chest even worse with worry. He glanced at the phones as he crossed the lobby at a fast paced limp,

 _'If he's not in the apartment I'll call Mustang and find out if he went back there, then Elizabeth…then if I have to I'll call Gracia…'_  he was thinking as he pushed past the pain and climbed the stairs two at a time.

By the time he reached the floor they lived on, coughing a bit loudly, it felt like his leg might have been bleeding, but a glance down at his jeans as he walked to the door assured him it was just because his skin was hot and sore and the jeans he wore was cold and damp, that mixed with his fucked up nerve responses through the ache just made it feel weird and sticky.

Edward arrived at the door and checked his back pocket for his apartment keys…he stopped when he felt nothing, he quickly patted himself down and noticed that his wallet was gone too. Aside from Roy's car keys, there was nothing in his pockets, he swallowed thickly,

"Fuck…Mustang…" he clenched his eyes shut and balled his fist, raising his hand to punch the wood of the door and dent it but he stopped short when a door down the hall opened.

Edward glanced down the hall as he opened his hand and placed it on the door calmly, he saw one of their neighbors coming out of their apartment, the middle aged man spared him a glance before going down the stairs and Ed just looked away and glared at the door. He knew he couldn't be pissed off at Roy, the man had probably taken the items out of his pockets when he'd dried the clothes off and in all the hurry to go after Al neither of them had remembered Ed might need them.

He licked his lips and forced down a shiver, the cold was crawling over his clammy skin and his leg was hurting steadily because he was standing on it normally. Edward blinked slowly and then his shoulders sagged in defeat, as he reached for the door handle he hoped for the best and turned it without hesitation…

…and the door opened.

Relief flooded his system and he nearly laughed,

 _'He **is**  home.'_ He thought with a mental sigh and pushed the door.

He stepped inside the dead silence of the apartment and closed the door quietly behind him,

"Alphonse?" he called out, in case his brother was avoiding him, he supposed it was only fair to give him a heads up, in case Al wanted to lock his bedroom door or something.

Edward didn't get a response so he walked inside, uncaring that he still had his boots on and by the wet, muddy brown boot prints on the tiles he guessed Al hadn't cared to take his shoes off either. The apartment was dull because of the awful weather and as he turned the corner into the hall he patted his hand on the wall where he knew the light switch was more or less. He'd missed it but it didn't matter because even in the overcast gloom of the hall he was able to see Alphonse.

"Alphonse." Edward said with a shaky sigh and his throat closed up quickly with emotion to see his younger brother sitting half way down the hall, back against the wall, dejected, soaking wet and cold, if the shivering he was doing was an accurate indication. Ed quickly covered the distance and came to a stop when he was standing in front of Al, the younger blonde was sitting with his head leaned back and staring at the ceiling while he kept his arms wrapped loosely around his knees, his legs were pulled up close to his chest.

Edward searched his face confusedly for only a second before Al blinked and his eyes came into focus, Ed blinked and felt wetness on his lashes, he couldn't speak right away but he wanted to say sorry and sorry again…over and over. He swallowed sorely, repressing a cough and was just trying to get some air past the sore lump in his throat when Al smiled up at him and he forgot about breathing completely,

"Brother, I was waiting for you to get home…" Al's teeth only chattered a bit as he spoke and they were visible in his smile and the worst –but somehow best- part was that his smile was completely  _sincere_. He looked like he was happy to see Edward.

Edward frowned as the wetness on his lashes increased and he roughly wiped his hand over his eyes,

"Wh-why…did you leave…?" he asked the first thing that came to mind and had to swallow after he spoke, his words had sounded partially like a whisper.

Alphonse kept smiling and Edward watched as he uncurled his arms from his legs and he shifted on to his knees slowly, still shivering and looking up at Ed,

"You and Mustang were talking and I didn't want to intrude so I thought I'd just wait for you at home." he said quietly.

The words were confusing but Alphonse's next action left Edward mute, his lips parted and he frowned but couldn't think of a word to say. Al sat back on his legs, kneeling and he reached out for Edward's hands that were hanging limply at his sides and took them into his own cold, lightly trembling hands,

"I was waiting to apologize to you…" Alphonse said with no tears in his eyes, but they were red lined and slightly puffy which told Ed all the tears had been shed already, "…for everything I-…"

"Alphon…" he couldn't get the name out completely because he coughed, his chest was tight as was his throat, but he clutched Al's hands when the younger blonde squeezed his own and Alphonse shook his head with a sad smile,

"Don't do that Ed, please don't say it's not my fault." He said so calmly, so clearly that for the first time in weeks, Ed felt like he was really seeing Alphonse, the way Al used to be…before everything changed.

Still he wanted to protest, so he cleared his throat but Alphonse just squeezed his hands tighter, shifting their fingers so that they were interlocked as he kept smiling, eyebrows drawn together sadly, seemingly at some sort of inner peace. His smile was sweet, real and just a bit broken and there were a few new tear tracks on his pale face,

"It doesn't matter to me that you lied about your alchemy, now that I know why you gave it up and  **why**  you don't have it, I know I'm the only one who needs to have any regrets." His smile slipped away and his face became grave and expressive of deep contriteness, to the point where Edward felt like he was looking right into Alphonse's pain through his eyes.

He was still trying to figure out just how Al knew how and why he didn't have his alchemy when, as far as Ed knew, Al hadn't yet been told the details but he didn't have time to properly process any possibilities because the younger blonde took in a short, audible breath before he continued speaking in a shaken voice,

"I  **forgot** …that's what happened, I forgot how much you meant to me as a  _brother_. I forgot how much it meant to  **you** ," he swallowed slowly and Edward felt a sharp pain sear through his left side and he lowered himself down on to his knees to be level with Alphonse, "it was easy to forget when all of the hardships we suffered together were over, it was easy to be selfish because you let me and I just  _couldn't_ …" he shook his head and drew Ed's hands closer to himself when Ed settled on the floor, "…I  _couldn't stop_  myself." Al said a bit breathlessly and clenched his eyes shut, tears slipped down his cheeks.

Edward coughed softly, the pain was worst in his chest and his leg and he grimaced as he shifted again, letting one of Al's hands go so he could position himself to kneel on his right leg and he stretched his left leg out to take the intense pressure off it before he took Al's hand up again. Al immediately re-laced their fingers together and sniffed,

"I'm sorry about your leg…" he shook his head, obviously upset with himself.

"It's fine." Ed said in a raspy voice and Alphonse looked at him again, serious and sad.

Ed didn't know what to make of the sudden sureness of Al's words and the honest understanding in his eyes, he hadn't seen that clarity in months and he didn't know what it meant. Alphonse sniffed again, licked his lips and Ed watched silently as the younger blonde wiped the tears off his face with his damp shirt sleeve, never letting go of Ed's hands, and he smiled again,

"This is the last, I  _swear_ , neither of us are going to cry anymore…" he sniffed again, "…I just need to know if you can forgive me for all this…" he whispered.

Edward went to say something, frowning, but Alphonse squeezed his hands and gave him another serious look,

"I told you not to do  **that** , please, if you respect me Edward, you'll stop looking at me as if I can't make mistakes, you have to see me for what I am. I'm  _human_ , I make  _mistakes_ , I  _hurt_  people, I can  _lie_ , I can  _deceive_ , I'm not…I'm not  **perfect** , Brother." His eyes were imploring and serious and Ed blinked and frowned, he understood what Al was asking but he wasn't sure if he agreed.

Edward still believed that it had been an error on his part, during the human transmutation, which had messed Alphonse's feelings up, messed his brain up somehow, it  **had**  to be his fault…didn't it? Wasn't it always his fault?

"Alphonse, can I just sa-…"

"No, no  _please_ …" Alphonse shook his head slowly then smiled again, sad but sincere, "…I know what you want to say, but it's not true. It's  _not your fault_ ," he said surely, "all it is, is that I didn't know how hard it was to be human, you know…" he grinned slightly, "…because you always made it look so easy when we were teenagers, and I took it for granted."

"I made it look  _easy_?" Edward found it in himself to laugh quietly, dryly and mirthlessly right before coughed slightly and shook his head, "Al, listen, I'm the one who needs to say sor-…"

"No." Alphonse cut him off, "No more making excuses for me, I think we've both done enough of that to last each other a life time and it hasn't gotten us anywhere." He blinked tiredly.

Edward frowned again and pursed his lips, not sure how to react, his apologies were being thwarted by such calm, control…it was just like when they'd been teenagers and the sound of Al's voice reasoning with him was the only thing that would stop him from doing dangerous or violent things beyond his tempers control.

 _'Alphonse, I don't understand…'_  he thought as Alphonse sat up slightly and looked at him dead in the eyes, gold to gold, damp lashes for both pairs of eyes, confusion in one set and calm revelation in the other,

"Brother, please, I just need to know if you can  _forgive_  me everything, from the start, from the very first time I forced you to kiss me right up until this morning…I can't apologize…en-nough…" his voice was breaking now, the emotion straining his throat and Ed just stared at him as his own emotions raged, "…if you can forgive me I  **promise** , I promise you the brother you  _deserve_  from me, forever, I swear." He said with a tight breath at the end, his hands tightening on Ed's almost painfully.

Edward felt like his heart was constricting as he looked into Al's honest eyes, the promise that was spoken made him feel warm and hopeful,

"I want to make it so that you never  **ever**  regret what you did for me," Alphonse's gaze became determined and more teary, "I want to make it so you'll always know how much  _I love you_. I'm sorry I for-forgot, I'm sorry, I forgot what was important…please f-forgive me, Edward?" he moved his hands from Ed's, grabbing at his forearms before he clutched Edward's damp shirt and hung his head as he shook with quiet sobs.

There was so much Edward could have said, could have contested to, he could have said that he disagreed, could have insisted everything was his fault…but the sound of Al crying and knowing just what the younger blonde needed to hear in order to stop his tears, to stop his pain, it made his decision of what to say easy,

"Of course…" he breathed and raised his shaking hands –he hadn't known he was shaking- and placed them on Al's shoulders, lightly at first and then he clutched them. When Al picked his head up and looked at him, Ed tried his best to convey all of his sincerity and love on his face, "…I forgive you…" he said because he knew Al needed to hear it, just that, right then, "…for  _everything_ , okay, like you said, it doesn't matter." he was shaking his head.

Slowly, as he continued to cry softly, Alphonse smiled and leaned forward so his face pressed to the front of Ed's neck and he released his grip on Ed's shirt so his arms could encircle Edward's torso. More sobs wracked his younger brother's shaking frame, but they sounded like relieved soft hiccups. Edward didn't hesitate to hold Alphonse, moving his arms around his brother, one hand settled on the back of Al's head and the other between Al's shoulder blades.

He listened as Alphonse breathed out a few shaky 'thanks you's' and 'I love you's' and Edward couldn't help reveling in hearing the purity in the words 'I love you'. It didn't sound heavily inundated with any other meaning, it was just what he'd needed to hear for a long time, that his younger brother loved him.

Just loved him, just plain, simple, platonic…love.

It didn't take away from the fact that he was in love with Alphonse, not even remotely, what it did do was ease the ache in his chest and fill –if only a little- the hollowness left inside him from losing his alchemy. If this was just another passing promise, if Alphonse wasn't able to stay strong  _again_ , then it would be okay, like it was always just  _okay_  for Edward because at least he knew that somewhere in all of this mess, Alphonse still loved him as a brother.

He hadn't lost him.

They stayed like that for long minutes in the quiet, dim hallway with the rain falling heavily outside, the depressing drone was interrupted every now and then by claps of thunder and white flashes of distant lightning. At some point CookieBoots came out of one of the bedrooms and meowed quietly as he brushed against Edward's back in passing and then he went on down the hall.

Edward was completely ignoring the pain in his left leg which was stretched out to the side, slightly bent at the knee. The tension in his body from sitting in an awkward upright position was uncomfortable as well, he was supporting some of Al's weight as the younger leaned into him but he didn't mind, because it was nice, the quiet wasn't so bad that time and having Al close to him wasn't bad either.

Al had stopped crying at some point and he was just holding on now, Edward could feel Al's fingers clutching gently to the back of his shirt every now and then, and he could hear Al sniff softly and his breathing was still a bit uneven but it had calmed significantly. Edward was rubbing Al's back gently and stroking his hair as he lightly flexed his fingers in the short damp blonde locks. Ed couldn't help coughing once or twice haltingly and a bit loud in the quiet, but Al didn't seem bothered by it, he actually clutched a bit tighter every time Ed coughed.

Edward didn't know how much time had passed when he finally took a quiet breath and decided he'd waited long enough to say what he desperately wanted to,

"Alphonse, do you forgive me?" he whispered and turned his face so his lips were pressed to the side of Al's head, against his cold hair.

There was no immediate reaction but then Al shifted and Edward removed his arms so the younger blonde could lean back and look at him. Alphonse looked exhausted and he let out a slow sigh before he nodded,

"There's nothing to forgive, but if you need to hear it…then, yes, I forgive you, Brother." He said in a partial whisper and he blinked so slowly Edward just knew he was about ready to sleep.

And right then Edward realized he felt the same way, he knew he could easily sleep right then, he felt at an ease he hadn't in a long time and he was exhausted from the stressful morning he'd had. Even if this was just a temporary reprieve, he knew they should both take advantage of it,

"You look exhausted, Al." he said back just as quietly, the hallway seemed much darker now, "You should lie down and get some sleep." He couldn't help raising his hands and idly running them down Alphonse's arms.

The small contact made the quiet, brotherly moment seem more real.

Alphonse nodded, blinking unevenly,

"You too," he laughed quietly and it sounded a bit like a snort because his nose was as congested as Ed's, "Your eyes are red and swollen," his smile turned sad and then waned, "I made you cry that much…I haven't ever seen you look this bad." He shook his head and Ed knew Al was about to apologize again so he intervened,

"No more apologies Al, please…" he touched Al's face, unable to stop himself, and let his cold palm settle over Al's damp cheek, "…besides, you look the same, so we're even." He managed a small grin that brought a tender smile to Al's face.

"It's equivalent then, right Brother?" he sniffed. Edward loved hearing Al call him 'brother' again, it was just like it used to be, it sounded so natural, it had been missing for too long. Alphonse placed his hand over Ed's on his cheek, Al's palm was colder than Ed's which worried him. Even as he coughed slightly himself and his throat hurt, he was more concerned Al would get sick because the younger blonde was more susceptible to illness.

"Yeah, it is." He sniffed, he'd missed Alphonse so  **much** that it hurt, but in a good way.

Edward moved to stand up slowly, he favored his right leg once he was up and he held his hand out and helped Alphonse to his feet as well. When they were both standing Ed sighed tiredly,

"You want me to get you anything before you lie down?"

Alphonse looked at him sleepily and shook his head,

"No thanks, I should ask you…your automail…" he frowned and Edward again saw the guilt creeping up in his younger brother, "…I didn't even think about it when I alchemis-…"

"Al…" Edward grabbed his shoulders, squeezing them and wondering why he was being so ridiculously touchy, "…stop, please, it's over. You're safe and I'm fine, I've had worse pains than my automail." He said with a smile he hoped came across as 'fine', even if his leg was starting to sting and burn and throb despite the pain killers Mustang had given him, and his leg felt like jelly.

Hesitantly Alphonse nodded,

"Okay, okay, just rest then, lie down so you're not standing on it…" he gestured down the hall toward Edward's bedroom with a sad, worried frown. It occurred to Edward then that Alphonse intended them to go to their separate bedrooms and that was a good thing.

It really was.

"You too, I'll see you…uh, whenever we wake up…" Ed scratched the side of his neck, it felt warm and damp, "…get out of your wet clothes." He instructed when Alphonse took a step around him since his bedroom was only a few feet away.

Alphonse nodded, glancing back at him with a small smile,

"You as well, and dry your automail off…" he said in a voice that was slightly slurred and Edward felt a pang of guilt for the fact that Al was so tired; he was even slurring his words. Ed watched Al walk into his bedroom and push the door, but it was a gentle push so the door didn't close, it only touched the frame and that made Edward feel better, it didn't feel like he'd just been shut out all over again.

Thunder rumbled loudly and Ed glanced down the hall at the mud tracks on the floor. Now that Al was out of sight, but never out of mind, and safe in his bedroom, Edward's mind turned to other concerns. Aside from the fact that he didn't know how long this new promise of brotherly love would last, he thought about the fact that he'd told Roy and Elizabeth he'd let them know when he found Alphonse.

He grimaced as he limped down the hall toward the main door, thinking about Mustang and Elizabeth sitting and worrying about whether everything was okay. When he reached the door, he sighed and made his decision. He reached out and locked the latch of the door with a smooth click.

 _'They can wait, I'm not leaving Alphonse alone…_ ' even if he was just in the apartment and not literally right next to Alphonse, he wasn't leaving, and no one was important enough to make him.

With the door locked, Edward kicked off his boots and then limped his way back down the hall and into the bathroom, he needed another hot shower –or maybe a bath would be easier on his leg- to ease some of the cold and pain…

…and then he'd sleep, he'd just sleep while he had the peace of mind to do so.

* * *

  
_It's the longest start, but the end's not too far away_   
_Did you know I'm here to stay?_   


* * *

The next day, Monday late morning, found Edward sitting in one of the empty office chairs at General Roy Mustang's subordinate's work cubicles. He mused that the vacant space in the attached workspaces would likely be his if he had to come back to the military, he used to have a desk when he'd last worked there but he'd almost never used it,

 _'If I didn't get assigned my own office I'd probably sit here every day…'_  he thought as he remembered Mustang had said he'd be reinstated as a Colonel.

He had to admit, the deal wasn't bad, being a military Colonel at 23 would be a hell of an accomplishment…much like saving Amestris when he'd been 17 was. Even if he hadn't done it alone, he knew his role in discovering and ending the homunculi and Father's plan had been monumental and crucial. But despite the size of his ego as an alchemic genius, he would never say such a thing aloud. He'd never tell anyone that the country had been saved because of what he and Al had uncovered during their quest…

…because it would feel too much like he was saying something good had come from his brother losing his body.

He sighed and rotated the chair he sat in half way back and forth as he leaned one forearm on the desk and spun a pen around and around with his fingers. Edward was caught up in his thoughts, not paying attention to Havoc and Fuery either side of him, or Breda on the other side of the desk partitions, one down and across from Havoc.

He spared Hawkeye a glance as she stood up with a stack of folders and walked to Mustang's office door, she entered without knocking because the General wasn't in his office, which was the reason Edward was passing his time sitting around the outer office and waiting.

As for why he was there at all…

He sighed and stopped spinning the pen, he leaned his chin in his hand instead and crossed one jean clad leg over the other as he leaned his weight on his elbow on the desk.

That morning hadn't been bad, not at all. He'd woken up after sleeping relatively well so he'd felt rested and he'd found Alphonse standing in the bathroom brushing his teeth. Alphonse had given him a genuine, toothpaste frothy smile and Edward could really only think that the morning had been great after that.

There was no better way to start his day than to see Al happy and smiling.

It hadn't stayed so great though, when Al had finished brushing his pretty, pearly white teeth, he'd joined Ed in the kitchen with a reasonably cheery 'good morning, Brother' and Edward had responded with a smile of his own. He was still wary of the situation since he couldn't be a hundred percent sure that the new revelation Al had had the day before was there to stay. He'd said good morning and Alphonse had lingered quietly for a while watching Ed make coffee. It was when Edward turned to face him and had offered to make the younger blonde tea that he realized Al looked like he wanted to say something. So Ed had waited, leaning on the back of a chair but Alphonse hadn't said anything like what he'd expected.

Ed had expected a statement that would crush his hopes about what had been said the night before, something about Al not being strong enough, or seeking more reassurance that everything was going to be okay.

No, Al had just stared back with calm –clear- eyes and when he finally had spoken some long seconds into the friendly staring contest, it had only been to inform Ed that he was going to see Elizabeth about something and that he'd be home before lunch, he'd also asked if Edward wanted him to make something specific for lunch or if anything would be okay.

Edward had been nonplussed, so he'd just shaken his head and said that anything was fine. Then he'd been stunned further when Alphonse nodded with a warm smile –and fuck, it'd been an adorable smile, so much like himself– before he'd said okay and added that he was going to take a shower.

When he'd left the kitchen, Edward had listened to the younger blonde talk to CookieBoots in a playful pet talking way before he heard the bathroom door close softly down the hall.

Ed had stood for a few minutes leaning on the back of the chair and trying to understand… _everything_. He was seriously starting to hope –however naïve it was- that this time it was for real, that this time he really had Alphonse back, but he worried that he was setting himself up to be let down.

Eventually he'd finished making himself a cup of coffee and he'd sat down and drank it slowly and distractedly. He'd rubbed his hands over his face, untied and re-braided his hair, drummed his fingers on the table surface…he'd just generally idled in the kitchen, feeling confused and uncertain while listening to the shower running.

When the water shut off a while later, that had been the point when he'd decided to start moving because he didn't want to just sit around giving himself a headache. If Alphonse was going to go about his life as though the last few weeks and especially the day before, hadn't happened, then he knew he shouldn't hinder that. He had to do the same, so he'd left his coffee cup on top of a crumby saucer in the sink and left the kitchen.

Alphonse had just stepped out of the bathroom when he stepped into the hall and Edward had paused a few feet away, unable to stop himself from looking over his younger brother's half naked appearance. Al was in only a towel, it was wrapped around his waist and tucked in against his narrow hip, his skin was nicely wet, not dripping but damp enough that it looked glossy and smooth in the daylight.

He'd had to clear his throat when he caught himself staring, taking his slightly narrowed eyes from their inappropriate gaze at Al's bare torso to his younger brother's eyes. Alphonse had looked a bit unsure of what to say, his cheeks had been a faint rosy color but there'd been steam filtering out of the bathroom and Edward told himself the flush was because of the heat and not embarrassment from Ed's wandering eyes.

After all, Al had been going to see his girlfriend, there was no clearer a hint for Ed to take that lingering gazes or touches were out of the question. If Al's words from the previous night were to be taken seriously, it meant that they'd officially made a clean –platonic- break, their slate was clean…

He'd taken a step forward with some effort and then let his feet fall in step as easy as walking should have been, and his gait took him past Alphonse toward his bedroom. He'd casually mentioned that he was going out too and that he'd be home by lunch as he walked and if Al had had any physical reaction to his words, Ed hadn't seen it because he didn't look back. He had heard a quiet 'Okay Brother' right before he closed his bedroom door…

Edward blinked slowly as he stared at the black typed out words of an office bulletin pinned to the inside of the cubicle he occupied, but he didn't register the words. He was thinking about his behavior that morning and trying to figure out why he was having such a hard time accepting with the sudden brotherly change in Alphonse.

 _'Probably because he isn't pretending, so it's harder for me to…'_  he frowned.

Edward nearly started when he was pulled from his distant thoughts by a tap on his shoulder. He raised his chin off his hand, pressing his palm flat to the desk before he uncrossed his legs and rotated the chair around enough so he could raise an eyebrow at Havoc.

The older blonde held up a few sheets of military document paper,

"Mind looking these over for me, Boss? I need a smoke break." he asked with a hopeful grin and Edward looked from Jean's face to the incident reports he was holding up. With a quick skimming Ed surmised that the documents were witness reports for a break in at Central's Military War Museum. Light reading, boring stuff…boring was good, it was like when he'd helped Mustang with his paper work as a distraction…

He didn't let the memory go any further than that, having made up his mind about keeping Mustang as just a friend and he bobbed his eyebrows once,

"Yeah sure, why not, bastard's still not here and I got nothing else to do." He mumbled and turned himself around properly so his legs were under the desk as he took the papers from Havoc and placed them down.

"His meeting should be over by now, Edward, he won't be much longer I'm sure." Hawkeye commented audibly from across the office where she was busy in the filing cabinets, at some point she'd reemerged from Roy's office but Ed had been too preoccupied by his thoughts to notice.

He didn't respond as he picked up the pen he'd been fiddling with and pulled the cap off.

"I'm surprised you're hanging around, Ed, you got something important to talk to the chief about?" Havoc asked, his question was mixed in with a tired sigh as he rolled his chair back and stood up.

Edward crossed his ankles under the table and leaned over the reports to read them, it was like old times, he always remembered hunkering down in his cubicle in case he fell asleep so no one would know any better.

The memory brought a small smile to his face,

"Hm, gotta talk to him about work and shit…" he said vaguely as he twirled the pen in his fingers. It wasn't a lie, not really, since he hadn't gone to the construction site that morning like he was supposed to and needed to know if he was fired or something. But he'd chosen to come and see Mustang mostly because he'd told Al he was going out and hadn't actually had any idea where to go when he'd said it.

He felt stupid for playing some silly tit for tat game when Al seemed to have given up all of his ill motives so sincerely, but Ed was still skeptical. On the flip side though, he felt like he needed to show Alphonse he was okay and moving on too, and if he looked at it from that perspective, his decision to go out could be justified, kind of.

"Oh yeah Ed, meant to ask, you coming back to the military?" Havoc piped up, sounding pleased.

Edward frowned at the random question and then his eye twitched as it occurred to him that they'd probably taken out bets on whether he was returning to the military, he knew just what useless gamblers they all were. He smirked slightly and kept his head down, wondering who he'd be losing money for when he answered,

"I'm  **never** coming back to the military, I promised Al…" he said, swallowing a cough, it was all that needed to be said and he heard Breda laugh.

At this point Edward glanced up at Havoc and saw the telltale expression of a man who'd lost a bet on his face and he smiled shaking his head. Ed glanced at Fuery when he spoke,

"I knew it." Fuery said in a quiet sing song voice, happy to throw in his two cents but doing it in a subtle way, which was just the way he was, reserved with an underlying and pretty decent sense of humor.

Breda was not so subtle,

"You owe me 500 Cenz, Jean." He said smugly. Edward was looking back at the incident reports but he could hear the smile in Breda's voice, "I told you Ed wasn't ever coming back, no matter what promotion or salary the Gen throws at him, he hated working here. Come on, pay up."

Edward's smile faded,

 _'That's not true, I didn't hate working here…'_  he though with a mental sigh. He'd hated the obligation of the military, he'd hated being known as a dog, a walking weapon of the state…but things were different now.

Things were different with Alphonse too.

"Yeah, yeah…when I get back I'll pay ya', man Ed…" Havoc grumbled but it was good natured and Edward just continued reading, letting himself be absorbed in the boring report.

As time passed there was some noise around him, talking, phones ringing, some paper shuffling, the sound of chairs rolling or boots stepping on the green linoleum floors…but he just kept his head down.

He quickly picked up similarities and inconsistencies in the majority of the witness reports which gave him a good idea of what was real and what was exaggerated or mistake. But he was certain one of the reports was almost entirely made up, which meant someone that had been at the scene was lying through their teeth about what they'd seen. Edward was just thinking about how a good beating would get the truth out of the moron when he heard the doors to the office open again, there'd been no door sounds since Havoc's departure so he just assumed it was the older blonde man returning.

But he realized he was wrong when he heard a sudden shuffle and shift in the room as two sets of footsteps entered the outer office. When he looked up he spotted Breda first, standing at attention, hand held in salute at his forehead.

Edward realized then that someone higher ranking -but not Mustang- had walked in and he rotated the chair slowly. He glanced at Kane Fuery -who also stood at attention- before he was turned fully and he raised his eyebrows at the two Generals in the office.

Mustang walked over to Hawkeye without looking around,

"At ease, Major." He said just audibly and he took the clipboard she was holding when she held it out to him.

Edward looked from Roy to the other man in the room, an unfamiliar Lieutenant General Ed didn't recognize and if Ed had to guess based on the tanned complexion of the older man, he was most likely from the south or the east and had probably transferred to Central. The man just looked like an asshole and he had a scowl on his face that defined his many sun-damaged skin wrinkles. Edward figured he was probably in his 60's from the many gray hairs and from the way he was glaring at the back of Roy's head it was obvious that he loathed him. After all, no one liked a man who was many years their junior, holding a higher rank than they did…and who was soon to be promoted above them, permanently.

He smirked, feeling smug on Roy's behalf and finding he looked forward to when Mustang would have four stars on his epaulette so that it would be official. The unknown General chose that time to redirect his scowl from the back of Roy's head to the other occupants of the office. It didn't take the man more than a second to spot Edward who was the only person sitting down and reclining back in the chair, fiddling with the pen between his fingers and chewing on the pen cap with a purposely insolent look on his face.

It came naturally, he  _loved_  rubbing authority figures the wrong way and living up to his reputation. He casually raised one leg and rested his ankle across his knee, he was rewarded for his rude effort with a look of clear distaste from the old General,

"General Mustang," the man said a bit loudly with feigned esteem, "is this an example of how things are run in Central?" he asked evenly, keeping his distasteful gaze on Edward who just quirked an eyebrow and met Roy's gaze when the man absently glanced over his shoulder.

Mustang did a smooth double take –yes, he could even make surprise look casual- as his hand stilled from whatever he'd been writing on the paper that the clipboard held. He blinked lazily,

"Edward." He said in a monotone voice, Ed recognised it as being his authoritative voice. This persona of Mustang's was reserved for the military, more specifically, for the people outside of Roy's subordinates and few trusted friends within the military.

There was a childish part of Edward that would have once relished the chance to undermine Mustang's authority with some sarcastic comment or by doing something that would make the older man look bad in front of another high ranking officer. Back then it had all be fun and games and he'd once heard Mustang dismiss his behaviour as 'he's a child and a prodigy, I just remind myself of that whenever I'm tempted to court martial him'. It'd be a joke and that was okay, because that was how their work relationship had been…when he was a kid and Roy wasn't on the verge of becoming Fuhrer.

Things were…different.

Edward took the pen cap out of his mouth,

"General Mustang." He greeted evenly and nodded once.

He watched as Roy raised an eyebrow and there was a slight hint of a smirk on his face but it disappeared when the other General spoke again and Mustang looked at him,

"You allow a civilian to loiter in your offices," the man's lip curled up, "isn't that against military protocol, General?" He asked smartly with a glance at the other soldiers in the office, all still at attention except for Hawkeye who stood at rest.

Mustang didn't seem bothered by the subtle smartass question, which didn't surprise Edward…or Hawkeye since Ed could see a hint of amusement in her face. No, Roy was already running things in the military and everyone, including the disgruntled Lieutenant General, knew it.

"General Le Roux, I don't believe you've ever met Edward Elric," Mustang said evenly with a smirk, "far from a common civilian, Edward is  **the**  Fullmetal Alchemist." Roy's tone was prideful and Edward felt proud too at the way he said it. There was something about hearing that name said by Roy, who knew he no longer had alchemy, with such confidence that it made him feel better about himself.

 _'Al knows about my alchemy now too.'_  It felt like a weight off his shoulders, not having to hide from his brother anymore. He enjoyed the look of brief shock and then realisation on Le Roux's face before the older man squared his shoulders and folded his arms behind his back, trying to look unruffled,

"I see, I didn't realise he was still affiliated with the military, I'd heard he resigned." He glanced from Edward to Mustang.

Roy was about to say something but Edward beat him to it, willing to be respectful to Roy but he wasn't obligated to give a shit about anyone else in the military,

"I'm not affiliated with the military," he made that clear, despite his recent uncertainty about re-joining, he was not there about military business, "I'm just here to see Mustang…" he glanced at Roy, "…if you have a minute, General." He added lightly.

Mustang smiled at him in that  _weird_  way, only briefly and very subtly, but still Edward worried Fuery or Breda had seen it since they were facing the same direction as him,

"Of course I do," he said smoothly and turned to the Lieutenant General, "Major Hawkeye has the documents you came to fetch, she'll give them to you," he glanced at Hawkeye who nodded once and then he turned on his and walked in the direction of his office doors, "good day General Le Roux, Edward…" he said Ed's name by way of letting Ed know he could follow.

With a huff Edward stood up and dropped the pen and cap on the desk before he walked toward the doors. He slipped his hands into his pockets and flashed the irritated General a smirk before he walked through the open door and pushed it shut behind him with his foot.

"That never gets old." He had to say as his eyes fell on Mustang where the older man was just sitting down in his chair. Roy smirked slightly, Edward couldn't make him out too clearly until he walked closer because of the bright sunlight streaming in from the windows behind the desk,

"I actually expected a lot worse." Roy chuckled, moving his chair into the desk where he leaned his elbows and steepled his hands, Edward recognised it as a habit.

Ed raised his eyebrows lazily and stood at the desk opposite Roy,

"Yeah, me too…but I guess I respect you enough now to behave myself, funny how that worked out." He smirked.

"It's obviously my charm, while you are stubborn, you are not immune."

Edward snorted and crossed his arms over his chest,

"Nah, I can do without your smooth talking, slick-shit attitude…but I can't say I don't think you're gonna make a great Fuhrer…" Mustang looked at him as if the direct compliment had come as a shock and Ed quickly continued before Roy could say anything, "…I just came by to see what would happen about me skipping work today."

Roy frowned slightly and then shook his head and sighed, for a second he looked like he had a lot on his mind, before he looked back to Edward,

"Firstly and more importantly, I assumed you found Alphonse since I know you would have contacted me if you hadn't?" it was a question, but Roy knew the answer so Edward nodded,

"Found him, so about work?" he changed the subject quickly, coughing into his hand once afterward.

Mustang gave him a brief annoyed look but then it faded to resignation and Edward was glad Roy took the obvious hint that Alphonse was still not up for discussion, he drummed his fingers together,

"I was supposed to tell you yesterday when I came to see you that the project has been handed over." He sighed and Edward frowned, "The board decided it'd be better in the end to get an alchemist to create the building, more reliable, less room for error, more cost effective and all that…" he waved his hand in dismissal of the rest of the minor details, "…and they wanted  **you**  to take over and finish the building yourself with a few other support alchemists."

Edward didn't interrupt him, he let Mustang drawl out the entire explanation in his bored way,

" _But_  I told them you wouldn't be interested, I said you weren't called the 'alchemist of the people' for nothing and that you'd only wanted to be involved in the project because it had been good for job creation, private business development etcetera…etcetera…" Mustang blinked slowly and Edward raised an eyebrow,

"So you got me out of the project but I'm unemployed." He finished.

Roy smiled, looking pleased about something,

"Yes  **but**..." he paused for dramatics and Edward nearly rolled his eyes, "…I made sure they realised they were breaching a work contract with the Fullmetal Alchemist, the people's hero," Edward cringed inwardly, it was nice sometimes to be praised, but other times it got on his nerves, "and stressed just how bad that would look for the military at a time when serving the people as a united and fair government was crucial. With that argument, I persuaded them to fully honour your contract instead of them negotiating with you so they wouldn't have to pay you out." He finished, obviously happy with his sly negotiation skills.

Edward was impressed despite himself,

"That's…that's 7 months of pay." He mumbled.

Roy nodded,

"Yes, consider yourself lucky, usually they'd have taken advantage of every loophole available to avoid paying someone out for services not yet rendered but contractually agreed to." He leaned his chin on the back of his hands.

"They severed the agreement, they should pay me." Ed said stubbornly but honestly he felt irritated, there was a time when being unemployed sounded wonderful…but with everything going on, all of that free time alone with nothing but his thoughts to drive him crazy just scared him.

 _'But things might be different, if Al really meant what he said then he won't get sick anymore, then he'll really be happy and things will be better between us.'_  He tried to think positively as he stared at Roy's desk and rubbed a hand over his mouth absently.

"And they will, I've made sure of it. It's a relatively big sum though, so give it a few days…" Roy sounded distracted and when Edward looked at him again he was busy looking through some paperwork.

Edward wanted to say 'I don't care about the Cenz' but that'd be stupid, having more Cenz was in no way a bad thing, ever. But he did need work,

"Okay…but uh…what about work?" he stared at the top of Roy's head until the older man looked up at him,

"You…you want to work despite getting paid for work you don't have to do?" he asked in a flat voice.

Edward looked away and scratched his neck,

"I can't sit around and do nothing…" he mumbled.

"I understand that but I would have expected your restlessness to kick in much later on, not right away." He said as he tapped the back of a pen he'd picked up against the desk.

Edward knew what he meant, and he wasn't wrong. Not long ago Edward would have taken the Cenz to go researching and travelling. But now he had a place of residence, a home and responsibilities and he still had  **Alphonse** , he hadn't lost him.

_'Maybe we should go travelling together.'_

"It's no problem though," Mustang said distractedly again as he dug through one of his drawers looking for something, "I'll look for another project if you really want. It might take a while though, could be days, weeks…I'll let you know when I have some options lined up." He pulled a military stamp and pad out and set it down before he picked up a stack of documents, his eyes remained downward on his work.

It occurred to Edward then that Roy was busy and he decided he should leave before Roy had to ask him to or had to leave the office again. Edward reached into his pocket and pulled out Mustang's car keys as well as a folded piece of paper from his back pocket, the array for the publication, and he dropped them on the table noisily enough that Mustang looked up to acknowledge what he'd put down,

"Okay, thanks…I'll get going." He said casually and Roy smiled at him, nodding before Edward turned around and headed to the doors.

He had his hand on the door knob when Roy spoke up,

"Is he okay, Edward? Are both of you okay?" the question was just audible.

Ed sighed quietly, his shoulders raising and falling slightly and he didn't turn around,

"Yeah, for now anyway." He responded and then pulled the door open and walked out.

* * *

_I can't keep your voice out of my head  
All I hear are the many echoes of  
The darkest words you said..._

* * *

When Edward returned home a half an hour later, the last thing he'd expected to walk into was the aroma of  _food_ , homemade food, and the sound of the radio playing pleasant music. He raised his eyebrows as he closed the door and started to step out of his boots, and when he did so he remembered the day before and looked down at the floor to see the tiles were spotless white, the muddy shoe prints were cleaned up.

He shrugged his black jacket off –the weather was still chilly, overcast and windy- and hung it up in the closet after tossing his boots in there. When he closed the closet door he took a second to rub at his thigh around the port. He'd taken quite a few of the strongest painkillers they had in the apartment that morning before he'd left and the very fact that he was starting to feel twinges of pain when it hadn't even been four hours told him his stump wasn't in great shape and walking around on it wasn't the best idea, especially not walking all the way back from HQ.

 _'I should seriously consider buying a car.'_  But even thinking it didn't mean much because he knew he was only whining due to his automail hurting him, on any normal day the walk would have been easy and quick.

He decided then that he'd spend the rest of the day off his feet, he knew it'd be better to take good care of his automail since going to see his mechanic wasn't an option. Thinking of Winry just reminded him that a lot of things were still in need of straightening out. He swallowed sorely as he walked forward and peered into the empty lounge, a bad case of post nasal drip and a sore throat was all he suffered after his stint in the rain the day before.

It wasn't luck though, he'd always had a strong immune system and never did take sick easily, his automail was definitely the worst cause and factor of any of his body aches and pains, but what didn't kill him only made him stronger. He snorted quietly at the cliché thought and managed to barely limp when he walked into the hall in search of Al. He stopped at the kitchen entrance and Alphonse had just turned around with a pan held in one hand and a spatula in the other when he spotted Edward and smiled,

"Perfect timing, it's almost done…" he said as he stuck the spatula into the pan and pushed the contents around, from the pan came a sizzling sound.

Alphonse turned around and set the pan back on the burner,

"I just have to add in the spaghetti and the balsamic vinegar and it'll be ready to eat…" he said as he picked up the pepper shaker and tossed some into the pan, "…its chicken stir fry." He added after he'd finished.

Edward stared at him, once again thrown by the sheer  _normalcy_ ,

"Uh, okay…do you need any help?" he asked uncertainly.

Alphonse shook his head,

"No, it's done already." He said and Ed watched him pick up a colander out of the sink in which he assumed was the pasta.

Edward just nodded even though Alphonse wasn't looking at him and he walked into the kitchen from the doorway. He started taking out plates and glasses and cutlery automatically, setting two places at the table in his usual way, nothing fancy. By the time he'd taken a beer out of the fridge for himself –might as well drink them- Alphonse was done. He was standing with the pan in one hand and spaghetti tongs holding a helping of stir fry pasta in its clutch in the other, but it was hovering over the plate…because Al's eyes were on the beer Ed had not yet even taken all the way out of the fridge.

Edward sighed quietly and ignored the look,

"Do you want a beer or a soda, Al?" he asked, not letting the worried look on Al's face bother him.

No matter how simple he'd have liked it all to be, nothing could be that easy…and Ed wanted a beer, so he'd have one. He didn't know if Al was suddenly without any stress or anxiety at all, but he certainly wasn't…no, he felt like he was walking on egg shells and every crack under foot was one step closer to the next time everything fell apart.

It had become so familiar, the tension, the uncertainty.

Alphonse's worried look didn't leave his face but he didn't scowl or look sulky either, he just continued to dish the pasta into their plates,

"Soda please, I can't…drink alcohol, because I'm taking medication." He admitted and Edward gripped the bottle neck tightly and paused in reaching into the fridge for the soda. That was the first time Alphonse had mentioned it to him, in all the time he'd been taking it, not once had he brought it up. Al had hidden the pills away in his wardrobe and bedside drawer, Ed only knew about them because he'd given into the urge to snoop that one time…but now…why now?

 _'Because things are different.'_  He swallowed sorely and stood up straight as he closed the fridge, beer in one hand and the soda can in the other,

"Uh, what medication?" he asked as gently as he could, wanting to see if Al would be honest about the high level prescription meds he was taking, Ed wanted to test his honesty.

Alphonse set the pan and the dishing utensil down on the table and pulled a chair back so he could sit,

"Diazepam, they're for anxiety…" he said quietly as he sat down and ran his hand lightly through his hair, "…but I'm starting to take smaller doses, I want to stop using them by the end of next week if I can." He was fidgeting, Edward noticed because the hand in his hair remained and he twirled a section of his bangs in his fingers. But his answer was honest.

 _'Sore subject...'_  Ed surmised and decided not to ask anything else since Alphonse had said he was going to try to wean himself off the meds which was the important thing. It also let Edward know the younger blonde was feeling more confident about getting well if he wanted to kick the meds and it gave Ed hope that all of this was happening for real.

On that note he stepped up to a chair across from Al where his lunch setting had been placed and put the can and bottle down between their settings before he sat down,

"I'm here if you want any help, or if you need anything." He offered and suddenly felt like his words were rehearsed and overused, it was an odd feeling but Alphonse just glanced at him as he forked up a piece of chicken and some pasta, smiled and then ate his forkful.

Edward took a moment to watch Alphonse chew, the younger blonde's eyes were down on his meal as he pushed the stir fry around and the Ed felt like he was somehow…doing something wrong. Because even though Alphonse was making leaps and bounds in being brotherly and normal, Edward felt like something didn't fit. He blinked himself out of his thoughts and picked up his fork, decided it was more than likely just the speed at which the change was happening that was throwing him off.

All that  _wrong_  had taken so long and been so painful to endure, now the  _right_ was just being slipped in so easily and while he wanted to give up on being cynical and just jump in naively and be happy without all the angst and drama, he just couldn't, not yet.

The kitchen was filled with soft clinks of cutlery and the occasional crunch of some stir fry veggies being chewed on as they ate without a need for conversation, but the silence was only comfortable because of the music filtering into the kitchen from the lounge.

Edward had almost cleaned his plate when he decided to break the silence, he reached for his beer which he'd opened at some point during the meal,

"This tastes really great Al, thanks." He said in a neutral voice, one he'd have used on any ordinary day in the past, a voice he hardly spoke in anymore,

"You're welcome, Brother." Alphonse said after he swallowed a mouthful, smiling slightly.

Edward worried his lip with his teeth, holding the bottle a few inches from his lips as he stared at Al again, perplexed and concerned and happy and confused all at once. The younger blonde was once again looking down at his meal and chewing quietly and Edward frowned slightly and put his fork and beer down before he rubbed the back of his knuckles over his lips, trying and failing to figure out just why something didn't feel right when this was the first time there'd been no tension between them in a long time.

"So where did you go today, Brother?" Alphonse spoke, raising his head and Edward blinked at him and curled his fingers into a loose fist before he lowered his hand from his mouth and chose to be honest, interested in Alphonse's potential reaction,

"I went to see Roy at HQ." he used Roy's name purposely, hating the incessant need to test Al's breaking point but after all this time, he was expecting it to happen and he couldn't help it. He raised his eyebrows when Al smiled slightly, moving some greens around on his plate absently as he maintained easy and sincere eye contact,

"I hope you thanked him for helping us yesterday, but I'll thank him myself whenever I see him again." Alphonse reached for his soda and sipped from it.

Edward looked carefully and while he saw something similar to embarrassment in Al's face, most likely over stupidity of the incident the day before, he didn't see any of the disgust or anger that had been so obvious before. Not even the jealousy Al had admitted to was present…Al looked a bit tired still but overall, the scowl and misery that had been reflecting his inner feelings on the subject of Roy before… were  _gone_.

It couldn't really be so easy…could it? If it were that simple then Edward wanted to kick himself, if all it would have taken to stop the ugliness that had been going on between them recently was for him to admit that he had no alchemy and why he had no alchemy, then he would have done it without hesitation, had he only known.

Funny, but not in any way he'd ever find amusing, that the secret he'd feared would drive the final and biggest rift between them had actually turned out to be the thing that had brought them back together.

"Uh, yeah, I did…" he lied in a way, since he had thanked Mustang, just not when he'd seen him earlier, "…he asked how you were doing." He added by way of conversation, feeling awkward for no reason at all since Al seemed totally at ease.

It was frustrating.

Alphonse abandoned the last of his food in favour of sipping occasionally from his soda, he lowered the can from his lips when Edward had finished responding,

"He really is very supportive," Al licked his lips and Edward watched him do so, "I didn't deserve any of his kindness yesterday, I need to apologise for the way I spoke to him as well, I was so rude." He mumbled and followed it with a sigh, rubbing a hand over the side of his face.

Edward shook his head and leaned his elbows on the table,

"You don't have to, he's not gonna hold anything against you Al. Mustang's a good guy in his own annoying way," he smirked and Al managed a small smile, "and he knew about my…" Ed paused, it would be the first time he said it openly, "…he knew I hadn't told you about sacrificing my alchemy and that your anger toward me yesterday was completely justified." His throat had tightened up a bit and he swallowed sorely, repressing a cough.

He expected Alphonse to say something about the alchemy sacrifice, because he still didn't think it was possible that Al was just  _over_  it so easily. But Alphonse surprised him yet again,

"My anger was  **not** justified, I blew the whole thing out of proportion because of everything else that was going on between us." He said it so casually that Ed had to force himself not to frown since Al was looking right at him –always maintaining eye contact-, "Upon reflection," he said with a quirky smile, "I could have behaved less like a volatile, bipolar teenager and more like the 22 year old that I am." He giggled.

Edward's stomach fluttered and he felt his fingertips go numb, it was shock, he was shocked by the fact that Al was  **joking**  about it. Wasn't it too soon? Or was Edward just slow to catch up…?

He didn't smile though, when Al's smile was real it was harder for him to fake his own so he didn't try. He was about to say something when Alphonse spoke,

"Oh, and I stopped by the pharmacy on my way home earlier and picked up some more pain killers as well as antiseptic healing ointment for the skin irritation and chafing I'm sure you have around your automail port…" he didn't have to say sorry, his expression was plainly rueful as he spoke and Edward nodded numbly,

"Thanks, Alphonse." he mumbled.

He watched as Alphonse gathered up the dishes, Edward thought about Elizabeth after Al mentioned himself coming home because he knew the younger blonde had gone to see his girlfriend that morning. He raised an eyebrow when he remembered he hadn't let her know that Al was okay the day before,

"How was Elizabeth?" he noticed the slightest tensing in Al's hand as he picked up Ed's plate but it was fleeting and Edward continued after a beat, "I went by there yesterday before I found you here, I told her we'd let her know you okay when I found you but I forgot." He lied on the last bit, he hadn't forgotten, he just hadn't given a crap.

Alphonse's back was to him as he walked to the sink and put the plates down,

"She mentioned that you came there…" he mumbled and then turned around with a small smile on his face, "…she was okay about it, she'd been a bit worried but she's a logical girl, she figured no news was good news and she was right." He said and Edward noticed the usual fondness in Al's tone when he spoke about her was mixed with sadness.

It was strange since Al had always been neutral and had good vibes whenever he talked about her,

"Everything okay, Al?" Ed felt like he needed to ask.

Alphonse had been busying himself taking the soda can and almost finished beer off the table when he stopped and the sad smile left his face.

For a split second Edward's insides tensed up and he thought 'here it comes', he was sure Al was about to shatter the illusion of happiness that'd been slowly rebuilding. The younger blonde sighed slowly,

"Elizabeth and I…are…we're broken up, Ed." He said at the end of the exhale and then slowly continued with what he was doing.

Edward belatedly realised his mouth had fallen open because he was more aware of a subconscious tension and stress leaving him at hearing Al's words. He hadn't even known that Alphonse's relationship had been weighing so heavily on him. He closed his mouth when Al turned away from the sink where he'd emptied the can and bottle and headed towards the kitchen dust bin,

"Are, are you okay?" he asked, coughing a bit afterward and wondering if Al was hurt by the break up because if he was Edward would be angry…at himself and Elizabeth.

Alphonse turned to face him after tossing out the empty can and bottle,

"I am, but I just hope she is…she said she was fine but I'm still worried…" his face contorted to reflect his guilt and he looked like he had more to say but he was hesitant.

Edward prompted him,

"Al, you can talk to me." He said with gentle encouragement, he was hopeful as well because if they were really fixing their brotherhood then Al would be comfortable with telling him anything….and he knew he had to be fine with listening no matter what it was.

The younger blonde walked over slowly and pulled out the chair beside where Edward sat, he sat down a bit heavily, facing Ed at a side angle on the seat,

"I did an awful thing to her…" he said quietly and Edward frowned, "…by breaking up with her so soon after I…after we slept together." The quiet honesty of his words was different to when he'd spat that confession at Edward the day before but it still hurt to be reminded that Al had shared his body with someone else.

Still, even though the thought upset him far too much, he didn't focus on the part about them sleeping together, what affected him most was the middle part,

"You broke up with her?" he hadn't assumed that was what had happened because Al was the one who'd asked her out in the first place. So why would Al break up with his girlfriend right after saying he wanted to go back to normal?

Al nodded and turned into the table, leaning his elbows on the surface,

"Yeah, I had to Ed, it was only fair since I asked her out for the  _wrong_  reasons to begin with." He mumbled, glancing meaningfully at Edward with a sad frown. Edward felt several stabs of guilt when he realised what Alphonse was talking about,

"Did…did you only ask her out because of what we talked about at Gracia's party, because I said it was for the best?" he half mumbled, connecting the dots in that order because Al had said he'd asked her to be his girlfriend very soon after that.

Alphonse nodded slowly and then rubbed the side of his neck, keeping his eyes on the table,

"But it doesn't matter now, what's done is done and she said she still wanted to be friends so I hope she meant it. I just to wait and see what will happen when I see her again. I hope she's okay." he sighed. Edward smiled, small and genuine, despite the guilt and confusion he had over his mixed feelings for his brother,

"So you do like her, huh, just not like  _that_?" he asked quietly, he knew he shouldn't feel so good about that fact but he did. Al nodded again and the after a few silent seconds he smiled,

"What about you?"

Edward was having an internal conflict over being happy that Al was broken up with his girlfriend when he should have been sad, so he didn't register the question right away. But when Al turned to look at him with raised eyebrows and leaned his chin in his hand Edward played the last question back through his mind and frowned,

"What about me, what?" he had no clue what Al meant.

Alphonse's smile faltered but it was still real,

"Do you…like Roy Mustang like  _that_?"

Ed blinked stupidly, surprised by the vaguely teasing –brotherly- tone of Al's voice and also by the question itself. He shook his head and coughed lightly when his throat tickled,

"No, I told you there's nothing going on with me and Mustang." He felt a bit tense again and it frustrated him because there was no reason to, Alphonse was calm and curious and there was no hostility or accusation in his face or voice,

"That's not what I asked, Brother…" and that last word got him every time, hook line and sinker, because it rolled off Al's tongue so sweetly and naturally, just like it always had and he loved hearing it, "…I asked if you like him in that way." He pointed out with a raised eyebrow, still resting his chin in his hand.

Edward had to breathe slowly as he stared into Al's face, his logic was starting to turn to positive thinking and he was letting himself fall for the brother he'd missed so badly. He didn't want to  _believe_  it only to have it ripped away again, but Al seemed so sincere…things almost felt like old times.

Again he shook his head,

"No, I don't." he didn't, not as anything more than a friend.

 _'I'm in love with you and it's your fault…because I would never have felt this…if we hadn't…'_  he thought but would never say aloud, because admitting something so useless would only cause trouble, especially now.

It was almost impossible to remember what it had felt like to look at Alphonse in a completely platonic way, he really couldn't make himself forget...forget the things they'd done.

Al didn't look disappointed at all in his answer, he just shrugged and scratched at the plastic covering of the table top with his free hand,

"I know I said he's old and gross but I was just angry, I actually think you and him would make a good looking couple." His voice tightened up toward the end, barely noticeable but still present.

Edward would have doubled back and gaped indignantly a few weeks ago at hearing something like that, but since having experienced Roy Mustang's intimate kiss and having enjoyed it on a purely physical level, he would never again overreact to the notion of himself being with that man,

"Me and that bastard? Never, not in a million years." but that didn't mean he wouldn't say anything mean at all.

Al glanced at him,  
"I wouldn't be so sure of that, especially since you're blushing." he teased with a new smile, showing just a few of his teeth and Edward mock glared at him,

"I'm not blushing." He stated honestly, his face wasn't even warm…

…but he did have butterflies in his stomach because Al was grinning toothily at him and he laughed just a bit.

They sat in silence for only a few seconds before Al spoke again,

"I was thinking, when you're not working some time, maybe on the weekend, we could do something. I was thinking about signing us up for a music class, I really want to learn to play the piano." He looked enthusiastic, that was another emotion Ed hadn't seen from him in weeks.

He nodded absently, staring calmly at Alphonse,

"Yeah of course, Al…" then he remembered something, "…uh, we can do it any time you want. I'm not gonna be working for a while." He informed the younger blonde who frowned but then smiled a second later,

"Oh, that's great then, maybe we can go tomorrow." He shifted in his seat and turned his body to face Ed again, "Thanks, Brother." He practically beamed.

The slight bags still lingering under his eyes and the remaining sallowness of his skin didn't take away from the boyish smile on his face and it only added to the warmth and fluttering in Edward's stomach,

"Don't thank me, Al, I'd be happy to do it." he said quietly, swallowed sorely and his words were absolutely true.

For the first time in a long time…Edward felt  _happy_.

Alphonse nodded quickly and then stood up, still smiling,

"We have ice cream, I'll get us some and you can tell me about your work and why they fired you." He quipped, clearly amused, as he walked over to the fridge. Edward caught on quickly to the teasing words,

"Hey!" he protested the jibe but he was fighting off a smile and his tone of voice was amused as well and his heart beat just a bit quicker when Al laughed again…

…the conversation that followed lasted a while longer and they didn't talk about anything serious, they didn't need to or want to and Edward hoped that they wouldn't have to again for a long time, because he felt happy and Al looked it too, and just right then, things were just as they should have been.

* * *

_And it's driving me crazy..._

* * *

It really did seem too simple…but Edward wasn't complaining.

The next day. Tuesday, Al had signed them up for a music class and they'd attended it late that afternoon after the younger blonde came home from university. And as he'd watched Alphonse catch onto the basics of piano faster than was probably expected by the teacher, he embraced the moment completely. Imprinting it to his mind permanently, the sight of Alphonse smiling and playing back music he was learning to read off a sheet as he sat with the teacher was heartwarming, a little painful, but in a good way.

Edward himself had taken a back seat for most of the lesson, not bothering to go over and get any lessons on guitar like Al had suggested he do until the lesson was almost over and even then, he'd hardly paid attention.

He was too caught up, everything felt sort of cloud nine-like, surreal even and yet it was his reality for the moment.

And that reality started to become more believable as the days passed, Tuesday slipped into Wednesday and sleep came easier to help the transition along. They ate breakfast together and Al went off to university, he'd told Ed that things with Elizabeth were a little awkward but not all bad and he'd seemed relieved about that.

Edward had gone out that morning as well, to HQ to sign the release forms for the publication and he was glad that Mustang had been busy and unable to talk much because he'd been able to just ink his signature and leave. After that he passed his day at home tidying the apartment and reading his new books and when Al came home at about 3 PM, they'd gone out to do some proper grocery shopping together.

It didn't make sense how  _easily_  they'd actually fallen back into brotherly talking and teasing, there was no unnecessary physical contact, there was no moodiness, there was no hiding away from anyone or each other…

…and Edward found it ironic how'd he'd been so certain things could never be the same again between them and yet they were going on as if  **nothing**  had happened and changed their lives.

Alphonse still shopped as Edward remembered, he read the labels of  _everything_  before he put it in the cart and he insisted on going down every aisle, dragging Edward –who liked a more get in, get specific stuff and get out scenario. But he didn't complain, he had no complaints at all. He also made a point to ignore every single inappropriate thought he had about his younger sibling and all the frustrating butterflies and tingles he was experiencing whenever Al laughed or smiled.

Wednesday evening after take out supper was comfortable as well and Edward wasn't upset in the least when Alphonse admitted to having gone through his safe and having seen all of his alchemic work. He actually beat Al to the punch with an apology for hiding it in the first place and when Al followed up with his own apology it wasn't even weird for them to laugh about it. How it seemed so trivial and silly all of a sudden, Edward didn't know, but he was glad and that night he opened his safe and brought all of his work out.

To show it to Alphonse just like he'd wanted to for so long.

He and Al sat for hours going through everything and as the time ticked by, Edward was distracted by the sight of Alphonse's smiles, his hand gestures and his occasional laugh. He noticed the steady line of Al's slender hands as he wrote down notes, ideas and changes on some of the equations. Edward watched his adams apple shift under the fair skin of his throat every time he swallowed down gulps of the hot chocolate they'd made, he noticed the way Al's hair smoothed down at the nape of his neck, even blonde fading into skin Ed knew was soft. He listened to the chipper tone of his voice as Al talked, watched his mouth form the words…

It was like some sort of self-torture, because he didn't want to stop watching, he was enjoying the sight, even though he was disturbed by the lingering unnatural affections he was experiencing every second.

He hadn't slept so well Wednesday night.

* * *

_I can't find the best in all of this..._

* * *

Thursday's weather was better and Ed noticed that his automail port didn't hurt as badly. When he'd taken a shower that morning he'd been relieved to see the skin around the port wasn't as inflamed or as sore anymore. He was grateful for the healing cream Al had bought him, it was fast working and coupled with the pain killers, it made waking up to a stiff automail attachment and an aching thigh more tolerable. Having a better morning made him feel positive about the rest of the day, especially after having had a restless night.

It was around midday, after lying in bed until 10 and having a late breakfast with Alphonse, that he was sitting on the closed toilet lid with the clothes hamper and a basket on the floor in front of him, he was sorting washing.

Edward loathed domestic chores but it was only because he'd been spoiled with alchemy as a teenager. He'd used it to clean his clothes, clean his dishes, clean just about everything. The only thing he never minded was taking showers to clean himself because something about washing with water and soap always felt better. He remembered with a small smile that Alphonse used to insist that the same logic be applied to clothes, dishes and living space as well.

It was kind of funny back then that Al was so domesticated and meticulous about tidiness and organization even when he hadn't even had a body and they hadn't even had a living space. As Ed moved the dirty dark clothes from the hamper to the basket so he could take it downstairs to the laundry room, he realized with the same small smile that nothing had changed in his younger brother with regards to that.

At that moment he could hear Alphonse sweeping in the hall when dust could be easily removed with a clap of his hands. The younger blonde had decided not to go to university that morning, saying that he had a long paper to write and no really important classes he couldn't afford to miss. But he'd also said he would write the paper later and somehow wheedled Ed into helping him clean –that damn smile. And so Al had been tidying, dusting and organizing all morning while Edward pitched in where he could, he was amused because Al had even been singing along to some of the songs on the radio. Edward was glad he'd bought it and that it was being put to good use, moreover, he was glad Al liked it.

Something as simple as a radio was helping them move forward, helping change the once cold and uncomfortable atmosphere of the apartment. For the first time since they'd moved in, it was starting to feel like a home.

It was both sad and wonderful.

He pulled the last two pairs of black jeans out of the hamper and dropped them into the basket before he pushed the hamper back into the corner beside the bath where it belonged with a bare foot. He stood up with the slightest grimace from the fading pain in his leg and then he stepped over to the vanity cupboards to take out the laundry detergent. He leaned over and picked the basket up and left the bathroom, putting the detergent inside the basket.

Alphonse paused in his sweeping to let Edward pass and they shared a small mutually at ease smile and Ed walked to the main door. He shifted the basket to one hand and balanced it against his side so he could open the closet door and take out some shoes. He decided to put on a pair of Al's loafers since they'd be easy to slip into and out of when he came back up in a few minutes. So he put the basket down and took the shoes out of the closet before he put them on his feet and frowned,

"Damn Alphonse, how do you wear these shoes all the time, they're so tight." He complained audibly, since he was used to comfortable boots and hardly wore restrictive narrow footwear.

He was just picking the basket up again when Alphonse responded,

"Maybe you just have big feet, Brother."

Edward made a childish face, had he been as immature as when he was younger he would have sputtered indignantly and told Alphonse his shoe size was exactly the same as Al's, if anything Alphonse's skinny feet were just a bit longer than his own. But he wasn't a kid, so he didn't sputter but he did respond,

"Yeah well, your head is big." He grinned and pulled the door open.

As he stepped out Alphonse came around the corner to glare at him,

"I do  **not**  have a big head." His eyes were narrowed slightly, his mouth set in something similar to a pout and Edward raised his eyebrows casually, trying not to laugh out loud at Alphonse's expression,

"No, not anymore, you grew into it." he quickly closed the door and snickered as he made his way down the hall.

He expected he'd probably get thwacked with a the broomstick or a fist in his arm when he got back upstairs, he didn't know if Al would remember right away, but when they'd been kids Edward used to call him big head all the time and Alphonse had always sulked about it back then. When Al did remember, Ed didn't doubt he'd have earned himself some pay back.

It was good…things felt good and while he had the ever present concern that it wouldn't stay that way, he was doing his best not to let it get to him and just enjoy life and the luck it was bringing him.

He reached the laundry room and chose a machine before he placed his basket on the unused one next to it and opened the top so he could start unpacking the dirty laundry into it. He went through the process methodically, turning the clothes inside out the way he'd learned to do from living with the Rockbells for a while and also checking the pockets for anything.

He found some spare change, some wrinkled receipts and a folded flyer in his own pockets, of course, there was nothing in any of Al's pockets. He shook his head at the amusing differences they had, small things that only they knew about because they lived together and knew each other so well. He ignored the longing feeling that settled in his chest and closed the washing machine after putting the last item in along with some detergent. He switched the machine on and then proceeded to put the change into his currently worn jeans pocket –where he'd likely forget it again- and squashed up the receipts. He was walking over to the small bin that was left in the laundry room for people to throw away junk from their pockets, lint and whatever else they happened to need to get rid of, as he opened up the folded bright white and red flyer paper.

He paused when he reached the bin, absently throwing the receipt papers away as he read over the flyer again and he smiled, he really was having some luck. The flyer was for the Drachman Carnival that was being hosted in Central from Friday and through the weekend and considering the vast amount of activities mentioned, the different people and cultural wealth that would be there, coupled with the overall social atmosphere of a large event like that, he just knew that Alphonse would love to go.

* * *

  
_But I'm always looking out for you_   
_'Cause you're the one I miss_   
_And it's driving me crazy..._   


* * *

"Wow, Brother look at the  **size**  of the Ferris wheel! It's at least three times the size of the one that Central had at the annual fair the last time we attended." Alphonse said with awe in his voice as they walked under the massive banner stand that served as the entrance to the -very- crowded carnival area.

The school grounds was a very large open space and looking over all the huge erected pavilions, amusement rides, game stands, large decorative displays and colorful lights, Edward could see the actual buildings of the school which seemed quite far away. He raised his eyebrows, impressed at the sheer size of the grounds and the surrounding area, he was also amazed at the turnout of people, local and foreign.

There had to a few thousand people there.

Since the event was being hosted on the outskirts of Central, so far from the city center, Edward had expected far fewer people to show up. But the throngs of people walking around in couples, families and groups, all smiling and excited, told Ed that people were keener about border peace and cultural sharing than he'd expected.

It was a good thing and made him feel proud of Roy for all the good he was doing, and all the good Grumman had done as well. Things were really different now…

"Yeah, it's huge." He agreed loudly and stared up at the brightly lit and structurally intimidating Ferris wheel looming over the area, it was rotating slowly and silently in all the noise and music going on around them and since the night sky was black, the lights decorating it were sort of mesmerizing and seemed to be floating.

The Friday night weather was nice, there was a pleasant cool breeze but it wasn't cold and both Al and Edward wore long sleeve shirts, black for Edward and beige for Alphonse. Ed had decided to wear a pair of his hardly used leather pants and his usual boots and Alphonse wore a pair of straight fit black chinos with his –uncomfortable- shiny black loafers.

"We have to go on it, Ed, in fact, we have to try  _everything_  while we're here." Alphonse said with a grin. They'd walked further into the crowds and were passing some food stalls, but while it smelled good Edward raised an eyebrow at some of the unrecognizable foods,

"That's probably not possible Al, this place is huge and packed with stuff to do, we can't get through it all in a couple of hours." He reasoned, since it was almost 8 PM and the carnival would close at midnight. He looked at large tent as they passed; he could see into the opening and inside many people were partaking in some kind of game that looked like it included drinking.

"We bought weekend passes; we can come back tomorrow since we'll have all day instead of just the night." Alphonse said cheerily, solving the problem of time.

Edward just shrugged and smiled, he really didn't mind, not when Alphonse was grinning and his eyes were so wide and bright, catching the colors of the hundreds of lights high above them and along the walking paths.

"Brother, look."

Ed turned to look at Alphonse beside him only to see the younger blonde heading over to a booth. He followed quickly with his hands in his pockets, ponytail swinging behind him and came to stop beside Alphonse. The younger blonde was looking through different traditional Drachman furry hats that were on sale at the booth.

"I've seen the Drachmans wearing these in Amestris' history books." Al commented with a smile as he examined the material and Edward picked up a white hat and felt it as well, it was a soft material.  
"I can help you?" the man inside the booth asked with a salesman smile.

He was middle aged, heavily bearded and pale in complexion and from his statement-like question, heavily distorted by his accent, it was obvious he didn't have a good grasp on the Amestrian language. Alphonse looked at him with a smile,

"Hello, how much is this hat?"

The man blinked and Ed could tell he was trying to figure out what Al had asked, so he decided to help with the lack of language understanding,

"Skol'ko za shlyapU?"  _(How much for the hat?)_  he repeated Al's question in Drachman.

The man raised his eyebrows –so did Al- and nodded, understanding,

"Dve tysyachi."  _(Two thousand)_  The man said and raised two fingers.

Edward cocked an eyebrow as he fingered the ear flaps of the hat he was holding,

"Cenz?" he enquired and the man hesitated only a second before he nodded.

Alphonse looked pleasantly amused as Ed went on,

"Eto slishkom dorogo, tysyachu." _(It's too expensive, one thousand.)_  He bargained and the man's eyes narrowed, but he was smiling, probably impressed by an Amestrian fluent in his language and trying to barter with him.

Alphonse glanced between them, smiling interestedly.

The man considered Ed's offer then shook his head,

"Oni sdelany iz mekha krolika," _(They are made of rabbit fur)_  he gestured to the hats displayed, "Ne meneye polutora tysyach."  _(Not less than one thousand five hundred)_  he said with a nod and folded his arms over his broad chest, smirking good naturedly.

Edward appreciated the man's friendly demeanour, he'd always heard Drachmans were hostile but this guy didn't seem that way. He felt the soft furry hat again and gave it a once over, it did look like good quality. He nodded,

"Okay."

The man nodded back and he grinned,

"Vyberite lyuboy ponravivshiysya."  _(Pick any one you like.)_

Edward smirked and turned to face Al who was staring at him with a curious and impressed look on his face. He loved having that smile directed at him and he felt like he might be glowing when his chest warmed,

"Pick any one you want, Al. I'll get it for you." He tipped his head to gesture at the hats.

Alphonse raised his eyebrows and looked from Edward to the hats and then to the man smiling at them from inside the booth,

"Ed, I was going to get it for myself, you don't have to buy it, I have Cenz."

"Don't be stupid, pick one." Ed said as firmly as he always did when it came to Cenz and Al's objections.

Alphonse looked like he was going to argue and Edward gave him an 'oh no you don't' glare which deflated his protest. With a small smile he turned back to the hats and looked them over, after some looking Al picked a black one similar to the white one Ed had been looking at with ear flaps,

"I like this one." He said, fingering the fur.

Edward nodded and looked back to the man as he reached into his back pocket for his money –his wallet was still at Roy's place-,

"My budem pokupat', chto odna."  _(We'll buy that one.)_  He said to the man when he gestured to the hat Al was holding and then started to count out the notes to pay the man.

He'd withdrawn Cenz from his bank account the day before specifically for the carnival, so the wad he carried was quite thick and he wished he had his wallet to carry it around. When he handed the money over the man smiled and nodded from him to Alphonse and the younger blonde grinned,

"Uh, thank you." He said in Amestrian and the man nodded again, not showing whether he understood or not.

Edward smirked,

"Spasibo." He told Alphonse quietly as he put his money back in his pocket.

The younger blonde blinked, grinned and then turned to the man in the booth,

"Spasibo." He held the hat up slightly when he thanked the man in his native language.

The man smirked,

"It is good." He said in accented Amestrian and Edward figured he was saying what the man understood in Amestrian to mean 'you're welcome'.

"Let's go, Al." he said to his brother and they both gave the man a single wave and smile before they started to walk away,

"Do you think I could put it on?" Alphonse asked, glancing around as if trying to see if anyone else was wearing one. Edward knew the hat was meant for extremely cold weather in Drachma so it wasn't likely anyone would be wearing it, all the same,

"If you want to, Al, it's up to you." He pushed his hands back into his pockets.

Alphonse smiled as he put it on,

"I like this hat, do I look stupid?" he asked with a snicker.

 _'You couldn't look stupid if you tried…'_  Ed thought sweetly.

Al actually looked cute with the ear flaps hanging down the sides of his angular face, it complimented the definition of his jaw and his bright gold eyes stood out when framed by the black fur,

"Nope, it looks good Al…it's called an  _Ushanka_ , by the way, it's sort of a Drachman military hat but I guess it's also worn casually since they're selling it without any insignia." He said as he looked at the hat on Al's head.

The younger blonde's silly smile turned to something fond and adoring and Edward could have melted,

"Thanks Ed…" he beamed, "…and I didn't know you spoke Drachman, what did you say to that man?" He asked as they continued walking and looking around. Edward shrugged,

"I was bargaining with him. When I lived in Creta I had to learn their language to communicate and when I was done with that, I started learning Xingese because I figured you were learning it, and when I got the basics of that down, I started on Drachman." He explained.

Alphonse's eyebrows went up before he frowned,

"And I can only speak Xingese, I feel kind of slow now." He mumbled.

Edward laughed quietly,

"I'm sure you speak it more fluently than me, I only learned the basics of Xingese before I moved on to Drachman."

"You speak Drachman well though, even your pronunciation sounded so accurate, that man had no trouble understanding you." Alphonse complimented, he had a strange smile on his face that Edward couldn't read,

"Thanks, Al." he mumbled back and then patted his stomach, "Wanna try some of their weird-ass food? I'm pretty hungry." he informed the younger blonde and Al nodded,

"Sure, just ask what it is before we eat it…" he said over the noise of the carnival as they walked off in search of a booth with some food that wasn't too unrecognisable, "…I had some bad experiences in Xing." Al made a face and Ed snickered.

He hadn't yet been able to get rid of the constant butterflies in his stomach and he hoped it was partly just hunger.

"Brother…" he heard Alphonse say a bit breathlessly and looked to his side to see no one, he stopped walking and turned around to frown at Alphonse. The younger blonde was staring over the pavilions and rides, looking into the distance, "…what is  **that**?" he asked with excited wonder in his voice.

Edward followed his gaze and had to squint because to him it just looked like more and more lights, so he walked over to where Al stood and strained to see past the lights. And then he saw it…on the other side of the school's massive grounds. It looked like some sort of…track built high up above the ground but the details were lost to the lights from that far away.

"I…I don't know." He admitted.

Alphonse turned to look at him,

"We have to go and see it." He said very seriously, face alight with glee and all Edward could do was nod…because Alphonse was so beautiful when he was happy.

* * *

  
_We'll stagger home after midnight_   
_Sleep arm-in-arm in the stairwell..._   


* * *

They'd made their way in the direction of the massive structure on the far side of the carnival at a gradual pace, passing many games and activities as they went. Alphonse looked like he wanted to stop at everything, but ultimately he had his eyes and heart set on reaching the unknown, brightly lit structure he'd spotted earlier. It was the largest thing at the carnival besides the Ferris wheel and Al seemed keen to find out what it was.

They did stop to play a few games and buy a few snacks as they walked and stopping every so often it took them about an hour and half and a lot of ooh's and aah's on Al's part before they got to the general area of the structure…and at that point, it became clear that it was an amusement park ride.

"Roller Coaster." Alphonse read from the banner stretched across the arch entrance to the ride with wide, excited eyes. There was a long queue to the ride and Edward stared up right along with Al as they joined the line of people. Ed watched the train cart go fast and slow and high and low all along the roller coaster track and he had to admit to himself, it looked like fun.

"This queue is way too long." He grumbled as he looked to the side at the long line of people ahead of them.

Alphonse smiled and laughed lightly,

"Be patient, Brother." He said kindly as he picked at his half eaten blue cotton candy.

Edward glanced at his own spun sugar and then took a careful bite out of it since it was very sticky and he didn't want to get messed with it.

They stood for at last a half hour before their turn came to get onto the ride, they quickly threw their almost finished treats away and Edward glared at a few people in order to land the front spot on the cart. Alphonse didn't complain and they settled into the ride and pulled the bar down as instructed,

"This is gonna be awesome." Edward grinned.

"Agreed." Alphonse grinned too.

A minute later the ride started up.

* * *

  
_We'll fall apart on the weekend_   
_These nights go on and on and on..._   


* * *

"That was awesome." Edward said grinning as they walked away from the roller coaster, he'd enjoyed having his stomach contents gravitate inside of him far too much at every lurch and Alphonse's grin and flushed face told him the younger blonde was in agreement.

Al looked at him,

"Your hair, Ed…its crazy." He laughed and Edward shot the younger blonde's hair a glance, he'd had to take his hat off when the ride sped up and he was carrying it in his hand,

"Your hair is just as bad." Ed said with a lazy smile as he started to pat down his bangs and run his hand over his ponytail to smooth out the knots. Alphonse started to pat his hair over as well before he pulled the hat back on,

"It's worth it." He said grinning and Edward couldn't help chuckling.

From there the rest of the night continued in a pleasant, noisy and brightly lit blur of fun.

Edward hadn't had fun in ages and it was great, he partook in some of the games Al decided to play and for other things, like when Al decided to mix in with a large crowd of Drachmans and Amestrians in order learn some traditional dance that required clapping, shouting, stomping and lots of complicated movements, he just sat and watched Alphonse enjoy himself. Edward hadn't been able to take his eyes off Alphonse the entire time and he was finally acknowledging what the feeling in mind and body was. Still, he did his best not to let his inappropriate feelings show on his face since Al was so happy and relaxed and having so much fun.

He had to guess it was almost 11 PM when they were finally making their way to the Ferris wheel, Edward had said they needed to get home soon since the fair would close at midnight and they could come back tomorrow.

Al seemed fine with the idea but insisted they go on the big wheel before they left.

As they walked the noise level grew in that particular area, somewhere nearby Ed could hear loud amplified music and singing, more than likely coming from one of the many beer gardens where there were live performances of bands singing in Drachman and playing unfamiliar instruments.

Edward had thought he'd have had a horrible headache after being surrounded by so much noise for so long, but he was fine and Alphonse was fine. Al was sipping from a sweetish cold drink called Kvass, apparently it was some sort of fermented drink but the Drachman who was selling it had said the alcohol content was very low.

Ed had finished his Kvass off and Alphonse was almost done drinking his when they finally reached the wheel. He waited until Al tossed the Styrofoam container away in a bin and then they joined the queue- not too long thankfully- so they could buy tickets for the ride.

Alphonse was licking the fruity residue from his lips as he looked up at the slowly rotating wheel,

"It's so beautiful." He smiled.

Edward would have agreed but he was distracted by Alphonse's attractiveness and thought it would be best if he just stayed quiet. Some minutes passed as they slowly got closer to the front and in that time the occasional firework would light up the sky with a loud clapping boom and crackle.

They reached the front just as Al was commenting on a particular bright orange and green firework and Edward bought the tickets,

"Come on, Al." he smiled and the younger blonde looked down from his gaze into the sky and quickly stepped up onto the platform after Edward.

They had to wait for an open seat to come around and down and then the guy directing the ride gestured for them to stand and wait until the seat reached them and scooped them up. Alphonse beamed once they were seated and they pulled the safety bar down over them. The seat felt secure, the back and sides were high enough that they came up over their heads in a sort of shell shape, they couldn't lean over and fall out, sideways or backwards.

As they rose into the night sky Edward sighed quietly, grateful to be sitting down after so many hours. He'd taken a lot of painkillers before they'd come out, but all the walking had taken its toll and his left leg was hurting. But he hadn't let Al know, he was determined not to put a damper on the night. He glanced at the younger blonde and sighed inwardly at the feelings still worrying his insides. Alphonse sat beside him, less than a foot away and he was completely distracted by the horizon line of Central city as it came into view the higher up they went, and also by the fireworks, they looked so much brighter that high up.

"This is so beautiful…Brother," Al said and turned to Ed with a smile, "I think you should tell the General to have a Ferris wheel erected out here permanently, tell him it'll make him the best Fuhrer ever." Al said with a quiet laugh.

Edward just smiled and leaned his head against the high seat back before he let his eyes drift to the scenery, it was a stunning sight. They could see out over the large river that ran along one side of Central, beyond it was open land, just dark landscape with the occasional light. On the other side was Central City and the military HQ stood brightly lit and stark white against the rest of the buildings, proud and prominent.

The first rotation went by in mostly silence, it was like they were unwinding from a long night as the wheel went around. Edward realised as they went up the second time that the noise from below receded to a distant hum the higher up they went, the wind was cooler up that high and the air smelled so fresh and clean.

Alphonse sat back like Ed was for the second rotation, there was a serene smile on his face as they rose higher,

"Thanks again Edward, this was fun, I think we both needed it." he said softly and turned his head to look at Edward, who turned his head as well and smiled softly,

"Yeah, I think we did."

Alphonse grinned,

"I was serious about the Ferris wheel though, you should tell Mustang." He said again.

"You know…" Edward said as he raised a lazy eyebrow, "…I think he might actually consider it." He really did, he could see Roy easily having a Ferris wheel erected, it's not like it would be a useless attraction and any good alchemist could do it.

They both just smiled as they slowly neared the very top again and the atmosphere became almost silent.

"I like Drachmans, I think I'd like Drachma." Alphonse sighed, "I'd like to go there sometime." He leaned over to the side a bit so their shoulders were touching and laid his head back against the seat.

"It's really cold there." Edward mumbled lazily and glanced at Alphonse's side profile, the hat had fallen lower on his head so his eyebrows were barely visible.

"You said it was too hot in Xing even though you'd never been there, but you can't tell me you don't ever want to go." Al sounded a bit disappointed, "It's so beautiful there too, I really wanted you to see it for yourself." Al admitted with a small smile and Edward shrugged as best he could while sitting back,

"Yeah, I'd go, I'd acclimatise eventually." He said honestly.

Alphonse nodded slowly,

"Good, because I really want us to go there together." He said quietly, "When I was there last, Ling told me we would be welcome at the Palace anytime, we'd be guests of honour." He said a bit more brightly.

Edward wanted to make some kind of joke about Ling but he fell short when he turned to look at Alphonse and the younger blonde was staring at him, calm, trusting happiness shone in his eyes and Ed swallowed slowly.

"I'm glad you've said yes, I'll write him soon to let him know…" Alphonse smiled amiably and turned his head so he was looking out over the stunning view again and Edward's eyes drifted to his lips, they appeared pale from all the bright lights around them on the ride, "…we should plan a trip while you're not working so we can stay there for at least two weeks." Edward noticed how Al's teeth touched ever so slightly against each other when he said 'weeks' and when the younger blonde absently licked his inner lower lip with his tongue Ed blinked slowly to close his eyes.

He hated himself…for  **wanting**. That was what he'd been feeling all night…in fact, all  _week_.

He wanted Alphonse…

He swallowed again and opened his eyes slowly, Al was still looking over the sky as they slowly moved past the peak of the ride. Edward frowned as the feeling overwhelmed him, he couldn't help himself,

"Alphonse." He said to get the younger blonde's attention.

Al turned to look at him, shoulders relaxed and eyes slightly hooded, a picture of contentment…and yet even that peaceful –innocent- expression couldn't stop him.

Ed sat forward as much as the safety bar allowed and he leaned into Alphonse, catching the younger blonde's lips with a light peck. Alphonse's eyes widened and he tensed up but Edward had already ruined it, whatever it was that had changed for the better, and so he took the plunge.

He exhaled shakily –he felt so driven to taste- against Al's lips, looking into his younger brother's slightly wide green-gold eyes and he raised his hand. Ed smoothly pressed his hand to Al's face, his fingers slid underneath the earflap of the hat and at the same time he kissed Alphonse again, pressing his lips more firmly against Al's that time.

He'd kissed Alphonse too many times to hesitate and when he stroked the seam of Al's lips with a slow, wet, lick…he did so confidently, knowing that he'd be allowed the kiss…and he was. Within seconds of tasting sweet residue on Al's lips, Ed slowly slipped his tongue into Alphonse's open mouth and Al exhaled shakily through his nose as his own tongue eased passed Ed's lips as well.

Edward felt a hand weakly grip his forearm and he responded by brushing his fingers in a reassuring caress over Al's ear beneath the hat before he tilted his head and lapped at Al's tongue a bit more aggressively. It felt good, so good that his legs tingled, he hadn't known how far gone he was for Alphonse's affection, his touch and his non-brotherly love.

He hadn't known how bad he wanted it until it was one hundred percent taken away from him, he'd barely lasted a week, and now he'd ruined  _everything_. He hated that he couldn't just let happiness be, but that feeling didn't stop him from sucking slowly and roughly –and far from innocently- on Alphonse's tongue. It didn't stop him from breaking the kiss briefly in order to scrape his teeth over Al's bottom lip just to hear him make that special little breathy noise that turned Edward on.

But the sound of their kiss and Al's shallow breath was lost to the slowly loudening background noise and very quickly Edward remembered where they were and what the noise was. He slowly pulled back from the second kiss he'd initiated, wishing he didn't have to stop the arousing intertwining of his tongue with Al's. He took his hand off of Al's face slowly, the younger blonde looked devastatingly confused and dazed, and Ed glanced down.

They were half way down and no one was likely to have seen them with the high booths and the blinding lights.

With that concern out of the way, Ed realised with a painful shortness of breath, what he'd just done and he slowly sat back again and lowered his eyes, unable to look at Alphonse as he swore himself mentally for being so fucking selfish. But he didn't apologise, he wouldn't, because just like Winry had told him, he always apologised and it was useless because he always fucked up…

…and besides, he  _wasn't_  sorry. He just wanted more.

No matter how twisted it was, that's how he felt, he wanted Alphonse, and it was his turn now to deal with the fact that he was sick…the misery would never end for long it seemed.

He didn't look at Al again as the ride descended, but he felt the blonde shift beside him…away from him…and when they finally reached the bottom and got off the ride, neither said a word…

…until they arrived at home.

* * *

  
_It's the longest start, but the end's not too far away..._   
_Did you know I'm here to stay?_   



	15. Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Unfortunately this chapter has not been beta'd, I apologize if there are any more mistakes than usual.
> 
> * In the Sacred Star Of Milos FMA movie when Ed and Al go to Table City in Creta on a mission, the Black Bats are seen using gliders, for this reason I've chosen to expand on that.
> 
> \- For those who are not aware, this is the penultimate chapter to Built For Sin - Bitter Sweet
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Blink 182

  _Been gone a long time_  
_I kinda lost my way, I can't find it_  
_And I caught a short ride_  
_To the grave and back this season_  
_I can try to get by_  
_But every time I start to panic_  
_I'm a little bit shy_  
_A bit strange and a little bit manic..._

* * *

Alphonse ran home through the rain.

He was cold and numb and shaking by the time he walked into the apartment building lobby. His wet, out of breath entrance caused some concern amongst the building staff who asked if he was okay as he squelched water across the tiles. He just nodded and muttered an apology but didn't stop, he was feeling numb to everything besides what was going on inside his head and body. He was breathing shortly, struggling to inhale through his stuffy nose on top of being unable to take in a proper breath through his chattering teeth and clenching chest.

But his own discomfort wasn't important to him right then because all he could think about was the fact that he'd left Edward out there, in that weather for a longer time than it'd take him to run home. That he'd left his brother helpless, his brother with automail that sucked warmth from his body and would have made his time spent in the rain far, far worse. It plagued Al that he hadn't even thought about it, hadn't cared to think about what he'd been doing, not that morning…not for a long time…

…not since the beginning.

Not since he'd first kissed his brother –who'd thought him innocent- in the den of the Rockbell house months ago. Not since he'd realized that he could have what he wanted if he played his cards right, said the right things, used the right angles...abused his brother's trust and love.

He fell up the stairs as he hurried wearing Ed's heavy boots, he hit his shins on the hard carpeted concrete and just managed to catch his upper body with his hands. Alphonse swallowed a hissing noise from the pain in his lower legs and slowly got up again, he only had one –long- flight of stairs left to climb on shaking legs, he could do it…he could do so much more and be so much stronger…fuck it.

He was not that person, he was  **not**  that weak, devious, wretched person…all the time he hadn't recognized himself because he'd been lost. Lost and selfish and unworthy to have had a brother who loved him so much and allowed him so many mistakes.

Undeserving.

He gripped the staircase banister and it helped him climb the last of the stairs, white knuckled and white lipped he reached the top and staggered to the wall across from the stairs.

He was so  **tired**  and he felt so completely hopeless.

He paused for a moment as he leaned his weight against the wall and snorted the first of a stream of short quiet sobs. Al rubbed his cold hands over his face as he pushed his shoulder off the wall and started walking toward the apartment door. He wanted to be alone with his tears of shame, he wanted to be able to face Edward clear headed when the older blonde finally returned home, but first he had to face his fuck ups.

And he wanted…he needed to do it  _alone_.

Alphonse shoved his hand into his front pants pocket with some difficulty since his skin was wet and his pocket was as well, so it was stuck and clinging to itself. When he finally managed to pull his keys out and unlock the door after missing the keyhole once, he slipped into the silent apartment and closed the door quietly.

He heard a soft meow and he opened his eyes, he hadn't realized he'd closed them, and looked down at CookieBoots. The innocent cat tried to rub up against him but when he realized Al's pants were soaking wet, he didn't try again, instead he meowed again and sat down a foot away.

Al stared blankly at him as he proceeded to lick himself where the wetness had touched his fur, he continued to watch as the pet repositioned himself so he could lick the back of his leg, sticking the small appendage up into the air as he did so and nearly rolled over off balance for his effort. He was kind of on the round side, well fed, well loved…the sight of him should have made Al feel better. But it only made more tears drip from his eyes and he clenched his teeth as a new wave of sobs rippled through his chest.

CookieBoots had been a gift…from Edward. Ed had always known he'd wanted a cat and they'd never been able to keep one when they'd been on their quest. And Alphonse remembered how he'd felt when Ed had given him the small furry gift and what it had meant to him  _at the time_.

 _'How did I forget that feeling? Why do all the times when he was the perfect brother to me seem like such fleeting moments, why didn't I hang on to them?'_  he choked on saliva caught in the back of his throat as he started crying harder. He'd been leaning with his hand against the door but he slowly crumpled inward until his forearms and forehead were pressed to the door.

"Ed-ward…I'm…" he took in a sharp breath, "…s-sor-ry…" he sobbed against the door for a few long minutes before CookieBoots meowed again and started purring and making soft rolling 'r' sounds as he rubbed himself along the wall and door. He'd never done that before, he wasn't a very verbal cat and his strange behavior was enough to quiet Al from his crying…only then he realized –when he'd stopped- that he'd been crying loudly.

He sniffed and his blocked up nose prevented any air from entering his nasal passage so he quickly took in a few shuddering breaths through his mouth as he wiped tears off his face and wetness from his mouth.

His stomach was hurting, he was vaguely aware of it, but he was so cold in his soaking wet, clinging clothes that the shivering and numbness made it seem less consciously distressing.

Al knew it was bad though, because his legs were turning to jelly and he felt very disoriented.

He quickly realized he should sit down, so he pushed himself off the door and stepped around CookieBoots before walking down the hall, but he felt dizzier just when he was passing the kitchen and he caught himself to balance with a hand on the door way frame. Al slowly lowered to his knees and shakily dragged his hand down the frame until he was leaning over on his knees with his hands pressed to the cold tiles.

Alphonse's head was spinning and he felt nauseous so he decided it was best to stop moving and stay off his feet. He still had the scar on his back to remind him of the last time he'd felt faint and hadn't been careful about it, he'd ended up falling in the bathtub.

That memory quickly ran into the incident that had followed a few hours later…where Al had been naked on top of his older brother, kissing him for the _first time_ …being overwhelmed with sensation and emotion, unable to control his body and then Edward throwing up minutes later after the ordeal had ended. Yes, it had been an ordeal, for Edward. Alphonse choked back another noisy sob as he shifted so he was sitting on the tiles, slowly, sluggishly, he maneuvered himself until he was leaning with his back against the wall. His boots left muddy streaks on the tiles as he did so and he wiped a shaking hand over his nose as he glanced down the hall at the boot prints he'd left behind him.

He closed his eyes after a few seconds of staring down the hall and he swallowed thickly, feeling the congestion in the back of his throat as he did so, he had to open his mouth to take a breath. Wearily Alphonse leaned his head back against the wall, feeling cold rain water slide down the back of his neck and he thought about the sight of his brother hanging limply in the park and about the sight of Edward limping, he thought about what he'd done and how awful it was.

How awful it  **all**  was.

And in asking himself what was left now while feeling like it couldn't get any worse, the answer that came easiest was the fact that they were brothers, still brothers, always brothers, blood brothers. That could not be taken away, nothing but death itself would be able to take them away from each other and even their closest encounters with death hadn't been enough.

He smiled sadly at the memories of their past and how they'd overcome so much, at the feelings that he'd forgotten, the feelings he'd buried because he'd been so focused on getting what he wanted from Ed as a lover. This time, he wasn't going to shy away from the facts of what he'd done or what he'd wanted, that wouldn't get him anywhere. He needed to confront everything, acknowledge  **every**  feeling and accept all of the responsibility for what he'd caused, what he'd done, things he'd said and the trust he'd broken.

If he pretended like it hadn't ever happened and tried to move on, he'd fail like he had before.

 _'Not this time…'_  he hiccupped quietly, not caring that he was crying without realizing it. He'd tried it before, to free Edward from the sick twisted incestuous relationship he'd forced on him, and he'd failed because he'd gone about it all wrong. Starting anew was not about pretending like nothing had happened and everything was fine. Starting anew –which he intended to do- was about moving past something, which meant the problem had to be acknowledged and forgiven. He had to ask Edward for forgiveness, but not just about one or two things, about everything.

Only when he knew that Ed could forgive him would he be able to start again. Before he'd just ended it, he'd insisted it was the right thing. Before he'd lied to himself and Edward and told himself it was better, all the while just dragging Ed in different directions, confusing him, abusing his loving and accepting nature…

Alphonse broke down into new sobs as he drew his legs up and wrapped his arms around his knees, he cradled his head in his arms and cried in earnest, quiet whines and whispers of regret that no one could hear. He cried to his dead mother, apologies for what he'd done, he cried to a father he'd barely known, asking why he hadn't been there so that Al's life would have been normal, so that he and Edward wouldn't have been a product of mental and physical trauma. But mostly he cried for Edward, he cried about Edward…apologies, desperate and occasionally interrupted with shuddering sniffles. Every tear and physical ache that he was starting to feel even through his cold, numb body highlighted that his reality was horrible and he'd been too blind to realize it for so long.

It wasn't even about the fact that he loved his brother as more than a brother, that he desired Edward romantically and sexually, or that he wanted to be his brother's lover, his only lover, his partner, his desire as well…it was about the fact that he'd  _forced_  it all on Edward and had only gotten it right because his brother loved him so deeply that he had never been able to say no.

Al had hoped Edward would eventually feel the same as he did, but that had been a selfish and foolish hope.

And now he was faced with the possibility that Edward had started to regret his sacrifice…he was pained by the bone chilling fear that Edward regretted saving him from oblivion and he couldn't blame the older blonde if he did.

Because if he had ever given up as much as Edward had for him and all he ended up getting in return was deception, abuse and manipulation, he would never have been able to hang on, he would have broken down long ago. But Edward's devotion was endless, his love was true, his heart was pure…

…his will was iron…or rather…Fullmetal.

Al smiled fondly as he leaned his head back against the wall again and clenched his eyes shut, tears streaming down from the corners of his eyes silently as the kitchen clock ticked loudly and thunder rumbled high above and far away in the stormy sky. He opened his eyes again a moment later and took note of how dark it was in the hall with the lights off and weather as dull as it was. He wondered how much time had passed, he wondered if Edward was still talking to Mustang…or if he'd noticed Al had left yet. He wondered if Ed would look for him right away, or if the older blonde would be relieved to find him gone.

If Edward had no immediate interest in seeing or talking to him he'd understand, after all, what good had Al been to him recently. He'd only brought the older blonde pain, illness and had picked harshly away at the one thing Ed had always hung on to…their brotherhood. Over and over again, Alphonse had ripped into it, tore it up, voiced his selfish opinions about a brother he'd rather not have if it meant he could have him as a lover instead.

So many times he'd  **violated** what Edward had given up  **everything**  to have.

Alphonse made an incoherent sound of desperate misery as he leaned his head forward and grabbed handfuls of his hair, pulling at the wet mess painfully as he clenched his teeth and tensed up his entire body in physical pain and anger at himself.

 _'I'm so fucking_ _ **horrible**_ _, how could I have been like this for so long?'_  he had no answer to his question and he only pulled on his hair tighter as overwhelming self-loathing filled him.

"Ne-ver again…ne…ver again…" he choked out and slowly released the grip on his hair as his muscles relaxed with a slow burn and the shaking eased into his tense frame again. And then he shivered from cold and hugged his knees tighter to his chest as his teeth chattered and his insides twisted in new waves of pain.

He groaned quietly and his toes curled inside his boots as he dealt with the pain, but he wouldn't scramble for his medication, he wouldn't dull his pain or his sense with drugs,

 _'I deserve this, I deserve to feel this pain…I fucking caused all of this.'_  He truly felt that way, he wouldn't allow himself to seek the easy way out, not that time,  **never again**.

This time Alphonse would not betray his brother's love or his sacrifice…this time would be different.

* * *

He hadn't been sitting there for much longer, staring blankly at the ceiling and thinking about all the things he'd done wrong and all the ways he'd make it right, before he heard the door to the deathly quiet apartment open.

It seemed like a distant sound mixed in with his shivering and teeth clacking together, the slow but somehow loud beat of his heart in his ears…he could feel his pulse in his throat and every chilly inch of his skin encasing the vibrating ache of his insides.

He blinked slowly and swallowed a thick gulp of the mucus blocking up his sinuses, pulling himself back slowly from comforting thoughts of their future being happy and seeing Edward smile in that carefree way Al hadn't seen in forever.

"Alphonse?" the voice seemed far away, Alphonse felt like he might have been dreaming it because he was so incredibly tired. He listened to heavy footsteps quickly approaching him and then Edward stepped into his line of sight and suddenly his exhaustion was slipping away and he realized his brother was really there, looking down at him with fear and concern written all over his face.

His face…he was so beautiful, so selfless…so genuine…

Alphonse smiled, feeling the swell of anxiousness along with a desperate need to have his brother happy again quicken his heartbeat,

"Brother," he breathed out, the word had never sounded so right as it did right then, "I was waiting for you to get home…" he heard himself say as he blinked again slowly and cleared his throat so his voice would be less scratchy.

Edward was here now, he'd come home…it was time.

He watched as Edward took in a shuddering breath and confusion crossed his stunning –albeit drawn- face before he choked out,

"Wh-why…did you leave…?"

Al felt a rush of the urge to cry but very little moisture actually reached his eyes,

"You and Mustang were talking," he spoke quietly, not thinking about his answers, "and I didn't want to intrude so I thought I'd just wait for you at home." Not hiding his feelings, because Edward was asking why he'd left, as if his presence was still important after  _everything_.

How had he forgotten why that kind of love was important? How had he forgotten how important Edward caring about him had been…from when he was a little boy and Ed would gently apply a plaster to a knee scrape for him after he'd fallen while playing in the fields, to the times Edward spent exhausted at his side, thin from lack of sleep and eating while Alphonse recovered in hospital on supplied oxygen and several nutrient IV's nursing him back to health after his time spent in the gate.

Horrible…he was horrible…a horrible brother, an awful human being. Suddenly he understood Father's need to rid himself of his sins and the weaknesses they incurred.

Alphonse had known his own sins intimately in the past months, his blind lust for Edward's flesh, his blatant greed and gluttony to have what his brother could only give so much of, his envy for what he wanted but couldn't have in the end, his wrath against Edward for the pain that ensued from the loss. And his pride in not admitting or accepting how wrong he was and finally…his unwillingness and listlessness to change and deal with his actions, sloth.

He had become a living  **sin** …as if he'd been  **built**  for it. Not by Edward –absolutely not- because in his older brother's mind he was as pure as the fallen snow, no, he was a sin by fate, by cruel fate, by the Truth that had yet to stop punishing him or Edward for their mistakes as children.

And now was the time…to throw his  _pride_  aside first and foremost…and to  **beg**  for Edward's forgiveness.

Alphonse moved his sluggish limbs out of the cramped position he'd been sitting in for a long while and got onto his knees –because it was appropriate to beg on his knees- before he reached for Ed's hands and hoped that the older blonde wouldn't pull away from him,

"I was waiting to apologize to you…" he tried to stop his teeth from chattering, he had much to say and he was desperate to get it out, "…for everything I-…"

"Alphon…" Edward choked out and Al just knew from the knitting of the older blonde's eyebrows and the worried frown that Ed wanted to deny him his penance, Ed wanted to tell him he could do no wrong.

Alphonse  **would**  not let that happen, not this time, he squeezed Edward's hands and stopped him from rasping out anymore nonsense,

"Don't do that Ed, please don't say it's not my fault." He smiled with calm sadness up into his brother's face as he made the request, trying to ease the distress creeping into Edward's expression. He watched as Ed lightly shook his head and cleared his throat, being as stubborn as ever, he would try again to deny Al his guilt but the younger blonde was determined.

He mind was clear for the first time in months and his heart beat steadily, quickly, for Edward.

"It doesn't matter to me that you lied about your alchemy," Edward blinked confusedly at him as Al took away the first thing he knew Ed would bring up, "now that I know why you gave it up and  **why**  you don't have it, I know I'm the only one who needs to have any regrets." He said honestly, letting his calm smile leave his face as he was wracked with guilt that he knew belonged with him and not Edward.

But he wouldn't look away from Edward, he needed the older blonde to  _see_  how serious he was.

"I  **forgot** …" it was the first thing he'd realized and he needed to admit it aloud, "that's what happened, I forgot how much you meant to me as a  _brother_. I forgot how much it meant to  **you** ," he felt his sore insides start to shake as his emotions welled up anew. He wanted to tell Edward to stop when the older blonde moved to kneel down with him but he couldn't get off track of what he had to say, it was more important, "it was easy to forget when all of the hardships we suffered together were over, it was easy to be  _selfish_  because you let me and I just  _couldn't_ …"

 _'I couldn't stop it, I couldn't help it.'_  he inhaled shakily as Edward settled down on his knees in front of him,

"…I  _couldn't stop_  myself." He said finally as he held Edward's hands closer to his chest and squeezed, aware now that tears were wetting his cheeks and he tried not to sob right then, even though he was desperate for more contact, more comfort.

But he didn't deserve it…not until he was forgiven, not until Edward heard all he had to say.

When Edward coughed he felt his own chest tighten up with guilt, knowing he'd caused illness in Edward from leaving him outside in the rain. It hurt so much to face his demons…but he wasn't running away, not this time. He waited –with painfully short breaths- as Edward grimaced and separated a pair of their hands so he could readjust his sitting position so his left automail leg was stretched out to the side slightly. Al nearly clenched his free hand into a fist as an apology crawled up his throat but when Ed reached for his hand again it gave him a small relief and he quickly interlaced their fingers…not wanting to let go until he absolutely had to,

"I'm sorry about your leg…" he breathed out the apology.

"It's fine." Edward quickly replied and Alphonse grimaced inwardly as he regarded his beloved brother.

No, it was not fine.

He shook his head and then wiped the wetness from his cheeks with his shirt sleeves when they started to prickle uncomfortably on his cold skin but he didn't let go of Ed's hands. He tried to breathe through his nose again but came up without any luck and inhaled through his mouth in a quick breath. He was so tired of crying…and looking at Edward's shiny, puffy eyes, he knew the older blonde felt the same way,

"This is the last, I  _swear_ , neither of us are going to cry anymore…" he said breathily as he stared into Edward's worried and confused face, "…I just need to know if you can forgive me for all this…" he asked quietly, his throat catching.

Now Edward frowned, his jaw set in that stubborn way Al was familiar with very quickly Al clenched their fingers together, uncaring that it hurt because he needed Ed to  **stop** ,

"I told you not to do  **that** , please," he said quickly, as firmly as he could muster with a rage of painful emotions constricting his chest, "if you respect me Edward, you'll stop looking at me as if I can't make mistakes," he frowned sadly, "you have to see me for what I am. I'm  _human_ , I make  _mistakes_ , I  _hurt_  people, I can  _lie_ , I can  _deceive_ , I'm not…I'm not  **perfect** , Brother." He felt more tears leave his eyes as he told his brother to face facts.

Edward needed to hear it, he needed to know Alphonse wanted to take responsibility for his actions, he needed to stop being so noble and valiant and accepting of everything Al did, he needed to be freed of the burden of the things Al was guilty of. Ed continued frowning, his unsettled opinion visible in his eyes as he regarded Alphonse and the younger blonde had broken down under that look before, so many times, when Ed would say convincingly that he was not entirely to blame and Al would just be too tired to disagree or he plainly wouldn't want to.

But despite the exhaustion accompanying the length of his aching body, Alphonse was not slipping through that crack into Edward's endless kindness this time. His resolve was stronger than ever because his reasons and his clear mind were more certain than ever…that this would be his  **last**  chance to make things right.

"Alphonse, can I just sa-…"

"No, no  _please_ …" he cut Edward off yet again and noticed the frustration in the line of his brother's shoulders, so he smiled and squeezed Ed's hands. He leaned forward just a bit, determined to  _get through_  to his ridiculously obstinate older sibling that he would not be coddled any longer, "…I know what you want to say, but it's not true. It's  _not your fault_ ," he said pointedly, having stolen the words out of his brother's mouth apparently since Ed looked momentarily defeated, "all it is, is that I didn't know how hard it was to be human, you know…" he admitted all he was feeling in the simplest way and then smiled when he saw that Ed didn't look pacified in the least, "…because you always made it look so easy when we were teenagers, and I took it for granted." He joked softly, complimenting Edward as well as admitting that he'd been arrogant and clueless about  _real_  life.

Edward gave him a quizzical look then and huffed out an awkward disbelieving laugh,

"I made it look  _easy_?" he shook his head as if the very idea that he'd been a positive human example for Al was ridiculous, "Al, listen, I'm the one who needs to say sor-…"

"No." Alphonse acted quickly, he'd not expected that sudden attempt, "N **o more** making excuses for me, I think we've both done enough of that to last each other a life time and it hasn't gotten us anywhere." He was unable to keep the exhausted shake out of his voice that time.

 _'He will not wear me down, not this time, I'll do this all fucking night if I have to.'_ he clenched his jaw right in the middle of a short chattering of his teeth and prepared himself for anymore rejections of his confessions and the damn truth.

For someone who valued the truth as much as Edward did, he sure could blind himself to it at his convenience.

Edward was silent for a moment, looking unsure of what to say or how to say it because Al wasn't allowing him to emotionally gut himself and take the blame like he was used to doing. It was a good sign, he'd rendered his brother speechless and that meant it was time to drive it home…to force Edward to except that Alphonse was wrong once and for all,

"Brother, please," he started firmly before Edward found his voice again, "I just need to know if you can  _forgive_  me everything," Ed's frown deepened and Al felt the need to specify exactly what he'd done wrong and when it had started, if only to make it impossible for Ed to keep trying to stop him, "from the start, from the very first time I  _forced you to kiss me_  right up until this morning…" he hadn't expected that admission to steal his breath with an ache in his throat. But he forced the rest if his words out because even a seconds delay and Edward would try to turn the blame on himself, "I can't apologize…en-nough…if you can forgive me I  **promise** , I promise you the brother you  _deserve_  from me, forever, I swear." His words were partially drowned out by a crack of lightning but Edward seemed to hear him just fine.

The older blonde blinked tears out of his stunning golden eyes and Alphonse watched as he smiled weakly –but sincerely- as he fought off the need to cry, his expression gave it away and Al realized he was almost there, Ed was close to accepting it. He could see the previous indecision wavering,

"I want to make it so that you never  **ever**  regret what you did for me," Alphonse felt himself tear up more as well as he said those honest words, reminding Edward further that he wasn't to blame, "I want to make it so you'll always know how much  _I love you_." He sniffed and had to catch his breath before he finished, "I'm sorry I for-forgot, I'm sorry, I forgot what was important…please f-forgive me, Edward?" he breathed out the last part and stared straight into Edward's wide eyes.

 _'Please, please…_ ' he felt his lips quiver as he waited for his answer, he lowered his head unable to maintain eye contact any longer as he battled to get his emotions under control,  _''don't fight me, please._ '

Edward took in a short, stuck breath as well,

"Of course I forgive you…" Edward said clearly, slowly in a tender voice and Al raised his head as shock ran through him, as if he'd subconsciously been expecting the worst, "…for  _everything_ , okay, like you said, it doesn't matter." Ed smiled at him in a sad but sincere way and Al allowed himself to shake, his face to scrunch up and for tears to slip from his eyes as he let go…

…incredibly relieved.

So much so that when Edward rubbed his hands in a slow, comforting gesture along Al's upper arms, he exhaled a loud breath, closed his eyes and sunk into his older brother's inviting arms…crumbling into his exhaustion in a quaver of audible but happy sobs. Alphonse pressed his face to Edward's warm, clammy throat where he felt the older blonde's pulse beat steadily and wrapped his arms around Ed's torso, gripping handfuls of his damp black shirt and feeling like there was no place he'd rather be than in his brother's forgiving embrace.

Edward's warm hands came to rest on his back and in his hair when the older blonde returned the hold and Al melted into it, allowing the tension –and even the shakes- to slip away as he cried against Ed's skin and even though he couldn't smell the rain on Ed's skin he imagined it was wonderful and comforting.

He closed his eyes and ears against all other sights and sounds, the dull light, the rain, the thunder and the quiet and tuned himself into Edward's uneven breathing, the sound of Ed's slow swallows and the feel of it when his throat tensed up. He was comforted by the feeling of warm hands in his damp hair and stroking lightly between his shoulder blades, the short congested sniffling sound Ed would occasionally make and whenever a small cough followed Al would hold him tighter, a silent apology for each cough he'd caused in the older blonde.

He could have stayed that way for hours, he didn't care that he was cold or that his knees hurt, it didn't bother Al that his back and neck would hurt from the awkward position, he only cared that Ed had forgiven him and for the first time in a long time, he felt  _right_.

"Thank you…" he breathed against Edward's neck and swallowed, "…thank you, I'll make it right, I promise, I love you…" he took a deep breath and clutched Ed's shirt tightly, "…I love you, Brother." He could barely hear himself and he didn't know if Edward had heard until he felt Ed's hands in his hair and on his back rub just a bit firmer and he felt the older blonde's slender fingers spread over the back of his head and press him closer.

It was enough…it was  **more**  than enough.

The rain fell harder and then quieted down, only to return minutes later twice as heavy and the thunder sounded near and then far, a background noise to Edward's steadying breathing for Alphonse, an unimportant noise. He was still cold and Edward was shivering as well, he knew usually Ed radiated body heat but with his automail and the wet clothes…

Al's thoughts were interrupted by the rumble of Edward's throat against his face when he spoke,

"Alphonse…" he inhaled quietly and Al felt Ed press his lips to the side of his head, so near his temple, "do you forgive me?" Ed practically mumbled the question.

Alphonse wasn't surprised by the question, Edward was Edward and equivalence was the basis of everything for him. It only made sense that if Al had asked for forgiveness and been granted it, Ed would want it as well, because no matter how much Al insisted otherwise, he knew his older brother would always blame himself in some way.

So putting his mind at ease with simple words was the least Alphonse could do, also he realized he needed to separate himself from Edward so his older brother could find a heat source, instead of being clung to by another presence that was sucking heat from him. Alphonse couldn't help comparing himself to a parasite as he pulled back slowly from Edward's embrace, he'd never voice that thought out aloud, Ed would be  _furious_  if he had to.

Once he was sitting up Alphonse realized how close to sleep he'd been because opening his eyes to look at Edward was hard, he sighed and nodded slowly and he focused on Edward's tired face,

"There's nothing to forgive," he said first, "but if you need to hear it…then, yes, I forgive you, Brother." He managed to get the words out clearly enough even though his tongue felt thick.

Edward's expression didn't change much, he remained looking uncertain and concerned,

"You look exhausted, Al." he said softly and Al blinked slowly, lethargically, as Edward rubbed his upper arms to shoulders once slowly, "You should lie down and get some sleep." The older blonde suggested.

Al just nodded, unable to say no because he felt as though he might pass out where he was. Edward had forgiven him, that was out of the way at least but what came next…? Whatever would follow in the next few days were crucial and that meant Al had to be well rested and at his strongest.

This was the end of the beginning and he needed all the coherence he could get.

"You too," he said, feeling silly for saying something so useless because both of them were in shitty looking condition, "Your eyes are red and swollen, I made you cry that much…" he felt heart sore beneath the layers of exhaustion, "I haven't ever seen you look this bad." It was true.

Edward had cried before, but the swollen, reddened and sallow look of his eyes and face was a new sight.

Alphonse opened his mouth to apologize and then he was given a taste of his own earlier determination,

"No more apologies Al, please, besides," Edward's cool palm cradled Al's cheek and he leaned into it slightly, his eyes so close to closing, "you look the same, so we're even." Ed said with a small smile and Al had to smile back.

He loved Edward, he knew him so well, just as he'd thought earlier,

"It's equivalent then, right Brother?" he pointed out after a sniff and placed his cold hand over Ed's on his cheek. Edward's expression remained concerned,

"Yeah, it is." He agreed quietly and then he took his hand away and started to slowly get to his feet.

Every slight grimace and the way Ed so obviously leaned his weight on his right leg made Al's throat tighten up a bit more, he stared at Edward's legs with tired, half closed and teary eyes and only looked up when Ed tapped his shoulder and held a hand out to help him up.

Alphonse took his hand and squeezed it but when he stood up he did so without using Ed's offered help, he wasn't about to strain Edward's already weakened and injured form with his own exhausted weight. If Ed noticed, he didn't comment and once they were standing up, an odd moment of stark silence passed, where even the rain seemed quieter outside.

Then Edward sighed and Alphonse saw the pain he was in displayed in the lines at the corners of his eyes,

"You want me to get you anything before you lie down?" he offered and Al slowly shook his head, finding himself in as much awe as ever when it came to Edward's natural inclination to do anything for him, even in his pained state,

"No thanks," he whispered and his eyes dropped to Edward's leg, "I should ask you…your automail…" he could hear the strain in his voice as his guilt over injuring Ed tripped him up, "…I didn't even think about it when I alchemis-…"

"Al…" Edward cut him off again and Al inhaled tiredly, acknowledging that the pain was not over, the forgiveness was in place, but the self-regret and guilt would linger for a  **long**  time. Edward took him by his shoulders and squeezed "…stop, please, it's over. You're safe and I'm fine, I've had worse pains than my automail." He smiled but it was a pained smile.

Alphonse nodded then, the time for anymore talking was not now, maybe tomorrow when they both felt better, but right then he needed to leave Edward alone to sleep,

"Okay, okay, just rest then, lie down so you're not standing on it…" he suggested, hoping to be at least a bit helpful. Edward nodded, looking like a –beautiful- mess as he rubbed a hand along the side of his neck,

"You too, I'll see you…uh, whenever we wake up… and get out of your wet clothes." He suggested helpfully right back and Al's lips twitched into a fond smile, happy tears burning up his tired, red eyes before he stepped around Edward so the other blonde wouldn't see,

"You as well, and dry your automail off…" he said back, feeling silly but tranquil.

Edward didn't say anything more and Al walked into his bedroom a second later and pushed the door on as he made his way to his wardrobes. He slowly took his shirt off, peeling it from his skin since it was still very wet and he dropped it on the tiles where it fell with a light slap. Then he struggled his way out of his jeans and his underwear, once he was naked he was just about to clap his hands together loudly when he remembered Edward…

 _'He can't use alchemy to dry himself or warm up._ ' Al thought with a deep, sad frown as he quietly touched his hands together and pressed them to his chest. In an audible but short crackle he'd spread an even burst of warmth throughout his body to remove the chill. Next Al dug through his drawers and pulled on a pair of his rarely used boxer shorts only because it was the first thing he'd found. Then he found a pajama pants and a loose sleeping shirt and once he was dressed he ran a hand through his damp hair and blinked a few lingering tears out of his eyes.

If he dried his hair, he was sure Edward would hear because the transmutation would be a bit louder and last slightly longer than when he'd warmed himself up. He didn't want Ed to hear, it felt like he'd be being incredibly insensitive now that he knew about Ed's lack of alchemy. He only felt worse a few seconds later when he heard the bathroom door close and then the sound of running water filtered muffled into his room and he pressed his hands to his eyes as more tears slipped out,

 _'Edward can't make himself warm without taking a shower, he can't dry his hair without a hairdryer…_ ' it was a drastic thought but he felt as though his brother had somehow been  _disabled_  without alchemy.

Alphonse took a minute to cry quietly –his eyes were sore and they burned from the excessiveness of it all- before he rummaged through his wardrobes and pulled out a hand towel. Vigorously, he started to rub his hair dry, determined not to be spoiled and do everything with alchemy. Just like he'd told Edward so many times as teens that he shouldn't rely on alchemy for everything, the same way teacher had taught them and yet here he'd been all these years doing just that while Ed had lived for almost seven years without it. His chest warmed with admiration and his head swam with a headache, so he stopped rubbing his hair and wobbled over to his bed where he sat down heavily with closed eyes as he waited for the pain to ease slightly from behind his eyes.

He needed sleep.

Alphonse tipped himself over to lay down, his head missed the pillow, and he rolled onto his back and then his side to face the wall. The damp hand towel and his half dried hair forgotten, he allowed himself to fall asleep to the sound of running water…both the rain and the shower…and if there was any more lightning or thunder, he didn't hear it.

* * *

The next morning he woke up slowly, sluggish and groggy…but he felt rested on some subconscious level, even if his head was still sore and his body could have used more sleep. All the same, he sat up slowly and moved himself to the edge of his bed so he could open his drawer –shoving his many pill bottles aside- to take his watch out,

"Twenty one after eight…" he mumbled and then yawned, putting his hand over his mouth out of habit.

It seemed early to be waking, but as he placed his watch down and rubbed his hands through his now dry hair, he calculated the hours and realized he'd slept for more than twelve hours since he'd gone to sleep at around 6 PM the previous evening. That was pretty good by his standard, considering that it'd been a dead, dreamless sort of sleep which he never usually experienced.

He sat for a while on his bed replaying the previous evening's events back through his mind and he smiled slightly at several points when he remembered the look on Edward's face or his small smiles. Al was pleased to feel that his resolve was still strong, in fact, he felt stronger than he had the night before. Sleep was good…

But Alphonse wasn't so naïve that he expected all to be well, there were many things still wrong and they wouldn't sort themselves out. He'd taken the first step into righting his relationship with Edward but there were several more things to address, one of the main and hardest ones would be fighting his attraction and romantic feelings for the older blonde.

Alphonse wasn't repressing it, he wasn't denying it, he wasn't pretending it was not an issue…no, it was still at the forefront of his mind and it wasn't going anywhere, not right away, if ever. But he had to manage it, he had to allow himself to feel it and from there he had to move past it.

Just like the night before…every time Ed had touched him innocently and he'd resisted the urge to lean in to it or reach out with his own hands, it'd been a small victory. It wasn't as if he hadn't noticed how Edward's wet clothes clung to his muscular frame, it wasn't as if he hadn't been aware that the shivers from his cold skin had masked a lot of the shivers he'd felt whenever Ed provoked a certain feeling in him just by his closeness, or when he'd held him.

Alphonse was aware of it and he couldn't help feeling it so he had to face that. He wasn't going to bottle it up, he wasn't going to act like it was a secret between him and Edward. They needed to both face it in order to put it behind them, just like they'd faced their mother's transmutation and had been able to move forward only once they'd acknowledged it.

He sighed and stood up from the bed, he'd slept so dead that he'd woken up in almost the exact same position he'd fallen asleep in. Alphonse walked to his door and pulled it open, he'd noticed it was open slightly and a glance at the window sill confirmed that CookieBoots had come in and fallen asleep there at some point. With a tender smile for his pet, Al left his bedroom.

The next hour passed quietly as he made himself some tea and toast and then sat at the kitchen table to eat it, Edward had still been asleep when he'd left his bedroom and he'd treaded quietly so as not to wake him up. He'd spent his breakfast time thinking about what he needed to do next and in every direction he thought was best to move with regards to Edward, progress was blocked by one factor…Elizabeth.

Alphonse couldn't give his full time and attention to working on his brotherhood with Edward as long as he had a 'girlfriend' to worry about. Especially when that girl was only his  _girlfriend_  as a result of his problems with Ed and it was high time to fix those mistaken choices. It hurt and made him feel heavy with guilt that he had slept with her on a disgustingly vengeful whim and now he couldn't take it back. But that was life, he had to remind himself that he'd been living in some kind of clueless bubble thinking that everything was easy and that life would be simple until realizing he was incestuous had changed that forever and now he was facing that as well as all of his other flaws.

He was presently staring at himself in the bathroom mirror, he looked so pale but he was relieved that his weight loss wasn't too significant. He knew he wasn't in trouble yet, he'd get back to a decent weight easily enough as soon as his appetite came back. He pushed the thoughts of everything that was wrong with him out of his mind for the moment, he'd already worked out the list of his fuck ups and realized that it was a relatively standard list of what was wrong with most people.

Being selfish, lying, deceiving, hurting people, making bad choices…common place human flaws.

The only one he didn't share with most people was his incest and that was the one he was going to work on the hardest, right after he went to see Elizabeth. He reached for his toothbrush with a frown, he knew what he needed to do about Elizabeth, but thinking about it and carrying it out were two different things all together.

The day was starting off pretty badly already, he could feel his insides start to knot up since they'd calmed down so nicely the night before after Ed had forgiven him. He sniffed as he applied toothpaste to his brush, noticing that most of his congestion was cleared up at least, despite still having a headache.

Al brushed his teeth methodically and meticulously, the way their mother had taught them as children and he'd perfected in the time since he'd had his own teeth. He was just running the brush in quick circles over his front teeth when he heard Ed's bedroom door open in the hall.

He glanced to the doorway just as Ed stopped in the hall –looking ruffled and half asleep and absolutely perfect for cuddling- and Alphonse quickly flashed a smile at the image of stealing a hug while Ed was still warm from sleep, not caring that he had toothpaste all over his mouth. Edward's returned smile was sleepy and not very bright before he moved on down the hall. Al decided not to let Ed's despondency get to him, it was just the beginning after all and their relationship needed a lot of work still.

He finished off brushing his teeth, rinsed his mouth out and then glanced at the shower. He thought it over, should shower first and then tell Edward he was going out or the other way around. He let out a quiet sigh when he made his decision and then turned and left the bathroom to go and let Edward know about his plan for the morning.

* * *

Al stuffed his hands into his jeans pockets as he stood in the elevator alone, leaning against one of the walls and staring across at his reflection tiredly in the surrounding wall mirrors. He was mostly prepared to do what he needed to but he knew it'd be more difficult while having to actually face Elizabeth's pretty green eyes.

It was frustrating, months of a great friendship, ruined in a  _week_.

Just like years of perfect brotherhood had been ruined by his big mouth.

Somehow…it all went back to 'what if I'd never said anything'…

The elevator arrived at the penthouse floor and the doors opened slowly, almost dauntingly. Alphonse rolled his head to the side to look out into the hall and then with a heavy exhale he pushed off the wall and left the lift, walking down the hall with a steady –determined- gait, because no matter how this played out, it had to be done.

Edward was all that was important and maybe after however long it took to make right what Al had wronged by his brother, he would try to reconcile with Elizabeth. And maybe by then he'd have found the resignation to deal with never being with Ed again and he'd be ready to try again with her.

That was a  **huge**  maybe though. Facing facts, Al could admit he'd never liked Elizabeth like  _that_.

He took in a few deep breaths as he sized the double doors up and when he finally stopped at them he knocked three times evenly and stuck his hand into his pocket again. The housekeeper answered the door a minute later and greeted him apathetically before inviting him inside, he followed her in and closed the door quietly after himself. Al counted himself lucky that he managed to make it there before Elizabeth left for university.

His first thought had been to go straight to the university but then he'd remembered that her first class on a Monday was at 9.30 and with a cab he'd hurried to make it to her home on time once he completed showering and getting dressed. Alphonse watched as the housekeeper left the lounge to fetch Elizabeth and his thoughts drifted easily to earlier that morning and how moody Edward had been, it was confusing and upsetting but he was trying not to let it get him down, trying very hard.

Alphonse ran a hand over his forehead and forced the frown off his face before he moved over to the sofa and sat down neatly. He glanced around the large space of the penthouse living room area absently, his mind was on Edward and the way he'd looked at Al that morning when he'd come out of the shower.

He hadn't wanted to hope it was desire that he'd seen in his older brother's eyes as Al had stood in the hall wearing nothing but a towel, hyper aware of every droplet of water dripping from his hair down his spine while Ed had stood stark still, his bright golden eyes had trailed slowly over the length of Al's body. It'd been all Alphonse could do at the time not to shiver under the intensity but he did right then, sitting on his soon to be ex-girlfriends sofa. He was thinking of how much he'd wanted Edward to walk up to him in that moment and remove the towel from his waist in a slow teasing movement and then maybe he would have licked at the water droplet Al had felt slipping down the side of his neck to his chest.

Fantasies…were so cruel.

Al rested his face in his hands as his thoughts sparked warmth in his lower abdomen,

 _'I can't think about this now.'_  he told himself, those thoughts –if he were going to indulge himself in them- had to be left for times when he was alone. After that awkward moment in the hallway that morning, after Ed had left the apartment to go wherever he'd needed to, Alphonse hadn't been able to avoid the anxiety pills in his drawer any longer. But he was proud that he'd at least taken a smaller dose and so he was feeling quite calm right then, in the perfect partially numb frame of mind to deal with Elizabeth.

He heard the clacking of familiar heels and he raised his head, inhaling audibly as he placed his hands on his knees and stood up just when Elizabeth entered the lounge,

"Morning Alphonse." she smiled –a bit uncertainly- and walked over with several more clacks that seemed louder than they were, and when she was close enough she leaned in for a kiss and Al hesitated for a second before he kissed her very barely at the corner of her mouth.

And that was all it took to give himself away.

When he met her eyes again…she looked straight through him with a knowing sad smile on her face,

"I-I'm glad to see you're okay, when you're brother came here yesterday afternoon looking for you, I was really worried." She said smiling tentatively, she looked like she was uncomfortable.

What she'd said though was news to him, he felt belatedly bad for disappearing on his worried brother like that,

"Edward came here…?" it wasn't really a question, mostly just him repeating it out aloud to fill the silence.

Still, she nodded,

"Yes, I had asked him to let me know you were okay when he found you…but I just had to assume the best when I didn't hear anything." She tucked her hair behind her ears on both sides and looked at him with slightly raised eyebrows, "Uh, would you like some breakfast, I could tell Er-…" he quickly caught himself from thinking about how worried Ed must have been when he heard her offer.

It was no good, there was no point dressing up his intentions so he jumped right in,

"I was hoping we could…talk." He said very quietly, not wanting absolutely anyone who might be in the penthouse to hear him as he said those cliché words. Elizabeth didn't look hurt at the words or his regretful tone of voice, she just nodded once and dropped her gaze to the couch before she sat down, neatly tucking her black pencil skirt beneath her before she did so and crossing her ankles, settling her hands on her knees.

She sat up straight, postured with an expectant insincere smile stuck on her face and Alphonse stared at her, heart beating unpleasantly fast as he realized she was  _waiting_  for bad news.

To have lived so short a time and to have already hurt two women…both Mei and Elizabeth would forever suffer a certain amount of emotional pain because of him. The thought that crossed his mind was 'what would mother have thought of me?' but as he inhaled and glanced off to the side while clenching his jaw, Alphonse thought just as quickly,

_'Mother isn't here, it doesn't matter, all that matters is Edward.'_

He looked back to Elizabeth and sat down not too near and not too far from her and facing her as she was him at a side angle,

"I thought it'd better to talk in private." He suggested quietly, aware that the housekeeper was around somewhere down the hall. Elizabeth spared a stiff glance to the lounge exit and then looked back to him,

"It's fine." Was all she said and Al swallowed sorely as he absorbed the tense line of Elizabeth's smile, she was clearly preparing for something hurtful and he wasn't even in the position to change that.

He nodded slowly and then shifted a bit closer so that his knee briefly touched hers and she tried to be subtle about removing the contact by crossing her legs but Al caught her gesture clearly.

 _'So much for friends.'_  He thought sadly but he couldn't blame her, considering what had recently happened between them and now here he was here to break up with her, he had no right to ask her to stay friends.

"You asked why." He started and she frowned so he went to clarify, "When I asked you out, you asked me why I was doing that all of a sudden." He kept his voice as quiet as possible.

When she nodded, her smile fading, he clenched his jaw again and leaned his elbows on his knees, he glanced downwards briefly and then raised his eyes to hers again,

"I lied…" he admitted, moving passed his sin of  _sloth_ , it was time to face what he'd done and start making the effort to make it right, it was time to admit he was the one who was wrong, no more sitting around and letting feelings fester and relationships rot, "…when I said I'd thought about us dating after we kissed." He shook his head and Elizabeth blinked a few times but didn't break eye contact, "I…" he swallowed and grimaced shamefully, "…I asked you out because I was trying to get over someone else." It was as honest as he could be.

She frowned and shifted very subtly where she sat stiffly on the edge of the couch,

"You told me you weren't seeing anyone recently." She pointed out quietly.

He nodded quickly,

"I wasn't, I'm…I'm not…but…" he quickly moved his thoughts around to find appropriate answer and after clasping his hands and clenching his jaw a few more times, something came to him, "…when I lived in Xing," he decided it was the safest explanation and it could easily make sense, "I was involved with a girl there for about two years and I had to leave her…suddenly…" he took in a quick breath.

He wasn't telling a lie he couldn't back up, no one besides Ed would ever know exactly what had been going on his head or his heart when he'd left Xing, so he could pull this off,

"I couldn't live in Xing for the rest of my life and be with her and she wasn't going to live in Amestris," that might have been a blatant lie but he'd never actually asked Mei so he could manage that lie with plausible deniability too, "so I left." He had been staring at his hands as he told his partial lie but he raised his eyes at the last part, "I'm in love Elizabeth, I haven't gotten over it yet and I don't see it happening any time soon." He said honestly.

Completely honest, he was in love with Edward.

She just stared at him so he swallowed sorely and frowned sadly at her,

"I was wrong to drag you into my mess," that was true, "I should never have tried to be with you when I'm still in love with someone else," also true, so much that it hurt, "I should never have…taken advantage of your feelings for me," he whispered the last part and he saw her eyes begin to glisten ever so slightly, " **you**  are an amazing woman and I meant everything I said to you about deserving a man who'll worship the ground you walk on, I-…"

"She's a lucky girl." Elizabeth said in a vaguely tense voice and smiled bitterly.

Alphonse's heart leapt into his throat,

 _'Not her too, it can't be this simple, she can't really just accept it.'_  he didn't think he'd want it, but he felt like he deserved her anger, he deserved unkind words and for her to point out how awful he was.

"Elizabeth, I'm sorry for hurting you," he reached out for one of the hands settled in her lap and he took it into his own, she was hesitant to let him have it, "I just think you deserve better than being my  _attempt_ at moving on." He whispered.

She inhaled quietly but it was visibly deep and then she nodded and pulled her hand away before she stood up,

"I understand Alphonse, thank you for thinking of me," her voice was polite only just short of being completely flat, "I have to get to university, perhaps I'll see you later during one of our classes." It wasn't a question because she turned away and started walking toward the exit hall.

Alphonse had stood up when she did and now he followed her with a concerned frown on his face as they walked to the exit doors. He watched as her long hair swayed behind her, he'd never seen her posture look so frightfully rigid and he noticed that her small, slender hands were clenched tightly at her sides. She pulled one of the doors open for him and Alphonse hesitated in his steps as he crossed over the threshold, he turned around to find her staring at him with no expression on her face, her lipstick red lips were in a thin line which she curled into an obscure smile.

Alphonse narrowed one eye at her when she glanced at the door and he knew she was about to close it. Alphonse was never the type to be brash or insensitive but he  _could not_  walk away from her with that  **look**  on her face.

He reached out and grabbed her wrist and she started when he did so but she kept silent as he gently pulled her out of the penthouse so she had to take quick steps until she was standing in the empty hall with him.

He closed the door quietly and leveled her with a hurt look of his own, he shook his head as she just stared at him, face carefully blank but her green eyes wide,

"Don't be like this please?" he asked in a quiet, sad tone.

Her eyes slowly narrowed and her red lips parted slowly before she spoke, green eyes serious,

"What do you want me to do, Alphonse? Cry for you?"

He was struck silent by her tone of voice, it was cold, completely apathetic. He shook his head,

"Don't be ridiculous, I don't want you to cry, that's the  **last**  thing I want…I want…you to talk to me, tell me-…"

"What, how I'm feeling?" she cut him off, her tone clipped and her face taking on an irritated expression, "You're not the first handsome, emotionally unavailable boy to break up with me Alphonse Elric. The first time it hurt, the second time too and even a few times after, but it barely hurts much anymore and it'll hurt less the next time it happens too." She informed him, "There will be  **no**  tears." She said it with such cold finality that he nearly stepped back from the unspoken warning to back off.

He'd never seen this side of Elizabeth…the side that had been hurt and betrayed so many times. It scared him to see what a person could become like when they'd been wronged too many times and he knew then –even more surely- that he did not want himself and Edward to end up like that.

"I…I thought we'd be friends…" he said stupidly and he knew he sounded like an idiot for saying it, "…we said we would." He added. Elizabeth didn't laugh or scorn his words though, she just blinked her fine black lashes and crossed her arms over her chest,

"We can…but not right away." She said sincerely, her tone quiet but not so cold anymore.

"I fucked up." He couldn't help saying it.

Elizabeth continued to watch him, no readable expression on her face,

"No, I did." She said and he clenched his teeth, unable to believe it was happening again, "I should have said no when you asked me because it didn't feel right." She admitted and he looked at her sadly,

"I shouldn't have  _asked_." He said clearly, "This is  **my**  fault-…"

"Taking the blame doesn't make you  _noble_  Alphonse, it just makes you feel better about yourself." She told him flatly, "I've heard it all,  **every**  excuse for why someone can't be with me, I've  _already_ heard. But it's my fault, because I seem to have some sort of innate attraction for men who want to be with  _other_  women." She said with forced indifference.

Alphonse could never tell her how wrong she was, how his reasons were not the same as  _every_ man she'd been with. He couldn't tell that it wasn't another  _woman_ he wanted to be with and he couldn't tell her that his reasons for fucking up their friendship were based on his incestuous circumstances.

So instead he just backed off, there was no winning this argument, in Elizabeth's eyes he was just like every other man now. Alphonse stepped away from her door, having no excuses because he'd known it would go wrong from the moment he'd asked her out, he'd known he shouldn't have slept with her the second he'd considered doing it.

He knew he'd hurt her. And yet it hadn't stopped him…

"You're right, a-are you going to be okay?" he asked warily since she looked quite severe.

"I'll be fine." She said stiffly, arms still crossed over her chest and expression tight but blank.

He wished he could say something meaningful like 'I love you Elizabeth' or 'I wish we could make it work', but neither of those things would be true, not in the way she'd probably want to hear them. Alphonse nodded again and then turned to walk away, not even half way down the hall he heard the door slam behind him and when he turned, Elizabeth was not there.

* * *

As he moved the spatula around the pan, causing the vegetables and chicken to sizzle, Alphonse thought about what had happened with Elizabeth only two hours or so earlier. And as he did it made him think of Winry and Edward. The previous year, before they'd moved to Central, Edward had told Winry he'd wanted to be with her and then…because of Alphonse, he'd changed his mind and had told her he was leaving Risembool.

He remembered that Winry had slapped Edward, she'd yelled at the top of her lungs in anger, she'd been hurt. Then weeks later she'd come after Ed with hopeful eyes and she'd still looked at him with want and longing just a week ago at Gracia's party. Alphonse had expected a similar reaction from Elizabeth, at least the anger if nothing else but…he realized then that the difference was the fact that Winry was in love with Edward and letting him go had been hard and probably painful.

 _'Elizabeth isn't in love with me.'_  He told himself, expecting it to make him feel better that he hadn't broken her heart but it didn't work that way. He still felt like shit and just knowing that Elizabeth had been hurt so many times before she'd had to condition herself to reacting to it made it worse.

He felt awful…and yet mostly relieved that it was over.

Alphonse sighed as left the pan on the burner and went to fetch the balsamic vinegar from the cupboard. When he returned to the stove and placed the bottle on the counter beside it, Al stared at the contents in the pan and wondered if Edward had been in love with Winry too. He'd asked himself that question many times before but he thought it best to revisit it now that his head was clear and yet the answer remained the same. No, it wasn't probable, because if he had been then it wouldn't have been so easy to leave her…right?

He blinked out of his thoughts when he heard the main door open and he quickly returned to tending the contents of the pan, his spirits lifting just knowing Edward was home.

Alphonse listening to the door closing and some shuffling before he heard Ed coming down the hall and he picked up the pan and turned to face the door way just as Ed stepped into the kitchen and stopped. Al noted he looked confused and uncertain; that expression seemed to the best Al could get out of him since the night before. All the same, he had to be the one to reassure Ed until he stopped looking like he expected Alphonse to let him down –because it hurt- and because it was important to let Ed see his trust was not misplaced,

"Perfect timing, it's almost done." He said as pleasantly as he could with his heart beating sorely and his stomach feeling upset over Edward's  _obvious_  mistrust in his new attitude.

Edward looked from the hissing pan he held to Al's face and then glanced around the kitchen, Alphonse kept his smile on his face until he turned around and then he frowned, trying not to let his anxious pain show on his face.

 _'He looks so nervous…'_  he thought regretfully, trying to replay the moment when Ed had forgiven and held him in order to calm his unsettled insides.

He reached for the pepper to distract himself from the silence behind him and he focused on the pan as he continued moving the contents around,

"I just have to add in the spaghetti and the balsamic vinegar and it'll be ready to eat…" he said hoping to get Edward to say something because even though he'd switched the radio on when he returned home, the noise didn't ease the uncomfortable silences with Edward.

When Edward asked if he could help with the food Alphonse felt better despite the older blonde's hesitant tone and he said it wasn't necessary since the food was almost done.

But when Edward came into the kitchen and begun taking plates and cutlery out and laying the table, Alphonse sighed softly in relief. It was a small effort, but it meant Ed was not avoiding him after the night before, just doubting him.

 _'I'll change that, I'll earn your trust again.'_  He thought positively as he picked up the colander and mixed the spaghetti into the pan quickly. When that was done he picked up the spaghetti tongs on the counter and turned around with the pan in hand and he paused when he saw Edward taking a beer out of the fridge…it felt like dejavu.

Terrible dejavu because yesterday, having stood in the kitchen and faced a similar sight, he'd been in an entirely different –and very bad- place mentally and emotionally. Edward caught his eye and sighed at him, looking disappointed and Al felt his chest hurt at the look, he didn't want Ed to look at him like that  **ever**.

"Do you want a beer or a soda, Al?" Edward asked flatly, his tone reminded Al of how Elizabeth had spoken to him earlier and he averted his gaze back to what he'd been doing, half way to dishing pasta into the plates, and he continued doing that, keeping his head down,

"Soda please," he said evenly, "I can't…drink alcohol," something told him that honesty was the best way to earn Edward's trust back so he decided to tell the truth about something he'd been keeping a secret, "because I'm taking medication."

He didn't look up to see Edward's reaction and instead finished what he doing and then placed the pan down on the kitchen table between their plates,

"Uh, what medication?" Edward asked in a conversational tone just as Al was pulling a chair out for himself at the table.

He sat down and glanced at the can Edward placed down near his plate, sighing quietly he hoped his answer wouldn't start an argument,

"Diazepam, they're for anxiety…" he mumbled and ran a hand back through his hair, "…but I'm starting to take smaller doses, I want to stop using them by the end of next week if I can." He said quickly after, keeping is eyes down and waiting for Edward's reaction to the news.

He stop fiddling with –pulling on- a clump of his bangs when he heard a chair scrape on the tiles and he glanced up to find that Ed had settled across from him, picking up his fork with a mildly thoughtful but mostly calm expression on his face. Alphonse blinked slowly as he averted his gaze back to his plate and he realised with a small chill in his stomach,

 _'He already knew…'_  he was certain because if Ed hadn't had any idea he would have had questions and anger, but he looked thoughtful instead which made Al suspect,  _'…was he testing me?'_

"I'm here if you want any help, or if you need anything." Edward said quietly across from him.

Alphonse had just absently picked up his fork and he stabbed a piece of chicken as he gave Edward a nod and a smile before returning his gaze to his plate. He considered hen the possibility that Edward would be testing him for lies or deceit the same way he was trying to earn Ed's trust back by not lying or being deceitful. It also occurred to Al that had he not been as sincere in his contriteness and had lied just then, Ed would have caught him out.

He felt hurt and tense about the possibility of being  _tested_  but he steeled his resolve, he no longer had anything to lie about or hide so there was nothing for Ed to catch him out in. In a lot of ways it was good to have realised it, because it gave him some idea of where he stood currently with the older blonde. Edward was wary, he was being cautious but he hadn't given up completely.

There was room to move forward. It wasn't too little too late, not this time.

Alphonse smiled subtly around a mouthful of food as he chewed, keeping his eyes down on his plate. Edward seemed to be enjoying the meal since it was disappearing quite quickly and Al was happy about it, especially when Ed complimented him on it,

"You're welcome, Brother." He responded with a genuine smile when he looked up at Edward.

Alphonse realised he wasn't making much eye contact right then as he had the night before, but it wasn't so crucial now as it had been. And besides, it was hard to look into Ed's face when even so much as a smile made his stomach flutter. It was one thing to prepare himself for the long haul of dealing with his feelings openly and honestly, it was another to provoke those feelings unnecessarily by looking when he didn't have to.

 _'No…I have to…'_  he told himself, having caught himself before he slipped back into the habit of avoiding his feelings just because he couldn't deal with them. He had to  **learn**  to handle them, he had to  _master_  them so that if he never stopped being in love with Ed for the rest of his life, he'd still be able to have a brotherly relationship with him, a proper one. At that thought he raised his head and looked Edward straight in the eyes, his breath stopped for a second when he realised Ed had been watching him but he quickly smiled, swallowing a nervous sound and made conversation,

"So where did you go today, Brother?" he was still surprised by how naturally the word 'brother' came off his tongue, as if it hadn't been in disuse for months.

The intensity with which Edward was regarding him eased away as the older blonde leaned his elbows on the table and levelled his gaze with Al's. The younger blonde avoided being obvious about watching Edward lick his lips absently or noticing how the bangs he'd tucked at some point behind his ear slowly slid forward, looking silky and Al knew it was soft, as it settled with the rest of his bangs against the side of his face,

"I went to see Roy at HQ." Edward said in a straightforward tone.

 _'Another test.'_  Al blinked a few times and he smiled, it was forced that time because hearing Edward say 'Roy' so casually and hearing he'd gone to see the older man that morning brought up some unresolved ugly jealousy, especially since he knew for sure that his older brother had  _kissed_  Roy Mustang. But he couldn't focus on that, Edward's involvement with someone else was only his business on a purely brotherly level, so he focused on what was important about Mustang with regards to himself,

"I hope you thanked him for helping us yesterday, but I'll thank him myself whenever I see him again." He distracted himself by fiddling with his food and when it became harder to maintain his small smile he picked his soda up and sipped from it, keeping eye contact with Edward all the while and hoping he wasn't as transparent as he felt.

Edward stared at him for a second and then raised his eyebrow and cleared his throat,

"Uh, yeah, I did…" he said a bit awkwardly, "…he asked how you were doing."

His awkwardness translated to Al that maybe Edward didn't want to talk about Roy, even though he'd heard his brother turn Mustang down the day before but he'd also seen the new and comfortable way they interacted with each other. There was something there…

Alphonse didn't want to encourage it, his  _greed_  to keep Edward all to himself was responsible for that selfishness, but as a brother, if he wanted Edward to be happy with someone, then that's what he would do. He wouldn't insist or nag of course, just…lightly encourage and say nice things about the person Ed might be interested in. That's what he'd used to do with Winry years ago, he'd tease Ed or ask if his brother liked the skirt Winry was wearing on a particular day, maybe comment on how pretty her hair looked and then ask what Ed thought of it…

It hadn't hurt then like it'd hurt now but that's what brothers did, they teased and encouraged.

"He really is very supportive," that was a weak attempt at a compliment and Al knew he could do better, "I-I didn't deserve any of his kindness yesterday," he realised he wasn't doing any better, in fact he was getting off topic and drawing the conversation to himself, "I need to apologise for the way I spoke to him as well, I was so rude." He picked his can up again and sipped from it, disappointed in himself.

 _'I'll try again, as soon as I don't feel so nauseous.'_  He thought irritably, careful to keep it off his face, as he involuntarily imagined Mustang kissing his gorgeous brother. Knowing just how good Ed was with his tongue, knowing the feeling of how soft his lips were in contrast to the harsh words and vulgar curses that usually passed over them...it made Al feel damn sick to think Mustang had experienced it.

He groaned inwardly and swallowed a gulp of air with his soda that made his throat hurt,

"You don't have to, he's not gonna hold anything against you Al. Mustang's a good guy in his own annoying way," Edward said with an odd fondness in his voice and Al managed a small smile, "and he knew about my…uh…he knew I hadn't told you about sacrificing my alchemy and that your anger toward me yesterday was completely justified."

Alphonse didn't feel at all uncomfortable at Edward bringing that topic up and he realised then that it was a good sign, he was still a bit sore about Mustang, he still had to work through his attraction to Ed but he wasn't afraid to tackle the issue of his incest and the problems it'd caused. It made him feel better to know that, he felt more confident and so when he smiled again it was genuine.

"My anger was  **not** justified," he said honestly, admitting to his misplaced  _wrath_  and keeping up eye contact, "I blew the whole thing out of proportion because of everything else that was going on between us. Upon reflection," he wanted Edward to know that he was aware of how absolutely out of hand he'd been, "I could have behaved less like a volatile, bipolar teenager and more like the 22 year old that I am." because it was  **true**.

In all his life he'd never behaved so terribly and once he'd cleared out the fog out of his head that he'd essentially lost himself in, it had become glaringly obvious. He had spent some time thinking about it earlier on his walk home, when he had been trying not to think about Elizabeth, wondering if he'd been in some sort of post-depression faze. Whatever it was, it'd started getting worse that night Ed had reminded him of when Alphonse had drugged him with the Sildenafil.

Al squeezed the can he was sipping from tightly before he stopped, not wanting to crumple it, instead he placed it down. Before that night when Edward had brought up the erectile dysfunction drug, he and Ed had just been stuck in an on sex and off sex fiasco that was stunted by Edward's guilt and temperamental due to Alphonse's stubborn impatience. Back then it'd just been selfishness that kept Al going, holding on to the idea that eventually they'd be happy.

But after he was finally confronted with Edward's anger over being drugged into fucking him, Al's guilt had started to eat away at him, everything had spiralled downward. The bizarre and disturbing fact was that even that stepping stone to their current disaster could have been avoided if Al hadn't said 'no' when –slightly drunk- Edward had come on to him.

It was so confusing; it had been Al's conscience coming in to play to stop him that night and yet every time after that it'd failed to make an appearance. Something in him had gone off the deep end that night…

 _'But it's in the past, can't keep thinking of the past…today is important, now is important…'_  he told himself quickly as he thought about something less serious to talk about, preferably not about Roy or Elizabeth. He remembered then what he'd done after he left Elizabeth's, he looked at Edward again,

"Oh, and I stopped by the pharmacy on my way home earlier and picked up some more pain killers as well as antiseptic healing ointment for the skin irritation and chafing I'm sure you have around your automail port…" he mumbled toward the end, feeling awful because many a time he'd seen just how badly Ed's automail could get when it was irritated. Edward nodded at him quickly,

"Thanks, Alphonse."

He nodded back absently and then inhaled quietly before patting the table once with his hands and standing up, he picked up the pan that had only a few morsels of the food in it as he did so. Alphonse gathered up the silverware next and put them in the pan and then he put his plate into the pan as well to make it easier to carry everything to the sink. He was just reaching for Ed's plate when the older blonde asked an unexpected question,

"How was Elizabeth?"

Alphonse swore in his head, of all the things he'd have expected Ed to ask, that particular question had not been one he'd considered. Although on some uncomfortable level it did make sense, since as far as Edward knew she was still his girlfriend and asking about her was polite, especially knowing Al had gone to see her that morning. So he managed not to clear his throat and show just how the mention of the girl he'd hurt had stuck his breath in his throat.

He picked up Edward's plate as he'd been intending to and turned away from facing his brother, he was about to answer when Ed filled in the long seconds he'd been hesitating in,

"I went by there yesterday before I found you here, I told her we'd let her know you were okay when I found you but I forgot." He didn't sound like he was particularly bothered by forgetting. Al was too preoccupied by Ed's voice being so even and calm when he spoke to think anything of it. He placed the dishes from the pan into the sink,

"She mentioned that you came there…she was okay about it, she'd been a bit worried but she's a logical girl," he smiled sadly, "she figured no news was good news and she was right." He sighed and then turned around to continue clearing the table.

Edward was watching him with a slight frown on his face and Al met his eyes and tried to broaden his smile but Ed didn't seem deflected from his worry by it, his frown actually deepened,

"Everything okay, Al?" he asked quietly and for the first time in a few weeks, it didn't sound like an awkward brotherly question Ed would use to fill the silence, it was sincere, Edward could tell something was wrong.

Alphonse felt his smile wane as he looked down into Ed's face, it amazed Al that despite the defined angles of Edward's face and the sharp intelligence that never left his eyes, he could look so soft, so worried,

 _'…worried about me again.'_  Al thought as he picked up the soda can and beer bottle.

Just a minute ago he'd been trying to keep his feelings off his face but now he thought about it, he didn't have to. Edward had always been the person he'd turned to when he needed to talk about something in the -it seemed so distant- past. It seemed right to talk to Edward now, as he'd asked once, Ed just wanted to know what was going on, they needed to talk to understand each other.

Al adjusted his hold on the bottle, he felt it slipping because of the sweating glass as he remembered Mustang's words from the day before, about the lack of communication between him and Edward being a major problem.

Honesty. It was important for re-establishing trust…and he supposed if it made them feel better too, then it was a good thing. Edward was starting to look expectant of bad news and Al sighed, choosing not to let his brother's vivid imagination think up anything worse than he was probably already thinking about,

"Elizabeth and I…" but how best to say it, "are…" probably should to be clear about it, "…we're broken up, Ed." That was as straightforward as possible, no room for speculation.

He had just turned to go back to the sink as he said the last part quietly, but he hadn't missed the look of odd, stunned  _relief_  that had crossed Ed's face. He frowned about it as he emptied the beer and remaining flat soda into the sink. Alphonse didn't have any idea where the conversation would lead but he told himself to answer any questions honestly, so when he headed across the kitchen to throw the bottle and can out and Edward asked if he was okay, he said the honest answer easily,

"I am," and it was  _true_ , aside from feeling guilty and much like a bastard for breaking up with her, he wasn't down about it, in fact he felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, "but I just hope she is…" he admitted as the bottle hit the bottom of the mostly empty bin a bit loudly, "…she said she was fine but I'm still worried."

Because Elizabeth had been so  _cold_ about it.

When he turned around again Edward had turned slightly in his seat and was looking at him calmly, with a touch of warmth in his eyes,

"Al, you can talk to me." He offered quietly and Al felt his heart beat a bit quicker at the tone, a brotherly tone that had once sounded so familiar eased a lot of his tension to hear from Edward after so long. Honesty really did work, Al wished he'd remembered how to tell the fucking truth sooner than that, he could've saved them so much pain.

But that was a redundant thought because no matter what could have been, it could not be changed now.

There was only now, and right then he kept his eyes on Edward's as he walked over and sat down beside his brother in a chair, exhaling tiredly as he resisted the urge to knock their knees together even in the slightest,

"I did an awful thing to her…" he clenched his jaw and watched Edward closely, noticing how his frown brought his dark blonde eyebrows to an arch, "…by breaking up with her so soon after I…"  _'…get it off your chest, tell him how bad you feel, tell him that you did it out of spite…_ ' he forced himself "…after we slept together."

Because the last time he'd spat the confession at Edward it had been with the intention to make him jealous, to hurt him and to give him an idea of how Al felt whenever he imagined Ed with Roy, by having a mental picture of himself with Elizabeth to think about. It was funny how he'd known subconsciously it would hurt Edward when he'd admitted it…but why was that, why did it hurt Ed?

Edward didn't look taken aback which wasn't surprising, it made sense since he'd known about it for the most part already, but his frown turned confused more than worried,

"You broke up with her?" he sounded like he really didn't get that.

Alphonse blinked slowly, inhaled deeply –taking in the scent of Edward's cologne he seemed to wear more frequently these days- and shrugged before he turned to look away from the older blonde since the smell was provoking some inappropriate feelings,

"Yeah, I had to Ed," he noticed the upset in his voice, "it was only fair since I asked her out for the  _wrong_  reasons to begin with." And it made him say something he hadn't needed to, because he was feeling tense.

The pleasant assault on his desire and senses while dealing with brotherly honestly was a hell of a challenge, but running was not an option, he had to be able to stand it, he had to be able to hug Edward whenever he wanted and not want to press their bodies closer together than was normal. He was a long way from mastering it, but he was  _strong_ and he had to remember that he could get through it. Edward didn't get offended or even upset by his comment, he actually looked guilty and they shared a sad frowning moment before Ed asked quietly,

"Did…did you only ask her out because of what we talked about at Gracia's party, because I said it was for the best?" Al was surprised that he felt relieved to hear Ed acknowledge it, he instantly felt like it was  _okay_  to talk about this without upsetting Ed.

So he nodded slowly and lowered his eyes to the table, Al blinked slowly and rubbed the side of his neck as he inhaled the near smell of Edward, and then he shook his head,

"But it doesn't matter now, what's done is done and she said she still wanted to be friends so I hope she meant it. I just have to wait and see what will happen when I see her again. I hope she's okay." He sighed, unable to feel more than a vague sadness about the state he and Elizabeth's friendship would probably be left in if they managed that much.

There was a moment of quiet and then an easy sigh from Edward,

"So you do like her, huh, just not like  _that_?" his tone sounded soft and apologetic and when Al turned his head to regard his older brother, Edward was smiling small and sweetly at him. His tummy turned over lightly in the nicest way and he smiled right back as it occurred to him that Ed was talking about Elizabeth with him  _specifically_  so he could get it off his chest.

As a good brother would do, as he should do in return.

Envy…hadn't stopped Edward in the flesh and now even in emotion, the sin didn't stop Ed from talking about something that wasn't the most comfortable subject between them. Alphonse had his own  _envy_  to contend with and if Ed was able to do it then he was willing to try too, he nodded then and put forth a question that he didn't want to ask in the least,

"What about you?"

Edward seemed to be thinking of something that had brought the slightest of frowns to his face, his eyes were settled distantly on Al's hands on the table top. His attention was belatedly got when Al shifted his hands to fold over each other and Ed looked up to meet his eyes, Ed blinked and cocked an eyebrow –never knowing how attractive he looked when he did so,

"What about me, what?" he asked in his trademark 'huh, what now?' tone of voice meaning he wasn't playing dumb. Al raised a hand and rested his chin in his palm as he trailed his eyes as innocently as he could over his brother's face, a fond feeling warmed his chest as he took note that he was once again able to remember the little things he knew so well about his older brother.

How had he forgotten the comfortable feeling of knowing Ed better than he knew himself? It hurt to know that he had…

"Do you…" he glanced down and back to Ed quickly, taking a second to  _make_  himself ask, "…like Roy Mustang like  _that_?" it was bitter to ask it and it made his stomach uncomfortably tense to wait for the answer.

He hoped Ed would lie…but then again, he didn't, he wanted honesty…

Edward blinked at him, eyes widening and then averting quickly as he shook his head,

"No," he said and then coughed once into his hand as he frowned lightly, "I told you there's nothing going on with me and Mustang." Ed said around a sound of rasping in his voice.

Alphonse managed a small smile for his brother's lame attempt at avoiding the question,

"That's not what I asked, Brother…" he said quietly and Ed looked at him again, "…I asked if you like him in that way." He specified.

Edward licked his lips slowly, pinking them for a split second when he did so and leaving behind a light wetness that made Alphonse's skin feel tingly, before Ed curled his hand on the table top into a loose fist and knocked the table top softly a few times absently,

"No, I don't." he answered as he shook his head lightly, barely shifting his bangs with the movement.

Al recognized his fidgeting, however absent it was and while it didn't tell him Ed was lying –because his tone sounded honest enough- he figured it was more along the lines of, Edward didn't know exactly what he felt. Of course it was speculation, he hardly knew what had been going on between Ed and Roy. He still had an impossible time thinking of any way at all that Mustang would have managed to successfully kiss his older brother and  _yet_  it had happened. He'd heard it with his own ears, they'd spoken about it, it was real. But why Ed would ever have let Roy get that close to him was baffling for Al,

 _'But I have no idea how they got to be close friends, let alone how they ended up kissing…'_  he reminded himself again, wondering how much else he'd been missing in Ed's life while he was stuck in his selfish, narcissistic and sick rut.

He sighed and looked away from the intense way Ed was looking at him after his last question, he felt like maybe Edward didn't understand why he'd ask. Al remembered admitting having been jealous of Mustang just the day before, his behavior now was probably confusing Ed and if the older blonde  **did**  have feelings for Roy, then surely Al's reaction or support was something he needed to see. So Al swallowed his still burning jealousy and distracted himself from his quietly hurting heart by dragging his nail over a line in the plastic surface of the table,

"I know I said he's old and gross…" he mumbled and fought very hard to keep a frown off his face, "…but I was just angry, I actually think you and him would," his throat tightened up so fast he thought he might choke, "make a good looking couple."

Did he really think so? He didn't want to picture it but couldn't help it. He could clearly see Edward with his lean musculature, unintentionally sexy demeanor, vibrant and dangerous in personality, a heart stopping smile when it was a true one, the expanse of his skin that was a work of art to see  _or be fortunate enough to touch_ , his long, waxen blonde hair that always gave Al the most intense arousal and goosebumps whenever it had trailed over his skin along with Ed's kisses…

…and then there was Roy. Old as he was,

 _'Well, he isn't ugly…'_  was the best Al could do by way of mental compliment. Admitting to himself that Roy Mustang was righteously considered a heartthrob was a bit much right then, so he settled for the best he could do and tried to banish yet another painful mental image of Mustang kissing Edward from his mind.

"-…not in a million years."

He caught the tail end of whatever Ed had said and having to guess whatever the first half of it had been, he glanced at Ed and noticed he looked like he was feeling a bit awkward talking about Roy. So he decided to poke fun in order to lighten the mood,

"I wouldn't be so sure of that, especially since you're blushing." Al grinned, actually hoping to see Edward blush, his skin looked so sallow of late. Since it was his fault for that, he hoped he'd bring some color to Ed's cheeks,

"I'm not blushing." Ed gave him a lame glare.

He didn't blush and Al felt marginally disappointed, Ed's lips were pale and dry again and mixed with his current complexion and the dull afternoon light of the kitchen, he looked vaguely monochrome-ish against a white and dark wood background, wearing black clothes and with the light bleaching most of the color out of his hair…

…only Edward's eyes seemed dark, the skin around and the gold of his iris stood out…

 _'He's so beautiful.'_  He felt the grin leave his face as he turned his eyes away to look at his thin hands. His fingernails were getting to be a bit long, he stretched his fingers out as he looked over the blue lines –his veins- beneath the skin over the back of his fair hands.

Veins that had been intricately transmuted…just like his skin…and even the hair on his arms, he noticed as he trailed his eyes upward over his forearm, stopping where his shirt was pushed up to just before his elbow. Deep in his mind, the part of his mind he needed to overcome, he thought of how intimate it was that Ed had created the body he had…and how appropriate it felt that his older brother should be able to lay hands on his alchemic masterpiece whenever he so wished. Not that Alphonse thought he was a masterpiece in a self-conceited way, but by being the only successful human transmutation in the history of the world, it certainly made his existence a genius accomplishment for Edward that could not be replicated.

But his thoughts were beside the point, Edward had never wished to be that close to him, not until Alphonse had corrupted him and even then, it'd remained more one sided than anything else. He closed his eyes as he swallowed the swell of rejection forming a lump in his throat, instructing himself to not think about any of that,

_'Respect him, love him…as a brother should.'_

As he pressed the pads of his fingertips to the table in an absent rhythm he turned his thoughts to something more pleasant, something that he'd wanted to share with Ed for a while now,

"I was thinking," he glanced at Ed to see the older blonde looking at him with an unreadable expression, "uh, when you're not working some time, maybe on the weekend, we could do something. I was thinking about signing us up for a music class, I really want to learn to play the piano." He admitted honestly, smiling when he saw Ed's interest piqued by the slight upward tick of his eyebrow,

"Yeah of course, Al…" he nodded, "…uh, we can do it any time you want. I'm not gonna be working for a while."

That was news to Al and for a split second he wondered if it had something to do with Mustang and everything that had happened just yesterday. But he took his cue from Edward, who hadn't seemed upset when he returned home and didn't sound remotely upset right then, that it couldn't be a bad thing so he smiled,

"Oh, that's great then, maybe we can go tomorrow." He turned in the chair to face Ed again, their knees did brush for a split second that time but Ed didn't seem to notice, "Thanks, Brother." He said quickly and forced himself not to look down at Edward's lap on some ridiculous impulse and he grinned.

He was guilty of enjoying using the word 'brother' and he was glad it didn't seem to bother Edward like it had in the past months when it'd slipped out…or had been said in anger.

Edward stared at him and for a moment he looked like he'd been stuck on a thought before he said in a soft voice with a sincere and endearing smile,

"Don't thank me, Al, I'd be happy to do it."

Al's stomach was filled with butterflies as the moment became saturated with confusing quiet and intimacy that brothers shouldn't share. He faced it though, he didn't run away and neither did Edward and as the moment passed, Al found himself smiling –utterly in love- at Edward before he stood up slowly,

"We have ice cream," Ed liked milk in ice-cream no matter how little sense it made, it was just another of Edward's many quirks that made him who he was, lovable and sometimes annoying, "I'll get us some and you can tell me about your work and why they fired you." He joked as he walked to the fridge.

Hiss heart was racing and his stomach felt light…but it wasn't so bad.

In some way, their interaction made him feel better.

Because even if he had to be in love  _silently_ , doing it that way meant he could still love, anyway he wanted to, and  **anyone**  he wanted to.

* * *

He was crying, he'd been crying for a while now…for a few nights, but he did so quietly and alone.

Alphonse hadn't been sleeping, not since Sunday night when he'd been too exhausted to do otherwise. Monday night he'd tossed and turned and longed and ached, Tuesday night the same, he'd missed and cried and stared at the wall separating his bedroom from Edward's with a heaviness in his chest that made it so hard to breathe.

Sleep was pure torment because his dreams were a mixture of pleasure and pain. It was a pleasure to dream of Edward's smile against the skin of his naked thighs, the feeling of his lips pressed to the back of Al's neck, the feel of his hands moving slowly over Al's sensitive chest…the dream induced arousal of their bodies connecting. Of the seconds between Edward pressing into his body and then when Al was intimately  _filled_  and everything -sound and smell and breath- would stop for just that  **second** , before it'd come to life again with the scent of sweat and sex and moans, it'd light up his nerves and heat up his core…starting at the base of Al's spine all the way up into his eyes in a white blur when Edward would  _thrust_ …

The pain came in waking, aroused and alone in the dark and quiet, with damp skin, a racing heart and a shaking body…then the tears would come. It'd only been two nights of that torture and it was getting Al down something terrible…

Presently he was in a toilet stall in the university bathrooms sitting on a closed toilet, elbows on his knees, face in his hands and palms wet with his tears. The medication wasn't working so well the less of it he took but he was determined, he had to get through the withdrawal of both the medication and Edward and he refused to dope himself and hinder the process.

He needed a clear head to get through each day the right way, to smile at his brother, and feel true and pure feelings for Edward, too keep his intentions clean. And the pain helped, though it was horrible, to keep his head out of the fog. So he let himself be pathetic and unhappy when he was alone, content to tell himself it would  _have_  to pass eventually. But the lack of sleep was starting to catch up to him, breaking him down and now he'd been reduced to tears at university and he was starting to consider skipping out of school for as long as he needed to get well properly. But for how long, weeks…months?

He just knew he needed to rest his mind, to take a break from the feelings and the memories before they broke him down and then Edward would be worried, and there'd be guilt and  **fuck** , everything would be reset.

Al clenched his jaw as he gripped handfuls of his hair, thinking about ways of getting his hands on some decent sleeping pills which he could still take. Elizabeth was not going to be an option for a while, she was polite enough to say good morning in passing and she entertained some awkward conversation in their shared classes, but she never met his eyes and she often couldn't seem to get away from him fast enough.

With all of his bridges burned, it only made  **hanging**   **on**  feel even more impossible.

He tensed up when he heard the door to the bathrooms open and he roughly wiped his hands and long sleeves over his blotchy red and pale face, not daring to sniff and be discovered crying like a girl. He rubbed his tear wet palms together and on his jean clad thighs to get rid of the moisture as he listened to a stall close a few down from the one he was in. There was some shuffling and he tuned it out as he leaned his elbows on his knees again, face scrunching up as another rush of exhausted tears came to his eyes when he thought about the position he was in, hiding in bathrooms to cry. But as much as he wanted to talk to Edward about everything, he couldn't see any good coming from him talking about his lingering intimate dreams and the crying episodes they brought on afterward. It wasn't even always sex dreams, sometimes his dreams would just be of when Edward would hold him as they slept and then waking up in an empty double bed would just feel so  **unfair**.

 _'It's not unfair, it's just me…shit…_ ' he inhaled quietly, his breath shook in his lungs,  _'…I need to sleep._ ' he rubbed at his burning, sandy eyes.

Alphonse sat for about five minutes before he heard the other toilet flush, the stall door open and then the guy left the bathrooms soon after. Only then did Al leave the stall he'd been hiding in and he walked over to the basins. He avoided his reflection as he rinsed his face and then pulled some paper towel off the dispenser and dabbed his skin dry. He took a moment longer just staring at the white wall next to the dispenser before he inhaled deeply, ran his hands through his hair to push it back from his face and then left the bathrooms to carry on with his day.

* * *

Alphonse laughed as Edward squashed up a paper with scrap calculations on it and threw it at him lazily,

"Don't be such a smartass, I was wired on coffee and a few hours of sleep when I first worked on that theory." The older blonde muttered and leaned back against the other end of the sofas armrest.

Al avoided looking at the stretch of Edward's torso when he leaned his elbows on the armrest so his shoulders were hunched, sitting with one leg bent up on the couch and the other with his bare foot flat on the tiles.

He focused instead on the scatter of Edward's alchemical work that had previously been hidden in his safe, it was spread out between them over the middle seat of the couch, some of it was on the floor too and even on the coffee table.

After a perfectly horrible day of trying not to fall into exhausted sleep on every desk in every lecture, Alphonse had come home to a warm meal made by Edward and some pleasant lighthearted conversation. At some point after they'd made hot beverages and relocated to the lounge to continue talking, he'd sleepily admitted that he'd invade his older brother's privacy by going through his safe. Alphonse had been sweetly relieved when Ed hadn't been angry, in fact he'd apologized and they'd laughed about it and minutes later Ed had offered to show it all to Al and naturally, the younger blonde had been enthusiastic to see it. He wanted to share everything that they could together…

No more secrets.

Although, it wasn't really a  _secret_  that Al would love nothing more than to crawl across the papers in between them and lay himself flush atop Edward's stretched out body, pressing close, he'd kiss the older blonde and taste the hot chocolate on his tongue, feel the tension in his firm torso muscles as they'd breathe into each other's mouths. Or maybe it was…because even though Al felt like his thoughts were obvious even as he tried to hide them, Edward seemed oblivious to his quiet sexual desires.

Al tossed the paper ball on the table with a lopsided smile, eyes half lidded from exhaustion,

"It isn't a  _ridiculous_ theory, but it seems like an implausible one. We've only just started to read about heavier-than-air glider aircrafts being approved for manufacturing in the *international West, so to imagine creating any kind of craft that would work with mechanical propulsion is a bit ambitious at this point." Al admitted, still, he was fascinated by the detailed calculations and unclear sketch designs of some sort of engine that would work with turbines and there were notes about an air compressor,

 _'Either Edward has an overactive imagination or he's on to something amazing…'_  Al thought, still smiling.

It seemed, from paging through the various different workings made by the older blonde during his time in Creta, that Edward had started on the idea of propulsion aircrafts. Like a car, it would function with an engine, except it would have a much greater output thrust. Ed had a few more pages of only calculations theorizing speed and lift and wing span but ultimately he'd stopped working on it in favor of some other alchemical formula over six months ago.

"It's not impossible." Edward grumbled and Al looked at him with a quick glance before he looked back to the complex math his brother had been tinkering with on the page he held. He was grateful and relieved that Edward was sharing his work with him, especially since he'd been able to do some corrections and add helpful input here and there on some of the alchemic math and arrays, and the grin on Ed's face whenever he added something was like an emotional aphrodisiac.

The butterflies hadn't left his stomach for the hours they'd spent going through heaps and heaps of mathematical and chemical theory,

"No, it's not impossible, not at all…but I doubt we'll see something like that realized in our generation, not without extensive funding from the state and lots of room for error and prototypes in the contract." Al sighed and placed the sheets he held down with the other papers. He carefully avoided looking at Ed as he leaned over and picked up his cooling third cup of hot chocolate off the coffee table. Alphonse blinked a few times as he gulped the lukewarm liquid down and his eyes burned for how sore they were from crying and lack of sleep.

Edward had commented that he looked tired during supper earlier and Al had said it was just the side effect of weaning himself off the meds, the answer seemed to satisfy the older blonde so he'd stick with it until he was doing better.

"So…not worth pursuing then?" Edward sighed and Al realized he was asking for his opinion on whether to put any more time and energy into it. He blinked and finally looked at Ed as he fiddled with his empty mug,

"Well I wouldn't say that, I just think that the first idea draft has to be far more conceivable, mechanically and financially, for a board of sponsors and military officers to grasp." He shrugged and glanced at the complicated papers, "It'd be amazing though, maybe…we could work on it together in our spare time." He said the last part quietly.

Putting a long term suggestion between them for the first time since their reconciliation, Alphonse quietly held his breath and when Edward grinned genuinely at him, he couldn't have breathed right then if he'd tried.

"Count on it Al, I've had a lot of new ideas since I was in Creta and with you helping it'll move everything along way faster." Ed sat up and forward suddenly and Al blinked as a smile slipped onto his face at the brightness of Ed's eyes. He nodded and reached out to put his mug down on the table, nearly missing the edge because he wouldn't take his eyes off Ed's in that moment.

After their seconds long shared smiles Edward frowned,

"Al you should get to sleep, you're eyes are blood shot." He said as he started gathering the papers together.

Alphonse shrugged and rubbed his hands over his face,

"It has been a long day." He said, not willing to explain to Ed that trying to sleep after spending a night of staring at his gorgeous brother would make sleep  _impossible_.

The shuffling of papers stopped,

"You mentioned earlier that you're not going into university tomorrow cause of a paper you have to write?" he asked. Al opened his eyes as he ran his hands back through his hair, a developing habit, and he sighed and nodded,

"Yeah." He mumbled, having used a paper that was due a week from then as an excuse to stay at home.

Edward seemed to consider his words before he said them,

"You've been pretty stressed lately, you probably haven't been sleeping much better than me over the last few weeks?" he asked so quietly that the soft drone of the radio nearly drowned his voice out.

But Al heard him and for the first time his butterflies settled because of the worry replacing it, the question was a possible lead into a serious conversation,

"I'm…I uh…" he told himself to be as honest as possible, "…yeah, I'm still having some trouble." He mumbled and placed his hand on his knee, digging his recently clipped fingernails into his jeans.

"I have some sleeping pills, I think they've been there for a while…" probably bought by one of them during the last bout of sleepless nights they'd had, "…and they're mild, but since you're tired anyway, they should help you catch up on some sleep." Ed smiled.

Alphonse realized that Edward wasn't trying to turn the conversation into something serious, he was offering help and not judging or asking just  _why_  Al was being kept from sleep. Maybe it really didn't matter whatever the reason, in the end, as a brother Ed was just trying to help him and that was what was meant to be important.

He nodded and smiled,

"Thanks Brother, that'd be helpful, I didn't know we had any sleeping pills." He admitted as he watched Edward stand up, Ed seemed to be avoiding eye contact right then but Al wasn't going to question why when he'd been feeling guilty and doing the same all evening,

"I'll get em' for you with some water…" Edward said as he left the lounge and disappeared into the dark hall.

Alphonse watched him walk away and after acknowledging that Edward's backside was exquisite no matter what kind of pants he wore, Al turned away and planted his face into the back of the leather couch and groaned quietly as the butterflies started up again. When he heard Ed's feet pat and clink their way into the kitchen he drew his face back and calmed himself, slowly and tiredly he blinked down at the few un-stacked papers near his foot on the couch.

Only then, when Edward wasn't around to distract him, did Alphonse  _realize_  that his brother was using a new mathematical scheme to calculate non-alchemical work that hadn't been used before as far as he knew, and that it was complicated but sensible. It dawned on Al then that Edward was doing better than he realized without alchemy, he couldn't help but think that his brother's genius was remarkable…and really, that only made him love Ed even more in  _every_  way.

Damn butterflies.

* * *

The sleeping pills helped, he took slightly heavier doses of it than was written in the directions for use, but that was because he  _needed_ to. And sure enough Wednesday night sleep came easier and deeper and when he woke on Thursday he'd felt ten times better, not one hundred percent, but much better.

But presently, he felt a hundred times better.

Thursday afternoon Edward had come back up from the laundry room and distracted Alphonse from his planned attack with air freshener –for saying Al had a big head- by waving a flyer in his face. And as Al had read the decorated piece of paper Ed had beamed at him looking chuffed with himself, the older blonde had seemed to be feeling better about their brotherly relationship by that day, and had simply said 'What do you say Al, wanna go?'.

And  _of course_  Alphonse wanted to go to a foreign carnival filledwith new sights and experiences and of course he wanted to go with Edward! It just sounded so perfect, it sounded like just what they'd need to ease the last of the awkwardness between them. A night of fun together, doing new things, surrounded by smiles and laughter and an atmosphere that would force them to interact normally, more specifically, Al would be forced to act normally in public with Ed and he decided to take the challenge head on.

He'd woken up that morning feeling well rested from another night of good –medicated- sleep and he'd been looking forward to the evening all through his university day. When finally he arrived home, eating dinner with Edward had made him feel even better since it was all high spirits. Edward was better, he wasn't asking testy questions any more, or giving Al confused or uncertain looks and everything was just going so well. After eating they'd both prepared to go out, dressed up to suit the evening weather in long sleeve shirts and pants and they'd left. Edward had called a cab since the drive to the outskirts of Central City was long and then finally, they'd arrived.

Alphonse had instantly been taken up with all the rainbow colored lights high and low in the sky, the music and the thousands of people everywhere and all that open air. It was so diverse, so exciting and the mixture of noises, laughter, music and game stands, were blissful in some strange way, overtaking his distracted senses after sharing a long cab ride with his leather wearing, headily fragranced, handsome older brother. Alphonse felt like he was taking a big step forward by coming out into such large crowds but he was confident in himself. He'd cried all he could cry, he'd hurt all he could hurt and for the last few days he'd embraced his feelings and his desires for his fantasy Edward with quiet acceptance and now they brought an inner smile and happiness to him, while the real Edward brought an outward smile to his face by being the best brother in the world.

Both types of feelings for Edward warmed his heart, one of them repaired his broken heart and brotherhood and the other warmed him in more inappropriate ways but only when he was alone. And even though Al wasn't acting on self-gratification –and wasn't sure he ever would again for fear of disrespecting their brotherly relationship- Al was pleased that he wasn't feeling frustrated by it all. He was doing something  _right_  and he felt stronger for it.

And having Edward at his side in the way he always had and should always have had was all the better.

But of course his strength was tested like right then,

"Skol'ko za shlyapU?" Edward said unexpectedly to a salesman at a Drachman hat stall they'd stopped at and Alphonse had no control over the warm, tingling shock that ran down his spine when he heard his brother speak another language so naturally…and he sounded so…

"Dve tysyachi." Al's thought was interrupted by the salesman's answer to whatever Ed had said, he was smirking at Ed and the older blonde was frowning, displeased about something.

"Cenz?" Edward asked the man and Al glanced between them, seeing the man nod at his older brother.

There was a pause and Al found himself staring rather blatantly at Edward's mouth as he spoke again,

"Eto slishkom dorogo, tysyachu." Edward shook his head and gave the man a stern but not hostile look.

And Alphonse closed his mouth, swallowed a breath and felt his face warm just a bit,

 _'Fuck…does he even know how sexy he sounds?'_ Al was clenching his fingers into the fur hat he was holding, the very reason he'd come over to the stall was to look at the hats but now he just felt lucky to get to hear Ed speak Drachman.

He hadn't known his brother could speak Drachman!

"Oni sdelany iz mekha krolika," the salesman waved his hand over the display of hats "Ne meneye polutora tysyach." He half shrugged as he folded his arms over his chest and smirked and Alphonse quickly looked back to Edward.

"Okay." The older blonde said after a moment and Al was disappointed, he'd wanted to hear more.

"Vyberite lyuboy ponravivshiysya." The man responded with a big smile.

Alphonse just stared at Ed, watching how the lights reflected off his skin and hair and loving the way Edward looked in the not-too-tight black V neck shirt he was wearing. Al had the most interesting fantasy flash through his mind right then, of Edward saying something sweet or dirty to him in Drachman while doing something sweet or dirty –but completely sexual and _inappropriate-_  things to him and he blushed brightly. He only realised he was grinning like an idiot when Ed turned to talk to him, he panicked, thinking his blush would be obvious,

"Pick any one you want, Al. I'll get it for you." Edward said with sweet smile, while Al's mind had been in the gutter.

Alphonse swallowed quickly and blinked as he looked between the salesman, Ed and the hats. He figured his flustered state wasn't visible under all the bright colourful lights so he relaxed and shook his head and smiled,

"Ed, I was going to get it for myself, you don't have to buy it, I have Cenz." He said quickly, he had brought most of what was left of his savings with him.

He wasn't surprised when Ed gave him 'the look',

"Don't be stupid, pick one." His older brother told him, looking cutely annoyed.

Alphonse considered arguing but Edward looked determined to buy the hat for him and with all of the feelings swimming around inside of him right then, he was hardly going to kick up a fuss, so he turned to the hats and looked through them until he found one he liked,

"I like this one." He said over the noise around him and he watched as Edward nodded and turned to the salesman,

"My budem pokupat', chto odna." The older blonde said easily, his consonants and vowels all came together so smoothly as if he'd mastered the vernacular so long ago he could speak it in his sleep.

 _'He probably can.´_ Al thought with a silly, small –fucking girly- feeling in his stomach. He was just glad he'd quickly reached an agreement with himself to channel his attraction and desires for his older brother into  _good_  feelings, instead of panicking about them. He watched as Ed paid the man from a sizeable wad of cash –he'd said he left his wallet at Mustang's apartment the last time they'd both been there on Sunday- and then the transaction was complete and Al felt compelled to say something,

"Uh, thank you." He said to the salesman and he grinned, enjoying far too much the light feeling in his stomach.

The man nodded and Al raised his eyebrows, not really sure he'd been understood,

"Spasibo." Edward said quietly beside him and Al glanced at him to see him smiling, he realised Ed was telling him how to say 'thank you' in Drachman, so he turned back to the man and raised the hat slightly,

"Spah-see-bah." He pronounced it exactly as Ed had but didn't try on the accent, he didn't want to sound like an idiot and the salesman grinned with some of his teeth that time, clearly understanding,

"It is good." He responded in his own heavily accented Amestrian and Al couldn't help beaming at him.

"Let's go, Al." Edward touched his elbow lightly and he followed his brother after a wave at the man, he liking the chipper lilt to Ed's voice, he was so pleased that Ed was in a good mood, it seemed as though the night would go really well. Still feeling tickled by butterflies and naughty thoughts, Al raised his hat, ready to put it on but then he glanced around and hesitated,

"Do you think I could put it on?" he asked Ed as they walked down one of the many busy, brightly lit paths that was flanked by tents and vendors and some people dressed in foreign but interesting costumes…one of them was breathing fire and Al did a double take.

"If you want to, Al, it's up to you." Edward said with a half-smile and Al thought that answer was validation enough, who cared if no one else was wearing one,

"I like this hat," he really did, "do I look stupid?" he asked with a small laugh, not all that interested in the answer but feeling giddy as he adjusted the soft hat on his head.

"Nope, it looks good Al…" Ed said with a smile on his face that Al could only describe as adoring and his stomach did a floating 180 degree turn over that made him want to kiss Edward until his brother's lips were swollen, "it's called an  _Ushanka_ , by the way, it's sort of a Drachman military hat but I guess it's also worn casually since they're selling it without any insignia."

 _'Reality Alphonse…focus…'_  he told himself as he absorbed the information Ed told him and even though he hadn't wanted to gush about it, it was kind of hard,

"Thanks Ed…" he grinned at his smiling –happy- older sibling, "…and I didn't know you spoke Drachman," he smiled right back, replaying the far too sexy sound of it in his mind before he caught himself staring and looked around instead of at the defined line of Ed's jaw and the way he kept licking his lips, "uh, what did you say to that man?" he asked to cover up his inappropriate staring.

Edward explained that he'd been bargaining with the man and then told Al he'd learned Drachman when he'd been working and researching in Creta, as well as knowing Cretan and learning some Xingese too.

Al was impressed…and he felt a little left out because it was yet another lot of information about his brother he hadn't known,

"And I can only speak Xingese, I feel kind of slow now." he played off the sad feeling and managed to keep a moderate smile on his face. Edward shrugged in his usual 'eh, no big deal' way that seemed so arrogant but really wasn't,

"I'm sure you speak it more fluently than me, I only learned the basics of Xingese before I moved on to Drachman."

Edward sounded a bit strange as he said this, like he didn't want to talk about all the languages he knew. Alphonse knew his brother disliked attention and compliments unless he was rubbing his achievements in the face of someone he didn't like or wanted to show up. He huffed out a quiet laugh and Ed glanced at him,

"You speak Drachman well though, even your pronunciation sounded so accurate, that man had no trouble understanding you." He complimented because Ed deserved to know how good he sounded speaking that language.

He also made a mental note to try conversing with his brother in Xingese sometime soon when he didn't have so much on his mind and going on in his feelings, because while he was extensively fluent, right then he wasn't sure he would do the language justice in his happy haze and he wanted to impress Ed, just like he'd impressed Mei and Ling when he'd learned the language so fast.

Edward thanked him and they walked a bit more before his older brother mentioned eating, it sounded like a good idea, so long as he didn't end up eating something he didn't recognise and would later find out it had been some awful part of some exotic animal.

He didn't want to throw up like he had back in Xing.

And Edward seemed to agree even though he found Al's expression on the subject sufficiently amusing. So they walked a bit more and Al waited until Ed smelled or spotted anything decent, he was keeping his eyes off his older brother lest he be unable to stop himself from staring at the bright lights shining off Edward's tight leather pants and outlining the muscle of his thighs and buttocks in the best kind of way…

…and then Alphonse saw  **it**  and he stopped walking.

Whatever it was, it was high in the sky and the lights on it were moving so  _fast_.

He  **had**  to see it.

"Brother…what is  **that**?"

* * *

 _'A rollercoaster…A ROLLERCOASTER.'_  He thought with excitement as he and Edward pulled the safety bar of the amusement park ride down over them.

They'd walked across the entire carnival to get to it, only to realise it was a massive ride that was constructed to go up and down, high and low with a cart full of people on it's tracks at high speeds! Edward hadn't been able to keep the grin off his face or the impatience out of his huffs either as they'd waited for their turn on the ride.

 _'This might just be better than the ferris wheel._ ' Al looked up into the sky from where he sat waiting for it to start, the ferris wheel was beautiful and towered over the entire carnival,  _'Maybe._ ' He bit the inside of his lip and turned to look at Edward beside him.

The older blonde gave him a roguish grin,

"This is gonna be awesome." He said looking genuinely thrilled and Al could only grin and agree.

And OH was it  **awesome**.

* * *

Almost everyone had screamed on the rollercoaster but all Al had been able to hear was his older brother shouting out 'woo hoos' and 'fuck yeahs' every time the ride took a massive dip that made Al's eyes water from the wind speed. But it had been worth it! He told Edward just that when it was over and they'd been walking away and Ed had pointed out that Al's hair was a mess. He'd nearly lost his hat on that ride and Ed had tucked his ponytail into the back of his shirt after the first dip in the ride had whipped it back.

That had been a half hour ago and presently Al was trying very hard to focus on the numerous foot steps to a dance that Drachman's did and were trying to teach. There were many other people from Amestris trying to learn as well and while he felt like he was playing catch up every time he missed a few steps he couldn't help laughing about it. When he'd joined the dancing group he'd been considering insisting Ed join him, but then he'd faced his sin of  _gluttony_ , overcoming his expectance of asking more than Ed was comfortable with just because he knew the older blonde would give in to him. And he felt better for it, especially since there was something thrilling about the way Edward would smile at him from where he sat outside of the dancing area every time Al laughed that made him feel weak at the knees.

Hence the reason he was having trouble keeping up with his fellow dancers.

Al tried not to think of how this night was so much like a date…because he had to remember that it was  _not_.

Edward was his brother.

And he was the best brother Alphonse could have ever hoped to have.

He managed to keep up with the last two claps above his head and the sound of it was loud and followed by cheers from everyone dancing and despite the 30 or so people around him, when Al flashed a grin at Edward across the distance, he could have sworn everyone else was invisible when Ed smiled back at him.

Edward hardly ever smiled like that…it was his personal smile that said  _perfect_.

And it made Al's mouth dry in second as his heart raced and his feelings for Edward felt just a little overwhelming.

Of all his sins…he was still having trouble dealing with his  _lust_.

* * *

Al had needed something to drink and he'd also needed to walk off the dance and the racing of his heart, so they'd bought some Kvass, which Edward had told him was really mild alcohol and they'd strolled down the paths as the night wore on and the moon moved slowly across the dark blue sky.

Al noticed that Edward seemed quieter but he chalked it up to his older brother being tired, he had wanted to ask Ed about his leg but since he wasn't limping, Al decided not to bring it up.

"We should probably find the exit and a phone booth, we need to call a cab and head home soon, the carnival is gonna close in about an hour." Ed said over the rising and fading noise levels as they walked, he was looking at his pocket watch.

Alphonse nodded as he sipped the sweet Kvass, he was feeling good and even a little sleepy. He had hoped to have a good time and he really ended up doing just that and as far as he could tell, Edward had as well. So if he went home right then, he'd be content with everything as it was, heck, he might even be able to sleep without any medication.

Getting the sleep he'd needed the past two nights had helped to get his mental shit back in order, he'd re-established his brotherly resolve and figured out a few new ways to deal with his non-platonic feelings for Ed and it was working wonderfully, he hadn't slipped up once and Al was confident he'd get better at it. It helped his efforts that Edward seemed happy too, he hadn't complained of a headache from the noise, he hadn't snapped at anyone, he hadn't glowered, or nit-picked or rolled his eyes and every time he spoke to someone in Drachman at a vendor or at an amusement ride, Al's spine had tingled more and more.

 _'What a night…'_  Al sighed softly, contentedly and smiled,

"Can we just do one more thing before we go home, Brother?" he looked at Edward as they walked side by side, the older blonde raised his eyebrows,

"Sure Al, whatever you want." He smiled lazily.

Al actually wanted a lot of things, but he couldn't have them, so he stuck to his original and acceptable desire of the moment,

"Can we go on the ferris wheel before he leave for the night?" he specifically wanted to go on it while it was night instead of in the day time.

He knew that Central city and the landscape beyond would be breath-taking at night from that high up and he wanted to have something really distracting and beautiful to think about while he lay in bed that night…anything to keep him from dreaming of Edward.

Edward nodded by way of response and Al looked up at the slowly rotating lights, keeping his eyes on the looming wheel as they navigated their way toward it.

* * *

It was better than Al had imagined it would be.

Central looked like a labyrinth of fair gold and white light surrounded by a sea of black that was only interrupted occasionally by the loud and bright fireworks that lit up the sky, like stars…only much closer and far more sparkly.

He felt giddy as they reached the top of the ferris wheel's first rotation, Al was so amazed that he suggested Edward tell Mustang to erect a permanent ferris wheel out there and his older brother just smiled, amused. He continued to grin up at the sky as another firework boomed, Al squinted his eyes to the brightness even though it was a safe distance away and then watched the sparks dissipate and fade in sparling streaks. He inhaled the fresh air deeply and enjoyed the sweep of the wind over his face, it was chillier all the way up there but his hat kept his ears warm.

Alphonse smiled serenely, at peace for the first time in so long and he glanced at Edward, the older blonde was sitting back and staring out at the city…he seemed deep in thought about something and Al noticed a faint worry line between his eyebrows, it disappeared in the bright light of the next firework though and as they reached the bottom and all the rest of the lights, it seemed as though it hadn't been there at all.

Al figured he might just be imagining it, after all, the night was perfect, they were getting along better than they had in too long, Al felt so relaxed he was sleepy and Ed looked the same, nothing was  _wrong,_  so it made little sense to think Ed was upset.

 _'Probably just tired…_ ' he smiled as they rose again slowly and he leaned back. He was sitting about a half a foot away from Ed so when he leaned over and their shoulders bumped it wasn't too much of a stretch, he was comfortable like that. Edward slowly looked at him, his golden eyes seemed darker with his bangs shading them somewhat from the lights. Al smiled at him, hoping to bring a smile to Ed's face,

"Thanks again Edward, this was fun, I think we both needed it." He said quietly, his voice was soft and honest.

It was true, he'd needed a chance to show himself he could really do it, that he could really be the brother Ed deserved. He'd needed to see that all of his crying and sleepless nights weren't just leading up to another failure and disappointment on his part…and having gone through the entire night feeling so good and so happy and so –secretly- in love, but not  _hurting_  or  _uncertain,_  it all seemed perfectly  **worth it**.

Ed smiled at him lazily,

"Yeah, I think we did." He agreed and Al's confidence in his own deduction was validated by that agreement.

He looked out over the sky again as the wheel climbed higher, his gaze was on the bright and distant moon,

"I was serious about the Ferris wheel though, you should tell Mustang." He said again on the subject of the wheel becoming a permanent feature to the city.

"You know…I think he might actually consider it." Edward mumbled back, it was quieter the higher they went and so Ed spoke softer.

"I like Drachmans, I think I'd like Drachma. I'd like to go there sometime." Al sighed, speaking quieter as well as he touched the safety bar absently with one hand from where he was leaned back.

"It's really cold there." When Ed responded his voice seemed louder, Al expected it was because their heads were close and the older blonde was probably looking at him so his voice was carrying straight into Al's ear. The personal closeness of the moment made the hair stand up on the back of his neck in the best kind of way and he just continued to smile, enjoying the tingles.

He wondered if he should put some distance between them, but then reminded himself not to make things awkward. In the platonic sense there was nothing wrong with how they were sitting, they weren't even very close and the only point of contact was their shoulders.

 _'It's fine, I'm not in his personal space…'_  he assured himself and smiled sadly,

"You said it was too hot in Xing even though you'd never been there, but you can't tell me you don't ever want to go. It's so beautiful there too, I really wanted you to see it for yourself." Alphonse admitted.

Again he told himself it was okay to talk about Xing, Edward had never known that he'd wanted to go on a romantic trip to a private retreat in the far east so there was no harm in mentioning going there,

"Yeah, I'd go, I'd acclimatise eventually." Ed responded neutrally and Al went the extra distance to take any sort of hidden intent out of his suggestion, if only to ease his own guilt kindling in his stomach,

"Good, because I really want us to go there together." He said softly, "When I was there last, Ling told me we would be welcome at the Palace anytime, we'd be guests of honour." He informed.

He felt better after he said it, letting Ed know he wanted to take a trip to see a friend as brothers and nothing more. Edward didn't seem affected or suspicious by anything he was saying but he'd rather not risk fucking up royally after so much time and pain and trouble…

…it was almost hard to believe they'd come so far in a week.

It made him feel content, Alphonse memorised the feeling he had right then, he was  _happy_  and it filled his chest with a pleasant warmth, he glanced at Ed who wasn't smiling but looked just as calm,

"I'm glad you've said yes, I'll write him soon to let him know…" he mumbled appropriately quiet since they were at the very top and it was peaceful and breezy, "…we should plan a trip while you're not working so we can stay there for at least two weeks."

That sounded good, Ed wasn't working and he'd said he was going to get paid out a lot of Cenz in a few days. They could take a nice long trip and visit the Ling's palace, maybe travel further into Xing to the sea shore and they'd both get to see the ocean for the first time with their own eyes. Mei had told him about it, she'd never been herself but some Xingese villages were near the shoreline and travellers from there had told her tales of vast dark blue water stretching for miles into a distant horizon.

 _'That'd be so amazing to see…'_  he thought dreamily.

"Alphonse." Edward's voice was soft, so quiet and oddly firm.

He turned to look at Ed with a smile, wondering if sharing what he'd heard about the great ocean waters would bring back the excited grin Ed had had on his face when they'd ridden the rollercoaster.

Alphonse's excited words died in his throat however when he was facing Edward's serious –worried- expression, he looked very thoughtful about something but before Al could sit forward and ask what was wrong, Edward sat forward…

…and leaned into him. Al's breath stopped dead and his mind when  _blank -_ Edward kissed him lightly on his lips- Alphonse felt the hard seat of the ferris wheel against his shoulder blades and realised he was tense and pressing himself back into the seat. He was unconsciously trying to move away from Edward…because  _what the fuck was happening?_

The kiss –fuck, Edward had  **kissed**  him- was so quick and so slight and Al's mind had blanked so quickly that he hadn't even registered the sensation. So when everything clicked into place and he was staring straight into Ed's half lidded eyes and feeling his older brother's breath on his lips, Al felt like he would…cry.

He didn't understand.

And then Edward closed his eyes and kissed Al again, firm enough that his head pressed back against the seat and Ed's fingers tickled the side of his face as they slipped beneath the hat to cup his cheek. Everything slowed down as he failed to understand and didn't make another attempt to do so…because Edward's tongue moved wetly against his lips and that was all it took.

Undone…

Alphonse let out the breath he'd held in and he shook from the lack of air and the overwhelming –confusing- wonderment of why Edward's tongue was slipping past his lips without hesitation to lick deep into his mouth. His skin was getting warmer, his fingertips, his ears, his cheeks…his mouth…Edward's mouth was so  _hot_  as it opened wider against his own.

He could _taste_  Edward, he could  _smell_  him…and it was not  **fair**  because he'd just…just been…

Alphonse kissed back because he couldn't bring himself not to, he wasn't willing to fight the rush of warm –but inappropriate- feelings spreading throughout his body like wildfire. His mouth had already opened to accommodate Edward's wet, slow kiss because it was what he wanted and needed and had been supressing with so much effort and his subconscious would not allow him to deny himself what he wanted but hadn't forcefully taken or asked for.

 _'Edward kissed me…I didn't…'_ the rest of his thought was lost to gentle quivers of pleasure when he opened his eyes for only second, right when Ed re-angled the kiss and confirmed for Al's confused conscious mind that it was Ed  _kissing him_  and not some twisted misunderstanding. Al could hear every shaken inhale and exhale he made, he could hear the soft wet pops of the kiss every time Ed sucked on his tongue –fuck, he was getting aroused enough that it'd be embarrassing to get off the ferris wheel soon- over the thundering of his heart in his chest.

Then Edward pulled back and what had felt like forever ended with teeth raking lightly over his bottom lip and he was certain he'd made a pathetic little moan before Edward's lips were on his again and that time Alphonse reacted more surely because it was being given to him.

He didn't want to suffer the aftermath…but this wasn't his doing, it wasn't his fault…it wasn't his broken promise.

He was just lapping dazedly at the underside of his older brother's tongue when Edward pulled away much quicker than before and removed all contact. Al half gasped in a cold rush of air when the warmth of Ed's mouth and breath and hand were no longer touching him, and his thoughts suddenly veered into the fact that  _he should have said no_  because none of this made sense.

Alphonse blinked as the noise level rose over the sound of his heart beating in his ears, he glanced down and around to see they were descending and Ed pulling away did actually make sense then,

' _Can't be seen kissing my brother in public…_ ' his mind provided in a small panic and then the nonsensical part kicked in,  _'…why did Brother kiss me?_ ' he thought as he licked saliva that wasn't entirely his own off his lips.

Al whipped his head around to look at Edward, hoping to get some sort of answer from him, but the older blonde wasn't looking at him and his bangs hid his side profile from view. Alphonse's world sank quickly, his stomach bottomed out and any warmth or excitement –of the entire evening…the entire week- drained from him and brought wetness to his eyes.

Quickly he rubbed it away because they were nearly to the bottom of the ride where they'd have to get off. He realised his lips were quivering and he licked them a few more times -he just tasted Edward-, and more tears sprung to his eyes when he glanced over again to find Ed still wasn't looking at him and his posture was tense.

Alphonse glanced down and saw so many people looking up, despite the happy smiling faces, he felt accused, he felt wrong and he put some distance between himself and Edward just before they reached the platform.

Inside he was panicking, his stomach –which hadn't hurt in two days- started to churn and clench with a vengeance and it only got worse the more he questioned and doubted. They reached the bottom in the next minute and Al quickly shoved the safety bar up when it unlocked because it occurred to him then that Ed kissing him might have been a final  **test**. Edward could have been testing his dedication to being just brothers and if it was so…he'd  ** _failed_**.

And that meant that if he ever grovelled for forgiveness again, it'd be a completely empty gesture.

As empty as Alphonse felt as he shakily walked down the platform stairs, he felt frigid cold where Ed's hand landed heavily on his shoulder a moment later and directed him toward the exit in complete tense silence.

* * *

 

_On the narrowing line, what a way to sort my troubles_  
In a very short time, gonna pop, better duck and cover  
Can you figure me out? I got caught like a little kid stealing  
Did I say it too loud? A bit hard or a little misleading...

* * *

 

Alphonse didn't look at or speak to Edward at all, not while they waited outside the bustling carnival for a cab in the strangely colder wind, not during the ride home where they each sat at the far ends of the passenger seat and not while they climbed the stairs toward their apartment.

He wasn't brave enough to look over again and see Edward avoiding his eyes; Al was swallowing painful lumps constantly, clenching his shaking hands deep in his pants pockets and trying not to show how upset he was.

It felt unreal, how quickly things had fallen apart and all Alphonse could ask himself was 'how can I fix it?' because if it had been a test –what else could it have been?- then he'd barrelled head first into the wrong answer. It wasn't a fair test though, how could Edward do that to him? He'd told the older blonde he wasn't perfect, he'd told Ed he was struggling to sleep only a few days ago, he'd been honest with Edward the whole time about his effort, so why couldn't Edward have kept this kind of test for much later…when Al was  **much**  stronger.

 _'I can tell him it was too soon…'_  he thought weakly as they reached their floor and he fell behind Edward as they walked to their apartment door. The older blonde was carrying Al's keys and he pulled them out of his back pocket roughly before he pinched the door key between his fingers and jammed it into the keyhole loudly.

 _'He's angry, I've let him down again.'_ Al thought as Edward shoved the door inward and then stepped aside. For the first time in an hour Ed looked at him and Al noticed how stressed he looked as he gestured for Al to go in first.

Not wanting to make things any worse by doing the wrong thing, Alphonse walked into the dark apartment quickly, he sidestepped CookieBoots who came trotting quickly to the door with a cat-like grumble and Al belatedly realised the cat was going to run out. He turned around where he stopped a few steps in and was relieved when Edward caught the furry pet with one arm and then came inside and closed the door quietly.

He watched as Ed lightly dropped CookieBoots on all four of his outstretched legs after rubbing the back of his neck a few times. The furry animal rubbed itself against Al's leg one slow time while he stretched his back legs out and then he trotted into the dark hall again. Alphonse thought to follow him, his bedroom wasn't far and he would find some miserable isolation there…as well as what was left of his anxiety medication.

He glanced back to Edward when he heard the lock click shut and the jingle of the key in the door, Ed's back was to him again as the older blonde locked the door and Al took a step back toward the hall as if to sneak away…but then he realised what he was doing.

 _'I can't run away, I have to at least_ _ **try**_ _to apologise or something.'_  He slid his gaze to the light switch on the wall for the hall and reached out, sliding his fingers over it so it clicked on and provided some light.

Edward kept his eyes down and let his bangs keep his face covered when he turned around and all but kicked his boots off. They hit the outside of the closet door with dull thuds and Al pulled his shaking hands out of his pockets as he absently stepped out of his shoes as well.

The tiles were cold through his socks and the wall he leaned against for balance was equally cold under his palm. He was just pushing his shoes with his foot to join the untidy pile of Ed's boots outside the closet door when Edward glanced at him, golden eyes holding an emotion Al couldn't read, and then he attempted to  _walk away_.

Al's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open just slightly in shock.

Ed just missed to brush shoulders with Al as he passed by him to enter the hall and Alphonse took in a quick breath before he spun around and caught Edward's forearm tightly in his hand just before Ed got passed the corner and turned into the hall. He hadn't intended his grip to be so harsh, it wasn't out of anger though, only desperation to _understand_.

He shook his head and stared at the back of Edward's head,

"Please don't walk away,  _please_ , I won't sleep Ed, I can't even think straight right now. I don't understand why you did that and I'm  **sorry**  if I did something wrong. Please…" he trailed off when the older blonde who hadn't turned around at first, slowly did so now.

Edward looked at him, just  _looked_  at him with slightly wide eyes and then shook his head,

"You haven't done anything wrong…" to Al it sounded like the same old lines Edward always fed him, taking all the blame, "…it's me Al, I'm sorry."

Alphonse felt like he was going to be sick because his stomach wouldn't settle, yet it was more of a crumble to floor in pain sick than anything else. He brought his hands to his hair and grabbed two handfuls of it as his anxiety piqued and he made a soft keening noise of misery, he felt like he was losing his mind,

"Not again," he breathed out and clenched his eyes shut, "don't start this aga-…!" he was thrown completely off guard when two firm hands grabbed his waist and pushed him backwards.

Alphonse half stumbled into the wall of the entrance way, only half stumbled because Edward was holding him up…against the wall. He was a bit lower in height than Ed because he'd fallen back at the last second and his shoulders hurt from the impact. He opened his eyes and frowned up at Ed –blatantly confused- but he hadn't the chance to ask a question because Edward leaned in and kissed him… **again**.

Third time for the night…Alphonse felt dizzy from the sheer fucking ludicrousness of it.

He inhaled deeply through his nose since Ed's lips were planted sealed against his own and he grabbed Ed's shoulders as he tried to right his feet underneath him so he could stand up straight. It was quite arousing when Edward did it for him, firm hands slid up from his waist to hold his flanks before the older blonde pulled him off the wall to stand up straight. At the same time Ed pressed a few slow closed mouth kisses to his own…and Alphonse's reactions to them were delayed and seemed loud in the quiet apartment.

For the moment it was happening, much like it had on the ferris wheel, and Alphonse went with it because it was just  _better_  when he didn't even think about fighting it. He wanted to be kissing Edward…he  _wanted_  Edward. Al encircled Edward's neck with his arms at the same time as his older brother encircled his torso and pulled him closer…so they were flush against each other. Alphonse's senses were titillated instantly by the heat and the feeling of Ed's bangs tickling his face.

The slowly moistening closed lipped kisses smacked softly in the hall as Alphonse felt his arousal stir –because how could it not- in his lower abdomen, making him acutely aware of Ed's firm and so missed body pressed against his, chest to chest, stomach to stomach, pelvis to pelvis…to Al it still felt like the perfect fit for him.

Slowly…the kisses turned wetter as Edward skimmed his lips with his tongue and on a shuddering breath Al moved his tongue to meet Ed's.

He didn't understand it. But as it always had, it felt right…it felt good.

And the light tongue kisses Edward was playing over his lips were sensually sweet in contrast to the deep tongued kiss they'd shared on the ferris wheel. As unclear as it all was it only made less sense as Ed's kisses left his lips and started to move down along his jaw…to his earlobe where Edward kissed wetly just below it and exhaled warmly against the moisture making Al purse his tingling lips and press closer.

Alphonse leaned his head to the side automatically, seconds later Ed's hand came up to cradle the side of his face and neck as he kissed lower, along where Al's pulse thrummed quickly in his throat and he could hear his own breath escalating as the kisses kindled his sexual needs quickly. When Edward dipped his tongue into the hollow of Al's clavicle, Alphonse realised his hands were on the back of Ed's neck, fingers raking through the hair at the nape gently and in an encouraging way, he hadn't even realised he was doing that.

He felt hot and dizzy –and confused- and hadn't spared a thought for where his hands were because all he cared about was where Edward's mouth was.

Al considered words to voice his questions as he licked the taste of Edward off his lips and his eyes opened and closed in rhythm with Edward's gentle kisses and suckles to the front of his throat, but what good would words do? He hadn't initiated this, Edward had –Ed who was breathing heavily against his skin and running firm hands down his side and into his hair-…surely if Ed had anything crucial to say he'd have used his lips for that instead of what he was currently doing with them.

 _'This is…'_  Al breathed out a soft moan when Edward's hand left his hair to slide down and pull the neck of his shirt down, giving the older blonde access to lick slowly along his collar bone. Al swallowed slowly and exhaled shakily when Ed levelled with him again a second later and gave him a short but intense look before he kissed his mouth roughly.

Open and wet and deep and no longer sweet but with sexual intention that made Al weak with arousal.

Next Edward's hands moved together to settled back on his lower waist and with a tug he was lead after Ed when the older blonde walked backwards in the direction of the lounge entrance which was only a few steps away.

It had to be okay…Al hoped it was okay, when he reacted beyond his hesitance and pulled himself against Edward again as they walked. He caused them to stumble into the lounge at the suddenness of it, In the way where their socked feet inter-stepped and he felt Ed's muscled leather clad thigh brush between his legs just before their pelvis' bumped together and Al realised –with a quick intake of breath against Ed's open mouth- that his older brother was  **aroused**  and hard inside his leathers, and pressing against it even that briefly made Al moan quietly.

They navigated with glances and barely parting kisses until they were around the table and the length of the three seat couch was just behind Ed's legs. Al pushed him back and their kiss separated with a soft smack, he was feeling a moment of sexual prowess, his deeply root sexual desire for Ed was slowly overshadowing his confusion. When Edward landed halfway sitting and lying at an angle on the couch and raised his leg between Al's own to hook his flesh foot to the back of Al's knee, it dawned on Alphonse…that Edward was leading this, he wanted this all on his own. This was a side of Ed Al had only seen in brief moments of sexual abandon, except now, it was predominant and it didn't seem like it was being expressed out of pity.

Alphonse felt  _hope_  –all over again- wash over him and he raised his leg as directed by Ed's foot as the older blonde adjusted himself on the couch, lying properly sideways and making room for Al to straddle him. And Alphonse did, and he did so slowly, breathing heavily, frowning lightly, intentionally leaning his hands on Ed's abs and pushing them up –along with Ed's shirt so some of his stomach was exposed- to his chest, as he settled. He sat on his older brother's crotch…and feeling Ed's hard cock pressed against his buttocks made Al shiver as he felt his own cock throb inside his pants.

"Al…" Edward ran firm, slender hands up his thighs as he straddled the older blonde's waist, one hand slipped under his shirt to caress Al's stomach and Alphonse gripped two handfuls of Ed's shirt under his hands when his brother's other hand moved to his inner thigh. Ed smoothed his hand along Al's pants and then he palmed and rubbed Alphonse's erection firmly through his pants and ground up against his buttocks at the same time, his golden eyes half lidded and intentions so clear and yet not.

Alphonse shuddered bodily and pushed himself against Edward's hand, rubbing his ass against Edward's clothed erection as he did so and Ed's hand shot up from his crotch to his shirt to grab it by the collar before he yanked Al down. Edward leaned up to meet him with an open mouth, breathy kiss but Alphonse pressed him back so his head was flat on the couch seat and he gave up on wondering what and why the fuck this was happening as he met Edward's tongue and kissed him deeply and slowly.

Edward responded well, very well, very aggressively with tongue and teeth, hands on Al's neck and chest, with hips bumping up to grind against Al's rear roughly. Fuck…it was getting hard to catch his breath.

Alphonse threw any questions to wind once and for all as he moved his hands down over the bunched up shirt so his warm palms caressed Edward's chest and abdomen skin to skin. The older blonde's hands moved down Al's sides to his waist to hold him and Edward started to move his hips upwards with a steady rhythm, rubbing clothed erection against Alphonse's ass in a slow, unashamed, firm motion as he used his hands to push Al down against him.

And it made Alphonse so hard that it hurt –because Edward was simulating sex, he was dry humping Alphonse- and he'd never done that before, never seemed so eager, never sought friction in such a horny way. Al he slid his lips away almost drunkenly from Edward's to moan against the older blonde's cheek, clenching his eyes shut as volts of arousal ran straight down his legs and into his cock every time Ed pressed up against him, making him hot and uncomfortable in his restricting and dampening underwear and pants,

"Ed-ward…" he pressed his hands flat to Ed's pectorals and then upward beneath the shirt so his fingers grazed the bottom of Ed's throat, he felt the older blonde exhale against the side of his face and the grinding slowed to a stop.

Everything stopped for a moment and their panting breaths filled the dark lounge, Alphonse licked at the wetness of his lips and the corner of his mouth, saliva left there by slick, messy kissing. Al felt Edward's hands smooth up over his buttocks and then his lower back back, sliding under his shirt along his sides as he leaned over the older blonde,

"Take off your shirt." Edward breathed against the side of his face and Al shivered at the sensation against his hot skin and did as told. He pressed a kiss to Ed's cheek absently before he raised his arms, sitting up as the older blonde pushed the shirt up most of the way before Al pulled it over his head and tossed it on the coffee table.

Edward's hands glided back down over his shoulders, over his chest, his nipples and over his abs before his fingers stopped at the button of Al's pants and without hesitation, Ed undid the fastenings.

Alphonse felt hot and short of breath, his skin was prickling with sweat as Edward left his pants undone before he pulled himself up, using only his abdomen muscles and –fuck- did his defined muscles tense and ripple in the most arousing way.

Edward rubbed Al's back slowly, firmly, kissing his neck and chest and breathing hotly against Al's skin for a short tender moment, raising goosebumps on Al's skin and making him anxious for more. Alphonse hadn't closed his eyes again yet, he kept watched Ed's lips on his chest, watched as Ed's bangs tickled his skin and stuck to it as the heat rose between them, Edward just continued to map out the skin of Al's torso with his lips and hands.

Alphonse watched as Edward closed his eyes and trailed his nose and lips slowly up along his sternum, breathing lightly in and a smile touched Ed's lips and Al felt a thrill unfurl inside him at that smile…while doing this…so sweet and real. With a slight wetness in his eyes and a small smile on his own face he did as Edward had, slowly trailing his hands down his older brother's sides until he took up the hem of Ed's shirt where it had fallen back down and he drew it up slowly. Edward parted from Al's skin and raised his arms so Al could slide his shirt off slowly, he watched Edward's torso muscles stretch as he did so, and he threw the shirt aside the moment Edward's bangs and ponytail were free of it. Then he ran his hands into Ed's bangs and leaned down to close the short distance between their lips, and he kissed Edward lovingly, firmly, closed mouthed and soft.

Edward's eyes opened and Alphonse's were as well, he saw the older blonde's need, his  _want_  and his love and Al felt the smile against his lips before Ed shifted sideways, drawing his legs up behind Al enough so that the younger blonde would know to turn with him.

They shared some more tender, teasing mouth to mouth kisses as they turned over, manoeuvring on the couch until Al was situated on his back with Edward gently settling between his legs so their bare chests were flush. And once they were comfortable they kissed and touched each other in different measures, deeply and aggressively when Edward would rake his fingernails through Al's short hair or bite his neck or nipples and then sensually when Alphonse would quiver beneath the older blonde's firm, heated body and their breaths would mingle between kisses. Absently as they reacquainted with their lost intimacy, their slowly grinding bodies and Ed's sneaky hands shimmed Alphonse's pants down along with his underwear until it was caught around his upper thighs.

And when Al was exposed, his throbbing flushed cock being pressed and rubbed between their stomachs, spreading moisture and sticking skin, Alphonse gave Edward a deep , messy kiss, trying to convey all of the overwhelming and wonderful things he felt at being with his brother that way again. Edward breathed deeply into the kiss and returned it generously, but when they parted their situation became apparent. With Al's underwear and pants stuck on his upper thighs, it could go no further down unless Edward moved and the older blonde seemed far too engrossed in devouring Al's mouth again to be interested in moving.

Edward's eagerness only made Al higher on his emotions and desires, he wanted more…

And then Edward spoke and Alphonse's heat blurred mind cleared up somewhat at the words mumbled against his burning lips. He stared up at Ed and blinked a few times, swallowing slowly before he was able to focus,

"W-what did you say?" he asked breathily, shifting some of Ed's bangs framing the older blonde's face with his exhale as he unconsciously squeezed his legs tighter against Edward's sides.

Some smothered concern over what they were doing and why and whether it was going to backfire on him surfaced then and made Alphonse worry that Ed was about to stab him emotionally in his guts with some softly voiced denial or excuse for why they shouldn't be doing this.

Edward kissed his lower lip softly, he hadn't realised he was shaking with apprehension,

"I said…" Edward shifted so his naked lower stomach pressed Alphonse's sticky erection between them, "…I want to be with you."

Al's mouth fell open as a shock of pleasure moved through him at the words he hadn't ever heard before, he arched up sharply against Ed to feel the strong, close resistance and the hot arousal he felt wet the head of his cock with new pre-come and made his legs shake at Ed's sides.

 _'Please don't let this be a dream…or a lie…'_  he thought desperately, he didn't know if what Ed said was a question but he answered anyway,

"Yes, please, o-okay…" he reached a trembling hand up and stroked his fingers through Ed's bangs "…I want you too, Brother."

 _'Fuck'_  his mind snapped and he panicked, eyes widening the second the word –fuck that word that felt so right- was out of his mouth. Edward seemed to hold his breath for a fraction of a second, but he didn't look disturbed or like his world was shaken up by hearing it. Edward blinked slowly after some quiet panting passed and then one of his hands came to rest on the side of Al's face, his thumb brushed the underside and then over Al's lips,

"Thank you." Edward said in a slightly shaken voice, eyes set intently on Alphonse's face.

The younger blonde was baffled by that response that he didn't understand anymore that he did the reason they were half naked and sexing each other up on the couch. It contradicted  _everything_  that had been set in motion recently and even a few weeks before that. But he was glad his mental distress was redirected to Edward's hand as it slid between their bodies, the older blonde rubbed Al's cock once only and then raised his hips somewhat to give himself room to slip his hand further into Al's –thankfully- less than skin hugging pants.

Had Alphonse been wearing jeans Edward would have had a much harder time getting his hand into Al's pants. He moaned shortly when Ed palmed and rolled his balls gently and then more loudly when Edward pressed two fingers against his anus while still cradling his scrotum. Alphonse couldn't help arching up or huffing out a surprised breathy noise as he made a futile attempt to spread his legs farther apart. His back had been stuck to the black leather from the heat and sweat radiating off his body and it peeled from him when he arched.

In the past Edward had always been predictable in his process of foreplay, it consisted of some kissing, some touching, some lubing and then quiet sex. But now Ed was rubbing his fingers slowly and firmly against Alphonse's most personal area and they weren't even naked for prepping yet. Al felt his anal walls clenching and relaxing in anticipation of what he always knew to come next but then Edward drew his hand out of Al's pants and the older blonde moved to sit back on his legs between Al's legs, using the younger blonde's hip for leverage.

Alphonse's hands had slipped off Edward's back when he sat up and he had them suspended above his bare torso as he lay confused, feeling lost because his eager expectance to feel Ed's slender fingers slip inside of him had been unpleasantly interrupted by cold air between their skin when Edward sat back. He was still too turned on and tingling in his extremities from Edward's touch to stress and panic right away, so he just asked,

"What's wrong?" and when he did he repeated the question in his head and sat up on his elbows quickly.

Edward wasn't stressed though, he was gently rubbing his thumb over the slightly visible bone on Al's narrowed hip, while rubbing his other hand over his concealed erection slowly and firmly as he sat staring down at Alphonse in the way he did sometimes, as if the sight of Alphonse was the most interesting and attractive thing in the world.

Rubbing himself that way coupled with the look he was giving Al made the younger blonde's cock throb and weep against his stomach. Fuck, Edward's gaze was  _passionate_ , so much so that it made it hard to breath after a few seconds of Al being under it. Then Ed shook his head with a small smile,

" _Nothing_  is wrong…" the way he said it stole the tension slowly knotting itself up in Al's stomach right away and his insides quivered, "…I just need to go to the bathroom." Edward said quietly as his hand moved from Al's hip to caress over his stomach, his thumb dipped into Al's shallow naval slowly just as Ed's other hand slipped lower against his own crotch to where his balls were inside his leathers and he rubbed himself.

Alphonse bit and licked his lips as he watched this, his head felt so hot and heavy he thought he might start bleeding from his nose. Edward  _never_  looking at him so wantonly before and it was making him feel nervous and dirty in a very pleasant way. He was ridiculously flustered as it was but Edward's words made him blush with embarrassment when they finally registered,

"Oh, you need to pee…?" he asked as he shifted up toward the arm rest of the couch to give Ed room to move.

Edward caught his ankle as he pulled his leg up from where it rested on Ed's one side,

"No Al…" he laughed softly and did the weirdest –sweet and strange- thing, "…I need to get the  _lube_ …" Ed muttered as he pressed Al's socked foot to his chest and started to peel the black cotton down to the remove the item of clothing.

Alphonse could never have imagined having Edward pull his sock off could make him shudder that badly with want, even more so when the sock was off and Ed put his foot back against his firm chest and tenderly caressed his fingers over the top of Al's foot and into his pants leg, making the hairs on Al's legs tickle as he did so.

 _'…'_  Al's made could only make a strange, quiet noise as he blinked slowly and licked his lips,

"Okay…" he said numbly after a moment and he memorised the feeling of Edward's  _hot_  chest beneath the sole of his pale, cold foot because it was a  _new_  feeling and Edward was so hot…in every way.

Ed smiled and slowly set Al's foot down to where he moved one of his legs off the couch when he got up. Alphonse was about to ask him where the hell he was going when Edward's words caught up with him and he quickly sat up, body tensing with self-anger as his eyes widened,

"No…" he said audibly and Edward stopped just as he'd stepped around the coffee table, his face looked a bit white for some reason when he turned back and his eyes darted to the side quickly before he frowned softly,

"No?" his voice was quiet as he regarded Al.

Alphonse didn't have time to register Edward's worry because he wanted to slap himself and pull his hair out,

"Fuck! Fuck…" he almost didn't want to say it aloud because he knew how Edward felt about that particular thing,

"Al, what's wrong?" Edward asked as he walked back around the coffee table.

Alphonse pushed his legs off the couch and sat forward angrily, pressing his face into his hands,

"I…we… **don't**  have lube." He mumbled and cursed himself for having ever thrown it out.

He felt weight shift on the couch and he knew Ed had sat down beside him, so he turned his head to look at his older brother apologetically, showing how deeply disappointed he was that he'd fucked up and ruined this…whatever it was that was happening.

"Are you sure, there was an unused bottle in the bathroom cabinet…?" Ed asked as he tucked his unruly bangs behind his ears. His question increased Al's anger at himself even more when the older blonde casually unbuttoned and unzipped his leather pants where he sat, exposing his underwear that was pushed low on his hips…and the strip of hair leading down to a prominent bulge partially visible under the cotton as well as a wet patch on Ed's dark blue shorts that made Al hurt with need.

It wasn't how he'd imagined he'd fuck up for the night, but he still had in some way.

He ran his hand through his hair as he raised and dropped his other one in gesture of defeat,

"I threw it all out…the last time…when I, when we ended it…that time…" bringing that up couldn't have been helping the situation, it was actually taking the heat right out of his body to bring up the past when he only wanted to be in the present, trapped beneath Ed's body and waiting to have his brother's cock buried to the hilt inside of his sensitive rectum.

He craved that pleasure with every inch of his body…he could have cried at how upset he was with himself.

So close to being with Edward in some new way and this had to happen.

Alphonse hunched over, leaning his forearms along his thighs as he pressed his thighs together, his erection wasn't waning too badly and that wasn't any fairer because he was still so turned on. He didn't know why Edward  _wanted_ him but he'd never dream of saying no when he could have it. But he knew his brother and sex well enough to know that there would be no penetration of  _any_  kind without lubrication, it was something Ed had always insisted on and never for a second let up about.

"Oh…" he heard Ed say, his tone was disappointed as well and Alphonse felt a bit better knowing Ed had really been keen on being with him, even in all of the lack of sense this made, that helped him feel better. So he ventured bravely,

"We could substitute it…with lotion or…"

"No Al, I've told you before…" Edward looked at him with a cocked eyebrow and Al squeezed his legs together tighter, not caring that his pants weren't even completely off his legs, "…it's not like they make it sound in those pornographic novels you've read, anal fucking without proper lube is just  _pain_." He said it so crudely that Al blushed.

Edward  _never_ talked about sex using that vocabulary with him, but he liked it.

Al sighed and frowned, he was upset,

"I know, I know…dammit…" he pressed his face back into his hands, not wanting to see whatever expression Edward had on his face. He was expecting some awkward conversation to follow everything that had happened now and he was yet again left with a need he felt too guilty to self-satisfy.

The weight lifted from the couch beside him and he felt like he'd cry if Edward said 'goodnight' or something equally fucking aggravating, but then it resettled closer to him so that the warmth of Ed's naked upper body was right next to him.

"It's fine Al," he said in a low voice and kissed Al's neck as a hand smoothed along Al's thigh, Edward pushed his pants and underwear down to his knees so they dropped to pool at Al's feet, "I can wait…" Al's heart skipped a few beats, it actually hurt how quickly blood rushed back into his erection, "…lie back down." Ed kissed his shoulder.

Alphonse was shaking again, ridiculously overwhelmed with feeling even though he had no fucking idea what Ed was going to do. He did as told, lifting his feet out of his pants and underwear –one socked and one not- before he moved to lay his sticky back onto the cool leather again, taking direction from Edward who shifted as well to kneel between his legs. He took in a deep breath when he was laying back down with his legs spread either side of Ed and his naked body completely was exposed in a way he could never properly describe for how intensely sexual and vulnerable it made him feel…or how much he loved the feeling of Edward being the person making him feel that way.

Edward leaned over him then and they kissed for a minute, slow and deep and wet enough that Al swallowed a few times during to keep from choking. His hips jerked upwards when Edward's hot palm rubbed along his cock unexpectedly, pressing it against his own quivering stomach before he took it into his full grip. He started to stroke, Edward knew how to work his hand along Alphonse's cock better than Al did with his own and he moaned involuntarily into Ed's mouth as sensation spread over his naked skin and into his tender scrotum. There was a big difference between friction on his erection and being penetrated, and while he'd always enjoyed being penetrated, Al often forgot how good it felt to have something squeezing around his cock.

Amazingly, thinking of his recent experience with Elizabeth didn't even come close to Edward's hand. It was electric with Edward, it was pure love driven desire, so raw it made Alphonse moan again just thinking about it as Ed ran a hand through Al's hair, pressing his head back into his couch as the older blonde jerked his hand faster and rubbed his thumb against the sensitive frenulum and up to press into the moist slit of Al's cock.

Alphonse felt his orgasm building slowly as he jerked his hips upward erratically, legs spreading wider with every tight stroke and as he thrust himself into Ed's hand out of rhythm with his brother's fisted movements. Al felt vaguely disappointed at the anticlimactic end to the spontaneous want that Edward admitted to. A hand job was not nearly as excellent as having Edward fuck him dizzy –in the lounge no less- would have been, but it was more than he'd ever thought he'd have again and it was his fault for throwing the lube out anyway.

His heavy breathing slowed and a moan was cut short when Edward stopped jerking him off and Al opened his eyes and looked down at his brother. Ed was frowning about something and staring right at him, he inhaled deeply and swallowed as Ed idly squeezed his erection and spoke,

"Move up, Al…" Edward said in a deep husk as he slowly removed his hand from Al's penis.

Al took a second to figure out his limbs and then he dug his one heel into the couch beside Ed's leather clad –why was he still wearing pants?- leg and pushed himself up toward the arm rest without asking any questions. He was sticking to the couch with the naked expanse of his skin so it was a bit difficult but once he was sitting with his lower back against the arm rest he felt it was worth it, because Ed moved closer and started to stroke his erection again as he kissed him slowly. Alphonse's breathing was becoming uneven again and after a few kisses Edward separated their mouths and pushed Al's right leg off the couch. Al let his foot touch the floor without question, he was getting to the point where reaching his release by Edward's hand was more important than anything so he moved as his brother wanted.

Then Edward squeezed his cock and pressed a slow kiss to Al's lower lip,

"I love you Alphonse…" Edward said quietly as he pressed his sticky forehead to Al's shoulder. Alphonse quickly became preoccupied by the coils of pleasure gathering in his groin from Ed's consistently slow strokes along his erection, he closed his eyes when Edward pressed a few kisses to his chest and lower stomach and then Al's mouth fell open and he snapped his eyes opened as he moaned a bit loudly.

He'd felt a hot wetness over the head of his cock and Al inhaled loudly in shock as the pleasureof the moist sucking sensation reduced his legs to jelly, and he was moaning again even louder and tensing with pleasure twice as harshly as he watched Edward  **use his mouth**.

"Aah, Edward!" he said in a quivering huff as he watched Ed's head bobbing slowly, his mouth sucking specifically around the head of Al's erection.

Alphonse was overwhelmed, it was his first blow job and Edward's tongue was sucking and swirling and he'd only ever fantasised about it until now but as usual, the real thing was so much better. The pressure and pull of it was divine and when Edward dipped his jaw, widened his mouth and Al's cock disappeared all the way into it to where he felt the head of his erection brush the narrowing beginning at the back of his older brother's throat, Al's balls tightened, his hips jerked upwards and with several quick breaths and a bodily shudder Alphonse came with a weak moan and twitching hands gripping Ed's bare shoulders.

He couldn't have stopped himself, the visual of Ed sucking him off had pushed him over the edge and he hadn't even had the courtesy Ed usually showed to warn his brother before he ejaculated in his mouth. His mind was blank and his body flushed with intense pleasure from the new and unexpected experience, he felt Ed's throat tense around his pulsing cock just once before the hot, wet feeling of the older blonde's mouth was gone.

Al was still coming though and the last of it Edward milked with his hand. Al enjoyed the tight pressure of pleasure in his loins as it unfurled and spread throughout his body in hot waves. He'd leaned sideways into the back of the couch, exhaling loudly against the leather and when the pleasure simmered to a warm tingle he opened his eyes and his eyes drifted from the sticky mess on his stomach up to Ed's face.

Edward was sitting back again, he didn't look disgusted which relieved Al but he wasn't smiling. Alphonse sniffed and exhaled shakily as pleasure spent shivers moved up and down his spine and then it sunk in, that Edward had just given him  _oral sex_ …without being forced, or asked or coerced and that his older brother –despite not smiling- had a tender expression on his face. Al because aware of a hand lightly caressing one of his calves as he blinked slowly, his eyes quickly becoming wet with tears…of a warm happiness he didn't think he deserved. Not because of what Ed had done physically, but because of the emotional significance behind it. It felt like honesty, like acceptance, real desire, like a confession...

"Al," Edward frowned and when he moved to lean closer Alphonse pushed himself forward and grabbed Edward's face with both hands and he kissed him, shortly but deeply and he clenched a few tears out of his eyes. Slowly he drew back, missing Ed's tongue against his own the second their mouths parted but he needed to say,

"Lie down Edward, let me…" he didn't think it was necessary to finish his sentence. He couldn't get hard right away again but he still felt thrums of arousal pass through him at the thought of having the weight of his brother's cock on his tongue again after so long. He loved the way Ed tasted…

But Edward just shook his head slightly and his hands skirted over Al's skin on his sides with ticklish softness,

"I told you, I can wait…" he swallowed as though his throat had tensed up. Alphonse frowned at the words, he felt that Ed didn't have to wait, he deserved to be satisfied, after all they wouldn't have been in that –glorious- unexpected situation had it not been for Edward.

Alphonse sniffed softly and kissed Edward, hoping to get him to change his mind, the smack of it was loud now that their breathing had calmed and Al relaxed back to laying down when Ed leaned forward and eased his weight on top of Al, kissing his neck sweetly. Alphonse closed his eyes and fought back tears as the happy feeling grew stronger in his chest and it was so surreal for Ed to be this way with him.

It felt  **natural** , something it had never felt before.

The feeling of 'we're brothers' and 'this is wrong' didn't even hold a presence between them right then.

When Edward laid flush against Alphonse he felt the hardness still confined in his older brother's pants press against his inner hip and he inhaled slowly, fingering the length of Ed's untidy ponytail as he rubbed his hands over Ed's back,

"Ed, I love you too…" he said belatedly in response to Ed's words from earlier, spoken just before the older blonde had spun Al's world off its axis for a wet, succulent minute. He smiled contentedly as Ed trailed slow kisses along the side of his face and Al wrapped his lower legs around Ed's thighs. With one of his hands he massaged Ed's well-muscled back, he could feel Edward's scarred skin in comparison to his other flesh and Al couldn't help tracing a few of the scars with his fingers.

With his other he reached down between their bodies, his fingers skimming through the remaining stickiness on his stomach before he turned his hand palm up to firmly cup his brother's erection through his boxers. Al's fingers caught on the outside and inside of Ed's tight pants,

"Take your pants off…" he said in a low voice, his body was sated and Edward wasn't letting up on his kisses but Al wanted to get him off.

Alphonse wondered just what was so good about his skin that Ed wouldn't stop kissing and sucking on it. Not that it wasn't fun to make–out, it was just so distracting right then.

Edward nipped at his adams apple before he exhaled heavily against Al's skin and leaned his weight on one arm along the inside of the couch so he could reach down and push his pants down. There was some shimmying involved in Edward's de-panting but once he'd kicked the leather off, Alphonse waited for him to settle back atop him before he ran his legs along Edward's and ran his hand down Ed's side quickly before slipping it back between their bodies and wrapping his fingers around Ed's erection inside his boxers.

Edward was watching him closely, their faces were hovering an inch apart, every breath Edward exhaled Al felt and the very second he had the older blonde's erection in his palm, he leaned up to close the inch between their mouths, he kissed Edward languidly while feeling his way along the familiar hot, smooth skin of Ed's cock in his hand. Ed throbbed in his grasp and his breath hitched against Al's lips between a kiss, Alphonse left Ed's mouth so he could trail wet kisses over the veins and tendons sexily protruding along Ed's sweat sheened throat as he worked his hand up to a fast, tight rhythm between them. The older blonde moaned quietly and his hips thrust into Al's hand a few times before he felt Ed's hand join his.

What happened next could have easily made Al hard again had it not been over so quickly.

Edward pushed himself up and gently detached Alphonse's hand from his erection with a kiss to his palm before he pushed his shorts down to expose himself fully and when Al tried to sit up the older blonde placed one sticky palm on his shoulder and pressed him back down, leaning over him again.

Alphonse's lips parted when Ed tongued his mouth without intent to kiss him properly and the younger blonde became aware that Edward was jerking himself off between them as he looked up into his brother's face. He watched the telling signs of twitches in his face, the soundless moans leaving Ed's parted lips and the desire reflected in his half lidded eyes as they roamed freely over Al's nakedness,

"Al, fuck…you're beautiful…" the sound of wet squelching started to join their breathing and Al felt himself start to get hard again as Edward stroked his cock in quick, determined movements between them. He could feel Ed's knuckles brushing against his lower abdomen with every movement and it turned him on. Edward dipped his head lower as he moaned brokenly and Al tried to catch his lips as he raised his hands and added to pleasing Edward by sensually thumbing his hard nipples and massaging Ed's hot skin.

Al had just leaned up to plant a wet, suckle to Edward's throat when he heard the older blonde breathe out in a loud shudder followed by a soft groan and the squelching sound increased with his erratic hand movements as Alphonse felt Ed's come land on his lower stomach and midsection. Al breathed out shakily as he looked between them to see his brother ejaculate –for him and on him- and he squeezed the skin of Edward's chest as fresh arousal coursed through him,

"Edward…" he moaned quietly, surprised by how much Edward's obvious wanting for him drove his need crazy.

It had  **never**  been like this between and it was better than he could have imagined it'd be.

Nothing he'd fantasised could compare to Edward groaning above him with a euphoric expression on his face, slicked with sweat, shivering with orgasm, breathing heavily against his lips and coming on his stomach…just because Edward found him  _beautiful_.

Alphonse felt ridiculously hot and lightheaded as their deep breaths mingled into a kiss, noisy and wet and as sexually raw and real as Alphonse had ever hoped for. Edward pressed their bodies together as he relaxed his weight and everything smelled perfect…of Ed's hot skin and his sex…the musk was intoxicating.

Alphonse wrapped his arms around Edward's neck and shoulder as the kiss turned slow…and personal. It felt like it was the longest, and by the far the best, Al had ever shared with Ed and when breathing through the noses became insufficient, they stopped as slowly as it'd started and Al pressed one of his hands down Edward's damp skin, along his spine before his fingers found long hair and tangled up in the smooth strands. And then they just laid together in the cool lounge on the sticky leather and unwound, breathing quietly and Edward pressed his face into the side of Al's neck and inhaled deeply. Alphonse closed his eyes in satisfied exhaustion and when he felt Ed's arm move to embrace him, he arched –peeling his skin from the leather- and felt his brother's arms encircle his lower back.

It didn't matter that it wasn't all that comfortable…it was bliss enough just being there.

It was still unexplained, it would be potentially emotionally damaging and mentally agonising when it would actually be over, but right then, it was just bliss. He clutched Edward tightly above him and focused on the steady beat of the older blonde's heart as they lay chest to chest…

 _'Please don't let this be some twisted fucking dream…'_  he dug his nails into the skin under his hands and pressed as close to the warm, familiar body above him as he clenched his eyes shut and turned his face so he was inhaling the scent of Ed's skin and his bangs which clung to both of their faces.

He was hit with the overwhelming urge to cry the quieter their breathing became and the less he could feel Edward's regulating heartbeat. The word  _mistake_  reverberated in his mind as he wondered if Ed would say it was just that, because the world around them had to return to  _normal_  and the sun would come up and in daylight their intimacy would seem dirty and wrong again…

Alphonse didn't say a word or move a muscle as he enjoyed Ed's weight and warmth above him, he didn't even startle when CookieBoots appeared by the side of the couch and hopped up on the table. Al rolled his head to the side better to looked at his cat, who slowly hunkered down and curled his paws up under his furry cinnamon coloured chest, getting into a comfortable position. Alphonse knew the innocent animal had no idea what he was looking at but he still managed a blush at being so blatantly stared at by little blue eyes.

Al blinked out of his daze when he felt Edward lift his head away from his neck and he was able to feel and enjoy Edward's pointed nose brushing across the front of his neck as the older blonde turned his head and then raised it to look at the table.

"What are you looking at?" Edward mumbled to CookieBoots who made a -probably- clueless small meow at being addressed. Al looked from the cat to Ed, his cheek was inches away from Al's swollen red lips, he smiled slightly,

"It's like he knows…" Al joked quietly and hoped to see Ed smile,

"Little pervert." The older blonde muttered but didn't smile.

When he turned his head to look at Al it was at the same time as he raised himself up by his arms, their sticky skin pulled apart obscenely in some places and the younger blonde couldn't help feeling dirty for being aroused by it. Edward looked down at him, face framed by his untidy bangs that swayed slightly with every light exhale he made, Al met his eyes, worried about what he'd find –regret, misery, uncertainty-…

But Edward's gaze was tender,

"We should clean up…" and his voice quiet.

Alphonse swallowed slowly, still not understanding but too afraid to say so,

"S-shower?" he asked stupidly.

CookieBoots made a soft rolling 'r' noise and quickly hopped off the table for whatever reason.

Edward barely glanced in his direction and then caught Alphonse off guard with two quick lip to lip kisses before he pushed himself up properly and moved to get off the couch.

Al sat up slowly as his front was assaulted by the cool air and he flickered his gaze over Edward as the blonde righted his boxer shorts, pulling them onto his waist to cover the attractive sight of his nudity and then he started to pick up their thrown clothing.

Alphonse blinked and took his boxer-briefs when Edward handed them to him. He opened it out and started to pull it on to his legs as he watched Ed leave the lounge with handfuls of clothing. Alphonse stood up slowly, his knees still felt weak, and he glanced at the couch once he had his briefs on properly. He found that no matter how okay everything seemed on the surface, he couldn't get his head around it. He needed a reason, he needed to know why Edward had suddenly decided he wanted him, he needed to know if this was going to be labelled a  _mistake_  or a once off thing…he needed to know if they were going to start the suffering all over again.

 _'I have to ask.'_ He told himself as he heard the shower starting up down the hall. With a frown on his exhausted face Alphonse walked on shaking legs out of the lounge and into the hall.

* * *

_I went to a wishing well, but sank to the ocean floor_

_Cut up by sharpened rocks, and washed up along the shore_   
_I reached for a shooting star, it burned a hole through my hand_   
_Made it's way through my heart, had fun in the promise land..._


	16. Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the final chapter of Built For Sin, Bitter Sweet and it's epilogue which will be posted right after this chapter. I sincerely hope all of my readers have enjoyed the story and will find the ending to their satisfaction. I have enjoyed writing this and sharing my take on an incestuous relationship between these two characters with everyone. I hope readers will share their final thoughts on the ending, with me. Thank you for reading!
> 
> Also, I'd like to apologize to everyone for the too long delay in completing this, I had to work with lots of time constraints which set this final chapter back.
> 
> Thanks - to Vienna Wood for editing this chapter and this story, your assistance was greatly appreciated.
> 
> \- I'd like to thank PercyPo and Lyson for their recent art works dedicated to the story. Links to their images can be found on my fanfiction profile.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Placebo

 

_And that's the end and that's the start of it._

* * *

Edward breathed deeply…

…his mouth moved slowly, opening and closing against another wet eager mouth, his tongue slipping and sucking in and out against another, as he kissed Alphonse thoroughly…

His flesh and blood brother…Alphonse.

A pulse raced strong and steady and fast under the hand Ed stroked down the side of his younger brother's warm, sweat clammy neck. Audible breaths came out shortly and heavily through Al's blush stained nose to smooth against his own warm face as he devoured Al's pliant mouth, catching soft lips between his teeth when he could. A tense hand clutched at Ed's back and fingernails raked along the side of his neck, lean muscled familiar thighs squeezed against his hips as he easily pushed Al's unfastened pants down over his waist, his willing younger sibling raised his hips in compliance and made those noises that tested Edward's sexual restraint.

With all of the skin, the taste, the wetness, the firm, hot body, the breathing, the slow but steady friction between their half-naked bodies…Edward was already having a hard time taking it slow. His hands absently worked the pants off of Alphonse's narrow waist and feeling all of the naked skin the action left vulnerable to his rough touch made Edward swallow a moan. He didn't stop kissing, he didn't stop tasting, touching,  _wanting…_

Because it was familiar and  _welcoming_. Alphonse's body welcomed him, his hands, his mouth, the sounds he made, his cock straining between their stomachs. Edward felt it throb every time he arched down between Al's legs to press closer and he was acutely aware of the wetness, of the heat of the sensitive flesh, of Alphonse's shudders and unspoken permissions to keep going.

He didn't have to stop or slow down.

Because deep down beneath all of this own  **denial** , Edward knew Alphonse wanted him, all along, no matter what and no matter who had become involved, Al loved him  _that_  way and…Ed –he pressed closer to Al and parted from the kiss to exhale shakily against Al's kiss swollen lips –was in love with Al as well. No matter how twisted it was, no matter how sick he was to be thrumming with sexual desire and the need to  _fuck_  his own brother, regardless of the disturbed nature of the quiet around them, the unnatural and sinful nudity and sexual tension between them…the fact was just that.

It was a fact, it was  **real**.

Edward slowly pressed down again and trapped Al's erection between them, loving how their skin stuck together and the absent press of nails into the skin of his back,

"I want you…" he breathed out after licking wetly into the slight parting of Al's lips inches from his own.

Ed didn't realize he was frowning until he opened his eyes and he was looking down into a frown on Al's face, he looked a bit confused and his eyes searched Ed's face for a second,

"W-what did you say?" his voice was soft and raspy and he swallowed slowly.

Edward noticed every detail of expression at their close proximity, he noticed some strands of Al's fine blonde bangs clinging to his forehead, the slight flaring of Alphonse's nostrils as he breathed deeply, the fine lines under the younger blondes eyes which told of stress he should never have had to deal with, the tremble of his lips...

Ed closed his eyes briefly and inhaled quietly, brushing the tip of nose over the bridge of Al's lightly and then he kissed Al's quivering lower lip,

"I said…I want to be with you." He confessed in a soft whisper as he pressed himself against Al, between his legs, against his nudity, in a place he should never have been but had learned to covet from having had it.

His younger brother had given him the gift of his body, his vulnerability and his desire and Edward was finally accepting it without question because Alphonse was his everything and for the first time since everything started, the true weight of such a feeling was something he could understand.

Alphonse wanted to be his literal  **everything** , without boundaries, without rules and laws…

It would be hard to live with, because no matter what they told themselves, it would always be  _wrong_  but Edward had reached a point where denying the truth of his feelings was too painful. It wasn't so different from the years before he'd spent as a teen hiding his guilt and self-loathing over his mistakes, it had eaten away at him the same way this would have…and he would have managed it, buried it, endured it, had he not known that Alphonse was miserable for wanting him too.

If no one was getting hurt…

Alphonse's breath quickened for a second and Edward felt the younger's body react to his words between them which in turn made his own straining erection in his leather pants ache to be touched,

"Yes, please," Al said in a shaken voice and Edward closed his eyes as Alphonse brushed his bangs curtaining their faces back, deft fingers curling to hook the hair behind Ed's ears, "… o-okay…I want you too, Brother."

Edward couldn't help the shock of nausea and regret that came with hearing that word while having so much  _sexual_  contact with his own blood kin, but it passed quick enough when he saw the consternation on Al's face and realised his brother still feared rejection. Al didn't deserve to be scared or insecure because he had Edward exactly where he'd long wanted him…and this time is wasn't an act or an obligation.

He stroked his free hand down from where it was resting in Al's hair, tracking his fingers along the side of Al's face gently and watching as the worry lines eased just a bit, Ed then ran his thumb over Al's quivering lower lip and offered a sad and sincere smile,

"Thank you." He said it quietly, a response to Al's words of wanting him as well. After everything that had happened between them recently, rejection of his feelings from Alphonse hadn't seemed so farfetched.

He wouldn't acknowledge that word  _brother_ , not like that, not in that situation, never in  **that**  sort of situation.

Because that word didn't belong between them in those moments, to Edward the sexual desire was not clean, not like their brotherhood and while he wanted it and even needed it, it would never again interfere with his truest and untainted brotherly love for Alphonse.

It was different and he knew that now.

The desire to fuck Alphonse was a  **sin** , and not in the religious sense, but in the sense of simple right and wrong.

And in turn Al's desire for him was the same.

They'd shared their sins and their mistakes before, this would be no different.

Edward turned his focus to that desire fully as he slid his hand between their bodies, bringing his lower half up on his knees slightly to give his hand free movement. Every touch to Al's body brought a sound and shudder and Ed anticipated the arch in Al's spine and small noise that he emitted when Ed had cupped his palm over the younger blonde's tensing scrotum.

Alphonse was a stunning sight and even as Ed adjusted his cupping hand so his index and middle finger pressed between Al's buttocks, he kept his eyes on the younger blonde's face. Al pursed his lips as Edward started to slowly rub his fingers against the small puckering of flesh, he licked his lips as his own cock throbbed just from knowing how good it felt to be inside of Al.

The usual nausea that accompanied guilt and misery when touching his younger brother in such a way didn't stir that time, because he knew and had known for a long time, that he didn't need to feel guilty about touching Alphonse in intimate ways, in intimate places…

He watched the younger blonde's face as he gently massaged his anus, he could feel the tension there ease and return with Al's excitement and as much as he'd have loved to make his way into Al's body and feel the silky, hot tightness as well as the look up complete abandon that crossed Al's face whenever he was penetrated, Edward was ever aware of Al's comfort.

And no matter how gently he rubbed and pressed, Al's skin was dry and Ed knew they needed lube, immediately. He was turned on and his attraction for Alphonse was no longer buried beneath heaps and piles of denial and guilt, which made the need more powerful. Edward slowly removed his hand from between Al's buttocks as he swallowed thickly and controlled his sexual temperament, despite being willing to show Alphonse how he really felt about him, he would not lose complete control and hurt him.

Edward kneeled back between Al's legs and dragged his hands up along the bared skin of his younger brother's lean thighs as he watched Alphonse's eyes open–he looked unfocused- as he slowly moved to lean up on his elbows. Ed smiled tenderly –and felt just a bit smug- as he looked over Alphonse's obvious state of arousal, it wasn't an unfamiliar sight but he'd never taken the time to appreciate it before. He'd always felt upset and disturbed at Al's sexual hedonism whenever they'd been together, because he'd never been able to properly cope with what he was doing. But it was  _different_  now because he wanted to thoroughly sate his brother's sexual needs and wants and his own as well, as a lover would…

…as Alphonse had wanted from him all along.

He was enjoying the sight of the expanse of Alphonse's visible skin laid out beneath him, pale and unblemished against a black leather background, his short hair pushed back from his forehead, his cheeks and nose and ears flushed a sweet pink, his nipples pert and his stomach muscles rippling lightly with every deep breath…the sight of him made Edward's loins ache in the best way and he moved his hand to rub over himself through the restricting pants to relieve some of his build up.

He could almost not remember when he'd last masturbated. It'd been long days into weeks of stress and worry and no time to indulge himself in any kind of desires, confusing and sinful as they were, he hadn't wanted to. The feeling he had right then however was completely different.

"What's wrong?" Alphonse asked after an exhale and shivered sweetly when Ed caressed a hand over his naked hip, just inches from Al's erection lying against his stomach.

He blinked slowly as he took in the sight of Al frowning, still doubtful of his intentions. Ed exhaled and smiled down at Al, feeling a range of affectionate and sexual emotions well up inside of him as he regarded Alphonse. The younger blonde's yearning for him was as obvious as it always had been whenever they'd been so close to each other, and this time Edward chose to enjoy that look of want instead of looking away from it as he had in the past.

" _Nothing_  is wrong…" he said honestly, quietly and swallowed quickly as his breath hitched, his hand still rubbing slowly over his clothed erection and the small trills of pleasure from the action reminded him of what he needed in order to move this along, "…I just need to go to the bathroom." He added and dropped his gaze from Al's to the younger's stomach as he trailed his fingers over the quivering flesh and played over Al's shallow navel with his fingertips.

So perfect, so soft…and perhaps –if he looked at in a completely immoral and improper way- having Alphonse was his  **right** , because  **no one**  could love or touch or hope to feel for Alphonse anything even close to what he did.

All encompassing, painful and truly unconditional, Edward would love him quite literally forever and for always. Ed raised his eyebrows when Alphonse slowly sat up and drew his legs away slightly, a frown on his face –so much more flush than before-,

"Oh, you need to pee…?"

Edward smiled and shook his head as he caught Al's retreating ankle,

"No Al, I need to get the  _lube_ …" he hadn't intended to do anything much with his younger brother's captured foot as he placed it against his chest to rest but when he saw the renewed flush and several surprised blinks he managed to get with the unusual touch, he became curious.

He'd never done anything particularly boyfriend-like for Alphonse, kissing, undressing, touching and sex had always been basics of foreplay for them. Clothes would come off and then it was all technical, with a few exceptions when Ed's control would slip up. The realisation made him feel bad, especially as he slowly removed Alphonse's sock from his foot and watched his brother's body react to his fingers tenderly caressing the top of his pale foot.

Sensuality, lover-like caresses, intimate but non-sexual touches,

 _'You've wanted this for so long…'_  he subtly clenched his jaw as he slipped his fingers under Al's pant leg and felt the foot pressed to his chest slip downwards just a bit, he admittedly found the sight of Alphonse in that moment ridiculously attractive and  _new._  It made him aware of how much  _unexplored_  sexualterritory there was between them and flashes of the things he could do and learn to do for Alphonse passed through his mind, making him drop his eyes to Al's nudity. There was still guilt that accompanied dirty thoughts like the places he could put his mouth and tongue, ways and positions in which he could illicit more than likely beautiful sounds from Alphonse's pale mouth.

It would take some time, but he was certain it wouldn't be bad getting there. Not this time.

"Okay…" Alphonse said distractedly as his eyes drifted down Ed's naked torso and the older blonde released his foot then, deciding that Al looking at him like that was even more incentive to get the lube.

His erection throbbed and his insides quivered with heat as he stood up and started to leave the lounge, his mind filled with memories he had of being inside Al, no matter how wrong or guilt-ridden he'd been each time, Alphonse  **tasted like heaven**  and was  **built for sex.**

With some time, lots of attention and intimate practice Edward could already imagine just how incredible Al would be as a lover…he'd always been a fast learner and an adept pupil. He felt a twist of guilt in his gut as his dirty thoughts caught up with him and he wondered quickly if he'd had some unconscious intention of making Alphonse so perfectly attractive when he'd transmuted him.

It was just his guilt pressing at his conscience though and the thought disappeared and was replaced by a cold weight in his stomach when Al piped up with a sudden and loud,

"No! Fuck! Fuck…"

Rejection…? Edward turned slowly where he was just past the coffee table and set his confused gaze on Alphonse, expecting to see disgust and anger for every reason it should be on Al's face, for Ed's mistakes of the past and the very real present. But Alphonse just looked regretful and angry, and not even at him, just in general since he wasn't even looking at Ed,

"No?" Edward asked quietly, wondering what had changed between Al's look of need and his current look of distress as he walked back around the table to get closer, "Al, what's wrong?" he mumbled.

His worry was building, the fear of rejection, something he was familiar with when it came to Alphonse. Not in a sexual situation, but from their past, from his days of fearing his younger brother hated him.

It was surreal and confusing when he thought about the fact that he'd spent the past months in fear of his brother  _loving_  him, a complete contrast to how he'd felt before.

Alphonse didn't look at him as the younger blonde slowly, in a defeated manner, pulled his legs off the couch and pressed his face into his hands as he sat hunched over,

"I…we… **don't**  have lube." Al mumbled into his hands, it was muffled but completely audible.

Edward blinked and frowned…and felt  _relieved_. The worry knotting up inside of him eased up slowly as he absorbed Al's words and licked his lips. He sat down beside Alphonse on the couch and leaned forward to try and see his face and Al looked at him then,

"Are you sure?" he pushed some hair back from his face and grimaced at the discomfort of his erection still pressed between his pants and his body uncomfortably, "There was an unused bottle in the bathroom cabinet…?" he remembered that as he absently sat back and unfastened his pants.

His erection had waned in the past minute, but having been so frustrated for so long, it was not going to go away without a lot more bad feelings on Ed's part and he truly hoped it wouldn't come to that. He felt a new determination to be with Al, to touch him and kiss him and  _please_  him, even if his dirtier thoughts still stopped him up, he could still enjoy a simpler, sweeter type of sex with Al in the meantime.

And he very badly wanted to kiss every inch of Al's fair, sweat damp skin, especially as he looked over it right then. He wanted to reach out and touch Al but the blonde seemed irate and he was curling in on himself as he ruffled his own hair and whined,

"I threw it all out…the last time…when I, when we ended it…that time…"

Edward lowered his gaze to the tiles as he realised what Al was telling him, the memory of Al's words dredged up some more of that incorrigible guilt but he didn't focus on that,

"Oh…" instead giving in with a sigh of defeat as he resigned himself to having to wait.

There'd be no proper sex without lube, because no matter how badly he wanted it, Ed would never hurt Al.

The nature had changed, but the basic rules of their relationship  **never**  would.

Edward glanced down at his cock straining against his boxer shorts absently and then at Al when the younger blonde huffed, releasing his mussed hair –fuck did he look good like that- as he looked at Edward again,

"We could substitute it…with lotion or…"

"No Al, I've told you before…" Edward cut him off with a raised eyebrow, having heard a few of Al's suggestions for substitute lube in the past when they'd run out and in his frustrated state he wasn't in the mood to repeat himself,

"…it's not like they make it sound in those pornographic novels you've read, anal fucking without proper lube is just  _pain_." He said plainly, letting Al know on no uncertain terms that the idea of penetration right then was out.

He noted the flash of disappointment and frustration that crossed Al's face as the younger blonde clenched his jaw and frowned unhappily into his hands again,

"I know, I know…dammit…" he mumbled, his voice quiet and distinctly sad.

Edward knew what Al was feeling since he was feeling it too, he'd wanted it just as badly, hell, it'd been by his doing they'd ended up on the couch. When they returned from the Carnival and Al had looked at him with confusion on his face and desperation in his tone, asking questions of why about Ed kissing him and apologising… Ed had needed to  _tell_  him that he wanted him, that he desired him.

So he'd kissed Alphonse again and brought them this far in a blur of touching and breathing.

He looked over Al's tense and hunched posture and his eyes drifted again to Al's skin and he was reminded just how much he wanted to kiss Alphonse  _everywhere_. That still seemed like an excellent idea, especially when he thought about how sensitive Al seemed to small sensual gestures and remembered how much the younger blonde had loved to just kiss.

It didn't have to be about sex, Edward didn't want it to be that way between them.

He shifted closer to Alphonse on the couch and closed his eyes as he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Al's neck,

"It's fine Al," he mumbled, trailing his lips to the top of the younger blonde's shoulder, inhaling the smell of Al's day worn skin mixed with faint deodorant and the slight sticky texture of it from the sweat.

He wanted to touch _, just to touch_  seemed like the best idea to him right then as Al's skin broke out in fine bumps from his gentle kisses and his breathing slowed, almost stilled. Edward smiled to himself very slightly as he pressed another kiss to Al's shoulder and snuck his hand between his brother's soft –wonderful- thighs and caressed the naked skin there. Alphonse shivered and his breath came back a bit quicker, thighs coming together just slightly to press Ed's hand to his skin,

"I can wait…" Ed decided then as he started to push Al's pants off his legs the rest of the way so they fell to the floor, "…lie back down." He suggested quietly, his own voice thickening with emotion as Al looked at him with half lidded, excited yet uncertain eyes.

He hated thinking of how Al had become so wary of his affection, as if he didn't trust it. But it was with good reason, for so long he'd treated Al with a certain distance and a certain fear whenever they'd had sex. He had to redeem himself, he had to show Alphonse that this was different.

He watched –his eyes taking in every detail of Al's naked skin under the light from the hall- as the younger blonde shifted to lay down on the couch, his muscles tensing as he arched his back to get comfortable against the material sticking to his sensitive skin…lightly trembling in anticipation.

Edward moved to kneel back between Al's spread lean, muscled legs and he wasted no time in leaning in and capturing Al's parted lips in a kiss, slipping his tongue passed his younger brother's lips without hesitation and feeling hands clutching at his shoulder and neck in response, Al was pulling him closer, kissing him harder.

He reciprocated intensely, making sure Al knew by his kiss alone that Edward was there, kissing him…because he  _wanted_ it and  _needed_  it and  _craved_  it…and that it was real. When Alphonse moaned quietly into his mouth and arched his hips up, seeking more contact, Ed drew his attention away from the distracting tongue in his mouth and the hands rubbing firmly along his shoulder and chest in order to focus on his own hands. Edward felt like he could have kissed Alphonse for much longer without growing tired, now that he wasn't so calculated about what they were doing, he was losing himself in the sensations he'd previously been guarding himself from succumbing to. And it felt fucking amazing.

Sighing shakily as Al kissed his lips and sought his tongue, Ed played it over his younger brother's lips as he trailed one hand over Al's stomach from where it'd been pressed into the couch until his finger's brushed sticky moisture…and then his fingertips traced over the smooth, hot skin of the head of Al's cock and the younger blonde moaned and arched up into him again.

The sound made him shiver and his mouth hung open slightly as he wet his lips, closed his eyes and rubbed his sweaty palm over the length of Al's cock, twice pressing it against Al's stomach just to hear the difference in Al's moan from when he finally took the pulsing length into his hand and stroked it loosely, finger tips carefully massaging the base and teasing back Alphonse's foreskin alternately.

The younger blonde was probably not aware of the openly wanton face he made in moments of pleasurable touch, he couldn't know he had the smallest of smiles –one of disbelief- playing on his wet, kiss swollen lips. He couldn't know how flush his pale skin was and how the lines of his muscles, tendons of his neck and the dip of his clavicle seemed to catch the light against his sweat as if purposely drawing Ed's attention to the excellent frame of his musculature and bone.

He  **couldn't**  know what he did to Edward…he couldn't possibly.

 _'I love you, I fucking love you…I never thought I would want you this way…'_ Ed thought as he steadily masturbated Alphonse, his hand alternating between a tight and slow grip, a loose and fast stroke as he purposely drew it out and teased the head of Al's cock with his thumb, knowing it had the most sensitive nerve endings…knowing the way he thumbed the underside and pressed the slit is what drew the best sounds and the most moisture from Al's body.

He also knew it made Al's rectum tighten in the hottest, most arousing way…and the thought made his hard and aching erection throb inside shorts and he clenched his jaw against the pangs of arousal shooting down his legs, making them numb…making him shaky.

To feel was far better than to deny himself.

He kept his eyes on Al, clenching the hand he was supporting his weight with into a tight fist against the leather as he tightened his grip of Alphonse's slick erection and jerked him off properly. Not slowing, not teasing, doing it right so he could watch as the younger blonde's eyes closed, his mouth opened and his body and hips twitched at the sudden steady build of pleasure…

…except there was a frown somewhere in the bliss Al was expressing. Ed knew Alphonse's pleasured faces well enough after so many months to recognise a difference.

Edward didn't want Alphonse to fear, to be uncertain, he didn't this experience to be underlined with subconscious stress. Ed wondered what it was, his hand slowing again and Alphonse making a noise of confusion as it did, just what was keeping Al from letting go, from just enjoying what was happening?

There were many possibilities but he'd hoped his actions, his willing, purposeful actions, had eliminated the majority of Al's possible concerns about Ed's intentions. But there was something…

He hadn't realised he was staring at the rise and fall and clench and ease of Al's stomach and abs until he raised his eyes to look at the younger's face and saw Al looking at him with vague confusion in all of his hazy pleasure.

Edward thought then that perhaps, in order to get rid of doubts, he needed to do something that Al wouldn't  _expect_. He'd not been hurt in previous arguments by Al's accusations, but he'd certainly heard loudly and clearly the times when Al had called him detached and selfish during sex. Ed had known that he'd limited their sexual interactions to kissing touching, preparation of missionary sex, so the accusation was true in a way.

He raised his eyebrows slightly and stopped stroking Al completely, seeing the younger frown and push himself up onto his elbows again, a question no doubt on his lips. Edward beat him to speaking as an idea occurred to him,

"Move up, Al…" he squeezed Al's pulsing erection as he spoke and watched the younger blonde swallow whatever words he'd been about to say.

It was an unfair way to quiet his worried sibling but Edward knew his coming action would make up for it. He knew now that up until this point his actions had been predictable –things they'd done many times in the past- and with that came the same negative feelings he'd probably drove Al into experiencing whenever they'd had sex in the past. He had to change it up, he had to show that the boundaries and limitations he'd previously set between them were gone.

He needed Al to trust him, to let go.

So when Alphonse moved up on the couch and settled again, half sitting against the arm rest, legs spread wider despite his slight quivering and misplaced nervousness, Edward took the submission as trust…as want.

The same as it had been before, Al would give him anything, give him all…without question, no matter his reservations. And it was supposed to have been the same with Edward.

 _'So how the fuck did we end up so…unhappy?'_  he wondered, swallowing down a sudden lump into his throat as he moved closer to Al and leaned in, exhaling against the damp skin at the front of Al's neck before he kissed there and took Al's slick cock back into his hand, making Al inhale quietly but sharply before he kissed him again.

After a few slow, wide mouthed, wet kisses Edward drew back with a soft smack and quickly kissed Al again on his jaw, nipping at the skin there and then repeating the kissing, nipping, sucking action as he moved down, lower.

Al's chest heaved lightly under his lips, his sternum hollowed with every exhale, his nipples hardened, his stomach quivered and when Ed finally reached below the younger blonde's navel where his lips met bitter, salty and dully fragranced stickiness…they both shuddered.

This was new to Ed.

Not oral sex, he'd received and given it before with previous partners. But doing it for Alphonse was new and as he felt the head of Alphonse's erection brush the underside of his chin, Ed couldn't help but hesitate, because it was just a bit harder to get past the fact that the stickiness on his lips was made up of his  _brother's_   _semen._

However, he didn't feel nausea so much as he did apprehension, which was good, it was proof to himself that he wasn't subconsciously disgusted.

It was reassuring to know he hadn't fooled himself into thinking he wanted a real, completely sexual relationship with Alphonse. If anything, the uncertainty he felt right then was similar to the way he'd felt the first time before he'd given a man a lover oral for the first time.

It was just like the first time and it held more significance because it was Alphonse and it was…strange.

But Ed wasn't deterred, because he wasn't disgusted and his cock still throbbed steadily in his shorts and that was where he drew his confidence from right then and he licked his lips slowly. He  _tasted_  it, sucked the texture and bitterness of it into his mouth, onto his tongue and swallowed and then he gently pushed Al's foot off the side of couch to shamelessly spread his legs further.

Edward gave Alphonse's aroused state, his weeping cock, tight scrotum and pink anal pucker, an appreciative look –because Al was perfect and aroused- before he leaned back up to Al –feeling shaken and a bit overwhelmed by his body and mind's revelations- so he could press a wet kiss to the younger blonde's lower lip as he started to slowly work his hand along Al's erection again.

"I love you Alphonse…" he whispered against Al's mouth, finding he wanted to say, 'I'm  _in_  love with you', but his voice was raspy and his body was swarming with so many emotions right then that he decided he'd wait for the right moment.

A better moment, where he could say it and let it be heard clearly, without all of the clouding of sex and lust.

For right then, he wanted to take away Alphonse's doubt, so he slowly, tenderly, kissed his way back down to the younger man's stomach and that time he didn't hesitate when he reached his goal, to part his lips, put his tongue forward and drag his mouth and tongue down along the length of Al's cock as he exhaled warmly.

Alphonse's reaction brought an arousal to Edward that he wouldn't soon forget, he felt it from his head to his toes when Al moaned, sounding stunned and ridiculously husky. Edward closed his eyes as he drew his tongue up along the length of Al's swollen erection again and placed one hand against the inside of Al's thigh to press it to the back of the couch while his other hand was placed at the base of Alphonse's length. Ed gripped it lightly before sucking down onto the younger blonde's cock without hesitation, taking it into his mouth and closing his eyes.

Alphonse's moans came out unchecked and his hands moved hastily to Ed's shoulders. He felt blunt nails press into his skin as he sucked slowly, wetly, pressing the flat of his tongue against the underside of the flesh before he pulled back, raising his head so he could suckle the smooth head of Al's erection and tease Al's foreskin back with the tip of his tongue with slow licks. The younger blonde made a sharp inhalation and his hips jerked up, Edward felt Al's cock throb against his lips, and against his tongue when he drew the length back into his wet mouth. He felt the moisture of pre-come mixing with his saliva in the back of his throat and while it was an overload to his senses –being as it was Alphonse-, he still wasn't put off by it, just a bit overwhelmed.

When Al raised his hips again to push himself further into Ed's mouth –unconsciously- he heard the younger blonde's skin peel from the leather and instantly became aware of sweat, damp skin, the scent of Al's sex in his mouth and inches from his nose, also the smooth, firm thigh under his palm, tensing and relaxing. The noises from Al's throat seemed louder, their breathing did as well and the taste on his tongue amplified the intimacy, it reminded Edward that he wanted it that way. And as his doubts and mild discomfort eased out, his attraction to Alphonse became more prominent and he was able to appreciate the feeling of the cock in his mouth –it had been a long time since he'd performed oral- but it'd never been a bad experience, not when the person attached to it was of interest and attraction.

And in this case, Alphonse, his brother…his ultimate love, was as good as it was ever going to get.

Ed slowed the bobbing of his head and glanced up at Al –who looked to be in the best kind of pleasured pain- before he relaxed his jaw, shaped his tongue to wrap around the underside of Al's cock and he deep throated the younger blonde. He hadn't done it in a while but he was able to fight his gag reflex enough that his throat only tensed marginally the deeper he took Al in. Ed was expecting to have to do it more than once, fully prepared to suck Al in that deep and swallow until the younger blonde came but it seemed just once was enough, because when Ed felt Alphonse's erection touch the back of his throat the first time and he swallowed, Al came without warning.

When he felt the warm liquid hit the back of his throat, Edward quickly drew back so only the head of Al's throbbing cock was between his lips and as his younger brother's warm semen spilled onto his tongue in uneven spurts, he swallowed easily, eyes closing as the taste and texture – bitter and thick- passed over his taste buds and filled his senses. Ed swallowed a second time as he re-opened his eyes to the sounds of Al moaning softly and Ed continued to work his fingers up and down in small pumps where he held the base. He let Al's slick erection slip from his mouth after the second swallow and he sat up slightly, jerking Alphonse off a few final times as the last of his ejaculate landed on Ed's fingers, the dark blonde curls of Al's crotch and his lower stomach.

He trailed his eyes up over Al's lower stomach –heaving muscles tense- and up over his chest, throat and jaw –sheened with sweat and highlighted by tendon and bone-, all the way to parted red lips, warm with uneven exhales and half lidded golden-green eyes…staring straight at Edward from where Al leaned against the back of the couch. Edward licked his lips, tasting Alphonse's bitterness and feeling the texture of Al's come coating his tongue when he swallowed again, and he slowly removed his hand from his younger brother's softening penis and absently massaged Al's inner thigh with his other hand.

Edward took in and memorised the sight of Al spread out that way, completely given over to Ed, his perfect white skin tinged with reds and pinks in the softest places and highlighting the angles of his cheeks and other bones beneath his skin. As Edward's fingers drifted over the length of Al's spread leg he noticed wetness in the younger blonde's eyes and he frowned, panicking that he'd crossed a line somehow,

"Al," he leaned forward and was surprised when Alphonse sat up quickly and grabbed him by the sides of his neck and face, exhaling shakily before he kissed him.

Al's lips were hot, soft and damp and Edward felt his erection regain its full hardness as the kiss turned to tongue and teeth and breath, he felt Al's naked legs settle over the sides of his hips where he kneeled between the younger blonde's legs and Ed absently grabbed his thighs and squeezed.

It felt oddly natural.

When Al drew back from the kiss and looked into his face for a few short exhales, Edward licked his lips, feeling turned on all over again by the sheer intimacy between them. He knew he'd once felt it was a completely perverse closeness, but right then, it seemed impossibly perfect.

"Lie down Edward, let me…" Alphonse breathed out and gestured down between them with his eyes.

Edward shook his head absently and caressed Al's skin with his hands as he continued looking over his flushed, tired face,

"I told you, I can wait…" he dismissed quietly before he sought another kiss and Al obliged lovingly and as he lay back down on the couch, he pulled Ed with him by the hands he had on the older blonde's neck. Edward shifted as he followed Al, he laid down between his younger brother's legs, purposely pressing himself closer because it felt good for his painfully concealed erection.

He plied Al's mouth with attention for a minute and then moved on to lathe kisses down his neck, every inch of his skin was so perfect and the smell of Al's skin was familiar and comforting.

"Ed, I love you too…" he heard Alphonse belatedly say and Ed pressed a wet, soft kiss to the front of his throat in response and then moved his kisses up to Al's jaw and cheek, enjoying the soft sighs that came with each kiss, the hands gently rubbing his back and the trembling legs around his waist.

Edward felt Alphonse shift to make some space between their bodies and despite saying he could wait, when he felt the younger blonde's hand slip between their warm, sticky bodies, Ed pulled up just enough to accommodate it and a second later when Al's warm hand was holding his erection through his boxers, Ed exhaled shakily against Al's cheek and continued to kiss Alphonse's skin with more fervour.

"Take your pants off…" Alphonse said in a low voice that sent a shock of arousal down Edward's spine and he didn't argue, as he continued to enjoy Al's skin under his lips he shifted and balanced his weight until he had his pants down, managing to completely kick it off his feet before he settled back down and continued kissing Al while slowly and absently grinding himself down against Al, rubbing himself against Al's damp skin and softened cock.

Edward bit back a throaty moan when Al slipped his hand between their stomachs again and in a quick movement, slipped it lower into Ed's boxers which were already quite low and nearly off his waist altogether. It felt good, to be so nearly naked, to have Al naked, the sweat, the breathing, the kissing…it felt right and wrong and bitter and sweet all at once.

They shouldn't be like that, they should never have known one another that way, and yet there they were, inhaling each other's every exhale, with hands and lips and bodies touching everywhere they could reach that would create pleasure and titillate senses. And then Alphonse was jerking him off firmly, tightly…Ed's temperature was rising, his body getting hotter as his eyes opened and closed, fluttered and clenched with the fluctuation of his pleasure, his breaths short and body twitching out of rhythm with Al's palm working his cock steadily while Alphonse's mouth left hot, wet kisses over the side and front of his throat.

Edward closed his eyes before opening them again with his gaze intensely set on Alphonse when the younger blonde rested his head back onto the sofa. He looked sexy, he looked satisfied, he looked like he was right where he wanted to be and as he stared back up into Edward's eyes and clenched his hand around Ed while maintaining his pace, then he smiled.

It was slight, a little uncertain, and Edward didn't understand it and he just absently caught his breath in between the drive of arousal, sensuality and shocks of pleasure that were numbing his toes and heating his sweating skin, all the while just  _taking in_  the sight of Alphonse…whole, real and…

He could feel his lower abdomen burning and tightening with thick coils of pleasure, he knew he was close and when he slipped his hand between them, stopping his hips unconscious, arrhythmic thrusting into Al's hand, he removed his younger brother's hand from his erection and started to pump himself.

The pleasure built much quicker then since he knew exactly how to touch himself but that wasn't what brought him to orgasm.

"Al, fuck…you're beautiful…" he huffed out, almost unable to hang on to the words as he gripped the couch underneath his free hand tightly, every muscle in his body tensing as his climax came nearer.

Alphonse was breathing with him, his smooth hands were somewhere on Ed's body that he couldn't place as he was racked with frequent burning pleasure, his own hand's movements unrelenting and noisy between them as he worked the slick flesh in his palm, and his pleasure approached its precipice…and Al was waiting and watching and wanting.

He felt the heat in his abdomen reach a familiar stifling point and then it was all sweet, tingling, hot pleasure careening through his body and he sought Al's lips desperately, managing to steal a quick kiss and smother a moan as he came, still fisting his cock and rocking his body above his younger sibling as he  _let go_ …

Edward let go of his inhibitions and he felt like he would cry, because it felt so fucking good that he could hardly catch a breath or hear over his heartbeat thumping in his ears. He felt weightless, he felt so hot and everything was dark and endless for a short while as he hid his face in Alphonse's damp neck and shivered as he came down slowly from his orgasm and he heard his name moaned quietly against his ear, it sounded so deeply sweet.

The sound of Al's voice pulled him back from keeping his flushed face hidden, as he drew back and bumped noses with Al –smiles crossing their faces somewhat sleepily- Ed brought his sticky hand up from between their bodies to support his weight before he gently relaxed atop the younger blonde so their cooling sweat damp bodies pressed and slicked together, then their lips met and did the same, open mouthed and slow.

They kissed for a while and Edward closed his eyes and allowed the simple pleasurable sensation to gratify him, he'd never been a huge fan of just kissing when it came to lovers, but Alphonse was not just any lover and every dip of tongue or lick to his lips and mouth made him want more, made him appreciate the feeling in a way he hadn't ever before.

When the kiss ended he wasn't exactly certain, still bleary with satisfaction, but as they lay on the couch and their surroundings sunk back in Edward became aware of the cold dampness of his skin and the contrasting warmth everywhere it was touching Al. He became aware of thin fingers trailing down his spine and digging into his back, Al's semi-hard erection pressed between their warm lower abdomens. He listened to Alphonse's breathing, felt the pulse of his heartbeat in his neck where Ed's face had absently settled again, he felt his younger brother's inner thighs sticking his skin every time Al shifted even just a bit.

It was probably obscene…but he felt like he fit quite well where he lay.

Edward was counting the slowing beat of Al's pulse in his neck when the younger blonde's breath shifted from ghosting over his ear and cheek, he realised Al was looking away and so he slowly lifted his head. Dazedly he turned his head, eyes trailing over Al's face to see what he was looking at and when he spotted CookieBoots sitting on the coffee table looking back at him lazily he raised an eyebrow,

"What are you looking at?" he said almost without thinking since he was tempted to press kisses to the area of Al's neck and jaw just below his lips.

He'd allowed temptation in by letting go of his inhibitions and he expected that from then on, he'd have to apply more gusto his sexual self-control. Alphonse was after all just too damn gorgeous for his own good. All that perfect skin, lean, fit body, sculpted, pleasing features…

Al turned to look at him, nose brushing Ed's cheek,

"It's like he knows…" he said with a small smile on his kiss-red lips and Edward swallowed slowly when he looked into the younger blonde's eyes,

"Little pervert." Ed mumbled absently in response as he glanced at CookieBoots, his thoughts focused fully on the feeling of Al lightly shifting his hips where Ed was still pressed between his legs.

And absent movement but so intimate with their nudity and closeness.

Edward exhaled shakily as he gazed down over Alphonse's sleepy expression, his eyes trailing over every detail for a few seconds before he raised himself up on his arms and proceeded to peel their bodies apart. He disliked the cold that touched his skin where Al's had been warm and slick but he knew full well that laying that way any longer would just get uncomfortable for them both.

A shower sounded like an excellent idea for his clammy skin and he looked down at Alphonse, it bothered Ed that Al still looked worried but he wasn't going to start any exhausting emotional conversations right then, there'd be plenty of time for it the following day,

"We should clean up." He suggested in a half whisper and watched as Al nodded unevenly and blinked slowly,

"S-shower." He responded in a hitched voice and Ed nodded.

He didn't want to give himself over to the worry reflected in Al's eyes, he didn't want to think that there was something wrong, so he stole two quick kisses from his younger brother's slightly parted lips and then got up completely, standing as he righted his boxers on his waist before he started picking up their strewn clothing items.

He was aware of Alphonse sitting up just when he picked up the younger blonde's underwear and he handed it to him silently, trying not to notice Al's lightly trembling hands when he took the item of clothing. Edward to look at Alphonse, but he was scared of the accusations or rejections of what had happened and what it all meant being plainly visible in his eyes. In the aftermath of what had just happened all of Ed's fears and second guesses returned, especially when Al seemed so distant.

So instead he didn't look back as he left the lounge carrying to their mixed clothes, Ed headed to the bathroom.

Now that the breathing and moaning and kissing sounds had ceased, the apartment seemed too quiet again, unsettlingly so. He padded down the dark hall until he reached the bathroom and pushed the door open before he reached out to his left and put the light on.

Edward squinted against the brightness, the light in the hall wasn't nearly as glaring as the bathroom and the whiteness of the tiles only made it worse. He dropped the armful of clothing he carried into the hamper and then walked to the bath tub, shoving back the curtain and starting up the shower water before he turned back around and ran a hand through his damp bangs.

He barely caught a glimpse of his tired reflection in the mirror across from where he stood before Alphonse stepped into the doorway of the bathroom. He looked much thinner and paler under the brighter bathroom light and Ed absently scratched his right shoulder and glanced at the floor,

"The water should be running hot by now…" he said by way of vague suggestion to getting in the shower.

He wanted to ask Alphonse to shower with him but somehow the words died in his throat, all of his confidence had drained away as soon as he'd seen apprehension on Al's face when it was all over. He looked at the younger blonde when Al stepped forward slowly further into the bathroom and when his steps brought him close enough Ed noticed Alphonse was still shaking lightly, eyes a soft red as if he were fighting back burning tears.

"Edward…" Al's voice was quiet and Ed stared at him, feeling anxiousness build in his chest as he waited for whatever words would come next, no doubt it'd be about what had just happened, "…I…I don't understand." Alphonse breathed out, brow creasing as his vexing emotions overtook his pale face.

Edward blinked a few times as he absorbed the simple words and then he reached out absently, taking Al's face in his hands. The younger blonde's cheeks felt warm under his cold palms and when Alphonse reached up to cover Ed's hands with his own, his palms were warm too. Warm, alive…

 _'You don't understand that I'm in love with you.'_  Ed thought, but chose to step around the request for an explanation, he was too tired to talk and words would fail him worse than they usually did if he tried to articulate what he felt, what he wanted, what he needed. He dropped his gaze from Al's eyes to his lips as he leaned in and kissed the younger blonde softly a few times on his lips, Al responded, eyes closing and opening a few times as he frowned, his confusion still clear on his face.

"Let's take a shower and get some sleep Al, it's been a long day." Edward said against his lips a few kisses later and slid his hands out from under Alphonse's to rest on his naked shoulders instead. He had the urge to be bolder, to slide his hands lower and push the younger blonde's underwear off his hips…but Al was still looking at him uncertainly and every urge to touch and kiss was starting to seem like a bad idea.

Edward didn't want to feel that way, it felt like he'd be going backwards, so he forced a small smile as he pushed his boxer shorts down, he stepped out of his underwear before he turned around and went to dump it in the hamper. When he turned back to the bathtub Alphonse was slowly stepping out of his underwear as well, but he didn't bother to put them in the hamper, he left them on the tiles and stepped straight into the tub, disappearing behind the curtain.

Ed sighed and sound of the running water drowned it out, he approached the tub and stepped in after Al, pulling the shower curtain closed. Alphonse was facing him, his arms hugging loosely around his torso, the water fell behind the younger blonde, falling on his shoulders and he looked like he was about to cry, pale skin tingeing red wherever the hot water ran down his arms, neck, chest and sides. Edward blinked slowly as the steam rose around them and when he raised his arms slightly and stepped towards the younger blonde he was surprised by how quickly Alphonse responded. He raised his arms to wrap them around Ed's shoulders and neck and pressed his face into Ed's shoulder as Ed did the same, his arms around Al's torso, water softly pelting the top of his head and forcing him to close his eyes.

He felt Alphonse's chest rise and fall heavily against his own, giving away the younger's state of anxiety even before he spoke over the sound of the water,

"What does this mean, Ed?" his voice was strained.

Edward clenched his eyes shut tighter and squeezed Alphonse closer to himself, so that they were flush against one another and so easily a hug became a sexual embrace, it wasn't scary so much as it was overwhelming, because from then on, every touch would be that way…and it didn't feel bad, not like it used to.

"I told you earlier…" he responded against the side of Al's neck, "…I want to be with you Alphonse."

"But you tried before." Al shifted in his arms as he pulled back so that Ed did the same and they looked at each other. Edward frowned blinked as a few drops of water dripped from his hair line over his eyelids, he heard the unasked question loud and clear even though Al didn't voice it.

_'How will it be any different than before?'_

"It's different this time, Al." he said quietly, absently raising a hand and pushing some of his wet hair back.

"How…" Alphonse pulled away, stepping back a bit further under the water and running his hand back through his flattened wet hair, starting to shake again, although this time Ed assumed it was from anger because Al's tone was irritable, "…how could it be different? Nothing's changed, I'm  _still_ your  _brother_ , I'm still your blood, it's still  _wrong_  and immoral and  _sick_." He was shaking his head now and glaring weakly at Ed.

Edward saw the worry and confusion in his eyes and he thought he understood the doubt the younger was feeling. Alphonse had just been getting his life back on track, he'd just started making amends and then Edward come along and torn it all down with a kiss. Now the younger blonde wanted to know if was going to have to go through all the pain and insecurity again, Al wanted answers.

Edward realised he  _had_  to answer, even if he didn't want to right then.

"It's different…" he said again and swallowed, having to choke the rest of his words out because he was about to admit it aloud for the first time, "…because I'm in love with you." He'd never said those words before to anyone, he'd never felt those feelings, he'd never really believed he would because all of his real love was reserved for Alphonse, even if it had once been platonic.

It was almost poetic, that he really and truly couldn't love anyone else the way he loved Alphonse.

Alphonse looked slightly ashen now despite the heat around them and his eyes were wider, he looked shocked. Edward watched him absorb his words and he could see that Al had many questions as a follow up to his answer.

Of course it was confusing…but Edward was tired and he didn't want to talk about it right then.

It was manipulative of him to slip closer to Al right then, arms slyly encircling the younger blonde's waist again and teasing the skin of his extreme lower back with wet fingertips, but Ed was grateful when his action silenced whatever Al had been about to say and he tried to ease Al's unrest with a kiss to Al's neck and shoulder,

"We'll talk about it tomorrow," he trailed his lips upward and pressed a kiss to Al's temple to soothe him, "let's just shower and get some rest."

Alphonse exhaled softly and Edward's lips caught water droplets with every kiss he pressed to Al's face and neck,

"Okay, but…we  _have_  to talk about this. I can't…I don't want it to be like-…"

"I know, it won't Al," Ed felt a lump form in his throat instantly as he rubbed his hands up and down his younger brother's smooth sides, "it's different, it's real, I love you…" a few tears slipped out of his eyes as he said it again, feeling the effects of such weighted feelings throughout his body.

Alphonse relaxed into his hold and Edward wondered if the way he felt right then was how Alphonse had felt about him all along, if so, then he could only hope to make up for all the pain he'd caused his beloved younger brother in the past months.

He would definitely make the effort, any and every effort.

* * *

_That's the whole and that's the part of it._

* * *

They'd slept in the same bed that night, somehow automatically gravitating to Edward's bedroom after their shared shower and had fallen asleep spooning each other in a way they'd done so many times before, except more comfortably, more naturally.

So when morning came and Edward woke up to an empty bed, it was a bit disconcerting. He'd expected Alphonse to stay close to him, or maybe he'd just been hoping the younger blonde would because Ed was craving the physical reassurance after the night before.

He ventured out of the bedroom after finding some boxers and a T shirt, comprehending somewhat belatedly that he and Alphonse had slept stark naked the night before and also that his long hair was open and probably in quite a state having dried that way while he slept.

He ran his hands back through it as he walked down the hall, absently gathering it at the crown of his head and knotting it up in a way that Winry had always teased him of being girly for, but he'd never given a shit, hair was hair and keeping it out of his immediate range of irritation was all that mattered. Edward reached the lounge entrance and dropped his hands to his sides as he glanced over the spotless room, his eyes slowly drifted to Alphonse where he sat on the floor by the unlit fireplace, he was into it while he leaned back against the couch, seemingly far off in thought.

He didn't look happy and that concerned Edward.

He stepped into the lounge and his automail clinked on the tiles loud enough over the soft radio that Al turned to look at him and his eyebrows raised slightly as he sat forward, leaning against his bent up knees. Ed folded his arms over his chest as he stopped beside the coffee table across from Al,

"You okay?"

Alphonse nodded a bit stiffly,

"Yeah…uh, and you?" he gestured with his hand in Ed's direction, looking slightly uncomfortable.

Edward picked up on it and he glanced at the now clean couch, thinking of what they'd done before and knowing full well how the morning usually brought with it  _regrets_. Although usually he was the one contending with those feelings, but right then he felt fine, he felt sure…or at least he had until he saw the discomfort on his younger siblings face.

He'd hoped it'd be different for both of them.

Edward frowned slightly,

"I'm gonna make some coffee…you want anything?" he turned around and rubbed his fingers into his eyes, expecting an answer as he retreated, he needed something to help him wake up properly. But Alphonse stopped him with quiet words,

"Can we talk about last night, after you make coffee?"

The question wasn't out of place at all, it had been one of the last things they'd talked about before falling asleep close and exhausted the night before. But Edward didn't feel like talking still, he'd hoped that he'd feel more ready to get into the details of his feelings after a good night's sleep, but nothing had changed.

Nothing except the brightness spread throughout the apartment that was tainted in hidden evidence and the subtle accusation of Ed's intentions in Al's quiet voice. He swallowed thickly and frowned deeply, but just before he turned back around to face Al he cleared the upset off his face,

"I-…"

A knock on the door saved Ed from making an excuse for why he wanted to procrastinate on that conversation. Edward was grateful for the interruption and he gestured to the lounge exit just behind him quickly,

"I'll just…get that." He said in a mumble and he noticed how Alphonse frowned and lowered his gaze to the floor where he sat, looking disappointed.

Edward quickly stepped and half hopped over to the door, grimacing to himself irritably the second he was out of Al's sight, he didn't know why the idea of  _talking_  about why he'd changed his mind knotted up his stomach so badly. It felt like anxiety but it also felt misplaced. With a quiet sigh he hastily pushed some of his slipping loose bangs behind his ears and unlocked the door before he pulled it open,

"Good morning, sir." It was a cheery faced lobby receptionist, "Phone call message for you." She handed him a slip of paper with a bright smile.

Edward took it, scanned over the few words quickly and then nodded to the receptionist,

"Thanks." He watched her turn and walk away as he slowly closed the door and then clicked it shut.

"What's the message?"

Ed turned around and quickly squashed the post-it message in his hand somewhat guiltily as he blinked a few times at his younger brother now standing a few feet away,

"Uh, Mustang…wants me to come and see him at HQ…" he said quietly.

"Today?" Alphonse frowned.

"Toda-ah, now…soon as possible." Edward nodded and clenched the note tighter in his palm.

Alphonse looked sincerely bothered by that,

"But we need to talk Edward, can't he **wait**?" he narrowed his eyes.

The answer should have been yes, but Edward wasn't ready to have that talk. He wasn't ready to face questions about his feelings where he'd have to  _articulate_  love and affections. It was strange, because usually telling Alphonse sappy affection stuff came easily, but  _this_ , the feelings Alphonse wanted to know more about, were different and Ed needed to prepare himself.

"I won't be long…" Alphonse looked hurt by his words, "…an hour tops, promise, and then I'll come home and we can talk about…you know, and everything." Ed knew he was blatantly avoiding the issue and his tone of voice was giving away his discomfort on the subject.

Edward let Alphonse stare at him with an upset frown for a further half minute before he gestured to the hall,

"I'm just gonna change clothes and…" he nodded for no reason and walked slowly at first and then a bit quicker down the hall toward his bedroom.

Alphonse made no attempt to stop him.

* * *

_That's the high and that's the heart of it._

* * *

By the time Edward had dressed and groomed himself to go out, Alphonse had left the apartment without warning. It concerned Ed since he had no idea where the younger blonde had gone but he knew he had no right to be upset over not being told, considering he was avoiding the younger and dreading a conversation Alphonse obviously needed to have, it was actually better that they had a few hours apart.

Ed needed time to  **think.**

And that's how he ended up at the library, sitting in the far back of the massive quiet building with nothing but the smell of books and dust around him, a comforting atmosphere. He had three books on random subjects of alchemy open and propped up to hide him from anyone walking by and seeing him with his head down on his arms atop the desk. He knew it was stupid and that he had no good reason for being afraid to face Al's questions because he had no regrets and only good intentions. He also knew he shouldn't have lied about going to see Roy just to get some time alone -since the telephone message had said Mustang wanted to see him Sunday morning- just so he could wallow in his fears of accusation and rejection.

Yes, that was it.

Edward knew Alphonse loved him, was  _in_  love with him in fact, but that didn't mean the younger blonde wasn't bitter after so much time and pain and then the effort he'd made to fix their brotherly relationship and while Ed had good, solid reason for wanting to be with Al, he wasn't good at explaining himself.

He didn't know how he'd answer if Alphonse demanded to know when the change had come about, or how long Ed had felt that way about him, because the answers to those questions would just reveal more of his lies and hesitation he'd been experiencing lately. He was afraid Alphonse would be angry all over again, afraid that Alphonse…wouldn't  _trust_  him at all anymore.

 _'I put him through so much misery all the time we were together and even when we weren't together, I confused him, rejected a lot of his feelings and needs, denied him certain intimacies…I_ _ **lied**_ _to him.'_  he sighed heavily, filling the space of air trapped within his arms and face with warm air and breathing the smell of the wooden desk.

It was words that would fail him in the end, he could already picture it, he'd try to explain and Alphonse who was so articulate when it came to feelings and reason would probably demand clear answers and Ed knew he'd quickly just dissolve into useless apologies or frustration and anger. It'd be like Winry had told him when he'd last seen and argued with her, all he ever did was apologise, but he never actually changed his ways.

He wasn't a creature of emotion, he wasn't the sort of guy who could wear his heart on his sleeve…

 _'Except when it comes to Alphonse.'_  He reminded himself and he sat up slightly, arms still folded on the table and his eyes staring through the wall of books. He reminded himself over a few times that Al was the exception to every rule and thing he knew about himself and in this case, when so much was already  _different_  between them and so much was at stake, he knew he couldn't hold back.

They'd been through too much bad when it came to their incestuous relationship, if any good was ever going to come of it, now that they both wanted it equally, then honesty was key. He had to face it.

With another quieter sigh, Edward pushed his chair back and stood up, absently reaching out and closing the books one by one before he piled them up and left them on the desk to be re-shelved by a library worker.

He stuffed his hands into his black jeans pockets and scuffed his boots on the library tiles as he left the building,

 _'No matter what happens, I just have to answer anything he asks me honestly. Hopefully, being completely honest with him won't fuck anything up.'_  He thought worriedly, barely hopeful.

People always said honesty was the best policy, but Edward knew better than anyone that the truth came with consequences wherever he was concerned.

* * *

_That's the long and that's the short of it._

* * *

Edward made two stops on his way home, one to the liquor store and one to a drug store, for two items he thought would best suit whatever respective outcome his conversation with Al would be, good or bad. But first, after leaving the library he'd taken a very long walk through the park and around a few streets and tried to come up with the best way to word his answers that weren't typically defensive or guarded or antagonising.

Overall he'd been gone from the apartment for the entire afternoon, it was just about 6 PM when he returned home and he heaved his hundredth sigh for the day as he kicked off his boots in the entrance after shutting the door and then made his way to the kitchen.

"Alphonse?" he called aloud as he stopped at the kitchen table and put the brown paper bag that contained a bottle of whiskey down on the table surface. Edward then walked around the kitchen table and over to the cupboard where they kept the glasses and he reached in to grab two whiskey tumblers.

"Hey Al, I'm ready to talk…" he announced audibly, ignoring the anxiety forming in the pit of his stomach at the inevitable conversation. He placed the glasses down on the table and was just pulling a chair back so he could sit down when he realised the apartment was dead silent and he'd received absolutely no answer.

 _'The door was locked.'_  He belatedly realised, ' _Al's not back yet.'_  He frowned, remembering the sound of the main door closing that morning as being the last he'd heard from his younger sibling.

A bit of panic crept up his spine, worst case scenarios rushing into his mind of Alphonse leaving him because he wasn't happy with what had happened the night before and because Ed hadn't wanted to talk about it.

He panicked even more when he realised he'd probably given Al the wrong idea about his feelings, his eyes widened as –and he felt like a moron- it belatedly dawned on him what was probably going through Al's mind,

"Fuck, what if he thinks  **I**  regret what happened last night?" he whispered to himself as his chest started to pain and he gripped the back of the chair tightly.

Edward's panic stopped his breath in his throat and he looked around the kitchen in a cold furious shock,

"Fuck!" he shoved the chair back into the table and pressed his face into his hands with a loud exhale,  _'How could I possibly have_ _ **missed**_ _that? The entire time, since the fucking beginning, he's been insecure about how_ _ **I felt about being with him**_ _, then I go and avoid him after last night?'_  he didn't know if he'd ever done a more fucked up thing, how such an obvious explanation for Al's confusion and worry that morning hadn't occurred to him he didn't know.

Especially because in the past few months of their unnatural relationship, Edward had let Alphonse down countless times when it came to promises of love and being together, so it was ridiculously obvious now that his avoidance of the subject that morning would have come across as  _regret_ to Al.

 _'I have to find him, I have to fix it…I have to tell him…'_  he glanced around the kitchen again and then turned and walked quickly out in to the hall. He made a bee line for the main door, thinking of just where the hell to start looking for his sibling, but when he reached the door he stopped suddenly just a few foot away and blinked.

On the back of the door was a sticky paper note, Edward didn't hesitate, he stepped forward and snatched the note off the door with lightly trembling fingers. Again, his mind was filled with alarms of Al leaving him with nothing but a bitter note, probably with an accusation or hateful words scribbled on it.

But his melodramatic panic was deflated the instant he read the neatly written words on the paper, it was nothing awful, nothing scathing or ominous, just a simple note,

_-When you're ready to talk, you'll find me on the roof. The apartment is too quiet.-_

Edward closed his eyes, knees feeling weak as all of his stress left him in a flood and he crumpled the note in his hand and exhaled shakily,

"The roof...he's still here…he's on the roof." He nodded to himself and opened his eyes again to stare at the back of the door, feeling slight dampness in his eyes.

That little episode of dread and misery that he'd just gone through had been very,  **very** enlightening and suddenly, the idea of talking to Al, clearing the air and knowing that his beloved younger brother still loved him and wasn't going to leave him –hate him- made him feel like his life, his happiness and Al's, depended on it.

Edward was ready to talk.

* * *

_That's the best and that's the test in it._

* * *

Ed had never been up to the roof of their apartment building before, he wondered as he climbed the stairs and listened to the scuffing of his boots on the concrete and soft clinking of the tumblers he carried in one hand, whether Alphonse had been up on the roof before and he hadn't known.

Edward figured he'd ask, it could be a good conversation starter if the bottle of whiskey didn't sufficiently get the conversation ball rolling. He climbed the final set of stairs and then he paused to tuck the whiskey bottle under his arm so he could open the door with his free hand. It was almost dark outside by that time, it was close to 6.30, and the sun was usually completely set around 7 pm in Central. Ed pushed the roof door open and once he'd stepped through he let it swing closed and he glanced up at the iris blue sky, it was a slowly darkening further and was scattered with white clouds, the city sky was still attractive despite the lack of stars.

He smiled slightly as the wind kicked up and sent his bangs across his face and his ponytail over his shoulder, it was cool and fresh and quiet enough without feeling empty and lonely. He could hear the sound of existence, the natural sounds of life, and while it wasn't a specific noise that he could describe, it was there, relaxing and calming and unobtrusive. Edward absently took the bottle from under his arm as he realised that the atmosphere on the roof actually seemed like a great place to have a quiet, personal conversation.

The space was wide open save for the multiple small chimney shoots, the water tank and the stairway exit, the walls surrounding the roof were around waist high and since Central's buildings tended to be all around the same height and design, there was a relative amount of privacy from anyone else visiting the roofs of their buildings.

 _'I wonder where Alphonse is?'_  he frowned as he walked a little ways forward.

"Ed." He nearly started at the quiet, audible statement of his name and he turned around to find Alphonse was sitting at the side of the stairway entrance, back against the side wall, legs bent up and arms encircling his knees loosely. He looked relaxed, a little sleepy and sad.

Edward took a subtle but deep breath and managed a smile as he raised the whiskey bottle and glasses,

"Thirsty?" at any other time Ed would have been furious at anyone, especially himself, offering his younger brother liquor, but this situation called for something to ease both of their nerves. Because personal feelings, affections and confusions aside, they were  **brothers**  and they were  **incestuous**  and no amount of flowery words or sentiments would ever cover it up, not even if it was their secret, it was still ugly and it would test the strength of their minds and resolve in the long run and…

Edward swallowed thickly as it occurred to him just what his underlying anxiety was really about. It was partially to do with having to share his feelings verbally, but it was more to do with  _reality_. Loving each other mutually and equally and intimately was all well and good if they both wanted it and felt it was right…but in reality, what they'd be doing would always be  **wrong** and could never be acknowledged.

And with that he realised that the worry –where it might not always be prominent- would always be there as well, carefully reminding him of everything they would be risking to be together.

"Not really, but I'll have one with you." Alphonse said audibly and Edward blinked at him, forcing himself to walk forward toward the younger blonde before his nerves and stress got the better of him.

He'd barely sat down beside Alphonse before he set the glasses down between each of their inner set legs and opened the bottle, pouring two generous shots. Edward didn't hesitate to drain his shot, grimace and clench his teeth against the burn, before he poured himself another.

"Do I have to wait for you to be drunk before you're ready to talk to me?" Alphonse sounded hurt and disappointed and Ed paused half way through draining his second shot when he remembered that alcohol had a bad insinuation between them as well, just like his avoidance to talk.

He blinked as he finished the second shot and then he set the glass down between his legs and slowly closed the bottle, shaking his head and clearing his throat,

"No, sorry…I just…uh…" he licked his lips and put the bottle down as well before he leaned back against the wall and lay his legs out flat on the concrete roof top, "…have you uh, have you been up here before?" he went to his default conversation starter when Al's silence and distant stare at the far roof end became too uncomfortable.

Alphonse blinked slowly, he looked very upset about something as he reached for his untouched shot of whiskey and picked the glass up, bringing it to his nose to sniff it before he took a small sip and looked decidedly disgusted,

"No, this is the first time." He mumbled and held the glass out to Ed, "It tastes awful, no thanks."

Edward took the glass from him, his cold fingers touching Al's warm ones briefly, and then he placed the glass down on the concrete, earning himself a thoughtful look from the younger blonde. Ed smiled slightly,

"I'm not going to drink anymore until after we've talked, okay." He informed softly, hoping to ease some of the tension.

Edward wanted to drink the shot, he wanted to keep his hands and his mouth busy somehow to distract himself from whatever was to come but he owed Al far more than a buzzed conversation. He was sure that Alphonse wanted straight answers, not ones laced with alcohol. He just quietly told himself that everything would be okay and when it was all over, he'd see Al smile…

…and maybe he'd kiss him, here on the roof. They were alone, out of sight, it'd be okay to get just one kiss. He wanted it to be okay.

Alphonse nodded slightly before he sighed loudly and again encircled his knees with his arms as he leaned his head back against the smooth brick of the wall and stared up at the sky. He didn't say anything as Ed had expected him to, so the older blonde settled back as well, slumping against the wall with his head rested back as well, doing as Alphonse did and staring up at a shaded blue sky and shapeless puffy clouds that seemed to glow wherever the light of the crescent moon touched them.

He watched them trail slowly across the sky and he wondered what the world would look like from up there, what the landmass might look like from high up above the clouds. That led his thoughts to his unfinished plans for an air craft he'd one day like to create. He was just beginning to rethink his idea designs when Alphonse finally whispered minutes later,

"Are you really in love with me?"

The question was quiet but so glaringly straightforward that Edward actually felt his stomach do a back flip. He kept his eyes on the sky determinately, he was aware that Al was now giving him a sidelong look but he couldn't face him right then, he was afraid he would see the doubt in green-gold eyes, the very same as he heard it in the younger blonde's tone when Al had asked that question.

 _'He doesn't believe me, because he doesn't trust me.'_ Edward frowned and then lowered his eyes, keeping his head leaned back,

"Yes, I am." He answered simply, honestly. It was the best he could do for them both, if he tried to get wordy with his answers he'd fuck everything up, he knew that answering plainly and to the point with only  _truth_  was his best bet. Out of his peripheral he saw Al turn his eyes away, this time to the ground and another minute of quiet passed before he spoke again,

"What does that mean?" he sounded irritated.

Edward did an awkward double take, on the second look he frowned and kept his eyes on Al,

"I don't…understand the question." He said stupidly, he really didn't know how to answer that. He felt his anxiety building again when Alphonse looked at him with a frown of his own,

"I mean…" Al licked his lips and frowned deeper, apparently not really knowing what he meant either, "…I mean is it, is it like…is it like I feel about you or…not?" he half rolled his eyes, he seemed frustrated with himself.

Edward stared at Alphonse as the wind licked at their hair, Al's bangs had grown enough that they feathered over his eyes and made him squint slightly, but not as bad as Ed's which brushed across his neck and into his face obscuring his view irritatingly. He was glad it wasn't too dark on the roof though, the light of the city and moon was enough that their features weren't distorted by the night and he could see Al clearly.

Ed ran the question through his mind as Al stared at him expectantly and he decided that, yes, the straightforward answer would still work best,

"It's the same as you feel for me." He stated quietly and evenly.

Alphonse gave him a look that suggested his answer was not good enough,

"So…what…so you feel the same as I do romantically? Sexually?" Al asked irritably but still quietly.

Edward nodded,

"Yeah." He said simply and maintained eye contact with Al, hoping to convey his sincerity, but the younger blonde looked increasingly irritable.

"Last night, why did you kiss me, why did we…do what we did?" Alphonse had shifted so his hands were clutching his jeans at his knees. Edward watched as Al looked away from him, face tensing and eyes narrowing. Ed swallowed thickly before he ventured an answer that was uncomplicated,

"Because we both wanted to, because I wanted to." He frowned and asked his own quiet question, "Did you want to?"

"I don't believe you." Alphonse exhaled his words sadly, eyes widening, he completely ignored Ed's question and then unexpectedly he was getting up and Edward panicked and quickly got to his feet before Al could walk away.

Ed quickly grabbed the younger blonde's shoulders and when he turned Al to face him, his hands clutching Al, who was rigid and trying to pull away, the sight of tears in Alphonse's eyes cut him deeply.

The crying was supposed to be over,

"Alphonse, what do you mean, why the hell don't you believe me?" he asked in a harsh but quiet tone, frowning worriedly. The younger blonde shoved him back slightly and Ed let go of his upper arms, giving Al some space,

"Because you avoided me this morning," Al whispered harshly and Ed frowned, angry at himself all over again for his stupidity, "because you were gone all day,  _avoiding me_ , because you're drinking just so you can  _talk_  to me, because you're giving me these… **mechanical**  answers." He accused emotionally, "You're just telling me what I want to hear I suppose." He took in a quick shaky breath, it seemed like a sob caught in his throat, and he turned away from Ed, pushing a hand into his hair as he glared at the ground.

Edward closed his eyes, feeling cold from disbelief that even when he was trying  _not_  to fuck up, he fucked up.

" **Why did you do this to me again?** " Alphonse half shouted, holding his forehead.

Edward opened his eyes quickly, shocked and frightened by the sheer grief in Alphonse's voice and when he laid eyes on his pale younger brother it felt like his heart stopped from the pain seizing it.

Alphonse looked broken as he stood there,

"I was trying so  **hard** , I was doing so  **well**  and I was making things right between us, Ed." He was on the verge of tears, "Then you…what was that, was it pity?  **Why** did you kiss me when you don't even feel that way about me?" he clenched his fists before he pressed them to his forehead, exhaling a bit loudly, "I didn't sleep last night, it was  **all**  I could think about…" He half mumbled that last part followed by a sniff and a shaken breath.

He was crying but it was silent tears.

Edward stared at him and then inhaled deeply…and he smiled bitterly. Alphonse looked at him as if he were the worst thing in the world to dare smile but it didn't matter, Ed was already feeling like shit as he let his weak knees give out. He back stepped, pressing one hand to the wall behind him and then he lowered himself to the ground slowly, his boots scraping against the concrete noisily,

"Unbelievable, just fucking great." He sighed and rubbed his thumb and fingers into his eyes.

Alphonse stayed where he was, no doubt still glaring,

"What?" he asked flatly.

Edward picked up the glass with the shot in it, fully aware of the look of disgust that crossed Al's face as he did so, but he drank it down anyway and then he allowed the anger that was always present in him where his self-disappointment was involved and he chucked the glass at the far end of the roof with quite a bit of force.

It hit the wall and shattered and Al's breath hitched as he turned to stare wide eyed at the now scattered glass pieces, some catching the moonlight but the rest lost to the shadow of the wall. Ed was clenching his jaw, his smile gone and he glanced at the whiskey bottle before he picked it up and tilted it to look at its amber contents, contemplating throwing it as well.

His anger was always the easiest thing to express, always had been.

"Edward?" Alphonse said quietly and Ed swallowed tensely, he'd just thought of how one voice always pulled him back from his anger, Alphonse's voice. Right then it did actually calm him and he lowered the bottle to the ground again slowly,

"I  **mean**  it." He said simply but his voice was firm, "I'm not telling you what you  _want_  to hear, I'm telling you what  _I need_  to say, what you  _need_ to know." He kept his voice low as he raised the bottle absently and took a swig straight from it, swallowing the burning liquid with a slow blink.

Alphonse was quiet for a while and then he sat down right where he was standing a meter away, crossing his legs underneath him loosely and rubbing his hands over his face,

"You don't sound happy about it." He informed dully, wiping tears from his eyes.

Edward raised his eyebrows and shrugged,

"I've been dreading this conversation since last night." He admitted and when Al looked at him that time he met his gaze, "I'm not good with words and every time we  _talk_  about  _this_  subject I always say the wrong thing." He sighed and bent one knee up so he could rest an elbow on it, the bottle dangled between his legs from his hand, "I thought keeping my answers straightforward would be better, but it backfired on me…" he scoffed and shook his head, "…what else is new?" He took another swig from the bottle.

" **Stop**  drinking." Alphonse said in an oddly sad and desperate tone and Ed paused with the bottle at his lips as he swallowed his mouthful and licked his lips slowly. He did as told, putting the bottle down and hanging his head as he folded his arms over his stomach and drew his legs up, not bothering to stop his bangs from blowing across his face, "Thank you." Alphonse sighed.

There was a beat of silence, interrupted only by wind and a car hooting in the distance and then Al sighed again,

"So you kissed me because you  _wanted_ to, not because I was coming across as desperate or something?" he sounded so insecure when he asked that Ed felt a pang of guilt, he hadn't realised he'd made Al feel that way.

He shook his head and looked at his sibling adoringly,

"No, Al," he took a quiet breath before he answered, "you were actually doing so well at the whole  _brother_  thing that it started to bother me," he swallowed and averted his eyes, feeling awkward about saying what he had to say, "I started to realise that I wanted to be intimately close to you, I realised what I was giving up." He spoke quietly.

Ed glanced at Al who was frowning and shaking his head,

"That doesn't mean you're in love with me, Edward." He said with a hitch in his voice, "Wanting to have sex with me isn't being in love with me." He sounded slightly bitter.

The candidness of his words would have bothered Edward once upon a time, but it didn't right then, it just made Ed glance around a bit awkwardly, worried about being overheard, and then he frowned at Al,

"Do you think I'm stupid, really? You think I looked at you on the ferris wheel last night, kissed you and decided I was just in love there and then?" it was a rhetorical question and Alphonse looked confused. Ed bit the bullet, getting the biggest confession out of the way, "Alphonse, I've felt this way for a while, I realised it…" he inhaled and his frown turned to a look of guilt, "…I realised it not long after you broke up with me the first time." He admitted in a mumble.

Alphonse stared at him with narrowed eyes, no doubt replaying  **all**  of the painful arguments and emotional agony they'd gone through since, every single thing a bi-product of Edward – as far as Al had known- not returning his feelings. Ed stared back, feeling a personal kind of fear creep along his skin, the feeling was reserved only for Alphonse, his revered younger sibling's rare wrath. When Al got to his feet suddenly Ed tensed up, the younger blonde took an obviously steadying breath and then closed the distance between them. Ed flinched when Al snatched up the whiskey bottle from between his legs and then gave an unexpected –and none too gentle- kick to his automail shin, knocking Ed slightly off balance for a second,

"You… **you** …" Al was saying the words breathily and Ed looked up at him with a wary raised eyebrow as the younger blonde took a long swig from the whiskey bottle.

"You're angry, I'm sorry." Ed said sincerely and he flinched again when Alphonse wheezed and coughed and gagged at the whiskey no doubt burning like liquid fire down in his inexperienced throat,

"Yes!" Al wheezed and grimaced at the bottle before he handed it over to Ed, who took it with only slight hesitation and put it back on the floor between his legs carefully, "Yes I'm pissed off because…all this  **time** …"

Ed rubbed a hand over his face, feeling like an asshole,

"I know Al, that's why I was dreading telling you, I knew you'd be angry."

"I'm  **pissed off**." Al said loudly, "And  **hurt**." He glared down at Ed with shining eyes.

Ed fought the urge to start spewing his usual apologies, he'd spent all afternoon telling himself that no matter what, he wouldn't do that. So he took a breath and sorted his words out in his head before he spoke up, watching Alphonse glare down at him with a calm and apologetic expression, he hoped what he was about to say wouldn't back fire on him,

"Remember what it was like for you when you first realised how you felt about me? Your own brother…" he said quietly and he watched as Alphonse paled. Ed forced himself to go on despite the lump in his throat, "…I know we'd already been together by the time I realised it Alphonse, but,  **realising**  it wasn't any less confusing or scary for me." He clenched his fists as his hands started to shake.

Yes, he'd been scared, hell, he still was.

"I tried to deny it." Edward confessed quietly and hung his head, his wind untidy bangs hiding his already shadowed face. It was quiet for a few seconds and then Al shifted and his shoes scraped against the concrete of the roof floor as he stepped closer, Ed watched Al's feet as he sat down again where he'd been sitting before, beside Ed. He raised his head then and leaned it back against the wall but his gaze drifted to Alphonse when the younger blonde half sniffed and half laughed shortly before he shook his head, eyes glistening in the highlights of the moon,

"I went through that…" Al mumbled and wiped the back of his hand over his cheeks and nose, "…it hurts, I know." He glanced at Ed and gave him a watery smile and the older blonde stared, entranced by the sight of his younger brother, before he smiled back, showing a few of his teeth,

"I felt like an idiot," he knew he was about to sound like a complete sap but Al deserved it, "every time I tried not to think about you that way, it didn't work." He kept smiling as he relaxed his eyes and swept his gaze lovingly –if a bit leeringly- over Alphonse, "What can I say Al, it's impossible  **not**  to fall for you."

Alphonse's expression eased into a mock reproving look before he snorted and leaned back against the wall,

"Don't make fun of me." He muttered and swallowed slowly. Ed watched his adams apple shift under the pale skin of his neck, he watched Al blink down at the ground between his legs, dark blonde lashes damp and clumped from tears caught in them. Alphonse's nose seemed redder than it should be, because under the moonlight his cheeks seemed paler, and his lips looks almost rosy as he worried them with his teeth, pursing, biting and licking them as he sniffed quietly and contemplated whatever it was he had on his mind right then.

And Edward looked at him, really  _looked_  at him…and he found he couldn't take his eyes off of him.

Edward inhaled so his chest rose slowly and he blinked tears he hadn't realised were even ready to fall from his eyes, his breath felt stuck as his emotions rushed to the surface and he found himself swallowing the need to exhale as he memorized Alphonse's innocence right then. Somehow after everything, he still looked so young and lost and angelic. Whether it was the cleansing moonlight or the sadness in his slightly drawn brow, he looked perfect, he looked like everything Ed ever remembered.

Sweet and honest, pure and soft, Al's nature was to be good and being any other way just seemed wrong. Ed knew his view of the younger blonde was idealistic and naïve, but there were worse ways to lie to yourself.

Edward smiled and clenched his eyes against a few more tears before he sniffed and Al turned to look at him, Ed's smile broadened and he watched Al's expression turn curious,

"You're too good for me, Alphonse…" his breath hitched and Alphonse frowned sadly, "…but you're stuck with me." Ed added and he glanced down to locate Alphonse's hand before he took it in his own. His long, cold fingers were trembling as he squeezed the younger blonde's hand and pressed it between both of his before he kissed Al's knuckles.

Alphonse shook his head and shifted closer, turned slightly to the side so his inner set leg rested against Ed's where it lay flat on the ground and he drew his other leg up for balance. He squeezed Ed's hand as best he could and then took his own hand back so he could place it on Ed's cheek, his palm was warm against Edward's cold face.

Ed kept his head leaned back and licked salty tears from his lips as Alphonse's fingers lightly shifted against his skin, his thumb brushing along the curve of Ed's nose. Edward thought he might say something, but instead Al leaned in and kissed him softly on his lips before he drew back and Ed was surprised by the depth of emotion in Alphonse's half lidded eyes when he spoke next,

"I'm not stuck, it's exactly what I want Edward, I'm…I'm  **happy**." His words hitched in his throat as he smiled and Edward pursed his lips as Al's hand moved to his shoulder, clutching there as the younger blonde pressed his face to the side of Ed's neck and they shifted into a tight and unorganised embrace, Edward returned it tightly, clutching Al right back.

They sniffed for a while, settling slowly and eventually Edward was sitting with his weight leaned back on the wall while Alphonse was curled up beside him, against him, one leg between Ed's own and his head rested on Ed's shoulder, arms around Ed's waist since he was sitting at an angle against the wall. Edward was absently running his fingers through Al's hair, his hand had wandered there at some point and his other was rested over Alphonse's hand where it was holding onto his shirt, settled against Ed's chest.

It was probably close to an hour that they sat that way and Ed appreciated every second of the comfortable silence, he was glad he'd said what had needed to be said, he was glad Alphonse was  **happy**.

"So, what now?" Alphonse asked quietly, his tone was breathy as he whispered.

Edward opened his mouth, but caught himself, he'd been about to give one of his default answers, he'd been going to say that anything Alphonse wanted was fine. But then he remembered that word, anything, had come to have a sort of negative undertone between them.

He'd have to remember to try and avoid those sorts of triggers between them, at least for a while until things had worked themselves out and got to be a bit more stable, although just what a stable incestuous relationship looked like Ed had no fucking idea, but he trusted that it'd work itself out.

He had to trust that if they could truly be together despite all of the odds and wrongness of it, then it'd work out.

"Ed?" Alphonse shifted, finally sitting up and looking at Ed, his hair was untidy and shifting in the wind that had settled to a constant breeze and he looked adorable.

Ed smirked at the thought, so honest, he really thought Alphonse was  _adorable_  right then, so he let that feeling settle and warm his chest as he regarded his younger brother. He knew Alphonse wanted real answers, he wanted  **real**  everything. He'd said so at some point, during some argument, in some variance of words, that he hated the pretence and illusion of the relationship they'd had before.

So Ed concluded that there would be no picking up where they'd left off, instead,

"We start again Al, completely new, a clean slate. I know how you feel about me and you know I feel the same now…" his smirk easily slipped into a genuine smile, "…so fuck everything that happened before, what do you say? You want a fresh start?" he raised an eyebrow and absently brushed some of his bangs off his face.

Alphonse smiled at him tenderly and nodded,

"That sounds perfect," he shifted from sitting on his side to his backside, crossing one leg underneath himself, "so, it won't be awkward, and we'll share a bed and it'll be like a proper coup-…"

"Al…" Edward cut him off and sat forward, leaning off the wall for the first time in an hour and managing not to grimace at the stiffness in his spine as he smiled lazily at his younger brother, "…you don't have to ask those questions. It's not an agreement anymore, it is  **real** , so it'll be real between us." He said quietly, finding himself feeling pleasantly calm and even somewhat excited about the prospect of a happy Alphonse and happiness in general.

It'd been so long since his chest felt so light and warm.

Alphonse seemed to be trying to understand exactly what that meant and Edward was disappointed that –as usual- Al was over thinking everything. It was their dynamic, Edward was an impulsive, do first and think –or regret- later sort of person, whereas Al tended to over think everything and then rethink it until he'd exhausted all of his options and managed to categorize everything neatly in his mind.

It was useful for strategy and excellent for advanced and intricate alchemical math, but for life, it was tedious.

 _'Then again, he's had a very short_ _ **life**_ _in his adult human body and a lot of that time was spent ill and then emotionally conflicted. It's about time he actually started_ _ **living**_ _.'_  Edward thought sadly as he continued to watch Alphonse mentally take his words apart and put them back together, absently pressing his thumb nail underneath his other finger nails.

Edward sighed,  
"Alphonse, stop doing that." He reached out and pinched Al's nose lightly between his thumb and finger.

Al frowned and caught his hand, slipping their fingers together and holding his hand tightly,

"Doing what?" he asked quietly.

Ed raised his eyebrows lazily,

"Being all," he gestured with his free hand around his head, "in your head and stuff. Tell me what you're thinking…" Alphonse blushed ever so slightly and it looked attractive, mixing with the contrasting white skin, blue hue and purple red of Al's lips under the night sky, "…you can say whatever it is." He encouraged.

Alphonse continued to blush and he squeezed Ed's hand before he bobbed his eyebrows once and stared down at their hands,

"I was just thinking about last night," he mumbled, "it was different, it was how I'd always wanted it to be."

Edward felt a pang of guilt at those words, he'd known how withdrawn and limited he'd been during sex and he knew Alphonse knew he'd been holding back purposely in the past,

"I have a lot to make up for Al, and I intend to do just that." He said simply and then afterward realised he'd pretty much just told Alphonse he'd be glad to have lots of make-up sex.

It was strange and Al looked surprised and suddenly less innocent…but all the same, it was true and Ed meant it.

Then Al's face fell and he whined and looked like he wanted to pull his hair out,

"Shit, I went out today but I forgot to buy lube." He said somewhat loudly and Edward glanced around awkwardly and patted Al's knee to get his attention from his thoughts of frustration and inward fuming,

"Al, relax…" Ed said quietly and then he shifted, reaching his hand as he lifted his waist and slipped his hand into his jeans pocket.

He pulled out a plain white, hand sized –slightly squashed- box and held it up for Al to see and the younger blonde took it from him and read the plain name label,

"What's this?" he asked as he turned the box over.

Edward frowned,

"It's lube." He said quietly, he'd been expecting to feel awkward about buying lube for the first time to use with his own brother, but since Al looked unimpressed with his purchase, he was more irritated than anything else.

He watched with a few blinks and a deepening frown as Alphonse opened the box and pulled the tube out, popping the cap and smelling it curiously,

"It has no smell." He commented, sounding disappointed.

Edward huffed and took the tube back, closing it and pushing it back inside its box,

"It's not that fancy shit that you buy that smells like peaches and fucking cream, but it works just  **fine**." He said in an annoyed mumble and was about to put it back in his pocket when Alphonse took it from him again, at the same time he crawled into Ed's space, in between his legs and kissed him.

Edward inhaled quietly through his nose as his lips were sealed over by Alphonse's and his shoulders and head were pressed back against the wall. He kissed back, parting his lips to run his tongue over and past Al's lips, kissing the younger blonde slowly but attentively, every stroke of tongue and exhale or hitch of breath between them turned him on and warmed him, physically and emotionally.

It was a good feeling, he liked it. No more anxiety or apprehension…

…but there was still the need for caution.

Alphonse's free hand had found its way to his stomach, tugging at his shirt and then shifting lower so that he could press his palm and curl his fingers as best he could over Ed's groin through his tight jeans. Edward opened his eyes as he broke off the kiss and ran his hand up over Al's chest to cradle his neck and push him back gently,

"We should go downstairs." He said quietly, feeling his lust fully and allowing it to lace into his tone just enough to let Al know he was eager to take it back to the apartment.

Alphonse snuck in a quick kiss and shook his head, smiling downright naughtily,

"We can stay up here, can't we? I can seal the door, no one will see us…" he said in short breaths as he slowly did his best to rub Edward's cock through his jeans.

Edward swallowed thickly, the ministrations of Al's hand were slight because Ed's legs were bent up and his jeans were bunched and uncomfortable, but the intent behind the action was quickly getting him hard. Still, he had to think for both of them, because it seemed where sex was concerned his younger sibling swapped places with him and became the impulsive one.

Ed had an appreciation for that, but his instinct to protect Al was stronger than his interest in roof top sex, so he had to take their business to a private place where there'd be no risk of anyone knowing the sins they were willing to commit with one another.

"No, Al…we  **have**  to go inside." He said gently but seriously as he placed his hands on Al's thighs where he knelt between Ed's legs. Alphonse looked like he wanted to disagree, but ultimately didn't fight him and Ed was relieved when Al smiled and nodded,

"Okay, let's go…"

* * *

  
_That's the doubt, the doubt,_   
_The trust in it._   


* * *

Once the door to the apartment was closed and locked, they came together again as they moved from the entrance way into the hall, kissing slowly and deeply, meaningfully, their hands moving over each other's body's in caresses and gropes.

Edward felt somewhat overwhelmed by the emotions that caught up with him as he undressed Alphonse slowly and kissed him hungrily, keeping each deep stroke of tongue into Al's mouth slow and provocative. He slid Al's shirt up over his head with skin seeking hands, breaking the kiss for only a second before he dipped his head in again and caught Al's lips with his own, sucking and tasting, Alphonse moaned and sought his tongue again eagerly.

Ed dropped the shirt at the threshold of his bedroom as they crossed it and then firmly caressed Alphonse all the way back down, from the sides of his neck, over his chest, his flanks and over his lower stomach to pinch Al's button and zipper between his fingers and unfastened them.

Alphonse was breathing heavily, Edward could feel one of his hands moving freely across his lower back while Al's other hand held firmly onto the box of lube.

They parted mouths for Al to step out of his jeans and Edward took the moment to pull his own shirt over his head and off. He had his eyes focused on Alphonse undressing and he licked his lips as he enjoyed the deep thrill of arousal that ran freely down his spine and into his sternum and lower stomach where it settled and filled his groin with heat, firming his cock completely.

He wanted Alphonse. Ed dropped his shirt aside as he stepped closer to his younger brother who wore nothing now but the tight boxer-briefs that fit so perfectly to his waist and privates that Edward couldn't help running his hands down and over the smooth cotton clinging to Al's ass. He traced Alphonse's backside making the younger blonde shudder and press into him so that their erections were pressured between them, hard and defined.

Alphonse took to kissing his shoulder and Edward's hands groped his younger brother's firm ass once tightly before he cupped each cheek near the bottom. Ed enjoyed the kisses as he moved one hand lower so he could curl his fingers under the material, he wanted to touch. Al shuddered and moaned against his neck as Edward's fingers brushed the underside of Al's balls inside his underwear. Then he traced the cleft of Al's ass teasingly, biting back a moan of his own, just over where his anus was, before he parted Al's buttocks with his fingers and his other hand above the underwear and pressed in so he could gently rub and stimulate the sensitive ring of muscle.

Right then, Edward found that sexing Alphonse up until he thoroughly melted, was all he could think of. After all, Alphonse deserved it and they both wanted it.

Al's breathing was erratic against his shoulder and Al seemed to have forgotten what he was doing with his mouth as he trembled and caressed Ed's skin randomly with shaking hands, pressing close to Ed.

Edward smiled and took some skin on Al's shoulder between his teeth as he slipped his hands up to Alphonse's waist and slowly pushed his underwear down so it slid over his legs and pooled at his feet.

Alphonse's fingers tensed on his skin and Edward wondered if he was uncomfortable since he was just shaking, quiet and stiff, against him. His smile faded and he placed a kiss where he'd nipped, hands settled gently on Al's narrow waist, thumbs tracing each line of Al's defined abdomen V shape, Ed pulled back and looked into the younger blonde's face,

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly.

Alphonse's eyes were half lidded and his cheeks flushed as he nodded somewhat haltingly.

Edward didn't believe him so he thought it'd be best to set some optional boundaries, even if they were on the same page feelings wise, it seemed that sexually Al's emotions would always run far higher and more vulnerable than Ed's own.

Innocence. Edward loved it, it warmed his chest as a brother and turned him on as a lover.

"If I do anything that makes you uncomfortable just tell me." He said quietly.

Alphonse shook his head, frowning as he swallowed slowly,

"It's not that…" he mumbled and brought his arms up to wrap around Ed's neck, "…I'm just not used to you touching me  _there_  so much, you usually only touch me there when you prepare me." He was whispering, obviously doing as Ed said and saying whatever he was thinking.

It was not a bad thing, it would actually help Ed figure out what Al liked and didn't like,

"So is it good or bad?" he mumbled against Al's shoulder as he lightly held him in his arms, kissing his skin softly.

Alphonse ducked his face into Ed's neck and gently pressed forward so their pelvises rubbed together, Al's free and sticky erection leaving pre-come moisture on Ed's lower stomach just above where his jeans sat low on his hips. Ed shuddered lightly and Al kissed his neck,

"It's good, it feels really good when you touch me there." He said quietly, kissing upward to Ed's ear.

Edward raised an eyebrow as he slowly shifted his hands from Al's mid back down to his buttocks again and when Al shivered against him and tongued his ear, Ed boldly parted the younger blonde's buttocks again and pressed the middle finger of his right hand down slowly until the tip of his finger was pressed against Alphonse's asshole,

"You like it when I finger you, Alphonse?" he asked in a husky voice as he rubbed gently.

Edward was genuinely surprised when Alphonse moaned deeply and dug fingernails into his back, the younger blonde's firm butt cheeks clenching as he pressed back against Ed's finger. He didn't even need to answer, Edward's head was nearly spinning from the absolute sexual power that moan had over him.

His cock was aching, wetting his boxers and he hadn't even had much direct physical stimulation.

He never imagined Alphonse would be the one who brought out such possessive, deep seated and intense desire. Then again, it had been latent up until recently, he'd kept the need and urges so pent up that right then they were undoing his control.

 _'I need to take it slow.'_  He reminded himself as he slowly rubbed his finger against Al's anus a few times and kissed a small trail up along the side of Alphonse's neck before he reached his ear,

"Lay down on the bed." He instructed softly.

Alphonse was incredibly pliant and he moved backwards a few steps to the bed easily before he sat down on the side. Ed followed and stopped Al before he could lie properly on the bed, Ed caught him gently by the backs of his knees and he tugged the younger –stark naked and fucking beautiful- blonde back to the bed side edge.

Alphonse's skin was a deep shade of pink, he was flushed and panting and swallowing and looking pained but Edward knew it was all good feelings in him by looking at the straining cock resting against the younger blonde's abs and the wet stickiness gathering at the top of the smooth, hot tip. He smiled and pressed his hands into the mattress on either side of Al's hips as he leaned down and sucked each of Al's nipples alternately, roughly and slowly.

Alphonse moaned, he arched his lower back as he laid down completely, not holding himself up on his elbows as he instead chose to tangle his fingers into Ed's ponytail.

"Edward…" he said breathily, lowly and Ed smirked against Al's skin as he trailed kisses downward.

He dipped his mouth with Al's skin when his stomach hollowed inward as the younger inhaled deeply and when Ed reached Alphonse's belly button he slid his tongue out and over and in the shallow dip and enjoyed how the younger blonde arched up and gripped his hair. Ed felt Alphonse's erection brush against the front of his throat, leaving a warm stickiness there and it caused a hot unfurling of arousal in his crotch.

He'd only given Al oral for the first time the night before, and he no longer had any hang ups about it , but he wanted to give Alphonse something else right then, exactly what he'd just confessed to enjoying only moments before. So Ed gave one slow lick up the underside of Alphonse's straining erection as he sought out the hand in which the younger blonde was clutching the lube.

When his fingers found Al's, clenched around the box, Edward sucked the smooth head of the younger blonde's penis into his moth at the same time as he management to pry the box away from Al's hand. There was another loud moan and a whine when he released the hot, thick sex from his mouth and kissed Alphonse's hip instead.

It was a new day and the taste of Al's pre-come on his tongue seemed stronger, more real than it had the night before. Ed licked his lips, accepting the taste, and pressed kisses along the neat defined lines of muscle and sinew underneath Alphonse's soft fair skin of his lower stomach, hips and upper thighs. It was easy enough to get the box open and remove the tube as he kissed along Alphonse's inner thigh and once he popped the cap open Ed squeezed a generous amount of the gel onto his right hand fingertips and then placed the tube on the bed, absently spreading the clear substance over his fingers.

Alphonse was breathing heavily, enjoying every kiss and Edward in turn enjoyed his reactions, especially when Ed placed his hand on the back of one of Al's thighs and applied some weight so that the leg was pushed back and the younger blonde was exposed to him. He'd seen it many times when they'd slept together before, but right then the soft, pink, textured skin of Alphonse's anus was more of a turn on than it had ever been before. Edward was once again struck by how perfect Alphonse was and as he gently rubbed the lubricated tip of his middle and index finger over the small opening, moistening the skin, Edward's cock throbbed painfully in his pants. Al moaned and his anus twitched at the massaging touch, Ed wanted to be inside of Alphonse a whole hell of a lot right then, he knew it was tight and smooth and  **hot**  and deep but he'd get there, he could be patient, first, it was about Al.

Edward's free hand went to undo his jeans and Alphonse was quivering and watching him as he absently stroked himself in-between caressing his own stomach. When Edward was able to push his jeans and underwear down and free his erection Al made a sweet moaning noise and shifted on to his elbows, all the while Ed rubbed Al's anus gently, feeling the tension ease and soften as the skin lost its dryness and the muscles relaxed, every press was just a bit closer to getting inside painlessly.

Edward took a moment to balance his weight on his free hand as he leaned over Alphonse again and started kissing him, open mouthed, between heavy breaths, and Al met his kiss at the same time as the younger blonde's fingers found the head of Ed's cock and started to massage it, pressing down and working Ed's foreskin back and forward pleasurably. Edward couldn't help a quiet moan and he also couldn't help slipping his full middle finger into Al's rectum and hearing the younger's breath catch. Ed felt the sphincter tighten and release a few times around his finger as Alphonse made small sounds into Ed's mouth, slowly Al drew back from the messy kiss and lay back down, pulling Ed with him to continue kissing in a more comfortable position.

Edward obliged, readjusting his weight on his free arm to the side of Al's head as he worked his finger in and out a few slow times, getting Al's body to loosen up. After some noisy, wet kissing and varied thrusts of his finger, Ed added a second and pushed a bit harder to get it to slide in beside his first.

Al stretched around his fingers, tensed and relaxed and when Ed opened his eyes and drew back from the kiss he was taken in by the sight of Al's parted lips, breath hitching softy with each slide in and out of his fingers, especially when he pressed in deeper and pulled them out all the way before re-entering. Al's body was relaxed enough that each re-entry was smooth and sucking, Al's anus stretched comfortably to accommodate the digits each time, making Edward's balls tight with throbs of pleasure.

It came across as trust to Edward, Alphonse's body trusted his touch which meant Al trusted him.

Alphonse opened his eyes and moaned when Edward pressed his two fingers back in and then purposely crooked them upward, and from there it was all moans and gasps as Ed carefully but determinately started to finger fuck Alphonse, making sure to crook his fingers on each outward movement of his hand. After just the first few, Al was clenching up around his fingers and moving down against Ed's hand eagerly, panting and moaning and grabbing at Ed's hair and neck as he managed a few kisses between his sounds.

Edward obliged each kiss as he worked his fingers rhythmically in and out, careful not to pull all the way out at the fast pace because he couldn't press his fingers back into the spasming cavity as quickly again, they weren't rounded or blunt enough and his nails –however short- were a hazard. Ed's own cock was dripping and strained as he held himself up above Alphonse, but despite how badly he wanted to touch himself, he could wait to be inside Al because it'd be that much better.

"Ah, Ed, Edward…ah!" Alphonse was saying against his lips urgently, his voice getting tighter and pitchier by the second. It was when one of Al's hand's left its task of caressing Ed's chest and abs to start jerking himself off that Ed slowed his fingers,

"If you do that, you'll come." He told Al quietly, breathily, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

"I want to, I need to…please…" Al said dazedly and continued to stroke himself as he tried to move his body downward. Ed just started moving his fingers again, except this time he worked his fingers inside to specifically bring Al to orgasm.

Ed watched Al's face twitch and crease and relax as he milked the younger blonde's prostate with firm circular rubbing of his two fingers, it only took a few good firm inner strokes of Al's hand before he came. Ed looked down between them as he pressed a few times more into Al's sweet spot of nerves, watching as Al arched, mouth opening with a short moan before his eyes clenched shut and his breaths came out harsh. He struggled to keep his shaking legs in the air when he came and Ed dipped his head to lick Al's open mouth when the younger blonde wrapped his legs around Ed's waist for support as moved his hips in a thrusting motion, thick white semen jetting out smoothly from his cock and sliding thickly over Al's stomach and still pumping hand.

As the last of it seeped out Edward stopped massaging and he instead scissored his fingers inside Al a few times before he pulled them out to push 3 fingers inside, breathing heavily he groaned quietly and tongued Al's open mouth when his fingers easily slipped in all the way. Al made a small sound at the stretch –eyes still closed and still swimming in lingering pleasure- but his body was relaxed enough after orgasm that Ed could spread his fingers inside. He felt the tension around his three fingers for the first few slow scissoring movements but then Alphonse relaxed properly as his breathing regulated.

Edward took the time to kiss Alphonse's neck as he carefully finished preparation and then removed his fingers completely, before he reached for the lube again. Al's hand had found its way back between them now that he was more coherent, he was trying to stroke Ed's erection but the distance from where he lay with Ed leaning over him was a bit more than was good for leverage. It didn't matter anyway, because Ed gently moved Al's hand and smeared lube generously over his hard cock before he leaned over Alphonse more closely on one arm and he felt Alphonse's weak legs tighten slightly around his waist.

Al obviously knew what was coming and he leaned his head up to kiss Ed wetly and suck on his tongue, moaning quietly in what Edward perceived as encouragement as Al's hands gripped his waist and pulled him closer. His cock throbbed and he rubbed himself against Al's backside, rubbing the length of his sex over Al's anus a few times as his blood ran hot and fast through his veins.

Edward usually asked Alphonse if he could finish off during times when Al came first, but that was in the past. This time Ed didn't even warn Alphonse before he positioned his cock and pressed in slowly, he didn't need to, because even though Alphonse arched slowly off the bed as his anus was stretched to accommodate Ed's girth and his mouth parted on a quick exhale, Ed knew he felt no severe pain. Seconds later when he was in half way, Al's sphincter relaxed completely around his erection and the silk heat sucked him slowly and easily until he was in completely, pelvis to rear and Alphonse  **moaned**  in the way that strummed every tight cord of Ed's sexual drive as his body was filled. It was bliss for Edward, it always was, except usually it was mixed with guilt over feeling so good and liking it, but now it was just  _bliss_  and clenching, slick, wet heat.

Alphonse had already orgasmed, so Ed didn't need to go slow or hang on, he waited a few seconds of stillness as he readjusted Al's legs on his waist and leaned his weight forward so Al's lower half was partially propped up off the bed by Ed's upper legs, taking some of the strain off Al and pushing his cock in deeper, before he moved his hips back and pulled out just far enough before he pressed back in.

Alphonse moaned and kissed him, nibbling and exhaling hotly and raggedly against his neck and cheek and mouth, hands clutching, one on Ed's shoulder and the other on his bicep, gripping tightly enough to leave red patches on Ed's skin. He made a few more of the slow thrusts and then increased his pace quickly as Al's moans got louder. Edward moved according to what felt really, really good, he went from gently and slow to quick slaps and deepest penetration effortlessly, because Al's body was completely pliant and every thrust drew a moan from him that sent jolts of heat and pleasure straight into Ed's throbbing, embedded cock.

"Al…" he breathed out against Alphonse's open mouth as he played his tongue over Al's lips, catching the red kiss swollen lips between his teeth once or twice. Alphonse had gripped one hand into the bed sheet for leverage so he didn't writhe and shift too much on the mattress and Ed would have nail crescents in his shoulder and arm to show for the grip Al had on his shoulder as well.

He loved it, he loved how Al could barely breathe but couldn't help moaning, he loved the sweat gathering on the pale skin of his younger sibling, beading down his throat, settling in his clavicle, his exposed throat was just begging to be sucked on, and Ed obliged, leaving a pretty deep red blood clot against Al's unblemished skin before he licked over it, tasting the coppery-ness and liking it.

Ed's pleasure was building, Al's legs had fallen back, spread wider, knees near Al's shoulders and so Ed's hips snapped forward and drew backward with free movement and in an automatic –deeply satisfying- rhythm that felt best for him. Fast when he wanted to tease himself close to climax, slower when he wanted to torture himself with more of the wet, heat making his legs numb and shaky and hard and deep when he wanted to feel Al's anus spasm around him and feel the younger blonde shudder helplessly as his second orgasm inevitably approached.

Ed doubted Al was even aware of it as he made sure every thrust slid his erection over Al's prostate as much as possible, he was just writhing and moaning because it felt good in the way that only deep penetration could. Ed hadn't been on the receiving end in a  _long_  time but he had fond memories of the kind of pleasure that resonated from deep within and made your skin feel like it was on fire, painful and uncomfortable yet it felt so good you didn't want it to stop but needed it to end, to peak, to consume you.

Just seeing that pleasure on Al's face and thinking about the fact that he was making the younger feel like that made Ed speed up, working his cock faster now, in and out of Al's tight rectum which was doing its best to keep him inside where he fit almost too well. Al's legs were shaking, spread weakly to the side as he writhed, panted and moaned, trying to keep his eyes open but having no luck. Ed managed to keep his eyes open for the most part and he enjoyed and took deep sexual pleasure in watching Al moan for him.

It was so wrong…to be fucking Alphonse, he knew it, he'd always know it, but he wanted it and dammit, Alphonse clearly wanted it too. Alphonse was writhing desperately now, his erection not even semi-hard, but every muscle in his body was tight and Edward knew it was coming. With every messy slip of body fluids between them and every slap of skin, it was getting harder to pull out and Edward was glad because it was getting harder to see and think straight at the pace he was moving, the friction was raw pleasure to his sensitive rigid cock and he was going to come any time now…

…then he felt it. Alphonse gave in with a breathy cry and his body twitched in sensitive pleasure beneath Ed. As Alphonse reached his second –dry- orgasm, Edward couldn't hold back because the tightness of being inside was pure slick, hot ecstasy. He did his best to thrust in and out of it but he'd already started careening into his orgasm and his mouth hung open as he came just seconds after Al had climaxed from the stimulation. Ed's semen slickened Al's rectum even further as he moaned and blindly moved his sex inside, he was able to thrust a bit easier. He drew out the best of his pleasure as he pulled almost out and then worked the head of his cock into the tight ring of Al's anus a few times before he moaned brokenly and pressed himself deeply into Al's body, his body tensing and trembling as his hips finally stilled. Ed was groaning softly in pleasure, his breaths as uneven and heavy as Al's, and as the last of his bone deep pleasure moved through his body and over his skin to his extremities, he dipped his head and pressed dry, breathy kisses to Al's lips. Their mouths felt sticky from kissing and tasted salty from sweat and Ed grunted softly in appreciation.

It was all good things and it gave Ed a few last trails of pleasure down his spine, making him twitch his hips forward absently as he was still inside of Al and it felt good, the younger blonde made a sound into their kiss and Ed felt him smile against his lips. Alphonse was kissing his mouth and smoothing damp palms over his sweaty neck and back, shaking and breathy and stunning in his dishelleved state, Edward kept his half lidded gaze on the younger blonde and just relished the sight for a while. He brought one hand up to run his fingers through Al's damp hair, pushing what he could of the mess of bangs back from Al's face and then slowly, he used his fingers to move the remaining, clinging wet strands away too, enjoying the intimacy for once, as he hoped to enjoy it every time.

He'd never let himself enjoy being so incredibly close to Al before.

"I love you, Brother." Alphonse said as his eyes slid closed and he swallowed slowly, he was clearly exhausted and his words went unchecked. Edward forced himself not to tense up as a familiar swirl of nausea moved into his gut but he shoved it aside and bit back the words, 'Don't call me that', because they'd ruin the moment.

He loved being called 'brother' but he felt it had no place between them during sex, whenever they were having any kind of sex of all, he felt Alphonse should steer clear of that word, it just didn't sit well in Edward's gut –and conscience- to be called that while having his cock was inside of his younger sibling.

It was a fine remaining line, one that he supposed might fade with time, but for right then, he felt that way about that word being left out of moments like those.

But he'd tell Alphonse at another time, it hadn't been intentionally said to upset him or anything, he knew that. So he stole a tender kiss from Al's relaxed slightly parted lips, his own lips burned from kissing, and he continued to stroke his fingers through Al's damp hair. Edward didn't deem it necessary to reply since as far as he could tell, Al was already asleep, despite Ed's body weight resting on him and Al's legs laying spread eagle and dangling off the bed, he was out like a light and the older blonde smiled lovingly down at him.

Edward pressed two gentle kisses to Al's glossy, closed eyelids and inhaled softly against the skin of his cheek.

It was good, being like that, there was trust and comfort, Al obviously knew Ed would get him into a proper sleeping position, which he did just a minute later. Al knew Ed would make sure he was decently covered and warm, which Ed did. He trusted that he could give into his sated exhaustion, happy and loved and safe, and that when he woke up Ed would be there, then and always.

And Edward would be, because being a good lover and brother had more responsibilities in common than he'd ever have cared to think of, and to Alphonse, he would be the best of both.

So after removing himself, he took in the aftermath of the sex alone and with a small cold weight in his stomach. He set Alphonse into a proper sleeping position on the bed after looking over his visibly sex worn body, and Edward met no resistance from his sleeping sibling as he covered him up. He smiled at Al's gorgeous sleeping face before he sat down on the edge of his bed for a minute to look around his semi-dark room and the trail of clothes leading to his door and beyond, where their shoes were laying in the hall.

He didn't feel anxious or guilty, Edward felt tired and happy and emotional, he was subconsciously reeling because so much had happened and he was feeling so many –good- things he could hardly handle it, could hardly wrap his head around it.

He slept close beside Alphonse that night, lying awake for as long as he could to kiss the younger's bare shoulders and neck, and touch smooth naked skin he had no right to be touching and yet was gifted with the privilege of indulging in whenever he wanted to. And when Ed finally fell asleep, it was with a sense of calm and peace he hadn't felt since the day he'd retrieved Alphonse's body back from the Gate and was able to hold him –flesh and alive- for the first time in years.

**Happiness.**

* * *

_That's the sight and that's the sound of it._

* * *

Edward woke the next morning to a warm hand on his stomach and warmer, calm breathing puffing against his chest. He inhaled sleepily and forced his eyes open a few times before he managed to clear the bleariness of sleep from them and focus on the comfortable weight and closeness of Alphonse.

He knew it was Alphonse even before the previous night came back to his sleep addled brain, everything smelled of him, the air, the bed, his own skin and especially Al himself. Ed managed a small lazy smile as he lolled his head and lowered his gaze, Alphonse was laying against him, his chin rested on his hand on Ed's chest while his other hand caressed Ed's lower abdomen…somewhat teasingly.

Ed could feel everywhere their naked skin touched beneath the covers and it was warm and smooth and comfortable. Alphonse smiled at him, his half lidded eyes roaming slowly over Ed's face, he looked like he'd only just woken up himself.

"Morning." He mumbled, sighing quietly in content and Ed felt it against his chest, ticklish and sweet.

"Mornin'." Ed mumbled right back and closed his eyes for a second as he inhaled deeply. He raised a hand and rubbed at his eyes, stifling a yawn as he shifted his legs, feeling Al's legs entangled with his own.

It was different than waking up that way had been before, just like the night before, everything felt good, and even  _right_. Edward moved his arm that was laying alongside Al, he bent his arm up and touched his finger tips to Alphonse's naked back and trailed them over his skin, feeling goosebumps break out under his light touch.

"How long have you been up?" Ed asked as he used his other hand to push his bangs out of his face.

Alphonse shifted against him, pressing against his hip and Ed could feel every inch of his smooth skin, every muscle and bone and private sensitive area of flesh, like Al's semi-hard on which he was letting Ed know about,

"Which part of me?" Al asked in a low voice around a cheeky smile as he bobbed his eyebrows.

Edward opened his eyes wider at those words and raised his own eyebrows,

" _Alphonse_." He said in what was supposed to be a shocked voice, but the small breathy laugh he couldn't help ruined it and Al's lips split so he was grinning naughtily, his straight white teeth shining in the places the sunny morning light touched them,

"What? You asked." He said with another content sigh, still smiling and Edward felt his own happiness swell, because the smile on Al's face was genuine and it even made his eyes look alight with joy.

Edward knew he was grinning and he allowed himself to because it felt great to wake up smiling,

"I guess I did." He conceded lazily and firmed his touches on Al's back, pressing his hand flat so he could smooth his palm down along the younger blonde's spine, pushing the bed cover down as he did so.

Alphonse hummed softly, his smile slipping away when he shifted, moving up from where he was laying on Ed's chest so that he could kiss Ed's mouth. Edward watched Alphonse close his eyes before they kissed, close lipped and sweet, and Alphonse's hands found their way to Ed's face when the younger blonde sought a deeper kiss, moving his body to lay partially on top of Ed.

Edward raised his eyebrows and placed his hands on Alphonse's waist, fully aware of the bed cover slipping off his younger brother and in his mind's eye he could just see the smooth plane of naked skin he loved so much, especially as that same skin was pressing against his front, Al's thighs were soft against his own, stomach to stomach, chest to chest, Al's morning erection getting firmer.

But Ed held off the kisses before they turned opened mouth and he managed to drift from Al's lips to his cheek for two small kisses. It didn't go unnoticed by Al and he stopped his own kisses in order to frown down at Ed,

"You don't want to kiss me?" he sounded a bit worried, a bit annoyed.

Ed still had a lot of making up to do before every question stopped sounding like an accusation and a testament against his feelings. He was willing to work for it, so he smoothed his hands along Al's naked sides and smiled,

"I do, but I have morning breath and that's pretty gross." He said quietly, honestly, careful not to speak directly into Al's face. Alphonse's worry turned to a half eye roll,

"So do I, although…your breath actually smells like whiskey." Al informed with a small smile as he splayed his fingers over Ed's cheek, thumb brushing along the older blonde's cheek bone and under his eye.

"Still." Edward mumbled and quickly turned his head to kiss Al's palm.

Alphonse smiled and kissed his jaw once slowly and Edward felt a thrill at the sweetness of the gesture, thinking all over again that he really didn't deserve to have Alphonse , especially not so much of him, so much of his beauty and perfection,

"But I wanted to have morning sex." Al said quietly against his ear, his breath catching some of Ed's fine hairs and tickling him. Al was pressing his still present morning erection to Ed's hip and he couldn't help chuckling quietly,

 _'Beautiful, perfect and horny…'_  he thought, amused.

"What's funny?" Alphonse asked, still smiling as he rested his head on the pillow beside Ed's head.

"Nothing's funny, waking up like this is just…" Ed trailed off from his quiet words when a single finger of Al's traced his nose from bridge to tip and down to his lips, "…it's nice." He finished as he rolled his head to the side to look at his younger brother, "What are you doing?" he asked quietly, eyes looking over Al's face as he continued to trace his fingers down along Ed's jaw and over the side of his neck,

"I'm enjoying you, you look happy and it's been a while." Al said very quietly and sincerely.

Ed felt a lump form in his throat at the emotion behind those words, feeling the warm fuzzies by Alphonse enjoying his happiness as much as Ed was enjoying his, he managed a lopsided smile as he encircled his arms around Al's waist, holding the younger more properly against him,

"You're pretty good at this mushy shit." He informed quietly.

"Hm, I am." Alphonse agreed with a cute smile and then raised his head to initiate another kiss.

Edward obliged that time, not too much, but he indulged in the brushing of their tongues, only wetting their lips and doing an excellent job of getting Ed as hard as Alphonse was after a long minute. Alphonse inhaled deeply as they stopped kissing and he very lightly rubbed his body along Edward's, the feeling was incredible,

"I almost can't believe this is real, I wanted it for  **so**   **long**." Al had his eyes closed and he opened them slowly to look down at Edward closely, "Can't we stay here for today, or at least for a few lazy hours." He closed his eyes again and shifted to press his face into Ed's shoulder, exhaling softly.

Edward closed his eyes and brought his hands up, one resting between Al's shoulder blades and the other slipping into his hair to rake his fingernails through the short strands,  
"Depends on the time, I have to go to HQ to see Mustang." He said, not thinking, too caught up in enjoying Al's closeness. When Al tensed it occurred to him that bringing Roy up while they were in bed might be another negative trigger, but Alphonse surprised him with a totally different question,

"Again? Didn't you just see him yesterday?" he raised his head, frowning at Ed.

Edward blinked and made a face,

 _'Shit.'_  He watched as Alphonse quickly understood his guilty expression,

"You didn't go to HQ yesterday? Where were you  **all**  day?" Al shifted, not getting off of Ed, instead trapping him beneath the younger blonde with a hand either side of his head.

Ed blinked again and sighed before he just answered honestly,

"I told you I was dreading the conversation we had last night." He said quietly, hoping he looked as sorry as he felt.

Alphonse's eyebrow twitched, a truly 'annoyed' Elric trait, and then he shifted and pinched Ed's side, and despite there not been any soft skin, it still hurt.

"Ow, Al!" Ed yelped and wriggled when Al pinched him again, "I'm sorry, ow!" he squirmed upward until he was sitting up against the cool wall, feeling a bit self-conscious as both of their nudity was on full display, as silly as it was after how many times they'd been naked and intimate with one another.

Alphonse shifted to sit up as well and shook his head, smile gone and a frown in its place,

"You're so  **stupid**  sometimes." He said in an exasperated tone and Edward absently pouted and averted his guilty gaze to the side where more and more sunlight was streaming in through the openings in the curtain,

"I know." he admitted and then looked again at Al who seemed less happy than he had been a second ago and Edward wanted to see him smile again, "Sorry, okay, but I won't be there long. I don't have to stick around longer than necessary." He sat forward, flitting his gaze over Alphonse's body.

He gave into his weakness to touch his younger brother's thighs, placing his hand on one and caressing it firmly,

"Why don't you take a shower with me?" he suggested, smiling when he looked at Alphonse's face again.

Alphonse's eyelids had lowered and he looked affected by Ed's slight touch,

"Shower sex?" he asked with a small smile.

Edward laughed softly,

"It's gonna be hard to keep it in the bedroom with you isn't it?" he surprised himself with the flirtatious, lowly asked question,

"Is that a yes?" Al flirted right back, parting his legs a bit more and leaning forward for a slow, lip to lip kiss as Ed continued to caress his inner thigh.

It was  **bizarre,** but  _exciting_.

Edward could've mentioned that slippery surfaces, while standing up during sex was dangerous, but then, shower sex sounded like a great idea where it once would have been disturbing. He was still slightly caught up in the idea of preserving Al's sexual innocence as much as he could, he hated the idea of doing anything to take away Alphonse's dignity when he was at his most vulnerable and for some reason fucking him outside of a safe, warm, private bedroom didn't sit comfortably with Edward.

But he reminded himself that it was what Alphonse  _wanted_  and that he wasn't defiling the younger blonde, as long as he loved and respected and adored and  _worshipped_ Al in every aspect, especially during sex when all guards were down and so much of a person was exposed and laid bare, then Al's dignity would remain intact.

 _'After all, no one will ever love him as much as I do.'_  He smiled and nodded by way of answer.

Alphonse smiled, looking excited and turned on all at once and then he was getting off the bed, grabbing the lube off the bedside table and dragging Ed by his hand from the bedroom.

It was very, very bizarre.

* * *

Alphonse moaned quietly and Edward stopped his gentle suckling against the base of Al's neck.

"You ok?" Ed asked lowly, his body was hot from the water running down his back and the steam rising around their bodies was making the slowly prickling sweat on his skin seem hotter and damper.

Alphonse was standing in front of him in the bath tub, the younger blonde was facing the wall, back to Ed, one of his palms were pressed flat to the wall tile for balance while his other was between his legs, slowly stroking his erection.

Edward stood behind him, chest pressed to Al's back and his straining erection between him, he was lightly rubbing himself against Alphonse's backside, enjoying the light friction. Ed was more preoccupied by his hands right then, one was on Al's chest, rubbing his heat reddened damp skin and gently teasing his nipples while his other hand was between Al's legs, lower down, where Ed was fingering his asshole gently.

Alphonse was partially on his toes, trying to spread his legs as much as possible in the narrow space of the bath as Edward gently prepared his rectum. They were up to two fingers already, the lube worked well with water and it made the entrance slick and pleasant for Al, who Ed read to be enjoying it by every quiet moan and quick breath.

They'd taken a minute and some kissing to work out the logistics of shower sex before they'd actually gotten started but Ed had to admit, it was going really well and while he was aware of the potential slipperiness of the bath tub and water under their feet, he was also confident in their balance and strength to keep them up should they need it.

"Yeah…" Al breathed out and Ed slowly pulled his fingers out and took Al's scrotum into his palm to massage it as he started kissing his shoulder, making the younger blonde jerk back against him slightly, stifling a noise before he increased the pace of his stroking, "Ed, hm." Al said quietly, shakily, barely heard over the sound of the water.

Edward figured he was eager to get on with it, so he rolled Al's balls in his palm a few more times before he brought three of his fingers together and moved his hand back down, pressing his fingertips to Alphonse's tender anus and pushing until they slid in smoothly. The three finger stretch made Al moan and pause his stroking, but it didn't sound like discomfort and the younger blonde wasn't tense, so Ed assumed it was okay to proceed.

Especially since Al's rectum was still moist inside and pliant from being penetrated the night before.

Alphonse was trembling lightly, squeezing himself slowly and pressing back against Ed all at once and it was sexy as hell. Edward removed his fingers again and slid his hand to the outside and then underside of Al's right thigh, where he groped gently,

"Put your foot up on the bath." He said against Al's ear and waited as the younger blonde put his words together coherently and then lifted his leg, adjusting to stand leaning with his left hand on the wall and his right foot up on the bath rim, giving Ed easier access to his rear.

Edward licked his lips as he reached up and adjusted the showerhead so the water fell between them, the spray landed on Al's back and he sighed at the warmth on his clammy skin, he glanced back at Ed and turned his head, seeking a kiss. Edward obliged, getting his hair and face wet as he kissed Al over his shoulder, but he didn't care, kissing Alphonse for a long minute was important, closeness and intimacies were important.

He broke off from the kiss so he could pick the lube up off the bath rim and he squeezed a glob into his palm and then wasted no time in spreading it over his throbbing hard cock. His own touch was distracting, just like Al's smooth wet back and firm rear were, and he rubbed his free hand up along Al's spine, feeling the younger press back into the touch before he leaned back against Ed. Edward reached up absently and moved the shower head so the water spray landed behind him again, but his eyes were focused on Al's neck as the younger blonde laid his head back on Ed's shoulder. Ed kissed his neck as he stroked himself and then a particularly strong rush of pleasure made him eager to be inside of Al,

"Lean forward." He said quietly.

Alphonse complied and Ed took a moment to assess what he was doing, swallowing down persistent traces of guilt about his actions and desires and letting Al's quiet panting and words of wanting clear his head. Edward found it was getting easier to fight his self-guilt and he was glad, the sooner he stopped telling himself to hold back, the better it'd be for both of them.

Still, Al's comfort and feelings were first priority,

"Al, if you feel like you're gonna fall or need to stop, just say so, okay?" he asked quietly as he lined his erection up with Al's asshole and then rubbed wet fingers over the pucker to remoisten the lube.

Alphonse shivered at his touch and nodded,

"I'll be fine." He breathed out and brought his hand up and back to touch the side of Ed's face.

Ed pressed in and felt the head of his cock slip in slowly and Al's breath hitched. Edward couldn't help watching himself slowly disappear into Al's body, he brought his hands to the younger blonde's rear and placed them on Al's buttocks, parting his cheeks further so he could see better, he used to avoid the sight, but now it turned him on.

It made him throb and push in a little quicker, sheathing himself more than half way and stimulating Al's body, the younger blonde moaned and tensed around Ed's cock, pulling him in further and making Ed moan as well.

Faster than usual, at the different angle and with Al's pliant insides, Ed slipped all the way in and gripped Al's waist tightly as pleasure coursed through him, he was exhaling and inhaling loudly in the quiet bathroom,

"Ah, fuck…Al, you oka-…"

"Y-yes…I'm fine…ah…" Alphonse said quickly and he sounded like he was smiling.

Ed didn't like that he couldn't see the younger's face but this was how Al had decided they should do it and honestly, it was the most practical position for the shower. As Ed drew his hips back and then thrust back in quickly –it was moist and the friction was quick and easy-, Al moaned and shook from head to toe. For Ed it was so intensely beautiful how sensual and responsive Al was to sex, his reactions to touches did incredible things to Ed's need. He held Alphonse's hip firmly with one hand as he slid his other up to the younger's throat and then to his chin, pulling Al's head back and then to side so he could see him and kiss him as he fucked into him gently.

They didn't kiss for long, the angle was too awkward and Edward's thrusts were getting quicker and more forceful. He watched himself slip in and out of Al, his gaze trailing over the younger blonde's rear muscles, his back muscles, every drop of moisture on his visible skin and their breathing –and Al's moans- got louder over the sound of the water and the smacking of skin between them.

"Fuck…" Edward felt a tremor go through him and his legs started to feel like jelly as the friction and tightening got hotter, slicker and firmer, Alphonse's rectum was tensing to every just right thrust, the strokes he made to his straining flushed cock were long and consistent now, as were his moans.

Briefly Edward thought of being heard and he slowed his thrusts to a stop, Alphonse whined and he felt unsteady on his feet as he pressed both hands to the damp tiles and breathed heavily, humming softly,

"Keep your voice down, Al." Ed choked out softly as he leaned over –Al had bent over more and more as the minutes passed- and pressed a few kisses to Al's bony spine.

"Ah, shit…it's h-hard, it feels so fu-…hm..." He whined again as he moved his hips back against Ed.

"I know." Ed agreed even though he wasn't generally very verbal during sex so it wasn't difficult, "But we-…"  
"I know…Ed…" Alphonse breathed out and then moved his hips backward and forwards again. Ed made a soft half moan at the sight and feeling of Al's movement, pushing back onto his cock, "…I know, don't stop." Al did it again.

Edward felt a hot rush of pleasure to his sex and he pressed in deeply –making Al barely silence a loud moan- and throbbed, he had to force himself not to peak too soon. But he was close and Al's trembling and very tight insides told him the same of the younger blonde.

So Ed pulled out completely once and then pressed back in just to feel Alphonse spasm tightly around him and suck him back in –and hear a choked, needy moan- before he started to thrust fast and hard, filling the bathroom with slaps of skin and their erratic breathing.

Edward watched himself, from Al's bent over angle he could see his cock enter and pull out clearly and everything, from the sight of Al's body taking him in, to the arch of the younger blonde's back and the way his fingers tried to dig into the tiles, it spurred Ed on. He made sure he kept his thrusts pressed downwards so he grazed Al's prostate every time and soon both of them were lost to the pleasure, thrusting, moaning, keening and trembling.

Al breathed his name and Edward held his hips tightly, just aware enough of keeping Al from slipping in the bath as he tried his best to keep his own legs steady, his automail served as an unfeeling anchor. Ed heard himself moan a bit loudly a few times when Alphonse started jerking himself more reverently, making his ass tighten up and hold onto Ed's cock almost greedily. Edward leaned over Al as he felt his pleasure hone in and heat up his lower stomach. Ed wrapped one arm around Alphonse's chest and leaned forward, resting his head between Al's shoulders and breathing heavily against his damp skin as Ed's thrusts became uneven and erratic in pace and depth.

A few more sharp slaps and stifled groans and gasps between them…

And Alphonse peaked first, his body tensed, twitching and trembling harshly and he breathed out his moans as painfully quiet as could, fist pumping quickly and noisily along his erection as his ejaculate landed in the tub and water swirling at their feet. Edward listened to him and he tried to hold on, he kept fucking into the sweet, slick heat until he couldn't hold it and he came inside of Alphonse with several quick and hard thrusts which felt so good he wasn't able to hold back a deep groan and the clench of his teeth together against the skin of Al's back, biting the younger blonde and making him flinch slightly with a soft hiss.

Then there was just harsh breathing, trembling bodies and running water.

They stayed that way for a long minute, both keeping still for fear of falling on their weak legs and they waited out the numbing hot pleasure spent between them.

Edward's senses came back to him in the form of the shower water running lukewarm down his back, and then to the feeling and sound of Al's breaths, slow to steady and still audible, echoing off the tiles. He hadn't realised his eyes were closed until he had to open them, he shifted his hands from their clutching of Al's skin on his hip and chest and gently ran them both over Al's chest in a caress,

"Alphonse?" he asked quietly, slowly standing up straight and pulling out of the younger blonde.

Alphonse winced when he did and Edward felt worry quickly replace his euphoria,

"Alphonse, did I hurt you?" he panicked quietly as Al stood up slowly. Ed pulled his brother back to lean against him, trying to see his face. Al leaned against him and turned to look at Ed with a tired –satisfied- smile,

"No, not really, it felt…" he smiled sweetly and closed his eyes, "…so fucking good, Ed."

"You swear, you have to tell me if I hurt you…" he absently hugged Al close, arms around his abdomen, and he kissed his ear and cheek lovingly and in silent apology.

When Al shifted in his arms, lowering his leg slowly back into the tub, and then turned around to face him, Edward allowed him to, keeping him close, arms around his waist, kiss to his skin.

Intimacy was import.

"I will…" Alphonse said and kissed him unexpectedly and lazily, a mouthful of tongue and slow breath, then he paused to smile against Ed's lips, "…this is amazing," he laughed very quietly and wrapped his arms around Ed's neck, "thank you."

Edward felt the strangest blush creep up on him and he smiled slightly against Al's lips,

"Don't thank me, Al, it's weird." He muttered.

Alphonse just continued to smile –seemingly drunk and lazy with happiness,

"I love you  **so** much…" he whispered and then his smile faded and Ed frowned, "…is it really s-sick, to feel this way?" Al continued to whisper as he leaned his forehead against Ed's and closed his eyes, looking deeply upset.

It was such a sharp change in mood that Ed took a few seconds to catch up, he squeezed Al close to him and sighed,

"Hey, look at me…" he waited until Al opened his eyes, now damp with tears, "…listen, don't think about that. It doesn't matter-…"

"Promise me you're not gonna change your mind, Ed,  _please_." Alphonse breathed out and his hands gripped Ed's face as blinked tears out of his eyes.

"I promise." He answered instantly, meaning it and feeling the pain of Al's worry throughout his body, he just wanted to take away the insecurity, "I promise, I want to be with you, I love you Al." he kissed Alphonse's lips a few times until the younger blonde responded and nodded, sobbing softly.

Edward's heart felt sore as he embraced Alphonse in the cooling bathroom air, he hadn't realised there was so much concern and fear in his younger brother and he wanted to get rid of it, he didn't want to see Al cry anymore.

He pressed absent kisses to Al's neck as he thought about the fact that he had to go out, he didn't want to leave Alphonse after what had just happened right then,

"Why don't you come with me to HQ, we'll get lunch or something afterwards?" he asked quietly, stroking Al's damp back comfortingly. Alphonse sniffed and nodded,

"Okay." He mumbled.

They didn't wait much longer before Ed got a small smile out of Alphonse with a few kisses and a smile of his own and then they took a cold shower together and managed to laugh about the hot water running out.

It had once seemed like such a horrible thing, incest, but seeing Al look so happy made it seem trivial and made it feel right…at least for Ed it did.

No one else would ever see it that way.

* * *

_That's the gift and that's the trick in it._

* * *

They'd dressed and left the apartment shortly after showering and freshening up.

Presently they were in the elevator at HQ as it rose to the main office of General Mustang's administration. There were a few military personnel in the elevator with them but no one Ed recognised.

He wasn't really interested in familiar faces anyway, he kept thinking about Al's small emotional lapse in the shower, the concern and sadness in his eyes had been so deep…and his question...

 _'Is it really sick to feel this way…?'_  Ed repeated in his mind as he stared at the elevator doors beyond the few shoulders of other people, he was leaning against the back wall, Al standing close beside him, shoulder to shoulder, he was off in his own world of thoughts.

The question was a painful one, because the answer was  **yes**  and they both knew it. They'd go forward ignoring it, they'd continue on and find happiness in the sin they were committing, but just as Ed had known, nothing would change the fact that it was sick, it was wrong.

It was incest.

But they would get through it, they were now on the same page, sharing the same feelings, the same love and it made them both happy. It'd be a secret, but that was okay, because they only had each other left anyway and no one was getting hurt, not anymore. Not Winry, not Roy, not Elizabeth…and not Alphonse or him either, it was just the two of them, all the other needed. Everyone else could and would turn on them if they knew, no matter how long they'd known them, no matter how much they'd loved them, they'd never approve or even condone incest between them. Ed was certain of it and he wouldn't entertain any pathetic delusions about it, no one could  **ever** know.

Winry would be disgusted without a doubt, the look on her face from a night so long ago when she'd merely seen Alphonse appreciating Ed's half nudity made that much obvious. Pinako would be more subtle about her feelings but she'd be equally disgusted. Izumi would be furious, disgusted and probably pitying on some level and while Ed knew that those three people wouldn't necessarily report them to the authorities for their illicit affair, they  _would_ reject them from their lives and that would hurt just as much, if not more.

He didn't want to think of how being disowned by the scraps of family they'd managed to pull together over the years would affect Alphonse, it'd probably make him miserable all over again and bring about new life ruining guilt. Ed supposed he might eventually recover, but the emotional damage would be done.

Then there was Mustang, and the question of just what would he do if he found out.

Edward blinked slowly as the doors of the elevator opened on the floor they were waiting to reach and he pushed off the wall after Al and they walked out into the quiet halls of the top brass offices. They started walking down the hall in silence, both with their hands in their pockets and their minds on respective subjects.

Ed honestly didn't know what he'd have to expect from Mustang, the man had a strong sense of wrong and right for the most part but he'd always been willing to bend the rules and break the law when it came to people he cared about or personal agendas. So Ed didn't know if he'd arrest them, he didn't know if Roy would offer his help, insist on therapy, or if he'd also just be disgusted and insist that they stay away from him with their sick secret. Supportive or not, Mustang would never  _accept_ it.

Because no matter what, it was wrong.

"Ed, I'm gonna go to the bathroom, I'll wait in the outer office for you when I'm done." Alphonse said quietly as they reached the double doors to the outer office. Edward looked at him and nodded, feeling immediately better at seeing a healthy tint of colour in Al's face and a smile, personal and tender, and just for him.

Happiness. It was all worth it to see Alphonse happy and to be happy himself.

"Okay, Al, I don't think I'll be long, it's probably just about work or something." He said with slight annoyance, more out of habit where Mustang was concerned than actual irritation.

Alphonse nodded and absently reached out to touch Ed's hand briefly, their fingers fleetingly knotted together with a subtle squeeze before Al turned and carried on down the long hall toward the lavatories.

Ed watched him for a few seconds before he turned to the doors, knocked twice loudly and opened to go inside. He smiled at the office occupants, everyone was in and they all exchanged greetings with him,

"Hello Edward." Riza smiled warmly,

"Yo, boss." Havoc raised his hand with an unlit cigarette between his fingers and Breda gave him a lazy salute and smile from across the office while Feury smiled as well and said a cheery 'hi Ed'.

It was always pleasantly nostalgic to walk into the office and say hi to everyone, he'd been under a lot of stress lately and hadn't been able to appreciate everyone's kindness and smiles, but right then it felt good.

And it was because he was feeling good.

"The General stepped out for 5 minutes Ed, he'll be back shortly, you can go ahead." Riza said from behind her desk, tipping her head toward the internal office double doors.

"Thanks." He said with a genuine toothy smile and felt a bit thrown off when Riza's own smile broadened and she looked a bit surprised, her eyes fluttering as she watched him walk to Roy's doors.

Edward opened the door and stepped in, frowning awkwardly to himself once he was inside and he closed it behind him. He took a second to puzzle out her reaction and then shrugged, deciding he didn't really care as he walked over to the couches in the office. He sat down with a sigh and kicked his foot up, crossing one leg over the other and stretching his arms out along the back of the couch.

He looked around the office with a bored expression, bobbing his leg up and down and chewing his bottom lip and after a while the smile returned to his face just when Alphonse's smile from just minutes ago in the hall returned to his mind. It warmed his chest and made him feel so at peace to see his younger brother smile, no longer walking around like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

 _'He deserves happiness.'_  Ed nodded to himself, still smiling as he stared unseeingly at a spot on the large map of Amestris decorating the far office wall.

The door opened then and Ed's gaze quickly drifted to Mustang, who was looking as strikingly uptight as ever in his crisp blue uniform, the man spotted him immediately and smirked in his usual bastard-like way,

"You look like you're in a good mood, must be something in the air." He commented as he walked across the office to his desk and Ed followed his strides, smile still in place, until the older man was in his seat and relaxing back in his chair, turning it at an angle to face Ed across the distance.

Ed nodded,

"I am." He admitted and ran a hand over his ponytail absently, uncrossing his legs to put his ankle on his knee instead, "Not even  _you_  can ruin my mood today, Mustang." He said surely.

Mustang raised his eyebrows, never managing to look innocent even when he tried to,

"Why would I want to do that?" he said with a small smile as he pushed some of his black fringe aside and drummed his fingers on the armrest of his chair.

Ed raised an eyebrow,

"Why else would you ask me to come and see you? I assumed it was something to do with me having a job." He admitted, he'd been just about ready to look forward to lots of free time with Al at home after their most recent development, then he'd remembered he had a meeting with his on again off again boss.

Mustang shook his head,

"No, it's not about work. Admittedly I haven't even had time to look for anything, I've been swamped with my own work." He sighed and turned his chair into his desk before pulling a drawer open and taking out a stack of green and white envelopes, "Did you get your pay out yet?" he asked in an absent voice as he flipped through the envelopes.

Ed watching him, thinking of everything that had happened between them recently, especially that kiss, and finding that it did affect him just a bit on some level. He hated to admit it –and only ever would to himself- but he liked Mustang and had things been  _very_  different, he probably would have been interested in seeing the man.

But the only reason he was able to process such a thing was because for the first time in months his head was clear and his feelings were sure.

And as it always had been, it was all about and all for Alphonse and that was all he needed to be happy.

"Yeah, I was at the bank on Thursday." He answered, a smile tugging at his lips. It felt so strange to feel like smiling all the time. Mustang nodded as he held up two envelopes and when Ed saw him move to get up, he stood up first and held his hand up, having that weird sense of respect for the future leader of the country, he went to him instead. There was a real sense of power though, in knowing that Roy Mustang, soon to be Fuhrer, would always be a friend with mutual respect for him. An equal.

Edward approached the desk and he noted the look of appreciation and affection in Roy's gaze at his actions but he said nothing. He took the envelopes being held out to him and he looked at them, they were official pieces of military stationary, both sealed with the military's insignia and his and Al's names were machine printed in fine black inked cursive across the front of each one,

"What's this?" he asked and looked at Roy, wiggling the post card sized envelopes.

Mustang smiled at him, smug but genuine,

"Your invitations to my official inauguration to Fuhrer." He said simply.

Edward raised his eyebrows, pleasantly surprised and he smiled right back, the same way he had at Riza, real and toothy,

"That's fucking great Roy, congratulations!" he watched as Mustang's own smile broadened. He looked downright handsome, especially since he was seemingly glowing at Ed's reaction to his news and Ed averted his gaze back to the envelopes and tried to reel in his grin.

That smile on Roy's face had been a bit disarming and unexpected.

"Thank you, Ed." Roy nodded and then a small silence passed where they glanced at each other and the air seemed charged with a strange but not unpleasant tension.

Ed wondered if he should say something else, maybe offer Roy a hug since they were closer than they'd ever been before as friends. But he made no move to do anything and eventually Mustang did what he was good at and he smoothed out the silence effortlessly,

"It's an official military ceremony so it took pulling a few strings to get an invite for Alphonse, since he didn't actually ever serve with us, but as the Fullmetal Alchemist's brother the board of General's were willing to make the exception." He smirked and Ed smirked right back,

"Thanks, if he wasn't invited I wouldn't have come." He said plainly and Roy nodded,

"I knew that, and I'm pleased to hear it remains that way after recent melodramatic sibling rivalry problems." He said evenly, still smiling and Ed just glanced away, "You'll have to wear a tuxedo since you've never had a uniform, and the same goes for Alphonse." Roy changed the subject without missing a beat.

Edward gave him a weak glare when Mustang looked pleased at the idea of Ed having to play dress up when they both knew he loathed it. He sighed after a pause of pleased smiles and quiet,

"So…finally, huh." He looked at the older man and sighed softly.

Roy nodded slowly,

"Finally."

It was enough said, so Ed moved on,

"When is it?"

"At the end of June." Mustang leaned his elbows on the desk and leaned his chin on the back of his hands.

Edward was pleased with that news,

"That's more than a month away." He nodded and smiled.

"Is that good?" Mustang asked in a bored tone, looking relaxed and happy.

Everyone seemed happy, or maybe it was just that Ed was happy for once and seeing things differently.

He nodded,

"Yeah, I was hoping to put my free time off work to good use." He admitted. It'd been in the back of his mind on and off since the day before when he'd been walking around Central avoiding Alphonse.

He'd been thinking of Al's suggestion to get out of Central for a while, to get away from everyone and have a chance to just enjoy themselves, and visiting Ling in Xing had sounded pretty good at the time when Al brought it up, even if Ed had been thinking of other things more predominantly at the time.

"What do you have planned?" Roy asked conversationally.

Edward fiddled with the envelopes in his hands as he smiled again, unable to help it,

"Al mentioned that he wanted to go to Xing on vacation and I think it sounds like a great idea, so I think we'll do that. We could go away for a couple of weeks and then be back before the inauguration." He waved the envelopes once. Mustang smiled sincerely,

"That's sound's good, a vacation, I need one of those." He sighed wistfully, "Will Elizabeth be going with you too? I imagine Alphonse being gone for an entire month would probably bother her some." Roy raised an eyebrow.

Edward shrugged and shook his head as he patted the enveloped against an open palm,

"Nah, Al broke up with Elizabeth, so it'll just be him and me." He informed.

"They broke up?" Mustang's voice had dropped an octave and when Ed looked at him his smile had faded and he looked confused. Edward nodded,

"Yeah." He bobbed his eyebrows lazily.

"When?" Roy asked, blinking slowly.

Ed didn't know why it mattered but he scratched the side of his neck and answered,

"Uh, last week some time." He said shortly and sighed, "Why?" he asked with a small frown.

Mustang blinked at him, expression going from confused to contemplative,

"I'm just surprised," he mumbled, then cocked an eyebrow, "has he gone out with anyone lately?"

Edward frowned deeper,

"What? No, we've both been at home all week, sorting out our personal shit, why, Mustang?" he asked annoyed, but not seriously, half expecting Roy to drop it.

But Roy didn't even smile and Edward felt the atmosphere in the room shift quickly,

"The two of you, how've you been?" he asked carefully, voice smooth and almost business like.

Edward stared at him warily,

"We're fine." He said shortly, one eye narrowing.

"You're not fighting anymore?"

"No."

"What exactly was the problem between the two of you?"

Edward didn't answer that question, instead he took note that Mustang was wearing his calculating expression, calm on the exterior but his gaze was focussed, sharp and his questions while voiced apathetically were purposeful.

He narrowed his eyes,

"I told you before…"

"That it's none of my business." Roy said quietly, stiffly and dropped his gaze to the desk, "What will you two do in Xing?" he followed up, drumming his fingers together.

Ed glanced around the office, feeling uncomfortable and wary at Mustang's change in attitude and his line of questioning,

"I don't know, probably just travel around, sight see, I haven't been to Xing before." He looked at Roy again, searching for a hint to what had caused the change in the atmosphere.

"Just the two of you." Mustang said slowly and a single quiet alarm went off in Edward's mind instantly.

He had no idea why, but something about the way Roy said it and the way he was looking at Ed so intensely just put him on edge. It made no sense to think that Roy could just suddenly  _guess_  that anything was going on between him and Al, yet still, he felt like he had to be careful with what he said.

Very careful.

"We'll probably stay at the palace, Alphonse says Ling's extended an anytime invitation to us. That way Al can see Mei and I can catch up with Ling." He said calmly and he noticed –having known Mustang for a long time- the slight narrowing of one of his blue eyes. Ed supposed that if for some  _fucked up_  reason Roy did suspect something was going on between him and Al, then him including people so obviously into their trip to Xing would seem like at attempt at misdirection.

But Edward had to protect Al and no matter how much he wanted to keep a friend in Roy Mustang, even just suspecting the man was on to them got his guard up and right then Mustang was more of an enemy than anything else, especially as he sat there regarding Ed with quiet, questioning curiosity.

Mustang didn't say anything else for a minute and Ed decided to break the silence,

"So, I'll see you when we get back from Xing." He stated quietly, testing the waters to see if the small interrogation was over and if disaster was avoided.

Roy blinked slowly again and his gaze softened, but not pleasantly, he looked concerned now,

"Yes, of course." He said quietly, distractedly but still keeping his eyes on Ed.

Edward stared back at him and Roy blinked lazily, something didn't feel right and Ed wished he could ask exactly what Roy was thinking, what had he said that had sucked the comfortable warmth and breathing air out of the room and made Mustang asked such strange questions.

Edward wasn't paranoid by nature and he'd like to think he was just feeling so worried because he had a huge secret to keep, but Mustang wasn't stupid, he'd never been an idiot and it just seemed like valid cause for concern when he got that look in his eye and started asking questions.

But now all that was left to do was walk away because Roy wasn't saying anything, there weren't any more uncomfortable questions that Edward would have had to lie in answer to and there were no accusations that he would have had to defend against.

So he wondered,

 _'Do I need to worry, does he know anything?'_  he swallowed a bit thickly and nodded once at Mustang before he turned around and walked toward the door with heavy booted steps.

When he reached the door Mustang spoke up,

"Edward."

Ed paused, heart beat quickening and then turned around, staring straight at Roy from across the office and he noticed the older man was looking just a bit off kilter, a deep worry etched in to his previously glowing face,

"Yes?" Ed asked evenly.

Mustang stared at him, hands flat on his desk and mouth in a straight line,

"Are you still not seeing anyone?"

The question seemed so simple, but there was a lot resting on his answer when he thought about everything Mustang had asked and knew about the two of them fighting up until this point. If it wasn't out of suspicion, then why the hell would Roy be asking anyway?

Edward made an annoyed face, he knew he had to be believable, he had to act like he usually would,

"What's with all the personal fucking questions?" he grumbled.

"I'm just curious." He responded, predictably unperturbed.

"Yeah well, that's not any of your business either." Edward said stiffly and turned back to the door.

"Edward."

"What?" he snapped as he turned around again, tension running high, completely ruining his previous happiness but he deflated when he saw how Roy was looking at him, affection and confusion in his eyes.

Roy blinked a few times after a minute of staring and then he shook his head, as if trying to clear his head and he sighed, frowning slightly as he once again met Ed's eyes. He smiled, not nearly as genuine as it had been just minutes earlier, it seemed tight and stressed,

"Enjoy your trip and come and see me whenever you get back into Amestris, maybe we can go out for drinks." He said quietly, eyes distant and smile flat, uncomfortable.

Edward had the distinct feeling that Roy was bothered by  _something_  and it concerned him, knowing what it might be, but he had to act normal, he couldn't show his own discomfort under the wise scrutiny, Mustang was too smart and too experienced to be taken lightly.

So Ed cracked a grin and glanced at the door handle before taking it in hand firmly and casting a relaxed look back to Mustang,

"Yeah, sure, why not, as long as you're buying." He said casually and was glad to see some actual mirth slide into Roy's smile before he nodded once.

Ed nodded back and then pulled the door open, as he stepped out of the office and closed the door quietly behind him he felt relieved, it felt like he was leaving an unspoken and unasked accusation in that office and getting away from it was necessary.

He needed time to think about what had just happened.

Something told him so surely that Roy had been asking those specific questions for a dangerous reason, but then he'd seemingly doubted himself, which was rare. But it was enough to make Ed realise that he had to be more wary, both he and Al did, because suspicion was just the first step onto a slope, and if they weren't careful, it would get slippery and it was all downhill from there.

He glanced around the office, only Feury and Riza were present along with Alphonse, they were standing around Hawkeye's desk, talking about something or the other, smiling about it too.

 _'I could get used to him smiling like that all that time.'_  Edward smiled too as he looked over his grinning brother.

No one noticed him standing there until he walked over to the desk and his movement got their attention, Feury and Al turned to face him and Riza smiled,

"No yelling at all today, must be the strangely good mood you and him are both in." she teased in her professional but friendly voice as she fiddled with a pen absently.

Al raised his eyebrows at her words and Fuery nodded,

"I think we're all in a good mood over the General's news, it's a good time for everyone in the country, not just us." He said cheerily, all smiles, as he adjusted his square frames on his face, glancing between all three of them.

"What news?" Alphonse asked with a curious smile.

Edward noticed he was doing a decent job of acting normal, standing with his hands carefully in his pockets, glancing over at Ed but never letting his gaze linger. Although, Ed only noticed because he was doing that himself, except he only had one hand in his pocket and with the other he raised the envelopes to everyone's eye level,

"Invitations to Mustang's inauguration." He said with a small smile in answer to Al's question.

His younger brother beamed in genuine surprise,

"They've set a date, the General's going to be officially sworn in as Fuhrer?" he asked with raised eyebrows and Ed could have scoffed at how Al's respect in calling Mustang 'the General' and not 'Roy' –with an underlying sneer- was suddenly back to normal.

Hawkeye smiled, the sort that made her eyes close up because it was so happy,

"Yes, it was announced yesterday that Fuhrer Grumman has officially retired and that Roy Mustang is to be his successor." She explained as Al took the sealed envelope from Ed with his name on it and turned it over in his hands,

"That's wonderful," he said sincerely and glanced at Ed and then at the doors behind where they stood, "had I known I would have congratulated him when I saw him earlier." He sighed.

Edward blinked and the air felt like it was very still for him,

"You saw him? Before he came to the office?" he asked evenly.

Alphonse nodded and smiled,

"Yeah, when I went to the bathrooms we ran into each other, he didn't mention anything about this." Al tapped the envelope and turned to Riza, "I don't want to disturb him now, will you please tell him congratulations from me, Captain Hawkeye?" he asked in his trademark sweet way and she smiled and nodded,

"Of course I will, Alphonse."

Meanwhile, as he watched them, Ed was replaying his conversation he'd had with Mustang, trying to think of anything that seeing Al could have given away to the older man, but as he swept his gaze over his younger brother, he saw nothing amiss or suspicious.

Alphonse just looked handsome in his white button down shirt, a white vest underneath it, neatly pressed and worn over denim jeans, his hair combed but not too tidy, he was standing up straight and looking healthy for the first time in so long.

 _'That can't be anything to get suspicious about, what the fuck was Mustang's problem?'_  He shrugged it off and refocused on the two blondes, they were talking about what gifts would be best to buy Roy and Ed found he was itching to get out of the building and see the blue sky.

When you had something to hide, something illegal, being inside a military building with many people who knew you too well gave him a feeling of unease. He thought then that getting away and out of Central, the country in general, for a while was actually a really good idea for him as well as Alphonse.

 _'We could both use the break, there's a lot we still have to figure out, if we're gonna do this, we have to be_ _ **very**_ _careful.'_  He managed not to nod like an idiot to himself.

He scratched his neck and glanced around the office as he waited for a moment to interrupt the idle conversation and he found his opening when Riza wondered aloud about whether Roy had any interest in a self-portrait,

"Of course he would, bastard's as vain as a peacock, it'll probably get worse once he gets his four stars. I say we just buy him a really big mirror." He interjected and Alphonse chuckled quietly, as did Riza, "At least it'll humble him when he starts seeing grey hairs on that big head." Ed finished with a smirk, happy to be making fun of Roy despite the anxiety he felt over the older man.

"Brother." Alphonse said in his usual way of half-hearted reproach, smiling and shaking his head. Ed just shrugged and Hawkeye tapped her fingers on her cheek, still smiling and also shaking her head, clearly amused,

"Anyway, Al, we should go." He said quickly –but casually- before any more random conversation could start up.

Alphonse agreed with a nod,

"Alright," he looked from Ed to Riza, "It was great to see you again Captain Hawkeye, take care of yourself." He said with a sweet smile and a wave as he turned to walk with Edward.

The older blonde gave a lazy wave and a wink to Riza and she nodded her head and smiled and then he turned and started to walk toward the exit doors, Alphonse right beside him,

"Bye Warrant Officer Fuery." Al chirped as they passed by him where he sat at his desk.

"See ya, Kain." Ed said quickly after, nearly forgetting the man was even in the room.

"By Al, Ed, don't be strangers." He said with a smile.

Edward was actually glad everyone else had cleared out of the office or the goodbyes would have taken seconds longer than he preferred right then. Once they were out of the office and had walked the length of the hall to the elevators, passing a few officers on the way, Ed decided to ask as they waited,

"You ran into Roy, did he say anything weird?" he asked quietly, watching the dial arrow slowly move above the elevator doors. Alphonse looked at him and frowned slightly,

"Weird? No," he sighed shortly, looking thoughtful, "he just said it was good to see me smiling," he smiled stupidly, "He saw me when I was thinking about…uh, anyway," he blushed slightly and Ed's lip quirked up at the sweetness of Al's blush, "and he asked how we were doing since we last saw him." he informed.

"What did you say?" Ed asked, running a hand over his ponytail and then fiddling with the envelope he carried.

Al raised his eyebrows,

"I said we're doing much better and I thanked him for everything he'd done to help and…uh, told him we'd worked everything out." He nodded.

 _'Nothing suspicious about that.'_  Ed nodded back just as the elevator arrived.

The doors slid open,

"Why Ed, is everything okay?" Al asked, it was a reasonable question but Ed wasn't about to worry him over his own paranoia, so he smiled as they stepped inside and fit themselves among the other people, he grinned,

"Course' Al, I just wanted to know if he bothered you at all with his nosiness." He said with a believable roll of his eyes. Al shook his head,

"You really do need to give him more credit than you do Brother, he's a good person." Al said quietly where he stood just an inch in front of Ed, shoulder against shoulder. Ed nodded,

"I know." He sighed quietly,  _'I know he's a good person, I just wish he wasn't as observant and clever, it'd save me a lot of trouble.'_  He complained inwardly.

The rest of the ride in the elevator was quiet, as was the walk across , through and out of the massive grounds of HQ. It wasn't until they were at least three streets away from the overbearing white stone structure that Ed struck up conversation again. Al was walking right beside him, but not touching, careful to keep up appearances, despite the soft smile he wore and how often he glanced at Ed with a look that said he was really happy.

And Edward just knew that what he would say next would be the cherry on the cake for his younger brother, and that was what Ed looked forward to most,

"So Al, I was thinking about what you said that night at the Drachman Carnival." He started.

Al absently pulled his face in thoughtful confusion,  
"What did I say?"

Ed smirked, keeping a comfortable walking pace along the relatively busy sidewalk,

"You mentioned you wanted us to go to Xing together…" he trailed off purposely,

"Yes, I did." Al said slowly, his tone an octave higher and curious.

"So I was thinking that if we plan today and pack tomorrow, we could be on the first train out of Amestris on Tuesday morning." Ed said with a slowly growing smile as he stopped and looked at Alphonse, who stopped as well.

As expected and anticipated, Al's face lit up, his eyes widened, bright and gold in the late Sunday morning glow. He looked thrilled and Edward had to laugh happily when Alphonse pulled him into a tight hug and squeezed some of the life out of him,

"Are you serious, we're really going to go?!" he asked excitedly into Ed's shoulder before he pulled back and grinned brightly, Ed nodded, smiling so much himself that it actually felt strange.

Alphonse stared at him for a moment, apparently distracted by something before he blinked slowly and smiled far more tenderly, personally,

"Thank you, Ed." He said quietly.

Edward didn't think two brothers smiling at each other in the street was odd so he didn't let the fact that they were in public bother him as he smiled back, his own smile softening and sweetening,

"Thank you, Alphonse." He returned and then reached out and squeezed Al's upper arm once before he patted it and then gestured for them to start walking again.

They walked a few steps, Al looking hard pressed not to bounce on the spot and the sight set Ed's skin alight with pleasant tingles and butterflies in his stomach,

"So, how long can we be away for, we have to be back in time for the inauguration, but I hope it's not too soon." Al said with a small whine as he looked down at the envelope he was carrying and started to open it, no doubt to look for the date of the event.

Ed just watched him and smiled, not able to speak right then because all of the air had been forced out of his lungs and there was lump in his throat. His chest was filled with warmth and love, his stomach turning with excitement and his mind free and clear to think of nothing but the smile on his brother's beautiful face and the lightness in his gait. Edward swallowed hard and blinked as a breeze blew his bangs across his face, over his eyes, making him refocus his eyes on the long sidewalk ahead, a soft smile set on his face. People walked by and cars drove past, the sun was warm and the sky was cloudless and the day was as real as any other…

…and Edward didn't know and he couldn't guess if they were going to be okay, because secrets were hard to keep and lies had a way of coming undone.

But it didn't matter, not really, not when Al was happy, when they were both happy.

Yes, Edward raised a lazy eyebrow and smiled to himself as he listened to Alphonse talk about everything they had to plan for the month they'd be in Xing, he knew it was going to be a great trip. A trip where they'd have the time to talk and learn and figure out everything that was new to discover about each other.

With complete honesty and unconditional love, the closest two people could be, in blood and in love.

Everything was right in Edward Elric's world.

 **Because Alphonse Elric was his world**.

* * *

_You're the truth not I._


	17. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Framing Hanley
> 
> A/N: Thank you for reading.

**  
Epilogue**

* * *

_And all we are is a bitter sweet sundown.  
A little bit love and a little bit let down._

* * *

Alphonse pushed the door to the bathrooms open and walked inside, heading over to the urinals, he wasn't actually paying attention to his surroundings so much, too caught up in replaying the events of the morning and night before over in his head. It still felt surreal, despite the conversation he and Ed had had, despite hearing the older blonde say he was  _in love_  with him –a fact that still made gravity vacate his stomach altogether-, despite spending the night and the morning having sex that left him exhausted and sore in the best possible way…

He was still replaying it, reminding himself of the tangible moments, the sounds of breathing and scent of sweat between them, the taste of Edward, everything, just continually reminding himself that it was  **real**.

Finally real.

And also dealing with the fact that now that it was  _real_  it was  _fragile_.

Now more than ever before the things they said and did were important, Alphonse knew that as much as he needed reassurance that Edward meant his words of love and actions of lust and desire, Edward in turn would require an occasional reminder that Alphonse was happy and fulfilled by his love and intimacy.

Just that morning, after the –incredible- shower sex, after they'd dressed and were just about to leave the apartment, Edward had come to him, to hold him and quietly whisper in a voice choked with emotion, he'd asked whether Al was really okay, was he really happy, saying he needed to tell Ed if anything upset him…tell him anything, Ed said, don't shut me out, I love you, Edward had kissed his forehead.

And it hadn't been offensive to be kissed so innocently, so brotherly, because Edward just wanted to know that Al was happy.

And happy didn't even begin to describe the elation, the weightlessness inside his heart and mind, the tingling in his fingers and toes and the burn of need that seemed to be new and rich and all for Edward.

Happy was an understatement for having Edward love him back in  _that_  way.

Alphonse finished peeing and zipped up his fly, finally coming out of his distant thoughts enough to glance around the bathrooms as he walked over to the basins. He stopped at the nearest one and pushed his sleeves up, glancing at his reflection as he absently opened the tap and placed an upturned palm to the soap dispenser and used his other hand to depress a blob of the citrus scented liquid soap into his hand.

He was pleased to see he looked well, he was still a bit on the pale side and could use putting on a tad more weight, but his eyes didn't look hollow or darkened and he noticed that he seemed to have a smile stuck on his face, for that reason he smiled wider, pressing his lips together, he tried to keep his giddiness at bay.

Alphonse soaped his hands up and over a few times and then rinsed them off before reaching for a hand towel, it was as he was dabbing his wrists dry that he glanced at his reflection from the side and saw a dark reddish-purple spot marked conspicuously just in line with the collar of his button down shirt.

He blushed as he placed the towel on the side rail and stepped closer to his reflection, leaning against the basin in order to see better as he pulled his shirt collar and touched his index finger to the love bite on his neck. He knew he should have felt somewhat ashamed at having such a blatant passion made mark displayed on his neck, but he found it only brought a swell of glee and pride to him, and not without a hint of arousal.

Edward had made that mark in a moment of pure, raw passion, the sort of sexual abandon and pleasure Al had only dreamed and fantasised about having before their most recent sex. He pulled his shirt collar down a bit further so he could see above his collar bone,

 _'He made that one as well…'_  he grinned to himself as he touched the second hickey with a warm thrill in his stomach and heat in his face,  _'…he bit me too.'_  He thought with a subtle lick of his lips as he remembered Ed's teeth nipping at his skin in the shower that morning when the older blonde had come inside of him.

The memory and the feelings it provoked…of Edward throbbing and moving inside hi-…

"Those look  _very_  fresh." A smooth, deep –familiar-, voice said in an amused tone and Alphonse blinked rapidly as he focused on the person who'd just walked into the restrooms.

"General Mustang!" He said in a bit of a squeak and quickly righted his collar, not that it hid the large hickey on the side of his neck very well.

Mustang just smirked in his lopsided way as he stopped just beside Al and raised his eyebrows, gaze lazy,

"Hm…" he eyed Al's neck via the mirror, "…extremely fresh actually, I'm guessing you spent the night with young Elizabeth, did you?" he said in a friendly and teasing tone as he finally walked on toward the urinals.

Alphonse's face felt like it had been lit on fire and he turned his head to follow Mustang's slow stride after the older man disappeared from view of the mirror,

"Uh, yeah…" he said quickly in agreement, because it made sense that fresh hickeys on his neck had to have come from Elizabeth, since as far as Mustang knew, she was still his girlfriend, "…I did." He was unconsciously rubbing the mark as he watched Roy, feeling the belated burn of shock in his stomach.

He'd been silently stunned at the older man's appearance right when he'd been having unsavoury thoughts about his brother,

"I can't say I'm surprised, dark haired women are usually very ardent when it comes to sex," Roy was saying as he stood over a urinal and unzipped his pants, making Al blink his eyes shut and then turn away quickly, "she does good work, you'll have that hickey for at least a week, so you might want to wear a closed collar and ask her to keep it below the neck line next time." He chuckled.

Al made a soft snorting sound to humour the older man as he tried not to feel awkward about the sound of liquid hitting porcelain and a faucet dripping filling the silent in that moment. He swallowed and frowned, thinking he should say something in response, after all, he had to be normal,

"I'll take that advice on good authority, sir." He quipped and then wondered if what he'd said was appropriate to say to a man older than him, who he respected…mostly.

To his surprise Mustang laughed quietly and a zipper sounded before he was walking over to the basins again,

"That's fine, just don't tell your brother I'm giving you tips like that, I don't want to incur his loud mouthed wrath." He said with a smirk as he washed his hands.

Alphonse just nodded as he pulled his shirt sleeves down,

"Have you seen Ed yet, he went to your office to meet you." He changed the subject, keeping his tone light and his smile simple, even as his stomach turned with anxiousness.

Now that it was real between himself and Edward, he felt so much more paranoid about being discovered.

"Ah, is he?" Mustang raised his eyebrows and sighed softly, turning the tap off and letting silence fall again as he dried his hands off and then straightened his shirt cuffs. He then turned to face the blonde, "I haven't seen him, I'm heading there now…" he was closing up his jacket as he walked toward the door, "…coming?" he asked casually as he held the door open.

Alphonse started slightly on the spot and quickly got his legs moving, managing –as he had been the entire morning around Ed- not to grimace at the dull ache that travelled along his rectum and into his lower back with every step. He walked out of the bathrooms and subtly shook his head as Roy walked a pace ahead of him, he tried to clear the constant thoughts of sex from his mind.

Truth was, that being penetrated so many times in so few hours was something he wasn't used to and it'd actually hurt, but the pleasure had been far more at the time, so regret came later. He vaguely remembered Ed once telling him it'd be like that if they overdid it and yet he was fucking  **thrilled**  that Ed had for once treated him as an eager lover should and not a fragile little brother.

Was that a twisted thought? Alphonse pushed it aside.

He didn't care if it hurt, it'd felt so great he wanted to do it again as soon as they got home again. And as long as he didn't let Ed know he was sore, he could get away it,

 _'Hopefully he won't notice or think about that…'_  but he was doubtful, Ed was hyper aware of his state of being and usually was very careful to make sure it was well.

He smiled to himself again and then looked at Mustang when he spoke up, voice quiet and friendly,

"You're smiling a lot, you had that same look on your face when I walked into the bathroom, it's good to see. Are things going well?" he asked casually as they turned into the main hall, Mustang's office doors were several meters ahead.

Alphonse's smile twitched awkwardly then and he nodded,

"Yeah."

"You and Elizabeth or you and Ed, or both?" his tone was a bit more concerned now and Alphonse slipped his hands into his pockets so he didn't start fidgeting out of nervousness. He didn't want to be having this conversation,

"Uh, both…we're fine…we're all fine, Elizabeth, Ed…and me." He smiled when Mustang glanced at him.

The older man nodded and Al watched him habitually neaten his jacket collar and lapel as they walked,

"I'm glad to hear it." He said with a genuine small smile.

Alphonse thought of it then, all that he and Ed owed to the older man for his help when they'd both been in such low and dark places, Roy hadn't even realise he'd been helping as much as he truly had. They reached the door and Al spoke up before Mustang went inside,

"Um, General, sir…" he started and Roy turned to face him,

"Alphonse you don't have to call me that." He smiled and shook his head as Al shrugged and quirked his mouth,

"Sorry, it's a habit…" he paused, breathed and then met Roy's gaze head on, "…I just wanted to thank you, for everything you've done for me and Brother. You've helped us more than you know." He said quietly and sincerely, apologising in the back of his mind for wishing Mustang's penis could have fallen off when he'd been in his quiet jealous rages.

Roy smiled at him in a way Alphonse was both familiar and unfamiliar with, it wasn't affectionate and personal in the way he looked at Ed but it was not just a normal smile, it was an expression of the way he felt toward Al and the only way the blonde could describe it was  _fond_ ,

"Don't mention it Alphonse, you and Edward are important to me as I'm sure you know, I was happy to help." He said quietly and then raised a hand and patted Al's shoulder once firmly before opening the door and walking in.

Alphonse smiled and then followed him inside, once again he was filled the thrill of happiness since everything seemed to be going so well, the only thing that would have made that moment better was to get a kiss from Ed right afterward.

But he knew without a doubt that later when they returned home, he'd get so much more than a kiss.

And that Edward would be as happy as he was about it.

* * *

_We're a bitter sweet memory now._


End file.
